MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Chapters 4-6 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, His Majesty the God-Emperor, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey Missed Part 1? Catch the ongoing "Legolas" saga at: http://www.geocities.com/rivercityrandom [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > > 4. The Storm Grows > > Disclaimer: You know to saying. TOM: Well, I know saying, but what's "to saying?" > Me no own, you no sue CROW: Daylight come and me wan' go home! > equals happy > days for us all. MIKE: Captain Cave Man, meet the Fonz! CROW: Me no read make me much happier. TOM: [Destinygurl] English make me head hurt. > > A few fitful hours of sleep later I woke with a start TOM: [Crystal] Dah, cheerleading practice! > and seeing > Carolyn awake I got up. CROW: Come *ON!* She's daring us now! MIKE: I said "no," dear. > The wind was howling worse that ever and > seeing as we both hate the wind TOM: Awww--maybe the wind wouldn't howl so badly if you gave it more love. > I figured that we wouldn't get much more sleep. TOM: [Crystal] Just then, two riders were approaching. What that had to do with anything is beyond me. CROW: This is the set up to so many lemons... MIKE: ...Which you will not repeat. CROW: True dat. > We sat and talked for a while about how Legolas got here. CROW: So elves don't give birth like other mammals? Was he dropped off by aliens? MIKE: [Carolyn] Look, I just don't believe you summoned him with your Care Bears lunchbox! > "I don't know maybe it was a power surge and the TV did not know what > to do with it so it just spat out the thing that was on the screen." CROW: She gives that TV a lot of credit... MIKE: Man, and the most that ever happens with me is a blown picture tube. TOM: Scientists have been working around the clock to perfect or even begin on the art of universal transportation, and all this time it only took a TV and a malfunctioning circuit breaker. Who knew? MIKE: Just be glad that they weren't watching WILL AND GRACE at the time. ALL: *shudder* > "Interesting theory Carolyn CROW: [Crystal] Puh-leeze, that's so lame, it sounds like something from a lousy fanfic! TOM: It does explain the diversity of species in the world, but what about the geologic column? Where are all the intermediate forms? Tell me!!! > but I don't... Shh!" I finished "Did you > hear that" TOM: We damn sure did! > "Hear what" CROW: Hear a bunch of people talking all at once? TOM: Or one person talking in very short bursts? MIKE: Or maybe it was the sound of our suspension of disbelief breaking... > Carolyn asked indignant CROW: Well, *somebody* knows how to use a thesaurus. > that she didn't get to > hear the rest of my comment. TOM: Yes, everything must revolve around *you*, mustn't it! *YOU*! You you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you YOU! > "Shh... It sounded like someone bumping the door to the rec room." TOM: That door makes its own unique sound when bumped. MIKE: [Crystal] Gaaaaaa! Tom Sullivan's come back to get us! Run!!! > I took my flashlight and shone it in the > general direction of the noise nearly blinding a slightly dishevelled > Legolas. TOM: And scaring the poor little fella half out of his head! CROW: [Crystal, badly dubbed] Watch out! It's a monster! MIKE: Already did that one, Crow. CROW: ...Oh. Oh yeah, right. [Crystal] Alright, punk, freeze! Okay, up against the wall! Spread 'em! [MIKE glares blackly at CROW.] CROW: What? *WHAT*? > "Don't sneak up on us like that" I yelled more relived MIKE: Ahhhh! It's the Night of the Reliving Dead! > than mad CROW: ...tha hell? You shine a strange light on an unsuspecting elf, when they probably haven't ever seen one and you have the *nerve* to tell *them* not to sneak up on *you*? Sheesh! The hospitality in this story sucks! > and more softly I asked "What are you doing down here is my bed > not comfortable?" MIKE: [Crystal] Need more blankets not enough pillows do you like pie? TOM: It really *is* all about her, isn't it? > "No, TOM: [Legolas] There's no mint on my pillow. > no your bed is very comfortable TOM: [Legolas] Crystal oko-sama, CROW: [Legolas] Especially the nice pleasure devices--what do you call them? [There is a pause. MIKE swells to immense proportions, glows green, and uber- backhands CROW across the theater.] THE INCREDIBLE MIKE: MIKE SMAAAASH! TOM: HOLY LIVING GOD... CROW: Owy... pain... hurt... owy... TOM: *What* the *hell*... MIKE: Crow? Why are you lying on your back all the way over there? CROW: [groaning and climbing back into his seat] No idea... ugh... [MIKE shrugs and goes back to watching the fic. TOM stares at MIKE in confused shock.] > it's just that I'm not used to such high winds they make me uneasy" MIKE: [Legolas] And you don't have a night-light. I'm-a scared. TOM: [Legolas] And I think there's monsters in your closet. Can I sleep with you guys tonight? CROW: [Legolas] And why is there a rock hard pea beneath your mattress? MIKE: Legolas - Crown Prince of Pansies. > he answered > quickly. "MmmHmm" Carolyn mused sympathetically then getting my nod > of approval MIKE: Looks like Carolyn must bow to the orders of the Head Mary Sue. > said "Come here you CROW: [Carolyn] Burnin' hunk o' elf prince you... TOM: Ah, I see *you* got better quickly. CROW: [cheerfully] Thanks for noticing! [TOM face-faults.] > can sit with us and talk we don't > much like the wind either so we won't get anymore sleep anyways." TOM: They talk like the wind. Long-winded...get it? > "Just," I put in, "Don't fall asleep on us again." TOM: [Legolas] Well, don't talk about boring stuff then! > Carolyn and I burst out laughing. "What" Legolas asked puzzled. This just > made us laugh harder. TOM: [Crystal] We find your confusion at your suddenly being catapulted into the modern world all the more amusing when you fail to understand our humour! > After waiting out our hysteric giggling a very confused > Legolas asked again "what's so funny?" TOM: Yes, girls, what *is* so flipping funny? MIKE: [Carolyn] Well, not Jim Bruer, that's for sure. > "Well for one thing" Carolyn > started, "for humans late at night everything is funny TOM: Well, that would explain the popularity of Conan O'Brien... CROW: And that also explains when this scene was written. > you should see it, it's hilarious when we stay up all night someone > sneezes and you start laughing hysterically." CROW: [Legolas] Ah hah hah, ah hah hah hah....*breaks into sobs* MIKE: [Carolyn] Oh no wait, I'm sorry, that's Martians, not humans. TOM: You're all high, aren't you, Crystal? > "N-E-Way MIKE: [cheerful] Enn-ee-hoo! TOM: There she goes using that secret code or whatever it is. CROW: English teachers round the world are lining up on the balconies of tall buildings. > back to the main point" MIKE: *Nothing* in this story leads back to the main point! TOM: There's a main point? > I said glaring at Carolyn. TOM: I thought she'd find that funny myself. MIKE: Maybe she *did.* > "Earlier tonight when we were sitting in my > living room and talking you fell asleep in the middle of a > conversation CROW: [Crystal] Which happens to us a lot, now that I think about it. > and we didn't notice because you sleep with your eyes > open." CROW: [Carolyn] And for some reason, that's jaw-droppingly hilarious! Bwahaha! TOM: [Legolas] Well, since I'm an *elf*, and don't know anything about myself, I'll take your word for it! > The elf blushed deeply, which made us start laughing again TOM: Which snapped Legolas back into character, which made him realize what a moron he was being, and cheerfully slaughtered them. > because we had never seen an elf blush. MIKE: [Crystal] Seen one scratch his butt though. CROW: Just how many elves have these girls seen anyway? Is their television set constantly spewing out elven warriors from various works of fiction? > Usually elf composure gets > the best of them but this time it was just too much for him first > admitting that he was uneasy (scared) about the wind MIKE: Tha hell? Destiny? Either it's a fanfic or a thesaurus... make up your God damn mind! CROW: Yes, thank you, author, for we could not have determined the meaning of the word "uneasy" without *you*! > to a pair of 18-year-old girls CROW: Who act 14? TOM: Who *are* 14, but want to be a healthy, legal 18? > and then falling asleep in front of them. > Punt! MIKE: The Mad Punter has struck again! TOM: And it's a forty-yarder. The returner makes the fair catch. CROW: Legolas fair catches at the five! What the heck was he thinking?!? TOM: [Crystal] Let's play a little game I like to call... PUNT THE ELF! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! CROW: [Legolas] Mommy... > Elf > composure out the window. MIKE: [football announcer] And the Elf composure's caught by Aragorn, who fumbles ... it's intercepted by Elrond! He's at the 40! The 30! The 20! He could go all the way! > Finally even Legolas started laughing CROW: [Legolas] I think I'll go mad. See if that helps. > he > was just understanding how humans could find anything funny so late > at night. TOM: [Crystal] That or the laughing gas we were pumping into the room was finally having an effect. > We laughed long and hard and I think that is when the true > friendship started, TOM: Between Legolas and cocaine. > there in my basement at 3:30am. MIKE: So mark the calendar! TOM: [Crystal] It ended a millisecond later when Legolas plunged a knife into my neck. > We eventually quieted down and sat in silence thinking about all that had > happened over the past 6 hours. Just being in each other's presence was > soothing and one by one we fell asleep Legolas on the floor, Carolyn on > the Hide-A-Bed and me on the couch. MIKE: How gracious. She makes the guest sleep on the floor. TOM: [Crystal] Moron! The hard floor is way too good for you! You deserve to sleep in a paper bag in a septic tank! > About half an hour later there was a huge gust of wind. CROW: It had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the plot of this fanfic. Moving on... TOM: [mistified] ...*Plot*? CROW: Yes, Servo, this has a plot. ...Somewhere... > WHOOSH! CRACK! SLAM! CROW: The new EXTREME Rice Krispies sounds! TOM: EXTREEEME Rice Krispies! MIKE: Here we go again... > Carolyn hid under the > covers and I screamed TOM: A shot rang out! CROW: A door slammed! MIKE: A pirate ship appeared on the horizon! > jumping onto Legolas. TOM: Crushing his spine in the process! CROW: [Legolas] AAH, MY SEVENTH THORACIC VERTEBRA! > (Even he looked worried). MIKE: He must have read the script for what comes next. CROW: I would be too, if a rabid fangirl jumped in my lap. TOM: [Legolas] Aaahhh! She's on top of me! Cooties! Help! Help! > I screamed not in fear but CROW: [Crystal] In ecstasy, as-- THE INCREDIBLE MIKE: MIKE *SMAAAAAASH*! CROW: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! [*crunch*] ...Ouchers... Ouchers... Ouchers... TOM: ...Well, this is slightly more unusual than normal... > because I knew what had happened. MIKE: They ran out of photograph paper? CROW: The Lakers had won their fourth N.B.A. title, giving Phil Jackson one more ring than Red Auerbach? TOM: They wound up in a Sixties Adam West TV show? CROW: A horde of rabid Lord of the Rings fans descended upon the house to rescue Legolas and take revenge on these crazy girls? TOM: *sigh* If only... > > > CROW: Oh! The suspense is... in some other fanfic. > I was shaking so badly and I didn't want to get up because once I > did I would have to go outside and check the damage. TOM: [Crystal] Oh, I knew I shouldn't have spent the insurance money on N'Sync plushies! > "Shh, it's ok." > Legolas said sitting up and taking me into his arms. CROW: Well, he's getting awful cozy with these people he just tried to kill a few hours ago. MIKE: I'm glad she pointed out the girls are eighteen. > "No it's not." I > said from his chest. CROW: [Voice from chest] Somebody's poisoned the water hole! MIKE: Okay... so she got one thing right about the situation, right guys? [The bots nod.] TOM: That's some ventriloquism act she's got going there. CROW: Now let's see if she can make him talk out of his... MIKE: ...Ear. CROW: You're no fun. > "Do you know what happened?" "No what?" Legolas > said getting more worried by the second. CROW: But she *has* to let go soon, right? > "A branch came through the roof" CROW: And she saw that all the way down in the basement? Not buying it! TOM: I guess she knows that through *ESP*.... MIKE: [Legolas] Hey, *I'm* the elf with preternatural powers, here, sister! > I said close to tears. TOM: Well, at least now she's got an excuse for the lamp. > < I wasn't really close to tears I just > didn't know how to say I was really scared any suggestions> MIKE: Say "I was really scared?" TOM: Gee... How 'bout "I was really scared?" CROW: [screaming] Oh, I don't know... WHY DON'T YOU JUST SAY "I WAS REALLY SCARED?" GRRRRRR... [something clicks] HOLD IT! [The text scrawls to a halt.] CROW: She's saying...she's saying that this...this festering pile of incomprehensibilities, this home to Mary Sues and moronic characterizations...this all REALLY HAPPENED?! [Steam begins to rise from Crow's head as his rage builds.] CROW: Are we supposed to BELIEVE that an elf REALLY flew out of their TELEVISION SET, INTO THEIR LIVING ROOM?! THAT THIS SIMPERING IDIOT OF AN ESTABLISHED LITERARY CHARACTER TRULY EXISTS?! MIKE: Oh no, not again! TOM: Mike, we've gotta do something! Crow, Crow, pull yourself together! CROW: I can't take it...the asides, the spelling, the utter stupidity...this is just TOO MUCH! [The steam has intensified by this point. Mike grabs Crow by the shoulders and begins shaking him.] MIKE: Get a grip, man! Do you want Pearl to see this?! CROW: [sobbing] I just can't take it Mike, there's just no sense in this fanfi-i-i-ic.... [Crow breaks down into sobs, attempting to hug Mike, though failing due to a lack of functional arms. Mike akwardly pats Crow on the back a few times.] MIKE: There there...hey, I've got some Little Debbie Cakes in the pantry, you can have those and I can get Gypsy to make you some hot cocoa later, okay? CROW: [now down to sniffles] With marshmellows? And white chocolate sprinkles? MIKE: Sure. CROW: [still sniffling] And can you have her put it in my Cookie Monster mug? MIKE: Of course. [Crow leans back in his seat, taking a few more sniffles before returning to normal. The text resumes it's crawl across the screen.] CROW: Thanks Mike...that could have been drastic. MIKE: Any time, pal, any time. TOM: Wuss. CROW: Oh, bite me, Tom "My head explodes at the drop of a hat" Servo! TOM: ... > "Don't > worry it'll be alright" He said giving me a squeeze TOM: Oh Mike, it's turning into a cheesy lemon... [sniffles] > "Ok" I said > getting up "Carolyn come on we need to asses to damage" CROW: [Dr. Mephisto] My friends, you need to leave nature to its one-assed splendor... do you understand this? MIKE and TOM: [Kyle and Stan] Yes, Dr. Mephisto. > I grabbed her arm TOM: At this rate, Carolyn's going to be nothing but a torso by the end of the chapter. > and pulled her off the bed I also grabbed Legolas saying "you're > coming too I'm going to need your climbing skills. MIKE: Yeah. "Climbing skills". I'll bet. CROW: Now this is setting up to be interesting... > When we got > upstairs we tried to find where the branch was. TOM: Oh well, looks like it's protruding from Mom's skull... ho hum... next scene... MIKE: Whew... darkness setting in already, Tom? TOM: Bite me, Nelswan... I'm bitter! > "Oh my gosh." Carolyn whispered when we found it. ALL: *Carolyn*! TOM: Such *language*, you naughty girl! CROW: You should be ashamed of yourself, young lady! There are *minors* present! > > > > It was in my room coming through like a spear right onto the > pillow. CROW: [God] Damn, I missed. MIKE: Of course mentioning the pillow was on the floor six feet away from the bed might remove some of the drama... CROW: Spears... pillows... man, the Freudian symbolism is so overwhelming! MIKE: *sigh* I should have never let you take that online psychology course. TOM: Yeah, Crow, go resolve your Oedipal conflict or something... > Legolas gasped MIKE: [Legolas] *Oh*, I didn't notice the awful colour scheme in here before! > and my breath caught in my throat. "Good thing > you came downstairs," CROW: Easier clean up? > I said quietly squeezing his hand. MIKE: No. CROW: But it's so *easy*-- MIKE: NO. CROW: This is stifling of my freedom of expression! MIKE: You're absolutely right it is. CROW: I despise you, Mike. I just want you to know that. > "C'mon" I > said scrambling up into my closet (that's where the door to the attic > is) CROW: [Crystal] You have to go through Narnia to get to the attic. It's such a pain. > "We have to see if we can pull it out from up here." In the attic > the damage was worse that we expected The branch extended through the > roof and was as thick around as my arm MIKE: Either that's a really thin branch or a really thick girl! CROW: Mmm... Earth Mama! > "Don't touch the walls" MIKE: [Carolyn] They're electrified. TOM: [Crystal, happily] ...that means you'll die! Guwaaaa-haa-haaa!!! > Carolyn warned as Legolas was reaching out to feel the fluffy pink > insulation. CROW: [Legolas, as Homer Simpson] Mmmmmmmmm..... cotton candy! *drool* > "It will make you very itchy and uncomfortable." TOM: Anyone else thinking "social disease"? > He quickly withdrew his hand. CROW: Man, I love these new ATM's! MIKE: A is for anatomy, don't you know? > "Here Carolyn, Legolas" TOM: Which one is it?! Make up your mind! MIKE: Maybe she's handing him to Carolyn? > I said handing them both coats. MIKE: [Legolas] Hey, mine has duckies on it and it's three sizes too small! CROW: [Crystal] Oh, shut up, Elf Boy, unless you want another round with the Harry Potter book! MIKE: [Legolas] I'll be good.... > "We have to go outside to see the damage." MIKE: How different does a broken window look from the outside? > I grabbed > the key to the garage off the hook. TOM: Alright, could anyone please explain to me the inteligence in putting the key to your garage in your attic? [Pause.] Didn't think so. > The rain was coming down in > sheets we were drenched within a few minutes. CROW: Aren't they still in the house? MIKE: [Crystal] Then we remembered to put on our raincoats, then things were okay! > We went into the garage > and got out the ladder. Climbing onto the roof Legolas went and > secured a rope to the vent so we could walk around without falling > and dieing. CROW: [Crystal] o/~ Doodly, doodly, doodly... Oh my God, I'm falling! MIKE: [Carolyn] Wow, she died. > "Wow" Carolyn said and that just about summed up what we > were seeing. TOM: They were seeing an interjection? MIKE/CROW: Far out man/grooooovyyyyy! > It looked like there was a tree growing out of the house. TOM: Than why isn't the house *completely demolished*? > I was close to tears again. CROW: [Crystal, distraught] They delayed the release date of Return of the King! > Struggling to compose myself I > turned to my friends. "With all this rain" I started "it's not safe > to use power tools." TOM: [Legolas] *sniff* Not even your electric knife? MIKE: [Carolyn] Like it's ever safe for you, Madam Butterfingers. CROW: [Crystal] Bite me, Lady Ninefingers! TOM: So she thinks it safe for young adolescent children to use power tools when it ISN'T raining?! CROW: I'm just waiting for the scene were Legolas decapitates himself trying to figure out the chainsaw. > A look of frustration crossed Carolyn's face as > the realization of what I was saying dawned on her. CROW: [Carolyn] Not even battery-operated ones? MIKE: ... > Legolas just > looked confused. MIKE: Because even he was having trouble comprehending the plot. > "Come into the garage and I'll explain there." I > said gingerly making my way to the ladder. TOM: o/~ You can't catch me, I'm the ladder man! o/~ MIKE: What? TOM: [starts to sob] I just don't know anymore, Mike... > I dropped lightly to the > ground just glad to be on terra firma again. CROW: Well, ya know what they say... the firma the ground, the less the terra. > We hurried into the > garage happy to be out of the rain for the moment. "Basic lesson > first" I said not in the mood for games "electricity and water don't > go together TOM: [Crystal] Except when properly liquored up! > if they mix you get electrocuted or in simple terms burnt to a crisp. MIKE: [Legolas] Wh... what's... crisp? CROW: [Crystal] Shut up! No questions! > This is a chain saw CROW: Oooh! > we would use it if it wasn't raining, CROW: Aww... > it cuts really fast but seeing as it's raining we will use this" I > said holding up a handsaw. MIKE: [Legolas] Hmm... I prefer an axe, but this'll do! DIE!!! > We quickly designated jobs. Carolyn (who > didn't really know how to use a handsaw TOM: It's a handsaw! You move it back and forth! CROW: Yeah, even Mike can do that. MIKE: You want some of this, beakbrain? CROW: I got yer butt-kickin' right here, meat puppet. > would be working in my > bedroom trying to cut away the tip CROW: With what? A butter knife? TOM: [Carolyn] Where are you, Legolas? It's time for your "bris"! MIKE: [Legolas] AAAAAAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!! > while Legolas (the strongest one) and I (the one who knows how to use a > handsaw) would be working outside. MIKE: And the attic gets completely ignored. No respect with these dern kidsh... TOM: Yeesh, Carolyn is really being shafted, isn't she? CROW: These two 18-year-old girls have the elf of their dreams appear in their living room and all they do with him is yardwork? I'm losing my faith in humanity. > >************************************** CROW: Sheesh... who gave this load thirty-eight stars? TOM: Probably the same person who liked "The Horrors of Spider Island". MIKE: Doesn't even deserve one-tenth that many! > > 5. GIVE ME COFFEE!!! CROW: Or give me X-Lax! > Disclamer: I don't own Legolas TOM: [Crystal] ...yet. CROW: Mr. Video Camera and Ms. Whip say otherwise, dearie. > *Sings* All I want for Christmas is a > blonde haired Elf. CROW: So *he* can wish you Merry Christmas? MIKE: She got a brown-haired elf and a bottle of peroxide last year, but was not amused. > About two hours later (around 6:00am) we had finally finished. The > 'tree' was cut into firewood TOM: The Bohdi tree! No! CROW: They cut a tree in two hours? Even without the usage of power tools? MIKE: Must be one weak tree... > and we had put numerous tarps over the > holes to stop water from coming in. MIKE: Hey, she's fixing a hole where the rain gets in! TOM: It'll take more than that to keep her mind from wandering. > The sun was just coming up and the rain had lessened. MIKE: It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright sunshine-y day. TOM: Or... will it? Bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha! > "I don't think we will get anymore sleep" I > said, "you guys go dry off and I'll make coffee." MIKE: [Crystal] My skin acts as a shield against moisture. > I chose my sweetest blend CROW: o/~ Oooohhhhhhwooo-oooooohhhhh... the sweetest blend...o/~ > because I wanted to drink it black (to get more energy) MIKE: No, no. For more energy, you want to sweeten it so you can get both the caffeine buzz *and* the sugar buzz. TOM: [sings] I have my coffee and I want to drink it black/I see an elf lord and I want to paint him black... > and also because Legolas probably never had coffee before. TOM: A caffeinated elf? May the Valar save us all. CROW: [Legolas] Coffee? Hell, even I know what THAT is! > I started the coffee maker MIKE: Did I miss something or didn't the power go out a few chapters ago? TOM: I think we missed the scene where Crystal set up her auxiliary generator and Legolas electrocuted himself after he stuck his finger in the socket. > and went to get changed. [CROW leans forward intently.] > A few minutes later CROW: The house was a pile of smoldering embers... > we were sitting at the breakfast table watching the news and it seems we > fared quite well in the scheme of things, CROW: WHAT?!? That's it? You goddamn tease! I *paid* to see nude body pics and lesbian sex, and I aint leavin' until I get what I deserve! Uuuuraaah! [CROW takes repeated beatings to be put down.] > some people got their > houses crushed by trees. MIKE: [Treebeard] That's what they get for pissing off an Ent... hoom hom... TOM: [Crystal] Good thing my big strong plot device was there to protect me! > "Come on Legolas," I urged "drink your > coffee it will make you feel better and less tired." MIKE: [Narrator] drink your coffee it will make you feel better and less tired and have no need for punctuation so you talk like me. > He took a sip > and shuddered "this is awful" MIKE: [Legolas] You switched it with Folger's Crystals, didn't you?! > "Here add some cream and sugar to it" TOM: [Crystal] ...since you're a pansy who can't drink it BLACK! > I handed him the tray, he put a few spoonfuls in, CROW: Nothing like a few spoonfuls of tray with your coffee. > took a sip then > poured most of the container of sugar into his cup. CROW: He drinks coffee like you do, Mike. MIKE: I'd be offended if it weren't true. > ~Oh no he is > going to be sooo hyper~ MIKE: Great. Now he's going to be as stupid AND as hyper as the rest of the cast. TOM: Hyper~? CROW: Anime physics, *activate*! MIKE: Oh, wonderful. *Now* Crystal and Carolyn will be yelling "Baka!" and pulling out huge mallets. I wonder if anything could depress me more. > and just before Carolyn did the same TOM: They can't really both use all the sugar, can they? > I grabbed the sugar container away from her pouring just a little into > her cup. She glared at me "get over it you shouldn't be having that > much sugar" MIKE: [Crystal] But I haven't had any sugar! > "but Legolas put lots in" she retorted glancing CROW: Wow, that really got her ba--huh? TOM: That's Carolyn retorting. The fanfic has its speakers all screwed up! > at > Legolas who was now drinking his coffee with obvious relish. ALL: EEEWWW!!!! CROW: Next thing you know, Crystal'll be making tea with apparent mustard! TOM: Oh, I was thinking more along the lines of hot chocolate with ostensible ketchup! MIKE: Milk with unconcealed mayonnaise for me! > "Legolas has never had coffee before but you drink it almost every day." MIKE: [Crystal] So since his tolerance to caffeine is almost zero compared to yours, it makes sense that he also gets a pound-and- a-half of sugar! CROW: So, it's Legolas's "first time" while Carolyn does it "every day"? TOM: ...Ew. > "Ya I know but that's not fair" Carolyn started to argue, CROW: [Crystal] That does it! Go to your room and don't ever come down again! > but before she > said another word we both glanced at Legolas's chair. He was gone! TOM: The Amazing Disappearing Elf. Thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen. CROW: YES! He's gettin' outta here while he still can! Go, Legolas! Yaaay! > "What? Where'd he go? I screamed. TOM: Ha, she's speaking in stage directions now. MIKE: [elderly man] Elderly man exits...? > As if an answer we both heard > Legolas jumping in the kitchen! CROW: *Heard* him jumping? Does he make the Mario 'boing' sound when he jumps? TOM: Nah, he makes the Six-Million Dollar Man sound. > "Oh No!!" we both said in unison TOM: This line brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department. > as > we both ran up the stairs. CROW: [Crystal/Carolyn] Our beautiful floorboards! MIKE: This is, sadly, becoming a Mary Kate and Ashley movie. > There was Legolas jumping up and down screaming TOM: [Legolas] Hey, this is a great trampoline! CROW: [Carolyn] Legolas, that's the stove. TOM: [Legolas] Oh...that might explain why my feet keep bursting into flames. > something which sounded like " CROW: ...the first line of Prince's 'When Doves Cry'. TOM: [falsetto] o/~ Dig if you will a picture... o/~ > SPATULA... CROW: Shindig... Hullabaloo... Gabardine... Tuberculosis! TOM: The "Bulbous Bouffant" sketch, ladies and gentlemen! > HEHEEHEHHEEHEH EH>>...SPOORRKKNNNNN! TOM: AAAAHH! He's snapped! He's a rogue elf--he's got the mange! MIKE: The Tick! The Tick's here to save the day! Well, almost. CROW: [Legolas] HEHNEHEHHEH! I AM LEGHOLIO!!! > We both guessed it was the coffee. MIKE: [Crystal] Or it could've been the 'shrooms I added for flavor... CROW: Or the weasel down his pants. TOM: Well, you *do* claim to be smarter than he, you tell us! MIKE: Awwww, lay off her, Servo. TOM: Bite me! > "This could take a while, " I said to Carolyn. TOM: [Crystal] Sounds like Legolas needs some T.P. for his bunghole. > " oh ya!" Carolyn replied. [Mike pulls a remote out of his jumpsuit, aims it at the screen, and pushes a button.] > Just then we both broke into fits of laughter CROW: Butchering a beloved literary character's fun, isn't it? > as Legolas tried to eat the spoon! " OWW MY TEETH ...STUPID > CHOCOLATE!!!!" he screamed. MIKE: Who knew coffee made elves stupid? CROW: Suddenly, it seems the Mormons' law against coffee is starting to make sense... > "Legolas that's not-" before I could > finish he interrupted and started about cooking! " I CAN > COOOKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!...I'LL COOK SOMETHING FOR YOU!!!!!!! CROW: Iron Chef Legolas is making stir-fried lembas wrapped in mallorn leaves with a side order of orc tentacles and cram. > WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!!!!" he hollered as he pushed us into the other room. [Mike pushes the button again.] > "We shouldn't let him be in there alone" I said to Carolyn as we were > trying to catch our breath from laughing at him. [Pause.] TOM: Wha... wah... wuh... That... That was... That was a... coincidence, surely... CROW: So, just to recap... Two nearly jailbait girls are laughing at the prince of Mirkwood. MIKE: Yes. CROW: The elf prince of Mirkwood who tried to cold-heartedly murder them on sight nine hours ago. MIKE: Yes. CROW: They are laughing at him. MIKE: Yes. CROW: There is no god. MIKE: Yes. CROW: You are not listening to a single word I have been saying. MIKE: No. [Crow squints suspiciously at Mike, who continues watching the fic aloof.] > "Uh oh what's that > noise??? " Carolyn screamed over the noise. TOM: So, which of the noises is concerning us? CROW: Crystal, think about this. Do you really WANT TO KNOW? > We were about to get up and go into the kitchen he came running out. > "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" MIKE: Uh oh, looks like Legolas just discovered Martha Stewart. TOM: 64 H's. And 6 A's. That'd be more of a sigh than a scream, wouldn't it? CROW: And not a single mark of punctuation. TOM: Well, he used so many in the last few lines that he must be running out now. > he screamed at the top of his lungs. MIKE: [Legolas] Enrique Iglesias is on Larry King Live! > He ran and hid behind us pushing us into the kitchen. TOM: [Yossarian] The walls! The walls! MOVE BACK THE WALLS!! > " SPOONS HAVE GOOONE CRAAAZY!!" TOM: [gravely] The whereabouts of The Tick are unknown. CROW: [Crystal, sniffing the sugar bowl] Oops, gave him the heroin by mistake! > he said in panic. CROW: [Legolas] They just declared martial law and started looting the pantry! Now they're trying to get Betty Crocker Day instituted as a national holiday! > " Don't worry " we reassured him. CROW: [Crystal] So have we! Woo hooooooo!!! Stupid elf... I feel... wooonderfuuuul! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! > As we slowly walked into > the kitchen we covered our ears, the noise was to loud and teddy > barking wasn't helping! He had stuck all the spoons into the blender > with some golden grahams. TOM: Ah, so *that's* how they cram all that graham! > As the blender swirled and bounced off the counter CROW: It's a bouncing baby blender. > spoons were flying out of it. It was like an episode of "spoons gone bad" TOM: o/~ Bad spoon, bad spoon! What ya' gonna do! o/~ CROW: Man, Fox is really scraping the bottom of the barrel for reality-show ideas... MIKE: Fox - proudly reaching for the lowest common denominator since 1989! > We ran out and told Legolas to stay out. TOM: [Legolas] D'you mean it? Huh? Do you really? > Carolyn > and I ran in the kitchen and UN plugged the blender MIKE: Despite strong opposition from France and Germany. TOM: Resolution 2552 clearly stated "immediate and complete disarmament of spoons and graham crackers" or the blender faced "serious consequences". > and burst into > fits of laughter! MIKE: [Crystal] Hee-hee! Watching elves go mental is fun! > "Great meal huh? " MIKE: [Crystal] When my mom finds out what we did to her kitchen... *BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHA*! > Carolyn said. I could hardly > breath. Finally after 10 minutes we caught our breath and suddenly > realize that it was all quiet. " This cant be TOM: --possible, with those two girls in the house. Not to mention the yappy dogs. > good," I said to > Carolyn. We dropped everything and ran into the other rooms. CROW: All of them? At once? > We found Legolas in my bedroom playing around with my Stuffed animals. ALL: Aaaah! CROW: Please Mike? It's just ASKING me to! A scene like that deserves a nice, dirty joke! MIKE: Crow, you've hit your quota for the next five chapters, I think. TOM: [sobbing] Mike, poor Legolas! What is she doing to him? What did he do to deserve this? CROW: It's horrible, horrible. Destinygurl must be Sauron himself! MIKE: Easy guys, we'll make it through. This isn't the real Legolas, remember that. Has this character done or said *anything* even *remotely* like the real Legolas? TOM: Hey, you're right, Mike! For all we know Legolas could be a really popular name these days... CROW: Yeah... hehehe... that... really helped, Mike. MIKE: Good. Now let's rip into it! > We just stood in the doorway cracking up! TOM: o/~ They're coming to take me away, ha-HA! o/~ > He grabbed my stuffed Odie (as in > Garfield and Odie) TOM: And here I thought it was an Oedipus plushie from the Sophocles collection. MIKE: What, she can explain an obvious reference like Garfield but not one like "Spoons Gone Bad?" Sheesh! > and started making a really funny noise. " [Crow opens his mouth but doesn't speak; only an odd tone like that of a test of the Emergency Broadcast System is heard.] MIKE: Okay, you can stop that now. > FFPPZZSSSFC" CROW: His seal's cracked! He's gonna blow! MIKE: Elvish... such a beautiful language. > he screamed and threw Odie at the window. CROW: Gee, too bad her Odie toy was made of concrete! TOM: [Legolas] Hey, it won't stick to the window! What gives? > Carolyn and I were laughing our heads off at the doorway! MIKE: [Crystal] Forget elf boy, this doorway is hysterical! CROW: [Carolyn] I never thought red mahogany could be so entertaining! > He then grabbed all the > Stuffed animals he could and shoved us out of the way and ran down > the stairs. MIKE: [Legolas] Beanie Babies! Mint! Rare! And they're mine! All mine!!! > Grabbing onto our stomachs TOM: What, did they fall off too? MIKE: Random body parts are trying to escape the fanfic now. > we ran downstairs as fast as > we could. There he sat all the Stuffed animals around, he spoke to > all the Stuffed animals as if they could understand him. " TOM: I've deduced from this story that coffee makes you stupid. > So what's your name?" he asked my teddy bear. CROW: [frighteningly cute voice] Hello, I'm Teddy Ruxpin. MIKE & TOM: AHHHHH! TOM: Crow, promise you'll never do that again! > After waiting bout 5 minutes he > screamed, ALL: [The Rock] IT DOESN'T *MATTER* WHAT YOUR NAME IS! > " FINE...!!! YOU DONT WANNA TELL ME !!!!!.... and threw the > bear across the room. TOM: Make that stupid and violent. CROW: Ohhh, it's such a shame to see a marriage turn to violence so quickly... > We had to duck. It almost hit our heads. When > he finally threw the last stuffy he said MIKE: [Legolas] I *AM* KIROK! > " I DONT LIKE YOUR > FRIENDS!!" CROW: [British accent] Well ruff ruff!!! > and again we broke into fits of giggles! " Th--Ey Ca--nt > Ta--lk!!!!!" CROW: lk? TOM: lk. CROW: OK. > I said trying to catch my breath. Carolyn was on the > floor and laughing her really hyper laugh (so it sounded as if she > couldn't breath at all). " Uh? What's u say? [All open their mouths, then stop] TOM: Umm... We were all about to say "Someone set us up the bomb," weren't we? CROW: Yep. MIKE: Yep. TOM: So, let's just say we did and move on, okay? OTHERS: Okay! > I think your friend on the floor needs help!!!! IT SOUNDS AS IF > SHE'S-----SHE'S ---------- RUNNING OUT OF BREATH. CROW: Well, get the bike pump! > WELL WE GOTTA HELP HER!!!!!" TOM: [Crystal] Well, call an ambulance, you idiot! CROW: [Legolas] I beg your pardon? What is this... am..bo..lance? > he ran over to Carolyn. TOM: Oh for the love of all that is good, he isn't going to do the CPR routine is he?! > I couldn't hold it in anymore I > joined carolyn on the floor . TOM: Damnit, Mike, this is too easy even for *me*! MIKE: "No", says Mr. happyfun pair of wire strippers...! TOM: ...I'll be good. > There were laughing like crazy with > Legolas panicking that we were about to run out of breath and die!! TOM: [Crystal] Because people on Middle-Earth don't laugh. > Finally we caught our breath and sat up. As we had though, Legolas > was back to his regular self. MIKE: Elves metabolize coffee quickly, too, huh? CROW: Yeah, right, fanfic! I wasn't made out of special parts used to control when the movie begins or ends yesterday, you know! TOM: [Crystal] Caffeine buzz turns on, caffeine buzz turns off. Caffeine buzz turns on, caffeine buzz turns off. > He sat there wonder why we were > laughing and why there were theses animals all around the room. CROW: Ooh, so Crystal's a Master's student in biology at Harvard? TOM: Well, Legolas just appeared out of a television set, Crystal just magically *knew* about the branch in the attic, and coffee buzzes are violent hallucinogenic reactions that dissipate in minutes. I'd say anything was possible at this point. > (He didn't know they were stuffed.) TOM: Because Beanie Babies look so natural. MIKE: [Legolas, as Italian grandmother] Mangia, mangia! What, you don't like my food, all of a sudden? > We finally explained everything to > him as he sat there in shock not believing what he had, done pretty > soon he too was laughing at himself. Memtal note never *NEVER* give > Legolas sugar MIKE: ...or this author a keyboard. TOM: [Crystal] Forget the sugar! Buckets of caffeine'll do. > > > The next little while was quiet we fixed the roof and just hung > around the house. MIKE: [Crystal] While Legolas shook off the sugar DTs... CROW: Sorry girls... not with chewed bubble gum and wet Scotch tape you don't. > I taught Legolas how to play Nintendo 64. MIKE: Geez, Crystal. That reference is sooooo mid-to-late 1990's! CROW: Yeah... so she hasn't graduated to the GameCube yet? TOM: She doesn't want to show *too* much too soon to this visitor from Middle-Earth. > After a few bumpy rounds he actually beat me at Mario party once. I was > amazed no one has ever beaten me before. MIKE: [Crystal] Because I really suck. CROW: Legolas... elf, archer, greenleaf prince of Mirkwood... and a *bitchin'* Nintendo player! TOM: [Legolas] Oh the glory! Does that render me... how do you say... computer... literary? > In the afternoons we went > out into my backyard and practiced archery. Legolas seemed to think I > was a natural and after a few lessons I almost beat him. MIKE: [Crystal] With my bow, because he's so annoying... TOM: Whoa--more like a "supernatural". CROW: Now hold on one-- MIKE: [muffling Crow] Ssshhh. We know. We know. > In the evenings we usually sat around and talked. TOM: Pffft. Chicks. MIKE: This is delving perilously close to "Dear Diary" territory. > On the second evening as we sat in my living room talking an idea came to > me "Legolas" I asked "Could you sing us a song in elfish" TOM: [Legolas] Are you asking me or telling me? MIKE: [Belle] o/~ Sing me a story, sing me a rhyme... o/~ > "Ok but each of you have to sing something when I'm done" CROW: Is this like TRUTH OR DARE, or someth--gurk. MIKE: [throttling CROW] NO. IT. ISN'T. > > > A Elbereth Gilthoniel, MIKE: Translation: I'm too lazy to make my own song out of Elvish words; I'll just cut and paste the song from the book. ALL: Ctrl-V is your *friend*! > silivren oenna miriel MIKE: Girls - get out of there! He's summoning Chthulu!!! > o menel aglar elenath! MIKE: [slightly drawn out] Saaatan is Gooood! CROW: [ditto, snickering] This stoooory suuucks!!! TOM: Crow, what's subliminal about that? CROW: Hmmm... guess you're right. > Na-chaered palan-diriel TOM: Why do I get the feeling he's just singing his laundry list? > o galadhremmin ennorath, Fanuilos, le, linnathon > nef aearm si nef aearon! TOM: [Legolas] o/~ And elves just wanna have funnnnn.... o/~ > > > > TOM: Now, we simulate Legolas getting a glass of water mid-song. > A Elbereth Gilthoniel, MIKE: o/~ We're spendin' most our lives, livin' in an elvish paradise... o/~ > silivren oenna miriel ALL: o/~ Ooka chucka ooka ooka ooka chucka ooka ooka... o/~ > o menel aglar elenath! CROW: Funny thing is, you can actually sing this to Creed's "Higher." > Na-chaered palan-diriel > o galadhremmin ennorath, Fanuilos, le, linnathon ALL: o/~ And a partridge in a pear tree! o/~ > nef aearm si nef aearon! CROW: Whew... now I know why King Elessar passed all of those "Westron First" laws early in the Fourth Age... TOM: Geez... *somebody's* read the appendix... > > "That was wonderful" Carolyn said for she had heard elves had > wonderful voices but this was better than she imagined. MIKE: [Carolyn] OOOH! Can you do "Bye Bye Bye?" > "Your turn > Crystal" Legolas said nudging me. "What shall I sing?" I asked the > air. CROW: [Air] Oh, do that one about 'gettin' jiggy wit' it'. I so love that one. MIKE: o/~ Oh, I'm... bringing home a baby bumblebee... won't my mommy be so proud of me... o/~ BOTS: No!!! > "Oh I know" I turned on the CD player "is it ok if I have > music?" I got two nods ALL: CHEATER! CHEATER! CHEATER! CHEATER! > "this is a story about a murder MIKE: [Crystal] It's called "The Night We Killed Legolas!" Guwaa-haa-haa!!! > on the northern end of Vancouver Island. ALL: o/~ The day that Billy Joe McCallister jumped off the Tallahachee Briiidge! o/~ > (In British Columbia Canada)" ALL: o/~ Blame Canada! Blame Canada! o/~ CROW: Her ability to speak with parenthesis is uncanny. TOM: It's not hard. (Once you get the hang of it.) > > > > Oh here is a story of poor Jack O'Connor MIKE: What? They wrote a song about a baseball player from the 1880's? BOTS: Rowdy Jack! Rowdy Jack! Rowdy Jack! > And the tale that surrounds his untimely demise CROW: He was hit by a fastball? TOM: [Crystal] o/~ He got drunk, went on a killing spree, brought down by 58 Mounties...o/~ > Submitted in fact as just one like example > Of such gruesome history Read Island's comprised MIKE: Legolas sings a beautiful elven ballad of love for the wood; Crystal breaks out Dr. Seuss. > > Oh the wind weathered rocks on the coast of Read Island CROW: o/~ Make very good blunt objects! o/~ > Guard over the mysteries of her own tragic lore > For it's said to this day that the ghosts of Read Island MIKE: o/~ Think songs of Read Island are gratuitous bores. o/~ > Appear in the mist of her desolate shores MIKE: o/~ But it turns out it was only Patrick Swayze o/~ > > Jack Myers was a blackheart, a thief and a braggart TOM: o/~ But other than that, a swell guy! o/~ > Who sold stolen whiskey from his sloop in the bay MIKE: o/~ Or so my drunk uncle Big Willie might say o/~ > When Tayor camp loggers bought up twenty-six bottles > Little they knew what a price would be paid CROW: Their *souls*! > > After a weekend of two fisted drinking MIKE: o/~ He decided two "handed" drinking would work better o/~ > Myers ran amok with an old forty-four TOM: Hey, I thought I was kidding with the whole "drunken rampage" thing... > O'er a wager turned sour, on Monday's wee hours > Poor Jack O'Connor lay dead on the floor CROW: That's not a very good limerick, girls. TOM: Wait wait, I'm lost... are we in 3/4 or 4/4 time? > > Oh the wind weathered rocks on the coast of Read Island > Guard over the mysteries of her own tragic lore > For it's said to this day that the ghosts of Read Island > Appear in the mist of her desolate shores MIKE: So come on down to Read Island's "Dead Drunk Guy Days" festival! TOM: We see dead people, and so can you! > A magistrate came, Michael Manson by name TOM: Well, that's one Manson without a record... get it? Charles Manson...criminal record...Marilyn Manson...musical... LAUGH, DAMN YOU! MIKE: Alright Tom, we get it! > Who, along with Fred Hussey would perform the inquest CROW: Damn! That's one scandalous inquest then! TOM: A judicial tag team! > Those who witnessed the act testified to facts > And a warrant was issued for Jack Myers arrest TOM: Wow! It's all so old-fashioned and romantic! CROW: This sounds like something Bob Dylan would write while he was high. TOM: In other words, a Bob Dylan song. MIKE: Zing! > A posse was sworn and with posted reward > They sailed from Nanaimo on the "Joan" and "Estelle" MIKE: Mrs. Rivers and Mrs. Getty were understandably pissed about that. > When at last they found Myers hold up in Bute Inlet > They brought him for trial, his story to tell > > The arm of the law is both strong and far reaching CROW: o/~ Or it would be if the cops would ever put down the doughnuts o/~ > Though he swore self defence, at the end of the day > Jack Myers was sentenced to a long life in prison > For killing O'Connor in a blind drunken rage TOM: So much for telling his side of the story... CROW: Well how long does it really take to say "Got drunk. Capped a guy?" > Oh the wind weathered rocks on the coast of Read Island > Guard over the mysteries of her own tragic lore > For it's said to this day that the ghosts of Read Island > Appear in the mist of her desolate shores TOM: What ghosts?! There aren't any ghosts in the song at all! CROW: Yeah, it's just one drunken lout who murdered another. What kinda trick are you trying to pull, fanfic? > MIKE: [Soft Rock DJ] And that was Crystal with the first single from her debut CD, "Songs in the Key of 'Eh.'" > (Song: Ghost of read Island Author/Singer: Bruce Coughlan CD: The > View From Here) CROW: Hey! He stole that title right from under Barbara Walters' nose! [All snicker.] > > > > CROW: Well... MIKE: I'm guessing she even transcribed the static. > "You have a very nice voice" Legolas commented. TOM: [snickering, as over P.A.] Simon Cowell? Paging Simon Cowell. Simon, we've got a real doozy for you! > "I told you, youcould sing!" Carolyn yelled (she had been telling me for > years that I should sing more) MIKE: Mostly because it keeps you from talking. TOM: [Carolyn] Come on, all those dogs' ears to get to! > Alright Carolyn lets see how I measure up to you." CROW: [Sailor Jupiter] I have really big br--um, talent! > Carolyn sung wild child by Enya TOM: "The Jungle Book II: The Story of Mowgli." MIKE: [Destinygurl] Oh, but who cares about her, let's talk more about me and my magnificence! > Ever close your eye, ever stop and listen Ever feel alive, like > you've MIKE: Had ten cans of Jolt? > nothing missing CROW: o/~ Have you ever seen a grown man naked? o/~ > You don't need a reason, let the day go on and on TOM: Just like this fic. MIKE: o/~ Finlaaand Finlaaand Finlaaand... o/~ CROW: o/~ The country where I want to be, reading cheesy fanfiction, written by Destiny... o/~ > > > Let the rain fall down, everywhere around you > > Give into it now, let the day surround you TOM: o/~ Throw down your guns and put your hands where the day can see them o/~ > You don't need a reason, CROW: You do, however, need a sharp blow to the head in order to enjoy Enya. > let the rain go on and on > > > > What a day ALL: o/~ What a wonderful kind of day! HEY! o/~ > > What a day to take to CROW: Two acid hits? MIKE: Um, Crow? That's to, not two? CROW: ...the hell? You're ragging on *my* spelling? Look at what's right in front of you! > What a way TOM: o/~ ...to read a crappy fanfiiiiic o/~ > > What a way > > To make it through MIKE: o/~ Twelve more pages of song lyrics o/~ > What a day > > What a day to take to CROW: o/~ The streets with automatic weapons, hunting down those who've wronged you o/~ > A wild child > > > > Only take the time, from the helter skelter MIKE: o/~ Well do you, don't you want me to love you? o/~ > > Everyday you find, everything's in kilter > > You don't need a reason, TOM: o/~ To dance naked in the street o/~ MIKE: o/~ To eat Flamin' Hot Cheetos 'till your tongue goes numb o/~ CROW: o/~ To want to crush this author's skull with a pipe wrench o/~ > let the day go on and on TOM: o/~ Look at all our trials and tribulations... sinking in a gentle bowl of wine... o/~ > > > Every summer sun, every winter evening > > Every spring to come, every autumn leaving TOM: o/~ Every trailer park... o/~ CROW: o/~ Every senseless beating... o/~ MIKE: Wow; dark, guys. > > You don't need a reason, TOM: o/~ To say "WE GET IT ALREADY!!" > let it all go on and on MIKE: And it looks like the song's going to go on and on too. TOM: Grrr...okay, we get it! SHE'S SINGING! How many more copyrights are you trying to break, anyway?! Can't we call some RIAA lawyers or something?! MIKE: Tom, the RIAA wants you dead for uploading all those Madonna MP3s to KaZaA. TOM: Damn... CROW: Told you that would come back to haunt ya. > > > > What a day > > What a day to take to > > What a way > > What a way CROW: I see... so this is going on and on. MIKE: Hey, you don't need a reason! > To make it through > > What a day > > What a day to take to > > A wild child > > > > What a day > > What a day to take to > > What a way > > What a way > > To make it through TOM: A song that repeats the same lines over... and over... and over again! > What a day > > What a day to take to > > A wild child CROW: AHH! The song just lapped itself! > > > What a day TOM: To take this fic, shine it up really nice, and shove it straight up... MIKE: Hey, hey! Calm down! > What a day to take to > > What a way > > What a way > > To make it through > > What a day > > What a day to take to TOM: Aaaahhhh! This song has sucked us into a never-ending Enya netherworld! It just repeats endlessly! CROW: [now sobbing] It's sucking out our souls with each endless verse! MIKE: Come on, hold yourself together, guys, you can make it...just keep on trying! > > Da-Da-Da- MIKE: Just when you think the song can't repeat itself any more, it goes and surprises you. > Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da TOM: o/~ Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson... o/~ CROW: o/~ Won't this crappy fanfic ever end? Eh-eh-end! o/~ > Da-Da-Da CROW: You know why I love Enya? Her deep lyrics. > > What a way MIKE: To pad a chapter out so it looks more impressive... > > What a way > > To make it through > > Da-Da-Da- MIKE: Guys, Enya music is supposed to be soothing, right? BOTS: Right. MIKE: So why does this song make me want slam my head against the wall until my brain falls out? BOTS: Allergies. MIKE: Right. > Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da MIKE: Hmmm... I see Destiny here knows Russian... [The bots snicker.] > Da-Da-Da TOM: Lyrics by baby Elizabeth. > Da-Da-Da-Da-Da-Da TOM: Maybe the singer's regressing to an infantile stage! > What a way > > What a way > > To make it through CROW: I think what they're really trying to say is "Da-Da-Da-Da-Da". TOM: But you're missing the overlying message, which is "What a way, what a way!" > > What a day > > What a day to take to > > A wild child > > What a day > > What a day to take to > > A wild child > > (Song: Wild Child Singer: Enya CD: A Day Without Rain) CROW: Original soundtrack not available. You'll thank us. > TOM: Is it...is it over? MIKE: Yeah, there are the song credits...it's finally done. CROW: Mike, can I go upload a bunch of Metallica MP3s now and tell them Destinygurl did it? Please? > > > "That was beautiful" Legolas said in awe. CROW: [Legolas] People actually make money writing that crap. Beautiful! > "I've never heard you sing > like that," I said. "That was my solo voice" TOM: Usually she sings in tongues. CROW: [Legolas] Great! Now can you sing "'solo' I can't hear you"? MIKE: *groan* > "So I alone am not good > enough for your solo voice. I've never heard you sing like that." MIKE: [Carolyn] Have you ever heard me sing like that? > I said glaring at Carolyn (she's the only one who can withstand my > glare probably because she gets it so much) TOM: Thank you, fanfic, for that pointless aside. MIKE: We all love her because she frightens everyone round her with merely a look! > "Sing something together" > Legolas urged. ALL: [screaming in horror] NO! NO! TOM: Don't encourage them! CROW: Have you no sense of decency?! > "Sure why not" MIKE: Because if you do, I will find a way to crawl through that text and beat you with a sock full of marbles. > I said glancing at Carolyn she nodded, > I smiled we were going to sing our best duet. BOTS: [Girls, showtune style] o/~ I ain't happy! I'm feelin bad! I got sunshine in a bag! o/~ > "This is a song from > the musical Cats" TOM: AAAAAHHH! MIKE, NO!!!!!!!!! CROW: A part of me just died. MIKE: [low] Think happy thoughts... think happy thoughts... think... > > > > Macavity! MIKE: Might want to see a dentist about that. > Macavity's a mystery cat > He's called the Hidden Paw > For he's a master criminal who can defy the law CROW: [Macavity] o/~ For my years of abuse, I'll murder them all! o/~ > He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard > The Flying Squad's despair TOM: Not to mention *ours*... > For when they reach the scene of crime Macavity's not there! MIKE: I didn't know "Lupin the Third" translated into "Macavity..." > Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity MIKE: And for that, we're all thankful. > He's broken every human law CROW: Starting with the law of decency. > He breaks the law of gravity TOM: Yeah? So do most Olympic high jumpers, so what's your point? > His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare MIKE: Not to mention most ordinary people... > And when you reach the scene of crime Macavity's not there! > You may seek him in the basement TOM: [child] Aaah! Mom, there's a furry in the basement! > You may look up in the air > But I tell you once and once again > Macavity's not there! CROW: Oh look, he's hiding up my nose... has been all along! MIKE: Actually you've told us *three* times, and I really wish you'd stop! > > Macavity's a ginger cat TOM: Macavity's a *stupid* cat. > He's very tall and thin > You would know him if you saw him for his eyes are sunken in MIKE: So you're saying he's a heroin addict. CROW: Naw... just got 'em gouged out... > His brow is deeply lined with thought CROW: [Macavity] Hmm... poop *in* the litter box, or...? > His head is highly domed TOM: Hair care by Jean-Luc Picard. CROW: [Macavity] Make it so! > His coat is dusty from neglect > His whiskers are uncombed > He sways his head from side to side TOM: That's the drugs, dear. > With movements like a snake > And when you think he's half asleep > He's always wide awake! CROW: Hmmm... Santa Claws? (The others groan). TOM: He must drink the same coffee Crystal stocks. > > Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity > For he's a fiend in feline shape MIKE: Or as I call him, "your average housecat". > A monster of depravity TOM: Ya know, I always knew Randy Moss wasn't human... [All snicker.] > You may meet him in a by-street > You may see him in the square > But when a crime's discovered then Macavity's not there! > > He's outwardly respectable > I know he cheats at cards CROW: [Yosemite Sam voice] I've got four aces! TOM: [same] Well, I've got FIVE aces! > And his footprints are not found in any files of Scotland Yard's TOM: Probably because Scotland Yard deals with *crimes* perpetrated by *human beings*! > And when the larder's looted > Or the jewel cases rifled MIKE: Okay, who's been going through my CD collection? > Or when the milk is missing > Or another Peke's been stifled CROW: Peke, will you STIFLE YOURSELF!? > Or the greenhouse glass is broken and the trellis past repair > There's the wonder of the thing: > Macavity's not there! MIKE: Sheesh, has it ever occurred to you that maybe he's innocent then? > Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity > There never was a cat of such deceitfulness and suavity MIKE: Please. Have you met my friend Don's cat, Mixie? > He always has an alibi and one or two to spare TOM: [inspector] Okay, talk, Macavity. Where were you on the night Chicago died?! > Whatever time the deed took place, Macavity wasn't there! CROW: [Judge Judy] Dismissed! > And they say that all the cats whose wicked deeds are widely known > (I might mention Mungojerrie, I might mention Griddlebone) MIKE: Please, don't. > Are nothing more than agents for the cat who all the time > Just controls the operations > The Napoleon of Crime! TOM: Professor Moriarty? How did *he* get dragged into this?! > > Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity > He's a fiend in feline shape > A monster of depravity > You may meet him in a by-street > You may see him in the square > TOM: Wha?--She just left out a whole line here! > discovered then Macavity's not there! > > (Macavity, T.S. Elliot, CROW: Figures, since this chapter is certainly a "Wasteland"! TOM: It could have been worse. She could have recited "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"! MIKE: Ah, if only to be a patient etherized on the table right now... > Put to music by > Andrew Lloyd Webber MIKE: Making the world a darker place. CROW: Only song pads the fic... > > "That was great your voices blend so well together" Legolas praised. MIKE: Hmmm... big fan of twelve-tone serialism, are you Legolas? > "Thank you mellonim " CROW: [Crystal] For darkening my skin tone! > I said blushing with pride. "Sing one more, > Please" Legolas begged giving us the puppy dog eyes. ALL: TEDDY! NO!!!! TOM: Ya know, maybe whacking Legolas with a spatula wasn't such a bad idea after all! MIKE: Can an elf really make puppy dog eyes? CROW: [Crystal] Wow, I guess it's time to teach Legolas about Visine. > "Sure, ok." I > answered. BOTS: [Girls] Two... Three... Four! o/~ All I wanna do is runna zoom zoom zoom and a boom boom! o/~ > > > The wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees > > The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon the cloudy sea > > The road was a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor CROW: o/~ The song was a pretentious assemblage of cliched metaphors o/~ > > And the highwayman came riding riding riding TOM: And this song kept sucking sucking sucking... > And the highwayman came riding up to the old inn door CROW: Guests of "The Highwayman" stay at The Green Dragon Inn, Bywater. MIKE: This is nice and musical and all BUT CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO WHAT LITTLE STORY THERE WAS?!? PLEASE!?! > > > > He'd a French cocked hat on his forehead CROW: Or, to be more current, a "Freedom cocked hat." TOM: Ah, the mark of a man highly trained in the art of surrender. > and a bunch of lace at his > chin TOM: Wow, how tough and intimidating. MIKE: Ahh, his mask has to cover it up... right? > A coat of claret velvet and breeches of brown doeskin MIKE: And to think we were worried about letting your babies grow up to be cowboys! > They fitted with never a wrinkle his boots were up to the thigh MIKE: [campy] Oh, thigh-highs are *so* out this year! CROW: [trembling] Oh, yes, say that again... TOM: Hey! It's bad enough that *he's* creeping us out! > And he rode with a jewelled twinkle his pistol butts a-twinkle CROW: [flighty] I think your guns are FAB-U-LOOOUS! TOM: "His butt was a-twinkle?" Eww! > His rapier hilt a-twinkle under the jewelled sky CROW: Old twinkletoes is on the loose again, I see. MIKE: That is two uses of 'twinkle' too many for any song but 'Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star'. > > > MIKE: So why exactly does this guy need to rob stagecoaches? CROW: The thrill of the chase; why else? TOM: Dramatic pause or just more padding? You make the call! > Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark in yard CROW: Fortunately, the ice machine covered the noise up. > And he tapped with his whip on the shutters but all was locked and > bared MIKE: [highwayman] Hey! Can I get some service here? > He whistled a tune to the window and who should be waiting there > > But the landlord's black-eyed daughter TOM: Ya know, landlord, that's why they have child abuse assistance programs! > Bess the landlord's daughter CROW: And Roy, the shotgun-toting landlord. TOM: WE DON'T GET IT, FANFIC! WHOSE DAUGHTER IS SHE, AGAIN?! Sheesh. > > Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair TOM: Um... song? It's called blood... CROW: And you call me dark? > > > One kiss my bony sweetheart TOM: Hey! Anorexia is a serious medical condition, and shouldn't be taken lightly! CROW: Hah! "Lightly!" TOM: Oops. > I'm after a prize tonight > but I'll be back with the yellow gold before the morning light MIKE: So at least Thomas Covenant doesn't have to worry about that. CROW: I'm gonna win that twenty-four hours of track and field this year, I swear it! MIKE: [highwayman] Tomorrow - Twinkies for all! ALL: HUZZAH!!! > > Yet if they press me sharply and harry me through the day > > Then look for me by the moonlight watch for me by the moonlight > > I'll come to thee by the moonlight though hell should bar the way CROW: Uh... Huh? TOM: "I'll see you tomorrow if I'm not in jail." CROW: Ah! > > > He rose upright in the stirrups he scarce could reach her hand MIKE: Okay, let's move on to plan B... > But she loosened her hair i' the casement his face burnt like a brand CROW: FOOM! MIKE: [highwayman] Uh, sorry. Look, hair grows back, right? > As the black cascade of perfume came tumbling over his breast > > And he kissed its waves in the moonlight oh sweet waves in the > moonlight TOM: Given the attention he pays to his clothing, maybe this is no surprise. > Then he tugged at his rein in the moonlight and galloped away to the > west > > > > He did not come at the dawning he did not come at noon > > And out o' the tawny sunset before the rise o' the moon > > When the road was a gypsy's ribbon looping the purple moor > > A red coat troop came marching marching marching ALL: o/~ And those caissons go rolling along!!! o/~ > King George's men came marching up to the old inn door > > > > They said no word to the landlord they drank his ale instead MIKE: [landlord] You gonna pay for that?! Uncouth barbarian pigs... > > But they gagged hi daughter and bound her to the foot of her narrow > bed ALL: WHOA! MIKE: Talk about your full-service establishments! CROW: Aw... how sweet. That greeting by the troops adds a nice touch to the tying-the-landlord's-daughter-to-the-bed scene. TOM: Sheesh, they probably had the lyrics right in front of them, too! > > Two of them knelt at the casement with muskets at there side MIKE: There wolf. There an old man, wizened with age. TOM: Phew--it's not *sex,* it's *violence!* > > There was death at every window and hell at one dark window CROW: [Hell] Hey man, I got the dark winduh. You got all them other winduz! > > For bess could see through the casement the road that he would ride > > > > They had tied her up to attention with many a sniggering jest > > They had bound a musket beside her with the barrel beneath her Brest TOM: Her copy of the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk, no! > > Now keep good watch and they kissed her she heard the dead man say > > Look for me by the moonlight watch for me by the moonlight > > I'll come to thee by the moonlight though hell should bar the way > > > > She twisted her hands behind her but all the knots held good CROW: Um... song? Being tied to the bed isn't *always* good. TOM: So then, is it ev... gaaaaaaa! CROW! Cut that out! CROW: *snicker* > She writhed her hands till her fingers were drenched with sweat and > blood > > They stretched and strained in the darkness CROW: [Bess] Is it *in* yet? TOM: [Highwayman] ... > and the hours crawled by like years CROW: Yeah, that'll happen if you watch Ralph Bakshi's "Lord of the Rings". > Till now on the stroke of midnight cold on the stroke of midnight > > The tip of her fingers touched it the trigger at least was hers MIKE: But!... Will you trade it all for what's in the *box?* CROW: The box! The box! > > > > Tlot-tlot CROW: Tlot? > had they heard it TOM: Well, given they're not stifling laughter... > the horses-hoofs were ringing clear > > Tlot-tlot CROW: Tlot?! MIKE: Well, maybe it's a horse with a speech impediment. > in the distance were they deaf that they did not hear MIKE: Well, hey. If the bad guys can't aim, then why can't they not hear too? > Down the ribbon of moonlight over the brow of the hill > > The highwayman came riding riding riding TOM: And we just stopped caring caring caring... > The redcoats looked to the priming she stood up strait and still > > > > Tlot in the frosty silence tlot in the echoing night CROW: *Tlot?!* MIKE: Yes, "tlot." TOM: Any time is a good time for "tlot!" > Nearer he came and nearer her face was like a light > > Her eyes grew wide for a moment she drew one last deep breath > > Then her finger moved in the moonlight her musket shattered the > moonlight > > Shattered her breast in the moonlight and warned him away with her death MIKE: So she stuffed her dress with champagne glasses? > > > He turned he spurred to the west he did not know he stood > > Bowed with her head o'er the musket drenched with her own red blood > > Not till the dawn he herd it his face grew grey to hear TOM: Hey! That's the color adjustment, not the volume knob! > How bess the landlord's daughter the landlords black-eyed daughter > > Had watched for her lover in the moonlight and died in the darkness > there > > > > Back he spurred like a madman shrieking a curse to the sky MIKE: [highwayman] I'll haaarm you! TOM: Hey, watch your language! This is a PG-rated MSTing! > With the white road smoking behind him his rapier brandished high > > Blood-red were spurs i' the golden noon wine-red was his velvet coat > > When they shot him down on the highway down like a dog on the highway TOM: Oh, *that* worked well. MIKE: I swear, Caltrans workers get no respect at all... > He lay in his blood on the highway with a bunch of lace at his throat CROW: And he died like he lived: a fop. > > > > Still of a winters night they say when the wind is in the trees > > When the moon is a ghostly galleon tossed upon the cloudy seas > > When the road is a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor > > A highwayman comes riding riding riding MIKE: [highwayman] And man, these pantaloons keep riding riding riding... up my crotch! > A highwayman comes riding up to the old inn door CROW: [Innkeeper] We're booked! TOM: Now, if he had only used hotels.com... > > (Song: Highwayman Artist: Loreena McKennitt CD: The Book Of Secrets). MIKE: Ha! Imbecilic buffoons! Disclaimer's loophole! BOTS: What? MIKE: That song was a Tennyson poem set to music! CROW: So we've had songs about a drunken murderer being imprisoned, an elusive master criminal, and a highwayman being gunned down after his girlfriend shoots herself. TOM: And one about taking it to a wild child! >************************************** > > 6. Legolas meet John TOM: Or, Legolas discovers the wonder of modern plumbing. CROW: [Carolyn] Ummm, Legs... what do you mean, "It won't go down?" > Disclamer: I don't own anything except my horses and for that (owning > my horses) MIKE: [Destinygurl] ...I killed without mercy. > I'm very happy. > > By the way these * mean someone talking on the phone like this > *hello* CROW: Sorry, wrong number. TOM: It *is* just like talking on the phone! MIKE: [Crystal] And these @ mean my other personality has been typing again. > > > My bed had been fixed up TOM: [Crystal] ...after Legolas wet himself in it *again*... > but Legolas said he would rather sleep > downstairs on the floor where he slept on the night of the storm. MIKE: I hardly blame Legolas for wanting to keep as far away from this girl's bed as possible. TOM: [Legolas] It's easier to spot people sneaking in on me from here. CROW: [Carolyn] Oh, come on! I only climbed in with you twice! > It was all right with us although it was creepy waking up in the middle > of the night and seeing him with his eyes open. On the morning of the > third day CROW: J.R.R. Tolkien said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together into one place... > (a Wednesday) Legolas was watching my Simpsons first season DVD TOM: Boy, Legolas sure *is* fast! I mean, only a couple days ago he couldn't figure out the concept of "flashlight".... > (I think Simpsons is his new favourite show.) CROW: [Legolas] Oh, that Homer! He has such a beautiful mind! TOM: [Legolas] Oh, that Bart Simpson! What a scamp! MIKE: And exactly how would a being from prehistory appreciate the topical humour of a contemporary social satire such as "The Simpsons"? CROW: Gandalf couldn't answer that one, Mike. > Carolyn and I were > sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee and talking about TOM: [Crystal] The winning contestant on Joe Millionaire. > the very important matter at hand. CROW: [Crystal] You ever feel - y'know - not so fresh? > "We can't stay holed up in my house > forever" I said logically. MIKE: I mean, ever since the grocer's delivery service folded... TOM: [Crystal] The cops have been poking around, man... I mean, I've got *shopping* to do! > "Yes but Legolas has no idea how to act > in public." TOM: [Carolyn] He's what scientists refer to as "square". CROW: [Carolyn] I mean come on, he still thinks boxers are hats. MIKE: Being the *prince* of Mirkwood and all, he's never had to associate with the rabble... > Carolyn said voicing exactly what I was worrying about. > "Here you go and teach him some do's and don'ts of our world MIKE: [Carolyn] What, like "*Do* be my date for the prom" and "*Don't* talk to that bitch Jenny?" TOM: [Crystal] Ya know, pull your pants down in the middle of the mall, give random passers-by the finger, eat a bunch of sushi then forget to leave a tip, you know, the usual. CROW: [Carolyn] Okay, the salad fork goes on the left nearest the plate, never talk with your mouth full, and resorting to disembowlment means you lost the argument. > and I'll > find him some clothes. Do you think he's about John's size?" I said. CROW: Too easy? MIKE: Too easy. > "Yeah sure but isn't he working right now?" TOM: I see ol' Destinygurl has mastered the non sequitur. > "No he's working later in > the afternoon Go on" I continued, pushing Carolyn into the living > room. "I want to leave by noon." "That's only an hour away" Carolyn > protested "then get moving." I picked up the phone and dialled. > *Hello Hulstein residence Glen speaking* TOM: [Glen] No, I would NOT like to change my long distance carrier! CROW: [Crystal] Put Saddam on! He has failed me for the last time! MIKE: *Hulstein*, Crow. > "Oh hi Glen it's Crystal can > I talk to John?" MIKE: [Legolas] My name's not Glen. > *Yeah one second* MIKE: [Glen] And that's my only line. See ya! > *Hello* "Hi John how are you?" MIKE: *WHO* are you? > *Not bad. Why did you call?* TOM: [Crystal] Um, because we're *married*! CROW: [John] Ya know, I'm kinda busy pressing my underwear here... > "I have a problem and I need to barrow > some of your clothes" CROW: [Carolyn] Sure, he'll look so *cu-yute* in my flowerprint sundress! TOM: Ah, she thinks Legolas will be more comfortable if he has to snatch his new clothes away from a barrow-wight. > *What?!?* John exclaimed. "It's really complicated If you let me come > over I'll explain." TOM: What's so complicated about being a lesbian? CROW: Yes, *please* explain you aren't talking to the person on the phone. MIKE: I guess she meant the stars signify the person *at the other end* is talking. TOM: What?! She very clearly said '* mean someone talking on the phone'. Crystal is talking on the phone, yet no *! MIKE: I'll never figure out how you guys speak in symbols.... > *alright come on over* "Great see you in a few" > "k, guys I'm leaving I'll be back in about 15 minutes." CROW: [Crystal] After all, I must see him in person to comprehend what size clothes he wears! TOM: The tension is amazing. IS Legolas John's size? WHAT time will he be home? WHO the hell is Glen and why is he answering the phone? The action just NEVER STARTS! > I walked out into the cool morning over to my 1985 Nissan King Cab, MIKE: AKA: Puff the Tragic Wagon. TOM: Nissan King Cab. The official truck of "Legolas, Back to the Future." CROW: Roomy and spacious, with room for five Mary Sues, and instamatic 4-wheel drive for wherever your plot contrivances may take you! > got in and > drove down the hill to John's house. TOM: [Crystal] Huff, huff, pant, wheeze...phew, hi...huff...John, I'm...pant...here...gasp! Sorry I...huff...took so...cough...long getting...wheeze...here! Wheeze wheeze wheeze wheeze! > When I got there John was waiting for me. MIKE: Well, that's nice of him, since he was already there and you just told him you were coming. CROW: Say, that *is* nice of him. I'd have suddenly remembered an appointment. > "Alright what's the big emergency and why do you need my clothes?" CROW: [John] And why does it have to be the ones I'm wearing right now? > he asked suspiciously. "Well you see I had an unexpected visitor and he > only has the clothes he was wearing and their not TOM: [John] Well, you can't have Minot! > very good for > wearing out." CROW: [valley girl] Gag! After one wash, they're like totally faded! MIKE: [Crystal] And before you ask, his other troll-fighting pants were at the cleaners! > "Interesting" John, said. MIKE: [John] You know, compared to Larry King Dead. > I was getting frustrated TOM: [Crystal] LOOK! HOT ELF! NEED CLOTHES! GIVE!!! > "here just get > some of your clothes, not too baggy though he's not used to baggy > pants, CROW: [John] Boxers or briefs? TOM: [Crystal] He likes spandex, the tighter, the better! CROW: [John] You just want to see his thing, don't you? TOM: [Crystal] Of course! Er, I mean, why would I want to see the nether regions of a hunky fan-girl magnet outlined in tight clothing? > and come with me it will make so much more sense if you see > him" TOM: [Crystal] Much more than I could, anyway. MIKE: [Crystal] By the way, who are you? CROW: John should run. I'm sure he doesn't want to go see some guy in need of clothes. > I said shoving him up the stairs into his room. MIKE: I guess Legolas just conveniently teleported there... > We picked out > some clothes, threw them into a duffle bag and left within five > minutes. "Why haven't I heard about this mystery visitor sooner?" > John asked indignantly "How long has he been here?" MIKE: [Crystal] Oh, um... 'bout eight hundred years, I think... > "One question at a time my friend." I laughed at his hurried protective > manor MIKE: [valley girl] That is like *soooo* 1100s.... TOM: It's bad to hastily install security systems in mansions, I'd agree. CROW: But rapidly built safe houses *are* kind of funny! > "for your first question he didn't want to be reviled yet TOM: [Crystal] But now he's looking forward to our disgust and revulsion! > and for your > second this is his third day, he arrived on Sunday night around > 9:00pm." "Did you know him before he came?" CROW: [Narrator] No, it was an anonymous one-night stand. TOM: Destiny-babe? It's no fun if you keep serving up them up slow-pitch style! > he was always so worried > about me. MIKE: [Crystal] At least, that's what he told the police when I had him arrested for stalking. > "Sort of" I said not knowing how to answer. "Sort of! CROW: [Crystal] Well, we only *kinda* made out.... > what > sort of?!?" John asked getting increasingly nervous. "You either > know him or you don't!!" TOM: [Crystal] Look, it was a party! I was drunk! I only recognize him from the birthmark on his... MIKE: [John] TMI!! TMI!! > At that moment we pulled into the driveway. > "Just trust me," I said soothingly. MIKE: [Crystal] I mean when I have ever lied to you except for that one time when we were kids and I put antifreeze in your hamster's water bottle to see what would happen and he died but I told you he escaped while I was trying to pick him up... oops.... > He looked me in the eye "you know > I do" TOM: [John] ...a killer impression of J. J. Walker--DY-NO-MITE!! > "good then follow me and prepare yourself." TOM: [Crystal] He's a bloodthirsty killer! > I said grabbing his MIKE: [John, shocked] Damn! First you want my clothes, and now--hey!!! > hand and pulling him into the house. CROW: [Crystal] Here's your prayer chant. Grab a chicken out of the box over there. Knives are on top. > "Hey everybody I'm home" I called stepping into the entranceway. "Hi > Crystal" Carolyn called back. ALL: NORM!!! > "Carolyn's here with you?" John asked accusingly. CROW: [Crystal] Um...er...that is...aaahhh!!! It's true [starts mock sobbing] There's... another goofy sidekick in my life... > "I thought he didn't want to be reviled!" CROW: [Crystal] Oh, don't be silly, that'll only happen if we show people this fanfic. > "Carolyn was here when he came." CROW: *SIGH!* This is getting almost as bad as Sailor Moon! TOM: [Sailor Moon] Elf Prince Legolas! You came! CROW: *GROAN!* > I said calmly not wanting to fight. "Stay down here I'll call you > when we're ready" I ran up the stairs to find Carolyn sitting with a > very confused looking Legolas "How's it going?" I asked "Not too good > but good enough to get by." "Great, well I brought John over." "Why?" > "Two reasons. One I have no idea how to dress a guy TOM: [Crystal] I've never seen one with clothes on... I mean, I can't even guess what size bra he takes! > and two he needed > to understand, he would have told someone about Legolas if he didn't > see him himself." MIKE: She's afraid he'll tell someone about a person he *didn't* see? CROW: Why in the world would he tell people he'd just rubbed elbows with Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, and expect them to NOT call the men in white coats?! > I answered, "Legolas I brought someone over to meet > you he will help you get some clothes that are acceptable in society. TOM: [Crystal] Ya know, a bikini, a strapless blouse, some crotchless panties... CROW: [John] A tube top and a hockey mask. MIKE: Why is this so complicated? Jeans! Clean t-shirt. Matching shoes. Socks, underwear, and hats as needed. That's it, that's the list! > Ok?" "Sure" Legolas answered still confused. "All right John come on > up but be ready for a surprise" I went and grabbed his hand. When we > got to the living room I called Legolas TOM: [Crystal] ...a dummy head. To, you know, revile him like he wanted. MIKE: Okay, I think we've milked that one for all it's worth. > "Mellonim come one out." He > stepped out from the dinning room. I gently closed John's mouth MIKE: [John] Hey! I'm trying to talk here! > it > immediately fell open again. TOM: [Crystal, grunts] Stupid... detachable... jaw... > "Snap out of it" I said lightly slapping him. "Do you understand now?" MIKE: [John] No, and I still don't see the guy "I've just got to see!" CROW: [Crystal] See him? He's right there! MIKE: [John] What? Behind the elf? CROW: [Crystal] It IS the elf! TOM: The Monty Python sketch, ladies and gentlemen! > "Yes" He said still in a daze. "Great > then go help Legolas with what to wear." CROW: [campy] *I* am going to put *you* in fur! Well, *more fur*... > MIKE: Five minutes later... TOM: [John] Okay, we're ready! Let's roll! CROW: [Crystal] Wait! Where's the pile of clothes that don't match? Where's the pile of clothes that did match but you didn't feel like wearing them? Where's the accessorizing?!? TOM: [John] Crystal, hon? We're guys. When it comes to clothes, "peach" is a fruit, not a color, "clean" is a relative term, and "accessories" are something you pick up at Best Buy. > > > > An hour later (Half an hour past my noon deadline) TOM: Legolas had some problems with that whole "underwear on the inside" thing. CROW: [Crystal] Carolyn and John received whippings for being late. > we were finally > ready to leave. We were just going to the grocery store. CROW: It took you an hour to get dressed for *THE GROCERY STORE!?!* MIKE: Geez! What chain? Mr. Blackwell Mart? > We drove > John home then went to Safeway to pick up some ground beef for the > hamburgers we were having later and some pop. "What's going on?" > Legolas asked as we were exiting to parking lot and turning in the > wrong direction (away from home) "Just one more stop" I said grinning > evilly. CROW: Okay, that's sort of wrong. MIKE: [Crystal] By the way, are you familiar with the term "Shake your moneymaker?" > After about 15 minutes of driving I told Carolyn to blindfold > Legolas. MIKE: Okay, that's *really* wrong. CROW: [Legolas] You *are* taking me to Lothlorien, right? > He let her with little hesitation. TOM: And that, in the immortal words of Joel Robinson, is wrong on *so* many levels. MIKE: Yeah... the *real* Prince of Mirkwood would cut her hands off for even *trying*! CROW: [Legolas] Well, I've been hanging out with these weird girls from this distant future for a whole three days now; I'm sure they're safe. TOM: C'mon, Crow. He's already slept in their rooms even after they tried to poison him with coffee. > After about 5 more > minutes of driving we turned off highway one and into a little rural > part of Delta. CROW: [Crystal] Alright Legolas, ready for your sorority initiation? MIKE: [Legolas] o/~ I'm the only one who'd walk across the fire for you! o/~ > We turned into a private dyke TOM: Say... MIKE: So they *are* transvestites? I called it! > right on the ocean MIKE: I didn't know Rosie bought beachfront. > and headed towards the biggest house I have ever seen. "That's my dad's > boss' house," CROW: [Crystal] He gave me the key at the company picnic last year... guess spiking the punch bowl was a good idea, eh? > I pointed out forgetting Legolas was blindfolded. Going > a little further I turned right, into a driveway leading to a large > barn which held 6 horses. 3 of those horses were mine. TOM: [Legolas] Damn! I've been looking everywhere for those! Thanks Crystal! Now gimme 'em! > All the horses were out in the pasture. TOM: Racing desperately against time to put Humpty Dumpty together again! > Carolyn and I got out of the truck but > Legolas stayed where he was. I unlocked the barn and got three lead > ropes out of the tack room. MIKE: Thank you, fanfic. > I tossed one to Carolyn CROW: [Carolyn] Ow! Watch where you throw that... you could crush someone's skull! > and went into the pasture. I caught my favourite horse Frenchy CROW: Who was a Riding School Drop-Out. TOM: [Crystal] Whispered a few choice words in German, and she was as docile as a lamb. > and clipped the lead > rope to her halter then I whistled to my other horse TOM: Rizzo? MIKE: [Crystal] Man, that sexual harassment suit will be murder! > Chabella > (pronounced Shabella) CROW: Read: Whogivesarip. > who was on the other side of the field, > she came trotting over. Carolyn grabbed Tonto CROW: Carolyn tracks... two, three days old. Neigh! > after following him around > in circles for a few minutes. We tied all three horses up MIKE: 'kay, now this is just getting creepy! CROW: And you call me a hentai pervert? > and brought > Legolas out of the truck and right up to Chabella's head I said "Take > off your blindfold" He did and as soon as he could see he smiled > widely, TOM: [Legolas, dumb] Bunnies! > "Horses" He cried with delight MIKE: [Legolas] We eat tonight! > "I'm so glad people still keep > them." TOM: [Legolas] Free-range horses are so gamey! MIKE: [Crystal] Yeah, but they make for *great* barbecues. CROW: Now I'm going to be sick... > I laughed at his enthusiasm. TOM: [Crystal] Ha ha! These horses are GLUE, DAISY-EATER! > "Meet Chabella she's your mount CROW: Sa--now she's doing it on purpose, Mike. Gotta be. [Beat.] ALL: Ewwwww! > be careful though she is wary of strangers CROW: [Crystal] Tends to murder them horribly... > but I figured you being an > elf can handle her." I giggled because I knew that elfish would not > help him now. MIKE: Her maniacal laughter could use a little work, but hey, it's a start. TOM: [Crystal] Tee-hee! It's funny 'cause he's gonna die! > [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge--or is it? The bridge has grown over with leafy foliage and white marble columns. The huge dimensional portal machine is still there, even though it has been covered with ivy and moss. An eerie glow seems to emanate from everywhere and nowhere, giving the bridge an ethereal, ancient quality. Crow and Tom are sitting by the machine, but have changed somehow. Crow now has bushy eyebrows and Tom has a puffy wig of brown hair. They are now also wearing grey cloaks and jackets of yellow and green. Crow is smoking a long pipe and Tom is slurping a straw stuck in a frosty mug of ale.] CROW: [Cockney brogue] So I says to that Ted Sandyman, this be the finest bit of pipeweed to be got i'the whole Southfarthing... MIKE: [wandering in] Well, hey guys... [looking around] Hey! What's going on here? Where did all of these leaves come from? This isn't one of your home decorating projects, is it? TOM: [Scottish brogue] I cannae tell ye, Mister Longshanks. Were they not always there? CROW: They're a might peaceful-like, if you ask me. Ain't it a perfect day for havin' a mug and a pipe and swappin' tall tales of ages long past? MIKE: But there's *trees* growing right out of the deck! And what's with you two, anyway? What's with the corny accents? TOM: Corny accents, say ye? We dinnae have no accents! Thou'rt the one who's a-speaking strangely! CROW: Aye, it sounds like you be havin' a cold or whatnot. MIKE: Yeah, come to think of it, my voice sounds a little raspy. [Puts hand on chin] Hmm, that's funny, I just shaved this morning... [Holds up mirror, and sees a strange, weather-beaten man, haggard yet hale, ancient and mysterious, wearing a travel-stained cloak of heavy dark- green cloth] Holy mackerel, I've turned into *Aragorn*! Okay, what did you guys do??? [Suddenly Mike catches a glimpse of the ivy-covered TV. "The Fellowship of the Ring" is playing at the point where the hobbits have entered Rivendell. But instead of the wondrous halls of Elrond, the place has turned into a dark, cheaply-lit set with strange objects poking out of the walls. Boxers and briefs seem to float on the gentle breeze. Two small people can be seen traversing the halls, one, who looks like Sam Gamgee, wearing a red shirt and a black and white striped kilt, The other, who looks like Frodo, is slightly taller, wearing a gold leisure suit and what appears to be a lacrosse mitt as a hat.] SAM: Beggin' your pardon, Mister Frodo, sir, but I've been thinkin'... and... um... I think "Age of Apocalypse" is a much better series than "DC vs. Marvel"! FRODO: Oh, my poor, deluded old Sam Gamgee. How could you not see that that fight between Superman and the Hulk is the stuff that comic books are made of? SAM: They're graphic novels, sir. But what about the angst faced by the characters in their post-apocalyptic roles? Magneto leading the X-Men? Gambit and Rogue's illicit on again, off again love affair? Cyclops and Beast as totally heartless bad guys? All the contrived battles in "DC vs. Marvel" cannot match the utter coolness of Morph and Blink! FRODO: "DC vs. Marvel" had... angst, I think. What about Robin and Jubilee falling in love, only to find out they have to battle each other? SAM: And another thing that gets my ire about "DC vs. Marvel" is how it was supposed to be a fanservice thing with classic characters from the Marvel and DC universes duking it out, and all, but they used all their weird current plot twist characters, like the smart Hulk and the wussy long-haired post-"Death" Superman... and Ben Reilly as Spider-Man, for Bilbo's sake! And the dialogue was so corny--it's all "We should be friends, not enemies" or "We would make better partners than foes" or "Woe that we must be forced to fight instead of sharing camaraderie, alas." I mean... sheesh... you think you would expect more from the writing of Peter "Imzadi" David, Mister Frodo. FRODO: Sam, you are such a fanboy... c'mon, let's go get some hamdingers before Elrond and Glorfindel eat them all... and some forties of Miller Lite while we're at it. SAM: It comes in forties? I'm there! [The scene changes to Rivendell's Hall of Fire, the ancient gathering place of Elrond and his kin, where elves would gather to hear stories and ballads of ages past. But now, a single loremaster sits by the fire, and three elves attend to his elven lay. The fire is so bright that all you can see is the shadows made by their backs.] > LOREMASTER: o/~ Gil-galad was an Elven-king. o/~ ELF #1: Having narrowly beaten out Lung-galad and Osmosis-galad. ELF #2: If this becomes a crossover with "The Life and Adventures of Narsil A. Sword" I'm out of here. > LOREMASTER: o/~ Of him the harpers sadly sing; o/~ ELF #3: Shush! Don't say the H-word! Do you want to get sued by Anne McCaffrey? > LOREMASTER: o/~ the last whose realm was fair and free o/~ ELF #2: But if you wanted HBO, that costed extra. > LOREMASTER: o/~ between the Mountains and the Sea. o/~ ELF #1: With convenient access to schools and shopping. ELF #3: So Gil-galad's kingdom was in Southern California? > LOREMASTER: o/~ His sword was long, his lance was keen o/~ ELF #2: I bet he also had a really big-- [SOL Bridge.] MIKE: Okay, okay, that does it! Crow... why have we merged with the "Lord of the Rings" universe? CROW: Oy, so this bloomin' charade was my fault, were it? What exactly are you insinuatin', knave? MIKE: [investigates the dimensional portal machine] Oh, and look, I bet you left the portal on while we were in the theater, too! Who knows how much damage it's done to the space-time continuum by now? You have to shut down the machine, you guys! If this continues, "Lord of the Rings" will become a low-budget basic cable show that the Sci-Fi Channel will cancel after only three seasons! [A loud crashing sound is heard coming out of nowhere.] MIKE: Darn... I've been meaning to get that fourth wall fixed. TOM: Aye, settle down, laddie. It's only a wee matter of rerouting the dilithium crystals through the flux capacitor by attaching the EPS conduit synthesizer to the rhamostatic converter... CROW: [whisper] Um, wrong Scotsman, Servo. TOM: Oops, sorry... MIKE: I don't care... just turn it off! If we don't, Pearl might merge with Sauron and find The Ring, or worse yet, one of those five-day-long elven ballads! Shut the machine down NOW! GYPSY: [offscreen] Boys, boys! Are you fighting in there, again? CROW: Arrr... who might ye be, matey? [Gypsy emerges, but instead of her usual self, she has become an elf maiden, more radiant than starlight, more beautiful than the rose. On her head is set a crown of glittering jewels, on her wispy, ethereal, yet voluptuous body, a sheer silver robe of finest cloth hangs gracefully over her delicate features. The only distinguishing marks left from the old Gypsy are purple hair and slightly larger-than-average eyes and lips. Think anime goddess.] GYPSY: I'm so sorry, Mike! I was just looking for a VCR to watch my tape of "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" episodes, and I turned this on, and I watched your little elf movie for a while, and I guess I must have wandered off... can you forgive me, Mike? MIKE: [looking at Gypsy, blushing] Well, um... oh, it's nothing, Gypsy... GYPSY: [tripping and falling, pressing her sensual elven body against Mike] Oh, sorry, Mike... I'm not used to feet... MIKE: [looking very embarrassed] *GULP!* TOM: Alright, lads and lassies, I'll be shutting down this infernal machine now-- [reaches for off switch] MIKE: No, wait! On second thought-- [A brilliant explosion rends the space-time curtain asunder. When the smoke clears, both the Satellite of Love and its inhabitants are back to normal.] GYPSY: I'm sorry, Mike, did I bump you? Now what was I doing--oh yeah, I was looking for my DVD of "He Walked By Night". I'll get out of your way now... hey, what are you guys staring at? MIKE: Um... nothing... thank you, Gypsy... [wipes off a sweat drop] Whew... I think I'm going to take a cold shower. [exits] TOM: Hmm... this is so odd... I have a sudden craving for a deep-fried Mars bar... CROW: And I feel like settling down and opening up a tavern or something... strange. [commercial sign flashes] We'll be right back. (((((((( END OF PART 2 -- Other parts coming soon! ))))))))) All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. Lord of the Rings and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl, and she's welcome to it. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. I think our asses are sufficiently covered now... :) Last update: 30 May 2003 - Send comments to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com ----- > "Alright what's the big emergency and why do you need my clothes?"