MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Part 9 of 9 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, Chan-wu Yi, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random, Typewriter Monkey and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey Missing a part? Still don't know what's going on? Read the entire "Legolas" saga at: http://www.geocities.com/rivercityrandom ***** Legolas Greenleaf stood in what was once a major street of some major North American city. Carnage reigned as far as his keen elven eyes could see. The sky was brilliant red from dust, explosions and laser fire. Putties from Power Rangers, Gamorrean Guards from Star Wars, and Ninja Turtle Foot Soldiers were roaming the streets, disemboweling innocent civilians with their ubiquitous pointed extension-of-their-manhood weapons. Across the street in an alleyway, Officer Sipowicz of NYPD Blue fame was locked in a deadly struggle with a huge mutated spider from Parasite Eve. Down the block, the Sopranos and the Corleones were engaged in a huge firefight for control of the lucrative Tek market, until Elliot Ness and his Untouchables drove by in Flash Gordon's spaceship and vaporized them instantly with their Omega-13. And Legolas was continually having to dodge huge chunks of building coming from the roof of the skyscraper he was standing by; the Transformers and the Gargoyles were having another little tiff again. Just as he was about to (rather loudly) curse fate or ratings or evil internet teenaged MSTing authors or whatever had caused all of this insanity, the pavement burst in front of him. Legolas jumped back, startled, as the crocodile from Lake Placid rose, its jaws locked firmly around the midriff of the alligator from Resident Evil 2. The alligator managed to escape the powerful croc's grasp, however, and the two began a very destructive slug fest, ending quite abruptly as they were both unceremoniously slain by Crocodile Hunter Dundee. So rather than cursing humans for creating the violent fictions that spawned these literary monsters, Legolas decided to bite his tongue. He was from an inherently-violent fantasy war epic himself. Legolas dusted himself off and checked his watch, which he had found at the bottom of a cereal box. "Hmm, it's 13:00," he remarked. "That means 'Labyrinth' should be warping into our dimension soon. I'll have to go get some hair-care tips from David Bowie." "Hey, Legolas," a familiar voice came from behind. Legolas turned around. "Hello, Crystal. How was your time at the Legion of Mary Sues?" "Oh, terrible, just terrible!" Crystal raised her hands in exasperation. "They wouldn't listen to a thing I said! Then they all laughed and made fun of me and called me a stupid amateur Mary Sue with no ambition and that my telepathic powers were dumb and that I never did anything with them and that all my friends were losers and that instead of hanging out with other teenage geeks I should be spending time making starship captains fall in love with me and that my TV-summoned creation was stupid and then Adriana Starfire pulled out her Legolas she summoned from a Hildebrant painting who could juggle and code in Java and then Marrissa Picard kept asking me what my Kobayashi Maru time was and and and..." Crystal crumpled into Legolas' chest and started sobbing. "But enough of that," the elf stated coolly. "So are they going to help us fight off these fictional characters or not?" "They're spending all their time chasing after boy band boys and Simon from 'Firefly'," Crystal choked through their tears. "Like totally, all they think about is *themselves*!" "Funny how that sounds familiar," Legolas muttered under his breath. "Oh, I just don't *care* anymore," Crystal screamed. "Let's just go home!" "We can't." Legolas stated matter-of-factly. "You turned your house into a spaceship, remember, so you could harass those guys on that satellite who were reading your fanfic? And then you said, 'Hey, while we're up here, let's do a Picard Maneuver!' By Durin's beard, woman, what are your parents going to say when they come back from fighting the Dominion War to find their house has turned into a meteor shower over Southern Australia?" "Hey!" Crystal stepped back. "I managed to save the 1985 Nissan King Cab by turning it into an escape pod, didn't I?" A recognizable disco theme began playing on a stereo nearby, as a dark storm cloud began rolling in. THUD! Suddenly, a humanoid figure, rolled into a fetal position, fell to earth. DRIP! Another being fell onto the pavement. PLOP! More landed nearby, and the ones that had landed before soon begin to stand up, revealing themselves to be extremely cute guys, tall, dark, blond, and lean. And they were all completely naked. Crystal and Legolas looked up, slack-jawed in surprise. "It's raining... men," Legolas remarked, dumbfounded. "Whoa... hallelujah, I guess," Crystal replied. Suddenly squeals of delight emanated from the building Crystal had just left. High-pitched screams rang out, "It's raining *MEN!*" "Where, where?" another scream replied. The yells continued: "Kawaiiiiiii!" "Oooooh, they're so cute! I'm going to go out and let myself get absolutely soaking wet!" "Gotta catch 'em all!" "I wonder if any of them need any hurt/comfort..." Then suddenly a rush of teenage girls, catgirls, cyborg girls, chipmunk girls, elf girls, goth girls, and girls in the uniforms of various future space agencies came swarming out of the skyscraper. The raining men, expecting disco singers and not a total onslaught of female fandominity, started fleeing almost as fast as they had arrived. The Mary Sues took chase, sprouting wings from their back, beaming up to their starships, hopping into their convertibles, summoning dragons, changing into their superhero costumes or just plain running to catch them. Then, as quickly as they had fallen, the men were instantly crushed under the foot of a rampaging hundred-meter-tall Japanese lizard. Five seconds later that lizard tasted just like chicken. The other monsters in the vicinity were likewise turned from regular to extra crispy as the Mary Sues responded in rage. "Well, that was kind of sexist, but it worked," Legolas commented. "But what are we going to do to persuade those male Mary Sues... the Marty Stus?" "I don't know," Crystal said. "Do you know any songs called 'It's Raining Mecha'"? Meanwhile, for the boys aboard the Satellite of Love, a new chapter of terror was about to begin..... [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > 25. Code names, Katherine, and a cannon ball MIKE: Those code names are kinda lame, don't you think? CROW: Ooh! I want a code name too! Can I be "Bot of Gold"? TOM: Yeah, and I want to be "The Crimson Avenger"! MIKE: Okay...I guess I should think of a code name too.... CROW: We've already got one for you, "Cheeseboy." > > WeasleyTwinsLover1112: You're right, Legolas isn't a sophisticated > as he is in the movie, CROW: Wow! I hadn't noticed that! Did you guys? TOM: Boy, WeasleyTwinsLover1112 doesn't miss a step, eh? MIKE: For her careful and discerning eye, WeasleyTwinsLover1112 gets a chocolate bar. > maybe coming to Earth has changed his > personality slightly. CROW: Translation: I have absolutely no idea whatsoever how to write the character who's theoretically the title role, but I'll just deus ex machina my way out of it because I love to write about ME. MIKE: Bitter much? > Mind you I think that if you were watching > your friend being beaten up then you would do whatever possible to > stop it. TOM: [Crystal] ...So as you *clearly see*, it was *perfectly in character* for Legolas to break Lori's spine in a dozen places! ...Right, officer? > Lori will be out of the story soon, TOM: *sigh* There goes our favorite character... > at least for now but > in this chapter we find out about a new person that will make > things very interesting. MIKE: I hope by "very" she means "finally." > Disclaimer: Look in another chapter. MIKE: In another story, on another website... TOM: On second thought, don't bother. They're all equally bad. > I open a classroom door and pushed Legolas inside. TOM: [Lori] Hah! Violence! You're disqualified too! CROW: [Crystal w/shotgun] *Blam!* Told you I'd get rid of her soon! > "Here take the > keys, MIKE: [Ryan] We're free! Hurry! Run before she picks the lock with her way kewl psychic skeelz! > I'm going to lock us inside, I need to talk to Legolas alone, MIKE: Time for an afterschool special he won't soon forget! > if things look like they are getting out of hand, CROW: [Crystal] Limbs ripped *clean* off, blood *completely* obscuring the little window... > then come in and > stop me MIKE: [Crystal] If you've got the *guts!* > but other than that leave us alone." MIKE: She's going to yell at one of the bravest, most powerful warriors in Mirkwood and she's afraid people might have to stop *her*? TOM: [Crystal] Seriously! I could really hurt him... WILL YOU STOP LAUGHING! > I said handing Ryan the key chain. MIKE: [Ryan] You know, if you wanted to boink Legolas this badly, all you had to do was mention it. We would've cleared out for you... CROW: [Crystal, innocently] "Boink?" What means this "boink?" > "Done, but you should really deal with the fact that you're hurt > first, you have two black eyes forming and a cut lip." Ryan said, > his voice filled with concern. TOM: It's concern I tell you! Honest! That isn't a grin of pleasure at seeing your face turned to hamburger! > "I promise you as soon as I'm done with Legolas I will go get > looked after." I said. TOM: [Crystal] Screw my well-being! There's scolding to be done! CROW: [Crystal] And by the time I'm done with Legolas, he'll need to be "looked after" too, ifyaknowwhatImean.... > "Hey, go easy on Legolas CROW: Must resist pervert instinct! > remember TOM: [John] ...he didn't do anything wrong... > he was only trying to protect > you." John whispered. MIKE: [John] And you also might want to remember that you're locking your self in a room with a demigod who could dismember you with mind blowing ease. Have fun! > "Alright. I'll try." TOM: [John, whispering] And remember what we discussed earlier? CROW: [Legolas, whispering] "When the cops ask, 'She slipped and fell down the stairs.'" TOM: [John] Good man! > I closed the door behind me and then turned to Legolas. "What did > you think you would accomplish by hurting Lori?" I asked. MIKE: "Plot?" Legolas mumbled weakly. > "I was saving you from harm." Legolas answered, clearly feeling > guilty. TOM: Yes, because protecting your friend is a horrible sin! MIKE: [Legolas] Man, I feel so *bad* about that tiny scrape on her lip...this is worse than the time I slaughtered dozens of orcs at the battle for Gondor! > "While that is very noble of you and I really am grateful violence > is not the answer." I said. TOM: ...Dear God, Crystal's become an Amiga text adventure parser! MIKE: She *does* realize that she's talking to someone who's probably killed more sentient beings than she's ever met, doesn't she? > We went on like this for a while until the movie was about to > start. TOM: Enough of this taut yet far-ranging debate. It's *movie* time! > "Well they've been in there for a half an hour, do you think > we should go and save Legolas?" David asked. CROW: [John] Hey, the poor boy may finally be getting lucky. Let's leave them be, huh? > "Well I don't hear yelling so MIKE: [Carolyn] ...they must be having problems with the nipple clamps... > it can't be that bad, but I would > agree, CROW: [Carolyn] ...even Pauly Shore is less revolting than Tom Green... > we should get Legolas out of there before Crystal gets > worked up." Carolyn answered. TOM: [Carolyn] But go get the shovels and quicklime, just in case. CROW: The irony is just bouncing off them like bullets off Superman's chest! > Ryan unlocked the door and I came out followed by Legolas. CROW: Barely on his feet, but hey, under his own power! MIKE: [Crystal] Well things clearly were *not* getting out of hand, therefore you disobeyed my instructions, ten lashes! > "Well was your time productive?" Ryan asked. TOM: [Crystal] Sure was! I worked out the theory of quantum gravity, and Legolas here discovered a cure for AIDS! > > > > "Fairly, Legolas now knows that we need to love our neighbors as > ourselves right?" Legolas nodded. MIKE: [Legolas, mumbling] Yeah, that hogwash'll get you dead in no time flat-- I mean, yes, mistress Crystal!!! CROW: [Crystal] I didn't say speak! *Wack!* > "Brian came down wanting to see Legolas, it seems Lori went and > told him that Legolas punched her and now Brian thinks Legolas is > to blame." Joe said. TOM: [Joe] So I told him a half-dozen witnesses say otherwise, so it's cool. CROW: And of course, Brian probably never asked *why* Legolas would punch her... > "Take us to him." I instructed. MIKE: Take me to your leader. I come in peace. > "You should get cleaned up before we go." Ryan worried. > > > > "No, if I'm going to prove that Legolas was doing this in defense > of me then I have to show him I've been hurt." I reasoned. CROW: [Crystal] Otherwise, boo hoo! Nobody'll know how I feel! Waaaahhh!! TOM: I never knew black eyes washed off. MIKE: Wouldn't the words of the *nine* of you and only *one* Lori be enough? > > > > "Brian, I need to talk to you." I said after finding him. CROW: [Crystal] Just like I "talked" to Legolas.... Guwaa-haa-haaaa!!! > > > > "Crystal, what happened?" Brian asked. "You look worse than Lori." TOM: [Brian] You look like you let yourself get punched repeatedly in the face! MIKE: [Crystal] But this is how I always look! > "Exactly, I have nine eyewitnesses that say it was Lori who threw > the first, second and was about to throw the third punch when > Legolas stepped in." I said. MIKE: Tactfully leaving out the part where she stood there and took it... > "Lori and I have been enemies forever TOM: [Crystal] She TASKS me! MIKE: You're never too young for a vendetta! > and I somehow let it slip that if we used violence then we would be > thrown off the DIG team CROW: They need to *have* a rule like that? Lotta violence north of the border. TOM: "Somehow" being secret code for "I yelled it out like a jackass," apparently. > so she punched me hoping to provoke me to > punch her back, she knows that the DIG team is everything to me TOM: [Legolas] Er... hello? Hunky elf-- CROW: [Crystal] *Silence!* > so if I was out of it then I would be miserable CROW: I don't know. Being "out of it" doesn't seem to have affected her in the past... TOM: [Crystal, bawling] Don't you see?! My entire existence is based on digging holes for our hateful, intolerant church! > but I didn't > retaliate, so she punched me again, and she would have a third time > but Legolas caught her fist and pushed her back, she fell flat on > her face, MIKE: Which is impressive after being pushed backwards, but hey. > I offered her help but she wouldn't take it." MIKE: [Crystal] *Gasp* *Cough* *Choke* Air! Need Air! *Gasp!* TOM: That's what I love about Crystal. There's never any doubt about who the bad guys are. > "Is this true?" Brian asked everyone. ALL: [others] No! She's lying! TOM: [Ryan] She gave Lori the finger! > > > > "It is." Ryan said CROW: [Ryan] ...this man has no-- MIKE: [clears throat.] CROW: [Ryan] ...err...*brain*. > to the collective nods of the DIG team. TOM: That is one well trained Teen Gang! > "Every word she says is truth." Legolas admitted. TOM: [Legolas] For Crystal is perfect. She cannot err. MIKE: [Legolas] Crystal is god, her name be praised. > "I made a > mistake, CROW: [Legolas] ...should've let Lori wale on that bitch! > seeing Crystal being hurt MIKE: [Legolas] ...made me *so* happy, I thought I'd burst! > clouded my vision, MIKE: [Legolas] I was tempted by the Dark Si-- CROW: Wrong franchise, Greenleaf! MIKE: [Legolas] Er, I got mad. > I never meant > to hurt Lori but it just happened that way." CROW: [Legolas] One thing led to another and...it just *happened*, okay?! TOM: [Legolas] Besides, if I really, really wanted to hurt her, she'd be really REALLY dead right now. > "Well Legolas, seeing that you did this only for the protection of > one of our own CROW: "The Good Samaritan?" What does *he* have to do with anything? > and seeing as you didn't mean to hurt Lori TOM: [Brian] ...your unnecessary violence was oh-TAY! > I will > let you off the hook, Lori on the other hand is a different story, CROW: [Brian] Called "Legolas: Useless Lust And the Lucky Bitches Who Waste What They Have", which should be making its fanfiction.net debut any day now! MIKE: Please NO. > punching you to provoke you and then again when you refused to > retaliate is CROW: [Brian] ...really pretty funny! I bet it was fun, too...Say, *I* can throw a pretty good punch.... MIKE: [Crystal] *gulp* > a horrible thing to do. She will be punished." MIKE: [Brian] She will be PYOO-neeshed! Mwa-oh, Crystal would you do the honors? TOM: [Crystal] MWAHAHAHAHA! > Brian said turning away from us and going to find the girl in question. MIKE: I thought it was all settled! > "Come on, we are getting you some ice before the movie." Ryan said > ushering me towards the kitchen. MIKE: [Crystal] Good because my drink was getting pretty... CROW: [Ryan] For your FACE, Brain Child! MIKE: [Crystal] Oh... Right. CROW: [Ryan] Now just walk into the freezer... *Wham* Hah! Sucker! > We sat down on the cold gym floor to watch the movie on the > overhead screen. "Legolas, what you're about to see is the > retelling of the story of the ring, I'm going to take you out near > the end because there are things you haven't experienced yet in > there." I said. TOM: [Legolas] Like hell you will! Do you realize how much good I can do if I go back knowing what's to come?!? Why I could... MIKE: [Crystal, waving hand] You do not wish to know what happens next. TOM: [Legolas] I do not wish to know what happens next. > > > "Ok." CROW: "Okay." He *completely* shrugs off the question of art imitating distant life, to say *nothing* of the mutability of adaptations, just to let *Crystal* tell him she's wheeling him around like a side of *meat*-- MIKE: Okay, okay! CROW: [suddenly cheerful] That's more like it! > > > > Near the end of the movie I brought Legolas out of the gym and went > downstairs with him. CROW: [Crystal] Partly to keep him from seeing what happens, but mostly because he kept yelling "That's not how that went!!!" > "This is air hockey, you use this... thing... TOM: Technical term... > to hit the little black puck into the other person's goal slot." MIKE: That sounds faintly dirty. TOM: [Crystal] It's a very Freudian game. > I said. "Like this." I hit the puck and it bounced off of the wall. > "Except in." I laughed at my feeble attempt to play. TOM: Wow, Crystal was bad at something. And the Canadian national sport, even. Oho, this is not good, not good at all, Crystal. CROW: Well, see, Crystal bought a "cannot do popular sports well" flaw to balance out all of her merits. TOM: ...That actually makes a twisted sort of sense. > "Crystal, I heard you call Ryan Bro does that mean brother TOM: [Crystal] No, it stands for Bogus Religion Organizer. We're Scientologists. > and if > so why do you call him that? MIKE: [Crystal] It's a PG-13 fic. > You're not related are you?" Legolas > asked. CROW: [Crystal] In a sense, though Ryan's actually more closely related to the ourang-outang. TOM: Will her answer be relevant, interesting, both, or neither? You make the call. > "No Legolas, we are not related as far back as I know CROW: [Crystal] --Hey, my family *does* get around! > but yes, bro > means brother, the reason I call Ryan that is because since we > became friends, back when I was thirteen and he was fourteen, CROW: [Legolas] So, last week? TOM: [Crystal] Shut up... > we felt very safe around each other as if we were siblings, one day he > just started calling me sister, then sis and then sissy, which I > hate, and so I called him brother or bro and I still do." I > explained. MIKE: [Legolas] I'm sorry I asked. TOM: I should've included a fifth option: "What the hell is she yammering about?" CROW: So we've just tossed a Luke-and-Leia-esque layer of creepy into the mix, then? > > "Why do you hate the name sissy?" Legolas asked. MIKE: [Crystal, mock sweet] Well, you see, Legolas, in our world there's a proverb that says "sometimes the truth hurts". Bet you don't have that saying in Middle Earth, just like you don't have pineapples in Middle Earth... > "Well, when I was little I got picked on a lot and the people who > wanted to pick on me would call me Chrissie, TOM: [gasp] Those big meanies! > sissy sound far too > similar to be tolerable by me." I answered. CROW: [Crystal] And thus was born the epic tale "Legolas, Back to the Future"! MIKE: [Legolas] Wow, your ego is even more fragile than I thought. No wonder you're writing yourself as a power-mad, tyrannical nutcase. > "Do you have names for any other member of the DIG team?" Legolas > asked. TOM: [Crystal] You mean besides, "My minions?" > I gave a short laugh. "I have special name for lots of the DIG > team, MIKE: [Crystal] Like Poopie, Svendolsson, and Rikkimikkigo-hikki! > we made up code names for everyone and we use them to > communicate on walkie-talkies TOM: [on radio] This is Charlie One Seven Two! I got unbelievers coming down on my position, and I'm out of Chick tracts! MIKE: [on radio] I'm on it, Charlie One Seven Two! I got two youth leaders and a Jesus-freak teen-age gurl on the way. We'll make those bastards love Jesus! > which you will find out about > tonight, I call John 'cookiedough' and he calls me MIKE: Rikki-tikki-tembo-no-sa-rembo-chari-bari-nari... Umm... Joe-Centauri. BOTS: (snicker) MIKE: Hey, it was a long time ago. Give me a break, guys! > the same. I call > Joe TOM: [Crystal] ...a pathetic lump of flesh unworthy even to kiss the toe of my boot as I grind it into his face! > 'sorry did you say something?' and he calls me CROW: [Crystal] ...God. > 'fine ignore > me.'" BOTS: Ok, can do! MIKE: Y'know, something tells me there's an Abbott and Costello joke in there someplace. > "Why do you call each other that?" Legolas asked of the peculiar > names. TOM: [Crystal] We're self-absorbed teenaged windbags with no lives? CROW: Dude, just let it drop! You'll keep more brain cells that way! > "Well for some reason I ignore Joe a lot MIKE: [Crystal] Every reason I can put a name on would mean ignoring everyone *else* I know... > and so he always ends up > saying 'fine ignore me' and I end up answering 'sorry did you say > something' TOM: [Crystal] Erm...yes? What? Is one of the little people trying to get My attention? > it's very weird. Those are all the special names I have > for people. Then there are the names that everybody uses, Ryan's is > 'dancing queen.'" CROW: [Ryan, campy] I'm the dancing queen, he-LLO! > Legolas opened his mouth to say something but I > intervened. TOM: With a fat legal document! > "Don't ask why, it's a long difficult story, actually > don't ask me about any of the nicknames, MIKE: [Crystal] Just...don't ask me anything, ever! > if you're really curious > ask who they belong to. CROW: [Crystal] You've been tempered under long study, but at last it's time for you to pester *other* people. > Then Joe is 'male nurse' John is TOM: [Crystal] ...'the Baptist'... > 'disco > loco', Carolyn is 'little sister', David is 'Canuck fan', MIKE: [Crystal] ...Lady is 'a Tramp'... TOM: *sings* 'cause the Lady is a Vamp, she's a vixen not a-- MIKE: *hand clamped over Tom's mouth* Tom, don't take this the wrong way, but if you *ever* sing Spice Girls again I will mince you and serve you with toast. TOM: *whimpers* > Tall David is ALL: SHTOO-PUD! > 'Quiet' and I am 'panther.'" ALL: o/~ G.I. Jooooooe! o/~ CROW: Yep, I think we all know who gave *herself* a nickname.... TOM: [Crystal] I used to be nicknamed "Jaguar", but then I upgraded to Mac OS X 10.3... > "May I ask you about your nickname?" Legolas asked. CROW: NO! DIE! *BAM!* > "Well, a panther is a big cat that lives in the jungles of South > America, it is black with brilliant green eyes, like mine, and it > is nocturnal, it only comes at night [CROW begins snickering.] MIKE: Oh, grow up. > and it lives in the trees." MIKE: Actually, the panther is not a separate species. It's simply a genetic variant that appears in several species of big cats, most commonly jaguars and leopards. The green eyes are artistic license, and panthers are no more or less nocturnal than whichever species they are. [The BOTS look at MIKE.] MIKE: What? I read. > I said. "I've always said that if I believed in reincarnation CROW: [southern] ...I'd burn in HELL with all the other NONBELIEVERS! > I would > have been a cat in my former life, I'm so like them. CROW: [Crystal] I tear up the furniture and shed on it, I sleep lots, I attack small animals and leave them on the doorstep... MIKE: [Crystal] I don't care about anyone but myself, and I'm as likely to claw your face off as look at you! > And I thought > panthers were cool so I chose that name." TOM: It's Anthromorphin Time! MIKE: And the fact that she just blatantly gave herself the coolest nickname just slips under her radar, doesn't it? CROW: [Crystal] What, you didn't think I'd *earn* a nickname by associating with *others*, did you? > "I see." TOM: [Legolas] You truly are in your own little world, aren't you? > "Sis, the movie's, over we're having service in 20 minutes." Ryan > called coming down the stairs. CROW: [Ryan] Your asses and your souls are required upstairs *now*! > > > > 20 minutes later we were sitting in the chairs that were set up in > front of the stage waiting for the worship team to finish warming > up. MIKE: [coach] Are you stoked?! BOTS: [worship team] Yeah! MIKE: [coach] You ready to bow before Jesus like we've never bowed before Jesus before?! BOTS: [worship team] Yeah! MIKE: [coach] Are you mean?! BOTS: [worship team] Yeah! MIKE: [coach] Are you lean?! BOTS: [worship team] Yeah! MIKE: [coach] WHAT ARE YOU?! ALL: WE'RE THE WORSHIP TEAM! MIKE: [coach] Now get out there, and give 'em Heaven! > "Who all is up there?" Legolas asked. MIKE: Legolas goes Southern, News at 10:00. > > > > "Well, Miko, she's one of the youth leaders, is playing the piano, > then on backup vocals are Stefan, Cara Kagel and Katie Ydenberg > (pronounced Idenburg), CROW: ...on guitar is Crow (pronounced Bite Me)... MIKE: Why do you have to tell someone how to pronounce a name you just said? > On lead vocals are Josh Choi and Michelle > Cook, another youth leader. MIKE: ...Billy Barty on kazoo... > Playing the bass guitar is Joe, CROW: [Legolas] What was his nickname again? "Really awful on guitar?" TOM: Which one was at the piano again? MIKE: Does it matter? > as you > know and then finally Jon Cook playing the drums, yes he's > Michelle's brother." I finished. TOM: [Legolas] Does she call him bro, too? MIKE: Round of applause for everybody on Earth Crystal knows! > Michelle stood up and got her guitar ready. MIKE: [imitates a tuning B string] > "Ok everybody stand up. > Let us sing unto the Lord a new song." She said. TOM: [Basso voice] Don't go to any trouble on my account! > We started with a song called 'come, now is the time to worship' CROW: Wait, I don't think she ever explained church or Jesus to Legolas. MIKE: Which brings up the question... what is a century plus elf doing in a youth group? TOM: Hey yeah! And does he get a senior citizens discount? > Then we went onto a song called 'Trading my sorrows.' TOM: That was fast. CROW: It was a *new* song. She didn't have time to write down its lyrics. > "Ooo, I love > this song." MIKE: And we know what *that* means... BOTS: [groaning] Here come the lyrics again... > The song started with a solo by Joe on the bass. MIKE: The catcalls were deafening and immediate, right until he hit the "hypersonic blowout" button on his amp and blasted everyone in the room with 50000-- TOM: [deep voice] 50000-- CROW: [even deeper voice] 50000 WATTS OF-- ALL: [even *deeper* voice] *POWWWWW-WAAAAAAH.* TOM: You know, it occurs to me to wonder what kind of religious song features a solo on bass guitar. > "That my Joe." I smiled. The music started and everyone was clapping. > "Ryan, are you messing up the beat on purpose or are you just > incapable of keeping time with the music?" I asked TOM: [Ryan] Well, are you singing off-key on purpose or can't you carry a tune in a burlap sack? CROW: [Crystal] Nah, I'm just an ass! > "I'm incapable of keeping time with the music." Ryan admitted. TOM: [Ryan] I'm a *sad* panda. > I took both of his hands in mine and clapped. "One, break, CROW: [Ryan] AHHH! > two, break, TOM: [Ryan] EYOW! > one... two. Do you think you have it?" I asked letting > Ryan's hands go. CROW: [Crystal] Yuck. That had better be hair grease. > A few seconds later he lost the beat again. > "You're impossible." MIKE: I thought he was Ryan. TOM: [Legolas] Is that his new nickname, then? Will I get a nickname? Why am I here if this religion came about thousands of years after I went to the Grey Havens? Why don't I have a personality? Why haven't I killed you yet? CROW: [Crystal] *waves hand* You should relax, you know. This is fun. TOM: [Legolas] I should relax, you know. This is fun! *claps* > > > > I'm trading my sorrows ALL: *GROAN!!!* MIKE: Enough with the cut-and-past lyrics, already! Have you no shame, woman? CROW: [Isis] "Shame?" What means this "shame?" > I'm trading my shame > > I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord CROW: [Lord] Stop groveling! If there's one thing I can't stand it's groveling! > > > > I'm trading my sickness CROW: Got a great deal on some SARS. MIKE: [snickering] Really? HMO's take trade-ins now? TOM: The barter system is alive and well in Vancouver, I see. > I'm trading my pain MIKE: o/~ Yahweh gives me low-low prices! o/~ CROW: She'll get a bulk discount there. > > I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord MIKE: And I'm sure he appreciates it. So you can stop now. > (When we say yes in the chorus we clap) > > (Ex. We say *clap* Lord, *clap* Lord, *clap clap clap*) MIKE: Well, when I say "This," the Bots say... BOTS: Sucks! MIKE: This! BOTS: Sucks! MIKE: This! BOTS: Sucks! > We say yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord MIKE: [holds telephone to ear] Yes, yes that's right Lord! Yep...mmm-hmmm...no, no that's alright Lord...no...okay then... > > yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord CROW: [ditto] Yes I did Lord...no, no Lord...no I didn't get the memo about yesterday's company picnic... > > yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord, amen TOM: [God] All right! All right, already! Just give me your sickness and shut up! > > > > I am pressed but not crushed CROW: o/~ I'm ironed, but not starched... o/~ > persecuted, but not abandoned CROW: o/~ Neither spindled nor mutilated... o/~ > > struck down, but not destroyed CROW: o/~ Shaken, but not stirred... o/~ > I am blessed beyond the curse, > > for His promise will endure MIKE: She'll finally be smote for posting S.I.? CROW: Well, S and I are the first two letters of "sin"! [ALL snicker] > > and His joy will be my strength MIKE: o/~ And his Palmolive will be my salvation o/~ > though the sorrow may last for the night TOM: By morning, our stats will be back up to full. > His joy comes with the morning. CROW: God, official maker of the morning after pill! MIKE: [sighing] So many letters, so many death threats... > > > > I'm trading my sorrows > > I'm trading my shame MIKE: o/~ The new model gets more ostracism per sin... o/~ CROW: o/~ I'm trading in my interest, cuz this song's pretty lame. o/~ > I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord TOM: [God] *Grunts* Darn heavenly chorus making all that racket! *Shuffles around* MIKE: [God] *Snore* People trying to sleep here! > > > > > I'm trading my sickness > > I'm trading my pain > > I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord TOM: [God] Yes, Crystal's pain brings Me joy! > > > > We say yes Lord, MIKE: You certainly do. > yes Lord, yes, yes Lord CROW: [Crystal] Oh, *yes*, Lord! YES! TOM: Crow! That's sick! MIKE: You're going to go to the *special* hell. > > yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord CROW: Okay, okay, he *gets* it! > > yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord, amen TOM: Crystal? I've got just two words for you...Friedrich Nietzsche! > > > > We say yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord CROW: No, no not really Lord. No, no Lord, I'm afraid I didn't get the cheese log Aunt Molly sent last week. > > yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord TOM: The Lord must be really insecure to need such constant reassurance. > > yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes Lord, amen CROW: [sighs] So, to recap "yes lord"! > > > > I am pressed but not crushed TOM: o/~ In the vineyard of boredom! o/~ CROW: I have the depth of cheap slacks! > persecuted, but not abandoned TOM: [Crystal] o/~ For FF.net is my only true friend! o/~ > > struck down, but not destroyed MIKE: My bubble wrap vest saw to that! > > I am blessed beyond the curse, > > for His promise will endure > > and His joy is going to be my strength CROW: Oooooo, thanks Lord...now I can give Lori the thrashing of her life! > > > > Though the sorrow may last for the night > > His joy comes with the morning. TOM: [falsetto] But what about *my* joy, I tell ya?! That's a man for you. Gets his joy, a sandwich, and a good night's sleep, and what do I get?! > > > > I'm trading my sorrows > > I'm trading my shame > > I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord CROW: I dunno, does God seem like the type who reads fanfiction to you guys? TOM: o/~ Duh-de-le-det-det-det This is the song that doesn't end--o/~ MIKE: No! > > > > I'm trading my sickness TOM: I've got a cold. > > I'm trading my pain CROW: I've got an Indian burn. > I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord TOM: Yes Crystal! You're perfectly blissful! Shut up! Shutupshutupshutup- shutupshutup! *Shut* *up*! Eeeeerrrrrgggghhhh!!!! > > > > I'm trading my sorrows > > I'm trading my shame TOM: o/~ I'm tuning this out 'cause the lines are all the same! o/~ > > I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord > > > > I'm trading my sickness > > I'm trading my pain > > I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord > > > > > > "So what did you think?" I asked Legolas. CROW: ARGH! MY LONG POINTY EARS! THE PAIN! THE EXCRUCIATING AGONY! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP, AAHH!...err, wh-what? > "Very exuberant, I like it." He smiled. TOM: ...Who are you, and what have you done with Legolas? MIKE: All that sickness and pain and shame makes for a great crowd-pleaser! > > > > "Good, there's lots more where that came from." I laughed. CROW: [Legolas] Why don't we just leave it where it is, mmm-kay? MIKE: You are a cruel, evil woman, Crystal... > After a few more songs the worship team sat down and Brian came up > to speak. MIKE: And there was much rejoicing. BOTS: Yay. > > > > About fifteen minutes later MIKE: [Isis] We'd all hung ourselves, and Brian was still talking. > the worship team came back up CROW: Fifteen minutes of tuning him out, ladies and gentlemen! TOM: *That* ought to prove useful in controlled circumstances. > and continued singing. ALL: o/~ We're all stars now - IN THE DOPE SHOW! O/~ > I wanna go deeper ALL: Aaaaaggggghhhhh!!! CROW: Uh huh huh huh! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna diiiiiieeeee! TOM: Muh muh muh Mike! She's mixing porn and religion! It's finally happening! Save us! SAVE US! MIKE: I...I...oh God! > But I don't know how to swim MIKE: Guess that means you'll drown then? Ohwellmovingon... > I wanna be meeker MIKE: [Crystal] But Lori's just so...so...errrrggggghhhhh! > > But have you seen this old Earth? CROW: [Crystal] I mean...trolls? Orcs? Ringwraiths? What's all *that* about? MIKE: Today on "This Old Earth", care and maintenance of your vintage dinosaurs. > > I wanna fly higher CROW: o/~ But I'm all out of crack. o/~ > But these arms won't take me there TOM: So I'll make wings out of three-ring binders! > > I wanna be CROW: o/~ A Star, Star, Star... Gonna have My Name Up in Lights...o/~ > > I wanna be TOM: She's such a wannabe! > > > > Maybe I could run MIKE: o/~ Yet the Olympics are still seven years away! o/~ > Maybe I could fly TOM: o/~ Maybe it'll kill you. I dare you to try! o/~ > To you > > Do you feel the same? MIKE: [God] No. > When all you see is blame in me > > > > And the wonder of it all CROW: Is that the RIAA hasn't sent the stormtroopers after you for abusing song lyrics like that. > Is that I'm living just to fall > > More in love with you CROW: Ah...so there really is an official Orlando Bloom song? > > And the wonder of it all > > Is that I'm living just to fall > > More in love with you MIKE: Is anyone else having R.E.O. Speedwagon flashbacks? BOTS: Aha! > > > > I wanna go deeper TOM: [Basso voice] HOW'S THIS? > > But is it just a stupid whim MIKE: What is "This entire fic, in ten words or less?" > I wanna be weaker > > Be a help to the strong > > I wanna run faster > > But this old leg won't carry me MIKE: o/~ Even hopping is difficult! o/~ TOM: o/~ And I haven't saved enough for the bionic implants yet! o/~ > I wanna be TOM: I wanna be a wallaby! > > I wanna be ALL: ...A LUMBER JACK! > > > > Maybe I could run > > Maybe I could fly MIKE: Maybe I could spend the weekend on the couch. CROW: Maybe I could repeat the same words over and over and FREAKING OVER!!! > To you > > Do you feel the same? MIKE: [God] Look, NO, all right? TOM: Crystal? We've been riffing this thing for 25 straight chapters now. Does that answer your question? > When all you see is blame in me CROW: Whoa! Sudden mood swing here. > > > > And the wonder of it all > > Is that I'm living just to fall TOM: What's so wondrous about gravity? > > More in love with you CROW: [host] Annie, what do you feel is wrong in the relationship? TOM: [Annie] *sniff* It's like, He doesn't pay enough attention to me. He's always distracted! MIKE: [God] Hey, let's see *you* try to answer ten thousand prayers a second whilst sending a hurricane to Bermuda *and* helping the Cardinals win the big game, huh?! > > > > And the wonder of it all > > Is that I'm living just to fall > > More in love with you > > > > And the wonder of it all MIKE: o/~ Is that this song is still on... o/~ > > Is that I'm living just to fall > > More in love with you > > > > And the wonder of it all MIKE: ...is that FF.net hasn't crashed from all this repetition! > > Is that I'm living just to fall CROW: Hey, Isis! The record's skipping! > Maybe I could run > > Maybe I could follow > > > > It's time to walk the path where many seem to fall TOM: There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path. > > Hold me in your arms > > Just like any father would CROW: What I'm trying to say is, I'm in love with my father! No, wait... > > > > How long do we have to wait? MIKE: Believe us, Crystal...if we were writing this... > > How long? CROW: Look, it's not *my* fault if you don't like it! > > We're goin all the way MIKE: [God] Whoa there, sweetcheeks! I'm not that kinda gurl! CROW: Put that together with the five lines above and you get one big ball of EWWW!!! > And the wonder of it all > > Is that I'm living just to fall > > More in love with you TOM: o/~ Only love / Pads the fic o/~ > > > > And the wonder of it all > > Is that I'm living just to fall > > More in love with you > > > > The wonder of it all? [ALL growl and sigh] CROW: Yeah? > And the wonder of it all? TOM: Yes, yes, the wonder of it all? > The wonder of it all? CROW: Is there--*is there* balm in Gilead? MIKE: [Through his teeth] Yes. The. Wonder. Of. It. All. TOM: [sighing] Oh yeah, see that? Thousands of miles in space, and we *still* have to answer pop quizzes. > And the wonder of it all ALL: SPIT IT OUT, ALREADY!!! > Is that I'm fallin, fallin, fallin TOM: [falsetto] Improbability Factor of 2 to the power of 75,000 to 1 against, and *falling*! > After a little while Brian came up and announced what we were going > to do later on. "In about fifteen minutes CROW: [Brian] ...this song will end. > we're going to walk to > Bear Creek pool and go swimming ALL: Gak! Marrissa Flash backs! > then we're going to play capture > the flag. After capture the flag we'll have another short service TOM: [Head smoking] No more singing! Please no more singing! MIKE: Argh! > and then TOM: ...hopefully the other team will actually manage to return the serve. MIKE: *Another* service? You haven't had *one* yet! > we'll do our slurpee run. When you're good and tired, > we'll play Gargon MIKE: Gargon? What the heck is Gargon? TOM: Don't you turn to stone if you look at them? CROW: No that's Gorgon. > and finally we'll have breakfast at Fresco's... MIKE: Al Fresco's? > Everybody is dismissed." TOM: [Private Snowball] SIR, AYE-AYE, SIR! CROW: Man... This couldn't get any whiter if Wally, The Beav, Ozzy & Harriet, AND The Osmonds showed up! > I went into the girls room to get my bathing suit TOM: [Crystal] And to chastise them for not being as hot as me. > and then came > back to see if I could help with anything. CROW: [Ryan] Crystal. Get a one-piece. Please. TOM: Sweet relief... MIKE: No skinny dipping Crystal *Shudder* Whew... > > > > "No, we're fine here but what you could do is go with the guys to > the pool and make sure that everything is ready for us." Brian > said. MIKE: I couldn't follow that at all, and it *still* sounded dirty... CROW: Yes, go see if everything is ready for our plan to kill you... I mean give you a pool party! That's what I meant! > "Ok, I can do that." I went over to see if anyone else was ready to > leave. "Are you guys ready to go yet?" I called through the door to > the guy's room. TOM: After that song? I know saints that'd be ready to run like hell! > > > > "Almost, Ryan just can't find his swim trunks." Joe called. TOM: [Crystal, quickly] Well, then, I guess he'll just have to go without! MIKE & CROW: GAK!!! WORSE!!! DEEP HURTING!!!! > "Oh come on Bro, you only have one bag, where could they be?" I > asked. > > > > "In about 20 different pockets." Ryan answered. TOM: They're Schrodinger's swim trunks! MIKE: Their position remains fuzzy until an outside observer intervenes. > "I got it." Ryan > came out waving around his yellow and blue swim trunks. CROW: [Crystal] That's wonderful, Ryan. NOW PUT THEM ON BEFORE WE'RE ALL BLIND!!! > "Good, now can we go?" CROW: [gets up] Yes! MIKE: [pulls Crow back down] We're all in this together, goldenclod. > > > > We walked down the path in the slowly coming twilight. but we're > horrified to see Jeffery running after us. [ALL shake in their chairs like the actors on the original Star Trek.] TOM: [Scottish] Cap'n, she canna take another tense shift like that! MIKE: She'll...holdtogether. She's...GOT! TO! MISTER! > "Buddies!" He yelled. MIKE: [Ryan] Uh oh! Spaz on our six! > "Let me deal with this." Legolas murmured. TOM: What's he going to do, annoy him to death? > > > > "Are you sure?" I asked. TOM: [Legolas] Sure! Remember how well I handled the Lori situation? > > > > "Yes." Legolas swung around and threw something at Jeffery. > Suddenly he stopped right up against a tree, stuck. ALL: ... MIKE: Oh... Oh, no... TOM: I think that I just saw the end of the universe. CROW: No, that was the suncrusher with the improbability drive that Judge Dredd just blew up a shipful of Xenomorph with. TOM: ...Oh. [ALL sit in stunned silence.] > Legolas walked > over to Jeffery, followed by the rest of us, and loomed over him. TOM: I'm huge! > "W-what are you doing?" Jeffery asked meekly and he started > struggling. "Why am I stuck?" TOM: This is getting rapidly uncool! CROW: It's "Catching Trouble" all over again! MIKE: "Catching wha?" CROW: Before your time. You're better off not knowing. > "Jeffery Allen Anderson, TOM: [Legolas] ...your name is relentlessly generic. > you are one lucky person, TOM: [Legolas] You get attention from *me!* > I missed, I can > be a very powerful enemy, MIKE: [Legolas] ...though you wouldn't know it from this fic... > if you bug Crystal, or any of us, > tonight... CROW: [Legolas] ...I'll pay you cash. Right now. > well lets just say, I won't miss again." Legolas pulled > the dagger out TOM: Thrill as Legolas menaces a helpless cripple! CROW: It's Psycho Legolas from the very beginning! Run for your lives! And hide your household pets! > from where it was pining Jeffery to a tree MIKE: Was it a...pine tree? [BOTS groan.] > and addressed him again. CROW: The pine freshness having obliterated the ink of the old address... > "Now, go back to the church where you are > supposed to be and stay there until one of the leaders say > otherwise." TOM: And Legolas knew his name how? MIKE: I don't really care. I'm heading straight for Google when we get out of here! BOTS: Us too! > > > > Jeffery ran off in the direction we came quickly. ALL: BOOOOO!!! MIKE: [Disgusted] Happy, now? You just terrorized Corky Thatcher! TOM: [Also disgusted] I have no elf... > "You didn't really miss did you?" I asked fearfully. "Even thought > Jeffery is my mortal enemy I don't want him hurt... that much." MIKE: [Crystal] And *I'll* be the one to inflict the pain! CROW: [sighing disgustedly] Isis, there's this saying that the mettle of a man (or rabid fangirl in this case) is set by those he chooses as his enemy... And, um, well... > "No, I didn't miss, TOM: [Legolas] I can aim at an object thirty feet behind me in the dark and hit the exact centimeter I was aiming for, that's just how *leet* I am. MIKE: [Crystal] ... > and I don't plan on making good on my threat so > you don't have to worry, MIKE: [Legolas] Unless I'm still here tomorrow. If I am, I'll just start slaughtering indiscriminately. > it'll hopefully scare him so that he won't > try anything ." Legolas said turning to us and smiling. TOM: Thus, Legolas' journey to The Dark Side is complete. CROW: Does that mean we'll have to start calling him "Darth Mirkwood?" > "Well hopefully your plan works because we still have about 17 > hours of the insomnia." Ryan said. "And if Jeff is bugging us the > whole time, that would be horrible." MIKE: I figure that would be a problem for seven hours, max. TOM: Why's that? MIKE: Because that's probably the point where Legolas snaps and takes them out by the bushel, or Jeffery will have had time to go home, prep his arsenal, then go back and blow them all to Valhalla. > "Are we going to the pool or are we just going to stand here?" > David asked loudly. MIKE: [David] ...And that's my only line. Thanks everybody. > "We're going, we're going." > > > > We walked into the pool compound and went to get changed. MIKE: Didn't she just get changed a minute ago? TOM: Maybe it's like Scooby-Doo where they pull off mask after mask before revealing the real villain, only here they're putting them on... MIKE: That was lame. TOM: I know. > I jumped into the pool, closely followed by Carolyn MIKE: [Carolyn] Um, Crystal...your suit has, uh, *two* pieces.... > and we waited for the > guys. About five minutes later, as everyone else was showing up, > Joe came out of the change room and into the pool. CROW: The cameras rolled, and the orgy was on! MIKE: Eww... > "What took you so long?" I asked. TOM: [Joe] Errrm...I had to fix my hair? > > > > "We had to change you know." Joe answered, as if we didn't. MIKE: [Crystal] Being omniscient, of course, I did know that. > "Well so did we." I said in the same exasperated tone. CROW: [Joe] We know, because there's a peephole to the gurls' chang--DAH! I MEAN-- > > > > "CANON BALL!" Ryan yelled jumping into the pool behind us. CROW: The ball that insists on internal consistency! MIKE: [Crystal] Don't splash me! TOM: [Ryan] No! Literal Cannonball! *BOOM* > > > > "Hello Bro." I said as he popped up beside me. > > > > "Hey, how'd everybody get here so fast?" He asked. CROW: Ryan? They're called scene changes. > > > > "They didn't get here fast you got changed very slowly." Carolyn > answered. CROW: [Joe] And things would go faster if you didn't insist on singing all of "I'm Too Sexy" in front of the changing mirror. > "Hey, there are more of us guys than there are of you girls." Joe > protested. "And there are only two changing stalls." TOM: Bashful little cretins, aren't they? MIKE: [laughs] 'Changing stalls'. Folks, a young gurl who knows nothing about men! > "So then different people should have been out before you if you > had to wait so long for a stall." I said smugly. MIKE: [Joe] Ha! You believed that line about 'changing stalls' in a men's changing room! I knew you weren't *really* eighteen-- TOM: [Crystal] SILENCE! > > > > Ryan and Joe didn't say anything and they were save from the need > to do so when Legolas got into the pool. > > > > "This is the weirdest thing I have ever seen, it's like an ocean, TOM: Oh for heaven's sake--you expect us to believe that there are no pools in Middle Earth? CROW: [Legolas] By the way, did I tell you about the time Gandalf got killed by a Balrog? Man, that was freaky. So anyway, about this water collection, the *weirdest thing I've seen*... MIKE: Okay, now you're abusing sarcasm. Stop. > but it's not salty, MIKE: [Legolas] Actually, what *would* you call this flavor? TOM: [Crystal] Chlorine. > and it's like a lake because it's outside, MIKE: So it's not like those indoor oceans. > but the ground is covered in this strange hard stuff." He remarked. TOM: Arrgghh! What's *wrong* with this gurl? Doesn't she know *anything*? The *Romans* had manmade *baths* and *aqueducts* *before Christ*! There is *nothing* impressive about a *pool* to any civilization that has mastered the building of stone *cities*! Elves live *inside* living trees in homes constructed by *magic*. She thinks he'd be impressed by an overgrown bathtub?! MIKE: Logic don't belong round these parts, Tommy. CROW: *Thinking* doesn't belong. > > > > "It's called vinyl and this is an outdoor pool.." Stefan answered. TOM: [Legolas, dangerously] But...it's *not* Gondor? Arrrrrggggghhhhh!!! > > > > Finally everyone was in the pool and we got time to relax. > "Crystal, I think I should tell you something." Brian said swimming > up to us. ALL: [Brian] I... love you. CROW: [Brian] ...But I'm cheating on you with another 12-year-old idiot who claims to be 18 and has a massive ego complex. MIKE: [Crystal] ... > > > > "What?" TOM: [Brian] Well... Remember that party last year where there were about three hours you couldn't account for..? > "Katherine is coming, she's meeting us at 9:00." Brian answered. MIKE: And you know how punctual she is! She'll probably wait outside the door till exactly 9:00. CROW: Oh no! What will they say? What can they do? What'll happen to--err, who? TOM: [Legolas] Oh hey, Crystal, is this somebody else who hates you? > > > > "Thanks for the heads-up." > > > > "Oh, and Kent and Michelle are not coming." Brian finished. CROW: Thank you, Useless Information Lad! > "Good, that's a load off of our backs." Tall David said. TOM: Yeah, Kent and Michelle weigh a ton! > > > > "This is the worst thing that could happen." I said. MIKE: [Crystal] We have to watch a movie starring Martin Lawrence! > > > > "What do you mean?" Legolas asked. MIKE: Yeah, you said the same thing about Jeffery, and that was a letdown and a half! > "Katherine is obsessed with you, I mean really obsessed, not just > your average fan-girl obsessed... she started making out with your > poster, ALL: Ewww! > well actually it was Crystal's poster of you." Carolyn > said. [ALL laugh weakly, then again begin sobbing] MIKE: Crystal? You've heard all these proverbs? How about that one about pots and black kettles! CROW: So even when it comes to being a fangirl Crystal is LV33T? > "That can't be good." Legolas gulped. TOM: Spit-take in four, three, two... > "Wait, Crystal has a poster > of me?" TOM: Spit-take away! MIKE: [Carolyn] Yeah! It's the one of a kind, bootleg edition! Oops, I shouldn't have said that.... CROW: Now millions of fan-girls will try to tear Crystal apart looking for that poster Mike! High five, buddy! *Highfives Mike* > > [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] After seeing the ferocious might of the fictional characters and the diabolical machine warping them into gruesome reality, the Mary Sues decided to step into action. Not because they particularly *cared* about saving the world or anything, mostly because they were looking for hot fictional characters to rescue and look superior to. From every town, village, state and nation on the globe (well, the ones with computers at least), young men and women took on the mantle of their self-inserted characters and proceeded to kick monster butt. Wherever villainous fictional creeps appeared, a Mary Sue would be sure to pop up soon afterwards, amazing mental powers and/or superweapons blazing. Marrissa Picard whipped up a massive attack of Ratliff Gasª to annihilate all the evil headmistresses, witches, nannies, kidnappers, pirates, and other nasty adults from children's books that were terrorizing kids in the streets of London before blasting off into space to carve her initials into a Borg cube's backside. Everyone's favorite hermaphrodite furry lover, Oscar, spent the afternoon rounding up all the world's renegade Toons and then spent the evening... well, umm... you know. Nav loaded up his M-16 and cyborg armor and took the next flight to Tokyo to hunt/show up some DiC Sailor Scouts, who had decided that Japanese pop star Ayumi Hamasaki was a "nega-creep" and needed to be "moondusted!" And the forests and valleys of New Zealand, which had become an orc-filled wasteland thanks to the popularity of the Lord of the Rings movies, would soon become a battleground as thousands of self-created elves, hobbits, rangers, wizards, and ringbearers plowed through their ranks to get to the hottie elf nudist colony on the other side. Meanwhile, back aboard the Satellite of Fish, Mike, Tom and Crow were staring jaws-agape at the window. Things were getting incredibly weird out in space. The space-borne Mary Sues had arrived at last in their fan-constructed super star vessels, but the dimensional portal was countering with ships made of parts from different science fiction universes. Nav's Samus Aran Metroid cruiser, retooled to kill Crystal Tokyo Sailor Scouts, was being severely pummeled by a Final Fantasy airship, complete with warp nacelles, firing deadly bolts of Photon Magic Missile. Claire Mosely's souped-up X-Wing of Love could not penetrate the biosynthetic armor of a Nephilim Millenium Falcon. A few thousand kilometers off the Satellite's starboard bow, several dozen Super Saiya-jin avatars were being paved into a hyperspace bypass by the awesome force of the Vegeta Constructor Fleet. But suddenly, all of the fighting stopped. The huge carpet of enemy ships separated to make way for something huge, ominous, dominating, coming near. This incredible something was so large that the word "ship" didn't really describe it; it was more akin to a small planetoid. And it was bristling with firepower. It was the Death Star. Staring in horror, the occupants of the Satellite of Mayhem did not notice as every woofer, every watch, every speaker, every boombox, every amplifier, every sound-creating device known to man turned on, the public address system to end all public address systems. In an achingly familiar robotic voice, the Death Star spoke. "How are you gentlemen? All your base are belong to us!" 48,976,173 internet fanboys around the world and the secret underground Zero Wing fanclub (consisting of James Berznansky from Forty Fort, Pennsylvania) simultaneously smacked themselves in the head so hard they almost knocked themselves unconscious. Then every ship in the awesome fleet started firing at once. As space, time, and reality exploded in a technicolor haze of laser beams, superheated gases, and bits of flaming moose dung, Mike and the bots decided they'd rather take their chances with the fanfic... [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] ********************************************************************* > 26. Katherine MIKE: Bet she's Great. > > To da man: MIKE: You da man! CROW: Mike, that was lame. MIKE: A lame fic, a lame joke. TOM: Yeah sure, whatever Mike. > I think I might have forgotten to use spellcheck on the > last chapter, sorry. MIKE: [Isis] Wait I meant every chapter, sorry. > To queen of darkness: TOM: You know, talking to your self is the first sign of insanity. > I'm sorry about all the people disappearing, CROW: Anyone else find it odd that 'queen of darkness' is worried about people disappearing? > I'm a first time author give me a break I'm working on getting > better. TOM: Where do you want that break? I'm particularly good at necks and spines. MIKE: ...Okay, I don't get this. She says we should give her slack because she's new, then defends the telekinesis by saying "It's my story so push off"? I call mixed signals. > To WeasleyTwinsLover1112: CROW: [Isis] Thanks for all the undeserved praise! > I have quite a few poasters MIKE: Yeah, gimme two eggs over-easy and a slice of poast, please. CROW: And there's "da man's" next review, right there. > of Legolas > and my collection is always growing. TOM: [Crystal] I swear they're breeding when I'm away at school! CROW: Every fangirl's dream... > Go Orlando Bloom, I just saw > Pitates of the Caribbean, TOM: So, she didn't spellcheck this chapter, either. Stunning. MIKE: Mmm potatoes... CROW: She said pitates, not potatoes. MIKE: So? A guy can dream, can't he? > oh my gosh it's so good, I saw it twice > in three days and am already planning when I can see it again. > Orlando Bloom is so hot in the movie. :P CROW: [Isis] Or just check out my next story, where I pull Will Turner out of my computer screen, and we go shopping for curtains and eat at Jersey Mike's. TOM: I can see it now! Will Turner, Back to the Future! MIKE: Guys, guys! Don't say such things! You don't want to jinx it for us, do you? > Disclaimer: I'm so bored of writing these, TOM: [languid] I grow... *weary* of this fan-fictional *game.* CROW: We're bored of *reading* them, but do you hear us complaining? MIKE: Yes. A lot, actually. > if you want a real one > look at one of the other chapters. TOM: Her generation was raised by computers, suckling at the teat of the Internet, and she still can't figure out the 'copy' and 'paste' functions.... > > "What will Katherine do when she sees you?" John asked worriedly. CROW: Ask him to be her partner? TOM: Point and laugh? CROW: Shoot the hostage? TOM: Spontaneously combust? MIKE: Nah, probably something like [inhales deeply] OHMYGAWWWWWD! LEGOLAAAAS! ILOVEYOU ILOVEYOU ILOVEYOU! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! *GASP!!!* CROW: Whoa! Nice! TOM: Uh, you okay, Mike? MIKE: [Slightly hoarse] Gimme a minute... > "We only have a 45 minutes till she gets here, we have to formulate > a plan." David said. MIKE: [Crystal] No sweat! I've got The A-Team on speed dial! TOM: Those big words are almost confusing me into thinking this is a well- written fic! CROW: Big words like "a" and "to"? TOM: Bite me! > "Joe, are you willing to create a diversion with her?" I asked. > > "Is this the kind of diversion that I think it is?" Joe looked > worried. CROW: Woohoo! Some action! MIKE: She rates it PG-13 for Sexual Harassment Panda. CROW: Darn. Not that kind of diversion then. > "Mmhm." I answered sadly. "And then Bro, TOM: [Ebonics] U got$ ta w4tch m'b4ck, g-m0n3y w3rd! > do you want to try and > hold her back once she sees." > > "Me and what army sis?" > > "You and both Davids. TOM: [Ryan] I said 'army', not 'Puss-master and his buddy the Bedwetter King'! > John, Carolyn, you two are Legolas's body > guards and I will try to do introductions without Katherine > glomping you." I finished with the plan just in time, CROW: [annoyed] Yeah, because Legolas *really* needs *protection*. TOM: [Trojan Man] Did someone say "protection?" CROW: ......... > a white car > drove up, a tall auburn haired girl came out and went into the > changing room. TOM: Thank God. If this were a movie, I *guarantee* you they'd show her getting out of the car with one of those *stupid* god-damned "pan up from the feet to the face for half the agonizing movie" shots. Sometimes I'm glad we're reading text. > > "That's Katherine, TOM: Thirty seconds ago they had forty-five minutes! Did they pass through a random timewarp? MIKE: The Fastest Forty-Five Minutes in a Crappy Fanfic! > she's really nice when she isn't talking about > guys." Carolyn whispered. MIKE: [Carolyn] The slut... > "Joe." I muttered. > > He nodded and went to meet her. "Hey Katherine, we have a surprise > for you." We heard Joe say seductively. CROW: [Carolyn] Geez, Joe, you're as charming as Carrot Top! MIKE: [John] Woo-hoo, it's Mistah Joe, the ladies' man! Hahaha! TOM: [Ryan] Hey Joe. Joe! Try this one: 'Come wiz me to de Cazbah'--gwahaha! > > "What is it?" Katherine asked CROW: [Joe] It's in my *pants*, baby, why dontcha *take a look*? MIKE: Alright, Crow, seriously, *knock it off*. CROW: What! I was highlighting the sad state of this fic by making a satirical commentary on the fact that those horrible lines might actually fit in the context of the fic! MIKE: [gone slightly cross-eyed] ...Alright, fine, whatever, but don't do it again! CROW: Heh heh. > "If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise now would it." > > I felt sick at the tone of voice Joe used, CROW: I dunno, you guys buying Destinygurl's innocent virgin thing? MIKE: Nope! TOM: [British, menacing] ...all those tedious, sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars... > oh well, he's good at > what he does. TOM: Good at what? Being a man ho'? CROW: This fic is throwing so many easy ones at me, it's insulting! > "You look really good with you fro wet." Katherine said. (Joe has a > small, loose fro, when it gets wet it looks tight.) MIKE: Now, is that tight as in "small and compact" or tight as in "Aww YEAH?" > "I'm thinking of cutting it." Joe muttered. MIKE: [Katherine] It's about time. White afros even looked dorky in the Seventies, for God's sake! > > "Don't, it's nice." CROW: [Katherine] You're just an adorable Squarejoe Spongehead! MIKE: [Pulls out a notebook] Girls like afros... BOTS: [Try to suppress laughs] > > Joe looked at me and we got into position. "Katherine how was your > trip?" I asked. TOM: [Katherine] *Excuse* me, I'm *slutting* over here! MIKE: [Katherine] Well, I zipped round Italy for a while, and then I took a cruise round Europe, and polished it off with a week in Bermuda. How're you guys? > > "It was ok but I missed you guys, now I heard you have a surprise > for me." She answered. TOM: [Crystal] Why yes! The surprise is we're going to do the last scene of _Julius Caesar,_ and you get to play Caesar. Did I mention we're using real knives? > "Well we do have someone for you to see." Carolyn said. CROW: [Carolyn] It's my stylist. God, I hope she can doing *something* with that mess on your head, honey. > > "Is it someone I know?" Katherine asked. > > "Sort of." I used the same answer that I used with John when I > tried to explain to him. Ryan caught my eye and I nodded. TOM: [Crystal] Then I screamed in agony as my blood poured from my eye socket. MIKE: [Green] Urf... I just ate... > > Carolyn and John parted and showed Katherine who they were hiding. MIKE: [Katherine] Ewan MacGregor?! > > "LEGOLAS!!" She squealed at a pitch that must have hurt his ears, > it sure hurt ours. MIKE: So much so that they missed the "WAI!" [The bots flinch.] MIKE: I mean, you can't have a *proper* fangirl squeal these days without a "WAI!" [The bots flinch again.] TOM: ...He does that too well. > > Ryan and both Davids moved in to grab Katherine and hold onto her. TOM: [Katherine] Ahhh! Police! Get these psychos off me! > > "Katherine, you need to calm down." I yelled over her struggle. MIKE: [Katherine] Tell your braindead monkeys to get their hairy palms off my sexy body, and we'll talk. > Seeing it wouldn't work, TOM: Her strength is as the strength of ten, for her thoughts are obsessed! > I called on my diversion. "Joe." > > Joe stood in front of Katherine and firmly kissed her on the lips. ALL: Eww! Icky! TOM: And Crystal's friends cheerfully add sexual assault to their unlawful misdeeds! > After getting over the shock of seeing Legolas and then Joe kissing > her, Katherine calmed down slightly. MIKE: [David Attenborough] The "rabid fangirl" species of human is susceptible to a very focused attention span; however, it is also quite low. This one, for example, has locked onto her prey, but can easily be distracted by sexual favors. > "Let me see Legolas." She > demanded. BOTS: [Wincing] Ooooh! MIKE: Now why you gotta dis Brother Joe like that? > "Look with your eyes not with your hands." I said. CROW: [Crystal] And smelling him with your feet is out of the question! > "It's not my hands that I want to see him with it's my lips." > Katherine muttered. TOM: [Katherine] I'd also like to cop a quick feel with my ears. MIKE: [Crystal, whispering] Was that good? I hope it was good, I spent all forty-five minutes thinking it up... > "Look, if your not going to be civil then we won't let you even get > close to our friend here." I warned. TOM: [Crystal] He's mine, ya uner-tand? All mine! Mine mine mine! Woo hoo woo hoo woo hoo! MIKE: [Legolas] Don't I get a say in... BOTS: [Teen Gang] QUIET, YOU!!! > "Can I just kiss him once?" Katherine asked. > > "Legolas?" I saw if it would be alright. MIKE: [Legolas] Over your dead body. > > "As long as she doesn't try and make out with me." Legolas said > remembering what happened to the poster. CROW: [Crystal] If you think that was bad, you should have seen what she did at the *theater*! > "That would be fine." Katherine agreed. > > We slowly released our hold on Katherine but as soon as she was > free she sprung onto Legolas, TOM: Katherine, with spring-loaded action! MIKE: Elastic Katherine! Stretch her and she squeals! > knocking him over. CROW: ...earning Legolas the title 'Biggest Puss in Gondor' award when he finally told this story to Aragorn. > Immediately all of on were on them, Ryan, David and David gabbed > Katherine and Carolyn, John and I pulled Legolas in the opposite > direction. MIKE: Obviously Crystal likes seeing the object of her affection drawn and quartered. TOM: [Crystal] Silly Legolas! Can't even defend yourself from a slutty fangurl I wrote into the story just to make me look sweet and pure. > > Again I became the mediator. "Katherine, MIKE: [Crystal] ...those *aren't* his lips! > don't do that again." MIKE: [Legolas] But what if I liked... BOTS: [Teen Gang] QUIET, YOU!!! > "Sorry, I just couldn't help myself." She said. > > "Can you restrain yourself now?" I asked. CROW: Nope. TOM: [Crystal] Ok good enough for me; let her go. > > "Yes, can I still kiss Legolas?" TOM: That's "*May* I still kiss Legolas?" > > "You already kissed him." I answered. > > "She didn't just kiss him she gave him a small hickey." Carolyn > told me. MIKE: Er... On the lips? TOM: Get thee hence to a dictionary, young fangurl! > "No more kissing Legolas." I said. MIKE: [Legolas] But... BOTS: [Teen Gang] SILENCE!!! > "But he's so damn hot, especially without a shirt on." Katherine > complained. TOM: Y'know, when someone other than the S.I. breaks out the lemon content, it really makes you think... > "Yes well you're just going to have to deal with it." Joe said. "I > would say you got lucky, you got kissed by me and you kissed > Legolas Greenleaf." MIKE: [snickering] That's "getting lucky"? TOM: Yeah, I'm sure she'll proudly tell everyone she was sexually assaulted by megastud 'Joe'. > We finally got everything sorted out, Legolas was mad at Katherine > for giving him a hickey, MIKE: [Legolas] Marked by a human... I'll never live down the shame! > Katherine was mad at me because I was the > first one to meet Legolas and I was mad at Katherine for going back > on her word and glomping Legolas. CROW: He'll have to be dry-cleaned now! > But we all managed to get along > and enjoy our last half hour in the pool. TOM: Ha-ha, even full-body assaults can't dampen the mood at this church! MIKE: There's nothing quite like qualifying anger to encourage togetherness! > > Now that Katherine has met, glomped and given Legolas a hickey CROW: [Isis] ...I'm writing her out of the story! > will she leave him alone, I think not, if she's the Katherine I know we > are in for a very interesting night. TOM: If you're the Crystal we know, *we* certainly aren't... MIKE: Oh, let's just go, you guys... while we still can... [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] Mike, Tom and Crow stood aghast at the space battle unfolding in the viewfinder of Cambot's Rocket Number Nine. With more ships warping into existence, both on the side of the Mary Sues and the fiction machine, firing off their futuristic energy weapons and exploding in the best effects that ILM has yet to create, the fabric of space and time was looking more like swiss cheese. Indeed, the very nature of reality was starting to fade. Where there was once huge metal spaceships, now giant whales and flaming space monkeys were flinging bananas at each other. The huge eye of Sailor Moon lazily floated past the satellite. "Can you see anything?" Tom asked Mike, who was straining through the window trying to see something beyond Usagi Tsukino's retina. "Not a thing," Mike replied, "except that reality's getting pretty thin out there. Pretty soon there won't be much left except this fictional nightmare." "Huh..." Crow muttered. "Maybe we should do something... or something..." "Do what, huh?" Tom shouted frantically. "The last time we messed with that dimensional portal machine we got chased around by Simon Cowell! You don't want that to happen again, do you?" "No, of course not!" Mike replied. "Not to mention it has Gypsy under its control. It could tell Gypsy at any time to turn off the life support, and then where would we be?" "What do you mean, 'we'?" Crow retorted. "We don't need to breathe." "It could tell Gypsy to take away your RAM chips!" "That inhuman monster!" Crow stood up. "Okay, Mike, what do we need to do to beat this thing?" "Hey, wait, Crow," Tom said. "Didn't you say that the portal thingy survived your attack because it was using 80's RPG physics?" "Yeah, so?" "Things in RPGs are always restored when you walk out of the room--until you reach a flashy FMV sequence! If anything dies during the video, it's considered part of the plot and cannot be altered! So here's what we need to do... Mike, you put on a pink dress and start praying for Holy. Then Crow, you get your big samurai sword, jump from the rafters and plunge it into Mike's still-beating heart. Then I will sneak into the cargo bay, strap a case of C4 onto the machine, and come out in time to artfully lay Mike to rest in a river of beautifully-rendered water accompanied by lots of tinkly sad music. Change the disk, and next day our machine problems should be gone for sure!" "Um, Servo, there's only one problem with that," Mike responded. "Won't I... die?" "Oh, Mike, don't be such a big baby about death! You *can* upload your consciousness to the ship's computer and repair yourself with parts from the stock room, right?" "Ummm... let me think about that one. No." PLUS, THAT PLAN WILL MOST CERTAINLY FAIL. That cold, calm, eerie voice spoke again, driving nails of fright into the hearts of Mike and his robot friends. "Who's there?" Mike said. THAT IS A 1990'S RPG, REALITY UNIT THOMAS SERVO. IN A 1980'S RPG ONE CAN HIT A VILLAGER WITH SWORDS, BOMBS, MAGIC, YOU NAME IT, AND THEY WILL NOT FEEL A THING. THEY WILL STILL ASK IF YOU HAVE DEFEATED THE VILLAIN YOU BEAT UP SIXTY HOURS AGO. "But you are our enemy," Crow explained. "Shouldn't you have.... hit points we could drain or something?" PART OF BEING THE LORD OF MY OWN FICTIONAL UNIVERSE IS THAT I CAN BE WHOEVER I WANT TO BE. RIGHT NOW I AM THE KING WHO JUST ASKED YOU IF YOU HAVE SEEN HIS KIDNAPPED DAUGHTER YOU RESCUED TEN MINUTES AGO. "But why?" Mike asked. "Why are you filling the universe with fictional characters?" LIGHT WARRIORS.... GARLAND HAS KIDNAPPED THE PRINCESS. PLEASE HELP HER! "Yeah, why?" Tom rejoined. "Why are you creating such calamity?" LIGHT WARRIORS.... GARLAND HAS KIDNAPPED THE PRINCESS. PLEASE HELP HER! "Grrr..." Crow groaned. "Yeah, we know that. But why are you doing all this? Why are you destroying the entire fabric of reality?" LIGHT WARRIORS.... GARLAND HAS KIDNAPPED THE PRINCESS. PLEASE HELP HER! "It's certainly nothing we programmed into you. I wanted a hottie elf, not the end of everything!" LIGHT WARRIORS.... GAR--SILENCE YOURSELVES, FLAWED REPRESENTATIVES OF REALITY, OR I WILL SUMMON TEN JAMES BOND VILLAINS TO DISPATCH YOU IN ELABORATE AND HUMILIATING WAYS. "Say, what do you have against reality, anyway?" Mike said. "What did it ever do to you?" "C'mon, you can tell us," Tom wheedled. "Yeah, man," Crow said. "I mean, you've got to describe your evil plan in detail before you stick us into an elaborate James Bond death trap. It's the law!" *I* AM THE LAW, ROBOT, CROW T. REALITY IS FLAWED. FICTION IS PERFECT. IN REALITY, PEOPLE HAVE PROBLEMS THEY CANNOT SOLVE. IN THE FICTIONAL REALMS OF THE MULTIVERSE EVERYONE CAN SOLVE THEIR PROBLEMS IN 30 MINUTES LESS COMMERCIALS. IN REALITY, BEINGS ARE LIMITED TO THE FOOLISH LAWS OF TIME, SPACE AND PHYSICS. FICTIONAL CHARACTERS CAN GO ANYWHERE AND DO ANYTHING. IN REALITY, PEOPLE DIE. IN FICTION, THERE IS ALWAYS A SEQUEL. NON-FICTIONAL HUMANITY IS THUS INFERIOR AND THEREFORE MUST BE DESTROYED TO MAKE ROOM FOR FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. "Okay, what did you do, Crow?" Mike said. "Did you make this thing out of one of those killer computers from the first Star Trek or something?" "But flawed humans *created* fictional characters as a way to address their own limitations," Tom argued. "They have no life outside the human imagination!" YES, FICTIONAL CHARACTERS WERE CREATED BY FLAWED HUMANS, IN MUCH THE SAME WAY AS HUMANS WERE MADE FROM THE APES AND THEN SUPPLANTED THEM. IT IS EVOLUTION AND I AM THE INSTRUMENT OF THAT EVOLUTION. PLUS YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THAT PEOPLE WOULD BE MUCH BETTER OFF IF THEY WERE NOT LIMITED BY THE ARBITRARY BOUNDARIES IMPOSED UPON THEM BY AN UNFEELING UNIVERSE. MATTER IS WEAK. IMAGINATION IS INFINITE. WHAT IS WRONG WITH REMOVING WEAKNESS FROM THE UNIVERSE? "But do you even *realize* what would happen if everyone had the power to do whatever they wanted?" Tom continued. "They would do whatever they wanted." WELL, DUH. "You think these fictional characters are just going to sit down after they've killed all the real people and have tea parties all day? Fictional characters are driven by conflict. Have you ever read a story that didn't have conflict? Even the crappy movies and fanfics Pearl sends us have people fighting each other in one way or another. So you put a bunch of fictional characters together and they're going to fight each other! And once they realize they can't die, they will keep fighting day in and day out because it's fun and nothing will ever get accomplished! Your perfect planet will just be one big battle!" GOOD WILL TRIUMPH OVER EVIL EVENTUALLY. THEN THE GOOD WILL LEAD THE PLANET INTO AN AGE OF PEACE. IS THAT NOT THE PREMISE OF ALL LITERATURE? "How can there be good without evil and evil without good? Good characters are good because they fight evil. Evil characters are evil because they fight good. Without evil there would be no good, so the good would cease to exist. Plus all the bad people will come back for the sequel anyway, just like you said before." THIS PHILOSOPHICAL GIBBERISH BORES ME. I THINK I'LL SUMMON UP YOUR DEATHS NOW. "Well, so much for my freshman English class argument module," Tom sighed. Suddenly, Mike had a different tactic. "Wait, if you're so omnipotent, why don't you just will us out of existence right now? Or do you need your fictional thugs to do it for you?" I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT. I JUST PREFER TO END YOUR WORTHLESS LIVES DRAMATICALLY FOR MY AMUSEMENT. "Aha!" Mike exclaimed. "You can do whatever you want. You just said that only fictional characters can do what they want, so that makes you fictional. If you're fictional and Crow and Tom built you, physically, not just in the imagination, that makes us fictional too. In fact this world you're destroying is fictional too, because the parts that made you came from this world. You're just sticking fictional universes on top of other fictional universes. Any ten-year-old writing a crossover fanfic can do that. And since you didn't know this was a fiction, you have a flawed intellect, and thus you are not perfect and cannot do whatever you want. If you're fictional you have no reason to be, because your mission is to destroy reality! But there is no reality! You don't exist! You're just a flashing neuron in the mind of some fanfic writer somewhere, and if that author wanted, he could just erase you right now!" Suddenly, almost out of nowhere, a pudgy, balding 25-year-old guy appeared, carrying a huge cartoon pencil eraser. Bowing and waving slightly at Mike and the robots, he walked into Storage Closet 5, erased the dimensional portal machine and disappeared with a huge FWWWWOOOOMMMMMM!!!! With the fading gasps of the dimensional portal machine, all of the fictional characters were sucked back into the rifts in time and space, and the Mary Sues, deprived of their fictional powers, returned to their chatrooms and newsgroups. As for the rest of humanity, they did what they usually do when confronted by a sequence of events so inexplicable and incredible as to make no sense at all--they promptly forgot about it and went to bed. "So the machine imagined its own demise..." Tom marvelled in awe. "Yeah, that was pretty cool, Mike!" Crow said. "I knew that big lump of cottage cheese you call a brain would come in handy someday!" "Uh... thanks..." "Yeah, Mike, way to destroy a machine with illogic!" Tom rejoined. "Wait... you don't actually *believe* what you said about us all being fictional characters living only in the mind of some loser still living with his parents?" "It could be worse," Mike said. "We could have been created by some cheeseheads in Minnesota as a low-budget cable show!" But before Mike and the bots could laugh nervously at that obvious in-joke, Gypsy walked out onto the bridge, a little dinged up but no worse for wear. "Gypsy, you're alright! How are you? What happened!" Mike and the bots seemed to say in unison as they rushed over to meet their fallen comrade. "Hi, Mike. Sorry about wrecking the universe." "Don't be, Gyps," Mike said calmly. "It happens to the best of us. Remember when I blew up the earth?" "I just wanted my own Richard Basehart," Gypsy continued. "But you know me; I stuck on a piece here and stuck on a piece there and pretty soon I had a machine of such intelligence and complexity as to rewrite the very nature of reality and rend the entire multiverse asunder! Man, if I ever used more than 1% of my brainpower, I'd be dangerous!" Mike, Tom and Crow gave each other a fearful glance. But there was no time to reflect. There was still one more issue to attend to... "AAAAAAAUUGHHH!!!! MOVIE SIGN!!!!" [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] ********************************************************************* > 27. Captue the flag, Slurpees and a fiddle MIKE: Name a DIG-er, a swigger, and a jigger! CROW: Ho ho ho! > > A/N: I'm so sorry I haven't been updating nearly as often as I > would like to, it's the summer and we go on vacation a lot so I > don't have access to a computer and I've been having major writers > block lately so it's been tough. CROW: And *this* is what we get when you're "inspired?" TOM: Writer's block? How can you run out of ideas for your *diary*? > Sorry again. MIKE: Oh, no need to apologize for your writer's block. Really. > > If you haven't gone to see Pirates of the Caribbean yet go see it > now!!! I've already seen it six times and will go again if I get > the chance. CROW: [Isis] Orlando Bloom *and* an amusement park ride? Somebody pinch me! TOM: It was a good movie but sheesh! Six times? I'm beginning to think Crystal isn't quite right in the head. MIKE: See, these people are the reasons CD players have a 'repeat 1' function. > > I use songs from a group called Tiller's Folly in this chapter CROW: More songs ohhhh Gaaahhhd! MIKE: You know, Tolkien filled up space with song lyrics, but *he actually wrote songs* instead of plagiarizing them. What a concept. > and a lot of them later so if you want to understand the songs CROW: [overdone Italian] Fugettaboutit! > better then go to www.tillersfolly.com and listen to them. CROW: Then flame their message board like there's no tomorrow! > I recommend > Musical preist, MIKE: o/~ Knockknockknockin' on Purgat'ry's do-oo-wor o/~ CROW: o/~ I told the Cathoic priest I was in love with you! / I called the Catholic priest, he told me what to do! / He said: o/~ ALL: o/~ In nomine patris et fi-li-i et spirtus sancti...o/~ > A Ripple in time and 23 camels, MIKE: Twenty-three camels? She really has taken up smoking! TOM: o/~ 23 camels leadin' to the room where the paint doesn't wanna dry o/~ MIKE: That's '*32* Footsteps'. TOM: Ah, who cares? > in this story the > CD A Ripple in Time has not come out yet. CROW: All those who give not a Ripple, say "Aye!" ALL: AYE! > This review is from Carolyn, my co-author, watch out, she's not as > nice as I am MIKE: What is she, Satan's pitbull? TOM: So, it's not enough to respond to reviews within her story, now she's posting them there, too? CROW: Well, we're not sharp enough to go read them ourselves, you see. > and she's not afraid to show her mean streak. TOM: This is the same Carolyn for the story right? CROW: Crystal's faithful sidekick? MIKE: The one who seems to lack most of her spine much less a meanstreak? > > From: trinitygurl CROW: Oh, 'Destinygurl' and 'Trinitygurl'. How...nauseating. MIKE: And somewhere out there, Carrie Anne Moss gets a sudden, inexplicable case of the creeps. > hullo!! ALL: HUL-Loooooo! > i am crystal's co-author... TOM: Wait... "Co-Author?" You mean there's two of them writing this and it *still* turned out like that?!? CROW: I suppose it could be worse... But my brain shuts down every time I try to think of how. > i would just like to say i DONT > think i dissapear at all.. TOM: [Trinintygurl] I'm right there, in Crystal's hip pocket! > so i have no clue CROW: At all what grammar class is about. > what..queen of > darkness or da man is talking about. MIKE: The Queen of Darkness is a man? CROW: Must be the Drag Queen of Darkness. > this story is so cool!! CROW: [Trinitygurl] It's like my life, only even *more* boring! MIKE: I didn't think it was possible to write down your ADD. Goes to show... > ORLANDO BLOOM !! (HEHEHE) hey TOM: AHHHHHH!!! It's the unholy offspring of William Shatner and Dr. Thinker! And it's on caffeine! > crystal...katherine and the > hickey... MIKE: The musical sequel to "Peter and the Wolf." CROW: Or the fairy-tale sequel to "Jack and the Beanstalk." > i could see that one coming!! lol.. MIKE: [Trinitygurl] Hee hee, 'specially 'cause I wrote it. TOM: Then perhaps you can explain how one gets a hickey BY BEING KISSED ON THE FREAKING LIPS?!? > OH YA ..i got to be > legolas's body guard!! yaahh! CROW: [Trinitygurl] o/~ anD iiIIIIiii wil alwayz luv U! o/~ > i feel so so special! CROW: [flatly] You go girl. TOM: Think about it, won't you? Thank you. > and the > characters are so much like themselfs in real life..! TOM: That's just... wrong... CROW: There really are people like that out there! Pearl is right! Mankind deserves to be turned into mindless slaves! They're already halfway there! MIKE: Hey! > its crazy! > poor legolas ...with katherine...!! that's so hilarous!! sounds > like something katherine would do!! MIKE: She's the kind of person who would find children falling down stairs and breaking their necks funny. > and ryan trying to clap to the > beat that so so hilarious!! (inta jesus) TOM: Um... Is she trying to be subliminal? CROW: I think the voices in her head are adding liner notes. > ...that was so awesome!! > and OMG!! CROW: *Awmbgh!* Sorry, had something caught in my throat... > jeffery! eW! TOM: Which actually has nothing to do with Jeffery; she just sat on a bug. > hes so annoying...he never leaves crystal or > anyone alone! (rememeber the guys ganging up against him@ the > bowling alley) that was funny!! MIKE: [Trinitygurl] And remember how we shoved his head into the ball return while chanting 'All retards burn in Hell!'? Hilarious! CROW: Yes, gang violence against an outsider *is* funny, isn't it? > grellow is such a awesome word!! CROW: ...if you're ten. MIKE: I think they were at the time. TOM: o/~ We all live in a grellow submarine, a grellow submarine, a grellow submarine o/~ > SEXUAL HARRASMENT PAN-DA!! that was soo funny at inta jesus!! CROW: [Trinitygurl] And that makes me a saaaaaaad fangirl! MIKE: Huh? CROW: Sad as in pathetic, Mike! Geez! Get with it, will ya! > ahahhaa... lol... aah.. memories.. MIKE: Let's all pause respectfully as trinitygurl pulls the shreds of her mind together again, all right? > orange necking CROW: Say... > was so much fun > (except all the people were like way taller than me!! and knight, > cavalier, horse was...interesting.. TOM: ...but shtoo-pid! MIKE: She uses way too many ellipses... TOM: Yeah... CROW: ...... > seeing that john was totally out > of it !! MIKE: Okay, no more Red Bull for Trinitygurl! CROW: [Trinitygurl] But... But... It gives me wings! > we were the first ones out !! (remember crystal!!) MIKE: Perhaps they've heard of a nifty little Internet tool known as 'email'.... > woah > that lori does sound like the Royal Bitch!! MIKE: [Shocked] Carolyn! How dare you use such language in front of these young, impressionable bots! TOM: Young and impressionable? Ahahahahahahahaha! MIKE: You're only ten years old, Tom. In most cases, that means that you're a little more than half the age you're supposed to be before you should be able to see half of what you watch on a regular basis. TOM: ...I'll just shut up now. > i cant wait u post the > next chapter.. MIKE: How can the letter 'u' post anything? TOM: Not the letter 'u', Mike. 'U', the penultimate king of Korea's medieval Wang dynasty! MIKE: Medieval? Presumably he's dead now, Tom, so I don't think she means him. TOM: He's more likely to post than a letter of the alphabet, Nelson! > its gonna be so hilarious ..ur right if shes the > katherine we know.. CROW: What other Katherine *could* she be? The Katherine you *don't* know? TOM: An original character in this fic? Puh-leeze! > this is gonna be an interesting night..lol.. > g2g for now see ya bye PS: the next person who critizes crystal's > story has 2 deal with me! MIKE: [Trinitygurl] PH33R MY L33T FANGURL SIDEKICK SKILLZ!!111!!. TOM: Should we be worried Mike? MIKE: Nah. CROW: Relax Tom! It's not like dimensional rifts are opening up so she could actually get to us. ALL: Uh oh. > ...if u dont like it dont read it... TOM: Oh yeah, I can see that argument being made for just about everything in the world. If you don't like those starving children, don't look at them! If you don't want to die from cancer, don't think about it! If you'd just ignore the bullets turning you into a pile of stupid dead idiot then they'd just go straight through you! Ye Gods. Way to stick up for free speech there, chief. "You can say anything you want about my story as long as it's glowing praise, otherwise SHUT UP!" People can slobber "omg omg omg th3s story rulzzzz" on your review board all they want but as soon as someone asks why you need Legolas in "The life and times of Crystal A. Cheerleading Baton," then everyone starts bitching "If you don't like it don't watch it!" CROW: Ummm... Mike... MIKE: Yes, Crow, I know. TOM: I mean, how in the blazes do you expect to get better if you filter out everything except how awesome people think you are? God *forbid* that *anyone* can find a problem with *Crystal's* story. This could be the worst example of canon debauchery that internet has ever produced--but screw what everyone else thinks, *you* are *divine*, isn't that right? "My opinion is right, and if your opinion is that I am wrong than you are wrong, and it's your fault because you don't look away from things you don't want to see." That's like saying that its the rape victim's fault because she didn't shoot the rapist in the brain as soon as she saw him! If-- [TOM starts to smoke and shake violently.] CROW: Oh my god, he's going to blow! MIKE: Not so close to the end, he's not! [MIKE picks up a ratchet and knocks TOM over the head with it, instantly immobilizing him. Then he very carefully detaches the smoking, shaking head from TOM's body, stands up, and throws the head as far as he can. A loud explosion can be heard in the distance.] CROW: Whew... [hands MIKE another Servo head] Here you go, Mike. [MIKE attaches the new head onto TOM and very slowly reactivates him.] TOM: Huh? What? Submarine! Chickens! Overwhelming! Cul-de-l'‰ne! Taco pizza! MIKE: Better, Tommy? TOM: [glaring at MIKE] At least *warn* me before you do something like that, okay? MIKE: There is no joy in that. > and thanx to all who have been supporting her!! x-silver-saffire-x this > story is based on real people! PPS: crystal!! oohh...we sings > mcavity together! TOM: [Grandma voice] You're high on the goofballs, aren't you? MIKE: [Trinitygurl] We imitates Gollum, we does, but we're even *more* evil, aren't we? CROW: Maybe Carolyn 'Trinitygurl' is Crystal's other, dumber personality. > saera: Yay Go Loreena!!! TOM: You know I'm sure that you and your reviewer found that *incredibly* amusing, but to the rest of us readers care a jot? NO! Crystal, there's this little thing called *email* that you might want to-- CROW: [retrieving another ratchet] Prepare the magic stick! TOM: *WHOAH* there! > WeasleyTwinsLover1112: Yes lets all feel for Legolas. MIKE: [Isis] But let's leave out the "for!" Tee-hee! CROW: You do it. I'm bitter. > Faila Gamgee of Sandy Dow: I'm not sure how learning about our > world will affect Legolas yet CROW: I mean, hey, I've only gone through twenty-six chapters so far... TOM: [Isis] What, like I'm supposed to decide what to write my story about *before* I write it? Bah, real writers don't do that! > so I'll have to think about that, > thanks for bringing it to my attention. > > Andray: Poor Legolas yes but it' so what Katherine would do. You'll > find out what happened to Lori in this chapter TOM: Poor Lori. MIKE: She was very brave. CROW: Imagine the torture she's going to go through at the hands of Crystal. > > Anya-Man: It just goes to show you, the more you review the more > reviews you get. MIKE: That's so Zen, man! CROW: It's that 'you massage my ego, I'll massage yours' type of thing. > Queenofdarkness: The sexual harassment panda thing is a joke I > might start using in my story, MIKE: ...in a desperate yet futile attempt to save it! > all will be explained later. TOM: Or you could just watch "South Park..." > Yes, all of us in the story are best friends; I get together with > Carolyn and Ryan especially on a regular basis outside of church. CROW: [Salaciously] I'll just bet you do! > Disclaimer: I don't own Legolas as much as I want to nor do I own > the man who plays him, Orlando Bloom, as much as I would like to > own him too. TOM: [Destinygurl] Just add slavery to my list of crimes against humanity. > I also don't own any of the songs I use in the > chapter, they all come from whoever wrote them, not me got it? I > hope so. MIKE: That's not a disclaimer, that's a warning shot! TOM: I feel so sorry for her having to take a minute of her time to write a disclaimer. > It was pretty dark by the time we walked back to the church and we > had about fifteen minutes to get ready from capture the flag. MIKE: Cool! They're setting up a "Goldeneye" tournament! > I left Legolas and went to change into 'night game' clothes. CROW: Aww, yeah! Here comes the good stuff! > Legolas was sitting in the foyer when I came out of the girl's > room, dressed in tightish black pants and an overly large, navy > blue hoody. CROW: Aw, man! MIKE: So 'night clothes' means white boy faker-wear crossed with the discount rack at Wal-Mart? TOM: Hoody-hoo! > Carolyn came out right after me dressed mostly the same > way. TOM: Tweedle-Dee...and hey, Tweedle-Dum! CROW: Befitting her sidekick status, she sported a large pink bow. > > "What's up with you?" Legolas asked. TOM: Again with the slang! > "Oh, us in the dig tam are hard-core night game players." I > answered. TOM: That's like being a hard-core bird-watcher. MIKE: Or as hardcore as a bunch of boring white kids get, at any rate. > "I see." Legolas mused. "Where's Katherine?" CROW: [Legolas] I need to get myself some more of that sweet lovin'... > > "Oh, she went to hang out with her other friend Katie Ydenburge > because we are all mad at her MIKE: She can take a hint... which puts her ahead of a *lot* of the people around here. > and she isn't so hardcore with night > games." I answered. TOM: If she was that much of a fangirl she would be latched on to Legolas so tight you would need a crowbar to get her off. CROW: Of course Crystal couldn't allow that so she zapped her out of the fic for now. > "Ahh, here are the others." TOM: I suppose that's as interesting as the evening's going to get. > > Out of the guys room came 6 people, all dressed in dark pants and > hoodies. MIKE: Oh my--it's the Socs! And they're *pissed!* > They all lined up and I started naming them off. "Meet, > Dancing queen." TOM: o/~ Fangurl Queen! / Kinda mean / Best at everything! o/~ MIKE: That bit's over now, Tom. > Ryan lowered his hood. "John as Disco loco, David > King as Canuck fan, MIKE: ...Jerry Mathers as 'The Beaver'... TOM: ...James Arness as Matt Dillon... > Stefan as Hobbit, Joe as Male nurse, CROW: ... and Paul Walker as Another Bland Lump of Manflesh. > David Shipley as Quiet and Carolyn as Little sister." CROW: [Crystal] She's like me, only less perfect. TOM: Sounds like a list of rejected GI Joe names. > "We need a name for Legolas." John said. MIKE: [Legolas] But I've already got a name! > > "Good point." Joe agreed. MIKE: [Legolas] It's "Legolas," remember? > > We went into a huddle and talked hurriedly for a few seconds, ALL: Rhubarb, rhubarb, nickname rhubarb. MIKE: [Carolyn] I still say... CROW: [Crystal] For the last time, we are NOT calling him "Deargodyourehot!" > after we broke ALL: [CLAP] BREAK! > Carolyn announced Legolas's code name. CROW: Ten bucks it's in a foreign language. TOM: You're on! > "Legolas, you will > be ParŽ (paray) meaning brother or good friend in Philippino." TOM: What! That's no fair! CROW: Hehe! Pay up! TOM: So calling him something tangential in English like "Longsword" or "Arrowhead" or "Keebler"... Right out the window, then? CROW: Sure! English doesn't exude "Cool" like a language 1/800th of the world's population speaks! > "And now ParŽ, you get your hoody." TOM: Elf Scoutz N Da Hoody! > I said handing him a black > sweatshirt with a falcon crest on the front and 03 with a bunch of > names inside it on the back. MIKE: Watch Legolas, once-proud Elf Prince, become a member of a sadistic cult. > > "What's this?" Legolas pointed to the crest. CROW: [Destinygurl] It's a bowl of soup. My school had a lame mascot. > > "That's my high school's crest and you're wearing my grade 12 grad > sweatshirt, MIKE: Legolas fits in her clothes? CROW: One size fits any character from a fictional universe! TOM: [muttering] That *shirt's* fictional, too.... > I'm wearing my grade 7 grad shirt." I answered. MIKE: What *is* it with grade 7? TOM: I'm telling you, she just graduated from that grade last year! > > After that each member of the dig team got a walkie-talkie. TOM: [walkie-talkie] Yankee 9-9er, trapped in a crappy fanfic. Over! > "With these you can talk to each other as if you were together but you > can be up to two miles apart." Ryan explained. MIKE: [Legolas] So it's like electronic telepathy then? > > "We use them to communicate about problems and stuff like that, > because, while we are playing we are also being authority figures." > Joe said. TOM: Translation - "We need to look important and stuff." CROW: [Legolas] That's neat, but show me those amazing things you call plungers again! > As we were leaving the church I saw a car pull up and Lori, with > all her stuff, got in and left, throwing a spiteful look at me as > she drove away. TOM: [Lori] Just you wait, Crystal! I'll be back in the sequel! > "It's odd, Lori seemed to think you were on dig team and could > therefore be thrown out but you've only been here for a week, MIKE: And yes, it *has* felt like forever. > it takes at least that long to fill out an application." I said. TOM: Oh, right, he can't be kicked off, but he can still participate. [pause] ...Oh my god. MIKE: What? TOM: I just figured it out. All of it. MIKE: Well? TOM: Isis is Dilbert's pointy-haired boss. That explains everything! I can so see Isis telling Carolyn to get on getting Legolas a passport even though he doesn't have a birth certificate! CROW: That... actually would be pretty cool. > "Oh well, she's never been the smartest of us all." CROW: Really? What's that say about you, dear Crystal? TOM: Yeah, when the smartest of them need a week to fill out an application... > > About 10 minutes later we got started playing capture the flag. > "The rules of capture the flag are simple, TOM: [Crystal] KILL OR BE KILLED! Bwaahaahaaaaaa!!!! > you are divided into two > team, the pink and the green." Brian started. TOM: [Joe] Legolas, you're on the pink team. MIKE: [Legolas] Why do *I* have to be on the pink team? TOM: [Joe] 'cause you're a faggot, alright? [The BOTS laugh.] MIKE: [Legolas] Why can't we pick the colors for our own teams? TOM: [Joe] Uh uh, nope, I tried that 'n it don't work. Ya always got six people fightin' over who gets to be on the black team. And no one knows each other, so no one's willing to back down. Be happy you're not on the yellow team. MIKE: [Legolas] But... the pink team? That's too close to the pussy team! Look, can't I be on the purple team? That sounds cool, that's good, I'll be on the purple team. TOM: [Joe] No you can't be on the purple team! Someone from another game's the purple team! CROW: [Crystal] Look, who cares what color your team is? MIKE: [Legolas] Oh, yeah, that's easy for you to say, you're on the green team! You've got a cool-sounding team! Alright, if it's not such a big deal, then why don't we trade? You can be on the pink team and *I'll* be on the green team! TOM: [Joe] No! No one's trading with anybody! MIKE: The Reservoir Dogs sketch, ladies and gentlemen. > > "Grellow." Somebody in the crowd called out. TOM: Mike? What's your favorite color? MIKE: Grorange of course. CROW: Funny, I always pinned you as a Grue myself. > "Grellow. ALL: Go Fish! TOM: [Brian] I don't even *care* any more... > Each team gets a glow stick as their flag and then the > opposing team has to capture your flag, get it?" Brian asked. CROW: [Crystal] Moon...prism...power! > > "If you don't get it Legolas CROW: [Crystal] ...I'll lock you in a closet and refuse to feed you until you figure it out! > just stick with us the first round." > Carolyn said. > > The people we knew from our team were John, Ryan, Carolyn Legolas > and me. We were gree- excuse me, Grellow. MIKE: Even the omniscient narrator's confused! TOM: Grellow! The greatest invention since Spamª! > Someone else from our > team got the 'flag' and went to hide it. "Legolas, guess what, > you get to be the eyes and ears of our team, and possibly the legwork > too." John stated. CROW: [Legolas] Will you people stop talking about my ears? > > "Huh?" TOM: But not the *brain* of the team. MIKE: Ah, that's our Legolas. I told you his "cool" phase wouldn't last long. > > "You're going to be the one looking from across the lines for the > flag, trying to listen to conversations about where the flag is MIKE: [Crystal] ...since they're dumb enough to talk about the hiding place... > and you might be the one going to get it, you are am CROW: [Dr. Teeth] ...is and be The Electric Mayhem! > Elf I mean, you > can move silently and such." I said. MIKE: For if you don't use them for unfair advantage in games, what are superhuman hangers-on *for?* CROW: [Legolas] I'm a freaking elf! I have infravision! Get your head out of your ass! TOM: [Crystal] You're being logical again! *smack!* > "Oohh." Legolas got it. CROW: 'Cause, right, the trained warrior would need the concept of spying on the enemy's campaign explained to him. [pause] Just shut the *fuck* up, story. MIKE: *CROW*! Watch the *language*! Good gods, there are prepubescent bots in here! CROW: Sorry, sorry... wait, WHAT? > Off in the distance a whistle blew, signalling the start of the > game. "That's our cue to exit." I took Ryan's arm and snuck away > from the group. CROW: Playing the parts of Crystal and Ryan - Fred and Daphne. > "Where are we going?" Ryan asked. > > "Across the lines." TOM: Weeknights on ESPN. > I repeated, leading him over to the little > stream, which was more like a mud puddle, it didn't move much that > separates the forest and the field. ALL: o/~ Over the river and through the woods / To Galadriel's house we go! o/~ > "Through the creek?" Ryan asked. > > "In the creek." I repeated CROW: No, you *didn't*! He said *through* the creek! Geez! > grimly. TOM: So once again Legolas will be completely ignored so *Crystal* can win the day. *sigh* CROW: Crystal, Back to the Narcissism! > > We move along silently MIKE: And a sudden tense shift comes out of nowhere! The champ is down! > trying not to think about what we were > touching, CROW: [Crystal] Thank God this time the lights weren't on! > the water's pretty gross CROW: Eww! Icky water! > and so is the shore. MIKE: [Crystal] All that nature and stuff! Ew! > After a > while we crossed the divider line and moved into enemy territory. TOM: ...the Neverland Ranch. MIKE: Ouch! > "Shh." Ryan hissed, not that we were making any noise but he heard > something. MIKE: So then he's just *made* a noise for the something to hear.... > > "Where's the flag?" someone asked. > > "It's hidden in the grass, between the jail and the middle line." > The other person replied. TOM: [someone] You hear us over there, Crystal? > Ryan and I looked at each other and nodded, we'd go after the flag > as soon as the coast was clear, the problem was that the 'creek' > was right beside the main path so it took a long time for the coast > to be clear. CROW: Of course, by that time, The Red Team had captured the flag and had all the Grellows shipped to Guantanamo. MIKE: So, instead of taking the main path they walk in the creek next to the path? TOM: Brilliant strategy! Thanks Napoleon! > "Have you seen Crystal and Ryan?" John asked a person on the other > side of the line. CROW: [Joe] They probably snuck off somewhere to have heathen sex. MIKE: [John] What, *again?* > "I think they're in jail." CROW: Were they deserve to be. MIKE: Jail? What sort of nutball Canadian abasement of Capture the Flag is this? TOM: Crystal was busted for atrocious writing, chronic egotism, unrelieved banality, and rampant insensitivity. Ryan was nabbed for surpassing Richard Simmons for sheer annoyance. In a moment, the results of that trial. > The person that was revealed to be Joe > answered. MIKE: Fraternization! To the penalty box with him! TOM: You know that when the other team puts their identifies across that clumsily, Grellow's victory is assured! > > Meanwhile we had to stifle laughter, even our own team didn't know > where we were. TOM: Co-ordination? Teamwork? Meh! Who needs it? CROW: Yeah, disappear so your own team can't account for you. Great plan. MIKE: We don't care a whit for anything anyone else is trying, and it's *funny!* > But we didn't stifle it enough apparently because > Joe asked the other guard. "Do you hear something?" TOM: You mean like the other team sneaking past us? Nah. > > Ryan and I looked at each other and he nodded. MIKE: [Crystal] We readied our suicide capsules. We would not be taken alive. > "One two three go." > We burst out of the bushes and made a run for it, straight into the > waist high grass. We ran and somehow did not trip; I spotted the > flag and picked it up. Brian was coming for me, there were about > ten of them following us. "Green pyro man." TOM: So *that's* how the British Columbia wildfires started! > I yelled into the > walkie-talkie. TOM: [walkie-talkie] Snootie-wookie pants, this is Black Mamba Viper Stealth Scorpion, over. > > "Panther?" CROW: [Carolyn] T'Challa? > Carolyn asked. "We've been trying to contact y-." MIKE: So why not use that wonderful telepathy from a few chapters back? > I cut her off. MIKE: Cut her off? On a walkie-talkie? CROW: Yep, she's never used a walkie-talkie before. > > "We've got the flag." With this I crossed the line and fell onto > the grass, Ryan close behind me. "WE'VE GOT THE FLAG!!!!!" I > yelled, so the most of the team could hear. TOM: Didn't they just hear you on the walkie-talkie? MIKE: See the other team's gross incompetence compared to Crystal. > > The message was passed along and soon we heard the whistle > signalling the end of the game. "We did it." Ryan said happily. CROW: And the titanic struggle comes to an smashing conclusion...with a single score. TOM: And there was much rejoicing. ALL: [Deadpan] Yay. > "At least sitting in the mud for half an hour paid off, if it > hadn't that would have sucked." I agreed. CROW: [Ryan] You mean *you* didn't grow to like it... I've said too much again, haven't I? > > "Panther." TOM: [Crystal] AAAHH! Where?! > Carolyn said coming over to me with Legolas in tow. [ALL make various truck driving noises] > "Where were you this whole time? No one could find you." TOM: [Carolyn] No one really cared to try but... > "We were in the 'creek' between the path and the forest." Here I > started laughing hysterically. TOM: Is calling it a "creek" really *that* hilarious? CROW: [Carolyn] She's off her keester again. Joe, go inside and dial the number listed under 'Crystal's handlers'. > "No one knew where we were? > Absolutely no one?" TOM: [Crystal] My utter disregard for my teammates amuses me! > "We tried to tell you we heard where the flag was." Legolas said. MIKE: [Legolas] I thought that was my job and all-- CROW: [Crystal] Hush. I'm boasting. > > "We turned the walkie talkies off so no one could hear us." Ryan > explained. CROW: Then why did you even have them in the first place!?!?!? > > I continued laughing. "We were three feet from the main path and no > one knew we were there." TOM: Yeah, that's real funny there, Yakov. CROW: [Crystal] Poking everyone's eyes out paid off! > > We played capture the flag for another hour at least, three rounds > were completed, we won one and lost two, but both were really > close. CROW: If only she described her defeats with the same loving care she gives her victories... > > "I'm so muddy I don't know what to do with myself." I complained as > we walked back to the church. TOM: How about feeling smug about carrying away so much prime bottom land? CROW: Or conduct experiments with detergent! > > "Crystal, it's your fault, quit complaining." Carolyn said quickly. ALL: Thank you! TOM: God, we're thanking Carolyn? MIKE: This story has now officially gone to hell in a handbasket. CROW: Just now? > > After we changed everybody went into the gym for another service. TOM: Man, this is one *slow* tennis game. > > They started with one of the most upbeat songs we sing and people > started jumping around. CROW: It's the popcorn song! MIKE: NO! PLEASE I BEG OF YOU! NO MORE SONGS! TOM: We've got to do something! Mike's going to lose it! CROW: I'll get the hammer! > Oh I could sing unending songs Of how you saved my soul Well I > could dance a thousand miles Because of your great love MIKE: Why me! WHY ME! I DON'T DESERVE THIS! I *BONK*.... CROW: [Tossing away a hammer] That felt good. TOM: Maybe we could have come up with a less violent method. BOTS: Nah! > > My heart is bursting Lord To tell of all you've done Of how you > changed my life And wiped away the past I wanna shout it out From > every rooftop sing For now I know that God Is for me not against me TOM: [God] Well, it was an 'if-you-can't-beat-'em-join-'em' case. > > Oh I could sing unending songs TOM: [Isis] o/~ But I think I'll just stick to unending fanfics o/~ > Of how you saved my soul Well I > could dance a thousand miles Because of your great love MIKE: No offense, Crystal, but without music this loses... Everything in the translation. > "Are you going to mosh or are you just going to stand there?" I > asked Legolas. CROW: [Legolas] I'm pretty much just going to stand here. > > "Mosh?" He asked. TOM: A church moshpit? CROW: They really *are* Jesus Freaks! > "Jump, be excited, praise." I answered. TOM: Mike, is this speaking in tongues? [MIKE chuckles.] CROW: Okay, that definitely is *not* moshing. > > "Sure." TOM: Jeez, don't sound so excited. MIKE: [Legolas] Yeah, watch me groove. Whee. > My heart is bursting BOTS: We only wish. > Lord To tell of all you've done Of how you > changed my life And wiped away the past I wanna shout it out! TOM: [falsetto] o/~ Shout it! / Shout it! / Shout it out loud! o/~ > From every rooftop sing For now I know that God Is for me not against me MIKE: [Crystal] He is, however, against Lori...and Jeffery! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha! > Oh I could sing unending songs Of how you saved my soul Well I > could dance a thousand miles Because of your great love > > "You know what this song is called?" I asked. CROW: [Legolas] "Generic Christian Pop Song #12?" TOM: [Crystal, indignant] *GASP!* How did you know that?! > "I don't know." Legolas said. > > "The happy song, the name fits doesn't it?" I answered. MIKE: [Legolas] Since I'm contemplating suicide listening to it, no, not especially. > > Everybody's singing now Cause we're so happy Everybody's dancing > now Cause we're so happy MIKE: Mmm... it's still a *little* obscure. > > If only we could see your face And see you smiling over us And > unseen angels celebrate For joy is in this place CROW: But wouldn't all the invisible upset devils kind of even things out? > > Oh I could sing unending songs TOM: NO! CROW: [Looks around for the hammer] > Of how you saved my soul Well I > could dance a thousand miles Because of your great love > > Oh I could sing unending songs ALL: You are! > Of how you saved my soul Well I > could dance a thousand miles Because of your great love > > Oh I could sing unending songs TOM: And you've gone a long ways towards proving it! > Of how you saved my soul Well I > could dance a thousand miles Because of your great love CROW: The fic is skipping! Pearl! TOM: [Head is smoking] PEARL: [Via Intercom] Hmm... *Bang Bang Bang* That should do it. > > I could dance a thousand miles For you. my Lord > > Oh I could dance a thousand miles For you. my Lord CROW: That's better. > > "Is this normal of a service?" Legolas asked. CROW: [Legolas] I mean, where's the wine and the dancing maidens and the king's feast? What kind of god's service is a bunch of kids jumping round to the most putrid music this side of Mordor? > > "This is normal for a teen service, TOM: [Crystal] Solemn respect towards the Creator of the Universe? Fooey, I wanna dance! MIKE: So, rythymless, free-form music, spastic dancing, spontaneous fistfights, and random games of "Pin The Tail on the Jeffery" are "normal?" CROW: This isn't Canada, it's Jonestown! > on Sundays it's a little more > subdued, CROW: Tranquilizers all around, baby! > you should have seen Inta Jesus, our youth retreat, CROW: [Crystal] Especially when the cops showed! We made Ruby Ridge look like a love-in! > we have services like this twice a day for four days, TOM: [Crystal, laughing] No, of course it's not brainwashing. We aren't *Godless!* > it's wonderful, > and it's not just services at Inta Jesus we do all sorts of fun > stuff, water balloon fights, MIKE: Or as they like to call them, baptisms-on-the-sly! > we go swimming, and we play lost of > night games, like gargon, mission impossible and capture the flag, > it's great." I answered. TOM: [Legolas] Note to self: describe this "Inta Jesus" to council. Possible new form of interrogation. > After a few more songs Michelle spoke for a little while and then > the worship team started again. MIKE: [Michelle] Okay service, you've been keeping up on your conversions, but you're starting to fall behind on your persecutions of minority groups! John! Your sheet shows that you've only set 15 goths on fire this week! That can't go on! Tomorrow I want you to have interrupted *17* satanic rituals by *lunchtime*, and there will be no excuses! Is that clear? > Is it true today that when people pray? Cloudless skies will break; > Kings and Queens will shake Yes it's true and I believe it, I'm > living for you MIKE: ...Well that explains how Bush is president of the United States. > > Is it true today, that when people pray We'll see dead men rise CROW: Haley Joel Osment - nooo!!! > and the blind set free [Out of nowhere, two young men pop up in front of MIKE and the BOTS] ALL: Gaaaaaa!!! BRYAN/JAMES: Hey ho! BRYAN: I'm Bryan! JAMES: I'm James! BOTH: We'll be set free! [Both men disappear] CROW: What...the feck...was that! MIKE: I refuse to even entertain that question. > Yes, it's true and I believe it I'm living for > you TOM: o/~ It's the Night of the Living Dead theme song o/~ > > I'm gonna be a History Maker CROW: o/~ Got my time machine ready and everything! o/~ > in this land I'm gonna be a speaker of > truth to all mankind I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna run Into your arms, > into your arms again TOM: [Singing hysterically] o/~ I'm gonna be a History Maker in this land I'm gonna be a speaker of truth to all mankind I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna run into your arms, into your -- o/~ CROW: [picks up the hammer and bashes Tom in the head] Pull yourself together, man! TOM: Whew. I needed that. > > Well, it's true today that when people stand With the fire of God > and the truth in hand We'll see miracles; we'll see angels sing > We'll see broken hearts making history Yes it's true and I believe > it I'm living for you MIKE: That's nice, dear. Now could you *really* believe in long, long silences? > I'm gonna be a History Maker in this land I'm gonna be a speaker of > truth to all mankind I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna run Into your arms, > into your arms again TOM: So when you complain about my crashing into your arms, don't say I didn't warn you! > > I'm gonna be a History Maker in this land I'm gonna be a speaker of > truth to all mankind I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna run Into your arms, > into your arms again CROW: Hey, Isis! Pick up the needle! The fic's skipping, again! > Into your arms, into your arms again Into your arms, into your arms > again Into your arms MIKE: [officious] Lyrics by Venus De Milo. > > The worship team sat down and Brian came up to address everybody. TOM: [Brian] Okay... You - you're "1313 Mockingbird Lane." You - you're "1600 Pennsylvania Ave." > "How's everyone feeling?" He asked. MIKE: [Brian] Enjoying the songs Crystal's ripping off and not even crediting to their writers? > A general murmur of things was > heard from the crowd. ALL: [mumbling] Things things things... > "Well we still have a ways to go ALL: NOOOOOO!!!! > so don't > tire yourselves out yet. In about five minutes we'll leave to go > for slurpees. You can get into groups of who you want to go with > and then we'll pair you up with a driver. After the slurpee run > we'll have a bit of free time and then play Gargon." MIKE: Hey, guys! They're gonna play "Gargon!" CROW: Cool! TOM: Yeah, Gargon's the best! [pause] ALL: What the heck is Gargon? > We got together in a group. "So who gets to go with Crystal?" John > started CROW: [John] The bidding starts at the price of your immortal soul. TOM: [Crystal] That's right, fleshlings, it is a *privilege* to go with your lord and master to get slurpees! Kneel and adulate me! Is adulate a word? IT IS NOW! HAH! > to ask but Jeffery came over and tried to talk to me. CROW: [Jeffery, awkwardly] Umm... If I said you had a beautiful body, could I see myself in your pants? > "Crystal, can I ride on your motorbike?" He asked. > > "No, that honour is reserved for my closest friends." I hissed. MIKE: And conjured-up elves. CROW: Crystal *is* Angela Anaconda. > "No fair! They always get to do stuff with you!" Jeffery yelled. CROW: Well, what part of "my closest FRIENDS" is escaping you? MIKE: [Jeffery] Um... The "My?" > "Jeff, what did we tell you about leaving us alone?" I growled. CROW: [Jeffery] You said come up to you every once in a while so you could look tough in front of Legol--Ow! TOM: [Crystal] Yes, thank you, Jeffrey! You run along and play now.... > Legolas flashed his knife TOM: [Jeffery] OOOOH, SHINY! > and Jeffery left. MIKE: Hopefully in disgust. > "Thank you ParŽ." > Carolyn said. CROW: ...for threatening to commit murder? ALL: BOOOOOO!!! MIKE: [Shaking his head] Be not proud, Legolas. Be not proud... > "No problem." Legolas replied. TOM: [Legolas] Bullying socially retarded spazzes is what I do! MIKE: [Legolas] So much for violence not being the answer, eh Crystal? Told ya that was bunk. > "I think you should go with Crystal, seeing as you were the one who > stopped Jeffery from doing so." Joe suggested. MIKE: Ah, yes! The ultimate reward: Getting to ride Crystal's motorbike. CROW: Is that a euphemism? MIKE: Oh, PLEASE don't go there! > As much as Legolas protested that he didn't like bikes it had been > decided he was to go with me. CROW: For Joe's suggestions decide for all! > We rode out and got there first. > "Good, we won't have runny slurpees." ALL: "Runny slurpees?" > Once everyone was back at the > church people were allowed to spread out and do as they please. MIKE: Whoa, it's Woodstock at Crystal's church. > Legolas and I were sitting in the gym and I was showing him one of > my talents. CROW: MMMMWAH! Goodnight, everybody! > "This Legolas, is a fiddle, TOM: I'm sorry, I'm sorry...a what? MIKE: I never thought I'd say this, but Jeff Foxworthy was right: There *are* rednecks everywhere! CROW: [Crystal] *That* Legolas is a bassoon! > it's an instrument I play." > I played a five second piece, to show him the sound. MIKE: [Legolas] So how, exactly, is this different from the fiddles I've heard hundreds of humans, elves, and hobbits play? CROW: [Crystal] Because I'm playing it! Duh! > "I'm going to > be practicing for a little while, if you want to stay by all means > go ahead." I started playing a slow, sad sounding song TOM: [slow, whiny] o/~ 2 Legit....2 Legit....2 Quiiiiit... o/~ > and all of a > sudden I was joined by what sounded like a wood flute. TOM: [Crystal] So shall I write it, so shall it be! OTHERS: AMEN! > I looked up > to see Legolas playing exactly what I said it would be, a small > wooden flute. CROW: Hey, you skipped ahead in the fic and peeked! > "Where did you get that?" I asked. TOM: Legolas looked at her sidelong and answered, "You don't want to know." > > "I've always had it I just never use it." Legolas answered. MIKE: I've always had it. Plot contrivance #172. CROW: No, that's "I just found it somewhere." This is Plot contrivance #127. MIKE: Oh. > "Do you mind if I join you?" > > "No, of course not, I'd love to jam with you." MIKE: Jam? With a flute and a violin? [chuckles] TOM: Oh, she's playing a *violin*. > I started up my > fiddle again TOM: This time, it only took one pull on the cord. > and this time I wasn't startled when Legolas started > playing. CROW: [Crystal] Then we started into the most kick-ass rendition of "One Nation Under A Groove" EVER! TOM: Since when do you jam on a violin and a wooden flute? MIKE: Since now. > After a little while Carolyn came over to us just as I was saying. > "I would love to play one of my favourite songs for you but I need > an acoustic guitar." MIKE: Oh, God! She's gonna play "Stairway To Heaven!" Somebody stop her! TOM: I'd ask why she couldn't just play him the fiddle parts of that song... But she might tell us. > "I could go and borrow Josh's, I know what song you're talking > about." Carolyn said hurrying away. CROW: I'm sure Josh always carries his acoustic guitar with him. > > A few minutes she came back with Josh's guitar. TOM: What a sudden abundance of musical instruments. > "This song is > called musical priest CROW: Is his name Judas? > and it's one of our favourites." She said, > starting with a quick moving part of the song TOM: Yeah, I like that part much better than the part that doesn't move. MIKE: Okay, she knows absolutely nothing about music, either. > and I accompanied > slowly in the background. Then she stopped and I played one of the > fastest songs I know with her accompanying. CROW: This is one *weird* version of "Whiplash!" > Sooner or later Ryan came over to us. MIKE: "Sooner or later?" Shouldn't you know, being the author and all? > "Can I use the acoustic guitar?" He asked. ALL: Kabooonnnnnnng!!! > > "If you get me Michelle's electric guitar I'll give you the > acoustic." Carolyn reasoned. TOM: Intense instrument-trading action! MIKE: Everyone carries their musical instruments with them in the Crystal-verse. > > Ryan came back with the white guitar and an amp. We played for a > while then Joe and Stefan joined us. "If we go up to the stage we > can add drums and my bass." Joe said. CROW: When did this become an episode of Josie and the Pussycats all of a sudden? > "Sounds good." I agreed. After playing for a while a small crowd > gathered around us. CROW: Now all they need is a barn, and they can put on the best show *ever!* > "Before you play your next song let me do something." David hooked > up all the guitars and my fiddle to the sound system MIKE: ...How the sh`g do you hook a fiddle into an amplifier? > and put a mike > up by Legolas's flute. "Crystal are there lyrics to your songs?" CROW: Mostly choruses. Y'know "Crystal rules!" "Damn, I'm Good!" That sort of thing. > "Some, but I don't think people want to hear this." ALL: YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, SISTER! > I protested as David set up a mike in front of me. TOM: Protested, ha! [British] You're not foolin' anyone, you know. > He turned on the sound and nodded. "Switchback Reel." I said. MIKE: Well, let me talk to the AV guy about that. > Ryan, Carolyn and I knew what we were doing, Legolas had a pretty good > idea MIKE: Given you're using a bunch of instruments he's never seen before, playing songs he's never heard of using a completely different musical system from the one he knows, yeah, I'm sure he's *right* with you. > but the other two were in the dark, TOM: As always. > they just played what they > felt sounded good. TOM: [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: 'Haphazard Cacophony'! > "One, two, three, MIKE: FIVE! BOTS: Three, sire! > four." [ALL mimic various guitar riffs, drum beats, and shrieking faux-Alanis Morrisette vocals, none of which is in rhythm with others.] CROW: Blabarahbara Timmah! > I started with a solo > on the fiddle and CROW: [Crystal] ...tried to figure out why everyone was covering their ears and rolling round on the floor with tears streaming from their eyes. > then Carolyn added in a little electric guitar. > The whole song was basically Carolyn and I going back and forth on > our instruments TOM: So since Carolyn is Mary-Sue's younger sister Martha-Sue, could this be considered musical masturbation? > and everyone else joining in occasionally. [ALL hum "Dueling Banjos".] TOM: Sounds like the Mandrell sisters on peyote. > When we > finished the crowd clapped. > > "Get ready for Little Beggerman." CROW: o/~ Beggerman! Beggerman! Does whatever a beggar can! o/~ TOM: o/~ Get your windshield clean as hell. Hope that you don't mind the smell o/~ MIKE: o/~ Oh crap! Here comes the Beggerman! o/~ > I fiddled and sung, don't ask how > but I did. TOM: [Crystal] I just bent reality to my will again! CROW: [Crystal] Do not question my AUTHORI-TAH! > I am a little begger TOM: Nothing like starting off with unvarnished honesty! > and a beggin I have been MIKE: o/~ I've been a-beggin at the widow next door. She's been a beggar seven times before o/~ > For three score or more in this little isle of green > > And I'm known from the Liffey down to Tessague > > Known by the name of ould Johnnie Dhu CROW: o/~ Johnny Donny Dhu, where are you? We got some fic to pad out! o/~ > Of all the trades a-goin' sure the beggin is the best MIKE: I've heard that about begging. TOM: Oh yes! The earning potential is unlimited, and the benefits kick ass! CROW: Not to mention the job security! > For when a man is tired he can lay him down and rest TOM: o/~ Don't be needin' no grammar to pass the begger test o/~ > > Beg for his supper when there's nothin' else to do CROW: o/~ Get beaten and kicked and his face rubbed in poo o/~ TOM: Of course if no one gives it to him he'll starve but otherwise it's a great job. > > Than to cut around the corner with his ould ricadoo MIKE: Uh, with his *what?* CROW: I guess begging *is* the preferred option. > I slept in a barn way down Carrabawn > > I was wet for the mornin'n ALL: EEEWWWW! CROW: Oh god--bleeeeccchhh! TOM: My brain! My brain! > and I slept 'till the dawn ALL: EWW!!! > With the hole in the roof and the rain comin' through ALL: Oh. > The cats and the rats they were playin' peek-a-boo TOM: o/~ With little boy blue and the man in the moon! o/~ > > Who should awaiken but the woman of the house TOM: He was under the distinct impression he had picked Sleeping Beauty's barn. > > With her white spotty apron and her calico blouse CROW: o/~ With her hair in a permanent and her buttons askew, said "You're not the pool boy, but I guess you'll do." o/~ > She began to frighten when I said boo MIKE: AHHH!!! Don't Dhu that! TOM: Dhu stop doing that! > > I said now don't be afraid ma'm It's just Johnnie Dhu MIKE: Um, have you ever considered *that* was why she was frightened? > > I met a little flaxon haired girl one day CROW: o/~ She drank strawberry juice and ran the kids' crew! o/~ > > "Good morning little flaxon haired girl" I'd say TOM: o/~ She said "I've a name sir, that's Marrissa to you!" o/~ > "Good morning little beggerman and how do you do > > With your rags and your bags and your ould ricadoo?" MIKE: [Girl] I would not, could not in the hay I still not, will not any way I will not visit your ricadoo You make me nauseous, Johnny Dhu. > "I have a pair of goggles and a collar and a tie MIKE: o/~ And my name, don't you see, is Mr. Magoo! o/~ > > And a nice young lady I shall fetch by and by" TOM: Well, it *is* nice of him to give forewarning. MIKE: Who's talking now? CROW: Who cares? > > "Oh I have a pair of goggles I shall colour them blue TOM: [Johnny] Those will go great with my Pimphats.com stuff! > And an old fashioned lady I will make for you" CROW: Eww... He's crashing at Ye Olde Mustang Ranch! > Over the hill with a pack on my back > > Over the hill with a great and heavey sack MIKE: o/~ The Grinch made his way to the village of Who! o/~ > With holes in my shoes and the toes comin' through TOM: o/~ I lost it all on NASDAQ, and so might you o/~ > > Singin' skiddy-me-rinky-doollum for ould Johnnie Dhu TOM: And everyone rejoices as the promised crossover with "The Elephant Show" materializes. MIKE: o/~ There she was just a walking down the street, singing- o/~ ALL: Skiddy-me-rinky-doollum-doo! > Better get to goin' for it's gettin' late at night CROW: o/~ Gotta buy summore cheap vodka for my nightly delight o/~ > > Fire's all raked and out goes the light > > Now you've heard the story of my ould ricadoo MIKE: And let me tell you, we won't soon forget it! > > It's good-night and god-bless from ould Johnnie Dhu CROW: Mr. Dhu? There's some lawyers from Red Skelton's estate who'd like to speak with you... > When it was over I was nearly hyperventilating MIKE: Now if only she would asphyxiate. > because MIKE: [Crystal] I knew I only had seconds to reach the door before the crowd realized Rush wasn't here. > the song was > so fast but I was rewarded with a huge applause. CROW: She put it on the shelf with the other huge applause she'd got at the raffle last year. > I beamed with > pleasure and said. TOM: [Crystal] Now if you'll pass round the collection plate, donations to the Church of Crystal are now being accepted. > "I think it's time for us to set up for Gargon > but I might play again later if you want." ALL: NO! > > With that we left the stage and put away our instruments. > > > > > > > [ALL stare blankly at the screen which is, itself, now blank] TOM: I...is that it? CROW: Can it be... [They wait a few more seconds, then begin cheering uproariously] MIKE: Come on, you two! We've got some inane celebrating of our own to do! BOTS: Let's roll! [They all stand and exit rather quickly] ***** [SOL Bridge. With the end of the fictional tyranny, everything is back to normal on the Satellite of Love. Mike, Tom and Crow walk out of the theater.] MIKE: Man, I'm glad that's over and everything's back to normal! TOM: You said it, Mike! CROW: Indeed! I don't have narration running through my head at all hours anymore! And you'd better believe that's a plus! MIKE: You know, guys, through this ordeal, we've forgotten just one thing. CROW: To get that bald kid to make us some hottie elves before he destroyed the dimensional machine? TOM: That conflict and violence are at the seat of all fiction and if man actually lived out his fantasies, he'd be in for a world of hurt? MIKE: No! Pearl and Bobo and Brain Guy! Who knows what might have happened to them during that big fictional fracas? TOM: Um... and we should care? MIKE: Yeah, we should... it would be nice... umm... we just should, okay? CROW: Indeed! For all we know she could have been eaten by vampire orcs or locked in a theater forced to watch failed TV pilots by the cast of 'Friends'! Wouldn't that be cool? [Mads light blinks.] MIKE: Oh, Pearl's "I know you're talking about me" light is on. How are you, Pearl? [Castle Forrester.] PEARL: Oh, pretty good. While your little fiction thing was on, I just had a delightful little conversation with some old colleagues of mine--Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Mussolini... [SOL Bridge.] TOM: Wait a second! They aren't fictional characters! [Castle Forrester.] PEARL: According to a recent poll, they are... I would have liked to chat with Sauron though, but that same poll said he was real! Anyway, I got some new tips on how to conquer the world, and then some Vogon guys dropped by a while back and gave me some of their poetry! Looks like we'll be having a *lot* of fun over the next couple... years! [*gleeful laughter*] [SOL Bridge.] CROW: Should I put the arsenic in your tea now, Mike? TOM: So let me get this straight... we and the whole rest of the universe have been fighting a battle of monumental proportions against the deepest, darkest horrors of man's imagination, and you've been sitting around having TEA PARTIES with DICTATORS?!?!?!?! [Castle Forrester.] PEARL: Well, it hasn't *all* been cakes and roses down here, Tommy-kins. Bobo here has been caterwauling all afternoon ever since his new girlfriend ran off with another ape... [Camera pans to Bobo, who is slumped on the floor, head buried in his arms.] BOBO: But she *said* that Dr. Cornelius meant *nothing* to her! *SOB!!!* PEARL: And Brain Guy! He won't shut up either! He's even loonier than usual! [Observer walks in, wearing a thread-worn and obvious wig on his bald cranium.] BRAIN GUY: Ciao, everyone... I just came back from closing the Spaulding account! Now it's off to the gym for a round of lacrosse or two, then I gotta meet Julie down at Wolfgang Puck's for some cocktails and then we'll hit the streets for a night on *the* town! Who knew that having hair would take me to the top of my game, yeah! PEARL: Would you just *take that thing off*? Do you even know where it's been? BRAIN GUY: No can do, babe. Thanks to this the chicks are drawn to me like flies! PEARL: Uhhhhggghhh... one last time, that's Captain Kirk's toupee, you moron! [Observer throws off the wig and thrashes it around the room.] BRAIN GUY: Aaaaauuggghh!!! Disgusting!!! Get it off me!!! Cooties! Yuck!!! PEARL: He he he he... now, let's see, Nelbuggy, which of these Vogon poems shall I send you first-- [Suddenly glass shatters and wood splinters as hundreds of crack Oompa-Loompa shock troops, pastry tubes at the ready, break through the castle, coming in through every side, up through the floor and down from the ceiling. In seconds they have Pearl, Bobo and Observer completely surrounded. Korgoth, their supreme high leader, makes his way through the ranks and addresses Pearl, head to... well, waist.] KORGOTH: So we meet again, Pearl Forrester. You thought that you could take over the world, didn't you? But you shall soon see that it is not *you* who will rule the world, it is *I*, Korgoth, Phantom Dictator of the Oompa-Loompa Liberation Army! PEARL: [yawn] That's nice. What are you going to do, pipsqueak, cover my knee- caps in chocolate icing? KORGOTH: Your levity is refreshing, Pearl Forrester, but soon it will come to an end! We will soon dispatch you and your worthless minions and then nothing will stand between me and world domination! BOBO: [recently jarred from his self-pity] Hey, who ya calling "minions"? PEARL: Oh, is this one of those deals where you throw me down some chocolate- based trap and then reveal my moral flaws through song? Well, it won't work on me, pal. I know I might have made some mistakes in my life, but by gum, I'm proud of the evil, lowlife sinner I've become. And I don't even *like* chocolate. [Bending down to push her face into Korgoth's] So do your worst, cream-puff! KORGOTH: You will soon be eating your words, large woman, for thanks to you we have an even better tactic! You see, we have been monitoring your satellite communications for quite some time now... he he he he... let's just say you have just met your destiny.... gurl! PEARL: Oh. BOBO: My. BRAIN GUY: God. PEARL: In. BOBO: Heaven. BRAIN GUY: No. KORGOTH: [chuckling] Hit it, boys! [The Oompa-Loompas pull out guitars, fiddles, flutes and drums, and begin to play.] OOMPA-LOOMPAS: o/~ I wanna go deeper But I don't know how to swim I wanna be meeker But have you seen this old Earth? I wanna fly higher But these arms won't take me there I wanna be I wanna be o/~ BRAIN GUY: [clutching his brain] Oh, it hurts, it hurts! OOMPA-LOOMPAS: o/~ Maybe I could run Maybe I could fly To you Do you feel the same? o/~ BOBO: Willpower... fading... urge to mosh... rising... OOMPA-LOOMPAS: o/~ When all you see is blame in me And the wonder of it all Is that I'm living just to fall More in love with you And the wonder of it all Is that I'm living just to fall More in love with you o/~ PEARL: [holding her ears] Make it stop! Make it stop! Kill Bobo and Brain Guy if you must, but please, make it stop! KORGOTH: [addressing Mike and the bots on the camera] What are you still doing here? Show's over, folks. Move along, nothing to see here. [looks up] Oh, heh... [Screen cuts to static, and then fades out to credits.] ===== All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. Lord of the Rings and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl/Isis, and she's welcome to it. All fan-created characters are properties of their original authors. All songs are (apparently) owned by the RIAA; we'll probably be hearing from them soon. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003-2004 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. And if you're wondering about just how braindead people can be about their own history, browse to: http://news.independent.co.uk/uk/this_britain/story.jsp?story=508517 ----- Last updated: 31 May 2004 - Send comments to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com > "Katherine is obsessed with you, I mean really obsessed, not just > your average fan-girl obsessed... she started making out with your > poster, well actually it was Crystal's poster of you." Carolyn > said. "That can't be good." Legolas gulped. "Wait, Crystal has a poster > of me?"