Mystery Science Theater 3000 "Judgment Day" [Season 6 opening.] [...1...2...3...4...5...6...] [The lights are turned down on the SOL bridge far enough to give an evening atmosphere. Mike, Tom, and Crow are behind the desk, bundled up in parkas, scarves, mittens, and woollen hats. They look cold and miserable until they notice Cambot is filming, and then manage to perk up a little.] MIKE: Oh, hi, and welcome to the Satellite of Love... and maybe for the last time. The mysterious cloud of interstellar dust that's blotting out the Sun's light is affecting us as well. TOM: We're not taking it lying down, though! Or at least... *I'm* not. MIKE: While I wait for the air conditioner to freeze, Tom and Crow have been debating how to react to this catastrophe. TOM: Look. We're dealing with a science fiction-y sort of event, right? MIKE: On that, I think we're in agreement. TOM: Well, then, why don't we become two-fisted Golden Age engineers, think our way through the problem, and triumphantly solve it? CROW: [casually] Naah. That's well out of date. We should try to emulate the New Wave and treat this disaster as an opportunity to really get in touch with our true irrational selves. TOM: [suspiciously] Doesn't this New Wave outlook amount to doing nothing and enjoying it? CROW: Bashing the New Wave? Tch, tch. That's thirty years out of date. TOM: So's the New Wave. CROW: But not so old as the Golden Age. MIKE: Isn't the Golden Age of science fiction thirteen? [The bots look at Mike briefly. Then, as they turn away to continue their argument, the lights brighten again.] MIKE: Hey--the Sun's coming back! TOM: We're saved! CROW: But *without* doing anything. [Gypsy enters. She wears earmuffs and a long scarf wound around her neck.] GYPSY: Not really. Magic Voice and I were talking about what was happening--and we figured out how to fix it! MIKE: What did you do? GYPSY: Uh... [nervous chuckle] It was complicated, Mike. MAGIC VOICE: *Very* complicated. TOM: Nevertheless, the day is saved--and through the application of thought and hard work, I might point out. CROW: So? Doesn't the very suddenness of the solution point out the ultimate irrationality of the universe? MIKE: Hey. The world's saved. That's good enough for me. [The commercial light flashes.] MAGIC VOICE: It's been saved for the commercials, of course. [Mike sighs as he reaches over and hits the commercial light.] [commercials] [SOL bridge. Mike and the three bots have removed most of their winter clothing and heaped it on the desk, although Gypsy still wears her earmuffs and Tom still wears his stocking cap.] TOM: All right, Crow--would you mind edifying me as to exactly how we were going to freeze with dignity? CROW: Well, it's kind of a subjective thing. MIKE: Are we going to have to go through this every time we narrowly escape death? CROW: *You* don't have to. After all, whether we keep fighting or just roll over with dignity--there are always plenty of background characters to kick the bucket. [The mads' light flashes. Mike hits it with an expression approaching relief.] MIKE: So much for being in the background... Moorcock and Ballard are calling. [Deep 13. The lab is also strewn with discarded winter clothing. Dr. Forrester is back to his usual self.] DR. F: Greetings, Scott's Last Expedition! You know, I was *almost* disappointed when you brilliantly saved the day. [SOL. Gypsy nods pleasantly, but Mike is vaguely suspicious.] MIKE: Was the impending ice age the key event in an elaborate plan to take over the world? [Deep 13] DR. F: Well, duh. It was the crowning achievement of years of hard work, Mike, and you just *had* to go and ruin my plans. Why, the scheme was brilliant! World leaders would shiver in fear at the very mention of my name! It... [TV's Frank enters, carrying a blue rag. He looks a bit pale, but is otherwise normal.] FRANK: It took me a while, but I finally found your blankie. I tried calling Pearl as well, but her answering machine said she was in Reno. DR. F: Not now, Frank. FRANK: But you were screaming for them just a few minutes ago... DR. F: Not. Now. Frank. [SOL. The trio shares a glance, then turns to glare at the screen.] MIKE: Doctor F? [Deep 13] DR. F: Oh, all right. I had nothing to do with it, and cried like a baby until you saved us. But to make up for my moment of weakness, I've got something truly special planned for you. No classics of Z-movie cinema or fractured works of fan fiction this time--we were looking for something *big.* We thought we'd found it... the Bruce Willis opus of flagwaving patriotism, macho posturing, and wacky science coming together to save the world... "Armageddon." [SOL. There's a brief, uncomfortable pause. Then, finally...] MIKE: Doctor Forrester, never let it be said that you don't know how to rise to an occasion. CROW: [a little too quickly] But hey, the occasion's past--so let's just get back to the classics, okay? [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is clearly unimpressed by Crow's concern.] DR. F: Flattery won't help you--although fate did. Frank? FRANK: [slowly] I nearly froze on the way to the video store, but I made it there... to find they were out of copies. DR. F: I offered to replace your blood with antifreeze again, Frank-- it's your own fault. Nevertheless, I proved resourceful. I tried creating a tape that would repeat the trailer sixty times... but Frank got motion sickness while working on it. [SOL] CROW: Gee, I thought that substitution would work out pretty well. MIKE: [nervously] Quiet, Crow. [Deep 13] DR. F: You may ultimately thank me for my residual humanity... but I doubt it. With our plans tottering, we turned once more to the wonderful world of the Internet... and found a crossover fanfic between Armageddon and that well-known animated series of angst-ridden teenagers saving the world--or not--Neon Genesis Evangelion. [SOL] TOM: [anguished] Is nothing sacred? MIKE: [slowly] Evangelion... that's anime, right? CROW: [brightly] Well, then--send it to somebody else. [Deep 13] DR. F: No, I'm sorry... my mind's made up. *I* will send this fanfic to you, and *you* will experience it. [SOL] MIKE: [desperately] Not even a special anime guest star? [Deep 13] DR. F: *No,* boobies! Now get in the theatre! [marginally calmer] Send them the fanfic, Frank. [SOL bridge. Crow is attempting to sneak off. Mike puts a hand on his shoulder.] CROW: [with affected drama] I am just going outside and may be some time. MIKE: Sorry, Crow. A fate worse than futile but noble self-sacrifice awaits-- [The familiar lights and sirens go off.] MIKE: *We've got fanfic sign!* [...6...5...4...3...2...1...] [Mike, carrying Tom, more or less pulls Crow into the theatre. He then puts Tom in his seat and removes the bot's stocking cap.] TOM: This won't be so bad, guys. I've seen all of Evangelion. CROW: Oh yeah... I borrowed some of your tapes! I kind of tuned out when it started getting depressing, though. TOM: [flatly] Wonderful. So you don't have to worry too much, Mike-- MIKE: [sheepishly] Well... Actually... I've been reading some transcripts-- TOM: Of the Drew Carey Show? MIKE: No, of Evangelion fanfics from that special service Doctor Forrester subscribes to-- CROW: Oh, Mike. You're not supposed to *enjoy* it when this happens to *other* people! MIKE: Well, I wasn't really-- TOM: Picking up ideas, then? Say no more, Mike, say no more... MIKE: Quiet--it's starting. > Judgment Day > By Artemis MIKE: Just *one* writer? TOM: Hah! And here I thought this was supposed to be an Armageddon crossover! Well, come on--hit us with your next shot! > > > Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is a copyright of Gainax co. > Elements of this fanfic are inspired by the movie > "Armageddon" by Touchstones Pictures. TOM: [weak] ...Good shot. CROW: Hey, don't crack now--you'll set a record! > Most of the > characters in this fanfic are owned by Gainax co., so > please don't sue me! MIKE: After all, what would you get from it? CROW: The dark-hearted pleasure of crushing a youthful writer's dreams? MIKE: Besides that, I mean. > > Part 1 > > "Shinji . . ." a voice calls out his name. MIKE: It knows that wherever he is, he'll come running. > Shinji squints his > eyes, and tries to search the source of the sweet, pleasant voice from > the bright white veil of light. TOM: Just once, I'd like to hear a chainsmoking truck driver speak from within an ethereal glow. > "Shinji . . ." the voice calls out again with an urgent note > in its tone. CROW: [voice] I'm on my last quarter, here! > "W-Who . . . who are you?" he reply hesitantly. MIKE: If it's Batman, we're officially in the wonkiest crossover ever. > Though the light was very bright for his eyes, TOM: He was revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night. > Shinji could > make out a dark silhouette of a woman. Her height reminds him of > Misato-san, CROW: Her proportions reminded him of the magazines he kept under his mattress. > while her long hair and elegant gesture seems so familiar, TOM: Somehow, he thought of hailing a cab. > but he can't seem to make out where has he seen them before. CROW: Make a note in your programs, guys--Shinji's got a reservation for another magical mystery tour! MIKE: How so? CROW: Oh, you can't expect she won't be identified after this introduction! > "Shinji . . . Third Child . . . your time has come . . ." says > the figure again. > "M-My time?" he reply, starting to get confused. MIKE: [Shinji] If it's about those library books--I *promise* I'll return them! > "Man's ultimate destiny is at hand, and only you, Third Child, > who have the power to stop it . . ." CROW: Granted, he'll stop humanity from achieving a perfect utopia. But hey, you can't have everything! > With that, the figure retracts > gigantic wings from her back, TOM: Maybe he'll identify her now with her wings stowed. > beat them forward and floats back slowly > into the bright light. TOM: And now she's being abducted by the Greys. CROW: Sonic will be showing up any second now. > "Remember, Third Child, you have the power to change man's > destiny . . ." MIKE: First he's going to "stop" man's destiny, and now he's going to "change" it. CROW: She has to up the stakes a little to get him interested. > she says again as she disappears into the light, "You > have the power . . ." > "Wait! W-What power?" he calls out to the figure, CROW: The *power* of *GREYSKULL!* > "I-I don't > understand! Wait!" > Shinji woke up in an all too familiar environment: his bedroom > in Misato's apartment. CROW: He hates that place. TOM: But at least the ceiling's familiar. > He is breathing rapidly and sweat damps his > new pajamas, CROW: At least, he *hopes* it's sweat. > a gift from Misato shortly after they retrieved him from > the trap of his own Eva-01. MIKE: And if Shinji was later heard muttering, "It's the thought that counts--" well, it all builds character. > He calms down his breath, and lay back on > the bed while looking up at the ceiling. > "A strange dream . . ." he says after a long pause. TOM: And here I thought he was used to vaguely oracular dreams by now. > > > Misato's Apartment; 07:00 A.M > Misato grumbles as her phone rings. She really hates to be > woken up from her 'beauty slumber' by anyone, CROW: Gee, and here I thought beer was her answer. MIKE: It all adds up. > especially on a rainy > day like today when the weather really makes you hesitant in doing > anything except sleeping. CROW: I'd say the fate of the Earth is in pretty good hands, wouldn't you? > All bundled up in her blankets like a > turtle, MIKE: The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks, Which practically conceal its sex. CROW: Well, so much for last episode's promise of fan service. > Misato reach out a hand and fumbles for the telephone, among > tons of other junk in her room. CROW: That isn't junk! Her collection of beer cans will be a valuable investment for her retirement! MIKE: And as for the clothing--that's insulation! > She finally finds it, picks up the > receiver and brings it to her ear. "Yeah, what do you want?" she says > in a rather irritated and sleepy tone, TOM: [announcer voice] Misato Katsuragi, have you considered switching long-distance companies? > "Mmhm, mmhm, mmhm . . ." > Suddenly, she shoots up from her blankets and exclaimed, "WHAT?" CROW: [Misato] You mean I can save up to fifty percent on my monthly phone bill? Amazing! > > > Shinji was just finished making his bed when Misato suddenly > stormed in to his room. "SHINJI! SHINJI!" she exclaimed. CROW: You don't have to get upset just because he didn't hear it was washday in time, Misato. > Shinji looks rather surprised, for he have never seen Misato > woke up and all dressed up this early, MIKE: The evening gown was stunning... but at least twelve hours too early. > especially after her big, two > twelve-pack doze of beer last night. TOM: A clever pun, or idiosyncratic spelling? You decide! > "W-What is it?" he asks. > "You're not going to school today," she says hurriedly, MIKE: Good old Misato! I had a feeling Shinji needed more time sitting under a tree fishing. > "We > have to get to NERV headquarters quickly! It's about Rei!" > At the mention of Ayanami's name, Shinji's eyes grew wide in > disbelief. TOM: Rei, providing a plot point for an Evangelion fanfic? Inconceivable! > > > NERV Infirmary; 07:15 A.M > Outside of the infirmary, Ritsuko waits while looking at her > gold wristwatch impatiently. MIKE: Even her outstanding service award can't cheer her up. > 'Where could they possibly be, she > thought, I know Misato is usually late, but this is an emergency. > Can't she understand that?' TOM: Well, you have to weigh dramatic tension against punctuality... > As she looks at her watch again, she > hears footsteps from down the hall. Looking up, she sees Misato and > Shinji walking hurriedly towards her. They were both dressed in their > usual attire: MIKE: I guess the big budget doesn't include new model sheets. > Misato in her black dress and red jacket, and Shinji in > his school uniform. As they get near her, Misato asks, "How was she?" TOM: [Ritsuko] Tasty. > Ritsuko shakes her head, and says, "Not too good. CROW: I'll just take this opportunity to remind you that *I've* refrained from making a dirty riff. MIKE: You still implied it, so the RAM chips stay locked safely away. CROW: Rats. > Her wounds > from the battle with the 14th Angel are re-opening, TOM: By popular demand--back for a return engagement! > and she's having a > fever. We've tried our best and stopped her from losing more blood. > She's sleeping right now." > "May I see her?" asks Shinji. Ritsuko look at Misato, look > back at Shinji with concern, TOM: I guess she's seen the movie, too. MIKE: Hmm? TOM: [quickly] I'll tell you later--*much* later. > and nods her head. "If she wakes up, > tell her to go back to sleep, Shinji. MIKE: Well! That wraps up the dramatic bedside scene quite nicely. > She needs the rest," Ritsuko > said again as Shinji walks toward the door. > The door hums and slides open. Shinji could see Rei, with > bandages covering her body, right arm, and part of her head, TOM: They may have lost their guide to treating scraped knees, but I'm sure her original model sheets will work *just* as well. > lying on > the infirmary bed, sleeping soundly. The sound of the beeping > instruments next to her bed is the only thing he could hear. He steps > into the room, and the door closes behind him. CROW: [goofy] Thank you for making a simple door very happy. > "Is she going to be alright?" Misato asks as soon as the door > closed. TOM: Oh, sure. Just wait till after the next commercial break. > "To tell the truth, I don't really know," said Ritsuko calmly. > "Why did you call us, then?" MIKE: [meek Ritsuko] I just wanted attention. > Ritsuko sits down on the seat next to the door. "You don't > have any use to be here, actually," says Ritsuko, which made Misato > frowns, TOM: What, just because she's just been told she's a fancy taxi driver? She's got a thin skin. > "But, Rei called out Shinji's name in her sleep. I figured > his presence might help her healing process." CROW: Too bad she didn't call for a hot fudge sundae. > Shinji sat on a chair next to the bed as he watch Rei sleeping > peacefully. 'Ayanami,' he thought, 'How hard you take your job as an > Eva Pilot' He looked at her again, and thought, 'I have never thought > you're so beautiful when you are asleep,' TOM: [Shinji] My imagination usually produced a scene of horror. > Shinji blushes at the > thought, and shakes it off his head. MIKE: [yageta yageta yageta] > As if sensing his thoughts, Rei slowly opens her eyes and look > at him. "I-Ikari-kun?" she says. > He smile at her, and says, "How do you feel?" CROW: He's trying to remind Rei of her non-Vulcan side. > "H-Head hurts," she says. TOM: [announcer voice] There's pain, and then there's fanfic pain. > She looks up at him and says, > "Ikari-kun, I have . . . a dream . . ." MIKE: [dramatic] I have a dream that one day those three Special Children will solve their problems not with the condescending help of a new guy, but through their own effort. TOM: That's not quite the point of Evangelion. CROW: [indignant] Then what was I doing watching it? > Shinji, remembering Ritsuko's message, says back to her, "You > have to sleep now . . . Rei. You need more rest." He was quite > surprised by himself for the remark. MIKE: He was really planning to deliver a five-minute monologue on his unique philosophy of life. > Usually he addresses her with > her last name, but he felt that he mustn't call her that this time. CROW: He felt he should call her "Sugar Muffin." > As if not noticing, TOM: Or as if not caring. > Rei pushes on. "No, I-I have to tell you > this now," she says. She reaches out, held his hand in hers, and > says, "An angel, s-she spoke to me about you, Ikari-kun. TOM: It's just too bad having an Angel talk about somebody isn't necessarily flattering in Evangelion. CROW: No, she didn't capitalise it. He's still in the clear. > She said, > d-death will rain from the sky, and only you, the Third Child, who > could stop it" CROW: Well, they're doomed. > Shinji has never seen Rei like this before. She is talking > with a note of urgency in her tone, and her way of talking hints an > emotion that is alien for Rei's personality: fear. MIKE: A Hallmark angel tells her Shinji's the only one who can save the world, and she's scared? How odd. > She clutches his hand even harder and says, "When she spoke to > me, I felt as if my heart stopped. I felt something very strange . . > . I never felt that way before . . ." CROW: Please join us for a very special episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion: Rei Learns to Love. > An even stranger spectacle > happens afterwards: Rei is crying. Rei, the commander's doll, the > perfect pilot, is now crying on the bed in front of him. MIKE: And they didn't even advertise that feature on the box. > Shinji tries to comfort her by patting her hand, and says, > "It's alright, Rei. It's alright." TOM: [Shinji] Just give me half an episode to get really worked up in a series of introspective monologues--and the world's saved! > He smiles at her, and adds, "You > should get back to sleep, you really need the rest." She nods, and > slowly closes her eyes, trying to get back to sleep. ALL: SLEEEP! > Not once Shinji let go of her hand; instead, he held her hand > in his CROW: Phew! For a moment, I thought he had her hand in his mouth or something. > as if it would bring comfort for her. He thought of what Rei > had said, and try to make some sense out of them. 'Death will rain > from the sky . . .' he thought. MIKE: ...So let a smile be your umbrella! > > > Asuka walks the wet street with a frown on her face, which is > not unusual for her. CROW: Try new Instant Characterisation today--and get your point across *fast!* > 'It's not fair!' she thought to herself, 'Shinji > got to skip school today MIKE: It's not like he's going anywhere special. TOM: It's not like *she's* going anywhere special. > just because Wonder Girl called him out in > her sleep, CROW: [Asuka] She should have called *my* name! TOM: [Asuka] I mean, Beast Boy cries my name all the time, but do you hear me talk about it? Nooo... > while I have to walk to school in a stupid day like this!' > "IT'S NOT FAIR!" she exclaimed loudly TOM: It's not even unfair in her favour. > as she kicks an > unsuspecting can on the road, MIKE: At least take it out on the forewarned cans, Asuka! > which flies a few feet away from her. > As if fearing her wrath, the rain slowly begins to subside, CROW: Whoa. I wish I could do that. > and Asuka > folds her new blue umbrella and carries it on her right hand like a > sword in its scabbard. TOM: Asuka Soryu-Langley *IS* Ryouga Hibiki *IN* Rurouni Kenshin! > She then continues on her way to school, > grumbling all the way. > Suddenly, she hears a faint, long whistle. MIKE: I guess her safety valve's just popped. > She whirls around, > ready to bash whoever dares to whistle at her, CROW: And here I thought she would be flattered. > but there was nobody > around. Asuka focuses on her ear, CROW: Eew! What, does she have a detachable ear? TOM: Better that than eyes on stalks. > and could hear that the whistle was > getting louder and louder by the second. She look around again, but > still there is nobody in sight and still the whistle grew louder and > louder. MIKE: Somebody's kettle's boiling dry. CROW: Bad luck! > "What the . . ." she is cut short when she look up, and sees a > ball of fire heading straight to Tokyo-3. TOM: Oh, the humanity! > In a few seconds, the > fireball smashes to a spot in the middle of the city, accompanied by a > small explosion CROW: A *small* explosion? I must have had this crossover pegged wrong! > and a thunderous boom. TOM: Now *that's* more like an Armageddon meteor. > Before her brain manage to acknowledge what is going on, MIKE: Actually, considering the violent jump-cutting and blaring soundtrack, she's downright normal right about now. > a set > of three fireballs land in three different parts of the city, again > accompanied by the explosions and booms. Another fireball falls and > shot through three skyscrapers, CROW: Tink's back! Tink's back, and she's *ticked!* > leaving gigantic holes on each > building, before it smashes through Tokyo-3's Central Maglev Station. MIKE: That's Tokyo-3's equivalent of the Chrysler Building? TOM: It is *not* a swinging town. > "Mein Gott . . ." Asuka exclaimed in horror as more of these > fiery menaces bombard Tokyo-3 while shrieks of panic and terror could > be heard from where she is standing. CROW: [muffled] Get off me! > Asuka watches the bombardment of > Tokyo-3 in intense horror without even realizing that one of the > fireballs is shooting straight at her. > The fireball flies 5 feet above her head, MIKE: She considers herself lucky she left her stilts at home today. CROW: And that it was a Hollywood fireball. Most flaming meteors passing five feet overhead incinerate people. > creating a whizzing > sound and a hot, strong wind which made her school uniform flutters > violently. CROW: Yahoo! Gratuitous panty shots, here we come! TOM: Naah, that's not quite Evangelion's brand of fan service. > She held on to her uniform while shrieking in sheer > terror. Never before have Asuka experiences a menace that frightens > her so much as this one. MIKE: And she's gone on the Tokyo-2 Disneyland "It's A Small World" ride--twice. > The fireball plow through six houses before > it finally halts its destructive course. CROW: It went into urban renewal instead. > When the wind calms down, > Asuka look at the ruins of houses. 'What the hell was that?' she > thought. MIKE: Oh, it's just Reaganomics at work. > After a moment of pause, she decides to take a closer look > at the thing that almost took her life. TOM: Well, that's smart. CROW: No, she wants to gloat a little. > With that, she runs towards > the wreckage of houses as more fireballs smash themselves to Tokyo-3 . > . . MIKE: Ryu and Ken are on a rampage! Run! > > Shinji was still busy with his thoughts of Rei's words when he > feels the infirmary room shakes, TOM: Don't tell me *he's* coming down with something, too! > and he can hear a distant boom. The > light sources of the room flickers a few times before they are shut > off. MIKE: What a time to scrimp on the electricity bill. > Shinji look around the room, wondering what is going on. TOM: Which is a fairly common state for him. > The door of the infirmary slide open, and Misato, pushing a > wheelchair in front of her, hurriedly walks in. "Shinji!" she says > frantically, "We have to get out of here! Quick, put Rei on the > wheelchair!" CROW: [Misato] Just drape her across the armrests, or something. > "W-What is going on?" he reply. > "There's no time! I'll explain it to you on the way!" With > that, she pushes the wheelchair next to the bed and tries to get Rei, > who is still sleeping peacefully, on it. TOM: So much for her trusting Shinji with a simple request. > "Hold the wheelchair!" she > says to the boy, who comply to her order. Gently, she lifts Rei from > the bed and places her on the wheelchair. CROW: See--she couldn't trust him not to just *sit* her *in* the wheelchair, or something equally dangerous. > "Let's go! Hurry!" command > Misato, as she walks quickly out the door. Without hesitating, Shinji > follow suit while pushing Rei on the wheelchair. MIKE: And now she's letting him push the wheelchair she delivered empty to the room. CROW: Leadership at work! > They turn left > towards the hallway where they first came in. "Misato, what is going > on?" he asks her as they quickly zip through the hallway. TOM: So, I guess the common theme here is "What's going on?" > "MAGI has confirmed unidentified objects flew past our > atmosphere, CROW: And here I was worried they were actually hitting it. > and chose Tokyo-3 as their crash-landing spot," TOM: Oh, please. Everybody knows unidentified flying objects always choose to crash in New Mexico. MIKE: Why, exactly? TOM: Something to do with the air, I think. > she > replies without even once looking at him or slowing down her pace. > She leads them to another hallway MIKE: *Another* hallway? CROW: They need to make maximum use of their location. > as the whole building shakes again. TOM: Or they just wanted to show, once more, how it was built on springs. > "MAGI also suggested that we go deeper underground to avoid them," she > says again, CROW: Wow! I wouldn't have of thought of that without a supercomputer. > "Ritsuko and the others have gone to the Emergency Command > Center 3, 10 stories below the Geo-Front, and that's where we're > going." > No sooner than that, a fireball breaches through the layers of > armors MIKE: It's the extremely rare armour-piercing variety of meteorite. TOM: And here they thought their collection was already plenty special with a carbonaceous chondrite. > and lands on the lake in front of Central Dogma. The impact > causes the water to fly out of the lake and lands on the pyramidal > structure of Central Dogma. CROW: A perfect million-drop landing! > "My God! We have to get out of here before it gets any worse!" > Misato says in amazement as she watches the spectacle through the > windows of the hallway. MIKE: [Misato] It's not like we *paid* to watch it! > Shinji nods in agreement, and they both > starts to go on while Shinji is still pushing the wheelchair with Rei > on it. 'Strange,' he thought as they zip past the hallway, TOM: The filmmakers would like to thank Tang, Dow Chemical, and the Geo-Front Infirmary. > 'How come > Rei was not even disturbed from her sleep by all this?' CROW: I guess the rapid jump-cutting affects you only when you're already awake. > Before he can find an answer, Misato points at one of the > elevators at the end of the hallway, and says, "Quick! In there!" With > that, they hurry towards the elevator, and Misato pushes the button > impatiently. TOM: FWOOSH! MIKE: Sorry. > "Come on, come on!" she exclaim as she pushes the button > again and again. Growing impatient, she kicks the door of the > elevator with desperation and anger. MIKE: You know, the cast's taking a lot of anger out on inanimate objects. TOM: It's better than the alternative. > "COME ON, YOU PIECE OF JUNK!" > As if knowing the urgency of the situation, the door slides > open CROW: People really do underrate the effects of anger on machinery. > and the three of them goes into the elevator. Misato pushes the > button for the lobby, TOM: [nasal] Lobby--coffee shop, gift boutique, and a fabulous collection of historical magazines! > and the door slides close. CROW: Wow, that door's getting fresh. > There is a hum of > machinery, and the elevator move quickly downward. MIKE: Better quickly down than quickly up. > There is another distant boom and the elevator shakes. TOM: Just ignore that. It's just Dennis Hopper setting off a bomb on the elevator next door. > Misato > and Shinji hold on to the railing, while Shinji held Rei on her > shoulder, holding her from falling off the wheelchair. CROW: Now, if she wasn't *placed* *on* the chair, Shinji wouldn't have that chance to demonstrate his compassion and his reach. > The lights in > the elevator flickers for a moment or two, but don't die off, and it > continues its journey downward. > When the elevator comes to a slow halt, the door slides open > and the three of them hurriedly walk out of it TOM: Rei's walking! How inspirational! CROW: Huh--I guess the action eventually got through to her. > and goes straight to > the main entrance. The glass doors slide sideways, CROW: Always *sideways.* Why not a good old-fashioned dilating door, once in a while? > and they step out > to the park area near Central Dogma. TOM: A small fair was being held in the park. Cotton candy was for sale... > "Misato! Over here!" calls out a familiar voice. MIKE: What's Wolfman Jack doing here? > They look to > their left, and sees Ritsuko in front of a bunker entrance. They > hurriedly walk on towards her CROW: They're still walking? MIKE: They have to keep at least *some* dignity. They lose so much of it in these fanfics. > as yet a fireball breaches through the > layers of armor, MIKE: NERV's Pride in Workmanship program doesn't seem to have been very successful. TOM: They probably needed a better prize than super-deformed Unit One lapel pins. > and smashes to the infirmary some fifty feet behind > them, blowing it to bits. CROW: At last--a real Armageddon meteor! MIKE: Either that, or it touched off the ether supply. > The blast of the explosion throws the three > of them off balance, and fell to the ground. Rei fell of her > wheelchair, and instantly wake up from her rest. TOM: And here I thought she was walking. CROW: You know how it is--you can't get too active right away. > "I-Ikari-kun?" she > calls out, "Ikari-kun?" > Shinji quickly get up, get to her and says, "I'm here. Are > you alright?" Rei nods, and Shinji instinctively help her up, TOM: He was actually thinking about all the vacation time he's got coming. MIKE: Just remember, the subconscious is your friend. > and > carry her on his back. > Misato get up, look back at the ruins of the infirmary, CROW: [Misato] Yeah, pyrotechnics is earning *its* salary. > and > then at Shinji and Rei. "Are you two alright?" she says. Shinji nods > while Rei mutters a quick "Yes ma'am." CROW: Whoa--Rei's more talkative than Shinji! MIKE: The crisis must be getting to her too. > "We better get moving before it gets any worse," Misato says > again. They both nod, and Misato says again, "Shinji, do you want me > to carry Rei?" TOM: [Misato] After all, we're *almost* there. > He shakes his head, and says, "No, thanks. I'm fine." With > that, he goes on towards Ritsuko with Rei on his back. Misato was > quite surprised to see his thoughtfulness towards Rei today, TOM: After all, they *are* facing a major catastrophe. CROW: Yeah. And here she was expecting it to be every Child for himself. > which is > quite unusual even for a kind-hearted person like Shinji. With that > she quickly follows them towards Ritsuko and the bunker entrance. MIKE: General Solo and his strike team were already there, trying to bring down the Endor shield. > > > The Emergency Command Center looks somewhat the same as the > Command Center in Central Dogma, which has just been fully recovered > from the attack of the 14th Angel. TOM: They were ready to move back in--but the insurance agent wanted to photograph it first. > The only difference between them, > according to Maya, is that this Command Center has hard and > uncomfortable seats. But, in an emergency situation like this, that > matters very little to NERV. TOM: Oh, I hear ya. When the action gets tense and the riffs really start flying, I don't care *what* I'm sitting on! CROW: Speak for yourself. > When Ritsuko, Misato, Shinji and Rei arrived in the E.C.C, > they could see Maya, Hyuga and Aoba busy calling out data read-outs > from their screen, MIKE: Just one screen for the three of them? TOM: There's that cost-cutting again. > while Gendo and Fuyutsuki stands behind them, > watching the whole procession without any reaction. MIKE: Those aren't real people up there--they're cardboard standees! CROW: Hey, you need a vacation every now and then from organising an intricate and diabolical conspiracy. > As the door > behind the four of them slides close, another tremor shakes the > structure of the E.C.C while Shinji slowly sets Rei down on a chair. CROW: [Shinji] Errgh... Maybe you should cut out that second kelp shake after dinner, Rei! > "65% of Tokyo-1 and Tokyo-2 are severely damaged!" call out > Maya, "Sector 12, 13 and 18 are completely destroyed!" MIKE: And don't even get her started on what happened to Studio 54! > "80% of Tokyo-3 has been attacked by these unknown objects!" > call out Hyuga without looking up from his station display. > "Clearly these objects were actually intended to attack > Tokyo-3, wouldn't you say?" says Fuyutsuki calmly to his quiet > companion. TOM: Gee, he's earning his salary. > "Indeed," reply Gendo, as he fixes his glasses with his usual > cool manner. "We could assume that this is yet another Angel attack." CROW: *Forget* Burt Ward and Adam West. These two are the *real* Dynamic Duo! > "MAGI has calculated the casualties so far," says Aoba. "200 > people dead, 1,500 severely wounded!" > "Sir!" calls out Hyuga, as he turns his seat towards Gendo and > Fuyutsuki, "Two of these objects have breached through the layers of > armors and crashed in the Geo-Front!" MIKE: Both conveniently in front of our heroes. TOM: The assumption of mediocrity actually implies the main characters don't need to see all of them. CROW: Thank you, Copernicus. > "What is the status of Central Dogma?" says Fuyutsuki. > "Searching . . . Central Dogma is still standing," says Aoba. CROW: [Aoba] Soggy, but standing. > "Have the MAGI confirmed what these things are?" says Gendo > without even a hint of concern in his tone. MIKE: [Aoba] We suspect they're chalupas, sir. > "No sir! Whatever they might be, they induced the friction > with our atmosphere to create a great veil of fire," TOM: [singing] Goodness, gracious, great veil of fire! CROW: There's no getting through *that,* I'll tell you. > says Maya, "MAGI > couldn't recognize the original substance yet." CROW: Oh, she just doesn't want to admit they're made of bubble gum. MIKE: A bubble gum crisis, huh? > Suddenly, all the shaking and rumbling stops. All that are > present in the E.C.C froze, expecting a final blow from these falling > nightmares that would end it all, but it never came. MIKE: Never's a long time. CROW: But hey--we know they're going to make it now! > The long, > deathly pause was broken by the sound of a cell-phone ringing, which > startles everyone in exception of the ever cold and calm Ikari Gendo. TOM: His pizza delivery business is finally starting to pay off. CROW: [announcer voice] NERV Pizzas. We guarantee it'll be there before Third Impact--or it's free! > The phone rings three times before Ritsuko realizes it was her > cell-phone that was making the noise. Hastily, she picks it up and > opens it. CROW: [announcer voice] Ritsuko Akagi, you have been preselected for the new Visa Gold-plated Platinum-chased Titanium Card... > 'Ritsuko?', says a very familiar sound on the other end, > 'It's me, Asuka! Listen, you'll never believe what I found . . .' TOM: [Asuka] It softens hands while you do dishes! > > > NERV Research Center 3, Central Dogma Level 10; 09:00 A.M > Misato walks in to the research with three cans of soda on her > hands. CROW: You don't have to hide your exuberant juggling, Misato. TOM: Oh, it'll be revealed in due time... > As the door slides open, she sees Shinji and Asuka keenly > observed a round, silvery object the size of a basketball. MIKE: They were kicking back and relaxing at the moment, of course--but the eyetracks gave them away! > They > watched through the looking glass MIKE: Alice, is that you? TOM: Why not? I try to believe six impossible things before breakfast. > as mechanical instruments, much like > the ones they used to scan Rei's injuries from her Eva-00 accident, CROW: Finally--fan service! TOM: Of a silver basketball. > rotates and scans the mysterious objects. > She walk towards Ritsuko, who was busy working on her computer > as data flashes on the screen, tap her on her shoulder and hand her a > soda. TOM: The filmmakers would like to thank Pepsi-Cola, Colgate, and Sun Microsystems. > She turns around, take it from her and mutter a quick "Thank > you" She then opens the can, take a quick sip, set it down, and > continue on with her work. MIKE: So much for obeying her thirst. > Misato smile at her busy-body friend, and says, "Found > anything yet?" > She shakes her head, and says, "Aside from knowing that this > specimen has a blue blood-type, TOM: The Aristocrats Strike! > I couldn't find anything else about > it. No substance match, no element match, nothing. It's like this > thing never exist, but yet here it is" CROW: [Misato] So we can't leave yet? > Misato listens intently as she walk over towards Shinji and > Asuka, and hand them the sodas. While Shinji refuses kindly, Asuka > quickly snatches the can, opens it and take big gulps from it. MIKE: Ah--*there's* the product placement. > "Man, > was it hot outside!" she exclaims as she pause her drink, CROW: She must have one of those limited-edition cans--it came with a remote control. > "Maybe its > because of those meteorites that the weather suddenly became so hot" TOM: So that's their fiendish plan! These meteorites are introducing the *obvious* virus into the city's water supply! > She drinks some, and stops when she sees Shinji looking rather gloomy. > "Shinji, what's wrong?" she asks, as she watches Shinji fix a > sad gaze on the silver object. CROW: "Fix a gaze on the silver object"-- the fantastic new party game! > "What happened today . . ." he exclaim, "It is just like what > Rei says, 'Death will rain from the sky'. What does this have to do > with Rei?" > Asuka look at him with a strange, TOM: A strange *what?* CROW: You know--a strange. > smiles tauntingly and says, > "Oh, so that's it, huh? If Wonder Girl says something, Ikari-kun has > to stop and listen. Hmm, I smell romance!" MIKE: [Shinji] And if she told me it was lunchtime-- TOM: [Asuka] Romance! > Shinji blushes red with embarrassment, and says, "N-no, that's > not what I . . ." > Asuka, cutting him short, continues her taunt. "I'll bet the > next thing on your list is a romantic, candle light dinner with Wonder > Girl, eh Shinji? MIKE: Which has *what* to do with what's happening? CROW: Exactly. > You dirty old fox, you!" > "I-I . . ." His voice trails off as he blushes even brighter > red. Asuka secretly giggles to herself for she just love seeing > Shinji embarrassed like this. TOM: [Asuka] He's never so handsome as when he's imitating a tomato. > 'Hey,' she thought to herself, 'It's a > lot better taunting than getting into a fight with everyone almost > everyday.' MIKE: Wouldn't she get in fights by taunting people anyway? CROW: Not if she picks the right targets. > She continues on her silent giggle before she stops and > realizes something. CROW: It wasn't silent any more. > 'Wait a minute!' she thought, 'Since when did > Shinji addresses Wonder Girl with her first name?' She glances back > at Shinji, who is still fixing his gloomy gaze at the silver object MIKE: They say it'll be another two weeks for the parts to come in. > through the observing glass. 'Could it be possible that he has a > changed emotion towards Rei?' she thought again. TOM: And whatever's happening to him is happening to her. MIKE: Eew. > Before she could figure out the answer, she was startled by > Ritsuko's voice. "I've got it!" she exclaims. CROW: [Ritsuko] I won a new Expedition in the McDonald's Monopoly contest! > Hurriedly, the three > of them gathers behind Ritsuko. > "What have you got?" asks Misato. MIKE: [Ritsuko] *It.* Duh. > "Apparently, this object is a transmitter of some sort," says > Ritsuko, not once taking her eyes from the screen, "The object > transmitted, or rather, relayed CROW: I'm sure that distinction is significant... or not. > a low frequency of codes. Here, I'll > show it on the screen" With that, she pressed a button on the > keyboard, and instantly the screen was filled by a series of ones and > zeroes. TOM: Okay, so now what? CROW: She's shown the incomprehensible raw data--what more do you want? > "It's a binary code!" Misato exclaims. MIKE: They're in the Matrix! > Ritsuko nods, and continues, "These codes are easy enough to > solve. TOM: [Ritsuko] Now if it was octal, *then* we'd have a problem. > Give me a second, here . . ." She then types a few commands > on the keyboard, and the binary codes were soon replaced by a series > of words. MIKE: Unfortunately, they were in Serbo-Croatian. > The four of them, eager with anticipation, quickly read the > message, and an expression of horror passes their faces. CROW: Guess their faces must have been in the slow lane. > "My God!" > exclaim Ritsuko. > "I-Impossible!" stagger Shinji. TOM: Even his body language is shocked. > "There must be a mistake, right?" exclaim Asuka. > Misato shook her head, and says, "With billion of dollars > worth of a computer database like the MAGI, it's impossible to be > wrong, Asuka" TOM: Money can't buy you love, but infallibility *is* available on the instalment plan. CROW: Well, that brings my plans down in flaming ruins. > They watch as big red letters prints on the screen, 'Countdown > To Judgement Day'. Below them is a digital counter which reads, > '198:57:10' and counting . . . MIKE: An unbilled Independence Day cameo crossover! CROW: The hurting's getting deeper... > > > NERV Pilot Briefing Room; 09:15 A.M TOM: Nine Days' "Story of a Girl" was playing softly in the background... > Gendo, Fuyutsuki, Misato, Ritsuko, and three pilots stood > around a rectangular table in the darkened room. Shinji notices that > most of Rei's bandages have been unveiled, MIKE: In a stunning fifteen-minute fashion show! > except for the one around > her head where the bleeding started this morning. Shinji often > wonders how did she manage to heal so fast, but always kept this > thought to himself for he knew that it was NERV and Gendo's big > secret. TOM: I'd call it a minor secret on the grand scale. CROW: Oh, I don't know... If news of her mutant healing factor gets out, they'd have Marvel on their backs! > On the table was a huge hologram display of both the U.N > General and Keele, none of them seemed pretty happy of the situation > they're facing right now. TOM: No wonder. What's the world coming to when the head of a secret cabal has to teleconference with ungrateful kids? > "Has it been confirmed that it was an Angel attack?" asks > Keele. > "MAGI has confirmed that the blood-type of the objects that > penetrated our atmosphere is blue," Fuyutsuki replies. CROW: Maybe it's just me, but I've always seen bleeding meteors as a really bad sign. > Keele nodded > slightly. MIKE: Even when the precepts of the world are shattering, it's good to know the technical details stay constant. > "But this is very unusual for the Angels!" cry out the U.N > General, "Reports has it that these objects did not just attack NERV > Branch 2, but also other places on Earth!" He grabs a long piece of > paper, and read its content out loud. TOM: Pepperoni, extra cheese, green peppers, black olives, anchovies... > "Japan, China, Cambodia, > Thailand, Singapore, Saudi Arabia, India, Bulgaria, Great Britain, > U.S.A!" MIKE: Cue one heart-rending montage of the world's tourist meccas at risk... > he says, flings the paper, and says, "God damn it, nobody in > the face of the Earth is safe, TOM: To say nothing of those *on* the face, of course! > and it's all because of your damn > project!" CROW: [general] If you'd just bothered to *die* by now, they wouldn't have to up the stakes! > "What is it really that we're dealing with, Gendo?" asks Keele > again, taking no heed on the General's outburst. > Gendo fixes his glasses in his usual cool and cold manner, TOM: Gendo Ikari: Iceman Optometrist! > and > replies, "One of my staff, Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, has done an > investigation on that matter. It would be best if you talk to her." MIKE: That's what having lackeys is good for. Someone else gets blamed for the technobabble. > With that, Gendo steps back and Ritsuko steps forward CROW: Hey, the rain's finally stopping! > along > with her notes on her notepad. The glasses she wears gives a very > formal impression, as if she was about to give a long and tedious > speech in front of an open public. TOM: And here she's just going to give a long and tedious speech in front of a sealed cabal. Ritsuko, you consummate showperson! > "So, Dr. Akagi, what have you got for us?" asks Keele. > Ritsuko look into the hologram and says, "These objects, > 'Angel Feathers' as I refer to them, MIKE: "Feathers?" CROW: Well, sure! They're soft, light, you can tickle people with them... Hey! > were apparently parts of an even > greater, unknown entity. These 'Feathers' relays a very low radio > frequency from their source. CROW: [Ritsuko] So don't say they were *transmitting.* > The principle is much like a Morse code, > only they were transmitting binary codes instead of your usual dots > and dashes" MIKE: Those distinctions are critical! > "Go on," says Keele. > "Yes, get on with it!" exclaims the General impatiently. > Ritsuko was a little irritated by the General's impatience, CROW: And the general's repetition. > but manage to hold her ground. She continues on with her report. > "The MAGI have managed to decipher the codes, revealing a countdown > timer. MIKE: [Ritsuko] They're counting down to an all-new episode of "Everyone Loves Raymond." > Currently, the timer is indicating 198 hours, 40 minutes, 15 > seconds and dropping" CROW: Hey, a two-minute meeting! Tom, you owe our dear Ritsuko an apology. TOM: It's most cheerfully given. > "What does the countdown mean, doctor?" asks Keele again. MIKE: Generally, it means a decreasing amount of time before something happens. > Ritsuko sighs. She realizes that it's all uphill from this > point. CROW: Funny, I thought it was all downhill from here. > "The label on the countdown reads 'Countdown To Judgement > Day'. I guess that title is quite self-explanatory." MIKE: [Ritsuko] I suggest we stake out theatre box offices for when that movie opens. > There are murmurs coming from the audio output, signaling that > both the U.N and SEELE have finally understood how serious this > situation really is. TOM: The fate of the world depends on coolness--and they'll need outside help! > Ritsuko pushes on, and says, "MAGI had managed > to track down where the signal that the Feathers relayed was > originally transmitted via the U.N satellites, CROW: If it's good enough for enigmatic slimy aliens in giant flying saucers--well, it's good enough for Angels! > and after a few > cross-calculations, MAGI have concluded that the arrival of this > entity is as accurate as on the countdown. This 'main object' will > arrive in less than six days, TOM: Hey, wait! My math coprocessor says one hundred and ninety-eight hours is more than *eight* days! CROW: Well, maybe it'll hang around for a few days and take in the sights before it does everybody in. > and it is highly unlikely that it would > cancel its advance towards Earth." MIKE: Not after what it went through to make the appointment! > "You mean it is on a definite collision course with Earth?!" > says the General frantically. Ritsuko nods. There is an even louder > murmur on the other end of the audio output as SEELE and the U.N > discusses this shocking news, TOM: [stage whisper] I've got eleven monoliths on my side saying you'll forget about this once we've arranged the cast... > and both Keele and the General's face > disappears from the hologram for a few seconds. CROW: Must be a bad connection. > As the murmurs starting to cease, both Keele and the General > re-appears on the hologram. Keele starts to speak again. "Just how > big this 'entity' is, Dr. Akagi?" > Ritsuko lowers down her head, TOM: With a crane. > let out a sigh, and thought, > 'This is it, the final straw.' MIKE: [Ritsuko] Time to heave the last vestige of scientific accuracy out the window... > She looks up towards the hologram, and > says, "How big is it, sir?" CROW: [Keele] That's a rather personal question. > She pauses to remind them how crucial her > information would be. TOM: Well, that's what she'll *say.* Actually, she can't find her notes. > It was working since everyone, excluding the > cold Commander Ikari, pays close attention to what she's about to say. TOM: Oh, that wacky Ikari! MIKE: He's waiting for the executive summary. > Hesitantly, Ritsuko goes on. "It's the size of Germany, sir. CROW: Germany? Texas has that big, brawling feel to it. Why Germany? TOM: Well, Germany's got big sausages. MIKE: Big beer steins, too. > It is highly unlikely for the atmosphere to reduce its size due to its > massive AT-Field. MAGI have calculated that the impact would have an > equal result as 10 N2 bombs, MIKE: But isn't setting them off every chance they get a part of showing how useless N2 mines are? CROW: Just ten of the *economy*-sized bombs. > demolishing 90% of the world's population > that we have today after the Second Impact. TOM: *Somebody* has to appreciate the special effects. > The remaining 10% would > have to go through centuries of nuclear winter, where they would die > slowly due to the lack of food sources. CROW: Even delicious snack cakes? MIKE: No way! Twinkies are forever! > Nothing would survive during > this period, not even bacteria, sir. This is indeed the Third Impact, > the final blow that would accomplished the Angels' mission: to > eliminate all humanity and also the Earth." MIKE: Was that *quite* their aim? CROW: Well, hey--at least heaven's going to be full. > A deathly silence fell upon them as the final straw has been > drawn. CROW: And oddly enough, it's as short as all the others. > Ritsuko's final words pierced even through Gendo's cold, iron > mask as Shinji notices his so-called father TOM: Say--now *there's* a plot twist. CROW: Or a sitcom. > flinches at the news . . . > > In the silence and darkness of space, an enormous shadow > sneaks slowly across it, like a silent stalker quietly aiming at its > prey. MIKE: Cue the dramatic chords! > It seeks sanctuary as it approaches the shadow of the red > planet named after the Roman war god. CROW: But it really wanted to be named after the third Stooge. TOM: Funny, isn't it--roving astronomical objects always take the package tour... > It's round structure gleam > silver as the sunlight shines on its round surface. TOM: So much for the shadow. MIKE: Well, isn't a Germany-sized silver basketball that much more impressive? > In a slow but > sure pace, it continues on its steady course towards Earth . . . MIKE: Slow and steady wins the race. CROW: Not in these films, it doesn't. > > > > To Be Continued > > > Author's note: This is my very first fanfic I've ever written (Many > thanks to my editor and co-writer: Rian Pulunggono), CROW: There's plenty of credit to go around! > so > please tell me what do you think. My address is at > artemis156@hotmail.com. TOM: One hundred and fifty-two Sailor Moon fans, three mythology fans... and one Evangelion fan. > As always, all flames would be > ignored (ha ha!). CROW: Gee, first we're supposed to send in our comments, and now they're going to be ignored. MIKE: Not nice, Crow, not nice. TOM: Indeed. Somehow, a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders... CROW: Oh, yeah. But let's not discuss it here. MIKE: Fine with me. > [Mike picks up Tom, and follows Crow out of the theatre.] [commercials]