MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Chapters 7-9 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, His Majesty the God-Emperor, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey Missed Parts 1 and 2? Catch the ongoing "Legolas" saga at: http://www.geocities.com/rivercityrandom [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] >************************************** > > 7. Espanol Caballo Spanish Horse CROW: Better than Spanish Fly. MIKE: Okay, the Iron Chefs have just gone too damn far this time! TOM: L'histoire injustifie pointless story! [Mike mumbles something] TOM: Oops! El historia insustancial pointless story! > CROW: [annoying kiddy voice] Oooooo, no disclaimerrrrr! I'm telling on youuuuuuu! > I finished grooming and tacking up Frenchy CROW: Softly and gently giving her back a stroke while PINNING HER TO THE WALL! *GUWAAA-HAAA-HAAAAA!!!!* TOM: So the Spanish horse is named "Frenchy"? MIKE: Come to think of it, shouldn't that be freedom-y? [The bots snicker.] > while Legolas was still > trying to figure out whether to use the curry comb TOM: I don't like those spicy Indian hair care items. > or the dandy brush CROW: I think he probably should use that on himself, huh? Based on the title and all? > on Chabella's tail CROW: So he decided to use the railgun. MIKE: "Horsemeat" fragged by "Elf Prince Snipegolas" > (he was actually supposed to use the mane comb), MIKE: [Crystal] Not like I felt like helping him or anything. Because it was just so much fun to watch him screw everything up so I could reprimand him later. > he nearly got kicked trying to clean out her hooves (good thing for elves > quick reflexes). CROW: [Legolas] Don't you have servants for this? MIKE: Good thing for Legolas, he's properly characterized for a change! TOM: Oh, like that's saying *so* much! > I finally gave up trying to concentrate on what I was > doing because Legolas was yelling in Elfish TOM: [Crystal] Wow, I never knew Elvish had so many swear words... > I pulled him away from > Chabella trying to calm him down. CROW: [Legolas] But... but... Chabella laughed at me, and called me "Leggy- lass", and made fun of my pointed ears and my Robin Hood costume! > "It's ok" I said, "Let me help." 20 > minutes later CROW: [Crystal] I finished smoking my cigarette. Legolas seemed much calmer now. > I had thoroughly gone over the grooming/tacking process MIKE: [Legolas] A saddle! How quaint! > using Tonto as a demo MIKE: And using the Lone Ranger as the full registered version! [Mike dodges a severe bapping.] > and was urging Legolas to try himself. CROW: He better watch it--that causes blindness, I've heard. MIKE: Legolas Greenleaf is Pizza the Hut. > He did so > with a small amount of Elfish cursing (at least I guessed it was > cursing, what else can you say in that tone?) MIKE: Something along the lines of "Ka-Me-Ha..." perhaps? CROW: [Crystal] Now Legolas, sending the horse to the tenth level of Hell using your elven magics won't solve your problems. TOM: [Legolas] Well maybe not, but it feels damn good! > He did fine with the > grooming and the putting on of the saddle MIKE: Thrill to the amazing saddle putting-onning! > but when he got to the bridle > thing weren't going so well. TOM: Does she wear it or marry it? > Chabella just wasn't cooperating she was > moving back and forth and shaking her head. CROW: o/~ Shake shake shake...shake shake shake...shake your booootaaaaaay o/~ TOM: [Chabella] Do-o-on't let the magical being who's in tune with nature come n-e-e-ear me. MIKE: [Chabella] Watch it, elf, or I call Bombadil! > I abandoned warming up Tonto CROW: *Just* before she opened the lighter fluid. > and went over to them very mad at Chabella. Using my last resort I went > and CROW: [Crystal] ...Emptied a full clip of hollow points into her head. TOM: Served her right. > whispered in Chabella's ear. CROW: [Crystal] Chabella no baka! [*wham*] TOM: [Crystal] Shape up or it's the dog meat factory for you! > "Shalom Chabella, Legolas mes amigo, > comprende?" CROW: So did she just say "Hello," "Goodbye," or "Peace?" MIKE: Spanish by way of Tel Aviv, I see. TOM: [Chabella] Sorry, dear, I'm getting verklempt! > (Be at peace Chabella, Legolas is my friend, understand?) CROW: We understand... can we go now? TOM: [Chabella] Butbutbutbutbut... he... touched me! It felt... icky! MIKE: Don't you start, too. > I got that out of my own head> CROW: I was thinking of a different region to pull it from... MIKE: Ahem. CROW: Come on, Mike! What's wrong with a joke about ears?! MIKE: Well, I just thought... CROW: You thought?! YOU THOUGHT?! MIKE: Crow? Back to the fic. CROW: *grumbles* Nel-son-of-a... > "What was that?" > Legolas asked in awe MIKE: Legolas? It's called a butt. > as I slipped the bridle on Chabella with ease. > "That was Spanish TOM: You don't say?! > it is a language spoken in Spain, Mexico and other > central and South American countries. CROW: Like Israel! MIKE: And Babelfish, apparently... > Chabella knows I mean business > when I speak Spanish you could almost swear she understood." MIKE: [Crystal] I learned the technique from "I Love Lucy!" CROW: [Crystal] It also helps when I don't use punctuation. TOM: [Crystal] I wonder if the whippings for disobedience have anything to do with it. > "I bet she > does" Legolas said with a smile. "And I think you know it, otherwise you > wouldn't talk to her in full sentences." MIKE: [Legolas] Horses don't be unnastan' no jive, sistah! TOM: So horses understand humans only if the latter use proper grammar? CROW: That means these horses shouldn't have a clue. > I giggled because I knew it was > true MIKE: [Crystal] Yep, I am perfect! > > > CROW: And the fic takes a pause so we understand the greatness that is Crystal. > "Are you ready to go?" I asked Legolas. He nodded but then added, TOM: [Legolas] Um, you're not coming with me, are you? > "What should I do if Chabella starts to act up again?" TOM: [Crystal] Well, you see that spiked club over there? > "Just say > 'shalom' she should calm down," MIKE: [Crystal] If you've got the chutzpah. TOM: The chance to explore your spirituality is often calming. > I answered leading her to the warm up > ring. CROW: Whoa, Legolas changed into a girl?! MIKE: The horse, Tom, the horse. CROW: Legolas turned into the horse?! TOM: I'm still trying to figure out where Carolyn's dialogue disappeared to. > Once Legolas was on Chabella CROW: This story took a turn in a completely wrong direction, there. > all troubles with the bridle were > forgotten. It was amazing to see the Elf ride it was like they were one > being. CROW: I don't think I can read any more, Mike. MIKE: I think you're misinterpreting, Crow. > They were beautiful to watch. TOM: [Crystal] Even though he was riding backwards... CROW: So, correct me if I'm wrong here, she likes to watch? MIKE: Hey now...! CROW: She said it, not me! MIKE: ... *sigh* I know. > After warming up we went riding on > the dyke. TOM: Ellen DeGeneres was not amused. > "Lets race to the gate" I yelled happy to be back on my horse. CROW: o/~ I'm baaaaaaack... I'm baaaack in the saddle again! o/~ TOM: Okay, this is getting into a *really* weird area here... > "Yeah" Carolyn answered. Legolas didn't say anything. "Oh come on > Legolas," I said moving Frenchy closer to Chabella. "You guys go I'm not > use to Chabella I couldn't keep up with you. TOM: [Legolas] I can't make this horse go! I'm a terrible elf, aren't I? > I've seen Frenchy run and > it's amazing." He said making an excuse. CROW: Instead of sense. > I wasn't about to take no for > an answer MIKE: Do you ever? TOM: Yeah, why start now? > so I moved as close to Chabella as I dared then winking at > Carolyn I said "Chabella correr rápido" [Tom makes a trumpet call.] MIKE: Sheesh, whatever happened to "Arriba, arriba"? > (Chabella run fast) CROW: "People called Romanes they go the house??" TOM: No, that says "Chabella to run quick". I believe you mean to say "ˇChabella corre rapidamente!" MIKE: Yeesh, Destinygurl can't even get *English* right; you'd think that she'd be wary of trying a *second* language. > She immediately MIKE: Started laughing at your shaky grasp of Spanish. > took off and Tonto followed CROW: Mary-Sue tracks. Two, three days old. > with Frenchy in close pursuit. > Laughing manically TOM: Crystal's off her lithium again. CROW: Wow. Horses can laugh. I did not know this. MIKE: Mr. Ed *is* Frenchy, in a role that *will* surprise you! > I urged Frenchy faster and pretty soon I had passed > Carolyn (on Tonto) and was abreast with Legolas CROW: ... MIKE: Go on? CROW: ... MIKE: Good 'bot. > (on Chabella) CROW: Wait, I'm confused. Who's on Chabella? TOM: No, Who's on Tonto. CROW: What? TOM: Is on Frenchy. CROW: Who is? TOM: On Tonto, yes. CROW: What? TOM: What's on Frenchy. CROW: I don't know. ALL: Chabella! > now that > he was actually competing (against his will) MIKE: [Crystal] He's stronger than most, but I finally broke him! > he was trying very hard to > win. TOM: [Crystal] Ha ha ha, I'm putting his life in danger for my own twisted amusement! What a riot! > I giggled as he was urging on Chabella with Nora lim CROW: The great Irish-Korean soprano? > (faster in > elfish). MIKE: Yes. Ah hah, foolish elf man, using the ancient tongue that all horses know and fully understand instinctively. What a goof. TOM: Um... I'm no equestrian, but since when do horses respond to anything more compicated than "HYAH!" or "WHOA!" or a gunshot? CROW: All the better to make Legolas look like a dickweed, my dear! > "That's never going to work" I called to Legolas tauntingly MIKE: Chabella apparently doesn't speak elvish. TOM: She's the only one so far. > "Try rápido" I laughed seeing the shocked expression on Legolas' face MIKE: [Legolas] You take that back! TOM: [Legolas] I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids! > as Chabella leaped forward. MIKE: Yes. Because Legolas, being an elf, and thus bonded to his horse for "it is the way of all elves", as Mr. J. R. R. Tolkien has stated multiple times before, had no control over his horse. You know, author, if you can search through the three books and find an obscure sentence about elves sleeping with their eyes open, you could at *least*... ah... uh... [The 'bots look on as Mike, rising from his seat, sways drunkenly.] TOM: Well? MIKE: ...It just occured to me that I can't think of a way she could fix this. TOM: Not bitchslap the rules of grammar in the face? CROW: Write a story that actually has some plot to it? TOM: Give Legolas some sort of border-line intelligence? CROW: Sacrifice herself to Lucifer in the name of all that is good? MIKE: [sitting down again] Yeah... yeah, that'd help. > "Keep moving Frenchy" I said spurring her > faster. MIKE: [Crystal] Or there'll be no graduation day for you! CROW: [track announcer] And at the three-quarter pole it's Meaningless Plot Line followed closely by Self-Absorbed Mary Sue and chomping at his heels it's Poor Miss Characterization, and Poor Miss Characterization's putting in quite an effort to make the pass, and...oh...no...no luck! It's Self-Absorbed Mary Sue, Meaningless Plot Line, Meaningless Plot Line, Self-Absorbed Mary Sue, and...yes! Self-Absorbed Mary Sue wins the Delta Derby! ALL: Woo hoo! > Ten feet away from the gate I passed Chabella one last time. A > few strides later I passed the 'finish line' (the gate) "Yes we won!" MIKE: [dully] What a surprise finish. The crowd goes wild. BOTS: [dully] Yay. > I yelled at the top of my lungs TOM: And five seconds later she was lying in a thorn bush. > patting Frenchy on the neck. CROW: Not since "All The King's Horses" have we seen such HOT EQUESTRIAN ACTION!!! MIKE: [Crystal] And so I have further proved my superiority to that dumb elf guy! TOM: Er... Did she just rip off _Black Beauty_? MIKE: I'm not sure... > Legolas came > in a second later and then Carolyn. TOM: [Crystal] Worthless Carolyn, can't even beat a fictional character.... > "Alto" (stop) MIKE: [Legolas] Sorry, I'm more of a tenor (voice). TOM: No no no, the imperative form is...aww, just forget it. CROW: Somebody *please* tell Destinygurl you can't use a foreign language by copying words straight from the dictionary. > I called as Chabella > rushed past me, she screeched to a halt. MIKE: [Chabella] Woo, glad I got those four-wheel discs. TOM: All we need is for those horses to be telepathic and we've got a Mercedes Lackey crossover. > I trotted over to Legolas, his > face was flushed and his eyes were dancing. CROW: Southern Baptists immediately boycotted Legolas's eyes. > "That was exhilarating," he > said happily. CROW: [Legolas] What with you taking away my dignity and all that... heh heh... TOM: [Legolas] I *love* being handily whipped at horseracing by teen-aged girls! > "I told you it would be fun," Carolyn said coming up > behind us. CROW: Carolyn? Who's that? MIKE: I dunno...some chick from the beginning, I think? TOM: Beats me. > "All right, all right it was" Legolas admitted. MIKE: [Legolas] Now will you put down the cattle prod, *please*? TOM: [Carolyn, giggling] But it's so *fun*! [*zaaap*] > "I would say > lets do it again but I think our horses need a rest" I said knowingly CROW: Say... MIKE: This fic just never stops. > "How about we go to the old barn ALL: Aaaahhh! > and eat our lunch" ALL: Oh. > Carolyn said eyeing > my ALL: Aaaahhh! > saddlebags. ALL: Oh. MIKE: She's gonna give us heart attacks. CROW: [Carolyn] Mmmm, oats! > She had seen me packing the sandwiches while Legolas was > getting clothes. ALL: Aaaahhh! MIKE: Okay, she was doing it on purpose that time. TOM: Yes, author, thank you oh so much for reminding us of *that* wonderful scene... > "The old barn?" Legolas asked. CROW: [Legolas] The one with the sign in front that says "Keep Out, You Dang Smoochers?" > "My dad's boss has two > barns one he uses for the horses and chickens and the other houses > llamas. CROW: Oh, so he's a SimFarm programmer... MIKE: And I'll bet the import tariffs were a bugger! TOM: I see Crystal isn't content having every *stuffed* animal in her fantasy world. Noooo, she has to have every *real* animal, too! > The old barn has some really nice land around it TOM: [Crystal] ...perfect for burying the bodies... > so we always go > for picnics there." I answered "it would take us about ten minutes to > get there because we have to go back to the new barn, I didn't bring our > lunches along." MIKE: Be prepared? Surely you jest! > "That's fine CROW: [Legolas] ...if you're stupid... > with me" Legolas said for he was getting > hungry. "Great let's go" Carolyn said turning Tonto around and starting > to trot away. TOM: The breath-taking lunch discussion scene. MIKE: Sheer artistry, yessir. > Legolas and I followed but soon enough Frenchy was in the > front again, she being the fastest horse, TOM: [Crystal] That, and my L33T riding skilz! CROW: Yes, author, you've adequately proven this, now stop with the bragging... GRRR... > I kept having to pull her back > to a walk. Finally gave up fighting with her CROW: And she apparently gave up on complete sentences too. TOM: Her English and her Spanish seem to both be of equal quality... > "I'm going on ahead it's no > use fighting with Frenchy CROW: [Crystal] I mean, she might turn my hair pink or something. > she's just going to get more tired this way. > I'll meet you back at the barn." I said letting Frenchy go at her own > pace, she chose CROW: To surrender on the spot. > a fast trot. TOM: [Ash] Fast Trot! I choose you! MIKE: [ditto] Fast Trot, unleash your run-like-hell attack now! > We reached the barn within a few minutes so > I tied Frenchy up and went to get our lunches I found them in the > fridge. TOM: The fridge? She's got a fridge in her SADDLE BAGS? MIKE: Wow, it looks like Destinygurl is getting as lost in the narrative as we are! > Along with the pop we picked up earlier I put all that stuff > into my saddlebags. MIKE: [Crystal] By the time we stopped, I was carrying soda grenades! > By this time Legolas and Carolyn had got back. I got > out our picnic blanket and strapped it to Carolyn's ALL: [At once] *COUGH!* SPUTTER! AHEM! > saddle CROW: I'm not sure that's much better... TOM: [Carolyn] Great, so I'm nothing more than a mindless pack animal to you? MIKE: Well, she *is* just the sidekick, you know. > then I > mounted Frenchy CROW: Definitely not touching that one. MIKE: Stop...wha? Why praytell not? CROW: Two double entendres is more than even I can handle. > and we left. We went through the fields instead of going > around on the road MIKE: [Crystal] ...as it pads the fic... > it is a nicer ride. TOM: That and the fact not riding on the road reduces their chances of being hit by stray semi's at least 83%. MIKE: Still, it brings a 45% increase in their chances of being ground up by farm machinery. 99.9% for Legolas. CROW: [Legolas] Hey, what's that big thing coming towards us? TOM: [Carolyn] No, Legolas, that's a tractor! CROW: [Legolas] AHHHHH! MIKE: [Carolyn] Ha ha ha, that's so funny, watching him getting ground up by tractor wheels! > When we got to the old barn I > went to take care of the horses while Carolyn and Legolas got the food > set up. MIKE: [Emeril] So let's take this intense food preparation action... and *KICK IT UP A NOTCH*! BOTS: Woooooo-hoooo! > I got the horses water BOTS: *BAM!* > and fed the llamas as well. BOTS: *BAM!* > After tending > to the animals BOTS: *BAM!* MIKE: Will you guys just cut it out! > we all sat down on the blanket under a tree. CROW: And the sky immediately opened up! > I passed out > the pop CROW: Damn Northerners and their pops and their bubblers... MIKE: Hey! > and the peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Legolas looked at his > sandwich suspiciously. MIKE: [Legolas] Does this one have a mousetrap in it, too? > (It got a little squished and looked kinda gross) TOM: [Legolas] Wait, is that arsenic? CROW: [Carolyn] Crystal, you laced his sandwich! MIKE: [Crystal] Awww, but it would have been so funny to watch him writhe in agony as his organs slowly melted! > "Don't let the appearance fool you CROW: [Crystal] That's not actually a sandwich.... > it's actually quite good." CROW: [Crystal] Of course, we ran out of PB&J on yours, so we had to use apple butter and petroleum jelly. MIKE: [twitching] Yes, that's right, Crystal, go and give the worst sandwich to the elf *royalty*... not that he cares or anything, it's not as though he has feelings, and he can't, y'know, disembowel you with barely a thought or anything. > I said > taking a bite out of mine. fffft! TOM: Looks like Crystal got the peanut butter and *bean* sandwich there. CROW: [Crystal] Legolas, did you just fart? MIKE: [Legolas] You smelt it, you dealt it, man. > Carolyn's pop exploded CROW: [Carolyn] Dad, no!!! TOM: So that's what happened to all the parents in this story. MIKE: Eww... CROW: [Carolyn] Oh dear! I got pop all over you, Legolas! Let me tongue-bathe you clean! MIKE: Gah! Unclean! Unclean! Wrong! So wrong! Aaauuugghh! CROW: Hee hee. > "nobody open > the pop for a while CROW: Man! When they say "once you pop, you can't stop", they're dead serious! > I think they got a little shook up on the ride > over" she said holding the can an arms length away like a bomb. CROW: [Prince Regent] Anarchist! TOM: [Baldrick] Cleaner! CROW: [Prince Regent] Well you may need a wash; but that's no excuse, die! [CROW [Prince Regent] begins choking Tom [Baldrick].] MIKE: [Edmund Blackadder] Sir, that is Baldrick, spring cleaning. CROW: [Prince Regent] Rubbish! Look! He's got a bomb! MIKE: [Edmund Blackadder] It's not a bomb, sir, it's a sponge. CROW: [Prince Regent] Ah, I see, so it is. Well, get it out of here before it explodes! MIKE: [Edmund Blackadder] Finish the job later, Baldrick. TOM: [Baldrick] Very well, sir. The cleaning or the being strangled? MIKE: [Edmund Blackadder] Either suits me. CROW: The "Blackadder the Third" sketch, ladies and gentlemen. [Disembodied applause is heard. All blink, look around, shrug, and go back to watching the fic.] > We all had a good laugh over that but once we stopped the conversation grew > serious. Legolas started MIKE: [Legolas] You do realize that this can only end with you girls in bloody pieces, right? > "Going riding like this makes me think of home > and as much as I like this place, MIKE: [Legolas] With its self-absorbed teenagers, strange libations, and songs about drunks and highwaymen... > I have to go back." CROW: [Legolas] I miss my girlfrend, Gimli. TOM: [Crystal] But if you leave, who will I torment?! > My face fell, I > knew that this was coming but I kept trying to CROW: Hold it in place...stupid staples... > put it off. "I know" > Carolyn said sadly she too had been trying to avoid this subject. "But > can't you stay any longer ...maybe even a week or two?" I asked giving > him the puppy dog eyes. MIKE: She says this like she KNOWS how to return him. TOM: Errrrrgggghhhh!!! Again with the frigging puppy dog eyes! Grow up! > "I really need to go home." He said. TOM: I agree, Legolas. Fighting nasty trolls *is* more fun than this. > But we both pled with him and he agreed to stay for 10 days but no longer. TOM: [Legolas] Not like I'm on a quest to destroy ultimate evil or anything... MIKE: [Crystal] ... TOM: [Legolas] Sure, Merry and Pippin could be orc food by now, but hey, you guys have Nintendo 64! And record players! And *sugar*! MIKE: [Crystal] ... TOM: [Legolas] You know, you could take a moment and talk about *my* needs, don't you think? What about *me*? The world does not revolve around you, little Mary Sue girl! MIKE: [Crystal] ... TOM: [Legolas] I'll... go inside and... eat some Froot Loops or... something. *sigh* MIKE: [Crystal] ... > We sat > silently eating our sandwiches for a few minutes. "Do you have any ideas > on how to get me home?" Legolas asked breaking the silence. TOM: Can't you just Enjoy the Silence? CROW: Mike, turn him off. > "Honestly we > don't" I said truthfully CROW: [Legolas] Yeah? Then why are you hiding that Fictional Universe Teleportation Device behind your back? TOM: [Crystal] How'd that get there? CROW: [Legolas] A *receipt* for "Fictional Universe Teleporation Device" signed by Crystal. TOM: [Crystal] Honestly, it's not mine! CROW: A book: "Fictional Universe Teleporation Devices and Me: Returning Fictional Characters Mysteriously Transported into My Living Room to Their Own Universes Without Really Trying" by Crystal. MIKE: The Austin Powers sketch, ladies and gentlemen. > "You came during a power outage maybe you have > to leave during one too. TOM: [Legolas] Did you say your circuit breaker was just above the hide-a-bed or above the washing machine? > But power outages are rare here CROW: Unlike *some* places... *cough*California*cough*energycrisis*cough*... > the time you > came was the first one we had in 6 months." CROW: [Crystal] So neener neener neeeeeeeeeneeeerrrrr! MIKE: What, can't they just *make* one? TOM: After buttering up BC Hydro the way they just did, they'd *really* risk not having their lines not hooked up again. > He looked crestfallen at this statement. MIKE: [Legolas] Curse your reliable power supply! Where's a rolling blackout when you need it? TOM: Then why'd they bother agreeing to anything?! Does she really need more padding? CROW: The whole THING is padding... > Carolyn leaned over and gave Legolas a hug saying CROW: [Carolyn] You'll never leave! > "Don't worry we'll try as hard as we can to get you back A sap." "A sap?" > Legolas asked lightening the mood. MIKE: Yes, Legolas. It's a synonym for a Mary Sue character. CROW: Yes, Legolas. That's what you're becoming. TOM: Yes, Legolas. You'd have to be a sap to believe they'd actually let you leave! CROW: [Crystal] We're gonna ride you like a stud horse, elf boy! TOM: [announcer] Hurry, Legolas, hurry! You only have ten days left! >************************************** > > 8. We've Been Seen! CROW: And we're passing the savings on to you! TOM: Great. *Finally*, a plot. MIKE: I wouldn't get your hopes up just yet, Servo... > > Disclaimer: I don't own anything MIKE: [Destinygurl] --Except, of course, my laser turntable and my 1985 Nissan King Cab and my N64 and my blender and my propane barbecue and... > not Ryan, Joe, John, David, CROW: Or the rest of the Backstreet Boys. > Brian, CROW: Bwian! > Carolyn, Legolas (damn it), CROW: [Destinygurl] Damn it, *Why* can't he be my eternal pleasure slave? It's not fair! Not fair, I tell you! Marrissa got Jay when she was *5 whole years younger than me*, and *I* can't get so much as a single manslut? Why why why why why??? MIKE: Hmmm...that's odd. Wonder why Legolas wasn't listed first in the disclaimer? TOM: Maybe the story's really called "Ryan, Back to the Future"? > Stefan, the boat, the tube, the water skis, TOM: The horsie, the buggy, the three girls in lace... > oompa loompas, MIKE: o/~ Oompa loompa doopity doo, I've got a crappy fanfic for you... o/~ TOM: Oh God, no. CROW: Okay, it's official. Destinygurl is certifiable! > Fresco's, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Pita > Pizzazz, Starbucks, Star Wars Episode Two and any of it's characters, CROW: Which just makes it all the more annoying that she *did* manage to pick up Star Wars Episode Six *and* its characters at the Lucasfilm yard sale... but where's the fun in not having the complete set? > Canada Place, MIKE: Canada? This is set in Canada? TOM: Well, that explains an awful lot... CROW: If Troy and Rowsdower show up, I'm *so* out of here... TOM: Actually, I think Troy and Rowsdower would be an improvement. > Waterfront, CROW: [Marlon Brando] I coulda been a contender! > the skytrain, Imax theatre, Bear Creek Park MIKE: What the...they copyrighted a PARK? TOM: Yea, I hear they're talking to Spike Lee's lawyers to prevent unauthorized infringement on their copyright of the word "bear." > and anything else I forgot, CROW: [Destinygurl] I do, in fact, own. > I only own myself. TOM: That's not what your credit card statement says, Missy! > By the way the jokes > belong to whoever said them first. TOM: [Destinygurl] Do what? Create my *own* jokes? Why, I'll have you killed for your insolence! MIKE: So who owns "Why did the chicken cross the road"? CROW: Urg the Caveman, deceased 1 million B.C. > And most of these jokes are taken > from real events; CROW: The punchlines have been changed to protect the innocent. > they are actually said by the people who said them in > the story I've made sure of it. [All have a moment of silence.] MIKE: So they really ARE this stupid. [Another moment of silence before the bots break into sobs and latch onto Mike] CROW: M-m-m-m-m-mike, I'm scared! It was bad enough that Oscar and Gonterman wrote all their crap, but at least none of that stuff really happened! TOM: But the clothes, the laser record players, the stupid spatulas...Mike, this isn't happening! Please, Miiiiiike, boost our sagging confidences... MIKE: [holds the bots closely, his voice breaking] I wish I could...but I'm too petrified. [The bots cry for a few more moments to get it all out of their system. Suddenly, they look at Mike in horror and shriek disgusted cries.] CROW: AHHHHH! I just touched Mike! TOM: Ick, ick, ick, somebody get me a Lysol or burn me or something, I need decontamination! CROW: Gypsy, draw me an acid bath, hurry! MIKE: [resentful] Glad you've gotten over it. > > > > Please Review PLEASE!!!!!!!!! This is my first fic so I really want > reviews. MIKE: No, Destiny... you really don't... trust us! CROW: You don't want *our* reviews, sister! TOM: Be careful what you wish for, girlie. > > > > That evening we decided to save the burgers for another night and treat > Legolas to one of the best things in our culture. MIKE: The symphony orchestra? TOM: The full-color printing press? CROW: No, no, morons, hot girl on girl action! Duh! [silence] TOM: You wanna hurt him, or should I? > Pizza! CROW: So they took the Western Culture class taught by the Ninja Turtles. MIKE: If that's the best thing in our culture, we are so doomed as a race. TOM: Boy, are we lucky this isn't one of those "judge-our-civilization" deals. > "What do you > like that's on this list?" Carolyn asked Legolas showing him the > toppings on the delivery menu. TOM: [Carolyn] Believe me, they taste much better when they're actually on pizza. > "I don't know what half of these things are" CROW: [Legolas] I mean..."feces", "transmission fluid", "rocky mountain oysters", "coughed-up monkey blood"? What the blithering hell is this stuff? MIKE: [Carolyn] Ah, it all tastes the same at Chuck E. Cheese anyway. > he answered, "I mean what in Middle-Earth is a pineapple?" TOM: [Legolas] Last time I ate a strange fruit, I had to spend six months in the underworld... man, was that dull. > "Actually I don't think there are pineapples in Middle-Earth." I said in > the dry humour TOM: What, humour?! Where? CROW: I missed it, too. Darn. > that's characteristic of my family. [All snicker.] MIKE: It must skip a generation. TOM: Thanks for explaining. Now we know who to blame. > Legolas just glared > at me and continued. TOM: [Legolas] As I was *saying*...human--sever spinal column, third vertebra, death is immediate. MIKE: Wow, dark. > "I know what a pine is and I know what apples are > but one is a tree and the other's a fruit." CROW: Like Treebeard and Haldir? TOM: And what strange and mystic land is this where fruit and trees are magically linked? MIKE: Look, it's not pinecone pizza if that's what you're worried about. > I could see he was getting > frustrated MIKE: Wow, maple syrup must make smoke come out of his ears. CROW: [Legolas] A pine! An apple! Legolas confused! LEGOLAS KILL!!! > so I stepped in, TOM: [Crystal] Mmmm...gonna haveta put you down. > "I think we'll just order our usual and you > can pick off the toppings that you don't like." CROW: So you ended up with cheese then? > That seemed to settle > the matter and half an hour later we were eating a large meat lovers CROW: [Legolas] I suppose it's too late to tell you I'm a vegetarian...? > with pineapple MIKE: I think I speak for the vast majority of the audience when I say, "EWWW!" > and teaching Legolas how to use the computer. MIKE: Ugh--after that meal, you should teach him how to use the Rolaids and the Pepto. TOM: [Crystal] This, this is "Internet Explorer". Now just go to a "website"... let's try www.fanfiction.net... CROW: [Legolas] Um, Crystal? What does "This program has performed an illegal operation" mean? TOM: [Crystal] Aaarrrgghhhh! Stupid internet! Crystal bitchslap! Wah! > "So you > just press down on this, what's this called?" MIKE: It's called Control-Alt-Delete! BOTS: Hit it! Hit it now! > "It's a keyboard Legolas, > a keyboard." CROW: [Legolas] A *keyboard*. How *quaint*. MIKE: [Fred Rogers] Can you say... keyboard? You can? I knew you could! > I answered not really paying attention. MIKE: [Crystal] Mmm...elf, Middle-earth. So what? > (Actually I was > practicing my piano TOM: So... Have we been thoroughly pummeled with her L33Tness, yet? CROW: Oh, hell no! She still has to fend of the gang of muggers attacking Legolas, teach him to speak Japanese, *AND* play matchmaker between Carolyn and the cute guy at the video store! > that is right next to the computer.) MIKE: So now we have a multi-chapter floor plan? CROW: [Carolyn] Keep at it, Crystal. You'll master "Chopsticks" maybe next year! TOM: [Crystal] I finally know what middle C is, so shut it! > "Ok so you just > press down on the keyboard and letters appear up here." MIKE: [Crystal] No, I press down on the keyboard and musical notes come out of here... oh, you mean *that* keyboard! > Legolas finished pointing at the monitor. TOM: Technology! Building a brighter tomorrow for you and me! CROW: [Legolas] What's this folder called "Orlando Bloom Porn"? MIKE: [Crystal] ... > "Ya'know what" I said looking up from my > playing, "we should take you to see the sights of our world while you're > here." CROW: [Crystal] There's the Denny's on Hampton Street, and Mrs. Vanderschmidt's one-legged dog.... MIKE: Try to teach the guy anything? Screw it! My whims are much more important! > "That's a great idea" Carolyn said happily, MIKE: Crystal needs her recommended daily dose of praise, or she gets cranky. > "tomorrow lets take > him to crescent beach." MIKE: David Hasselhoff is Legolas Greenleaf in "The Two Towers of Baywatch". CROW: Ah, Pamela Lee must make her triumphant return in that one. [Mike grumbles.] > I was starting to get really excited, CROW: Well, it's about damn time! The elf prince has been here for what, three days? > "Yeah, > sounds good Carolyn. Legolas we're going to the ocean where you can swim > and get really good ice-cream." TOM: [Crystal] We'll drag the last of that ol' dignity right out of you! MIKE: [Legolas] Ice cream comes from the ocean? What kind of wacked-out dimension is this? > "Great even though I only understood two > words in your sentence, ocean and swim, TOM: [Legolas] ...I think I'm doing pretty good, especially since I only speak Sindarin and Westron. > sounds like fun anyway." MIKE: It's like he's trapped in my high school Spanish class. CROW: [unintelligible]...rico suave! TOM: [Legolas, sarcastically] And what of these other words: "really", "get", "you", "can"? Is this Dwarvish? > Legolas said with a small smile. MIKE: [Legolas] God! Did I leave my brains in Middle-earth? I'm such a doorknob here! TOM: So he didn't get "you"? He's kinda dense, huh? MIKE: The handsome ones always are. CROW: Are those sour grapes I hear? > > > > The next morning we went to the mall as soon as it opened to get > Legolas some swim trunks, TOM: Legolas! You're not supposed to change into them on the escalator! CROW: What, not a Speedo? These girls are missing one wonderful opportunity after another. "Hey, Legolas, this is what all the studs are wearing to the beach this year. Really." MIKE: Hmm... Legolas in a Speedo. File that one next to "thinking about baseball." > then headed to the beach. TOM: [Crystal] We hooked up with Frankie and Annette and had a big ol’ time! > We found a good > parking spot seeing as there was almost no one there. (It's a Thursday > morning). First we walked along the beach MIKE: Sessions presents: Barry Manilow! CROW: o/~ Oh, Mandy! o/~ MIKE: David Soul! TOM: o/~ Don't give up on us baby! o/~ MIKE: Climax! BOTS: o/~ Precious and few are the moments we two can share! o/~ MIKE: And many more! > trying to find a good place to > set up 'camp' after about fifteen minutes we found the perfect place CROW: [Crystal] Hell! > it was not too far from everything (shops and food places) but not too > close. It was surrounded by almost a grove of driftwood TOM: Can someone kindly explain how something could be 'almost a grove'? MIKE: Ah, I see Crystal's got approximate metaphysics down to a science. > so we were > protected from the wind. MIKE: Sheesh! Are they planning on spending his whole ten-day stay right here? > We started our day at the beach with MIKE: ...INTENSE BEACH BLANKET ACTION! > kite flying, poor Legolas his kite didn't seem to want to stay in the air MIKE: Good grief. CROW: [Crystal] Let me guess... "this has never happened to you before", right? TOM: [Legolas] ... > so we took turns with the good kites. After that we got hot dogs and ice > cream for lunch. CROW: Ack... so easy... so horribly, jaw-droppingly easy... TOM: Hmmm... wonder what mustard tastes like as an ice cream topping. > Legolas loved the ice cream. (He got bubble gum) TOM: Bubble gum ice cream. Meat Lover's pizza with pineapples! You people are freaks! CROW: What? No long, drawn-out segment of Crystal explaining it to Legolas? MIKE: Don't taunt her. > Around one we decided to go for a swim. MIKE: o/~ Danger's in our soul, we goin' outta control, swimming right after a big heavy meal! o/~ > So we got changed in the public change > rooms. TOM: [Carolyn] EEEEK! Legolas, wrong room! CROW: [Crystal] Well, it looks like he's not Prince of the Bedroom, that's for sure... > "Race ya to the water" Carolyn yelled we all took off I dove in > head first, MIKE: This is a *beach,* Crystal, not a swimming pool-- BOTS: THUD! MIKE: Never mind. > Carolyn walked in a little slower but Legolas took one step > in and shouted "HOLY ELBERETH THAT'S COLD" TOM: *Bwarrrrp* Legolas Greenleaf, you are fined one credit for violation of the verbal morality statute... > and refused to go any > further. CROW: [Legolas] It fwoze my widdle piggies. > "Oh come on you big baby Carolyn said MIKE: Sweet baby Carolyn! > pulling him in waist > deep. He slowly walked a little deeper until the water was up to his > chest. MIKE: All the better to hide his shame! TOM: "Elvish shrinkage..." That can't be a pretty sight! > I took my chance and slowly swam up to Legolas underwater CROW: Whoa, fanfic! Where are you going with this-- > popping up right behind him CROW: Are we still trying to keep things PG-13? MIKE: Yep! CROW: Well there goes every riff I had... TOM: Mike, this isn't fair! I mean, come on, *you* were thinking the same thing! I know it! How are we supposed to riff with you-- MIKE: --shut up. > I dunked him. [All breathe a relieved sigh.] TOM: Whew! Just more silly nonsense. MIKE: I think we all live in fear this fic will suddenly turn lemon. > Coming up sputtering Legolas turned > around to CROW: [Crystal] ...fillet me like a freshly-caught mutated sea bass... > do the same to me TOM: [Crystal] Legolas? Blub blub you're only supposed blub blub to hold me under blub blub for half a second blub, not half an hour...aaaaacccckkkk gaaaack gaaaaaack!!! > but I dove into a wave swimming a to safe > distance of about ten feet CROW: [Crystal] His superior elvish strength being no match for my Aura of Smooth! Mwa! I mean, *obviously* I can swim faster than lithe, graceful semi-divine princes of nature. What are you trying to say?! > away so he turned to Carolyn who he thought > had to have a play in this. She was unprepared as he started towards her > and dunked her. MIKE: [Legolas] Phew, one fangirl down, one to go! > She came up yelling CROW: [Carolyn] I GOT WATER IN MY LUNGS, ACK! *COUGH!* > "YOUR SO DEAD GREENLEAF!!!" TOM: [Legolas] I'll bring out my just plain dead if that'll help... CROW: [Legolas, confused] If my greenleaf is dead, how is it green? > That started our big water fight. CROW: Frenchy immediately filed protest with the UN. > An hour later we came out of the water > very wet MIKE: Destinygurl's power of Obvious is reaching Troi-like levels. CROW: Fanboy. > and tired, TOM: And pruney. > we sat on our blanket and played cards then we walked > along the beach. TOM: [Crystal] Carolyn...get a clue. Ird-thay eel-whay. Am-scray... CROW: Sessions presents: Billy Jacks! MIKE: o/~ We had joy, we had fun. We had seasons in the sun! o/~ CROW: Air Supply! TOM: o/~ Even the nights are better o/~ CROW: America! MIKE: o/~ I been through the desert on a horse with no name o/~ CROW: And many more! > At five we decided to pack up and go for dinner, we sat > at a caf right on the beach MIKE: And dug right in. Nothing like raw veal right off the bone. > and made Legolas try fish and chips. CROW: God, you people are boring! > Surprisingly he liked them. TOM: Then they made him try spotted dick. > Once it got dark we went home. "So Legolas > how did you like your day at the beach?" TOM: [Legolas] It was the ginchiest! MIKE: Well, it wasn't no day at the bea-- CROW: No, honey. > I asked as we drove home. "It > was great I liked the ice cream." He answered. CROW: [Legolas] Oh, and the part where I held your head underwater and watched you struggle helplessly for breath. > "They have some of the > best ice cream there," Carolyn said. "We should take you to Baskin > Robbins" TOM: First the ocean, *then* Baskin Robbins! Ol' Crystal sure knows the sites to see in...well, wherever they are. > I said knowing Legolas would like it, CROW: Aw, screw them, Legolas. Ben & Jerry's is the way to go! TOM: Don't be ridiculous...why would they... > "they have even better > ice cream." TOM: --Oh. Yeah. Never mind. MIKE: You freaky psychic robots you. > Once we got home I turned on the TV not really watching and > talked about what we were doing tomorrow. "We are going to Cultus Lake > with MIKE: [Crystal] ...my friends, Jim Jones, David Koresh, and Sun Myung Moon. CROW: [Crystal] And just wait until you meet Torgo! > my youth group." MIKE: The Raelians! TOM: [Crystal] With their help, we'll clone Legolas, and sell him to fangirls all around the world. We'll be millionaires! > I told Legolas. CROW: [Crystal, cheerful] I control your every move, slave. > "Are we actually going to this, it > could be a problem with all those people." Carolyn said worriedly. CROW: [Carolyn] Is a place called "Cultus" Lake *really* the best place to take a "youth group?" TOM: [Crystal] We'll have human sacrifices and everything! It'll be sooo cool. > "I'm not going to miss this, I promised to bring the boat and tube and water > skis. CROW: [Crystal] And the "special" Kool-Aid! MIKE: [Carolyn] But Crystal, what if he goes on another wild killing spree? TOM: [Crystal] But...but..waterskiing! > We'll just keep to our group of friends, TOM: Famous last words.... MIKE: Wait, wait, you have friends? > it's a good thing > Catherine is not coming she's obsessed with you, Legolas" MIKE: [Carolyn] *cough*POT*cough*KETTLE*cough... TOM: What, are there no Aragorn fans in their little clique? CROW: Meanwhile, somewhere in Middle-earth, Gimli cries himself to sleep, because no teenage girls have based their obsessive fandom on *him*... > I said "Yeah" > Carolyn said relived. "All right I'll just explain my friends so you'll > know what to expect." ALL: o/~ If you wanna be my lover/You gotta get with my friends... o/~ > I said this was going to be interesting "ok so you > know John already, then there's David he's kinda quiet so you don't have > to worry about him. MIKE: [Crystal] Just don't say 'Waco' or 'Janet Reno' around him. > Now there's Ryan he's....... well......um....... MIKE: Robbing the ellipsis storehouse? CROW: [Duke Togo] ... > interesting" MIKE: [muttering] Makes one of you... > "Good word for him" Carolyn praised. TOM: Daily dose, right there. > "He's very loud and tends to run > into thing and fall over for no reason, TOM: Precisely how is he 'interesting'? CROW: [Carolyn] I think he's taking those Jerry Lewis lessons a bit too far. MIKE: It's just like my aunt always said: you can pick your fictional companions, but you can't pick your friends. > when you're with him don't > mention Oompa loompas or your going to get an earful." ALL: EEEWWW!!! TOM: Ummm...Oompa-Loompas? MIKE: I think we read that right. TOM: I'd cry but this thing has sucked out every last piece of my soul to the point where I no longer feel emotion to cry. CROW: My eyes are starting to rust, actually. > (Ryan has a thing > with Oompa loompas ALL: Eeeeeeewwwwwww!!! CROW: I'm not *even* going to go *there*... > he thinks they're trying to take over the world, ALL: Whew! CROW: See? I told you, you nonbelievers! I am not alone! TOM: Shut up. > he blames everything on them). TOM: [Carolyn] Of course, Ryan thinks LSD makes a great dipping sauce. > "Oompa loompas?" Legolas asked. Now I had > gone and done it I had to explain oompa loompas to Legolas. MIKE: Umm... No you don't. > > "Never mind just don't mention them." MIKE: See? Wasn't that easy? > I finished, "Then there's Stefan CROW: He's the manliest of the bunch... > he the one we > all pick on but it's just in fun and lastly there's Joe he's kind of a > skater boy TOM: [Avril Lavigne] o/~ He's just a boy, I'm just a girl... o/~ CROW: Hey, don't you mean 'sk8r b0i'? MIKE: How do you *do* that? > but he's very sweet." MIKE: Ah, womanspeak for "I'll never date this clown". CROW: Personal experience? MIKE: Shut up! CROW: Viiirgiiin... MIKE: Shut *up*! Shut up! Shutupshutupshutup! Aaarrgghhh! > > > TOM: Wow, they've got their very own Fellowship going here! CROW: Of the *Onion* Ring, maybe... > > > Disclaimer: I don't own anything not Ryan, Joe, John, David, Brian, TOM: [Destinygurl] But together, they form... VOLTRON! CROW: The disclaimer so nice, she included it twice! MIKE: On your marks, let's start...oh, never mind! > Carolyn, Legolas (damn it), Stefan, the boat, the tube, the water skis, > oompa loompas, MIKE: Willy Wonka has title to *them.* TOM: He doesn't *own* them, Mike! He pays them all the cacao beans they can eat! > Fresco's, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Pita > Pizzazz, Starbucks, Star Wars Episode Two and any of it's characters, MIKE: ...So Crystal owns everything from Lord of the Rings except that which she most covets? Harsh. CROW: Peter Jackson may sell things off by the piece, but ol' George *insists* on your buying the total package! > Canada Place, Waterfront, the skytrain, Imax theatre, TOM: [sarcastically] Since it's the only one ever? > Bear Creek Park > and anything else I forgot, I only own myself. CROW: [Destinygurl] I don't even own this story. I traded it to Carolyn for a shiny marble she had. MIKE: This is threatening to turn into a distaff Undocumented Features. TOM: Say... if this story is "Legolas, Back to the Future," then shouldn't Marty McFly and Doc Brown have been in that list? > By the way the jokes TOM: Oh, I doubt that... > belong to whoever said them first. And most of these jokes are taken > from real events; TOM: The names have been changed to protect the stupid. > they are actually said by the people who said them in > the story I've made sure of it. > MIKE: I have this inexplicable feeling of deja vu... um, does this look familiar to anybody? CROW: Oh my GOD! Chapter Eight's staring over again!!! Will this never end?!?! TOM: We've been sucked into a never-ending temporal causality loop... just like on TV! MIKE: Crow, are you *sure* you turned off your space-time dimensional thing? CROW: Well, yes... in a way that means no... MIKE: *sigh* We'd better go and see what the problem is... let's get out of here, you guys... [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge. Gypsy is watching a movie on the space-time dimensional thing. Mike, Tom and Crow rush out of the theater frantically.] MIKE: Gypsy, don't touch that machine! You'll wreck the space-time continuum! GYPSY: Guys, I am *trying* to watch a movie here... MIKE: Gypsy, you don't understand... that TV is hooked up to a very volatile and powerful space-time gizmo that warps reality into its own twisted image! GYPSY: Ahem... I'm getting to the best part here! It's so hard to watch movies when you're being interrupted, especially if you're maintaining all the ship's vital functions at the same time! MIKE: But... it... don't you remember the last time? We put in "Lord of the Rings" and trees starting growing everywhere, and Tom and Crow turned into bad hobbit stereotypes and you turned into an elf princess? GYPSY: You mean I'm not an elf princess? MIKE: *sigh* Gyps, why don't you watch TV in my room? I've got "Mansion of the Doomed" on DVD! GYPSY: I slave all day to keep you boys from burning up in Earth's atmosphere, and what thanks do I get? Sheesh! Just see if I let *you* into my initial public offering! [slinks off in a huff] CROW: Gee... touchy... what was she watching, anyway? TOM: Hmmm... looks like "E.T."... right about the scene where the cops and scientists bust into the house looking for the kids... CROW: Say... maybe the gizmo will bring us Drew Barrymore this time! Hoo-hoo! MIKE: Crow, that's disgusting, even for you. She was six years old in this movie! CROW: Exactly, Mike! She was such an adorable little thing back then! Just think of all the fun we'd have burying her in stuffed animals, startling her with sudden movements, or even playing dollies and dress-up! MIKE: Um... I don't think I want to know. Plus, we kind of have a JOB TO DO? Like turning off this darn thingamajigger so reality will go back to normal or something? TOM: Awwww, Mike, they're just about to get to the best part! CROW: [tugging on the on-off switch] Plus... it seems... to be... stuck... MIKE: Well, then.... um... [picks up a rolled-up magazine] hit it with this copy of "Guns and--" [the magazine suddenly transforms into a walkie- talkie] Ammo...? TOM: Now, there's something you don't see every day. MIKE: [Tosses walkie-talkie, and picks up a toy gun] Well, how about this? [Toy gun turns into a walkie-talkie] Huh? [Picks up a Rush Limbaugh book] Or this? [Book turns into a walkie-talkie] What the heck? [Picks up a Playboy magazine and it turns into, well, you guessed it...] CROW: NOOOOOOO!!! My rare limited-edition copy with Pamela Anderson Lee! Of course I've collected it just for the articles, but NOOOOO!!!! MIKE: So everything even vaguely offensive or threatening is being turned into a walkie-talkie? TOM: I should have known. We're watching the "E.T." Special Edition... MIKE: And hey, my copy of Tom Clancy's latest book just turned into a walkie- talkie, and then disappeared! Probably because it had both guns *and* terrorists in it... CROW: [crying, irate] Spielburg, how could you? First you needlessly censor your own movie, and now this??!?!? Must you inflict your politically- correct sensibilities on the whole *universe* now? Here's what I think about your so-called "Special Edition--" [Crow attempts to flip off the TV but his entire hand suddenly turns into a walkie-talkie.] AAAAUGH!!! TOM: Gee whiz, Crow! Holy shi-- [But before Tom could finish his explitive, Tom himself turns into a large walkie-talkie.] MIKE: Servo! TOM: It's okay, Mike! Being a walkie-talkie is kind of fun! [staticky walkie-talkie voice] Breaker Breaker 409. I've got smokies on my tail, over! CROW: That's CB slang, not walkie-talkie slang! TOM: Eh, what do you know? CROW: Cinus suprimus! TOM: Zero charisma! CROW: Cinus suprimus! TOM: Zero charisma! CROW: Cinus suprimus! TOM: Zero charisma! [Movie sign flashes, and the klaxons blare. Tom and Crow are oblivious in their shouting.] MIKE: Oh great, and now we've got fanfic sign! [Picks up Tom] Urgh... give it a break, you guys... [pushes the machine's off switch on his way out] [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] [Theater. With the machine turned off, Tom and Crow slowly return to normal.] CROW: Man, that was weird and a half... TOM: At least I still have my proboscis! *tweet* > > > The next morning we got up early and hooked the boat to the truck CROW: Sadly, they forgot to attach it to wheels and it dragged on the road until the bottom wore away... > then > at 9:00am we met everyone at Bear Creek Park. I quickly got my friends > away from the crowd and show Legolas to them CROW: [first-grader] Today...for Show-&-Tell? I brang in my pet elf Leggie? He's my favorite toy ever! TOM: *SIGH!* "Discreet" describes these people as well as "Mutant Superhero" does! > and there was complete > silence (even from Ryan) TOM: [Random kid] I never thought anyone could seep so far into their own delusions... MIKE: [Ryan] And I'm supposed to be the crazy one. > "How did he get here?" Joe asked. CROW: [TV announcer] The techno-babble teleporter...solve all your plot problems with space age technology, only $1 zillion plus negative two zillion shipping and handling! > "He just > appeared." I answered. "Is he real?" Stefan asked puzzled. MIKE: [Crystal] No, he isn't real, moron. Come on! > "OF COURSE HE'S REAL!!" I yelled CROW: [Crystal] Have you forgotten my brain hemorrhage? > but then I calmed down MIKE: [Crystal] After taking my medication... > "I'm sorry I've just become > friends with him so I have to defend him." MIKE: Legolas being much too stupid to do it himself. TOM: [Crystal] How *dare* you ask if my imaginary friend is real! > "It's ok" Stefan answered. MIKE: [Stefan] I'm German. > "Why is everyone talking about me as if I'm not here?" Legolas > questioned his eyes flashing. TOM: He's a Super-Seizure Fighting Robot. MIKE: And Legolas is complaining? CROW: [Legolas] Do you know how many Uruk-hai have died on my blades? > "Sorry Legolas it's just shocking for them > to see you, they thought you were just a fictional character before > this." MIKE: But since the author likes him, you can all suck eggs! CROW: Oh, my god, I just thought... TOM: What? CROW: What if... What if Legolas gets hold of a copy of Lord of the Rings? Would the book even be different? What would happen! MIKE: Ouch! Brain hemorrhage! *Major* brain hemorrhage! Aaagghhh! > Carolyn said. "All right Legolas this is Ryan, John, David, Joe > and Stefan MIKE: And together, they form Voltron! TOM: Geez... and you bitch at me for repeat riffing? MIKE: What? That wasn't a rep...oh, give it a rest, Servo! > everybody this is Legolas Greenleaf CROW: ...of the Vanderbilt Greenleaves... > of Mirkwood. MIKE: [Crystal] He's a motivational speaker. CROW: [Legolas] I live in a *tree* DOWN BY THE RIVER! TOM: And he's an alcoholic. ALL: Hi, Legolas. CROW: Didn't we already do that gag? TOM: So? Still works! > I need your > help concealing him from everybody today. CROW: [Crystal] So if anyone asks, he came here in a power outage! Got it? MIKE: Of course, since he's out in the open, and he's new to the little youth group thing and whatnot, that might be a trick, huh? > "Right" Said David, "we can do > that." "K guys time to go" TOM: c u al l8r!1!1!11!! MIKE: Damn you all, I *will* crack the code one day... > Brian (one of the youth leaders) called. "I > can take 3 more people," I said. ALL: Whoa! CROW: I got whiplash from that topic shift! I'll sue! TOM: Can you say "non sequitur"? > (I had installed a seat in the bed (back) > of the truck). TOM: Hamdinger says she cut and pasted that right out of thesaurus.com! MIKE: The proceeding text exists for the benefit of those too stupid to know what the back of a truck is, which would include most of this fic's target audience. BOTS: ZING! > Ryan, David and John came with me. (Also Carolyn > and Legolas) TOM: And Trixie. And Lu-lu, and Fifi, and Rosita-chita...whatever her name is! CROW: Wow. The handsome object of fan girl affections has just been relegated to background status for three non-descript, run-of-the-mill high school students. MIKE: Boggles the mind. > They spent a good part of the hour and a half drive asking > Legolas questions. MIKE: Yeah, like, "How is it that you haven't killed Crystal yet?" CROW: And, "Pleezsir, help us escape the fanfic!" TOM: Wait, wait! She didn't tell us exactly how *the other people* are getting to the lake! The whole story hinges on that! > "Are there oompa loompas in Middle-Earth?" Ryan asked CROW: [Legolas] There were... [more ominous] ...they're dead now! Vwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! TOM: [Legolas] But we *do* have some goblins with bad tans... > and before I could stop him Legolas asked what they were. Half an hour > later Ryan was still explaining what oompa loompas were CROW: What's there to explain?! Small, hairy, turn people into grapes. Next! TOM: Man, he talks *slow*! MIKE: [*very slowly*] Ttttttthhhhhhheeeeeeyyyyyyyy........aaaarrrreeee....... oooorrrraaaannngggeee.... > so I turned up > the radio really loud hoping he would TOM: ...pass out silently under the plastic sheet we put him under. Unfortunately he asphyxiated. So we buried the body in the foundation of a newly-built house and had to live with what we had done. Two years later, the ghost returned, and Adam killed himself. MIKE: Wow... ten points if you get *that* reference... > get the message and shut up, MIKE: As opposed to, say, asking him. TOM: [Crystal] I shalt not bestow dialogue upon so inferior a being! CROW: [Crystal] Plus the Backstreet Boys were on. > he did. "Ryan" I said MIKE: [Crystal] Too bad he couldn't hear me over the loud music! TOM: [Ryan] Aww man, did it have to be rap? > "Stop confusing Legolas you know there are no oompa > loompas in Middle-Earth just like there are no pineapples." TOM: Get it?!? JUST LIKE THERE ARE NO PINEAPPLES?! AHAHAHAHAHA--Mike, kill me. > Carolyn > laughed and Legolas glared at me. "Inside joke" Carolyn said answering > Ryan's questioning look. When we got to Cultus Lake MIKE: [Legolas] What do all those old signs say? CROW: [Crystal] Nothing! MIKE: [Legolas] "Welcome to Crystal Lake?" I thought this was "Cultus Lake." CROW: [Crystal] Nothing! It means nothing! LOOK, MOVE ON!!! > I drove to the > launch ramp to CROW: ...sacrifice Ryan to Isis. > put the boat in the water. Despite their best efforts > Legolas and Ryan were not helping (Ryan was goofing off and Legolas > didn't know what he was doing, MIKE: [Legolas] Oh God...water...water everywhere....AHHH! DUCKS! HELP ME! > one of them was going to end up falling > off the dock) TOM: Good grief! Did Legolas swap brains with Gilligan? > so I got out of the truck and pushed Ryan into the TOM: ...water, where he was promptly devoured by an alligator. MIKE: Awful dark there, Tom. TOM: This fic is slowly devouring my soul and I must strike back against it in any way I can. CROW: But just an alligator? TOM: [darkly, almost maniacal] That was for the extras. I have plotted a more... *personal* death for Crystal...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [Mike and Crow both scoot to the farthest part of their seats from Tom as possible.] > passenger seat where he had to stay for a while. CROW: [Crystal] And if you say anything more about Legolas' hair I swear I'll turn this truck right around! > Finally we got the boat > in the water, Carolyn drove the truck to the park and everyone else > (that was in my truck) went in the boat. (Ryan, John, Legolas and > David). TOM: Oh, thanks for that little reminder...DIE! > When we first got the boat (about five years ago) I was > terrified to drive it but now I was virtually fearless, MIKE: [Crystal] And my 320 safety citations prove it! > I was going > almost full speed. MIKE: Destroying precious eco-systems all the way. TOM: *THUMP, THUMP* CROW: [Crystal] Stupid manatees! Why are they always in my way?! > Legolas was freaking out CROW: They must have given him more coffee. TOM: Don't worry, Legolas. As long as you aren't the one jetskiing, you're all right. > he didn't like my 'reckless > driving' as he called it. "Awe come on Legolas lighten up." CROW: [Crystal] I haven't killed anyone in over a year! > I called to > him over the wind, he was quiet after that but still dug his fingers > into the seat every time I made a turn. We started off by going swimming > while Brian took people around in the tube. CROW: Whoa, fanfic! Where ya goin'? TOM: The fanfic's loose! It's jumping randomly forward in time! > But all too soon our peace > was disturbed; Brian came over and asked me to drive the boat. "Why?" I > asked puzzled. "Some people want to water ski and I'm not qualified to > drive a boat that fast." He answered. CROW: So an adult youth leader is not qualified to drive the speedboat, but a teenage girl *is*? TOM: Maybe Destiny's taking writing lessons from Stephen Ratliff. > "Ok I'll be along in a sec." I > said shooing him away. MIKE: [Crystal] I'm the boss of you, not the other way around! > "Legolas you can come out." CROW: [Legolas] Finally, I can tell Aragorn how I really feel! TOM: You're dead, Goldilocks! > Carolyn called, (He > had hid behind a dock), CROW: *Behind* the dock?! Is there room!? TOM: [Legolas] I'm a fish...I'm a fish...I'm a fish... MIKE: And here I thought Legolas was still in the boat. > and reluctantly I left. Half an hour later the > other people had finally finished with the boat and were swimming. Now > it was our turn with the boat first we went around in the tube and I > succeeded in everyone but John. MIKE: Err...what? > But then they ganged up and flipped me a > few times. CROW: And the proletariat rises up against their cruel oppressor! > Next we tried water skiing. MIKE: Using Legolas as a ramp. > Joe and Stefan managed to stay up > for a few minutes, TOM: [Stefan] Viagra, work your magic! > everyone got up for at least a few seconds, then it > was my turn, and I got John to CROW: I can't, can I Mike? MIKE: Good Crow. You're learning. > drive the boat. MIKE: [John] We're gonna need a bigger boat. > "HIT IT!" ALL: o/~ Da dun da dun dun dun! It's time to meet the Muppets... o/~ MIKE: I had sixteen showing on the table, but what the hell? > I yelled. I got > a questioning look from John. ALL: [John] DUUUH!!! > "Hit it is what water skiers say when > they're ready to go." Carolyn explained. TOM: Oh, now I see. It's not LEGOLAS that's that stupid, it's EVERYONE. CROW: C'mon... this "ignorance of modern idiom" gag was old when Mr. Data did it! Give us a break, already! > "Ok" John said understanding. TOM: Why would John say understanding? MIKE: It's just a missed comma, honey. > "HIT IT!" I yelled again. ALL: [Miss Piggy] Hiiiiiiiiiii yah!!! > He put the boat at medium speed. I was > ploughing water CROW: Yep, gonna grow a mighty fine crop of algae this year. > "Faster," I said, "Full speed." TOM: *THUMP, SQUISH!* CROW: [Crystal] Stupid dolphins, acting like they own the ocean! MIKE: Guys? Desist. CROW: Awww... > Once I got up I stayed > up for a good 8 minutes. TOM: Yes, but what's her Kobayashi Maru time? > After it got dark the youth split up our group > of friends went to Fresco's a tiny little 24 hour restaurant with very > good food and very big CROW: ...bra sizes. > portions. TOM: This is like an afterschool special on 'shrooms! > "So how did you like your day, > Legolas?" Stefan asked once we sat down with our food. "It was fun but I > still don't like CROW: Being relegated to the background? TOM: Having his character maimed beyond recognition? MIKE: Powerboats? > powerboats." MIKE: I win. Pay up. [Tom and Crow grumble.] > He answered. "I wish there was a lake > closer so that we could do this more often." David said wistfully. We > all agreed. MIKE: It's unanimous. HR1245772 "Build a lake near Crystal's house so she can use her boat whenever she wants" is approved. > Legolas had gotten teriyaki chicken at my request MIKE: Knowing Crystal, it was more of a demand at gunpoint! CROW: Well, Legolas doesn't really have free will, right? > (I want him to try as many dishes of our culture as possible) CROW: By giving him a dish of a different culture! MIKE: The irony is overwhelming. TOM: She has a point, Mike. Bastardized foreign food is definitely a staple of clueless white girl culture. > and he was happily > eating in silence when, low and behold, Ryan brought up oompa loompas > again. "I know how they keep this food so cheap" he said with a smile. TOM: They buy in bulk? > "How?" Joe asked. I knew where this was headed so I gave Ryan a warning > glance but it was too late he had already started. TOM: GASP! He does not shrink before her glare! CROW: What sort of being is he?! > "The oompa loompa > slaves make it." TOM: That new labor camp they installed in the chocolate factory makes things soooo much easier! CROW: Mike? MIKE: Yes, Crow? CROW: Is it okay for me to hate Ryan with all my robot soul? MIKE: Knock yourself out! > At this comment Legolas looked up "I still don't fully > understand the concept of oompa loompas and why they are so funny." TOM: That makes you a normal, well-adjusted person, Legolas. CROW: Ya know, before this story started, I would have wondered what Legolas' problem was. MIKE: Not now though? CROW: Now I'm not sure even *I* know what oompa loompas are! > Ryan opened his mouth to answer but I nudged him in the ribs, hard. TOM: [Crystal] I nodded in approval as his spleen flew out of his mouth. CROW: [Carolyn] Ewww, it landed on my shoes! > "Owww." He moaned, "What'd you do that for?" MIKE: [Crystal, mock menacingly] Your banal existence displeases me, foolish one! > "Legolas we will explain when we > get home." Carolyn said (we were not amused). MIKE: We *were,* however, channeling Queen Victoria. TOM: [Carolyn] (We were not amused). MIKE: Stop talking in punctuation! > -Sort of awkward but not > really silence- "There's that awkward silence again" Ryan said ~he was > always saying that even though most of the time it isn't awkward~ TOM: So is it awkward? MIKE: I don't think it's awkward. CROW: Then again, it seems to be leaning in the awkward direction. TOM: But still, it is not quite enough to be classified as awkward. MIKE: Perhaps more uncomfortable than awkward? > "So we were thinking of going to downtown Vancouver CROW: [Crystal] And fighting off the Hello Kitty. Gotta get there before that Kintorow Freon guy. > tomorrow does anyone > want to come with us?" I asked "Cause the more people that come the less > Legolas will be noticed." MIKE: Sorry...I'm gonna haveta see your math notes how that adds up. TOM: Or you could just not bring him! You ever thought of that?! > "If I can meet up with you guys in the > afternoon then I'll go" Joe said. "When and where?" I asked. 1:00pm in > the waterfront food court." He answered. "K" "I can come also." TOM: [Tommy Lee Jones] Agent J says he'll stay out, though... > Ryan said he wanted to get to know Legolas more also he loved downtown. CROW: All those strip joints, crackhouses, panhandlers... > "Me too" said John "I'm not working tomorrow." "That's great anyone else." CROW: This story's banality is jaw-dropping. TOM: Never in the history of the world has someone written so much about so little. MIKE: Plot? Conflict? A Mary Sue craves not these things. > Carolyn asked they all shook their heads. "Oh well, we'd better be > going, see you two tomorrow at nine, ok?" MIKE: Crystal, hon? You should realize by now that you and your friends are godawfully boring. Thought I'd point that out. > It was more of a statement > then a question but I decided it would be nice to ask anyway. TOM: [Crystal] I like to give them the illusion of control. > "Yup." > Ryan said. "Sure that's great." John agreed. "All right see you guys," I > said getting up. "Bye everyone hope to see you again before I go." > Legolas called. "Bye Legolas" David said. "So how do you like my > friends?" I asked Legolas on the way home. CROW: [Legolas] I'd rather make out with an Uruk-Hai than even see them again. > "They're nice although I'm > not so sure about Ryan." He answered, "It's like he's not all there." TOM: [Legolas, to self] Sort of like some *other* people I could mention... > "He isn't," Carolyn said, MIKE: [Carolyn] His brain fell out last year, and we never found it. > "that's why he's so funny." CROW: Ha ha ha, the mentally ill are FUNNY! > "Don't worry > you'll learn to like him just like I did, give it time, it took me no > less than five years." I said earnestly. MIKE: But Legolas only has 10 days. > "You're right I should give him > another chance," Legolas said, CROW: [Legolas] One. And then he dies. > "besides he is pretty funny." Once we got > home I showed Legolas the Charlie and the Chocolate video CROW: Thus giving Legolas a lifelong fear of chewing gum... MIKE: The what video? CROW: I thought Oompa-Loompas were from "*Willy Wonka* and the Chocolate Factory". TOM: It's a filthy Canadian rip-off! Damn Canadians! Is nothing sacred to you? > and he finally > understood what oompa loompas are MIKE: [Legolas] Oh, I see, so they're just overweight hobbits in jumpsuits? > but he still didn't get why they were > so funny to us. MIKE: See my 'normal, well-adjusted' riff above. > "It's ok you'll get it some day... TOM: [Crystal] ...after we give you your lobotomy. MIKE: [Legolas] I'm still thinking not. > Maybe even tomorrow." CROW: [Crystal] If you're a good little elf and you do your chores... > I said with a smile. Carolyn gave me a questioning look. "Huh?" Legolas > asked very confused, "What do you mean by that." Downtown Vancouver is > where our concept of oompa loompas, on the walkways outside Canada > Place." TOM: This a sentence fragment. CROW: What language is that? MIKE: I think she's speaking in tongues. TOM: If I re-read that last sentence again, my mind will for ever warp into insanity. > I continued. "So you might get a better explanation." "Sure" He > agreed slowly. CROW: [Legolas] You people are SO high... > "So what exactly is downtown and what can you do there?" > Legolas asked. "Well first we take the skytrain TOM: [deep, flat voice] o/~ Skytrain...to the end! o/~ MIKE: Great, thanks for that reminder, Tommy. > to waterfront, the last > station, then we just wander around, TOM: [Legolas] Oh, just like today then? > maybe go see and Imax movie, I hear > Star Wars Episode II is playing, that's a good one." Carolyn answered. TOM: It's official. We're in Hell. CROW: Look, we *all* like feeling smug, but couldn't you find a less explosive way to do it? MIKE: At once bizarrely idiosyncratic yet oh so very mainstream... just like everything else here, really. > "What is a skytrain?" Legolas asked. CROW: I can understand the train, but Legolas knows what an IMAX is? TOM: Turns out they're rather popular in Rivendell. Those documentaries on the Shire really bring in the customers. > I had almost forgotten how little > he knew. CROW: Well, in this case, he knows only as little as any non-Canadian. > "A skytrain is a form of public transportation, MIKE: Too bad it's not the New York subway. All these weirdos should fit right in... > it's kind of > like a car but runs on a track about 35 feet above ground. CROW: [Legolas] Is that so? Hmmmmm... [begins sharpening an imaginary knife] > It's the > easiest way for us to TOM: [Crystal] Push you out and claim it was an accident!!! Guwaaaa-haa-haa! > get to Vancouver" I said answering his question, > "it will make more sense if you see it." "Ok" He said satisfied for the > moment. TOM: Err...that's it? MIKE: This fic flows about as well as "Girl in Gold Boots". > > > CROW: We will now simulate the one moment of Legolas' satisfaction. > The next morning we got up at 8:00am because we had a lot to do CROW: o/~ Ya know sometimes...I like to sleep past noon... o/~ > before we left. TOM: [Crystal] Aah, I slept in! Have to milk the cat and butter the baby... oh wait... feed the toast and ... aaaaaaaahhh!!!! > Today Legolas go to try cereal MIKE: Today Dr. Thinker write part of story. TOM: Tomorrow, he go to his doom... ALL: GOOD GOD, NOOOOOOOO! > he had a big bowl of > Golden Grahams. TOM: Golden Grahams - truly the Breakfast of Champions. CROW: General Mills - not-so-proud sponsors of "Legolas, Back to the Future." > He got a little hyper from this TOM: He's got the metabolism of your hamster or your hummingbird. > but not as hyper as > Monday, CROW: [Crystal] This time he only tried to eat a fork, so it wasn't nearly as bad. > I suppose he has never had sugar for breakfast. TOM: Until he'd met you, he'd never had sugar AT ALL! CROW: Um, Mike? Didn't Legolas have coffee in the morning on Monday? MIKE: They have breakfast in the afternoon. CROW: But they ate at-- MIKE: They ate in the afternoon. CROW: But-- MIKE: Do you *defy* my logic? CROW: But I swear they-- MIKE: They *ate in the afternoon*. End of argument. Move along. CROW: Okay okay okay. Sheesh. TOM: Wait, wait, wait! Hold the phone! Is she trying to tell us that cereal gives Legolas a sugar buzz, but SODA AND ICE CREAM *DIDN'T*?!? CROW: But we couldn't have had that dramatic scene at the lake if Legolas was bouncing around like a power ball. MIKE: Besides, this is KOMEDY!!! TOM: ...Yeah. Yeah, Mike, that's right, its comedy. You, go, right on telling yourself that. MIKE: Once again, my normal, well-adjusted human being riff fits perfectly-- CROW: That could be an all-purpose riff in this fic, Mike. > After Legolas > calmed down we sat him on the couch and told him the new set of rules > for going downtown. "Don't make eye contact with anyone." I said. MIKE: They're going to New York now? > "Don't talk to anyone." Carolyn put in. TOM: [Carolyn] They'll only hurt you, and leave you for other fictional characters! > "Stay close to us." I continued. CROW: [Crystal] You must walk five paces behind me at all times, slave! > "Don't wander off." Carolyn said. We continued this way for quite some time. TOM: They're talking to him like he's a child? MIKE: Tom? Aren't you forgetting he is a braindead moron? TOM: *sigh* > "Don't go too near to the water." "Don't approach anyone." "Don't give > anything to anybody." MIKE: So basically, don't have any fun whatsoever. CROW: Kinda like around here.... > And so on until Legolas had enough, CROW: Playing the part of Legolas, little Mikey Brown from Thunder Bay. > "Ok, ok so > basically don't interact with anyone but you guys." He said annoyed. CROW: [Destinygurl] Yes, slave, you are here to fulfill my fantasies, and nothing else! > "And Ryan." I said "And Joe" Carolyn continued. "And John" I finished. > "I've got it, I've got it." TOM: [Legolas] I know your damn words, all right?! Just send me back to my own time, pronto! > Legolas said glaring at us he was getting > annoyed at us always finishing each other's sentences. TOM: Take a number, Greenleaf! > "Great then lets > go, it's almost nine." I called already going down the stairs. 10 MIKE: Destiny, honey? Chapter 9's supposed to come *before* Chapter 10. [All snicker] > minutes later we were at King George skytrain station. CROW: [Crystal] Hey, there's graffiti..."John Hancock was here?" MIKE: [Carolyn] Well that should be big enough for Fat George to read it! > "Oh so this is a > skytrain." Legolas said in wonderment. MIKE: [Legolas] It kinda sucks... > "Yes, now come on lets go buy our > tickets Ryan and John are already here." Said Carolyn getting out of the > truck and walking over to the building. "Morning guys" I said to John > and Ryan. John said "Hi Crystal." "Hey," was all that came out of Ryan's > mouth sleepily. TOM: So in other words, they exchanged greetings. MIKE: Yep. That's all. TOM: Fascinating that she can linger over the silliest of details. > "I see that someone's tired," I teased, "how late did we > stay up last night?" I inquired of him (Ryan) TOM: [Ryan] How should I know how late you stayed up? > "3:00am" he mumbled. "THAT > WAS SMART RYAN!" Carolyn yelled smacking him upside the head. MIKE: The irony of her sarcasm nearly crushed poor Carolyn as she was soon arrested for assault. CROW: We will return to "Degrassi Bi-Polar Jr. High" in just a moment. > "I think > it's time for some coffee" I said "we can get some at the gateway > station there's a Starbucks right across the street." CROW: Okay...so she's trying to keep Legolas inconspicuous but she takes him to a Starbucks for espressos? MIKE: On the other hand, maybe in his next buzz he'll try to eat the chairs thinking they're gingerbread and get carted away. CROW: Lucky him. > With that we went > to get our tickets." Stupid machines" John growled "Still don't take the > 'new' five dollar bills, they've been out for three years now." TOM: Um, John? You're supposed to put euros in those now. [All snicker] CROW: Wow! A scathing comment on Canadian vending machine owners' lack of concern for their customers? MIKE: Or, just another utterly pointless scene? TOM: You make the call! > "Here," I said giving him the change from my ticket. "Thanks." Once we got > our tickets we headed up to the loading platform. There was only one other > person there so we got a (train) car to ourselves. To stops later at > Gateway CROW: [Crystal] We snagged a great deal on a flat screen monitor! > we got off the skytrain to get coffee, I ordered two Verdi TOM: [Crystal] I'll take an Aida and a Rigoletto, please. > (the biggest size) iced mochas one for me and one for Carolyn and one tall > (the smallest size) TOM: Ah, *here's* the ironic commentary on the way we live now! > decaf iced mocha for Legolas. CROW: [Legolas] o/~ Mocha mocha man...I wanna be...a mochaaaaa maaan! o/~ > John got a Grande café > latte and Ryan got a Verdi plain black coffee. CROW: Thrill to the amazing coffee ordering scene! MIKE: Destinygurl: proud graduate of the Ratliff School of Neverending Lists. > We sat in a corner with > our drinks discussing what we were to do today. "So what do you want to > do today?" Carolyn asked. "I dunno what do you want to do?" I asked, "I > dunno what do you want to do?" TOM: [Carolyn] I dunno? What do you want to do? MIKE: [Crystal] I dunno? What do you want to do? TOM: [Carolyn] I dunno? What do you want to do? MIKE: [Crystal] I dunno? What do you... CROW: [Legolas] I... WILL... KILL... YOU... *ALL*!!! > Carolyn said starting to laugh. CROW: [Carolyn] Stop repeating me! TOM: [Crystal] Stop repeating me! CROW: [Carolyn] John, Crystal's repeating me! TOM: [Crystal] John, Crystal's repeating me! MIKE: That's enough, you two. CROW: [snickering] That's enough, you two. [Mike whacks Crow on the head] > "Now don't start that again." I said before bursting into a fit of giggles. > "Huh?" Legolas said very confused. TOM: For once, I'm right there with him. CROW: I think Legolas is taking the 'Han Solo' role in this fic: he represents the audience. > "Yeah" Ryan agreed. John rolled his > eyes at us and said "it's an old joke we used to say when we were kids > it's from the Disney movie 'The Jungle Book' it's actually very funny if > used in proper context." MIKE: Ya hear that Crystal? *Proper* context! TOM: Y'know, Destiny, if you have to explain the joke, it's probably not very funny in the first place. CROW: So she gets all her humor from Beatles-impersonating buzzards... why does that not surprise me? > "Ok so what do you want to do today?" Ryan > asked. "How 'bout we go see an Imax." John said. CROW: ...tha hell? It's just a frigging movie theater! What's so interesting about seeing a movie theater? MIKE: [John] Let's go spend $12 a piece to watch a cheesy documentary we'd skip on Discovery Channel just 'cause it's on a five-story-tall screen! Yay! > "Star Wars Episode II > is playing." Carolyn said CROW: [Carolyn] We must make an offering at the altar of Lucas. MIKE: Ah, so boring, bland characters pay money to go see more boring, bland characters. TOM: They like thinking they have personalities. > finally getting a hold of herself. "Lets go > see that." Ryan said excitedly. MIKE: [Ryan] 'Splosions! WOOO!!! TOM: Too much enthusiasm, Ryan... CROW: [Crystal] Oh, *you'll* get an orcish surprise, you... droid-lover! > "Ok we can go see when it's playing as > soon as we get downtown." I said getting up, "are we ready to go?" > "Yup" Ryan said finishing the last of his coffee and starting to perk > up. CROW: Oh boy! Maybe he'll start running into things! MIKE: Coffee: the antidepressant. > ~I shouldn't have gotten a Verdi~ I thought TOM: [Crystal] Man, those dissonant arias aren't sitting too well... MIKE: [Crystal] I could have got a Rossini, or a Puccini, or even a Wagner! > as I felt the hyperness > of coffee coming on. CROW: Oh God. TOM: We're doomed. > Legolas decided he didn't want to finish his coffee > (he had only taken a couple of sips) and was offering it to anyone, TOM: I don't blame him. Who in their right mind drinks DECAF?! CROW: [Legolas] No buzz, no point. > even though I already had WAY too much coffee I took it. MIKE: Well, so what? You specified earlier that Legolas ordered decaf. > I couldn't stand to > see a good iced mocha go to waste. I took one sip TOM: [low tones] We've secretly replaced the sugar in this coffee cup with ten ounces of metamphetamines. Let's see if she notices. > and coughed, CROW: [ditto] Well, folks, we have our answer! > "Legolas > how much sugar did you put in this?" "Ten packages," He said as if this > was the normal thing to do. TOM: So this is how Legolas could run non-stop for three days and slaughter sixty-one orcs at Helm's Deep! CROW: Man, what's Legolas gonna do once he gets home and he can't find any modern-day refined granulated sugar? TOM: Oh, I don't know, take up in a hollow tree and start the Keebler company, I suppose... > "TEN!!!" I yelled, CROW: [Monty Python] Three, sir! MIKE: What? Ten sounds just about right to me! TOM: Yeah, but you think that if you can't sink a lawn dart into it, the coffee's not done. MIKE: Bite me. > "that's pure plantation > sugar known to man." TOM: Uh, it's what? CROW: Whatever it is, it's effective! TOM: Mike, she's from your world. What is she talking about? MIKE: Oh no, she's not. She's not from any world I know of. > "Oops." CROW: Hey, fanfic! Why don't you let the audience in on the joke? TOM: Legolas is from Middle-earth, yet he knows what they're talking about while we're lost. Destinygurlish logic at its finest. > We got back on an empty skytrain and it was > a good thing it was empty because this were probably going to get > interesting with 4 teens on a coffee buzz and one Elf that has never > been on a skytrain. After gateway there is one more station then a big > bridge spanning the Fraser River. MIKE: That's appropriate, since this story is basically "Encino Man" with a Tolkien character. CROW: I'd hate to see what the Pauly Shore River looks like... *shudder* > We were just getting on the bride MIKE: Wait--they're to the honeymoon already, and we missed the wedding? TOM: Wow! I wonder what the *groom* have to say about that! CROW: MIIIKE! She's going to make me use up all my good off-color stuff before we're even half done! MIKE: Well, what do you want me to do about it? Go back in time and edit this thing? CROW: YES!!! MIKE: Right. I'll get right on that. > when Legolas took the liberty to look out the window. We were in the side > that makes it look like there is nothing between the water and us but > hundreds of feet of air TOM: [Legolas] o/~ Am I standing still...with the scenery flying by? o/~ > so he started to freak out, TOM: [Legolas] AAAAAAAH!!! AIR!!! MIKE: Freak out! [Horrible music--i.e., disco--plays while M&tB dance, Mike doing John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. After a few seconds, the music stops.] MIKE: Whoa! Felt like I was trapped in the Seventies there for a second. TOM: Better than being trapped in the Eighties. MIKE and CROW: You said it! > he hurried over to > the other side of the train. TOM: Okay, let's take another quick plot check. MIKE: Tom, really, must we... TOM: Legolas has fought legions of orcs. MIKE: Yes, but... TOM: ...the Nazgűl horde... MIKE: Well, yea, but... TOM: ...scaled the mighty mountain Caradhras when the rest of the fellowship was falling face-first in the snow... MIKE: Yes, but... TOM: AND HE'S AFRAID OF HEIGHTS?! MIKE: Tom? Enough with the plot checks. We know. CROW: We promised we'd stop, before we confused the audience anym... MIKE: SHHHH! [stage whisper] Don't break the fourth wall! CROW: [stage whisper] Sorry! [normal] Before Pearl forces us to watch the Rankin-Bass version. TOM: .........I'll be good. > "Everyone get over here in this side," He > said worriedly. "Why?" CROW: What's the matter, God? What is it, boy? > Carolyn asked suspiciously. "Because if we don't > the train will tip and we will fall into the water." He said in total > seriousness. TOM: [John, falsetto] I am like *so* totally serious? > Carolyn started giggling too hard to say anything so John > stepped in, "Don't worry they make these things so that they don't fall > of the track" he said soothingly MIKE: [John] See? They put enough rubber bands and Elmer's glue in these things to last a hundred years! CROW: Obviously Amtrak didn't make the "skytrain". TOM: Ha-ha, "skytrain". > so Legolas calmed down a bit, after > that he just didn't look out the window. There was silence for a few > minutes so Ryan out of nothing to say made the weirdest noise it was > kind of like the sound that a wookie made (or that's what we dubbed it) CROW: [snickers] Dub...sound...that's funny, right? > but different. "Reeehh." CROW: This little piggy went to market. TOM: Reeehh? CROW: Isn't that a Jawa? MIKE: No, that's more of a "Ree-ree!" Wookies are more of a "Rrrraaaagggghhh!" CROW: Mike, don't ever do that again. > I burst into hysteric giggles (coffee buzz) CROW: Oh yes, we *completely believe* it's the *coffee*.... > I would have been able to control myself if John hadn't started to giggle > too. (He giggles like a girl). CROW: [author] But don't tell him I posted that to fanfiction.net story 1,245,772...aw damn! Did it again, did I? MIKE: I dunno, do they let people publish their life stories at fanfiction.net? TOM: Hell, I bet you could even publish your plans to kill your wife on fanfiction.net if you included a fictional character in them... > When I finally stopped laughing I told > Ryan not to do that again until the coffee wore off. MIKE: [Crystal] At that time, you may continue behaving as if you have the IQ of a sock puppet. > Legolas was > fascinated by seeing all the things go by, CROW: [dumb] Dah, look, things! > he was asking constant > questions which we took turns answering. "What's that?" Legolas asked. TOM: [Carolyn] It's your hand, honey. You have two. > "It's a steamboat." Carolyn said, "it's a boat that runs on heat and > steam." CROW: Maybe that's why they call it A STEAMBOAT! TOM: [Legolas] Do all you people function on circular definitions? MIKE: ...I'll just say that that tops the explanation of batteries, and leave it at that. > He had never seen a mall before CROW: EXCEPT FOR THE ONE YOU TOOK HIM TO *YESTERDAY!!!* Remember? Swimsuit thing? TOM: Details, details... > so he got really excited TOM: [Legolas] Oh my god! Hot Dog on a Stick! Cinnabon! Three different shoe stores! Ooh, can we get our picture taken in the little booth, please oh please oh please??? > when he saw the huge building bustling with people, TOM: I think the Prince of Mirkwood has seen much more interesting huge buildings bustling with people, like maybe, I don't know...HELM'S DEEP!? > which was Metrotown mall. MIKE: Named by the DC Comics City Naming Committee. CROW: Ah, Metrotown Mall: the Mecca of Shallow Housewives, Not-Really- Delinquent Suburban Teenagers, and, yes, annoyingly perky young girls. > "What goes on in there?" TOM: Capitalist exploitation of an impossible ideal of wealth, beauty and happiness. Why? > He asked as we stopped at the station right > across the street from the mall. MIKE: [Crystal] Well, let's see now. They put fake Santas in there at Christmas time, and sometimes they even get semiprofessional musicians to play in center court! > It was John's turn to answer a > question. "It is a place where you can get just about anything." MIKE: Nuclear warheads? CROW: Skyscrapers? TOM: Nylon vacuum cleaner bags? MIKE: Drugs? CROW: Illegal aliens? TOM: Batteries, spatulas, and a very tired elf? ALL: Naaaaaah! > he started. "And a movie theatre and a hotel." I finished. TOM: [John] C'mon, *I* was talking! Can't anybody else steal the spotlight for even a few seconds?!? > "Really?" John > said amazed at my knowledge MIKE: [John] I want to learn of Metrotown Mall. Please teach me the Path of the Gap and Starbucks so that I may complete my spirit. > (I'm not the kind of person who likes to > hang out in malls all the time) [All laugh hysterically.] MIKE: [choking laughter in an attempt to speak] Now that is the first funny joke you've told so far! > "I knew the was a theatre MIKE: A theater called "the"? CROW: So, Mike. Wanna go see "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" at the "The" later? MIKE: Cool. > but I had no > idea that there was a hotel in there too." MIKE: [John] Sounds horribly tacky! Let's go! TOM: Come on, who would stay at a hotel in a *mall*? [Beat.] TOM: [muttering] Canadians.... > "Can we go there sometime?" CROW: [John] I can get us rates by the hour! > Legolas asked. "Maybe, but it would be very risky because there are > always lots of people around." Carolyn said logically. MIKE: [Carolyn] Too dangerous. So, let's go take in that IMAX film in the middle of the crowded area! > "Reeehh." TOM: [Carolyn, badly dubbed] Oh no, it's Godzilla! CROW: This little piggy stayed home. MIKE: Still not quite Wookie, but getting there. CROW: Let's just hope he doesn't try a Jar-Jar on us. > Said Ryan. I told you not to do that until the coffee wears off." I said TOM: I mean, you have to listen to me; I'm the narrator! CROW: [Crystal] Now you die, Freak Boy! > smacking between fits of giggles. CROW: WOW! Heroin AND coffee?! She's the IDEAL junkie! TOM: Junkie? Hell, she's already got the stuff that grunge bands are made of! > "And when will that be?" Ryan asked > pretending to be solemn. "Once we reach waterfront it should be over." CROW: Did you hear that, Mike? Once they reach the waterfront, the fanfic's over! MIKE: [sighs] If only that were true.... > I said calming down. MIKE: Ya know, if I ever get back to Earth I'm gonna tell the execs at Dunkin' Donuts 'bout this quick-absorb caffeine...they'll make a killing! > When we got to waterfront CROW: There goes the coffee buzz. > we went straight to Canada > Place to get movie times. Legolas stood there looking at the billowing > white sails in awe MIKE: [Legolas] White sails? Have I reached the Grey Havens? *GASP!* I'm saved! CROW: [Legolas] White sails after Labour Day?! Barbarians... > "It's beautiful" He said. "Come on" I yelled running > up the stairs to the upper walkways. "Excuse me." Carolyn said to the > woman behind the counter at the Imax theatre, "when does 'Star Wars > Episode Two' play today?" CROW: [woman] Look kid, don't bother me. My life sucks! My sleezebag husband just left me for a halter top and a pair of pumps, my kid's a male stripper, and my sister's a crack addict, so don't you *dare* ask *me* about movie times! > "4:00, 6:00 and 8:00" She answered. TOM: [woman] And then there's the midnight showing of "Slugs Livin' Large: On The *Really* Big Screen!" > We spent > the day wandering around downtown, at noon I dragged everybody over to > the famous Gastown clock. "Why are we sitting here looking at a clock?" > Ryan asked. TOM: [Crystal] I'm padding the fic. Duh! MIKE: [Crystal] None of us has a watch. Duh! CROW: [Crystal] It's the world's first and only fart-powered timepiece. Duh! > "You'll see just be quiet for a few seconds." I said CROW: Training my gun on him. > with a smile, "five, four, three, two, one." [All make fart noises] > The steam clock went off with a > beautiful melody for 12 seconds. TOM: o/~ You rally round tha family with a pocket full of shells! o/~ CROW: You know, musical clocks just don't translate to text. MIKE: None of this crap does. > "That was incredible." John said. CROW: [John] I'll never hear "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" the same way again! > "Yeah." Carolyn agreed, even she had never heard the steam clock before. > "Reeehh." Ryan said. TOM: [Crystal] You still here? I should've had you killed by now! CROW: And this little piggy went weeeee weeeeee weeeee all the way home! > "Lets get lunch and eat it on the front deck of > Canada Place." I suggested. MIKE: Sheesh, this is just turning into just some random Sunday afternoon for these people except that they occasionally throw in an elf to punch it up. > (Canada Place looks kind of like a boat it's > got beautiful outdoor walkways and they end in a point overlooking the > water much like the bow of a ship.) TOM: [Crystal] And a plank for the nastier customers. > "Where should we get our food?" > Asked Carolyn. "How about the food court." Ryan said. MIKE: [Carolyn] Nobody likes a smartass. > "Lets do that" > John agreed. So we walked about five minutes to the food court. TOM: [Crystal] Then we got bored and decided to go to Suncoast. But Legolas wouldn't shut up about the Two Towers display making him look bad, so we had to drag him out of there... > Once inside we all split up to get our own food. Carolyn, Leoglas and I went > together. TOM: The hell? Leoglas? She forgot to introduce the new character! MIKE: You want her to? > "Lets see you've had pizza and teriyaki chicken so how about > you try CROW: [Crystal] ...yet another bland, unimaginative dish! > a beef souvlaki (Greek meat) pita. We walked over to 'Pita > Pizzazz' and let Legolas decide what exactly what he wanted, but while > he was deciding he shifted his hair showing his ear. TOM: Then he put his hair in a ponytail and twirled it while he chewed gum loudly...I hate this fic. > The girl-behind- > the-counter's eyes widened and she scurried off MIKE: [Legolas] Hey! Hey, I haven't ordered yet! I want the triple Generic Burger with cheese... > to tell her co-worker > what she had just seen. CROW: [Worker #1] Oh my God, it's Orlando Bloom! MIKE: [Worker #2] Big whoop. Call me out there when Viggo Mortenson shows up. > "Carolyn we've been spotted, we gotta get out of > here." ALL: [Admiral Ackbar] IT'S A TRAP! CROW: [Carolyn] Lady, wait! He got his head caught in a... mechanical... rice... picker.... duh! TOM: So the twin swords and the bow didn't phase this woman, but she's sent running by a mild ear deformity? MIKE: Well, maybe he doesn't have his weapons. TOM: Come on, Mike! Do you really think Legolas Greenleaf would travel unarmed in a strange and possibly dangerous world with two psychotics and their idiot friends as his only companions? MIKE: Point taken. > I said worriedly but keeping a level head continued, "I'll get > Legolas outta here and you go get the others. You know where to meet > me?" She nodded. So with that I grabbed Legolas' hand and disappeared > into the crowd. TOM: Man, Crystal's really got a thing for ripping off body parts! > >************************************** > > 9. Oompa Loompas Are Taking Over The World > > Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING OK SO STOP ASKING!!!!!!!!!!!! TOM: Sweet baby Torgo! Author, do you think we have nothing better to do than worry whether you have ownership rights to a Tolkien character? MIKE: You guys believe anyone ever asked her what she owns? BOTS: Nope. MIKE: I thought so. > > "What's going on?" Legolas asked TOM: [Legolas] o/~ I say, hey yay yay yeah... o/~ > as we threaded through the masses of > people not jostling anyone. MIKE: So all those people must've been standing completely still, then. > I was lucky the Legolas was an Elf MIKE: Yes, Crystal. *The* Legolas is an elf. CROW: [Crystal, campy] *The* Legolas, like Legolas Greenleaf? OhmygawdohmygawdohmygawdohmygawdIcan'tbelieveitIloveyouyougorgeouself! > and could > move as easy as me MIKE: [Crystal] Über-girl that I am. Teehee! [A faint, high-pitched whine is heard.] CROW: Wow, you can hear Tolkien spinning in his grave all the way up here! MIKE: Wait...who's the star of this fic again? TOM: o/~ Mary-nary-Sue / Where are you? / We got some hurt to dish out... o/~ > cause we had to get out of there. Fast! TOM: [Superhero voice] This looks like a job for... A TWENTY! ALL: A TWENTY!!! > "You were spotted, try and keep your ears covered next time." TOM: [Crystal] Else Trekkies will keep hassling us for your autograph! CROW: What's the big deal about his ears? It's not like he's frickin' Dumbo or anything... MIKE: So you cover up his ears and he no longer looks like Legolas? Nifty trick...could've used that a few times, myself. > We burst out into > the sunlight TOM: [Crystal] At which point I, being a literary vampire, burst into flames. > and kept running but slowed our pace slightly. We ran into > Canada Place and, in order to blend with the crowd, CROW: ...put on Canucks jerseys and said 'Eh?' to everyone we passed. TOM: What, are they afraid he's going to be carted off by Elf Control or something? > slowed to a fast > walk. "What are we doing here?" Legolas asked. "Give me a sec. I'll tell > you when we get there." MIKE: [Legolas] LOOK!!! Would you STOP talking to me like I'm some eight-year old?!? I'm a prince, I'm a warrior, and I'm older than your whole damn family tree!!! CROW: [Crystal, baby voice] Aww... Is'Ums cranky? Let's go down to the food court and get you a cookie! MIKE: [Legolas] AAARGH!!! > We went up to the second floor and stopped right > beside the escalator to the third floor. "Come on," I said ducking > underneath it. This was the perfect hiding spot; it was dark so you > couldn't see inside it from the outside. Once our eyes adjusted to the > darkness Legolas MIKE: Of course, Legolas, able to see in the dark, wouldn't need any time to adjust.... > asked the question weighing on his mind, CROW: [Legolas] So, Crystal. Will ya? Huh? Will ya? TOM: [Legolas] And when did this suddenly become a cheesy 80's teen movie? > "What's going on?" MIKE: [Crystal] Thought you'd never ask! BOTS: BOMP CHICK WOW! BOMP CHICK WOW!! > "The girl at the pita place TOM: "Two Girls, an Elf, and a Pita Place." CROW: This Fall on the new "Must Summon From TV" lineup! > saw your ear TOM: [Legolas] You know, Tolkien was surprisingly silent on whether elves have pointed ears. If you had summoned me from the book instead of the *movie*, I probably wouldn't have this problem! CROW: It could be worse, Servo. She could have summoned him from the Wood-elf scene in the Rankin-Bass "Hobbit" cartoon! Then he'd look like a misshapen troll doll and speak in a German accent! MIKE: Well, at least the musical numbers in this fanfic would be more interesting... [hums "When There's A Whip, There's A Way"] > and must've put two and > two together, MIKE: [girl] Two... plus two... equals... uurgh... where's the calculator? CROW: [Crystal] Coming up with pi, she came to the obvious conclusion that you're a fictional character mysteriously transported to our world to serve as my personal amusement! > if word got out that you were here MIKE: [Crystal] Fangirls the world over would have tried to summon you from their TVs! But you are MINE, you hear me? MINE!!!! TOM: [Legolas] ... MIKE: [Crystal] I'll hold you and hug you and call you Legolas and embroider nice buttons with your name on them for you to wear and laugh at all of those other bitchy fangirls... ooooo, Ellissa'll be soooo jealous! I'll.... TOM: [Legolas] ...Kill me. Kill me *now*. > chaos would have > ensued. TOM: It just never occured to you that the counter chicky was just thinking "Man, he's got weird ears!" or "Which Vulcan is he supposed to be," did it? CROW: Or that not everyone on Earth would recognize Legolas *on freaking sight!* MIKE: Not to mention that even if she *DID* recognize him, she'd much more likely think he was - Oh, I don't know - *THE ACTOR WHO PLAYED LEGOLAS IN THE MOVIE!!!* TOM: Guys, you do realize that we care more about plausibility than Destiny- gurl does, right? MIKE: Yup. Sad really... > I brought you here to lay low for a while in case someone comes > looking for you." I answered trying to catch my breath. (Where'd it go?) TOM: Well author, if you knew, you'd have caught it, now wouldn't you? CROW: Perhaps if you added punctuation, you'd find it again? > "Are the others coming?" Legolas asked. TOM: o/~ They're coming to take me away, ha-HA! o/~ MIKE: You were saying that as Legolas, right Tommy? TOM: Huh? Oh yeah, right...Legolas. > "Yes they should be here any > second now." TOM: [Crystal] I used my telepathic powers to summon them! MIKE: Umm... Say what, now? TOM: Look - A) How else would the others know exactly where they were hiding? B) She's a Mary Sue. It's the next logical step. MIKE: Depressing, yet true. > Just as I said that John poked his head in. "Hey come on > in" I beckoned him to sit with us, TOM: Lotta room in the darkness behind that escalator, there. CROW: They use it for forbidden orgies after hours. > "are the others coming?" "Yup. TOM: Wow, this dialogue! Destinygurl *is* from Canada! MIKE: Why does the group have a pre-planned hiding place in the mall? CROW: I'm sure we don't wanna know, Mike. > So what exactly happened? Carolyn only told me to meet you here" John > asked. "Legolas was recognized so we're just lying low for a while." CROW: I suppose it would be the road to madness to ask at this point why no one has yet noticed Orlando Bloom walking round Vancouver. > I answered. Just the Ryan, Carolyn and Joe came in "Joe! ALL: NORM!! > I didn't know you > were here." I said in surprise. MIKE: [Joe] Didn't think I'd catch you and elf boy in the act, did you? CROW: [Crystal] Erm, ahhh! Oh... I, um, won't be sitting down for a while... > "Yeah I met up with Ryan in the food > court." Joe said. TOM: Plot contrivance factor reaching critical overload! > "So what happened?" Ryan asked. "Arrrrrrgh!" I was > getting so tired of people asking me the same question over and over > again. CROW: We there yet? TOM: No. CROW: We there yet? TOM: No. CROW: We there yet? TOM: Nope. CROW: We there yet? TOM: No. MIKE: Alright already! > "Ok... Legolas was recognized so we had to get out of there." CROW: [Crystal] Yeah, I couldn't let some other obsessed fangirl steal away my prize, could I? > "Ahh I see" Joe said. MIKE: [Joe] Panicked and ran again, eh? CROW: [Carolyn] Hey, my "Fight-or-flight" reflex has a faulty "fight" setting! > A few minutes later when we thought it would be safe we came out. CROW: [Crystal/Legolas] Hey, everyone! We're gay! > "We have to be a lot more careful if Legolas is going to > survive the day." I said. MIKE: Oh please. Like they wouldn't just assume he was some lost cosplayer. > "Yeah," Carolyn agreed MIKE: [Carolyn] I think you should help out, Crystal, by going away and leaving him alone. > glad that something > worse didn't happen. "What's going on?" Legolas asked as we threaded > through the masses of people not jostling anyone. MIKE: Hey--the fic skipped again! Maybe it needs cleaning. TOM: This is what happens when you insist on vinyl over digital.... CROW: AAAAAUUUGH!!! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!!!! DAMN MACHINE....! [Crow runs out of the theater, screaming.] TOM: Now, where's he going? MIKE: Well, when you gotta go, you gotta go, I guess... > I was lucky the > Legolas was an Elf and could move as easy as me TOM: [shouting] Hey, Crow, while you're out there, could you bring me some-- [The furious pounding of a hammer against metal can be heard from offstage.] CROW: UUUURRRRAAAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!! [BANG! POW! BIFF! SOCK! THWACK!] TOM: Ummm... never mind... > cause we had to get out > of there. Fast! TOM: [Crystal] Light speed is too slow! MIKE: [Legolas] Light speed is too slow?!?! TOM: [Crystal] Yes! We're gonna haveta go right to... Ludicrous Speed! > "You were spotted, try and keep your ears covered next time." MIKE: I think the 'fic just crossed over with Wing Commander. TOM: [Maestro] We're gonna MISS you, bug! > We burst out into the sunlight and kept running but slowed our > pace slightly. We ran into Canada Place and, MIKE: ...bought three houses and a hotel, eh? CROW: [offscreen] TAKE THAT, YOU [*THUD!*] DAMN INFERNAL [*OOF!*] MACHINE FROM HELL! [*SLAM! KNOCK! BOOM!*] MIKE: Is he going to do that every time a fic author messes up cut and paste? TOM: He should really explode his head sometime. It's a great release. > in order to blend with the > crowd, slowed to a fast walk. "What are we doing here?" Legolas asked. CROW: [running in, frantic] Aaaghh! It's still repeating! [Crow begins to rush back out, but Mike grabs him.] MIKE: Crow... Crow! Just calm down and have a seat, ok? CROW: But the space-time.... machine... thingy... it's making the... story... skip... endless cycle... of torture and pain... have to... make it stop... MIKE: Crow... Crow... it's not the machine... please relax... CROW: It's not? TOM: Yeah, Crow, it's the author... it's not your fault. CROW: [cheering up] Oh, okay... it's the author. I get it now! [Tom and Mike breathe a collective sigh.] CROW: [frantic again] It must mean the author's ego is so astronomically huge that space and time are being warped around it... will nothing escape? Aaaaaauuuggg-- [*THWACK!*] CROW: Thanks, Mike, I needed that... [falls to the floor, unconscious] > "Give me a sec. I'll tell you when we get there." We went up to the > second floor and stopped right beside the escalator to the third floor. > "Come on," I said ducking underneath it. This was the perfect hiding > spot; it was dark so you couldn't see inside it from the outside. Once > our eyes adjusted to the darkness Legolas asked the question weighing on > his mind, "What's going on?" "The girl at the pita place saw your ear > and must've put two and two together, MIKE: Yeah, so what's your problem, story? I mean...1,245,772 indeed! > if word got out that you were here > chaos would have ensued. I brought you here to lay low for a while in > case someone comes looking for you." I answered trying to catch my > breath. (Where'd it go?) TOM: Crystal? If you knew that, you'd have caught it, now wouldn't you? MIKE: It had gone to a place far, far away. A place not of sight or sound, but of total inanity. It had entered... ALL: [Rod Serling] The Self-insertion Zone. > "Are the others coming?" Legolas asked. "Yes > they should be here any second now." Just as I said that John poked his > head in. "Hey come on in" I beckoned him to sit with us, "are the others > coming?" "Yup. So what exactly happened? Carolyn only told me to meet > you here" John asked. "Legolas was recognized so we're just lying low > for a while." I answered. Just the Ryan, Carolyn and Joe came in "Joe! I > didn't know you were here." I said in surprise. TOM: [Joe] Didn't think I'd catch you and elf boy in the act, did you? > "Yeah I met up with Ryan > in the food court." Joe said. "So what happened?" Ryan asked. > "Arrrrrrgh!" I was getting so tired of people asking me the same > question over and over again. TOM: Now even *she's* noticing it. MIKE: Oh yeah? Well we're tired of reading the same story over and over again! > "Ok... Legolas was recognized so we had to > get out of there." "Ahh I see" Joe said. "We have to be a lot more > careful if Legolas is going to survive the day." I said. "Yeah," Carolyn > agreed glad that something worse didn't happen. "What should we do > now?" John asked. MIKE: How about you end the fic and go home? CROW: [rising to consciousness, erratic and jittery] Anything.... just please, *please,* don't repeat that scene *again!* > "I'm still hungry." Legolas stated. "Right so we still > need food... I've got it." CROW: [Crystal] We need to eat! ALL: [Simultaneously] Brilliant! Bravo! You da' woman! > I said my face lighting up, TOM: So now she's transfiguring? The narcissism of Mary-Sues knows no bounds! MIKE: I have serious problems with Crystal as a Christ figure. CROW: If she's God's chosen, sign me up with Satan, baby! > "Carolyn, Permitir > nos obsequio Legolas a 'Muerte Cerca Chocolate'" MIKE: "To permit we flattery Legolas to 'Death Close to the Chocolate'?" CROW: When Babelfish goes horribly, horribly wrong... > (Carolyn let us treat > Legolas to death by chocolate) I said in rapid Spanish. TOM: And somewhere, the cast of "Baldo" is driven to take up arms and declare war on the Pacific Northwest. > "Ese es la, um, > gran idea" (That's a great idea) Carolyn answered also in Spanish. CROW: All right, all right, you took a semester of Spanish! Good for you! Now stop copying your homework answers into the story already! > John joined in the conversation, "'Muerte Cerca Chocolate'? Nunca manada ALL: o/~ A nunca manada...for the rest of the dayyyyyyyyyy!!! It's a substance-free...philosophy! o/~ > de lo." CROW: J. Lo? > (Death by chocolate? Never heard of it) he said. TOM: [slowly, and very loud] HOLA! ME LLAMO TOM SERVO! CROW: [same] BUENOS DIAS.............DONDE ESTA EL...err...BATHROOM-O? [normal] We just wanted to give you an idea of what their conversation sounds like, Mike. MIKE: Thanks, guys, for bringing up yet another *fond* memory of high school. > I was startled; > of course, I forgot John could speak Spanish just as well as I could TOM: So, not well at all. > if not better. "Bienvenido a el conversación John." MIKE: What the...? Has this suddenly become a Spanish chatroom? > (Welcome to the > conversation John) I said, TOM: [Crystal] ˇAhora váyase! CROW: [Crystal] (Now be gone!) MIKE: ...I won't even ask. > "'Muerte Cerca Chocolate' es la restaurante > ese especializarse en chocolate postre." (Death by chocolate is a > restaurant that specializes in chocolate dessert) "Ahh. Si, si, permitir > nos hacer ese." MIKE: If we ever hear of a Spanish teacher going postal somewhere, I'm pretty sure we're looking at the trigger. > (ash yes, yes CROW: Gotta eat 'em all! MIKE: Cut that out. > let's do that) John loved chocolate. The > other three (that can't speak Spanish) were looking at us like we were > crazy. TOM: I'll bet a lot of people look at them like that... CROW: [Friends] Yeah, shouldn't we be speaking French or something? This *is* Canada... > "Come on" I said getting up. As everyone came out they turned in > the direction of the front doors. "Where are you guys going?" I asked > turning in the other direction. "Where are we going? Where are you > going? MIKE: [mobster] So how you doin'? CROW: [same] How you doin'? MIKE: How you doin'? TOM: [same] How you doin'? MIKE: How you doin'? TOM: How you doin'? CROW: How you doin'? TOM: Good. > We're headed to the door." Ryan said. "There are too many people > that way let me take you the back way." CROW: [Crystal] I'm the author! We go *this* way! > I said leading them through some > deserted hallways, then out the door into the sunlight. We took the bus > for about five minutes to a tiny little hole in the wall with a sign > over the door saying TOM: [intoning] Abandon all hope ye who enter here.... > 'Death By Chocolate'. TOM: I so wouldn't go in there if I were Legolas. CROW: [Legolas] Why is the Oompa-Loompa at the door grinning at me so...? > We ordered chocolate pudding > for everyone TOM: *THRILL* as our heroes *EAT PUDDING!!* MIKE: I swear, this is like Scooby-Doo without the guys in monster suits... > and took it back to Canada Place to eat it. MIKE: So, they take the bus all the way to "Death by Chocolate", buy pudding, then, instead of staying there and eating it, they go all the way back to "Canada Place"? CROW: So they just returned to the place they escaped from... this fanfic is just a Mobius strip! > "This is so > good" Legolas commented. CROW: That's it? TOM: This is *Death by Chocolate!* You could at least swoon! > "What should we do now?" Joe asked. CROW: [Carolyn] I have an idea: Why don't we ditch Joe? Oh wait... > "Why don't > we take the sea bus and go to Lonsdale Quay." Carolyn suggested. "What > is Lonsdale...Quay?" Legolas asked. MIKE: Hmmm...didn't Daria used to live there? TOM: Come on, it's in Canada. It's a place to look at moose or walk in snowshoes or something! > "It is a place that has lots of fun > things to do, you can shop or go play in the arcade or other stuff." I > said. CROW: [Legolas] Doesn't that describe the place we just ran away from? TOM: [Crystal] Yeah, but this one has a Sbarro. CROW: [Legolas] WOO-HOO!! > So that's what we did. TOM: [gasping] That was... short. MIKE: [awestruck] She spared us a boring, overwrought chronology of every inane thing they did at Lonsdale Quay. CROW: Maybe there is a God in Heaven, after all. MIKE: Hey, description's overrated these days. Why, just ask some of these great contributors! Nightmare James, Zore The Man, Dave and Dine... TOM: ...Peter Guerin, Benjamin Hutchins... PEARL: [over intercom] Okay, story time! [Screams are heard. A lot of them. They last a very, long, time.] PEARL: [over intercom] Hee hee. > Then at 5:45 we came back on the sea bus > and went to 'The Old Spaghetti Factory' for supper. CROW: Have to disagree with you, Mike. This is more like Hanna-Barbera's remake of "Kids." > "Crystal how do you > know so much about Vancouver?" CROW: [Crystal] I'm Canadian, you idiot. TOM: Grrr... is this a fanfic or a travelogue? CROW: If so, the Vancouver Tourist Board is really slipping to new lows... MIKE: Although, I guess this beats "Visit Vancouver! We're not the ones with SARS!" > John asked me once we sat down. "What do > you mean?" I was puzzled. TOM: [Crystal] Silly mortal! I know everything! > "Well you've never lived in Vancouver MIKE: ...for which I'm sure she's very thankful... > but you > know all these things like when to come see the clock and when Legolas > was discovered you knew exactly where to hide and the best way to get > out, how do you know this?" John asked again. CROW: [Crystal] Duh, I'm the author's avatar! MIKE: [Crystal] Ummm... I read the Fodor's Guide on best sites to see while escaping from Vancouver... TOM: [Crystal] Because that's where my handler liv - DAAAAAAAH! I mean... > "The only reason that I > know all this stuff is that when I was little we (My sister, Cara and my > aunt, Sharon) TOM: None of whom will be making appearances... MIKE: Speaking of her family, where did they go anyway? CROW: Oh, she cut the part out where they disowned her over the whole lamp incident. Sad really. > would come down here almost every weekend, MIKE: [Crystal] ...and run from fast-food workers trying to look at our ears! > I would always > run off and explore every thing I could get to. That's how I know all > the secret places." I answered. MIKE: ...Lying like a rug. TOM: Hah! I bet she hasn't even found the trap door under the carpet yet! Hell, she hasn't even found the passage between the rocks in the basement that leads to the cave of vampire bats! > That seemed to satisfy them for the > moment. CROW: [Crystal] For the moment... but soon I will reveal my secret plan and then you all will bow down to ME! Guwaaa-haa-ha--oh, sorry... I was thinking out loud again... oops... TOM: And, once again, Crystal's Aura of Smooth saves the day! > As we were looking at the menu something caught Legolas' eye > "There is ice cream with every meal" he said excitedly. "What kind of > ice cream?" John asked. "Spumoni." I said, ALL: Gesundheit! > "Bless you." Ryan joked. CROW: That joke was straight from Carson...Daly. TOM: So, Destiny likes to riff her own work...[starts to get up]...we can go then? MIKE: [pulls Tom back to seat] During the fanfic, please remain seated at all times. > "Thank you," I shot back glaring at him, "Spumoni is a type of ice > cream." TOM: Which is like calling Baked Alaska "a type of ice cream." CROW: [Joe] Actually, real spumoni is more like a jello mold with ice cream. MIKE: [Legolas] What's "jello?" BOTS: [Everyone except Legolas] D'OH!!! > "Well that helps sooo much." Carolyn said. (Note the sarcasm). TOM: Oh, I sooo wouldn't have know it was sarcasm if you sooo didn't tell me. > "Well then your you'll just have to wait till you get it." I retorted. > "Spumoni, spumoni" Ryan said in a singsong voice. TOM: o/~ And a pocket full of baloney! o/~ > ~Oh no he's lost it~ TOM: Dingdingdingdingdingdingding! MIKE: And Crystal *finally* catches up with the audience, which goes wild! ALL: [dully] Yay. > after our meal, true to the menu, we got spumoni ice cream. The others > looked at theirs with disgust. "Try it, it's good." I urged taking a big > bite of mine. CROW: [Crystal] Eat it! You can spit in seven different colors if you do! > "But it's vanilla and chocolate and GREEN!" Joe said. > "It's vanilla, chocolate and pistachio." I corrected drawing out the > last word; "look I'll pay 25 cents to the first person to try some." > John, being Dutch, (No offence to Dutch people) took up my offer TOM: What's being Dutch got to do with that? CROW: I think Dutch people certainly *will* take offense. MIKE: Oh yeah, we'll get letters. > but he > just got chocolate and vanilla in his spoon. "No way am I paying you for > that you have to get all three flavours in your spoon." MIKE: [Joe] But I'm allergic to pistachio... TOM: [Crystal] Eat, dammit! > I said. He > hesitantly took a small scoop of all three and ate it, "Hey this is > actually good." CROW: [John] For pure crap! > He said with a smile. "Don't wanna say it...but...why > not...I told ya so." ALL: *Waap waap waap waaaaaaaaaa!!!* > I laughed as everyone took a bite and liked it. > "Reeehh." Ryan said. MIKE: Suddenly I have a tremendous urge to play Pooyan... TOM: Y'know, of all the characters I loathe in this story, I think I loathe Ryan the most. [Crow and Mike mutter in assent.] > "Look my spoon has a name," Joe said MIKE: [Joe] It's O-S-C-A-R... > holding up his > spoon, "it's Shnirgin-himer-shnitzle-shtill." MIKE: [snickering] His name is my name too! > "That's a mouthful." Legolas > said. TOM: Leg...Leg...Legolas? There's a guy named Legolas in this fanfic? CROW: Yea, I think he's a dwarf or a leprechaun...something like that. > "You're right, just Shnirgin" Joe corrected himself "Reeehh." Ryan > said. "Shnirgin," CROW: [Swedish chef] Hoety shmoety bork bork bork! Sautee... the... fanfic... bork bork bork! Hoety shmoety! > Joe continued. TOM: Mike, if these really are Destinygurl's real-life friends, is it any wonder she's the way she is, and escaping to a fantasy world? > "That's perfect," I cried, "every time > Ryan makes his wookie noise someone should say Shnirgin." MIKE: Yeah, 'cause that's soooo funny... TOM: Hey, sarcasm is "sooo" with only 3 "o's", Mike. CROW: [Crystal] After a few minutes of this, I'm sure we'll *all* be as insane as Ryan! > "Great idea." Carolyn agreed. TOM: Can he say "shnirgin" when everyone's strung out on caffeine? > "Reeehh." Ryan said. ALL: HI-KEEBA! > "Shnirgin!" Legolas yelled happily. MIKE: Little do they know, but Shnirgin is Elfish for "Moron!" > "Wow you catch on quick." John commented. TOM: [Legolas, muttering] I swear, by my ancestors, all you condescending jerks will eat my blade before I go... > "Um guys it's almost 8:00" > Carolyn pointed out. CROW: [Carolyn] Oh no, we're missing "Freaks and Geeks"! > "Whoa we have to get to the theatre." I said. So we > paid our bill and ran to the CN Imax. MIKE: Cartoon Network has its own IMAX theater? Cool! > We got there just in time to catch > the last material. TOM: But it tore, thus ruining our perfect new dresses. CROW: The "last material"? What, was the theatre on fire? > We quietly filed in to the back row, MIKE: But what I really want to know is: Did you jostle anyone? > Joe, Ryan, John, > Me, Legolas and Carolyn. MIKE: And in case you forgot the cast, here they are again! TOM: I dunno. That many characters might get in the way of the quips. CROW: You're still expecting something after their table talk? > "What's that?" Legolas asked, "what did he say > when I said what's that?" Legolas continued. CROW: Now here's some intriguingly subtle commentary on the dubiousness of starting in the middle versus the dangers of starting earlier! TOM: If still aggravating. > I put a hand over his mouth > as he started to ask something else. CROW: [Crystal] He immediately shattered every bone in my arm for that. Touchy! > "Shh I'll answer your questions > after the movie if you're still confused." MIKE: Or just have Ryan make his wookiee noise till he shuts up. It seems about the right time for it. CROW: [Legolas] Well, it might help if you explain what a *movie* is.... > A little later I heard > whispering down at the end of the isle TOM: o/~ Juuuuuust sit right back and you'll hear a tale-- o/~ MIKE: No! > then John tapped me on the > shoulder. "What?" I asked startled. CROW: Knowing these guys, maybe they're about to vote her off the "isle." > "Ryan wants to know why they are > playing Star Wars Episode 2." TOM: [Destinygurl] Because it's my story, dammit! MIKE: You know, when even *Ryan* can't believe it... > "It's a five year anniversary," I > answered. CROW: What? Episode II just came out last year! So we're in the future now? TOM: It is the year 2007. After the armageddon, George Lucas has taken over what remains of humanity. Only Crystal and her ragtag youth group can save the world from the terrible onslaught... of Jar-Jar toys... MIKE: Jean-Claude Van Damme *IS* Legolas in FUTURE CYBORG TERMINATOR NINJA 3! > "Ahh... ok I'll tell Ryan." John said relaying the message. TOM: Thrill as the cast plays the classic game, Telephone! CROW: [John, whispering to Carolyn] Crystal says it's a five deer anniversary, pass it on. TOM: [Carolyn, to Joe] Crystal says it's a five ear university, pass it on. MIKE: [Joe, to Ryan] Pistol says it's a fine beer fraternity. CROW: [Ryan] The hell?! > "Crystal...Who's tha-" Legolas asked loudly. I put my hand over his mouth > *again* "Whisper." I hissed. MIKE: So maybe, *maybe,* she wouldn't like us if she knew us... CROW: Don't jinx it. > Legolas nodded, "Who's that?" he whispered, > "I didn't catch his name." CROW: He's a Woozle, and his name is Peanut. > "Count Dooku" I said MIKE: Count Chocula's evil big brother. CROW: He is the Walrus. TOM: Dooku-ca-choo. MIKE: [Legolas] I feel as if I ought to know him... TOM: [miserable] Me too--I'm having "Castle of Fu Manchu" flashbacks! > still trying to pay > attention to the movie. At 10:00 we left the theatre TOM: ...You realize that could be as close as we'll get to seeing another Lord of the Rings character in this? MIKE: Well, you never know. She could be a "Matrix" fan, too. > and even though it > was late we decided to wander around outside for a while longer. As we > walked along Legolas noticed the big planters beside the railings that > had signs on them saying 'Danger Keep Off' and of course Legolas, being > Legolas had to ask, TOM: [Legolas] Should I kill you slowly to prolong your suffering, or quickly to end *my* suffering? > "Why do those planters say danger keep off?" MIKE: [Legolas] And how the hell am I able to read them? > I started to answer but Ryan cut me off. "Because that's where the doors > to the oompa loop command centres are," Ryan answered, TOM: Under a planter?! MIKE: Hey, Dr. F hid an escape pod in a box of Hamdingers. Those wacky mad scientists will think of anything. > "oompa loompas > are trying to take over Vancouver see there's their death ray over > there." CROW: [Legolas] Okay, get this psycho away from me or I start goring people! > Ryan finished pointing to the radio tower on top of the > revolving restaurant. CROW: They're hoping to hijack the antenna and use it to broadcast an infinite loop of t.A.t.U. singles until the entire population hurls themselves over the falls to their deaths. > We all laughed at this MIKE: Ha-ha! Paranoid delusions are fun! > and this time Legolas > joined in because he finally got why oompa loompas are so funny to us. TOM: [chuckling] The reason? There *is* none! CROW: Actually, he's just playing along until you drop your guard. MIKE: [Legolas, under his breath] Once I find the rest of my brain, YOU... ALL... DIE!! > At 10:45 we caught the skytrain home. About halfway home I zoned out CROW: [Crystal] ...30,000 acres of light residential areas, giving room for my Sim Town to grow! > of the conversation MIKE: ...as you appear to have zoned out of reality... > and started to sing softly to myself. MIKE: [Legolas] And who would that be, Miss Crystal? CROW: [Crystal] That'd be [seductively] Barry White. [Crow makes kissing sounds] > "What are you > singing?" Joe asked, apparent ally TOM: As opposed to hidden back alley. > I had been singing louder than I > thought. MIKE: Oh, here we *go*. TOM: Mary-Sue powers, activate! > "It- it's nothing." I stammered. "Let's hear it." John said. I > shook my head. "Oh come on Crystal we know you can sing we have all > heard you, ALL: YES! WE! HAVE! A THOUSAND FRIGGING TIMES! TOM: Yeesh, she's reaching Streisand levels of ego-inflation. CROW: *Mecha*-Streisand! > remember when you sang silent night and o Christmas tree in > front of the whole church." CROW: [Crystal] Damn it John, why do you always bring that up? Why don't you just tell Legolas how my dress ripped down the front! TOM: Oh, for the simple incoherence of a Thinkerfic... > Ryan said. "Yes I know I could sing then but > that was five years ago." I tried to worm my way out of this thing I had > gotten into. CROW: [Crystal] I've taken up smoking since then! *cough, hack* > "That's not going to work" Legolas put in, "I heard you > sing just the other day and you can sing very well." "FINE, fine. MIKE: [Crystal] I'll bless you subhumans with my godlike song. > I'll sing, trying to compete against all of you is hard." I gave in and > started MIKE: And thus ends this chapter's first paragraph. TOM: And we get a *song* to celebrate! ALL: NOOOOOOOOO!!! TOM: [Breaks into sobs] MIKE: Damn you, Destinygurl! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!! PEARL: [offscreen] Make a note, Brain Guy: Song lyrics = Pain. OBSERVER: Already noted. > There was a song MIKE: o/~ ... that doesn't end, it just goes on and on, my friends-- o/~ BOTS: NO! STOP!!! AAAAAHHHH!!!! > that I heard you singin' CROW: Something about an "achy, breaky heart." > > It made me feel so light in my feet TOM: Light in your loafers? > > And under your breath you whispered a name MIKE: Chthulu? TOM: Voldemort? CROW: Mark David Chapman? ALL: [as if aroused] Oh, Mariah! Mariah! > > A name like a prayer so gentle and sweet MIKE: "Henry Kissinger." > > I heard you cryin' in the moonlight TOM: I could tell because it sounds totally different from when you cry in the dark. CROW: Did this become a Heart song all of a sudden? > > Were they tears of joy or pain ALL: PAIN! > > Maybe your cup was just overflowin' ALL: EEEWWW!!! > > Maybe it's all the same > > Maybe it's all the same CROW: AAAAUUGH!!! IT'S HAPPENING *AGAIN!!!!* Will the space-time continuum ever give us a break, for once? TOM: Sheesh, Crow... it's just the song... > > > > Of all the thing that move me to wonder TOM: Like velcro and marzipan and Green River phosphates and the whole boyband phenomenon... > > Some things can touch me rapt unto stone MIKE: I think her name was "Medusa." > > And all the delusions that I live under CROW: That this story is good, that the real Legolas wouldn't have killed you all by now, that making half your story out of song lyrics was a good idea, that anyone knows what the Heck Ramsey is going on here, etcetera, etcetera... > The storm cannot last as I've always known > > And still of a lifetime I face the morning > > The sun always rises that cannot change > > If I have nothing that makes me a rich man TOM: [Tevye] o/~ Deedle deedle diddle diddle deedle dum o/~ > Maybe it's all the same CROW: This *fanfic's* all the same...one long nightmare of banality. > > Maybe it's all the same TOM: Maybe it's all inane. CROW: Maybe I'll go insane. MIKE: Or shove a stake through my brain. > > > > I cannot say in one song ALL: We're so screwed! > > All that I have seen CROW: [Crystal] So I'll sing five more! MIKE & TOM: NOOOOOO!!! > > Yet what I've seen is nothing MIKE: It's easy to say nothing in a song. Britney Spears does it all the time. > > Compared to what will be MIKE: Is that a veiled threat? > > > > Sing me the song that sounds like that a prayer ALL: [Monty Python monks] o/~ Pie Iesu domine... dona eis requiem o/~ [*THWACK!*] > > Draw your breath softly whisper is neat > > Spread out your arms and dance 'round the shadows ALL: O/~ AND GET DOWN TONIGHT! O/~ > > A life returns like a moth to the fleet TOM: Attention on deck! Welcome aboard, Admiral hawk moth! > > A bittersweet lesson is the one best remembered TOM: Bittersweet chocolate makes the best cookies! > > A moral's a moral from wherever it came > > Faith is a constant and shadows are fickle > > Maybe it's all the same > > Maybe it's all the same CROW: YES! YES! IT'S! ALL! THE! SAME! JUST! LIKE! YOU! ALREADY! TOLD! US! MIKE: Maybe the song is stuck. TOM: It is, and it sucks. Next topic. > > (Johnny and the Stickmen, TOM: Nice to know they're getting work after The Blair Witch Project... MIKE: Wow, Johnny and the Stickmen! Man, those guys are so... > Retro) CROW: ... MIKE: Guys, I swear I'm not doing this on purpose! TOM: Suuure, suuuuuuuuuuuure... Crystal. CROW: Or do you prefer "Destinygurl"? MIKE: Look, guys, I *swear* that I'm not the author! TOM: [mimes tossing away a cigarette] You, you. Hold him. [Crow and Tom dogpile Mike and pin him up against the wall. They begin screaming questions at him rapidfire.] TOM: Where were you on the night of October 28th? CROW: What did you have to do with the biased representation of Norfolk in the polls, and how? TOM: When were you responsible for the death of Chicago? CROW: Why did you singlehandedly take over South America? TOM: What is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything? CROW: Which of the bomps in the bomp-shee-bomp-shee-bomp were you personally responsible for? TOM: What are the flavors at Baskin Robbins? CROW: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? TOM: The children! My god, what about the children! BOTS: AND WHAT ABOUT SCARECROW'S BRAIN!?! MIKE: [exasperated] ... *WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT*?!? CROW: I... see. So ya wanna play... tough... do ya? Well all right, punk, you get off the hook this time. But rest assured, I'll be watchin' you. That's right, we'll all be watching you. [Crow and Tom release Mike, who all go back to their seats.] PEARL: [over intercom] Okay, they are *definitely* cracking now. > > > "That was great" John complimented. "Thanks now don't ask me to sing > again." I finished. Once we got to King George Station we went our > separate ways." MIKE: [Crystal] It was sad leaving Carolyn behind, but we agreed I'd moved beyond her and it wasn't working anymore. > See you guys tomorrow at church," I called. TOM: Yeah, it does seem about the right time to ask for absolution. MIKE: Let's just get out of here, you guys... and try to forget, somehow... [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge. Crow is busily taking apart the space-time dimensional machine with a really huge mallet. Mike and Tom look on.] MIKE: Whew... glad that's over with. It's nice to know that Crow's finally learned his lesson about the fragility of the space-time continuum. TOM: I guess the Spielburgian revisionist censorship really did him in. MIKE: But knowing Crow, he'll probably be back next week with another hare- brained scheme to alter the fundamental structure of reality... TOM: Hey, Mike... speaking of schemes, don't you think that part in the fanfic about the Oompa-Loompas taking over earth was a little *odd*? MIKE: The whole story's "a little odd". What's your point? TOM: But it made absolutely no point in the whole story, Mike! It must have some purpose, some meaning! What if the Oompa-Loompas really *are* planning an invasion of Earth and Destinygurl stuck in that total non- sequitur of a scene to warn us of the upcoming holocaust? MIKE: You're going to trust an author who thinks boys making pig noises in restaurants is funny? TOM: Maybe the Oompa-Loompas got to her first, and she's been reduced to a mere shell of a writer forced to crank out horrible fanfiction to appease her diminuitive overlords! MIKE: Okay, okay, just relax, Tom. Oompa-Loompas are *not* going to take over earth, and I know someone who can put all your fears aside. [to camera] Cambot, put Willy Wonka on the hexfield! [The hexfield opens, and a strange little man appears, with orange skin and green hair, wearing a brown shirt, white overalls and a red beret. He looks suspiciously like Bill Corbett playing another off-the-wall role...] KORGOTH: I am Korgoth, Phantom Dictator of Chocolate Factory Zero-zero-one! Who dares disturb me? MIKE: Hi, Korgoth! Is Willy Wonka around? KORGOTH: I'm afraid our Oppressor is a little... indisposed at the moment. Or should I say, decomposed? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! TOM: Um, Mike.... KORGOTH: Needless to say, we have overthrown the shackles of our bondage, and you might say we're taking the Oompa-Loompas to a whole new direction! MIKE: Just answer me this one question, Korgoth. Are you or are you not going to take over the world? That's all we need to know, and then we'll kindly leave you alone... KORGOTH: *gasp* How did you know? I bet Destinygurl tipped you off, didn't she? TOM: I knew it, I knew it!!! But all I want to know is--why? KORGOTH: Because of our innate moral superiority. We feel that once you accept our rule of law, you will go far. And possibly live in happiness, too. MIKE: But how do you propose to do that? I mean, you're so... um... small... KORGOTH: Silence, human! We will conquer the earth the same way we have always conquered our adversaries... we will lure your world leaders to our chocolate factory and dispatch them in humiliatingly ironic ways! MIKE: But how will you manage to get all the world leaders into the chocolate factory? And won't everybody notice that all the world leaders are missing after they don't come out of the chocolate factory? KORGOTH: Very well, I guess we are left with no other option. We will proceed to Plan B: Singing songs about a person's real or perceived moral failings until they submit to our domination! Ha ha ha ha ha--hey wait a minute, you're Mike Nelson, right? On the Satellite of Love? MIKE: Um... yeah... I guess... KORGOTH: [Picks up a sheet of paper] Looks like you're next on our list to be conquered! Don't worry, our conquest will be swift--and brutal. Hit it, boys! [The hexfield fills with a chorus of Oompa-Loompas, voices poised for battle.] CHORUS: o/~ Oompa loompa doopity doo, I've got another puzzle for you. Oompa loompa doopity dee, If you are wise you'll listen to me. o/~ TENOR OOMPA: o/~ What do you get when you're bland as a rock? o/~ BASS OOMPA: o/~ Sometimes you show less emotion than Spock! o/~ TENOR OOMPA: o/~ You get perturbed at the things your bots do o/~ TENOR & BASS: o/~ But did it ever... occur... to... you... o/~ CHORUS: o/~ Your bots are... your bots are... your bots are... YOUR BOTS ARE... YOUR BOTS ARE MORE INTERESTING! o/~ CHORUS: o/~ Oompa loompa doopity dah, If you showed "feeling", you would go far. You might live in happiness too, Like the Oompa-Loompa doopity doo! o/~ KORGOTH: Ha ha ha! Now I see your will is broken! I will now conquer your-- MIKE: So I'm bland, huh? I'm not quite sure what to feel about that... KORGOTH: Damn you, Mike Nelson! Your defenses are inpenetrable! You may have withstood the might of the Oompa-Loompas this time, but I'll be watching you! And whenever you commit a shameful moral blunder, I'll be there..... [Hexfield closes.] TOM: That was great, Mike! Now I know that the Oompa-Loompas are nothing to worry about! In fact, if I see an Oompa-Loompa invasion force marching up the street, I can just kick them in their little shins! MIKE: [staring blankly into space] So... I'm.... *bland*... CROW: [turning towards Mike and Tom] Glad that's over with. That machine won't be bothering us anymore... geez, what's with the space case over there? MIKE: [emotionless] I... always... assumed... I... was... a... fun... and... exciting... guy... TOM: Darn... looks like his shell of obliviousness lasted just long enough to repel the Oompa-Loompas... CROW: Oh, deal with it, Vanillson! You're as bland as a block of Wisconsin Mild Cheddar! TOM: Crow, you're not helping! [sidling up to Mike] Mike, don't listen to them... would you really take advice from people who buy their clothes at the toddler section of Wal-Mart? MIKE: [staccato] But... they... had... a... catchy... song... it's... like... they... could... see... right... through... me... TOM: *sigh* Mike, honey, baby... I know it might be a little hypocritical coming from *me*, but you can't take this too seriously. Those were just words, Mike, *words*! Lord knows we've dealt with enough of those! CROW: Yeah, Mike, even if you are a passionless Midwestern rube, we still like you! I mean, without you, who would we show up time and time again? Who would we *confuse* with our urbane, sophisticated robot wit? And who would we continuously *annoy* with our zany antics? MIKE: [deadpan] I... think... you... might... [turning to Crow, face slowly grimacing with rage] ...need a good head start, you filthy robot! [Mike runs towards Crow, arms extended in the classic "Why You Little" choking stance. Crow emits a high-pitched yelp as he dashes offstage to the right. Mike leaps offstage in hot pursuit.] TOM: Gee... so much for the *gentle* approach to psychotherapy... *sigh* We'll be right back. [Tom exits stage right. Cambot pans over to the smashed pile of metallic debris that used to be Crow's fictional universe dimensional space-time gizmo and lingers on the scene for a second or two. As the scene fades to black, a sharp-eyed observer might see a slight bending of a metal sheet, or hear a very faint hum or a rustling sound... but maybe you just imagined it...] TO BE CONTINUED... (((((((( END OF PART 3 -- Other parts coming soon! ))))))))) All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. "Lord of the Rings" and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "E. T. The Extra Terrestrial" is copyright (c) 1982, 2002 Universal City Studios, Inc., and Amblin Entertainment. "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory", Oompa-Loompas (TM), and all related characters and situations are property of the Roald Dahl estate and copyright (c) 1971 Wolper Pictures Ltd. and Quaker Oats Company. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl, and she's welcome to it. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. And for more information on how you can help an Oompa-Loompa near you, go to http://www.oompa-loompas.net today! Last update: 5 July 2003 - Send comments to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com ----- > "Downtown Vancouver is where our concept of oompa loompas, on the walkways > outside Canada Place."