WS#9 Mistings Archive - Sailor Who? Mistings Archive Sailor Who? By Craig Whyte Original Work by Catherine Pontoriero Date Completed: Jul 1999 Data Added/Modified: Jul 17, 1999 Rating: 8.33 (with 3 entries) Rating Number 1 (0) 2 (0) 3 (0) 4 (0) 5 (0) 6 (0) 7 (1) 8 (1) 9 (0) 10 (1) Rate this Misting - Send Comments Well, here's my first riffing in almost 2 years. It's a Sailor Moon/self-insertion fic written by a very good friend of mine from college. There are a few inside jokes in here, but it shouldn't distract from the overall riffing. For you continuity buffs, this misting can take place anytime after episode 1001 (Soultaker) but before episode 1009 (Hamlet). Any comments or critiques can be sent to cwhyte@monmouth.com. Enjoy! Craig (season 10 theme and intro) [SOL Bridge. The bots are on either side of the screen, using computers. Crow (on left) is wearing a New York Yankees home jersey while Tom has a #1 foam hand on his dome. Mike walks in from the right and notices that Cambot is on.] Mike: (to camera) Oh, hi everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson and these are my robot pals Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo. Tom: Pipe down, will ya? I need a 2nd catcher. Mike: Well, it looks like you guys have finally taken an interest in the national pastime. Crow: Sort of, but we've gone modern. Tom: Yup, we've signed up for fantasy baseball leagues. Crow and I got put into the same division, so we're drafting against each other. Mike: Sounds neat. You guys almost done? Crow: Just about. Care to look at my team? Mike: Sure. (looks at Crow's monitor) Lessee... Hitters have good average and decent power numbers. Starting rotation looks a bit shaky, but the relievers make up for it. Looks good Crow. Crow: Thanks. Tom: (excited) Look at mine! It's the '98 Yankees, but even better! Mike: (reading Tom's monitor) Alou, Galarraga, Edmonds, DiSarcina, Wood, Morris and Lightenberg? Tom: Only the best money can buy. Mike: Uh, I'd hate to tell you this, but... (whispers something into Tom's ear) Tom: Disabled List? OUT FOR THE YEAR?!?!? NO!!!!!!! (smoke forms in Tom's dome, which explodes soon after. He falls behind the counter with a loud 'thunk'.) (commercial light flashes) Mike: We'll be right back. Crow: (typing) "BiteMe1" will not longer be participating in this league. Do we have anyone on standby? (planet logo) (SOL Bridge. Tom's computer is gone and Tom, still unconscious, lies prone on the counter. Mike is pouring YooHoo into an IV Drip.) Crow: That's for the league winner! It's gotta ferment in the back of the fridge until October! Mike: Ok, ok. I'll get a quart of Quaker State. (Mads light flashes) Mike: But first, Marge Schott wants something. (Taps light) Hello? (Castle Forrester. After panning away from the laboratory setup, we see Pearl and company. They are dressed pretty nice, sort of like professors at an Ivy League school. Pearl has on a dress, Observer a tweed coat, and Bobo a cardigan. Everything is in earth tones. Bobo has a pipe in his mouth.) Pearl: Morning Miguel. You seem to have caught us at a bad time. (SOL Bridge) Mike: Huh? You called us. What's the deal? (Castle) Pearl: I know, but we're late for our class. (SOL Bridge. Tom is awake now.) Tom: (still slightly woozy) Class? What'cha talkin' about, Pearl? (Castle) Pearl: Oh yes, I've haven't told you yet. The locals have started their own community college, and they hired me to teach English classes. This semester, I'm teaching creative writing to freshmen. (Bobo blows on his pipe. Bubbles come out. He giggles.) (SOL Bridge) All: WHY? (Castle) Pearl: Why? Simple... to give you guys more literary pain. In fact, your story today comes from one of my students. Bobo, go get the box. Bobo: Yes, Lawgiver. (He runs offscreen. A couple seconds later he returns with a large cardboard box with "HOMEWORK" written on the side in black magic marker.) Pearl: (rummaging through box) Let's see... ah! here's a good one! (pulls out sheaf of papers) Sailor Who? A Sailor Moon/self insertion piece of dreck written by a Catherine Pontoriero. I should be grading them, but you tackle this one. We'll be back in a few hours. (Crowd noises can be heard outside the castle door... again) Pearl: *sigh* What do the villagers want now? Observer: (looking out window) It's not the villagers, it's the students from your class. Student: (offstage) Where's the grades on our first story? We turned it in 2 months ago! Pearl: Such impatient people. You know what to do Observer. Observer: Sure do. (He picks up the box and does his "brain noise" thing. The box is now on fire. He walks over to the window.) YOU ALL FAILED! (tosses box out window) (Crowd noises become shrieks and screams) Pearl: Well, looks like class is canceled... except for you 3. Enjoy! (SOL Bridge. The usual light and sound mayhem has started.) Mike: WE'VE GOT SAILOR MOON SIGN!!!! (Runs off) (6...5...4...3...2...1... theater) >Disclaimer: Yo, Sailor Moon and Green Lantern are owned by other people, this is >not for profit, so don't sue me. >Sailor Who? >By Catherine Pontoriero Mike: Narrated by Pete Townsend. >Chapter 1 > So I stowed away on the plane, okay not exactly stowed, I'd be lying if I said I >did. Tom: So... what *did* she do? Crow: Sounds like she super-glued herself to a wing. >But, see, Jordan and George were going to Japan. How could I resist? All sorts of >Anime up for grabs...cute Japanese guys. Tom: I never thought of Japanese men as "cute". Mike: She might have a thing for sumo wrestlers. How would I know? >I salivated at the thought of it. So I surreptitiously got myself a ticket and a seat >right next to them. > 'What the hell are you doing here?" Jordan exclaimed in surprise. Crow: (as Jordan) Get off my lap! > "Oh, hey Cathy, how are you?" George said nonchalantly, flipping through a >gaming magazine. > Jordan continued to glare at me, his eyes pierced together behind his glasses. I >grinned cheerfully, "Well, what an amazing coincidence. Who'd have thought we >could book the same flight to Japan?" > "And even more amazing how you could be sitting right next to us too," George >added, equally cheerfully. Mike: New on all Japan Air flights: free Prozac! > "Oh, and just where are you staying?" Jordan accused with a wide sweeping >gesture. Tom: Knocking down the flight attendant that passed them just a second before. > "At the Holiday Inn, isn't everyone?" I continued grinning. > "You know, isn't it weird how there's a Holiday Inn in like every country, no >matter where you go. It's like the same Holiday Inn too. Same green sign, same >carpet and interior, And it seems to have all the same people working there too. Mike: Same continental breakfast since 1991... > Did you ever think that maybe there's probably only one in existence in some >dimensional pocket that are accessible from certain locations in cities..." George >looked up as he realized both Jordan and I were staring at him. "What?" Tom: (as George) Has the zit on my chin gotten that big? * > "You're even in the room next to us! What's your problem?" Jordan >complained irritably. > "What's your problem," I mimicked, "You don't believe in the power of >coincidence?" > "Hey, let's go to the tower!" George ignored our arguments and pointed out >the window of Jordan's hotel room. Crow: George: human bloodhound. > "Hey, we said we weren't going to do any of those typical touristy things!" >Jordan protested, extending his hand in another gesture. Tom: (as Jordan) I want to go see 'South of the Border!' > I turned to George, ignoring him, "Let's go!" >As we left the hotel room, Jordan sighed, "Oh, why not!" and followed us out of the >uilding. Mike: It is me, or are we reading a script for Road Rules? Crow: MTV wouldn't be stupid enough to script something that raw and emotional. (Tom stifles a laugh) Crow: What?!? Tom: (still stifling a laugh) Believe what you want beakboy. * >We walked down the streets of Tokyo, probably looking pretty strange and out of >some anime somewhere. George was the tall blond stranger in a long black trench >coat. Tom: Satan from "Soultaker" in a encore performance. > I would be the tiny annoying girl, All: Kerri Strug?!? >and Jordan, well, Jordan was an anime of himself, with his knee length hair and >shorts and sandals. Crow: So Jordan is a transvestite bennie? > The streets were strangely not crowded, which went completely against >everything I had heard about the place. Streets signs mingled Japanese symbols with >a strange form of English. I was reminded of the time I has accidentally driven into >"little Vietnam" in Philadelphia with Chris, Craig and Troy. Tom: Unfortunately, the residents were reenacting the Tet Offensive at the time, and they all died. The end. >My thoughts thus occupied, I barely noticed the girl who ran smack into Jordan. > They both fell to the ground, arms, legs and hair entangled. Yes, hair, her two >long blonde pigtails had wrapped around Jordan's locks of doom. Mike: Somewhere, Vidal Sassoon is crying. >"Oomph!" they both cried. > "I'm stuck!" Jordan exclaimed with surprise. > "Hold on," I started combing my fingers through their hair, trying to untangle >the knots. George grabbed Jordan and started to pull backward, as if that would help >any. > "Ouch!" the girl screamed and started to wail loudly. > "Ack, that horrible sound!" I mock yelled. Tom: (as Cathy) Car alarms going off everywhere! > 'Hey, leave her alone!" Somebody shouted from down the street. Two girls >came running at us. One drop kicked George, (Mike holds up his hands and imitates the signal for a field goal) >who lost his hold on Jordan and fell backwards. The other grabbed the girl's pigtails >and tugged her to safety, pushing Jordan back on the ground. > "Hey, watch it, your friend's the one who barreled into us!" I cried, pushing >back the long-haired girl from Jordan. I looked down to see if he was okay. He was >looking up at the girl with what seemed like hearts in his eyes, I blinked -- they were >gone. Crow: Even better than love at first sight, eloping at first sight. > "Easy, guys," a new girl entered the scene, this one was shorter, with short >blue hair, "Knowing Usagi, she probably did just barrel into this poor guy." > I laughed, "Yeah and then their hair got wrapped together!" > The girls giggled in a shrill silly manner, joining in my amusement. I spared a >glance for Jordan, was he blushing? Mike: Looks more like the mumps to me. Bots: (singing) He's hot blooded, check it and see. He's got a fever of a hundred and three... > "Sorry I knocked you down, the girl who had kicked George apologized. > "S'okay," he shrugged his shoulders. "Hi, I'm George." he said as she helped >him up. > "Oh, I'm Lita," she answered, "And these are my friend: Usagi, Ami and Rei," >she pointed to the pigtailed girl, the blue haired girl and the girl who had pushed >Jordan. Tom: (as Usagi) And we're the Powerpuff Girls! Mike: (as Ami) Wrong series, you twerp. > "Nice to meet you, I'm Cathy, and this is Jordan. We're visiting from >America." > "Oh migosh!" said the pigtailed girl, er, Usagi, "That is so cool! Have you >been to New York City?" > "Actually, I live 15 minutes from New York City..." Tom: (as Cathy) In beautiful Fishkill, New York. Crow: (as Cathy) The bottom of the East River. These shoes the strange men in black gave me are beautiful but are too damn heavy. Mike: (as Cathy) Newark. Crow: Who wants to live there? Mike: True, silly me. > "Wow, you have to tell us all about it. Especially the food, and the shopping!" >she pulled my arm and tugged me down the street. Mike: All the way to Osaka. They were never seen again. > Ami laughed, "There goes Usagi, making another friend." > "You know," Jordan began, running to catch up with Usagi and me, "Why don't >you show us around Tokyo?" > "This from the guy who just wanted to find the anime," I murmured. George >and the rest of the girls finally caught up with us, and I managed to stop myself from >being dragged along. > Jordan glared at me as Usagi paused to think. It was a rather long pause. Tom: The steam coming out of her ears must've given everyone a great facial. > "Yeah," George seconded, "it would be really cool if you could show us around. >So we don't get lost or anything. Do you guys play video games?" Bots: (as the girls) Is the Pope catholic? Mike: (as Cathy) *groans loudly* > Lita stepped up to the challenge, "Yeah, we sure do, there's an Arcade we go to >after school." > "Oh guys, you spend so much time there when we should be studying," Ami >rolled her eyes, "Really, I can't see the appeal of Virtua On 2...." > I never saw Jordan move so fast. > "Really? That game is out here?" he exclaimed. > "Yes, it's my favorite game, after the Sailor V game of course," Usagi >answered. > "Let's check it out," he grabbed her arm and began dragging her down the >street. Crow: Hmmm... Lots of dragging so far. I sense a scene in a hospital very soon where everyone will get treated for concrete burns. > I rolled my eyes as George and Lita followed them. Ami said something about >studying and left. I realized I would be shortly left alone if I didn't follow. Turning to >Rei, I asked "Would we follow?" > She laughed, "Only if you want to watch them playing video games for the next >couple of hours." Crow: (as Rei) It gets real fun if one of them is prone to epileptic seizures. > Not exactly my idea of a good time, unless Chris was playing Riven or >something, but I couldn't let Jordan and George out of my sight. They'd never >willingly hang with me unless under some kind of duress. As I pondered Rei >continued speaking, "Sorry I pushed your friend, I just forgot how clutzy Usagi could >be," she laughed to herself, "Though I don't know how I managed that!" > I smiled, not quite getting the joke, "So, Rei," I began, "What else can you tell >me about this 1 horse town?" Mike: There's only 1 horse left because Godzilla loved them so much years ago. >Chapter Two > Evil exists not only in the darkest minds and hearts of our civilization, but in the >very core of the universe. Yes Virginia, there is a Satan, and his rotten soul is set >upon devouring our world. But our tale is not exactly about him. Tom: Whoa! Cathy got dark all of a sudden. Mike: She must've sub-contracted this chapter out. Tom: To who? Brother Boyd? > It's about someone whose soul Satan touched, and not in a good way. But you >knew that. > He has slept, dormant for hundreds of years, enveloped in the embrace of >Helen of Troy. Crow: And we have a lemon! Mike: (sternly) No we don't. > He has sold his soul, for power immeasurable, forsaken God and goodness for >eternity. > What raises him now, from his dark nightmares? Mike: He was craving the leftover pepperoni and pineapple pizza in the fridge. > "Power," whispers a figure in black robes, the robes of a monk, if not the garb >of faith. > "So you say," our villain intones, in a voice that cracks like shoe leather on a >cold day. "But what if you are wrong? I know you Rasputin, you play power against >power, till all crumbles and only you are left standing." > The mad monk tipped his head slightly, "You are the one obsessed with power, >oh salient one. Crow: (as the mad monk) We just got the electric bill for this month. It's a doozy. > Heed me or not, as you will. Tis of no consequence to me." he faded away, >teleporting back to the darkness. > Our villain turns to large mirror, clamped to the wall of his cavern. Its silver >and gilt has long been tarnished and the glass is black with soot. Tom: So he stole it from a gas station bathroom that was last cleaned in 1985. Big deal. >He waves a hand and an image appears therein -- one of a blond haired girl, holding >a crystal, glimmering in the moonlight. Bots: (singing) And we were dancing in the moonlight... * > "Wow, I've never seen a girl that good at video games." > "Usagi gets a lot of practice," Rei rolled her eyes. We had finally made it to >the Arcade, after Rei had given me a brief tour of the city. I liked her, she reminded >me a bit of my friend Annie, tough, but cool. Mike: Like a 5 year old piece of freezerburnt meat. > Usagi eagerly pushed buttons, as the others cluttered around to watch. >Apparently she was doing very well. If I could only get my hands on a game of Puzzle >Fighter, I'd show them! I thought. Then I remembered that George had actually >beaten me in that game, hmm, well maybe not. > "Look out!" Rei cried as she pushed me harshly. Tom: Moshing at an arcade doesn't go over too well. > "What the. . . ?" I turned, completely surprised as two guys came crashing >through the window. Splintered glass flew everywhere and I raised my hands to >protect my eyes. Consequently, I couldn't exactly see the two men who entered and >attacked Usagi. > "Grab the crystal!" one of them shouted, reaching for her chest where a large >pendant was clasped to her red bow. > "Leave her alone!" Jordan said, pushing the individual away. > I blinked, I must have glass in my eyes. Did Jordan just do that?! > The man turned to him, "Don't f**k with us kid. . ." Tom: Fork? Mike: Funk? Crow: Flak? > ". . . or you'll find yourself on the wrong side of the this," The second individual >said, extending his hand, where a sword materialized out of nowhere. > "Now, let's get what we came for," the first one reached for the pendant once >again. > Out of nowhere, a rose (a rose!?) Mike: My kingdom for a rose! > flew across the room and nicked the guy's hand. "What the? " he turned to face a >man garbed in a Tuxedo, his face half hidden in a Mask. > "Tuxedo Mask!" Usagi squealed. > My heart thumped loudly. Crow: (as Cathy) I *thought* it was love. But then I realized it was the airplane food making its way through my circulatory system. > "I will not let you take what is dear to a young girl's heart. There is but one... >Ugh," he had gotten beamed with a laser blast from the guy's sword in mid sentence. > "Tuxedo Mask!" Usagi exclaimed in horror. > "Tis but a flesh wound. . . " he choked out. > Out of nowhere, I heard someone shout: Mike: (as random Sailor Scout) Ow! A paper cut!! > "Mercury bubbles BLAST!" The room was filled with a dense fog, so I could >barely see my own hand. I had to trust to my hearing to find out what was going on. > "Venus crescent beam SMASH!" someone else shouted and I heard one of the >bad guys cry out in pain. > "We'd best retreat brother. . . " > "Aye, but know this Sailor Scouts. . . " > ". . . You'll encounter Rosencratz and Guildenstern again!" > Rosencratz and Guildenstern? I mouthed, aren't they dead? The fog was >beginning to clear and I could see two girls surrounding Tuxedo Mask. They were >dressed in short pleated skirts, cool boots/shoes and elbow length gloves. Did I >mention the tiaras? Tom: (as snobbish fashion expert) The style this year is elegant and frilly! > "Thank you Sailor Venus, Sailor Mercury," Tuxedo Mask intoned, "With you >help, we have won the day! My injuries will heal in time." Crow: (as Tuxedo Mask) My HMO refuses to cover this, so I guess it's bedrest and leeches for me. > I stood and walked over to the girls, "Are you some kind of superheroes or >something?" > "Something like that," Sailor Mercury, who was dressed in blue, said. Mike: (as Sailor Mercury) I can screw around with gender roles! > "Hey," I declared, "haven't I seen you somewhere before?" > "Um, no, why do you say that?" she giggled nervously. > "We must be off," Sailor Venus interrupted, "But know that where ever Love >and Justice are threatened, the Sailor Scouts will be there!" With that they took off. >Left the place a mess and everything. I turned to Jordan and George, who were just >standing from the cover they had taken during the fight, "Boy, that sure was weird. >Who was that masked man?" * > It was after that when I learned exactly who Tuxedo Mask and the Sailor >Scouts were. Rei invited us all to her temple for snacks, where she showed me her >collection of newspaper clippings about the Sailor Scouts and strange energy stealing >aliens. Crow: They were from the National Enquirer, Weekly World News and the Trentonian so no one believed them. > "Weird, how come I've never heard of this before?" I mused aloud. I didn't get >an answer, since Jordan and Usagi were matching each other in how many cupcakes >they could shove into their mouths. George was perusing the collection of Japanese >swords hung along the wall. Tom: (as George) Must... commit... seppuku... > Rei's grandpa had wanted to know if we wanted to join the temple, but we >declined, especially since we would only be there a week. Rei got a strange look on >her face and asked him to leave. > The door opened now and Rei was just about the shout when a tall girl with long >blond hair walked in. Crow: Lindsay Davenport? > "Oh, hey Mina," she said instead. > Behind Mina walked in a tall, gorgeous guy with the most beautiful blue eyes I >had ever seen. "Hey, I just came to see how you guys were doing after that attack >on the arcade." his voice sounded so familiar. Where could I have seen such a hunk >like that before? > "Muffin!" Usagi declared, passing up a donut to hug the stranger, nearly >knocking him down. He gasped and gripped his side. Tom: Muffin? Donut? Is this scene taking place in a Dunkin Donuts store? Crow: (as Darien) I will always fight evil, but first... Time to make the donuts! > Jordan paused in mid bite, frowned, then continued eating. Mike: (as Jordan) Crap. Blowfish poisoning. > "Uh, Rei, who're your friends?" I asked, heart thumping wildly in my throat. > "Mina, Darien, you have to meet our new friends!" Usagi jumped up and down >enthusiastically. "They're from America! Isn't that cool?!" > Something had been gnawing at me, yet I couldn't exactly put my finger on it. I >turned to Rei, who was rolling her eyes, I grinned, "I take it she's like that all the >time?" Crow: (as Rei) Only when she's missed a dose of Ritalin. > "Uh huh," she smiled faintly. > "We should be getting back," George turned from the swords he had been >examining, "I'm feeling a bit of that jet lag." > "But you just got here," Mina smiled, tossing her long blonde hair. > "Um well." > "Why don't you guys hang out with us after school tomorrow?" Usagi >suggested with excitement. > "Yeah, we can play more Virtual On," Jordan and George high fived each other >and said, "Awesome!" Tom: Those two must have *no* life whatsoever. > We made plans to meet them at the arcade and left the temple. * > "I suppose you have a reason for your complete incompetence?" our villain >asked shrewdly. > Rosencratz coughed nervously as Guildenstern shuffled and fidgeted, "Well, >um, we're idiots?" > He rolled his eyes, sighing under his breath. "Why do I bother? You have one >last chance to gain the crystal. Look here," he pointed to his mirror, which showed a >house in a sleepy suburb. Tom: Beautiful Ewing, New Jersey during the summer. Any other time of the year forget it. > "you will go there at around 1 a.m. while everyone is sleeping and take the crystal >from her. That way there will be no interference from the other Sailor Scouts." > "Wow, that's a great idea," a light seemed to go off in the heads of Rosencratz >and Guildenstern. Mike: And promptly burned whatever brains they had to a crisp. > Our villain sighed again, "Now go before I regret it!" > "Aye sir!" They saluted in unison, turned swiftly and nearly tripped over each >other before exiting the chamber. >Chapter 3: Night into Day > I couldn't sleep. It must have been the jet lag, but I was wide awake. I snuck a >glance at the clock. 12 a.m.. Well, so much for getting up early and seeing some >sights before the boys woke up. I was edgy, a chill crawled up and down my spine. Crow: Next time, don't take the bed next to the refrigerator and minibar. > "I'm never gonna get to sleep," I muttered, getting out of bed. I went to the window >where a bright green light attracted my eye. "A UFO!" I thought. > I don't know what exactly made me leave the hotel, struggling to follow the >light. I found myself in the park, the light bursting from behind some trees. Forward >I went, too curious by this point to leave. > In the clearing stood a small blue-skinned man, dressed in red with a strange >symbol, almost like the Greek letter phi across his chest. The green light was >emanating from him. "What are you?" I gasped. Tom: It's Mr. Burns after his weekly drug treatment to keep him alive for another week. > "I am a guardian," he said simply. "I see you are the one who has answered >my summons. You must be the one who has been reborn from our past." > "Yo, hold on a sec there, what the heck are you talking about?" Crow: (as Cathy) What are you smoking and where's the rest of the crop so I can burn it? > "The Silver Millennium," he replied, "And how the Queen of the Dark Side of >the Moon threatened the planet of the Guardians -- OA." Mike: A planet where Office Assistants evolved from man?!? > "Oh, uh, what?" I asked. > "No, OA, the name of our planet. Spelled O - A." > "Then why don't you pronounce it Oh - eh?" > "Because!" he shouted angrily, "You making me lose my concentration." > "Sorry!" I protested. Tom: (as Cathy) Want some Ginseng? > He cleared his throat, "Now where was I? Oh yes, you had been chosen to >represent our planet. Now, the Galaxy needs you again. Crow: (as Guardian) Can you sort mail? > Here." he held out his tiny blue hand and a bright green object glittered brightly. It >as a ring, emblazoned with the same symbol that was on his chest. > Somehow, I instinctively knew what to do with it. Crow: (as Cathy) I took off my shirt and bra and... Mike: Crow, this is not a lemon. Crow: But if make it one, it'll go down easier for me. Mike: *sigh* . > "OA Crystal Power, Make Up!" The words came from within me, from my >subconscious. > There was a flash of light, I felt vaguely dizzy and as I opened my eyes I was >dressed differently. Tom: (as Cathy) I looked like my mom. > I now wore a white bodysuit with a green bow, and a short black pleated skirt. I had >green knee-high boots and arm gauntlets. "Cool," I cried, "I'm a super hero!" > "Use your powers wisely. G'gory will guide you." Mike: Gary Gygax? Tom: Al Gore? > Who?" I asked, but the blue man was gone. > "Me," a voice answered. I looked down and saw a little black dog with the >green phi symbol across her forehead. Tom: When SPCA shelters go bad. > "Sugar?" I cried. Mike: It's not often you spot a Bob Mould in the wild like that. >She looked just like my dog at home -- except for the green thing on her forehead. >"No, G'gory. Now you must hurry, Sailor Moon is in danger. Follow me!" Tom: Following a dog like that usually means an obstacle course of tubes, seesaws, hoops and small hurdles. > We ran across the park, me keeping pace behind the quickly moving dog. As >we ran across a street, a car sped towards us. I leapt in horror and to my amazement, >cleared the car and the street. "Wow!" Crow: (as Sailor OA) I cleared *all* the goose poop in a single bound! > "No time, hurry!" > I became aware of someone shrieking in terror. "I recognize that wail!" I cried, >rushing towards the sound, which was in somebody's back yard. I found Usagi, in her >pajamas, on the ground in tears as the same two men from the arcade gleefully tore >her locket from her uniform shirt, which they held in their hands. > "Stop right there!" I cried, "Leave her alone!" > "Who the heck are you?" One of them cried. Rosencratz or Guildenstern, I >couldn't tell. > "I am Sailor OA," I cried, tossing my mask in the air, and posing prettily. >"Champion of literary enigmas everywhere -- and you guys are toast!" Mike: (as Sailor OA) And I have vacuums! Just need your ID. > "Get her!" one of them shouted to the other. > "Well, duh!" he cried, leaping towards me, sword extended. > "Sailor OA, get the crystal!" Usagi shouted. > "Just a sec," I grunted dodging Rosencratz's laser power. I leapt forward, >knocking him down. With the split second I had I shouted: Tom: (as Sailor OA) STELLA!!!! > "OA, SHARD BLAST!" Green sparks, similar to shards of glass flew from my >hands and hit Rosencratz in the leg. He crumpled to the ground. > "Ha, take that Rosencratz!" I shouted. > "I'm Guildenstern!" Rosencratz cried, catching me off guard with a laser blast. >It hit me square and I was propelled against the wall. Crow: Human graffiti. Neat. > "Hey ugly, why don't you pick on someone your own size!!" A voice cried out. >I peaked open my eyes to catch two figures in the shadows. Both were dressed in >long trench coats, one in black with a fedora pulled past his nose, the other in tan, like >a PI or something. Mike: You were right, Tom. It's "Soultaker" all over again! > "Now who are you?" Guildenstern asked. I rolled my eyes; they really should >know better. > "I am the Soul Warden," the figure in black intoned, pulling a Katana out from >inside his coat. > "And I am er, Soul Whip," the second one cried, pulling an energy charged >whip from within his coat. There was a flash of light and the two posed then attacked. Crow: This is not the time for publicity photos guys. > "Rosencratz, Guildenstern, Double team!" Rosencratz and Guildenstern >shouted, blasting twin fireballs at the two new warriors. The two Soul Brothers >dodged gracefully, then turned and attacked shouting words in Japanese that I did not >understand. Tom: Loosely translated, I think they said: "GET US OUT OF THIS FIC!" > I thought it was about time that I got off another attack so I shouted "OA >SHARD BLAST," again and hit them from behind. They both fell down. > "That wasn't very honorable," Warden commented. > "I like it," Whip grinned. Crow: (falsetto) It pleases me. > "Too late, Sailor Simps!" A deep voice called. Tom: (as Nelson) Ha ha! > "Hey," I shouted, "She resembles that remark!" pointing to Usagi. > A new figure appeared on the scene. He floated above the ground, dressed in >green and red robes that culminated in a high-rimmed Dracula-like collar around his >neck. In his hands he held Usagi's locket, "I have the Silver Imperium Crystal, now I >have the power!" > "Uh, scuse me," I interrupted again about to make a He-Man crack. Mike: (as Sailor OA) I thought that was a bit trite on my part, so I gave him an even better crack. Crow: The vertical smile? Mike: (angry) No! What I meant was... was... (now flustered) yes. > "Hush!" he cried, chucking a glowing ball of blue fire at me like it was a >meatball. I dodged it, but barely. The missile rebounded and struck Rosencratz and >Guildenstern. They cried out in pain, but as the smoke cleared, only one figure was >visible -- a giant monstrous combination of the two, with poison spikes, and blaster >cannons on his arms. > "Face my minion and know the power of Faust," the figure cried before fading >away. > 'Faust!" I gasped, standing from my fall, "Holy $#!t!" Mike: Is it me or does Cathy bear a resemblance to someone we know already? Crow: Yeah... I see it too. She sees UFO's, knows how do pronounce punctuation marks, and then we read her stuff. It's... it's... Tom: John _-_ Winston in drag? All: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!!!!!!! > "We've got problems," Warden directed towards the Rosenstern creature. > "I've got it covered," Whip grinned as he raised his hand in the air and >shouted, "Mech Armor, To me!" Suddenly he was covered with way cool Mech->Armor, looking sort of like a mini Optimus Prime. He began shooting at the creature, >which shot back. Crow: Dueling movie cameras. Nice concept. > After this happened a few times, I realized the property damage was starting to >become extensive. Time to put an end to this, I thought. Mike: (as Sailor OA) We needed FEMA to assist us. > The monster looked just weak enough for me to try it. "GREEN PLANET >POWER ELIMINATION!!!" > Green energy began to rise from the ground, sort of like the Ultima Spell in >Final Fantasy III, encompassing the creature who crumbled to ashes. > "Rosencratz and Guildenstern are Dead!" I declared as the Soul brothers >stared at me blankly. > Usagi began to wail once again, "My crystal!" Tom: (as Usagi) All the priceless Waterford stuff... gone! * > Jordan carried her back to her bedroom, for that's who Soul Whip really was >(Were any of you REALLY surprised?) All: (flatly) No. >George and I followed. "Soul Warden?" I teased, "Are we naming ourselves after >Magic cards now?" Crow: (as George) Call me Mwonvuli Ooze. > "It's a lot better than Sailor Oh -Uh!" > "It's OA! And that's the planet I'm from!" > "Of course it is." > "Hold on guys," Jordan interrupted, "We gotta figure out what's going on >here." Mike: (as Jordan) First, we gotta lay off the sake for awhile. > "Suddenly he's acting out of character," I shrugged. > "Must've passed his Will Power roll," George joked. > "Would you guys cut it out!" he shouted. > "Back to normal. So I guess It was a busy night for everyone?" I explained my >encounter with the alien. George and Jordan acknowledge similar accounts, but >didn't have time to tell me what. > The remaining glass in the window was broken as a bolt of lightening crashed >through nearly hitting George. > "Leave her alone you creepy Nega-creeps," a voice called from the outside. Tom: (as voice) Or I'm telling mom! > I stuck my head out the window. Probably a pretty stupid thing to do, "It's only >us!" > "Cathy?" a girl in a red Sailor Scout uniform asked puzzled. > "Rei?" I said, equally puzzled. "Let me guess, you guys are the Sailor >Scouts?" > "And why are you dressed like one of us?" Sailor Venus demanded. "We had >heard that Sailor Moon was under attack." > "So did I, from G'gory, my dog. . . G'gory stop that!" I called. Crow: (as Cathy) Get off my leg! > My dog was chasing two cats around Usagi's yard, one white, one black and each >with a tiny yellow crescent moon on their forehead. > "Artemis!" Sailor Venus picked her cat up, "Stop playing, we have serious >business!" Tom: (as Sailor Venus) We need to start our own internet company! > "Who's playing?" he growled. > I gasped. Why I was surprised at a taking cat I don't know. The talking DOG >didn't faze me any. > "Why don't you guys come on in" I pulled myself back into the room. Poor >Usagi's bedroom was a bit crowded with five Sailor Scouts, two Soul Brothers and >three talking animals. Mike: It's any college dorm room on a Friday night. Crow: Only after the liquor takes affect. > "What happened?" Luna cried after re-introductions were made. > "Faust took the crystal," I growled, clenching my fists tightly. > Who is this Faust guy, you seem to know him," Artemis asked. > "It's an old legend, Marlowe wrote a play about it. Faust was a Medieval >Doctor who sold his soul to Satan. . . " > "Jay?" > "No, the real Satan, for incredible power." Mike: His own fully functioning nuclear power plant. > "Oh, I get it," Mina said, "So he must want the Imperium Silver Crystal to add >to his power." > "Right on Sailor Venus, that could be the only explanation," Artemis agreed. > "Right now," Ami interrupted, "We have to figure out how to get the crystal >back." > "But we don't even know where it is!" Lita protested. > "I can use my Soul powers to find him," George murmured, the first words he >had spoken. > "Then we can roast this guy," Lita put in angrily. Tom: (as Lita) And serve him with cornbread stuffing and glazed carrots! > "Hold on, we have to be careful, he's got the crystal right? And he's a >sorceror," I interjected. > "And we've lost Sailor Moon," Rei put in. Jordan looked at her sharply. >"Without the crystal, she can't transform!" she explained. Bots: (singing) She lost her superpowers, she was invisible, she could just cut herself right of her will... > At this point Usagi began to wake up, "Oh guys, I had this horrible dream, >where someone took the Silver Imperium Crystal and oh!" she gasped when she saw >Jordan sitting at her bedside. "How, wow, Mike: Usagi: Sailor Native American. >Cathy you're a Sailor Scout too!!" > "Yeah," I smiled, sitting on the other side of the bed. > "But how?" Rei asked, "We know all the Sailor Senshi for the nine planets. . ." > "There are more than nine planets out there," Luna whispered. > "Huh?" everyone turned to look at her. > "It's a great big universe and we're so very puny. Just tiny specs of dust about >the size of Micky Rooney." Tom: (as Jerry Lewis from the Animanics) Hoyl! Stop with the singing already! > I intoned seriously. "Hush, " Luna reprimanded. "I must tell you of the secret of the >Silver Millennium, of the Dark Queen." > "Luna, we don't have much time," Sailor Venus protested. > As if her words were prophetic, we heard Usagi's mother call out, "Are you >okay honey?" > "Scatter!" I cried, as Jordan, George and the Sailor Senshi dived for different >areas of Usagi's room, under her bed, in her closet, behind the door. Crow: In the mattress... Mike: As the floor lamp... Tom: Out the window... to someone's death... > The blue-haired woman walked in, "Goodness, what happened in here?" > "Um, I think someone threw a rock through my window," Usagi cried. > "Oh dear, I'll get your father, he can board up the window for the night. . . " as >she left, we left our hiding places. > "Tomorrow, the Temple," Luna whispered, "All of you be there!" Tom: (as drag racing announcer) BE THERE!! THIS SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!! Mike: We'll be there, but first we need a break. (M&TB leave the theater.) (1...2...3...4...5...6...) (SOL Bridge. Plates of cupcakes and donuts are scattered all over the desk. Mike is scarfing down said pastries at an alarming pace. The bots, on either side of him, are in disbelief.) Tom: Mike, what in God's name are you doing? Mike: (through mouthfuls of food) Dieting. Crow: Dieting?!? Only sumo wrestlers in the downside of their career get this desperate. Tom: In fact, I think you're going to gain weight before anything else happens. Mike: Nope, it's a proven technique. Look at this. (shoves a sheet of paper in front of Tom's face.) Tom: The Sailor Scout diet? The hell?? Mike: Have you ever noticed that the scouts can eat anything they want at outrageous speeds and still fit in those school uniforms? The massive intake must speed up digestion so fast they burn more calories then they take in. Crow: Mike, the only way this diet will ever work is if you turn bulimic or if your stomach explodes. Mike: Well, I don't care what you two say. I've lost 2 pounds in the past 5 minutes and soon I'll be able to drop a size in my jumpsuit. This is definitely the best i've felt in years and i'm going to continue with this. (He starts eating again, but after a few seconds he stops. He clutches his chest, and after emitting a loud "URGGGGGG" falls behind the counter) Tom: (looking at the floor) Great. Cardiac arrest. Gypsy, code green on Mike! Gypsy: (offscreen) Ok, I'll get the kit! (commercial light flashes) Crow: Let's make sure he's conscious by the time the fic starts up. We'll be right back. (Taps light with beak) (Over the planet logo, we hear Gypsy yell "CLEAR!" and then the sound of a defibrillator.) (Commercials) (Mike's hair is standing slightly on end as he and the bots reenter the theater.) Tom: Gypsy said the treatment will cost $8,000. Mike: I'll talk to her once we've finished this. >Chapter Four. > "All I've got to say, is that I had some wacky dreams last night," I exclaimed, >as we made our way down the street towards Rei's Temple. > "Me too," Jordan frowned. Crow: (as Jordan) I had no hair! > "It's memories from your past," G'gory put in, after checking to make sure no >one was about. > "What past? I don't understand!" > "Simple, Sailor OA. Two thousand years ago the Solar System was united by >the Silver Millennium, an empire ruled by Queen Serenity and her daughter Serena. Tom: (as G'gory) But soon Serena's fan club rose up and killed her because they loved her music so much. Mike: Uh, Tom, that's Selena. Tom: Close enough. >"Each planet provided a scout, or Senshi as tribute to the moon. Each Senshi was a >warrior to protect the princess." > "So what about the Soul brothers? And my planet, OA?" > "I was getting to that! The Soul brothers were Mercenaries who were hired by >Queen Serenity to find a galactic criminal, Tom: Rafael Resendez-Ramirez? Mike: Abdullah Ocalan? > whose existence was a closely guarded secret. Their quest took them to the very >limits of the galaxy, to the planet OA, where the Guardians of the Galaxy appointed >their own Senshi to aid the Soul brothers." > "So why are we here now?" Jordan asked. Crow: The Cartoon Network pressured DiC to dub new episodes, and you just happened to be here. > "The Silver Imperium Crystal. When the Silver Millennium was destroyed, >Queen Serenity sent the souls of her people to be reborn in the future. You too were >caught in the war and it's power. The rest, you'll have to hear from Luna." > By then, we had reached the Temple, where the Senshi greeted us. Usagi was >in tears, I guess at the loss of her crystal. > "We must retrieve the crystal," Mina declared, "At all costs." > "What does the crystal do exactly?" I asked. Mike: (as Mina) We like to fool with brewed coffee drinkers by switching their normal coffee with the Silver Imperium Crystal. > "Anything," Ami said grimly. "George, you said you could track down the >crystal with your powers. Could you somehow pinpoint the location on my >computer?" > George thought a moment, "I suppose it's possible, though most of my powers >work on instinct." > "Then let's get to work, the sooner we find the crystal, the better," Ami >declared. George followed her out of the room. > There was a brief knock on the door, then Darien stepped in hurriedly. Darien >Chiba, also known as Tuxedo Mask, according to G'gory. "Hi guys, sorry I'm late. . . >" he paused at Usagi's glare. Mike: And was immediately turned into a stone statue. > "How dare you? I was attacked last night and you were NOWHERE nearby! >Thank goodness JORDAN was there to save me, Tom: An entire Middle Eastern nation mobilizes to save one little girl. Crow: The UN quickly decries the action. > or who knows what would have happened!" Usagi declared angrily. Mike: *sighs* From one freak to another... will she ever learn? > Darien looked completely baffled, "What?! How could you be attacked and I >not know of it?" > I cleared my throat, "Should be leave the two of you alone?" > The both looked at me squarely and frowned. > "Maybe," Mina put in, "It's because the Silver Imperium Crystal was taken. >That may block your sixth sense." Tom: Ah! He lost his sense of reality! It makes perfect sense now! > "The Silver Imperium Crystal was taken!!" Darien declared, "We have to get >it back!" > "Ami and George are working on it as we speak," Luna told him. > "I don't get it," Darien shrugged, "George? Jordan, you?" He gestured in my >direction. > "Oh, Jordan's one of the Soul brothers," Usagi stated nonchalantly. > "Soul brothers?!" Darien reacted visibly. Crow: Ray Charles and Curtis Mayfield as the Soul Brothers in "Sailor Who?" Mike: Now appearing at bad fanfic websites near you. > "Yeah, there were warriors for my mother, Queen Serenity." Usagi said like a >queen, "And they came to my rescue when YOU weren't there!" > "Enough!" Luna declared, "We don't have time for this!" > "Guys, we think we've found a way to get the crystal," Ami and George >entered, each transformed into their alter egos. > "Good, now we can stop this useless fighting," Rei rolled her eyes. > George pushed a button on Ami's tiny computer, Mike: And crashed it. Shows you how good Windows 98 is. >and a 3D hologram schematic of the city appeared in the middle of the room. A blue >light blinked at the top of the tower. Crow: (as George) We've found the largest K-Mart in the world. Will that help? > He pointed, "That's the portal to the, well, we're not quite sure where." > "It will take us to the crystal, at least," Ami agreed. > "So are we ready to do this?" Lita declared, clenching her fists angrily. > "Wouldn't it be good to have a plan first?" Jordan put in. The girls looked at >him blankly. > "Yeah, we won't have Sailor Moon and the crystal to depend on," Rei >murmured. > "You're going to have to stay behind Usagi," Luna declared. > "But it's MY crystal!" she wailed. > "You can't fight without it, Meatball head!" Rei growled, "You'd only be in >danger!" Crow: Great, now the mental image of Archie Bunker dressed as Sailor Moon is stuck in my head. Tom: Ugh! Keep it to yourself! > "I think we should split up," George said quietly. "One team goes in and scouts >the place, the second waits and bails them out if there's trouble." > Good idea," Rei frowned, "How do we divide the teams?" Mike: Shirts and skins should be good enough. > "I think I know. Mina and Lita stay here to protect Usagi. I should go cause I >know Lit. . . " I said. > "I'll go so we have some raw power, if Lita stays behind." Rei stated. > "I'll go to take scans of the place," Ami decided. > "Me too, I want a crack at this guy who attacked Usagi." Darien declared. > "Too little, too late. " Jordan murmured. > Darien swung around, "Don't play with me, Scout boy. . . " Crow: (as Darien) ...or i'll beat your ass so bad in the Pinewood Derby... > "Seems to me you're not doing your job too well," Jordan frowned. > "Sheesh, it's a good thing we're separating you two. Come on, transform!" > MARS CRYSTAL POWER!!" > "MERCURY CRYSTAL POWER!!" > "OA CRYSTAL POWER!!"" > "MAKE UP!!!!" > Darien shook his head, then spun in a circle. Tuxedo Mask took his place. > "Your costume's different," Rei pointed to my gauntlets and the symbol of OA >upon my bow and tiara. "It's cool." > "Thanks, " I smiled, "Aren't those heels a bit impractical?" Crow: (as Rei) Not when I moonlight as a dominatrix. > She groaned, "Oh, gosh yeah. I've like nearly broken my ankles at least 20 >times! But there's nothing I can do to change them!" > "Maybe if you put different shoes on while you're transformed, they'll become >part of your outfit." > "Hmm," she thought a sec, "Before we go this time, I'm switching to a pair of >sneakers!" > I looked down to check out my skirt, then realized I was suddenly about a foot >taller. "Aw yeah," I was starting to really like this transformation thing. Mike: Then she realized she was standing on a soapbox and all the fun was gone. >Chapter 5 > "Ok, so how do we get there?" I asked, staring at Tokyo Tower staring down >at us. > "Like this, hold hands," Rei reached out and grabbed my hands and >Mercury's. We made a circle of four, then began to rise in the air. "Cool," I grinned. Tom: Ring around the rosie for the perpetually stoned. > The air around the spire of the tower was electrified. Blue light sparkled, >forming the portal George and Ami had found. "Is it just me, or does this look like a >trap to you?" Mike: (as D&D nerd) Will someone roll for detect traps please?? > "Well of course it is," Rei smiled, "But that's never stopped us before." > "Let's do it!" We plunged, into electricity. > The lightning crackled around us, burning our extremities. The air became >heavy, the pressure intensifying around us. My ears popped at least once. The >darkness gave way to light, too bright light that caused our eyes to water and caught >us off guard as we arrived on the plain. Crow: These people took Greeley's statement *way too far*. > There were gates, tall tarnished silver constructions, attached to pillars of >blackened marble. And only one thing stood between us and these gates. Mike: The doorman from Club 54. Circa 1978. > A creature, looking like godzilla on a bad day, a huge dinosaur-like thing, >covered in seamless greenish gray scales, snapped at us, guarding the gilded gates. > "Mars, Fire, Ignite!" Rei shouted, more to catch the creature off guard than to >cause it any harm. Crow: (as Rei) Chinese fire drill! > To her surprise and our shock, the flame engulfed the creature's head. Ashes, >in the form of the head, fell to the floor in a cartoonish caricature. Then, to our >amazement, two new heads grew from the single stump. > "Hydra," I whispered. Mike: (as Cathy, whispering) And you *really* ticked him off. > Tuxedo Mask rose in the air, "That foul creature has survived your attack? No >more! I, Tuxedo Mask shall see to it!" > "Sheesh, shut up already!" > Without sparing a glare for me, he let forth a barrage of roses, each sticking to >various parts of the creature, not doing much harm. Tom: (as Tuxedo Mask) Ok Mr. Hydra, you have your corsage. Can I take you to the prom now? > "Ami!" I shouted, "Do that fog thing you did at the arcade!" > "Mercury bubbles BLAST!" > In the hazy fog I let forth my own attack, aiming as best as I could for the >thing's heart. "OA shard BLAST!" > There was a shriek and as the fog faded I could see Hydra had griped Rei in >it's mouth. Crow: (as Hydra) Mmmm... appetizer. > She had no choice, she blasted fire down the thing's mouth, once again it was >reduced to ashes and Rei fell to the ground along with them. Tuxedo Mask caught >her before she went SPLAT. > Two more heads grew from the hole. > "How do we kill this thing?" We backed away out of it's reach. Tom: Little known Greek mythology fact: A monster's toothbrush can be lethal if used in the right way. > "Well," I thought for a moment, "when Hercules killed the Hydra, he just kept >cutting off heads till there were no more left." > "That doesn't make any sense!" Ami protested, "Why didn't he just go for the >heart?" > "Hey, it's Greek Mythology, I didn't make it up," I shrugged. > "And if you noticed," Darien put in, "When OA hit the heart the thing just >shrugged it off." > "Then why don't we try the Hercules way," Rei grinned. Crow: Kevin Sorbo has no time for you second class dweebs. > "Let's go, pour all your energy at that thing's head er heads!" > "Mars Celestial Fire- SURROUND" > "Shine Aqua ILLUSION!" > OA Shard BLAST!" > "Again!" Mike: Cut! Rewind the tape and let's try it again! > We kept hitting that thing, more and more heads popping out. > "Almost there! Keep going!" Tuxedo Mask shouted encouragement. > Finally all that remained was a hunk of burned flash. Ashes, smoke and soggy >body parts were strewn about everywhere. Crow: Ah, the fight took place in Kosovo. Mike: Or in the Kingsford charcoal factory. > "Glad that's over, " Tuxedo Mask sighed, > I glared at him, "And that was but the first guardian." We walked up to the >gate. "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here," I whispered. Tom: We abandoned hope when we started reading this. > "Dante, the Inferno," Ami said smugly. > "If he's read that, we're screwed," I answered. > "Darien, open the gates," Rei commanded. He looked at her askance. Then >he stepped forward and tapped the gates with his cane. Mike: (singsong) The welcome wagon is here! > They creaked open ominously. > Beyond was a maze, a combo of walls, bushes, and statues. We were offered >three paths -- one of marble, one of granite and a third of brick. Mike: Which masons completed minutes before they arrived. > "Well? Which on?" Rei mused. > "'I took the path less traveled by, and it has made all the difference,'" I quoted >again. > "Robert Frost," Ami echoed after him. > "Shh! I know that!" > "They didn't." > "We have to choose one," Rei said, "Hold on." She held out her prayer beads, >facing each of the paths. She finally sighed, "I sense evil from all three," > "Well, which is the LEAST evil?" I asked. > "No way to tell," she shrugged. > Ami had her computer out, I assumed she was scanning the area. Tom: The police had been on their heels ever since they arrived. > "Ok," I said, "Eni, Mini, Miny, Moe, -- we'll take that one," I ended up pointing to >the brick path. > "Let's go," Rei flexed her gloves then ran forward, the rest of us behind her. >We passed icky trees, their slimy branches reaching for us as we slipped past, they >whispered of nightmares. Then, it seemed as if we were in a desert, sand >everywhere, the sun burning our skin, then, just as quickly, a swamp where we nearly >drowned. Mike: Ah, it's 'Around the United States in 80 Seconds'. > "Is this real?" Rei gasped, clutching Darien's hand as he pulled her from the >water. Tom: Nope, looks like New York City tap to me. > "Look, some relief it seems," I pointed, the swamp ended in a path of bricks. > "I doubt it," Rei snarled. > "Hey, it could be worse," I suggested. Mike: (as Sailor OA) It could be the relief pitchers for the Seattle Mariners. > "Don't say that!" Darien cried, "Don't ever say that! Whenever you say that. . >. " > We heard rumbles from behind us, a huge lumbering creature appeared in the >wood. Crow: Andre the Giant? > We ran for the path. > "It always gets worse!" Darien shouted. > We turned a corner running into a large courtyard. It was pretty, decorated >with flowers, a fountain, some statues and benches. But there were no other paths >out of the courtyard. > "Oh shit," Rei snapped. > "No, this is good, perfect place to fight that thing. Ami, you stand over there >and do your Bubble thing when it comes through. Rei -- over there, Darien to the left. >As soon as the Bubbles are out, we fire at whatever comes out the entrance." > "Let's do it," Rei bounded to her position, as I prepared to cast my power. I >gasped in the split second I saw the creature before Ami cast her bubbles. It was the >Minotaur. > Instinct took over and I shouted, "OA Shard BLAST," as Green bolts of light >sprang from my fingertips. Mike: I never knew Glosticks could do so much. > I saw tongues of fire and knew Rei had done her job. Tom: She hired every televanglist to strike fear in the creature. > Then we heard Ami scream. The fog faded and I saw the Minotaur holding Ami >over his head. Crow: Little did they know that they were the equipment in the "World's Strongest Monster" competition. > "Ami!!" Rei screamed as he threw her across the courtyard. > "No!!" I shouted, extended my hand out. To my surprise a green forcefield >appeared, cushioning Ami's fall. My distraction cost me. Something struck me hard >in the back and I went down. I rolled to my side, avoiding a second blast of lightning >from the creature's horns. > How the heck did Hercules beat the Minotaur? Wait, that was Kevin Sorbo, no >Theseus beat the Minotaur, I think. Damn there goes another blast of lightning. I >rolled again. It was quiet, Tom: (singing) It's oh so quiet. > I managed to get to my feet. > The Minotaur was clutching his eyes, where two red roses were imbedded in his >sockets. Crow: That happens when your eyes are made of Spanish moss. > "Green Planet Elimination!" I cried out, banishing the creature. Rei ran to >Ami's side. > "My arm, I thin it's broken!" Mercury said grimly. Mike: (as Sailor Mercury) I admit it! I'm anorexic! Look what's it's done to me... calcium deficiency! > "Hey, pretty cool with the Roses in the eyes thing," I complimented Darien. > "We've got company," he turned. > A man had materialized in the center of the courtyard, wearing long black robes >with purple lining, stitched with menacing silver symbols down the front. Tom: We now join "Manos II: What the Hell Were They Thinking?" already in progress. > "Faust," I said grimly. Crow: Fouts? Tom: (as football commentator) Fouts back to pass, escapes the rush and fires a prayer toward the end zone. Jump ball... and Kellen Winslow has it! Touchdown Chargers!! > He raised his hands and in a flash of light, Ami, Rei and Darien were gone. > "What have you done with them!" I shouted. Mike: (as Faust) They paid me to get out of this fic and I gladly obliged. > He grinned and that's not good, when evil villains grin. "Don't worry, you'll be >joining them shortly." Mike: (still as Faust) But your check bounced. I'll need cash before you can leave. > "They're not dead!" I gasped. > "No, they're trapped in their worst nightmare, care to see?" > "Not really," I tried to say, but couldn't as I was swept away by his power. > Our first visit was Rei's nightmare. As customary fan-fic rules dictate, Crow: Plot contrivances are a dime a dozen. > we were immaterial, unable to act in the vision. I watched with horror as I saw Rei >battling a gigantic creature. She cast fire from her hands, only to have that fire >double back and consume her. Tom: The effects of heartburn: a real life demonstration. > I screamed as the flames licked her fuku, moving almost in slow motion, the >scent of burning flesh overwhelmed me. > "You see," Faust whispered in my ear, "Mars fears her own power, the rage >that will consume her. So different from our Ice Queen over here." Mike: (as emcee) Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Antarctica! > In another heartbeat, we watched Ami, like Rei also in battle. The creature >was unfamiliar to me, a tall auburn haired woman who shouted menacing questions. > "What's the square root of 256?" > "Define Basidiomycota." Crow: In Ami's case, I don't think she can spell it. Mike: Or even pronounce it. > "Use the deconstruction approach to criticism and explain Hamlet." Tom: We haven't seen it yet. Mike: Huh? Pearl wouldn't give us a classic like that to read. Tom: You never know, she could give us a crappy movie about it. > "What's the significance of the African Diaspora?" (At this point, there is a loud 'poof' and a smoke cloud appears at the left side of the theater. As the smoke clears, two silhouettes appear in the chairs. Their outline looks like these two people. Craig is in the far left chair, and Cathy is seated next to him.) Craig: (pissed) You had to bring Dr. Dickinson up, didn't you? Cathy: (equally pissed) I had to! It was the only way to vent my anger from her class. Craig: Well, maybe now Sam will learn that he's not going to like that class in the fall. Crow: (perplexed) Can we... help you? Cathy: Nope, we've done enough damage. Later! (The smoke cloud reappears and the two disappear.) Mike: Remind me to drink only decaf for the next month. Bots: Same here. > "I don't know, I don't know!" Ami gasped, holding the sides of her head. > "If you can't answer your friends will die," > "No!" she screamed, "I can't, . . ." > Faust's whisper reached my ears, "Watch as her knowledge falls from her >mind. See how soon she won't remember her own name or why she's even fighting. Tom: NATO has the same effect. > She fears her lack of knowledge will endanger her friends, who so depend on her >brain," > "Stop this!" I demanded > One more . . . All: (singing) ...for the road... > Tuxedo Mask, poor Darien, at the beck and call of a serpent-like woman, >flanked by four men. One with short blonde hair, the other with long auburn hair both >stood to her right. The third kept under the embrace and cape of the fourth man who >had startling silver hair. > Darien sat on his knees, naked, a metal collar around his neck, the woman >holding the chain. Mike: The next generation of Tamagotchi. > "This makes no sense," I declared. > "You do not know Tuxedo Mask's past, nor how he was once enslaved by >Queen Beryl, the woman you see there. See how he fears being controlled again." > With a swift movement we were gone and back into the courtyard. Crow: (as Cathy) The Marriott staff wondered why we in the pool at such a late hour. > "Why did you show me that, Faust?" I demanded, my fist clenched at my sides. >Anger and hate filled my being. He was cruel, truly evil. > He grinned wickedly, "To show you my power, for one thing. And that is even >without the Ginshou," > "The what?" Tom: (as Faust) Sorry about my lisp. I meant Ginsu. Ginsu knives. > "The Silver Imperium Crystal," he reached deep into his robes and displayed >the tiny crystal, "So small, don't you think? But so full of power. Do you know how it >was made?" > I shook my head, curious, but more interested in trying to find any of Faust's >weaknesses. Mike: (as Sailor OA) If I shake my head enough, I could give him motion sickness. > "Please, sit down," he moved his other hand and suddenly a bench swept >across the courtyard, sweeping my feet from under me. I sat down hard. > "The crystal was formed by seven great Lunarian Mages, Crow: (as Faust) On Earth they're better known as the Seven Dwarves. > who gave their lives to its making. It is one of the most powerful creations in the >universe, but it has limits." > "Limits?" like weaknesses, I thought. Perhaps THIS would give me some clue >as to how to defeat him. > He grinned, "Don't pretend ignorance. I won't play evil villain and tell you my >weaknesses and my plans. What's important is that YOU possess an artifact I can >use with much more equanimity." > "What are you talking about?" I gasped. Tom: (as Faust) I'd look smashing in that skirt you're wearing. I'd be the hit of the evil villains' costume ball! > "Yes, I really must thank you for saving me the trouble of going to your realm >to retrieve it. I truly appreciate it. To show my thanks, I will make you the offer to >join me, in my pursuit of power and knowledge." > "What?!" I said again. > "I see an scholar in you, and I sense great dark potential. Crow: Combine those two attributes and you get someone in the Jesse Jackson mold. > If we pool our power the world will be within our grasp! Admit it, you find evil >strangely seductive, attractive . . ." > "You're crazy to think I'd just pack up and join you! Especially after you just >tortured my friends!" I cried, momentarily forgetting that I had always said that once >in such a situation the hero should always pretend to agree with the villain. Doh, >opportunity lost. > But it didn't surprise Faust, "I see it is not yet time for your Dark Awakening. >I suppose I will settle for the ring for now," Tom: (as Faust) Will you marry me? > "My transformation ring!" I squealed, "No way!" > "Give it to me!" he grabbed my hand and tried to pull it off of my middle finger. >Luckily, it got stuck. Crow: (as Cathy) I was thankful I had moved it from the first place I wore it. Mike: Crow..... > He gasped as I pulled away. "You won't get away with this. OA Shard. . " >Before I could finish my attack, I was frozen, paralyzed by some spell. Tom: It's called wearing a skimpy outfit like that by itself during a New Jersey winter. > "I see the Guardians finally improved on their design. That ring won't leave >you hand unless by choice or death," He grinned yet again, holding out his left hand. >A long scepter appeared with a dark crystal globe at the tip, he pointed the staff at >me, dark lightning collected around the sphere. > "Now you shall die," his eyes glittered with dangerous madness. > "NOOOOOO!" All: Right on sister! We can't take this either! >Chapter 6 > "Venus Love Chain Encircle!" > "Soul Whip Ensnare!" Mike: (as Soul Whip) Fear my Twizzlers of death! > The two bands of power wrapped around Faust, binding his arms to his sides. >His scepter dropped to the floor useless. > Faust growled in anger, snapping the binds with a burst of strength, as he >turned to face his new foes: Soul Whip, Soul Warden, Sailor Venus and Sailor Jupiter. > "How did you get past my maze?!" Faust growled in anger. Tom: (as Soul Warden) It's amazing the things you can do with a hedge maze and a chain saw. > "None of your business, asshole," George lifted his sword, which glinted >brightly. A charge of power emerged from the tip, blasting Faust. As he flew >backwards, I felt the paralysis spell leave me. I slumped to the floor as the others >continued to attack Faust. > "Jupiter Thunder Clap Zap!" > "Venus Meteor Shower!" > "Soul Whip Ensnare!" > "Soul Ward Sword Explode!" Bots: (as Wilma and Betty from the Flintstones) CHARGE IT!!!! > "Guys!" I cried, "He's got the other's trapped! We have to save them!" > They were busy, as Faust deflected most of their attacks and began shooting >Fireballs at them. > "Where are they?" A voice said behind me. I turned to find Usagi staring at >me. She was dressed in her school uniform, arms crossed across her chest. Mike: (as Usagi, chanting) Ooooommmmmmmmm.......... > "How did you get here?!" I asked. > "I came with the others. When my friends are in trouble, I gotta help them! >Where's the crystal?" > "He has it in his robes, but I don't think he can use it." I eyes the blasted >landscape noting Faust's scepter still lay on the ground. > "No, but he could use it as a power source," Usagi said grimly, "Which is >probably how he is holding off two of the more powerful Senshi and two of the Soul >brothers." Something had overtaken her, I could see it in her eyes, a dawning >intelligence, as if she was older than she appeared. > I heard a scream and saw the four fighters had been flung across the courtyard. >My eyes fell upon Faust's discarded staff. An idea began to form in my mind. >"Usagi, get the scepter." I briefly told her my plan, then set to work. > She held out the dark scepter, white lightning crackling at her fingertips, "Take >that, Negatrash!" The dark energy hit Faust catching him off guard. Here was where >I came it. Crow: So the fight scene is nothing more than a deadly game of tag? > I held out my ring, created a forcefield, just like the one I created around Ami, only >this one was around the crystal. I called with my mind to bring the crystal to me, and >it slowly moved out of Faust's robes, floating towards me. > "Fool," he cried, "Did you think I wouldn't notice?" With a snap he broke the >energy beam that held the crystal, while using his other hand to draw the scepter >back to him. Usagi fell back, startled > "Now, 'Sailor Moon'," he mocked her, "you may die!" Tom: (as Monty Hall) Or you may take what's behind curtain #3. > He held the scepter out, crystal in one hand as he blasted Usagi, who, while not >transformed into her alter ego, could not dodge as quickly. > "No!" Jordan cried. > I reached forward, calling up my forcefield to protect the girl. Surprisingly the >lightening fizzled before it reached her. I turned, Jordan had ensnared the crystal in >his Whip, dislodging Faust's power source. > "That's mine!" Faust raised a hand to blast Jordan, a minor fireball, but even a >minor fireball could kill him. > "Usagi, catch!" he tossed the crystal to the blond girl. > "Eek. Don't throw so hard!" She barely caught the shiny rock, which >transformed into her locket. "Moon Crystal Power! MAKE UP!" Crow: (as Sailor Moon) Time for my big scene! > "No!" Faust whirled, his strength sapped and the tide of battle finally turning >against him. > "Now you're moondust!" Usagi whipped out her Elimination Scepter, then fell >to her knees in pain, "The Silver Crystal! It's all used up! I don't have the strength!" Mike: She bonked. Sad. > Faust's eyes glittered as he saw his chance, once again he raised his scepter, >pointing it at Usagi. > "No, you don't!" I held out my ring, making a forcefield around him, so no >attacks could get out. He merely grinned at me and started chanting. I could feel my >energy being drained away. Tom: She'll need a big bowl of Grape Nuts after this. > In horror I realized he was using my power to boost his energy. > "Sailor Moon, you've got to blast this guy," Soul Whip encouraged, "If he wins >he'll dominate the earth. . . " > "We can lend you energy," Soul Warden said briskly. "Everyone, get behind >her! Call forth your power on the scepter!" > "Right!" Jupiter and Venus nodded. > I fell to the ground, all my energy stolen, "It's down!" I managed to shout. Mike: (as Sailor OA) No email or internet for awhile! > "Now, Sailor Moon!" Jordan whispered. > She pointed the scepter and shouted, "Moon Scepter >ELIMINATION!!!" > "Noooo," Faust screeched as the force of Sailor Moon, Jupiter, Venus as well >as Warden and Whip crashed into him. Surrounded by bubbly pink energy, Crow: This isn't the perfect time for a bath with Mr. Bubbles guys. > he fell to the ground, his body in the form of ashes, which scattered on the wind. > There was a sinister laugh, then a deep slithery voice, both coming seemingly >out of nowhere, "Thank you for returning my most valuable servant!" It cackled once >more, then was gone. > George and Jordan stared at each other, "That sounded like. . . " They grinned >and shook their heads, "Nah...." > Tiny lights flashed and Rei, Ami and Darien appeared, each laying where they >had fallen before. Usagi ran to Darien, helping him up. I shook my head, still dizzy >from Faust's power tap. Tom: (as Cathy) His new microbrew packed a wallop. > "Need a hand?" Jordan grasped my arm and helped me up. > "It's over," I sighed. > "Not quite," George frowned. The ground began to shake, the walls of the >courtyard crumbling. "The realm is started to collapse, now that Faust is gone!" > "We gotta get out of here!" I shouted, turning just in time to see the entrance >cave in. > "Sailor Teleport!" Venus cried. > "Everyone join hands, careful, Mercury's arm's busted." > We all joined together, six Senshi, two Soul brothers, and one Tuxedo Mask. All: (singing) And a partridge in a pear tree! > We whisked out of there moments before the ground crumbled away to nothingness. * * * CODA > Usagi sobbed pitifully, "I'm gonna miss you guys!" > "Oh stop crying, you baby!" Rei lectured playfully. > The day had come, Jordan, George and I were leaving Japan, after spending an >eventful spring break with our new friends. > "Oh, we'll keep in touch," I grinned, "Got email?" Crow: (as the AOL voice) You've got mail! Tom: (peeved) Shut... up... Crow... > "But I don't want you to go!" Usagi sobbed, grabbing Jordan around the waist, >as if that would make him stay. > I looked down as a soft furry animal brushed my legs. G'gory. I reached down >and picked up my dog. "Your plane's delayed," she yelped, "So you have a few extra >moments to say good bye." Mike: (as G'gory) I delayed the plane so I could get some Snausages from you. > "Good, why don't you go say goodbye to Artemis?" I grinned cheerfully. > Artemis mewed menacingly from Mina's arms. > "Don't worry guys," Ami smiled, cradling the sling that sheltered her broken >arm, "It's destiny, we'll all meet again!" > "I hope under better circumstances though," I grinned, stroking my dog's ears. > I watched as Mina and Lita each presented something to George. "So you'd >remember us by!" They giggled, stepping back. > He smiled shyly, looking at the tiny pictures of themselves they had given him. > "Thank you for helping us," Darien said to my right, presenting me with a soft >red rose. "Without your knowledge of English Literature, who knows what would >have happened?" Mike: (as Cathy) I would have just rewritten the story with me being a Biology whiz. > I took the rose, "Actually, my forcefields deserve the credit," I grinned. > Jordan finally pried Usagi from his waist. I smiled as their hair got entangled >again. Jordan sighed and tried to dislodge her. Tom: One whole week and neither of them shampooed their hair once. > I turned to Rei, whose eyes were shadowed. I grasped her hand, "Time, my >friend, heals all wounds, trust me." > She nodded, then forced a smile, "I'm glad to have you as a friend." > "Me too," I smiled, however unable to shake the feeling of darkness. Poor >Rei, Ami and Darien will have to live with the scars of torture. I pulled at the ring on >my finger, remembering Faust's words of my "Dark Awakening." It worried me still. > "Don't worry, Usagi, I'll come back and beat you in Virtua On 2," Jordan >smiled. It seemed to stop her sniffling. The airplane voice came over the intercom, >calling us to our gates. Tom: (singing) The horses are on the track. > "Time to go," Mike: Same here. (He grabs Tom and starts to leave the theater) > We waved goodbye, keeping them in sights as the plane sped down the runway, >taking off without a hitch. I breathed a sigh of relief. Mike: (sitting down) *sigh* Hurry up! > "You know," I turned to George and Jordan, who sat with his head in his hands. >"I just realized something." > "What?" George asked, pulling out the same gaming magazine he had on the >flight over. > "I don't speak a word of Japanese." >End (for now) Crow: There will be more?!? NO!!!!!!!! Tom: Sailor Who? 2: Sailor OA vs. Berlitz. (1...2...3...4...5...6...) (SOL Bridge. From left to right, Crow, Mike and Tom are staring at the camera. Crow is dressed like the Swiss Miss girl, complete with ponytails. Tom is wearing a cossack fur hat on his dome. Mike looks normal. There are 3 large placards facedown on the desk, one in front of each of them. There is a worn dress oxford shoe on the desk near Tom's right hand.) Magic Voice: And now the grades for Catherine Pontoriero's fanfic, "Sailor Who?". First, the judge from Switzerland. Crow: (falsetto, vague Swiss accent) This was your typical first time writer fic. All the basic elements of the story were there. But the plot seemed a bit flat and we never found out who Sailor Who? was. There's definite room for improvement, I hope to see it in the future. I give the fic a C+. (Mike holds up the placard in front of Crow, where a C+ is written in red marker.) Magic Voice: Thank you. And now the judge from the United States. Mike: (puts down Crow's placard) I thought the fic was well planned and even better written. Some spots dragged a bit, but were helped by some very nice fight scenes. I've read better Sailor Moon fics but this one didn't make me retch, and that deserves some merit. I give it a B. (He holds up the placard in front of him. The B is written in red marker. He puts it down a few seconds later.) Magic Voice: Thank you. And now the judge from the USSR. Tom: (in a very bad Russian accent) God! What are you two thinking?!? This was a piece of crap! It was nothing but a poor attempt at western propaganda! If Sailor Moon was based in Mother Russia, we'd know what to do with them! First, no short skirts! I never want this Catherine to write again! No! No! No! (normal voice) Uh, Mike, could you bang the shoe on the desk for me please? (Mike does so, ala Nikita Khrushchev's 1960 speech to the United Nations.) (Russian accent) No! No! No! No! No! No!... Mike: (stops banging shoe) Calm down dear, this will all be over soon. Just announce the grade. Tom: Ok. (Russian accent) I give it a F- you capitalist swine! (Mike holds up the placard in front of Tom were the aforementioned F- is displayed.) Magic Voice: Thank you... I think. Now the judge from the Planet of the Apes. All: HUH???? (Castle Forrester. Bobo, still dressed the way he was in the opening skit, holds up a placard that has an A+++++++++++++ scrawled on it. He's doing his usual happy dance.) Bobo: Oh, this story was truly the best ever I've read, maybe the best ever written. This girl has so much talent it's amazing. Move over Danielle Steele and Dick Francis, make room for Cathy! (From out of nowhere on stage right, a book so big it must contain the entire works of Shakespeare hits Bobo in the back in the head. He promptly falls over. Pearl pops into view, holding the book in one hand.) Pearl: (to the floor where Bobo is) Silly gorilla... reviews are for serious people! You've never read a book out side of Seuss, so shut up! (to camera) As for you Dean's list candidates, don't get your hopes up that this will be the only fic you'll see by Cathy. I've got the sequel to Sailor Who? right here (holds up a single sheet of paper in her other hand) and it's even worse than then... (she looks at paper) well, it's not done yet but when it is prepare to suffer! (Pearl laughs maniacally as the shot fades to black.) (As the credits roll, we hear M&TB screaming NO! over and over while banging the shoe on the SOL desk. It fades out as the credits end.) Postscript: Well, my first misting in almost 2 years is done. I'm hoping this is a better effort than my '"AKA" Mars Probe Conspiracy' piece I did in August '97. I will be back to riff "Sailor Who? 2" once Cathy finishes writing it. As for Cathy, I would like to thank her for letting me rip apart the fic she put so much time into writing. Craig Whyte cwhyte@monmouth.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyrighted (c) 1999 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original trademarks or copyrights held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. This MiSTing is copyrighted (c) 1999 by Craig Whyte. Use of this article or parts of this article other than entertainment purposes requires my express permission. The original story, "Sailor Who?", is the property of Catherine Pontoriero. "Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the distributors of her work. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------