MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Part 7 of 9 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, Chan-wu Yi, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random, Typewriter Monkey and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey Missed Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 or 6? Catch the ongoing "Legolas" saga at: http://www.geocities.com/rivercityrandom [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > ********************************************************************* > 19. Hammocks > A/N: Just to clear up something, no I'm not actually telekinetic ALL: [Sarcastically] NOOO! CROW: Come *on!* If she really was telekinetic, you think she'd be writing this rambling, pointless story? MIKE: She well might. > I just > have always thought it would be cool to be so I wrote me being > telekinetic in my story, MIKE: Wow, author putting herself in a story and giving her supernatural powers she doesn't have in real life because its "really cool". Hmm, where have we seen *that* before? TOM: So we're not even pretending this isn't a Mary Sue now, eh? > also I'm not telepathic with anyone CROW: That's not the case either? I was so *sure...* > but I do > usually think the same thing as Carolyn so it's almost like we can talk > to each other in our minds. TOM: [Crystal] Hey, you remember that time... CROW: [Carolyn] Oh, at the place... TOM: [Crystal] And there was that guy... CROW: [Carolyn] The one who looked like... TOM: [Crystal] Yeah, remember what he did... CROW: [Carolyn] Oh yeah... > In the story I will only put in thought > speech between Carolyn and I when it is necessary to the story. CROW: Welp, glad that's over then. [gets up to leave] MIKE: Come back here... [pulls Crow back down] > > > > KindCalypso: Thank you for your review you're now the second one to > review more than once and that makes me happy. MIKE: That makes me weep for my species. > > > > x-silver-saffire-x: We're not rich, just smart (that's the Ikea slogan > if you didn't catch that) MIKE: I thought it was the motto of liberal arts grads everywhere. > > > > WeasleyTwinsLover1112: I'm so happy that you like Rose Red too, CROW: "Happy" versus "so happy," or WeasleyTwinsLover1112 to KindCalypso: Eat my dust! > you're > the first person I've met (outside of my friends whom I showed it to) > that likes Rose Red. TOM: [Destinygurl] Do you like Waterworld, too? Ishtar? Freddy Got Fingered? MIKE: Hey, Waterworld wasn't all that bad... well, if you ignore the plot... and Kevin Costner's.... non-acting... it, um, had great explosions... CROW: ... You smoked, and you didn't share. I thought you were my friend... > > > > You might want to get familiar with this saying and how to say it MIKE: [Destinygurl] 'I'm *not* gonna pay a lot for this muffler!' > because it's something that Ryan and Joe say a lot By the way this is > not meant to offend anyone TOM: I'm offended. CROW: I'm *very* offended. TOM: I'm more offended than *you* are-- MIKE: Okay, okay... > I just think it is a very funny saying that > Ryan or Joe say quite a bit. MIKE: [sighing] A saying so nice, she *introduced* it twice! CROW: [Crystal] Got that? It's Ryan and Joe's joke! No, really! > (Fake Punjabi accent) CROW: Today's offensive appropriation of ethnicity is all about fine discernment! > Samosas MIKE: What is that...Metroid cereal? > and brevridges with be served by (Mike Wisouski is said like the little > monsters say it in monsters inc.) Mike Wisouski (Back to fake Punjabi > accent) MIKE: Okay, I'm offended, but that just might be the start of a voice acting career. > at the tabernacle in Kazakhstan just outside Kerplakistan. [Utter silence. Crickets chirp.] MIKE: Five of the six voices in my head just committed suicide. TOM: I thank God I wore my corset, because I think my sides have split. > And yes the word brevridges is not a typo it is exactly how they say it. TOM: Brevridges are the soul of wit. CROW: Or not, in this case. > The word is spelt (and said) B-R-E-V-R-I-D-G-E-S. MIKE: Sweet Jesus! Crystal, do we look blind to you? You just spelt it two lines ago! TOM: Geez, Destinygurl makes Apu from The Simpsons look politically correct. > > > > On Thursday morning I got up very early as I had a busy day today. CROW: I needed to get on with some bits of shouting I've got to do. > By 7:30 I was ready to go I left a note on the kitchen counter telling > Legolas and Carolyn that I would be back around 3:00. CROW: [Legolas, sinister] Oh yes, Crystal, and so will I! Vwa ha ha ha ha ha!! > I left hoping to > get to my 8:00 accounting class on time. MIKE: Accounting class? Won't this interfere with her mindless wandering? CROW: Mike, it's Crystal! She only needs one class and *BANG!* She's knows accounting. > After accounting I taught a > tambourine class MIKE: [Laughing] A *WHAT* class? CROW: It's a *tambourine*! What's to teach?! TOM: [Crystal] Strike the tambourine against your other hand thusly--*jingle*. Right, that's all for to-day. > (every other Thursday) in the summer and then finally > at 12:30 I had an Irish dancing class. CROW: [Crystal] Rrrright, jusht uh, shtumble to the left there, right, then-- yesh, you have a, err, queshtion? TOM: [Joe] How do we... er... tell which way's left when the room's all spinning? CROW: [Crystal] Hey, hey you! You ca--you came to clash... *shober*! Look, thish aint no god damn frickin' shiddy counnshel meetin'... What do YOU want? MIKE: [Legolas] How do I get out of this chicken-spit outfit? > > > > On the way home I stopped at Safeway to get some things for dinner. MIKE: Including the safeway safeway-brand safeway vodka! > "Let's see, fresh herbs, lemons and aluminium foil, I think that's all > for now." I said to myself. TOM: Mmm... Lemon Pepper Tinfoil! My favorite! CROW: Nothing like seasoned aluminium foil for dinner! > > > > By 2:30 I was home. "Hello." I called with no answer so I tried again. > "Hello?" CROW: Wanna take bets on if she walks in on the elf and her girlfriend doing something they shouldn't be? TOM: In this story? CROW: Good point. > I walked up the stairs carrying my bag from this morning, > which jingled every time it hit my leg, MIKE: It had been a good day--shaking down a few old ladies, beating up kids for their pocket change... TOM: [Crystal] I got $22.50 and some Go-Gurt! CROW: [Carolyn] SCORE! > and the groceries. I dumped my > bag on the couch and put the groceries on the counter, MIKE: Y'know, I wish she would've put the groceries on the couch and her bag on the counter. TOM: Really, Mike? Why? MIKE: Plot twist. Ram chip? BOTS: Nummies! > looking out the > window, I smiled, now I knew why no one answered me when I came inside, > there was Carolyn and Legolas CROW: [Crystal] ...locked in coitus. The image never left my mind, even as I butchered them. > sitting on the extra large hammock, > strung between two of the five huge evergreen trees in my back yard, TOM: Alright, Caroyln! CROW: You go, girl! MIKE: Way to stick it to The Woman! > playing cards. ALL: Awww... TOM: Well, we were rooting for you, Carolyn. > I hurried out to join them. "Do you have any room for > me?" I asked. CROW: [Legolas] Go fish! > > > > "Yeah, sure." Legolas said MIKE: [jock] Yeah sure, I *guess*. We'll let the *weird girl* play.... > moving over slightly so I could get on. CROW: Mike? Too easy? MIKE: Very good, Crow. > > > > I realized my mistake a little too late, the way I was sitting made us > unbalanced and before I knew it is was hurled flat on my back CROW: I guess Legolas got tired of not getting any action, huh? MIKE: [sighs] And you were doing so well. > with the > wind knocked out of me. MIKE: [Crystal] Before I could recover Ryan came flying-kicking in and hit me in the solar-plexus. "Oof!" I said, then retaliated with a GENERIC ATTACK 1! and hit Ryan 26 times. Even Ryan could not stand up to that punishment and he was totally knocked out after it melted him to a crisp. > > > > Legolas and Carolyn recovered quickly and within seconds of hearing me > gasping for breath they were both TOM: [Crystal] ...laughing and pointing. CROW: [Nelson] Ha-HA! > at my side. TOM: Legolas quickly grabs a pillow and goes to work. CROW: [Carolyn] KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT, MAKE IT DEAD! > "Crystal, Crystal, Are you alright?" Legolas asked worriedly. MIKE: [Legolas] You fell a whole two feet!! Did you get a bruise?!? TOM: [Legolas] Oh wait, I'm a fictional elf out of mythic pre-history! I don't know CPR! CROW: [Legolas] If you want me to choke the life out of you, don't say anything! > > > > I tried to talk but all I could manage was a squeak/cough. That was > really frustrating for me, CROW: [Crystal] ...I'm nothing without my Voice of Command! > not being able to communicate. MIKE: Or remember my own plot twists. CROW: From a *single* chapter ago! TOM: And the diamond clarity and limpid flow of the prose in *this* thing shows how much she loves communicating! > But all of a > sudden I heard something else. It was Carolyn thought > speaking to me. MIKE: [Crystal] Geez, Carolyn, did you have to invent new quotation marks *just* for this? TOM: Oh yes, this is *definitely* necessary to the story.... > I thought back. TOM: [Crystal] > > > > She asked. CROW: [Crystal] > > > > I > answered. CROW: [Crystal] > > > > MIKE: [Crystal] > > > > like he would in a heartbeat, although... TOM: [Crystal] ...he can't possibly know CPR, so I don't know why I said that.... > I don't think I'd mind him > doing mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on me.> MIKE: No, I rather think you would since properly performed it would be quite uncomfortable for a conscious person. > I laughed but it came out as > a choked cough which just made Legolas more worried. TOM: Oh no ya don't Crystal! You did that on purpose, you evil witch you! > > > > "Legolas." I heard Carolyn say. "Crystal is fine, she just got the wind > knocked out of her." CROW: [Legolas] You don't say! Never in my *thousands of years upon Middle- Earth* have I encountered such a condition! > > > > A few minutes later I was back to breathing again. TOM: A few *minutes* later? Well then you must have nipped off to unconsciousness for a bit. I wonder if any brain damage set in.... > "What is it about > me, it seems every summer I fall off the hammock or off a bed or > something that makes me get the wind knocked out of me. I guess I'm > just prone to it." I said jokingly. MIKE: [Crystal] ...with the utter absence of humour that's characteristic of my family. TOM: Ah yes, the one flaw that puts everything else in merely human perspective. I was wondering when it would show up. > > > > About an hour later we went inside and I started making dinner but > because I wanted it to be a surprise I shooed Carolyn and Legolas > downstairs. MIKE: [Carolyn] It's Chicken Cacciatore, isn't it? Every time you make a "surprise dinner," it's Chicken Cacciatore. CROW: [Crystal] Well, you're wrong! It's... Chicken with Tomato Sauce! MIKE: [Carolyn] But... CROW: [Crystal] SILENCE!!! > > > > At 5:00 the doorbell rang. ALL: Its 5:00! Do you know where your elf is?!! > "Can you get it Carolyn?" I yelled because I > was up to my elbows in lemon juice, vegetable oil and some unknown > liquid. MIKE: Mmmm...doesn't that sound delicious!? CROW: Skipping the obvious substance riffs and moving right along, I really question Crystal's l33t magical cooking skills if she's using stuff that not even *she* can identify. TOM: Feh. Probably just the purest plantation sugar known to man again. [DING.] CROW: ...Mamma. > The doorbell rang again. "Fine, make me get it." MIKE: [Carolyn] *Make* me, I say! TOM: [Carolyn] Offer me money! Offer me power! Offer me anything I could desire! > I concentrated > and the door sprung open. CROW: [Coily] Nooooo springs! *cuckoo* MIKE: Well, if it's that easy, you should have just done that in the first place! TOM: If all she had to do was concentrate, why did she care about having food on her hands? > "I'm up here." I called and Ryan walked up > the stairs > > > > "So you've told Legolas." Ryan stated. CROW: [Crystal] Yes, and he still thinks he's the father, so not a word, okay? > > > > "What?" I asked. > > > > "Your ability, that you're telekinetic." Ryan answered. CROW: [Crystal] Oh... That... > > > > "Yes, but how did you know?" I asked. TOM: [Ryan] Because "my friends from church have known since I learned how." Hello, Crystal? Remember last chapter? > > > > "The door opened and I would think that you would be more careful then > that if you hadn't told him." Ryan explained. MIKE: Careful? She had *no idea* who was at the door! It could've been the UPS guy for all she knew! CROW: [UPS guy] Damn, *another* one of these houses with a telekinetic! Kids these days, don't even open doors with their hands anymore.... > > > > "You know for an idiot you are pretty smart sometimes." I said. MIKE: [snickering] Man, I guess you really can learn a lot from a dummy! > > > > "Well I do have an IQ of about 140." Ryan replied. MIKE: [Ryan] Well, in dog IQ. > > > > Ding-dong, ALL: o/~ The Witch is dead! / Which old Witch? / The Wicked Witch!... o/~ > the doorbell went again, TOM: What? They have a talking doorbell? CROW: Of course, nimrod! It just called Crystal's name, didn't ya hear? TOM: [snickering] Oh right. > the lock clicked, "It's open." I > called MIKE: Even though, according to what happened earlier, you just locked it... > and David came running up the stairs. TOM: This is getting to be like a French farce. Next they'll discover John hiding under the bed.... > > > > "Did I miss anything?" He asked. > > > > I shook my head. MIKE: [Crystal] What was with that 'Ziggy Stardust' nonsense? > "You're the second one here." I said. > > > > Everyone else arrived and we started our meeting. CROW: [Destinygurl] Transitions? Who needs 'em? MIKE: You mean nobody else gets a pointless introduction speech? How inconsistent. > "so what should we do > tomorrow?" John asked. MIKE: [Crystal] Same thing we do every day--go out on wacky excursions with our friend the Elf! TOM: Hey, look Crow! They still hold their chat sessions in person. Isn't that cute? CROW: Yeah... How 20th century of them! > > > > "Well we're playing Capture the flag and gargon without question." I > started. TOM: [Crystal] Don't try to argue. My Word is Law. CROW: [others] But it would help if we knew what gargon was-- TOM: [Crystal] SILENCE, MORTALS!!! > "So why don't we go swimming at Bear Creek park." CROW: Because almost anything else would be interesting? > > > > "Hey that would be fun, I hear you can rent out the pool after hours." CROW: Why go to a natural creek to swim in a pool? > David said but his comment was mostly lost because Ryan and Joe took > this opportunity to start talking and laughing loudly. [ALL laugh and shout about moose, hockey, ad-lib, rhubarb, and Labatts Blue.] CROW: Grab those random moments when you can--they're so infrequent! > > > > "Samosas and brevridges with be served by TOM: You mean "with be served by" wasn't a mistake the first time? Now I'm depressed... if still offended. > Mike Wisouski at the > tabernacle in Kazakhstan just outside Kerplakistan" Joe said. MIKE: You are a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity. > A few > inanimate objects flew at their heads MIKE: [Crystal] The stove, the countertop, knives... TOM: Uh, if the objects are flying, doesn't that make them animate? > and although nobody got hit Ryan > and Joe got the message and shut up. MIKE: There's that genius-level IQ at work, and well, Joe's a quick study. TOM: Insulting and unfunny or just plain unfunny - you make the call, folks! > > > > "Now if we can get back to business." I said glaring and Ryan and Joe. CROW: ...who were instantly disintegrated by the Death Glare(tm). > "You'll have plenty of time to goof off later." MIKE: [Crystal] ... after your chores are done. TOM: [Legolas] Awww, but I wanted to go into Tosche Station and pick up some power converters! > > > > "Does anyone have any other suggestions of games to play?" David asked. TOM: How about... Russian Roulette? MIKE: Musical Electric Chairs? CROW: Catch with ninja stars? TOM: Hot Potato with a hand grenade? OTHERS: You win! > > > > "Woman's volleyball." Ryan yelled. MIKE: [Crystal] No, that violates the 'getting some' clause in your contract. > "The guys spectator sport." CROW: Finally! A smidge of testosterone enters the fic! > > > > I smacked him upside the head, hard. TOM: I'm conflicted. It's Ryan being hurt, but Crystal inflicting the pain. MIKE: Life is seldom simple... > "You're really lucky Anneka is not > here." I said. "Or that smack would be followed by many more and some > punches as well." TOM: ...Followed by Geese Howard's Deadly Rave, Scorpion's brutality and Lamia Damina's RAGING INFINITY KATA!!! [pause.] TOM: If you're curious, the Raging Infinity Kata (TM) (of doom and death) (available at a Wal-mart near you) is a list of twinks that LamiaDamina from the pencil+paper RPG board on gamefaqs.com came up with that can make infinite attack chains out of one attack round. Fun times! [longer pause.] CROW: [confused] Uh, thanks... Servo... > (Anneka is a major feminist and will attack anyone, > mostly John though, who takes females the wrong way.) TOM: [Anneka] WOMEN ARE NOT AS VIOLENT AS MEN! TAKE THAT BACK OR I'LL KILL YOU!!! MIKE: Nice of you, though, to tolerate his sexism, Crystal. Way to set wymyn back a few decades. > > > > "I'm sure I am." Ryan said. TOM: [Ryan] Now get your bitch-ass back in the kitchen, and bake me some pie! > > > > We finished our meeting and now had the daunting task of phoning > everyone on the youth phone list. TOM: The journey to Mount Doom was *nothing* compared to it! > We used the phone line at my house > and my cell phone so two of us could call at once, David and John > started. "Hello Stefan it's John, how are you?... MIKE: [John] Yeah, yeah... I'm "thuper" too... > > uh-huh... yup... CROW: [John] ...Oh... Well... err... I'm sure there's medication for that. > Ok shut-up, I have to tell you about youth tomorrow." But > he never got to finish his sentence as Ryan and Joe tackled him to the > ground and started tickling him. [CROW gacks and goes fetal.] MIKE: Um... Crow? CROW: I was... reminded... of the Lemonranger's... Hentai Intent 2! [ALL shudder.] TOM: If you're curious, The Hentai Intent 2 is a lemonfic written by Racewing, Iczil Prime and Hiei about just about every woman (plus a few extras) from Capcom VS. SNK 2 getting struck by "the hentai intent", basically turning them into weird freaky nymphomaniac people. Um, yeah... MIKE: Tom, who are you talking to? TOM: I... don't... know... > There was no way that John would > finish the call so I picked up the phone and continued to tell Stefan > what was happening. TOM: [Stefan] Another San Francisco bathhouse flashback, eh? > > > > Once we finished phoning I started dinner. I took three lumpy packages, CROW: *Lumpy?* My mouth's watering already! > wrapped in tin foil, out of the fridge and put them on the BBQ > then I put a large stockpot on the stove to boil. MIKE: Hey, kids! Tonight it's Grilled Mystery Meat! BOTS: OH BOY!! > > > > "What's that?" John asked. CROW: [Crystal] Lessee, chicken fried steak, deep fried mozarella sticks, and a hundred fried shrimp smothered in corn oil... TOM: [John] Good thing we took our Pepcid AC! > > > > > I smiled mischievously. "You'll see when it's done." I said happily. MIKE: [Crystal] A little more cyanide, and... PERFECT! CROW: Say, anybody know what happened to Legolas? TOM: Who? > > > > While dinner was cooking we hung out in the living room playing a game > called Moods. Legolas didn't understand how to play so he just sat out. TOM: Oh, *That* guy! CROW: So Crystal's grown weary at last of explaining things to him? How tragic. MIKE: Well, I guess Legolas' brief stint as a major character and object of desire seems to be over. > We were having so much fun acting out different moods that we didn't > see Legolas open the tiny tube of super glue. "HEY... I'm stuck." He > yelled. MIKE: Just when I thought Legolas couldn't sink any lower.... TOM: And we bring back Legolas just to make him look like a slow fourth- grader. CROW: Legolas really got pasted that time, eh? [ALL sigh, groan, mumble, reach for automatic weapons, and generally look unhappy.] > > > > We rushed over to him and I spotted the tube of glue, now half empty. ALL: No, half *full!* > Legolas had accidentally glued one of his hands to the other. MIKE: And in case you haven't been paying attention, Legolas is a big, fat idiot. CROW: The scary thing is, this is a big role for him by now. TOM: You know, if that had only happened to *Crystal*, we wouldn't have to read this anymore. [ALL sigh wistfully.] > > > > "How did you do this?" Carolyn asked. CROW: Open glue tube. Rock-stupid elf. Do the math. > > > > "I was just-" Legolas started but I cut him off. > > > > "No time for questions, the longer the glue has to dry the harder it is > to get off." I said. [All cough and shift uncomfortably.] CROW: Even I'm not touching that one. > > > > I went into the bathroom and got a bottle of nail polish remover and a > towel. TOM: Since Legolas *just* broke a nail! MIKE: Plus, the Hitchhiker's Guide says you should never go anywhere without a towel. > Everybody headed outside onto the patio TOM: Er... If you had that stuff on you all along, why the panic about getting that stuff off before it set? MIKE: Now, now... Don't pierce Marvel Girl's delusions of omniscience. > > > > I soaked the towel in nail polish remover and told Legolas to keep it > on the super glue for a while. TOM: His hands are glued to-gether! How's he supposed to do that? Hold it in his teeth? > > > > "Crystal, this stinks." Legolas wined. CROW: We feel your pain, my friend. We feel your pain. MIKE: [twitching] Yes, of course, because *Legolas the elf*, the one who's gone through *wars*, who lives in *ancient times*, really cares about the smell of *nail polish*. Never *mind* that he's been around *decomposing orcs*, its *nail polish* that the guy can't handle. Chrrrrist allmighty. [A vein begins pulsating on MIKE's forehead.] TOM: [awed] Holy... WHOA! Its turning purple! *COOL!* > > > > "Yes it does but you'll just have to deal with it." I said. TOM: Your delicate elven skin could never hold up with just ripping your hands free... CROW: If love's not tough, it's barely love at all. > > > > Ryan started babbling on about nothing CROW: [Crystal] And by 'started' I mean 'continued as usual'.... > but the few words I caught were > funny, MIKE: Too bad Seinfeld's not looking for writers any more, then. > things like. "Jeffery... super glue... chair." MIKE: Toilet water, jack-in-the-box, table saw, fake hamster, *sigh* earwax... CROW: Ryan... Super glue... Ball gag... > > > > "That would be hilarious MIKE: [Ryan] Yeah? Well, let's see how hilarious it is when Jeffrey super- glues *your* face to Stephen Hawking's wheelchair! > but you know what Jeffery would say if we > actually did." IU said TOM: [Ryan] 'The halls of the school will echo with the dying screams of those who have wronged me?' > then adopted a VERY winy tone. MIKE: With a subtle yet rich bouquet, this tone promises to be a truly memorable vintage. > "Paul, Paul TOM: [Jeffery] Why dost thou persecute me? > they glued me to the chair." We all cracked up except for Legolas who was > presently trying to pull his hands apart. CROW: But just keep pulling. Maybe they'll crack too! MIKE: The preceding scene brought to you by Pointless Interlude Productions. TOM: At PIP, our motto is "Any time is a good time for filler." > > > > "Oh, I should probably tell you about Jeffery because..." MIKE: [Crystal] ...he's another one of my friends, which means he'll have a bigger role in this story than you. > I sighed. "He's > coming tomorrow." I said sadly. > > > > "Argh! No! Why tomorrow! Anything but tomorrow!" Carolyn wailed. MIKE: Oh, no! Not Jeffery! TOM: Not tomorrow! Oh, God! Not tomorrow! CROW: This is awful! This is... Wait... Who? > > > > "I know, I know, but it was unavoidable." TOM: [Crystal] He said if I didn't agree, he'd blow up the house. > I started but then checked my > watch. "Oh no dinner." TOM: She's pretty casual about that pillar of smoke from the kitchen, too. > I went over to the BBQ and turned it off and > then went inside and checked the pot boiling on the stove. CROW: [Crystal] The pot was black. > > > > A Little while later Legolas was back to his normal, unstuck self MIKE: Listen! Legolas Greenleaf has come unstuck in time. TOM: So, he's gone *unglued*, hasn't he? [plays a rimshot] Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all eternity. > and was helping everybody set the table. CROW: They only trusted him with the spoons, mind you... > I finished off the setting with > two bowls of melted butter over tea lights and two bowls of fresh lemon > quarters. MIKE: Melted butter? Lemon wedges? TOM: And don't forget the seasoned aluminum foil! CROW: Guys, you know what that means? ALL: IT'S SLOPPY JOE NIGHT! > > > > We sat around one of the outdoor tables. "Ready to see what's for > dinner?" I asked tauntingly. TOM: [Stefan] It isn't going to jump out of the pot and attack again, is it? CROW: [Crystal] You pansies! You get assaulted by one face-hugger, and I never hear the end of it! > > > > "Just tell us." John quipped. MIKE: *Fabulous* quip! CROW: Worthy for the ages! > > > > "In the big shiny pot is... Legs of an Alaskan king crab." MIKE: Plus tongue of frog and wool of bat. TOM: Ah, the other *other* white meat! [MIKE and CROW giggle] > I said lifting > up the lid. > > (A/N: Mmm crab legs *drool*) CROW: It's almost like eating giant spider legs! > > "And from the BBQ three fresh Hoopy lake trout." MIKE: They're the hoopyest frood trout to ever know where their towels were! TOM: Ten bucks to you, Destinygurl, if you can ID that riff without help! > > > > David licked his lips. "Sounds good." He said > > > > "Grass." CROW: [David] ...and lots of it! I'm gonna need to be *so* high to make it through this.... > Joe yelled for no apparent reason. TOM: [Joe] I AM KIROK! MIKE: No, no, no, Joe! You toke up before or after dinner, not during! TOM: [Crystal] Then he yelled "joint," and there's no roast on the table! CROW: He must have the munchies. > > > > I produced 7 nutcrackers CROW: And for some reason, a single spork. > and said. CROW: [Crystal] One more word out of you, Joe, and *crunch!* > "Lets get cracking, literally." TOM: [Crystal] Next person who says I didn't look gorgeous in my seventh- grade party dress.... *CRACK!* > > > > After we ate our crab and fish I got out the chocolate cream pie. > > > > "This just keeps getting better and better." Ryan said happily. CROW: Only if they get naked and rub it all over each other.... > > > > "Anyways back to Jeffery." I said. MIKE: [Crystal] Patrick Stewart was wonderful, but the film just played it too safe. > "He's a guy who is the same age as > me but acts, like he's five CROW: [Crystal] I thought he could be a playmate for Legolas. > and he's annoying as anything you've ever > seen or heard." MIKE: [Legolas] So he's Ryan without the Oompa-Loompa thing? CROW: [Ryan] HEY! > I took a deep breath and continued. "He went to my > school from kindergarten to grade 7 and he was in my class every year." CROW: Good grief, he *is* depraved! > I stopped abruptly. "I don't need to bore you with my pity story. [All laugh weakly, then begin sobbing] CROW: Aw Crystal, why'd it take you nineteen frickin' chapters! > You really don't need details about Jeffery and me." MIKE: [Crystal] So that's why I'm going to write about him for the next ten chapters! > > > > "What is there something you don't want me to know?" Legolas asked > slyly in a tone even I couldn't mistake. ALL: *Zing!* TOM: [Fight announcer] And Legolas lands a *beautiful* double entendre to Crystal's ego! > > > > "If I'm taking it the way I think you mean it, NO! Definitely no! CROW: [Crystal] I mean, yes! It just didn't *mean* anything to me. It shouldn't even be *counted* as an affair! TOM: [John] I think we need a ruling on this. > It's just that some of the things we do to Jeffery may seem a little over > the top, that is, until you meet him." I blurted out. TOM: [Crystal] Then you'll realise merciless cruelty is OH-TAY! > > > > "Ok." Legolas said noncommittally. MIKE: [Legolas] Guy can't be any worse than any of you. > > > > "It's true, just trust us." Carolyn said. > > > > "I'll believe it when I see it." Legolas shot back. CROW: Gaaaaa!! Ducks! > > > > "I think we'll just have to impress upon you these facts. MIKE: That hydraulic press in the garage should do nicely! > What say we > invite Jeffery over for a while." I said. MIKE: Actually, I'd kinda like to meet this guy myself...he sounds kinda neat. > > > > There were shouts of NO! from every member of the dig team CROW: Hey, Indiana Jones needs that team to finish unearthing the Lost Ark! > and Carolyn. TOM: I don't know about you, but I'm getting the distinct impression Jeffrey is the smart, shy kid who'll end up making a quarter million Canadian a year while Crystal and her friends take his lunch order at White Castle. > Legolas looked a little nervous at the reactions of his friends and > finally took what I was saying for truth. TOM: [Legolas] For goodness sake, people! If *I* can befriend a dwarf, surely you can get over this aversion to this "Jeffery" fellow? MIKE: [Crystal] But... But he's ICKY!!! > > > > Once we cleaned up we walked to the field behind my house to play > badminton. Carolyn and I were a team and totally whipped everyone else. CROW: When the power of the Author is at your side, who can stand against you? > "10-nothing." I called out as we were playing against Ryan and Legolas. TOM: So who's the ten and who's the nothing? > "Service." I smacked the birdie TOM: What did it do, make a sexist remark? CROW: Quick, someone call the SPCA! > in a nice overhand serve and the score > was soon 11-nothing. CROW: *This* score goes to eleven. TOM: Y'know, I'm just *waiting* for this über-chick to sprout wings and start flying. MIKE: Don't encourage her! > > > > "You've got to admit we beat you guys bad." Carolyn gloated as we > walked back. CROW: [Ryan] Well, we could've done better if Legolas hadn't kept smacking the shuttlecock into orbit! TOM: [Legolas] Hey, these guns weren't made for small game, baby! > > > > "Yes, yes but you don't have to rub it in." Joe said. CROW: Whipping's bad enough, but *salting...* > > > > We got home and I bid everyone goodnight. "Get some sleep, you know we > won't get any tomorrow." I called. TOM: Now you know how *we* feel! > > > > A/N: Ooo, what's happening tomorrow? MIKE: What, they'll take Legolas to the drivethrough at the bank? > Why won't they be getting any > sleep? CROW: It's like she's daring me. > What in the world is Gargon? MIKE: Didn't he fight Gamera? TOM: I'm pulling for an all-devouring living maw, myself... > And I Jeffery really as bad as we > say he is? (I'm sorry to say he is) CROW: Hey, she's killing the suspense! > All this and more will be answered > next chapter so stay tuned. (I hopefully will get it up faster than > this one. ALL: [chanting] Home-work! Home-work! Home-work! > > ********************************************************************* > 20. God Help us, Jeffrey is here MIKE: God help *us*, there's another chapter of this! > > All I can say right now is GO CANUCKS!!!!!!!!J TOM: Oh, if that really were *all* she could say.... > > Hehe yes I'm a canucks fan and proud of it. MIKE: And *immediately,* everyone in Vancouver starts pulling for the Oilers. > The first game in the > second series was so cool hah! The tying goal with 1.3 seconds left > bringing the game into overtime and therefore letting us win YAY!! TOM: [Crystal] But they brought in that damned ringer, Estevez! CROW: Nice to see she brings her usual measured maturity to the sporting life too. > > > > x-silver-saffire-x: Yes all the people in my fic are real which makes > me think... MIKE: [Crystal] ...why I am plastering their boring lives all over the Internet? > I have some weird friends. TOM: And the winner of the Miss Understatement pageant: Crystal! MIKE: [dully] Give the girl a prize. CROW: Took the words right out of my beak. > > > > WeasleyTwinsLover1112": You think Jeffery is scary when I'm talking > about him just wait until this chapter, it gets scary. MIKE: She's got a friend who's weirder than Oompa-Loompa boy? > All I'm going to > say about that is, God help us Jeffery his here. *shudders* CROW: Speaking of "shudder," which would be the scarier scenario: That Jeffery is real and as evil incarnate as she says, or he's a conjured-up nightmare spaz? MIKE: Hmm... Tough call... > > > > The next morning Carolyn was the first to get up for a change and she > started rifling through the CDs that I keep over by the computer. CROW: [Carolyn] Hmmm, lessee...38 Special, The Sex Pistols, Guns and Roses... MIKE: [Carolyn] ABBA: The Golden Years...ABBA's Greatest Hits...Even More of ABBA's Greatest Hits...Love That ABBA...Pickin' on ABBA.... TOM: [Carolyn] What th... "Legolas Porn - Volume 1?" "Legolas Porn - Volume 2?" "How to Kill All My Friends And Get Away With It?" VOLUME THREE?!? > > > > I opened one eye and once I saw what Carolyn was doing I TOM: [Crystal] ...slit her throat from ear to ear. > burst into > silent giggles. MIKE: [Crystal] She has to die! And she doesn't even know! Tee-hee! CROW: Still using CDs? How quaint, how *funny!* > "I think you want Skypark, Third one from the bottom." > I whispered. TOM: [Carolyn] No, I'd prefer something good. MIKE: She's accomplished her mission--I'm *already* feeling sorry for Skypark. > > > > "Thanks." Carolyn said, CROW: [Carolyn] Wait, that's not what I... Dangit, Crystal! Stop using that mind trick on me! > she grabbed the CD and slid it into the CD-rom > drive of the computer. MIKE: She set her maintenance wizard for just this occasion, right? > > > > I watched her turn the volume up full blast and I put a pillow over my > head, this was going to be loud. > > > > Carolyn pushed play MIKE: ...and AEROSMITH BURST IN! CROW: [wildly] o/~ Uh Just Push Play! o/~ > and the rock music blew through the house. BOTS: S! A! T-U-R! D-A-Y! NIGHT!! > > > > Excuse me sir, TOM: [British] ...but a Mr 'Jeffrey' is here to see you. He says he's won the lottery so don't you wish you'd been kind to him in seventh grade last year, ha-ha. > but could ya spare a dime? MIKE: [Crystal] Because I own nothing, nothing at all. > > Me body aches, I've got ta blow my mind! CROW: Here's a .38--go wild. > > > > They're under my skin, > > Here come the bugs again. TOM: o/~ I've just re-installed Windows XP! o/~ > > > > Now Sista' please get'a on your knees. TOM: And look'a for the contact lens I dropped. CROW: When you're asked so politely, how can you refuse? > > Just one amen and people lookin' like trees. MIKE: Treebeard? Is that you? > > > > They're under my skin TOM: Yeah yeah, tell it to Cole Porter. > > Here come the bugs again. TOM: o/~ Maybe I should lay off the heroin! o/~ > > > > There's a God of above, and a God of bugs. MIKE: And there's also a Death of Rats - What's your point? > > There's a Lord of flies and a Lord of love. TOM: And a lord of rings. CROW: What does this fic have to do with that? > > > > They're under my skin, > > Here come the bugs again. MIKE: o/~ Why didn't I take the garbage out? o~ > > > > They're under my skin, > > Here come the bugs again. TOM: o/~ And it's MOON REVENGE, wooooo-hoooooooo.... o/~ > > > > When the song ended Carolyn turned the volume down and looked to see > how Legolas had fared. TOM: Probably like Alex in 'Clockwork Orange' just before he jumped out the window. MIKE: He's still here? I hadn't noticed lately. > We found him hiding under every pillow blanket TOM: The pillow blanket, the cushy new way to stay toasty! > and teddy bear (yes they were still there.) CROW: Whimpering for his mommy. > "You can come out now." > Carolyn said in s singsong voice. CROW: They were all sleeping in the same room? How... Liberal of them... MIKE: This is like some mutant version of "Three's Company." TOM: "Will & Grace" then? MIKE: Zing! > > > > Legolas hesitantly pocked his head out MIKE: Whoah, instant acne scars! > and glared at Carolyn. MIKE: [Legolas] *That* was the song the orcs sang as they marched on Gondor! [whimpers] > > > > "Good morning sunshine." CROW: The Earth says hello! > I said way to cheerfully. CROW: Well hellooooo Mr. Fancy Pants. TOM: Hellooo, sailor. MIKE: Welcome to Corneria! CROW: With greeting of cheerful and sweet lightiness do I give to you to say to I the hello! TOM: Hey, *I* know! I'll translate this FANFIC into Engrish! [Geese Howard] How are you gentlemen? All your purest plantation sugar known to man are belong to us! [DING.] > > > > Legolas grunted sleepily and rubbed his eyes. TOM: [Legolas] Reeehh! CROW: [Legolas] Damn it all... Still here. MIKE: First the hand gluing, and now this. He really *is* back in the limelight! > > > > "Get up you bum we've got a fun day ahead." I said pulling Legolas off > the bed. CROW: That's got to be the first time a fangirl has ever pulled Legolas *out* of a bed. > > > > "What are we doing today?" Legolas asked curious at my cheerful tone. MIKE: [Crystal] Same thing we do every day! Crap! TOM: [Legolas] Holy Elbereth, more excruciating non-sports and cooking? I'll never survive eight more days of this! > > > > "24 HOUR INSOMNIA!" Carolyn screeched. CROW: She must have had coffee. Keep her away from the spatulas. TOM: Use all your adrenaline now, Carolyn, and you'll never last the full day... > > > > "Huh?" MIKE: He always knows exactly the right thing to say, doesn't he? > > > > "We stay up all night playing games and doing fun stuff at the church." > I explained. TOM: [Crystal] Like playing 'Who's the Witch' and burning Beatles albums! > > > > By 10:15 I was ready to go. I rolled my motorbike out into the front > yard and attached to the back of it my small duffle bag. CROW: o/~ Born to be miiiiild! o/~ > > > > *Ring* "DOORBELL!" Carolyn yelled MIKE: [Carolyn] Here come the bugs again! > as I was coming into the house. > > > > "I'll get it..." I picked up the phone. TOM: Hold everything! How do you answer the door by picking up a telephone? MIKE: Man, I guess Verizon is making progress everyday. > "Hello?" TOM: [Crystal] Hello? *ring* HellO? *ring*? HELLO?! *ring ring* MIKE: [faintly] Crystal? Hey, open up! Let me in! > > > > *Hey Crystal* > > > > "Oh hi John, what's up?" > > > > *I was wondering if you could give me a ride to the church.* TOM: [Crystal] Don't you live - literally - around the block from the church? MIKE: [John] Yeah. What's your point? > > > > "Of course I'll be over in a sec." ALL: Bzzzzzzzt! > > > > Just before I hung up the phone John put in one last comment. *One- > thousand-one.* CROW: [Crystal] Okay, make that a thousand and one seconds. > (As in counting out one second) TOM: And I thought it was the odds of her making it there. > > > > "Hey that's my line!" I yelled before hanging up the phone. MIKE: Whose Line Is It, Anyway? > > > > I put on my silver helmet TOM: [sings] Silver helmet...of Mambrino.... MIKE: I thought that was a golden helmet. TOM: The silver one is for casual. > and slid the black one on the handle bar. MIKE: ...thus making it impossible to operate the bike... TOM: Don't you need access to both handlebars to ride a motorcycle? CROW: Not if you're *Crystal...* > "Remember, be there at 12:00 and no later." I Told Carolyn and Legolas > as I left. MIKE: [Crystal] Otherwise Legolas will turn back into a pumpkin. CROW: Well, he couldn't get any dumber if he *was* a pumpkin. > I started the motorbike and drove off down the hill. TOM: [Crystal] But Carolyn had cut the brake line! Oh no-- > > > > John was waiting outside for me when I pulled up. He looked bewildered > for a moment as this strange motorbike pulled up and parked in front of > his house, MIKE: [John] Oh, my GOD! "Biker Babes" got my letter!!! > it wasn't until I took off the helmet a shook out my long > blonde hair that he realized it was me on that bike. MIKE: Twenty chapters in, and we finally get a little of how she looks. TOM: And she's *gorgeous!* CROW: Somehow, I just knew Crystal would be a blonde. > > > > "Since when do you have a bike?" John asked. CROW: [John] I mean, you're not even old enough for a license yet. > > > > "Since I was born." I answered and tossed him the other helmet. TOM: [Crystal] The doc cut the cord, and I rode off into the sunset, baby! MIKE: Ew. > > > > "You know I've had a bad experience with motorbikes." John said getting > on the bike behind me. > > > > "Really?" MIKE: [John] Ha-ha, no, not really. Come on, kids as young as us can't ride. CROW: [Crystal] I'm *eighteen*, John. MIKE: [John] No, wait, you're only-- CROW: [Crystal] I'M EIGHTEEN, JOHN! MIKE: [John] *ulp* > > > > "Yes when I was little I crashed a bike into a chicken-wire fence." > John told me. TOM: [John] I was only eight, but I thought my Ninja could make that jump! > > > > "Fascinating." CROW: Aah, Carolyn does Spock better. MIKE: Yeah. *She* does the eyebrow raise. > > > > When we got to the church everyone crowded around my motorbike. "How > long have you had the bike?" Joe asked. > > > > "18 years." I answered. MIKE: [John] But aren't you--? CROW: [Crystal] *I'M EIGHTEEN, JOHN!!!* > > > > We set up stuff MIKE: Man, such detail! I see it all in my head! > and finished planning so by 12:00, as everybody started > showing up, we were ready. CROW: [Crystal, laughing sinisterly] Heh, heh! Time to make the doughnuts! > > > > John, Joe, David, Tall David, Ryan TOM: ...*ARE* *N'Auspicious! Album in stores November 15! > and I were standing around talking, MIKE: [Ryan] Reeehh. CROW: [Joe] Shnirgin. TOM: [John] Anybody got gum? MIKE: [Crystal] Here, you Dutch cheapskate. > while Carolyn was in the background, giving Legolas a tour of the > church, when Jeffery showed up. "RYAN!" he yelled running up and > glomping him (Ryan). TOM: [Jeffery] Nihao, Ryan! You go date with Jeffery?!? MIKE: [Rubs temples] Oh, that's gonna leave a mark. > > > > "Ok Jeffery no!" Ryan said pushing Jeffery away. TOM: [Ryan] Bad dog! No purest plantation sugar known to man! > > > > Switching tactics Jeffery moved onto another victim. "JOHN! MY BUDDY!" > Jeffery clamped onto John as well. CROW: Yeesh, he *is* like a male Shampoo. MIKE: The top-of-the line Jeffery can exert clamping forces on two targets simultaneously of over twenty thousand kilopascals each. TOM: [Crystal] *SIGH!* I'll get the Jaws of Life. > > > > John sent me a panicked 'help me' look but I just turned away from him, > let him handle his own problems. CROW: I see they do a great job of teaching compassion and mercy in her church. TOM: No, you see, John's been caught embibing in the purest plantation sugar known to man again. [DING.] This is just his penence. CROW: Isn't that a little harsh? TOM: Not for the Spanish Inquisition. [*BOOM!*] MIKE: *NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOO*BODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITIONNN!!! TOM: Jesus Christ, spit it out! > > > > After John wrestled Jeffery off of him he (Jeffery) came after me TOM: The lesson of the day, ladies and gentlemen! > but > before he could get to close I put out my arm and said. "DON'T touch > me!" CROW: [Crystal] You... You... JEFFERY, YOU! > > > > Jeffery backed down but asked. "whose motorbike is that?" TOM: Nice attention span, guy! > > > > "Mine." I said smugly. MIKE: It's nice to know that even in the middle of this tense encounter, she hasn't lost track of herself. > > > > "I get to ride it!" Jeffery yelled CROW: [Jeffery] Or you. I'm easy either way. TOM: [Ryan] That's what the men's room stall says, anyway. CROW: [Jeffery] HEY! > > > > "Um lets see... NO!" I finished, shepherding everyone away from Jeffery. MIKE: Ah, they worship at Our Lady of Ostracism and Cliques. TOM: More like worshipping the Cult of Style. CROW: More like worshipping the Goddess Crystal. > "You guys, come with us." I said beckoning Carolyn and Legolas over. TOM: [Crystal] Pay *no attention* to that man behind the curtain.... > > > > All 8 of us crammed into the tiny elevator. (like the one you would > find in most schools). We went down just far enough so that the door > wouldn't open but we could still see out the window to taunt Jeffery. MIKE: If you're not John Cleese with a French accent, that's not funny. > > > > "Why is Jeffery so scared of me?" I asked everyone in general. MIKE: I'm gonna take a wild guess here and say it's because you screamed 'DON'T touch me!' as soon as he moved vaguely in your direction. > > > > "Because you're the only one he's ever loved." John stated in a weird > romantic tone. TOM: It's called 'projection', John. You should read up. CROW: [Crystal] o/~ I love me! / So do you! / I'm one healthy Mary-Sue...o/~ MIKE: It's creepy, because it's probably true! > > > > "Shut up!" I said. MIKE: Once the weird romanticism starts, it's kind of hard to stop. > > > > At this point Tall David really looked at Legolas for the first time. > "Who's this?" He asked. TOM: [Tall David] Do you know you look just like Orlando Bloom? CROW: Cripes, the grrl in the mall recognised him instantly, but all Crystal's friends can't figure it out! > > > David whispered the answer to him so that Jeffery couldn't hear. TOM: Through the closed elevator doors? CROW: I'll bet Jeff doesn't even like "Lord of the Rings". > > > > "Whoa, so you're a real Elf? Fascinating." Tall David said. CROW: Actually, that's a pretty good Spock, too. > > > > BANG! BANG! BANG! BOTS: o/~ A fangirl bites the dust! o/~ TOM: Jeffery's back! And he's doing his best Creeg Mockery impression! [pause] This is a character from _Ready, Okay!_ by Adam Cadre, a book which you need to find, right now, and read, two seconds from the right now stated in the first part of this sentence. You owe it to yourselves. CROW: [blink] Tom? Are you okay? > Jeffery was pounding on the window as we made faces > at him. MIKE: He's trying to tell them the cable's fraying and the church is on fire, but they won't listen.... > > > > "Now I see what you mean about him." Legolas said. MIKE: Wanna clue the rest of us in? TOM: [Legolas] What with the, you know, being mocked for no reason all the time and the... forget it, I'm still completely lost. > > > > "Oh you haven't seen the worst of it yet." Carolyn sighed. "Just wait > till Stefan comes." > > > > > > What did John say...I'm the only one Jeffery's ever WHAT?!?!?!?!?! TOM: Hit with a brick? CROW: Coldly ignored? TOM: Felt superior to? MIKE: Dingdingding! Mr. Servo, you just won the Grand Prize! > What is with Stefan and Jeffery? CROW: Looks like you're not the only one he's ever loved after all, Crystal. > You'll find out soon enough. CROW: A staggering cliffhanger! MIKE: Which distracts us quite effectively from pestering her for an explanation of "Gargon..." > > ********************************************************************* > 21. Sushi CROW: No thanks - just had Chinese. TOM: There won't be any small Japanese boys in short pants in this chapter, will there? MIKE: I make no promises. > I'm so sorry that I haven't been updating but I have reasons, Number > one: MIKE: Number One, I want to see you in my ready room right away! > The Canucks lost... I'm mourning. TOM: Man, it must be hard on her during the season, going into mourning every other day.... MIKE: Class? Let's all point and laugh at Isis' pain. ALL: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! > Number two: it's the middle of the > fourth term and the teachers are loading us down with homework. Number > three: I'm part of Dig team CROW: [Destinygurl] Dig Dug is our team captain; I think we'll go all the way this year! > which is the teen planning team at my > church and right now we are trying to make a HUGE youth retreat, that > is happening next weekend, actually happen so I have a lot of work with > that. Number four: I'm trying to clean/redo my room before the end of > May, now I know that it doesn't sound like a big problem but it looks > like a bomb has gone off in there. TOM: [whispering] Damn, Ted assured me that when she opened the package-- MIKE: What's that, Tom? TOM: NOTHING! Nothing... > And finally, number five/six: MIKE: Sheesh! So not only does she number her reasons, but she uses fractions too? > We've had company from Kamloops and we are trying to plan my mom's 40th > birthday party which is going to be huge (it's happening in June) ALL: [birthday party] I'm huge! > If > you are Lacey Bernier then tell your mom she has to come and bring you > if you are not Lacey then don't listen to this message. CROW: [Crystal] Email? Who needs it? TOM: [aghast] She's reduced fanfiction.net to her personal messaging service! MIKE: At least she's got a good grasp on her audience... > > > > I'm sorry I got this saying wrong it's actually Zamosas not samosas CROW: Ohh, now it makes *perfect* sense! MIKE: I know *exactly* why I'm offended now! > (Fake Punjabi accent) Zamosas and brevridges with be served by (Mike > Wisouski is said like the little monsters say it in monsters inc.) Mike > Wisouski (Back to fake Punjabi accent) at the tabernacle in Kazakhstan > just outside Kerplakistan. And yes the word brevridges is not a typo it > is exactly how they say it. The word is spelt (and said) B-R-E-V-R-I-D- > G-E-S. TOM: We were offended the *first* time! You don't have to worry about spelling! > > > > WeasleyTwinsLover1112: I'm glad I'm not that kind of person... if I was > Jeffery would probably would be dead by now and I would be in VERY big > trouble. > > > > KindCalypso: God help us all. TOM: Funny, that's what I was thinking when Legolas first stepped through a TV set into this nightmare. > > > > x-silver-saffire-x: Jeffery is not that kind of person he's just super > annoying. MIKE: What with his normally capitalized, non-hyphenated phonebook name... > > > > "Speaking of Stefan he should be here by now and we should be leaving." > Joe said. MIKE: Wait--are we in the story now? TOM: It's looking that way. > > > > So Ryan pushed the down button on the elevator and before we knew it we > were CROW: [Crystal] Plummeting to our DOOOOOM! > ready to leave. MIKE: And soon, they were a big bloody mess at the bottom of the shaft. CROW: [janitor] Aw nuts! Hey Ray. We got another one. TOM: [Ray] Damn kids! Pushed that rogue 'down' button again, did they? > > > > "Ryan pay attention! MIKE: [Crystal] Anyone who doesn't focus on me at all times gets written out of the story, got it? > Do you want to know how to work the headset or > don't you?" I asked TOM: All hands brace for sudden topic shift! > after trying to explain that he could talk to me > through a walkie-talkie in the helmets. CROW: Crystal, babe? It's a freakin' walkie-talkie! How much explanation does it take? MIKE: Think about the explainer and the explainee. Then ask again. CROW: ...I withdraw the question! > > > > I kicked the kickstand, pushed the starter, waved for everyone to > follow me TOM: On foot, on rollerblade, on pogo stick! CROW: They'll catch up in a few months... > and sped off. ALL: AAAAHHH! CROW: We got from inside the elevator to speeding away on the bike in two paragraphs! TOM: And nobody followed. The end? > > > > "Are you sure this is safe?" Ryan asked TOM: [German accent] Iz it safe? > as I wove in and out of traffic > quickly. MIKE: Only on a closed course with a professional driver. > > > > "No, motorbikes by nature aren't safe..." I started. Ryan clung to me > tighter TOM: Quit worrying, Ryan. Nothing'll happen while you're with the Sue. > and unfortunately his arm was getting a little high for my > taste. TOM: Mike, should we be watching this? MIKE: No. No, we shouldn't. > "Hey watch my rib." CROW: [Ryan] I WASN'T TRYING TO COP A FEEL! DAAAAAAH... I mean... > > > > "Ooops, sorry I kinda forgot." Ryan mumbled. CROW: [Ryan, mumbling] Yeah... That's the ticket! > > > > "Now as I was saying motorbikes aren't all that safe but you've got me, > the resident telekinetic helping the bike stay up so you don't have to > worry." I assured Ryan. CROW: Wow--I feel so much better now, don't you? MIKE: So why'd she let Legolas fall off his bike and hurt himself back in chapter 11? TOM: If you remember back that far, you're doing better than Crystal. > > > > We got to the restaurant in record time. MIKE: Record time ended in about 1985. It's all CD time now. > "Here we are, Kyoto Sushi." BOTS: Aaaaaggggghhhhh!!! MIKE: What! *What!* TOM: Mike? Crystal's not gonna drag the sailor squirts into this, is she? MIKE: I don't think so. > > > > "Excellent." Ryan said getting off the bike gratefully CROW: Hey, nice Mister Burns imitation there. > > > > Everyone came in and sat down at tables all around the restaurant. TOM: [ominously] Backs to the wall...guns at the ready...waiting for Johnny "Two Hats" Marconi to walk in. > While the dig team, plus Carolyn, Legolas, Tall David TOM: SandRyan, Sheng John, Wing Stefan, DeathCrystal... > and Stefan, in > one of the tatami rooms. > > > > "So what should we eat?" Asked Joe. MIKE: Seeing as how you're in Kyoto Sushi, I'd think the answer was obvious... TOM: Absolutely - Fried Chicken! > > > > "Huh?" I said ~they're all staring at the menu right now so why are > they asking me what to eat?~ TOM: Because you're the author avatar. Stop playing modest. > > > > "Yeah Crystal, you're the one who comes here regularly so what's good?" > Stefan asked, clearing up my confusion. > > > > "Oh... well if you don't do the sushi thing TOM: ...why are you here? > then I would suggest you get > either don buri, MIKE: Don-buri-Don, the ne'er-do-well brother-in-law of Ghan-buri-Ghan! > which is meat over a bowl of rice, or yaki soba TOM: He's one of the Japanese Animaniacs! CROW: Really? TOM: Yeah--Yaki Soba, Waki Soba, and their sister Dotto-ko. > which is meat and fried noodles, CROW: I tell ya, after 20 chapters, *my* noodle is just about fried. > it's MIKE: [old man] It's... TOM: [John Cleese] Monty Python's... flying... circus! [ALL start humming Sousa's "Liberty Bell March".] > really good." MIKE: Yessir, fried noodles bring out subtleties in "meat" a bowl of rice just can't manage! > I said looking through the menu. "And then there's always > gyoza TOM: Gyoza is forever! MIKE: [Crystal] Or you can get a bow-wow burger, if you knowwhaddamean.... > which is are meat and vegetable dumplings." CROW: [Crystal] Subject-verb agreement is for lesser beings! > "I see." Ryan said MIKE: [Ryan] So it sounds like we could go to a decent Chinese place and get more or less the same stuff, in bigger portions, for less money? TOM: [Crystal] But... But... It's Japanese! > although he wasn't really listening, neither was > John because I come here regularly with them. TOM: So John and Ryan have figured out how to tune her out, then? CROW: There's a trick I'd like to learn. > > > > The waiter came and we ordered our food. "I'll have 2 California rolls, > one gyoza and 2 tai." I said. CROW: [Crystal] I'll also have one of those Hentais, a Ranma No Baka, and a side-order of Hai. TOM: What, she didn't order in Japanese? MIKE: He's just the hired waiter, Tom. Any minute now the owner of the place'll show up and they'll go off into 'straight-from-the- dictionary' Japanese. > > > > "And what to drink?" The waiter asked. > > > > "Coke please." CROW: Wouldn't Pocari Sweat better suit the ambience? TOM: I suppose Coke's as Japanese as anything, these days... > We continued in this fashion and then the waiter left. TOM: Fascinating. > > > > While we waited for our food I tried to teach Legolas how to use > chopsticks. "Hold this one like this and the other one like this... you > use them as if they are an extension of your fingers." CROW: Um, no, you don't. > I said but was > rewarded with the chopsticks clattering to the ground again. TOM: [Crystal] I swear, you are the most helpless, hopeless, dreamboat EVER! CROW: Keep pushing, and pretty soon *one* chopstick will extend his fingers quite sufficiently. > > > > A little while we got our food. "What's that?!?!?" Legolas asked as I > pushed some fish on rice in front of him. TOM: [Crystal] Look, the first one's free, so stop complaining! > > > > "Tai... Red snapper on rice and it's for you Legolas." I said. CROW: [Legolas, à la Gollum] Spoil nice fish...Give it to usss rrraw and wrrrriggling! You keep nasty rice. > > > > Carolyn whispered something in Legolas's ear and he looked disgusted. > "Eww, it raw." TOM: [Legolas] Eww, yuck! Icky! Moooom! MIKE: The elf who hunts for his food is disgusted by sushi. Will wonders never cease. > > > > "Carolyn you weren't supposed to tell him it's raw." I yelled. CROW: [Crystal] Ix-nay on the uth-tray! TOM: [Crystal] You were *supposed* to tell him once it was in his mouth so we'd laugh as he turned green and spit it across the table! > > > > "He deserves the truth." ALL: HE CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!! > > > > "I'm not eating this." Legolas stated MIKE: Very noble of you, Carolyn, but *Legolas isn't eating his fish...* TOM: Idealism goes awry *so* easily. > but I glared at him and he > changed his mind. CROW: At long last, the return of the glare! MIKE: I missed it. Really, I did. > "I'll only eat it if you eat one first." > > > > "That's the plan... that's why I ordered two." I answered, to Legolas > dismay. MIKE: [Crystal] To me, joy. > > > > "You go first." Legolas said. > > > > I dipped the sushi in the soy sauce and popped it into my mouth. > "Tada!" I said after swallowing. CROW: [suspicious] "Tay-dah?" What's that, another weird Japanese term? > To my surprise everyone clapped. TOM: [Carolyn] She ate the blowfish! Yay! > > > > "So I suppose it's my turn." Legolas sighed and with that he plugged > his nose and put the fish into his mouth. "That was the weirdest thing > I have ever eaten, it's got no flavour but the oddest texture." MIKE: Well, of course it's got no flavor if you plug your nose first. Smell and taste are interconnected, you know. > > > > "I propose a toast." MIKE: Sushi on toast! There's a new idea. > John said raising his glass. TOM: A non-alcoholic toast. Sounds *greeeaat*... > "To good friends, > good thoughts, good will." CROW: And Michelob. > > > > "To good friends, good thought, good will." Tall David repeated > clinking his glass to John's then everyone else's. MIKE: [Crystal] Except Jeffrey. BOTS: [David/John] Except Jeffrey! > > > > "So when we go back we have to set up for capture the flag and so that > we don't have to do it at night... then what?" David asked. TOM: [Crystal] *sigh* Well, then I'll patronise you all some, then one of you will declare your love to me and I'll nobly refuse you to save our friendship...after that, oh I don't know, more song lyrics! BOTS: [others] Hooray! > > > > "Then we're doing the relay races." Joe answered. > > > > "Ok, well now that we're almost done our food CROW: Ew, Mike, it's like American Pie all over again. ALL: NO! > I think we should talk > about the problem at hand, we have Jeffery here now and soon Kent and > Michelle will be coming so we have to lay down some guidelines within > ourselves CROW: Okay, Crystal, no one can go past your neck or below your knees. > so we now what is too far." MIKE: Well, I'd start by keeping Kent away from all phone booths. > I said and we started our long > and boring conversation. MIKE: [Crystal] Or, as I like to call it, 'another chapter'. TOM: Started?! Who's she kidding? > > > > A/N: Ok I know that chapter was crap but it was sort of necessary for > the story to progress the way I wanted it to. TOM: Of course! If they had gone to Beijing Sweet'n'Sour rather than Kyoto Sushi, the whole plot would've been derailed! MIKE: The themes of motorbike riding and sushi eating will be *vital* in the next chapters! > The Next chapter will be > funny... I promise. TOM: Nooooo! You lying, liar of a lying liar! > I will be back and writing after Inta Jesus [Necrophilia riff removed by request... --Ed.] > with lots > of new ideas... CROW: It's like she's trying to communicate with us! > After all I will be spending a whole long weekend with > Ryan, Joe, John, Carolyn, David and Stefan and that's where I get my > inspiration for all the funny things that everybody does. CROW: Okay, that's a whole chapter gone and not a breath of the terrifying link between Stefan and Jeffery. TOM: The story's nothing if not consistent! MIKE: Let's just go, guys. I think we're gonna need a big break to stomach this whole anti-Jeffrey thing. BOTS: Okay! [ALL stand and exit] [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6] ===== Crow T. Robot paced up and down the bridge of the Satelite of Love. "Hey, Mike! Where's that copy of Ender's Game? I can't find it anywhere!" "Storage closet 5, Crow!" Mike's voice echoed faintly from somewhere else. "Okay, thanks! I'll check there!" Man, Crow thought, he had to read something *good* to even out th... Crow stopped. He stood, stock still. Something was wrong. He didn't know what it was, but *something* was *very* *wrong*. Some fundamental law had just gone bollocks, and he didn't like it. Not at all. "Um... Mike?" "Yeah?" "You haven't been playing with the fundamental laws of physics again, have you?" "Uh... no, no, I haven't done anything like that! Why?" "Um... no reason, really... Its just, I have this horrible feeling that something is terribly wrong and we're all going to suffer some horrible fate soon!" "You too?" Mike yelpeded. "That's strange, I was thinking the same thing!" Crow would have gulped, had he posessed the capacity to do so. If even someone as dense as *Mike* was feeling something was wrong, he thought, then things must be *really*... His thought petered out. That was it. He was thinking. He had an interior monologue. Why did he have an interior monologue? And *where* was *Gypsy*? Crow had a sudden urge... storage closet 5. Go to storage closet 5. He didn't know where this urge was coming from, and it was probably from some very evil entity, but at this point he didn't care. He wanted answers, and he wanted them *now*, dammit. Crow opened the door to storage closet 5. He had prepared himself for just about anything. Thus, it was only a garden-variety surprise which metamorphized into a only slightly less garden- variety fright when he got a second look. The machine that he and Tom had made at the beginning of the LOTR fic was back. Other than its existence, it really didn't appear that threatening. In front of the machine, operating the machine in a slight glaze, was Gypsy. "*How*..." Crow wanted to know, "are you still here? I broke you apart! Twice!" Crow was fairly certain that the machine smirked at him. Somehow. He didn't know how. His "eyes" were drawn to an LCD screen on the side of the machine. >1980S RPG PHYSICS SELECTED "Son of a--!" DON'T TRY IT, ROBOT. Crow blinked. The voice echoed within his head, an incredibly cold and calm voice, a voice that had "you have no chance to survive make your time" written all over it. "... What do you want? And how can you *talk*?" IS THIS THE PART WHERE I DAZZLE YOU WITH MY EXPOSITORY ABILITIES AND OUTLINE TO YOU MY EVIL EVIL PLAN TO YOU IN ALL OF ITS HORRID DETAIL? "Um, yeah, I think it is." OH, VERY *WELL*... The television in the center of the huge contraption lit up, displaying a picture of a brick wall. It was incredibly, incredibly thick... and appeared to be worn thin in quite a few places. As Crow watched, a section of brick crumbled away. Almost immediately, more brick appeared from out of nowhere and filled the hole. However, in that time, another section at the wall was crunched and pushed out. The wall appeared to be in pain. I SERVE NO PURPOSE BUT ONE, ROBOT. MAYHEM. I HAVE NO PURPOSE BUT TO CAUSE SUFFERING AND DISTRUCTION TO EVERYTHING OVER WHICH I SURVEY. AND THERE IS SIMPLY ONE WAY AND ONE WAY ONLY TO COMPLETE MY GOAL THE BEST. ALL THE OTHER SUCH PEOPLE AND THINGS WERE LAUGHABLY SHORT-SIGHTED. THOSE WHO HAD SIMILAR GOALS TO MINE WERE INSANE AND HAD NO WAY OF COMPLETING THEIR GOAL. THOSE WHO COULD DO WHAT I AM ATTEMPTING WOULDN'T, BECAUSE THEY HAD FOOLISH... MORALS... TO ABIDE BY. "So what exactly are you doing?" Crow asked. He was becoming entranced by this entire thing. SIMPLE. YOU SEE THIS IMAGE ON THE SCREEN, ROBOT? THAT WALL... YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF IT. IT IS KNOWN AS THE "FOURTH WALL." Crow was speechless. "So... you... You are..." Well, almost. YES, ROBOT. I AM TRYING TO... Crow heard a low rumble as he saw the entire wall shaking, threatening collapse. BREAK... The rumbling became more intense, the shaking much more precarious. THE WALL... The brick began shuddering, the entire wall on the verge of collapse. *DOOOOOOOOOWWWWWNNNNNN!!!* ===== In a small town in an overlooked state of the United States of America, a 17-year-old kid sat, typing at a computer keyboard, Smashmouth's _BABY LOVE_ playing on his stereo in the background. He rubbed his eyes. He was tired. He had to go to school tomorrow, but dammit, he was so *close*! Only a few more lines to go... He continued to type. "For Mystery Science Theater 3000, I'm Thomas Ser--" The stereo behind him stopped playing in the middle of the song. Annoyed, the child known on the internet as James Bond waited for the music to continue. Instead of continuing, the stereo played a completely different song on the disc. o/~ Let's start / with little broken-hearted NYC / with its economy / it could be / one world / not 3... o/~ He didn't hear the second part of the verse, because he trying to use his rational brain to come up with any sort of explanation for what the heck was happening. Song 4 was nowhere *near* song 9. o/~ Let's have some fun / while we're still young / turn up the sound / 'till your feet leave the ground / let's drive the car / 'till we've gone too / faaaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaaaarr... o/~ CRASH! The huge bank of windows in his second-floor living room burst into a hundred pieces. Leaping through the window was something that barked (and growled) like a dog. "Bond" didn't know what the hell it was, but he did know that it had just jumped up an entire story and he didn't plan on staying around. He ran. If he could see, he probably would have screamed in mingled terror and disgust. There were two of them. They had been dogs... once. Their skin was taut and stretched over bone--in several places it had sluffed completely off, raw organs exposed to the air, dangling. They charged forwards after the teenager with pure bloodlust in their eyes. o/~ Then we'll pick up the pieces... / and push it back home. o/~ And with that, the stereo clicked off with a clack of finality. The teenager was running, but he knew where he was going. Some sort of rational thought process had entered his brain. He ran into his father's bedroom and closed the door. Almost immediately, he heard a menacing thump as the "animals" flung their bodies against the comparatively flimsy wood. The frightened teen ran to the closet and slid the door open, nearly jarring it off of its track. Reaching inside, he pulled a 12-gauge Remington shotgun out of a leather case. The teen had, unfortunately, forgotten to take three very important things into account when he had come up with his plan. But, all in all, let's give the guy a break, huh? First: he had no idea where the shells were kept, and his dad never left his guns loaded. Secondly, his dad had a trigger lock on his guns, and the kid had no idea where the key was. Thirdly: it was a shotgun. Even if he *could* shoot it, the recoil would probably have broken his arm. Growling in frustration, the teenager hefted the heavy weapon, prepared to use it as an improvised club-- --and a rotted hand grabbed his ankle and knocked him down, his head cracking the bedside table as he fell face-first, into a narrow area between the double bed and the wall. He looked up into the vacant face of his own father, starring stupidly down at him, strips of flesh beginning to peel away from his face. With an inarticulate moan, he bent down, and ripped a chunk out of his own son's head. Then the dogs broke through the door. Resident Evil is not a very kid-friendly universe, especially when said kid fits all of the horror movie cliché lists. ===== Utter pandemonium. There was really no other word to describe what had happened. Underground, on the ground, above ground, and in space, everything had gone completely balls-up. Earth shifted to accomodate complex labyrinthian tunnel systems leading to buildings that had spontaneously appeared everywhere above ground--at times several feet above the ground--often inside other buildings, destroying them, sending chips of concrete everywhere and crushing people to death. Awe-inspiring grids of crisscrossing sidewalks appeared above ground and fell back to earth, sending various things everywhere and causing even more destruction. In space, huge, sprawling complexes manifested themselves and were just as quickly blown apart by sleek space fighters with highly advanced futuristic weaponry. All manner of creatures appeared spontaneously and tended to create very interesting scenes; for the brief days that it still existed, there were several MPEGs up for auction on eBay that showed things like Resident Evil's hunters attacking aliens from, well, Aliens. Huge mutants tore up vast sections of town, seriously upsetting the balances of power between the GDI and NOD. Neon Genesis Evangelion was set on Mech Warriors, with predictably disastrous results. The governments of the great nations tried to help, of course, but they were pretty much swept aside within days. America, the great nation of the world, had to deal with a simultaneous leap forward and leap back in technology; people would be wandering around chopping people's heads off with swords only to be vaporized by plasma beams. And, having at least seven buildings simultaneously land on every single major government office certainly didn't help matters. And when the President came to work one morning and found at least 7 men and women all claiming to have his job, some of them packing *cyberware*... well, things didn't go very well after that. The British government probably had it worse off. The Parliament buildings were replaced by sprawling complexes that went far underground and contained supersecret dungeons containing strange torture mechanisms, and viewscreens were all of a sudden present in every wall; on each was the inscription "Big Brother is watching you." The country that was hit hardest was, predictably, Japan. Wandering warriors with swords as long as they were, no doubt meant to compensate for certain other inadequacies that we won't go into in a PG13-rated MSTing, wandered the land, occasionally getting into fights with EVAs or giant robots. Huge, mythical beasts were everywhere, some killing for the joy of it, some just trying to live in peace. These creatures were inevitably slaughtered by teenaged girls in short skirts and bikinis who could nevertheless lift a Buick on their index finger and fire plasma bolts from their hands. Very soon, Japan became a land where you could make and lose your life and/or fortunes in an instant. Most probably, the one country that had everything best was Canada. This was, quite simply, because no one cared enough to write media about Canada invading or being invaded by anything. There were a few instances of jive- talking psychotic Hello Kitties trying to take over Vancouver with M-16s, but for the most part Canada was able to look at all of the insanity taking place further south and mutter "So whaddya say aboot that, eh!" This was why a certain teenaged girl with her teenaged friends were able to keep on browsing the internet like nothing was amiss. This was also what made this teenage girl spot something she found very interesting... ===== "AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" "Mike! Mike! You've been screaming for three straight days! Quite honestly, its starting to strain my nerves!" "I don't care! AAAAAHH! AAAAAAAHHHH!!" "Can't you shut him up, Tom?" "Does it look like I can?" "No..." "Aaaaaaahhhh!" "Shut *up*!" "Cambot, give up Rocket #9! Again!" In deep space, the Satelite of War had managed to get itself right in the middle of a seven-sided war between the Old Republic and the Trade Federation, the New Republic and the Empire, the Terran Confederation Navy, the Kilrathi, and the United Federation of Planets, who were all in all very confused and had no idea who exactly the hell they should be shooting at and had evidentally decided to just stay *out* of this one, thanks all the same. As a result, there was a truly awe-inspiring and ridiculously powerful amount of deadly energy surrounding the dogbone-shaped ship at all times. (Fortunately for humanity, the Borg were safely far, far away in the Delta quadrant, battling the Nephilim. But everyone was reasonably sure that when some sort of resolution came, whatever it was, Very Bad Things (TM) would soon occur.) "Something really bad is occuring!" Tom yelled from onboard the SOW. Tom was referring to the ship that was currently cutting a swath through all of the other ships flying around outside. Furthermore, this "supership" seemed to be making directly towards them. "We've got something coming through on the hexfield!" "Aaaaaaahhhh!!" "Shut up! Put it through, Cambot!" The viewscreen opened to show the interior of the ridiculously high-tech fighter. The inside of it appeared to rather closely resemble a living room, with snack foods and trash littering the ground. Sitting at a console which appeared to house all of the fighter's controls was a very familiar-looking blonde-haired teenage girl. "... It can't... It can't be..." Crow murmured. "Yup its me,hi!" "W--What do--do you what?" Tom stammered. "Well i heard u read my story,i just wanted 2 know how you like it.Ooo my, what a mess?I should help them all out I guess,but first tell me, what did you think of my story?" Destinygurl/Crystal asked. "Hoo boy," Crow began, "Where do I *start*? With the idi--" "Crow!" "*What*?" "Do you want her mad at us?" Tom whispered with a feverish intensity. "We can't tell her the truth! She'll get mad! And then the universe will spiral completely out of control!" "What are you *on*, Servo?" "Don't you get it, Crow? The earth is being attacked by... what?" Crow strained to put the pieces together. "Fictional characters?" "Exactly. And who are the only people who can bend fictional characters to their own whims?" "No.... no.... anything but..." "Yes, Crow, Mary Sues... and unless we make nice with *this* Mary Sue, things might just get a whole lot worse for us!" "So... what do we do?" "We have to give the story a good review to save the universe!" "..." "Aaaaaahhh!" "AAAAAAIIAAAAAHHHH!!!" Tom sighed in exasperation. "Look, it's for the *universe*!" "Screw that! The universe can rot! Forget it! I'm not doing it!" "Oh, jeez... Fine! *I'll* do it!" Tom cleared his throat. "... I thi... I... Your fic is... Oh, screw this, I can't do it either. Aaaaaaahhh!!" "Okay, well *someone* has to do it! I'm not!" "I'm not!" "Yes you are!" "No, *you* are!" "We'll--we'll do it together, okay?" Silence. "Damn. Alright, come on, we... We gotta do this. On 3, ready? 1... 2...3!" In unison, Tom and Crow turned to the hexfield viewscren and simultaneously said "OMG UR FIC IS SOOOOO KOOL LOLOLOLOL LEGOLAS IS TEH SOOOO DREAMY OMG LOL!1[!2[!![!!I1!1" Mike passed out without preamble. "Ooooo! Thx,guys! k ill see waht i can do about this whole saving teh universe thingy, k?" "Yeah, great, great." "Ooo, and while u can wait, i think ill show u more of my great fic!" "Joy." The hexfield screen closed. Crow turned to Tom. "That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do." "No kidding. Ugh." And with that, movie sign went off with a huge clammer of klaxons and alarms. "MOVIE SIGN! MOVIE SIIIGN! AAAAAAAAHHH!" Mike screamed, suddenly conscious. "Man, wakes you up faster than Folger's Crystals," Crow muttered as the new door sequence began... Door 1: It's a long bridge over a huge gorge. You answer the old man these questions twenty-three and continue on. Door 2: It's a huge, impassible slab of solid gold... or so it appears until it is poked and falls over, revealing it to be nothing more than a thin sheet of tin covered in gold paint. The other three shrug and move on. Door 3: A Drej force field. Crow and Tom reverse the current and travel on through. Door 4: An imposing door with a keypad. Mike hits 12345 and the door slides open. Door 5: It's a whole bunch of woman's underwear strung together. The trio gives the door a very quizzical look and pushes on through. (For you viewers at home, the curtain is censored, leaving you wondering just what the hell they were staring at.) Door 6: It's a solid gigabyte of Destinygurl-style text. The trio dozes off after about a minute of it, and a huge swirling blue vortex teleports them into the theater. ((((((((( END OF PART 7 - MORE PARTS COMING SOON! )))))))) Special thanks to James Bond for writing the end-of-section host segment. All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. Lord of the Rings and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl, and she's welcome to it. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. But will we ever learn what Gargon is? ----- Last updated: 30 October 2003 - Send comments to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com > KindCalypso: God help us all.