Mystery Science Theater 3000 "Undocumented Features" [Season 8 opening. This MSTing is set between episodes 804 and 805; the SOL has not yet arrived at the Observers' world.] [...1...2...3...4...5...6...] [SOL bridge. Mike is sitting behind the steering wheel, looking somewhat tired. Gypsy is near him. Crow and Tom are at the window, looking out at the stars. Tom makes a throat-clearing noise.] TOM: The eternal void of space... No, this isn't going to work. Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine! [Cut to a close-up external view of the SOL. Tom and Crow are visible looking out the window.] TOM: That's better. [clears throat again] The eternal void of space... trackless, endless, infinite. Only when we travel between the stars are we aware of the vast spaces that separate our islands of matter... And yet-- CROW: Mike, are we there yet? [Tom looks at Crow, then shakes his head. Cambot cuts back to the bridge, where Mike is glaring at Crow.] MIKE: First of all, Crow, I don't even know where we're going. I'm more concerned about Mrs. Forrester. We haven't been able to lose her yet. TOM: [with slightly false sympathy] Do you want me to drive, Mike? You look tired. MIKE: I remember what happened the last time you drove, Tom. TOM: Well, you won't remember it if you stay up much longer. You need some rest. You *want* some rest... MIKE: [looking squarely at Tom] Whatever you're trying, Tom--*stop it*-- GYPSY: Look out! MIKE: Huh? [With a tremendous, Cambot-shaking CRASH, Mike and the bots lurch in unison. An old satellite dish goes flying by the window.] CROW: Give me Rocket Number Nine! [Cut to a model shot of the SOL, with the Widowmaker visible back in the distance. The front of the SOL is slightly dented after its collision with what now looks like a mass of model kit leftovers cemented together. That mess flies backwards and hits the Widowmaker squarely, which swerves aside. Cambot cuts back to the bridge.] TOM: Forget I said anything, Mike! CROW: Great driving! MIKE: I-- [A sputtering engine noise begins to drown out everything else.] MIKE: Hold on, I'm pulling over. [He turns the wheel to one side. Everyone lurches in unison slightly, and the commercial light begins to flash.] CROW: If it isn't one thing, it's another. [Gypsy leans down and hits the light with her head as Mike continues to drive.] GYPSY: We'll be right back. [commercials] [SOL bridge. Mike, Gypsy, and Crow are gathered around the desk, while Tom hovers near the Nanoscope. An amber light blinks on and off outside the window for a "four-way flasher" effect.] MIKE: How long until our repairs are completed? TOM: Probably two hours. CROW: Two hours... Well, at least we're lucky Mrs. Forrester can't-- [The mads' light flashes.] TOM: Oh, good one, Crow. [Mike hits the light. Cut to the Widowmaker. Pearl sits in the front seat with an unpleasant smile. Bobo can be seen rummaging noisily in the back.] PEARL: Greetings, Nelstine. I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank you for that unscheduled collision. [SOL] MIKE: [slightly befuddled] Really? CROW: She's happy--why get upset? [Widowmaker] PEARL: I'm happy, all right--but you won't be, once this experiment is over! [She holds up an LP record spray-painted gold.] While I wait for Bobo to complete our repairs, and you wait for... whatever you're waiting for, you'll get to experience the cultural time capsule attached to the ancient space probe. [SOL] TOM: Got it. One postmodern critique of a noble attempt to describe the world in a teacup--coming right up! [Widowmaker] PEARL: Oh, your experience is going to be far more harrowing than that... It turned out that whoever made up the record decided to give pride of place to the complete Undocumented Features. [SOL. Mike nods blandly, while Tom and Crow slowly shake their heads.] MIKE: Undocumented Features? That's that huge fanfic based on... Well, it has just about every popular anime series and science fiction movie of the early 1990s mixed in. CROW: And glued together with a heaping helping of self-insertion. TOM: Mike, you were lucky to miss "Justice and Mercy." MIKE: Well--maybe we'll get a more active part of the story. [Widowmaker] PEARL: Be careful what you wish for, Nelson... I've selected, after exhaustive research-- [Bobo pops up from behind the seat.] BOBO: It was the first file you looked at, Lawgiver. PEARL: So what if it was! Get back to work! [Bobo ducks under cover again. Pearl attempts to compose herself.] PEARL: Anyways, I'm sending you the very first story in the Undocumented Features saga. [SOL. Mike nods again, vaguely pleased.] MIKE: There's no place to start like the beginning. [Widowmaker] PEARL: Yes, you'd think that, wouldn't you... But I can only advise you to prepare yourselves. You're about to spoon up a thick stew of injokes, pop culture references, revenge fantasies, and personal wish fulfilment... And by the time you clean your plate, you'll be wondering why anyone ever asked for seconds--that is, a sequel. [SOL] MIKE: [weakly] When you put it that way... TOM: [dubiously] Well, anime fans on the Internet in the early '90s ate it up. CROW: So we can either steep ourselves in their hothouse world, or just torment ourselves with that knowledge-- [Lights, sirens, mayhem.] MIKE: Too late for that, guys--*we've got fanfic sign!* [...6...5...4...3...2...1...] [Mike enters and puts Tom in his seat. Crow follows him into the theatre.] > GRM Reaper Productions, Uninc. TOM: They left out "I." MIKE: Maybe it's a note of humility. CROW: They had to have one *somewhere...* > in association with > British-AnimeTech Limited MIKE: *British* anime? CROW: Well, sure! Replace the school uniforms with Wellington boots and jerseys, turn Tokyo Tower into Big Ben, substitute bangers and mash for ramen noodles, and pare the huge explosions back to a blitz or two... TOM: We get the picture, thank you. > presents > > A PsychoMental Production > A Virtual Non-Film CROW: If only it were that insubstantial. > > Benjamin D. Hutchins Brian Bikowicz > Rob Mandeville > > Undocumented Features MIKE: Just like the movies. TOM: Oh, yeah. Big names pull 'em in! > > THE CAST > Benjamin D. Hutchins Gryphon TOM: Ah, the cool extra name. What's complete without it? > Brian Bikowicz MegaZone (!23) MIKE: He's not twenty-three, I see... TOM: No, he's not two-three. MIKE: What? TOM: Obscure reference. You don't have to get it. > Rob Mandeville ReRob MIKE: Three authors, three main characters... I wonder how they ordered their names. TOM: Paper-rock-scissors. > Kei Kei Morgan > Yuri Yuri Daniels CROW: Ah, the Dirty Pair. TOM: That's Lovely Angels! MIKE: Albeit with marginally less special extra names... > Rob Crocker Crocker/Confused MIKE: I wonder if he'll be the character we really identify with. > John Todd Macquivr/Q > Adam Johnson Pfloyd > Rich Parker Rich TOM: Ooh--stunning originality! > The Wedge Rats The Wedge Commandos CROW: With this trade-in, you increase your coolness by at least fifty percent! > John Coyle Coyle > Larry Foard Entropy TOM: Entropy *must* increase to a maximum, of course! > Andrew Petrarca Android > Kevin Tefft Kevin > Largo Largo TOM: Ah... simple humility. > > Special Visual Effects by Your Brain On Drugs, Inc. CROW: This is your brain on Undocumented Features. Any questions? > Costumes by Why Me, Lord? Ltd. > Vehicles by British-AnimeTech Ltd. MIKE: You know, it's sad when special interests start dominating the entertainment industry. > Destruction by Joe Martin Destruction Systems International > Cool Neo-TechTronic Things by British-AnimeTech Limited CROW: I'm sensing a theme of product placement here. > Music by Ben & Joe & The Assistance > Screenplay by Brian Bikowicz TOM: Confident of selling the movie rights, hmm? > From an Original Story by Benjamin D. Hutchins, Brian > Bikowicz, and Rob Mandeville MIKE: You know, most people are happy with first drafts. TOM: When you care enough to post the very best... > CLULESS Created by John Todd > 8thdimension Created by Rob Mandeville > The Wave Motion RifleTM Created by Andrew Petrarca > The GRF-3N Griffin III Armored Combat Suit Created by > Benjamin D. Hutchins MIKE: Gee, what a creative bunch. CROW: Dollars to donuts these are the important gadgets. > Gryphon Created by Ben's Parents CROW: When all else fails--blame your parents. > MegaZone Created by Brian's Parents TOM: That's why he said he wasn't two-three. MIKE: If I knew what you were talking about, I'd be intrigued. > ReRob Created by Rob's Parents > Kei and Yuri Created by Haruka Takachiho TOM: Poor Kei and Yuri... sharing just one man. Everyone *else* was made by a family. > Technical Support by Gadaiyio Takeimienei > Publishing by Eyrie Publishing Co., NotEvenCloseToInc. > Copyright (c) 1991, by Benjamin D. Hutchins, Brian > Bikowicz, and Rob Mandeville > > CROW: Finally! TOM: No--here come the acknowledgments! MIKE: Sharp eyes--uh--dome, Tom. > > > This one's for all the people out there who love SF, anime, CROW: And seeing people like themselves do very, very well in those worlds. > and the marvelous concept known as "write yer own". MIKE: Own your writing? CROW: You're right on! > But more > than that: > > For Kei and Yuri. TOM: And what better way to show your love than by writing yourself into a story featuring them? > > Ben: > For Mike, the original coauthor--he's the one who got me > going on this write yer own stuff... > > For Joe, the reason I'm here in the first place. MIKE: Where, exactly? TOM: That could be almost philosophical. > > For Cory. You started the whole mess anyway, indirectly. CROW: Missing no opportunity to spread the credit, I see... > > For Zoner and ReRob, who got me running with this idea like > a giant snowball. > > For Mom and Dad, who could never understand, MIKE: Nobody understood my generation, either. > but they're > behind me anyway... > > For Randy, who has become comfortably numb. TOM: Yeah, prereading this thing'll do that to you. > > For Seann, who may well find himself caught up in similar > insanity next year. MIKE: [Ben] So here's this word of warning. > > For anyone else I can't recall right now...I write for > everyone, but not everyone reads for me. CROW: Guess you had to crack your texts every once in a while, hmm? > > > > > Zoner: > For the Wedge Rats, who so graciously helped in proofreading > and conceptualizing this beast. MIKE: Although most of their suggestions, oddly enough, involved themselves... > > For Dave, who has been my best friend for, oh about, 7 years > now. You were the only one who could put up with me. > > For Gryphon and ReRob, who sucked me into this mess and got > me thoroughly involved to the point that I couldn't get out. TOM: [Zoner] Not that I wanted to try, of course... > > For the Internet, especially rec.arts.anime, for all of the > good stories and information I have gathered over the years. CROW: Zoner--the man of the future! MIKE: True--for 1991. > > For Jenna, who saved me from the brink. I owe you more than I > can ever say. > > For Marc, who got me into anime in the first place. CROW: Otherwise, this would just have been a story of college students finding love with real people and success at real occupations. And that would have been just plain silly! > > For my parents, who have encouraged me to be myself. MIKE: [fatherly] No matter what you write, son, and no matter who you insert, we'll respect you. > > > > > ReRob: > For Crocker, without whom the HDS would be just a dream. > As if it isn't right now. TOM: All new--the self-retracting acknowledgement! > > For Ben and Zoner, who warped a simple storyline into a > convoluted mess only an author could love. CROW: You know, I've heard it said that self-insertion authors are the most enthusiastic fans of self-insertion stories. MIKE: We'll debate it later. > > For Jolt, for obvious reasons. TOM: [ReRob] It was *much* more amusing when I was wired! > > For Joe "Lampshade" Curtin, the Anti-Gweep, who drove me > over the edge and into the Wedge in the first place. MIKE: Oh, come on! He has a cool extra name--he can't be *that* bad! TOM: "Lampshade?" MIKE: All right--a vaguely interesting extra name. > > For my parents, who love me because they think I'm loony > and not in spite of that fact. CROW: Hey--why mess with success? > > > > How It Began----------------------------------------------ONE > > "On the first day of the first month in some distant year, MIKE: Next Sunday A.D.! > the whole sky froze golden. Some said it was the aftermath > of the radium bomb, while others told of a final retribution, > a terrible revenge, of the gods." CROW: And some just blamed the authors. > --Def Leppard > > WEDNESDAY 2 OCTOBER 1991 TOM: A date that will live in cheese... > > It was a slow Wednesday; Ben was down in the subbasement > of Fuller Labs, MIKE: Perfecting his latest brush design. > poking around in CSLANtronix. CROW: Two more chips, and I've got a techword bingo! > He got up, > logged out, and, bored, slouched out of the room. MIKE: And what rough beast, its hour come at last, slouches out of CSLANtronix not to be bored? > It was > nearing lunchtime; today he had actually gotten up rather > early. CROW: From the time he got up, Ben knew this would be a day unlike any other. > He turned the corner, heading away from the elevator; > he was curious as to what was over there. TOM: He took the road less travelled by, and that has made all the difference. > At the end of the hallway was a room whose door said > "NO ONE CUMZ IN HEER. SEKRIT". CROW: Hidden in plain sight--just like "The Purloined Letter." TOM: Oh, yeah. I'd pass that door by without a second thought. > Being the naturally > inquisitive sort, MIKE: Which I suppose does sound better than "nosy..." > Ben tried the handle on the door, just to > see if it was locked. It wasn't. TOM: It's like they *wanted* him to get in that room! > The room beyond was dark > and silent, save for the thrum of machinery. MIKE: When it "thrums," you know you've got class. > He looked > around; there was no one around, no one in the entire > subbasement, probably, except him. CROW: Yeah, Ben, we get it--you need a life! > He entered the room, > closing the door behind him. > His hand sought a lightswitch on the wall; he touched > something. TOM: Too bad it wasn't a light switch... > Immediately, the room blazed into light. MIKE: [announcer voice] Benjamin D. Hutchins, THIS IS YOUR LIFE! > All around him was the environment of a DECstation. > "Wha--?!" he uttered involuntarily, stumbling backward. TOM: So he's terrified by scrap paper, sticky coffee rings on the tabletops, manuals left open, and rickety plastic chairs? > He turned; the door was gone. He turned back around, > almost in a panic, MIKE: The qualification's important here, of course. TOM: Very important. > and suddenly he realized where he was. > This was 8thdimension! The HoloDECstation! > "But that was only a story," he breathed. CROW: Let me guess--this thing comes from some previous fanfic! TOM: Recursivity, thy name is Undocumented Features. > "This is > nuts." But it wasn't, it couldn't be; TOM: Because if it was, *he'd* be nuts. And we couldn't have that, could we? > there in front of him > was an xeyes, an IRC window, and the tattered remains of an > xtank game. The station was logged into an account that no > longer existed. CROW: If a station's logged into an account that no longer exists, and nobody's around, does anyone care? > Ben walked to the session manager's icon and thumped it > with a fist; immediately, the window sprang into existence. > He pulled the session menu down and quit, then banged the > "YES" box with his fist. MIKE: Boy, Ben's getting physical with this computer. TOM: His philosophy is, "If it breaks, it was poorly designed." > The station logged out and returned > him to the system prompt. With a growing smile, he stepped > to the login box and drew his login name, gryphon, and his > password, which I'm not going to write here, so neener neener > neener. TOM: Looks like we've pegged the maturity level here. > Within moments he was inside MWM on his own account. > "Hmm...let's see what this thing can do." He pulled up > an xgif -3 of /usr6/pub/anime/dp.portrait.gif, MIKE: You know, there's a difference between being dropped in the deep end to figure things out and being held under. > the 2d version > of which he always had running on a normal DECstation > whenever he used it. TOM: All right, Ben, why don't you just tell the world? MIKE: Tell them what? TOM: Well... Whatever *that* says. > Then, with a suitable distraction > running, he started fooling around. CROW: Fooling around with distractions--the best sort! > He soon discovered xtty, which created a keyboard for > him to type on; he found writing in air tiresome. As he sat > clattering away, he decided to cd to /usr1 and see what was > in there, but by a strange typo, he wound up typing > > What do we do next, Doctor? A:>cd /usr-1 > instead. MIKE: Forget about the road less travelled by. He's on the footpath usually ignored. > To his surprise, he wound up in a directory. He > ls'd it and discovered that it only contained one file: > > cluless > > "What the hell is cluless?" he wondered, cding it. That > accomplished a bit, and it soon became apparent that it was a > software compiler. CROW: cd compilers? TOM: mrno compilers. CROW: r2d compilers! TOM: l,i'llb! MIKE: Just how did you guys do that? > He more'd the README file. > > CLULESS > > CLULESS is a software compiler designed to generate > artificial nonintelligence. It is the considered opinion of > the author that true artificial intelligence is impossible, > since so little natural intelligence exists to use as a > model. CROW: Methinks this file was written while listening to talk radio. > Therefore, I have developed a software package which > will generate, I hope, artificial NONintelligences, with > which the casual user will be much better acquainted. MIKE: Half a decade later, the Jerry Springer Show became part of our shared heritage. Coincidence? I think not! > > Source code may be entered using emacs or another text > editor and then compiled using the command clucomp -i > . > > NEVER use clucomp without the -i flag. TOM: And there's the next plot point... > > Ben's brows knitted; MIKE: Then wove, into a delightful tapestry. > no explanation of the syntax of the > language, nothing of that sort whatsoever. He wondered > briefly what would happen if he were to start programming > something and then compile it through clucomp. TOM: Then he wondered what would happen if he left a potato in the microwave. > He thought nothing more of it, having no idea what the > programming syntax for CLULESS was; CROW: And *that's* supposed to stop him? > instead he played with > the station for a while longer and then decided to clr2gray a > Dirty Pair .gif for mailing to a friend of his. MIKE: Forget about buying the world a Coke--mailing a clr2grayed .gif is the *real* way to show friendship. > However, in > his rushed typing and crossed up train of thought (he always > typed too fast) TOM: Gotcha, Ben--produced without thinking! > he wound up typing > > What do we do next, Doctor? A:>clucomp oav.gif|fbps>~/dp.PS CROW: Well, it's another self-insertion where the main character lucks into the whole sordid mess, but excels at everything anyway. MIKE: Hey--he hasn't shown up on somebody's doorstep with script knowledge and super powers. TOM: We can give him that much, at least. > > He received the following messages: CROW: Undocumented Features: This fanfic has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. TOM: The fanfic "Undocumented Features" has unexpectedly quit, because an error of type 11 occurred. > > WARNING! Two separate entities--divided successfully. > WARNING! Insufficient data. Auto-crosschecking: please wait: > checking: dp.beverly.gif > checking: dp.bikini.gif > WARNING! Extraneous entity ignored! TOM: And this is significant... how? CROW: Maybe he should have given us his password after all. > checking: dp.calender.gif > checking: dp.chased.gif > checking: dp.cycle.gif CROW: So, he's gracing the story with a directory listing? MIKE: It looks that way. > checking: dp.dressing.gif > WARNING! Significant deviation from previous data! > disregarding discrepant data. MIKE: Take careful notes, everyone, because this will be on the test. > checking: dp.gunpod.gif > WARNING! Significant deviation from previous data! > Disregarding discrepant data. > checking: dp.keitop.gif > WARNING! Source lacking significant chromatic variation! > Interpolating proper coloration from other data. CROW: Okay, Ben, we're sort of getting the picture here... > checking: dp.portrait.gif > checking: dp.rambo.gif > checking: dp.topgun.gif TOM: What? No error? CROW: Looks like we're going to be faced with bulked-up Lovely Angels in Tomcats... > checking: dp.water.gif > Visual data successfully compiled. Now compiling personality > protocols. > checking......... Failure in locating data! > Checking system for data................... MIKE: Let's just hope this thing doesn't turn up previously written self-insertion fanfics... TOM: Let's just hope we don't have to sit through another list! > Data located in /usr6/pub/anime/Scripts/ > checking: dp.bigbang.Z > checking: dp.eden.nr.Z > checking: dp.eden.ps.Z > WARNING! Duplicate data! > Ignoring superfluous data. CROW: Don't you just hate it when your last, best hopes are crushed? TOM: Shut up. > checking: dp.flight005.syn.Z > checking: dp.movie.Z > checking: dp.oav005.Z > WARNING! Duplicate data! CROW: Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail? TOM: Failure is not an option! > checking: dp.robin.Z > Personality protocols successfully compiled. > Interpolating... > Interpolation complete. > Extrapolating... > Extrapolation complete. CROW: Prevaricating... TOM: Now that'll never be complete. > Compilation complete and successful. > fbps: Cannot output to PostScript. MIKE: He went through all of that, and *still* got an error? CROW: I'd hate to see what happens when he lucks into doing it right. > > "What?" He tried it again, oblivious to what he had > done, and this time it worked; TOM: Albeit *without* the directory listing. CROW: And for that, we give thanks. > he outputted to -Plps20 and > thought no more about it. MIKE: Sure--I never think about outputting to that, either. > Annoyingly, the station seemed to > have slowed down. > When he emerged from the HoloDECstation four hours > later, MIKE: I thought the door had vanished. CROW: He made his own. TOM: Oh yeah! > having totally missed lunch, he found an extremely > surprising sight waiting for him. > He backed out of the room and closed the door; when he > turned around he stopped breathing for a moment and almost > dropped dead in his tracks. TOM: *Again* with the qualifications. Dare to achieve, Ben! > Two beautiful, and totally naked, women were standing in > the hallway. They weren't doing much of anything; just > standing. CROW: Better and better! > Somewhere in the back of his head he could hear > guitars... > > <> MIKE: He has his own private soundtrack? TOM: Well, now we know what a man who has it all gets next. > > He recognized them, of course he recognized them, MIKE: Eleanor Roosevelt and Lady Bird Johnson! > but > what the hell were they doing there? He turned around-- > The door was gone. Momentarily panicked, he grabbed for > the doorknob; the wall melted away and he was inside the > station again. It had recognized him as its operator. CROW: Of course... can't have other people horning in on his magic computer. TOM: Which all he really did was find first. > He logged in and did a "what gryphon"--and received the > following message: > > USER PROC# TIME TTY IDLE JOB > gryphon 4432 17:38 8E ps > gryphon 19553 17:38 8E sh > gryphon 3180 17:38 8E grep > gryphon 1010 17:38 8E tcsh TOM: And if we knew UNIX, this might mean something! > > gryphon 22067 17:58 8D 4:15 fbps > gryphon 1009 17:58 8D :05 tcsh CROW: Ladies and gentlemen, technobabble for hackers. > > Ben called up the uncompiled code and found the line: > Clothing=$null /*conflicting data, clothing dropped*/ > Which he quickly changed to Clothing=$WWWAuniforms in both > kei.cluless and yuri.cluless. > > What do we do next, Doctor? A:> kill -9 22067 > [22067] Killed > What do we do next, Doctor? A:> kill -9 1009 MIKE: *Another* command line? TOM: Well, you don't expect him to leave after only killing 22067, do you? > [1009] Killed > What do we do next, Doctor? A:> CROW: A real slaughter of the innocents, huh? MIKE: I don't think that's quite what he did. CROW: I should be glad. > > Maybe that will do it, he thought as he logged out and > left the station. > They were still there; now, though, they were moving. TOM: Moving away from him, true, but they were moving... > And they were clothed in V-cut shorts, high-collared, open- > fronted halter tops, and tall boots. CROW: So... He didn't bother to say what they looked like, but then described their clothing in great detail? MIKE: That has connotations I don't want to think about. CROW: That's why you've got me. > The hung fbps job had > held them there, unmoving; now they were freed. TOM: But alas, we all remain within chains of our own making. > Without realizing what he was doing, Ben had created the > world's first artificial life, CLULESSly compiling a .gif > file and generating a life form with the absolute statistics > of the .gif's subject. CROW: So what are you going to do with the rest of the day? > CLULESS's designer didn't realize it > could do that, MIKE: So it's entirely a happy accident. TOM: That's the best kind. > but then, he designed a programming language > called CLULESS, so how brilliant could he have been? CROW: Look, Ben. *You* create a language that can do that, and you can give it whatever cool name you like! MIKE: Well, John Todd's learned his lesson for the day. > The red-haired one TOM: Clarrissa MacDougall! > fixed him with a clear brown-eyed > gaze and said forcefully, "Anta wa dareda?!" > To which Ben replied articulately, "Huh?" > "Kore wa nani o shimasu ka?" the other CROW: "The other..." Well, we've identified his main squeeze. > chimed in. > "Uh...look...I don't speak Japanese..." CROW: And what were they just saying, hmm? TOM: Do you read phonetic Japanese, Crow? CROW: Not really. I'm imagining it to be a sardonic comment on his appearance. > Ben backed > through the portal to 8thdimension again and called up the > uncompiled source code for them, which was now split into two > files and overloading his directory bigtime. CROW: Oh, who cares about directories? He's got *girls!* > He searched the > one entitled kei.cluless frantically, searching for > something, anything, that--AHA! The string there, > LANG=$Japanese. TOM: A *dubbed* self-insertion fanfic? Tch, tch. > That looked promising. He changed it to > $English, then changed his mind and changed it to > $AmericanGeneric. MIKE: Thereby tragically missing his chance to anticipate the Tomb Raider phenomena of "busty women in skimpy outfits with guns and English accents" half a decade before it started. TOM: Not that he didn't try to cash in on it later, with Neon Exodus Evangelion. CROW: Now *there* was a self-insertion worthy of the name! > He altered yuri.cluless the same way, and > then logged out yet again. MIKE: He left out the part where he set the "fall for first man they see" flag to "$Yes." CROW: I guess we were meant to assume it. > When he exited, he was met by a long string of > questions--but they were all in AmericanGeneric, a language > he could understand. MIKE: [Minnewegian] So, if they were speakin' in some hilarious local dialect, he wouldn't have followed 'em, eh? CROW: [Minnewegian] Sure looks that way, ya know. > He weathered the storm, waited for his > "guests" to calm, and then said evenly and diplomatically, TOM: He's calm and collected; they're confused and panicky. CROW: He's the self-insertion character. *They're* merely fictional. > "My name is Hutchins. Benjamin D. Hutchins. TOM: [Ben] Licensed to swing. > You can call me > Ben. CROW: [Ben] Some people call me the gangster of love. > You're Kei," he said, pointing, "and you're Yuri. MIKE: You know, Ben, usually you can let people introduce themselves. > I > don't know how you got here, really." He shrugged and > opened his arms wide in a gesture of benediction. TOM: The service is over! Huzzah! CROW: Fan service, maybe. Self service... sorry. > "Welcome > to WPI!" TOM: [ominous] Welcome to your worst nightmare. > > > > The Battle of DAKA----------------------------------------TWO > > "What happened to your last fryboy?" > "Fired. Thirty seconds under the broiler and he was > done to perfection." > --Nutrimancer > > MegaZone, ReRob, Q (aka Macquivr), Kevin Tefft, and Rob > Crocker were sitting around in the Wedge when the glass doors > from the Quad opened up and Ben walked in. TOM: And the studio audience goes wild! > He had on his > face the biggest, smuggest, most shit-eating grin any of them > had ever seen--and it was Wednesday, too, which made it > awfully hard for them to take. MIKE: After all--who ever heard of an epic-- TOM: --of self-indulgence-- MIKE: [slightly annoyed] --starting on a Wednesday? > "What're you smiling at?" ReRob asked. > "I did something impossible this morning," he replied. CROW: [Ben] And it made me a man! > > <> [The final guitar twang from the theme song echoes through the theatre.] MIKE: Magic Voice? MAGIC VOICE: You guys could use a little help every once in a while. > > Just about then, Kei and Yuri walked into the Wedge > behind him. > There were four seconds of dead silence. TOM: Well, so much for the studio audience. > Crocker, > MegaZone, and Q went deathly pale; Kevin looked up, shrugged, > and went back to reading; ReRob tipped his hat full and > ornate. CROW: Good to see *somebody* appreciates his achievement. > Then seven words forced themselves out of MegaZone's > nearly terror-paralyzed throat: "My God, we're all going to > die." > "Baaah?" said Q. > "Um," said Crocker. > "So?" said ReRob. > "Hmmph," said Kevin. MIKE: The dialogue doesn't so much crackle as... CROW: It doesn't snap or pop, either. TOM: It just takes on milk. > "Uh, Ben...we need to talk." MegaZone looked worried > about something. > "Later, later. Much as I hate to do this--it's DAKA > time..." CROW: If you've done an impossible thing this morning, why not top it off with DAKA? TOM: Whatever *that* is. > He turned and headed for the cafeteria, giving the > assembled Wedge Rats a jaunty wave; then he noticed that Kei > and Yuri were following him. > "Why are you following me?" MIKE: Confused and disturbed, two female anime characters obsessively follow a man who brought them into a world they never made, a man who can't believe his luck. Think about it, won't you? Good night. > "Lack of anything better to do?" Yuri suggested. TOM: Oh, there has to be better things to do on a campus than hang around the man who called you into existence. CROW: Such as? TOM: Well... They could head to the women's studies department, and organise a protest about the treatment of unattached women in self-insertion fanfics. > "Actually, I'm hungry," said Kei. MIKE: Call me crazy, but I'm tempted to predict a campus food joke. TOM: It's so crazy, it just might happen. > "Oh." Ben shrugged and led the way into DAKA. CROW: [Ben] It's your funeral. > His ID > card was presented, slotted, and pinged; TOM: It's the machine that goes ping! > he took it back and > stepped aside. > "ID, please--gah!" said the young Pascal student as he > saw Yuri. TOM: Today's special--blood pudding! > "Oh, by the way, you don't mind if these lovely young > ladies eat with me tonight, do you? No, I didn't think so," > said Ben rapidly. CROW: Ah... He's warming up his ability to charm, influence, mould, and control. > "Come on," he said, indicating for them to > follow him into the food line. > He noticed immediately that the dining hall had become > almost silent. MIKE: Time for the big musical number! > Everyone but the most oblivious had stopped > eating and was just staring, including the entrees. The > staring continued until the three of them vanished into the > kitchen. > "Oh, hey, it's just like WWWA Academy food," said Kei. TOM: Which could lead to a fascinating exploration of just what went into her red-haired head, and speculations as how that might affect her, but never mind: we've got injokes to get back to! > "What're they having tonight?" > "Uh...Unidentifiable Red Stuff DuJour," said Ben, > peering at the vat. MIKE: One order of predictability, coming right up! > "Great! I really missed this stuff. I'll have some of > that." > The DAKA attendant, totally unfazed, plopped some of the > wriggling mass onto her plate. CROW: [announcer voice] When you want it really, really, *really* fresh... > Ben and Yuri, being of more > sensible casts, chose the Amazing DAKABurger (put it on a > bun, it's hamburger. With mushroom gravy, it's Salisbury > steak. Bleach it and it's chicken--or, with tartar sauce, > fish!). MIKE: Chop it up, it's insulation! CROW: Liquefy it, it's paint! TOM: Freeze it, it's a doorstop! > (No one is quite sure what it is, exactly; most people > refer to it as DAKAbeast. The general consensus is that they > would rather not know what it is.) TOM: Mmm... Soylent Green. > > Silence descended like a core dump MIKE: Good thing we had a core dump recently, so we know what it was like. CROW: There was a core dump, and you didn't *tell* us? MIKE: [sighs] > on DAKA once again > as they emerged from the kitchen; they started working their > way toward the windows, where there was an empty table, when > Guyblood jumped to his feet, doing an "I'm cool, I'm > decisive, I'm leaving DAKA," just as Kei was behind him with > her tray. CROW: [goofy] They're on a collision course with wackiness! > With a tremendous CRASH Guyblood's back slammed the tray > food-side-up into Kei's chest. TOM: Ah, what mighty oaks from little acorns grow. > Unidentifiable Red Stuff > DuJour cascaded down her invisible pyroplastic lamination, > and some of it splattered on her face and hair. CROW: Right in the muffin tray! > "Hey!" she shouted, smacking him in the back with the > tray. MIKE: Right in the Salisbury steak! > "Watch it, you moron!" The impact knocked the already > unbalanced Guyblood face-first into Jeremy's tray, > splattering U.R.S.DuJ. all over him as well. TOM: Right in the cauliflower! > Jeremy replied > with an ill-aimed glass of orange stuff that struck the Sig > Ep at the next table. MIKE: Right in the creamed corn! > And so on, and so on, and so on. CROW: I tip my hat to the choreographer. MIKE: You don't wear a hat. CROW: Well, then, I tip my head. [tips head] > "I think we'd better get out of here," Ben announced, > and started edging toward the back exit, near the cereal. > Kei and Yuri, being somewhat sensible, tried their best to > follow, but from the direction of the salad bar came a > flying, razor-edged DAKA spoon. MIKE: I've heard of deadly sporks, but this is ridiculous. > It slammed into the wall > inches from Kei's right ear, snipping off a chunk of fiery > red hair, then vibrated softly (wub wub wub). > "HEY!" she bellowed, momentarily halting the action in > the dining hall. Her eyes narrowed; she went for her > laser... TOM: [Kei] You can steal my money, slander my name, grab my boyfriend--but *nobody* messes with the hair! > > <> CROW: Ah... it's the Undocumented Features playlist. TOM: Collect the whole set. > > In the Wedge, MegaZone, et al., heard the escalating > chaos, but chose to ignore it. MIKE: They can live a food fight vicariously through fictional characters. > Suddenly, a thought occurred > to MegaZone. He looked up from the printout he was perusing > and said, "Uh...they didn't have their guns with them, did > they?" > Crocker thought for a second, then said, "No, I don't > think so." > ZARK! MIKE: So much for Crocker's credibility. TOM: He's Confused, I'll remind you. > A charred body, still venting CROW: That's an angry, angry body. > sparkles of energy, ALL: [make "ooh," "ahh" sounds] > was > catapulted out of the DAKA exit, slammed into the airlock, > and slid down. A man in a chef's hat darted out and dragged > it back in. TOM: [goofy chef accent] We eat well tonight! CROW: DAKA--You kill 'em, we grill 'em! > "We're safe out here, though, aren't we?" asked Q. > "Yeah," said MegaZone. "'Long as they don't have any > mini-grenades." > Suddenly he realized what he had said; MIKE: He's got a problem with foreshadowing, doesn't he? > his eyes widened > and the entire Wedge crew, screaming as one, charged in an > amorphous mass CROW: Delicious Wedge crew jelly! > out of the Wedge and into the Quad. > Flashes of laser fire could be seen through the dining > hall windows; they were increasing in intensity, TOM: [falsetto] Once you start killing people, it's hard to know where to stop... > and > occasionally people, charred or just bruised, TOM: Aah, plenty more where that came from. > would be > catapulted out of the window near the salad bar. Amazingly, > none of the other windows were broken. MIKE: You know, there's a thin line between cleverness and contrivance. > "Ok, head count," Crocker announced, his ROTC training > coming to the fore. "Zoner, me, CROW: He mentioned Zoner first. TOM: It's another perk. > Q, Kevin, ReRob...where's > ReRob?" > "OH NO!" The Wedge Rats turned and started hollering at > the Wedge. "REROB! GET OUT! GET OUTTA THERE! REEROOOBB!" > ReRob looked up, wondering what all the noise was. MIKE: What refreshing stupidity. > There was a blinding flash behind the dining hall > windows; then, with an incredibly picturesque KERBLAMMO!, CROW: Picturesque noise! They're really pushing the envelope here. > the > entire dining hall exploded. > The Wedge Rats dropped face-down to the Quad as chunks > of brick, tables, and frat brothers flew over them in the > lazily tumbling anime style. TOM: Now I get it! They saved their pennies on all the directory listings and intact windows to animate this setpiece! > There were four or five > secondary explosions, and then the entire gutted structure > collapsed into itself. Along with it went that entire end of > Morgan Hall, tumbling down into the wreckage, except for the > end of the fourth floor hallway, which, by some incredible > piece of luck, remained hanging over the rubble zone. MIKE: Wait for it... This is significant somehow. > > <> > (wub wub wub) CROW: Hmm? TOM: Maybe they still couldn't save enough to keep their sound editor. > > The Wedge Rats stood up; MegaZone removed his Rho Alpha > Tau cap and placed it over his heart. MIKE: A moment of silence, please. CROW: During which, we hear the soundtrack clearly enough to justify including the latest song. > No way had Ben > survived that. ReRob maybe, there was still hope, but Ben > was undoubtedly flat. Such, he thought, was the price of his > folly, bringing the Dirty Pair into the world. TOM: Hey... This story isn't half bad! I mean, Ben has been conclusively punished for his hubris... MIKE: I think you just jinxed it. > A chunk of rubble, not far from one of the small and > lazily burning aftermath fires, shifted and crashed aside. > The sky rumbled and split and it started raining heavily. TOM: And *here* we see if the Wedge Rats have enough sense to come in out of the rain. > Then a silver-gloved fist smashed some of the rubble aside > and, coughing and choking, Kei stood up, then hauled Yuri to > her feet. Ben scrambled out from under the wreckage as well. MIKE: He survived an explosion that knocked *chunks* of frat brothers over the heads of the Rats? TOM: He *is* the main character. > "Oh, wonderful shooting," said Ben sarcastically, > brushing off his overcoat. (wub wub wub) ALL: [singing] (la-la-la-la) > "It's not my fault," Kei replied defensively. "He threw > a spoon at me!" (wub wub wub) TOM: The Spoon Defence: Less well-known than the Twinkie Defence, but ultimately just as effective. > "Yeah," Yuri said, "but everything was under control > until you put the laser bolt into the Jell-O."' CROW: He who controls the Jell-O controls the world! > "I must agree," said Ben, "putting excited photons into > DAKA Jell-O is a big mistake. Experimental evidence would > seem to bear that out." (wub wub wub) TOM: [Ben] Let's try it again, and make sure! > The door to the Wedge on the Daniels side creaked, > clattered, then fell out and shattered on the steps, the > metal frame tumbling into the street. ReRob looked down at > the mess in a bemused fashion, CROW: Oh, that wacky destruction! > then shrugged and stepped > down, heading across toward the other Wedge Rats. He was > unscathed. (wub wub wub) MIKE: Maybe the reverb's supposed to indicate a joke. TOM: And it's funny! Because it's... contrived... > "ReRob! You're ok!" said Crocker. > "Spiking the p-field again," MegaZone muttered. CROW: [muttering] Dropping in random injokes... > Ben, Kei, and Yuri were still arguing about whose fault > it was; Kei had brought up Yuri's firing at the salad bar as > a possible cause, although Ben claimed the Italian dressing > wasn't as volatile as the Jell-O, especially the lime, which > had been the Jell-O DuJour. TOM: [Ben] Really--it's not an experiment unless it's repeatable! > It may have even been the > explosive decompression of the ice cream machine. CROW: They all screamed for ice cream! > A brick cracked loose from the hanging chunk of Morgan > Hall and narrowly missed killing Ben. TOM: Take heart, Ben! Your invincibility is not a sudden thing! > He glanced up, his > train of thought derailed, MIKE: And it took such a long time boarding at the station, too. > to see the overhanging piece of > building start to break free. (wub wub wub) > "SHIT!" he screamed, and started running for the Quad. > Kei and Yuri easily outran him, TOM: Good for them! > especially since he tripped > on an indestructible DAKA tray TOM: Bah! There's always a qualification. > and fell flat on his face in > the rubble, stunned. CROW: Even after it's been reduced to a pile of rubble, DAKA is the food services outlet that keeps on hurting. > Kei heard him hit the ground and > skidded to a halt, turned, and bodily hauled his entire 100- > kilo mass out into the street. (wub wub wub) MIKE: Did that reverb mean they're making fun of Kei helping him? TOM: Perhaps... perhaps. > He regained enough sense to stumble to his feet and get > halfway across the Quad before the final CRACK echoed across > campus. (wub wub wub) > He turned to see the chunk of Morgan Hall hanging in the > air; TOM: And put up one of those tiny cartoon umbrellas. > then it broke free completely and slowly fell from its > perch. It started to rotate, but before it could, it smashed > into the rubble of the caf and the bottom two layers of dorm. > "My room!" Ben screamed as it hit. (wub wub wub) CROW: It's always about him, isn't it? > Amazingly, the piece of dorm didn't shatter into a > thousand and one pieces the instant it slammed into the rest > of the rubble; instead, it bounced once and settled, more or > less even and more or less intact. (wub wub wub) TOM: Okay, the plot contrivance meter just pegged on high. MIKE: I have a feeling we'll have to recalibrate several times before the end of the story. > Ben charged across the rubble, heedless of the bad > footing, found the opening to the hallway, and entered; the > building had broken off just before his room and the wall of > the room beside it was still there, posters and all. He > fumbled for his keys, dropped them, recovered them, and > opened his door. (wub wub wub) TOM: Comedy! CROW: You find comedy in a young man struggling to open his door? TOM: There was the reverb. CROW: Good point. > The room was a little more tumbled than usual, but > everything was intact; even the fish tank was undamaged. The > power was even still on, although how that could be he wasn't > quite sure. (wub wub wub) CROW: Even Ben's possessions are blessed! MIKE: And he's more concerned with them than with the people immolated in the cafeteria. > Satisfied, he closed the door and left. He'd clean up > later. (wub wub wub) CROW: We probably would have got the point without the reverb. > "Well, you're closer to the Wedge now," said ReRob. MIKE: And the reverb's finally stopped. TOM: Everybody's a winner! > > (As it turned out, that was not to be; although the crater > that had been DAKA was sealed under a titanium sheath MIKE: I guess that surcharge on their tuition was useful after all. > to > prevent toxic contamination, Ben's room was reattached and > the entire north end of Morgan Hall repaired that afternoon > by overeager Civil students from Kaven Hall.) TOM: Wait a minute... Ben lost! CROW: Now *there's* a plot twist! > > > > Handle With Care--------------------------------------------e TOM: Just when you thought these chapters couldn't get any more irrational... > > "Remember--lightest touch counts!" > --The Pioneer Valley > Combat Club CROW: But I thought all was fair in love and war. > > Later that evening, in the still-intact-if-slightly- > rubble-littered Wedge, an evening of standard Wedging around > was taking place. MIKE: Isn't anybody going to investigate the giant campus explosion? TOM: The Wedge's reputation precedes it. > Ben was taking a particular interest in > the boffa-weapon combat taking place; Zoner against Erik > Swimm, and Zoner was winning quite handily. CROW: Oh, of course he is... > (Actually, he > was winning around half the time, MIKE: Interesting... Who wants to guess that Ben and ReRob added that little touch to the story? > but inflicting more damage > in every combat.) TOM: It looks like he made it back to the keyboard, though. > "Whose folder is this?" asked Kei, poking him in the > shoulder and indicating a blue folder lying on the Wedge > table. > "Dunno...I think it's Vaughn's. He's been looking for > it, as I recall..." > Just then, Vaughn entered the Wedge in his standard > garb; jeans, sneakers, t-shirt. TOM: "I'm With Stupid." > "Morning. How's life. > Anyone seen my blue folder?" > "Yeah, it's--?" The folder was gone. CROW: I've heard of bad continuity, but this is ridiculous. > "Hmm?" > "Uh...never mind." > "Oh. Well, it must be in the next one over then." For > an instant, it seemed that he flickered, like a TV when > lightning strikes nearby. TOM: Oh, just adjust his antenna for him. > If Ben had blinked, he would've > missed it. "Well," said Vaughn, "since no one has seen it, > I guess I'll just go back to E7, take out my eyes, and become > unconscious. Good night..." MIKE: He said "morning" not two minutes ago. TOM: Hey--short day. > "'Night, Vaughn," Ben called as Vaughn padded out. > "Hmm?" Kei peered at Vaughn as he left, treading > unconcernedly upon the floor in his bare feet, and then > turned to Ben. "Wasn't he wearing shoes when he came in?" MIKE: [motherly] That boy would lose his head if it wasn't attached... > "What?" > "Never mind..." > "Dunno..." Suddenly, on an impulse, TOM: Oh, he just didn't want to explain the latest injoke. > Ben jumped up, > shucked his overcoat, and entered the Wedge floor, CROW: ...Just as the disco lights switched on... > calling > for Erik to toss him the boffa-dagger, which he did. > Ben had been practicing for some time; he was a fairly > decent fighter now. He was holding his own against MegaZone > in what was a desperate combat to say the least. MIKE: Just flip a coin and get it over with, okay? > And then a > voice rang across the Wedge, clear as a bell: > "Zoner!" > MegaZone turned, held a hand for pause, and tossed his > boffa-dagger to Kei. TOM: All right! Kei's going to take her revenge! MIKE: Well, considering what kind of fanfic this is-- TOM: Mike, all I wanted was to be happily deluded for a few seconds. And you won't even let me be that! > > <> > > Ben saw his life flash before him CROW: [Ben] I'm too *me* to die! > with the initial > touch; then all his thoughts were based on defense against a > trained and practiced onslaught of PVC, foam, and duct tape. MIKE: Aggressive plumbing supplies. Now I've seen everything. > He ducked sideways, then performed a nifty tuck under the > hissing arc of her boffa-dagger; popping back to his feet, he > swept his own weapon around in a slash of his own. Boffa- > dagger met boffa-dagger. TOM: Boffa-dagger, meet boffa-dagger. CROW: Charmed. > Damn, she's fast, thought Ben as he > desperately parried a blinding series of attacks. There's > got to be a weakness somewhere. CROW: [Ben] And if there isn't one, I'll write it in... > He weaved across the Wedge, blocking and dodging, the > jeers of his fellow Wedge Rats echoing in his ears. TOM: That's what you have to love about these fanfics--the constant ego boosting. > He > ducked behind one of the columns, then did something > extremely sneaky; he kept the pillar between himself and Kei. CROW: Wow! He could give Stormin' Norman lessons in tactics! > She couldn't get eyes on him for the life of her; it was as > though he had disappeared. TOM: He's *behind the pillar!* How hard is it to figure that out? MIKE: His radiance must have increased to blinding levels. > Then he reversed the direction of his travel around the > pillar, climbed onto one of the Wedge trash barrels, swept > the dagger in a great sweep, and tapped the point to Kei's > back, just between the shoulder blades. TOM: I call NO WAY! Some ordinary joe of a college student defeats a WWWA troubleshooter the first time he fights her? CROW: Well, he did do something extremely sneaky. TOM: Keeping a pillar between himself and Kei? Big deal. I can do that. CROW: Well, maybe you can be a self-insertion character yourself. TOM: Hey! MIKE: Easy, you two. > She turned around and grinned. "Cheap trick," she said. > "Effective, but cheap." CROW: [Ben] Impressive, too, huh? Please say impressive. > "Uh, Ben? Could I have a word with you?" MegaZone said. > "Sure," Ben replied. "Yuri! Catch." He tossed her the > boffa-dagger CROW: [Ben] Try and beat Kei that easily. I think you'll be... impressed. > and followed MegaZone out by the mailboxes. > "What's up, Zoner?" > "You've got to get them out of here," MegaZone said > urgently. "Now." > "What? Why?" CROW: [Zoner] I'm jealous. > "You read the book. TOM: [Ben] Well, actually I was waiting for the movie. > Everywhere they go, everyone dies." > "You die...she dies...evvverybody dies..." > "Stop it! You're not Ard, Ard is my roommate. MIKE: I wish I knew these people. CROW: Why? You want a piece of the action too? MIKE: No! It's so I can get more than half of what they're saying. > Seriously, I don't want to die just yet. I don't care how > good-looking they are, I! don't! want! to! die!" > "Zoner, you're overreacting. We're not going to die." MIKE: [Ben] We're alive where so many others have died--we're fine! > Ben turned and started heading back to the Wedge. "You worry > too much. Besides, there aren't any space stations around." CROW: So *we* should be worried? > "You don't understand," MegaZone cried, following him. > "You're going to get us all killed!" TOM: [Ben] Here, why don't I introduce you to Yuri, and shut you up... > "I don't think so...somehow, I don't think so...just... > trust me on this, will you? MIKE: If you can't trust a self-insertion, who can you trust? > I have a feeling about this." > "Yeah, it's called lust--" CROW: Zing! Hit the nail right on the head. > "Oh, come on! You wound me, you really do. Take thy > beak from out my heart." TOM: The bon mots never cease around here! MIKE: It's like the Algonquin Round Table, only with more ego. > He turned again and went to the > gweepery. CROW: So get thee to a gweepery! > Wonder of wonders, an open terminal. TOM: Miracles never cease around here, do they? > He sat down and > logged in; a few moments later he sensed a presence, over his > shoulder, watching. CROW: Creepy. Don't turn around... > He looked back; CROW: NO! Don't turn around! > Kei was standing behind > him, looking at the monitor. CROW: Nuts. > "What's up?" he asked, returning to his gweeping. CROW: Ben doesn't let much stand between him and his gweeping, huh? MIKE: Whatever "gweeping" is. > "Not much," Kei replied. "Yuri's fighting with MegaZone > and I got bored. Figured I'd come out here and see what you > were up to." MIKE: Is watching somebody type an antidote for boredom? CROW: Hey--it's *Ben* typing! > "He's gweeping," said Guyblood from the other terminal. > "That's all he ever does. He has no life." > A look of outrage formed on Kei's face; CROW: [Kei] You didn't have to *tell* me! > with one arm she > heaved Rick bodily from his seat, turning him and yanking his > face right into hers. TOM: [Ben] Why can't *I* be that lucky? > "Now look, buddy," she said dangerously, "I don't know > where you get off passing judgement like that, CROW: [Kei] That's *my* job! > but it doesn't > seem to me you have much more of a life than he does--" TOM: But unfortunately, she's just passed her own judgment. > "Oh, thanks a lot, Kei," Ben muttered, smacking the > Return key a little harder than necessary. CROW: Now what did that Return key ever do to you? MIKE: I guess he does expect his computers to be well-built. > "--and if it weren't for him gweeping, as you put it, I > wouldn't even be here right now!" CROW: And Rick would be grateful. > She shook him rather > violently. "I ought to kill you right here and now, just for > the mess you caused in DAKA, you miserable little--" CROW: She was the one who started shooting. TOM: Ah, but it's *never* their fault. > "Uh, Kei?" Ben said, getting up and managing to maneuver > past his seat in the crowded gweepery.Z. > "What?!" > "He passed out about five seconds ago." TOM: [Ben] And you've added enough insult to injury, so... > "Oh." Mildly peeved at not having been able to complete > her lecture, Kei dumped Rick unceremoniously back in his > seat. "How did he get out of that explosion anyway?" MIKE: He's a friend of Ben. CROW: More or less. > "Idunno. But I do know a true gweep," Ben grinned, > looking at Rick's unconscious form and still-logged-in > terminal, "would never pass up this opportunity." CROW: Uh... Please tell me this has to do with the terminal. > Hosehosehosebashbashbash. > "There, that ought to keep him wondering for a few > years," said Ben with a smile. He logged himself out, but > left Rick on, so he wouldn't be suspicious. TOM: Really? Rick comes to with his terminal still running, and he won't expect anything? CROW: Well, only a *true* gweep would never pass up the opportunity. > Nothing in his > homedir looked different, but... MIKE: Isn't this a high-tech version of egging somebody's locker? CROW: Oh, I'm sure Ben would expect the same thing to happen to him should a buxom anime female shake him unconscious while he was logged in. > "What time is it anyway?" Kei asked him. He noticed > with some measure of surprise that, sometime while he was > hosing Guyblood's account, she had taken up a new position, TOM: Fist poised at the back of his neck... > leaning, arms crossed, on the back of his shoulders, her chin > on the top of his head. He wondered, idly, what the hell > for? MIKE: I'm getting the idea this Ben guy is a couple of strings short of the Christmas decorating prize, if you get my drift... > "Uh..." He checked his watch. "Three-fifteen in the Oh > my God, what are we doing up this late 'ning." > "The what?" > "The Oh my God, what are we doing up this late 'ning. > From two to six AM. CROW: He's actually *explaining* his latest catchphrase? MIKE: He must be trying to impress her with his erudition. CROW: You do kind of assume that first part after a while. > The other time periods are morning, six > to ten, midday, ten to two, afternoon, two to six, evening, > six to ten, and gweepning, ten to two." TOM: What about "brillig?" > "Oh." > Ben returned to the Wedge. Zoner and Yuri were sitting > in the corner of one of the booths, discussing something; > Zoner was using his hands to describe motions, CROW: ...Although the way Zoner kept pointing at him left Ben somehow worried. > which led Ben > to believe he was recounting some sort of adventure, probably > involving a death defying drive in the Daytona from Hell, MIKE: Good thing they do have Kei and Yuri now. It looks like Zoner was sinking into an existentialist pool of despair and ennui from which only the fear of death could rouse him. TOM: And this is different from what's happening now *how?* > while Yuri listened attentively, pausing every now and then > to laugh politely. TOM: It's the little things that tell us Yuri's falling for Zoner. CROW: It's got to be better than Ben getting both of them. MIKE: But why? What's Zoner done? TOM: Well, he beat up somebody with a foam sword. CROW: And he was nervous when first introduced to the Pair. You can't fake that kind of concern! > "I," Ben announced upon reaching the Wedge, "am very, > very tired. I got up and studied for that Pascal test-- CROW: [Ben] At least, I tried... Well, I spent all day in the computer lab! But that's *practically* studying! > which, incidentally, I boned badly, for anyone who cares-- TOM: [muffled voice] I don't. > this morning at eight. It is now three-fifteen. I am > therefore going to bed." > "Then what are we going to do?" Yuri asked him. TOM: Leave! Run free! Live your own life-- MIKE: Sorry, Tom. > In a startling case of parallel development, both he and > MegaZone considered for a moment; then each decided his > budding friendship with them was solid enough to try a silly, > joking innuendo. > "Come with me," they both said, and started for the > exits. CROW: Ah, here's where the comical red handprints are printed on their faces... > To their and everyone else in the Wedge's extremely > incredible surprise, Kei and Yuri looked at each other, > shrugged, split up, and followed. CROW: *Yikes!* Are we supposed to chuckle knowingly at the contrivance, or just applaud their personal magnetism? MIKE: One way or another, it was inevitable. > Let me tell you, there were some turned heads on Morgan > 4th that night. > > <> > > Ben couldn't keep the grin off his face as he walked > down the hallway toward his room, noting with detached > interest the skill with which the dorm had been Krazy Glued MIKE: And duct taped. Don't forget the duct tape. CROW: [gruff] It's the handyman's secret weapon. > back together by the Civils. (They had been practicing long > and hard for a day like this.) TOM: His good deed for the day, I see. > Luckily (or unluckily, depending on your point of view), CROW: Well, it *is* pretty clear this isn't a lemon. > his sleeping bag was not of the normal variety; CROW: It's one of those goofy cartoon clams! MIKE: Whatever it was, it saved him having to make a bed. TOM: His time's valuable, I'll have you know. > if one were > to fully unzip it, it became two separate parts, both of > which could then be zipped into a separate sleeping bag. > After performing said operation with precision, MIKE: Heaven forbid he do anything sloppily... > Ben > flopped half of it onto the floor and kicked off his shoes. > An argument ensued over "no, I insist" and "no, it's your > room," but in the end, he managed to talk Kei into taking the > bed. TOM: No big problem, actually. He's likely sleeping on a pile of dirty clothing as soft as the mattress. > He put out the light, crawled into the bag, made himself > as comfortable as one can be with clothes on, and drifted off > to sleep, thinking about what a fincredible day he'd had. MIKE: Why, he got up early in the morning! > > Zoner, meanwhile, walked into E7 with a nonchalant grin. > Nobody in the apartment even questioned where she came from; > those who knew, knew, and those who didn't, didn't want to. CROW: Sex change operations *can* be unsettling and disturbing. > The only comment that was made was the one Chris Smith > screamed toward the ceiling: > "VAUGHN!!!!" TOM: Vaughn strikes again... with whatever he did. CROW: Actually, Mike, I'm starting to think knowing these people would explain a few things. > > > > Coyle Spring--------------------------------------------THREE > > "Claustrophobic? Hey, do you want a punch in the face > or something? I've never even LOOKED at another guy!" > --Casey Jones > > THURSDAY 3 OCTOBER 1991 > > It was a normal Thursday morning in the Wedge save for a > couple of factors: one, it was Career Day, so there were no > classes, and two, there could be no such thing as a normal > morning anymore. TOM: Don't you just love it when they contradict themselves by the end of the sentence and have a good time doing it? > Hanging around the Wedge that fine morning > (technically midday, since it was eleven-thirty) MIKE: Ah, yes... These are the people who make an art out of slicing the day up into fine portions. CROW: Not that they squeeze those fine portions to live every second to the fullest, of course. > were pfloyd, > Crocker, Jay Phelps, and Erik Swimm. Crocker was explaining > with violent hand motions and lots of shouting CROW: Plus a flannelgraph and a set of slides. > what pfloyd > had missed, being an off-campus student and all, while the > latter sat taking everything in with a slack jaw. TOM: [pfloyd] I've got to humour him... He's getting scary! > "I don't befuckinglieve it," he mumbled as Crocker > finished up his tale of amazingness and woe. CROW: The woe part, of course, being that Kei and Yuri were dibsed by the time Crocker could break out his pickup lines. > "And to make things even better," said Rob, "he hasn't > come down yet!" MIKE: He will *not* be the next contestant on "The Price Is Right." > "That's not unusual," pfloyd replied, checking his > watch. "It's only eleven-thirty--he doesn't get up until at > least noon." MIKE: Ben sleeps late, spends all day in the computer labs, stays up late... and he wonders why he does so badly on tests? TOM: Unfortunately, that's common among college students. > SKWEEEEEKrrkkkweequeRUNK--wheeet!whio thud. TOM: Undocumented Features--classic of self-insertion; textbook of onomatopoeia. > > <> > > Ben wandered into the Wedge, wearing the same clothes he > had on the day before and thoroughly wrinkled. CROW: "Thoroughly wrinkled?" Did he wind up sleeping in a full bathtub or something? MIKE: I think we're supposed to take his clothes as a given. CROW: Yeah, but the technical skill is so high that I have to take whatever opportunities they give me. > He looked > annoyingly pleased with himself. > "Hey," said Phelps, and the Wedge Rats saw Ben visibly > wince. He knew something tasteless was coming. He held up > his hand for a warning-- CROW: Because the *world* deserves to hear this tasteless comment! > SKWEEEEEKrrkkkweequeRUNK--wheeet!whio thud. MIKE: Ah, the joys of cut and paste. > "How was she?" > ZARK. > "Fully clothed," said Kei CROW: I dunno... From what I've heard of their uniforms, they don't leave much to the imagination... > with a cruel grin as she > stepped around the corner, returning her smoking laser to its > holster. TOM: Remember, lasers don't kill people--tasteless comments kill people. > Phelps slumped to the Wedge floor, his idiot grin > permanently fixed to his face. CROW: Looks like *some*body was working through some aggression here. > Moments later, a man in a > chef's hat ran from the mailboxes, grabbed him, and dragged > him away. MIKE: Okay, the first time was sort of funny. Now it's getting weird. > "Hey!" said Crocker. "That can't be--DAKA is > destroyed!" > "Wait a minute, Rob," said pfloyd, rising to his feet. > "You've forgotten something." > "What?" TOM: A dark secret society seeking a fresh body to sacrifice? CROW: A professor looking for a way to spice up his anatomy class? MIKE: A fraternity hoping to play an elaborate gag that's bound to turn into an urban legend? > "Founders." TOM: Oh. An injoke. CROW: We should have guessed. > "Right, men! We've a job to do. A duty to perform!" > Crocker dug into his duffel bag and hefted his M-16A1 magic > wand. TOM: Let me guess... He waves it at a professor, and his grades improve in a puff of smoke. > "On to honor! On to glory! On to Founders DAKA!" > And the Wedge Commandos retrieved their weapons from beneath > the Wedge bench and trooped out. MIKE: Man, throw two battle-happy WWWA troubleshooters into the mix, and suddenly everybody's a homicidal maniac. > "Weird," said Ben, slumping into a booth. "Whattaweek." CROW: Especially since the high strangeness only started on Wednesday. TOM: Right now, living without Kei is strange enough for him. > At about that time, MIKE: A couple of seconds before, actually--but what Ben said was important enough to mention! > with a tremendous crash of glass and > metal and a shout of consternation, a bunch of big guys in > windbreakers hurled ReRob through the airlock. CROW: That's gotta sting. > "," said he, picking himself up, he was speechless. MIKE: Well, not quite. He said a comma. > The four guys shouted in unison "This is your last > warning!", CROW: The local loan collection agency visits WPI. > turned, and marched away. The backs of their > jackets said "KSNP". TOM: Monogrammed windbreakers--you *know* they're evil. > "Uh, ReRob--who was that?" inquired Ben. > "Uh, like have some intense hatred?" spewed Q. CROW: [goofy] Why thank you, I will! > "The Knights of the STRAIGHT and Narrow Path," replied > ReRob, dusting himself gently off with his hat. "I just > don't get it. Four guys run up to me, gang-tackle me, and > call me queer! TOM: Ah--homophobes. Good to see they've picked enemies we can all root against. CROW: What--there's something insufficiently universal about slaughtering bystanders in cafeterias and tasteless acquaintances? > With MY P-score! CROW: Of course, it all comes back to him showing off... > Talk about bad karma!" > Macquivr looked up and said, "Some people, you know, > they just will not do." TOM: We should be writing these down. > "Awww," said Ben. > "Sucks to be you," Kei added. > "Where did you learn that?" MIKE: So any snappy comment she makes has to be learned by osmosis? TOM: How else? > She angled a thumb at Ben. > "Oh." ReRob contemplated his hat for a moment. CROW: Yep, it's a hat. > "Things > that make you go...hmmm..." TOM: [hillbilly] When they start a-borrowin' catch-phrases, thar's trouble a-brewin'! > "Oh, shut up," said Ben, sinking further into his coat. > "What?" ReRob protested. "I was just talking..." > "ReRob," said Ben tiredly, getting to his feet, "as I am > about to explain for the FOUR THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED > THIRTEENTH TIME this morning midday afternoon..." TOM: [ReRob] You actually *counted?* > Ben took > him by the shoulder and led him out onto the Quad, where he > then threw his arms wide and bellowed, > > " [ [ [[[[[[ [[[[[[[[ [ [ [ [[ [ [[[[[[ > [[[ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [[[ [ [ > [ [[ [ [ [ [ [[[[ [ [ [[ [ [ > [ [[ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [[ [ [ [[ > [ [[[ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [[[ [ [ > [ [[ [[[[[[ [ [ [ [ [ [[ [[[[[[ > > [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ TOM: Here we see the fundamental dichotomy between the vertical nature of the characters and the horizontal nature of the underline, leading to the conclusion: "Did that really need emphasis?" > > [ [ [[ [[[[[ [[[[[ [[[[[[ [[ [ [[[[[[ [[[[[ [ [ > [ [ [[[[ [ [ [ [ [ [[[ [ [ [ [[ [ [ > [[[ [ [ [[[[[ [[[[[ [[[ [ [[ [ [[[ [ [ [ [ > [ [ [[[[ [ [ [ [ [[ [ [ [ [[ [ [ > [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [[[ [ [ [[ > [ [ [ [ [ [ [[[[[[ [ [[ [[[[[[ [[[[ [ [ " CROW: I wish I could do that. MIKE: Please, no. > > The Wedge windows rattled. > "That's what Yar said, too," said ReRob unflappedly. MIKE: [Ben] Fictional characters have nothing to do with this! > Ben took a deep breath and walked back into the Wedge. > ReRob shrugged and followed him. > Moments later the Wedge Commandos returned, grimy, > sweaty, food-smeared, CROW: They must have had a food fight for good measure before starting the demolition. MIKE: Either that, or the food services people fought back the best way they knew how. > breathless, their ammo depleted, > wounded, grinning, and triumphant. MIKE: At least they're hurt... CROW: But totally without guilt. > The muzzle was blown > completely off Crocker's magic M-16, but he seemed quite > happy nonetheless. TOM: [Crocker] I never realised how incredibly satisfying it is to kill somebody! I should do it more often. > "DAKA is dead! DAKA is dead!" they chanted as they > paraded into the Wedge, bearing on their shoulders the heroes > of the hour: Zoner and Yuri. MIKE: What--they produced guns out of nowhere, blew up a building, and now they're heroes? CROW: Maybe it really *was* a public service. > Ben buried his face in his hands and slid to the Wedge > floor. MIKE: I'm about to join him... CROW: You'd slide to a *theatre* floor? MIKE: I don't care. > "Gravity works," ReRob reminded him. > "I know," he replied. TOM: [Ben] We'll have to do something about that... > Meanwhile, the Wedge Commandos deposited their heroes in > the Wedge and were marching out into the Quad, alternating > "DAKA is dead!" with "Zo-ner!" and "Yu-ri!" CROW: Fixing the blame, I see... > Ben turned to ReRob, grabbed him by the shirt, and said > in an anguished tone, "What have I done?!" TOM: I don't believe it--he's showing remorse! CROW: You watch. He'll have forgotten it in an hour. > "Grabbed my shirt. The last guys to do that were the > Coylian Armada. I suggest you refrain from such actions in > the future." MIKE: [ReRob] Don't touch the threads, man! > "So, ah, Zoner...how did your evening go?" > MegaZone smirked a silly little smirk, whistled a little > tune, and said nothing. CROW: And you thought he would be bound by the silly rule you called "decency." Ben, you deluded fool! > A bead of sweat rolled down Ben's nose, poised on the > tip, and fell off. His hands were shaking, his eyes squeezed > shut. Zoner's little silly grin drove him absolutely insane, > especially under circumstances like these. TOM: The eternal struggle for ultimate power continues! > It was just about then that John Coyle himself entered > the Wedge. CROW: Oh, has John Coyle *himself* decided to grace the Wedge with his presence? > Unlike the last several times he had entered this > particular area, he was not afraid, TOM: Familiarity breeds contempt, huh? MIKE: I don't know. I'm getting more worried all the time. > perhaps because there > were very few Wedge Rats in attendance. Only Ben and Q, who > were technically members of Meta Chi, not Rho Alpha Tau, CROW: Remember that point--it's going to be useful at the inquest. > were > there, ReRob, MegaZone, and, of course, Kei and Yuri. MIKE: Don't Kei and Yuri have *anything* to do other than hang around with these guys? TOM: They've already defended Ben's lack of a life. They might as well share it. > They > were all slouched into one Wedge booth, with Kei and Yuri at > the back, directly behind the table, Zoner and Ben in the > corresponding corners, and Macquivr and ReRob on the sides. TOM: Thank you so much. I understand the story so much better now that I know exactly where everyone is sitting. > Coyle walked over to the Wedge booth, stood in front > of it for a moment, and contemplated the Pair. For a moment > it appeared he was going to just turn around and walk away; CROW: But that would be the sensible thing to do, after all! > after all, he was receiving extremely strong "FUCK OFF AND GO > AWAY" vibes from the Wedge Rats in the booth. But he > weathered the onslaught long enough to shake his head and > say sadly, TOM: [Coyle] Just what are you fun-loving self-insertions up to now? > "I see you've recruited another matched set." > Ben could feel Kei stiffen beside him, CROW: [Kei] How *dare* he link the two of us together! > even though he > wasn't in actual physical contact; MIKE: He hasn't shown those super-senses before, has he? > the sight of the muscles > in her jaw jumping may have been a good clue. Yuri remained > somewhat calm, but Coyle felt new additions to the hate > barrage from that quarter as well. TOM: They *have* matched the super-senses on either side of the good- evil divide. MIKE: Coyle just doesn't do anything with them. > Zoner, having some experience in dealing with Johnny, > just shook his head, knowing what was coming next. And the > likely result. TOM: At least, the result he expected. CROW: Oh, what he expects and what he gets are one and the same. > "And just what," Yuri said slowly, carefully, "was that > supposed to mean?" CROW: [Yuri] If this has something to do with life insurance-- you're a dead man. > "Well, it's obvious from the way you're dressed and > sitting there--the Wedge Rats have absorbed another matched > set of lesbians.... TOM: Or they're dressed to get the attention of the unregenerate males in the audience. But never mind--he's got to look his densest! > when will you people learn--" CROW: [Coyle] Slash and self-insertion is *way* over the top! > Ben and Zoner ducked to the sides, going over the side > panels MIKE: They *ducked* and then went *over* the panels... TOM: When you're high and mighty, what else are you going to do? > into the Wedge and the next booth over respectively. > They both knew full well what happened next. MIKE: While I most definitely don't support a homophobe like Coyle... CROW: Okay, go on... MIKE: I'm just a tad worried about how they're ultimately going to demonstrate they're straight. > "HrrARRRRGHH!!" > In perfect unison, Kei and Yuri jumped up onto the Wedge > bench itself; then they launched themselves, still absolutely > synchronized, up into the air. Ben could almost hear the > "tching". ALL: HIKEEBA! > They hung in the air for perhaps half a second--a > neat trick if you can do it-- TOM: Oh, I can do that. [He demonstrates by hovering up from his seat.] CROW: Well, maybe you can be a-- TOM: [sitting down again] You just have to spoil my fun, don't you? > before unloading twin flying > side kicks into Coyle's face. CROW: Gee, what a delightful comeback. > With a wooden-sounding THRUD, Coyle fell flat on his > back to the Wedge floor. TOM: [director] Beautiful, Coyle! But let's do it again--and this time, just a *touch* more woodenness! > Q snapped his fingers and announced, "Cold boot." > The Pair got down from the table and walked around to > either side of him, standing on either side of his head, > tapping their toes, arms folded. CROW: [dazed Coyle] Marvellous view, ladies... is this your way of making up? > "So I was wrong," Coyle whispered, still barely > conscious. "You're not a matched set. You're both bull > dykes." TOM: He doesn't know when he's licked, does he? > Kei and Yuri's boots slammed into either of his temples > at exactly the same time. MIKE: The really frightening thing about this is that all of these people have careers by now. > With nowhere to go, his head was > caught in the middle. Consciousness went pif. > "Reboot," said Q. > > > > itsnotmygoddamnplanetunderstandmonkeyboy--------------------pi > > "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, > however improbable, must be the truth." > --Sherlock Holmes TOM: When you have eliminated the humility, whatever remains, however blatant, must be self-insertion. [pause] Thomas Servo. > > Ben led Kei, MegaZone, Yuri, and ReRob into the depths > of Fuller Labs later that afternoon, telling them simply, > "You have to see this." MIKE: [Ben] It changed my life, in only three easy applications! > "CSLANtronix? I've seen this place before, you know." > "No, not that--this." With that Ben grabbed him by the > collar and tossed him through the invisible door. > PLOOP. CROW: Does that mean what I think it means? > "Oh. Shit." muttered ReRob. CROW: Disgusting! Can't he clean up his magic computer room? MIKE: You're disgusting yourself. CROW: I try. > "Wow, what is this place?" asked Yuri. > "I fraggin' wrote this." declared ReRob. CROW: Ooh, ReRob is staking a claim! > "I fraggin' found it, so slot me, ok?" announced Ben. TOM: [flat] Yes, that is a comeback... > "Rather not." replied ReRob. > "Do what to him?" said Kei. > "Never mind," murmured Ben. CROW: [Ben] Heh... Girls are so cute when they try to follow my slang. > Ben logged in and gestured grandly as the DECstation > sprang into existence around them. TOM: [ReRob] Wow, and look what you put in my empty room! > "Cool," said MegaZone. "Great place to hold Matrix runs > in my Shadowrun campaigns." MIKE: So the first use he can think of involves an unexplained reference. TOM: What else? > "The Black IC would be a bitch though, for the players > too." ReRob quipped, then to Ben, "Whatever you do, don't > call up an xtank..." > "The absence of xtank from your directory is not a > coincidence," Ben said with a grin. CROW: [Ben] You owe me. TOM: [ReRob] Well, let me change my password, and we'll call it even. > "Huh?" questioned ReRob. > "Forget it--you never heard about that?" asked Ben. > "I'm nigh-oblivious, remember?" > "Oh yeah." MIKE: The slice-of-life dialogue is brilliant, guys, but shouldn't you be advancing the plot? > "But this is 8thdimension?!" > "It was." > "Was?" > "I changed the name." > "WHAT?! Why?" MIKE: [ReRob] We had an agreement! > "Because the old name was an aej name ...I wanted > something different." TOM: [Ben] All right, somebody else created the magic computer--but *I'm* the guy using it for his personal aggrandisement! > "What's it called now?" > "itsnotmygoddamnplanetunderstandmonkeyboy." > "You're sick." > "I know." MIKE: *We* don't. TOM: I think we're supposed to assume these things by now. > "Itsnotmygoddamnplanetunderstandmonkeyboy?" inquired > Yuri. > "We've got to show these two Buckaroo Banzai," Zoner > observed. CROW: [Zoner] You can never understand too many of our cultural references! > "And while we're at it--hey, let's have the anime > festival in the Wedge tomorrow! MIKE: [Zoner] Hey, guys, let's put on a show! > We'll show Space Cruiser > Yamato, and BGC, and all my DP stuff--" CROW: What, and give Kei and Yuri ideas about how they really act? MIKE: They can't act much worse than they already do. > His mildly demonic > grin was getting worse by the passing second. TOM: Quick! Break out the holy water! CROW: With these guys, the Holy Hand Grenade might fit in better. > "What's the point, though?" ReRob interrupted. "I mean, > you found the HoloDECstation--what does that have to do > with--" > "Well, I found this--" > > What do we do next, Doctor? A:> cd /usr-1 > What do we do next, Doctor? A:> ls > cluless > What do we do next, Doctor? A:> > > "Stop right there," said ReRob urgently. TOM: [ReRob] Let's not lard in *another* directory listing. > "Do you know > what you are doing?" > "Of course not." MIKE: [Ben] That's what makes it fun! > "I didn't think so. Let me fill you in." He took off > his hat, cleared his throat, and prepared to exposit. CROW: Brace yourselves--here comes the exposition! > "CLULESS is a programming language which was developed > by an unknown but undoubtedly fucked up user." CROW: Actually, that was short and to the point. MIKE: Right now, John Todd is wishing he never shared his special dream with the Wedge Rats. > ReRob went on to explain the nuances of CLULESS. MIKE: So... He knows about the language and the magic computer? Why wasn't he using it before? TOM: Probably because Ben had already dibsed every attractive and unattached anime woman in existence. > And > how it was very probably responsible for Kei and Yuri's > very existence. > As they left the HoloDECstation, Ben contemplated what > he had heard. He became more and more convinced that what he > had done was a Good Thing. CROW: Do I need to say more? I think not. > Kei and Yuri wondered why they existed at all. MIKE: Take a look at the guys you're following... > Kei in particular wondered what kind of horrible things > could happen to you if you thought your creator was cute. > And, for that matter, exactly why she thought he was cute. TOM: Which could lead to a thoughtful exploration of the questions of creation and personal identity, but never mind: we've got to show she's falling for Ben! > > > > The First Wedge War--------------------------------------FOUR > > "It's not the one bullet with your name on it that you > have to worry about; it's the twenty thousand-odd rounds > labeled `occupant.'" > --Murphy's Laws of Combat > > SATURDAY 5 OCTOBER 1991 > > It was a standard Saturday in the Wedge; CROW: I thought there could be no normal days any more. MIKE: Normal *mornings.* This is Saturday--everybody slept in. > Ben was sitting > in the first booth from the mailboxes, getting his stuff > ready to play Morrow Project. Zoner was in the next booth > over preparing some kind of report MIKE: "Self-Insertion for Fun and Prestige." > and munching on a > sandwich. Most of the Wedge Rats were around. Kei and Yuri > were discussing close-combat techniques with Tim. fnord CROW: When they start saying "fnord," then you should start worrying. TOM: I think we'll have to recalibrate the injoke meter too before too long... > "You know," Kelli was telling Kevin Tefft, "I get the > absolute strangest feeling about those two..." CROW: [Kelli] For one thing, they hang around Ben and Zoner... > Rich stood up and shielded his eyes with a hand, peering > out over the Quad. "Hey...what frat around here wears red > and gold?" > "None that I know of," some generic personage replied. > "Why?" TOM: A *generic* personage? They couldn't drop another one of their acquaintances into this? CROW: Hey--they'd have to find somebody who knows all of the frat colours at this place, and that would be work. > "Because there's about a million guys in red and gold > windbreakers marching this way--and...hey! THEY'VE GOT > GUNS!" CROW: [deep] Attack of the Fashion Plates! > Rob Crocker jumped to his feet and sprang to the > windows; he peered out as well. "I'll be damned. There are > a lot of 'em, aren't there?" TOM: Sure, he expects people with guns--but a *lot* of them? There's a new wrinkle. > "Who are they?" > "I don't know," said MegaZone, joining them at the > windows, "but that's John Coyle in the lead--" MIKE: A glutton for punishment, huh? > "The Knights of the STRAIGHT and Narrow Path!" ReRob > shouted. TOM: Where did all these homophobes come from? CROW: With a free windbreaker thrown in, prejudice might be downright appealing. > "Red alert!" Crocker yelled. "ReRob--activate the > defense shield. Ben, Kevin, Zoner--man your weapons! > Everyone else, battle stations! Prepare to repulse > invasion!" TOM: [Crocker] I'll be under a table... > ReRob jumped up behind the Wedge booth near the broken > wall and slapped his palm onto the fire alarm. This wasn't > an actual alarm switch, but the box that gave out the alarm > sounds; MIKE: ReRob! What have I told you about taking alarm sounds from strange boxes? > it had another purpose. CROW: [stoner] It held his stash, man. > Its activation threw the > Wedge into emergency red alert status and activated the Wedge > defensive shield. MIKE: And here I thought the contrivances were thick enough to serve... > Outside, Coyle ordered the front ranks to open fire. > > <> > > Too late; as the first few ranks of Knights opened up > with their laser rifles, which for all the world looked like > AK47s, TOM: That must have saved the props department. CROW: It's like a microcosmic Cold War! > the shield was already up. The bolts burst harmlessly > on the forcefield, appearing inside the Wedge as blue dots on > the shield. > "Hey Kevin, look. Blue dots," ReRob announced. > "Oh, shut up," said Kevin as he ran to his battle > station. MIKE: [Kevin] This is no time for injokes! BOTS: Never! > With near-anime synchronizedness, he, MegaZone, and > Ben all wound up and kicked the three small Wedge tables in > the middle. TOM: Get that furniture abuse in while you can, boys--you've got a day to save! > They popped open, the Wedge windows flipped > down, and their weapons emerged. On either side were Ben and > Zoner's weapons, 20mm M61-A1 Vulcan gatling guns; in the > center was Kevin's, a double-barrelled, reactor-powered, > plasma-fired flamethrower. MIKE: Uh... did I miss something here? TOM: Is this Worcester, Massachusetts, or Worcester, Montana? > Ben slapped on his gunner's helmet, adjusted the mike, > turned on the motor for the rotary barrels, and announced, > "Wedge Gun One! Ready!" > Zoner did the same. "Wedge Gun Two! Ready!" > Kevin put on his oven mitts. CROW: Nothing spells loving like something from their oven. > "WedgeFlame One! Ready!" > Meanwhile a computer voice was announcing loudly "RED > ALERT. RED ALERT. THE WEDGE IS ON RED ALERT." The Wedge > lights turned red. CROW: A disco inferno! > A Red Alert signal flashed on the Lower > Wedge windows/liquid-crystal viewscreen. Crocker popped open > the principal Wedge booths and a hand from below CROW: [goofy] Why, thank you, Thing! MIKE: Either that, or some poor sap just had his cameo. > started > passing the emergency defense M-16s to the general populace. TOM: [announcer voice] Generous funding for this instalment of "Undocumented Features" was provided by the National Rifle Association. > Wedge Rats took up positions behind the other tables, behind > pillars, behind trash cans, anywhere they could contribute to > the defense of the Wedge if the forcefield failed. CROW: The exits became particular strong points. > The Coylians reached the barrier, which extended from > the Wedge to the curb; they began pouring laser fire into it. TOM: Gee, what tactical genius. CROW: They're based on real people-- MIKE: --Or so we presume-- CROW: --So *intelligence* would definitely be too much! > It was a tough device, designed and installed by the > legendary First Wedge Rat whose name has been lost to > history; MIKE: They expected something like this *years* ago? CROW: Suddenly I am very, very glad I've never been anywhere near Worcester, Massachusetts. > even so, it couldn't handle such an onslaught of > force for long. Not without blacking out Worcester County. MIKE: And *some*body might notice that. CROW: You *really* think? > "We have got to get a better power source," said Zoner > as he opened fire with his Vulcan. TOM: Alas, poor Coylians. Your stylish windbreakers were no match for Zoner's mighty megaweapon. > "Well, there's always the radioactive sludge that was > DAKA," Ben suggested, activating his own weapon. TOM: Yes, add insult to injury... > "Great idea!" Zoner shouted. "It'd be better than > Protoculture if we got the resonances right!" TOM: Cut to the chase already! What's the *point* of firing these megaweapons, if not to segue into lovingly described mass slaughter? MIKE: Just wait for the injokes to run their course. TOM: That'll take a couple of hours... > (wub wub wub) TOM: Yeah--*that* exchange was a joke! MIKE: Easy there, Tom. > Macquivr took his station behind the furthest small > Wedge table to the east and, picking up a PA mike, began a > play-by-play account of the action. MIKE: Just so long as everyone does their part in this life-and-death struggle. CROW: If you can't enjoy it, what's the point? > The shield was starting to fail. A Coylian stepped up > to it and, point-blank, began hammering it with laser bolts, > hoping to break through at one specific point. That was > incredibly stupid; TOM: How? Nobody else has died yet. CROW: Nobody on camera, at least. > two streams of blue-white flame and twin > rivers of depleted uranium converged on him and baked, > roasted, pureed, chopped, and shredded him to a state quite > beyond simple mere death. TOM: Well. At least *somebody's* been reduced to a pink mist. > "Gaaah," said Q, "like have some hot flaming brutal > destruction." CROW: They just keep churning those catchphrases out. > Alec walked in with a pizza, asking who had ordered it; > Crocker paid, then handed him an M-16 and proclaimed him > drafted. MIKE: The madcap action never stops around here, huh? > The screaming legions of the STRAIGHT and Narrow Path > charged the shield, battering it with laser fire and the > stocks of their guns. It began to fold for real. TOM: Okay, they're standing just outside the shield--so why aren't Ben, Zoner, and Kevin reducing all of them to states beyond death? CROW: And let the rest of the Wedge off easy? Never! > "ReRob!" Ben screamed. "The shield's failing!" > "Degauss it!" ReRob told him. > "Got it!" Ben took one hand off the butterfly grips of > his weapon long enough to slap the fire alarm switch hanging > on the airlock next to him. TOM: Oh, of course he has to do everything himself. > The shield pulsed, rainbowing in > that pattern of colors called Psychedelic Yawn by some > authorities on the psychedelic, CROW: You know they've done their research. > and then solidified, > temporarily reinstated. Most of Worcester blacked out. MIKE: So these people value surviving a life-and-death struggle more than electrical power for their city? CROW: Oh, the freezers! The fridges! The painfully set VCR clocks flashing "12:00" once again! > One Coylian soldier had penetrated the field during the > degauss; he was inside Ben and MegaZone's arcs of fire and > under Kevin's. TOM: We haven't heard *anything* about these megaweapons being useful! CROW: They're not there for effect--they're there for style. TOM: [suddenly calm] Ah. That explains everything. > Screaming like a madman, he ran up the > extended Wedge window and leaped in an incredible leap over > the flamethrower, tackling Kevin to the floor. They rolled > across the Wedge through a trash barrel in a tangled heap of > limbs and laser rifle. The Knight screamed and jumped to his > feet as he realized who he had just tackled. CROW: Football games would never be the same for him again. > Howling with despair, the soldier raked the Wedge with > full-auto laser fire, MIKE: [announcer voice] AK-47 laser rifles, for all your gardening needs! > making everyone drop to the deck; one > of his bolts slammed into the shield generator, which, with a > shower of sparks, exploded. Then he ate his laser's muzzle. TOM: [announcer voice] Scrumptious laser muzzle--it's got a kick to it! > Thoroughly gross. CROW: [singing] It's de-lightful, it's de-licious, it's dis-gusting... > "The shield's down!" MegaZone screamed MIKE: Sounds like the shield's got some self-esteem problems. > as Coylian after > Coylian poured in an incredible wave toward him. TOM: He should be happy to be so popular. > He kept the > triggers down; MIKE: Suddenly, the story's incredibly depressing. > shell casings flew over his shoulder in a > never ending smoking stream. Sweat poured down his face. > They overran the end of his weapon. TOM: When irrational coolness meets inexplicable hate, something's got to give. > "I can't hold!" Ben disappeared under a thrashing horde > of them; Zoner followed, trying desperately to retreat and > dragged down by sheer numbers. Someone screamed "DIE, Wedge > scum!" MIKE: [bemused] Isn't this kind of payback for blowing up the cafeterias? TOM: They're the self-insertions, Mike. Whatever they do is good. Whatever their enemies do is evil. MIKE: Sure, I can see it that way--huh? > "We're outnumbered!" Crocker screamed as he opened up > with his M-16. > "Don't think of it as being vastly outnumbered," pfloyd > offered. "Think of it as having a very wide shot selection." CROW: [pfloyd] Think of the experience points! > Truly wild combat in the Wedge ensued; Crocker et al. > opened up with their M-16s while Ben and MegaZone kicked and > thrashed madly, TOM: Oh, come on! Your megaweapons weren't any good--but that's no reason to throw a tantrum! > with the desperate ability of people with > little or, in Ben's case, no real training but lots o' > adrenaline. The Knights' windbreakers were body armor; they > could take four or five M-16 hits before blood was drawn. CROW: After all, they've got to drag this battle out *somehow.* > Pfloyd shouted something about buying Teflon ammo next time, > which Crocker promised to make a note of and pick some up at > the local death 'n destruction shop reeeeeal soon. > Ben was flat on his back, a Coylian's sneakered foot > pressed to his throat; MIKE: This is one weird running shoe ad. CROW: Is there any other kind? > the world was starting to turn red and > spots were swimming in front of his eyes as his fingers lost > their strength and slid from the Knight's ankle. CROW: ...And he *liked* it! > He heard a terrible wet KRUNCH and thought his neck was > broken. My God, he thought, I'm dead and I don't even > realize it yet. TOM: Par for the course, I'd say. > Then the Coylian slid off him and he could breathe > again. He forced himself up on an elbow and looked; the > Knight of the STRAIGHT and Narrow Path was the one with the > broken neck. Kei had grabbed him in a nifty half-nelson-like > maneuver and quite neatly rotated his head 180 degrees. TOM: [announcer voice] She doesn't fight for honour, justice, or glory. She fights for her boyfriend. > He would've thanked her, CROW: ...But he expected it... > but she was too busy, CROW: Oh. > so he > just fell back to the Lower Wedge wall. With no weapon, it > was about all he could do. > Zoner was still, somehow, on his feet; he grabbed whole > handfuls of Coylians and slung them away from him with > desperate strength. TOM: You don't have to humour him *that* much. > Suddenly a pair of arms grabbed him from > behind, the fingers laced over the flesh of his throat; > oxygen stopped coming in. CROW: [goofy] Guess who? > He reached back; other arms > pinioned his own. He tried to walk forward; something was > holding his legs. CROW: He tried to get down and get funky. TOM: That, they let him do. > A horde of the Coylians struggled madly to > keep him down. MIKE: Even when he loses, he loses big! > Three well-placed laser shots drilled the ones holding > his neck and arms through the faces as Yuri came to his > rescue; released, he kicked his way free and made it to the > Wedge wall with Ben. There were no more guns; all they could > do now was watch. TOM: At least, that's what they'll say later... > "Damn romantic, isn't it," Ben choked through a > partially crushed throat. "They fight...we watch." MIKE: Do you think this will affect their status with Kei and Yuri? CROW: We can only hope. > "Well, they're better at this anyway. About all we're > good for is getting ourselves killed." TOM: [Zoner] We'll have to do something about that. > "I know...doesn't stop me from feeling like a total dick > though...and thanks for your optimistic evaluation of our > battle prowess." MIKE: Hey--they've gone down a notch! TOM: They'll more than correct this tragic turn of events by the end of the story. Just you watch. > "Don't mention it." > The first wave of Coylians were almost all dead, mowed > down by the Wedge Commandos' fire; many of them had tripped > and crashed over Ben and Zoner's five-foot piles of > shell casings MIKE: See what happens when you don't clean up your Wedge? > and been trampled by the second wave, including > John Coyle himself, who had been shot many many many times > (Crocker alone put a full clip into him) before being ground > underfoot by his own troops. CROW: It's good to see that everyone can inflict harsh and brutal punishment on this Coyle person. > But they fought like madmen. > Kei and Yuri disengaged themselves and fell back, not > because the combat was too heavy, but because they were well > and truly tired of being groped by the Knights (remember, > STRAIGHT and Narrow) CROW: Business before pleasure, hmm? > before killing them. Better to use > ranged weapons to melee in this case. > Ben saw his opportunity; he rushed forward as Kei > slammed a knee into a Coylian's nose and grabbed the > warrior's falling laser rifle. CROW: As gratifying as it would be to grab something else, he's trying to limit his risks. > Then, backpedaling rapidly, > he sprayed the horde with laser fire, giving her time to > disengage. Tossing a second liberated rifle to Zoner > alleviated Yuri's tactical disadvantage as well. TOM: Funny, isn't it, how Ben always does stuff just for Kei, and Zoner does stuff just for Yuri? > The situation looked grim; of all the Wedge Rats, only > Zoner, Ben, Kei, and Yuri had functional ranged weapons. MIKE: So nobody else thought of grabbing the Coylian's guns? TOM: Hey. They may be self-insertions, but they're not the authors. > The > Commandos were out of ammo and the third wave of Coylians > were advancing, heedless of the losses created by the > merciless laser fire. CROW: After all--*their* lasers always miss. > Fritz and Tim were fighting them hand- > to-hand now, and despite their truly superhuman skill and > strength, MIKE: Somehow, I expected that qualification. > were soon overcome by sheer numbers and flattened > into the carpeting. (=|-]) CROW: That's an elaborate smiley. TOM: Maybe there are secret grudges as well as open hostility around here. > "Oh hell," Crocker shouted. "KNOCK!" He wolfed the > slice of pizza in his left hand TOM: I knew product placements are getting out of hand, but this is ridiculous. > as his right ran the M-16 > out of ammo for the last time, then took his 1/2-level fireball > spell from his jacket, pulled the pin, and threw. BLAMMO! > The blast scattered dead and dying Knights almost back to the > curb. CROW: That's Crocker--our lovable walking arsenal! > And still they came. > Kei pulled a minigrenade from its pouch on her left hip, > the last grenade either of them had since the Battle of DAKA; TOM: Isn't that the way it always is? You use all your ammunition to slaughter helpless innocents, and then you don't have any when you really need it. > she set it to impact and sent it spiraling into the middle of > their thickest clump. CROW: Kei--combat gardener! > It had the desired effect; that > explosion sent Coylians back to the stone in the middle of > the Quad. MIKE: Hey--Kei can outdo Crocker! TOM: It *was* only a half-level grenade. > The last wave of Coylians, the thirty warriors remaining > from a once-proud armada, TOM: They were in a Pride Parade? Ah, what subtle irony at work here! > charged through the window, > screaming "Honor or death! Honor or death!" CROW: And here I thought being killed by a Wedge Rat would be a pretty honourable death. > Ben's rifle > overheated. CROW: What about Zoner's? TOM: I guess they've just established relative coolness. > Laser fire filled the Wedge. Erik Swimm > screamed and dropped, a laser hole burned through his left > shoulder. TOM: There's the token Wedge Rat injury. Let's wrap this thing up, people! > "Yuri!" Kei shouted. "(Oh how I hate to do this) MIKE: Kei is worried about doing something? This is going to hurt... > --the > Card! Now's the time!" Then she turned to Ben and muttered, > "Down. On the floor. Now." CROW: [Ben] I'm flattered, but don't you think we can wait just a little longer? > "Shit, Kei--!" Ben cried as he dropped to the carpeting > and put his hands over his head. "It's never the time for > the Bloody Card," he told her as she joined him on the floor. MIKE: Ben's worried about it too--this is *really* going to hurt! > Yuri took a small metal card from somewhere in her > uniform. The stats and performance of the device immediately > flashed to MegaZone's mind: > > The Bloody CardTM is a device roughly equating the dimensions > and weight of a playing card. It is made of a tungsten- > titanium alloy with a monomolecular edge. CROW: And it's sanitised for your protection. TOM: Not to mention dishwasher safe. > Its ion drives can > sustain it for two hours at a time at true airspeeds > exceeding one hundred kilometers per hour, and it has > rudimentary psychokinetic control. It is somewhat > inaccurate, but quite effective for crowd control, and > popular among those with a flair for the dramatic. TOM: If it hadn't already existed, the Wedge Rats would have had to invent it. > > As soon as this thought finished flashing through his > mind Zoner simply muttered "Oh shit" and kissed the carpet. CROW: [Zoner] Ah, carpet! Beautiful, resilient carpet! > She cast, and the Bloody Card howled out in a deadly > arc, the sound of its ion drives sending chills up and down > the spines of the Wedge Rats. > The Card screamed in a crescent of death, sending gouts > of blood fountaining into the air as it swept along the line > of Coylians at around throat level. MIKE: What about the other Wedge Rats? TOM: They'll be missed. > Its arc carried it > through all but the last, who raised his rifle and sighted on > Yuri. The Bloody Card was heading out toward the mailboxes, > unable to turn tightly enough in the narrow end of the Wedge > to return. CROW: Finally! There's something about this building that isn't perfect and endearing. > Harold Mackiernan, better known simply as h, came > strolling around the corner just then; the Bloody Card was > heading straight for him. With nary a second thought, he > snagged the gore-streaked weapon out of the air, pocketed it, MIKE: Okay, I see how *he's* specially blessed... > and flicked a small white card of his own at the final > Coylian. TOM: [h] Beautiful job! Care to work for me? > Distracted, the last Knight of the STRAIGHT and Narrow > Path caught the card offhand and looked at it. The only > thing on it was a large black 1. He flipped it over. > > YOU CAN DIE NOW. > > "Thank you," he said to h, and promptly keeled over, > dead. CROW: Obliging, isn't he? > "This is yours," said h, and he tossed the Bloody Card > to Yuri. MIKE: Didn't he just put it in his pocket? TOM: Evidently, he wants to get his money's worth when he does his laundry. > "WE WON!" Crocker shouted, raising his M-16 defiantly. > "WE WON!" > The Wedge erupted in a tremendous cheer. And there was > much rejoicing! BOTS: [dull] Yay. MIKE: They just... They just... College students just slaughtered an army, and they were able to cheer about it moments later... CROW: Easy, Mike. TOM: Deep, controlled breaths. [Mike's head very slowly slumps forward.] > > "Hey," said Rich as he and the others finished lining > the dead Coylians up on the Quad, TOM: I bet they wish they hadn't blown up their cafeterias now. > "Coyle's not here." > "What do you mean, he's not here?" Crocker demanded, CROW: [Crocker] We need him to complete the set! > slinging his M-16 and walking over. "And where the hell are > Ben and Zoner?" CROW: Last-minute casualties? Please? > "I've checked all the bodies twice TOM: The bodies so nice, he checked them twice! > and John Coyle is not > among them. And I don't know where they are either." > "That's impossible. TOM: [Crocker] Ben *and* Zoner ducking out of a scene? > I put a full clip into him! He was > trampled under a hundred soldiers. I think Zoner hit him a > couple of times! CROW: Ah, *Zoner* hit him. Coyle's power of escape can only increase. > There's no way he could've been evacuated > in all that confusion..." > "...so where the hell is he then?" TOM: After what you described, maybe he's part of the carpeting. > "I don't think we ought to tell Ben and Zoner about > this just yet..." CROW: First it's Attack of the Fashion Plates, and now it's going to be Night of the Living Dead Homophobe... > > [Tom finally glances over at Mike, who is bent nearly double.] TOM: Crow, I think we have a situation on our hands. CROW: So we do. Let's get him out of here. TOM: You got it. Oh, Mike... [With Crow apparently tugging on him, Mike picks up Tom and stumbles out of the theatre.] [commercials] [SOL bridge. Crow and Tom are behind the desk, looking over a checkerboard with a game in progress. Mike and Gypsy are nowhere to be seen.] TOM: I wonder how Gypsy's doing with Mike. CROW: Personally, I'm in no rush to have the fried wiring in his skull repaired. After all--we can make all the waffles we want, and never have to clean the kitchen! TOM: [dreamily] Yeah... [coming back to reality] But that's exactly what made her decide to help him. CROW: Yeah. [The bots resume their study of the checkerboard for a few moments. Then, Gypsy leads Mike into the room. Mike appears tired, but is basically on an even keel.] GYPSY: It's just like I said. There's nothing like milk and cookies to help somebody out of a funk. MIKE: And you were right. GYPSY: Of course. CROW: But it's only a temporary solution. TOM: Indeed. The next dose of plot contrivances will break you for good-- MIKE: Tom, I'm going to be fine. CROW: Oh, sure. You may think you've put aside your dreams of the first notes of an epic saga and replaced them with expectations of a low farce--but you still aren't quite ready to once more face the full force of Wedge illogic. TOM: That's why we've prepared this special game of Wedge checkers-- for when you want interaction less extravagant than beating up somebody with a boffa-dagger, and less dangerous than assaulting the campus homophobe. MIKE: [slowly] Well... I guess I can try it. [He moves to the near side of the desk to look at the checkerboard.] CROW: [quickly] Oh, and remember that three undertrumps after an opponent's discard of a Trebled Fromp is an indefensible gambit. MIKE: What? TOM: Just move a piece. MIKE: [suspiciously] Sure. [He moves a black checker. Crow leans over the board and pushes a red checker. Suddenly, with a smile, Mike jumps three pieces.] MIKE: Not too shabby, if I say so myself. CROW: [slowly] I see... [shouting] NOW! TOM: HIKEEBA! [Tom rams the board. Pieces go flying everywhere.] CROW: Oh, and we should have mentioned--being on the right side counts. [Mike doesn't respond immediately. His head is lowered somewhat.] TOM: Oh, great. He's blown another fuse. [Mike slowly looks up. He appears about as angry as he ever gets.] CROW: Well, perhaps not... [The lights and sirens go off. Mike, jolted out of his anger, lurches back from the desk.] MIKE: We've got fanfic sign! CROW: Never thought I'd be glad to hear *that...* [...6...5...4...3...2...1...] [Mike enters the theatre and puts Tom in his seat. Crow follows him.] > > Stress Relief Therapy MIKE: [still slightly angry] Let's hope this therapy is more effective than Wedge checkers... > -------------------------Four Point Five TOM: With an irreverant chapter number like that? Absolutely! > > "The second step to becoming a mad scientist is having a > doctorate. After all, no one is going to tremble in fear at > the name of the Mad Mister Rainbow." > --The Mad Scientist Primer > > "Where the hell did the Animated Quartet go?" thought > ReRob. CROW: Today's new singing sensation--the Animated Quartet! > It was a, well, UNIQUE day. He had just experienced > the Wedge War. He saw the Wedge do things it has never done > before. He saw anatomical organs he had never seen before. TOM: For today's educational moment, we bring the slaughterhouse to you! CROW: But they've got the Dirty Pair on their side! What do they care about learning now? > In fact, he had just finished washing some of them off this > person. And now, Ben, Zoner, Kei and Yuri had gone piff on > him. MIKE: There's the explanation--they didn't want to help clean up. CROW: Good to have you back with us, Mike. > ReRob was on, shall we say, a mighty adrenaline rush. > And he is not the type of person to inflict gratuitous > violence on innocent people. TOM: So find some evil people and beat them up! Sheesh! I mean, it's pretty clear by now he's invincible... > Innocent inanimate objects, > however, would be another thing entirely. "I think I'll take > this one to the road," he thought. CROW: His insurance agent must love him. > He walked downstairs and found his OmniSchwinn. That > just wasn't enough. "I need some wheels," he thought. He > caught himself. MIKE: ReRob--the one-man flying circus! > "I need some vehicleage." > Too late. Michael Wheeler walked in, retrieved one of > his cassettes, and walked out. CROW: A pun, a cameo *and* an injoke, all rolled into one! What will they think of next? > ReRob never noticed this TOM: So, he didn't notice the injoke that he tried desperately to avoid... MIKE: Smile and nod. > because of a rather interesting thought entering his mind. > It could be done, and the research was the hardest part. > "Hey, Mark, can I borrow the REF Field Guide?" > "Sure, ReRob." TOM: Savour your appearance, Mark! You actually got off pretty easy. > ReRob then proceeded to grab the Invid Invasion tape and > MegaZone's VCR. > Mark walked downstairs and witnessed ReRob leaving with > all this hardware and literature. "What the hell is that > for?" > "Kinemasochistics. You wouldn't believe the project > we've got." MIKE: Is that a new elective or something? CROW: Without a doubt, an extremely popular one. > > ReRob locked himself into the HoloDECStation (HDS) TOM: ReRob may not have found or named the magic computer--but he abbreviated it! > and > kludged up a window with a video input port. He plugged the > VCR in, started playing the Robotech cassettes, and fed the > Field Guide into a vidinput window. TOM: I thought he had to break something, *soon,* or he'd go crazy. How long has he spent working? CROW: You remember how Ben worked the magic computer? I think hitting icons with your fists would work off quite a bit of steam. > When the computer was done digesting up the data, ReRob > called up cluless and rezzed up a VR-052 Cyclone and a suit > of CVR-3 body armor. Cluless sent back a "no prob" on the > CVR-3, but stopped short on the actual Cyclone. The error > message was: > > protoculture: yaright? MIKE: Suddenly, the compiler's downright casual. CROW: It's had its moment of glory--it can take it easy now. > > ReRob told the computer to fuck the protoculture CROW: Let's hope the magic computer isn't comedically literal-minded... TOM: Naah, it's probably another injoke. > and > give him a Cyclone sans power unit. There are better power > units than protoculture anyways. TOM: Well, they've just slagged off Carl Macek. CROW: Not that you're complaining about that, of course. TOM: Not now, Crow... My point is--no wonder anime fans of the early '90s ate this stuff up! MIKE: And all we can do is muse on how the mighty hath fallen. > Especially when one had a > VCR. > Within an hour, he had fed itsnotmygoddamnplanetmonkey- > boy all three Back to the Future movies. TOM: Movies at six times the speed... Let me guess, he'll be driving at five hundred and twenty-eight miles an hour? > He then rezzed up > the DeLorean. Cluless yaright?ed on the flux capacitor, but > that was okay. MIKE: Obliging, isn't it? It only asks for the things he doesn't want. > He didn't want a DeLorean. CROW: Oh, really? If I had a time machine, I would go back to yesterday-- TOM: --And take myself to tomorrow-- MIKE: --And skip this experiment. CROW: The "Calvin and Hobbes" sketch, ladies and gentlemen. > He removed Mr. > Fusion, and installed it in the gas tank of the Cyclone. > Like, have some power. CROW: Okay, they've got a magic computer that can call literally anything into existence when presented with limited data... So forget about mecha! Start scanning in dollar bills! > Within five minutes, ReRob learned that walking through > the basement of Fuller Labs wearing futuristic body armor and > pushing a variable-geometry motorcycle raises eyebrows. MIKE: Well, live and learn... > Telling students that this is the true power of UNIX didn't > help. CROW: How about the power of *RADAR?* > After a field trip to the Atwater Kent dumpster for > fusion material, ReRob dropped some leftover SPAM into the > gas tank, kick-started the fusion reactor, TOM: Looks like he's getting his technology abuse in right there. > and sped off into > the sunset. He only dropped the machine three times on the > way off campus. CROW: Ben and Zoner have extracted their pound of flesh--from now on, it's the invincible ReRob, all the way. > > All in all, it was a simple learning procedure. Mr. > Fusion is many things, TOM: [announcer voice] Including a fat-free yogurt that doesn't let you down in the flavour department! > but it does not use a physical > transmission. In other words, it's an automatic motorcycle. > ReRob had ridden bicycles before, so it was just the concept > of turning at higher speeds and with more weight under him. > Thus, he was just about getting the hang of it and cruising > down I-290 when the cops took an interest in him. MIKE: He's left the psychic shield of the campus--they really can take an interest in him! TOM: *Compound* interest. > The Cyclone is a rather amusing and powerful mecha unit, > but it was never designed for twentieth century street use. > To be sure, it carries headlights and all the normal safety > features. CROW: Not to mention AM/FM, cruise control, and a nifty cup holder! > The only problem is that there is literally > nowhere to place a license plate. The only obvious spot, on > the tail of the machine, is the perfect place to fry the poor > aluminum off while jetting around in battloid mode. MIKE: Wouldn't he have to get it registered or something first before he worries about the license plate? TOM: It's an excuse not to bother. MIKE: Ah. > Fortunately, ReRob was wearing his CVR-3. This > completely obscured his features. Besides which, he looked > incredibly cool. MIKE: Well, he won't have to worry about the fashion police... > Unfortunately, this didn't stop the main > problem, that being black and whites behind him with sirens > wailing. TOM: [announcer voice] "World's Most Ego-Boosting Self-Insertion Chases," next on FOX! > "But," ReRob thought, "Let's get real. A motorcycle on > an interstate with a top speed of over two hundred miles per > hour MIKE: And the cycle's no slouch, either. > versus Ford mega-sedans. Null perspiration." CROW: [announcer voice] SI Stick. Strong enough for a man, but made for a Mary Sue. > And with > that, he experienced the joy and dangers involved with > removing the front wheel from the tar. He eased off on the > throttle, reminded himself that he was wielding a fusion > powered road machine, TOM: [announcer voice] Fusion--for a brighter tomorrow! CROW: And a more impressive today. > and figured that while high rates of > velocity were necessary, large values for higher derivatives > of position were right out. CROW: I would interject a hilariously sarcastic comment at this locale, but he has already excavated his own mortuary cavity. > The cops were no problem in about fifteen seconds > (that's one combat round for you Palladium gamers), MIKE: They've paid real attention to their demographics here. > but a new > difficulty arose. Even in Massachusetts, driving around at > one hundred fifty miles an hour creates interesting problems > in traffic avoidance, meeting other vehicles at relative > velocities of over seventy miles an hour. ReRob slipped into > a game of Pole Position in his mind, and survived for the > next minute or so. MIKE: Hasn't he ever heard of brakes? TOM: Perhaps, just perhaps, the magic computer finally left something out. > Then he ran across a strip of traffic > flying formation; there was no way around. A voice from the > old Gauntlet game intruded upon his thoughts: "Wedge Rat is > about to die." TOM: Somehow, I expected his last thoughts to be of cult pop culture. > He checked and realized that he was fresh out > of quarters. CROW: Then he checked again, and thankfully, he was wearing clean underwear. > This was his last game. Flub this, and it was > all over. > There was only one way out. It was untested, and would > probably remove several parts of his anatomy along with his > all-important ugly baritone singing voice. "Oh well," he > thought, "Not like I'm going to have a use for it if I end up > in this guy's hatchback." MIKE: Oh, I don't know... He could defuse the situation with a serenade or two. > He pushed a lever from the down to the up position. TOM: Now, if it had been from the up to the down position--well, we would have mourned his loss. > The bike proceeded to behave in several ways that bikes > never normally react. First thing it did was microjet up to > leap over the line of traffic in question. That was the > simple part. > Then the front faring started acting up. It split in > two and attached itself to ReRob's chest armor. The engine, > it seemed, was not an internal combustion engine at all, but > just a latex item that looked like one. It rapidly deflated > itself. TOM: I just love the way he's daring us to suspend disbelief. > The skid plate moved up and became a chest piece. > By almost sheer coincidence, it linked perfectly with the > armor codpiece: ReRob was still a baritone. MIKE: Who'd have thought it? TOM: They never cease to amaze me. > The entire back of the motorcycle, tail through fuel > tank/Mr. Fusion, slid behind ReRob, folded up, and attached > to his back. The wheels swung around in a rather unbalancing > position TOM: [announcer voice] The Cyclone--saves your tail while you diss its design! > and deployed jets. ReRob was now a quasi-cyborg, > over three hundred fifty pounds of flesh, metal, plastic, and > ceramic, and was now hovering over the northbound lane ALL: [make propeller plane noises] > of I- > 290, thinking "Neat!" > He hovered over to the southbound lane, ALL: [make propeller plane noises which sputter out down to a crash] > waved to the > cops as they passed, MIKE: If there's no injury--just add insult to insult! > and landed on the grassy strip next to > the breakdown lane. He began the sequence which would allow > him to extricate himself from his bike and ride it again. TOM: The first step involved finding a can opener. > But only one thought took up his frontal lobes: "Shouldn't I > be thinking something profound here?" CROW: Shouldn't we be thinking something sarcastic here? > > > > Worcester Nightlife--------------------------------------FIVE > > "[quote deleted]" > --Macquivr (Q) > > Later, down at the Thai Orchid (a local Thai restaurant, > obliviously), MIKE: You never know. It could have been a flower shop. > we find Zoner, Yuri, Ben, and Kei enjoying a > rather well prepared meal. Kei and Yuri were wearing > stunning evening gowns which had set both Zoner and Ben back > about a term's spending money. TOM: Well, they're on the home stretch now... > "So how are you enjoying your stay at the Worst Place > Imaginable--ahem--Whoopie Tech so far?" inquired 'Zone. ALL: [singing] So be true to your school... > "So far, so good. Do you normally have so much violence > on campus?" asked Kei. MIKE: Doesn't she realise who's causing it? CROW: She has to be vaguely polite. After all, she's getting a a stunning evening gown out of it. > "No. It isn't normally this bad," --sideways glance at > Ben-- "I can't figure out why it has been so bad." (elbow) > "Side effect. It'll pass," Ben parried. (poke) > "So, what is there to do in...." Yuri began. > "PASS THE SALT NOW!" screamed Ben, his hand suddenly > bending his fork. TOM: And here I was hoping he would use the powers of his mind alone. > "I knew I shouldn't have let you order." > "Iai!" Kei shouted, snagging the salt shaker from Ben's > hand. MIKE: Ah-ha! Kei outmatched Ben... in a very, very small arena. > "Me first! This stuff is deadly!" > "So I like spicy food," Zone replied with an evil smirk. CROW: Ooh--an evil smirk! MIKE: He's a discriminating smirker. > "You were saying, Yuri?" > "Yes, I wanted to know if there was anything interesting > to do in Worcester." > "May I reply to that?" interjected Ben. > "Why not?" TOM: [Zoner] Brace yourselves, ladies. > Ben got up from the booth and began to pace, his hands > folded behind his back. CROW: Hey! Free floor show. > "From the home office in > Schenectady, New York: The top ten things to do in Worcester > on Saturday night. > "Ten: Drive to Boston. > "Nine: Drive to Boston for the evening. MIKE: Hey, they don't have to put their college town down. I can think of plenty of things to do in Worcester. > "Eight: Why not drive to Boston? CROW: Like finding amazing machines hidden away and neglected, and making their creators look bad. > "Seven: Driving to Boston is a definite possibility... TOM: Like calling your most secret desires into existence. > "Six: Drive to Boston. CROW: Like beating up people you don't like. > "Five: If you're feeling particularly ambitious, you > could drive to Boston. MIKE: Like *killing* people you don't like, and getting away scot-free. > "Four: Drive to Boston. CROW: Like having women normally noted for their independence fawning over you. > "Three: It wouldn't hurt to drive to Boston. MIKE: Like basically being a god in a twisted little universe. > "Two: Go to Spag's. Bet you thought I was going to say > drive to Boston didn't you?" > And the number one thing to do in Worcester on > Saturday night is:" > "Drive to Boston?" hazarded Kei. > "Survey says: > XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX > XXXXXX XXXXXX > XXX XXX XXX XXX > XXX XXX XXX XXX > XXX XXX XXX XXX > XXX XXX XXX XXX > XXX XXX XXX XXX > XXX XXXXX XXX > XXX XXX XXX > XXX XXXXX XXX > XXX XXX XXX XXX > XXX XXX XXX XXX > XXX XXX XXX XXX > XXX XXX XXX XXX > XXX XXX XXX XXX > XXXXXX XXXXXX > XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX CROW: I really wish I could do that. MIKE: No, you don't. TOM: This fanfic was brought to you by the letter "X." > > Thank you for playing. No, the number one thing to do > in Worcester on a Saturday night is: > "Get mugged!" TOM: What endears these characters to me is their deep love for their city. > "Bravo! Now sit down and stop making a spectacle. I > can't take you anywhere," observed Zone, eliciting a chuckle > from both Kei and Yuri. > "True, since your car is in the shop!" Ben jabbed. MIKE: Snappy comeback. CROW: He can't let Zoner impress Kei. > "Ouch! Low blow! So the Daytona from Hell is ill, I'll > have it back on Monday, for 300 bucks which I can't afford." ALL: [singing] Did you ever have to make up your mind, And say yes to one and let the other one cry... > "What is this Daytona from Hell?" asked Kei. > "I'll explain it later," replied Yuri. MIKE: Now Kei and Yuri won't explain the injokes to each other. Help. > The collective group fell into standard dinner rapport, > occasionally interrupted by Ben's pleas for the salt to cut > the spice. CROW: Salt and spice and everything nice, That's what our Ben is made of! > As the evening progressed it was obvious that > Zoner and Yuri gravitated into one pair and Ben and Kei > another. (Kinda like bookends.) MIKE: For very thin books... CROW: Humility in Self-Insertion Fanfics! TOM: The Law and WPI Students! CROW: Nonviolent Conflict Resolution! TOM: The Limits of Reality! CROW: How to Win Women the WPI Way! MIKE: Okay, that's enough. > > <> > > After dinner the quartet began a leisurely stroll back > to campus, veering around the Centrum to prolong the walk; CROW: Detouring around a bottle of multivitamins? That'll add, what, fifteen seconds to the excursion... > after all it was a pleasant night. > They were just strolling along when Kei reached over to > get Yuri's attention. CROW: [Kei] You know--we're in a self-insertion fanfic! TOM: [Yuri] Run for your life! > And when they made contact they froze. TOM: Finally! The magic computer hung. > Their gaze seemed to be focused at infinity. > "Zoner, I think we have a problem..." muttered Ben. > "Obliviously, Ben, they appear to be having one of their > psychic flashes," observed Zoner. MIKE: By the pricking of their thumbs, something contrived this way comes. > Slapping a hand to his forehead, Ben replied, "Duhh. So > what do we do?" > "We wait." TOM: [Zoner] Heard any good jokes lately? > A few tense seconds later the Angels broke out of it. > Collapsing into Ben's arms, Kei gasped, "What was that?" CROW: Find support in his manly arms, Kei! > Yuri, being similarly supported by MegaZone, replied, > "There's an attack coming." > "COYLIANS?!" Ben and Zoner exclaimed in perfect harmony. TOM: They just keep adding to that giant list of talents, don't they? > "No, it seems to be giant humanoid robots or something > like that," Yuri continued. > "Why is it always giant... humanoid... robots???" Ben > murmured in a tired voice. MIKE: [Ben] Why can't we contrive an *original* attack once in a while? > "We have to find a defensible position!" Zoner blurted > in a rare burst of logic. > "We could scale this building," suggested Kei. > "100% NutraSweet," responded Ben in his Ad-Man-Voice. > "Huh?" Yuri questioned. > "Never mind," Zoner cut in. CROW: [Zoner] Start by understanding *my* bizarre injokes and obscure cultural references, okay? > "I have an idea..." > "Uh oh..." interrupted Ben. > "As I was saying, I have an idea. The Galleria's > parking garage is right over here." > The quartet hurried off towards the garage as the sound > of an approaching horde filled the air. ALL: [singing] It's been a hard day's night... > Panting heavily, Zoner declared, "We're here. Any sign > of the enemy?" > "Well, since we're being obvious...how about that large > pack of soldiers and the attack choppers?" panted Ben. > "You guys are out of shape," observed Kei. > "I'm soooooo sorry," Zoner snapped. TOM: [Zoner] It's only to demonstrate the vague possibility of our fallibility! > "Kei, we have better things to think about. CROW: [Yuri] Like saving our own delicate hides! > Like that > horde over there," Yuri interjected. > Ben collapsed into a coughing fit. Noticing this, Kei > asked, "What's wrong with him?" > "Asthma. He'll either recover or die. TOM: I suppose Zoner knows Ben is invincible, but that *is* just a little casual. CROW: Well, if he dies, then Zoner gets Yuri *and* Kei. > Don't worry > about him. Worry about THEM!" Zoner shrieked. > ZARK! A laser bolt slammed into the wall next to Yuri, > who then pulled her blaster out of her purse. > "You brought that to dinner?" Zoner asked incredulously. CROW: Her first experience with food *did* escalate into a full-scale shooting war. Perhaps she's just paranoid. > "Sure, so did Kei. Didn't you bring a weapon?" > "NO! I don't OWN one! Before this past week I never > NEEDED one!" MIKE: What about that huge gatling gun he used in the Wedge? CROW: That's not a weapon. That's overcompensation. > "What about him?" Kei gestured to Ben's choking form. > "I severely doubt it!" Zoner snapped. "Unless you count > his Buck knife, which personally I don't!" MIKE: [Australian] That's not a knife, mate... > ZARK! ZARK! ZARK! KA-ZAP!!! More lasers sliced chunks > from the concrete. Followed by a large particle blast. TOM: [announcer voice] This moment of onomatopoeia education has been brought to you by Undocumented Features. > ZARK! ZARK! Kei and Yuri returned fire. ZARK! ZARK! MIKE: ZORCH! CROW: ZING! TOM: ZORK! > They > began dropping the oncoming horde with ease. Well, they > dropped, but some began to get back up. ALL: [singing] They get knocked down, but they get up again! You're never going to keep them down! > "Oh shit! BOOMERS! How... Never mind, WHO?" Zoner > exclaimed. > "Boomers? The deli?" Ben asked, TOM: [sarcastic Zoner] Yes, Ben. Evil salami and diabolical rye bread approach as we speak! > staggering to his feet, > the spasm almost over. > "The killer 'bots from Bubble Gum Crisis!" > "Oh. Them.... OH! THEM! GAAAH!" Ben said as the > importance of this fact dawned on him. CROW: Not to mention the dramatic possibilities! > "Boomers? Bubble Gum Crisis?" Kei and Yuri asked in > stereo. > "Never mind! Keep shooting!" Ben and Zone snapped in > unison. CROW: [Zoner] We'll tell you why you have to kill them after you're finished! TOM: [Ben] Oh, and the WPI administration just happens to be the bad guys in another anime too... > "I'm getting tired of being told to never mind," Yuri > said to anyone who was listening, who at the time was no one. > "Look. Over there!" Zoner said, gesturing to a pair of > racing bikes. MIKE: [announcer voice] You can take the bikes... or you can trade them for what's behind curtain number three! > "Think we can hotwire them?" Ben asked. > "We can damn well try." > "Hey! The keys are in them!" > "Oh... Look," Zoner said, gesturing to the Becker > College parking sticker. CROW: Actually, there do seem to be fringe benefits to living in Worcester... > "Natch," Ben quipped. > VVRROOMM!! SSQQUUEEAALL!! > "Get on!" Zoner yelled. Yuri leapt onto his bike, while > Kei mounted Ben's. CROW: Getting in the mood, Kei? > "Hang on, I haven't driven one of these in over a > month," Ben said. > "So, I haven't driven one in at least 15 years. MIKE: [Ben] You've always got to get the last hit in, don't you? > No time > like the present to learn," Zoner replied with a smirk. MIKE: And they aren't going to ask Kei and Yuri if they can drive? CROW: Obviously. I mean, these guys *are* the self-insertions. Kei and Yuri are are just highly competent WWWA troubleshooters. > "What? Are you crazy?" TOM: [Zoner] No, that's Finster. > "Well, my philosophy is, if you try to stay sane in > life, it'll just drive you crazy. So, you may as well go > crazy now and have fun with life." CROW: Seductively attractive... MIKE: We've made it through a lot worse. CROW: I meant for *you.* > Then he grinned darkly and slowly intoned, "It's a > couple of miles to campus...we don't know what we have for > gas...we don't smoke...it's dark...and we're wearing trouble > consultants." TOM: And this evening, Ben and Zoner are wearing absolutely stunning creations in trouble consultants. > "Hit it." Ben finished the thought and fired his bike > out of the garage, with Zoner wildly trying to keep his own > under control behind him. CROW: Blessed mother of improvisation, don't fail us now! > > <> > > The bikes screamed from the garage, flying through the > troop of Boomers and under the three attack choppers. ZARK! > The remaining Boomers shed their human guise in a gross > but effective manner TOM: [singing] I've got you... under my skin... > and fired their thrusters to give chase. > Their lasers and particle cannon lashed out at the fleeing > bikes. MIKE: Those guns must have been pushed just too far. > Kei and Yuri began returning fire. They were > disappointed by their lack of results. > "No use fighting these 'bots, we've gotta lose them!" > noted Yuri. MIKE: No wonder they're disappointed. They have to count on Ben and Zoner now. > "Ben! The tunnel!" MegaZone screamed, gesturing wildly, > then turned onto Main Street. Ben followed suit, before > realizing what Zoner meant. CROW: [Ben] Is this really the time for blatant symbolism? > "Are the choppers that dumb?" queried Ben, more to > himself than anyone else. > "Let's find out." Zoner gunned his engine to a rating > several octaves above manufacturers' recommendations. He > then remembered the joys of third gear. MIKE: Not quite as fabulous as the joys of removing the front wheel from the tar, but not as dangerous as well. > Shift-lurch! > Meanwhile, Ben was all the way to fourth (sick minds! > On a moving superbike?!?! Talk about P-points!) CROW: [calm] He said it; I didn't. > and > screaming almost as loud as his motorcycle. Air moved > against his right ear and formed into the words "How fast are > we going?" MIKE: The atmosphere itself is now on his side! TOM: It's an elaborate way of saying Kei's yelling really loud right into his ear. MIKE: I suppose that's a relief. > [Normally, he would have found such a phenomenon > intolerably stimulating...but not here.] CROW: *Nothing's* as stimulating as hearing loss. > "Do you really wanna know?" he replied beyond the top of > his lungs. > "Uh...hmm." > "I didn't think so!" > Going the wrong way down Main Street into the tunnel is > generally not recommended by the Worcester Police Department. TOM: Except for on Silly Day! MIKE: When's that? TOM: If you knew, it wouldn't be silly, would it? > However, the Worcester penal code was probably not written > considering the needs of motorcyclists who have to deal with > attack helicopters. CROW: Inconsiderate bunch of lawyers, aren't they? > Ben and Zoner avoided the few cars going > the right way that time of night, entered the tunnel, then > saw a flash of light shove its way through the walls. CROW: [Boomer] I just wanted you to know... I've always loved you. > "Yep. They're that dumb," shouted Ben. "One down, two > to go, not to mention Boomer troops." MIKE: Aren't they concerned about the cars driving into the tunnel? TOM: You're taking it too seriously again. CROW: Shall we prepare a game of Wedge chess for you? MIKE: Uh... no. > He found it amazing > that anyone stupid enough not to look for large stationary > objects like, say, tunnel roofs, would be piloting one of > those aerial juggernauts. *slap* Duuuh. TOM: They *are* his enemies, for no good reason. They *are* going to be as dense as concrete. > A Saab 900 Turbo loomed, or at least as close as a Saab > 900 Turbo gets to looming, ahead; Zoner hollered something > unintelligible and ducked around it. It skidded, trying to > dodge him, right into Ben's path. CROW: Once again, Zoner puts Ben on the spot. TOM: And once again, Ben will take the opportunity to show off. > Ben knew a bit about > motorcycles; for one thing, he knew that, with the extra > weight the machine was hauling, CROW: Been hitting the cheesecake a bit too much, Kei? > an attempt to dodge violently > enough to have any chance at success would put them on the > side, skidding under the Saab's wheels. TOM: He's a dabbler when it comes to death-defying stunts, that's all. > "Kei!" he screamed. "When I tell you to, lean back!" > "WHAT?!" > "Just do it, trust me! Ready? NOW!" > As she threw her weight back, so did he, while tossing a > downshift and ramming the throttle open. The racer responded > with a howl, TOM: Now he's working on the sympathetic characters! > its rear wheel clawing at pavement. The front > wheel rose from the ground and struck the speeding Saab's > hood above the front bumper. Momentum, a bit of skill, and a > shit load of luck carried them up and over; MIKE: Plus a little help from the writers, of course. > the bike slammed > into the street front-wheel-first, throwing Ben violently > against the handlebars and Kei violently against Ben. CROW: I guess Ben's going to call it even... > They > wobbled, dipped, ducked, and then recovered--all at sixty > miles per hour. TOM: Now if it had been *fifty* miles per hour--well, *anyone* could have done that. > "You ok?" Kei shouted. > "Fine, you?" > A light squeeze to his shoulder reassured him that she > was. CROW: Aww... How touching. > Zoner jerked his transmission while forgetting the > clutch (hey, it doesn't look like a stick-shift), and Yuri > responded by sinking her left hand deeper into his shoulder > as he tried to look back at Ben and Kei. He still didn't > quite believe he had seen that. TOM: [Zoner] That should have finished him! I would have been free at last! > The twin motorcyclists found > a dead end, and geeked the second 'copter on a conveniently > placed costumed, antennaed figure who then leapt across the > alley as though nothing had happened, a pair of what appeared > to be high-tech binoculars hanging around his neck, > accompanied by a large rabbitlike figure with wings. ALL: SPOOON! MIKE: It may be pointless and blatantly obscure, but we got the reference! TOM: Not that we'll identify it ourselves, of course. MIKE: Hush. > Both bikes turned around, and four pairs of eyes found > the third attack chopper hovering, waiting for them. CROW: Their bodies were on the way to Mexico! > MegaZone gunned his engine first, with a battle cry of > "Shiiiiiiiit!" > The chopper responded by exploding in a tidy fireball TOM: After chapters of megadeaths and mayhem, they're finally learning some self-control! > and falling just behind the twin bikes. Zoner and Ben raced > down Main St. while Kei and Yuri handily plugged the > remaining Boomers. It hadn't taken them long to discover the > head was the weak spot. MIKE: It just took a fast-paced chase scene with Ben and Zoner in the driver's seat. CROW: But hey--it was time well spent! > "Wow...neat..." Zoner was busy admiring the destruction CROW: It's not umpteen smashed police cars, but it's not bad. TOM: Okay, you've carried that "Blues Brothers" reference as far as it'll go. MIKE: Besides, the cops never paid attention to them before... TOM: Still bitter, Mike? > when he banked around a corner and nearly got his head ripped > off by a construction barricade. The words MAX HEADROOM 5'3" > zipped by as he threw an instinctive downshift and ducked > around it; he was feeling pretty damn proud of himself for > that maneuver when he hit a Jersey barrier. TOM: Pride--the deadly sin! CROW: Unless you're Ben, of course. > The front fork > of the bike responded to the stress with a big, very > definitive "NOT" and totally collapsed. MIKE: And so we bid farewell to one of the most keenly characterised bit players in this story yet. > Zone's only warning > of such impending disaster was the sensation of Yuri's > fingernails apparently attempting to etch her initials into > his collarbone. CROW: Wow, she's marking her territory. > MegaZone hung in the air in much the same way CROW: That bricks don't... > that a > B-52 bomber with no functional engines, a full bomb load, > half of one wing blown off, the other wing completely > severed, a fire near the fuel tanks, and a dead crew would, > given the opportunity, CROW: Hey, I liked my metaphor better! MIKE: Well, it was just a cultural reference... > and landed on his back in a dirt pile. > He opened his eyes just in time to see Yuri land gracefully > ten feet in front of him and have the front tire bounce by to > add to his injuries. > Ben succeeded, surprisingly, MIKE: *Nothing* surprises me when it comes to these guys and success. > in a stylish skid-to-a- > halt-with-left-side-banked-and-left-foot-planted stop, > grinned, and announced in his finest Sports-Event-Announcer- > Voice, "And for MegaZone's incredible dismount: a 9, a 9.6, a > 9.9, a 4.2 from the Bulgarian judge, and a 9.6! That's good > enough to move him on to the gold medal round. CROW: [Ben] And for extra dramatic tension--you'll compete in extreme pain! > He would've > had an even better score, but he took a couple of extra steps > on that landing, and it cost him in the final standings. > Thank you for playing `How the fuck do I drive this thing?'!" TOM: How about a hand for our studio audience? > "Very goddamn funny. I'm in a great deal of pain. I am > NOT enjoying this. Do you think we could possibly obtain > some medical attention, NOW?" Zoner snarled. MIKE: He *did* more or less ignore Ben's asthma fit. He might deserve what he gets. > "What, don't you have a DocWagon contract?" Ben > chuckled. > "Oh, a comedian! This is REALITY, not some story from > Shadowrun." > "This isn't Reality. Vaughn's Reality. MIKE: Vaughn? The guy whose shoes vanished during his brief cameo? CROW: It explains a few things, doesn't it? > This is a > motorcycle accident in downtown Worcester." > "BEN!" > "So sorry. Shall I call an ambulance?" > "If you would BE SO KIND!" > Kei dismounted, chuckling, TOM: She knows she made the right choice. > and walked over to check on > Yuri. Yuri, of course, being used to this kind of event, > had landed fine. > Ben hopped off his bike and checked it over; the front > fork was annoyingly bent from the leap he had taken over the > Saab, and the finish on the front fairing was dinged. CROW: [Ben] When I grab somebody's motorcycle at random, I expect it to endure my stunts! > "I have to get a tougher bike," he observed, wincing and > rubbing his shoulder a bit. TOM: All he did was steal it, so what is he doing complaining? CROW: He's laying his plans for the next evening. > "I think I'll achieve unconsciousness now," Zoner said, > closing his eyes. MIKE: He's accomplished everything else--time to go for broke! > "What? Did that hurt him?" Yuri asked. > "Well, actually YES!" Zoner declared in a Carlinesque > manner. CROW: He's not so hurt as to avoid one more pop culture reference, though! > A VR-052 Battler Cyclone-clad figure, smoke still > streaming from a forearm rocket launcher, clunked onto the > scene. TOM: Just like that? CROW: Hey, the injokes are out of the way. What more do you want-- dramatic structure? > Ben, Zoner, Kei, and Yuri looked at the warrior and > prepared to square off for another combat. MIKE: Well, there's another cutscene over. > For Zoner this > involved attempting to peel himself out of the MegaZone- > shaped dent in the sand. > The figure flipped the faceplate back from the helmet, > drew a curly-q in the air, and said, "Gweepings." TOM: Injokes are the one infallible method of communication. > The quartet simultaneously exclaimed, "ReRob!?" CROW: It looks like ReRob is compensating again. Ben and Zoner may have dibsed Kei and Yuri, but they owe their life to him. > MegaZone then collapsed to his back again, letting out a soft > groan as ribs grated together. > > > > Strange and Mysterious Ways-------------------------------SIX > > "Character is what you are in the dark." > --Lord John Whorfin > > The last tap had gone in that afternoon. CROW: The Wedge's new bar was ready for business. > The newly- > pilfered DECstation 5200, overthruster, was linked to the net > with an illegal Ethernet and powered by a tap from the > reactor in Washburn which was also extremely illegal; TOM: Outlaw computing! Stick it to the MAN! > what > none of the NukeEng students realized was that the reactor > was no longer a puny Uranium-235 10-kilowatt reactor. MIKE: It was a giant jelly donut! > Now it > was a radium-reinforced fission unit capable of powering a > Valkyrie fighter in sustained combat. (As if any Valkyrie > pilot would go into combat powered by a fission reactor. > Yeah, right.) MIKE: Do they *really* know that? CROW: Oh, they've got their ways. > No one in the NE department noticed any difference; TOM: Gotcha--no Wedge Rats in *that* department. > all > the extra power was going to power overthruster and an > assembly line. > From his headquarters in the (sub^5)basement of Alden > Hall, MIKE: Even further down than Deep 13! > Largo watched as the last vid display went to static. > "DAMN! They're better than I thought. No," he reconsidered > hastily, "they're just lucky. Next time I won't > underestimate them," Largo sneered. TOM: I thought Largo was more... suave. MIKE: Hey--don't look at me. CROW: Well, he's trying to kill Ben and Zoner--he *must* be evil! > "Entropy! Do you have > any ideas?" TOM: [Largo] I'm fresh out--but don't think this makes me your groupie! > "We could create more Boomers. Or perhaps some Invid," > Entropy, aka Larry Foard, suggested, looking up from his > DECstation 5200. > "No! We must develop a better battle plan. CROW: [Largo] One with rubber baby buggy bumpers! > These > Wedge Rats seemed to be skilled in repelling direct attacks. > We must try subterfuge. We will undermine their efforts to > stop us MIKE: They haven't *tried* to stop him! If he hadn't sent his robot goons against them, they wouldn't have known he existed! TOM: He was defined as their enemy at the script conference. His IQ is pegged at room temperature. > by striking at their weak points," Largo ranted. > "I don't know. I don't really have much against them. > After all, I am considered to be a Wedge Rat too," Larry > protested. MIKE: Larry isn't too concerned about working for someone who's transparently evil. TOM: As I recall, you weren't too concerned about working for Doctor Forrester. MIKE: There were extenuating circumstances! > "Silence! I am paying you well! MIKE: How? CROW: Maybe this Largo character is smart enough to use the magic computer to print money. TOM: What do you expect? He's evil. > After all, it was you > who brought me to this world. You and your gweeping! If you > hadn't hacked your `overthruster' into `itsnotmygoddamn- > planetunderstandmonkeyboy' and started playing with clucomp I > would have never existed in this reality! CROW: [Largo] I never signed up for this fanfic! TOM: [Largo] I wasn't even consulted! > But since I'm here > I might as well flex my muscles and take control of this > worthless campus. MIKE: [Largo] I've got nothing better to do than to conquer the universe, after all... > Once I control Whoopie Tech MIKE: Now Largo is using Wedge slang! [A momentary pause.] CROW: That has connotations *I* don't want to think about. > I'll be able > to use its resources to build the army I will need to control > the world," Largo euthusiastically decried. MIKE: Not so worthless now, is it? CROW: This is as complicated as a "Pinky and the Brain" episode. TOM: [Larry] Gee, Largo, what d'you want to do tonight? > His face > darkened to an evil sneer as he finished with, "And now...you > know too much." > "So, what are the weak points you spoke of?" Larry > asked, utterly unconcerned. MIKE: Well, this Larry character *does* have the self-confidence and the indestructibility of the other Wedge Rats. CROW: Or he's just charmingly dense. > "Their emotions! They actually care for each other. TOM: [disbelieving] NO! > We > must find a way to drive a wedge between these Wedge Rats. > We must find a way to destroy this...Dirty Pair and use this > to destroy the Rats emotionally," Largo declared. MIKE: Wouldn't it really only affect Ben and Zoner? People like Rick might be a little happy. TOM: Ben and Zoner are the only ones who count. > "The loss > of those two women will deprive them of a good deal of their > combat skill as well..." > "Wedge between Wedge Rats? Sheesh!" Larry mumbled. TOM: [Larry] You missed the cameo. No wonder you need my help. > "What was that?" > "I said, `whatever'...I suppose it's up to me to find a > way to do this, right?" > "Of course. That is what I pay you for!" CROW: [Larry] Well, tell me how you're going to pay me, and we'll call it even. > "Fine, so leave me alone and let me get to work." With > this Entropy bent over the keyboard to overthruster and began > hacking the source to clucomp. "This may take a while." MIKE: [Larry] Go study our injokes, or something. > > Ben crawled into his sleeping bag, never more grateful > in his life for a warm, semi-comfortable place to sleep. > (Just lucky it was his turn for the bed.) TOM: There, the lumps stay put. > He was quite > surprised, then, to be awakened a few seconds later by Kei, > who was crawling in beside him. > "What," he inquired curiously, "are you doing?" > "It's cold on the floor--you've got room," she replied. MIKE: *In* his *half* of the sleeping bag? CROW: Ooh, nice and cozy! > Ben tried desperately to keep his head from spinning; he > needed all the brainpower he could muster at three-thirty in > the Oh my God, what are we doing up this late 'ning to figure > out what was going on. CROW: That's our Ben--perky and alert the whole day long! > Could it be that this incredibly > beautiful girl from the inside of a hard disk found him-- > short, squat him--attractive somehow? TOM: If women from the inside of *floppies* find him attractive, he's sure he's having a good day. > The very thought was > inconceivable. Women thought of him as a friend, a > confidant, a non-threatening male presence--never as an > object of romance. CROW: You know, there's something very significant about this paragraph... > It was at that moment that she shifted closer; before > they had been in the same sleeping bag, but separate, and the > balance on the narrow college bed was somewhat precarious. > Now she had shifted closer; MIKE: Yes, we got that the first time... > all along them, there was > contact. TOM: Maybe we'll be lucky, and they'll short out. > Kei had removed her invisible polycarbonate- > laminate body armor; MIKE: Finding invisible clothes must be a pain in the morning. > all that stood between them was his > clothing and her 3WA uniform. If he hadn't've been so bone- > tired, Ben would've found that unbearably exciting. CROW: Breaking new ground here, hmm? > As it was, he did nothing but fall extremely asleep. > That was ok, so did Kei. > > <> > > Zoner led Yuri into NY8XW305 (well, that was the license > plate on the door; TOM: If nothing else, it's cozy. > actually it was Ellsworth 7). Logan was > sleeping on the fold-a-couch in the living room. Apparently > he had anticipated being thrown out of the room by Zoner > again and decided he didn't want to be awakened again. MIKE: Poor Logan. There must have been a little trouble with the room assignment cards... > "Are you OK?" Yuri asked, concerned. > "Well, I have contusions, lacerations, two broken ribs, > and my entire body hurts, but other than that I'm just > F-I-N-E," Zoner intoned solemnly. > "Fine?" > "No, F-I-N-E: Fucked-up, Insecure, Neurotic, and > Emotional," Zoner answered. Yuri chuckled. MIKE: He actually explained the injoke. CROW: He's headed for home. He doesn't want to be tagged out now. > "Well, your sense of humor isn't hurt." > "That's about the only thing that isn't." > "Oh, really," Yuri said, a mischievous grin spreading > across her face. TOM: [Yuri] Let's play nurse! > "Uh, Yuri. What are you thinking?" > "Wouldn't you like to know." > "MMgggaazznn, thht yoo???" Logan muttered. > "No, you're dreaming," Zoner whispered. CROW: Ah, but is it a sweet dream, or a nightmare? > "KK..." Logan mumbled and rolled over. > "Let's go upstairs before we wake him up," Zoner said, > waving his arm toward the staircase. > "Okay," Yuri said, that same infuriating grin on her > face. MIKE: And this from the guy with the sanity-shaking smirk. > Yuri led the way up to Zoner's room. Once inside Yuri > closed the door and locked it. > "Ummm, Yuri. I may be naive, but I'm not stupid. What > exactly are you planning?" Zoner asked after noticing her > locking the door. CROW: Quick, Zoner! Out the window! > "Well, I wanted to tell you that you were great out > there today." CROW: [Yuri] You broke those ribs with *style!* > "And for this you needed to lock the door?" TOM: [Yuri] It's not like I want to tell the world. > The reality > of the situation was slowly dawning on him. > "Well, no. But I also wanted to tell you that, well, > that I'm attracted to you." CROW: [Yuri] And frankly, it bothers me. > Zoner took a step back. "Ah, right. Sure. Listen, > you're a fictional character and I'm a screwed up college > super-sophomore. MIKE: [announcer voice] Super-Sophomore! Disguised as a mild-mannered student on a major polytechnic institute, he fights a never-ending battle for injokes, wish fulfilment, and the Wedge Rat way! > I don't think this is gonna to work." > "Why not? You don't find me attractive?" Yuri asked, > mildly annoyed. TOM: That's right--the first thing to worry about here is your looks. > "Hey, whoa. I never said that. Of course I do. You're > interesting, beautiful, and being with you is certainly never > boring," Zoner defended. CROW: [Zoner] You could be a little more fawning, but nobody's perfect... > "So, what's the problem?" Yuri asked again, walking over > to Zoner. > "I don't know. I was never one to just jump into a > relationship. This is moving a little too quick, my head is > spinning. I almost DIED tonight. TOM: [Zoner] I'm too shaken to rock your world. Give me half an hour. > Now, I don't care about > death. It doesn't scare me. But I don't want to die just > yet," Zoner emphatically stated. > "So I'm a hazard to be avoided?" Yuri asked, apparently > insulted. TOM: [Yuri] Not that you've done it yet, of course, but why should I trust you now? > "No, no, no. I don't know what I mean. I guess I'm > just surprised. Kei, well, I would sort of expect this from > Kei, which reminds me, I wonder what-- CROW: Ooh, Zoner is showing his true colours! > no, I don't wanna > know," he said, lapsing briefly into It's-late-I'm-tired-I'm- > talking-faster-than-I-think mode before recovering CROW: Oh, nuts... I was hoping she would break a couple more ribs or something. > and > continuing with, "She seems to move pretty quick, but I guess > coming from you it sort of surprised me. Especially since > you're so beautiful and this school has a male to female > ratio of about 5 to 1. You could have just about anyone you > wanted. CROW: [Yuri] Oh, I can, can I? Well, see you. It's been a blast... > So why me?" Zoner asked. > "Well, you don't run away when you see us for one, even > though you know about our past. CROW: In short, she's desperate. > Second, you're interesting. > I enjoy talking to you. You're a nice guy." MIKE: So, she falls for him because... she falls for him. TOM: It *is* a change from all those other self-insertion fanfics where the male lead is so smooth you can cook on him. > "Ouch! Nice GuyTM! That's almost as bad as having a > great personality!" TOM: Of course, Zoner can't quite believe it's happening, either. > "I was about to say that," Yuri mumbled. > "And could you really handle being my SO? I'm Joe > Average when it comes to looks. I'm overweight and out of > shape. MIKE: [Zoner] And those are my *good* qualities! > You always seem to go for, well, for.." > "Hunks?" Yuri ventured. TOM: There's that pesky thing called "canon" for you. > "Yeah, hunks," Zoner continued. "So, are you still > interested in me?" CROW: [Yuri] Well, now that you've mentioned it, no. > "Yes. TOM: But who cares about canon? He's got *contrivances* on his side! > There should be much more to a relationship than > looks. MIKE: [Zoner] Well, whatever floats *your* boat. > I LIKE you. CROW: [Yuri] Just don't ask me why. > You actually talk to me and are > interested in what I say. You like me for who I am, not just > for my body." CROW: And all those other self-insertions think they have to be the most handsome man in the world-- TOM: --With a convoluted ancestry-- MIKE: --And a list of talents as long as both arms-- CROW: --To get the nubile anime female. If only they'd learn... > "Well, I like that too," Zoner jabbed. MIKE: [Zoner] Let's not get *too* gushy touchy-feely sentimental here. > "Oh, really," Yuri said, that smile returning. "So, > let's see if I can make you forget your injuries." CROW: Yuri, clasping Zoner's shattered ribcage in a passionate embrace... Yeah, that'll make him forget his injuries. > "Wait a minute, Yuri, I--mmmpphhh--" Zoner's response > was cut off as Yuri kissed him full on the lips. > "Do you still have cold feet?" Yuri asked, a twisted > little grin on her face. CROW: "Twisted?" It looks like Yuri has the same idea as me... > "Well, actually yes, but I think that's because the > window is open," Zoner joked. > "Oh, come here," Yuri said, pulling Zoner towards the > bunk. > > Ben awoke at ten-fourteen the next morning, TOM: Suddenly, I'm glad to see his face. CROW: Oh, please. You know he's got to match Zoner at least. TOM: [bitterly] I could pretend I didn't until you reminded me. > having had > the most bizarre dream of his life. Giant 'bots, lasers, > motorcycles, and God only knows what else. It was all a > purple haze. ALL: [singing] Actin' funny, but I don't know why-- 'Scuse me while I kiss this guy! > A finger tapped him on the shoulder; he rolled a bit and > peeled his protesting eyes open. His vision got as close to > focused as it ever got without his glasses; Kei was propped > up on an elbow, grinning at him in that annoying way that > morning people do. TOM: They're at different poles. The relationship won't work. It won't, it won't, it won't... MIKE: Sorry, Tom... Repeating yourself won't change things. > Even with his unfocused vision and the > fact that she apparently had also just awakened, she was > beautiful; Ben was immediately quite conscious of what hell > he looked like in the morning, and immediately tried to slip > down into the bag again. CROW: Ben gives the audience what it wants! > "Stop that," Kei chided him. "What're you hiding for?" > "I look like hell," Ben replied. MIKE: [Ben] I'm not worthy! I'm not... Uh, feel free to convince me otherwise. > "Not to me you don't." > "Oh, come on." Ben surfaced, a tad of defensive ire > arising inside him. TOM: Followed by a smidgen of last night's dinner. > "Don't pull this routine with me; I've > been down this path before. You could have any guy you > want-- CROW: [Kei] Well, why didn't you tell me in the *first* place? Here I am, wasting my time... > don't try and make me think you find me attractive. > I'm not that stupid." > Kei looked hurt. "Why would I lie to you?" > "I don't know, but it's been done to me before. I'm > very familiar with the concept of cruelty." TOM: So... Ben has been hurt in love before, and now he's offered a relationship with a fictional character. Yeah, that makes sense. > "I do find you attractive," she said. "You're a very > special guy. MIKE: [Ben] Tell me something I *don't* know. > For one thing, you don't scream and run the > instant you see us on the horizon, like most men." CROW: In short, she's also desperate. > "Yeah, well, I'm for certain not the kind of..." > "Hunk?" MIKE: The fanfic is lapping itself! TOM: Just be glad there isn't a Dirty Trio. Otherwise, ReRob would be going through this in a few minutes. CROW: He must be kicking himself for picking the short straw. > "Yeah, whatever...I'm not the kind of guy you usually > look for." TOM: I have the feeling that Ben's more the kind of guy who looks a gift horse in the mouth. > "Let me let you in on a little secret. Huge, muscular > hunks are always either one of three things. Unmercifully > stupid, taken, or gay. You are obviously none of the above." MIKE: Well, the taken part is fine, and I suppose she's right about him being straight... but I don't know about that stupid factor. > "Yeah, well, be that as it may, I'll believe this > particular bit of weirdness when I see it." > "You honestly don't believe me? Fine! I'll prove it to > you." TOM: [Kei] What's the cube root of sixty-four? > And with that, she grabbed his head and planted an > ardent kiss on him. CROW: [Kei] Water and weed it, and it might become something. > When she released him a minute and a half later, he let > out a small "gaaah?" and slumped back on the pillow. MIKE: Was that quite the answer she expected? > "You see?" she said to him. "I could have any man I > want, you said so yourself. So why would I have wasted > something like that on someone I didn't find attractive? CROW: [Kei] One last gasp of individuality before I become your woman... > Wow, you're paranoid." > "No," he said weakly, "I'm not Paranoid. Jen's > Paranoid. I'm Gryphon." > "What? I'm confused now." > "No, you're not Confused. Rob Crocker's Confused. > You're Kei." TOM: [Ben] You don't get a special name, so neener neener neener. CROW: [Kei] You're crazy. TOM: [Ben] No, that's Finster. > "Gweeps," Kei said, shrugging, and kissed him again. > "Wait a second," he said, pushing her gently aside. > "This is... wrong." CROW: You took the words right out of my mouth. > "Why is it wrong? We're both mature individuals--you're > eighteen, I'm nineteen--we can make our own decisions. I > like you, you like me, MIKE: [singing] We're a happy family... TOM: Mike! No! MIKE: Just answering treacle with treacle. > where's the problem?" > "You're not nineteen, Kei...you're four days old. CROW: [Ben] I prefer at least *five* days before I consummate an enduring relationship. > You > were created out of thin air on Wednesday, I'm still not sure > how...what I am sure of is that I'm the one who did it. I'm > your creator, for God's sake." TOM: I just hate this self-referential dialogue. CROW: [Ben] So bow down before me! > "So? Where's the harm? TOM: Oh, just her self-esteem and character after being told about her paucity of real experience, but never mind: we've got a seduction to get back to! > There's nothing genetic > involved, no precedent... CROW: Yeah, who's ever had the chance to sleep with a fictional character? MIKE: Joe DiMaggio. TOM: And Tommy Lee, only more so. > I'm attracted to you, hard as that > may seem for you to believe, CROW: And believe you me, sister, it's *very* hard. > and you're quite apparently > attracted to me...so why not?" TOM: [Kei] You've got nothing better to do. CROW: [Kei] Come on, I dare you! > He put on his glasses for a second and looked at her; > focused, she was even more beautiful. His senses reeled. > "Can't see me? Are you nearsighted?" CROW: Zoner's overweight, Ben needs glasses... MIKE: It is a change from the typical good-looking self-insertion character. TOM: Nevertheless, they must be very grateful for the existence of the keyboard. > He nodded. She > took his glasses and laid them on the trunk. "Guess I'll > have to get closer then." CROW: [Kei] In yer face, Ben! > "Kei--" > "Shh," she silenced him with a fingertip's touch to his > lips. "Don't worry about it. We're here, it's working, it's > right. Don't argue with it--you're only arguing with > yourself if you do that." CROW: If he argues with her, he's arguing with himself... Truer words have never been spoken. > She smiled a cockeyed little grin. > "So let's...experiment, shall we?" TOM: [Kei] Does it hurt when I move your arm this way? > > <> MIKE: Let's get up and get out of here. CROW: [sullen] Yeah. > > He didn't make it to many afternoon Wedgely things that > day. > [Mike picks up Tom, and Crow leads him out of the theatre.] [commercials] [SOL bridge. Gypsy is behind the desk as Mike and the bots wander in. They are in a less than pleasant mood.] CROW: Just one more fanboy fantasy, that's all. TOM: You said it, Crow. Once more, unbelievable success is intimately linked to writing themselves into the story. GYPSY: You know, you're pretty negative today, guys. MIKE: Well... maybe you're right, Gypsy. Maybe we're letting our tastes run away with us. After all--this thing did touch some sort of chord in some people. CROW: Yeah. After all, don't we all have grandiose daydreams of saving the universe and winning the respect--or more--of fictional characters? MIKE: So you're saying the potential for writing a self-insertion fanfic lies within all of us? CROW: Absolutely. So... what would you write? You start, Gypsy. GYPSY: Well, um... [chuckles] I'd start by rebuilding the Satellite into a submarine-- CROW: How? MIKE: It's self-insertion, Crow. She can do anything she wants to. TOM: An interesting inversion on the usual course of events... Well, go on, Gypsy. GYPSY: And then I'd land and get the Submarine of Love a guest spot on Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea-- CROW: [quickly] Well, I see where this is going. How about you, Tom? TOM: Well, I've always held that Hamlet could be punched up quite a bit. I mean, he would have done a better job if he'd had a bit less angst. MIKE: So you'd become Hamlet, is that it? TOM: Mike, Mike, Mike. That's not the done thing. I'd be Tomencratz. With my companion Crowenstern-- CROW: That's thoughtful, Tom. TOM: --But, of course, Tomencratz would do most of the work. He'd tell Hamlet to stop worrying about whether to be or not to be, and to get with the program of killing his uncle. If Hamlet can't see reason, I'd do the job myself. Of course, this would impress Ophelia enough for her to dump that loser-- CROW: [quickly] It's your turn, Mike. MIKE: Well... I think it would be nice to envision myself as having martial arts skills. [The bots snigger.] MIKE: Well, I would! With these skills, I'd quickly overpower and subdue Dr. Forrester and Frank when they tried to shoot me into space. I'd find a way to bring you down safely, we'd rescue Joel from the outback, and then we'd all go to Hollywood to make a successful television show based on our experiences. CROW: That's just wish fulfilment, Mike. MIKE: What? There isn't enough wish fulfilment in these fanfics already? TOM: Well, I suppose that's a good point. It's your turn now, Crow. CROW: [immediately] I'd be a sandwich maker. MIKE: A sandwich-- CROW: [sudden, almost maniacal] The *best* sandwich maker *in the universe!* Of course, my skill would let me join the courts of galactic empires with foxy female empresses. TOM: Which ones? CROW: *All* of them, Tom. MIKE: Okay... I guess that would work. Now, what have we learned from this? BOTS: That we should never do this again. [Lights, sirens, mayhem.] ALL: We've got fanfic sign! [...6...5...4...3...2...1...] > > [Mike leads Crow into the theatre, and puts Tom in his seat.] > The Mellow Day------------------------------------------SEVEN MIKE: That was a side of our personalities we normally we don't see. CROW: For good reason. > > "Things we do instead of doing our homework." > --Zoner > > > <> > > Ben wandered into the Wedge that afternoon around five, > wearing a t-shirt that said "Operation Zenith TOM: [announcer voice] The ego goes in before the shirt goes on. > --WE NEVER FAIL" > and a strange, inscrutable smile; CROW: Well, what do you expect? He's finally had a chance to change his clothing. > Kei was with him, wearing > an exact duplicate of his shirt. CROW: Aaw, what about her scandalously revealing uniform? TOM: Her... ample charms are now reserved for Ben alone. > They settled into a Wedge > booth; he opened up his backpack, removed a largish printout, > and they began to read, the very picture of serene > relaxation. MIKE: At least until Kei finishes a page before Ben does. > "Hey, Gryph!" ReRob called as he entered. "Where were > you all this afternoon?" > "In my room," Ben replied without looking up. > "You overslept?" CROW: [sarcastic Ben] No, I was *studying!* > "Something like that." He was steadfastly remaining > mysterious about whatever he had been doing; that confused > ReRob, but there was really a good reason for it. TOM: Seeing ReRob humiliated by his inability to grasp the obvious? Good reason! > The last > thing he wanted to discuss with ReRob was purity loss. MIKE: Which is also the last thing he wants to discuss with the readers. TOM: *That's* a given. > What > was the purity loss for making it with a cartoon character? > One you brought to life? He didn't want to think about it. CROW: And with good reason. She's a fictional character, she's his own creation... I suspect the loss would be very small indeed. > He was just too damned happy. > "What do you mean, `Something like that'? Either you > overslept or you didn't..." ReRob's voice trailed off as an > unsettling thought occurred to him. "Unless... no. Tell me > you didn't--" MIKE: [ReRob] You spent all night playing *Scrabble?* You're a sick, sick man! > "Didn't what?" MegaZone asked, walking in from the > gweepery's direction with another silly smirk on his face CROW: Does he stockpile them or something? > and > Yuri at his side. > "He didn't make it out of his room this afternoon," said > ReRob, angling a thumb at Ben. "So I asked him if he > overslept and he said, `Something like that.'" TOM: [ReRob] It could be an injoke. I want a second opinion. > "So?" said Zoner. "Big deal." MIKE: [Zoner] Can't you figure anything out from context? > "For that matter, where've you been?" > MegaZone replied, "You live with me, remember?" CROW: [ReRob] I guess I repressed the memory again. > "Oh yeah. So you're just getting up? What time did you > get into bed?" > "Yes, and about 3 or 4 AM. But I didn't get to sleep > for a few hours." CROW: You wouldn't think it would take *that* long to get over the trauma. > "What does that mean?" ReRob asked. > Zoner replied with his patented smirk. TOM: You know, one of these days his face is going to freeze that way! And when it does, I'll be happy! > "Why is everyone in obscurity mode today?" ReRob > demanded. "This is getting frustrating." > "I don't feel frustrated," Ben said calmly, putting his > feet up on the Wedge table and flopping the printout into his > lap. CROW: Yikes--he hit the tender spot! > "You feel frustrated, Zoner?" > MegaZone sat down in the side of the booth, put up his > feet, cracked a Dew, the beverage of the Gods, MIKE: Talk about your subtle product placement. > and responded, > "No, can't say as I do...Yuri?" > "No frustration here," Yuri replied, settling gracefully > into the booth next to him and opening her own Dew. TOM: All right, she's sleeping with him... but I draw the line at admitting she's picked up his taste in drinks! > "Kei?" > "Not a bit." She smiled and leaned closer against Ben's > shoulder as he leafed through the printout. ReRob caught a > glimpse of the burst sheet; it was the Principia Discordia. CROW: Nothing's so romantic as curling up with the text of a secret society's bizarre religion. TOM: All hail Chaos! > Ben took a sip of his Old Tyme Jamaican Style Ginger Beer, > almost managed to not wince, TOM: [announcer voice] We've secretly replaced their trendy independent soft drink with Folger's Crystals. Let's see if they noticed. > and then handed it to Kei, who > slugged it in an impressive manner (Meta Chi nick for OTJSGB: > Drano) before handing it back. MIKE: Well, it's good to know she can still outperform him in one area, however small, however linked to his flavour of the month. > "See?" said Ben with a grin. "Nobody's frustrated. CROW: [Ben] Nobody *important.* > It's a totally mellow day." He went back to reading. > ReRob started to get some inkling of what was going on; > even for the nigh-oblivious, the signposts here were just too > obvious to miss. TOM: [ReRob] At least tell me you used protection. CROW: [Kei] Oh, I had my gun with me all the time. > "So, what DID keep you up last night, Zoner?" ReRob > persisted. > "Losing P-points," Zoner jabbed. CROW: [Zoner] Not many, mind you... > "Ahem, right. Ben, what were you doing?" > "Last night? Sleeping," Ben answered truthfully, > eliciting a sidelong glance from Zoner and returning an > earnest little nod. TOM: [Ben] I prefer slightly larger nods, thank you very much. > Crocker walked in and asked about the same questions > ReRob did to Ben and Zoner. He then turned to ReRob, who was > covered with minor scrapes and bruises. MIKE: I thought he was wearing armour. TOM: Have you ever noticed how anime characters never change out of their special costumes? MIKE: Ah... a little trouble disrobing, I see. > "Looks like you had > some fun last night. Do I know her?" > "No, but you should. She's really into inflicting pain. > It's her entire mission in life." CROW: ReRob is definitely in extreme compensation mode now. > "Sounds kinky!" > "Not really kinky, just painful. But, Gaah!, she knows > how to ride. Trust me, you two would mesh well together. > I'll get one for you." > Crocker turned and left the room more Confused than > ever. MIKE: Confusion is good for a man. It builds character. TOM: You would know. > Ktefft approached the four smug Wedge residents. "Um, > can I talk to you?" Kevin asked, gesturing towards Zoner. > Zoner got up, wincing from the pain of his broken ribs. CROW: Shattered ribcage... Yeesh, I didn't *really* think Zoner was into that kind of thing! > Yuri began to get up with him, but Zoner motioned her to > stay. He told her, "This will only take a minute." TOM: [Zoner] You'll appreciate me all the more when I come back. > "Whassup?" Zoner asked. > "I need to talk to you about those two," Kevin said, > motioning towards the Pair with his head. > "Yeah, what about?" > "Kelli pointed them out to me, and I think there is > something strange about those two women." CROW: [Kevin] For one thing, they hang around you and Ben... > "Strange? As in magically active?" TOM: [Zoner] I'm going to pretend you didn't say that... > "Well, yeah. They look different." CROW: [Kevin] And I'm going to pretend you don't have the power to decide who lives and who dies. > "Worse that Paul?" > "No, no. Paul is DIFFERENT. They just look strange." CROW: Well, of course they do. They're anime characters. MIKE: You'd think they'd all know that by now. CROW: Unless *everyone* is a... TOM: [firmly] No. I refuse to believe that these guys have added that final touch to their bloated attribute list. > "Kevin, they are psionically active. MIKE: What does that have to do with how they look? TOM: It's those super-senses at work again. > They're an ESPer > team. Random, somewhat inaccurate, and certainly annoying > gestalt contact clairvoyance. I've seen it, it's no big > thing." > "Oh, well, that explains it." CROW: [Kevin] Is *that* all? And here I was worried they were fictional characters brought to life to inflate your egos. > "Tell you what. Take them over to Higgins House on the > full moon. I think it's the 23rd." MIKE: [Zoner] They serve this really delicious buffet then... you just have to like spicy food. > "Ok. Will do. You doing a Shadowrun this Tuesday?" > "Don't think so. Someone else is." > "Ok, seeya 'round." MIKE: Did that really accomplish anything? TOM: It gave the guy with the flamethrower one more scene. > MegaZone walked back over to the Wedge cubicle and sat > down next to Yuri, wincing again. CROW: [Zoner] Man, spend one night of passion with a curvaceous anime female, and suddenly you can't get away... > Yuri cuddled up to him. > "What did he want?" Yuri asked. > "Not much. He just commented on the psionic powers you > two have." TOM: [Zoner] He'll probably involve you in an elaborate psychic struggle against the forces of darkness, but it's not a big deal. > "How did he know about them?" Kei asked. > "Long story. Let's just say that Kevin knows these > things, OK?" Zoner answered. MIKE: Couldn't he just admit Kevin's watched the Dirty Pair anime or something? TOM: Hey, self-insertions have to stick together to maintain their invincibility. > "Ok, I guess." Kei replied. "Hey, I wasn't done reading > that page." > "Oh, sorry." Ben flipped back a page. CROW: Sorry, Mike... I guess Ben reads faster than Kei as well. > Badger walked into the Wedge, hugging everyone she knew, > which included Zoner. When she hugged him Yuri visibly > stiffened. CROW: [Yuri] Play on my sympathy, Mister No-Woman-Wants-Me? Well, play with *this!* > "'Tis ok, Yuri. She's just a friend," Zoner said, > trying to calm her. TOM: [Yuri] Yeah, and this is just my gun! > "Has anyone seen Entropy?" Badger asked. > There was a resounding chorus of 'no' and then it struck > everyone. No one had seen Larry in a long time. A few of > them wondered what the computer god could be up to. Oh well, > he would probably be on the Encore. MIKE: Larry's the kind of guy you just can't get enough of. > "Have someone at the > Wedge terms do a Super-Who," Zoner suggested. > "Good idea." Badger said as she walked off. TOM: Yep, Zoner has once more dispensed his patent brand of directive wisdom. > A few minutes after she left Zoner looked around and > asked, "Ten Minute Walk?", this being the standard colloquial > statement signifying a trip to Playoff Entertainment, the > local electronic reflex testing center, aka arcade. CROW: They *clarified* their latest description? Shock and horror! > Why it > is called Ten Minute Walk is another story altogether which > we will not go into now. MIKE: At least they're identifying the injokes now, even if they aren't explaining them. > The replies were all negative, except Yuri's. > "What's Ten Minute Walk?" she asked. CROW: You'd think she'd be able to recognise an injoke by now. > "It's an arcade, you know, video games. Sort of > electronic combat simulations. Things like that," Zoner > replied. > "Sounds interesting, let's go." > "Ok. Anyone else?" > There was an overwhelming wave of apathy and general > negative responsiveness. TOM: Art imitates life. > So Zoner and Yuri just got up, said > their goodbyes, CROW: Farewell! TOM: See you later! MIKE: Au revoir! CROW: Sayonara! TOM: [muffled voice] And don't come back. > and left the Wedge. > > > > Unsafe At Any Speed-------------------------------------EIGHT > > "You're drunk. Give me the keys. I'll drive." > --Stevie Wonder > > As they walked across Institute Road to the Ellsworth > parking lot, dodging speeding traffic on the way, CROW: Once you've stared death in the face, you have to find your excitement where you can. > Yuri asked > "Can I drive?" > "I dunno, can you?" Zoner responded. MIKE: [Zoner] I didn't see Ben set the preference flags, after all... > "You know what I mean. I need more experience driving > your cars." > "Well, it is a company car and I'm not supposed to let > anyone else drive it..." CROW: [Zoner] I could put you on the payroll, but then I'd just insult you! > "Oh, please," Yuri whined, batting her eyelashes and > making herself look irresistible. It worked. MIKE: He caved in fast. CROW: The last time Yuri used feminine wiles on him, he scored. He sticks with what works. > "Ok. Just take it easy." > > The car was easy to find. CROW: It was the only Egomobile on the lot. TOM: I don't know... boys and their cars, you know. > It was a bright red Daytona > ES with New York vanity plates which read, surprise, > MEGAZONE. MIKE: What day is it? It feels like Sunday, but I thought Zoner said he wouldn't have his car back until Monday. TOM: Hey--self-insertion's good for more than just relationships. > Yuri slid into the driver's seat and adjusted it > to fit her form; Zoner slid into the passenger seat, slamming > his head on the door frame in the process. CROW: Yuri inflicted pain on the car by adjusting the seat... Zoner's trying to say he's sorry by having the car inflict pain on him. > "You know what you're doing right?" Zoner asked, > genuinely concerned...about the car of course. MIKE: After all, we haven't seen its invincibility conclusively demonstrated yet. > "Yes, I turn the key to start it. And I shift with this > and the pedal on the right is the gas, the left it the > brake," Yuri answered condescendingly. Luckily the car was > an automatic, so there was no clutch for Zoner to worry > about. CROW: How nice... he can concentrate his worries. > "Ok. So let's go. Take a right out of the lot, and a > left onto Institute. Then a left onto Park." > Yuri backed out of the parking space and drove out onto > the streets of Worcester. She did fine, maybe using just a > little too much of the turbo. TOM: And believe me, Zoner could tell! > "Just keep driving down this way, it's a ways down," > Zoner instructed. > Everything went fine until the guy in the Probe cut Yuri > off. CROW: [announcer voice] Have you driven over a Ford lately? > "Hey, who does he think he is?!" Yuri exclaimed. > "Just a Masshole, don't worry about it. You get used to > it," Zoner calmly replied. > > <> ALL: [singing] It's the little old lady from Pasadena... > > "Well, it isn't very nice. I think I should teach him a > lesson." With that she dropped the accelerator to the floor. > "Ah, Yuri, what the hell are you doing?" Zoner shrieked, > suddenly panicked. TOM: [Zoner] If I wanted you to fight my battles for me *in my car,* I'd have *asked* you! > "It's ok. I'm know what I'm doing," Yuri replied as she > pulled alongside the Probe. > "Don't do this Yuriiiiiii!" CROW: Well, Zoner has just learned his Valuable Life Lesson for the day. > Yuri swerved toward the Probe, trying to cut him off, > but she misjudged the distance and slammed the driver's side > of the Daytona from Hell into the right front corner of the > Probe. CROW: No! Not his car! TOM: I never dreamed he would be subjected to *this* agony! > "My car!" Zoner screamed. > "Sorry," Yuri apologized. > "Watch the road!" > "Ayieeee!" Yuri shrieked as she swerved left to avoid > the large truck in her lane. This of course caused her to > sideswipe the Probe, which then crossed the two oncoming > lanes of traffic and slammed into the CVS across the street. MIKE: Why don't they look? > Inside the store pfloyd looked up at the tremendous > noise as the Probe removed most of the entryway corner of the > store. CROW: Now pfloyd's been granted a cameo. MIKE: At least there wasn't a pun and injoke too. > "I hope he'll be alright," Yuri said, glancing back at > the crash. > "The road!" Zoner screamed, covering his eyes. TOM: [Yuri] When you're too scared to look? > Yuri turned back just in time to avoid the line of > stopped traffic in her lane. She swerved into the left lane > and shot through the intersection with Chandler Street, > clipping MIKE: ...And saving! > two cars which were passing through the > intersection. > Zoner was beyond coherency, he just moaned quite a bit. > Especially when he felt the Daytona impact something. CROW: Every impact tore another shard from his fragile psyche. > Yuri was busy dodging traffic and violating every known > traffic law in the process. She swerved back to the right MIKE: ...For the primaries... > to > avoid the oncoming traffic, then onto the sidewalk to avoid > the traffic on that side of the road. This accomplished the > removal of most of the right side of the car on the fronts of > the buildings along that side. TOM: Hey, it's an accomplishment to be proud of! > "Yuri, why don't you use the brake?" > "What? Oh, yeah." CROW: [Yuri] Boy, is my face red... TOM: [Yuri] You know, you could have told me... MIKE: [Zoner] So this is *my* fault? > She successfully brought the car to a halt in the > parking lot of State Liquor. TOM: Ah, sweet liquor eases the pain. > Zoner got out and assessed the > damage. There was a lot to assess. > "M-m-m-m-my car! What have you done. It's dead!" CROW: [Zoner] It had so much to live for, too! > "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." > "You didn't mean it?! You didn't MEAN it?! What is > that supposed to mean???" Zoner screamed. > "It's not my fault! I'm not used to these vehicles. > And if that guy hadn't cut me off in the first place..." TOM: [Yuri] I'll kill him for you, I promise! > "Please be quiet. I really don't want to hurt you." > "Well, I was just saying..." > "Please, just don't say anything. I like you too much > to kill you." CROW: Aah, sweet death. The answer to almost every problem. > Zoner added the damage up in his head. TOM: And hit an overflow error. > The entire > fascia was gone. Both fenders were destroyed. Hell, the > entire right side of the car was ground down. Both mirrors > were gone. The driver's door was dented. All of the air > skirts were FUBAR. And there was some liquid dripping onto > the ground from under the hood. TOM: Maple syrup? How did that get there? > After composing himself as best he could Zoner spoke. > "Yuri, get in the passenger side. And don't say a word." CROW: [Zoner] It'll take more than talking to smooth this over, believe me... > Yuri was about to say something, but after looking at > the cold fire in Zoner's eyes she thought it might not be a > good idea. CROW: Ooh... a love triangle! > Zoner drove back to campus, using the back roads so as > not to pass by any of the destruction Yuri had caused, > mumbling the whole time about repairs, cops, and mayhem. MIKE: Cops? Where? CROW: There are traffic cops--remember? TOM: They only existed to be humiliated, though. > He > parked the Daytona from Hell in the Ellsworth parking lot and > said to Yuri, "Leave me alone. Please." TOM: [Zoner] Just leave with me with the remains of the one who *really* understood me! > "Listen, I'm sorry. It wasn't my fault, really, I..." > "No more. Please, just go back to the Wedge. I'll be > over, later." > Yuri exited the car and strolled over to the Wedge. MIKE: Strolling? It's like she's in a good mood. CROW: Well, what did you expect? > Zoner just sat there beating his head against the steering > wheel, mumbling about being killed by his parents CROW: I guess some things must run in the family... > and how > much the cost to repair the damage would be. > > "'Lo, Yuri," said Ben as Yuri entered the Wedge. > "You're back early..." > "I, ah, had a little trouble with the car..." > "A little trouble?" Kei said with a smile. CROW: [Yuri] There's still *something* left of it! > "He let you > drive? Ha! Doesn't he have any idea how stupid that is?" TOM: At least Kei still knows Yuri better than Zoner. For the moment, I'm happy. > "And just what is that supposed to mean?" > "To put it simply, you can't drive worth a damn." > "Oh really." Yuri considered her options for a moment, MIKE: Tears were not enough. > then sat down in another Wedge booth, tossing back, "Well, at > least I don't have to hold my breath to fit into my > battlearmor." ALL: Low blow! Low blow! TOM: Is there no end to this sudden depravity? > "THAT'S NOT FAIR!" Kei screamed, leaping up. "You're > the one who adjusted all the locking plates so the damn thing > didn't fit!" > "That's because I wore it last. It fit me perfectly," > said Yuri with a small grin. MIKE: They share their armour? TOM: Well, this is one small scene with them together, but without Ben and Zoner. Why not play up the fact they once were an independent team to the hilt? > Ben was having too good a day to allow this to continue. > Rising from his seat, he said calmly, "Please...it's too nice > a day... MIKE: Too nice a day for *him.* CROW: Hey, that's what counts! > Yuri, what exactly did you do to MegaZone's car?" > Yuri described in gritty detail the entire affair. > "Ouch," Ben winced as she finished. "That has to hurt." > Then an evil smile spread across his face. TOM: And why not? Zoner's been emotionally scarred, and he didn't have to lift a finger. > "Come upstairs > for a second...I have something in my room I think you should > have..." CROW: Nudge, nudge, wink, wink... MIKE: Normally, Crow, I'd be upset... but now, I'm just worried. > > After Zoner sat beating his head for fifteen or twenty > minutes, CROW: Don't worry, Mike... It's just too easy. > ReRob strolled up to the open driver's window. "So, > I hear you didn't have such a good trip." > With deliberate slowness Zoner lifted his head from the > wheel and turned towards ReRob. "I know where you sleep. It > would be wise not to anger me further," Zoner intoned > solemnly. TOM: Hey--no injoke for a comeback. He's deeply affected. > "Tell you what, let me have the car for a while and I'll > fix it up for you." MIKE: [ReRob] And if I can't, you'll have some nice modern sculpture. > "ReRob, I think this car is beyond repair. My parents > are going to kill me. TOM: [ReRob] Well, if that'll handle that little problem of getting close to your line... > I'm dead," Zoner replied, letting his > head bounce off of the steering wheel again. CROW: Nerves of steel, forehead of rubber! > "Why don't you let me worry about that. Give me a > couple of weeks, and don't tell anyone about this." > "I have to go home for break on the nineteenth. And > what about the police?" > "Well, just hope no one saw you license plate." MIKE: [Zoner] No, they didn't see me do that... > "Yeah, right. I think I'll go Wedgitate." > When he arrived in the Wedge, Ben, Kei, and Yuri were > discussing spectacular car crashes, space station explosions, > and other unnatural disasters. TOM: I'd be grateful that these are just the accomplishments of Kei and Yuri, but that would be tempting fate. > Yuri was wearing a shirt > Zoner didn't recognize--he hadn't given it to her, anyway. MIKE: [Zoner] She *can't* learn she doesn't have to depend on me for her clothing! > It was white with snappy black rolled cuffs on short sleeves > and black stripes over the shoulders. CROW: And here he was hoping to spend a relaxing afternoon colour- coordinating their outfits. MIKE: He could still dress to match hers. CROW: Now where's the fun in that? > He was almost calmed down by this point; he walked > deliberately over to the booth TOM: No more wandering lonely as a cloud for him! > and sat carefully down. Then > he saw the front of Yuri's shirt. > > KAMIKAZE RACING TEAM > > Ben saw his friend's face turning a delicate shade of > violet and decided it was time to leave... MIKE: After all--his work here is done. > > > > Millinocket, Maine---------------------------------------NINE > > "Home, home again. I like to be here when I can." > --Pink Floyd > > > The Daytona from Hell was unseen for the next couple of > weeks. Around the seventeenth of October Zoner cornered > ReRob. > "ReRob, I don't mean to rush you. But where is my car?!" > "Um, well, I haven't quite finished with it yet." CROW: [ReRob] We're college students, after all--we work best under pressure! > "ReRob, I have to go home in two days. My finals are > stressing the hell out of me, and you tell me I won't have a > car?!" TOM: [Zoner] If I have to motivate you--I work best under pressure, too! > "Relax, I've got an angle." > "You've got an angle? Like what. I need my car. What am > I going to tell my parents? I didn't want to drive home so I > took the bus? I'm sure they'll buy that. I love my car, I > love to drive, and they KNOW that. CROW: [Zoner] There *are* things I can't hide from them! > I'm boned....." > "Just take it easy, I've got an angle." > "What angle?" Zoner screamed. MIKE: [ReRob] You'll soon be able to claim temporary insanity... > "Itsnotmygoddamnplanetunderstandmonkeyboy." > "What the hell are you doing with that? Never mind, I > don't want to know. I just want my car back by Saturday." > With that Zoner just walked away. ReRob just shrugged > and headed back to the HDS. > > FRIDAY 18 OCTOBER 1991 > > Ben was sitting in Wedge Booth #1 with his stuff all > around him, ensconced in a little fortress of trunk, duffel > bag, and laundry basket. TOM: Yeah, he knows he can expect a deadly attack at any moment. CROW: He might even deserve it, too. > He was, as usual, reading > something. MIKE: And he's never read a more gripping Maytag manual. > "'Lo, Ben," said Yuri as she entered the Wedge. > "Where's Kei?" > "Dunno...she went that way. Probably taking up one of > the Wedgeterms for a frivolous purpose again... CROW: [Ben] I'd stop her, but it's not like the people not intimately connected with me would do anything else with the terminal... > I'm just > waiting for Mom to show up..." > The airlock swung open and Ben's mother entered. MIKE: He's battled homophobes and Boomers. He's charmed the socks off Kei. Now, he faces his ultimate challenge--his mom. > Ben > waved, which she returned as she came over. > "Hi, Ben--ready to go?" > "Just about...hey, can a couple of people help me with > this stuff?" CROW: [Ben] Let's go, folks--double time, now! > "Sure," said Yuri. She picked up the trunk and hauled > it unconcernedly out to the curb. > "I hate it when they do that," said Ben, shouldering his > duffel bag. TOM: [Ben] She left me something. > "Who is that?" > "Oh, that's Yuri." > "Who's Yuri?" > "She is." > "Stop that!" MIKE: [Ben] First base! > "Sorry...she's a student. A Wedge Rat." > "What's her major?" > "MegaZone." ALL: [singing] Stand by your man... > "What?" > "CS." > "Could she help you with your Pascal?" > "Yeah, if I felt like living dangerously." > "Why, is she dangerous?" > "You might say that." TOM: [Ben] But only if she doesn't like you... So I'd recommend being *extra* nice to her! > They finally reached the curb > by this point. "Thanks, Yuri." > "No problem...have a nice break." > "Thanks, you too." > "She's nice," Ben's mother commented as he stuffed his > duffel bag into the back of the Camaro. "Do you know her > well?" CROW: [Ben] Well, not Biblically, at least not yet, so we'll just forget the question entirely for the next couple of hours... > "Mmm..." said Ben, wobbling a hand. > "Oh really?" > "Mother, don't start with that." > "Well, I just want to know..." > "Don't. Start. That." MIKE: Even *I'd* be getting suspicious by now. > "Okay, fine! Ready?" > "In a second...there's one more thing I have to get. Be > right back," he announced, and ran back into the Wedge. > Just as he thought, Kei was indeed on a WedgeTerm > MUDding. MIKE: She seems kind of inactive lately. CROW: Hey, ink and paint *can't* get out of shape! TOM: At least, that's what everyone hopes. > "Come on, my mother's waiting." > "Just a minute, let me kill this thing." TOM: [Ben] You can kill things at home! Now come on! > "*sigh* Come on, will you? My mother's not the most > patient person in the world." > "I see it's genetic." TOM: Let's just hope he didn't inherit the rest of his talents. > "Oh, shut up." > Fully ten minutes later, Kei finally got to a point > where she was willing to save her character and log out. MIKE: Hey--a warning against MUD addiction! CROW: This fanfic just keeps surprising you, doesn't it? > In > that time she slaughtered various critters and things, > including Schletz. > "Have a nice break," pfloyd called from deep within a > Wedge booth. > "You too," Ben replied. > "Like he has to worry about it," Kei whispered, nudging > him. > "HMMmmm," Ben replied. CROW: Looks like Ben's going to be checking the magic computer's activity logs when he gets back... > Ben's mother, waiting impatiently by the car, looked up, > about to say something to him, and stopped, just kind > of...looking... MIKE: [Ben] What--does Kei have spinach in her teeth? > "You want the front?" > "Sure." > "Ok...don't let Mom intimidate you... TOM: [Ben] Some things *don't* run in the family. > Mom, this is Kei. > Kei --this is my mom Anne." > "Hi," said Ben's mom. She grabbed her son by the > sleeve, dragged him closer, and whispered, "Who is this?" TOM: [Ben] My *special* friend. MIKE: [motherly] Special? TOM: [Ben] *Extra* special. > "I told you," Ben replied, pulling himself away. "This > is Kei. She's coming home with us." > "", replied Anne, speechless. MIKE: She's especially speechless! This time, the comma is *outside* the quotation marks. > "Oh, don't look so shocked," Ben replied. "She's got > nowhere else to go, I couldn't possibly be so mean as to > leave her here in this pit over break. CROW: And here I thought Ben would kill for the Wedge. TOM: Hey--love it *and* leave it. > Unlike some people I > know." The sarcasm was of course lost, as its recipient was > some several dozen yards away watching TV. MIKE: What? No super-senses? > Ben's mother gave him a very strange look. CROW: But, of course, he's seen far too many of those already for it to affect him. > "I hope you don't mind, Mrs. Hutchins," Kei said in a > letter-perfect #141-A (Sweet and Innocent). "It really does > get awfully boring here during breaks." TOM: [Kei] We've made all the fun we can here without demolishing the campus. > "Does your father know about this?" Ben's mother asked > him suddenly. > "No," Ben replied openly. "He hasn't the faintest > idea." CROW: [Ben] After all, I'm only bringing an attractive woman home with me... What's the problem? > "I don't know what he's going to say..." > "Probably something like `baaah?'," Ben said with a > grin, TOM: [Ben] Really--is your husband *that* hard to predict? > folding up the front seat long enough to compact > himself into the back. MIKE: Hey--*he* didn't hit his head on the doorframe. > "I can deal." CROW: Go fish! > "Are you sure it's no problem?" > "Not for me, I guess..." Shaking her head, Ben's mother > got into the car and shut her door. TOM: Ultimate challenge? Pfeh! MIKE: Like Alexander, Ben weeps for worlds to conquer. TOM: That explains the sequels. > Kei settled into the > passenger seat and away they went. > "Hey, a stick shift. You drive stick shift?" she asked, > noting the shifter. > "Only when forced," Anne replied. CROW: Actually, Ben's mother recovers fast. TOM: Some things really do run in the family. > "Oh." > And thus the conversation went...all the way to the > Galactic Center of Nothingness, Millinocket, Maine. MIKE: If there's an interesting centre to this fanfic, we're in the chapter it's farthest from. > Can you say, "awkward"? Sure you can. I bet you can > even spell it. BOTS: S-E-L-F--I-N-S-- MIKE: Okay, you've made your point. > > Ben dumped his duffel bag on the porch and fumbled for > the keys; he managed to get the proper one into the door and > open it up. > "This is it," he said, spreading his arms wide. "My > house." CROW: [Ben] Uh, and don't mind the mood lighting, heh heh... > At about that point, the dog noticed people and went > berserk. Not dangerously berserk...more of a "Oh, wow, > people!" kind of berserk. TOM: Friendly dog! Save yourself, Kei, or be slobbered on! > "Whoa, whoa, whoa, down, muttley, down!" Ben shouted > playfully, fending off the retriever. > "Hey, a dog! What's his name?" > "Randy." CROW: [Kei] We're not talking about *you!* MIKE: I know a bad little bot who's about to lose his waffle-iron privileges... > "Hi, Randy," Kei greeted the animal, vigorously patting > his head. "Can he drive?" > "No..." > "Play Trivial Pursuit?" > "No..." > "Operate starship weaponry?" > "No...mostly, he sleeps and eats." > "Great. We'll get along fine then." CROW: [Kei] At least there's *one* animal in the house who can't outdo me... > Randy proceeded to submit (grudgingly [yeah, right]) to > having his head scratched for a very long time. (It takes a > biiig lot of convincing to get him to do that, let me tell > you.) > "Dad must not be home yet," said Ben as he executed > Standard I'm Home Maneuver #33--Open The Refrigerator. MIKE: Part of a repertoire that includes dropping his laundry next to the washer, begging for money, and mumbling about his latest test score... CROW: Aren't you going to number them? MIKE: I'm not that confident. > "You > want something?" > > When Peter arrived home, he discovered his son sitting > on the couch, drinking a soda TOM: What--he missed a chance to plug another soft drink? CROW: He's slipping. > and watching Late Night with > David Letterman. That wasn't surprising. > What was surprising was the young lady sitting next to > him on the sofa, scratching behind the ears of a very > contented-looking Golden Retriever TOM: Kei does have a way with animals; I'll grant her that. > and taking in the > incredibly silly show as well. > "Hey, Ben," said Peter. "How was your trip?" > "Fine...yours?" > "Fine...can I talk to you in the kitchen?" > "I suppose you could, but that would mean I'd have to > get up...as you can see, I'm somewhat comfortable...is it > really important?" MIKE: I'm starting to wonder how Ben ever survived to college age. > "Yeah, I would say so." > "Okay, I guess." CROW: [Ben] And don't think I won't forget this when I make your life depend on me! > Ben heaved the sigh of one who has > been called away from a perfectly comfortable couch for no > good reason MIKE: Now *here's* where we truly begin to identify with the characters. > and got to his feet. They went into the kitchen. > "Who is that?" Peter asked as soon as they were around > the corner. > "Oh, how rude of me." Ben went back to the living room TOM: Wasting no time in getting back to the sofa, I see... > and said, "Dad, this is Kei. Kei, this is my father Peter. > I invited Kei to come up and spend the week--Worcester during > break is even more boring than Millinocket MIKE: Squint hard enough, and that's home town spirit! > and she had > noplace else to go. Hope you don't mind." > "Hi," said Peter. "So, are you a student at WPI too?" > "You could say that," Kei replied. CROW: [Kei] My major's Ben. It's not exactly a diploma course, but hey, you know... > "I hope you don't > mind this--Ben said it would be okay." > "No, no, I don't mind. I'll go upstairs and put the > guest room together..." > "Oh, you don't need to--" Kei began, TOM: [Kei] Ben's had me sleeping on the floor before. > but a semi-gentle > elbow from Ben cut her off. > "Hmm?" > "I mean, that's all right, I can take care of it > myself." > "Oh, no, that's no problem. MIKE: [Ben] Oh, and have you seen the extra pillows and the red mop? > Well, it's been a long > day...good night...and Ben, turn down the heater before you > come upstairs, you hear me?" > "Yep. 'Night." > "Good night. Good to have you home, son. And it was > nice meeting you, Kei." > "You too," said Kei. CROW: [Kei] You're a lot more *normal* than I thought you'd be. > Confused beyond repair, Peter went upstairs and went to > bed. He'd figure it out later. MIKE: [Peter] Ben? With a *woman?* No, it couldn't be... Unless he's found a magic computer that can bring his most primal desires to life! > "Why'd you poke me?" Kei demanded. > "My father's a cool guy, Kei, but I don't want him to > know about certain parts of my life...you know?" CROW: [Ben] Besides, if it's *secret,* it's even more exciting... > "No, I don't--ohhh..." she said, a knowing smile slowly > obliterating her earlier look of puzzlement. "I get it. Not > a word out of me," she assured him with a wink. TOM: [Kei] I'll never tell about your tragic ice cream addiction. > "Thanks. I don't know how he'd react..." > "Don't worry about it then." She leaned closer and > suddenly, with a lightning motion, seized the remote control. > A massive battle began for control of the remote, CROW: It's about time there was another action sequence. > which ended > with the two of them on the floor, laughing madly but trying > to stay quiet for Peter's sake, grappling for the remote, > entangled, and looking up at Mike... BOTS: MIKE? MIKE: It wasn't me! I bet it's just an obscure cameo thrown in as an attempt at humor! CROW: Yeah, whatever... TOM: Come to think of it, we don't know a lot about what you did in the early '90s... MIKE: It wasn't me... > > > > Term Break Blues------------------------------------------TEN > > "I ain't ever gonna let you down. All you gotta do is > trust me." > --Tom Petty > > > SATURDAY 19 OCTOBER 1991 > > Zoner slept in late Saturday morning; he had taken his > last final Friday afternoon and afterward he and Yuri had > relaxed by consuming a few Southern Comfort and Cokes TOM: See--Zoner understands his obligation to plug products wherever possible. > in > Ellsworth 7 and watching Rock 'n Rule. ReRob hadn't been > seen in quite some time, but Zoner decided not to worry about > it. If his car wasn't there Saturday morning he would just > have to kill ReRob and face up to his parents. MIKE: Normally, I would see that as a figure of speech, but after all the casual killing in this story, I'm a little worried... > Zoner and Yuri finally woke up around noon, and after > kissing their good mornings CROW: [announcer voice] Only you can prevent the heartbreak of morning breath! TOM: *Midday* breath. > Zoner went out into the > environment that was E7. He found ReRob vegging on the couch > watching his Def Leppard Live - In the Round, In Your Face > video, which he also had piped through the stereo. TOM: ReRob, your technical expertise never fails to amaze. > "Gweepings," ReRob greeted Zoner. > "Gweepings. You know what day today is, don't you?" > "I'm pretty sure it's Saturday. Why?" > "It's the day I go home, remember?" > "Yes." > "Well?" > "Well what?" > "Where's my car?!" > "Out back in the parking lot." > "Really?" > "Really." MIKE: Ah yes... more of this fabulous torn-from-today's-dorms dialogue. > "My car?" > "Well, not quite. You may notice some differences. I > created it with clucomp CROW: Ah--the magic computer, right there. It's a wonder why Zoner didn't think of that himself. TOM: He's been happy enough with Yuri until now. He didn't need to experiment with it. > using data I got down at Harr Dodge. > It's as close as I could get it. It's sort of a blend of an > '89 and '90 Daytona ES, with a bit of DeLorean MIKE: [fatherly] Your doors didn't open upwards before, did they son? > and some > British-AnimeTech Turbo 7000 thrown in for fun. I did use > the engine, drive train and tires from your car. TOM: [ReRob] Given as how you're so attached to the thing anyway--why not give the magic computer a break for once! > You won't > be needing them anyway." > "That's cool...wait a minute, what did you mean, `You > won't be needing them anyway'? CROW: [ReRob] Let's just say that once you've seen the mall ride I'm whipping up, you'll never want to drive again. > And what the hell is an > British-AnimeTech Turbo 7000? TOM: So *that's* what happened to his steering wheel. > Isn't British-AnimeTech that > fake company Ben made up for his Marvel campaign? The one > the Griffin runs?" > "Never mind that now. MIKE: [ReRob] If Ben finds out, we're looking at a lawsuit. > It's a surprise. I haven't quite > finished yet, but I'm sure you'll like it." > "Whatever, as long as the car out in the parking lot can > fool my parents. I'm going upstairs to shower. Later." > "Later." > > After a refreshing shower, TOM: Leading to wacky residence hijinks after he used all the hot water! > Zoner checked in on Yuri. > "G'morning love, howsit with you?" Zoner asked. > "Ok. You're leaving today, aren't you?" > "Yeah, I've got to go home and work for a week. Make > some honest money. CROW: So they haven't thought of using the magic computer to print money yet? TOM: Hey, it's an excuse to get away from her. > Help to pay the bills." > "I'll miss you. Why can't I go with you?" > "Yuri, we've already been over this. My parents are > cool, but I'm not sure they could deal with me bringing a > woman home to live with them for a week. Even if they could > handle it, I don't know if the rest of my family could. TOM: [Zoner] My grandfather has a heart condition, and my little brother would be jealous! > It's > just a little bit awkward, especially if I have to explain > where you came from. MIKE: [fatherly] How many times have I told you about bringing your fantasies to life? > That would be nearly impossible. I'm > still trying to get a grip on that." TOM: [Zoner] And maybe, just maybe, I can repeat it when I do! > "Still, you're going to be gone for an entire week. > What am I supposed to do?" CROW: Well, Yuri can't live without Zoner. I'm really not surprised. > "I don't know. Watch my entire videotape collection? > Read some of my books? CROW: [Zoner] Do anything, just so long as it has something to do with *me!* > Here, this one's good, Combat Guns, > I'm sure it will interest you. Or how about the Epic of > Flight series? Or any of the others I've got here. How > about the Illuminatus! Trilogy, or The Hitchhiker's Guide to > the Galaxy? MIKE: [Zoner] It's the Three Men in a Boat of the 1970s, I'll have you know. > Maybe Red Storm Rising, I've got a bunch of good > books. MIKE: It's the MegaZone Reading Plan. Follow it, and become just like him. CROW: Uh, shouldn't you think of a better slogan? > Listen to music. Roger Waters, The Wall, Live in > Berlin. AC/DC. Go ask ReRob for some of his weird music if > you want, or listen to pfloyd's entire collection of ZZ Top > and Pink Floyd when he's here this weekend. MIKE: [Zoner] I'm an equal-opportunity promoter. > You know my > password, log in...read news, post to rec.arts.anime, I'm > sure they'd think that was cool... MIKE: How would she prove it? TOM: Maybe she could threaten to go and kill somebody. > I'm sure you'll find > something to do. But whatever you do, don't drive anything!" > "That's not fair! What happened with your car wasn't my > fault! I didn't mean to - mmppphhh...." > Zoner silenced her protestations with a kiss. CROW: And the peanut butter sandwich he had been eating. > "I know, > I'm over it now. TOM: [Zoner] I'm just going to keep reminding you about it for the rest of our lives. > I just couldn't resist. Tell you what, > I'll call you up a couple of times. I'd have you call me, > but my parents tend to sack out early, they don't keep > college hours. CROW: So, in conclusion--don't call him, he'll call you. Poor, deluded Yuri... > Well, I'd better get going." > He began to pack up his laundry and some of his junk > from around the apartment which he wanted to take home. MIKE: Home--a new concept in garbage disposal. > Once > finished he went back upstairs to say his goodbyes to Yuri. > > <> > > Zoner sat down on the bed next to Yuri and wrapped his > arm around her. "Well, I'm packed, guess it's time to > leave." TOM: [singing] All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go... > "Guess so," Yuri replied morosely. > "Don't be so glum. It's only for a week. I'll be back, > I don't want to go, but I should see my family, you know. CROW: He's a poet, an' he don't know it. > And I want to finish off my flight lessons. Maybe I'll take > you up some time," Zoner said, followed by a mumbled, "Not." TOM: She gets a little too enthusiastic when she drives a car... so he's never taking her off the campus again. CROW: Hey, it makes sense. > He grinned and finished with, "Besides, it is money..." > "Yeah, you're right. I guess I'll cope." > Zoner chuckled. TOM: [Zoner] It won't be long before the cravings set in... > "What was so funny?" Yuri inquired. CROW: [Zoner] Oh, uh... I was thinking of something I saw on Comedy Central last night. > "You, you're starting to use slang more often. For a > while I thought you were going to speak normally forever, TOM: We couldn't have *that,* could we? > I'm > glad to see you're picking up the lingo." > "Lingo?" > "Slang terms, you know, like cope, gweep, and the others > you've started using." TOM: Marvy. MIKE: Ripping, simply ripping! CROW: Oh, gag me with a spoon. > "Oh. I haven't really noticed." > "Well, I have, it's one of those things that makes you > so loveable. CROW: So... she's loveable because she's well on the way to becoming a perfect reflection of every facet of his personality? > It's one of the little things an SO notices." > "Like how you use the 'I love you' sign to say hello?" > "Well, yeah, I guess I never really think about it, I > started doing that years ago." TOM: [Yuri] It creeps me out. How long before somebody else gets the message? > "I think it's cute." > "I think you're cute." > "Really," Yuri intoned slyly, and followed up with a > kiss. > "Really," Zoner replied gently after the kiss, and > kissed her again. TOM: Retaliation! CROW: Which leads to *escalation.* > "I thought you were leaving," Yuri said with a grin. > "I'm not in any hurry," Zoner whispered, pulling her > down. MIKE: [motherly] Your delicious dinner's stone cold, young man. Just what were you doing instead of driving home? CROW: [Zoner] Uh... Getting in touch with my creative side? > > > > The Beginning of the End-------------------------------ELEVEN > > "Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping, into the > future." > --Steve Miller > > > TUESDAY 24 DECEMBER 1991 > > A couple of months passed without a tremendous amount of > strangeness. John Coyle hadn't been heard of since the > Wedgewar, missing corpse or not. They had seen no Boomers, > no attack choppers, no hideous monsters. CROW: At least, none they couldn't see outside of the student union. > The Wedge was safe, > Ben had passed Scheme and Calc 2, MIKE: Oh, they actually take classes at this college? I hadn't noticed. > the subtitled release of > Flight 005 was out, TOM: Releasing subtitled Dirty Pair in the early '90s--wish fulfilment doesn't get any more blatant than that. > and everything was going along just plain > incredibly well. > As far as Kei and Yuri went, well...thanks to a little, > no, make that a lot of judicious hacking, the WPI academic > computers now recognized "Kei Morgan" and "Yuri Daniels" as > registered students of Worcester Polytechnic Institute. MIKE: The high point of their lives, preprogrammed or otherwise! > The > fact that they were taking no classes was quite beside the > point. TOM: Why this sudden emphasis on classes? CROW: Well, hey--Ben and Zoner need careers to support them as squeeze toys. > Of course, being registered as students meant they > could now have their own accounts on the local computer > system. Kei was now deadshot@wpi.wpi.edu and Yuri was > hazard@wpi.wpi.edu, a little joke between Zoner and herself. CROW: The man and his fantasy woman's injoke--an all-new realm of obscure humour. > It had reached the point even where people in the Wedge > never noticed them anymore. The Dirty Pair were as much a > part of Wedge life as being asked not to lean on the window. TOM: Is that really the *point* of the Dirty Pair? CROW: No, but it's Ben and Zoner's point. > They even had Gamma Delta Iota shirts and were now full > members of that sister sorority to Rho Alpha Tau. MIKE: Wonders just never cease around here! > Of course, > Ben couldn't resist teaching Kei everything he knew about the > computer systems; she had thus been inducted in early > November as GGF-1, Meta Chi, Member G.L.O.G., Disruptive > Influence, Enemy of the State, et al. CROW: Ah, but what's her Kobayashi Maru time? TOM: You know, Kei could still defeat Marrissa. MIKE: How so? TOM: She's got a real man behind her. MIKE: Ah. > Of course, during this time the Zone was teaching Yuri > as much as he could about the local systems and the networks. MIKE: [Zoner] And when you sit down, you should make sure there are letters on the screen... > Naturally, Yuri, being incredibly competent with computers, > quickly became more skilled than her teacher, TOM: He couldn't believe how quickly she mastered the innermost mysteries of the power switch. > although the > lack of cyberlink capability frustrated her somewhat. > However, Zoner still was the better driver, as the drive > to Ten Minute Walk had demonstrated. TOM: You can't have the borrowed characters outdo the self-insertions in the *important* areas, after all... CROW: Yeah, who knows where that could end up? > Since they had no > classes both of the pair spent a good deal of time each day > playing around on the system. MIKE: Boy, they're really sucking the marrow out of life. > Kei MUDded a great deal, > quickly putting Guyblood to shame and nuking him a couple of > times, just to prove a point. Ben, being ardently anti-MUD, > found this incredibly depressing. TOM: At last! The first small chink in their relationship... oh, who am I kidding? > Yuri spent most of her > time hacking on the Internet, trying to get into NORAD. She > had a great deal of interest in the military technology of > her new reality. (She was in for a disappointment.) CROW: [Yuri] I have to command thousands of ballistic missiles to launch to destroy the Earth? And it takes them fifteen minutes to reach their targets? What a ripoff! > One big change was in the Daytona from Hell. MIKE: Its self-esteem problems were gone. > After > Zoner returned from break, ReRob offered to finish his repair > job on the Daytona from Hell and no one had seen it for a > couple of weeks. CROW: ReRob was cruisin' the boulevards of Worcester! > He apparently had used machines supplied by > itsnotmygoddamnplanetunderstandmonkeyboy, lifted from Back > to the Future using the video input capability of the > DECstation, as well as some stuff he got from consulting with > Ben and formatting some ftp'd text from the latter's hard > drive. CROW: I thought the magic computer did all the hard stuff like bending metal and breaking the laws of physics for them. TOM: Zoner would have lost that reassuring sense of ownership, ReRob would have lost a chance to show off, and Ben would have lost a chance to be the really important one. > In other words, it was now the Flying Daytona from Hell, > which suited Zoner just fine, as he had finally gotten his > private pilot rating after being in training on and off for > over four years. CROW: What? He actually *trained* to fly? For shame! > Of course, the Daytona wasn't an FAA > approved craft. That was no problem; Rob had also > incorporated Minovski technology from Mobile Suit Gundam > which made the Daytona undetectable on radar. MIKE: It looks like ReRob's learned his limits. Zoner won't be humiliating the Air Force. TOM: For the moment, Mike, for the moment. > The Wedge was not what it had been, either; Zoner's > earlier comment about resonating the DAKA sludge into a > feasible, Protoculture-style power source had actually panned > out. CROW: Life is just full of surprises for them, isn't it? > Something in the wreckage was generating the precise > resonance rate needed to harness the mess as a power source > of incredible potential. (wub wub wub) TOM: Just when I was starting to forget the reverb, it makes a surprise comeback cameo... > The Wedge Rats > wasted no time in laying in lines and control systems; with > that as a power supply, the somehow repaired shield generator TOM: Note the "somehow." CROW: Well, it's more important that they contrive it back to existence than that somebody gets his hands dirty doing something as base as repair work. > would finally function at peak efficiency, freed of its > dependence on the Worcester power grid. MIKE: They're expecting *more* attacks? What, did they tick off the Young Republicans too or something? > Zoner normally went home for winter break, but since he > had lost his regular job he found one working as a sales > clerk at the Auburn Mall, so he stayed in the area. Besides, > it would be hard to explain Yuri to his parents. CROW: At least he realised he couldn't live without Yuri, either. > He did > visit his family a couple of times; luckily, he could fly > over the drifts which had kept the Worcester area snowed in > for the season. Weird weather, that. Of course he couldn't > go home for Christmas, MIKE: [singing] I won't be home for Christmas... you can't count on me... > and his birthday which was the day > after, as Christmas Eve and the day after were busy days at > the mall. TOM: This isn't just self-insertion--it's a searing indictment of our consumer society! > Ben sat in the Wedge booth of his choice, feet up, Drano > in hand, Kei tucked under an arm as he was tucked under one > of hers, CROW: One of these days, they'll melt into an amorphous mass. TOM: And then you'll be happy? CROW: Marginally so. > mulling over the latest issue of Guitar World TOM: Just once I'd like to see Ben pick up one of Kei's hobbies. Is that really too much to ask? CROW: They *do* share a common interest in killing people he doesn't like. > and > generally reflecting on how overpoweringly cool life was. He > was also marveling at how the snowdrifts were covering the > street outside. Drive home for Christmas in this? Yeah, > right. MIKE: Mother Nature herself is sealing the Wedge Rats in. BOTS: Thanks, Mom! > He had gotten a ride from Zoner once or twice to see > his folks, but as far as spending any time went, there was no > way it could be done. MIKE: Okay. Zoner can drop Ben off using his flying car... but he can't leave Ben for a while and come back? TOM: Oh, that's just his excuse. CROW: The tension of hiding his forbidden love for a cartoon character from his parents was getting to him. > It was a Wedgeish Christmas this year. > And that suited him just fine. > > <> > > A figure cloaked in black stood, his arms folded, and > watched the assembly line roll in the (sub^5)basement of Alden > Hall. MIKE: Is he getting ready for the Invention Exchange? > At one end, the stasis-preserved corpses of the > victims of the Wedgewar were fed in, one after another; at > the other, they emerged, revitalized, superpowerful. TOM: You really were right with that Night of the Living Dead Homophobes idea, Crow. CROW: And I wish I wasn't. > The figure would have smiled, if it had a face; > unfortunately it didn't, so it contented itself with a small > nod of satisfaction, turned and swept out of the room. MIKE: Whoa--even the janitors here drip style. > "My army is nearly complete," the cloaked figure > declared in a synthetic voice as he entered the next room, > arms folded. "We will attack tomorrow. How are your duties > progressing?" CROW: [Larry] Hold on, I've almost won *this* game of Minesweeper... > At the DECstation, Larry Foard turned in his chair and > replied, "All is in readiness...on your command, I will... > terminate them." > "Not yet. Timing is everything. First I must make the > other two...suffer." MIKE: Yeah, the holidays can definitely be a stressful time. > The cloaked figure pivoted and stomped out of the room. > And left alone in the small chamber with the DECstation, > Entropy shivered involuntarily before returning to his work. > If split-second timing was involved and he had a day to work, > he could alias the procedure... > CROW: If he's got a day to work... TOM: We can stomp out of here ourselves. MIKE: Fine. I just... I'll explain it when we get out. [Mike retrieves Tom and follows Crow out of the theatre.] [...1...2...3...4...5...6...] [SOL bridge. Mike is once more seated behind the desk, looking rather pensive. Tom and Crow are nearby.] MIKE: Well, Kei and Yuri are probably in great danger. We are undoubtedly expected to be concerned. CROW: Presumably so. MIKE: But, I keep asking myself, why? Is it simply because their absence will affect Ben and Zoner? What about their being the Dirty Pair? It doesn't seem to count any more! TOM: Well, yes. But perhaps--although we don't blame you for this--your natural jealousy is getting in the way. MIKE: *Jealousy?* CROW: [quickly] It's normal, Mike, it's normal. Female characters are obviously unattached to appeal to the secret desires of their male audience. In their own unique way, these guys are honest about it. MIKE: [dubiously] So you can reconcile your own subconscious desire to possess Kei and Yuri with Ben and Zoner's blatant expression of that same desire? TOM: Well, more or less... CROW: I think so... [Both bots trail off. Then, suddenly, they begin sobbing loudly.] CROW: Oh, Kei, Kei! TOM: Yuri! *I* wanted to be the one! CROW: How could you! [Mike looks at the sobbing bots with an expression of utter confusion. The commercial light begins to flash as Gypsy wanders into the room.] GYPSY: Oh, good one, Mike. [Mike doesn't respond immediately; he's looking nervously at Gypsy.] MIKE: Gypsy... Now that I think about it, *you're* unattached! GYPSY: [coldly] Don't go there. MIKE: You're right. [Hits light.] We'll be right back. [commercials] [Tom, Mike, and Crow enter the theatre. Crow is still sniffling a bit.] > > MIKE: Look at it this way, guys. We've been honest with each other. We're coming through the experience strengthened and purified! CROW: That's the problem around here--too much honesty. TOM: Still, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. CROW: We hope. > Merry Christmas----------------------------------------TWELVE > > "It's been so long since I found out. What people mean by > down and out." > --Led Zeppelin > > WEDNESDAY 25 DECEMBER 1991 (CHRISTMAS DAY) MIKE: Why *that* clarification? TOM: Well, it's not like they *expect* people to know it. > > Meanwhile, in his ongoing research with itsnotmygoddamn- > planetunderstandmonkeyboy, ReRob had discovered some > interesting things about CLULESS. One was that he might be > nigh-oblivious, but was still too clueful to make heads or > tails out of its programming language. MIKE: He doesn't have to understand it. It does everything for him. CROW: Hey, he'll save time when winning the heart of the first nubile anime female he can keep off Ben's dibs list. > Therefore, his > interest was from a compiler's standpoint. He had discovered > what the -i flag did; generated inanimate matter. With that > command, he had created the Cyclone; without -i it refused to > compile, declaring "inanimate subject--compile failure". And > therein, he realized, lay the bug in CLULESS that allowed for > the creation of life. Compiling without -i. TOM: Once again, John Todd created better than he knew. > Also, he discovered that the default clucomp command was > actually a shell script going deeper into subdirs to generate > output that default-redirected to /dev/reality, MIKE: And how's that supposed to matter? TOM: They'll *make* it matter! Or not. > a quasi- > realistic state of matter, convincing, but not real. CROW: "Convincing, but not real..." Did they realise what they just said? MIKE: You're going to make some sort of comment about solitude, right? CROW: [meek] Yes. MIKE: I know you too well. > With a start, he realized something; if someone with > more knowledge of UNIX code than he CROW: Well, then--he has nothing to worry about! > could hack a code to shut > down /dev/reality, anything redirected there, invulnerable to > kill -9 and so on, would go pif. Or more likely slowly > deresolve as the device shut down. /dev/reality was an undue > load on the Encore, TOM: Encore, encore! MIKE: Please, let's not do this over again. > to be sure, as there was a better way to > do things; clucomp -i -x altered the default command from > redirected /dev/reality to xhosted real_world. xhost > real_world was the way to make things permanent--/dev/reality > was the metaphysical equivalent of /tmp. TOM: So--a reflection on the impermanence of life, and a reminder of how we should treasure what we can save, cleverly cloaked in UNIX technobabble. CROW: Either that, or the plot device that'll finally get this story moving again and then contrive a resolution. > It was just a > matter of time before it got erased.... > A sudden bad feeling struck him; he exited CLULESS and > ran a Super Who. He noted Entropy's presence on the network, > from "other" as usual; other than that, only he and some > nonames were on. CROW: Tonight--the Revenge of the Nonames! > So why did the cold lump of dread stick in > his gut? TOM: He's been swallowing his gum? > He ran a regular who and came up with something > that widened his eyes: > > entropy@overthruster.wpi.edu MIKE: Hey! A sudden declaration that the merely regular can provide more help than the super! CROW: Delicate symbolism--the *true* power of UNIX. > > "Overthruster?" he murmured. He ran a what and > discovered an emacs job, a telnet--a telnet? ReRob ran a > trace on it, running with a hunch and a growing feeling of > doom. MIKE: He's sensed the feeling of evil! TOM: Oh, he feels evil often. > Overthruster was telnetted to /dev/reality. He was > running code across the device, in the background; the > beginning of an alias code. CROW: Intense UNIX action! > Soon, if ReRob read it right, a > single keystroke would shut down /dev/reality and that would > be that. > Anything redirected there from the HDS31000 would be > terminated. > Anything. > Irreplaceably. TOM: Irreclaimably, irrecoverably, and irredeemably, even! > He ran some other checks. Under his very nose, CLULESS > had been changed. Altered to default to -i without the flag. CROW: How *dare* they! > Gryphon had the copy in his account, still, but it was > putting him over the temporary research quota granted by a > verbose-mode aej. Soon his account would lock up. > A final sliver of ice drove into ReRob's heart as he ran > a check on /usr6/pub/anime and came up with > > /usr6/pub/anime: No such file or directory. TOM: Is there *nothing* they won't stoop to? > > He ran out of the station and pounded up the stairs, > slapping on sections of CVR-3 as he ran, running with all his > might to get to his Cyclone, race back to the Wedge and warn > Ben--as the owner of the processes, CROW: Now *that's* a fine way of putting it. > he could redirect them > from /dev/reality to real_world, but it would take precious > time, and he didn't know how long he had before Entropy > finished the job. He'd figure out why Entropy was doing it > later on--perhaps someone using his account, he's gone > insane, TOM: He's jealous? CROW: Naah. He's always had his computers. > don't think about it, just drive-- > > Below Alden Hall, the cloaked figure entered Entropy's > office. "Is everything ready?" he asked. > "It is," Entropy replied. "One keystroke and > /dev/reality is history." CROW: [Entropy] I just have to find the "any" key. > "Good. Execute." As Entropy hit Return, the figure > crossed his arms and a low chuckle rolled from his speaker > grid. MIKE: [Entropy] Uh, you might want to think about mopping out your speaker grid every once in a while... > In another room, above them, Largo leaned back from his > security viewscreen, smiled, and said, "This will be a day > long remembered. It has seen the end of the Dirty Pair and > before long, it will see the end of the Wedge Rats." TOM: Don't be too proud of this fan-fictional terror you've constructed. The ability to steal a line is insignificant compared to the power of self-insertion. > The figure heard him in an earphone, turned, then turned > back, CROW: [figure] The voices in my head are acting up again... > looking at the screen for a moment. > > /dev/reality: Device terminated. > All jobs killed. > Have a nice day. > > "Merry Christmas..." he whispered, then whirled and > stalked out. MIKE: The cloaked figure--evil, janitor, celery! > "Yeah, you too," Entropy mumbled absently as he gweeped. TOM: Ah, yes... he was just following orders. > > Back in the Wedge, Ben and Kei were sitting around, > talking about this and that and nothing in particular, as > they were wont to do. A partially read copy of the > Illuminatus! Trilogy lay on the table CROW: Leaving your texts lying around on the table, huh Ben? > along with the hardcopy > of some bit of Scheme code Ben was working on; a pencil was > in his hand as he went over the code with his forebrain and > chatted with the back of his mind. TOM: His parietal lobes were taking a siesta. > Suddenly, Kei stopped talking. Right in mid-sentence, > as if someone had flipped a switch. He turned to look at > her-- > Someone drove a shaft of frozen CO2 through his heart. MIKE: If having a directory deleted is like being stabbed with ice, is losing a girlfriend like being stabbed with dry ice? CROW: One way or another, he had to outdo ReRob. > She was frozen, standing bolt upright in the booth, a look of > shock on her face. And she was flickering. MIKE: She's been promoted to Vaughn's level! > She was grainy, > the colors of her skin, her hair, everything just a bit > wrong...she looked like a .gif image that was stripped four > or five bits and crammed into a window that was too small. TOM: The love of his life is fading away, and he thinks of computers. His priorities are becoming clear... > With a thrill of horror Ben remembered where she came from in > the first place... CROW: And *that's* something he's been trying to forget for months for the sake of his self-esteem. > "I think you'd better get away," she whispered, her > voice scratchy and fading. "I can't move for some reason." CROW: ...And she knows his style! > A white rectangle appeared in the air above her, glowing > and sparking. Then it began to drop down. > "No!" he screamed, throwing a shoulder against hers, > trying to push her from under the descending square of light. > He passed right through her, MIKE: Beam her up, Scotty! > feeling only a slight tickling, > like static electricity or the psychological tickle you get > from knowing you're being exposed to radio waves or the like, CROW: Such as a mind control laser. TOM: That *does* explain a few more things. > and smashed his face violently into the corner of the Wedge > booth. > Heedless of the blood running from his nose, TOM: You know, nosebleeds can indicate an anime character's turned on. MIKE: Thank you so much for that. > he turned > around, stood up on the seat, braced his palms against the > square, and pushed with all the strength he could muster. MIKE: Hang on. Ben's pushing up, the square's over Kei... is he standing *in* her? CROW: Kinky. > It > was hot, incredibly hot; it seared the skin on his hands as > he fought to stop its inexorable descent. It was to no > avail; he cursed and screamed and pounded his fists against > what he recognized as a deresolution gate, TOM: Ironic, isn't it? Just when he really starts to hurt himself, he has a good reason to. > reaching the point > where it was almost burning his face. There was a sudden > white-hot flare of light and he screamed again as a thousand- > volt triphammer slammed across his brain. CROW: Well, *I'm* enthused by this sudden turn of action. > Consciousness left him; when he awoke he was lying in a > heap against the nearest support post. He pulled himself to > his feet to see a sight that would haunt him for a long time. MIKE: Somebody was trying to sell him credit cards. > The accretion square had destroyed Kei. There was > nothing left of her but a burned square on the carpet of the > Wedge. It hadn't been long, only a few seconds; smoke was > still rising from his hands TOM: [singing] Smoke from the weirdo... > and the carpet, CROW: [singing] A fire on the rug! > and there was a > faint tingle of electricity in the air. > The agony in his charred hands was nothing compared to > the agony in his soul. He dropped to his knees; his jaw > swung open of its own accord MIKE: You know they're experiencing utter anguish when their joints start acting up. > and a howl of the blackest > torment poured from his throat. > > [[ [ [[[[[ [[[[[ [[[[[ [[[[[ [[[[[ [[[[[ [[[[[ [ [ > [[[ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ > [ [[ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ > [ [[[ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ [ > [ [[ [[[[[ [[[[[ [[[[[ [[[[[ [[[[[ [[[[[ [[[[[ [ [ CROW: Come on, Mike. Just a little upgrade... MIKE: Crow, if you let me upgrade you, I'll pull your libido circuit. CROW: [meek] I'll be good. > > ReRob heard the scream from halfway across the snow- > covered Quad TOM: Really? It's only half as high as last time. > and knew he was too late. He roared up to the > airlock and dismounted, running through into the Wedge to > find Ben crumpled on the Wedge floor, screaming and raging > and sobbing, tearing at the carpet with hands seared into > claws, stark raving slavering mad. CROW: And oddly enough, ReRob felt *good* about it. > ReRob just felt lucky he > had xhosted his Cyclone to real_world... MIKE: Ben is obviously going insane from grief, and the first thing ReRob thinks about is that his motorcycle is safe? > if the derez grid had > done that to his hands, what would've happened to ReRob when > his CVR-3 had derezzed...? MIKE: Well... uh... I might let it pass. This time. TOM: You will note, though, that he's still concerned more with his own skin. > With an incredible THRAM!, something smashed into the > roof of the Wedge. The roof hatch opened TOM: Read: They really need to hire a roofing contractor for this place. > and down dropped > Zoner, his flightsuit's gloves burned almost through. CROW: Let's just hope his flying car's seats were still real, or else his flightsuit's seat would be the same... > He was > much more lucid; his was a cold rage. His eyes burned with > an arctic fire that almost frightened ReRob. His hands were > clenched into fists so tight the knuckles of his gloves had > split. MIKE: You know, he's rough on his clothing. > A single tear was about halfway down his cheek. TOM: Slow motion tears. An interesting concept. > "Who did it?" MegaZone demanded. "I'm going to find out > who it was and I'm going to kill them with MY OWN HANDS!" > Ben whirled around, grabbed a Wedge trash barrel, and > prepared to give it a good hard heave through the windows > into the Lower Wedge. CROW: Even in his moment of grief, he still takes the time to indulge in remodelling. How inspirational! > He didn't feel the hands on his > forearms, gripping so hard they bruised; he just noticed that > he dropped the barrel. Snarling, he twisted free of Zoner's > grip and slammed a fist into the support beam. MIKE: [Zoner] You can abuse yourself--but don't hurt the building! > The shock of white-hot pain ripping through his fist > into his brain blasted him back to reality. The steady > stream of incoherences from his throat ceased; TOM: You know, I have been waiting the entire story for that to happen. > for a moment > he was silent, standing by the post, his hand hanging limply > at the end of an outstretched arm; MIKE: As opposed to an outstretched leg, I guess. > then he let out a long, > low moan, settled to his knees, and buried his face in his > hands, sobbing. Water dripped freely from between his > fingers, the salt adding to the seared fury of the pain in > his hands, CROW: He just can't stop hurting himself! TOM: This is getting scary. > to which the dull throb of his crushed knuckles > was little but an undertone. > "Ben," Zoner said firmly. Ben ignored him, or perhaps > couldn't hear him. "Ben!" MegaZone grabbed his friend by > the shoulders and hauled him to his feet. "Look at me!" CROW: [Zoner] We've still got each other! > "Leave me alone!" Ben screamed, slamming his palms into > Zoner's chest and breaking free to stumble backward. "Just > go away." He turned away and started to leave the Wedge. MIKE: He's leaving the Wedge in his darkest hour? TOM: He can't sully it with his despair. > "No, I won't leave you the fuck alone! You're not > quitting now, we have to find out who did this and kill them. > Slowly..." Zoner said with an evil grin CROW: You know what? The authors really did it. TOM: It *would* be the next step in revengefics... > as he and ReRob cut > Ben off by the mailboxes. > "Ben, come on, snap out of this!" ReRob implored. > "We've got to get back to itsnotmygoddamnplanetunderstand- > monkeyboy and get moving. Are you going to let this go > unpunished? Do you think this is what Kei would want?" CROW: [hysterical Ben] She would have wanted *frosting!* > "No!" Ben said, as though the word were burning his > tongue. "Never." > "Then come on, pull yourself out of this. Much as I can > do, I'm not the primary operator of itsnotmygodddamnpplanet- > understandmonkeyboy, MIKE: How often are they going to keep *saying* that? TOM: Every day, in every way, they thank the genius who invented cut and paste. > you are. You're super-user on the > system there, not me. TOM: [ReRob] You're the better man! Are you happy now? > Now come on, we need you. Revenge is > something that can't be rushed." CROW: [ReRob] So hurry up and stop wasting time! > "Okay...okay. Let me go up to my room. There are a few > things I have to get..." MIKE: [Ben] I'll find solace in my security blanket. > "Me too," Zoner said. "I have to go over to E7 and get > my magtape." > Ben returned fourteen minutes later, CROW: Now if it had been *fifteen* minutes, I would have been worried. > his face wet with > fresh tears. "My room," he said in a small, hollow voice. > "They trashed my room... MIKE: Considering the blessed status of his possessions, this probably *is* a low blow to Ben. > destroyed all the .gifs, the photos > of us, everything I had..." His fists, bandaged and burn- > salved, clenched and his face became hard and cold. "They > didn't get this, though," he said, holding up a sheaf of > printouts and a couple of photocopies. CROW: [Ben] It's my Scooby-Doo fanfics! MIKE: [Largo] And I would have got away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling self-insertions! > Zoner came into the Wedge, a fistful of melted plastic > in his hand. "They fried everything! The bastards got it > all, both magtapes, the entire FTP site, all of the .gifs and > printouts. Even my comics. TOM: [muttered] Graphic novels... > They need to die. Badly," he > seethed. > "Him too," ReRob said, indicating Ben. CROW: Ooh, now ReRob is showing his true colours! TOM: I think we can identify who wrote this scene without too much trouble, don't you think? > "Come on...let's > go make them pay." > They raced to Fuller, ReRob on his Cyclone and Zoner and > Ben in the Flying Daytona from Hell, MIKE: Hey--Ben doesn't have a special vehicle. CROW: Oh, I'm sure he'll solve that little problem by the end of the story. > and immediately sealed > themselves into the HDS31000. The first thing Ben did after > logging in was sever the connection the station had with > real_world. > > Suddenly, on Entropy's screen, itsnotmygoddamnpplanet- > understandmonkeyboy vanished. Just went *ting* and > disappeared. As if it had dropped off the face of existence. > He scratched his head, ran a few tests, and then shrugged, > returning to making Largo lots of money TOM: So... Entropy makes the money, and Largo pays him with that money. Why doesn't he just cut out the middleman? > with which to conquer > the world. That job was over with. CLULESS was sealed off, > the .gifs and scripts destroyed, and the original jobs > vaped...there was no chance of them coming back anytime soon. > Who had it hurt, anyway...those two were unlikely to > have any friends with their rep, right? MIKE: He knows their reputation, but he doesn't know they've glommed on to Ben and Zoner? Largo *told* him that! CROW: Maybe he's an anime fan who doesn't hold truck with fancy self-insertions. > > Securely isolated from all that was real, TOM: Oh, he's been that way for a long, long time. > Ben hunched > over his xtty keyboard and began pounding away at an emacs > job. An inspiration had struck and he worked with the speed > and accuracy of a madman on a mission. CROW: Which was impressive, considering he was a dabbler with a hobby. > "What are you doing?" ReRob asked. > "Rewriting them," he replied, not slackening his pace. > "By hand?! MIKE: He can't just download the files he used to make them over again? CROW: Mike, Mike, Mike... Obviously, he's trying to reshape them to even more perfectly reflect his every whim. > You don't even know how to program in > CLULESS. You're insane." TOM: [Ben] No, that's Zutroy. > "Uh huh," Ben replied. MIKE: [Ben] ReRob, you're a keen judge of character. > He paused his typing long enough > to point to the sheaf of printout and paper beside the one he > was referring to. "Can you do me a favor and CAD that in > between Cyclones?" > "What is it?" CROW: [Ben] We'll strike back with the world's largest hot fudge sundae! > "Everything I have on the GRF-3N Griffin III Armored > Combat Suit. Stats, designs, projections, action shots, > battle reports, everything. I don't plan on taking them out > with anything but." MIKE: So... This thing is his own design? CROW: I guess so. TOM: He has to prove he's better than his source material, after all... > "Ben," said Zoner, his grip on lucidity returning faster > than Ben's, "we don't even know who they are." CROW: [Ben] *That* doesn't matter. > "Yes we do," ReRob said. > "Who?" > "Hard as this may be to believe, the guy who vaped > /dev/reality was Entropy." > "WHAT?" > "No, see, I think there's something seriously wrong > here. CROW: Once again, ReRob demonstrates his self-insertion prowess! > I mean, obviously, someone had to rez up Genom, > Boomers, etc. And it certainly wasn't one of us. Was it?" > He received two of the most searingly sarcastic `100% > NutraSweet' looks of his life. > "YCDN," said Ben, and turned back to his manic typing. > "No, look, there's a point in there somewhere, and never > mind the way I comb my hair. MIKE: And the injokes are countered with an injoke! TOM: This duel's getting fast and furious. > Entropy was probably fooling > around one day, stumbled across CLULESS the way you did, and > then oop! There was Genom. Now then. Genom has a lot of > money. Entropy is not morally opposed to money. TOM: What? No noble devotion to the Wedge's cause? CROW: Well, it's *money.* > Genom has > ambitions of world domination. Entropy has a lot of computer > ability. I see a connection there." CROW: [ReRob] Mind you, I saw a flight of black helicopters just last week... > "Go on," Zoner said, his interest piqued. Ben, on the > other hand, could not have ignored him harder. TOM: [Ben] I wrote the plot--you don't have to explain it to me. > "Genom looks for world domination. They hire Entropy. > They see the Wedge Rats as a block in their path; we're the > only others with this technology. MIKE: [ReRob] Plus, we're so naturally lovable... > I hope. And ours is > better than theirs--we have an HDS. They use Boomers, et > al., to try and take us down--it doesn't work. My guess is, > they decided to try something else. Now what better way to > defeat the Wedge Rats than to destroy our two finest > combatants--and, not quite incidentally, our morale?" CROW: What about all the disconsolate Wedge Rats left out of the race for Kei and Yuri's hearts? TOM: Ah yes, but Ben and Zoner ultimately control them all. > Ben slammed the Return key, turned around, glared, and > turned back around. ALL: He did the hokey-pokey, and he turned himself around. That's what it's all about! > "I'm detecting strong hate waves here," MegaZone said. > "Why do you think I'm still wearing the CVR?" MIKE: [Zoner] Because of the trouble you had taking it off the last time? > "So basically, we have to go head-to-head with Genom > Corporation? Um, even the Knight Sabers have problems. This > isn't going to be easy." > "No, it won't," ReRob agreed. "But here's the good > news. CROW: [ReRob] For one thing, we've got script approval. > Our technology is better. You saw what I did to one > of those choppers with a single minimissile, right? TOM: [ReRob] But then, *I* did it... > Now I've > got the CVR and the 52 Battler here. If we have to, we can > outfit the entire fraggin' Wedge with VR-052 Battler > Cyclones." > MegaZone was silent as he considered the implications of > that statement. He pictured an army of Wedge Rats in CVR-3 > and Battler Cyclones and shuddered. He pictured honor, > glory, and death. CROW: And for everyone in the room, too. > He smiled. > "Of course," said ReRob, "we're not going to give one to > Schletz. Are we?" > "No, I don't think that would be a terribly good idea." TOM: Alas, poor Schletz. We know why they hate their enemies; we don't know why they hate their friends. > "Still...I don't think VR-052s are going to be enough. > We need more diversity here. MIKE: [ReRob] We need merchandising tie-ins! > Ben's got me working on the > Griffin...that's gonna take me a year and a half, basically. > Ben whirled. "Like I'm not working just as hard!" he > shouted, then turned back and resumed typing. MIKE: [Ben] And I'm not using one of your plebeian mecha... > "Well, while he's working on artificial life, I'll be > working on something much simpler--weapons. Hopefully I'll > be able to pump out a whole bunch more of them." > "I'm not working on an army," Ben murmured, more to > himself than anyone else. CROW: [ReRob] Who said anything about *you?* > "Meanwhile. I should be able to modify the 052 enough > to make the 38 Light and the 41 Sabre. And the thing from > MZ23. MIKE: Why do they have to do it the hard way? I mean, their pictures of Kei and Yuri were erased, but... TOM: They've got to show their complete and utter mastery of everything in their universe, you know. > About the only thing I have to wait on--oh, shit. > There're three of us trapped in this station, we're all > guys-- CROW: There's a sitcom in here. I just know it. > there's no way in hell I'm gonna be able to template > CVR-she." > "I'm sure the Wedge women would gladly help you out. MIKE: These guys can't find a date without their magic computer, and now they're expecting to *measure* the female Wedge Rats? > And I think I'll talk to daver about obtaining some surplus > weaponry. Lots of surplus weaponry..." Zoner said with his > patented smirk. TOM: Somehow, I'm happy other people can't use that thing. > "This is gonna work," Ben muttered. > > > > Despair and Triumph----------------------------------THIRTEEN > > "It is so long before the mind can persuade itself that she > whom we saw every day and whose very existence appeared a > part of our own can have departed forever-- CROW: Unless she cleans out her closet, of course. > that the > brightness of a beloved eye can have been extinguished and > the sound of a voice so familiar and dear to the ear can be > hushed, never to be heard." > --Frankenstein > > Over the next five days, the statement "This is gonna > work" became a litany for Ben. He slept little, and ate > less, MIKE: It's the Benjamin D. Hutchins Diet. TOM: Pity about its side effects. > as he pounded away at the keyboard for hour after hour, > pausing only to nap when it was absolutely necessary, eat > when he was forced, shower, CROW: Cleanliness *is* next to godliness, after all. > change clothes, and tend his > hands. CROW: Wow, he's a regular slacker. > In the meantime, ReRob worked almost as intensely on > the mecha units and Zoner shuttled back and forth giving > technical advice. TOM: So *he's* the management. Pretty slick, Zoner! > Itsnotmygoddamnplanetunderstandmonkeyboy > was only xhosted to real_world for the shortest possible > amounts of time; to email out for food (and get it back by > email), MIKE: That could transform the pizza delivery service. CROW: Yeah, but great power entails great responsibility, so *we'll* never get it. > to email all the Wedge Rats for emergency notices, > and to admit Wedge Rats for fittings. > Ben's corner of the station was untouched, strewn about > with scribble paper and the like MIKE: Untouched, but strewn with scrap paper... CROW: Untouched by human hands! > as he wrestled with the > protocols of CLULESS, the problem being that as he gained a > clue to how it worked, it became harder to program in. TOM: Talk about your steep learning curves. > The > whole thing hinged on his objectivity, which was hard to > maintain considering the circumstances. Meanwhile, in > ReRob's section, Wedge Rats came and went, being issued the > Cyclone of their choice CROW: [ReRob] You can have it in any colour--just so long as it's lime green. > and exiting with it packed into a > large cardboard box. TOM: Those must be some pretty hefty cardboard boxes. > Quietly, almost silently, the Wedge was > gearing up for war. > After seven days of intensive programming, Ben suddenly > stopped typing and, with a final C-x C-c, shut down the emacs > window. He read his mail (alarmed notices from aej about > being 42 meg over quota, MIKE: Did he just type in forty-two million keystrokes? TOM: Suddenly, I can't stop thinking of monkeys at typewriters. > mostly), even read some news, trying > to calm himself before the big moment. CROW: I can just see him getting involved in a flame war over Kei's measurements... > Then he cd'd to > /usr-1 and prepared to compile. > Suddenly, a warning message came in. Someone was trying > to hose his terminal. Shut him down, log in through that > port to his account, and erase everything he had worked for. > "Nrrr!" he snarled, and began banging out a countercode. TOM: No one will be seated during the gripping "two guys typing" scene! > In Alden, Entropy met resistance and began to push > ahead. Whoever was resisting him, he was decent, but > Entropy's skill far outclassed his. He was fast and lucky, > that was all. MIKE: Plus there's the little fact that he's writing the story... CROW: Ah, but he can keep Entropy from knowing that. > "What is taking so long?" Largo demanded behind him. > "Shut up, I'm working." > "Work faster, fool! I'm paying you well to do this > job!" TOM: [Entropy] Yeah, and I pay you to pay me, so where's the problem? > <> > > For twenty minutes they battled back and forth; finally, > seeing he could hold out no longer, CROW: [Ben] I *really* need a bathroom break... > Ben prepared to try a > desperate, last ditch attempt. He while(1) fork'ed Entropy's > terminal and keyed a compile command. CROW: I'd be much more inclined to cheer him on if I knew what he just did. > "Wait right there," said ReRob from across the station. > "I forgot to tell you--clucomp's animate enabler has been > killed. Use the copy in your account." > "Thanks," Ben replied quietly; it was the first word > he'd said in almost a week. MIKE: It's nice to see Ben can be civil even after almost a week of monomaniacal self-absorption. > He returned to his homedir, > enabled the compiler, and engaged. > > Segmentation fault (core dumped) > > Two large anvils materialized on the ceiling and crashed > to the floor of the HoloDECstation, one on either side of > Ben's seat. TOM: Well, there's the comedy relief for this chapter. > All the color (what was left of it) drained out of Ben's > face. He grabbed his shoulders in the opposite hands and > began to rock slowly back and forth, chanting over and over > again, "No, no, no, no, no..." > Zoner stared at the xterm and drummed his fist against > his leg. CROW: Drum solo! > Ben clenched his fists and slammed them down on the > xtty, smashing its virtual face and deresolving it. "No, no, > no, no, NO!" He whirled, threw himself out of the chair to > the floor, an entire week of warring hope and despair > transmuted to pure despair. TOM: Ah, what delicious alchemy at work here. > "No..." > MegaZone walked slowly into a corner, collapsed into a > heap, put on a Walkman, and began listening to > NineInchNails' "Terrible Lie". MIKE: Then, horribly, he realised somebody had taped over the song with "The Anvil Chorus." > Ben pulled himself into an Indian-style position and, > rocking gently, began to sing. > > <> TOM: Ben get his song in brackets. Zoner just gets his mentioned. There's a double standard, right there. > This flower's scorched this film is on CROW: Hey, hold on. We were just supposed to collect the albums for all the other songs they included in this story. MIKE: He's actually singing this. CROW: Oh... Well, maybe we should be glad this is just text. > On a maddening loop > These clothes > These clothes don't fit us right TOM: It *is* kind of hard to cram two people into one shirt. > I'm to blame MIKE: Strange, isn't it, how songs can say the things you can't say yourself. > It's all the same it's all the same > You come to me with the phone in your hand CROW: [Kei] Somebody keeps asking me if I have Prince Albert in a can. This is another injoke, right? > You come to me with your hair curled tight > You come to me with propositions > You come to me with excuses CROW: [Kei] Not tonight, dear... I have a bug. > Dumped out in the road > You wear me out you wear me out > We've been through faith breakdowns self-hurt plastics TOM: One of these words is not like the others, one of these words doesn't belong. CROW: Can you tell which of these words is not like the others by the time he finishes this song? > collections self-help self-pain asked psychics > Fuck off ALL: Whoa! MIKE: We need one of those "explicit lyrics" warnings for this fanfic. > I was central I had control CROW: [Ben] ...and I *liked* it! > I lost my head > I need this > I need this > A paperweight, a junk garage > Winter rain, a honey pot MIKE: [Ben] And for my next trick, I'll use these four items to save the day! > Crazy, all the lovers have been tapped TOM: Well, at least until the next anime title is released with a hot female character cleverly left unattached to appeal to its male audience... oog... MIKE: Be strong, Tom, be strong. > Hotline, wanted ad CROW: Wanted: Single anime female to be unconditionally and inexplicably attracted to nearsighted college student with roving eye. Must fight to defend him and his way of life. > Crazy what you could've had CROW: [Ben] Being with me was sanity itself. > > It's crazy what you could've had > Crazy what you could've had > I need this > I I I need this TOM: Somebody hit him; he's skipping. > > While he sang softly to himself, drowning in his grief, > and Zoner did much the same thing with his Walkman on 10 CROW: What? His amp doesn't go up to eleven? > and > his hands pressing the headphones to his ears, ReRob went > over to the window and examined it carefully, hoping for > something, anything, that might help. MIKE: And even if he didn't find anything, it kept his mind off the singing. > And, his eyes > widening, he saw it. He turned to get Ben's attention--then > thought better of it; TOM: He preferred to let Ben stew in his grief *just* a little longer. > having such a trivial error (missed > paren) pointed out to him in this state might evoke a rather > harsh reaction. MIKE: ReRob's the kind of man who enjoys the finer things in life--like living. > Instead, he corrected it, ran over the file, > and, his fingers crossed, compiled it. > Then he pulled off a quick file transfer and logged out. > Ben finished the last, wavering note of his song, TOM: AARGH! Arch Hall, Junior returns! MIKE: Eegah. > pressing his clenched fists to his eyes; he could taste the > salt as the water ran from his face, wetting his shirt. He > didn't care. He didn't particularly care about anything > anymore. CROW: Well, except for the futures market. > He just wanted to revenge himself on the people who > had done this to him--and then die. TOM: Die slowly, painfully, and messily. MIKE: Feeling dark? > A hand touched him gently on the shoulder. He slapped > it away with a snarl of rage. The last thing he wanted now > was to be comforted. MIKE: The first thing he wanted was something crunchy. > Strong hands grabbed his own fists, > drawing them gently away from his eyes; he tried to twist > free, but the grip was firm--but soft somehow... CROW: [announcer voice] Soft on fists, but strong enough to draw them away. > the hands > were too small and smooth to belong to ReRob or Zoner-- TOM: [Ben] Kei? Yuri? Priss? Deunan? Saavik? Vision? Nadia? Gally? Skuld? Am I getting close? > > <> TOM: The haunting Kei theme? > > He opened his eyes, slowly, hesitantly, not wanting to > dare to hope to believe. Tears ran free as his lids slipped > open, splashing onto his saturated shirt. CROW: Those are some pretty baggy eyelids! > His vision cleared > as the liquid slid away from his eyeballs and a face snapped > into nearly clear focus. TOM: Sounds like Ben's overdue for his next visit to the optometrist. > Kei's. > Ben wondered if he was insane or just dreaming. MIKE: No, that last one's Hortense. > She was > wearing her jeans, sneakers, and her Operation Zenith t- > shirt; he had brought them with him from his room the last > time he emailed himself to Morgan to get a shower, MIKE: Email himself to take a shower... Why can't I do that? CROW: You aren't making up your world as you go along. > in a > gesture of hope that she would appear. He suddenly realized > that he was wearing that shirt today too. CROW: See? What did I tell you? She reflects his fashion sense. MIKE: She already did. CROW: She does it better now, okay? > "Kei?" he said weakly. "'Zat you?" > "It sure is," she replied. Then she released his hands > and grabbed him up in a hug. TOM: [Kei] Maybe if I take the initiative from the start this time... > "My God," Ben whispered to himself as he hugged her with > all his strength, clinging desperately, not willing to > believe but never wanting to disbelieve. He needed an > anchor, something to keep him moored in the world. MIKE: Fictional characters *are* the bedrock in a lot of people's lives. > "Kei, > you're alive!" Something snapped in him; a week of rage, > frustration, hope, and despair CROW: And pickles. Don't forget pickles. > all came gushing out of him in > a tremendous storm of relief. CROW: At least, that's what he *called* it. TOM: [Kei] Eew! Ever heard of mouthwash? > "Goddamnit--you're alive!" > He began laughing hysterically and crying at the same > time, dancing, punching at the air in joy, thumping the > walls, degaussing the HoloDECstation, thanking ReRob over and > over and over again, kissing Kei, getting kissed by Kei, TOM: When he started kissing ReRob, he realised he was getting a little carried away. > exulting, cheering, rejoicing, and thus and so on. > Ben calmed a bit when he realized that their fierce > embrace MIKE: He did all that while clinging to Kei? BOTS: Multitasking! > was 1) making the muscles in his arms twitch with > fatigue and 2) bruising him; CROW: [Ben] Hey! The only one who hurts me around here is me! > he held her at arms' length by > the shoulders and looked deep into her eyes, his own > shoulders heaving as he tried to get his breathing under > control so he could talk. > "Kei, there's something I want you to know...I had my > initial misgivings, I was indecisive, I was scared... ALL: [singing] At first I was afraid, I was petrified... > I > thought I'd never see you again. This is weird, it never > occurred to me that this could happen to me... MIKE: [Ben] It isn't *supposed* to happen to me! TOM: [Kei] Well, you can make sure it won't happen again for a good long time... > I never > thought.." > "Right before it all went dark I saw your face," she > told him at the same time. CROW: [Kei] It was the final crushing blow... I couldn't take it any more! > The conversation connected about > as well as the NFS server tends to, but neither particularly > cared for continuity at the moment. TOM: So... Yuri's clothes keep changing? MIKE: The background shifts? CROW: Ben's oh-so-manly stubble comes and goes? > "The pain there--I was > actually more afraid for you than me. TOM: Deeper and deeper, Ben. > I've never felt that > way before...it's kind of unsettling." CROW: You'd better get used to it. > Almost simultaneously, they closed their eyes, took deep > breaths, and pulled each other tight again, never mind the > goddamn bruises, TOM: Now *there's* the self-destructive Ben we know and tolerate. > and both murmured the same phrase into the > other's ear: "I love you." > A few moments previously, Zoner had heard all the > commotion through the music blasting through his Walkman. He > tore off the headphones, throwing them to the floor, and > turned around, about ready to explode in a violent rage. CROW: [Zoner] Aw, man, I was *zoning!* > Then he saw Ben standing near his xtty keyboard, tears > streaming unchecked down the side of his face Zoner could > see, MIKE: Zoner's the skeptical sort--he never assumes anything about the side of a face he can't see. > locked in a fierce embrace--with Kei! > Zoner quickly scanned the environment of the HDS and > locked onto a form ALL: [make beeping targeting noises] > he had never again expected to see, Yuri. > She was standing off to one side, naked, and he hadn't had > the foresight to bring clothes. CROW: *Sure.* We get you, Zoner... Heh, heh. > He ran over to her and > covered her in his denim jacket, well, as best he could, and > hugged her for all he was worth. As he choked back tears of > joy and relief he kissed her passionately MIKE: Kissing and choking--he must be catching up on lost time. > and said, "You're > back, I can't believe it. I missed you so much, I only felt > this way about one other person. TOM: [Yuri] One *other* person? That's it, Mister One-And-Only! > I, I love you Yuri. I want > you to know that, I really love you." CROW: [sniffs] I'm touched. Hold me, Mike. MIKE: No. > "I love you too, Zoner," Yuri sobbed. They stood there > holding each other for a long moment. Then Zoner noticed > that his jacket didn't really cover much, Yuri would need > some clothes. He called up an Email window xhosted to > real_world in E7C and grabbed some clothes she had left > behind. TOM: Handy device, that magic computer. CROW: Oh, he just didn't want Ben and ReRob to get a chance to see her naked while he was running to find clothes. > > A couple of minutes later, ReRob went to ask Ben about > something in the Griffin armor; he discovered both Ben and > Kei curled up in the corner under his xtty, fast asleep. MIKE: Why would Kei be tired? She was just recreated. CROW: Ben cared enough to throw a preference flag. > ReRob marveled at the resilience of the human spirit and > went back to work. He would just have to decide for himself > which option Ben would prefer. MIKE: [ReRob] Let's see, fuzzy dice or pine air freshener... > Meanwhile, in Alden, Entropy received a piece of angry > email from aej demanding to know why he too had over forty > megabytes of stuff in his account. It's the last straw, the > letter went, I've had enough of this shit, you can kiss your > ass good-bye. TOM: Ah, to return to that delightful time when civility and camaraderie reigned supreme on the Internet. > And then pif! Entropy's account vanished into > the ether. No password disability, no week's grace period-- > just zap! and it was gone. MIKE: Why was Entropy's account erased when Ben did exactly the same thing first? CROW: Because Entropy's evil, obviously. > Once and for all, aej had proven his superiority over > the common user, no matter how skilled. MIKE: Maybe that's the explanation--"aej" just wants, like everyone else on the campus, to show off. > Cursing, Entropy went out into the main room, slugged > Largo, TOM: Yeah, we know who the *real* villain here is. > and stormed out of Alden Hall. It would take him > hours to rebuild that account. CROW: Life's a string of aggravating inconveniences, and then you graduate. > > > > The Second Wedge War---------------------------------FOURTEEN > > "I mean come on...how do you guys expect to beat me? > --Good answer. Good answer!" > --Raphael > > THE WEDGE > WEDNESDAY 1 JANUARY 1992 > > The Wedge Rats were gathered in their home, overflowing > the two principal Wedge booths and running off into the big > one by DAKA Jr. as well. ReRob was explaining the events of > the last couple of days. MIKE: [ReRob] And after *I* dragged Ben and Zoner out of their funks, *I* realised exactly what was going on... > "What happened to Kei and Yuri?" Erik Swimm asked him. TOM: Didn't he have a hole burned through his shoulder? CROW: They can do some amazing things with Silly Putty these days. > "Yeah," said Grendel, "I heard they got killed or > something?" > "To paraphrase Mark Twain," a rejuvenated, showered, > well-rested and non-hungry Ben CROW: The best kind! TOM: For Ben. > said as he rounded the corner > from the nosh machines, "the reports of their deaths have > been greatly exaggerated." > "Isn't that the truth," Zoner added with a smirk TOM: I think his face has finally frozen that way. MIKE: Happy, Tom? TOM: Unfortunately, no. > as he > followed. > Kei and Yuri walked out into the Wedge, wearing matching > suits of CVR-3F, or CVR-she. CROW: They just keep throwing on clothing! TOM: Maybe Ben and Zoner are getting especially possessive. > In extremely dark black. Not > flat black or gloss black or matte black; more of a WOW > that's black kind of black. Blacker than space itself. A > color you could actually hear if you listened closely > enough. MIKE: And, of course, Ben and Zoner have the patents. > Their helmets were tucked under their arms and their > lasers slung in preferred positions, crossdraw for Kei, > straightarm for Yuri. The only adornments the armor bore > were the large red hearts on their shoulders where the unit > flashes went. > > <> > > There was a general silence, the entire Wedge struck > dumb by this development; then the room erupted in cheers. CROW: [Wedge Rat] Wow! How did you get that colour? TOM: [Wedge Rat] I just love what you've done with your lasers! MIKE: [Wedge Rat] Aaw, what a cute emblem... > Several studying mundanes got up and left, whining about > complaining to SNaP. TOM: Don't think of it as being lifeless losers--think of it as getting while the getting's good. > After this reception, the meeting took on official form; > ReRob was demonstrating the proper donning and removal of the > CVR-3 body armor MIKE: Determined through long and painful practice, no doubt. > and Cyclone mecha unit; pfloyd, and Crocker > were reviewing tactics. Ben, Kei, MegaZone, and Yuri were, > erm, discussing some fine point of boffa combat (Ben's nose > was bleeding, but it didn't particularly appear that he > cared). TOM: See my earlier point about nosebleeds. > ReRob finished his demonstration and, in due time, the > meeting began to break up. Wedge Rats filtered around in > different stages of armor, talking excitedly about the > prospect of revenge on those who had pushed them this far. MIKE: *They've* been pushed? Everything's happened to and *because* of Ben and Zoner! CROW: You know how it is... Once they've polished off Largo and Entropy, they'll take on the faculty and administration. > It had been established early on that they couldn't go > on the offensive, for the simple reason that they didn't know > where the enemy was. MIKE: That's supposed to stop them? > Entropy had been on from a wpi address, > but that meant absolutely nothing. A net.god like Entropy > could be anywhere, anytime he wanted. CROW: And right now, he wants to be at Daytona Beach! > And for that matter, > was there any guarantee that he would be based in the same > place as the others of the enemy? > Suddenly, the Wedge erupted into chaos. CROW: Kei and Yuri were feeling nostalgic and started another food fight. > The windows > along the Wedge booths exploded in flames, sending plexi > shrapnel through the entire room. Wedge Rats screamed and > scattered, MIKE: The Wedge Rats enact their tribute to the Allies' entrance into World War Two. TOM: Wow. Two dates that'll live in cheese in almost one year. > slapping sections of CVR-3 on and locking helmet > visors. ReRob darted behind the booth near DAKA Jr.; TOM: It's reproduced? CROW: There are some things even self-insertions can't destroy forever. > his > Cyclone was there, folded up. Everyone else's was waiting > outside, by the Quad. > Ben dove for cover behind his machinegun mount. It was > just about time to see if his armor was going to work; > he couldn't deploy the gun in here anyway. Not enough time > to turn it around. MIKE: And he's already used that toy. It's time to break out a new one. > Boomers came through the holes where Lower Wedge windows > had been, having sneak attacked via the Lower Wedge. Dirty > trick; the Wedge Rats never thought about the Lower Wedge as > an avenue of attack. TOM: And so we see why evil will always defeat good; because good is stupid. > > Crocker boldly gave the order: "Retreeeeat! Plan 42!" > As Wedge Rats scrambled to the Quad and their cycles, > Pfloyd seconded the motion. MIKE: I had the feeling they'd fight this battle using Robert's Rules of Order. > "It's not a retreat, it's a > strategic advance to the rear!" > Kevin ran out, yelling "Shut up, Adam. Just shut up!" > while slapping on the remainder of his CVR-3, and, not so > incidentally, wrecking his manicure. "Shit! My nails!" CROW: As always, the Wedge Rats never lose sight of what's truly important. > ReRob ran by, to his specialized VR-065 Obliviator > Cyclone. TOM: If these guys were any more oblivious, they'd be unconscious! > "Don't worry, Kevin. Your mecha's got better!" > "By the way, ReRob, which one's..." He stopped in mid- > sentence after exiting the airlock. Within the fleet of > motorcycle mecha stood one glowing hot pink VR-041 Cyclone, > the type with CADS sabres on each arm, which allow the > wielder to cut aluminum like butter. MIKE: Or was that butter like aluminum? > "Never mind." > Pfloyd didn't have any trouble finding his either; it > was the flat black Sabre with the unit flash on the tank > matching the one on his right shoulder; the circle, half red, > half white, with the crossed hammers in it. MIKE: In the meantime, everybody else is falling over themselves trying to grab the generic mecha they couldn't be bothered with distinguishing. CROW: Hey--we've already had a "quoting a directory" scene. Let's not throw in a "describing everyone's mecha" scene too. > Zoner ran to the fhuge motorcycle that was sitting at > the end of a row. Ah, the Bahamode. TOM: I guess Zoner's still a little too chunky to fit in Cyclone armour... > He mounted up and > revved the engine...such a sweet sound. He swung his hand > around in an arc over his head and yelled, "Rev 'em up and > let's kick some ass!" TOM: [British] Worcester expects that every self-insertion will do his duty. > Gryphon just stood there MIKE: We all know you've added to your invincibility by assuming your cool name, but shouldn't you at least do something? > and mentally called his GRF-3N > Griffin III Armored Combat Suit. TOM: You know, you could get to work slaughtering your enemies instead of competing to get the most perks. > It appeared in outline > around him, and he stood inside a live wire-frame drawing > while the suit formed itself around him, from monochrome to > CGA CROW: Unfortunately, the system locked up at that point, and for years Ben was taunted with the nickname "Cyan Boy." > to VGA to Cray resolution and beyond. > It was breathtaking, TOM: Of *course* it was. > built in an exact likeness of a > GRF-1N Griffin BattleMech save for the absent missile > canister. MIKE: *Another* crossover... okay, who saw that one coming? > Its entire surface was shimmering blue-silver > metal, except the facebowl, which was impenetrably black. CROW: We can only hope he operates on the principle that what he can't see can't hurt him. > On > the left shoulder plate was a 3WA symbol; on the right was a > map of Maine with a large GoV superimposed on it. TOM: I see *he* can put the decals on without ripping them. > The left > hand held a huge pistol-like weapon. CROW: Should we be seeing this? > Was the armor animated or real? MIKE: Given that he's made it who knows how many times with an anime character, you'd think the question wouldn't occur to him. CROW: Well, hey--the right answer would reassure him! > He swung his arm > around, targeted the nearest Boomer, and blew him away with > his left-hand-held particle cannon; the Boomer did just that, TOM: So the Boomer just shot him? MIKE: I'd like to believe that, but I can't. > with a satisfying explosion. Ok, it was definitely real. TOM: Either that, or *nothing* is real. CROW: And nothing to get hung about. > Ben was just kind of standing there, reveling in the > tremendous rush that comes from having one of your favorite > creations realized around you, CROW: Which, of course, he's been trying to recreate for months. MIKE: Hey, save that for the lemon version! > when a Boomer charged at him > wielding a laser sword. > Without really thinking about it, MIKE: I see Ben's battle style is an extension of his way of life. > Ben ducked, dodged to > the side, and lashed out with a left MIKE: That's the hand he was carrying the gun in! TOM: After months of hitting the magic computer, he can't interact with machines in any other way. > that sheared the borg's > head off and tossed it across the room. > Ben grinned and fired his back jets, leaping outside to > join his comrades as they raced around the "Quad track" > toward the regroup point in front of the gym. MIKE: Say, wouldn't people be noticing this? CROW: You expect the outside world to matter *now?* > The bikes raced around the Quad in a rather orderly > fashion, which seemed strange for anarchistic Rats. CROW: It took weeks to choreograph it alone. > After > reaching the gym, they cut across the quad making a B-line > for the Wedge, forming waves five bikes across. When each > line of bikes hit the curb, they hit the jets, popped into > the air, and proceeded to wrap the motorcycles around them. > Strangely enough, these bikes were built to do just that. TOM: And here I was hoping they were engaging in a mass pileup. > The first wave consisted of (from left to right) Pfloyd, > Cheryl.Z, ReRob, Tim, and Ktefft. ReRob's 065 packed twin > RLAMF-1 (Rotary Laser Array--Mondo Firepower Mk 1, or what > the wise opponent does on seeing one) laser weapons, six- > barreled laser Vindicators, which had the same effect at > range as the CADS did in close. TOM: [Joker] Those toys! Where do they get those wonderful toys! > Pfloyd and Ktefft were > wielding the CADS on their 041 Sabre Cyclones, and Tim was > going absolutely apeshit about the agility of the 038-LT > Combat Cyclone (after enduring several comments about > crossdressing from Cheryl, who was also running a 38 Light). MIKE: I guess they're confident enough of ultimate victory that they can insult each other. CROW: No, they'd probably do that no matter what. > The left three Cyclones opened the windows with a quick > barrage of mini-missiles, dubbed Search Warrant spells by a > duly impressed Rob Crocker. CROW: Any sufficiently advanced destruction is indistinguishable from magic. > Upon landing, the first wave's primary goal was opening > a landing zone for the second through nth wave. TOM: Their secondary goal was to have a good time doing it. CROW: They need to work on their priorities. > Tim > flattened opponents with rather exaggerated martial arts > moves ALL: [singing] Go, go, Power Rangers! > (after bouncing off the centerpost rather annoyingly). > As if the laws of physics themselves wished to annoy him, TOM: They've been annoyed enough already with everyone else. > he > heard the impact of his blows a second or so after they > landed. MIKE: This means something, right? TOM: I hardly care any more. > Kevin started working on the right side and Floyd on > the left. MIKE: When they met in the middle, they shook hands and sliced each other's arms off. > He and Pfloyd performed what can best be described > as military dissection on the 'bots, BOTS: Oh, boo! > 'borgs, and other > assorted nastinesses. CROW: And if a Wedge Rat just happened to be an assorted nastiness-- well, there's plenty more where that came from. > ReRob cleared out the machines from > where the 041 wearers reach ended to the back end of the > Upper Wedge. Cheryl just generally wreaked havoc, a thing > she had no small expertise in. > The next second, the second wave came in, and the first > one peeled off to the side. Ktefft jumped through the window > they keep telling the Rats not to lean on MIKE: Taking every chance they can get to further disrupt the cruel order of their lives, I see... > and proceeded to > mosh with everything in the Lower Wedge. TOM: It became necessary to destroy the Wedge in order to save it. > > (Moshing With Vibro-Swords. What A Concept. Have To > Try It Sometime.) > > Within a minute, n waves of five Cyclones each (for a > total of 5n Cyclones), MIKE: It's nice to see they cater to the math-disadvantaged. > plus a Griffin III and a Bahamode, CROW: *Especially* plus! > held the center strip of the Upper Wedge. The group then > proceeded to expand the strip until they ran out of Wedge. CROW: Too bad. There's still a universe to clean up, though! > Those machines that weren't destroyed retreated to the Lower > Wedge, and were subsequently pushed into Institute Road. > Ktefft proceeded to shift back to bike and run about, > slashing them off at the knees with his front-wheel CADS, > cackling with glee. TOM: He'll get them all, and their little dog too! > Zoner came barreling through the Wedge > on his mondocycle and did much the same thing, making > strafing run after strafing run with his front-mounted > lasers. MIKE: Wasn't the Wedge already cleared... > He was having too damn much fun to shift to mecha > mode. CROW: There's your explanation--when you're having fun, why worry about trifles? > ZRAK! A bolt of nifty-looking orange energy shot from > someplace in the crowd of robots, cyborgs, and other assorted > viciousnesses TOM: At least the Wedge Rats have enough humility to list themselves last. > to blow the front wheel off Kevin's bike. This > made it rather hard for him to do little things like steer > and balance. CROW: And it's always the little things that get you. > He went skidding into a dumpster. TOM: Huh. So much for the guy with the flamethrower. MIKE: Well, you don't want him to get *too* cocky. > Zoner slid > to a halt, one leg down; his skill on a bike had improved > greatly, thanks to lessons and practice with Yuri, Kei, and > Ben. MIKE: When did he do that? TOM: Oh, I'm sure his schedule had room to steal a bike every so often. > The crowd of mechanicals parted to allow one passage; > everyone stopped fighting and looked at him. He was tall, > powerfully constructed, TOM: I'm huge! > cloaked in red with golden trim; his > face was an amazingly silly-looking life-support mask. Made > Darth Vader look like James Bond. MIKE: We're left shaken, not stirred. > "I am...Coyle," the mechanized figure intoned in a > hideous cybernetic voice. "Yield to me now and I promise you > quick and painless deaths." CROW: At least think about his offer, okay? > "Ah, but you see," said Crocker, "it takes true strength > to transform..." MIKE: Which has exactly what to do with what he said? TOM: Just wait for it. > And he gave a motion of his hand. > Back in the Upper Wedge, Tracker, a member of Wave n-1, > slammed his armored fist into the Wedge Transformation > Button, also known as the nifty-keen SMOKING ALLOWED IN THIS > AREA ONLY sign on one of the posts. CROW: Last week, somebody tripped over a step and dropped everyone near the mailboxes into a bottomless pit. > > > > It Takes True Strength to Transform-------------------FIFTEEN > > "WARNING: Do NOT engage battloid mode without CVR-3 > armor!" > --The REF Field Guide > > > The Wedge went to immediate WeDon'tEvenHaveAColorForThis > Alert. The alarm system blared "NEE! NEE! NEE! NEE! NEE!" as > things started to move. The pavement out front of the Lower > Wedge split; E7 started to move across the street; Morgan > crumbled MIKE: Pretty shoddy construction, if you ask me. > as 401 began to descend on a mighty pillar of steel CROW: No, no! The other way! MIKE: Sorry, Crow. > that was not seen before. The entire Wedge started to fold, > shift, and change shape. Coyle and his forces fell back. CROW: [Coyle] It's the big special effects extravaganza! We've got to let them show it! > Kevin walked in from the snack machine area, having dug > himself out of the dumpster and entered through the stairwell > door. Meanwhile, MegaZone was racing out across the Wedge on > his obnoxiously large Bahamode, the throttle wide open, MIKE: *Inside* a building? CROW: Hey--it's not just a building, it's a state of mind. > and > skidding around for a strafing pass with his lasers. MIKE: Inside the *empty* building... TOM: [Zoner] Starting the transformation without my say-so--I'll make them all pay! > The Wedge hit a critical point in transformation; the > Wedge Rats scrambled back into the Upper Wedge as the Lower > began to rise into the air. The Lower Wedge began to hinge > away, the foldawalls folding smoothly away. Then one of them > jammed and the entire process hung with a hideous sound of > grinding gears. CROW: The clutch! Pop the clutch! > "I got it!" Zoner hollered; he came blasting through the > airlock, TOM: Just how much is left of this airlock? > already transforming, and with all his armor- > augmented strength, moshed the wall. MIKE: If it won't fit, force it. > SLAM! The device > folded into itself and almost dropped into the ninth > dimension TOM: Starting a chain reaction that killed them all! > before stabilizing. TOM: Oh, boo. > Zoner bounced back into the > Upper Wedge, rebounded off the support, and settled > gracelessly into one of the booths. CROW: Well, he's done for the day. Time to kick back and relax! > "Good work, MegaZone!" hollered Crocker as he scrambled > to take his position at the controls. MIKE: [Crocker] You lost a point on the landing--but you're used to that, right? > "Drive, Yuri!" Kei shouted, shoving Crocker out of the > way and climbing up through the roof hatch into Gweepery.Z, > now the control center. > "You actually want me to drive?" Yuri asked as she > followed, incredulous. CROW: [Kei] Crocker has *his* toy--we'll take our own! > "Only because I want to be weapons officer," Kei > replied, strapping herself into the now-bolted-in WedgeTerm. TOM: [Kei] Shotgun! > "But, but, but--" Crocker sputtered. CROW: He should really get that fixed. > "Sit down and shut up," Kei told him, MIKE: Too bad she can't say that to Ben. TOM: I wonder... Was this a vicarious thrill? > and slammed the > hatch. > The Wedge Rats scattered out of the Wedge as it finished > the transformation. The arms ripped up out of the ground; > Daniels collapsed and Morgan finished. The legs extended > from deep in the Earth, where they had lain since created by > the fabled First Wedge Rat. TOM: Had he but known... Had he but known. > His secrets had been passed from > generation to generation of Rats, but lost somewhere along > the way; from itsnotmygoddamnplanetunderstandmonkeyboy, Ben > had found them hidden deep in a .directory in /usr-1, no one > had thought of using ls -Ra. MIKE: Nobody but him. CROW: Hey, it's a given. > Now was their time for use. > With a tremendous shifting of mass, the Wedge turned, > took a faltering step. > It had transformed to a giant mecha unit. TOM: I'm really huge! > Don Ross appeared in the corner, scribbled some notes, > muttered, "Oh, geez, what a game, they're gonna love this > one," and vanished with a pop. MIKE: Huh? Did I miss something? CROW: Talk about phoning in your performance... > Up in the command center, Yuri slowly mastered the > nuances of piloting a mecha with a keyboard and cyberlink > (the keyboard concept is familiar to anyone with a lot of PC > games and no joystick); TOM: That's right--make a play for our sympathy by telling us what you don't have. > Kei's fingers danced over the arrow > keys as she settled the crosshairs of her cybersight onto one > of the Boomers. CROW: ASCII art saves the day! > "And now, I'd like you to meet a special guest of the > Wedge Rats," said Gryphon through his armor amps as he ducked > to the left, amazed again at how his bulky armor enhanced his > agility to superhuman levels, MIKE: After all--could even the magic computer bring such style to life? > and slashed a Boomer's head off > with his beam katana. CROW: Oh, is a beam *sabre* too good for you, Mister Gryphon? TOM: Better than his source material, right there. > "Say hello to our friend, Mister > Railgun." MIKE: Our friend and special guest--Mister Railgun! ALL: [wild cheering] > Kei smacked the space bar. With a tremendous KLUNK of > capacitors and a metallic WHANG!, the huge weapon mounted on > MechaWedge's left forearm spat a hypersonic projectile that > spitted the targeted Boomer where he stood, neatly pinning > him through like a bug on styrofoam. CROW: They're starting their very own Boomer collection. MIKE: It's good to have a hobby. > The Boomer's dysfunctional corpse was blown back through > the Res Life office, the four-foot section of railroad track > stapling him securely to the far wall. TOM: Dysfunctional families on their TV screens, dysfunctional corpses on their walls... It's an early '90's kind of story. > "Oh, and our other friend...Mr. Rougan!" > Kei hit the Enter key and out of the large barrel on the > right arm blasted a fully armored Rougan, howling like a > madman and wondering how he had gotten roped into this job. CROW: Why, the power of the *pun,* *cameo* and *injoke,* of course! TOM: It's almost as powerful as self-insertion. CROW: Almost. > He streaked directly into one of the clusters of Boomers, > where he let go with a lot o' mini-missiles and wreaked > general havoc. > Laughing like a madwoman, Kei proceeded to go absolutely > nuts with their friend, Mr. Railgun. CROW: Maybe Ben's going to have to have a little chat with her after this is over... > KLUNKWHANG! > KLUNKWHANG! Boomer after Boomer died. Yuri turned the huge, > ponderous mecha unit to the left, stepping uncertainly down > Institute Road. Everything would've gone just fine, but she > stepped on a moving minivan TOM: Moving? Alas, poor unidentified driver. You almost escaped. MIKE: At least they bothered to drop in *one* innocent bystander. > and the balance of the whole > thing got hosed. Kei lost motor control of Mr. Railgun as > the arms took over for the failing gyros, flailing > uncontrollably. CROW: It's doing the funky chicken! > She saw the ground rushing up and screamed: > "Yuriiiiiiii, you idioooooooooot!" > KER-WHAMMO! > With a colossal crash, the Wedge slammed into Gompei's > and utterly destroyed that entire wing of Riley Hall. MIKE: Either we've identified one of the evil buildings on campus, or they plotted this on their maps. > Meanwhile, Ben's armor sensors had discovered the source > of the weirdo energy patterns he had been receiving. CROW: The thought counted, of course, but he'd still prefer a better gift. > For > one, the reactor was going berserk; for another, there was a > mondo drain source under Alden Hall. With no further ado, he > used his armor's strength to punch a hole through the wall > and have a look. TOM: Well, that and it's just so much fun punching through walls. > He ran smack face-first into the rest of the Coylian > Armada. The rest of the Wedge Rats heard his frantic cries > for help CROW: Aaw, the big baby. He needs all his friends to bail him out, even with his custom mecha. > and descended on the place with the fury of a > million locusts in a wheat field. MIKE: Bet that must really *bug* the Coylians. CROW: Are you feeling all right, Mike? > They arrived just in time > to see John Coyle disappear into the new elevator, heading > up. The Boomers held them back; laser and missile fire was > thick and heavy on both sides, and on both sides there were > casualties. CROW: *Both* sides? Never! TOM: You know how it is--while in production, some of the actors undoubtedly started acting up. They had to deal with them *somehow.* > Fritz was put out of the action early by an > incredible shot that vaporized his helmet; he was unharmed, > personally, but in such shock from the circumstances that he > slumped to the floor, babbling about MDC structures. CROW: Ah-ha! We've deduced a new name for "Mary Sue" from the context! TOM: Actually, when you consider the RPG system that used that-- CROW: Tom, we don't want to know. > The Wedge Commandos reached the elevator-- > And the bells rang. > Everyone stopped. The bells chimed five o'clock. TOM: [announcer voice] It's Miller Time. CROW: Don't mind if I do! [He gets up to leave; Mike holds him back.] MIKE: Just sit and watch, Crow. > All > was normal; the fight resumed. > And then, over the tremendous amp system on Alden Hall > and everyone's suit com unit, John Coyle unleashed his secret > weapon, the weapon he was counting on to win him the war now > that his troops had failed him. MIKE: No! Not "Don't Worry, Be Happy!" > He put in the Robotech Perfect Collection, and cued up > "We Will Win" by Lynn-Minmei. On infinite repeat. TOM: Well, *I'm* convinced of Largo's utter depravity. MIKE: And if I never hear the word "context" again, it'll be too soon. > Wedge Rats screamed and dropped to their knees, > clutching their heads; some tore off their helmets and threw > them away, trying to escape the radios, but only exposed > themselves to the outer speakers. Even Ben, who had never > heard her sing, was not immune; he kept on for three more > steps, stumbled, and collapsed, writhing in agony. TOM: On the other hand, this *is* a bit much... > A single Wedge Rat reached the elevator. Grimly > blocking out the sound and ignoring the intense pain, Kevin > Tefft hit the button for the uppermost floor and began his > trek to the clock tower. > Actually, there was another; Zoner, who liked Minmei's > singing, stopped fighting to just stand there and take it in. TOM: As much as I appreciate Zoner's ability to hold his own opinion, shouldn't he be *doing something* about now? > > "Oh, marvelous piloting, Yuri," Kei sputtered as the two > of them crawled out of the rubble that had been Gompei's. > "Well, you're the one that wanted me to drive, and > besides, it's not my fault. MIKE: It's never her fault, isn't it? TOM: It's never *anyone's* fault. > That van was in the way--" > "Why didn't you avoid it?" > "With you shaking the whole goddamn Wedge with that > railgun? TOM: [Kei] Hey! That's *Mister* Railgun! > Somehow I don't think it was intended for full-auto > fire like that--" > "Oh, sure, now you're blaming it on me." CROW: [Yuri] Hey, it beats blaming it on *myself.* > The music began to play; the gunfire stopped. Kei > cocked her head TOM: Watch it! That head's about to go off! > and listened; yes, it was terrible music, and > if the woman singing had been present Kei would've felt > honor-bound to shoot her, MIKE: What, she needs a *reason* to shoot somebody? > but why should that stop the fight? MIKE: You'd think she'd recognise an injoke by now. TOM: The contrivance mixed in with it must have thrown her off. > "Kei, I know that music. It's from that videotape > MegaZone has." > "Oh, that narrows it down a lot." > "No, I mean it. It's from...Robotech, I think...the > singer that beat the giant aliens. MIKE: Say... weren't the giant aliens the bad guys? TOM: You know the rule, Mike. It's not whether you're good or evil-- it's whether your victory is cool or not. MIKE: How could I forget... > I think Coyle's trying to > kill the Wedge Rats with it!" > "Well, come on then! Let's go save them." CROW: [Kei] So much for the self-insertions--it's time for the *real* characters to take over! > "Kei, we can't. We don't have the firepower to take on > all those 'bots and 'borgs by ourselves! CROW: I guess they'll just have to outsmart them! TOM: In this story, and this battle? CROW: Good point. > We lost our > Cyclones in the crash--all we have left are our lasers and > our CVR." > Kei smiled a wicked smile. "Oh, no we don't. TOM: [Kei] You forgot our charm school diplomas! > Come on, > I have an idea." > The elevator door opened; Kevin staggered forth, the > pounding in his head getting worse, MIKE: [announcer voice] When you've got a headache this big... > and made for the stairway > to the bell tower. A Boomer emerged from the shadows; > snarling in pain and rage, Kevin cut it down. Ahh, CADS. MIKE: [announcer voice] CADS spells relief! > ReRob was right; he had to admit, however grudgingly, that > the things were better than his nails. > He took the stairs two at a time and smashed the door > open with a foot. Coyle, surveying the campus from the > belltower, whirled. TOM: Where's the sniper rifle? > "You. I might have known." He raised a hand, fist > clenched. "I never thought I would say this to you, of all > people, but it seems appropriate..." Muscles (or something) MIKE: Spaghetti? CROW: Small rodents? TOM: Giant bugs? > flexed under the black leather of his sleeve; MIKE: I thought Coyle wore red and gold. CROW: He must be going for that extra touch of evil. > three gleaming > blades of blue-silver metal, similar to the metal Ben's armor > was made of, CROW: Ooh! If Ben can't best him in single combat, he can just sue the pants off of him! > popped out of the back of his hand. A similar > set extended from his other hand. "Shall we dance?" > "Certainly." CROW: [Kevin] Tango, foxtrot, or funky chicken? > Kevin leaped to the attack, his Cyclone > propelling him into furious battle; Coyle's blades smashed > aside a humming CADS blade in a shower of sparks. CROW: [Kevin] Foxtrot. > Neither > weapon was damaged, but Kevin was amazed at the strength of > the parry. Obviously, whatever he was packing inside those > limbs of his was not ordinary muscle tissue... TOM: [announcer voice] Brought to you by 3M innovation! > At his best, it would've been a fair fight. Handicapped > by the constant noise and pain of Minmei singing, there was > no contest; Kevin was struggling to stay alive. His one good > shot tore free Coyle's mask, revealing his face, sort of > intact but crushed, his entire throat and one eye replaced > with steel and electronics. MIKE: It's the Rock-Em-Sock-Em-Robots! CROW: Hey! That's a base slur! > > Andrew Petrarca was walking peacefully up West Street > toward the Wedge area, his Lazer Tag rifle over his shoulder, > when he noticed Kei and Yuri running toward him, in CVR, > helmet shields open, as fast as they possibly could. TOM: [Andrew] Cool! Finally, some attention! > He raised a hand to address them, but they were past > him; one of them had knocked him down, he hoped by accident, CROW: If they didn't like him, his life would be nasty, brutish, and short. > and his rifle was gone. Shrugging, he got up, dusted himself > off, and made a mental note to remind them about the property > of people who aren't in the LRPG. CROW: I'd like to remind them about intellectual property. MIKE: I wouldn't go there if I were you... TOM: Cool it, both of you. > Zoner wandered into the belltower, having gotten out of > his Bahamode to climb the stairs; he noted the disc player > wired into the sound system and the Robotech Perfect > Collection CD box next to it. Suddenly, he realized that the > disc was his, and had been missing from E7 after his magtape > got hosed. MIKE: Well, Zoner's day is made. > Grinning at having found it, he ejected, boxed, > and pocketed it. > Like magic, the music was cut off. > Fortunately, Coyle hadn't had time, in his battle with > Ktefft, to give his Boomers orders to kill the incapacitated > Wedge Rats. MIKE: They were incapacitated well before Kevin started fighting him... TOM: His IQ is in the freezer, remember? > Ben struggled to his feet, blood running from his right > nostril; TOM: Ben really has a problem with nosebleeds. > he ran a quick systems check. Everything was > intact, although the med monitors informed him that he had > been better. He got himself fully upright and looked around. > Some of the other Wedge Rats were on their feet already, and > others who had been worse affected were not, and didn't show > signs of being so anytime in the future. CROW: I've heard about the healing powers of music. This is the first time it's the other way around. > The Boomers noted that their adversaries were recovering > and went from overwatch mode back into default combat. > Suddenly, the building shook with a roar. The doors > fell. The Wedge Rats whirled. TOM: The Boomers struck! [pause] Hey, a bot can dream, can't he? > Down West Street, the muzzle of its cannon emitting > smoke, came careening an orange Game Tank from TRON. Across > its bow were written the letters "ORANGE". CROW: It's the world's first fanfic for the colour-blind. TOM: I think it's an injoke. CROW: Whatever. > It skidded around > the corner and slammed bow-first into the beech tree, > shredding a tread. MIKE: This is the *tanks* they get? BOTS: [groan] > > "Ow!" Kei shouted as her helmeted forehead slammed into > the gunsight. "You moron, that's the second time you've > crashed today." > "Look," Yuri responded from the hull, "if you don't like > it, you drive! Besides. Zoner never finished giving me > lessons." MIKE: So it's his fault, really. That's fine. TOM: But she needed his help in the first place... MIKE: Don't spoil my good mood, okay? > "Shut up, I'm shooting." Which she proceeded to do, > quite adroitly, holing the front of Alden Hall with round > after round from the Game Tank's chevron cannon. > WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM click click click ratchet > whirrr... > "Uh oh..." MIKE: Insert twenty-five cents to continue... > > The constant fire from the Game Tank had kept the > Boomers' heads down; CROW: What about the Wedge Rats? TOM: Smart chevrons. > now they rose again, looking quizzically > outside, wondering why the crippled vehicle wasn't firing any > longer. > "Huh," said Jeremy in a loud voice. "Looks like they're > outta ammo." > The Boomers rushed the tank. TOM: So... the bad guys need the knowledge of the Wedge Rats to do their dirty work? > "Jeremy, I've wanted to do this for a long time," said > Gryphon. "You just gave me an excuse." CROW: [Gryphon] And in the middle of this desperate battle, the time has come! > And with that, he > gave Jeremy a tremendous punch in the face, one that > shattered the facebowl of his helmet and sent him spinning > bloodily into a corner. MIKE: All he did was make a *statement of fact*--and, while I'm getting a little fuzzy on exactly who everyone is, I think he was *one of Ben's soldiers!* CROW: He certainly knows how to keep his men in line. > As he fell to the task of yanking Boomers off the tank, > Ben wondered idly if he'd killed him. Not that it mattered. TOM: After all--what's one more kill, even if it's on your own side? > > Back at the CCC, Andrew noticed the trontank.gif running > on itsnotmygoddamnplanetunderstandmonkeyboy and that it had > been somehow stripped four bits. He ran an xrefresh across > it--his good deed for the day, he figured. MIKE: It's been a full day for him. > > The tread knitted together. "Kei! The tread's back > up!" Yuri shouted, and backed the tank rather violently > around. The motion pitched several Boomers, a couple of > Cyclones, and the Griffin off the hull of the tank, MIKE: At last Ben's been knocked around a little. CROW: Oh, I'm sure he cared enough to add padding to his design. > banged > Kei's head against first the back of her seat and then the > gunsight again, and then smashed the back of the tank into > the Higgins basement, where it became well and truly mired. CROW: Oh, those wacky woman drivers. TOM: Did they just add a crossover with the Lockhorns? > "ARRR!!" Yuri screamed in frustration, slamming her > fists down on the control board. > "Well, we're in a better firing position now," Kei told > her. "If we had ammo." For lack of anything better to do, > she targeted a Boomer and shot. TOM: [Kei] P-ting! Eat sullen dislike, Boomer! > WHAM! The cannon bellowed out another chevron, neatly > ripping several Boomers in half and narrowly missing chopping > Rob Crocker's left arm off at the shoulder. Crocker yelped > and dove face-down to the pavement. TOM: You know, there just may be something between Ben and Crocker... MIKE: So why doesn't Ben just punch him in the face instead of working through Kei? CROW: Because Crocker is normally armed. > "Yahoo!" Kei shouted, punching the air. She proceeded > to hose many many Boomers until the ammo ran out again. > "Damn," she said. "Didn't do enough damage to bring > Alden down." MIKE: Why, exactly, do they have to do that? TOM: You still expect *reasons?* > "Do we have any other armament?" > "Just this strange rifle I picked up from Android." MIKE: I'm sure a little red dot will really terrify the Coylians... CROW: I think you just jinxed it. > "So, try it already!" > "Great idea, but this is a lousy fire position. This > looks like a laser...we need to be in a better position to be > effective. Say, like, in the middle of the Quad." TOM: And now, should I ever be on WPI with a strange rifle, I know exactly where to stand to bring down Alden Hall. How educational! > "No problem." Yuri opened up a channel and requested > cover, which was promptly given; moments later, they were in > position and Crocker was giving the order to evacuate the > building. MIKE: Hopefully including the students in there... TOM: You think *they* care? > > > > Happy New Year----------------------------------------SIXTEEN > > "We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!" > --Dr. Peter Venkman > > > Zoner heard him; he hollered for Kevin a couple of > times, then figured he'd follow and ran downstairs, jumped > into his Bahamode, and beat it. Kevin had lost his com gear, > indeed, his helmet, CROW: I see Kevin's arranged for maximum screen presence. TOM: Hey--when all's said and done, you really do have to listen to the guy with the flamethrower. > to Coyle's blades already, and was in no > mood to be hearing MegaZone. He remained behind. > Thinking the building was evacuated, Crocker relayed the > fire at will order to Kei and Yuri. BOTS: [falsetto] Okay, but where is he? MIKE: You have to love the old standards. > They knelt shoulder to shoulder on the stone in the > center of the Quad, the rifle balanced over their shoulders. > With the flick of a thumb, twin eyepieces extended from > either side and the fore and aft grips activated. CROW: It's the beam rifle built for two! > Two > spotting beams emerged from the muzzle, spraying onto the > sides of Alden. Working quickly and professionally, the > Lovely Angels targeted Alden Hall; when their beams lined up, > they pulled the triggers in perfect sync. TOM: The new Olympic event--synchronised shooting! > A blindingly white beam of energy shot with a low hum > from the muzzle of the gun, transfixing Alden Hall and raying > out over the Worcester skyline, its angle carrying it well > over anything else. TOM: What a ripoff! Where's the massive collateral damage? MIKE: Just wait for it... > It ran for four seconds, MIKE: Hey! That's how long Ben's friends paused before reacting to Kei and Yuri! CROW: You remember that? MIKE: I also remember that MegaZone's next words were that they were all going to die. CROW: That *is* something worth remembering. > then snapped > off like a lightswitch. > There was a half-second of utter dead silence. > Then the entire building exploded. > The backblast blew Wedge Rats all over the campus, vaped > Boomers galore, MIKE: Isn't that a double standard? TOM: Yeah, but you have to expect it by now. > tossed Kei and Yuri back almost to the curb, > and blew all the glass out of Harrington's front. MIKE: How's that for collateral damage? TOM: It's acceptable. > Kei and Yuri sat there staring at the rifle; it was > obviously more than a laser rifle. CROW: See, Mike? MIKE: Well... You'd expect it, wouldn't you? What with the gatling guns and flamethrower and railgun stored in the Wedge... > Don Ross appeared, walked over to Kei and Yuri, helped > them up, and made some notes. CROW: [Don] Note to self: Dirty Pair are not overwhelmed by being helped up. > "That was incredible! Exquisite! Never before has > Alden Hall been destroyed with such style. MIKE: [Don] For once, we *won't* have to rebuild and do it over right! > A wave motion > rifle. Excellent! Ladies, I salute you. God, they're gonna > love this!" And he vanished again. MIKE: You know, this isn't any more comprehensible as a running gag. CROW: He's checked his contract, and he's out of here! > "Well, that's that," said Crocker as the Wedge Rats > assembled in front of the smoking crater that was once Alden > Hall. TOM: [Crocker] A building vaporised, a horde of homophobic cyborgs destroyed--just like old times! > "Wait a second--where's Kevin?" > The flagpole on top of Boynton fell to the ground. > Everyone turned to look. There, atop the clock tower, Kevin > and Coyle battled on, thrown there by the explosion and some > incredible stroke of luck. CROW: Plus, it's really cool! > The Wedge Rats gathered in front of the building and > watched, transfixed, TOM: And placing bets on the side... > as the two fought back and forth, > spewing epithets and blood in equal proportions. CROW: Well, there was a little more blood. But who's complaining? > Eventually, > they ended up facing each other atop the tower, glowering > with looks of pure hatred, their ribs heaving, weapons > gleaming and streaked with blood and machine oil. Then, with > a tremendous roar, John Coyle charged. MIKE: Hey, how do you stop a charging John Coyle? TOM: [obviously humouring Mike] I don't know. MIKE: Take away his credit cards. CROW: The fic's getting to him. Keep him distracted while I run. TOM: You'll run for help? CROW: No, I'll just run. > Kevin gauged his charge and stepped aside; one of his > CADS blades swept in a great crescent arc, while the other > shot straight forward. > "RRRRRAAAIII--GGGYAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" said Coyle as he ran > across the blades. The crescent arc ripped a great swath > down his chest and shredded his entire crotch area; TOM: Insult *and* injury, all at once! > the > extended blade centerpunched his chest in a most picturesque > manner. CROW: Do it with style, or don't bother doing it. > Kevin tore his weapons free and stepped completely > aside, smashing a palm strike to Coyle's back. Limbs > windmilling wildly, Coyle shot out over the edge, TOM: He can fly! > tumbled > twice, and slammed on his back into the pavement. TOM: Or not. > Rich walked up to him as he lay, moving feebly, severed > air lines and shredded flesh in his chest making an ominous > slurping sound as his rib cage rose and fell erratically; MIKE: Is that Rich or Coyle they're describing? TOM: Either way, I hope his health insurance is paid up. > he > stood over the shattered warlord and said sagely, > "A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to > slow down." CROW: The Wit and Wisdom of the Wedge Rats, Volume Nine. > Coyle gave him the finger. Rich kicked him in the face > and walked away. TOM: That's right, kick the homophobic cyborg when he's down. > The Griffin landed, his jets howling, right next to the > broken villain; he flipped up his faceplate MIKE: Huh? "The Griffin" did that? TOM: There comes a time when even the most shameless man must hide behind a cooler name. > and said, "You > know, this wouldn't've happened to you if you hadn't've > insulted people you didn't know...you've got no one to blame > but yourself." TOM: The moral of our story, ladies and gentlemen. > "Fuck you," Coyle hissed. > The Griffin raised his PPC and sighted. > "Not in a million fucking years," he replied, and opened > fire. CROW: With a dry cool wit like that, I could be an action hero. MIKE: Just keep it clean. CROW: Now where's the fun in that? > Fifteen rapid shots later, nothing much remained of > John Coyle but a burnt spot or fifteen in a Coyle-shaped dent > in the pavement out in front of Boynton Hall. MIKE: Kevin does all the work, but Ben pulls the trigger... CROW: Which is only understandable. > "Putz," said Ben as he sent his PPC back to hyperspace > and walked back to his friends. His armor sizzled and > deresolved, TOM: Leaving him naked. CROW: There's been enough fan service with Kei and Yuri already. > leaving him clothed as before. CROW: Phew! MIKE: I think we could accept that as a given. > The door to Boynton Hall opened and President Jon C. > Strauss stepped out to the bizarre scene of nearly a hundred > of his students, wearing body armor and carrying heavy > weapons, standing around a vaguely human-shaped dent in the > pavement that held a lot of burn marks and several carbonized > bits of something. His jaw dropped. CROW: They're in trouble now... TOM: They'll have to break out their ultimate weapon. CROW: You mean-- TOM: Yes--the Mentos! > "What is going on here? I demand to know who is > responsible for this." MIKE: A dim-witted administrator... Well, the campus comedy is complete. > "He is," Crocker announced, pointing at MegaZone. > "Me?! He's the one who wrote the damn HoloDECstation," > Zoner refuted, hooking a thumb at ReRob. > "So what? This all wouldn't've happened if he hadn't've > rezzed up the Dirty Pair!" ReRob protested, smacking Ben in > the shoulder. > "That's Lovely Angels!" Kei hollered, shoving Rob back a > couple of feet. CROW: No person to beat up next? And just when it was getting interesting, too. > "Me?!" Ben said plaintively. "I'm not the one who > kicked him in the face repeated amounts of times! TOM: [Ben] I only did it once! > I'm not > the one who blew up DAKA! I'm--" > "That wasn't my fault!" Kei yelled at him. "If Yuri > hadn't've--" > " Me? You're the one whose laser was off safety!" Yuri > jabbed. > "This laser is never off safety when it's not in use!" > Kei replied, drawing her laser and promptly but accidentally > shooting Jon Strauss in the forehead with it. ALL: Waap, waap, waap, wahhh... TOM: ZARK! > "See? See? It's off safety right now, you dumb--" > "Hey, hey, there's no need to fight," Ben said, trying > to get between them. "We won, we're safe." CROW: [Ben] At least, we're as safe as we want to be. > "Yeah," Zoner agreed. "It's over. But I think we may > get in trouble for this..." he finished, motioning toward the > now dead form of President Strauss and the rest of the rubble > strewn campus. TOM: And the award for understatement of the year goes to... Zoner! MIKE: Nobody's been upset before... so why now? CROW: Are you catching on, Mike? MIKE: No, I'm just numb. > Suddenly, incredibly loud hooting alarms blared from > Washburn Shops. NukeEng students in radsuits charged out, > hollering and screaming. Zoner collared one of them as he > passed. > "What's going on?" MIKE: [Zoner] This wasn't in the script! TOM: [Ben] Actually, we made a last-minute rewrite for dramatic effect... > "Somekindofoverloadthereactor'sgonnablowohgodohgodohgod- > we'reallgonnadieeeeeee!" the student replied, then wrenched > himself free and charged off down the hill. CROW: Our nuclear power industry is in good hands, wouldn't you say? TOM: Hey--maybe it's an early '90's Simpsons injoke. MIKE: Naah... They would have made it more blatantly obscure. > "It's only a ten-kilowatt reactor," Zoner said, "how > much damage can it do?" > "Well..." said Ben. > "What? What did you do, Ben?" > "Nothing! TOM: [Ben] Why is everyone looking at me? I've only shaped this entire endeavour to my benefit! > It's just that...when I was in my armor...the > magsensors were going absolutely nutzoid over that reactor. MIKE: [Ben] Plus, look at these marshmallows I had in my pocket! > There's definitely something very weird about it." > "Great. So we defeated John Coyle and the entire > Coylian Armada," said ReRob, "and now we're going to die in a > reactor explosion." TOM: Oh, the terrible swift sword of dramatic irony. > "Not necessarily. Not if we get our butts back to the > Wedge like really fast." > "You heard the man, let's move!" Crocker bellowed. TOM: [announcer voice] Hey, Wedge Rats. You've just defeated the entire Coylian Armada. What are you doing now? CROW: [Wedge Rat] We're going to Disneyland! > > > > The Wedge's Final Secret?---------------------------SEVENTEEN > > "Absolute Disintegration of Available Mass. As applied to > the city of Worcester and neighboring boroughs. Wheee!" > --gryphon > > "I hope this works," Ben said, his fingers running over > the keys of the WedgeTerm. "If it doesn't, we're toast." He > tried to force himself to remember the code for the transform > sequence...no...come on...ah, there it is. He typed it in > and executed. MIKE: Let's hope he hasn't comedically mistyped it *this* time. CROW: You know, I could go for some delicious strawberry jelly right about now. > The Wedge shuddered and began to transform--but not back > to the Wedge. TOM: It was becoming the world's largest Rubik's Cube. > Instead it began to fold back in on itself, > forming a stack of Upper/Lower Wedge over power core with > legs and arms folded around, Wedgeterms atop, M401 on one > side and E7 below. MIKE: Those are Ben and Zoner's rooms, aren't they? TOM: How *convenient.* CROW: How *contrived.* MIKE: It's pretty much the same thing by now. > From somewhere it sprouted wings. The > heaters in the Lower Wedge rose up to extend through the > retracting windows to form vast thrusters. MIKE: Pull up on legs and fold down. Step nine: twist upper body halfway around... CROW: Excessive force is not necessary; unless you really want to use it. > The Wedge booths > flipped over, forming elaborate control panels. An automated > takeoff sequence began. > The Wedge had transformed into a large, fugly starship > and was now lifting slowly and majestically out of the > wreckage of Gompei's. TOM: Look, you can see the wires. > "We're not out of this yet," Ben remarked to anyone who > cared, which at this point was everyone. CROW: A captive audience--the best kind! > He keyed a couple > more commands, one of which, unnoticed by everyone but Yuri, > was > > What do we do next, Doctor? A:> xpocket itsnotmygodddamn- > planetunderstandmonkeyboy > > The Wedge turned and its thrusters flared; it took off > for the upper atmosphere. ALL: [singing] So they stuck them in a rocket and they shot them into space... > From somewhere a computer voice > announced faintly, "Warning. WedgeWarp Drive is engaged. > Random figure. Random figure. Negative mass is critical." > "Negative mass--oh my God!" jtruss shouted. CROW: [jtruss] We've engaged the power of the *injoke!* > "Android! > He's back at the CCC! MIKE: [jtruss] And he owes me five bucks! > We've got to--" > "It's too late, we're outta here!" Ben replied. With a > terrible whirling, the Wedge dropped into warp drive. VOOM! > Earth vanished into the background and disappeared. > Two seconds later, the radium-reinforced reactor beneath > the Washburn Shops detonated. Remember the explosion from > the end of Akira? TOM: And... cue the stock footage! > Cut out all the psychedelic dream > sequences and that's what happens to Worcester. Within four > minutes, all that remained of the city of Worcester (as well > as several outlying boroughs) was a radioactive crater in the > Earth. Or leave the dream scenes in, if you like; CROW: Pretty slick... No need for editing! > they won't > make a whole hell of a lot of sense, though, as there's no > one named Tetsuo or Kaneda in this story. > > < (And I Feel Fine), R.E.M>> CROW: Stock footage? They've got stock music too. MIKE: They *did* beat Independence Day by half a decade. > > And near the center of the crater, glowing ominously and > indicating great radioactivity, was a single brick, engraved > "PRESIDENT JON C. STRAUSS". MIKE: And once more, insult is artistically added to injury. > Don Ross 'ported into the middle of the conflagration, > said, "Oh, GOD! This is perfect! They're just gonna love > this at SiliCon!", CROW: [Don] Never before have so many thousands of innocents been slaughtered with such style! > jotted some notes, and disappeared one > final time. TOM: [British] The battle of Worcester was won on the playing field of some guy's kitchen table. > > The Wedge hurtled through space; CROW: I just hope somebody did something about that mangled airlock before they left the atmosphere. > the Wedge Rats were > excitedly reliving their incredible battle, relaxing, working > out kinks, tending the wounded, or mourning the lost. > Ben was sitting in the corner, feeling rather morose > about being unable to save Android. TOM: Bad Ben! Go sit in the corner! > "Don't worry about Android," said ReRob in a feeble > attempt to cheer him. "He probably slept through it." MIKE: Feeble? Probably more like spot-on... > With a clunk, something docked with the roof hatch. > Wedge Rats went for their weapons in case it was another > attack; CROW: Or in case it was a salesman. They get everywhere! > then the hatch opened and down dropped Andrew > Petrarca and Larry Foard. > "Android! Entropy! You're alive!" TOM: Well, it looks like Ben makes it out of this story with no regrets of any kind... it was probably inevitable. > "Yep. Just before the explosion the Daytona from Hell > landed just outside waCCC. CROW: Talk about a deus ex machina. > Zoner remote rigged us out of > there", android beamed, just before Zoner entered the bridge. MIKE: Well, speak of the devil. CROW: The devil. The devil. > Hey, look--I'm sorry about what happened," said Entropy > to the Wedge Rats. "I honestly didn't know what was going > on." CROW: And if they believe that, I've got some choice swampland I'd like to show them. > He explained what had been going on. > "No problem," Ben said, although neither Kei nor ReRob > believed he meant it. TOM: Kind of ironic, isn't it? Entropy narrowly survives the apocalyptic destruction of Worcester, and now Ben's going to kill him... > "Well, look at it this way," ReRob said. "The > HoloDECstation got hosed in the explosion and Largo and > company with it, I'll bet...we won't have to worry about any > of that weirdness again. MIKE: [ReRob] We'll just have to worry about *new* weirdness! TOM: [ReRob] *Goofy* weirdness. > Right, Ben?" > "Uh...right," Ben said, slipping a hand into his pocket > unobtrusively and running a fingertip over CROW: Not now, not in front of everyone! MIKE: Don't get started so near the end. > the small metal > square nestled there. CROW: Oh. > Yuri just grinned and winked at him, > which had Zoner, Ben, and Kei wondering for weeks. CROW: [Yuri] Is that a magic computer in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? MIKE: Given the number of plot points built around Ben typing the wrong thing in his haste, I can just imagine how he's going to react when he sees what's really in his pocket... CROW: Is that a dirty riff, Mike? I've taught you better than you know. > > > > -----------------------------------------------------EPILOGUE > > "There are billions and billions of stars in the > universe." > --Carl Sagan > > > Ben sat in the Wedge that "night", long after everyone > else had gone to bed, staring out the windows at the inky > blackness beyond. MIKE: For when you stare into the abyss too long, the abyss stares back into you. > In just three months his life had taken an > incredibly weird turn, and the funny thing was, he liked it > better that way. TOM: Let's see. He doesn't have to work or study, he can blow things up and kill people he doesn't like, he can conjure things out of thin air, he's sleeping with an attractive young woman... well, I can't see why he wouldn't like it! > It was as though he had a place in destiny > and it was being fulfilled, slowly but surely. As though the > adventure he had just had was only the beginning. CROW: Is that some sort of veiled threat? > "Thinking deep thoughts again?" Kei asked as she entered > the Wedge, coming up behind him to circle her arms around > him. MIKE: [Ben] Indeed. How many licks *does* it take to get to the centre of a Tootsie Roll Pop? > "Not really," Ben replied. "Just looking at the > stars...and thinking about my life..." TOM: Ah. There's a heaping helping of shallow thoughts right there. > "You don't enjoy it?" she asked playfully, giving him a > little squeeze. CROW: [Kei] Time for some more freshly squeezed Ben! > "No, I enjoy it all right...in fact, I like it better > the way it is now, and that frightens me..." MIKE: The first one's free--but now he's *hooked.* > "It shouldn't," she told him. "It's just the way of > things." She gave his earlobe a playful nip. TOM: [Kei] The moon is full... and I wish I had some of your blood. > "Come on, it's > late." > "Yeah," he replied, putting an arm around her shoulders > as they walked back toward the place his room had ended up > occupying, "it is. And it's been one hell of a day. Happy > New Year..." MIKE: Okay, one last time. They're not upset in the slightest by the nuclear death of a city... TOM: Who do you respect more, Mike? Kei or Ben? MIKE: Uh... Kei... I guess. TOM: She wouldn't have been that upset in the first place. MIKE: Hmm... I guess I can see it that way. CROW: Besides, why get upset now? We're almost at the end. > > Zoner and Yuri sat in the glow of the Daytona from > Hell's LED dash, staring off into the deep blackness of the > night. MIKE: They're doing a lot of that lately. TOM: Staring into each other's eyes *can* get boring after a while. > "Bah," was all Zoner said. > "Hmmm," Yuri asked, snuggling closer to him. > "Just thinking about my life these past few months. A > couple of months ago, I was a fairly normal college student. MIKE: [Zoner] I had the odd power fantasy in which I fabulously aggrandised myself with fictional characters and objects, but who doesn't? > Now I'm sitting in a space-capable Dodge Daytona on top of a > space fortress, which was once a student union, next to a > woman I love, who, by all rules of normality, shouldn't even > exist as a sentient person. CROW: [Zoner] It's the "sentient" part that really got to me. > It is just a lot to handle. > `Bah' just pretty much summed it up for me." TOM: Zoner, you've got a way with words. > "Well, it hasn't been easy for me either. I have to > deal with the knowledge that I was a fictional character. I > wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for Ben. TOM: We wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for Joel. MIKE: I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for my parents. CROW: Ah, but Ben is somebody she can sleep with... > And after being > `derezzed' I have to wonder if it could ever happen again. > Am I real? Is it right for me to exist? TOM: On a philosophical level, perhaps. CROW: On our level, I could offer a number of objections. > Why did this all > happen? It confuses me when I think about it." > "Well, you're real enough for me to love. MIKE: So she matters because he can love her... CROW: How else? > And you have > as much right to exist as anyone else. As to why it all > happened, I don't know. TOM: [Zoner] Well, I do know, but if I told you why, you'd have to kill me... > I don't believe in fate, but I do > believe in random coincidence, which I think this all was." > "So, I'm the end result of a coincidence. That's kind > of disconcerting," Yuri said, shivering slightly. MIKE: Better check the AC, Zoner. TOM: In his flying car? Never! > "Yes, but I'm very happy with this particular > coincidence. CROW: [Zoner] And when I'm happy, we're all happy. Got it? > Sometimes you just have to go with what life > sends your way, and I'm glad life sent you my way," Zoner > replied, leaning over to kiss Yuri. > "Shall, we go for a drive? It's a lovely night," Zoner > asked. CROW: [Zoner] It'll last as long as we want, too. > "Yes, let's go," Yuri answered. > Zoner pushed a tape into the player, disengaged the > airlocks, and fired the thrusters. > > <> > > The Daytona from Hell was soon a small glowing point of > light among the stars. TOM: The Incredible Shinking Flying Car! > > "Acceptable," Largo said as he settled back into his > luxuriant leather chair, and surveyed his new office. MIKE: Oddly enough, his office building looked like a big G. TOM: Only the guy in the red jumpsuit can save us now! > "Now I will begin planning my takeover...and my > revenge," he muttered. > > > CROW: And on that ambiguous note, we are-- > In case anyone's wondering, here's the complete playlist for the > soundtrack album to _Undocumented Features_. CROW: No, I wasn't wondering! MIKE: It can't be *that* much longer. > Cheers! > --Gryphon > > Introduction: This is the monologue from the beginning of "When the > Walls Came Tumbling Down" TOM: Ah--foreshadowing! > on Def Leppard: On Through the Night. > > Money For Nothing: CROW: The magic computer theme! MIKE: It *could* have been its theme. > From Dire Straits: Brothers In Arms. > > In the Flesh?: From Roger Waters: The Wall Live In Berlin 1990. > > The Chord From Hell: The Ego Twins. MIKE: The Dirty Pair and the Ego Twins... CROW: A crystallisation of the Undocumented Features experience. > > Don't Shoot Shotgun: TOM: Use a wave motion rifle instead! > From Def Leppard: Hysteria. > > Oop!: the bit of Faith No More's "The Perfect Crime", CROW: Is getting away with this! > on the > soundtrack from _Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey_ that goes "Woops! Sorry > 'bout that! It's just an accident." TOM: With that philosophy, I can see how they got away with it. > > Thunderstruck: From AC/DC: The Razors Edge. MIKE: Probably still not as good as CADS. > > Handle With Care: CROW: Or she'll seriously hurt you. > From The Traveling Wilburys Volume One. > > Sweet Emotion: From Aerosmith: Toys In the Attic. CROW: Well, actually Toys from the Magic Computer. > > Soldier of Fortune: From Loudness: Soldier of Fortune. > > Desperado (Live): From The Eagles Live. TOM: That *would* be where you'd find a live song, I suppose... > > Fly Me Courageous: From Drivin-N-Cryin: Fly Me Courageous. MIKE: If you cry when you drive... Well, you could fly courageously. > > Save a Prayer (Live): From Duran Duran: Arena. > > Get Up: From R.E.M.: Green. CROW: The light's green, buddy--get up! > > You Shook Me All Night Long: MIKE: Now I've got a screw loose. > From AC/DC: Back In Black. > > She Drives Like Crazy: From "Weird Al" Yankovic: UHF. > > Love and Affection: From Def Leppard: Hysteria. CROW: Love and affection... hysteria... yep, there's a connection! > > Build a Fire: From Drivin-N-Cryin: Fly Me Courageous. (It's not > mentioned in the text, but it's a parallel song to "Love and > Affection, which is the theme for Zoner and Yuri--it's the theme for > Kei and I.) CROW: Poor ReRob. He didn't have a girlfriend; he didn't even have a theme. TOM: He had his machines. Maybe he was happy after all. > > Hell Or High Water: From The Alarm: Raw. > > Head Like a Hole and Terrible Lie: From NineInchNails: Pretty Hate > Machine. CROW: Coyle's album! TOM: Pretty? No, not accurate... although certainly insulting enough. > > Country Feedback: From R.E.M.: Out of Time. > > In the Flesh: From Roger Waters: The Wall Live in Berlin 1990. CROW: In the Flesh? TOM: In the Flesh. > > Back In Black: From AC/DC: Back In Black. > > Sold Me Down the River: From The Alarm: Change. TOM: Wait a second... Was that in the story? MIKE: I don't think so. BOTS: The Undocumented Features secret song! CROW: And don't even get me started on what happens when you play it backwards. > > Its the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine): From R.E.M.: > Document. > > Love Is a Long Road: TOM: Self-insertion can be an even longer one. > From Tom Petty: Full Moon Fever. > > Happy hunting; we think this, properly, tightly edited and well-cut, > makes one hell of a mix tape. MIKE: Just throw it together... and they're not responsible. > > As for the band, well, Ben & Joe & The Assistance go back a long long way, > and the story of their origins is too complex to tell here...email me at > gryphon@wpi.WPI.EDU if you want details. CROW: [Ben] For anything else... uh, ask somebody else. > CROW: And *now* we're-- > GLOSSARY---- CROW: How much longer are we going to be in here? TOM: Ironic, isn't it? We *end* where everyone else could *start.* > > By now I'm sure you have a lot of questions. MIKE: They show a keen appreciation for the moods of the audience. > That's what > this pseudo-glossary is for. Ok, take it from the top: > > 1) What the hell is going on here? > This story is a simple one, basically designed around a > popular theory of fiction: MIKE: The man who did really, really, really better. > boy meets girl under a silvery > moon, which then explodes for no sufficiently explicable > reason. (Apologies to Douglas Adams.) TOM: Why would *he* be offended? CROW: It's symbolic. In this tiny apology, all nervous feelings are erased and annulled. > It's the story of two > beautiful anime characters accidentally brought to life by a > typographical error and a compiler created by a drunken > programmer MIKE: Well, John Todd is no longer an idiot. For that, he must be glad. > one Saturday night and what happens to them on the > campus of an American technical school. TOM: Well, and what happened to the people who found them, but they're not *that* important. > Kei and Yuri are a team of troubleshooters for the > Worlds Welfare Work Association (3WA). They have an > admirable 100% success record--and a notorious ~75% casualty > record. CROW: I'll bet this little caper knocked up their score by a point or two! TOM: Well, if you count people who *don't* count. > Usually, the city/planet/space station they are sent > to in the course of their mission winds up being UTTERLY > DESTROYED, but here's the deal: it's never their fault. CROW: It's just the fault of the authors. > It > honestly isn't. Perhaps someone who's trying to kill them > gets a bit overzealous, perhaps the super-secret scientific > thing gets out of control, who knows, but circumstances > beyond their control lead to mass destruction. MIKE: No wonder Zoner was worried. CROW: Aah, he just had to think of how to use it to his advantage. > That isn't to say they don't do a good deal of damage > themselves--they're very good at their job-- TOM: No wonder they call them trouble*shooters.* > it's just that > most of their own destruction doesn't involve the deaths of > thousands of innocent civilians. That part is not their > fault. > However, the media doesn't see it that way... MIKE: This isn't one of those things where the fans understand the story better than the creators, is it? TOM: No, probably not. > For those of you with little or no knowledge of the > place where this action occurs, CROW: Oh, come on! Who doesn't know about WPI? It's "as seen in Undocumented Features!" MIKE: I wouldn't call that a draw. > Worcester Polytechnic > Institute is just that, a polytechnic institute located in > Worcester, Massachusetts. The campus computer network is an > Encore Multimax 520 running Berkeley UNIX version 4.3, and is > notorious for the unreliability of its IRC and NFS > connections. TOM: How's that for a draw? "Come to WPI, where the IRC and NFS connections drop all the time!" > A campus map is included with this glossary > (unless you got this off of the nets, sorry), CROW: If you got it from them, wouldn't you already be at WPI? > indicating such > important landmarks as Alden Hall, the Boynton Hall clock > tower, Fuller Labs (the building designed by M.C. Escher, > Salvador Dali, and Bozo the Clown), and the Wedge. MIKE: The *only* building on campus that doesn't deserve being blown up. TOM: Obviously, they saved the best for last. > The Wedge is extremely important to the story. It is > more than just a public area between two dormitories; it's a > state of mind. The Wedge Rats, as they're called, are looked > up to by some, CROW: *Who?* TOM: Well, this story could be nothing if not a marvelous advertisement to some. I just don't want to know *who.* > looked down on by most, but a fiercely > independent group and damn proud of the fact that their > interests give the average human being a splitting headache. TOM: Once you turn people off--why not take pride in that fact? > John Coyle, the chief villain of this story, is a real > person; CROW: You'd hope so. Otherwise, this would have been one scary antific. > in fact, every named character in this story, > excepting Kei, Yuri, and Largo, is real. MIKE: Albeit some are more real than others. > He is a frat > brother who, last year, wrote a long and insulting letter > accusing the Wedge Rats of mass homosexuality and other such > things. CROW: [Coyle] They even wrote self-insertion stories! > While it is true that some Wedge Rats are > homosexual, and others have no particular preference, CROW: They'll take what they can get, and like it! MIKE: Bad. > this > infuriated all of the Wedge Rats, as the group is close-knit > and tends to be tolerant toward alternative lifestyles. > (Isn't this marvellously politically correct?) MIKE: Well, sure! What with Kei and Yuri, lookism survivors... TOM: Not to mention Ben, cosmetically different... CROW: And let's not forget Zoner, purchaser of size-friendly garments! > (Entropy, the villains' chief hacker, is a Wedge Rat, in > all honesty; he is included because of his absolute mastery > of UNIX, TOM: They couldn't admit a non-Wedge Rat could outhack them, after all! > and is absolved of all guilt in the end.) MIKE: All he had to do was watch his back around Ben for the next couple of decades, that's all. > > Ok, well, that about does it for "What the hell is going > on?" CROW: So *you* think. > --let's move on to Question 2. > > 2) Why do some people have more than one name? > This is due to a convention among a group related to the > Wedge Rats, a group of which I am a member--the gweeps. TOM: Covering all the bases, I see... > (The word gweep comes from the noise that a VT100 makes > when you hit backspace at the beginning of the buffer--a > throwback to the days when the campus terminal of choice was > the VT100. Using the computer a lot became known as > gweeping, CROW: And here I thought the Wedge Rats never went back on anything. TOM: Ben types too fast--and others may find his flaw less useful. > so gweep is both a noun personal and a verb.) > The gweeps tend to refer to each other by username, and > to others who, although not officially gweeps, use the net a > lot. CROW: They don't refer to people who don't use the net, of course. > To avoid confusion I'll include a list of usernames: TOM: That really helps now. MIKE: Some people probably could start with the glossary. > > gryphon is one of the coauthors, Benjamin D. Hutchins. > megazone another of the coauthors, Brian Bikowicz. > The remaining other coauthor, Rob Mandeville, is never > referred to by his username, remande; instead, most people > call him ReRob. CROW: No wonder--he failed to make his username cool! MIKE: He didn't start as a Wedge Rat, you may remember. > deadshot is Kei. > hazard is Yuri. TOM: They only mentioned those addresses once. MIKE: Well, it's two more addresses that might get comments of any sort. > android is Andrew Petrarca. His account no longer > exists as he is no longer a student, but the nickname lives > on. > confused is Rob Crocker. TOM: Channelling Yoda for a second, hmm? > macquivr's real name is John Todd, but most people call > him Q. His username arose from his poor penmanship--when > filling out his account application, he was trying to write > "macgyver". He is called alternatively Macquivr, Quiv, or Q. CROW: Aah, he came off better anyway. Q's much cooler than MacGyver. TOM: You take that back! > pfloyd is Adam Johnson. Gee, I wonder what band he > likes? > > RLAMF: An acronym meaning Run Like A Mother Fucker. Rob > Crocker has a number of 1/2-level magic spells, including Dig > (material component: shovel, casting time: dependent on size > of desired hole and fervor of caster), CROW: [announcer voice] Dig your own grave and save! > Knock (a hand > grenade), Fireball (also a hand grenade), TOM: I'm sensing a theme here. > and RLAMF, whose > verbal component is "Feet don't fail me now!" > > HDS31000: A HoloDECstation 31000, which is what you get when > you combine the holodeck from ST:TNG with a DECstation 3100, CROW: You call that a holodeck? Where was the technobabble? Where were the malfunctions as a plot device? > the DEC of choice on campus because 5000s are too expensive > and the 3100s were donated for free. TOM: So it's not really *their* choice then, is it... > > itsnotmygoddamnplanetunderstandmonkeyboy: All the DECstations > on the WPI campus, except those in the math lab and other > labs run by professors, were named by aej, or Allan E. > Johannesen, the WPI system's super-user. aej is a big > Buckaroo Banzai fan, CROW: This "aej" guy could have been an honorary Wedge Rat! TOM: Too bad he didn't survive the apocalypse. > and all the stations he named bear names > referent to that movie, including the WPI master fileserver, > a DS5000 named "rugsucker". (It's in there, rent the tape MIKE: What? We aren't expected to know it by heart? TOM: Even Kei and Yuri had to be initiated into that select cult. I think they'll let us off the hook. > and look for it.) The name of the HDS31000 is taken from a > scene near the end, in which General Catburd is screaming at > John Bigboote about the mess Yoyodyne has made and asking if > he has no pride in his planet; Bigboote responds by hoisting > Catburd into the air by the necktie and shouting, "It's not > my goddamn planet! Understand, monkey boy?!" CROW: Take note. It wasn't quite *your* planet in the end, after all... MIKE: Don't remind me, please. > > VR-052 Battler Cyclone: Oh, come on, you read rec.arts.anime > and you don't know what one of these is? How can anyone grow > up in this country and not see Robotech? MIKE: You could grow up in a decade other than the '80s. TOM: There's that demographic targeting at work again. > (I grew up in > Millinocket, Maine, for God's sake, CROW: You're never going to live that down, huh? > and I saw Robotech. > --gryph) > > Bahamode: Ok, this one's a bit more obscure. The Bahamode is > the transforming motorcycle from MegaZone23; it's red, keen- > looking, and obnoxiously huge (its motorcycle mode is bigger > than my car). TOM: No wonder Zoner picked it. He definitely couldn't step down from his flying car. > Unlike the Cyclone, which the rider wears and > requires special armor beneath, the Bahamode has a full > cockpit and can be piloted in the nude, if you're in a > particularly silly mood or it's wash day. CROW: Just be careful not to use cycle mode--unless you *really* want to humiliate the cops! > > CADS: Close Assault Defense System. Vibrating monomolecular > swords which take the place of missile launchers on the > forearms of VR-041 Sabre Cyclones. TOM: [announcer voice] For when you need that extra touch of style... > > GRF-3N Griffin III Armored Combat Suit: This is the thing I > got my username from. Basically, I had a character in a > Marvel Super Heroes campaign who wore a suit of armor based > on the Griffin BattleMech from FASA's Battletech game. He > was called, surprise, the Griffin, MIKE: The guy who ran the company all of their really cool stuff came from? TOM: They had to get it from somewhere, didn't they? > and had a long and > glorious history both as a PC and a story character after the > campaign folded. TOM: He started as a mere superhero--and ended as an industrial magnate! CROW: Like everything else, self-insertion improves with practice. > When I arrived at WPI, I found that > "griffin" was taken as a username, so I varied the spelling. MIKE: I wonder if "griffin" ever met "gryphon." CROW: That much coolness in the room? The world would implode! > Folks tell me it's much cooler the way it is anyway. :-) The > GRF-3N can lift (press) around 90 tons and is impervious to > most weapons; TOM: Suddenly, I have an idea of why the campaign folded. > its particle cannon is a severe kick-butt > weapon. However, my character in this particular tale has no > experience at all piloting it, so its full potential is > nowhere near plumbed... CROW: Humility and a warning for the future, all in one... > > Alden Hall: This is the performing arts building on campus. > It's located right next door to the most sought-after dorm on > campus, Sanford Riley Hall, TOM: But that isn't next to the Wedge, so who cares? > and is currently in the process > of being demolished and rebuilt CROW: Phew! For a moment, I was worried they were putting theory into practice. > with code wiring and > handicapped accessibility. In many of the LRPGs run on the > WPI campus, Alden Hall has been destroyed violently. Mostly > because it houses a very annoying belltower. TOM: Architectural criticism at work. > > The Atwater Kent dumpster: The dumpster located behind > Atwater Kent Laboratories is well-known on campus for > containing all sorts of stuff one could find a practical use > for; it is said that Entropy once constructed a VT100 from > junk parts found in same dumpster. (He also built a railgun > from a DECprinter once.) MIKE: No wonder he was a villian. With real-life skills like that--they had to put him in his place *somehow.* > > DAKA: DAKA Food Services, Inc., poisoning people across the > nation. Thought to be an acronym meaning Determined Attempt > to Kill Americans. You walk in, hand them your tray, they > crack a whip, and the food jumps on. MIKE: Never seen before--Dumb Food Tricks! > When you enter, they > slot your ID card, CROW: I bet that's where that "slot me" comeback came from. TOM: To be identified with DAKA--the ultimate insult! > which has a magstrip on it, and if you're > a registered DAKA Warrior, the little box they slot it into > goes "BOING!" and you are admitted. ("Ahh! I see you've > brought the machine that goes PING!") TOM: Oh, great--now we're doing their foreshadowing! > (I work for DAKA. CROW: Oh, for shame! > I'm > not on the meal plan. See the point? -zoner) MIKE: Blowing up Founders wasn't just self-insertion--it was his last, best hope to regain his self-respect. > > Overeager Civil students from Kaven Hall: It's interesting to > a lot of people that the Civil Engineering building on campus > is named--pronounce it--"Cave-in Hall"... TOM: Ah, more delightful WPI school spirit. > (People educated > in Cave-in Hall designed the Tacoma-Narrows Bridge--you > remember, the one in that made itself into a sine wave and > then exploded? The one used worldwide as a perfect example > of how NOT to build a suspension bridge?) CROW: Whoa--WPI's famous in the real world! > > boffa-combat: Fighting people with swords and daggers made of > C-PVC pipe, pipe-insulation foam, strapping tape, duct tape, > and black electrician's tape. The big rule is: lightest > touch counts. Everyone forgets that. MIKE: Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth. CROW: In the meantime, the self-insertions will make a pretty comfortable living. > > gweepery.Z: Once upon a time, Daniels Hall, the dorm/student > life admin building, contained VT100s in an area with plenty > of room. This area was known as the gweepery by the gweeps > of the day. A couple of years ago the gweepery was removed > in favor of more student mailboxes. TOM: After *that,* WPI's destruction was pretty much assured. > In its place, two VT220s > were installed out in the hallway between Daniels and the > Wedge, near the commuter student lockers in a very cramped > area. CROW: They could make up a list or something to schedule time... but it's just so much fun fighting for it! > Since a compressed file in UNIX has a .Z appellation > to its name, this area became known as gweepery.Z. > > Cheryl.Z: Cheryl Zukowsky, a gweep and probably the smallest > person on campus. It was a short logical jump from Cheryl Z > to Cheryl.Z. (see above) TOM: Aaw... A super-deformed Wedge Rat. MIKE: I thought you didn't want them to be anime characters. TOM: It's only a small point now. > > Vaughn Gross: A living contradiction. CROW: More so than others! > Physics major who > reads comic books, MIKE: Graphic novels? TOM: You know my style, Mike. > Wedge Rat football player, MIKE: Forty-three-man Squamish is more the Wedge's style. CROW: What? TOM: Exactly. > non-violent > football player--his name even means "small big". A very > cool guy whose username is paladin and whose MUD name is > reality--thus, reality lives on campus. CROW: Just keep telling yourself that. > Also, Vaughn is > suspected to be a multidimensional being capable of space- > time travel. Don't let Vaughn ignore anything, it may vanish. TOM: He must have been a *very* popular man during the prereading phase. > > SKWEEEEEKrrkkkweequeRUNK--wheeet!whio thud: The noise the > door from the stairwell of Morgan Hall, where I live, makes > when you open it and walk through into the Wedge. CROW: It's a good substitute for a studio audience. > > P-score, P-points, et al.: From the infamous college purity > test. Ask around. > CSLANtronix: A small lab hidden deep in the subbasment of > Fuller Labs. It's a small cinderblock room full of VT220s, > half of which work, and nobody's ever in there, MIKE: At least until this glossary was released. TOM: Maybe they still couldn't find it. > making it the > perfect place to gweep in peace. > > Kevin Tefft/Ktefft: You may be wondering why the Knight of > the STRAIGHT and Narrow Path reacted so violently and self- > destructively upon realizing he had tackled Kevin Tefft... CROW: I just blamed the plot contrivances. > or > why he had a flamethrower. TOM: I just blamed *everything* on the contrivances. > That's because Kevin Tefft is > arguably the WPI campus' most accomplished flamer, although > that notwithstanding he's still extremely cool. MIKE: Just so long as his flames sear the right targets. TOM: *That's* why they're being nice to him. > (For the > utterly clueless, HE'S GAY! Deal.) > > Card #1: Reid and Daver, two of the Wedge Rats, got silly & > developed the card # system a long time ago, before my time. TOM: Well, no wonder they were silly. > Card #1 reads "You can die now." You don't want to know any > of the others. (Of course there IS card #5. :-) -zoner) > (Zoner? Card #1. --gryph) CROW: Alas, he's not so obliging. > > The Thai Orchid: A place where you can get food spicy enough > to satisfy MegaZone, the guy who thinks Extra Hot taco sauce > is water. TOM: How about that--a real-life talent! > Danger, Will Robinson, danger! > > 4.2 from the Bulgarian judge: 42 interrupted by a period. > (This is a play on an old, disgusting blonde joke.) CROW: You ever hear it, Mike? MIKE: It's disgusting. That's enough. > > Meta Chi: The "fraternity" of the gweeps. Comes from the > command Meta-X in Emacs, the gweeps' by-and-large editor of > choice. Symbol: ^[X. TOM: Vaguely dazed guy with a nose job! > Gryphon is a member of Meta Chi. > > Rho Alpha Tau: The Wedge Rat "fraternity". Come on, figure > it out. MIKE: Easy, actually. TOM: For once. > Zoner and ReRob are P.A.T.'s. > > Gamma Delta Iota: Rho Alpha Tau's sister sorority. CROW: All three of them. > G.D.I. > means, of course, "Goddamn Independent." > > Higgins House: A really neat house on campus which is thought > by some to be the nexus of a couple of ley lines and a > general center of power. TOM: But alas, it shared WPI's fate! CROW: Wait for the inevitable sequel. > > Ten Minute Walk: macquivr once announced that he had found a > great arcade which was only "a ten minute walk" from campus. MIKE: Hey! The story they wouldn't go into! CROW: It's an epic of loyalty, anger, and self-insertion. > People volunteered to go with him immediately; after an hour > of walking they arrived. When brought to task for this, TOM: After all, they lost valuable gweeping time! > Q > admitted that it was an hour walk, but that if he had said it > was an hour, no one would've gone. Thus arose the Q > timescale: one Q minute equals six regular minutes. TOM: Still, that would be useful during exams. > > The Daytona From Hell: MegaZone's car, a fire red '89 Dodge > Daytona ES Turbo. A car with a death wish. Not the driver, > the car. CROW: Hey... It really wasn't Yuri's fault! That's one deep love triangle. > > The WedgeTerms: the two VT220s in the gweepery.Z. On Friday > and Saturday nights, the only two terminals on campus. TOM: And now, of course, we see why the Wedge Rats are antisocial. They have to cut down the crowds somehow. > > G.L.O.G.: Gorgeous Ladies of GweepCo (another name for Meta > Chi). These are the ladies who make gweeping worthwhile. CROW: Hot, sweaty, passionate gweeping! > Known to some, mostly those who don't have one of their own, TOM: Oh, come on. All you need is a magic computer! > as "disruptive influences" and dubbed "enemies of the state" > by Andrew "android" Petrarca. CROW: Well, we can pin down Android's social life. > > "We Will Win": A song by Lynn Minmei from Robotech. (If > you've never heard it, you're luckier by far than I. - > gryphon) MIKE: I thought he hadn't heard it. TOM: Well, there's been a lot of wish fulfilment already. Why not fulfil a *really* big wish? > > ORANGE on the bow of a TRON tank: Anyone who's seen > MegaZone23 Part 3 may recognize this one. MIKE: Sharp memory, Tom. CROW: Either that, or you looked ahead somehow! TOM: Just trust me. > For some reason, a > lot of people in MZ23 3 wear orange jackets with the word > "ORANGE" written on the back of them--just in case they > forget, I suppose. (Most of them are also members of the > International Federation of People Who Wear Sunglasses > Indoors and/or At Night.) TOM: A subset of the Organisation of the Incredibly Obvious. > > Don Ross: The guy who wrote most of the LRPGs where Alden > Hall got vaped. One of the, if not the, best LRPG creators > around. CROW: And why shouldn't a national treasure like that survive the nuclear apocalypse? > > Mike: One of Gryphon's friends. TOM: Oh, Mike, Mike, Mike... MIKE: I'm telling you, it wasn't me! > He lets himself in, he has > no role in this story other than the one cameo. CROW: It certainly *sounds* like you. MIKE: It wasn't me... > > WPI President Jon C. Strauss: A man who the Wedge would > dearly like to see dead... TOM: The reason why is left as one last exercise for the readers. CROW: [getting up] But we are out of here--and that's good enough for me! [Mike picks up Tom, and follows Crow out of the theatre.] [...1...2...3...4...5...6...] [SOL bridge. The lights are turned down, but it is possible to see that a screen has been set up to stage right.] MAGIC VOICE: The Satellite of Love Players present the rest of Undocumented Features--the ultra-condensed version. [Enter Gypsy and Crow from stage left as the lights are turned up. Gypsy has a red brush-cut wig on her head, while Crow wears plastic- framed glasses and continues to imitate Ben's voice.] CROW: Well, Kei, it's been a long, angst-filled voyage, but we've finally arrived at Utopia Planitia. [Enter Tom from stage right. He wears a black cloak and a plastic sword slung at his side, and speaks in his mightiest voice.] TOM: Greetings, Wedge Rats! I am Lord Wolfgang Fahrvergnugen-- CROW: We'll call you Wolfgang. TOM: Wolfgang it is! I created you to be really amazing people. Now I'm giving you a copy of the SDF-1 Macross where everything works and cooler mecha than you already have. Go forth and confront evil! CROW: Will do! [Mike dashes in from stage left, wearing his University of Wisconsin at Stout T-shirt. Tom hovers away to stage right.] MIKE: You guys are living my fantasy! Can I join you? CROW: Sure! GYPSY: Don't forget to select your own special powers, gadgets, SF references, and anime significant other! [All leave to stage left.] MAGIC VOICE: Several huge battles later... [Gypsy, Crow, and Mike enter again.] GYPSY: Oh no! Zoner's hurt! [Tom enters, still in his Wolfgang costume.] TOM: Fear not, Wedge Rats! Zoner can be saved by making him immortal. However, I must warn you of the awesome ramifications of this-- CROW: Sure, make him immortal. Make us *all* immortal! TOM: Can do! MIKE: All right! Now we can spend eternity appreciating the pop culture of our formative years! [All leave to stage right.] MAGIC VOICE: Three hundred years later... [Tom enters from stage right. He now wears a white tunic-like jacket, and imitates Largo's voice again.] TOM: Hah! I, Largo, shall destroy the Wedge Rats and their Wedge Defence Force with this evil clone of Gryphon! [A light switches on behind the screen, silhouetting Crow. His net has been turned down and back to let him wear a captain's-style cap, and he carries a machine gun in his hands.] CROW: Aargh! Die, innocent school children! [Gypsy enters from stage left just as Crow fires the machine gun. The light goes out behind the screen.] GYPSY: Noo! [Crow enters from stage right. He has discarded the machine gun, but still wears the captain's cap. His glasses are now wire-framed aviator glasses.] CROW: Hi, Kei. What's up? GYPSY: You! After three hundred years of a fulfilling relationship, I suddenly know you were playing us all for fools! I'm going to kill you, even if it means turning myself into a humourless hunting machine! CROW: Wait--what did I do? GYPSY: DIE! [She charges at Crow.] CROW: [As he runs off-screen] No--what did I *do?* [Mike enters from stage left. He now wears his jumpsuit, unzipped far enough to show his university T-shirt. Gypsy chases Crow back across the screen from stage right, both screaming.] MIKE: Huh? [Tom enters from stage right, still in his Largo tunic.] TOM: Ha-ha-ha! Die, Wedge Rats, die! [Cambot shakes, and the lights go out as Mike collapses screaming.] [Crow enters from stage right as the lights are turned up. He has replaced his captain's cap with a black slouch hat.] CROW: It's been a long, hard century of exile. True, I've become everything from a Knight Sabre to an ESWAT officer to a Starfleet captain, and yes, I've established half a dozen enduring, meaningful relationships with female anime characters. Even so, I keep thinking of Kei, and just what happened to make her so mad. [A spotlight switches on, casting a shadow of Crow on the screen.] CROW: Of course! An evil clone! Why didn't I think of that before? [Gypsy enters from stage left.] GYPSY: Now I've got you! CROW: No, Kei--look! It was an evil clone! GYPSY: Oh no! I was such a fool! Please forgive me, Gryphon! CROW: I accept your apology, Kei. Let's put the Wedge Defence Force together again and take on Largo! GYPSY: Good idea! [Tom enters from stage right.] TOM: You won't defeat me, Wedge Rats! CROW: Sure we will! [He charges Tom, and a brief scuffle ensues which results in Tom being knocked off the desk. He falls screaming to the floor.] GYPSY: We've done it! We've won! CROW: Yes, Kei, we've won. But it's only the beginning. We still have to get married, after all. And there are more anime characters to romance, more properties to write in, and children to raise who'll grow up to be just like us! GYPSY: I love you, Gryphon! CROW: [breaking character] I love you too, Gypsy. GYPSY: [breaking character as well] What--was--*that?* CROW: [suddenly nervous] Uh... Did I ever tell you that I appreciate you for your mind as well as your body? GYPSY: Appreciate *this,* buster! [She chases Crow across the screen again. Mike enters, his jumpsuit fully zipped up, and Tom hovers back into view as the mads' light flashes. Mike shrugs and hits the light.] [Widowmaker. Bobo is still rummaging in the back. Pearl has folded her hands on the steering wheel in a deceptively pleasant manner.] PEARL: Marvellous show, Nelson. I see your illusions have been shattered and your innocence has been lost. How else are you going to explain your deconstructive vignette? [SOL. Crow all but hides behind Mike. Tom serves as an additional buffer between Mike and Gypsy.] MIKE: Is that how you see it, Mrs. Forrester? You're unfortunately cynical. TOM: We're merely poking good-hearted fun at the foibles of a story that's big enough to take it. [Widowmaker] PEARL: Oh, that's what they all say. [SOL] MIKE: No, hear me out. In the end, despite the endless, meaningless, obscure cultural references... CROW: Despite the bizarre and incomprehensible injokes... TOM: Despite the contrived wish fulfilment... MIKE: Undocumented Features remains an expression of fundamental human dreams. CROW: We just don't want to *think* of what those dreams are. MIKE: But it is, in its own way, a classic. TOM: It didn't stop us from doing our thing... but the classics won't bring us down! [Widowmaker] PEARL: Inspirational, Nelson, truly inspirational. I'll remember to look for the merely inept next time. After all--we've got nowhere to go. [Bobo straightens up from behind the front seats.] BOBO: Repairs are complete, Lawgiver! Your command? PEARL: Really? I can't say... It sort of takes the fun out of it when we can move and the subjects can't. [SOL. Tom is over at the Nanoscope again.] TOM: Hey--we're ready to go! MIKE: [moving behind the wheel] Not too shabby! Let's get moving! [sympathetic] Sorry, Mrs. Forrester. [Everyone lurches backward slightly; the SOL is clearly in motion again.] CROW: Another time, perhaps! [fade to black] Are we there yet? MIKE: Don't start. Just please... don't start. -[Authors' Notes]----- My first MSTing! And hopefully not my last. But seriously, although this apology may be far too late, I intend absolutely no insult to the creators or fans of Undocumented Features. My impressions of the series are very mixed (that's what comes from reading MSTings of bad self- insertion fanfics for a year before bothering to read it), but I am impressed by its sheer scope, and I understand how people can like it. The original Undocumented Features can be found at . Also of note there is Benjamin D. Hutchins's story of the origin of Eyrie Productions, at . Interestingly enough, this first story was written as a very large injoke to practice for a real Dirty Pair fanfic, and then extended after receiving many positive comments. I would like to thank Captain Bungie for first thinking that Undocumented Features could be MSTed, and then transferring his dibs to me. I'd also like to thank my prereaders, for offering suggestions for improvement and encouragement. Finally, special thanks to Benjamin D. Hutchins, who very graciously allowed me to put the story that made his reputation through the wringer. The explanation as to why Mike wasn't around for "Justice and Mercy" can be found in the MSTing of the same name by Mark Sachs. In my mind, it remains one of the funniest semi-standard MSTings written. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Undocumented Features is copyright (c) 1991 by Benjamin D. Hutchins, Brian Bikowicz, and Rob Mandeville. The properties referenced within Undocumented Features are copyright their original owners. Anything remotely original within this MSTing was written by Keith Palmer , and finished May 2000. > Could it be that this incredibly beautiful girl from the inside of a > hard disk found him--short, squat him--attractive somehow? The very > thought was inconceivable.