MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Chapters 13-15 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, His Majesty the God-Emperor, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > 13. Playland and hyperness MIKE: Official slogan of "Legolas, Back to the Future". > > Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or Playland or anything else MIKE: Get it? > got it, good. CROW: You learn fast, young Padawan! > > > > A/N: I'm soooooooooooo sorry TOM: There aren't enough "o"s in "so" to say just how sorry she is. > I haven't updated in so long it's just > that CROW: [Destinygurl] ...Having wacky adventures with my elf buddy takes time! > I'm running low on ideas TOM: And boy does it show! CROW: Lessee, take Legolas with me to go get my Dad's paycheck, go pay the electric bill, return my copy of "Fellowship of the Rings" to the video store... MIKE: Stop that. > and also my friend came here from > Vancouver Island TOM: Oh, the ghost guy from Desolate Shores? > and we were busy all week. CROW: If ya know what I mean... > I just rented the extended > version of 'The Fellowship of the Rings' CROW: [Destinygurl] So now I know *everything* about The Ring Trilogy! > and I TOM: [Destinygurl] ...just realized my story isn't about Legolas at all! > strongly recommend it as > it goes closer to the book CROW: [Destinygurl] Not that I've read it... > and it is very interesting, MIKE: [Crystal] See? *Nothing* like my story. > it has over 30 > minutes of extra footage right in the movie. I should be updating more > soon. TOM: Hm... Never knew Canada taugh MojoJojospeak as a language... > > > > ********************************************************************* > > > > That morning I was the first to wake up so I went over to Legolas' > sleeping form and jumped up and down yelling. MIKE: [Crystal] GET OUT! GET OUTTA THERE! > "WE'RE GOING TO PLAYLAND, > WE'RE GOING TO PLAYLAND, YAY!!!" CROW: Oh *this* is a mature 18-year-old... ALL: [Animaniacs] Boingee! Boingee! Boingee! > > > > Legolas sat up grumbling. "Go away." CROW: AAAWWW!!! Our little Leggie's developing a backbone! TOM: [sniff] They grow up so fast! > > > > "Fine I will." I said. So I went over to the Hide-A-Bed and jumped up > and down yelling CROW: [Crystal] ...on Carolyn's neck, killing her instantly... TOM: [Crystal] DIE, THIRD WHEEL! DIE! > "CAROLYN WE'RE GOING TO PLAYLAND!!" MIKE: Now playing Legolas Greenleaf the *elven warrior*...Carolyn C. ALL: *slash!* *thwack!* > > > > Carolyn woke up and once she heard what I was saying she TOM: ...rolled over and went back to sleep. > too started > jumping around. ALL: [rapping] Jump around! Jump around! Jump up, jump up and get down! TOM: Okay, who put the crack in their water supply? MIKE: Crystal did, remember? TOM: Oh yeah... > > > > Legolas gave up on both of us CROW: [Legolas] Apparently no one in this story is ever going to sleep with me. > and went to get ready. MIKE: Good to see he's finally the responsible one in the household. CROW: [Legolas] Fellowship? What fellowship? I'm going to Playland! > > > > ********************************************************************** > > "Put on some sunscreen." I advised as I rubbed the thick white cream TOM: MMMWAH!!! Good night, everybody! > on my exposed arm. CROW: It puts the lotion on its skin... TOM: And *we* all get the hose again! > "Just don't let it touch your... TOM: [Crystal] ...your...you know.... > make that John's > clothes, it'll stain." CROW: And that'll cause all *sorts* of problems for the President! TOM: It will not! He is *clearly* not having sexual relations with that woman! > > > > "It smells funny." Legolas commented sniffing the bottle. MIKE: Dear Lord! First they get him strung out on sugar, then jacked up on coffee, now they're trying to get him high? What's next? ALL: [thinking for a beat, then] Jack Daniels! Woo hoo!!! > > > > "No, it smells good." Carolyn corrected. MIKE: [Crystal] All right, Carolyn. Where'd you learn to do this stuff? I wanna know! CROW: [Carolyn] ... MIKE: [Crystal] Answer me! Where'd you learn this stuff? CROW: [Carolyn] ... MIKE: [Crystal] I... said... CROW: [Carolyn] You, all right?! I learned it by watching you! TOM: People who sniff sunscreen... have friends who sniff sunscreen. > > > > "Sure whatever." Legolas finished not wanting to argue. CROW: [Sadly] Well... They finally broke him... MIKE: Apathy's all that gets him through the day anymore... > > > > I swung my backpack over my shoulder and headed for the door. TOM: [Crystal] I to find the passage back to the place I was before. > "Come on > guys lets go." I yelled at the two who were still getting last minute > things. TOM: [Legolas] Wait! No one move till I find my swords! CROW: [Carolyn] Hold on, Crystal, I'm still in my underwear! MIKE: [Crystal as played by Tom Baker] Move, move! You are too slow! Last one out the door gets a lick o' the cat! > > > > *********************************************************************** > > > > > When we got to the skytrain station I got out and ran over to > everybody. I started to jump around again yelling TOM: Crystal - You rendered one of literature's classic characters into a big bag of hammers! What are you going to do now? > "WE'RE GOING TO > PLAYLAND!!" CROW: [Joe] Not with you we're not! MIKE: Too bad "everybody" includes the Vancouver Olympics organizers. > > > > "WE WERE AWARE OF THAT FACT!" Ryan yelled back at me. MIKE: [Ryan] Oh, yeah. And "Reeehh!" > > > > Stefan, exercising his newfound height over me, CROW: Found it just last week, at the back of his closet. MIKE: [Stefan] I'm huge! > walked over and planted > one hand firmly on each of my shoulders, TOM: [Crystal] Then Carolyn planted one fist firmly into my face. > trying to keep me on the > ground MIKE: [Crystal] o/~ I'm as corny as Kansas in August! High as a flag on the Fourth of July! o/~ > then he asked Carolyn. "What did you give her this morning, > chocolate covered coffee beans?" CROW: [Carolyn] Just the usual big bowl of pure plantation sugar known to man. > > > > "Oh shush, hobbit." CROW: [Crystal] Oh, why don't you go burgle some lost dragon gold or something? > I said batting his hands away. TOM: [announcer] And it's a long drive right into center field... MIKE: Man, people just keep losing body parts left and right in this fanfic! > "Aren't I allowed to > be hyper?" MIKE: [Stefan] Well, there is that new anti-brainless teenage girl legislation... > > > > Stefan looked indignant at this remark. "Hey I'm not the hobbit > anymore, TOM: [Stefan] Yeah, I eat six meals a day and I've got hairy feet, but still... > I'm taller than you." CROW: 4'9" compared to 4'6" is still short, Stefan. > > > > "Yeah, like half an inch." I retorted. TOM: [Crystal] Where's that blasted brick?!?! CROW: Man, what a retort! MIKE: Such witty repartee! It's like O'Toole and Hepburn...'s talentless half- siblings. > > > > "Besides" Ryan said. "We'll call you that nickname forever." MIKE: [Stefan] So is that how it is, "Puddles?" TOM: [Ryan] YOU PROMISED NEVER TO CALL ME THAT!!! CROW: [Stefan] Fine, fine. Then you're still "Blindy McHairypalm". > > > > "Hobbit? Stefan's not a hobbit, CROW: [Legolas] Hobbits are *much* more masculine... > hobbits are only four feet tall and > they have furry feet." Legolas reasoned with us. TOM: [chuckles] Surely he's realized the futility of *that* by now. MIKE: Legolas, what did we tell you about *reasoning* with them? > > > > John smirked. TOM: The official expression of Mary Sue fanfics everywhere. > "When Stefan first came to our church he was shorter that > all of us so Ryan dubbed him the hobbit MIKE: [John] Our church is a cruel, heartless place wherein we ruthlessly mock any outsider. TOM: [Legolas] ...So how is it different from any other church? CROW: BADUM TISH! TOM: Now, repeat that joke over and over for a half an hour, and you've got any '80s British sitcom you care to name. > and it has been that way ever > since, just because he's taller now doesn't mean we'll stop calling > Stefan the hobbit, CROW: [John] I mean, look at him! You don't think we'd let him have self-esteem, do you? > it's just stuck." he explained. MIKE: Like the plot of this story, for example. TOM: Why do I have this sudden image of a blood-soaked Stefan being led into a squad car muttering "They wouldn't stop calling me 'Hobbit?'" > > > > "Yeah it's kinda like tall David and small David." Joe put in. CROW: [Joe] Except that there's an actual David who's tall and an actual short David, so it's not... Really... The same... illshutupnow... > > > > "That's really funny, actually small David, who you know." I said > gesturing at David. TOM: [David] Oh, am I in this fanfic? > "Was very tall when we dubbed him small David, just > not as tall as tall David and now small David is taller than tall David CROW: But Goliath's still taller than either of them! > but the name still sticks." I said very fast. TOM: [Crystal] IT'S FUNNY!!! LAUGH, DAMN YOU!!! MIKE: [Legolas] Legolas...confused! Legolas...die! Aaaaaaaaccckkk!!! > > > > "Yup and Julie, my sister, will always be known as the troll even when > she's older." MIKE: [Ryan] True, her habit of hiding under bridges and eating billy goats doesn't help... CROW: [Troll] N-B-C! Used to be a peacock. But we ATE IT. TOM: Super ultra mega obscurity bonus! [Crow is surrounded by a glowing, rotating helix.] > Ryan continued adding yet another nickname to the list > Legolas was presently trying to take in. MIKE: [Legolas] Is this gonna be on the test? CROW: [Legolas] Grrr.... I really should have learned shorthand! TOM: [Legolas] Maybe I should log all these into my PalmPilot... > > > > "I never got why you called her that, she's really short." I > questioned. CROW: [Ryan] Are you kidding? Look at her fa--err, I mean, uh, I don't know. TOM: That's not a question, it's a statement! IT'S A STATEMENT!!!! 15-love! > > > > Ryan just shrugged in response. CROW: [Crystal] Could you be any *more* apathetic? MIKE: [Ryan, shrugs shoulders] Eh... > > > > "How do you keep track of all these names?" TOM: [Crystal, offhandedly] Oh, just my standard issue Mary Sue Perfect Recall... > Legolas asked in distress. CROW: [Legolas] Help, help! I'm being distressed! TOM: Dis-tress, dat-tress, what does it matter? > > > > Carolyn came to the rescue. "Don't worry it took me a while to figure > out all the nicknames and other important things you get it soon." TOM: [Ron Weasley] She really needs to get her priorities straight! MIKE: [Legolas] But I only have ten days! TOM: [Crystal, muttering] Heh heh... that's what *he* thinks... > > > > I resumed my jumping "LET'S GO! LET'S GO!" MIKE: [drill instructor] MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE!!! > I yelled racing over to get > my ticket. TOM: [Crystal] Don't make me break out the Mind Sifter on you, people! > > > > My hyper ness was contagious and pretty soon TOM: ...Vancouver was under a WHO travel advisory. > we were all wired TOM: Jacked up and good to go. > so we > decided to run up the down escalator. CROW: [Crystal] Of course we forgot to explain this to Legolas. He's probably still down there climbing up and wondering why he isn't going anywhere. > (Which was one of our favourite > pastimes) CROW: Oh, you wild, crazy, thrill-seeking funsters you! MIKE: They'd better be careful. This could lead to dancing. And dancing could lead to DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION. TOM: The idea of a game of DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION set up on a moving escalator is a strangely appealing one. > > > > Much to our dismay we got on a train with a transit security guard. TOM: [Crystal] Psst! It's the Man! Ghost! > "Well there goes my idea of running up and down the train to get some > of my energy out." Carolyn grumbled. TOM: Running on a train? That's immoral! MIKE: Well, if you'd just cut down on the honey-roasted crack, this wouldn't be an issue! > > > > "Reeehh." Ryan said. MIKE: [Carolyn] Laugh it up, fuzzball. > > > > "Shnirgin." Joe yelled. TOM: Schlemiel, schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! MIKE: And if this isn't why they put transit security guards on trains, it should be! > > > > The ride was quite uneventful aside from Ryan making weird noises MIKE: Well, it serves him right for eating those pretzels so quickly. > and > me bouncing off the walls (almost literally). MIKE: o/~ Upside down, bouncin' on the ceiling! o/~ CROW: [Crystal] Okay, it was literal. Legolas kept slamming my head into the walls. What a kidder! TOM: [Crystal] And then the security guard called those nice guys in the white coats and we spent the rest of our days in the happy house... the end! > > > > ********************************************************************* > > > > We transferred to the bus about 20 minutes later MIKE: Thrill as we watch a group of people use PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION! > and took it to the > entrance of Playland. MIKE: Which might bring up the question of why you didn't just pile into the King Cab and drive there? TOM: Obviously because then we wouldn't have gotten that RIVETING "Getting ready to leave" scene! MIKE: Of course! What was I thinking? > When we got into the park Legolas was speechless CROW: [Legolas] Gah, horrible! TOM: [Legolas] DEVILS! > he had never seen so much going on in one place, MIKE: Except for maybe, um... Lothlorien, Rivendell, Helm's Deep... TOM: Edoras... Minas Tirith... That huge *battle* she just beamed him away from... hell, even *the mall!* CROW: And don't forget his 2000th birthday when he finally turned legal! > his silent awe was > disturbed too soon TOM: [Crystal] ...causing him to stick his knives into my chest... > as I pushed him along to get our all day ride passes > activated. BOTS: All day ride passes--Activate! > > > > "So what should we do first?" Joe asked. ALL: LEAVE! TOM: [Crystal] How about we stand here and debate on what to go on for five hours, while the audience gets bored to tears! MIKE: [Carolyn] Hooray! CROW: [Joe] Plot, who needs it? > > > > "The swings." I yelled. MIKE: [covering his ears] Aaugh! Crystal! We're *two feet away!* CROW: [spluttering] For God's sake! I know you guys are eighteen but talk like civilized adults for once will ya! > > > > "Why the swings?" Stefan asked MIKE: [Crystal] BECAUSE I SAID SO, DAMMIT!!! TOM: [Stefan, cowed] Yesmymistress... > > > > "It's my tradition." I answered simply. CROW: Tradition? They might as well call Ryan's piggy noise a tradition then! > > > > So we ran over to the huge rotating swing ride. "I don't know if I want > to do this." MIKE: [Legolas] I mean, we just met, and my mother told me about fast girls like you! > Legolas said taking one look at the high ride as it spun > rapidly. CROW: [Legolas] I ain't getting on anything that big and weird built by humans! TOM: [Legolas] Face an army of orcs? Sure. Shooting my bow while riding down a rickety staircase on a small metal shield? No problem. Riding a swing they let five-year-old children on? Mommy, hold me... *whimper* > > > > "Too bad so sad you're coming anyway." CROW: [Crystal] Really, as if your wants even *enter* the picture.... > I said vaulting the barricade > into the line area. (So we didn't have to walk all the way around). CROW: I thought it was just to be edgy and disrespectful... MIKE: [Crystal] All the other people in line got really mad, but what do I care? I'm *GOD!* > > > > "Hey get over it, this is probably one of the least scary ride you'll > have to go on today." Carolyn said hopping to reassure Legolas > but just making him more scared. CROW: [Carolyn] Jump up and down, Legolas! It'll make you feel better! MIKE: I'm with you there, Legolas. One girl jumping round like an idiot over a cheesy theme park, another bouncing like a moron to cheer me up...who wouldn't be scared? TOM: Indeed, he's seen enough bouncing today already to leave *anyone* disturbed. > > > > So we all got strapped into ALL: Aaaaaagggggghhhhh!!! > our individual swings ALL: Phew! CROW: Are you SURE that this isn't a porn 'fic? MIKE: ...YES... no... Yes... Maybe... Pass. Pass. > in the same section. > The ride jerked and the music started, beside me I heard Legolas > whimper CROW: [Legolas] Sorry... My mother was run over by a calliope... MIKE: [Legolas] Gaaak--Crystal! They tied the safety harnesses too tight! I can't--breathe!!! > so I reached over and squeezed his hand. ALL: GAAAAAAH! CROW: Mike, ARE YOU *SURE* that this isn't a lemon? MIKE: ...No. [Mike begins sobbing.] > "Don't worry you'll be fine, CROW: [Crystal] Elves are immortal, right? > I've been on this ride hundreds of times and I'm still here." TOM: [Crystal] Sometimes, late at night, you can see a ghostly image of me, riding, riding around... MIKE: [Crystal] Wanna see my bandage collection? > I > comforted Legolas then let go of his hand because the ride started TOM: [Crystal] ...and ripped it out of its socket... > moving. CROW: [Crystal] And I had to raise my hands during the ride to Stick It To The Man. MIKE: [Legolas] Yes! This is my chance! One good shove! No one will ever prove different! TOM: [Crystal] What was that? MIKE: [Legolas] Nothing! Nothing! > > > > We flew around going up and down for about 5 minutes then we stopped. ALL: Whee. TOM: You see? Now she can fly! The Mary Sue won't stop! Soon she and Carolyn will get telepathic powers and-- MIKE: They were on an amusement park ride... Relax. TOM: [sheepishly] ...Oh. Heh, heh. My bad. > I quickly threw up ALL: Whoa! CROW: Ha ha! You suck Crystal! > the bar CROW: Damn it! > and jumped out of the swing. "So how did you > like it?" MIKE: [Legolas] I've had more fun being picked up and thrown by orcs.. CROW: [Legolas, whispering] You'll all pay. Oh yes, you'll all-[normal] Err, what did you say? > I asked Legolas as I undid the chain keeping him in place. ALL: AIIAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHH!!! TOM: So she *chained* him *down*??? CROW: Okay, Mike, if this isn't fecking elf porn then what the bleeding smeg was THAT?!? MIKE: An unintentional oversight leading to endless hilarity. CROW: ...Oh. MIKE: Now be a good little 'bot and just deal. > > > > "That was great." Legolas answered ALL: [a great deal of throat-clearing] TOM: The master of understatement, Ladies and Gentlemen! > > > > "And we're just getting started." I yelled CROW: [EMI'S FANTASIES principal] No! Thees ees yoor poneeshment! TOM: [shivering] Make it stop! > as I grabbed Legolas' hand > and ran over to where everyone else was. CROW: Legolas fluttering in her slipstream... > "HELLEVATOR, HELLEVATOR!" I > yelled bouncing up and down. MIKE: No summoning spells, Crystal! TOM: [Crystal] We're going straight to Hell! Isn't this fun? > > > > "Ok Crystal we'll go on the Hellevator." Stefan said laughing lightly. CROW: [Stefan] Heh, I said "hell"... TOM: [Stefan] Aw, don't mind silly little Cryssy-wissy! She hasn't had her nappy today! MIKE: [Stefan, bored] Oh, okay, we'll submit ourselves to the care of Satan and all his little wizards, if you *insist*... > > > > So we left the swings, ran around the kiddie rides and down a hill TOM: And then we realized *we couldn't stop!* > to > the 200-foot high tower that was the Hellevator. TOM: [menacing] 5th floor: Dresses, stockings, and SATAN! > We got into the line > and were on the ride before Legolas got a chance to see what it did. MIKE: [Legolas] Hey, Crystal, what are all these body parts lying around? And what's all this red stuff--OH MY GOD, IT'S BLOOD!!! TOM: Geez, there must be *no one* at Playland today. Is this Canada post-WWIII? CROW: Well, it *is* 2007 after all--who knows what might have happened in the interim... > > > > A/N: If you want to see pictures of the Hellevator and other rides in > Playland just go to this site here: MIKE: Oooh! Informative! > and for info on the PNE go here: CROW: Maybe her websites got shot off in the war... > By the way if you live in the Vancouver area or are visiting in the Summer > I would suggest going to Playland for a day it is so much fun. TOM: [Crystal] So screw Disneyworld! Six Flags can go to Hell! PLAYLAND FOREVER!!! CROW: [whispering quickly] Destinygurl is a paid endorser for Playland(TM), a division of Incorporated Corporation Industries Limited. > > > > We got strapped in with John, me and Stefan on one side. MIKE: What, she's not sitting next to Legolas? CROW: Good Lord, she's not taking advantage of him at every opportunity? What kind of fangirl is she? > Carolyn, > Legolas and Joe on another, and Ryan and David on the third. Some > people we didn't know were on the fourth side of the white and red > tower. TOM: [Crystal, cheerily] They were the first to die! > > > > "So what does this thing do?" Legolas asked Carolyn. MIKE: [Carolyn] Take years off your life. > > > > Carolyn grinned evilly. "It goes up." She said pointing in the > direction of the sky. TOM: [Legolas] And... Then what? CROW: [Carolyn] Umm... It comes down really fast? TOM: [Legolas] Riiight... > > > > At this remark Legolas looked very worried. CROW: [Legolas] Oh no, my fake pointy ears will fall off! MIKE: [Legolas] I repeat my prior statement about human built things... > > > > We heard the hydraulics charging and I said. TOM: That's so Zen. > "Smile for the camera." > (There is a camera that takes your picture just before you go) TOM: Man, Mike! I thought America was the only place where privacy was a thing of the past! MIKE: I don't think she meant "go" like that, Servo! CROW: You were trying to keep him hidden, story! Freaked out when someone saw his ears, story! Don't want to be swamped by the press, story! Are you just breaking your own rules for the simple pleasure of breaking rules now? Oh, hey, wasn't Legolas supposed to go back on *Tuesday*?! Oh, but of course, going to *Playland* is more important to you than the fate of the bloody world, isn't it! Must *everything* *revolve* around *you*? Must it? MUST IT? MIKE: Um, Crow, I really think you should calm down. CROW: Calm down? CALM DOWN? We're watching an 18-year-old reach into the dimensional fabric and play with it like it's her own personal plaything and he's telling me to CALM *DOWN*?!? No, Mike! I *won't* calm down! And *you* can't *make* me! I've *had* it with this lame-ass Mary Sue scrub and her trotting coven of compatriots! *I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE*! [now glowing] RAGING... TOM: ... *Oh* no... CROW: [still glowing] POOOOWAAAAH... TOM: Oh. My. God. MIKE: He's got the anime-dark eyes! Everybody run for it! GO GO GO GO *GO*! [Tom and Mike hot-foot it to the other side of the theater, hiding under overturned chairs.] CROW: ...GEYSER... [Crow stands and launches himself in a super jump at the movie screen.] CROW: ...*STORM!* [Three huge cages of energy launch out of the floor in front of Crow, each one slightly in front of the last. The screen at first spider-webs, then cracks into a zillion very small pieces. The move ends with Crow's head melting thhough and exploding, sending smoldering pieces all around the aisles.] MIKE: Ho... TOM: Ly... [Crow collapses to the floor like a sack of wheat.] MIKE: Is... Can it be over? May the torture finally end? [With an ominous slide-*clang* that has "don't you even think of messing with me" all over it, an auxiliary movie screen slides down from the ceiling and locks into place.] PEARL: [over intercom] Nope. Sorry, Nelgeese. Points for style, and all that, but I just can't let this stop now. I've already sold the videotapes, and I tell you we are making a *killing*. MIKE: Damn you, Pearl. You are so... so... *EVIL*! PEARL: [over intercom] Aww, thanks, Mike. [Mike starts screwing another head on Crow.] CROW: ...Wha... Whuh... What the hell happened? MIKE: You blew up. CROW: NOOOOO, *REALLY*? > > > > The speaker crackled TOM: [speaker voice] Hi there, folks. Get ready to barf! > "Three, two, one." ALL: PULL!!! > As it said that we shot into > the air. TOM: We've secretly replaced their safety harnesses with Folger's Crystals. Let's see if anyone notices. MIKE: [Crystal] WHOAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!! TOM: Well, folks, we have our answer! > > > > "WOOHOO!" I yelled as I had quit screaming on this ride years ago. MIKE: And *yelling* is sooooooo different from *screaming*... CROW: [Crystal] And I quit peeing my pants on this ride just last month! > > > > But Stefan did scream and he screamed like a girl. (He's only been on > the Hellevator a couple of times). My hand flew out TOM: [Crystal]...the window and was lost forever. I'll miss that hand. CROW: That'll teach *her* to not keep her arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times... lousy little... MIKE: Man, will she just stop with the disembodied limbs here? > and found his I > gave it an encouraging squeeze. CROW: Careful; you're going to make Legolas jealous. > Stefan smiled back at me. TOM: [Crystal] Even though you're a total wuss, I still like you anyway. MIKE: [Stefan] SHE TOUCHED ME! SHE TOUCHED ME! > > > > We flew up to the top of the 200-foot tall tower MIKE: [Legolas] Hey, I can see the ocean from here! And now I can hear the cry of the gull on the--OH CRAP, I'M NEVER GOING HOME! > then freefell back > down to about 30 feet off the ground then we shot back up to nearly the > top and we floated to the ground. TOM: That sounds... Pretty dull, actually. MIKE: Wow, so it's pretty lame, then. CROW: Yep yep yep... lame city... > > > > "YAY LETS DO IT AGAIN!" I yelled as we were let out of the restraints. CROW: [Crystal] I'M SO HEPPED UP, MY EYEBALLS ARE TINGLING! WHOOO!!! TOM: You let her out of the restraints!? What are you, mad?! > > > > "Later Crystal, later." John answered not wanting to do the same thing > twice in a row. TOM: Boyfriend? You...are...beautiful! CROW: [John] I'm spent! Man, do I need a cigarette... > > > > Suddenly Carolyn came around the side of the tower talking loudly. > "Right in my ear!" She was saying angrily. ALL: Ahhh! CROW: Ewww! MIKE: That's disgusting! TOM: Hey, this is a PG-rated fic! CROW: [Mike Tyson] I was going to punch, but it was time for lunch, so I decided to munch. I bit his ear! I bit his ear! > > > > "What in your ear?" I asked. TOM: [Carolyn] NOTHING! Nothing! I had a hanky to clean it up--I mean, I didn't clean anything up...err.... > > > > "Legolas screamed right in my ear when we went up!" Carolyn answered. MIKE: [Carolyn]: Something about "Hold me, Aragorn!" What the hell's an Aragorn? > > > > "Hey lay off, he's never been on this ride before." Joe said stepping > between Carolyn and Legolas. TOM: Try all you like, Joe, but you're not going to get in Legolas's inner circle. > > > > "You're only saying that because he didn't scream in your ear." Carolyn > grumbled. TOM: Sheesh! Is that Carolyn's idea of logic? MIKE: Ah, Carolyn, hon? You and John are the last entries in the "I don't hate them" file. Don't whine your way out of that... CROW: You know, it just occured to me. Legolas is the vaguely stupid guy who everybody simultaneously likes and hates at the same time. MIKE: Yup. CROW: And Crystal is the bitchy, control-freak boss person. TOM: Uh-huh. CROW: And Carolyn is the slightly rebellious sidekick who serves as the vaguely sane one in a world of idiots. MIKE: Clearly. CROW: And John is the slightly loopy bit character used as a plot McGuffen once and then forgotten about. TOM: Sounds about right. CROW: And the rest of her group are there as the crazy, annoying sidekicks designed to make Crystal look better. MIKE: Right on. CROW: ...Which leaves us with no hero of any kind. [A long, long, LONG silence follows.] MIKE: Umm... Yeah. TOM: No, wait! There's one! MIKE: There is? TOM: Yeah! Glenn! MIKE: ...Glenn? TOM: Yeah! He had the sense to hand over the phone to John as soon as he could! He didn't see Crystal or Legolas, he's that much closer to retirement on his job, and he's having an Imagination Christmas with the security guard! CROW: Imagination Christmas? Yaaaaaaay! [Crow smiles far too happily at the screen.] TOM: Good deed for the episode, check. > > > > "What next?" Ryan asked joining up with everybody else. MIKE: [Legolas] Now I kill you all! Huzzah! > > > > "I dunno what do you want to do?" I asked anyone. TOM: Oh God, no! Nononononononononononono!!! Mike, I *will* tear my head off now, working arms or not! MIKE: Take it easy, Servo! Destinygurl's crazy, not insane! > > > > "Music ride!" Carolyn said happily. CROW: Well, she got over the whole 'screaming in ear' thing quickly! TOM: Damn it Mike! Why does she keep scaring me like that? MIKE: [condescendingly]: Well, you see, sweetie, sometimes people just don't understand what they're doing... TOM: Cut it out, Mike! One Destinygurl's plenty! > > > > "Ok that sounds good." David agreed. MIKE: Wait...who are you again? CROW: [David] Finally, I get a line! TOM: Well, what about Ryan, John, Joe, Stefan, and Legolas? Don't they get a say too? MIKE: Of course not. They're all ratio 1 characters. > > > > ********************************************************************* > 14. An Old Friend MIKE: [Crystal] Ah, Jack Daniels! What would I ever do without you? > > Disclaimer: I've said it once and I'll say it again TOM: [Destinygurl] Diet Dr. Pepper doesn't taste a *thing* like regular Dr. Pepper! > I don't own > anything so stop asking! MIKE: Must be a lot of panhandlers in Canada, eh? > > > > A/N: Wow two chapters in one day aren't you lucky CROW: [Destinygurl] ... I didn't write three? Ha ha ha ha haaaaah!! TOM: Yeah, but so are people who blow $50,000 on number 17 black, so what's your point? MIKE: If by "lucky" you mean "Stop complaining - this could be snuff porn," then sure! > > > > We walked over to the music ride and were disappointed to find it not > operating. MIKE: This ride has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. > "Closed until 11:00am. That's what the sign says." I read, > as I was the first one there. CROW: [Crystal] ...and the only one who could read. MIKE: [Crystal] Let's do it anyway! I'll turn the crank thingie! > > > > "Well this sucks." Stefan said dejectedly. CROW: Correction, dear: This *blows*. TOM: I'm sure glad Destinygurl decided not to dumb down her friends' rich vocabularies. > > > > "No, vacuums suck ALL: [*GROANS!!!*] TOM: Ugh. leave comedy to the bears, Crystal. Please! > this just... just... ok fine this does suck but MIKE: [Destinygurl] ...it's my first fanfic! Cut me some slack here! > only until 11:00." I said. CROW: And I really *don't* want to know what happens after eleven. TOM: And there's another example of that humor that's a trademark of your family. > > > > "Well in the meantime let's get a map and a schedule to plan what we > want to do today." Carolyn suggested. CROW: [Crystal] Nah, let's just wander around aimlessly. Seems to have worked for this fanfic so far... MIKE: It's an amusement park! What's to plan? You wander around from ride to ride, eating overpriced corn dogs and watered-down sodas until you run out of money or time, whichever comes first. Not a great deal of planning needed! > > > > "Great idea." John agreed. CROW: [Crystal] Well of *course* its a good idea! *I* had it, after all! > > > > So we walked over to one of the information booths and picked up a map > for each of us and two schedules. CROW: Phew! Does the action ever...start? TOM: Wow. That's the end of _CURSES_, see ya next week, folks! > > > > "Ok so there's Zydeco Jam, Superdogs..." MIKE: [Crystal] Chili Peppers, Korn, chicken, onions... CROW: [Crystal] Oh, look! Marilyn Manson is playing tonight in the Children's Pavillion! > I started. > > > > "What's Zydeco Jam?" Joe asked. MIKE: Only Legolas may ask the stupid questions! > > > > "Zydeco Jam is 'the ultimate Mardi Gras party' as it says here. CROW: Wow! Does that mean Crystal and Legolas'll finally get some-- mmmphphmmmmphphmmmmphph!!! MIKE: Not now, honey. > I've > seen it once, it is very good and very exciting." MIKE: Pregnant women and people with heart conditions should not attend. TOM: I don't think I've ever heard zydeco described as "exciting" before. MIKE: Then you've obviously never seen an Ultimate Zydeco Championships match. CROW: Oh no, my friend! Z-1 is where it's at for Mixed Zydeco Arts! > I explained, then I > continued." That's showing at 3:00, 5:00, 7:00 and 9:00. Superdogs is > showing at 12:30, 3:00, 5:30 and 8:00." TOM: [Crystal] Britney Spears performs at 1:15, 3:45, 6:15— MIKE: Wait...Britney Spears? TOM: By 2007 it'll be all the work she can get. MIKE: Destiny? Don't you think it'd be better if you posted this fic to your Rolodex instead of fanfiction.net? > > > > "What's Superdogs?" Legoals interrupted. TOM: Good to see someone new asking questions. MIKE: Don't worry about them, Legolas; DC wrote them out of existence back in '85. > > > > "Superdogs in a big dog show that has a different theme every time it > is shown. CROW: The theme next time: wiener dogs. > It's fun to watch and a classic MIKE: A classic different every time! > so we are seeing that no > matter what. TOM: Even if there's an earthquake? CROW: Even if paratroopers storm the park? MIKE: *No matter what!* > And we have to see the pig races TOM: We *do,* do we? > they are so much fun CROW: [Crystal] I'm putting everything I got on Limbaugh! > they > show at 1:00, 2:30, 4:30, 6:00 and 8:00. TOM: At least the pigs get plenty of exercise. > No one ask me what the pig > races are MIKE: [Crystal] ...because I don't know! > because the name explains itself." I continued. TOM: But you haven't said whether they're racing capitalist pigs, fascist pigs, or chauvinist pigs! CROW: Hey, your retarded version of Legolas is in the group. *Nothing* explains itself to him. MIKE: Pig races? Wow, Canada is hillbilly heaven! > > > > "Hey." Carolyn cried reading over my shoulder. "The Lipizzaner > Stallions are back! TOM: [Carolyn] We can use them to draw-and-quarter Crystal! > We have to go see them, they show at 2:00, 4:00, > 7:30 and 9:30." MIKE: Come on, is it *really* necessary to read out all the show times?! ALL: o/~ We're gonna pad...the fic...the fic tonight!!! o/~ > > > > "Yes, ABBAmania is playing tonight at 7:30 and 9:30. MIKE: [Legolas] ABBA? Man, you haven't lived until you've seen Frodo and Merry do their ABBA impression! > They are two > different shows so we should see both." John said happily looking at > the other schedule that he had snatched out of my hand. MIKE: When you can snatch the other schedule from Crystal's hand, grasshopper, then you will have achieved true enlightenment. CROW: Wow! Who knew that these millenial teens of the '00s were so into 1970's Swedish dance-pop! > > > > "All right so lets see Superdogs at 12:30, Zydeco Jam at 3:00, > Lipizzaners at 4:00, the pig races at 6:00, then, at 7:30 TOM: [Crystal] ...the famous 'Running of the Fangirls'... > we'll get > dinner and see ABBAmania, CROW: [Crystal] ...then get beaten up and laughed at for revealing that we like ABBA... > then at 10:30 when both ABBAmania shows are > over we can watch Fire In The Night." I said, quickly deducting TOM: [Crystal] ...this trip as a business expense on my tax return... > how much time it took for each one and when we should get there. MIKE: [Crystal] And if we're lucky, we'll have finished up before we drive Legolas into a berserker rage! TOM: So they're at a theme park with who knows how many rides and attractions, and they spend all that time watching dog and pony acts and washed-up Seventies disco bands? What kind of kids are they? > > > > "Wow you figured that out quick." Stefan commented. MIKE: [Stefan] Have you been reading ahead in the fanfic? > > > > "Years of experience." I explained TOM: [Crystal] I've been shallow and boring my whole life! CROW: Crystal has a skill level of 50 in Scheduling. MIKE: Pretty soon she'll be able to unlock the secret Railroad Timetable sub- quest to rescue the king of Gondolin... > "Anyway it's 10:30 and we have a > while until we have to do anything so CROW: [Crystal] Synchronize your watches, gentlemen! > lets look at our maps and see > what rides we want to go on." TOM: [Joe] I wanna ride "The Flying Shrapnel!" CROW: [Stefan] No, no! the "Balsawood Coaster!" MIKE: [Crystal] We'll do both after we get off the exploding bumper cars! BOTS: [Teen Gang] Hooray! > > > > "Well we have to go on the wooden roller coaster." John said. TOM: Oh, so *that's* what they meant by "fire in the night"! OTHERS: Ah! > > > > "And the corkscrew." Joe continued. TOM: Oh yeah, that's that new Sammy Sosa themed ride, isn't it? > > > > "And the twin flip." David said. TOM: Mary-Kate and Ashley, no! CROW: [Ryan] And don't forget the Happy FunFun Fuzzy Wuzzy Bunny Buggys! > > > > "Hey I thought you weren't a ride person." I said surprised. > > > > "I'm not but I like the twin flip." David explained. TOM: [David] It makes me feel all tingly! MIKE: I dunno. How much of an explanation is "I like the twin flip"? TOM: Oh plenty, if you're this fic's target audience. [All snicker] > > > > "And Hell's Gate." Carolyn put in. TOM: [Legolas] You mean we're *not* in Hell already? MIKE: Man, why hasn't Jack Chick put out a tract against this park yet? Satan's popping out of every orifice here! > > > > "What about the octopus?" Ryan said. TOM: Well, what *about* the octopus? > > > > "Ok, ok we will go on all of these CROW: [Ryan] Ooo ooo, and the Creaky Death Trap! TOM: [Stefan] And the Tilt-o-Puke oh please oh please? MIKE: [David] And I want to go on the one driven by the guy with the lazy eye who never seems to put my restraining bar on right! > but we need to pick what we do > first." I said rationally. TOM: [worried] But what about the *octopus*? CROW: God! This is her idea of rationality? MIKE: Descartes would be...nauseous. > > > > "Then let's pick what is closest to us now and go around." Stefan > reasoned. CROW: [Stefan] Now, if we take the Cartesian 'I think therefore I am' as an axiom, then we can postulate a distinction between body and soul, with the latter being an independent and formless entity which infuses the former with the spark of life that-- > > > > I looked up with a smile. "That would be the Pirate Ship." TOM: As captained by Jack Sparrow. MIKE: [Legolas] *Pirate* ship... hmmm... CROW: Oh great, now you're giving him ideas. > So we turned > right and got in line for the swinging ship. "Wee! ALL: Wee, wee, all the way home... > That was fun." MIKE: [Crystal] I just *love* getting into lines! > I said as we got off a few minutes later MIKE: INTENSE... ACTIONLESS... ACTION!!! CROW: That's it, Mike. I don't *care* what you tell me, *this* is turning into Kefka, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it! > > > > "How's everybody feeling? MIKE: [Carolyn] Great! Me, I just flew in from Dubuque, and boy are my arms tired! But, really, it's great to be here at Shiloh! Shiloh, that's like the Catskills with live amunition! Thanks, you folks are a great crowd! > No one going to get sick?" Carolyn teased > cause she knew that no one would. CROW: Nope, don't even have to swing to knock that one outta the park. > > > > "On to the Octopus." MIKE: [Legolas] Great! I'm starving! CROW: Then on to Berlin! > Ryan said pointing to the spinning black ride. MIKE: Excuse me, that's "African-American ride". > > > > So we went on the octopus, CROW: We sang and danced round because we knew we couldn't be found. > then the enterprise. CROW: [Crystal] ...where I met Marrissa Picard and had a great time! Then we tattooed "I Was Beaten By A Bunch of Kids" on Legolas' back! TOM: [Scottish] Cap'n', we canna take much more o' this! > (Sort of like a Ferris > wheel that goes upside-down). Then as we were walking to the scrambler > I saw a familiar face. CROW: [Crystal] Hey, Draco Malfoy! I haven't seen you since you popped out of my TV when I was watching "Harry Potter!" TOM: [blond-haired child] Yes, officer, that's the one! > > > > A/N: Sorry it's kind of a cliffy ALL: [dully] Oh God. CROW: The gut-wrenching, soul-splitting suspense! TOM: o/~ Come right back, I just can't bear it! o/~ > but I couldn't resist. MIKE: [Destinygurl] ...throwing in a completely random plot twist that has absolutely no bearing on anything, that is... CROW: Who is Crystal's newest recruit to this meandering melange of blandness? Will they meet and have an emotionally-charged conversation, or will they just agree about what rides they like all day? Oh! The chilling, spine- tingling *TERROR*! > I know it's a > short chapter but you've already had one today so consider yourselves > lucky. MIKE: Oh we are, just not how you think... > > ********************************************************************* > 15. Still at Playland MIKE: [Martin Sheen] Playland... I can't believe I'm still in Playland. > > Sorry for posting the same chapter twice thanks to > WeasleyTwinsLover1112 for pointing that out to me so here is the real > 15th chapter. TOM: She filed for bankruptcy? CROW: No, you're thinking of American laws. In Canada, Chapter 15 means you sign your first born into slavery to the maple syrup mines. MIKE: "Maple Syrup Mines?" CROW: It's true! > > > > "Kyle? Is that you?" I stopped abruptly and turned to face my old > friend. MIKE: [Crystal] The circle is now complete. When I left you I was but the sidekick. Now *I* am the writer. TOM: [Kyle] Only a writer of evil, Crystal. CROW: [Stan] This is pretty f*cked up right here. > > > > "Crystal?" Kyle said in surprise, TOM: [Kyle, sobbing] How did you find me?! > his face lit up. MIKE: Ol' Searchlight Face is back! > "Crystal! Hey how've > you been?" He asked hugging me. > > > > "I'm great, how are you?" I asked. TOM: [Kyle] Super! Thanks for asking! > > > > "I'm good. CROW: If not *great.* MIKE: [monotone] And you see here how the author's mesmerising dialogue weaves a spell of wonder that sweeps the reader up in the twists and turns of the plot.. > Wow this is amazing, how long has it been since we last saw > each other?" Kyle asked. MIKE: [Kyle] Not nearly long enough. MIKE: [Crystal] Man, I haven't seen you since I put that wet Play-doh in your bed freshman year! TOM: No one will be seated during THE THRILLING MAKING SMALL TALK SCENE!!! > > > > "About four years, since you moved to Vancouver." I answered, CROW: [Crystal] After I brought that rape charge against your dad. > "oh I suppose I should introduce you to my friends. TOM: You don't have to sound so enthusiastic about it. > This is John Hulstien, > Stefan Rempel, CROW: Ah, the missing Oompa-Loompa? MIKE: Knock that off! > Joe Moser, Ryan King ALL: TORNADO KICK! > and David King." MIKE: [John] Together we are... THE ONE AND ONLY GINYU FORCE!!! TOM: Wait a minute... those can't be the names of Crystal's *real* friends, could it? MIKE: What do you mean, Tom? TOM: I mean, come on, Mike! No fanfic writer comes up with names like those! CROW: Yeah, Mike, they usually name their characters things like Valkyrie Starfire or Fabio Bootblack or things like that... TOM: And she's already admitted to taking her diary and sticking an elf into it... how much else of this story could be true? CROW: Most importantly, do her friends know she's telling the world they scream like little girls on amusement park rides? > > > > "Hey, David I haven't seen you since what grade six?" Kyle said TOM: [Kyle] Yeah, remember when I used to beat you up every day and hang you on a coathook in the girls' restroom? Man, those were good times! > clapping his old bowling partner on the back. TOM: "Bowling partner?" CROW: So *that's* what they're calling it now? MIKE: Truth is stranger than fiction. TOM: In this thing, that's not that hard. > "And you're Crystal's > friend, what a small world." TOM: [Crystal] Thanks, I make it that way! > > > > "And then," I continued, interrupting the reunion, "you know Carolyn > and now here's the interesting one, meet Legolas." MIKE: So much for keeping him a *secret*... TOM: It's like "Here's E.T., we must hide him! Oh hey, you wanna meet E.T.?" > I paused letting > that sink in. TOM: [Kyle] You are the blondest Vulcan I've ever seen! > > > > "Um... Um" Was all that Kyle could say. CROW: [Crystal] Okay, enough gawking at the ostensible title character. Let's get back to *me!* > > > > "Wow I haven't seen you speechless since you saw me in my grade seven > grad dress." I commented. CROW: [Kyle] Well, you did spend the entire night with the back of your dress tucked into your panties. And every someone tried to point it out you started yelling "SHUT UP! I'M GORGEOUS!!" > > > > "Yeah well you were gorgeous." Carolyn pointed out. TOM: [Carolyn] Yes, you definitely peaked in the seventh grade. > "Even I was > speechless, it looked like it was a grade 12 grad dress." CROW: [Crystal] Yeah, I was a goddess even then! TOM: If she keeps hitting us over the head with her awesomeness like that, it's gonna break. MIKE: Her awesomeness or our heads? TOM: Take your pick. > > > > "Yeah well you wanna know a secret... I got that dress for only $15 at > Salvation Army CROW: [Carolyn] So how come you told us all you magically summoned it from your TV? > and I got my hair done for free MIKE: Man, and she thinks the *Dutch* are cheap... > because I know a > hairdresser and my mom helped her out with something. TOM: [Carolyn] So I'm easily impressed, then? Well, thanks. CROW: Not-so-subtle subtext: "Put me in the cheapest, loudest rag you can dig up and I'm still HAWT!!!" > Anyway everybody > meet Kyle he's a friend of mine from a long time ago." I said. MIKE: And a galaxy far, far away. > > > > "Hey do you want to hang out with us for a while today?" David asked. CROW: [David] Crystal's always looking for more minions to browbeat! TOM: [Kyle] Um, no? I'm here to pick up chicks, and I can't very well do that with you freaks and your fictional character around. > > > > "Sure but what about him?" Kyle asked pointing at Legolas. CROW: [Crystal] Oh, he can hang out with the best of us! > > > > "We'll explain him along the way." I said as we started walking again. MIKE: [Crystal] I should warn you - it gets goofy. TOM: Man, Crystal can't wait to show off her psychoanalytic skills to everyone, can she? > > > > So as we walked to the scrambler MIKE: [Kyle] So, with a few simple adjustments, you can get me the Playboy Channel for free? > I told Kyle about how Legolas came TOM: [Crystal] You see, when a mommy elf loves a dad-- CROW: [Stan] This is pretty f*cked up right here. > and the shenanigans we had gotten ourselves into while he was here. MIKE: [Crystal, giggling] ...and then he tried to butcher my dog! How wacky was that? TOM: [Kyle] Fascinating. Please tell me more about when you and Carolyn wrestled on the floor... > > > > "That is amazing." Kyle said after I finished my story. TOM: [Kyle] That you could get a character beloved from page and screen for your very own and do so *little* with him! MIKE: [Kyle] I didn't think you could take enough drugs to come up with this and live! CROW: [Kyle] You should write this into a story and post it on the internet somewhere! > > > > We went on the scrambler with Legolas and Stefan in one seat, Joe and > David in another, Ryan, Carolyn and John in yet another TOM: Okay, so which one of them is the stick insect? CROW: They must like it *cozy.* > and finally > Kyle and I in another. MIKE: MARVEL as our heroes RIDE RIDES!!! TOM: Errrrrgggghhhhh!!!! For God's sake Crystal! Must you introduce your screwball friends every...single...time????? CROW: Maybe "Destinygurl" *is* Ratliff's new pen-name after all... > > > > "Doesn't this bring back memories of our grad trip?" MIKE: [Crystal] Remember when I summoned Bilbo Baggins and Spongebob Square- pants and they followed me around all day? > I asked as we went > around. (When I mention grad to Kyle it will be grade 7 grad). TOM: I have no clue what you're talking about, but please continue. > > > > "Yeah we just sat on this ride for almost a half an hour because CROW: [Kyle] ...the drunken carny operating the ride passed out behind the control panel! MIKE: [Crystal] Man, I must have puked up my whole small intestine *that* day! > there was no line-up" Kyle answered. TOM: [Kyle] Doesn't this bring back memories of the line-up I picked you out of when I finally went to the police about you stalking me? > "And remember when we tried to get > Jeffery onto the Hellevator by carrying him through the line?" CROW: Weekend at Jeffery's! TOM: [Jeffery] o/~ Say it ain't so, I will not go, turn the lights off, carry me to the Hellevator... o/~ > > > > "That didn't work too well but it was fun for us to go on it ourselves > anyway." I answered. > > > > "That was probably one if the best days of my life." Kyle admitted. MIKE: [Kyle] God, I'm pathetic. I should eat a Glock! > > > > "I would have to agree with you." TOM: [Crystal] Let's eat a Glock together. > > > > Once we left the scrambler we went on a few other rides such as the > tornado, and the twin flip then we got to the wooden roller coaster. > > > > "I'm not going on." Carolyn said. > > > > "Are you still scared that you're going to fall out?" I teased. MIKE: [Carolyn] The thing's got a picture of a termite on the entrance, for God's sake! > > > > "No but I just don't like it." Carolyn answered. CROW: [Crystal] Too bad so sad you're coming anyway. > > > > Joe also sat out claiming he wanted to get something to eat. MIKE: And wanted whatever he ate to stay put. > > > > "And I'm not going either." David said. "I'm not really a ride person." TOM: Yes, you already told us that... CROW: If he repeats it, it covers up for his having gone on most of them already. MIKE: So Crystal's god-like control over her sidekicks peters out into the abyss... > > > > So after waiting about ten minutes in line we all got on the same > train. TOM: The Night Train to Mundo Fine? > Stefan and Kyle in the third row from the back, Legolas and Ryan > in the second last seat and John and I in the very back. MIKE: In what's colloquially known as the "splatter zone." CROW: K-I-S-S-I-N... Um, "ack?" > As we were > going up the huge hill at the start of the ride John asked me a > question weighing on his mind. MIKE: [John] Why am I here? CROW: [talking car] Why are *any* of us here? MIKE: [John] Whoa. Deep. TOM: [John] Why did you magically summon Tolkien's hottest elf, only to relegate him to the periphery of your group of friends? CROW: [John] Why are Pop-Tarts square? TOM: [John] Why does Diet Dr. Pepper taste more like regular Dr. Pepper? MIKE: [John] Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten but hot dog buns come in packages of eight? > "Where do you know Kyle from?" TOM: Wait--I smell plot! CROW: That might just be your circuitry burning. > > > > "We went to school together ever since kindergarten and we became > really good friends in grade seven. CROW: Took 'em long enough. > Then, when we went to different > schools in grade 8 we kind of stopped spending time with each other. CROW: [Crystal] The restraining order he put out on me kind of put a damper on our relationship, too. > In grade nine TOM: o/~ This is me in grade nine, baby, this is me in grade nine o/~ > we saw each other in the mall and got to talking, we became > good friends again but a few months later he moved to Vancouver MIKE: Fate does *not* want to keep these two together. > and we > haven't seen each other since." I answered. CROW: [Crystal] And you still owe me ten bucks Canadian, you cheap bastard! MIKE: [Kyle] Fine, fine! Here's your quarter... > > > > "Ah I see." John said understanding. TOM: This is one *long* hill to start with... > > > > Two seats ahead of us Kyle was telling the same story to Stefan. CROW: Except in *his* version, Crystal was nude... > > > > "I dare you not hold on the whole time of the ride." John said with a > smile. > > > > "Only if you do." I answered. MIKE: Ten minutes later... CROW: [Park janitor] Hey, Larry? We got another pile o' meat at the Death Coaster. TOM: [Larry] Aw, damn... Looks like they dared each other not to hang on. Dumb kids... > > > > We past the top of first hill and started to rocket downward. "Yes! > This is what I live for!" I yelled as we sped up the next hill. MIKE: Whoo! Aim high, Crystal! TOM: Crystal? Yes, I've got a Dr. Joy Brown on the line? She'd really like to speak with you. > > > > When we got off the roller coaster we walked over to where Joe, Carolyn > and David were standing. CROW: [David] Man, that Crystal is such a bi--oh, hi, Crystal! We were just talking about you! TOM: [Crystal] I KNOW, FOOL. > "Hey did you know that the wooden roller > coaster is operated entirely off gravity after the first hill." I was > saying to everybody. TOM: [Crystal] Hey! Hey, why's everybody--what's so funny? Come on, guys, let me in on the joke! MIKE: [Stefan] You are the joke, Crystal. TOM: [Crystal] ... > > > > "That's Crystal, the fountain of unusual knowledge." Stefan said MIKE: More "unusual," of course, than "knowledge." > patting me on the back. TOM: Secretly taping a "KICK ME" sign. > > > > "It's true though. That's why they can only run one train at a time > because if the weight of the trains were different then they might run > into each other." I finished. TOM: Not to mention that whole "Too Much Weight = Pile o' Coaster" thing... > > > > "Fascinating." Carolyn said sarcastically. CROW: [Carolyn] And if I cared, that would mean something. TOM: C'mon! Do the eyebrow raise! You can't say that without the eyebrow raise! > > > > "Ok so it's 11:00 now ALL: DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR ELF IS?! > so we have an hour and a half to do stuff before > going to see superdogs." John started. CROW: [John] Oooh! Maybe we'll see Marvin and Wendy while we're there too! > > > > "Actually we have only an hour to do stuff because we have to be there > early to get good seats MIKE: Oh yeah, it's *always* standing room only for the weekday afternoon showing of "Superdogs"! > and we probably want to get lunch on our way, > right?" I put in. MIKE: [John, exasperated] Okay, that's it! She dies! Who's in? TOM: [Legolas] Dibs on her head! CROW: [Stefan] I call the heart! MIKE: [Ryan] Dibs on her spleen! TOM: [Carolyn] Save me a couple of limbs! > > > > "Good Point." Ryan agreed. CROW: Her ability to state the obvious never ceases to amaze them. > > > > "Lets go on the Gravitron." Joe suggested. TOM: Thrill as the AMAZING POWER OF GRAVITY holds you down! MIKE & CROW: [deadpan] Whee. > > > > "I'm definitely sitting out." John said > > > > "Why?" I asked curiously. MIKE: [John] I hate gravity. I just keep thinking it's trying to kill me. TOM: [Crystal] Oh don't be silly, John! Nobody wants to *kill* anyone here! I mean we might *say* that, but we really don't mean it! CROW: [Gravity] Actually the boy is quite astute; I really AM trying to kill him, but so far no success; he's quite wiley, like his old man. > > > > "Don't you remember last time I went on the Gravitron at Playdome, it > nearly made me sick." John answered. > > > > "Right I remember now." I said. CROW: [Crystal] I'd forgotten how much of a sissy boy you could be... MIKE: [Crystal] Man, was *that* a laugh riot! ...Uh, sorry. > > > > So we went on the gravitron. (For those of you who don't know what that > is it is a ride that spins so fast that you stick to the walls.) MIKE: So it's just a giant spinning glue gun? CROW: Wait a minute, that's not gravity! That's centrifugal force! TOM: I'm suing Destinygurl for false advertising! MIKE: What would be the point, Servo? She doesn't own *anything*. She's been going on and on about that fact for copious length all fic. Haven't you been reading the disclaimers? > > > > "So what do we do now?" Stefan asked once we got off the Gravitron. MIKE: I suppose going on an adventure like the Goonies is right out? > > > > "Well why don't we walk through the game section and go on Hell's Gate CROW: Abandon every hope, all ye who go on here! > and the corkscrew." I suggested. > > > > "Sounds good." David agreed. TOM: Half this trip's been agreeing! > > > > So we walked over through the section of the park that all the carnival > games were located in. "Ok, Legolas, don't talk to any of the people > operating the games or make eye contact with them unless we tell you, > you can otherwise you'll get sucked into playing a game you don't want > to play." Carolyn warned. TOM: [Legolas] What? Not even the archery booth? CROW: [Carolyn] *Especially* not the archery booth! TOM: [Legolas] But I'm an ELF! CROW: [Carolyn] What does that have to do with anything? TOM: [Legolas] Elves! Archery! Do the freaking math, woman! CROW: [Carolyn] I don't understand your point, therefore it's completely unimportant. Moving on! > > > > "Ooo look at that frog." I cried pointing to a big lime-green frog. MIKE: I thought she just said not to make a fuss. CROW: The carnies don't make eye contact with *her.* > "I > am definitely getting that one if it's the last thing I do!" CROW: Tragically, Crystal perished today getting a big lime-green frog. TOM: Hey Mike, what did she just say about not getting suckered into a carnival game? MIKE: [looks up] Eh, I'm sure it was nothing important... > > > > "I want one too." Carolyn said seeing what I was pointing at. CROW: [Crystal] That lime-green frog's only big enough for one of us, sister! > > > > "Later though." David said pushing us along. MIKE: David gets the cat-herder role for this chapter. > > > > We rode Hell's Gate and then lined up for the corkscrew but once > Legolas saw what it did [Crow hits a button on a stopwatch.] CROW: Do you realize she just went fifteen minutes *our time* without mentioning the charadter the story's supposedly showcasing? > he put his foot down. "This is where I'm going > to refuse." He said. MIKE: And thus began the rampage the media would dub "Slayland." > > > > "Refuse what?" I asked. MIKE: God Crystal! What else is he going to refuse? To stand around watching you clowns do the ride? TOM: [Legolas] I refuse to take part in this fanfic anymore! All right! That's it, author! Stop the fanfic! > > > "Refuse to go on this ride." Legolas answered. MIKE: [Legolas] Trust me, you do *not* want to see elven motion sickness! > > > > "All right then just go wait over there." I said pointing at the exit. > "We won't be long." > > > > A/N: Something tells me leaving Legolas alone was not a good idea TOM: [Gaston] He might start getting ideas, and *thinking*... > is my thought correct [A loud crashing noise can be heard from offstage.] A FAMILIAR VOICE: Hey, this isn't Playland! MIKE: Huh? What's going on out there? > stay tuned for the next chapter coming soon. TOM: I suppose we should go out and investigate, huh? CROW: As long as it isn't Simon Cowell again... [shudder] MIKE: Come on, you guys... [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge. Mike, Tom and Crow step on stage only to discover... Legolas, the famed Prince of Mirkwood and lust-object of fangirls everywhere, standing around in a borrowed pair of jeans and a T-shirt as if he had walked straight out of the fanfic and onto the Satellite of Love.. This is quite probably because he did.] MIKE & THE BOTS: [shocked] LEGOLAS? LEGOLAS: Oh hey, guys, do you mind if I crash here for a while? MIKE: Sure, I guess... but you're the... the... um, Legolas... LEGOLAS: Yes, I know, I'm THE Legolas. I swear that's how everybody reacts to me these days. Ever since that Valar-forsaken movie came out, I haven't had a moment's privacy! TOM: Oh, don't mind him; Mike would freak out at a pound of Stilton! So, Legolas, what have you been up to these days? LEGOLAS: Well, Gimli and I got a place by the campus with Sirius Black and Remus Lupin; Aragorn's been crashing on my couch lately--he just broke up with Arwen, the poor dope. I've been working part time and going to night school... there's not too much call for elven warriors now- adays, but I get by. CROW: Wow... do you see anyone else from the Fellowship anymore? LEGOLAS: All too often... [shudder] All too often... TOM: So, Legolas, we *must* know: what's the deal with this fanfic? Did you lose another orc-killing contest with Gimli or something? LEGOLAS: Well, actually, Crystal is my boss's daughter, and he asked me to babysit her for a few days while he went on a business trip, because he knew I needed the money. But Crystal--she's a few silmarils short of an iron crown if you ask me... She thinks I magically popped out of her TV set or something. All I did was walk in during the power-out... I was out there knocking for two hours and I really needed to go to the bathroom... and here they are running around like I'm trying to kill them! Okay, maybe I *did* try to kill their dog... but he really annoyed the hell out of me! MIKE: Yeah, I know. Back on earth I had a neighbor with a rat terrier once... kept yapping all day and all night. I don't blame you, man. Yet there's one thing I'm wondering about. You sound like a reasonably intelligent elf; how come in the story you sound so... well... *stupid*? LEGOLAS: You know, everyone expects me to be high-and-mighty Legolas Greenleaf, elven prince of Mirkwood, all proud and haughty and ancient and wise and beyond reproach and all *godlike* and crap. Eh, I like to play with their minds a little. CROW: [nudges Legolas] So what's this I hear... about you and Gimli? LEGOLAS: Grrr... We're just friends, okay? Man, I swear, people have been asking me that for the last 6000 years! Ai Valar! Go on a boat trip with a guy and suddenly everyone thinks we're an item! There's absolutely nothing at all between us; we're just REALLY... GOOD... FRIENDS! Sheesh... CROW: [backs off] Gee... sorry... LEGOLAS: And if you *must* know, I'm *actually* dating Boromir. MIKE: Wait, I thought he was dead. LEGOLAS: He got better. [Commercial sign flashes.] MIKE: I think, err... I think we'll be right back. [MST3K bumper.] CROW: [V.O.] So... what's this I hear... about you and Hald-- [*PLUCK!* *TWANG!* *thud*] [Fade to black. Roll commercials. Find out how you can save money on our auto insurance from a reptile with an English accent. Find out how Hotwire prefers its customers to be insensitive thieving bastards. Find out how three Dell interns tracked across the country handing out digital cameras--and all you did on your internship was xerox a bunch of crap and make coffee for $6.25 an hour. And if this depresses you too much, you can find out how you can conform to American culture's impossible standard of constant cheerfulness by taking some Zoloft. See, it worked for this limbless cartoon happy face. But what exactly are "sexual side effects"?] (((((((((( END OF PART 5 -- OTHER PARTS COMING SOON! ))))))))))) Special writing help with the Legolas skit by Typewriter Monkey. The Legolas skit was partly inspired by "Bagenders", a fanfic series featuring Legolas getting into wacky situations in present-day Earth, which surprisingly doesn't suck. Check it out at http://bagenders.stormpages.com All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. Lord of the Rings and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl, and she's welcome to it. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. Have you called *your* best friend a humiliating nickname today? ----- Last updated: 21 September 2003 - Send comments to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com > "So how did you like it?" I asked Legolas as I undid the chain keeping him > in place.'