CONSPIRACY TRIPLE WACK-PACK

Featuring NASA MASONIC CONSPIRACY, TV/TOYS CONDITIONING OUR 
CHILDREN and OPERATION MAJORITY, MSTed by Andy McDermott.

[Season 6 theme song]

[SOL bridge. Mike and the bots are playing 'Clue' (or 'Cluedo', depending which side of 
the Atlantic you're on.)]

Mike: Okay, Crow, I think it was Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the 
candlestick.

Crow: Sorry, Sherlock, wrong again.

Tom: Does anyone find it slightly suspicious that none of us have seen any of Crow's 
cards yet?

Gypsy: Maybe he's cheating.

Crow: Me? Cheat? Ha! I'm offended that anybody could even entertain such a thought!

Mike: Well, there was that time we were playing 'Monopoly' and you said you had a 
chance card that awarded you a million dollars.

Crow: That's what it said on the card, Mike.

Tom: In pencil!

Gypsy: And how about that time we played chess?

Crow: That game is thousands of years old, it needed updating.

Mike: I'm not sure tactical nuclear suicide pawns are quite in the spirit of chess. Let's have 
a look at those cards, Crow.

[Mike takes Crow's cards. Tom and Gypsy huddle round to look at them.]

Tom: The hell? Since when is there a 'Grassy Knoll'?

Gypsy: Who's 'J Edgar Hoover'?

Mike: 'Gas-powered dart gun tipped with pufferfish venom'? Crow, you *are* cheating!

Crow: Oh, you think? Well I've got news for you, buddy - there's a whole other world that 
the little people like you don't even know exists! Miss Scarlett bludgeoning a man to death 
with a length of lead pipe in the kitchen? You think she acted alone? I don't think so! It 
goes further than that, Mike - all the way to the top!

Tom: I vote that we never let Crow play any games with us again.

Gypsy: I second that.

Crow: See? See? The conspiracy widens even as I speak!

[The Mad Light flashes.]

Mike: Speaking of which, Costner and Stone are calling. What's up, Dr Forrester?

[Deep 13. Frank is strapped into a chair. Dr Forrester is finishing work on a sinister-
looking machine that's aimed right at Frank's head.]

Dr F: Mike, robots, good day. Or should I say *doomsday*? This is it, Mike, this is the 
big one. May I introduce you to my latest invention, the Brain-O-Tron? This handy little 
gadget will make the theater redundant - now I'll be able to beam terrible movies, moronic 
Usenet posts and ghastly fanfics directly into your brain! Not even your robot friends will 
be able to help you now!

[SOL]

Mike: You know, there are some days when I wonder why I do this job.

Tom: I think it's because you're a prisoner and don't have any choice.

Mike: Oh, yeah. So what's with Frank?

[Deep 13]

Dr F: Well, at the moment the Brain-O-Tron only works at short range. So while you're 
busy with a triple-pack of crackpot conspiracy crap, I'll be beaming the same stuff into 
Frank's frontal lobes so that I can compare the results. Then I'll wire up a transmitter and 
voom, it's world domination here I come! Enjoy your last few moments of freedom, Mike 
- from here on in the pain becomes non-stop!

[SOL]

Tom: So who actually *did* commit the murder?

Mike: According to these cards, it was Lee Harvey Oswald in the Book Depository with a 
sniper rifle.

Crow: Damn! I was sure my theory about KGB-trained atomic dolphins was the right one!

[Lights flash, sirens sound.]

Mike: We'll have to figure it out later - we've got kook sign!

[1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]

>NASA Masonic Conspiracy    Apollo Missions Masonic Symbols

Tom: Tishhh!
Mike: Symbols, Tom.

>An excerpt from Wm

All [sing]: A wm away, a wm away, a wm away, a wm away...

>Cooper's site http://harvest-trust.org/majestyt.htm

Mike: Mirrored at http://paranoid-kook.org/dumbasstheory.htm

>To make interstellar travel believable NASA was created.

Tom: NASA, of course, travelling between stars on a daily basis.

>The Apollo Space Program foisted the idea that man could travel 
>to, and walk upon, the moon.

Crow: I thought Jules Verne did that?
Mike: And Arthur C Clarke.
Tom: And The Police.

>Every Apollo mission was carefully rehearsed

Mike: So how come they let Armstrong fluff his big line?

>and then filmed in large sound stages at the Atomic Energy 
>Commissions

Tom: A-pooooos-tro-pheeeee!
Mike: Come on, Tom, punctuation flames are way too easy.

>Top Secret test site in the Nevada Desert and in a secured and 
>guarded sound stage at the Walt Disney Studios

Mike: Jeez, I knew Mauswitzch was severe, but really...

>within which was a huge scale mock-up of the moon.

Crow: 1:1 scale.
Mike: That's a big soundstage.

>All names, missions, landing sites, and events in the Apollo Space 
>Program echoed the occult metaphors,

Tom: Metaphors... fors... fors...

>rituals, and symbology of the Illuminati's secret religion.

Mike: How does Alan Shepard playing golf fit in?

>The most transparent was the faked explosion on the spacecraft 
>Apollo 13, named "Aquarius" (new age) at 1:13 (1313 military 
>time)

Crow: Say, Chris Carter's little in-jokes suddenly seem a lot more sinister.

>on April 13, 1970 which was the metaphor for the initiation 
>ceremony involving the death (explosion), placement in the coffin 
>(period of uncertainty of their survival), communion with the 
>spiritual world and the imparting of esoteric knowledge to the 
>candidate (orbit and observation of the moon without physical 
>contact), rebirth of the initiate (solution of problem and repairs), 
>and the raising up (of the Phoenix, the new age of Aquarius) by 
>the grip of the lions paw (reentry and recovery of Apollo 13). 13 
>is the number of death and rebirth, death and reincarnation, 
>sacrifice, the Phoenix, the Christ (perfected soul imprisoned in 
>matter), and the transition from the old to the new.

Crow: You know, the Illuminati's secret religion actually sounds pretty stupid.
Tom: It's not hip to be on the square.

>Another revelation to those who understand the symbolic 
>language of the Illuminati is the hidden meaning of the names of 
>the Space Shuttles, "A Colombian Enterprise to Endeavor for the 
>Discovery of Atlantis... and all Challengers shall be destroyed."

Tom: Trekkies control the Illuminati? No!
Crow: Guess that explains why Richard Branson's balloons always go down.
Mike: That's not from the symbolic language of the Illuminati, it's a puzzle from the back 
of a TV dinner box.

>Exploration of the moon stopped because it was impossible to 
>continue the hoax without being ultimately discovered.

Tom: The security guard at Disney got suspicious when he saw the names N Armstrong, E 
Aldrin and M Collins on his gate list on July 21st 1969.

>And of course they ran out of pre-filmed episodes.

Mike: The moon landings were faked by Gene Roddenberry?

>No man has ever ascended higher than 300 miles, if that high, 
>above the Earth's surface.

Tom: Apart from Mike.
Crow: And Joel.
Mike: So how do they service the Hubble? That's nearly 400 miles up... wow.
Tom: What?
Mike: I just had this bizarre feeling of impending disaster.

>No man has ever orbited, landed on, or walked upon the moon in 
>any publicly known space program. If man has ever truly been to 
>the moon it has been done in secret and with a far different 
>technology.

Crow: So space travel is impossible, but it's also possible?

>The tremendous radiation encountered in the Van Allen Belt,

Tom: Causes uncomfortable constriction in the Van Allen Pants.

>solar radiation, cosmic radiation, temperature control, and many 
>other problems connected with space travel prevent living 
>organisms leaving our atmosphere with our known level of 
>technology. Any intelligent high school student with a basic 
>physics book can prove NASA faked the Apollo moon landings

Mike: Which must say a lot about the American education system.

>If you doubt this please explain how the astronauts walked upon 
>the moons surface

Crow: By using their legs?

>enclosed in a space suit in full sunlight absorbing a minimum of 
>265 degrees of heat surrounded by a vacuum. NASA tells us the 
>moon has no atmosphere

Mike: Like a Starbucks.

>and that the astronauts were surrounded by the vacuum of space. 

>Heat is defined as

Crow: Hotness!
Mike: A four-star movie by Leonard Maltin!

>the vibration or movement of molecules within matter. The faster 
>the molecular motion the higher the temperature. The slower the 
>molecular motion the colder the temperature. Absolute zero is

Tom: How much interest I have in this post.

>that point where all molecular motion ceases. In order to have 
>hot or cold molecules must be present.

Crow: Yeah, that makes sense - guh?

>A vacuum is a condition of nothingness where there are no 
>molecules.

Tom: Kind of like inside Milton William Cooper's head.

>Vacuums exist in degrees.

Mike: Cooper probably thinks pregancies do too.

>Some scientists tell us that there is no such thing as an absolute 
>vacuum. Space is the closest thing to an absolute vacuum that is 
>known to us.

Crow: Except maybe a meeting of the Celene Dion fan club.

>There are so few molecules present in most areas of what we 
>know as "space" that any concept of "hot" or "cold" is impossible 
>to measure. A vacuum is a perfect insulator. That is why a 
>"Thermos" or vacuum bottle is used to store hot or cold liquids in 
>order to maintain the temperature for the longest time possible 
>without re-heating or re-cooling.

Tom: Re-coooooooooo-ler!

>Radiation of all types will travel through a vacuum but will not 
>affect the vacuum. Radiant heat from the sun travels through the 
>vacuum of space but does not "warm" space.

Crow: So if space isn't *warmed* by radiation, then it must be... *cold*?

>In fact the radiant heat of the sun has no affect whatsoever until 
>it strikes matter.

Mike: It won't affect this post, which is made of pure don't matter.

>Molecular movement will increase in direct proportion to the 
>radiant energy which is absorbed by matter. The time it takes to 
>heat matter exposed to direct sunlight in space is determined by 
>its color, its elemental properties, its distance from the sun, and 
>its rate of absorption of radiant heat energy. Space is NOT hot. 
>Space is NOT cold. 

Crow: Space is pleasantly lukewarm.

>Objects which are heated cannot be cooled by space.

Tom: What about if they emit infra-red radiation? Like, say, *hot* objects?

>In order for an object to cool it must first be removed from direct 
>sunlight.

Tom: Or it could *emit radiant heat*! Aaaargh!

>Objects which are in the shadow of another object will eventually 
>cool

Mike: 'Eventually' in the sense of 'pretty damn quickly'.

>but not because space is "cold". Space is not cold.

Crow [Cooper]: Space does not even exist.
All: IT'S ALL A MASONIC CONSPIRACY!

>Hot and cold do not exist in the vacuum of space.

Mike: Must make it hard to take a shower.

>Objects cool because the laws of motion dictate that the molecules 
>of the object will slow down due to the resistance resulting from 
>striking other molecules until eventually all motion will stop 
>provided the object is sheltered from the direct and/or indirect 
>radiation of the sun and that there is no other source of heat.

Tom: Help! Somebody's stolen my commas!

>Since the vacuum of space is the perfect insulator objects take a 
>very long time to cool even when removed from all sources of 
>heat, radiated or otherwise.

Crow: So how come waste water from the Space Shuttle freezes as soon as it's ejected into 
space?
Tom [Cooper]: The Space Shuttle DOES NOT EXIST!
All: IT'S ALL A MASONIC CONSPIRACY!

>NASA insists the space suits the astronauts supposedly wore on 
>the lunar surface were air conditioned.

Mike: That way they could charge an extra 500 bucks.
Tom [salesman]: And the rust inhibitor'll set ya back an extra grand...

>An air conditioner cannot, and will not work without a heat 
>exchanger. A heat exchanger simply takes heat gathered in a 
>medium such as freon

Tom [sings]: Freon as a bird...

>from one place and transfers it to another place. This requires a 
>medium

Mike: I see... your future... holds an enormous waste of time... written by a complete 
kook...

>of molecules which can absorb and transfer the heat such as an 
>atmosphere or water. An air conditioner will not and cannot work 
>in a vacuum.

Crow: Well yeah, otherwise it'd be called a vacuum conditioner.

>A space suit surrounded by a vacuum cannot transfer heat from 
>the inside of the suit to any other place.

Tom: Unless it radiates infra- oh, I give up.

>The vacuum, remember, is a perfect insulator. A man would roast 
>in his suit in such a circumstance. 

Mike: Unless the suit was white to reflect as much solar radiation as possible and was lined 
with insulating materials to slow its absorption.
Tom: Gee, I guess NASA never thought of that.

>NASA claims the spacesuits were cooled by a

Crow: Big tub of Haagen-Dazs stuffed in the astronauts' shorts.

>water system which was piped around the body, then through a 
>system of coils sheltered from the sun in the backpack. NASA 
>claims that water was sprayed on the coils causing a coating of ice 
>to form.

Tom [sarcastic]: Oh, NASA *claims* it. Then it *must* be true.

>The ice then supposedly absorbed the tremendous heat collected 
>in the water and evaporated into space. There are two problems 
>with this that cannot be explained away.

Mike: Why kooks are allowed access to the Internet, and how come NASA let its name be 
attached to 'Armageddon'.

>1) The amount of water needed to be carried by the astronauts in 
>order to make this work for even a very small length of time in 
>the direct 55 degrees over the boiling point of water (210 
>degrees F at sea level on Earth) heat of the sun could not have 
>possibly been carried by the astronauts. 2) NASA has since 
>claimed that they found ice in moon craters. NASA claims that ice 
>sheltered from the direct rays of the sun will NOT evaporate 
>destroying their own bogus "air conditioning" explanation. 

Tom: But that ice wasn't being heated by the water in the suit's cooling system, so it 
wouldn't evaporate anyway!
Crow: I thought you'd given up?

>Remember this.

Mike: A kiss is just a kiss.

>Think about it the next time you go off in the morning with a 
>"vacuum bottle" filled with hot coffee. Think about it long and 
>hard when you sit down and pour a piping hot cup from your 
>thermos to drink with your lunch four hours later... and then 
>think about it again when you pour the last still very warm cup 
>of coffee at the end of the day. 

Crow: Great, that's just ruined any chance I have of ever enjoying another cup of coffee.

>The same laws of physics apply to any vehicle traveling through 
>space. NASA claims that the spacecraft was slowly rotated 
>causing the shadowed side to be cooled by the intense cold of 
>space... an intense cold that DOES NOT EXIST.

All [Cooper]: IT'S ALL A MASONIC CONSPIRACY!
Crow: How long do you reckon we can keep trotting that one out?
Mike: Until Cooper shuts his mouth?
Tom: Years, huh?

>In fact the only thing that could have been accomplished by a 
>rotation of the spacecraft is a more even and constant heating 
>such as that obtained by rotating a hot dog on a spit.

Crow: Mmm... hot dogs...

>In reality a dish called Astronaut a la Apollo would have been 
>served. At the very least you would not want to open the hatch 
>upon the crafts return. 

Tom: Well, duh. Three guys crammed into a little metal box for several days with no way 
to wash their underwear?

>NASA knows better than to claim, in addition, that a water 
>cooling apparatus such as that which they claim cooled the 
>astronauts suits cooled the spacecraft.

Mike: So why *did* they claim it?
Crow: NASA, where geniuses are idiots!

>No rocket could ever have been launched with the amount of 
>water needed to work such a system for even a very short period 
>of time.

Tom: Hmm, now what's the by-product of a hydrogen/oxygen fuel cell again? Some kind 
of liquid...

>Fresh water weighs a little over 62 lbs. per cubic foot. Space and 
>weight capacity were critical given the lift capability of the 
>rockets used in the Apollo Space Program.

Mike: But if the Apollo program was a fake, why didn't NASA just lie about the lift 
capacity?

>No such extra water was carried by any mission whatsoever for 
>suits or for cooling the spacecraft. 

>On the tapes the Astronauts complained bitterly of the cold 
>during their journey and while on the surface of the moon.

Crow: Sounds like they had a crew of grandparents.

>They spoke of using heaters that did not give off enough heat to 
>overcome the intense cold of space. It was imperative that NASA 
>use this ruse because to tell the truth would TELL THE TRUTH.

All: Don't shout!

>It is also proof of the arrogance and contempt in which the 
>Illuminati holds the common man. 

Mike: If only there had been a few more intelligent high school students with basic physics 
books around to expose them!

>What we heard is in reality indicative of an over zealous cooling 
>system in the props used during the filming of the missions at the 
>Atomic Energy Commissions Nevada desert test site, where it is 
>common to see temperatures well over 100 degrees.

Mike: So much for the faked missions being carefully rehearsed.

>In the glaring unfiltered direct heat of the sun the Astronauts 
>could never have been cold at any time whatsoever in the perfect 
>insulating vacuum of space. 

Crow: Man, if I hear that phrase again I'm gonna do some vacuuming of my own.

>NASA claims that the space suits worn by the astronauts were 
>pressurized at 5 psi

Tom: I'm feeling a little psi myself.
Mike: P-S-I, pronounced like 'sigh'.
Crow: Hey, the Bob Shaw riff! You know, we don't do nearly enough of those.

>over the ambient pressure (0 psi vacuum) on the moon's surface. 
>We have examined the gloves NASA claims the astronauts wore 
>and find they are made of pliable material containing no 
>mechanical, hydraulic, or electrical devices which would aid the 
>astronauts in the dexterous use of their fingers and hands while 
>wearing the gloves. Experiments

Mike: Carried out by imbeciles.

>prove absolutely that such gloves are impossible to use and that 
>the wearer cannot bend the wrist or fingers to do any dexterous 
>work whatsoever when filled with 5 psi over ambient pressure 
>either in a vacuum or in the earth's atmosphere.

Crow: Did they put Cooper in a vacuum chamber?
Tom: I'd pay good money to see that.

>NASA actually showed film and television footage of astronauts 
>using their hands and fingers normally during their EVAs

Tom: I didn't realise Rei Ayanami was the first person on the moon!

>on the so-called lunar surface. The films show clearly that there 
>is no pressure whatsoever within the gloves...

Crow: What, they had a vacuum *inside* their suits?

>a condition that would have caused explosive decompression of 
>the astronauts resulting in almost immediate death if they had 
>really been surrounded by the vacuum of space.

Mike: I get the impression that Cooper's seen 'Outland' a couple of times too many.

>If you don't believe it try it yourself... it is a very simple 
>experiment

Tom: Explosive decompression - do it at home for fun and profit!

>and does not require a rocket scientist to perform.

Crow: That's a good job, since there aren't going to be any rocket scientists believing this 
crap.

>These are just two of over a hundred very simple and very easy 
>to prove valid scientific reasons why NASA and the Apollo Space 
>Program are two of the biggest lies ever foisted upon the 
>unsuspecting and trusting People of the world.

Mike: Please spare us from the other 98, Cooper.

>In addition most, if not all, of the photos, films, and videotape of 
>the Apollo Moon Missions are easily proven to be fake. Anyone 
>with the slightest knowledge of photography, lighting, and 
>physics can easily prove that NASA faked the visual records of 
>the Apollo Space Program.

Tom: If it's that easy, why aren't people doing it?

>Some are so obviously fake that when the discrepancies are 
>pointed out to unsuspecting viewers an audible gasp has been 
>heard.

Crow: Some conspiracy theories are so obviously moronic that when the discrepancies are 
pointed out to unsuspecting readers an audible yawn has been heard.

>Some have actually gone into a mild state of shock. Some People 
>break down and cry. I have seen others become so angry that 
>they have ripped the offending photos to shreds while screaming 
>incoherently. 

Mike: Or maybe they just read this post.

>C. Fred Kleinknect,

Crow: Bless you!

>head of NASA at the time of the Apollo Space Program, is now the 
>Sovereign Grand Commander of the Council of the 33rd Degree of 
>the Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite of Freemasonry of the 
>Southern Jurisdiction.

Tom: They must have a hell of a job putting that on their baseball caps.

>It was his reward for pulling it off. All of the first astronauts 
>were Freemasons. There is a photograph in the House of the 
>Temple in Washington DC of Neil Armstrong on the moons surface 
>(supposedly) in his spacesuit holding his Masonic Apron in front 
>of his groin.

Tom: Which you've seen... how?
Crow: That better be one of those magicians' ball-on-a-wire tricks lifting up that apron, 
Armstrong!

>The effect upon the people of the world was, that if we could go 
>to the moon other creatures from other worlds could travel to our 
>Earth. The escalation of the artificial alien threat scenario since 
>that time is obvious. 

Crow: So the Masons are creating an artificial threat about aliens that don't exist which 
most people don't believe in anyway?

>The recent revelations of the fraudulent nature of NASA and the 
>Apollo space program by the Intelligence Service

Mike: The CIA busted NASA?

>and others has resulted in a flood of propaganda, television 
>programs, and films designed to keep the sheople

Crow: Sorry, the *what*?
Mike: He means 'sheeple'. You know, a combination of sheep and people.
Tom: Only they can't be used to make sweaters.

>trapped in a deep ignorant sleep.

Crow: Ah, UPN.

>The most ambitious are "Apollo 13" and "From the Earth to the 
>Moon", both involving the actor/producer Tom Hanks. The latter 
>opens with a monologue by

Tom: Jay Leno.

>Mr. Hanks who walks forward revealing a huge representation of 
>the "God" Apollo (Sun, Osiris, lost word, etc.) guiding his chariot 
>pulled by 4 horses through the heavens. 

Crow: Wonder if Tom Hanks had to grip the lion's paw?
Tom: Just so long as he didn't have to grip paw's loin.

>End Excerpt from William Cooper's Recent Conspiracy Overview

Mike: Okay, so the Masons faked the moon landings. Er... why?

>[Watcher Website wants you folks to keep in mind that

Tom: We're full of crap.

>Apollo is "Lucifer", and has also been linked to the planet Mars.

Mike: Well, 'linked' in the sense that they're all part of long-dead belief systems.
Crow: Rewrite ancient mythology for fun and proft!

>Other significant links, remember, are that the international flag 
>of the Scottish Rite of Freemasonry is the United Nations Flag 
>(according to their own site, as Bill Cooper points out), and that 
>the United Nations Flag depicts the nations of the world encircled 
>by the laurel of Apollo! This is all leading towards the coming of 
>Antichrist.]

Tom: Buh... whuh... where the hell did THAT come from?
Mike: Tom Hanks IS the Antichrist. News at eleven.

>Watcher re-posts conspiracy musings, gleaned from various 
>internet, BB, and usenet sources,

Tom: Ooh, three totally reliable sources!

>for entertainment and educational purposes...

Crow: Well, almost entirely the former.

>but not for profit.

Tom: *Very* little danger of that.

>return to:

Mike: Oz.

>Watcher's updates and conspiracy files
>Watcher's Web Of Conspiracy 
>Watcher Webpages

Tom: If there's really a global conspiracy to control the world, how come they allowed 
people who might expose it access to the Internet?

>Christians will have to endure persecution and imprisonment...

Crow: They're not the only ones, buddy!

>Tribulation events and the Rapture

>Where do aliens and UFOs fit in to all this?

All: They don't!

>UFOs, Aliens & Antichrist: The Angelic Conspiracy & End Times 
>Deception 

>Watcher Website is currently seeking donations to upgrade our 
>computers,

Mike: Quick! Send no money now!

>and to purchase the domain name "watcher.org".

Crow: Just so long as they don't also buy "watcher.asm"

>If you wish to support this undertaking,

Tom: The only undertaking *I'd* like to support is the kind with 
>wooden boxes!

>and you'd like to contribute to our website, please send 
>donations, info, comments to: 
>watcher P.O. Box 6002, Helena, Montana 59604

Crow: Montana. *There's* a surprise.

>watcher@mt.net

Mike: Moronic Twits dot Net?
Tom: Well, at least it's over.
Crow: No, I think there's another one right behind it.

> TV/TOYS CONDITIONING OUR CHILDREN

>(Radio Show Transcript Follows)

Tom: Just so long as it's not Chris Moyles or Howard Stern.

>The New World Order is coming

Mike: I don't want to hear *any* wrestling riffs, guys.
Bots: Awww!

>Are you ready?

Mike: To rock?
Crow: Hello, Cleveland!

>Stand by for insights so startling you will never look at the news 
>the same way again.

Tom: These insights will permanently tilt your head at a 30 degree angle!

>FOR THE NEXT 30 MINUTES, YOU WILL BE ON

Mike: The Outer Limits.
Crow: Magic mushrooms!

>THE CUTTING EDGE

>This is David Bay, Director

Tom: Michael Bay's brother.
Crow: Good, maybe he'll edit this post down to nothing.

>of Old Paths Ministries.

Tom [old man's voice]: Aaah! I tripped and broke my hip on your old path!

>And this is the Cutting Edge,

Mike: Ooh! Sharp!

>a radio program dedicated to warning and informing God's 
>people. 

Crow [booming voice]: I was misquoted!

>We are committed to the study and exposition of the inerrant, 
>inspired and authoritative Word of God. The views expressed 
>belong to us, and are not necessarily shared by this station.

Crow: Or anybody of sound mind.

>Our society is deteriorating, and Bible-believing Christians are

Tom: As responsible as anyone?

>ill-prepared to face that deterioration. This radio program is 
>dedicated to preparing God's people to meet the challenges of the 
>Day, and to encourage obedience to the Word

Crow [funky]: Word!

>of God in being separated from worldliness and false doctrine.

>The moral bankruptcy of our society is well-documented. 

>Few people understand why we have become morally bankrupt.

Mike: Well, first you take out moral credit...

>However, when we look at society through the eyes of God, 
>through the Bible, we can easily see why we are facing the 
>unprecedented troubles today. This study of America

Crow: Doesn't the rest of the world count?

>through the eyes of God is what we will always do try to here; 
>stay with us for some eye-opening truths.

>In our seminar, we show clearly that the planners for the New 
>World Order have intentionally targeted our precious

Mike: Bodily fluids.
Tom: Yessss, my preciousssss...

>children with the boldly-stated goal of changing their value 
>systems.

Crow: They might become open-minded and capable of making their own decisions. The 
horror!

>After all, the children of today become the parents, teachers, and 
>leaders of the nation tomorrow. If their young minds can be 
>captured for Satan today, the nation will belong to him tomorrow.

Tom: Al Gore is Satan?

>This frightening possibility brings to mind Jesus' stern warning 
>that anyone who causes a little child to lose their faith in Him 
>would suffer eternal punishment. (Luke 17:2).

Tom: Meaning people who promote the will of Satan end up suffering eternal torment by, 
uh, Satan?
Mike: Well, Satan's not a nice guy.

>In the seminar, we show that this conditioning is now occurring 
>in many areas of our society, so that no one can be fully insulated 
>against it.

Mike [Cooper]: The vacuum of space is the perfect insulator!

>However, on today's program, we will look at the area of 
>children's toys and TV advertising to see how our children are 
>currently being programmed to accept the values of the New 
>World Order.

Crow: Get your New World Order playset now! Contains 33rd Degree Mason and Black 
Helicopter with working rotors!

>The retail Toy business is, indeed, big business, totaling over $5 
>billion in 1991. The Toy Industry as we know it today began in 
>the early 1930's, during the depths of the Great Depression.

Tom: I'm heading for a great depression myself right now.

>Manufacturers realized that parents simply did not want to deny 
>their children Christmas gifts, even in times that were very, very 
>difficult. Parents would save all year long for the Christmas gifts 
>for their children. 

>Since Toys occupies such an important position in the lives of 
>Americans,

Crow: Come on, it wasn't *that* good a movie.

>it is logical that the planners of the New World Order would 
>target this area as a means by which their values could be 
>imparted to the fertile, active minds of children. 

>Let us begin our discussion by examining what really happens 
>when a child plays with a toy, any toy.

Tom: Pick a toy, any toy.

>In their minds, children become one with the toy, interacting 
>with it and assuming the properties of it. If the toy is a figure, the 
>child imagines that he possesses all the powers and abilities of 
>the figure.

Mike: Being made of plastic with limbs that don't work?
Tom: Works for me.

>If the toy is a Western gun set, the child imagines himself as 
>being a cowboy or gunfighter. If the toy is a spaceship, the child 
>imagines he is the captain of the ship, and assumes all the 
>characteristics of the captain.

Mike: For Star Trek toys, that means either going bald or sounding like Primat Conehead.

>Whatever the toy, the child interacts with it and with its 
>characteristics. This understanding is critical because there is no 
>more effective way to teach a child than by having him or her 
>interact with an object, or by role-playing the scene.

Crow: So why not just come up with a toy range featuring Jesus?

>In today's American culture, how does a child know what 
>characteristics a particular figure or toy is supposed to possess?

Mike: By using their imagination?

>In most instances, comics and TV shows vividly display the 
>characteristics, powers, and abilities which a character is 
>supposed to possess. None of this is evil in and by itself; the evil 
>only comes in when and if the powers and abilities of the 
>character in the comic books and/or on TV are evil.

Tom [Richard Burton]: Eeeee-viiiiiiilllll!

>Let us examine this phenomenon more closely by first examining 
>some statistics about TV and movies. This information comes 
>from Christian author, Phil Phillips',

Mike: Phillip Phillips?
Crow: My family's name being Pirrip...
Tom: Major Major Major Major.

>Horror and Violence: The Deadly Duo In The Media,

Crow: I thought that was Penn and Teller.

>and from Phillip's first book, Turmoil In The Toy Box. As you 
>consider these statistics, please carefully consider how your own 
>precious children are being impacted.

Mike: Like my wisdom teeth.

>1.Children are watching violence at a rate like NO OTHER 
>GENERATION IN HISTORY.

Mike: Except for the ones that grew up during wars.

>2.Violence has increased 720% since 1982.

Crow: Generic violence, 40% cheaper than name-brand violence!
Tom: Can be used to prove any bone-headed crackpot theory you choose!
Mike: I thought violent crime had halved over the past ten years.
Tom [Phillips]: Uh, violence has increased 360% since 1982!

>3.Film can "create" violence far more severe than is found in 
>reality. For example, how many of you have actually ever 
>witnessed a murder? Yet, all of us, and all of our children have

Tom: Been exposed to unnecessary commas.

>witnessed many murders on TV and movies, murders that can be 
>shown in vivid detail and color, and even in slow motion.

Crow: Ooh, that John Woo is gonna burn.

>4.Constant exposure to violence creates an insensitivity to 
>violence in reality. Human beings simply cannot watch violence 
>repeatedly and not be affected, no matter what the conventional 
>wisdom of the world says to the contrary.

Mike: So how come film censors never go out on killing sprees?
Tom: Or Don King?

>Of course, the Apostle Paul, writing through the influence of the 
>Holy Spirit,

Crow: Thunderbird!

>warned us of this 1,900 years ago: "Whatever is 
>true..right...pure...lovely...admirable -- if anything is excellent

Tom: Excellent, dude!
[Mike does the 'Bill & Ted' guitar riff.]

>or praiseworthy -- think about such things." (Philippians 4:8 
>NIV). This phrase, "think about such things" literally means "fix 
>your minds on them".

Mike: Er, no it doesn't.

>But, American children are not fixing their minds on these type 
>things; rather, they are filling their minds with violence, murder, 
>and the occult. This situation is becoming so serious because "NO 
>OTHER GENERATION IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND SINCE 
>CREATION

Tom: My ears!

>has gained a major portion of their 'socialization' from a machine". 
>Of course, the machine of which Phil Phillips is speaking is

Mike: The vending machine down the hall.

>TV and movies. Phillips continues: 

>"The cultural values that (TV/Movies) are teaching: Nothing is 
>off-limits:

Crow: Not even excessive use of colons!

>sex outside marriage,

Mike: Which no fundamentalist preacher has *ever* practiced.

>euthanasia,

Crow: So it's okay for governments to kill somebody if they *don't* want to die, but not 
for individuals to kill somebody if they *do*?
Tom: Mike, humans confuse me. And, I have to admit, scare me a little.
Mike: You're not alone, buddy.

>homosexuality, abortion, drugs, child abuse,

Tom: So all those movies of the week attacking child abuse are really promoting it?

>alcohol consumption, rape, murder, and now cannibalism."

Crow: Yeah! Did you see that episode of Friends where Joey killed Ross and ate him?

>I want to add one other set of values which TV is teaching our 
>children -- occultism, Satanic occultism.

Tom [Connery]: The name'sh Occultishm. Shatanic Occultishm.

>Our children are watching occultic meditations, seances, and 
>rituals that would normally be observed only by a member of an 
>occultic coven.

>This is a very serious indictment. What are some of the effects of 
>such long-term and continuous exposure to this type of mental 
>bombardment?

Crow: You might start listening to fundamentalist radio shows.

>Phillips concludes:

>5. "The U.S. is the THE MOST violent" Western nation.

Crow: It's also the one with the most guns, but I'm sure those facts are entirely 
unconnected.

>We do not need to be persuaded of the truth of this statement. 
>All we have to do is recall the content of our daily newspapers, 
>magazines, and TV News programming. We are literally seeing 
>people acting out in their lives the values and the actions which 
>they have been seeing on TV and movies for years.

Mike: Like driving around fighting crime in a talking Trans-Am.

>Robbery, extortion, murder, kidnapping, adultery of all types,

Tom: How many types are there?

>and in the last decade, perversions of all types, are the standard 
>in today's TV and movies.

Mike: So the Marquis de Sade had a TV in his bedroom?
Crow: We're definitely not watching the right shows.

>People today are just acting out these values and situations, and 
>we are appalled. But, we should not be surprised, because 
>psychologists now know that human beings tend to move toward 
>that which they picture repeatedly in their minds. 

Mike: Because all human beings are stupid. Apart from right-wing fundamentalists, of 
course.
Crow: I'm picturing Kim Cattrall in my mind right now.

>But, the worst is still ahead of us, because repeated viewing of 
>violent and perverted behavior is actually causing mental 
>perversion in the minds of the viewers. Phil Phillips continues his 
>report.

Tom: Phil Phillips must now be the biggest pervert in America.

>"Both children and adults have difficulty distinguishing between 
>reality and illusion after continued, long-term exposure to TV and 
>movies."

Tom: Is that true, Mike?
Mike: Yeah, I can never tell whether I'm actually doing something for real or just sitting in 
a chair watching pictures in a box.

>This means that people who continuously view the standard diet 
>offered on TV and movies are slowly losing their ability to 
>distinguish between reality and fantasy.

Crow: 'Touched By An Angel' *is* real! I know it is!

>I believe this is one of the many reasons we are seeing so many 
>violent and graphic "copycat" crimes of today. What is a copycat 
>crime?

Mike: That movie with Sigourney Weaver and Holly Hunter.

>It is a crime which is patterned after one already committed and 
>vividly reported in the media or a crime which is patterned after 
>a portrayal in movies or on TV. 

>Now that we have discussed the effects of continued viewing of 
>TV and movies, let us return to our subject of Toys.

Tom: Not Barry Levinson's finest hour.

>We felt it important to lay this philosophical ground work of the 
>effects of TV because most of the toys in today's market are 
>advertised heavily on TV. In fact, many of today's toys were 
>developed simultaneously with the toy itself,

Crow: Duh! That's pretty much a given, isn't it?

>with the ultimate goal of using the TV show as the mass market 
>means by which the maximum number of toys could be sold. 
>Thirty-minute cartoon shows are literally 30-minute toy 
>advertisements;

Mike: Well, 22 minutes if you don't count the *actual* commercials.

>however, since these advertisements are packaged as children's 
>entertainment instead of advertisements, they are not bound by 
>the complex rules of children's advertising. The results have been 
>devastating, as children have been bombarded with the most 
>anti-Christian, deviant, and occultic shows in our history.

Tom: It's 'Barney's Satanistic S&M Hour'!

>All this programming advances the aims of the New World Order, 
>a society which will be Satanic from its core, and, whose plans, if 
>carried out, will fulfill Biblical prophecies about the Anti-Christ 
>and his worldwide society. 

>Let us examine now some of the toys which advance the kingdom 
>of Anti-Christ because it teaches its values to our children.

>* SMURFS

All: [crack up laughing]

>Most of us think of the Smurfs as cute, harmless little blue and 
>white aliens.

Crow: The Smurfs are *aliens*?
Mike: New, from Erich Von Daniken: 'Was God A Smurf?'

>However, the story line is full of occultism. Papa Smurf is cast in 
>the role of a "White" Witchdoctor who is protecting his people by 
>incantations and rituals and potions. Gargamel is cast in the role 
>of the "Black" or evil witchdoctor who is always trying to cast 
>some evil spell over the poor, helpless Smurfs so he can control 
>them forever. In one cartoon screen several years ago, Gargamel 
>is shown creating a Devil's Pentagram from lighted candles on the 
>dirt floor of his house.

All [sing]: La la la la la la la la Sa-tan, la la la la la la la la Sa-tan...

>Gargamel moved inside the Pentagram and carried out a ritual 
>designed to defeat Papa Smurf and the little Smurfs.

Tom: But failed. Boy, does Satan suck. If he were halfway competent he'd have the world 
in his hands by now.
Mike: So the show promotes Satanism by, uh... defeating Satanism?

>Your children have probably watched this most Satanic cartoon.

Tom: At least it proves that there's *something* interesting about Belgium!

>* MY LITTLE PONY 

Mike: Now supplied with my little shovel and my little glue factory.

>Everyone loves horses,

Crow: Except maybe Christopher Reeve.
[Mike whacks Crow hard around the head.]

>but these are not your everyday horses.

Tom [David Byrne]: This is not my everyday horse!

>These horses can levitate, or fly through the air.

Mike: Duh, thanks for telling me what it meant.

>Most people do not realize when they see someone or something 
>flying through the air that this phenomenon is pure Satanism.

Crow: That explains a lot about Northwest!

>Further, many of these horses are Unicorns. In fact, this TV 
>cartoon so popularized Unicorns that we see them today in 
>jewelry, clothing, paintings, and figurines. Many Christian families 
>even own Unicorn representations in their homes. Do you realize 
>the Unicorn has been occultic for thousands of years, and is 
>represented in current New Age literature as being 
>representative of the violent way in which the New World Order 
>will be finally brought into existence? Occultic folklore has 
>traditionally pictured the Unicorn as the destroyer of the old 
>system, a necessary prerequisite for the New System to be 
>established.

Tom: So *that's* what the Director's Cut of 'Blade Runner' was all about!

>Did you know God utilized a Unicorn-type animal in His prophecy 
>in Daniel 8:4-5, in depicting the final days' Anti-Christ?

Mike [monotone]: I was not aware of that. Please tell me more.

>Do not be deceived: the Unicorn is not the sweet, gentle, and 
>loving animal which is portrayed. Your children are being 
>manipulated into believing a lie, and setting them up to accept 
>the Anti-Christ when he arises.

>* MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE

Crow: The Mike Ovitz story.

>This program was the most blatantly occultic program in history; 
>yet, most parents had no idea of the meaning of the various 
>activities and implements. He-Man led the forces of the "White", 
>or Good Forces; Skeletor led the forces of the "Black", or evil 
>Forces.

Tom: I think it's more politically incorrect than actually occultic.

>He-Man and Skeletor were constantly battling over control of a 
>demon-possessed castle called Castle Greyskull.

Mike: So, the message that Good can triumph over Evil is actually evil itself?
Tom [Shatner]: Everything Harry Mudd tells you is a lie!
Crow [Mudd]: Now listen carefully... I am lying!

>When He-Man or Skeletor stood resolutely with feet far apart and 
>sword lifted upward grasped with both hands,

Tom: They overbalanced and fell flat on their ass.

>a beam of power, represented as a broad stream of light, would 
>burst out of the Heavens. This light would travel to the tip of the 
>sword, flow down the length of the blade, through the handle, 
>and into the body of the warrior, giving him the power to 
>accomplish his mission.

>This scenario is classic Satanism.

Crow: Skeletor featuring in many Satanic rituals.

>Yet, it was repeated countless times for our children's young 
>minds to absorb. There are many, many more instances of 
>occultism being graphically portrayed in the story lines of 
>Masters of the Universe,

Mike: J Michael Straczynski - tool of the Devil!

>but time does not allow us to fully develop this line of inquiry.

Crow: Thank heaven for small mercies.

>These three toy licenses clearly show the disguised Satanism to 
>which children are being exposed, but all these licenses are no 
>longer being aired. For the balance of this program,

Mike: And so as not to ruin our perfectly good theory.

>we will examine current licenses so we can see the occultism 
>programmed into them. However, the emphasis has slightly 
>changed; many licenses now are not so blatantly Satanistic, but 
>are rather subtlety implanting the values of the New World Order 
>into our children.

Crow: Yeah, that's about as balanced as a Klan meeting.

>Most of our current information will come from a Toy Industry 
>Magazine entitled, The Toy Book, Spring, 1992. Since the 
>International Toy Fair is held every year in February, this edition 
>always previews the new toy licenses and/or the toys which will 
>be receiving the emphasis of TV advertising.

>* CAPTAIN PLANET 

>This modern world hero is not really of this world; he is an alien 
>whose mission is to prevent environmental pollution from 
>occurring on earth. And who enlisted Captain Planet to intervene 
>on the earth?

Mike: Uh... is this multiple choice?
Crow: Ghostbusters?

>Mother Gaia, the Earth Goddess whose life was being threatened 
>by Industrial Pollution. Mother Gaia is the ancient Earth Mother 
>whom occultists have worshipped for centuries. You see, 
>occultists believe that our planet is a living, breathing entity,

Tom: Instead of an inert garbage dump for us to exploit at our leisure.

>a goddess whom they named Gaia centuries ago.

Crow: Wow, Issac Asimov an occultist? Say it ain't so!

>Therefore, our children have again been exposed to classic 
>occultism.

Mike: This is in the catalogue of the International Toy Fair?

>Captain Planet immediately enlisted five earth children to alert 
>him whenever an act of pollution is about to occur.

Tom: Strangely, most of their alerts take place around vegetarian restaurants.
Crow: Prumph!

>The children each have a very special ring, with which they can 
>signal Captain Planet and communicate to him the necessary 
>details about the impending pollution. Then, Captain Planet acts 
>as Superman, levitating through the air to stop the act of 
>pollution before it can occur.

Crow: So Superman's a Satanist? I mean, he can fly and all.

>When the children use the rings to signal Captain Planet, the 
>cartoon shows a beam of light shining from the ring on their 
>fingers. The cartoon representation is classic Satanism, with 
>power emanating from the hand or fingers of the adept.

Crow: And there goes the Green Lantern too!

>Further, Captain Planet is teaching children that this world's 
>economic system is so polluting the earth that, if drastic action is 
>not taken on an international scale to solve the problem, Mother 
>Earth will soon be uninhabitable. Let us state at this point, that 
>the planners of the New World Order are

Mike: Californians?

>either creating or exaggerating worldwide problems so that 
>people will accept an international solution provided by an 
>international government. We see this occurring in the following 
>areas:

>Worldwide Industrial Pollution  Ozone depletion  Acid rain  
>Destruction of Rain Forests  Endangered Species

Crow: Another fun day out at the Earth First fairground!

>We are not saying that these concerns do not contain an element 
>of truth; what we are saying is that these concerns are being 
>exaggerated to the point of outright lying so that people will 
>accept a One-World

Tom [sings]: One dream!
All [sing]: ONE VISION!

>Totalitarian Government as the solution.

Tom: So dump your toxic waste for Jesus and America!

>We finally need to look at which organization has created the 
>Captain Planet license and which is funding it: Ted Turner's Home 
>Entertainment. Ted Turner is one of the most rabid New World 
>Order promoters. He is the one who proposed changing God's Ten 
>Commandments into man's Ten Suggestions.

Mike: He's also responsible for canning Crusade!

>Turner has also exhibited tremendous antagonism toward 
>Fundamental Christianity.

Tom: So naturally he set up shop in Atlanta.

>Turner's CNN has become one of the premier channels by which 
>the agenda of the New World Order is being promoted.

Crow [James Earl Jones]: This... is SNN. Satan's News Network!

>And Turner wants the minds, hearts, and affections of your 
>children.

Mike: So basically, if you're in the media and you're not a fundamentalist, you're 
automatically a Satanist, an Illuminati *and* an agent of the New World Order?
Crow: Hmm... you know, there's still hope in this post for some gratuitous Bill Gates and 
Rupert Murdoch bashing!

>Let us continue our examination of New World Order Toys.

Tom: Oh, let's not, please.

>* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Crow: Heroes in a half-shell!
All: TURTLE POWER!
Mike: Wow, that was weird.
Tom: Oh no! We *have* been brainwashed by the New World Order!

>These alien

Crow: Two words in, and their facts are already wrong.

>creatures are also fighting Industrial

Tom [announcer voice]: Industry!

>pollution, because they were changed into the mutants they are 
>because of chemicals which were dumped into a river. In fighting 
>industrial pollution, these Ninja Turtles employ the occultic art of 
>Ninja in a most violent manner.

Crow: It always cracked me up when the Turtles decapitated Shredder and arranged his 
spilled intestines into a pentangle.

>Thus, our children are being triply impacted:

Mike: Van Damme, Van Damme and Van Damme: Triple Impact!

>they are being led to believe the lie of massive Industrial 
>Pollution;

Tom: Industry - leaves only the fresh scent of pine!

>they are being exposed to the principles of the occultic art of 
>Ninja;

Mike [Phillips]: No, wait, I got the words 'martial' and 'occultic' mixed up again.

>and they are being exposed to constant violence, which hardens 
>their minds, teaching them that violence is an acceptable solution 
>to a problem.

Tom: This from the same people who are happy to support the death penalty and bombing 
foreign countries on any flimsy pretext.

>* Walt Disney's 101 Dalmatians

Mike: Actually Dodie Smith's 101 Dalmations.

>seems to be just an innocent, fun-loving group of puppies, but 
>look again, this time more closely. The 101 Dalmatians story line 
>contains a very cruel Black Witch, Cruella DeVil, whose name 
>literally means Cruel Devil.

Tom: No duh!

>She attempts classic witchcraft in her attempt to bring these 
>puppies under her control.

Crow: Maybe I'm missing something, but wasn't Cruella kinda the *villain*?

>At this point, we need to point out that no one has done more 
>since World War II to promote Witchcraft and Magic in our 
>children's minds than Walt Disney.

Mike: What, not even Satan himself?
Crow: What about David Copperfield?

>Cute characters, one after another, have been shown doing 
>occultic, magical things to and for one another. Story line after 
>story line have featured White and Black Magicians, concocting 
>potions and creating spells, levitating objects, people and animals 
>through the air. And it is made to appear so fun and innocent.

>* The long-running and perennial favorite characters, Hanna-
>Barberra,

Tom: I thought they just *made* the cartoons, not starred in them.

>have been purchased by New World Order Ted Turner.

Mike: Must have been a pig of a job to fit that on his driver's license.

>Further, Turner Home Entertainment has created Fish Police 
>license.

Crow: Fish Police is the work of the devil?
Mike: Actually, I can see that.

>Therefore, these cartoon shows will contain all the standard lies 
>of the New World Order of which we have been talking.

>* Zen Intergalactic Ninja is coming to TV cartoons after a 
>successful introduction last year in Archie Comics. This heroic 
>character is occultic through and through. 

>Zen receives his power through the ancient occultic art of Ninja.

Tom: If it's not Christian, it's occultic, then?
Mike: Isn't this how the Spanish Inquisition started?
Crow: Nobody expects that.

>He is repeatedly shown meditating in order to maintain his 
>power. He faithfully chants OM during his meditations, and he is 
>being observed by hooded persons who reside in the heavens. 
>Zen refers to these hooded characters as the All-Powerful 
>Masters, undoubtedly the New World Order Masters of the 
>Illuminati.

Tom: Or maybe something connected with Buddhism... nah, that'd be stupid.

>These Masters inform Zen that now "the time has come for your 
>ordeal of Enlightenment."  Zen has only four fingers, which is very 
>common in occultic representations.

Tom: Maybe he was in the Yakuza.
Crow: So Mickey Mouse *is* the Devil!
Mike: I could show what I think of this post with just one finger.

>The universal Peace Sign which he flashes is occultic. Zen is 
>shown as the White Magic practitioner, and his enemy is Notan 
>the World Destroyer, the Black Magic Shaman.

Tom: Ooh, comin' on like a seventh sense!

>They are fighting over control of the world, but in particular, over 
>who will control the mystical, innocent human Starchilde. 
>Starchilde looks to be about 14 years old and it is revealed that 
>he is part human, part super-natural. His father was human, but 
>his mother was a goddess named Queen Azuta.

Crow: Isn't she Luke Skywalker's mother?

>This representation of Starchilde is simply a reversal of the 
>parents of Jesus Christ, whose father was God and mother was the 
>human Mary.  In the story line, Notan has descended from a race 
>of gods in the ancient past. Notan

Tom: Notan your nellie.

>can only live by feeding off the life-force of dying planets. He has 
>always coveted the green earth, but could not touch her because 
>she was vibrant and alive. However, Notan can now devour earth 
>because "foolhardy humans are decimating their planet... 
>befouling the very air they breathe, while destroying the 
>protective atmospheric layer that surrounds them. They burn 
>their once-abundant forests, denuding the planet of its crucial 
>greenery, while cavalierly obliterating thousands of uniquely 
>diverse species. They poison the very land itself with toxic 
>wastes...destroying their most precious natural resources..."

Mike: Sounds more like Largo.

>Notan is being aided by earth men named Lord Contraminus, 
>Garbage Man, and Smogger, whose sole mission in life is to 
>completely pollute the earth.

Crow: Despite the fact that this might slightly inconvenience them at a later date.

>This story line is one of the most blatant New World Order 
>creations ever, and it will be impacting your children 
>tremendously.

Tom: What with kids the world over buying millions of dollars' worth of Zen Intergalactic 
Ninja merchandise.

>* Dungeons and Dragons role-playing games are back stronger 
>than ever, having experienced nearly a 100% growth in 1991. As 
>we state in the seminar, "DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS (D & D) is not 
>a game...it is a teaching on demonology, witchcraft, voodoo, 
>murder, rape, blasphemy, suicide, assassination, insanity,

Mike: Can you teach someone how to be insane?

>sex perversion, homosexuality, prostitution, Satan worship, 
>gambling, Jungian psychology,

Tom: Niles Crane is going straight to hell!

>barbarism, cannibalism, sadism, desecration, demon summoning, 
>necromantics (communication with the dead), and divination."

Crow: Wow. I guess we haven't been playing it right.
Mike: That's a really long name for a seminar. By the time they've said the title they'll have 
run out of time.

>D & D literally is hands-on training for Satanism. Actual seances 
>are performed;

Tom: Didn't see *that* in the rulebook.
Mike: Must be in one of the supplements.
Crow: Damn you to hell, Gary Gygax!

>actual Satanic rituals and incantations are taught and performed.

>Demon-possession is possible for the participants.

Mike: Woah, I got demons runnin' all through me, all through me.

>If your child is participating in this role-playing Satanism, do 
>whatever you have to do to get him out of it.

>* Speaking of demon-possession, the Ouija Board

Tom [sings]: Ouija board, ouija board...

>is now being advertised on TV, and will remain on TV for the rest 
>of the year. Many people who have been Satanists have testified 
>that they began with the Ouija board. Make no mistake about the 
>fact that this board does work, the pieces do levitate,

Mike: So all Mulder needs to do to prove the existence of the paranormal is go into Toys 'R 
Us?

>because demonic power works through this game. I find it 
>incredible that Parker Brothers would decide to spend the large 
>amounts of money necessary to advertise the Ouija Board on TV 
>all year long.

Crow: Maybe it's because they're trying to sell it?

>This action is just one more sign of the times.

Tom [sings]: Time to be alone.

>We feel this development of blatantly occultic toys and games is 
>just one more indication of the approaching Satanic kingdom, the 
>New World Order.

Tom: But then we feel that New Coke is also an indication of the approaching Satanic 
kingdom.

>And make no mistake, your children are the targets, with TV 
>leading the charge. 

>You have been listening to the Cutting Edge, a radio program of 
>Old Paths Ministries.

Crow: No, we've been listening to a bunch of paranoid crapola.

>Return to The Cutting Edge Radio Show Transcript Index to select 
>additional transcripts from our radio program.

Mike: Oh yeah, that inspires me to go and fire up Netscape right now.

>Please feel free to E-mail Cutting Edge Ministries if you have any 
>questions about our outreach ministry or any of these transcripts 
>from our radio program. 

Tom: I've got a question... WHAT PLANET ARE YOU ON?

>Return to: 

All: Sender!

>Cutting Edge Home Page Index of Free Radio Show Transcripts 
>Currently In The News  Newsletters Archives Freemasonry 
>Corner Meet the Staff From A Pastor's Heart Supporting Your 
>Internet Outreach Ministry Cutting Edge Seminars On Tape 
>Cutting Edge Book Store Christian Finances Thus Saith Rome 
>Teachings From the Catechism

Mike: I guess they never figured out how to use the <META> tag.

>Christian site for those who seek information about or related to a 
>wide variety of subjects including Bible Evangelical religion Billy 
>Graham Bob Jones Christ Church James Dobson evangel

Tom: Holyfield.

>faith God Hour of Power Jack Van Impe Jesus Jimmy Swaggert 
>Kenneth Copeland Lutheran Baptist Methodist Ministry New 
>Testament Old Testament Pentecostal prophecy protestant 
>rapture religion Robert Schuller Roman Catholic spiritual The 700 
>Club Oral

Crow: Club Oral? Sounds like fun!

>Roberts Baker tribulation 

Tom: Oddly missing from that list: fraud prostitution hypocrisy intolerence scams...
Crow: Is that it? Can we go now?
Mike: No, I think there's still one more...

>OPERATION MAJORITY

>FINAL RELEASE

>THERE WILL BE NO CORRECTIONS MADE TO THIS FILE

Mike: It is now guaranteed 100% wrong!

>C - COPYRIGHT 1989 BY MILTON WILLIAM COOPER

All: [groan]

> ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Crow: Callahan!

>This file contains the absolute true information

Mike: Absolute*ly*.

>regarding the alien presence on earth and the US Govermments 
>involvement with the aliens.

Tom: The aliens that are actually an artificial threat created by the Masons?

>This file contains the information only as I saw it and only my 
>information. It does not contain information from any other 
>source.

Mike: Like a reputable one.

>It was necessary for me to issue the information previous to this 
>release in a manner which would deceive the Government until 
>someone was able to independently confirm my identity, my 
>employment, my service record, my intelligence background,

Tom: Not much danger of that!

>the identity of the person to which i gave the information to in 
>1972, his acknowledgement of the information and when it was 
>given to him, that the information is correct, that I have not seen 
>him since 1974, and that I have not communicated with him in 
>any form since 1976.

Mike: Because that was when the doctors started giving me the nice pills to get rid of the 
voices in my head.

>This was neccesary becuase this file is my death warrant if MJ-12 
>continues to operate in a manner consistent with its history.

Crow: It's sentences like that that make me wish MJ-12 actually existed.

>All the last paragraph has been independently verified by 2 
>different people who have no connection to each other. I will only 
>list one for obvious reasons.

>Tony Pelham,

Mike: 123.

>Journalist, Las Vegas Bullet (Newspaper)

Crow: Well, more of a photocopied pamphlet, but who's counting?

>300 West Boston, Las Vegas, Nevada 89102

Mike: Wack-Job Hills 89102.

>The original information that I first released was not much 
>different than what you will find here.

Tom: It too was a collection of hogwash, fantasy and bushwah.

>Only some names were different and just enough (I hoped) to 
>convince MJ-12 and MAJI that I was not a threat long enough to 
>have independent verification of the facts before I risked death. I 
>wish to make it absolutely clear that I do not consider myself a 
>hero.

Mike: Nor do we.

>I believe that most of you would do the same thing if you knew 
>the truth.

Tom: We can't handle the truth!

>I gave an oath that I would uphold the Constitution of the United 
>States of America and I take that oath very seriously. I am doing 
>no more now that I did when I fought in Vietnam. I am doing my 
>duty.

Crow: By shooting civilians and burning their homes to the ground!

>Please make copies of this  file and send it to your Congressman, 
>your Senator, the Attorney General of the United States, and to 
>the Supreme Court.

Tom: Along with your tinfoil hat and your proof of membership in the NRA.

>Send it also to everyone you know.

Mike: Yeah, I'm sure my family will appreciate getting this garbage instead of a Christmas 
card.

>Attach copies of the Bill English file and John Lears file. Send 
>anything else which tends to support the information.
>I Milton William Cooper,

Tom: Being of unsound mind...

>1311 S. Highland #205, Fullerton, California, 92632, (714) 680-
>9537,

Crow: He's scared that the government will hunt him down and kill him... and then he 
gives out his home address?

>do solemnly swear that the information contained in this file is 
>true to the best of my knowledge.

Mike [whiny]: I guarantee it.

>I swear I saw this information in 1972 in the performance of my 
>duties as a member of the Intelligence Briefing Team of the 
>Commander in Chief of the Pacific Fleet as a Petty Officer in the 
>US Navy.

Tom: All that buildup and then... he was only a petty officer?
Mike [kook voice]: TRUTH of the existence of extraterrestrials brought you direct from the 
Intelligence Briefing Team of the Commander in Chief of the Pacific Fleet by the guy who 
brought in their coffee!

>I swear

Crow: Everything on TV is dedicated to feminizing males!

>that I can and will take a lie detector test or any other test of any 
>reputable persons choosing in order to confirm this information. I 
>swear

Mike: I swear repeatedly after being subjected to too much of this crapazola!

>that I can and will undergo hypnotic regression conducted by any 
>reputable and qualified Doctor of any reputable persons choosing 
>in order to confirm this information.

Crow: Hypnotic regression, now accepted by every court in the land!

>I will not, however submit to any test or hypnosis by anyone who 
>is now or has ever been connected with the Government in any 
>capacity for obvious reasons.

Mike: I once claimed unemployment - does that rule me out?

>The following is a brief listing of everything  that I personally 
>saw and know from 1972

Tom: *Everything*?
Crow [Cooper]: Jan 1, 1972. Woke up with pounding headache in puddle of own vomit. 
Unfamiliar woman with ugly face sprawled over side of bed...

>and does not contain imput from any other source whatsoever.
>MAJESTY was listed as the code word for the President of the 
>United States for communications concerning this information.
>OPERATION MAJORITY is the name of the operation responsible 
>for every aspect, project, and consequence of alien presence on 
>earth.
>GRUDGE Contains 16 volumes of documented information 
>collected from the beginning of the United States investigation of  
>Unidentified Flying Objects (UFO's) and Identified Alien Crafts 
>(IAC).

Tom: IAC!
Mike: Identified Alien Crafts?
Tom: No, I had something caught in my throat.

>The project was funded by CIA confidential funds (non-
>appropriated) and money from the illicit drug trade. Participation 
>in the illegal drug trade was justified in that it would identify and 
>eliminate the weak elements of our society.

Mike: Like Marion Barry and half of Hollywood.

>The purpose of project GRUDGE was to collect all scientific, 
>technological, medical and intelligence information from UFO/IAC 
>sightings and contacts with alien life forms. This orderly file of 
>collected information has been used to advance the United States 
>Space Program.

Tom: I thought that didn't exist?

>MJ-12 is the name of the secret control group. President 
>Eisenhower commissioned a secret society known as THE JASON 
>SOCIETY (JASON

Crow: Takes Manhattan.

>SCHOLARS) to sift through all the facts, evidence, technology, lies 
>and deception and find the truth of the alien question. The 
>society was made up of 32 most prominent men

Mike [Indiana Jones]: Who?
Tom [military spook]: *Prominent* men.

>in the country in 1972 and the top 12 members were designated 
>MJ-12. MJ-12 has total control of everything.

Crow: Yet they still can't get ABC to put on a decent sitcom.

>They are designated by the code J-1, J-2, J-3, etc. all the way 
>through the members of the Jason Society. The director of the CIA 
>is appointed J-1

Mike: He contains a micro neutron bomb which detonates when he runs out of power.

>and is the director of MJ-12. MJ-12 is only responsible to the 
>President. MJ-12 runs most of the worlds illegal drug trade.

Tom: Yeah, during the Seventies George Bush was hanging out on street corners selling 
baggies.

>This was done to hide funding and thus keep the secret from 
>Congress and the people of the United States. It was justified in 
>that it would identify and eliminate the weak elements of our 
>society.

Crow: Well, they sure did a kick-ass job, society is now totally strong. Thanks guys.

>The cost of funding the alien connected projects is higher than 
>anything you can imagine.

Mike [Harrison Ford]: I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit.

>MJ-12 assasinated President Kennedy when he informed them 
>that he was going to tell the public all the facts of the alien 
>presence. He was killed by the Secret Service agent driving his 
>car and it is plainly visible in the film held from public view.

Crow [Costner]: Back and to the left. Back... and to the LEFT.
Mike: Wouldn't Jackie have kind of noticed that?
Tom: Ever noticed how in conspiracies, the bad guys never destroy the one piece of vital 
evidence that proves the truth, but just leave it around for any kook to look at?

>A secret meeting place was built for MJ-12 in MARYLAND and it 
>was described as only accessible by air.

Mike: Constructed by the incredible flying bulldozers!

>It contains full living, recreational, and other facilities for MJ-12 
>and the JASON SOCIETY.

Tom: Who'd have thought that Jason Alexander's fan club would have so much power?

>It is code named "THE COUNTRY CLUB". Only those with TOP 
>SECRET/MAJIC clearance are allowed to go there.
>MAJI is the MAJORITY AGENCY FOR JOINT INTELLIGENCE.

Mike: Actually, that's MAFJI.

>All information, disinformation,

Crow: ...datinformation and deotherinformation.

>and intelligence is gathered and evaluated by this agency. The 
>agency is responsible for all disinformation and operates in 
>conjunction with the CIA, NSA, and the Defense Intelligence 
>Agency. This is a very powerful organization and all alien projects 
>are under its control.

Tom: Ah! Now we know who to blame for 'Alien Resurrection'!
Mike: That wasn't a bad film until the giant albino puppy showed up at the end.
[The bots look at him strangely.]

>MAJI is only responsible to MJ-12.
>SIGMA

Crow: 957?

>is the project which first established communications with the 
>aliens and is still responsible for communications.
>PLATO is the project responsible for Diplomatic relations

Mike [South African]: Diplometic immunitay!

>with the aliens. This project secured a formal treaty (illegal under 
>the Constitution) with the aliens. The terms were that the aliens 
>would give us technology. In return we agreed to

Tom: Refrain from broadcasting any further Tim Allen sitcoms into space.

>keep their presence on earth a secret, not to interfere in any way 
>thier actions, and to allow them to abduct humans and animals. 
>The aliens agreed to furnish MJ-12 with a list of abductees on a 
>periodic basis.

Mike: Along with a list of all Midwest trailer parks.

>MAJIC is a security classification and clearance of all alien 
>connected material, projects, and information. MAJIC means MAJI 
>controlled.
>AQUARIUS is a project which compiled the history of alien 
>presence and their interaction with Homo Sapiens upon this 
>planet for the last 25,000 years

Crow: They've been experimenting with humans for 25,000 years and *still* can't get it 
right?

>and culminating with the Basque

Mike: Basques were designed by aliens? That explains why they're so hard to take off.
Crow: Something you want to tell us, Mike?
Mike: Off *other* people.
Crow: Sure, Mike.

>people who live in the mountainous country on the border of 
>France and Spain

Tom: It's true - you can't have ETA without ET!

> and the Syrians.
>GARNET

Mike: Alf Garnett?

>is the project responsible for control of all information and 
>documents regarding this subject and accountability of the 
>information and documents.
>PLUTO is a

Crow: Dog.

>project to evaluate all UFO/IAC information pertaining to space 
>technology.
>POUNCE is the project formed to recover all downed/crashed craft 
>and aliens.
>REDLIGHT

Mike [Tom Cruise]: Redlight... greenlight!

>is the project to test fly recovered alien craft. It is conducted at 
>AREA 51 (DREAMLAND) in Nevada. It was aided when the aliens 
>gave us craft and helped us fly them.

Tom: Well yeah, that *would* kind of aid the project.

>The initial project was somewhat successful in that we flew a 
>recovered craft but it blew up in the air and the pilots were 
>killed.

Mike: So the military definition of 'success' now includes 'disastrous failure'?

>The project was suspended at that time until the aliens agreed to 
>help us. SNOWBIRD was established as a cover for project 
>REDLIGHT. Several flying saucer type craft were built using 
>conventional technology. They were unveiled to the press and 
>flown in front of the press.

Tom: And then crashed in front of the press and burned in front of the press.
Mike: A total success!

>The purpose was to explain accidental sightings or disclosure of 
>REDLIGHT as having been SNOWBIRD craft.
>LUNA is the alien base on the far side of the Moon. It was seen 
>and filmed by Apollo Astronauts.

Crow: But he said in the other post that they don't exist! Mike, this guy can't even keep his 
own nutjob theories consistent!

>A base, a mining operation using very large machines, and a very 
>large alien craft described in sighting reports as MOTHER SHIPS 
>exist there.

Tom: The Father Ships are all at the local sports bar.

>NRO is the National Recon Organization based at Fort Carson, 
>Colorado. It is responsible for security for all alien or alieen craft

Mike: Eileen Kraft? Isn't she the heir to the processed cheese fortune?

>connected projects.
>DELTA is

Crow: A Stavros Fasoulas shoot-'em-up.

>the designation for the specific arm of the NRO which is especially 
>trained and tasked with security of these projects.
>JOSHUA

Tom [Gary Busey]: Call me Mr Joshua.

>is a project to develop a low frequency pulsed sound generating 
>weapon.

Mike: Kinda like a Pink Floyd gig.

>It is said that this weapon would be effective against the alien 
>craft and beam weapons.
>EXCALIBUR is a weapon to destroy the alien underground bases. 
>It is a missile capable of penetrating 1000 meters of Tufa/hard 
>packed soil such as that found in New Mexico with no operational 
>damage. Missile apogee not to exceed 30,000 feet AGL and impact 
>must not deviate in excess of 50 meters from designated target. 
>The device will carry a 1 megaton nuclear warhead.
>ALIENS, there were 4 types of aliens mentioned in the papers. A 
>LARGE NOSED GREY

Tom: Barbra Streisand, no!

>with whom we have the treaty, the GREY reported in abductee 
>cases that works for the LARGE NOSED GREY, a blond human like 
>type described as NORDIC,

Crow: Brigette Neilsen - space alien!

>a red haired human like type called ORANGE.

Mike: God, no! Not Carrot Top too!

>The home of the aliens were described as being a star in the 
>constellation of Orion, Barnards star, and Zeta Riticuli 1 and 2. I 
>cannot remeber even under hypnosis which alien belongs to 
>which star.

Tom: On the grounds that I totally made them up.

>EBE is the name or designation given to the live alien captured at 
>the 1949 Roswell crash. He died in captivity.
>KRLL OR KRLLL OR CRLL OR CRLLL

Tom: All that amazing alien technology, but they still haven't invented vowels.

>pronounced Crill or Krill was the hostage left with us at the first 
>Holloman landing as a pledge that the aliens would carry out 
>their part of the basic agreement that was reached during that 
>meeting. KRLL gave us the foundation of the yellow book

Crow: Used in the creation of the CD format.

>which was completed by the guests at a later date.

Mike [guest]: Food... lousy. Service... appalling.

>KRLL became sick and was nursed by Dr. G. Mendoza who became 
>an expert in alien biology and medicine. KRLL later died.

Crow: Some expert!

>His information was disseminated under the pseudonym O.H. Cril 
>or Crill.
>GUESTS were aliens exchanged for humans who gave us the 
>balance of the yellow book. At the time i saw the information 
>there were only 3 left alive. They were called (ALF's) Alien Life 
>Forms.

Tom [Cooper]: And they were orange, furry and had big noses. I know they exist, I saw 
them on TV!

>RELIGION The aliens claim  to have created Homo Sapiens 
>through hybridization.

Mike: Wasn't this the back-story of 'The Guyver'?

>The papers said the RH- blood was proof of this. They further 
>claim to have created all our major religions. They showed a 
>Hologram of the crucifixion of Christ which the Government 
>filmed. They claim Jesus

Crow: Saves.

>was created by them.
>ALIEN BASES exist in the four corners area of Utah, Colorado, New 
>Mexico, and Nevada. Six bases were described in the 1972 papers, 
>all on indian reservations

Mike [Cooper]: Uh, no, wait, I'm thinking of casinos. Sorry.

>and all in the four corners area. The base near Dulce was one of 
>them.
>MURDER

Mike: And Scurry.

>The documents stated that many military and government 
>personnel had been terminated (murdered without due process 
>of law)

Tom: Instead of being murdered *with* the due process of law?

>when they attempted to reveal the secret.
>CRAFT RECOVERYS The documents stated that many craft had 
>been recovered. The early ones from Roswell, Aztec, Roswell 
>again, Texas, Mexico, and other places.

Mike: All this specific information really adds credence to the theory!

>GENERAL DOOLITTLE

Crow: More like General Knownothing.

>made a prediction that one day we would have to reckon with the 
>aliens and the document stated that it appeared that General 
>Doolittle was correct.

Tom [sings]: If I could talk to the aliens...

>ABDUCTIONS were occurring long before 1972. The document 
>stated that humans and  or animals were being abducted and or 
>mutilated. Many vanished without a trace.

Crow [Paul Hardcastle]: Some succumbed to suicidal thoughts.

>They were taking sperm and ova samples, tissue,

Mike: Gesundheit.

>performed surgical operations, implanted a spherical device 40 to 
>80 microns in size near the optic nerve in the brain and all 
>attempts to remove it resulted in the death of the patient. The 
>document estimated that 1 out of every 40 people had been 
>implanted.

Crow: Gee, that's like about 200,000 people in New York alone!
Mike: No wonder you have to wait so long to get a landing slot at JFK.

>This implant was said to give the aliens total control of that 
>human.

Tom: Wow, just like in 'Spock's Brain'!

>CONTINGENCY PLAN SHOULD THE INFORMATION BECOME PUBLIC 
>OR SHOULD THE ALIENS ATTEMPT TAKEOVER. This plan called for 
>a public announcement that a terrorist group had entered the 
>United States with an Atomic weapon. It would be announced 
>that the terrorists planned to detonate the weapon in a major 
>city. Martial law

Mike: With Sammo Hung.

>would be declared and all persons with implants would be 
>rounded up

Tom: Whew, Pamela Anderson saved herself in the nick of time.

>along with all dissidents and would be placed in concentration 
>camps.

Crow: Couldn't they just save time and get the people with implants to round *themselves* 
up?

>The press, radio, and TV would be nationalized and controlled.

Mike: Rupert Murdoch finally takes over all the other networks.

> Anyone attempting to resist would be arrested or killed.
>CONTINGENCY PLAN TO CONTAIN OR DELAY RELEASE OF 
>INFORMATION This plan

Mike: Snappy title.
Tom: CPTCODROI - doesn't sound quite as cool as MJ-12.
Crow: Cupped corduroy?

>called for the use of MAJESTIC TWELVE as a disinformation ploy 
>to delay and confuse the release of information should anyone get 
>close to the truth. It was selected because of its similarity to MJ-
>12. It was designed to confuse memory and to result is a fruitless 
>search for material which did not exist.

Tom: Yeah, that works - deter people from looking for a secret agency by making up a 
different one with an almost identical name that does the same job and has the same 
powers.

>SOURCE OF THE MATERIAL CONTAINED IN THE DOCUMENTS 
>WHICH I SAW

Mike: Over an admiral's shoulder and upside down while I put sugar in his coffee.

>The source of the material was an ONI

Tom: ...on?

>counter intelligence operation against MJ-12 in order for the 
>Navy to find out the truth of what was really going on. The Navy 
>(at that time or at least the Navy that I worked for)

Crow: So how many navies does America have, anyway?
Tom: He was probably working for McHale's Navy.

>were not participants in any of this. The different services and 
>the government conduct this type of operation against each other 
>all the time. The result of this operation was that the Navy cut 
>themselves in for a piece of the action (technology) and control of 
>some projects.
>As you can see this file is only a little different from my previous 
>file.

Mike [announcer]: Now with added gibberish!

>Only some names were scrambled previously

Crow [spook]: So, who is this Wilton Milliam Poocer?

>to confuse the government long enough for someone to verify 
>that what I have said is the truth. I have added information in 
>this file that puts my life in absolute danger. I have sent a copy 
>of this file to people all over the country and will continue to do 
>so.

Tom: Until they get their spam-blocking software working.

>Please get this file into

Mike: The trash.

>as many hands as you can and maybe that will protect me but I 
>doubt it.
>HISTORY WILL BE THE JUDGE OF ME AND THIS INFORMATION 
>AND I HAVE NO FEAR OF THAT JUDGEMENT.

Tom: Aaaaarghh! Tinnitus!

>I SWEAR THAT THIS INFORMATION IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO 
>THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE.

Crow: UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this IMPORTANT 
information is ENCOURAGED.

>I wish to thank all those people who have aided me in reaching 
>this point and for their patience and understanding. I owe you all 
>more than i can ever repay.

Crow: But don't let that stop you trying, buddy.

>Finally, it does not matter who is right or who is wrong or if a 
>project name is in the wrong place. It does not matter who is 
>working for who or what is really what.

Tom [Cooper]: It does not matter if the facts are completely inaccurate, just so long as you 
acknowledge that I know more about things than you!

>It should be obvious that somthing sinister and terribly wrong is 
>going on involving the government and the UFO phenomenon. We 
>must all band together and expose it now. I have done my part in 
>the best way that I could. I can add nothing else except my 
>testimony in Congress or a court of law that what I saw and have 
>written in this file is true and that I saw it.

Mike: Hard evidence is so jejune, anyway.

>Everything in my previous file that does not conflict with this file 
>is true and correct to the best of my knowledge and some of it is 
>from sources and research.

Tom: Wow! Sources *and* research? It *must* be true!

>You may combine the files to get the entire picture. Throw out 
>only that information which

Crow: Is completely ludicrous!
Tom: So, all of it?

>conflicts with that contained in this file.
>There will be no further additions or corrections to this 
>information either now or in the future.

All: Woohoo!

>My file is complete and stands to be judged by history. Sometime 
>in the future the exact papers that I saw will surface

Crow [MJ-12 spook]: Damn lo-flow toilets never get rid of everything on the first flush!

>and you will all see this exact information contained within them.
>Milton William Cooper

>Statement Released By:
>John Lear

Mike: King Lear?
Crow: I suspect he'll be more of a 'king Lear.

>December 29, 1987
>John Lear, a captain for a major US Airline has flown over 160 
>different types of aircraft in over 50 different countries. He holds 
>17 world speed records in the Lear Jet and is the only pilot ever 
>to hold every airline certificate issued by the FAA.

Mike: He works in the typing pool.

>Mr. Lear has flown missions worldwide for the CIA and other 
>gov't

Mike: I'm guessing that's pronounced "guvmint".

>agencies. A former Nevada State Senator candidate,

Tom: The word you're looking for here is 'loser'.

>he is the son of William P. Lear, designer of the Lear Jet executive 
>airplane, the 8-track stereo, and founder of Lear Siegler 
>Corporation. Lear became interested in the subject of UFO's 13 
>months ago after talking with United States Air Force Personnel 
>who had witnessed a UFO landing at Bentwaters AFB, near 
>London, England, and three small aliens walking up to the Wing 
>Commander.'

Crow: I thought the Kilrathi were quite big?

>Now that you know have a brief biography of John Lear, and read 
>the disclaimer of ParaNet (presumably some Bitnet service not 
>unlike skeptic), I will tell you that there is attached a  Note to the 
>Press regarding Mr. Lear's knowledge of UFO's and the gov't's 
>relationship with "little gray extraterrestials."

Tom [Clinton]: I did not have a relationship with that extraterrestrial.

>I don't have time to reproduce the entire "press release,"

All: Yay!

>but I will reproduce what I can when I can.

Tom: I think there's very little danger of you reproducing *ever*.
Mike: Hopefully.

>Anyone know about this press release? Or care?

All: NO!

>The following is a continuation of a previous correspondence. It is 
>purportedly John Lear's Note to the Press:

Crow [Lear]: Hi, I'm a nut! Please ignore everything I have to say.

>The government of the United States continues to rely on your 
>personal and professional gullibility to suppress the information 
>contained herin.  Your cooperation over the past 40 years has 
>exceeded our wildest expectations and we salute you.

>"The sun does not revolve around the Earth"

Mike: Well, duh.

>"The United States Government has been in business with little 
>gray

Crow: Y-fronts?

>extraterrestrials for about 20 years"
>The first truth stated here got Giordano Bruno burned at the 
>stake in AD 1600 for daring to propose that it was real. The 
>second truth has gotten far more people killed trying to state it 
>publicly than will ever be known.

Tom: People like Chris Carter, presumably.
Crow: Yet Milton William Cooper still lives!

>But the truth must be told. The fact that the Earth revolves 
>around the sun was successfully suppressed by the church for 
>over 200 years. It eventually caused a major upheaval in the 
>church, government, and thought.  A realignment of social and 
>traditional values. That was in the 1800's.
>Now, about 400 years after the first truth was pronounced we 
>must again face the shocking facts. The "horrible truth" the 
>government has been hiding from us over 40 years.

Mike: Or 20 years.

>Unfortunately, the "horrible truth" is far more horrible than the 
>government ever imagined.
>In its effort to protect democracy, our government sold us to the 
>aliens.

Crow: I hope the aliens kept the receipt.
Mike: Hey!

>And here is how it happened. But before I begin, I'd like to offer 
>a word in the defense of those who bargained us away. They had 
>the best of intentions.

Tom: They got 8-track and Betamax technology out of the deal, what more do you want?

>"Germany may have recovered a flying saucer as early as 1939. 
>General James H. Doolittle went to Sweden in 1946 to inspect a 
>flying saucer that had crashed there in Spitzbergen.
>The "horrible truth" was known by only a very few persons: They 
>were indeed ugly little creatures, shaped like praying mantises

Crow: Get the Raid!

>and who were more advanced than us by perhaps a billion years.

Mike: But they still couldn't fly their ship worth a damn.
Tom: Shouldn't they have gone beyond the Rim by now?

>OF the original group that were the first to learn the "horrible 
>truth," several committed suicide, the most prominent of which 
>was General James V. Forrestal who jumped to his death from a 
>16th story hospital window. General Forrestal's medical records 
>are sealed to this day.

Crow: 'Cause of death - splattered like a dropped Pop Tart.'

>President Truman quickly put a lid on the secret and turned the 
>screws so tight that the general public still thinks

Mike: ...mixed metaphors are perfectly acceptable.

>that flying saucers are a joke.

>Well, that's all for now.

Tom: Porky Pig, ufologist!

>But the story get even better as it provides an account for all of 
>those mysterious "alien abductions" that are always being 
>reported on in tv shows such as "Unsolved Mysteries."

Mike: Hold on, here come Bigfoot, Nessie and crop circles into the equation.

>More from the John Lear "Press Release," continuing from where I 
>left off:
>"In 1947, President Truman established a group of 12 of the top 
>military scientific personnel of their time. They were known as 
>MJ-12. Although the group exists today, none of the original 
>members are still alive.  The last one to die was Gordon Gray,

Tom: Kind of an appropriate name.

>former Secretary of the Army, in 1984. As each member passed

Crow: Wind!

>away, the group itself appointed a new member to fill the 
>position. There is some speculation that the group known as MJ-
>12 expanded to at least several members.

Tom: But MJ-27 just didn't have the same ring to it.

>There were several more saucer crashes in the late 1940's, one in 
>Roswell, New Mexico, one Aztec, New Mexico, and one near 
>Laredo, Texas, about 30 miles inside the Mexican border.

Mike: When did Texas annex Mexico?

>Consider, if you will, the position of the United States Goverment 
>at that time. They proudly thought of themselves as the most 
>powerful nation on Earth, having recently produced the atomic 
>bomb, an achievement so stupendous, it would take Russia 4 
>years to catch up, and only with the help of traitors to the 
>Democracy. They had built a jet aircraft that had exceeded the 
>speed of sound in flight. They had built jet bombers with 
>intercontinental range that could carry weapons of enormous 
>destruction. The post war era, and the future seemed bright.

Crow [newsreel voice]: The brightness of an atomic holocaust!

>Now imagine what it was like for those same leaders, all of whom 
>had witnessed the panic of Orson Wells' radio broadcast, "The 
>War of the Worlds," in 1938. Thousands of Americans panicked at 
>a realistically presented invasion of Earth by beings from another 
>planet.

Tom: Actually, I think it was more like tens of Americans panicking at an obvious 
dramatisation complete with commercial breaks.

>Imagine their horror

Mike: It's easy if you try.

>as they actually viewed the dead bodies of these frightening 
>looking little creatures with enormous eyes, reptilian skin and 
>claw like fingers.

Crow: Hanson's tour bus crashed!

>Imagine their shock as they attempted to determine how these 
>strange "saucers" were powered and could discover no part even 
>remotely similar to components they were familiar with: no 
>cylinders or pistons, no vacuum tubes or turbines or hydraulic 
>actuators.

Mike: No levers, no pulleys, no inclined planes...

>It is only when you fully understand the overwhelming 
>helplessness the government was faced with in the late 40's that 
>you can comprehend their perceived need for a total, thorough 
>and sweeping cover up, to include the use of 'deadly force.'"
>  "The cover-up was so successful that as late as 1985 a senior 
>scientist with the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, CA, Dr. 
>Al Hibbs, would look at a video tape of an enormous flying saucer 
>and state the record, 'I'm not going to assign anything to that 
>(UFO) phenomena without a lot more data.'  Dr. Hibbs was looking 
>at the naked emperor and saying, 'He certainly looks naked, but 
>that doesn't prove he's naked'."

Mike: Since video footage is impossible to fake!

>Stay tuned 'til next time when we see the U.S. gov't making a deal 
>with the ugly little creatures...

Tom: Next week on 'Real TV'.

>"In July of 1952, a panicked goverment watched helplessly as a 
>squadron of 'flying saucers' flew over Washington, D.C., and 
>buzzed the White House, the Capitol Building, and the Pentagon. It 
>took all the imagination and intimidation the government could 
>muster to force the incident out of the memory of the public.
>"Thousands of sightings occurred during the Korean war and 
>several more saucers were retrieved by the Air Force. Some were 
>stored at Wright- Patterson Air Force Base, some were stored at 
>Air Force bases near the location of the crash sight.

Mike: You know, for supposedly advanced life forms, the aliens pretty much suck at 
driving flying saucers.

>"One saucer was so enormous and the logistic problems in 
>transportation so enormous that it was buried at the crash sight 

Tom: Sorry, Mike, I have to do it...
Mike: Go ahead.
Tom: Crash SITE, you moron!
Mike: Feeling better?
Tom: Yeah, I *had* to get that out of my system.

>and remains there today. The stories are legendary

Crow: In the sense that they're not real.

>on transporting crashed saucers over long distances, moving only 
>at night, purchasing complete farms, slashing through forests, 
>blocking major highways,

Tom [sings]: Fifty storeys high, breathing fire, his head in the sky, Godzillaaaaaaaa!

>sometimes driving 2 and 3 lo-boys in tandem with an 
>extraterrestrial load a hundred feet in diameter.

Crow: Marlon Brando: space alien.

>"During the period of 1969-1971, MJ-12 (ed. note: MJ-12 is the 
>special task force for the study of UFO's) representing the U.S. 
>Gov't made a deal with these creatures, called EBE's 
>(Extraterrestrial Biological Entities, named by Detley Bronk,

Tom: Give that man a cheer!

>original MJ-12 member and 6th president of Johns Hopkins 
>University). The 'deal' was that in exchange for 'technology' that 
>they would provide to us, we agreed to 'ignore' the abductions

Mike: Oh, let's 'look' at all the 'quotes' he's using, how 'ironic'.
Crow: Doncha th-
Mike: Shh.

>that were going on and suppress information on the cattle 
>mutilations. The EBE's assured MJ-12 that the abductions (usually 
>lasting abuot 2 hours) were merely the ongoing monitoring of 
>developing civilizations."
>Here things get

Crow: Stupid?

>wild:

Tom: We are wild and crazy aliens.

>"In fact, the purposes for the abduction turned out to be:

Crow: To keep the National Enquirer in business.

>(1) The insertion of a 3mm spherical device through the nasal 
>cavity of the abductee into the brain. The device is used

Mike: To receive satellite TV.

>for the biological monitoring, tracking, and control of the 
>abductee.

>(2) Implementation of Posthypnotic Suggestion to carry out a 
>specific activity

Tom: I command you to SLEEEEEEEP!

>during a specific time period, the actuation of which will occur 
>within the next 2 to 5 years.
>EDitor's Note: it's already been 2 years.

Mike: Certainly feels like it!

>(3) Termination of some people so that they could function as 
>living sources for biological materials and substances.

Tom: Doesn't being terminated kind of rule out being a living *anything*?

>(4) Termination of individuals who represent a threat to the 
>continuation of their activity.

>(5) Effect genetic engineering experiments.

Crow: To clone Neve Campbell.

>(6) Impregnation of human females and early termination of 
>pregnancies to secure the crossbreed infant.

>"The U.S. Gov't was not initially aware of the far reaching 
>consequences of their 'deal.'

Crow: Because they really were *that* stupid.

>They were led to believe that the abductions were essentially 
>benign and since they figured the abductions would probably go 
>on anyway whether they agreed or not, they merely insisted that 
>a current list of abductees be submitted, on a periodic basis, to 
>MJ-12 and the National Security Council.  Does this sound 
>incredible?

Mike: More ridiculous, actually.

>An actual list of abductees sent to the National Security Council?  
>Read on, because I have news for you."

Tom [Angus Deayton]: Coming up next is our odd one out round...

>Well, that's all for now.  Next time we see that the EBE's have a 
>genetic disorder....

Mike: And that Lear has a mental disorder.

>Thanks for following so far.
>More juice from the Lear "press release," p. 4:
>"The EBE's (extraterrestrial biological entities) have a genetic 
>disorder in that their digestive system is atrophied and not 
>functional.

Crow: That's what happens when you live off White Castles.

>Some speculate that they were involved in some type of accident 
>or nuclear war, or possibly on the back side of and evolutionary 
>genetic curve. In order to sustain themselves they use an enzyme 
>or hormonal secretion obtained from the tissue that they extract 
>fomr humans and animals. Note: Cows and Humans are 
>genetically similar.

Mike: In that they're completely different.

>IN the event of a national disaster, cow's blood

Tom: Just the one cow?

>can be used by humans (Editor's note: does anybody know if this 
>is true?).

Tom [Lear]: Oh, wait, I meant cows' MILK! Silly me.

>The secretions obtained are then mixed with hydrogen peroxide 
>and applied on the skin by spreading or dipping parts of their 
>bodies in the solution. the body absorbs the solution, then 
>excretes the wasted back through the skin.

Crow: Gee, you really don't want to be shaking hands with these guys.

>The cattle mutilations that were prevalent throughout the period 
>from 1973 to 1983 and publicly noted through newspaper and 
>magazine stories and included a documentary produced by Linda 
>Howe

All: How!

>for the Denver CBS affiliate KMGH-TV,

Tom: KTMA? Beep!

>were for the collection of these tissues by

Mike: Kleenex.

>the aliens. The mutilations included genitals taken, rectums cored 
>out to the colon, eyes, tongue, and throat all surgically removed 
>with extreme precision. In some cases the incisions were made by 
>cutting between the cells, a process we are not yet capable of 
>performing in the field. In many of the mutilations there was no 
>blood found at all in the carcass, yet there was no vascular 
>collapse of the internal organs. This has been also noted in the 
>human mutilations, one of the first of which was Sgt. Jonathan P. 
>Louette

Tom [sings]: Jonty P Louette.

>at the White Sands Missile Test Range in 1956, who was found 
>three days after an Air Force Major had witnessed his abduction 
>by a 'disk shaped' object at 0300 while on search for missile 
>debris downrange.

Mike: The middle of the night, always the best time to go looking for small scraps of metal 
in a large area of desert.

>His genitals had been removed,

Crow: Damn those feminists!

>rectum cored out in a surgically precise 'plug' up to the colon,

Tom: Bring out the Gimp!

>eyes removed and all blood removed with, again, no vascular 
>collapse. From some of the evidence it is apparent that this 
>surgery is accomplished, in most cases, while the victim, animal 
>or human is still alive.
>"The various parts of the body are taken to various underground 
>laboratories, one of which is known to be near the small New 
>Mexico town of Dulce. This jointly occupied (CIA-Alien) facility 
>has been described as enormous, with huge tiled walls that 'go on 
>forever.'

Tom: Like this conspiracy crap.

>Witnesses have reported huge vats filled with amber liquid with 
>parts of human being stirred inside

Crow: Ah, Bud Lite.

>(Ed. note: Oooh, gross!).

Mike: This report brought to you by the Valley Girl UFO Network.

>"After the initial agreement, Groom Lake, one of this nation's 
>most secret test centers,

Tom: Wouldn't secret test centers kind of *not* be known about by absolutely everybody?

>was closed for a period of about a year, sometime between about 
>1972 and 1974, and a huge underground facility was constructed 
>for and with the help of the EBE's.

Crow: Well you know, when you've flown 3,000 light years non-stop you really do all 
need the restroom at once.

>The 'bargained for' technology was set in place but could only be 
>operated by the EBE's themselves.

Tom: They put 'The Club' on the controls.

>Needless to say, the advanced technology could not be used 
>against the EBE's themselves, event if needed.
>"During the period between 1979 and 1983 it became 
>increasingly obvious to MJ-12 that things were not going as 
>planned. It became known that many more peopl (in the 
>thousands) were being abducted  than were listed on the official 
>abduction lists. In addition it became obvious that some, not all, 
>but some of the nation's missing children had been used for 
>secretions and other parts required by the aliens.

Mike: Wonder how they phrased that on the milk cartons?

>"In 1979 there was an altercation of sorts at the Dulce laboratory. 
>A special armed forces unit was

Tom: ...imprisoned for a crime they did not commit. They promptly escaped from a 
maximum security stockade...

>called in to try and free a number of our people trapped in the 
>facility, ho had become aware of what was really going on.

Crow: They just let prostitutes wander in there?
Tom: Maybe he means Ho Chi Minh.

>According to one source, 66  of the soldierss

Mike: Who's writing this, Judge Death?

>were killed and our people were not freed."

Crow: Aliens! Let my people not go!

>Well, that was the end of page 5.

Tom [goofy]: We'll see you next week on 'The Muppet Show'!

>Next time, we see how this story is/was released to the public.
>Lear's release, p. 6:

Mike: I don't think we'll be seeing Lear's release any time soon.

>"By 1984, MJ-12 must have been in stark terror at the mistake 
>they had made in dealing with the EBE's. They had subtly 
>promoted 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind' and 'E.T.' to get the 
>public used to 'odd looking' aliens that were compassionate, 
>benevolent and very much our 'space brothers.' MJ-12 'sold' the 
>EBE's to the public, and were now faced with the fact that quite 
>the opposite was true.

Mike: They *didn't* sell the EBEs to the public?
Crow: Just like all that Zen: Intergalactic Ninja merchandise.

>In addition a plan was formulated in 1968 to make the public 
>aware of the existence of aliens on Earth over the next 20 years 
>to be culminated with several documentaries to be released 
>during 1985-1987 period of time. These documentaries would 
>explain the history and intentions of the EBE's. The discovery of 
>the 'Grand Deception' put the entire plans, hopes, and dreams of 
>MJ-12 into utter confusion and panic.

Mike: It put a major downer on the summer barbeque, for a start.

>"Meeting at the 'Country Club,' a remote lodge with private golf 
>course, confortable sleeping and working quarters, and its own 
>private airstrip

Tom: A Gus Van Sant film.

>built by and exclusively for the members of MJ-12, it was a 
>factional fight of what to do now. Part of MJ-12 wanted to confess 
>whole scheme and shambles it had become to the public, beg 
>their forgive- ness and ask for their supporty.

Crow: We know we have been naughty, but may we please have your supporty?

>The other part (and majority) of MJ-12 argued that there was no 
>way they could do that, that the situation was untenable and 
>there was no use in exciting the public with the 'horrible truth'

Mike [goofy]: We're going to be taken over by aliens and killed? Wow, cool! I'm excited!

>and that the best plan was to continue the devleopment of a 
>weaon that could be used against the EBE's under the guise of 
>'SDI,' the Strategic Defense Initiative, which had nothing 
>whatsoever to do with a defense for inbound Russian nuclear 
>missiles.

Tom: Gosh! You mean it was really the fantasy pipedream of a senile ex-actor who took 
advice from astrologers and thought trees caused more pollution than automobiles, 
developed in collusion with military contractors out for blue-sky big bucks? I'm shocked!

>As these words are being written, Dr. Edward Teller, 'father' of 
>the

Mike: ATM.

>H-Bomb is personally in the test tunnels of the Nevada Test Site, 
>driving his workers and associates in

Crow: A Chrysler Voyager.

>the words of one, 'like a man possessed.' And well he should, for 
>Dr. Teller is a

Tom: Good friend of Penn.

>member of MJ-12 along with Dr. Kissenger, Admiral Bobby 
>Inman,

Mike: Big brother of Bowie's wife.

>and possibly Admiral Poindexter, to name a few of the current 
>members of MJ-12.
>"Before the 'Grand Deception' was discovered and according to a 
>meticulous plan of metered release of infomration to the public, 
>several documentaries and videotapes were made. William 
>Moore, a Burbank, CA based UFO reseacher

Crow: Yeah, I'm sure you get to see lots of UFOs in beautiful downtown Burbank.

>who wrote 'The Roswell Incident,' a book published in 1980

Tom: Ooh, nothing like being current.

>that detailed the crash, recovery and subsequent cover-up of a 
>UFO with 4 alien bodies, has a videotape of 2 newsmen 
>interviewing a military officer associated with MJ-12 and the 
>cover-up, the recovery of a number of flying saucers and the 
>existence of a live alien (one of 3 living aliens captured and 
>designated, or named, EBE-1, EBE-2, and EBE-3,

Crow: Quark, Rom and Nog?

>being held in a facility designated as YY-II

Mike: That's a coincidence, I've been saying "why, why?" too.
Tom [sings]: YYY, Delilah!

>at Los Alamos, NM. The only other facility of this type, which is 
>electromagnetically secure, is at Edwards AFB in Mojabe, CA).  
>The officer names as previously mentioned plus a few others: 
>Harold Brown,

Tom: That's the colour of his underpants.

>Richard Helms, Gen. Vernon Walters, JPL's Dr. Lew Allen and Dr. 
>Theodore von Karman,

[Mike punches Crow on the shoulder.]
Mike: Slugbug!
Crow: Jeez, Mike...
All: THAT'S A KARMAN GHIA!

>to name a few of the current and past members of MJ-12.

>"The officer also relates the fact that the EBE's claim to have 
>created Christ. The EBE's have a type of recording device that has 
>recorded all of Earth's history and can display it in the form of a 
>hologram. 

Tom: *All* of it?
Crow: Yes, Mike, they've even got *that* on tape.
Mike [nervous]: I know not of what you speak.

>This hologram can be filmed but because of the way holograms 
>work does not come out very clearly on movie film or videotape.

Tom [Holodoc]: Please state the nature of the theological emergency.

>The crucifixion of Christ on the Mount of Olives has allegedly 
>been put on film to show the public.

Mike: Next on Fox - 'World's Scariest Public Executions'.

>The EBE's claim to have created Christ, which, in view of the 
>'Grand Deception', could be an effort to disrupt traditional values 
>for undetermined reasons.

Crow: What? That's *it*? Wait, don't leave us hanging! You didn't tell us if they also 
created Mohammed, Buddha and Moses!
Mike: That's it, guys, we're outta here.

[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]

[SOL bridge. Tom and Crow are huddled furtively around a phone, giggling.]

Tom: Come on, dial it, dial it!

Crow: 714... 680... 9537... it's ringing, it's ringing!

Tom: Hee heee! Pick it up, pick it up!

[Someone on the other end picks up.]

Milton William Cooper [for it is he]: Hello?

Crow [basso]: Milton William Cooper?

Cooper: Yes?

Crow: Of Fullerton, California?

Cooper: That's me.

Crow: We've been reading some of your work on the internet.

Cooper: Really? Marvellous! It's always good to open peoples' minds to the TRUTH!

Tom [whisper]: Wow, he actually talks like he writes!

Crow: We're not interested in the truth, Mr Cooper. We're interested in the big lie! For we 
are...

Bots [basso]: ...ALIENS!

Crow: We know where you live, Mr Cooper!

Tom: We know what you do, Mr Cooper!

Crow: We know what you had for breakfast, Mr Cooper!

Tom: And now we're coming for you, Mr Cooper!

Cooper: Really. Well, I'll have you know I have caller ID, Mr... Nelson, and you can be 
sure the police and the FCC will be hearing about this.

Crow: We control the FCC, you FOOL! Ah hah hah hah!

Cooper: Just because you have an out of state area code doesn't mean I... hmmm, okay, an 
international area code... hey, wait a- AAAAIIIEEEEE! NOOOOOOOOO! You're real, 
you're really real! GYAAAAAAAAHHHH!

[The screams tail off into the distance. After a long pause, Crow puts down the phone.]

Crow: Wow. That worked a lot better than I expected.

Tom: I think we actually broke his mind. Cool!

[Mike enters, wearing a tinfoil hat.]

Mike: Having fun, fellas?

Tom: Yeah, we were just screwing with Milton William Cooper's head.

Mike: Huh. Normally I'd disapprove of you doing things like that... but on this occasion I 
guess it's okay. Do you like my hat?

Crow: Sure, Mike. It's very... conspiratorial.

Mike: Oh, all the best-dressed conspiracy theorists are wearing them. They're positively the 
rage in Montana.

Tom: And just why would you want to dress like a gun-toting backwoodsman with a 
curiously paranoid grasp of geopolitics?

Mike: I'm kind of worried about Dr F's new toy, and this was the only way I could think 
of to stop it.

Crow: Speaking of which, we'd better see how ol' J-zero is doing.

[Deep 13. Frank is still strapped to the chair, smoke pouring out of his ears. Dr Forrester is 
tinkering with the Brain-O-Tron.]

Dr F: Ah, Mike! Just in time. As you can see, the Brain-O-Tron works perfectly at short 
range.

Frank [mumbling]: Smurfs... faked moon landings... to sell Thermos flasks... to large-
nosed... Christians...

Dr F: All I need to do now is hook up the transmitter, and I'll be able to blast a non-stop 
stream of mind-crushing drivel directly into your mind 24 hours a day. Without the help of 
your little tin pals and their sarcastic comments to distract you from the torment, you'll 
soon be my willing slave! BWAHH HAHH HAHHHH! I must say, Mike, you've been a 
great help. I'll make sure you get a Christmas hamper or something. Okay, here goes. 
Stand by for oblivion, Mike!

[He throws the switch. The Brain-O-Tron hums into life.]

[SOL. The bots are holding a candlelit wake for Mike, despite the fact that he's not dead 
and is standing right next to them.]

Tom: ...and though Mike was not a perfect man-

Crow: By any stretch of the imagination!

Tom: ...we'll miss him now he's gone.

Gypsy: Oh, poor Mike, poor, poor Mike.

Mike: Uh, guys? I'm still here.

Tom: Taken from us at his prime by an evil experiment that utterly destroyed his mind...

Crow: Which took a surprisingly short amount of time.

Tom: ...young Michael J Nelson will be remembered by all of us. For his kindness, his 
warmth, his strange, musky scent, his mysterious collection of-

Mike: Guys!

Tom: Mike, do you mind? We're in the middle of your eulogy here!

Mike: But I'm still here! I'm perfectly fine.

Crow: Guess that tinfoil hat must be working.

Mike: I dunno. Wonder what happens if I take it off-

Bots: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Mike takes off the hat.]

Crow: My god, the fool, the poor, poor fool! Barely a second of exposure and it's already 
shattered his mind and reduced him to a vacant, slack-jawed doofus!

Mike: Hey!

Crow: Oh, sorry.

Mike: It didn't make any difference. Guess Dr F's machine didn't work.

[Deep 13. Frank has been unstrapped and he staggers offscreen, still smoking. Dr F is 
examining the Brain-O-Tron.]

Dr F: I don't understand! The machine is working, the transmitter is working, so where's 
the soul-smashing effect? Why isn't that Midwestern simpleton... oh, hi Mike. Heh. Slight 
snag, soon have it fixed. Let's see... ah! Here's the problem - the transmitter was set on 
the wrong frequency. Hmm, this setting looks familiar...

Frank [off-screen]: Steve? Have you changed the presets on my radio?

Dr F: I haven't touched your stupid radio, Frank. I'm trying to-

[Frank re-enters, holding a radio.]

Frank: 'Cause I was just trying to turn my crank to Frank, and it sounds like they've 
changed formats! Listen - this isn't Wynonna...

Radio announcer: You're tuned to Frank - the all-conspiracy station! It's 24 hour paranoia 
here at KFRK! And now it's back to The Cutting Edge with David Bay and his special 
guest, Milton William Cooper!

Dr F: No! I brain-zapped the wrong people! Frank, quick! Turn it off before they start 
talking!

[Frank tries to switch off the radio, and accidentally snaps off the dial.]

Frank: Oops.

Dr F: You imbecile! Give me that!

[Dr F snatches the radio from Frank and starts fiddling with it.]

Dr F: Hey! Why did you superglue the battery compartment shut?

Frank: Because you kept stealing my batteries to use in your Game Boy... er, your evil 
experiments.

David Bay: For the next 30 minutes, you will be on the Cutting Edge...

Dr F: Aaaarghhh! Now I'll never get them to shut up! We've got to put that radio 
somewhere deep and soundproof... Say, Frank, is that a penny on the floor there at your 
feet?

Frank: Where?

[Frank bends down as Dr F snaps on a rubber glove and prepares to shove the radio where 
the sun don't shine.]

Dr F: You've gained a reprive, Mike. Until the next time!

[Fwoosh *]

Frank: Aaaaaaaaarghhhh! Ooh.

[MST3K is copyright 1999 the late lamented Best Brains, Inc. TV/TOYS 
CONDITIONING OUR CHILDREN is copyright Cutting Edge Ministries, NASA 
MASONIC CONSPIRACY and OPERATION MAJORITY are copyright Milton William 
Cooper, and frankly they're welcome to them. This MSTing is by Andy McDermott,1999. 
Hope you liked it. My next MSTing will feature not one, but two terrible big-budget 
movies - get ready for the Doomsday Double Bill!]