MSTing - "Legolas, Back to the Future" -- Chapters 1-3 [D&D][SELF] Original Story by Destinygurl Group-MSTed by James Bond, Dreelyn, Freezer, His Majesty the God-Emperor, Bryan McGucken, Keith Palmer, Rebo Valence, River City Random and Juliet A. Youngren Edited by River City Random and Typewriter Monkey [Insert Mystery Science Theater 3000 Castle-era opening here... TWANG!] [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge. The bridge is littered with various pieces of lumber, as well as all sorts of construction tools: hammers, chisels, paintbrushes, saws, cordless screwdrivers, etc. Crow and Tom are running to and fro in the background, each with tools in their hands. Crow is wearing a red smock and a painter's hat; Tom is wearing a baseball cap and a blue smock. Mike enters from the left; he is wearing a white shirt and a paint-stained pair of blue overalls.] MIKE: Hello, everyone. Mike Nelson here on the Satellite of Love. It's been rather busy around here lately. You see, the 'bots have been so intrigued by this home-improvement show called "Trading Spaces", they've decided to do it themselves and decorate *each other's* rooms. Only they don't have working arms, so they've nominated *me* to be their carpenter. I've been fixing up their old furniture for a week! Man, if I ever see a mortise-and-tenon joint again, I'll... [The robots appear on stage, each on either side of Mike.] CROW: We're done! Yay! MIKE: Oh, thank God--I mean, done so soon, guys? TOM: Sure thing, Mike! It was no problem at all once I got into the groove! Yep, with just a few simple tricks I got off the DIY channel, I turned Crow's dingy old room into a bedchamber fit for a king! CROW: Likewise, Mike. Servo's room looked like the set of "Junkyard Wars" before I gave it my own personal touch. Thanks to me, it's now a swinging bachelor pad the chicks will surely go wild for! Now to kick back some brewskis and tune into some Bob Vila reruns... MIKE: Well, don't you want to see your rooms first? That was the whole point of all of this, wasn't it? TOM: Oh yeah, huh? I'd almost forgotten about that. CROW: I can't wait to see my new "royal bedchamber"! See ya later, Tom! [Crow and Tom cross each other behind Mike and exit. The sound of Crow's footsteps and Tom's hoverskirt can be heard, softening to a light whisper, followed by the simultaneous opening of two metal doors. Then all is silent for about ten seconds.] TOM and CROW: AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGHHHH!!!!! [Tom and Crow rush back to the bridge.] TOM and CROW: [to each other, but screaming in Mike's ear] WHAT THE HECK DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM? CROW: What do you mean, "I did?" My room is a disgrace, thanks to you! TOM: "Swinging bachelor pad", huh? I'd like to swing you--from the nearest rope! MIKE: [still reeling from the verbal assault] What are you guys talking about? CROW: Underpants, Mike, underpants! There's underpants all over the room! TOM: He painted my room *yellow* and *green*, Mike! And he replaced all of my hardwood antiques with inflatable chairs, and he took down my Mona Lisa and put up a Farrah Fawcett poster! My "tacky" sensors are going haywire, captain! CROW: And why, oh, why are there all those beer cans and hamdinger wrappers piled up by the wall? What did you do, have a party in my room and forget to take out the trash? TOM: That's my modern art sculpture, Crow. I've been working for months on it. It represents Man's insatiable thirst for knowledge in a world filled with meaty yet ephemeral falsehoods... not like peons like you would ever understand true art. I'll also have you know that I made a very nice set of Roman blinds over all the portholes. CROW: Oh, you must mean those pairs of happy-face boxer shorts you have tacked to the windows... Now every passing spaceship will think I'm some sort of weirdo! And what did you do with my bed? TOM: I thought you liked race-car beds, Crow. It's a lot cooler than the puce-colored plaid Naugahyde futon you put in my room! CROW: I like race-car beds, but did you have to make it TODDLER SIZE? [Stands erect to his full height, nearly reaching Mike's shoulder] Do I look like a TODDLER to you? TOM: And I suppose I look like a sicko hentai pervert to you! Did you have to hang up *every* centerfold in your collection? CROW: Grrr, that tears it!!! [Tom and Crow rush at each other, but Mike holds them at bay.] MIKE: Sheesh... we'll be right back... [Commercial Sign: Do you have bad credit? No credit? Bankruptcy? Reposessions? Foreclosures? Felony convictions? Does even your own family not trust you anymore? Never fear, you can still apply for a No-Hassle credit card! Isn't getting your credit rating back on track worth the cost of your immortal soul, first-born child and eternal servitude? We thought so. Sign up today!] [SOL Bridge. Crow and Tom are still bickering. Mike is nowhere to be found.] TOM: And furthermore, unless you get rid of that hidden speaker playing nothing but Luther Vandross slow jams... CROW: Only when *you* take out that damn Interocitor that's stuck on the Metaluna polka station! [Mike runs in.] MIKE: *huff, pant* I think I know what went wrong, you guys. CROW: I know what went wrong! Servo's a total dickweed. TOM: And Crow is a gold-plated buffoon who has all the fashion sense of a blind man's brothel! MIKE: Guys, guys! I took a look in each of your rooms... Crow's room looks exactly like Tom's room did, and vice versa! Just as if you took all the furniture in one room and just put it in the other! CROW: Huh... I was wondering where I was finding all of that cool stuff! MIKE: So all you have to do is switch rooms and you'll both be happy again! TOM: Awwww... but Crow's room is so far away from the bathroom... MIKE: *sigh* You're a robot. You don't even use the bathroom. [Mads light flashes] Oh, Anna Ryder-Richardson and the Phils are calling. [Castle Forrester. Pearl is holding a very large printout in her hands.] PEARL: Oh hey there, Tool Men. Do you know what time it is? [SOL.] MIKE: Um... Tool Time? [Castle Forrester.] PEARL: Not exactly, Nelford. It's time to kiss your puny wills goodbye!!! For I have found... the Fic! The One Fic to Rule Them All! [Bobo and Observer start chanting in a dark, menacing tongue, scarce heard since the Black Years of ages past. A shadow seems to pass over Pearl, illuminating her in evil darkness.] PEARL: I found it in a most unlikely place... a dark cave from which the light of day never intrudes. I had to wrestle an impish little creature for it... BOBO & OBSERVER: Ash fanfic durbatuluk.... [SOL Bridge. Mike and the bots are stunned.] MIKE: Um, Pearl? You didn't go to fanfiction.net again, did you? TOM: Yeah, didn't we warn you the last time that it would warp your brain? [Castle Forrester.] BOBO & OBSERVER: Ash fanfic gimbatul... PEARL: [wicked grin] Oh, if only you knew... for in this fic contains the power to rend the heavens asunder, to bend the entire universe to its incredible power! BOBO & OBSERVER: Ash fanfic thrakatuluk... PEARL: It will twist you to its will... it will bind you to the eternal darkness and make you a wraithish slave of terror! In the Common Tongue it is called "Legolas, Back To The Future", but on its brow is written DOOM! Let's just say it will make you see a certain Lord of the Rings character in a whole new light! And did I mention that it's 28,000 words long? Guwaa-haa-haa! BOBO: Ash fanfic Cool Hand Luke! Ash fanfic Pikachu! OBSERVER: [to Bobo] Oh, now you're just making stuff up! Shouldn't I send them the fic now, madam? [tries to take the printout] PEARL: [grabs the printout back violently] No! My precious! My preciousssss! [pause] Oh, wait. [SOL Bridge. Sirens blare. A new disco ball Crow installed comes down and fills the room with shiny spots of light.] ALL: AAAAUGH!!! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!! TOM: [looks up at the disco ball] Now hey, that's pretty-- [Mike grabs him and they all run into the theater.] [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] > Legolas, Back to the Future CROW: And again with the wacky crossovers. Jeez, you'd think these guys'd learn... MIKE: [Legolas] They've found me! I don't know how, but they've found me! Run for it, Gimli! TOM: [Gimli] Who? Who? MIKE: [Legolas] Who do you think? The fangirls!!!! > Author: Destinygurl MIKE: It is your destiny... to write a stupid fanfic... that will crush our souls... TOM: Uh, Mike, could you please-- MIKE: With terrible demons within waiting to devour us piece by fleshy piece and tentacle monsters who-- PEARL: [over intercom] Emergency trance-like state disrupter thing *activate*! [Mike's cup holder is set to overturn, spilling the contents into his lap.] MIKE: Ah ah ah ah! COLDCOLDCOLDCOLD! Why, Pearl? WHY?!? It's hard enough to keep my sanity without you trying to-- [Mike's cup refills with McDonalds' Coffee of Crotch-Searing(TM).] MIKE: ...I'll be good. CROW: Heh heh, that ruled! MIKE: WELL, YES, FOR *YOU*... [The cup wobbles dangerously. Mike whimpers.] > PG TOM: Well, that's a relief... CROW: ...it's a change of pace, at least... > - English TOM: Hey Pearl? One of these days, ya gotta send us a fanfic entirely written in ancient Greek. Wouldn't that be cool? PEARL: [over intercom] Aww, but that would defeat the entire point! If you couldn't understand it, then you couldn't be made insane by it! MIKE: Exactly! PEARL: [over intercom] Uh huh. Well Nelson, since this evil mad scientist doesn't take requests, suppose you could get back to the pain, and the suffering, and the, uh, "Oh my god, my virgin eyes!" and, uh, that stuff huh? MIKE: You're no fun. PEARL: [over intercom] Aww, Miiike, that's hurtful! You shouldn't say nasty things like that! > - General/Humor CROW: "Humor"? "HUMOR"?!? You wanna see "humor", fic? Suck this! > - Reviews: 5 - MIKE: Well, I guess you could consider this a review... > Publish date: 02-22-03 - TOM: Hey, that's pretty recent. Pearl, are you running out of fics? PEARL: [over intercom, amused] Nelson, freaks, you should know that there is a *never-ending supply* of pathetic fanfics. ALL: Yeah, I guess you're right, uh huh. > Updated: 03-10-03 CROW: So this "28,000-word epic" took only two and a half weeks to write? TOM: Be afraid... be very afraid... > story id: 1245772 MIKE: [announcer] Please refer to this number for all correspondence regarding the fanfic. CROW: Oh, you mean like this: "Eat me, 1245772!" TOM: No, more like this: "Return to the stygian abyss from which you were demon-spawned, 1245772!" CROW: That works, I suppose... > 1. Arrivals CROW: And here are this fall's new arrivals in Middle Earth. You'll find these stylish faux hobbit-hair sandals, to protect those sensitive feet whether you're climbing Mount Doom or prancing through the Shire! TOM: Next up is this stylish Lothlorien silk number, straight from our popular Arwen line! Who says that immortality can't be stylish? > Disclsimer: MIKE: The Well-Tempered Disclsmier, by J.S. Bach. [Dead silence.] MIKE: Okay, fellas, don't freak out! She DOES get points for HAVING a disclaimer... TOM: But... CROW: But... MIKE: I know, I know, it isn't that big a-- CROW: Mike, she misspelled the word disclaimer! You just don't *do* that! MIKE: Relax, relax! TOM: The first word of the fic has been misspelled... this is bad... MIKE: RELAX! > I don't own anything from the Lord Of The Rings' MIKE: [Destinygurl] *sniff* I don't even own a Frodo coloring book... > This story is only CROW: ...punishment for our sins in another life. > for my enjoymentand the enjoyment of people reading. TOM: Well, it's bound to fail on one of those counts... CROW: So, if we don't enjoy it, we can't watch it! Yay! (starts to walk out) MIKE: (pulls him back in) Oh, no you don't! > > > TOM: And remember, if you die of boredom reading this fanfic, you do not get a free coffin. > I was sitting in my living room with my best friend Carolyn, we were > watching Lord of the rings for the thousandth time TOM: [to the tune of "Wet Dream" by Kip Addotta] ~ My Sony Playstation was in the shop so... I was using a rented Panasonic... and it was overheating. ~ CROW: [truant officer] Can you girls please explain to me why these doctor's notes say "infected with Tolkien fever"? > when all of a sudden the power went out, TOM: And she was eaten by a grue. The end! MIKE: You know, sudden loss of power for no reason is the first sign that you're in a survival horror game. CROW: Great. I bet she'll just *have* to go down into the *basement* next, right? *Right*? > it was pitch black. CROW: Vin Diesel is Frodo Baggins in The Lord of the Rings: The Fast and the Furious Saving of Private xXx! > "Carolyn where are you?" I called. CROW: [Crystal] I need some help from you now! MIKE: Crow!!!! *swings his fist* Enough with your hentai-- CROW: What, what? It was a Scooby-Doo riff! Honest! MIKE: It is? Oh, sorry, never mind then. > "Over here, Crystal, by the window." Carolyn answered MIKE: Carolyn, no! You have too much to live for! TOM: What are you talking about, Mike? She's the sideshow in a bad Mary Sue fanfic! MIKE: Well, in that case... jump, Carolyn, jump! Get out of there while you still have time! > "Come here we have to find some matches or a flashlight." > > We began to grope around CROW: [quickly] -on each other- > in the darkness without much luck. CROW: [Crystal] Then we remembered we had to take off our clothes first. [Pause.] MIKE: Did you write this fic? CROW: Heck no! MIKE: Shut up then. > CRASH! CROW: Agh, they're being assaulted by an onomatopeoia! > "Oops I hope mom didn't want that lamp anymore." ALL: ... TOM: [Crystal] Damn, I can't believe I knocked that over! Jeez! CROW: [Carolyn] But Crystal, those lamps are really heavy and won't overturn without a pretty big-- TOM: [Crystal] Accident! CROW: [Carolyn] But I *saw* you walk over to that lamp and deliberately knock it over! TOM: [Crystal] ACCIDENT! CROW: [Carolyn] Crystal, you wrote down what you were going to do on this piece of-- TOM: [Crystal] *ACCIDENT*! > MIKE: [singing] ~ Mystery Science Theater.... three thouuuusaaaannnddd!!! ~ > TWANG! TOM: Man... how *does* he do that? MIKE: I'm just gifted that way, I suppose. > An arrow whizzed passed my head and hit the wall. MIKE: I guess she *did* want that lamp! TOM: My name is Chris Jussel. You killed my Tiffany lamp. Prepare to die! > POP! ALL: ~ GOES THE WEASEL!!! ~ MIKE: "Batman V: The Sound Effects Strike Back!" > The lights came on and there in my living room was Legolas > Greenleaf Prince of Mirkwood MIKE: Captain of the Kids' Crew... TOM: Heir to the throne of Essex... CROW: Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx... MIKE: ...and an alcoholic. ALL: Hi, Legolas! > standing with his hands on his twin blades, MIKE: You see, the first blade lifts the head, and the second-- TOM: Hey! No pulling "Cave Dwellers" into this! MIKE: Whoops--sorry. > bow and empty quiver abandoned by his side. TOM: The bow then sued for divorce on abandonment grounds. She won big, but spent the money on therapy. Sad really. MIKE: [Legolas] Wazzaaaaaaaaap! TOM: OOO! That gives me an idea! CROW: Can it be? MIKE: You think... [drumroll] ALL: SCENE! [At "Walker, Texas Ranger" Speed (TM) a set is constructed. It is of a house.] TOM: [Crystal] Hey Carolyn, whatcha doin'? CROW: [Carolyn] Nothin' much. Watchin' the game, drinkin' a Bud. TOM: [Crystal] True, true. MIKE: [bursting through the "door", Legolas] Wwwwaaaaazzzaaaaaaaaaaaaaap! TOM: [Crystal] Waazaaaaaaaaap! CROW: [Carolyn] Wwaazaaaaaaaaaap! TOM: [Crystal] WAAZAAAAAAAAAP! MIKE: [Legolas] Konnichi wa! CAMBOT: [arrow] Konnichi why? ALL: [various characters] Wwwwwwaaazzzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!!! MIKE: [Legolas] So whatcha doin'? TOM: [Crystal] Nothin' much. Watchin' the game, drinkin' a Bud. MIKE: [Legolas] True, true. TOM: END SCENE! [There is a fifteen-second pause.] PEARL: [over intercom] What in the blue living heck was that? OBSERVER:[over intercom] Madam, I am afraid that I have no idea whatsoever. [Another long pause.] PEARL: [over intercom] I am terrified. BOBO: [over intercom] Would you like me to hold you, Lawgiver? PEARL: [over intercom, repulsed] ... I'll never be that scared, Bobo. > > ************************************* > > 2. Barking and talking CROW: Oh no - It's the new "Scooby Doo" movie! > Disclamer: See first Chapter TOM: Second Disclaimer: I'm too lazy to cut and paste. CROW: [Crystal] Can't stop for anything! Have to get this story out the door! > The sudden light seemed to daze Legolas for a second MIKE: Like a deer caught in the headlights. TOM: A common expression seen on Legolas in the presence of fangirls. > giving me time to TOM: Plunge one of Legolas' blades right into his chest! > grab Carolyn's arm CROW: [Carolyn] Owww! Bring that back! > and pull her into my room we locked the door CROW: I refuse to believe these are real girls. Wouldn't any respectable fan girl have glomped this guy into asphyxiation by now? MIKE: But he's armed! CROW: Come on, Mike, nothing short of a nuclear missile would be enough to hold off a fan girl, if that even... > and hoped he wasn't strong enough to break it open (it was only a flimsy > push lock) MIKE: God knows those large, sharp dual swords he has couldn't get through. CROW: It's a low-budget Panic Room. > "Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh" Carolyn screeched, CROW: Sheesh! *Take* a *breath*! MIKE: [Carolyn] We're in a *pickle* here! TOM: [valley girl] Like oh...ma...gawd...there is totally this elf guy in our living room? He...is such...a shshshshshshwwwwwwingerrrrr! Yeeeeeaaahhh!!! > I quickly put my hand over her mouth hoping that the blaring radio drowned > us out. MIKE: And the period makes its first appearance of the chapter! > "We have to be quiet" I hissed. CROW: [Carolyn] You don't think that radio we turned on to muffle our voices will lead him here, will it? > "But Leg-" TOM: [Crystal] --ends of the Fall is a terrible movie, I know! CROW: [Carolyn] First you grab my arm, now you want my leg too? > "Yes I know Legolas is standing out in my living room CROW: [Carolyn] No, I meant I was standing on some Legos! > but in case you didn't know he nearly skewered me CROW: [snickers] Guess the "stakes" are pretty high, then? MIKE AND TOM: Aaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhh!!! TOM: Crow, you oughtta be "skewered" for that one! CROW: Ain't I a stinker? > with and arrow and he looked about ready to kill us both MIKE: The elves of Mirkwood being widely known as mindless killers. TOM: [Legolas] So many bodies... it's like a smorgasbord of victims in here! CROW: When Good Elves Go Bad! The new FOX reality show, coming this fall! > with those twin blades of his, MIKE: Yeah, those ice skates definitely looked deadly. > also might I remind you that all you need to get into this room is a coat > hanger or a pen." TOM: Ah, so the pen *is* mightier than the sword! CROW: [Carolyn] So we're trapped in a house with a deranged elf trying to kill us, the only thing standing between him and us is a flimsy, easily opened door...so how are we safe again? [A ticking sound becomes audible.] > So we sat in silence for a few minutes trying to decipher elf footsteps > (which is impossible) TOM: But since they're author avatars, they could do it anyway! [The ticking becomes louder.] > BARK BARK BARK!!! TOM: [Douglas Adams] Due to a terrible miscalculation of scale, the author was accidentally swallowed by a small dog. > Teddy my tiny white mutt was barking frantically outside my > room. "Quiet" Legolas muttered TOM: [Elmer Fudd] Heh heh heh heh heh...we're huntin' wapdogs! [The ticking pauses, then continues louder then before.] TOM: What the heck is that? > and I heard the unsheathing of a knife. CROW: I don't know, Mike... all this talk about knives and blades and "unsheathing", it's kind of hard to resist making a comment... MIKE: [grating teeth] Crow... as soon as we get out of here... your Freudian subroutines are GONE, do you hear me?!?! TOM: Yeah, Crow, sometimes a huge blade being unsheathed is *just* a huge blade being unsheathed, OK? > Before Carolyn could stop me I ran out the door yelling CROW: [Crystal] DON'T LOOK AT MY DRAPES! I haven't redecorated yet! > "don't hurt him he's just a puppy." CROW: He's too *cute* to die! TOM: Huh...I guess Jackson cut out all the parts from the book where Legolas went on wild rampages of slaughter and bloodlust. MIKE: Puts a whole different spin on the character. [The ticking is now earsplitting.] > After my moment of insanity I CROW: ...stopped writing the story and destroyed all traces of it on my hard drive. TOM: *sigh* If only... > turned around and was staring at the blade of a very sharp knife. TOM: [Lady Macbeth] Is this a fanfic I see before me, its self-insertion towards my hand? Come, let me MiST thee... CROW: [Crystal] Wow, I didn't know they had Ginzu knives on Middle-earth... TOM: [Legolas] Slices, dices, and juliennes orcs, plus it came with that pocket fisherman! How could I go wrong? > Now it was Carolyn's turn to burst ALL: Ewwwwww! > out the door ALL: Whew! > and yell TOM: [Carolyn] I've seen her drapes! They really are terrible! > "don't hurt her she's my best friend." CROW: [Carolyn] You can't kill her! She still owes me ten bucks! [Mike leaps out of his chair, his entire head twitching violently. The ticking noise can be identified to be coming from the base of his skull.] MIKE: [screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUGGGHHHH!!! TOM: Mike, maybe you should-- MIKE: [screaming] WHAT THE BLITHERING HECK IS THIS? WHERE DID HE COME FROM? WHY IS HE HERE? TOM: Why did the lights fail? MIKE: YES! *WHY* DID THE *LIGHTS FAIL*?!? AND *WHEN* DID *LEGOLAS* BECOME A *BLOODTHIRSTY KILLER*?!? > Legolas had a moment of hesitation not knowing whom to TOM: Or was it "who to"? Legolas always got those two mixed up. > point the weapon at TOM: That's why he has *two* blades. Problem solved. CROW: Heh heh, bet he's had lots of trouble trying to figure out where to point his "weapon" before... MIKE: Shut up! No time for hentai; I'm outraged at the lack of logic in this fic! *WHEN* DID LEGOLAS *EVER* BECOME INDECISIVE AND COMPLETELY HELPLESS IN A STARTLING COMBAT SITUATION? GOD *HELP* THE TRAINED ELFIN WARRIOR IF HE COMES UP AGAINST A *DOBERMAN PINSCHER*! AND OUR SO-CALLED "HEROES" ARE DUMBER THAN BRICKS! AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEUUUUUUURRAAAAAAAAAGGAAAUUUUUUUUUUGH! [Mike's head explodes.] TOM: Oh, my--Mike! MIKE! CROW: Look at those brains! That's *disgusting*! That'll *never* get out of the upholstery! [Mike slumps over. When he straightens up, he has another head. He's shaking badly.] MIKE: Was... worth... it... [Mike falls unconscious into a pile of his own brains.] CROW: ...Well, *that's* something you don't see every day. > I took my chance and slowly stood up. Immediately I felt the cold blade > against my neck. TOM: [Crystal] Um...thanks Legolas, but I already shaved this week. > Trying to stay calm I looked straight into his blue eyes and pleaded CROW: [Crystal] Where'd you get those contacts? They look almost natural! > "Look. don't hurt us, CROW: Peter Jackson's the one you want! He's the one that made you fight orcs on a skateboard in "Two Towers"! TOM: I'd hate to see what would happen if Gimli saw what they did to him in that movie... *shudder* > I don't know why you here but we mean you no harm if you would kindly TOM: ...get into character... > remove your knife from my neck we could have a civilized conversation and CROW: Yes, having a knife embedded in your flesh tends to hinder the ability to converse effectively. > try to figure out how you got here and how to get you back." CROW: [singing] ~ Get back... get back... get back to where you once belonged!!! ~ TOM: [Crystal] And if you happen to find some punctuation on the way, I could use some. > The blade was withdrawn ALL: Noooo! Leave it in! Leave it in! > although I think it was more because Teddy thought this would be a good > time to greet the 'visitor' TOM: Uh oh, I hope Legolas has a good dry cleaner... > by jumping up and down and barking joyously. [The bots start barking "Ode To Joy."] TOM: [Teddy] Our crossover mischaracterized emotionless killer elfin warrior prince is here! Yaaaaaaaaay! > The look on Legolas' face was pure panic. TOM: [Legolas] We never studied tiny puppies in warrior training! Aaaaaaaugh!!!! > "Guard dog my ass" Carolyn said under her breath. CROW: [Carolyn] Hey, Teddy, where are you going? What are you doing? I didn't mean it literally! Hey, don't sniff there! > "If you promise not to try and kill me TOM: [Crystal] I promise I won't write another Legolas self-insertion fic... *under breath* Ha ha, the fool!!!!!! > I will remove my dog from your leg" CROW: [Legolas] You'd better, 'cause if you don't I'll be really "pissed"... get it? TOM: [sigh] I'm not even going to deign to respond to that. [The ticking is audible again.] CROW: Oh, for the love of... > I said trying not to laugh. CROW: [Crystal] Hee hee, the imminent death of me and my friends is funny! [The ticking is louder.] > "Please do," He said dryly (I guess he has never owned a small > dog before) CROW: Guy rule #3: If it's smaller than a football, it's not a real dog. [The ticking becomes earsplitting once again.] CROW: Damnit, damnit, damnit... > I grabbed Teddy after a few minutes of chasing him around > the living room ~Stupid elf laughing at me lets see him try this~ CROW: [Carolyn] Crys, honey? The voices in your head are bleeding through again! > and was presently trying to calm him down. > Meanwhile Carolyn went downstairs to start a fire in the wood burning > stove. CROW: [Crystal] I shoved Legolas into a cage, where we'd fatten him up and cook him later. That'll teach him to eat our gingerbread! > "Sit down and make yourself at home." I said motioning to the couch. CROW: Ten seconds later... BOMP CHICKA WOW! BOMP CHICKA WOW!! TOM: [screaming] *WHAT* *IS* *THIS*? What is going on with this frickin' story?!?!? "Hi, I'm Legolas, and I'm a homicidal maniac, but loose a small canine on me and I'm terrified and helpless!" What the heck is up with *that*?!? And very good of the author's Mary Sue "Hi, I'm Crystal! My interests include going to the mall, hanging out with my friends, and being threatened for my life by stereotypically bad killer elves." I mean, she's taking it awfully *lightly* for having a character from a *book* suddenly *appear in her living room*! Who knows, maybe Crystal will take a coin out and give it to Legolas, who will go "Ooooo, shiiiiinyyy!" and allow them to escape! LEGOLAS IS A PROUD, MIGHTY MILLENIA-OLD ELF PRINCE, AND HE'S NO ONE'S PERSONAL PLAYTHING! URAAAAAAAUUUUGGGHHH!!!! [Tom's dome flies off and explodes quite fantastically in midair. The rest of his body plops to the floor. Crow idly steals his popcorn.] CROW: Jeez, I'm the only one left... > A few minutes later as Carolyn was coming upstairs, outside the wind gave > a howl. CROW: Aaagh! It's the warwilf! [pause] That'd be pretty cool, actually. > I looked to Carolyn then to Legolas and informed him that there was going > to be a big storm tonight CROW: Yeah, it's a big storm, but it's not The Perfect Storm! And it ain't the storm of the century, either! [pause] Actually, Andre Lenoge would spice this fic up quite nicely... [evil grin] > so we should postpone our little chat until we got some candles lit and > some flashlights at hand. CROW: *Or*, you could just *sit around the fire*, which is *why it was lit*... > I pulled Carolyn aside and CROW: Stuck my tongue down her throat. [very long pause.] Hey, there's no one to smack me for making hentai comments! *SWEET*! > warned her not to let on that she knew who he was. CROW: [Crystal] I don't want Legolas to know about my sex change! > "You're likely to get lots of questions you don't want to answer CROW: Like if the Backstreet Boys write their own music. > and another knife at your neck." CROW: [standing up] What, you mean *more* of them? How the heck can you fool an ancient, immortal elf, even if he's been teleported into a completely different setting? And how do you, teenage girls who aren't Japanese, plan to lie to an *elf lord*? What does-- [looks at the bodies of his two fallen comrades] Oh. Right. Must not think. Thinking bad. Thinking leads to death. Right. Got it. Right. > We agreed to keep quiet. CROW: As we rubbed each other's breasts. Yes! The power of perv heals all wounds! Bwaaahahahahaha! PEARL: [over intercom] Make a note, Observer. OBSERVER: [over intercom] Absolutely, madam. > As we went to find CROW: Our dominatrix outfits; we needed a change of clothes anyway. Fortunately, the stains would wash off... Hee hee hee, this is fun! > some flashlights we introduced ourselves to Legolas CROW: Hi, we're the two girls you tried to murder! > and he introduced himself to us CROW: [Legolas] Hi! I'm every geek-grrl's dream made flesh by fine British actor Orlando Bloom! > (although we already knew who he was) [Mike groans and turns over.] MIKE: What did I miss? CROW: Oh nothing Mike; just the story getting goofier and goofier... MIKE: ...and the realm of unconsciousness was so much better... [busies himself with putting on another Tom head] > we also found out that he was fighting some Uruk-Hai ALL: Gesundheit! > in the battle by the river Anduin when he was transported here hence being > almost out of arrows [PAUSE.] CROW: Actually, that's a pretty good excuse. MIKE: You do realize that this story really messes with the Lord of the Rings timeline? I mean, if this had really happened, we wouldn't be able to see Legolas for who knows how long, and he probably would have come back murmuring about things like electric blankets. CROW: What's your point? MIKE: My *point* is that fanfiction is supposed to be something that might have happened in the officially-established canon. If you want to make your *own* canon, that would imply-- CROW: Mike, your ears are bleeding. MIKE: [dabbing at his ears] Ah, bloody hell... CROW: And let me guess: that was the part of the movie they were watching, right? MIKE: Oh come on, surely they can't be that-- > actually that was the same scene that we were watching MIKE: They were trying to figure out how Boromir could take all those arrows to the chest and still keep on fighting for ten minutes... > when the power went out CROW: [church lady] And we all know how conveeeeeeenient *that* is! > so we figured that the power outage had something to do with him being > here. MIKE: They obviously got top marks in the "Advanced Parallel Universes" course. CROW: [Crystal] I mean, routine loss of electricity regularly opens up portals to worlds that don't exist. No biggie. [Pause.] MIKE: ...Help... [Tom comes around.] TOM: Ah, whaddid I--[looks at the above paragraph] Oh, sweet jesus flooty! CROW: Welcome back, Tommy. > "Ah ha, I found it" Carolyn said triumphantly. TOM: The plot? MIKE: A spelling and grammar checker? CROW: A copy of "Lord of the Rings" so we can check this story against the canon? ALL: Naaaah. > "What did you find?" asked Legolas unaware that we were looking for > anything. TOM: So what did he think they were doing? Making sure all the rooms were still there? CROW: [Carolyn] Crystal's whips and Playgirls, of course! Weeehee! [*crunch*] Ow... forgot... MIKE: [dusting off his hands] Ah, good to be back. > "The power outage box" I answered, ALL: D'oh! MIKE: [Crystal] Just flick this switch and the power goes out ten miles away! You have no idea how fun it is... > "it has all the things one might need if the power went out like > flashlights cand-" CROW: Candy? > "What are flashlights again?" Legolas asked inquisitively. TOM: [Crystal] You know, those things cops beat you with... > (Sigh) CROW: Elves aren't too quick on the draw, are they? TOM: I'm still impressed she managed to sigh in the narrative. > "Ok Legolas for the third time CROW: [Crystal] You adorable bag of hammers, you... > a flashlight is a safe portable source of light TOM: Yeah, they replaced buckets of flaming whale oil just in time. > that runs on batteries like these." I said taking out four AA batteries > to show him. TOM: [Legolas] Hmmm, can you eat these...bzzzzzzzzz...aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!! > "And what are bat-" MIKE: [Crystal] Vampire, fruit, or baseball? > "Batteries are a portable power source they use acid TOM: They're not the only ones using acid in this story, I'm afraid... > and creates electricity." ALL: ... TOM: It's official. Crystal knows *nothing* about electricity, batteries, or life in general. > I answered before he could finish the question. "And what is > electricity?" MIKE: Can't he just start with wholesome, all-natural acid and work from there? > "Legolas! MIKE: [Crystal] Don't you remember our lesson with Mr. Tazer? > Enough with the questions CROW: [Crystal] Stupid primitive windbag! You dare waste the great Crystal's time with your inane babbling? WA-TAK! > right now I will look it up in one of those books later" MIKE: [Crystal] Thinking makes my head hurt. > I said gesturing to the bookshelf behind me. TOM: Uh, Crystal? Would you consider it, a-heh, a smart thing to get fed up and give orders to the wacko killer elf guy with twin knives who likes to use them? > " So N-E-Way TOM: North-East Way? CROW: [cheerful] Enn-ee-hoo! > in the power outage box there are CROW: [Johnny Longbow] Corn, green peppers, chicken, *yawn* onions... > flashlights, candles, a propane BBQ and some food CROW: Power outage box? Sounds like a left-over Y2K storage shelter. > that doesn't need to be cooked like beef jerky." MIKE: So...that makes the propane barbeque rather *useless*, doesn't it? TOM: He gets tossed into a strange new world, but he *still* can't get a hot meal! > Carolyn put in before Legolas could ask any more questions. MIKE: What...she's a psychic now? CROW: More like psycho! > "Thank you" I mouthed. If he had asked one more question I > would have clobbered him with a book saying "Here 'THUD' CROW: I thought his name was Legolas. > is an encyclopaedia CROW: An "encyclo-wha?" MIKE: I think that's a European spelling. TOM: Say, you think we can shoehorn a shot at the French here? CROW: Only if I get a return shot at Canada. MIKE: Hey, no one's saying anything about anybody until I get California. TOM: Agreed. CROW: Cool. [Pause] MIKE: So... What were we talking about again? TOM: No clue! CROW: I dunno! MIKE: So... Reset and move on? BOTS: Agreed! > look it up yourself" Although it wouldn't have done much > good him being unconscious after the first blow but it would make me feel > better. TOM: Is it really wise to attack a blade-wielding super-powerful immortal being with a large, cumbersome book? MIKE: Only if it were a compilation of bad fanfics and you forced him to read them trapped on a satellite in outer space... CROW: Oh yeah, like *that* would ever happen... >************************************** > > 3. Records, Spatulas, and one very tired Elf TOM: [Carson as Karnac] Name a spinner, and flipper, and a Keebler! MIKE: [Ed McMahon] Ho ho ho! Yes! CROW: [rubbs his hands together] Right, *now* we're gettin' somewhere! MIKE: Crow, that's just... ew... > Disclamer: I don't own anything *sob* nothing at all. TOM: *sobbing* Peter Jackson's lawyers sued me for everything! CROW: *sniffling* I even sold my soul to the Lord of Darkness for a first printing of The Silmarillion! > "C'mon help me get this upstairs then I'll give you the grand tour." > So after many more What's this' from Legolas MIKE: For an elf prince, he's awfully inquisitive and annoying and unable to take hints, isn't he? > we finally got that stupid box into the living room and started our tour. CROW: [Legolas] So why did you take me directly to your bed cham... TOM: SLAM! CLICK! CROW: [Legolas] ...ber? MIKE: Guys... > "This is the dining room" CROW: ...Which she doesn't own. MIKE: [Crystal] In case you didn't know, which I'm sure you didn't, we eat in here. TOM: [Legolas] No!!! Really????? > Carolyn started and before Legolas could ask Carolyn was already > explaining the microwave. CROW: ...Which she doesn't own. TOM: [Legolas] Hmm, what does this button do? *** BOOM! *** MIKE: [Carolyn] Wow, when they said Nuclear Burritos, I didn't think they were serious! > I had taken to walking around with a soft cover dictionary CROW: ...Which she doesn't own-- MIKE: Okay, we get it. > so I could answer Legolas' questions easily and also if I got the urge to > whack him it wouldn't do much damage. CROW: Of course, because threatening him won't get him to whip out the knives and strip you into a fine fangirl conffetti, will it? > "Crystal...Crystal" "Huh? What?" TOM: [Carolyn] The doorknob to the tea room is jiggling. MIKE: [zombie] Braaaaaaiiiins... TOM: [Carolyn, badly dubbed] Watch out! It's a monster! CROW: [Legolas, badly dubbed] Let me take care of this! > Carolyn jerked me from my train of thought MIKE: ["Last Clear Chance" conductor] Why don't they look? > I realized that we were in my room and Legolas was asking me what my > record player did. MIKE: [Crystal] Oh, that? Hell, I dunno, Dad just put it in here and said it played these huge plastic things. Now, let me show you my MP3 player! > "It works by using a needle with a laser on the end CROW: She has one of those $10,000 laser turntables only nightclub disk jockeys use? TOM: So much for owning nothing, nothing at all. > and a record or album. MIKE: Or a disc, or a platter, or even an acetate... CROW: Okay, we get it. > By reading the laser writing on the record CROW: You can find subliminal satanic messages! > it sends out music, like this" [Mike and the bots begin humming the theme from "That Seventies Show".] > I said putting in my 'Cats' record CROW: [Legolas] *This* is music??? MIKE: [CATS] All your record are belong to us! You have no chance to survive MAKE YOUR TIME! > (Cats, a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber) TOM: For the three of you who didn't know that... > 'Memory turn your face to the moonlight CROW: [singing along] ~ O God, this whole scene is so banal... ~ > I can smile at the old days I was beautiful then TOM: [singing] ~ Let me out of this hell hole, I'll be happier then... ~ > I remember the time I knew what happiness is MIKE: Ya know, I think poor Legolas was singing that line after he got transported into this mess. > Look a new life will begin' > > -Memory by T.S. Elliot MIKE: Umm... Which scene from "Cats" is _that_ from? TOM: Third act of the Off-Off-Off-Off-Off-Off-Broadway production. CROW: At least it wasn't the Barbra Streisand version... *shudder* > "Impressive" Legolas Muttered in awe. ~Oy he is impressed by the oldest > technology in the house~ TOM: [Crystal] I *suppose* he'll just *want* to play on my Atari 2600 next! CROW: She is just *BEGGING* to be orc-slapped, isn't she? > "And this" I said climbing easily onto my bunk bed "is my bed you can > sleep here if you like MIKE: Still, I'm not really seeing that usual fangirl aggression. CROW: Well, maybe they both swallowed a couple bottles of Valium before the fic started. > or in my little sister's room CROW: [Crystal] She's used to having strange men in her bed. > she is away at camp for two weeks so it doesn't matter. ALL: ~ Nothing really matters, anyone can see, that nothing really matters, to me! ~ CROW: Well, except for that cardboard cutout of J. K. Rowling in the closet...I think it's possessed. > Carolyn and I are having a sleepover so we are sleeping in > the rec room downstairs." MIKE: Oh! Now it makes perfect sense! She's I. R. Baboon! TOM: [Crystal] I are much smarter than YOU, Elf-boy! > After looking into my sister's room he came back into mine and said, "I > think I will sleep here after all I would feel more comfortable up > higher." MIKE: That's either a diplomatic way of putting it, or he's worried the flood waters are about to rise. > Just then BOOM TOM: John Madden arrived! > there was a crash of thunder the storm had started > and what a storm it was rain, thunder, lightning and the wind we heard > earlier. MIKE: [scoffing] *That's* a hell of a storm? I'll give you a hell of a storm! Thirty below, hailstones the size of golfballs, 30mph winds, and lightning bolts. And that's a *good* day for Minnesota! > ~We'd better make dinner in case the power > goes out again~ I though realizing that I was starving "Hey guys are > you hungry?" I asked already knowing the answer at least from Carolyn. > "Guys?" Legolas asked puzzled. CROW: [Legolas] You're... crossdressers?!? TOM: [Carolyn] No! Well... Technically, not since the operation, anyway... > "Guy is a generalization for a group of people as in 'hey you guys'" MIKE: Oh I get it...they're shooting the film version of this fic on the set of "The Electric Company." BOTS: Cool! > Carolyn explained before I could hit him over the head with the first > thing I grabbed. CROW: You know, maybe *Legolas* needs to be afraid of *Crystal*. MIKE: [Legolas] Hey c'mon, quit it already. Sheesh, chick is totally bummin' me out. > (My Harry Potter and the goblet of fire book in hardcover) MIKE: [Crystal] You see this book, elf man...that's your competition, buddy boy, so no more stupid questions! TOM: Wow, she'd not only knock him unconcious, but send thousands of Tolkien fanatics into a violent rage. [He pauses] CROW: Check, smack Legolas with a Harry Potter book. Gotcha. MIKE: Uh, guys? Remember what happened when we beat up Patrick Stewart with a plastic light saber? TOM: Ohhhh.... *shudder* CROW: Isn't it illegal to mention that particular franchise in a story with a Tolkien character? TOM: Illegal? We'll be lucky if it doesn't open up a space-time vortex! CAPT. PICARD: [popping in through a space-time vortex] Hello! ALL: Aaaaaaaaugh!!! > "Oooh" Legolas said with a look of enlightenment on his face, CROW: He'd recently installed GNOME on his Linux desktop. TOM: [Legolas] I'm thankful for the Bohdi Tree you have in your living room! MIKE: [Legolas] Forget hours of meditation and self-examination; all I need to attain enlightenment is the thought of having a ham sandwich. > "Yes then I'm hungry, but I'll only eat if I can watch you prepare it." MIKE: [Legolas] I've got a list of food allergies like you wouldn't believe! > I guessed he still didn't fully trust us. TOM: Of course not! A couple of idealistic teens out for a little self-aggrandizement? I'd be running like hell by now! CROW: [Legolas, grumbling] Threaten *me* with a Harry Potter book, will they? Well, let's just wait fifty years and see how many college English course reading lists *J. K. Rowling's* still on! > "Yes you can watch us only if you be quiet and don't touch anything" [pause] CROW: I'm gonna let that just cruise by without comment, and let the rest of you think about it. > Said Carolyn worried he would hurt himself with something like the > electric knife. CROW: Or more accurately, take bloody revenge with it. TOM: [Legolas] Eh! It's no chainsaw, but it'll do! *BZZZZZ!!!* > > > It got very crowded in my tiny 4'x7' kitchen MIKE: Wow! Is this a kitchen or an index card? CROW: Someone really ought to fire that architect. > with Carolyn making the salad and garlic bread, me making the 'meat > tortellini with garlic Alfredo sauce CROW: This is a remarkably fancy meal to race a power outage for. TOM: Well, if the choice is that or propane-toasted jerky, I know what I'd want! MIKE: Hey, say what you want about their grammar, spelling, incredibly contrived non-plot and rampant violence by and against elves--these girls sure can cook! > and Legolas TOM: ...slashing his wrists with the electric knife in a hopeless attempt to escape the fanfic. > just standing there. CROW: [Crystal] Legolas? Why don't you get the flip out of here and watch TV or something... incompetent pig dog! > I was about to start the sauce when Legolas asked, MIKE: [Legolas] Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? > "What's that?" "Legolas... it is a spatula it's used to stir things and > whack people like this" I said smacking him upside the head with it. TOM: [Legolas] Boy, that reminds me... why haven't I disembowled you yet? > Boy was that funny even Legolas was laughing MIKE: If only to keep from crying. TOM: Boy, we know how *he* feels... CROW: [Legolas] Oh, you are so [snicker] *dead* [*bursts out laughing*] > that's when I clued in that he knew all along what a spatula was and was > just asking to bug me so I smacked him again TOM: [almost in tears] Mike, she's treated the Prince of Mirkwood like Al Bundy! MIKE: [Legolas] I jumped onto a cave troll's head, shot out its eye and killed it with an arrow to the mouth, but I am powerless against she who wields a spatula. > (harder this time) TOM: Must we all resort to such violence? MIKE: I think we just stepped into an alternate universe where everyone is wired as violent sociopaths. > and gave his my patented death glare. He TOM: Fell over dead, as the Mary Sue union bylaws demanded. Boy am I fun! > backed off right away TOM: [Crystal] Started muttering something about "Darkness beyond twilight" and "crimson beyond blood..." > and told me I had the best glare he has ever seen CROW: Oh Crystal, glare at me just like that...yes...yes... yemmmmmphphphphffffrrrffrrmmmpphhphphmmmmm... MIKE: [clamping hand over Crow's beak] Crow, knock that off. This story's painful enough without you being a pig! CROW: [grumbling] Razzen frazzen sasafrassen hunga munga... > even better than Aragorn's TOM: Ha! Aragorn's glare is nothing next to Elrond, wielder of the deadly eyebrows! CROW: Out of all the ways he could favourably compare her to the other characters, he picks Aragorn's "glare?" MIKE: Well, he could have said she was taller than Frodo... > ~no wonder people cower when I glare at them.~ CROW: [Destinygurl] They're afraid I'll put them in one of my stories! TOM: [announcer] From this point forward, the part of Crystal will be played by Marrissa Flores. > > > After dinner we were all sitting in the living room talking about > trivial things CROW: Such as shoe polish! TOM: State capitals! MIKE: Obscure Shakespeare quotes! CROW: Potato salad recipes! TOM: Balls of twine! MIKE: The air velocity of an unladen swallow! CROW: Mobius strips, Jell-O wrestling, mint-flavored cigarettes! TOM: Batteries, spatulas, records! > when I realized how tired Legolas must be. DUH! CROW: [Crystal] Like, gag me with a spoon! > How could have I forgotten he was just ending a battle when he came here TOM: Because your time together has turned into some bizarre episode of The Facts of Life? > and that was nearly three hours ago it was now almost midnight. MIKE: [resumes earlier song] ~ Miiiiidniiiiiight...not a plot to be haaaaad heeeeere, what the hell is this gaaaaaaarbaaaaage... ~ > I also realized that Legolas hadn't joined into the CROW: [screaming] OOORGYYYY! [*smackbambangcongclangthudbiffthud*] CROW: Ow... Thanks... Needed that... Ow... > conversation for a while. CROW: Well, geez Crystal, if we're bored with your mindless drivel how bored do you think poor Legolas is! > I looked over at him and sure enough TOM: [Crystal] ...he was trying his darnedest to shoot himself with his last arrow. > his eyes were glazed over. "Carolyn" I whispered, "elves sleep with their > eyes open." CROW: [Crystal] Yeah, that's it! Of course! Elves sleep with their eyes open... and their skin gets really stiff and cold, and they don't need to breathe when they sleep either... MIKE: [Carolyn] Just face it... you bored him to death, didn't you? TOM: [Michael Palin] He's not dead, he's pining... pining for the fjords! > "Ahhh... I was wondering > why he had stopped blinking," She said glancing at him curiously. CROW: [Crystal] Yeah, well you're more observant, but *I* know more about Tolkien... > "Alright you go get a pillow from the closet CROW: [Crystal] And if he's still breathing, we'll smother him. > and I'll get Legolas to bed" [Crow[Carolyn] licks his[her] lips.] MIKE: Gyaaaa! Don't *ever* do that again! That was *disturbing*! > I quietly walked over to the sleeping elf and gently shook him > saying TOM: [Crystal] AAAAHHHH! FIRE! FIRE! OH GOD, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! > "Legolas, Legolas" "Huh? Who're you? Where am I?" CROW: [Crystal] In reverse order, this is Hell, and I'm the one who's going to be smacking you over the head with this book for all eternity! > Legolas asked sleepily. "Hush it's ok MIKE: It was all a bad dream...the big bad story's over now, honey... TOM: You're safe and sound now, back in good ol' 3019 T.A.! > you just fell asleep I'm taking you to your bed" CROW: MIIIKE!! She's throwing softball after softball at us! TOM: Yeah! Let us really cut loose on her! MIKE: Come on, you know the rules: If the author doesn't go there, we don't go there. BOTS: Since when?!? MIKE: Since now. Now shut up and read! > I comforted as I guided the very tired elf to my room and onto the bed, CROW: Am I the only one who is very much disturbed by this? MIKE: [shaking and shuddering, clamping his jaw tight] *Yes*. > Carolyn had brought fresh pillows TOM: With *ninja speed*! > and almost as soon as he lay down Legolas' eyes glazed over and he fell > asleep. CROW: [Legolas, in his sleep] Oh, Arwen... come on, neither of them would know... MIKE: I'd smack you, but... CROW: But... MIKE: But that was pretty funny. > I watched him a few > moments longer just to see if he would be comfortable, TOM: And who exactly do we think we're fooling, author? > then I CROW: Unzipped his fly and... MIKE: Please, Crow. Can't we just be grateful that HASN'T happened yet? CROW: Sorry. > went downstairs with Carolyn. TOM: And we got as far away as we could from this fanfic. MIKE: Let's go, you guys... [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [SOL Bridge. Tom and Crow are gathered around an incredibly complex-looking machine taking up almost the entire space. The discernable parts include several tubes, a Playstation 2 hooked into an X-box with a Gamecube playing the Resident Evil remake connected to a Dreamcast, a tree, several unrecognizable electric components, the big glowing blue thing that Pearl ordered during #902-"Phantom Planet", a BFG9000, a breast implant, some quarters, paint thinner, an eggplant, and--at the very center of this demonic contraption--a combo television/movie player playing "Fellowship of the Ring".] CROW: Scalpel! TOM: Scalpel. CROW: Knife! TOM: Knife. CROW: Poodle! TOM: Poodle. CROW: Lecusart's "Afterlife"! TOM: Lecusart's "Afterlife". CROW: Water! TOM: Water. CROW: Twisted Metal 2! TOM: Twisted Metal 2. [Mike walks in stage left, carring a Lemony Snicket novel in one hand and a cup of tea in the other, oblivious to the huge construction project going on right next to him.] MIKE: Oh, hello again. That last fanfic was so horrible, we've decided to take some time to unwind. I've curled up with a good book and a cup of Earl Grey--hot, of course--and the bots are watching the *actual* "Lord of the Rings" movie--[looks up at the huge mechanical monster the 'bots have created, then does the customary spit-take] What in the sweet Mary Pickford is this? CROW: Hey, Mike! We've taken a leaf from Crystal's book, so to speak! We thought, "Hey, if an amateur can teleport an elf into her living room without even trying, then we--with our faked degrees from Berkeley and your maxed-out credit card--could make it happen ourselves!" TOM: Then we got to thinking, "Wouldn't it be fun to have our own 'Lord of the Rings' character to boss around?" You know, like a random hobbit, or maybe a Nazgul or two to do our bidding! CROW: So we decided to hook our TV and VCR up to our dimensional portal, just to see what happens! MIKE: I didn't know you guys had a dimensional portal. Where did you get it? CROW: From the set of "Sliders". They sold it on eBay after they got cancelled. MIKE: Yeah, but their dimensional thingie was this little hand-held thing. What's all the rest of this junk? TOM: Oh, you know... stuff. MIKE: Besides, "Sliders" was just a show! That thing was just a prop! TOM: Your point being? CROW: I beg to differ! "Sliders" wasn't just *a* show, it was *THE* SHOW! *sigh* Alas, John Rhys-Davies will never have that good a role again... [gives a sideways glance to the TV, where Gimli is just about to say "Nobody tosses a dwarf!"] TOM: Yeah, Mike, I think you should really just relax. MIKE: Ugh... ok, so when does the magic happen, anyway? CROW: Well, in the fic, Legolas appears during a power surge, so we've gotten Gypsy to fly through this freak ion storm I found on our long- range sensors! MIKE: [freaking out] An ion storm? Don't you know how dang-- CROW: Well, of course, Mike! How else would we get the huge amounts of raw energy required to rend the veil of the space-time continuum? TOM: [holding a remote, yelling offscreen] Ok, Gyps, we're just about ready! Punch it! [The Satellite lifts into an upward spiral, knocking Mike off balance and the 'bots off screen. As the SOL hits the ion cloud, the machinery starts making Flash Gordon noises and giving off sparks of dangerously powerful static electricity. Then suddenly, the lights blink out. When they return a second or so later, Crow and Tom are face to face with a large, ferocious Uruk-Hai warrior.] URUK-HAI: [lifting his blood-stained scimitar] Rooooaaarrrr!!! CROW and TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!! [exit stage left, with the huge man-sized orc trailing fast] MIKE: [getting up from under the table] Man, I must have hit my head or something. I wonder what's going on... [Tom and Crow run back into the Bridge, wheezing and panting.] CROW: Mike, you gotta help us! We accidentally summoned an Uruk-Hai! TOM: We have him locked in the aft cargo bay, but it doesn't look like the door is going to hold that long! MIKE: Now what did I tell you guys about mucking about in God's domain? [A loud pounding noise can be heard, as if a huge fist were knocking an aft cargo bay door down like a sandcastle.] MIKE: Oh, ok. All we have to do is wait for movie sign, and then Pearl will pump all the air out of the satellite, and the big hulking brute will asphyxiate... [Waits a moment, while the pounding continues.] Man, this is taking longer than I thought! I better call Pearl. [Hits Mads button] Pearl! We're done with our break now, and we'd like to go back to the theater! PEARL: [over the viewscreen] You're done with your break, Mike? Are you sure? You haven't even done your funny skit yet. MIKE: Oh, yes, we have! The robots built this funny machine and--[Crow and Tom start hitting each other in an impromptu slapstick routine] See? PEARL: I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Could you do it again? [The pounding noise gets louder and louder.] MIKE: [sighs] Errgh! But we really want to go back to the theater and read the rest of that wonderful fanfic you sent us! Please? PEARL: Oh, dear, Mike, this isn't like you. That fanfic must have hurt you more than I thought. You need some more time to recuperate--I've got 15 more chapters on the way, and I wouldn't want my favorite test subject to burn out before his time! Take your break, Mike, you've earned it! [screen off] [The distinctive sound of ruptured metal echoes through the chambers of the Satellite of Love. The heavy footsteps of the Uruk warrior, like the drumbeats of doom, start increasing in volume.] MIKE: Okay, we're in trouble! TOM: Mike, Mike, you gotta do something! He's coming this way! CROW: [rummaging through a bunch of tapes on the floor] Aha, here it is! MIKE: We're being attacked by a monster from the darkest recess of Tolkien's imagination, and you want to watch--[looks at the tape]-- "American Idol"? CROW: Trust me! [sticks the tape in the VCR, then yells offstage] Take us back in, Gypsy! [The satellite shakes and the machine sparks yet again. Mike and the bots scramble to find good hiding places just as the Uruk-Hai runs in, filled with primordial rage, or something. But then, the lights turn off, and when they come back on, who should be staring the warrior in the face but American Idol judge, Simon Cowell!] URUK-HAI: Rooooooooooaaaaaarrrrrr! SIMON: *gasps* That was extraordinary! URUK-HAI: Roar? SIMON: Unfortunately, it was extraordinarily awful. If you would have roared like that two thousand years ago, people would have stoned you! You are, by far, the worst Uruk EVER! [The Uruk-Hai looks at Simon, confused and shocked.] SIMON: You, sir, are a disgrace to the White Hand of Isengard. You couldn't even scare third-graders at a slumber party. Did your *mother* teach you how to hold that thing? [starts correcting the troll's stance] You're supposed to stand *this* way, with the legs *apart* and *firmly planted*! Now, the backswing like this, and then you use the power of your *forearms* to bring the weapon crashing down! Jeez, I can't *believe* you didn't know that! Have you been taught *nothing* by your superiors? URUK-HAI: [swinging his sword in anger] RRRRRROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!! SIMON: [deftly sliding out of the way] Well, I'm not *nearly* as excited as you are. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood today. But you, you stink! You're not even cut out to be an *extra* in a Warcraft II game! How many years of your *pathetic* life have you been spending trying to pursue a dream that you could not *even* possibly realize? Hey, don't look at me like that! This isn't some namby-pamby patronizing speech like you'll get from the other judges, this is the TRUTH! URUK-HAI: [sobbing uncontrollably] I want my mommy!!! [Mike and the bots crawl out cautiously from their hiding spots offstage.] MIKE: Is the coast... clear? SIMON: Oh, give me a frickin' break! Robot acts died with *disco*! Not like your little household appliances would have made it anyway. [sneers at Tom] I mean, you're nothing but a gumball machine glued to a salad bowl! You'd be great if I wanted to store snack food! And what are these--little white gloves on your non-functional hands? Who do you think you are, Mickey Mouse? [looks to Crow] And I bet you think you're C-3PO, with your gold paint and what not? I knew C-3PO, even got him that gig recording the Star Wars Christmas Album. And you, sir, are *no* C-3PO, or even a Twiki, for that matter! What's that on your head? A lacrosse glove? A bowling pin? Ping- pong balls? You two were made from "special parts", all right--if by "special" you mean Special Ed.! TOM: [sniffling] Why? Why? CROW: [sobbing] Joy... fading... *sniff* reasons... to... live... *snort* dwindling.... MIKE: Oh you guys... you brought this upon yourselves, you know. SIMON: And don't get me started with *you*, Mr. Doughnut! You are absolutely pathetic! You have no ambition, no life, no *nothing*! All you want to do is sit around and eat potato chips all day! Get a *life*! You people make me *sick!* You could have used your machine to summon help, nay, even escape, but nooooooo! You had to yank *me* right while I was *destroying* the self-esteem of some young up-and- coming singers, and use *me* to solve your monster problem! Can't you weasels fight your own battles? MIKE: [crumpled up into a pile] Man, he's right! I am a loser! TOM: [still sobbing] If it makes you... *sob* feel any better, Mike... we always knew that... SIMON: [aside] I just don't get it! This show is supposed to make everyone happy, but everyone keeps crying on this show. [The Mads light begins to flash.] SIMON: What's this? A flashing light? This might have been impressive--in the 1890's! URUK-HAI: I need to go to the bathroom... SIMON: [scowling] Did I say you could talk? URUK-HAI: [whimper] I'll be good... [Castle Forrester. Bobo is off in a corner, grooming himself. Observer is smugly gloating, as usual. Pearl has a wild smirk on her face.] PEARL: You know, I think you're right, Mike. I *am* being far too nice on you. So, get back in the--hey, who are you? [SOL Bridge.] SIMON: I might ask the same question. And who, may I ask, is that freak right next to you? Okay, you get gruesome points for the brain in the frying pan, but that's just so *stupid*! I mean, Lord help you if some *dust particles* start floating around and get into your brain! And the whole ultimate power gig is *so* yesterday! I mean, *seriously*! *Get with the program*! And what are you doing with that walking flea bucket back there? What did you do, swallow a bottle of Rogaine or something? And for a distinguished professor of anthropology from a planet where apes evolved from men, you sure are *stupid*! Go back to the trees, why don't you? [Castle Forrester.] OBSERVER: [sobbing] I'm not worthy... BOBO: Waaaaaaahhhhh!!!! [falls on the floor, a broken monkey] PEARL: [outraged] THAT TEARS IT!!!! Nobody browbeats my minions!!! That's MY job. Now, *get off my satellite*, or I'll... [SOL Bridge.] SIMON: Who's going to make me? You, Mrs. Completely Ineffectual Mad Scientist? I can't believe you even qualified for this show. If your work was published, it would singlehandedly *KILL* the mad science profession! And that lime green lab coat--who's your tailor, DuPont Chemicals? Listen, lay off the Twinkies, do a thousand crunches a day, get a hair transplant, and then we'll talk! [Castle Forrester.] PEARL: [tears streaming from eyes, teeth gritted] Brain... Guy... get... rid... of... *that*... please... [Observer, head down in shame, holds brain up dejectedly.] [SOL Bridge.] SIMON: [dematerializing] I am a respected columnist in this town! With my fingers, I can destroy-- *poof!* CROW: Whew... glad that's over... *sniff* TOM: [looks at the Uruk] Now... what are we... *sob* going to do about him? URUK-HAI: I think I wet myself. MIKE: [setting "Lord of the Rings" back into the VCR] Ok, back into the movie... that's a good fella... URUK-HAI: [walking into the TV] I'm going to curl up in the sock drawer, and sleep for days! [Castle Forrester.] PEARL: [still crying into her hands] And... now... *sniff* as for you guys... [Klaxons blare. Movie sign flashes. Finally.] MIKE and the BOTS: THANK GOD!!! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!! [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] To be continued! Editors' Note: This is our first attempt at editing a group MSTing. However, we are pleased to report that the quality of the riffs was very high, and there are a lot of talented people working on this with us. Our only hope is that we have done justice to everyone's hard work. Please send all comments and criticism to rivercityrandom@yahoo.com. We have a long way yet to go, so stay tuned! --River City Random and Typewriter Monkey May 1, 2003 All Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters, trademarks, and related indicia are copyright (c) Best Brains Inc. Lord of the Rings and all related characters and situations are copyright (c) The Saul Zaentz Company d/b/a Tolkien Enterprises. "The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring" motion picture is copyright (c) 2001 New Line Productions, Inc. "Legolas, Back to the Future" is copyright (c) 2003 Destinygurl, and she's welcome to it. This MSTing is copyright (c) 2003 English 101 Productions and the authors named above. This is a work of entertainment, and is not intended as a personal attack against the author of the fanfiction or of any of the aforementioned corporate entities. Whew, that was a mouthful. ----- > I realized that we were in my room and Legolas was asking me what my > record player did. "It works by using a needle with a laser on the end > and a record or album. By reading the laser writing on the record > it sends out music, like this"