MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Chapters 10-12 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, His Majesty the God-Emperor, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey Missed Parts 1, 2, and 3? Catch the ongoing "Legolas" saga at: http://www.geocities.com/rivercityrandom [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > 10. Journey to the Roof CROW: Ah, the long-awaited sequel to Journey to the Foot of the Stairs. TOM: Say hi to the fiddler for me. > > to WeasleyTwinsLover1112 thank you soooo much for reviewing I hope > this chapter is better TOM: Somehow, we doubt that... CROW: Not if that sentence is any indication... MIKE: Ah, the best-laid plans of mice and men... > > > > Sunday dawned bright and clear TOM: So... Anyone keeping track of the days left before Legolas gets to leave? MIKE: No. CROW: No. TOM: ...I thought so. > and I got up early to make pancakes. MIKE: This feels distressingly like a "morning after" scene. > > > > "Mmmm. Something smells good," Legolas said as he came up the stairs. CROW: [Legolas] Did Ryan finally leave? TOM: Ba dum bump! MIKE: Legolas can smell what the Rock is cookin'. > > > > > "Pancakes if I'm not mistaken" Carolyn said coming up right behind > Legolas. TOM: [Crystal] Wrong! It's "Flapjacks!" I win again! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! MIKE: [Carolyn] Um... Aren't flapjacks and pancakes the same... TOM: [Crystal] I'M NOT LISTENING!! LA LA LA LA LA LA!!! > > > > "Yup." I confirmed. MIKE: No one will be seated during the thrilling "pancake confirmation" scene! TOM: What's with all the white space? Is that a timing thing? CROW: Then this is like, oh, watching paint dry, or something. > > > > We all sat down to eat but we were eating so long we were late for > church. TOM: See--it *is* a timing thing. It just took them forever to eat breakfast. CROW: Will they finish their breakfast? Will they get to church on time? The suspense is incredibl.......y dull... MIKE: [Mojo Jojo] THEY WERE LATE! It was the misapplication of their time which did not allow them to meet with the errands of which they had planned, that being going to church, i.e. the wholesale worship of the Lord their God with the exclusionary dismissal of everything else! For our "heroes", as we shall call them for lack of any other term, much better and in general more applicable and accurate word of which to describe the protagonists of this miserable and laughable excuse for a piece of literature--which, now that my oversized yet oh-so brilliant cerebrum considers it, would be a much more fair, reasonable and alltogether realistic word of description than "heroes", so I shall be using that word, i.e. the word "protagonists", as opposed to that word "heroes" to describe the aforementioned group of vaguely-recognisable homo sapiens or "human beings"--were much too occupied by making with the eating of their first meals of the dawning day, i.e.: "breakfasts", of which were consisting and containing the solid foods known as "pancakes" or "flapjacks", and as they did so enjoy this consumption of the food, that they each and every one of them forgot their passage of time and found themselves to be... LAAATE FOOOR THEIR PRAAAAYYING RIITUAL!!! SO SAYS MMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOJOOO JOOOJOOO!!!!! [Mike pants, trying to catch his breath. The bots look on stunned and speechless.] TOM: Whoa, Mike... where did *that* come from? MIKE: Hell if I know... > > > > We snuck into the back CROW: Sneaking inta church, eh? Godless heathens! TOM: You'll burn! BURN! > and sat between Joe and Stefan right in the > middle of the back row so Legolas could sleep MIKE: The part of "Legolas" will now be played by Homer Simpson. TOM: Should we even bother to ask why she'd bother to drag Legolas to church, just to let him sleep? CROW: I'm thinking the safe answer is "no." > and no one would know. TOM: After all, people *never* look to see who's arrived at a usually quiet place like a church. MIKE: Eh, I think everyone *else* is too busy sleeping to notice. > > > > Just before church ended we left saying council on the roof, CROW: Man, that church has a *really* long name. TOM: [intones] Welcome all ye to Our Lady of Saying Council on the Roof... > meet at the ladder in five. TOM: Five months, huh? Just enough time for a quick round-the-world jaunt! CROW: Summon elf to living room, suffocate with banality. > > I ran to my truck to get my dad's keys. CROW: INTENSE...KEY-RETRIEVING...ACTION!!! TOM: [Crystal] Oh wait, do I have a dad? MIKE: "Latchkey Children: The Terrible Truth." > > > > "Wow what's that?" Legolas asked. CROW: He has the attention span of a two-year-old. He's fascinated by *a key ring*. TOM: I'm now convinced there's a piece of Legolas' brain floating in a jar somewhere... > > > > "It's my dad's key ring MIKE: It reminds her of the big deadbeat. > it has enough keys to open every door in the > church as well as every cupboard, closet and chest of drawers." CROW: [Crystal] And *wink, wink* my chastity belt. MIKE: Wait a minute! Why does Crystal's father have keys to a church? TOM: And why would he give them to her? CROW: And where *is* he?! I mean, has she given any explanation about her parents being gone? TOM: Maybe they got a lawyer and sued to get out of the story. > > > > A few minutes later we were all assembled MIKE: Teen-agers Assemble! > in the storage room (where > the ladder to the roof is) CROW: So then they're in the attic. TOM: She knows where the ladders are! > waiting to go up to the roof but first I > had to TOM: Patronize Legolas some more... > lecture them. TOM: Okay, patronize *everybody.* MIKE: [Crystal] Today I'm going to be telling you about modular elliptic curves, the Taniyama-Shimura conjecture, and their application to Fermat's Last Theorem... > > > > "K guys CROW: [Crystal] ill b off riting!1!11!!1!! cu al l8r brb ok LOL ROFLMAO1!11!1! TOM: ...You know, it just occurred to me: I could rewrite this entire story into leetspeak, and make it a work of art. MIKE: How so? TOM: No one would take it seriously. [Destinygurl] i w1$ w4+ch1ng lotr w|-|3n LEGOLAS f311 2 m1 h00se!11!11 WTF?/,/? HOLY C0P!1!11!11!! MIKE: Alright, that's enough of that. TOM: @$$... > the most important thing to remember CROW: [Crystal] If you want to bury a body in a shallow grave, make sure you use Quicklime! > when you're on the roof > you must not be seen!" CROW: [Crystal] I mean, if my real friends, like, saw me hanging out with *you* guys, I'd be so totally not popular anymore, for real! MIKE: Um, wouldn't that be kind of hard, being that they're *on the roof* and thus high in the air for everybody to see? TOM: Mary Sue logic at its finest. > I impressed upon them, MIKE: [Carolyn] Mistress Crystal, you've already impressed your brand on my forearm to mark me as your slave! > "everybody understand?" ALL: HELL NO!!! > everyone nodded. TOM: [Ryan] So I shouldn't have worn this hot orange dress shirt then? > > > > "Good lets go." CROW: Oh, *great* lecture. > I climbed up the ladder and wedged myself CROW: She wedgied her self? The little freak! > between the > ceiling and the wall so I could get the keys and open the door > easily. TOM: Um...didn't you just get the keys from the truck? CROW: [Crystal] So I climbed up the ladder and wedged them between the ceiling and the wall and came back down, and now I'm going back up there to get them. What? > > > > "That looks hard for a human." Legolas observed. CROW: Hard for a human, easy for Crystal. Dun dun duuuuuuun!!! MIKE: [Crystal] Feh! It's not hard 'till I start juggling! > > > > "It was but I've had enough practice that it's not so hard now." CROW: [Crystal] I always steal my dad's keys and wedge myself into places I don't belong, silly! > I answered still trying to concentrate on what I was doing so as to not > fall the 20 feet to the floor. TOM: If it's that hard to do without concentration, maybe you could, I don't know, NOT ANSWER THE QUESTION? > Click, the lock popped MIKE: If she could pick the lock, what did she need the keys for? > and I pushed > the door open. MIKE: [Crystal] Who knew safecracking would be so easy? TOM: And just what was so important to say that she couldn't just say it in the time it took her to play Spider-Girl? CROW: Nothing. Just one more facet of her overwhelming magnificence. > > > "Come on." I called scrambling through the porthole. TOM: ...here on the S.S. Church. MIKE: [Crystal] The Yellow Submarine is this way! > > > > One by one they climbed the ladder Carolyn helped them onto the roof > and I led everyone to a little dip CROW: [Legolas] Mmmm... peppercorn ranch, my favorite! > where I always went when I wanted > to be alone. TOM: Too bad about her publicising it, then. > > > > "So what's so important that we needed to come up here to talk?" > Stefan asked. CROW: [Crystal] That's a reasonable, logical question. Therefore I'll be ignoring it and anything else you say for the rest of the day. TOM: [Stefan] But... CROW: [Crystal] NOT LISTENING!!! NOT LISTENING!!! > > > > "Actually we didn't need to come up here ALL: o/~ wah wah wah WAH o/~ > but it was a opportunity to > come up to the roof MIKE: Ya know Crystal, you *definitely* need to get out more. CROW: Pots and kettles, Nelson! > and I never pass that up plus I want to keep > Legolas out of prying eyes." TOM: [Crystal, obsessively] Because he's MINE, and I don't like other people LOOKING AT MY STUFF! MIKE: [Stefan] If that's the case why couldn't we just have locked the door to the stor... CROW: [Crystal] LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!! MIKE: Yep, once you've started prying them, you just can't stop... CROW: Eww. > I answered then continued "The thing I > needed to talk about is that I want to take Legolas to Playland [All sit in stunned silence. Crickets chirp.] > but I want to MIKE: [Crystal] ... pass him off as the entertainment so we can get in for free! > go with all of you but I need to know when would be a good > day." ALL: Oh... Dear... Lord... MIKE: So she wants to keep him hidden, but also go to "Playland". Sounds reasonable. TOM: Maybe if Legolas is really good that day, they'll buy him a Happy Meal! CROW: Can't wait until Legolas gets a load of their "You must be centuries old to ride" signs. > > > > "How about Tuesday?" Ryan asked. CROW: [Carolyn] But don't we have school-- TOM: [Crystal] Um... it's summer... CROW: [Carolyn] But there's snow on the-- TOM: [Crystal] It's summer! CROW: [Carolyn] Christmas was just last-- TOM: [Crystal] Hey, who's the author here? Me or you? CROW: [Carolyn] ... TOM: [Crystal] Thought so. > > > > "Tuesday's good." John agreed. MIKE: [John] Tuesday is right. Tuesday works. > > > > "So Tuesday?" I asked, everyone nodded, TOM: So, it's Tuesday, then? MIKE: Yeah, I think it's gonna be Tuesday. CROW: I don't know, you guys. I was thinking Tuesday. TOM: No one will be seated during the gripping "agreeing on a day" scene, either! > "ok then I'll meet you all at > King George Station MIKE: And we'll change for Jamaica Plain. TOM: Bring extra nickels, just in case. > at 9:30 on Tuesday... Let's go then." I finished > going down the ladder. TOM: [Crystal] Then everyone started muttering something about "get the boiling oil." Oh, those kidders! CROW: Now *that* was exciting! MIKE: The obvious core of this chapter; nay, this entire plot arc! > > > > "Bye everyone." Legolas called as we left the church. MIKE: [Legolas] I don't know why Crystal said I have to stay here, but I'm sure there's a good reason! > > > > When we got home I made burgers, which Legolas enjoyed very much. MIKE: Gee, did you let him drink from the sippy cup this time? CROW: You guys think elves are susceptible to mad cow disease? TOM: [Legolas] I like them VERY MUCH! > > > > We were just finishing eating when Legolas asked, "What is Playland?" CROW: I coulda called that was coming. TOM: Geez, you dolt! It's a *land* where you *play*! You somehow have learned English, just break down the frickin' compound word!!! MIKE: [Legolas] And if it's anything like those damned malls... > > > > > "PLAYLAND IS ONLY THE BEST PLACE IN B.C. TO GO TO HAVE FUN!!" Carolyn > yelled defensively. CROW: [Carolyn] You'd have to be a stupid elf who just arrived from mythical prehistory not to know that... oh, never mind. TOM: You can guess there's not a lot going on in this province. > > > > "Calm down Carolyn." MIKE: [Crystal] Settle down, Beavis... > I said glaring at her, TOM: [Crystal] He's *my* punching bag, remember? MIKE: [Crystal] You've been into the "pure plantation sugar known to man" again, haven't you? > "Playland is a place > where you can do all sorts of things, there are rides, games and good > food also right now there's a thing called the ‘PNE' MIKE: Play no Enya? CROW: Pencil necked eggheads? TOM: Pretty neat elevator? > or the ‘Pacific > National Exhibition' ALL: Oh. > there's even more stuff to do there." CROW: "So substitute 'stores' for 'rides' and it's the mall all over again, right?" he said with blades at the ready... > I finished. TOM: Finished what? You didn't start anything! MIKE: Finished talking, Tom. TOM: Nonsense! There is clearly a period after 'there'. > > > > Legolas had figured out not to interrupt me when I was explaining > something to him MIKE: [Crystal] Hmmm, guess that electric taser did the trick. Vwa ha ha ha ha! > but as soon as I was done he burst out, CROW: [Legolas] What have I done to deserve this!? I've tried to be a good elf--revering nature, hating dwarves, slaying orcs mercilessly...why, Gandalf, why?! > "What's a ride?" CROW: Well, you've been taken for one for ten chapters so far... MIKE: So as the story progresses, Legolas is getting dumber and dumber? TOM: *sigh* What ever happened to that murderous rampaging elf from Chapter 2 we all knew and loved? > > > > "A ride is... well let me show you." TOM: [shocked] Gyaaaaaaa! CROW: [muttering] Mustn't say it... mustn't say it... mustn't say it... MIKE: Good plan. > I finished getting out my photo > album; "this is carolyn and I on our grade 7 grad trip to Playland." CROW: [Legolas] EEEWWW!!! Crystal, what's that green gunk all around your mouth? > > > > Legolas laughed, TOM: [Legolas] Time for you and your friends to die! > "Carolyn, you were so short." > > > > "Carolyn is still small." I said dodging a punch she sent my way. > "Missed me, missed me. " I taunted CROW: *Please* say she doesn't have to kiss her now... > sticking out my tongue. MIKE: Now Crystal, I don't think Carolyn swings that way. CROW: Besides, Legolas'd be pretty upset being tossed aside by her like that. TOM: Unfortunately for Carolyn, Crystal's half-Luxan, and her tongue knocked her into a coma. > > > > Carolyn jumped on top of me TOM: I knew it! Mike, the story's turned lemon! Arm all riffs! Prepare to launch a full spread! > and we had a furious wrestling match. MIKE: Power down there, Tommy. TOM: Okay, Mike, but I'm staying at the ready. CROW: Awww, where's a mud pit when you need it? > Legolas just looked on CROW: He's no fool. He likes to watch. > and laughed. MIKE: ...Ick. TOM: [suddenly] But look at it this way. We're ten chapters into this thing, and it's *still* managing to astonish us! CROW: [to Mike] He's losing it. MIKE: [to Crow] Yep. TOM: ...What? > Carolyn came out on top; TOM: Should we be watching this, Mike? > she had > me pinned to the ground holding my arms behind my back. ALL: [Simultaneously] YES! YES! GET HER! FINISH HER! GO FOR THE THROAT!! > "Don't call > me short." She said letting me go. ALL: o/~ Hold me like you'll never let me go!! o/~ > > > > "But you are." I retorted jumping away from her. MIKE: I thought she was pinned? CROW: Girl's talented, I guess. > > > > "Wow" Legolas said, "The little one beat you." MIKE: Nope, haven't seen *that* scenario *ever!* BOTS: Nopers! TOM: Screw David and Goliath, this is much more fun! > > > > "Don't call me little." Carolyn growled. CROW: [Carolyn] Call me a doughty hobbit-maiden! TOM: [Crystal] You want to be called a *hobbit?* Okay... > > > > "She only beat me because I fight with my feet, TOM: Hey, she's a master of La Savate, the French martial art! MIKE: Crystal "Destinygurl" *IS* Runaway in "Legolas: Back to the Future War!" > I mean I can kick CROW: ...the baby? TOM: [Ike] No kick de God damn baby! [normal] See, 'cause Ike and Crystal are both from Canada and that makes it funny! > higher than your head but I can't do that when I'm on the floor MIKE: [Crystal] ...I do it on the ceiling. See, there's this film called 'The Matrix', and.... > plus I didn't want to hurt Carolyn." I said TOM: Hold it! Who can kick higher than whose head! MIKE: Does it matter that much? > but the last 15 words or so > were lost on Legolas he was concerned with one thing. MIKE: [Legolas] Perhaps if I can get them to fight each other I can escape unnoticed... always seemed to work for *other* Lord of the Rings characters... > > > > "YOU can kick higher than MY head?" he asked. TOM: [Legolas, snickering] Yeah, and Frodo's a two-year-old troll! CROW: [Legolas] Flexibility--WOO HOO! MIKE: [Legolas] What are you, some sort of godlike being that can manipulate the very laws of this universe as you see fit...wait.... > > > > "Yup." ALL: Gesundheit. > I answered, "Do you want to see?" ALL: NO!!!! > > > > Legolas nodded. "Ok then stand still CROW: [Crystal] Mary-Sue powers, activate! > and don't move otherwise my foot > might come in contact with your face CROW: [Crystal] And then you'd fillet me in three seconds flat, which would be bad for me. > and I think that would hurt." TOM: Gee, ya *think?* > > > > Legolas looked worried at this remark and just as I was kicking, TOM: HI-KEEBA!! > he ducked. CROW: He moves like they do! TOM: [Legolas] I'm Faster Than You'll Ever Be. > > > > "What'd you do that for? MIKE: [Legolas] I may be a badly-characterized fanfic character, but I'm not *stupid!* > I would have missed your head." MIKE: [Legolas] Yes, but you would've broken my jaw in the meantime! TOM: [Crystal] SO?!? > I yelled, > "Stand up and STAY STILL!" CROW: [Crystal] Take your beatings like a good little sidekick, slave! TOM: [Legolas, muttering] Faced countless armies, killed more people that she's ever met, yet I'm being bossed around by a freaking schoolgirl... > > > > I kicked again MIKE: [wincing] Well, she *would* have missed if she'd been calmer... > and this time he didn't move. CROW: [Carolyn] Legolas, did you grow several inches within the last few seconds? MIKE: [Crystal] Ooo, ouch...I'm sorry. Can you still see out of that eye? > "See I told you I could > do it." I said smugly, "that's how you break someone's nose... actually > you could kill someone like that if you wanted to." CROW: If you're talking about that old "bridge of the nose into the brain" thing - A) Your nose *can't* break like that - it's cartilage. B) Even your nose COULD break like that, the force of the blow would kill them before any flying bone fragments could. C) SHUT UP, WONDERGIRL!!! TOM: [evilly] Really? You could kill someone like that, *Crystal?* Is that right, *Crystal?* So, all I'd have to do to kill, say, oh, you, for example, would be to kick you in the head--like this? [TOM swings his hoverskirt forward as if kicking, but loses control, flips once or twice, and comes down in his seat upside-down.] TOM: Ohh... my head.... MIKE: [putting Tom right-side-up] It kind of helps to do that with *legs*, Tom. TOM: [grumbling] Figures... > > > > Once we finished with my demonstration MIKE: ...which is exactly what it was... > we looked over the photo album CROW: [Legolas] Wow, I didn't even know you could *do* that with a coconut... TOM: [Crystal] ...Umm... err... that is to say... Hey look! A movie's on! > but it really didn't help much in explaining what a ride is so I just > left it to show him when we got there. MIKE: I must say that I've never seen a Mary Sue flaunt her coolness so... randomly, before. TOM: She's probably got a "Show Off" alarm setting on her watch. > > > > A warning to all who want to see this story continued I will once I > get two reveiws CROW: [Starts to leave.] Well, that's that-- MIKE: Sit. CROW: But Mike, you saw what she said. Surely not a single person after reading that would give her a review, let alone two... TOM: Yeah, with all of the hundreds of thousands of stories on fanfiction.net, certainly there's *some* chance this 'fic will be overlooked... please? MIKE: Somehow, I don't think it will be that easy... > > ************************************* > 11. Legolas Rides His First Bike CROW: [irate] Okay, who reviewed? TOM: Yeah... what're the chances of *that* happening? MIKE: Hey, Pearl... you wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you? PEARL: [over intercom, computer keyboard clattering softly but distinctly] I don't quite know what you're insinuating, Nelfic, but I've, ahem, got work to do... [clack clack] Let's see... where was I? "OMG yr fic was sooooooooo wunderfull WTF LOL i heart legolas ^_^ lol1111111" MIKE: Okay, it's official, we're doomed! ALL: DOOMED! [Pearl begins cackling very evilly.] > > Disclaimer: I own it all YAY No seriously if you think I own anything > from Lord of the Rings you're crazy CROW: So you're saying that's NOT your Legolas plushie with the lipstick smudges? > > > > To Rhysel Ash: Thank you for the compliment I'm glad you like the > story TOM: PS: Kiss my hoverskirted butt, Ash! CROW: That's one... > > > > To WeasleyTwinsLover1112: MIKE: [Destinygurl] How's trying to get Fred and George to pop out of *your* TV coming? > I'm glad that this chapter was easier to > read. MIKE: [WeasleyTwinsLover1112] ...for dyslexics... > Please do get some of your friends to read this I would love it CROW: That's two! MIKE: Crow, *please!* TOM: You'd think after eleven chapters she would've gotten the hang of that little "sentence structure" thing... > > > > > A/N: I'm sorry it took longer than I expected to update TOM: Don't stress out on *our* account, honey... > I would have > done it yesterday but I had a lot of homework and then my dad's > friend insisted that he take us out for Iranian food TOM: But on the plus side, she knows what she's feeding Legolas next. MIKE: [Destinygurl] And then I fainted from lack of breath so sorry so sorry. > and we were > there till 10:00. TOM: How long can take to transcribe your diary and shoehorn Legolas into it? > I hope to still update everyday but if more reviews > don't come in then I will have to be forced to take drastic action. MIKE: [Destinygurl] Read my story or these kittens die! BOTS: MEW!!! TOM: Seriously? You mean, if no one reviews this, the torture might come to an end? CROW: No, then she'll start updating *twice* a day. MIKE: Or worse yet... a sequel. BOTS: AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! > > > > On Monday morning we got up slowly not needing to be anywhere. TOM: When have you *ever* needed to be anywhere in this story? MIKE: [Crystal] I'm sure the school won't miss us if we skip *another* month... > Around 10:00am we went out to my back yard to find for something. TOM: [Crystal] But that didn't work, so we decided to *look* for something instead... CROW: [Crystal] I could've *sworn* that Lodak's ring of magical Mary Sue-ness was around here somewhere... TOM: SUPER-OBSCURITY BONUS! [CROW flashes blue.] > > > > "What are we looking for?" Legolas asked as we went into the very and > I mean VERY messy garage. TOM: Buried treaure? MIKE: Mr. Goodbar? CROW: A good time? MIKE: The plot? CROW: Dialogue that isn't migraine-inducing? TOM: Characterisation, theme, setting, a basic grammar book? CROW: Parents or care-givers of some sort? > > > > "A bike." I answered jumping up onto the big table in the middle of > the room. TOM: [Crystal] Miss Gulch nabbed Toto! We gotta go after her! MIKE: She has a big table in the middle of her garage? CROW: [Crystal] Carolyn? Did my table always have just three legs...AAAIIIEEE!!! > > > > Carolyn burst out laughing, TOM: [Carolyn] Silly! Bikes aren't real! They're only in movies. > "You-you're going to teach Legolas how to > ride a bike?" She asked through fits of giggles. TOM: [Carolyn, giggling] You're going to humiliate Legolas again in another totally pointless scene? Oh, how droll! MIKE: In my mind's eye, I'm seeing a pink-and-white, banana-seated, sissy- barred, My Little Pony-embossed, two-wheeled nightmare! TOM: Don't forget the handlebar tassles! CROW: Or the wicker basket! > > > > "Yes I am... Hah! MIKE: Wow--she's channeling Speed Racer! > I found it." I yelled scrambling off the table on the > other side of the room. TOM: Now there are multiple tables in the garage. MIKE: They're breeding! CROW: Nice to see something is... > > > > "Found what?" Legolas asked in a voice that was perilously close to > whining. MIKE: You call it "whining." We call it "Pained Resignation." TOM: [weakly] Eleven chapters in, and still evergreen with invention... > > > > "My dad's mountain bike." I answered shuffling stuff around to get at > it. CROW: [Crystal] Yeah! Good Ol' "Nutcracker!" > > > > "Oh my gosh... we're not... you're crazy." Carolyn sputtered. ALL: Thank you! MIKE: Sweet Lord, it's about time someone noticed! CROW: That's the first thing she's ever said that I actually agree with. > > > > "Spit it out girl." Legolas said CROW: Suddenly Legolas is a pimp in a bad porn film. MIKE: [Legolas] Or I'll catch you on the flip side! See you later, alligator! Twenty-three skiddoo! > anxious to know what was going on > (he was obviously not going to get anything from me). ALL: Thank you, helpful story! CROW: I'm so glad the story's decided to hold our hand; I'm not afraid of the monster under the seats now... > > > > "We're going mountain biking at green timbers forest aren't we?" > Carolyn asked. MIKE: [Crystal] No. > I nodded. "You're crazy!" ALL: We know! > > > > Legolas was looking from Carolyn to me and back again, "um I don't > know if I like the sound of this." He said worriedly. TOM: And yet, you're going to do it anyway... MIKE: Be afraid. Be very afraid. > > > > "Don't worry you'll be fine." I said trying to calm Legolas down. CROW: [Crystal] Come *on* ya big weeny! You crack your skull all the time fighting those orcs, don't you? > > > > Once we got the bike out of the mess TOM: [Crystal] Eww, puppy, no! > I left Carolyn MIKE: [Crystal] My 'Dear Jane' letter was little consolation.... > to explain the basics and went to get my > ‘secret-weapon-for-teaching-people-how-to-ride-a-bike'. TOM: [Crystal] Legolas, meet Mr. Teaching Stick! Ka-thwack! CROW: [Legolas] Eeeeep... MIKE: Shouldn't that have a little (TM) after it? > I went into > the storage shed under the patio CROW: Braving ten thousand spiders and one small raccoon. > and got out my Honda CV 750 F 1979 > motorcycle, CROW: Mary Sues on motorbikes: the proud tradition continues! MIKE: Hey, wait a minute! How do you teach someone to ride a bike with a far more complicated and potentially more dangerous vehicle? It's like using a Learjet to teach someone how to fly a kite... TOM: After everything else we've witnessed, you expect the story to make sense *now*? MIKE: Good point... > which I had just got working again. TOM: Well, better to have *that* between her legs then certain other things. > (It hadn't been > working since I was born TOM: She owned a motorcycle since before she was born? What a precocious kid. > and I started to fix it when I was 15) CROW: [Crystal] I would have finished sooner, but all the Zen meditation kind of slowed me down. MIKE: Okay, okay, hold the phone! Are we expected to believe that she's not only an expert singer, piano player, horseback rider, chef and Vancouver tour guide, she repairs motorcycles too? What happens next? Does the motorcycle turn into a robot or something? TOM: You must admit motorcycle repair is rather a strange talent for a Mary Sue in a Lord of the Rings fanfic... CROW: Could this be the start of some... *gasp* actual characterization? [Beat.] ALL: NAAAAAH! > Grabbing two helmets CROW: Crystal *is* Joanna Golding in "LEGOLAS, BACK TO THE FUTURE: ENEMIES!" TOM: ...Excuse me, I have to *MARK THE RIGHTEOUS HELL OUT* now. > I wheeled the huge bike over to where Carolyn > stood with Legolas. CROW: [Crystal] When I grow up, I'll actually be able to *ride* it! > > > > Being very engrossed with her lecture Carolyn didn't notice me until > I was almost on top of them; MIKE: Good thing she added that air horn to the bike, then. > she turned to ask me a question and her > eyes widened. TOM: [Carolyn] How did you get into that black leather so fast? And what the heck is up with that clown mask? > "You're now officially insane, MIKE: Ya know, I'm really starting to take a liking to Carolyn. TOM: So, seeing movie characters in your house doesn't make you insane, but riding a motorbike does? > you don't even know how > to ride a motorbike." She ranted. "I thought you said it wasn't fixed > yet." She continued. CROW: [Carolyn] What if it meets a male motorbike? We could have an unwanted litter of little mopeds on our hands. > "And what do you think to use it for?" CROW: [Crystal] Silly, to jump over the roof without a ramp! MIKE: I think to use motorbikes for transportation. What do you think? > Carolyn finished, very out of breath. MIKE: Out of breath? She said four sentences! CROW: Ranting, continuing, and finishing really *does* take a lot of wind. > > > > "Sort of, I lied and teaching." TOM: [Carson as Karnac] Name an expression, a confession, and a profession! CROW: [Ed McMahon] Ho ho ho! Yes! MIKE: Man, that bit never gets old with you two, does it? > I answered quickly. TOM: [Crystal] Now SILENCE, MINION!!! CROW: [Carolyn] Yes, master! > > > > "Huh?" Carolyn was now really confused. MIKE: You and me both, sister! CROW: Welcome to the club. TOM: And so the Han Solo role passes to Carolyn. > > > > "I sort of know how to ride a motorbike, MIKE: Um, Crystal? Big Wheels don't count. > my dad has given me a few > lessons. MIKE: [Crystal] Well, you know, I watched him ride it a couple times. > I told you it wasn't fixed because I was going to surprise > you by taking you on a road trip ALL: Rooooooad triiiiiip!!! > with it this week but plans > changed." I continued nodding in Legolas' direction. MIKE: [Crystal] Interrupt *my* plans, will you? > "And last I'm > going to use it to teach Legolas how to ride a bike." Carolyn still > looked totally clueless so I gave up on her and addressed Legolas. TOM: [Crystal] Legolas Greenleaf, 1600 Lasgalen Avenue, Thranduil City, Northern Mirkwood, 90210... > "Here put on this helmet and make sure you keep the visor down... TOM: [Crystal] Now no one can see your face if the headlight reflects off it and you can weld without getting hurt. MIKE: *Stop* with the "Enemies" references! TOM: Come on, Mike, when in the next hundred years are we ever going to be able to make them again? MIKE: Fine, fine. > good, so you get on like this... great, ok, there's going to be a lot of > noise CROW: o/~ Get your motor running... head out on the highway... o/~ MIKE: Wait, wait... so *how* exactly is this going to help Legolas learn how to ride a plain old *bicycle?* TOM: Look at it this way, Mike: Now he can join Mordor's Angels! > when I start it so plug your ears or something" I said getting > on the bike (by bike I mean motorbike). TOM: [Crystal] (By aside, I mean stating the obvious, except in parentheses.) MIKE: Glad you cleared that up for us! CROW: Aww, and here I had a great mental picture of her hopping on her Big Wheel! > > > > It started with a roar and Legolas despite all his efforts could not > plug his ears, as they were under a helmet, so he just cringed. MIKE: [Crystal] D'oh! Sorry! Forgot about your big ass ears! CROW: Now a thickly muscled blonde man will point a sword at him after saying, 'I have the pow-- TOM: No! > > > > "LEGOLAS PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND MY WAIST AND HOLD ON." TOM: [Legolas] Never! I will never fulfill your sick fantasies! CROW: Hey--this thing might have merit yet. > I yelled over > the noise. Legolas gripped very tight. CROW: [Crystal] Ack!...Legolas...Ican'tbreathe...ulp! > "OW! LET GO! LET GO!" I yelled > almost in panic. Legolas did as he was told and the pressure was > removed. "Own." I moaned TOM: Well Crystal, owning up to your pain *is* a good first step. CROW: [Crystal] Kr1zt31 0WnZ joo!!! > rubbing to spot where his arms had been. CROW: Yes, you too can own the spot, for just twelve easy payments! MIKE: This fic would either give Freud an orgasm or an aneuryism... > "Right on my bruised rib." > > > > "Did I hurt you?" Legolas asked worriedly. TOM: [Legolas] Did I really? Huh? Did I? 'cause that was actually my weakest grip. CROW: Would a virginity riff be considered wrong here? MIKE: Wrong *AND* clichéd. CROW: Roger that! > > > > "No it's and old injury, I bruised my rib while riding (horses) a few > weeks ago." I answered. CROW: Good thing she clarified those were horses, or I don't know what I would have thought.... Come to think of it, I'm still not sure what I think. MIKE: So it could have been something else? TOM: Llamas, elephants, mountain goats... > > > > "I thought you were a good rider." Legolas said in mock offence. CROW: He's never going to find out, at this rate. TOM: And he still wants to get on a motorbike with this girl? MIKE: And Legolas's mock offence has the defence confused. They're scrambling...Plot Contrivance is moving in and...SCORE! A great pass from Logical Loophole, and One-Dimensional Character bangs it into the net! > > > > "Oh shush, Mr. Devji (my dad's boss, the one who owns the barns) TOM: Arthur "Two Barns" Devji... MIKE: Ah, and he could have been anything from the ringmaster to that guy in the mall kiosk. > asked me to exercise the other horses while he was away but he just > got a new horse and it had either never been ridden or was abused CROW: Now here's the touching pro-social message of the story. > so it threw me CROW: [Crystal] I mean, it was *obviously* through no fault of mine since I am utterly without error.... TOM: I think the horse was trying to make the world a better place. MIKE: Ouch. > and I crashed into the fence. CROW: Sure... Blame the horse! MIKE: Well, it couldn't be her fault. She's perfect! Just ask her! TOM: You know, if this were an episode of Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky, that would probably be enough damage to kill off Kyo Kusanagi. Again. > I'm lucky the damage was so > minimal." I finished in a tone that closed the matter. TOM: [Crystal] Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. > "Put your arms > lower, CROW: [Crystal] Hey, wait, don't put them *there*! Ick! No! MIKE: [Legolas] My bad! > around my waist not my ribs." TOM: [Crystal] Now, move your body to the rhythm of the music...oh, Legolas, you'll never learn this in time for prom! > I advised as we got going. CROW: Okay, this is creepy even for *me!* > > > > About five minute later we came back. "That was short." Carolyn > commented. TOM: [Carolyn] I've got some Viagra in my purse.... CROW: The stamina of an elf... > > > > "We only went around the block." I answered. CROW: [Crystal] *sigh* We barely even made it to first base! > > > > "I still don't get what that was for." Carolyn said in confusion. CROW: You see, when a fangirl loves an elf, she-- MIKE: Will you just cut that out? > > > > "It was so that Legolas could get used to the balancing motion of a > bike." I explained. > > > > "Ahh, it all makes sense now." MIKE: [Carolyn] You're completely out of your tree! TOM: [Carolyn] Destinygurl knows absolutely nothing about motorcycles! CROW: Funny, I can see how that makes sense all of a sudden. > Carolyn said although I was not sure > if she was telling the truth. TOM: Carolyn might just be smarter than she looks... > > > > "Legolas, are you ready." MIKE: May I have 45 seconds on the clock please. BOTS: *Ding!* MIKE: [sarcastically] Thank you! > He nodded. CROW: [Legolas] Wait... Nodding means "no", right? > "Great then lets try it on a > real bike now." I said. CROW: But I thought a real bike *did* make lots of noise while spewing thick black smoke... > > > > Around 11:00 we finally got Legolas riding a bike quite well, TOM: By 12:00 he used that single motorcycle to subdue Japan. > Carolyn > went to pack some food as I loaded the bikes into my truck. We got to > green timbers forest and immediately started riding. MIKE: INTENSE... PICNICKING... ACTION!!! CROW: These girls are insatiable! Mary Sues Gone Wild! > > > > About an hour and a half later we found one of those mountain bike > trick thingies [All snicker.] MIKE: Such riveting descriptive language. CROW: 'Trick thingies?' TOM: Ya know, the only thing worse than explaining a word everyone knows is not explaining a phrase no one understands. > that were stationed along the path. This one was a > bridge about 10 feet off the ground and only wide enough for one tire > to fit on it. > > > > "I'm going to try." Carolyn said starting up the ramp. > > > > "Me too." I agreed CROW: [Crystal] But I'm doing it backwards! On one wheel! Blindfolded! While being attacked by ferrets! > > > > We both made it over with relative ease and were just about to > continue when we heard a scream behind us. CROW: [Crystal, dubbed] Look out! It's the headless horseman! MIKE: Legolas finally realizes he'll *never* get to leave. > We turned around just in > time to see Legolas hit the ground MIKE: ...running, not stopping until he escapes the fanfic! BOTS: Go, Legolas, go! > > ************************************* > > 12. Chapter 12 for lack of a better title MIKE: For lack of a better title, our interest was lost. CROW: For lack of our interest, the story was lost. TOM: For lack of a story, our minds were lost. ALL: And all for the lack of a better title! > > pipin-lovergirl: Thank you for reviewing I'll keep up the story. CROW: Forgive them, Lord! They know not what they do! > > > > Disclaimer: I don't own anything except myself and my computer. TOM: Have you guys noticed how Destiny's list of possessions keeps getting longer? MIKE and CROW: Veeeeeeery innnnteresting! > > > > A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in so long I have so much homework right > now CROW: Let's hear it for Destinygurl's teachers, guys! [All clap--those with working hands, anyway--and cheer.] > so please forgive me. TOM: We will *not!* How dare you leave us hanging that long! MIKE: We were left hanging for thirty seconds. TOM: But it could have been longer! > > > > I rushed over to Legolas and knelt beside him. "He's unconscious." I > called to Carolyn. CROW: [Crystal] I can tell because his eyes are open! > Rummaging through TOM: [Crystal] ...Legolas' pockets, looking for loose change... > my pack I pulled out CROW: [Crystal] Some cotton candy. I was *starving*! > my pocket TOM: [Crystal] --knife, and prepared to finish him off. MIKE: Yeesh, why so dark all of a sudden? > first aid kit, TOM: Which was right next to her pocket microwave oven and beneath her pocket kayak. > turning back to Legolas I cleaned the cut on his > forehead with an antiseptic wipe and then applied a bandage. CROW: Oh, come on, Crystal! Aren't you gonna kiss it better for him? [All snicker.] > Suddenly > it started to rain. CROW: [Crystal] Rats. I wasted a good antiseptic wipe and the rain would've done it for free. > > > > "Oh great as if things couldn't get any worse" TOM: [Stadium Vendor] Clichés! Get your clichés here!!! > Carolyn growled. CROW: But they did--the story continued. TOM: [Carolyn] Grrrrr...ruff, ruff! *Pant, pant*. > > > > Trying to lighten the mood I turned to Carolyn and said, MIKE: [Crystal] An elf, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar... > "Welcome to Vancouver the land of liquid sunshine." CROW: They make dishwashing stuff there? MIKE: I'd think mentioning Vancouver would make one's mood *worse*. TOM: How exactly does one 'lighten the mood' at the scene of a friend's possibly fatal motorcycle accident? > > > > "What's liquid sunshine?" a voice behind me asked. TOM: Yay! He's okay! And he's still stupid! MIKE: Orange juice, I think. CROW: Vancouver is the land of orange juice? > > > > "Legolas you're awake." I cried happily turning back to him. MIKE: And he hasn't changed a bit! > > > > "Don't worry about me I've had a lot worse injuries than a bump on > the head." TOM: [Legolas] ...like sustaining major brain damage on my way into your dimension... > Legolas assured us as he started to get up. TOM: [Legolas] AAAAHHHH! GOD, MY SPINE! > > > > "Sit down." I pleaded. > > > > "It's ok I'm fine." MIKE: [Legolas] I've wrecked *plenty* of bikes. > Legolas said starting to walk over to his bike. MIKE: Legolas is probably thinking that if he hurries, he might just be able to escape... > > > > "Sit down." I growled the command CROW: [Crystal, Cartman] That's a bad elf! Bad, bad elf! TOM: [Crystal] Now, roll over! No! No! Bad puppy! > then softening my tone MIKE: [Crystal] ...by gargling with Snuggle... > I continued. CROW: [Crystal] For that stunt, I'm taking away your allowance, young man! > "Even if it's only for us. TOM: [Legolas] And what of those other fangirls over there gawking at you caring for the actor of your dreams? > Besides it's time for lunch anyways." MIKE: [Crystal] Quit lollygagging! I want some grilled cheese! CROW: [Crystal] You might have some sort of internal injury! You need a sandwich!!! TOM: [Crystal] Plus you need to be nice and healthy for your trip to the Emper--I mean, to see our *other* friends! > > > > Legolas dejectedly sat under the tree MIKE: [Legolas] Um, I think I might have a concussion-- TOM: [Crystal] Oh, it's always about *you*, isn't it?! > that Carolyn had set our stuff > under and started to eat his tuna sandwich. CROW: [Legolas] Hmm... Why does this remind me of Arwen? > > > > Just then I noticed something. "Legolas you're bleeding" I cried as I > noticed blood seeping through his pants right around TOM: ...his exposed shin bone. MIKE: Ouch! > his knee. TOM: [Legolas] Oh that? I must have fallen on my can of V-8! > > > > "It's nothing." He said. CROW: [Legolas] It's only a flesh wound! TOM: [Legolas] It's just my trick knee. Tends to explode every now and again. No biggie. MIKE: [Legolas] I'm more worried about the fact I seem to be missing an arm. > > > > "Let me see." I demanded. He started to protest as I rolled up his > pant leg but I silenced him with a look. CROW: [Crystal] I am an eighteen-year-old mallrat; you're a veteran of a hundred battlefields. *Obviously* I'm more qualified to deal with this! MIKE: And he didn't even get to finish his sandwich... > His kneecap was all bloody > and most of the skin had been torn off, CROW: Whoa! His kneecap DID explode! TOM: Defying the laws of physics, apparently, as his pants were unscathed. > I quickly got another > antiseptic wipe and started to clean away the blood. TOM: [Crystal] Hey, this isn't blood! It's strawberry juice! CROW: Strawber...? You're dead, Servo! [CROW lunges at TOM, but MIKE restrains him.] MIKE: Relax honey, She Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken isn't really here. > > > > "Ow! Hey what are you doing to me?" CROW: Yikes! TOM: [Crystal, nervously] I'm smashing your head with a frying pan. Why? > Legolas asked recoiling slightly > from the stinging CROW: [Legolas] And why does that bottle say sulfuric acid on it? > of the peroxide ALL: Oh. > as it touched the open wound. CROW: [Crystal] Torturing you, naturally! Heehee--this is fun! > > > > "I'm just cleaning the cut, now get back here and don't be such a > baby." TOM: 'cause, ya know, Legolas, almighty warrior prince of Mirkwood, who's been near death more times than he can count, can't handle a lousy flesh wound! MIKE: Enough of a baby to have to mother... not enough of a baby to have to change. > I said moving closer to him and continuing to wipe away the > blood. MIKE: [Legolas] Ah! Get her away! > > > > A few minutes later I had bandaged Legolas' knee and we were > finishing our lunch. CROW: I'm starting to think Destinygurl has some sort of weird picnic fetish going on... > "Now we owe John a new pair of pants." TOM: [Crystal] ...since Baby made a poo-poo in this pair. > I grumbled. "What were you doing anyway?" > > > > "I was trying the bridge." Legolas answered. CROW: [Legolas] If I got past that, I was going to go on to the chorus! > > > > "What would posses your mind into thinking you could do that?" I > asked, my voice rising. TOM: [Legolas] Because I saw you two doorknobs do it and thought "How hard could it be?" > > > > "Um." Legolas said sheepishly, then, trying to change the subject > asked again. "What is liquid sunshine?" CROW: You know... black gold, Texas tea... TOM: I'm worried this is turning into a public service announcement about the need for bike helmets... > > > > "Sheesh I can never get a straight answer out of you." I said > exasperated. MIKE: Ms. Pot - I believe you've met Mr. Kettle... TOM: Oooh, if my fingers worked I'd flip her off *SO* hard! > > > > "Liquid sunshine is another name for rain, which we get a lot of > here." CROW: Oh come on! You're just making stuff up now! > Carolyn interjected before I could bite Legolas' head off > anymore. MIKE: Well Crystal, the first step *is* admitting you have a problem. TOM: The story's so abysmal that the girls have resorted to cannibalism. CROW: Can you really consider that cannibalism, Tom? Legolas is an *elf*. TOM: Semantics, Crow. > > > > "Let's go." I said starting to pack up. CROW: [Crystal] I swear you people are SO inferior to me! > > > > "Um Crystal, CROW: [Legolas] I made a poo-poo again. > my bike isn't working." Legolas said worriedly after > riding about 3 feet. TOM: Nonsense! If you can ride it 3 feet, it's working. > > > > I skidded to a halt. "What do you mean?" I asked. TOM: [Legolas] I mean THE BIKE...DOESN'T...*WORK*! > > > > "The wheel is shaking and it's making it very hard to ride." Legolas > answered. > > > > So I went over to the bike and looked it over. "There's your problem." CROW: [Crystal] Dandruff. MIKE: [Crystal] I, master of the story, have caused this problem to occur so that you must rely on me to solve all your problems. > I said tapping the bolt holding the wheel to the frame of > the bike. "When you fell the bolt must have come loose." I rummaged > through my pack again, MIKE: [Crystal] ...found my lipstick, put it on, put it back, went home. > brought out my mini-wrench and tightened the > bolt. MIKE: I'm just surprised she wasn't packing an air driver! TOM: What else does all-powerful Crystal have in her pack of wonders? > > > > "That's the second time you've helped me with something from your > backpack, what do you have in there?" Legolas asked, TOM: [Crystal] If I give you the right answer, do I win a Ring of Power? > overcome by curiousness. MIKE: Or curiosity--whichever you prefer. TOM: [Crystal, solemnly] Many have sought to know the secret of The Backpack. All who have learned its true nature have been driven mad. Some have even gone mad from not knowing. Now... Do you still desire to know about The Backpack? CROW: [Legolas] Umm... Yeah. TOM: [Crystal, cheerfully] Okie-dokey, then! > > > > "Let's see I have my pocket first aid kit, the mini-wrench, TOM: o/~ Allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters o/~ > a small air pump MIKE & TOM: o/~ Walkie talkies, copper wire, safety goggles, radial tires o/~ > and some other stuff like MIKE & TOM: o/~ BB pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers o/~ > a space blanket and MIKE & TOM: o/~ Paint removers, window louvers, masking tape and plastic gutters o/~ > lots of food." I answered. MIKE & TOM: o/~ Kitchen faucets, folding tables, water-stripping, jumper cables, hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles o/~ ALL: o/~ Pesticides for fumigation, high performance lubrication, metal- roofing water-proofing multipurpose insolation, air compressers, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors, tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors, trailor hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers, tennis rackets, ankle brackets, Duracells and Energizers, soffet panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers, calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers! o/~ [ALL are frozen in place, while huge yellow words reading "256 CONSECUTIVE NOTES, OUTSTANDING MUSICAL INTERLUDE!" float in front of them for several seconds, then move to the right offscreen as the action resumes.] MIKE: [taking a breath] Man, that is *hard on the lungs*! TOM: Whiner. MIKE: Shut up. > > > > "Why do you keep so much stuff in there?" Legolas asked. CROW: [Crystal] Tax purposes. > > > > "Cause I'm paranoid." CROW: Two. MIKE: What? CROW: Two times she's riffed herself. TOM: I'll bet some of that "other stuff" in there is a tinfoil hat and some homemade "Grey" repellent. > I answered getting back on my bike therefore > putting an end to Legolas stream of questions. TOM: In fact, I *damned* his stream of questions! Ha-ha! Get it? Dammed- damned? [MIKE and CROW groan.] > > > > Once we got home Carolyn cooked supper MIKE: [Crystal] ...while I reclined on my leather sofa and Legolas fed me grapes. > as I went to pack what we > needed for tomorrow. > > > > "What are you packing?" Legolas asked. CROW: [Crystal] A .45 semi, an M249, and a dozen AP grenades. You? > > > > "Stuff." I answered absentmindedly. MIKE: [Crystal] Just the drugs we slip into your food to keep you all stupid and doci..IIIII mean "stuff?" Tee-hee? > > > > "What kind of stuff?" Legolas persisted. > > > > "You know you're worse than a five year old." I said exasperated. CROW: [Legolas/Mindy] Why? Why? Okay, I love you, bubye. TOM: [Crystal] Stop trying to understand this strange world into which you've suddenly been catapulted! MIKE: [Crystal] Man! *Why* did I write you into my story again? > "Basically I'm packing snacks like granola bars CROW: [Crystal] ...and beetle larvae. MIKE: Granola isn't a snack. It's penance. > and fruit leathers CROW: So she got elf-boy a new wardrobe already, then? > also some warm clothes for the evening and water bottles for > everyone." I finished. CROW: Crystal - Den Mother of the Universe! > > > > "Ahh ok that makes sense." Legolas said as we were heading upstairs > for dinner. TOM: [Legolas] So what are we having tonight? CROW: [Crystal] Soylent Green. TOM: [Legolas] Hmm... Sounds exotic! MIKE: Don't you wonder what he would've done if it *hadn't* made sense? > > > > "So what should we do first?" Carolyn asked once we were finished > eating. MIKE: [Crystal] Let's see if we can find the plot. > > > > "What we always do first." TOM: [Crystal] PANIC! CROW: [Crystal] Try to take over the world! MIKE: [Crystal] Make Legolas look like a utter tool! > I answered. "The swings." CROW: A little S&M seems in order, eh? MIKE: Quiet, you. > > > > "Duh why didn't I think of that" Carolyn said. CROW: [Crystal] Because I'm the author, and you're an idiot? > "We should probably go > to bed soon TOM: [Carolyn] It's been a while since we had an awkward, suggestive bedroom scene. > after all tomorrow will take a lot of energy out of us." CROW: But see, Mike? Things are finally taking off. MIKE: I'll believe that when I see it. > > > > "Good point." I agreed heading downstairs. CROW: Upstairs, downstairs, all around the town! TOM: So she really *does* live in her parents' basement? MIKE: Let's just get out of here, you guys... [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge. The table is covered with a bunch of brochures and other promo- tional materials, which Crow and Tom are browsing through.] MIKE: [walking in] Hey, guys, have you seen Gypsy? She--hey, what's all this? TOM: Oh nothing, just some stuff I sent away for from Destinygurl Community College! MIKE: What the...? CROW: Indeed, Mike! Apparently she decided to take the teaching philosophy embodied in this fanfic and apply it to the entire spectrum of academic and technical disciplines! MIKE: Oh, you mean, like how she used the motorcycle to teach Legolas how to ride a bike? TOM: Yes indeed, and so much more! Take a look at her cosmetology program! [Gestures at a pamphlet at a table] MIKE: [Picks up pamphlet and reads it] "Cosmetology 101: Beginning Hair Styling. Required materials--" What the f--a *CHAINSAW*? TOM: Yep, once you get the hang of cutting someone's hair with a chainsaw, using a plain old razor will be *no* problem! CROW: And don't forget Destinygurl's extensive course in computer science! [Hands Mike another pamphlet] MIKE: "In case your CD-ROM gets scratched, use the terawatt laser in the Physics Lab to rewrite the disk byte by byte!" TOM: But that's not nearly as fun as the Destinygurl School of Veterinary Medicine! [Mike takes the pamphlet and opens it.] MIKE: Awww... a cute little sick kitten... [flips the page] MY LORD!!! WHAT IS THAT GIRL DOING WITH THAT HUGE HONKING--THAT POOR LITTLE--I'M GONNA BE SICK!!!! [Mike runs out of the room, his hands cupped over his mouth.] CROW: What was *that* all about? TOM: That man obviously doesn't have the stomach for higher education. CROW: So how do I get financial aid for this school, Servo? TOM: Hmmm, let's see... [rifles through the stack of pamphlets] Here we go. To get financial aid... rob a bank. CROW: Huh? TOM: ...using a piece of fruit. CROW: Oh, is that *all*? I was expecting something more difficult... [Movie sign flashes. Klaxons blare.] BOTS: Aaaaaugh! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN! [exit] [As soon as the robots leave, Gypsy sneaks onto the stage, holding a video tape in her mouth. She looks to her left and her right to see if the coast is clear, then very slowly makes her way across the bridge and exits stage right.] TO BE CONTINUED... (((((((( END OF PART 4 -- Other parts coming soon! )))))))) All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. Lord of the Rings and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl, and she's welcome to it. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. And don't forget to wear your bike helmet! ----- Last Update: 20 September 2003 - Send comments to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com > "Own." I moaned rubbing to spot where his arms had been.