Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 "Republic's Fall" Misted by Matt Blackwell, Douglas Gale, Brendan Herlihy, Keith Palmer, and Eric Schepers Dedicated to the memory of Sir Alec Guiness. [Season 9 Opening] [The Bridge of the Satellite of Love] [Mike Nelson, the sole human aboard the SoL and nominal protagonist of our little story, stands behind the command console, flanked by Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot.] Mike: Hey everyone, and welcome aboard the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson and with me, as always, are Tom Servo and Crow, my robot pals. Well, as many of you know, it's 1999 and I've been trapped up here in space for almost 5 years now. It's April back on Earth, and with April spring arrives in full force. And hey, it may be the last April many people ever see, what with that that Y2K thing coming. And to tell you the truth, I'm getting kind of homesick. My heart is longing for those lazy April Wisconsin spring days when my baby, April, and me would head out to the park, lay out a picnic on the warm spring snowdrifts, April, which by then had thawed to only about two feet deep, April. Oh, she looked so April lovely lying there in the sun, dressed only in four or five April layers of clothing... Crow: Mike? What are you doing? Mike: I'm just reminiscing about springtime back on April... Tom: There! You did it again! Mike: I did what again? Crow: You've been over-emphasizing the fact that it's April! And 1999, to boot! Mike: I have? Tom: Yes, and it's really getting annoying, Mike. Crow: What are trying to tell us? Tom: Oh, geez. We've forgotten your birthday, haven't we? Mike: No, that's not... Crow: Ack! How could we have been so stupid? Gypsy! It's spud boy's birthday! Gypsy: [O.S.] Happy Birthday, Mike! I'm giving you a gift certificate to Amazon.com, okay? Mike: But it's not... Tom: Crow! I'll go get a cake! You scrounge up some presents for King Dairy there! [Tom exits, stage right.] Mike: Guys! Crow: Not now, Mike. Now let's see. What can we get you? Mike? You want a furby? Mike: No! Crow: How about these season tickets to the Lakers? Second row! Right behind Nicholson! Mike: Are you kidding? Crow, A: I'm trapped up here on a spaceship. B: The Lakers are horrible and C: It's not my b... Crow: I got it! [Crow disappears behind the console for a second and resurfaces with a video tape.] I bought this movie on e-bay. It's basically a copy of an upcoming film that someone smuggled out of the editing room. I haven't watched it yet, but I'm sure you'll love it! Mike: What's it about? Crow: It's about this kid who sees dead people! It stars Bruce Willis and... Mike: Hold it! Crow, I spend enough time watching bad movies as it is. I don't spend another two hours watching "Mercury Rising II." Crow: You know, you're impossible to shop for. Mike: But it's ... [Tom rushes in, carrying a large cake.] Tom: I've got the cake! It's basically baking soda, and saltines covered in caulk, but it should work. Just don't drink anything after you eat it, Mike. Bots: Happy Birthday! Mike: But it's not... [Mike sighs loudly, then turns to the camera.] I'll try to explain this to them during the commercials. We'll be right back. [Commercials.] [Everclear proudly proclaims that they are sci-fi. Ads for "Big Daddy." And Sci-Fi presents _Farscape_! Ooh!] [The Bridge] [Mike is speaking with the bots.] Mike: ...see? It's not my birthday. I'm just a little tired of being up here. In April. Of 1999. Heck, what I wouldn't give to be living in an efficiency apartment in Minneapolis right now. Tom: Oh, like that's going to happen. Crow: Cheer up, Mikey! You've still got us! Tom: Right! We're lovable rapscallions! Crow: And later this year, you get to see humanity collapse in chaos as their computers fail en masse! Mike: Well, won't you two...? Crow: Heck no! Tom: Joel based our chronometers on some bizarre Tibetan calendar. Crow: It's Ritsbul the 73rd, Eighty-dickedy two for us. Tom: We're fine for at least 79 klickbarns more! Mike: Well, that's reassuring to know. It's still not my birthday though. And... [The lights signaling a call from Pearl Forrester begin to flash.] We'll finish this after we see what Alan Smithee wants. [Mike hits the light.] [The scene shifts to a rainy, outside location. Pearl stands in a line, surrounded by extras. She doesn't seem terribly happy to be there.] Pearl: Afternoon Mike. At least, I think it's afternoon. I can't really tell around here. [SoL] Mike: Pearl, is there a reason why you and a hundred other people are standing fully clothed in your shower? [The Line] Pearl: Very funny, Mike. Hardy-har-har. Bobo talked me into taking him to some little Star Wars shindig. [SoL] Mike: A Star Wars shindig? Pearl, that came out over 20 years ago. [The Line] Pearl: It's for the new one, Nelson... [SoL] Mike: New one? Crow: Sure! Lucas decided to do some prequels to the original movies. Mike: He did? Tom: He did. Mike, we've been telling you about this for months. Mike: You have? Crow: Yeah! Tom and I are totally stoked about going to see it! We even installed a system to remind us on when it's coming out! Mike; You di... [Mike is interrupted by a loud booming voice reverberating through the Bridge.] Voice: [V.O.] STAR WARS EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE OPENS IN JUST 20 DAYS! JUST 20 DAYS, 14 HOURS, 23 MINUTES TO GO! [Mike covers his ears with his hands and speaks as the voice continues it's proclamation.] Mike: THAT ALARM? Tom: YES! Crow: IT'S BEEN DOING THAT EVERY FIVE MINUTES FOR THE PAST FOUR MONTHS, MIKE. I'M SURPRISED YOU'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT! MIKE: ME TOO! PEARL? [The Line] [Pearl winces.] Pearl: Geez, Mike. I can hear that thing from down here. Bobo's a big fan of this Star Clerks thing, so he begged me to take him to this celebration thing. [icily] He neglected to tell me that I'd be spending the next 5 hours in the rain standing in line. Mike, have you ever smelled wet gorilla fur? [SoL] [The alarm has stopped.] All: Eewwwwww. Crow: So, where is Bobo anyway? [The Line] Pearl: Oh, he spent about two or three minutes out here before someone mistook him for a wookie, whatever that is, and dragged him inside. [SoL] Tom: Why haven't you left then? [The Line] Pearl: Well, duh. What do you think I'm doing? It's just that there's a line for that too. At least, I think it's the line to leave. I did accidentally spend two hours in line waiting to see the guy who did the catering on 'Return of the Jedi.' Anyway, as I've just about had it with all things Star Wars related, I've decided to ruin the prequels for you too. [SoL] Tom: What? Mike: You foul beast! Crow: Have you no sense of decency? [The Line] Pearl: No, Art. I don't. That's why I'm sending you spoilers for not only Episode 1, but Episodes 2 and 3 too. [SoL] [Silence] Crow: Mike? They always said there were no monsters. No real ones. But there are, aren't they? Tom: [sobbing] I've got a really bad feeling about this... Mike: Pearl, you've shattered the hopes and dreams of two poor little robots. How could you sink so low? [The line] Pearl: Mike, tell you what. You spend two hours listening to people debate whether or not whether or not Han shot first, then let's see if you're quite as judgmental, okay? Now, where is Brain Guy..? [Observer enters, looking rather annoyed.] Observer: Pearl, I must protest... Voice: [O.S.] Emperor Palpatine! Dude! Observer: [turning offscreen] I am not Emperor Palpatine! Voice #2: [O.S.] A Jedi! Observer: No! I am not a Jedi either, you blithering buffoons! Nor am I a Tusken Raider! Can't you get it through your simian skulls that I am not a character from your pathetic little cinematic excursion! Do you understand? [Silence. Then the voices shout again.] Voices: [O.S.] Stewie! Observer: Pearl? Do we have to persist in participating in this event? I can not tolerate another minute... Pearl: Brain Guy, do I need to explain this again? You've got to stay in line, so that you can get into the dealer's room, and buy a bunch of figures. That way I can dump them on e-Bay tomorrow so that I can finance my trip to Blackhawk. Got it? Observer: But there are 2000 people in line ahead of me... Pearl: So? Use your powers. Be creative. But, can you send this up to the boys first? Observer: Oh, very well. [The Observer's F/X can be heard.] [SoL] [The movie sign lights are flashing.] All: AHHHH!!! WE'VE GOT SPOILER SIGN!!!! [The bots rush wildly around and the door sequence begins...] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .] [As the theater doors open, we see that the first row of seats are already occupied. Mike and the bots enter and stop at the end of the aisle.] Mike: Excuse me, but what're you doing? Fan: We heard there was a screening of the Star Wars film up here so we showed up. Mike: Out! Now! This is a private screening! Fan: All right, all right. [The fans sullenly stand up and exit the theater. Mike and the bots take their usual places.] Crow: Wow. That was really noble of you, Mike. Keeping those poor fans from having being exposed to this. Mike: There's nothing noble about it. Those jerks were making a mess. Aw! They knocked over a coke! The floor's all sticky. Tom: Hey, it's worse down here, pal. > > > > > >The Rise and Fall of Anakin Skywalker > >Luke's father may define the new Star Wars Trilogy Tom: Really? I heard it was going to be about the lives and loves of interstellar pickle salesmen. >by John L. Flynn > Mike: As played by Lee Marvin. > >Among movie fans, there's no greater source of speculation >than George Lucas' upcoming Star Wars trilogy. Mike: Yes, it generates more speculation than what was in the briefcase in "Pulp Fiction". Tom: More speculation than "Is Dekker a replicant"? Crow: And even more speculation than "What was Gus van Zant thinking when he remade Psycho"? > Discussions >about who'll he in the new films, what they'll be about Mike: And how the MGM Grand can offer 99-cent shrimp cocktails and still make money! >and when they'll come out have been raging ever >since the filmmaker announced that he would favor the >moviegoing public with three new intergalactic adventures. Crow: Waaaaay back in 1955. >But in discussions about the content of these prequels, >Star Wars fans need not limit themselves to mere fantasy and >speculation. Mike: They can use rumor and innuendo too! > Tantalizing clues to these much-anticipated >movies can be found in the original trilogy, Tom: All we have to do is run the scripts through the Bible Code, make some Tarot readings, and examine some entrails and *poof* - instant script. Mike: Prophecies Of The New Trilogy. Tonight on Art Bell. > in their >Lucasfilm-approved novelizations and in early drafts >of the Star Wars script (which include a malleable >storyline for the entire nine-episode saga). > Crow: Surprisingly, the latter three episodes seem to consist of Luke and some talking otters singing songs from "Godspell". >In the early 1970s, Lucas wrote dozens of draft scripts >and story treatments inspired by Flash Gordon serials, >fantasy adventure novels and traditional parables. Mike: So, originally Luke was supposed to be hanging around with Hawkmen on Mongo? Crow: No, I think he was on a quest to save a Princess from a Krait Dragon and find a mystic crimson emerald. Tom: No, no, no. You're both wrong. Originally, Luke was on the road to Mos Eisley, when he was beaten up, and the only person who'd stop and help him was a friendly Jawa. > One >of the most detailed early scripts followed Luke's father, >Anakin Skywalker (originally Starkiller). Crow: But the name was changed after protests from the 'Hey! Don't Kill the Stars!' League. > The story >specifically examined his relationship with Obi-Wan Kenobi Tom: Don't analyze it, you'll ruin the romance. >and related how, by following the easy path, Skywalker >was eventually transformed into the evil Darth Vader. Mike: It also revealed that if he followed the even easier path, he would have transformed to the really evil Gilbert Gottfried. >Fearing that the story would bore modern children because >it focused more on character development than action, Tom: Heck, that'd bore most adults too. Crow: Well, George has had twenty years to work on it. I'm sure he'll find a way to make everyone happy. >Lucas shelved the treatment in favor of the later story >that became Star Wars, but he never abandoned the script. Crow: Every four weeks, Lucas sent the script a small stipend to support itself. >The earlier material became the backstory ftom which Star >Wars, The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi played >out and therefore the tale would logically serve as the >focus of Lucas' upcoming prequels. > Mike: But, since we're dealing with Hollywood, we can pretty much throw logic out the window. Tom: Sure! People would *love* to see a big screen version of Fish! Crow: Don't you think Hamlet would be better if Hamlet ran a video store and he had a gay robot for a sidekick? >The following outline is only one interpretation of >what the new Star Wars films may contain, Crow: So, it's a wild-assed guess then? Mike: Pretty much. Tom: [Flynn] But it's a WAG that I *sold*, dogonne it! > but it's based >entirely on information in Lucas' own scripts and on >tidbits contained in officially sanctioned novelizations. > Mike: No inside information? Tom: Not even a daring midnight raid of Lucasfilm's trash cans? Crow: My fantasies have been shattered. > > > Episode 1: > THE CLONE WARS Crow: Okay, the party's over. Nothing to see here-- let's leave. Mike: But we haven't seen anything yet. Crow: But the title, Mike, the title! Can't you see it all in the title? >"For over a thousand generations, the Jedi Knights were >the guardians of peace and justice in the Old Republic.." > Tom: And then the job fell to Ernest P. Worrel. >Having completed his Jedi training under the tutelage >of Master Yoda, young Obi-Wan Kenobi faces his first >test as a warrior in the Clone Wars, Crow: Kenobi must fight the hordes of fans demanding bootleg "Phantom Menace" figures. > a conflict >between the Republic and the outside forces that >helped undermine the internal viability of the >Republic. Mike: So, it's the Republic versus the evil commie hordes then? > (One clue to the nature of the Clone >Wars can be found in the novelization of The Empire >Strikes Back by Donald Glut. Crow: In the novel, the Clone Wars are described as being massive battles betweens groups of beings who are genetic copies of other beings. > When Boba Fett is first >introduced in the novel, he is described as wearing >"a weapon-covered, armored spacesuit, Mike: Emblazoned on the chest? "I'm With Stupid". > the kind worn >by a group of evil warriors defeated by the Jedi >Knights during the Clone Wars.") Tom: Jedi Knights versus evil warriors in Boba Fett suits! Suddenly, the Clone Wars have come alive! > >Moviegoers know that Obi-Wan gained experience in >this conflict Crow: Enough to gain a level and add five points to his dexterity! > and studied under Yoda because the >Jedi warrior tells Luke that he once "fought in >the Clone Wars," Tom: He also told that coed in Mos Lauterdale that he was a Hollywood producer. > and that he (like Luke) was a >"reckless" pupil under Yoda. Mike: But that was before he spent some time in Jedi Town, under the watchful eye of Father Flanagan. > Leia, in her >holographic message in Star Wars, affirmed Obi-Wan's >war story. Tom: Affirmed, tolerated, slept through, whatever. > "General Kenobi, years ago you served my >father in the Clone Wars." Crow: So, now he's a butler? Can we stick with only one version of his background please? Tom: Wooster and Kenobi, this fall on the BBC. > Obi-Wan evidently rose >quickly in the service of Leia's adoptive father, Mike: Dave Thomas? >Bail Organa, Mike: Oh. Tom: Switch! Mike: Huh? Tom: Sorry. I don't know where that came from. > a Republican viceroy and chairman >of the Alderaan system, and soon became a general. > Mike: Of course, that's not terribly hard in the Star Wars universe. Tom: In fact, even Mike would have a pretty good chance of making General. Or even Major. Crow: [Dr. Bellows] Major Nelson?! >In the novelization of Star Wars, Kenobi admitted >to Luke that Darth Vader was "one of my brightest >disciples [and] one of my greatest failures," Crow: Out of a field of one, of course. Mike: [Kenobi] The only time I've ever had to give an F quadruple minus. > so >it is possible that Obi-Wan first met Anakin >Skywalker while the general was training and >leading soldiers and young Jedis in combat. Tom: Or they just met some enchanted evening across a crowded room. >Perhaps Anakin was, as Luke was originally told, >simply "a navigator on a space freighter," Mike: Perhaps he was a pimply stock boy hanging out at the water cooler. Or perhaps he was a proud pirate king! Who can say? > and >only later became "the best star-pilot in the >galaxy, and a cunning warrior." Mike: That was after the war, when everyone better than him was dead. > Regardless of >how. the two met, Skywalker heeds Kenobi's call >to help save the Republic during the Clone Wars >and begins his Jedi training. > Tom: [Kenobi] OK, so put you right foot in. Good, good, now stick your right foot out. >Meanwhile, in "the bright center of the galaxy," Crow: A.K.A. Studio 54. Tom: Where it's impossible to live due to the immense gravitational forces of all those stars... Mike: Not to mention their egos. >on the Republic's capital city-planet Aquilae, Mike: o/~ Aquilae my friend. Don't start away uneasy o/~ >the ambitious young Senator Palpatine is plotting >his own twisted political career. Tom: I bet his flowcharts look like Escher drawings. Mike: Emulating his hero, President Cl'nt'n. > Manipulating >the restlessness and infighting caused by war anxiety, Crow: [commercial] -heartburn, diarrhea, or minor stomach upset. >he promises "to reunite the disaffected among the >people and to restore the remembered glory of the >Republic" if he is elected president. Tom: o/~Springtime for Palaptine and Aquilae.. Winter for Bespin and Coruscant... o/~ Mike: I'm just waiting for him to annex Andromeda. > But >several members of the Republic's High Council are >dubious of Palpatine's stated objectives, and seek >to block his election. Mike: But the Jedi Matlin was no match for the dark powers of C'rv'lle and St'ph'n'polis. Crow: Oh, thank you, Newt Nelson. > These senators include Hail >Organa, All: Hail Organa! > Mon Mothma Crow: "Godzilla vs. Mothma". Coming soon from Toho Studios. > and other representatives who >eventually form the Rebel Alliance. Tom: They tour the world, playing covers of Billy Idol songs. Crow: They never quite catch on in the US, but they're pretty big in Japan. > Among the members >of this coalition of powerful political forces Mike: Like the Slightly Silly Party, the Norwegian Treefish Party and the Libertarians. > is >likely to be the woman who will marry Anakin Skywalker >and bear his children Luke and Leia. > Crow: Her name? Pamela Anderson. Tom: Wow, they deduced that the mother of *Princess* Leia is gonna be someone important. I've regained my faith in this movie now. >Narrowly defeated in an election for the presidency >of the Republic, Palpatine seizes power "through >subterfuge, bribery and terror." Mike: And how is this is different from a normal election...? > His first executive >act is to order the murder of Bail Organa and his >followers as they return to Alderaan, Tom: [Godfather] He's gonna sleep with the gooberfish. > and Palpatine >specifically instructs his minions to make the >group's destruction appear to be the result of an >enemy raid. Crow: Thousands of Alderaanian refugees were put ashore at the Bay of Gamorans... > The assassination attempt fails, but >"aided and abetted by restless, power-hungry >individuals Mike: Oh wait! Sorry! They're *coffee*-hungry individuals. That's why they're so restless, you see. > within the government and the massive >organs of commerce," Crow: Who exactly is he quoting? Mike: You know. Unnamed government sources. Crow: Oh. > Palpatine assumes near-absolute >control of the tottering Republic, Tom: [Palpatine] Aha, at long last I control... this thing... that doesn't really work that well anymore. Shoot. > influencing by >force of arms (or through his powers as an evil >sorcerer) Crow: If you read Palpatine as Yeltsin, this thing starts looking like an apology for the existence of crunchy peanut butter. > most High Council representatives and >numerous guilds. Mike: Like the all-powerful Bowling Guild. > His inevitable emergence as >emperor and the dissolution of the High Council >are documented in the novelization of Star Wars. Tom: ...which, as an authorized agent of Amazon.com, you can buy through this link... Crow: That's a good idea, Tom. You should patent it. >Although Palpatine's power play is clearly defined, >the Clone Wars remain a mystery. Mike: Were clones involved in this war? Crow: Was it a war, or just a police action? Tom: And where exactly was Scud Stud Arthur Kent during this conflict? > Few details about >the conflict surface in the books, and even fewer >are revealed in the three films or in early drafts >of the Star Wars screenplay. Mike: Which is why most of this information came from the liner notes from "Live at Buddokhan." > One can conjecture >that the Jedi Knights fought to prevent cloning >technology from being used to create Crow: Kathy Lee Gifford? > a terrible >weapon Mike: Oh, no, they have the ability shoot millions of exact replicas of George Lucas into our kitchens! We'll starve! > or an army that would be used against >the Republic. Tom: The Clone Wars: Noble Jedi fighting hordes of evil Sheep Soldiers. > Obi-Wan (O.B.-one) might even be >some sort of clone designation, Mike: Shyah! And clones of the band Stryper *might* fly out of my butt! > identifying the >first clone of a man with the initials O.B. Tom: Oscar Brunewald! Crow: Orville Baedeker! Mike: Otoh Brisket! Tom: Obsessively Brutal! Crow: Ortega's Buddy! Mike: Oh, brother. >Perhaps, as the Jedi ranks precipitously fell >(through disease or other causes), scientists >in the Old Republic were forced to clone their >warriors. Crow: They could have hired some free agents, but no, they had to take the cheap route. > When information about this development >first surfaced, sinister forces from worlds outside >the Republic may have sought out the technology to >strengthen their armies. Tom: Why are the forces always sinister and faceless? Wouldn't it be more interesting if it was all started by some fair-haired likable guy named Steve? > With the successful end >of the wars, fearing that the cloning might once >again be used for evil, the Jedis likely destroyed >the technology and all information about the >procedure. > Crow: Well, soap can be used for evil. Why didn't they destroy all the soap? Mike: Even Jedis take the bus, Crow. >The first film of the new trilogy could close >with Republican victory, Mike: As George W. Bush takes the podium and congratulates his supporters... Tom: [snort] Yeah, like he'll ever get the nod. Crow: It's going to be McCain in there. Mark my words... > led by Obi-Wan Kenobi >and Anakin Skywalker, in the Clone Wars, and the >temporary defeat of the evil forces threatening >the Repulic from within. Mike: Buchanan must have dropped his third party idea. Crow: "Repulic"? Sounds like they cloned a chicken. > But as Kenobi and Anakin >Skywalker are lavished with medals, Tom: [Anakin, lurching over] Oof! Man, a life of usin' the force sure weakens your neck muscles, I tell ya. > the latter >finds favor with his future wife and, ominously, >the powerful Senator Palpatine. > Mike: That's it? I somehow pictured this with lots more digital effects and goofy aliens. Tom: Now, Mike... Less new stuff means less opportunity to find fault. It's just that simple! Crow: Even so, I can see why George is in California counting his money and this guy's peddling his speculations to movie magazines. >Episode Two: >The Rise of Darth Vader Crow: Huh? "Theresa Othbart Wafer"? What? Mike: Crow, I think you lost your contacts again. Crow: I'm sorry, Mike. The stories are so much easier to take when they're illegible. Mike: Here, I brought your spares. Come on. [Mike puts contacts onto Crow.] > > >"Once, under the wise rule of the Senate and >the protection of the Jedi Knights, the Republic >throve and grew," Lucas wrote in Star Wars. Tom: Then he wrote, "Add in something furry and cute..." > "But >as often happens when wealth and power pass beyond >the admirable and attain the awesome, then appear >those evil ones who had greed to match.." > Mike: Art Brown? >Some time has passed since the Jedi's victory >brought an end to the Clone Wars, Tom: Twelve, maybe fifteen minutes? > but in that >time boredom and complacency have exacted a terrible >toll on the Old Republic. Crow: What they need is a good war in the stars. > Palpatine promoted >corruption, bribery and terror Mike: [Palpatine] Corruption! Bribery! Half price! I'm *givin'* it away! > have reduced the >High Council to a collection of rubber-stamp >legislators Crow: [pol] Henceforth, rubber stamps will be at least four inches wide, and will be made of strawberry licorice! > (except for a few fearless patriots, >such as Bail Organa and Mon Mothma) Tom: And B-Wing Bob Nanrod. > and does a >massive, faceless bureaucracy maintains control >over the various star systems. Mike: I don't know--you tell us. > Even the once-great >Jedi Knights have been slowly supplanted by Anakin >to Palpatine's Sith Lords and their elite guard. Tom: Yeah, evil sued to get equal representation. >"Like the greatest of trees, the Republic rotted >from within, though the danger was not visible >from outside," Lucas wrote. > Crow: Oh, Darth Elm Disease! Mike: A call went out to Tree Doctors. They said they'd be by on Thursday. >The decline of the Republic casts a dark shadow >over the lives of Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan >Kenobi. This middle story in the new trilogy likely >contains the turning point in Skywalker's life. Tom: Or it contains Portman and Christensen making kissy faces. Mike: Who? Crow: He's just making up names, Mike. Mike: That's good. For some reason, I kept thinking "DiCaprio" myself. >Like all great mythological heroes, he faces a >severe test, engineered no doubt by Palpatine. Mike: Since he's the main enemy in the series... Crow: [Palpatine] Sort the following names in alphabetical order as quickly as possible. Then we move on to typing . . . >The late philosopher Joseph Campbell refers to >this stage as "the belly of the whale," Tom: Then he talked about about another breeze blowing in whenever the big fella cracks a grin. > and posits >that a true hero needs the courage to fight demons >from within as well as from without. Crow: Actually, I'd recommend Pepto-Bismol. > Campbell, >whose writings Lucas has studied, further concludes >that only by fighting off fear, anger and aggression Mike: [trembling] Can we stop bein' so a-scared! >("the dark side of the Force are they," says Yoda) >does a hero survive and prosper. Tom: After all, living an uneventful and prosperous life isn't a very heroic tale. > But, unable to >manage his desires arid fears, Mike: Those humid fears, they're the ones that really keep you awake at night. > Anakin succumbs to >Palpatine's influence. Crow: [Anakin] Whoa! The dude's right! Life insurance does make a lot of sense, even for a single guy like me! > Kenobi later tells Luke that >Anakin "was seduced by the dark side of the Force. Mike: The adult in him likes the shadowy dark side, but the kid in him loves the sugary light side! >He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became >Darth Vader. Crow: But he still received tons of junk mail for "Mr. Skywater" for years afterward. > When that happened, the good man who >was your father was destroyed." > Tom: This father will self-destruct in five seconds. >Though little is known about Anakin's courtship >and marriage, Mike: ...we suspect that the words "icky" and "ewwww" and "what were you thinking???" came up a lot. > we do know that the union produces >Luke and Leia, the children Anakin never knows. Crow: Except in certain erotic Star Wars tales... >Impatient, reckless and disappointed by his own >failures, Tom: But enough about McCaully Culkin! > the young Jedi leaves his wife and >friends to pursue a new course of study under >Palpatine- Mike: Why does the Force run strong in my family? Page 65. > before his wife reveals that she is >pregnant. Crow: [Kenobi] He was pretty dumb, really. > Twenty years later, Kenobi explains to >Luke: Crow: [Kenobi] You see, when a man loves a woman very, very much... > "When your father left, he didn't know >your mother was pregnant. Tom: [Kenobi] He barely knew she was a woman. We're talking one rock-stupid Jedi, Luke. Of course, he found out later when the courts hit him up for child support. > Your mother and I >knew he would find out eventually, but we wanted >to keep you both as safe as possible." Tom: [Kenobi] So we took away your father and prevented him finding out about the one thing which might have changed his mind and made him resolve to better himself. Devilishly clever, don't you agree? > Kenobi, a >trusted friend and confidant of Skywalker's >wife, Crow: IfyaknowwhatImean. > agrees to keep her secret safe, Mike: Leading to a thrilling action sequence as Obi-Wan tries to run dill pickles and ice cream past Anakin's watchful eye! > and later >helps her hide the children. Mike: [Kenobi] Look, here! This filing cabinet has drawers you never use. Crow: I liked this better when it was a "Lifetime" made-for-TV movie, with Lindsay Wagner as the battered wife buried alive by her philandering husband stalking the bulimic baby-sitter with a secret they pushed too far. > "To protect you both >from the emperor, you were hidden from your father >when you were born," Kenobi tells Luke. Tom: [Irish cop] All right, Kenobi, where's Leia?! Where is she?! Mike: [Kenobi] She's not in this stove! Tom: [Irish cop] Oh-ho! So she's hidin' in the stove, ay? > " I took >you to live with my brother Owen on Tatooine. Crow: [Kenobi] Sorry about his body stench, but he can't help it. It's glandular. >..and your mother took Leia to live as the >daughter of Senator Organa, on Alderaan." > Tom: You became a dirt farmer, she became a princess. Fair deal all around, don't you think? Mike: Some times I think Luke got the short straw. Crow: Or at least he lost the coin flip. >Since Anakin Skywalker is such a "powerful Jedi" >(according to Yoda), he does not fall under >Palpatine's spell easily. Crow: It takes a whole string of stirring evil potion-stirring scenes. > But by exploiting the >younger man's insecurities and by promising wealth >and power, Mike: [Emperor] Annie? If you cross over to the dark side, I'll give you these lovely Pokemon foil cards... > the evil sorcerer gradually turns >Anakin to the dark side. Tom: [Eddie and the Cruisers] o/~ On the dark side! Aaaaaw, yeah! o/~ > A rift obviously forms >between Kenobi and his former apprentice, and >Obi-Wan is forced to take action. Crow: Star Wars Episode 2: Avenging Disco Jedi! Mike: This time, it's personal! > "When I saw >what had become of him, I tried to dissuade him, >to draw him back from the dark side. Mike: [Kenobi, tempting] I made cupcakes! Nummy nummy! Tom: You know, them Jedi respond better if you use a surface lure instead of live bait. > We fought... >your father fell into a molten pit," Kenobi >tells Luke in Return of the Jedi. Crow: [Luke] Whoa, just like the end to "Terminator 2". Hey, that means dad's made of liquid metal! Wicked! > This climactic >struggle over the "molten pit" could end the >second film in traditional clifihanger fashion. Crow: This story lacks the taut mystery and suspense found in your average episode of "Animaniacs". Mike: I question the use of the term "cliffhanger" here. Tom: Yeah. I mean, it's Vader. He lives and gets evil. >"When your father clawed his way out of that >fiery pool," Kenobi told Luke, Mike: [Kenobi] He tripped on his light saber and fell in again. Aw, man, that was hysterical! > "the change had >been burned into him forever-he was Darth Vader... >irredeemably dark. Crow: [Kenobi] Plus, he had 'SITH ROOLZ' singed into his hair. > Scarred. Crow: Blackened with bold Cajun spices! > Kept alive only by >machinery and his own black will." > Mike: And lots of ginsana. >Of course, audiences already know that the newly >created Darth Vader survived the fall into the >molten pit, Tom: Turns out they were molten Creamsicles, so it was just room temperature. Mike: He wasn't burned, just sticky. > but at the time Kenobi thought his >friend's death was certain. Crow: Still, he started sprayin' semiautomatic gunfire across the lava, just for laughs! Tom: See? Dramatic irony. *Good* movie. > When he retrieves >Anakin's lightsaber (which he saved for Luke), Mike: The yet, unborn child named Luke. Tom: George Lucas' Fetal Jedis! Mike: No. >he bade farewell to Skywalker, but unbeknownst >to Kenobi, Crow: ...this gave Vader the authority to change his long distance carrier. > below him, in the fiery pool of death, >a scorched hand reached up toward life. Mike: Then it reached towards the Neosporin. Tom: [gasping] The Joker was in that pit! > Anakin >Skywalker may well have been dead, but Darth Vader >was born. > Crow: Weeks later, when Obi-Wan wasn't invited to the baptism, he knew something was wrong! >This deadly struggle between Obi-Wan Kenobi and >Anakin Skywalker could logically form the central >conflict in the middle film, Mike: Together with Tom Green, as Dick Buttrubber, the saucy, uninhibited Jedi! > but its ahhonoriented Tom: Wow! Crow: Whee. Mike: Huh? >background story must be equally compelling. Like >the search for the Holy Grail in the third Indiana >Jones film, Tom: Or the search for the Lost Ark, or perhaps even the lost stones in the Temple of Doom-- Crow: What? George reuses his plots? I'm shocked. > much of the action in this character- >driven story could be centered around a quest for >some great energy source. Mike: Sure. The plot's going to be driven by searching for an energy source. Crow: And the first film's going to center around a trade dispute. Tom: Tell us another one. > In Lucas' second screenplay >for Star Wars, which was completed in 1975, the >primary plot device was the search for a Kiber Crystal. Mike: Did they try the Khyber Pass? >("The Kibur (sic] Crystal was a powerful energy source >which gave the owner such powers over the Force that >he would be all but invincible," Tom: Well heck! *I'm* all but invincible. That's no big trick. Mike: Yeah, become all *and* invincible. Then I'll be impressed. > wrote Allan Dean >Foster in Splinter of the Mind's Eye.) Tom: We also call it a 'twink stone'. > Obsessed with >possessing the powefful red crystal, Crow: His friends eventually had to do an intervention. > PaIpatine may >dispatch his forces in an effort to find the gem. Mike: [deeply] And so, the War of the Raspberry Ju-Ju-Bee had begun. >Anakin's discovery of the crystal might fuel the >growing tension between him and Kenobi Tom: Wow. This is exactly what broke up Loggins and Mesina. > and provide >the tension that otherwise might be missing with the >audience's knowledge of Ariakin's survival. > Tom: Yep, he found the crystal. *I'm* on the edge of my seat... > >EPISODE THREE: >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC > Mike: Banana Republic? Tom: Why, I think I just found my favorite episode of all time! >"Once secure in his office, [Palpatine] declared >himself Emperor, shutting him self away from the >populace. Crow: Agoraphobic dictators, and the women who never meet them! Next Sally! > Soon he was controlled by the very assistants >and boot lickers he had appointed to high office.." Mike: Now, how exactly do you control someone who can fricassee you with a thought? Crow: I'm guessing that they kept him on a perpetual sugar rush with a stash of Pixie Stix. >The implication of this passage from the novelization >of Star Wars is that Palpatine himself faced an >internal struggle to maintain control of his empire. Tom: This is straight out of a bad episode of "The E! True Hollywood Story." Mike: [narrator] Palpatine's agent, Sid Callow, remembers! >By the third film of the new trilogy, the Republic >almost certainly has fallen, Tom: Which means that the Episode 3 title needs a change in verb tense. > and chaos and anarchy >are at hand unless the emperor can demonstrate the >awesome power of the "dark side." Mike: Flynn sees things the fan way. He knows evil sells. Crow: [Palpatine] The dark side gives you real rotisserie flavor in the comfort of your own kitchen! And it's portable, too! > Acquiring a great >power source, like the Kiber Crystal, is one way >to do that; Tom: Just like a man, braggin' about the size of his rocks. > the other is to commit some outrageous >abomination that will strike terror into the hearts >of those whom he seeks to control. Crow: No! Not a Holiday Special! > He may choose >both paths. > Tom: Or he could use the massive organs of communication to build consensus and encourage neighborly conduct. Crow: Now where's the fun in that? >The emperor's first action is the resurrection of >Anakin Skywalker as Darth Vader. Tom: He then traded Vader and a Jedi to be named later for the rights to sign Grant Hill. > Perhaps through a >montage sequence, the once-great Jedi could be >saved Mike: Montage sequences--the next great medical breakthrough! > and transformed by a life-giving mechanical >black helmet, Tom: [dramatic] The Holy Grail... The Shroud of Turin... [now goofy] A Life-Giving Mechanical Black Helmet-Type Thingy! > along with black robes, a flowing black >cape and "black armor-armor which, Mike: Armor-armor! As endorsed by Duran Duran! > though black it >was, was not nearly as dark as the thoughts drifting >through the mind within." Tom: So, black then? Crow: He's still more colorful than the average goth. > According to the Star Wars >novel, the Dark Lord, more machine than man, Crow: So why doesn't he move in slow motion and make cool sound effects like the Six Million Dollar Man? Mike: Well... because we don't want to think about Emperor Oscar Goldman. Crow: [shudders] Ergh. Sorry I mentioned it. > leads the >emperor's effort to "hunt down and destroy the >Jedi Knights." With the Jedis on the run, Tom: [McCartney] o/~ Well the rain exploded with a mighty crash! As we fell into the.... o/~ > Palpatine's >plan for conquest and terror has only just begun. > Crow: o/~ White lace and promises o/~ Mike: Soon, Conquest would be clerking at Palpatine's law firm. And Terror would be studying for its real estate license! >Meanwhile, Kenobi eludes Vader's hunt and, perhaps >with Yoda, Tom: Perhaps with country superstar Dwight Yoakum... > undertakes the rescue of the former >Skywalker's children. Crow: I picture Obi Wan and Yoda standing in the pouring rain like a couple of dopes, waiting for a school bus to return. > Luke and Leia represent the >future of the Jedi Knights and perhaps the only >real hope for the restoration of the Republic. Tom: Except for the lost Jedi, Anastasia. >"The Emperor knew, as I did, that if Anakin were >to have any offspring, they would be a threat to >him," Obi-Wan explains to Luke. > Mike: They'd be borrowing his car, staying out 'til the wee hours, and tying up the phone all night. Why, Vader would have an ulcer in no time flat. >In a possible denouement for the trilogy, Tom: -the story would come to an end. But that's just *one* possibility. > Kenobi >slips through the Empire's defenses and rescues >Skywalker's family. Crow: It would have been simpler to call the A-Team, but no, Obi had to do it all himself... > Leia and her mother go to >live on Alderaan, in the safety of Bail Organa's >family, Mike: Wait, didn't he do this already? Crow: Aw, hell. Lucas blew up two Death Stars, I'm sure he can rescue two sets of Vader's kids. Small logistical problem, but he'll work it out. > while Kenobi delivers Luke to his brother >Owen Lars, Tom: From planet Mars? Crow: He goes out at night, and eats up cars! Mike: Cadillacs? Lincolns too? Mercury and Subaru? > possibly stopping first on Dagobah to >bid Yoda farewell. Tom: [Kenobi] I flew all the way out here, billions of miles out of my way, just to tell you bye, Yoda. Whaddaya think about *that*? Crow: [Yoda] Moron, you are. Mike: Obi, he's a puppet! Wake up! Tom: Woo! Good one, Nelson! Man, think what kind of loser spends all his time talking with a stupid puppet! Heh-heh! > (When he arrives on Dagobab, >Luke tells R2-D2 "there's something familiar about >this place," Mike: [Luke] This looks like that planet we just landed on! > suggesting that he has some childhood >memory buried deep in his subconscious.) Tom: Recovered memory syndrome! Luke's going to have a full slate for his pain and anguish suit against Vader. Crow: Than again, he might just be remembering his high school trip to Jersey. > Obi-Wan >then settles on Tatooine, not far from his brother's >moisture farm, Crow: Giving him plenty of chances to drop by to borrow cups of spice, of course. > changes his name to Ben and awaits >the day when young Luke will heed his own call >to adventure... > Mike: One day, Luke is going to head off to Lolapalooza.... Crow: [narrator, sly] But that's a story, for another day! Tom: Let's take a road trip of our own. [The bots and Mike stand up and exit the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [Mike stands behind the control console, flanked by Tom and Crow.] Mike: Well, I guess I don't really need to see Phantom Menace now. Or for that matter, any other Star Wars films for the next decade. Hmm, maybe I'll go to that "Matrix" film I've seen advertised... Crow: Oh, please, Mike. Like that'll be any good. I mean, Keanu Reeves is in it. Tom: Besides, I'm sure that there's still plenty of time for these films to be punched up a bit. Crow: And Tom and I, taking a clue from our author, have some suggestions to Lucas on how to improve them. Mike: Okay, I'm game. What 'cha got? Tom: Well, I'd start Episode I a bit differently. I'd have the Jedi embark on a hunt to find "The Chosen One"; a child who would fulfill some sort of prophecy. Mike: I'm with you so far. Tom: But, they realize that going out and searching the entire galaxy would take an exorbitant amount of time. So, they concoct a plan to have the kid come to them. Mike: Still sounds good. How are they going to do that? Tom: Well, they make these gold tickets and distribute them in candy bars across the galaxy. If you find a golden ticket, then you get to come to Coruscant and be tested. And four of the kids will be real jerks. Oh! And there'll be a Sith guy there named Slugworth trying to convert the kids over to his side... Mike: Tom? I think that's been done. Crow: Besides, they don't have paper in the Star Wars Universe. They'll have to stick PADDS in or something. Tom: Well, let's hear you do better, goldenrod. Crow: Fine. I'd start off by focusing on the romance between Luke and Leia's mom and Anakin Skywalker. Mom and Anakin fell in love back on Tatooine. Mom was the daughter of a lowly moisture farmer and Anakin helped out around the farm. To prove his love for her, Anakin set off on a trip across the galaxy, but his ship was attacked by spice pirates, and he was lost. So, it was arranged for Mom to wed an Alderaanian prince... Mike: Crow? Crow: ... But while she was out riding her dewback one day, she was abducted by a Rodian, a Giant Wookie and a Jedi Knight out to avenge the death of his father by the hands of a six fingered man... Mike: Crow? Crow: But Anakin wasn't dead! Rather he was trained by the Dread Pirate Hutt to become a space pirate! Mike: Okay, that's enough. Crow? Why don't you and Tom collaborate on a script while I check up on how Pearl's doing? Crow: Oh, all right. Tom: Say, how about setting the movie on the night before Anakin and a bunch of his buddies head off to college? Crow: Ooh! And Anakin can wander around town chasing after his dream woman and he'll get advice from Shistavanen Jack! Mike: [Sigh] Pearl? How ya doin' down there? [The Convention.] [The line still stretches into the distance, although it has moved indoors. Pearl, looking none too pleased, remains surrounded by extras. One of them is chatting with her.] Man: ...so that's when I walked up to George and said, "Sir? Could I have a line? Please?" Well, he looked at me for a second and then he had one of his people beat me senseless! If you look closely in scene #22, you can see my arm sticking out from behind the rocks in the main docking bay... Pearl: [To the camera, sarcastically] Oh, I'm doing great, Mike. I still haven't been able to leave, and I've spent the past half hour talking to "Hoth Trooper #6." So, I'm having just a peachy time. [Brain Guy enters carrying a stack of plastic cups.] Observer: Pearl? I've been unable to find a booth selling soda, although I was able to procure these empty cups for you... Pearl: Well, that does me a lot of good, Brain Guy. Now go back out there and find me something to drink. Observer: But Pearl, there's nothing drinkable for sale here... Pearl: [angrily] Look, there's 10,000 people here! I'm sure that some entrepreneur has decided to start selling drinks. Find him and buy me one! Observer: I suppose I could go outside and collect rainwater in this cup... Pearl: Yeah, you do that. [SoL] Mike: So, we're done, right? We've read your story, after all. Tom: ... how about this: Anakin is a freighter pilot and he drives this black spaceship. He picks Mom one day along the road... Crow: Oh! And he's being chased across the galaxy by space cop Beauford T. Jedi! Tom: Yeah! [The Convention] Pearl: Yeah, I guess you're done. [Observer re-enters, soaking wet, carrying another cup, which he hands to Pearl.] Observer: Here you are. Pearl: Thanks. Okay, Nelson. You're done for today... [Pearl lifts the cup to her lips and begins to drink, only to perform a spit-take a few moments later.] Pearl: Brain Guy! What is this swill? Observer: I'm afraid that I couldn't get outside to collect some rainwater, but there was a gentleman near the door selling ... Pearl: And you paid money for this?!? [SoL] Mike: I hope things get better for you, Pearl. [to the bots] Guys? We're done. [The Convention] Pearl: Not so fast, Mike! If I have to suffer, so do you! I'm sending up Flynn's script for Episode Three! [SoL] Mike: But we were finished! [The Convention] Pearl: You were until Brainy tried to poison me! Observer: Pearl, it's only a Diet Pepsi. Pearl: And have you ever tasted Diet Pepsi? Observer: Well, no. Pearl: Trust me, it's poison. Get back in the theater, Mike. [SoL] [The lights are flashing merrily. Crow and Tom seem rather oblivious to the din.] Mike: I don't believe this. Crow: Or how about Princess Leia's Mom hooks up with one of her friends after Vader dumps her and the two borrow a landspeeder and go on a cross country adventure? Tom: They could hook up with Brad Pitt! Crow: Great idea! Mike: Guys, forget the movie ideas! We've got MOVIE SIGN!!!! [Mike hits the lights and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The trio sullenly walk in and take their usual places.] Crow: Well this is getting better and better. First we miss Mike's birthday. . . Mike: It's not my birthday . . . Crow: . . . and now we have to see this film out of sequence! We'll completely miss the themes carried over from the first films! Tom: Oh! Anakin can be a psychopathic psychiatrist who eats his victims and Kenobi is the FBI agent who's tracking a similar killer! Mike: It's over, Tom. Let it go. > > > > >STAR WARS: > Crow: The Demi Moore- Bruce Willis breakup! Mike: Hey, look! Colon Powell! [Mike chuckles until Crow and Tom glare at him. He cowers.] Mike: Sorry. >EPISODE III > Tom: The Hunt for Hutt! >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC > Crow: Screenplay by William Shirer. Mike: [agent] Nah, we need somethin' snappy- "Final Gunplay", "Jedi Heat", "Dark Conflict 2". That sort of thing. >Story Treatment By >John L. Flynn > > Crow: Giving new meaning to term 'Speculative Fiction'. > > >Adapted from Part 1: > >"The Adventures of > >Obi-Wan Kenobi" > Mike: Across the Eighth Dimension. Crow: Obi wan? Then he should get out in the sun more! Heh. Because he's "wan", and it's so... so sad. >The Journal of the Whills > Crow: A fanzine dedicated to that most lovely of beings, Willow Rosenberg. Mike: Let's not start this again, okay? >By George Lucas Tom: Oh, like we're SO impressed. > > > > Crow: Ahhh. A movie that appreciates the sound of silence. > > > > > > Tom: Space. The final frontier. > > > > > Mike: [exhaling] So. Crow: Yup. Tom: Doin' the space thing here. Crow: Pretty much. > > > > > > > Tom: [testily] Fully engaged in separation procedures. Crow: Still, this is Flynn's best use of nothing to date! Mike: Oh yes. The vacuity fairly crackles from the page. > > > >STAR WARS III: FALL OF THE REPUBLIC Tom: Yeah, we KNOW, all right?! Start already! Mike: Easy Tom. It's just the header. >Story Treatment By John L. Flynn > Crow: Boyle? Mike: Nah, I think he's eaten in the last month. > FADE IN: > Crow: [Flynn] "Gregor Samsa awakes to find himself transformed into a huge cockroach..." Aw, that'll never work! > MAIN AND CREDIT TITLES SUPERIMPOSED ON THE > BLACK OF OUTER SPACE -- pinpointed with > piercing stars, several moons, Crow: Green clovers, and blue diamonds... > a planet, Tom: Generic planets. Just as good as regular ones, but at a fraction of the cost. > and a bright-colored nebulae. Mike: George is going all out for this opening crawl. > As TITLES end -- > > The following is related in the story, roll-up > format: > >Long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, Mike: Just in case you missed the introduction before the main title. Tom: Sounds like the Department of Redundancy Department has co-author credit. > the Old Republic was >crumbling away, rotting from the corruption and treachery >within. Crow: But thanks to unconditional foreign aid from the US, it stayed afloat forever, while Luke Skywalker died of pancreatic cancer! > Power-hungry technocrats and wealthy bureaucrats >maneuvered and bribed their way into office, Tom: Which was fine, since the secretaries really ran the place anyway. > while one am- >bitious senator plotted to destroy the Jedi and rule the >galaxy. > Crow: And *nobody* can stop Bill Bradley! >Hoping to restore virtue and the remembered glory of the >Republic, the High Council of Senators dispatched the Jedi >Knights - protectorate of justice in the galaxy - Tom: --Also available for birthday parties. > on a >quest to retrieve the lost Kaiburr Crystal. Mike: Which, unbeknownst to the Jedi, was actually wedged behind Ki-Adi-Mundi's couch. > They believed >that the small diamond-like object (which intensified the >power of the Force) would unite the disaffected among the >people Crow: Creating a hideous force of conscientious objectors that would sweep all things decent and gentle before it! > and would destroy the corruption around them. > >However, within their Council, the evil Senator Palpatine All: o/~ Was hatching a nasty scheme! o/~ >had other traitorous designs. Tom: [Palpatine] Here, let me show you my traitorous preliminary sketches... this is just a traitorous artist's concept, mind you. > Foreseeing that the Crystal >would secure his position as Emperor, Palpatine deceived one >of the Jedi Knights and sent him to acquire the Crystal. > Mike: And now, we rejoin that Jedi, Ernest P. Warrell... Tom: Why can't the quest object ever be something less corporeal? Like mercy, or the faint scent of lilac? >DISSOLVE TO: > > > > Crow: Something several spaces from here! > >September 6, 1983 Tom: Wow! It's like we're really back then! Crow: Look! There's Rick Springfield! Tom: And Mr. T.! Crow: McLean Stevenson's chatting with Bo Derek! Mike: Enough, guys. >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 2 Crow: OK, the index should be here. Look for the comics and the weather. Mike: That's a newspaper, Crow. Crow: What, no Fox Trot? Chya! Typical. > > > >SCENE 1: Sigma Vulcanus -- a new, evolving world, that is con~ > stantly being shook by violent earthquakes and volcanic > eruptions, Tom: But even THEY have ISDN access now. > and which is devoid of sentient life-forms. > All: Hey! Tom: Spock, Sarek, and T'Pau are going to be really unhappy about that comment. > > On the molten, volcanic world of Sigma Vulcanus, Anakin >Skywalker, a handsome, swarthy man with a dignified stature, Crow: Ricardo Montalban! >makes an important discovery. Mike: [Anakin, panicked] My Baywatch beach shoes aren't fireproof! Owie! Owie! Hothothot! > Using his lightsabre (as the >equivalent of a divining rod), Tom: [announcer voice] It slices, it dices, it finds underground water! Mike: Is there anything a lightsaber can't do? Crow: Yep. It can't make "Full House" watchble. > he uncovers the legendary Kaiburr >Crystal. Crow: So, the quest object is just lyin' around, buried like a bottle cap for any dope with a metal detector to find it! Mike: [feeling gypped] Not even a riddle game. A quest object without a riddle game's just not even worth the bother! > It pulsates with energy and fills Skywalker with a false >sense of power and importance. Tom: And luscious French pastry cream! > But before he can savor his tri- >umph, Crow: Mmm... triumph. > and return the Crystal to Palpatine, he is confronted by >his old friend, and fellow Jedi Knight, Mike: Ed Asner, as Obi's gruff but lovable uncle, Lou Kenobi! > Obi-Wan Kenobi and re- >quested to explain his actions. Tom: [Anakin] Well, you remember when we were sent to find the super-duper Force-gem doohickey that looks like this thing in my hand here? > Anakin refuses, and instantly, >the two knights draw their lethal weapons Mike: Anakin's charcoal pencil technique is stunning--but Obi-Wan's magic markers fly just as fast! > and become locked in >mortal combat. > Tom: Joe Pesci *is* Kano in Mortal Kombat 3! Crow: Maybe he can kill Chris Rock. > Anakin Skywalker, as if controlled by another force, >strikes swiftly in rage; Mike: [Anakin, while fighting] You never put the CAP back on the SODA! > but Obi-Wan Kenobi, the more experienced >Jedi, easily deflects the furious blows of his young opponent. Crow: [Kenobi, same] Well at least I don't drink from the BOTTLE! Tom: [Kenobi] Your bullets cannot harm me! My wings are like a shield of steel! >"Let go of the Crystal, my friend! Its power will consume you >and turn you against the Jedi Knights," Kenobi explains. Mike: And it'll make your cheeks really puffy. Crow: Oh, and he never thinks that's what Anakin *wants* to happen? > But the >words are unheeded by the young Jedi, and the conflict continues. Tom: Wouldn't that be sorta implied? Mike: [Anakin] I will not heed your words. But it's nap time. Let's take five. > > > > Skywalker attacks Obi-Wan again, forcing him to discard >his defensive posture. Mike: Obi-Wan then took the offensive, blaming everything on the Republicans and violent TV. > Kenobi parries the thrust and sends Ana- >kin's lightsabre flying out of his hand. Tom: Planned release. The Parks Service is trying to reestablish lightsabres in the wild. > At precisely the same >moment, a cataclysmic earthquake rocks the planet. Crow: Coincidence? Or conspiracy? You decide! > The effect > > Tom: Whoa, Ben also knocked the story off the rail! It's careening off the page! > >September 6, 1983 Mike: A day that will live in infamy! >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 3 > Tom: Hey yeah, here's where we get to see the topless chick. Whooo! Mike: This is NOT a Rupert Murdoch Fleet Street story, mister. Tom: So... she'll be in a bra? Mike: Just read, Tom. > >is devastating: fissures, Crow: Eddie! Bobby! Carrie! > in the earth, crack open and shout >walls of flame; Mike: Those are some pretty noisy fissures! Tom: Eh, there's probably a bunch of rowdy teenagers with lavaboards ready to surf right past them. > thunder and lightning strike violently from >the sky; and several volcanoes burst and bubble. > Tom: The Republic's crack team of vulcanologists move into determine the extent of the damage. Crow: This is all happening because somewhere in a parallel universe, someone questioned an order from Marrissa Picard. > The young Jedi struggles to regain his lightsabre, but >loses his footing and plunges, Mike: [Anakin, falling] I MEANT TO DO THAAAAAT! > still in possession of the Crys- >tal, into a pit of molten lava. > Tom: Fortunately, it was only mild molten lava, and not the spicy kind. Crow: He'll be fine, just with a tomato-ey flavor. >Kenobi hurries to the edge of the volcano and looks >down; Mike: Oh yeah. Looking. That's what helps magma-induced dermabrasion. Crow: [Obi, wincing] Oo, that's gonna leave a mark. Yowch. > but he is too late to save his former friend: Tom: Oh, so Anakin gets a little heat distress, and suddenly Obi-Wan can't be friends any more? What devotion! > Skywalker >is completely engulfed in lava. Tom: The only soap made with real pumice, for cleanliness you can see and feel! Mike: One of the few instances where it IS too late for Caltrate. > With tears in his eyes and >anguish in his heart', Crow: Not to mention congestion in his sinuses. > Obi-Wan picks up Anakin's lightsabre and >bids a sad farewell to the body of his friend. > Mike: [Kenobi] I'm gonna miss that handsome, swarthy man with a dignified stature. Wonder what he did with Anakin? Tom: [Kenobi] Hey, I bet this sabre could cut through a tin can, and *still* slice a tomato! >CUT TO: > Mike: The chase already. >SCENE ~: Jhantor -- Tom: Isaac Asimov's lawyers are on line three. > is "the bright center of the universe." Crow: Aside from Mos Vegas, of course. > Highly populated and technology-orientated, it is an > old world of many contrasts: Mike: It was the best of process shots, it was the worst of process shots. > the huge, domed capital, > with its elaborate space ports and transportation sys- > tems, stands adjacent to an ancient castle and temple. > Mike: The Republic *is* in trouble if its zoning laws are breaking down. > In another part of the galaxy, Tom: Oh, well I'm glad we established the scene so we could CUT AWAY IMMEDIATELY! Jeez! > on the capital world of >Jhantor, Crow: [confused] Wait- we went from Jhantor, to *another* planet named Jhantor? Mike: Well... maybe "Jhantor" is the intergalactic word for "Springfield". > Palpatine enters his senate chambers - followed closely >By a brash, young courtier named Prince Valarium - Tom: [warily] Haaa, he's kidding, right? Crow: [whispered] Mike, do something! I don't want to read an homage to the dull parts of "Spaceballs"! Mike: Well, maybe it won't be important. > and assumes >his place at the head of the conference table. Tom: [Palpatine] All right. Let's get this meeting started. First, Moff Bransen will discuss our progress towards ISB 9000 certification, then Admiral Jakti will detail our Hunt Down the Jedi Project, and then Senator Ryandi will discuss our annual charity drive. But first, where the hell are the crullers? > Valarium stands >next to him and whispers in his ear Crow: [Val, catty] Can you believe the Secretary of Commerce wore brown to a formal meeting? > as Palpatine's wizened eyes >travel around the table from man to man. > Mike: Flying eyes? Tom: Suddenly, we're in David Cronenberg's "Star Wars". > Through a terse discussion with his cabinet members and >personal guard, Palpatine reveals that he has bribed or black- >mailed most of the High Council members into voting for him as > > Mike: [tensely] -as... AS!... > >September 6, 1983 Tom: Hardly an impressive title, if you ask me. >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 4 > Crow: [secretary] Paging Four! Paging Doctor Quentin Four! > >President; but he is concerned with three senators who cannot be >swayed - Tars Courtney. Crow: What? An original name? Maybe there's something to this treatment after all. > Mon Mothma, and Bail Organa. Mike: Eh, don't worry about "Bail". He always pulls out at the last moment. > He further >explains that, once they have been eliminated, he intends to have >his troops take over the Spice and Mineral Mines Mike: Defended by the crack Herbert Lawyer Brigade. > and blockade the >commercial shipping lanes. > Mike: He also orders his u-boats to sink any vessels heading towards England. Crow: No, that's Wing Commander Episode 3. > Several of his personal guard nod their approval; Tom: [guard, nodding] Yeah! I like the spice mines! They got veins of tiny overpriced jars. Very impressive. > however- >two young officers stand and voice their disagreement. Mike: These two, Lieutenant Rosenkrantz and Commander Guildenstein, will soon be investigating the Jedi H'ml't in far off D'nmrk. > Lieutenant >Motti (bright, young and smartly-dressed) Tom: You know they're evil when they're snappy dressers. > and Commander Tarkin >(thin, hatchet-faced with dark eyes) report that Palpatine's mili- >tary force (which he has genetically engineered on the prison >planet) Mike: Which will never be mentioned before or again--but hey, it's something an evil guy would do, right? > are en route to the Spice Mines and Starports and that >they are ready to take command of the Starfleet; but they fear >the swift retribution of the Jedi Knights! > Crow: The Jedi Wedgie Control tricks were greatly feared in the Republic. > "I think I know the best way to deal with that rabble," >Palpatine announces, standing and walking over to his cabinet. Tom: [Palpatine] Gentlemen, have you ever heard of the Celene Dion/ Axl Rose Chistmas Album? >"It's time that I demonstrate my absolute power--" > Crow: It's time for the big musical number! > Taking a large, crystal globe from his cabinet, Mike: Is that an actual piece of furniture, or does he have a Minister of Carrying Large Crystal Globes? > Palpatine >strokes it with his long, well-manicured fingers, Tom: Addendum to previous theory. If their fingernails are short, then they're evil. > then traces the >longitude and latitude lines. Crow: Sectored crystal! For the anal retentive scryer! > The object begins to glow, and >(with ILM's help) conjures a series of images from the planet >Sigma Vulcanus. Mike: Somehow, I don't see "Fall of the Republic" getting nominated for the special effects Oscar. > These images combine and crystalize on the single >image of the dead Anakin Skywalker. > Tom: The first law of kids' films: "When in doubt, show a corpse!" >LAP DISSOLVE TO: > > Crow: [slyly] Oo, yeah, daddy LIKES his lap dissolve! Mike: [lecturing] Don't, don't. Don't! > >September 6, 1983 Tom: We join the cast of "Square Pegs" as they move towards the Donkey Kong machine... Mike: Knock it off. >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 5 > > >SCENE 3: Sigma Vulcanus > > Four shadowy figures - adorned only in dark, hooded >robes (which conceal their identity) Mike: If this turns into the first draft of "Eyes Wide Shut", there's going to be some serious hurting... > - approach the charred, >motionless body of Anakin Skywalker and lift him from his firey >grave. Tom: Hey, a coffee klatch of "Bring-Out-Your-Dead" guys. Mike: [Cleese] Here's one! Crow: [Idle] Ninepence! > Skywalker's flesh is torn and scabbed, his hair is >missing and clumped in disgusting patches. Mike: A quick comb-over should fix that nicely enough. > Deep scars trace >his face, and his body and limbs are without life. > Tom: But his heart will go on! Crow: And his neck's been burned in two. But it's mostly cosmetic damage! Mike: So how'd they get him out of the lava? Crow: Pot holders. BIIIIG pot holders. > They place him on the ground with great reverence Mike: [acolyte] Hm. Guess there's no harm taking a finger as a souvenir. Maybe pull out some hair for the wife. > and >begin to administer to his injuries in an attempt to bring him >back to life. Crow: Except for one guy, who was hallucinating and trying to get fired from his position as a paramedic. Mike: John Flynn's "Bringing Out the Dead." > One robed figure motions to the other: "Bring me >the herbs and remedies." Tom: And bring me some cole slaw too. I'm feeling a bit peckish. > He actually says nothing but is instantly >understood by the others. Crow: [acolyte] Um, sorry, I was listening. Could you not say that again? > A third figure sprinkles the body with >a powder, Tom: Rubbing salt in the wounds, huh? > while a fourth looks toward the stars and begins to >chant in a deep, rumbling voice. > All: [chanting] A little bit of Sandra in the Sun. A little bit of Mary all night long... > In a matter of moments, the lifeless body of Anakin Sky- >walker stirs, as we > CUT TO: > Mike: The high priest's office! Tom: [Anakin, angry] $20,000 for outpatient resurrection?! That's usury! >SCENE 4:Dagobabah(Introduced in Episode Five: Empire Strikes Bk) Crow: The Empire's attacking Burger King? Mike: They must be helping Taco Bell out. > Far across the galaxy, on the bog world of >Dagobah, Obi-Wan Kenobi walks through the dense fog and pauses, Crow: [Kenobi] Crap. I'll never remember where I parked. >unhappy and dejected because he has been forced by circumstances >to kill his friend. Mike: Plus, after "Trainspotting" he had become addicted to that trendy redrum heroin. Tom: Mike! No! > He turns to Yoda, his eight hundred year-old >teacher, Tom: [Yoda] When nine hundred years you reach, count as good you will not. > and says: "I have failed, Master Yoda." > Mike: [Kenobi] Might I please have a makeup exam? > > >September 6 1983 Mike: That's hardly a long time ago! Crow: Ancient history, for some fans. Mike: Oh, great. Now I feel old... >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 6 > > > Yoda gives him a contemptuous stare, then closes his >eyes: Tom: [Yoda, grumbling] Man, Friday if this weren't I'd... > "No good is it to teach you when vou have not yet learned >patience! Humility!" > Mike: [Kenobi] Well I killed him really slow, and didn't brag about it. > Obi-Wan shakes his head and offers an excuse as his re- >ply: Crow: [Kenobi] It's not my fault! Tom: [Yoda] Know not I where your delusions you get, laser-brain. > "But Anakin was my friend, Mike: [Kenobi] He and I were going to start a farm! And he was going to let me keep rabbits! > The Force was with him very >strongly, Crow: [Kenobi] Heck! That little hotshot flew his plane and saved the day! > and I thought that I could be as good a teacher as >you were with me," Tom: [Kenobi] And I was, consarn it. > He pauses and breathes a deep sigh: "I fear >my mistake may have terrible consequences for the galaxy!" > Mike: Recycled dialogue... Well, he's an environmentally friendly writer. > The Jedi Master points a crooked finger at him, "Most >important lesson have you learned! Now a great burden you carry." > Tom: [Yoda] Tonight, visited by three ghosts you will be! > Kenobi squeezes his tear-filled eyes shut and drops his >head in defeat. Crow: Seven more and we fill the duffel bag. > But Yoda is immediately at his side Tom: Just like Kwickie Koala! > to offer >comfort and to reveal that Anakin is not dead. Crow: [Yoda] Oh! Sleeping he just be. Lively he will be when Yoda returns from store of pets. You'll see! > He further explains >the incidents which have just taken place and foresees a deadly >conflict. > > The Jedi Knight is pale and silent for a long moment. Mike: Psst! Ewan! It's your line! >Then, slowly he too recognizes the entire awesome threat that >Palpatine has brought to the Old Republic. Crow: [Kenobi] The entire clan of Osmonds is traveling to Alderaan to sing Insane Clown Posse songs? They must be stopped! > He thinks of the lives >of his friends (Lady Arcadia Skywalker and Bail Organa) and >realizes that he must leave immediately for Jhantor, > Mike: After all, he's sure to find better friends there. > CUT TO: > > > > >September 6, 1983 >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 7 > > >SCENE 5: Bridge Interior -- a small, saucer-shaped freighter, > with cramped quarters and a cockpit-like bridge. > Tom: Gee, I can only imagine what we'll see in the movie. Mike: Leslie Nielsen and Robbie the Robot are here to clean house! Crow: You know, this sounds vaguely familiar somehow... > On the starship bridge, Captain Antilies - a rugged, >mustached thirty-year old Tom: Rollie Fingers! > - makes final calculations for his >approach to Jhantor Crow: [Antilles] OK, so I declare the Jamaican rum, but NOT the $10 beach towels from Belize... > when two tractor beams lock-on and bring >his vessel to a halt. Mike: His only mistake? The humorous "My Other Starship Also Has A Secret Hold For Smuggling Rebel Leaders" bumper sticker. > His short-range scanners reveal two >sentry fighters, swooping into a holding pattern on his port >and starboard sides. Tom: So, his short range scanners are his eyes, basically. > The sentry pilots order him to heave to Mike: [queasy] Already doing it! BLAUGH! >and prepare to be boarded. > >"No," he snarles in reply Tom: [Antilles] I'll be boarded, but in an inept, catch-as-catch-can manner! > - but quickly reconsiders, Mike: [Antilles] I mean yes! I mean no! Yes! No! >when his protocol droid (C3PO) Crow: The gold-plated Oliver Hardy. > and his ten-year old, Correllian >cabin boy remind him that he is out-gunned. Mike: Hmmm. Ten years plus twenty... Crow: Naah, he wouldn't have given up without a fight. > Antilles brings his >ship about, Tom: o/~ Alfie! o/~ > and, in moments, despite his objections, a handful >of Palpatine's troops board the freighter and confiscate his >cargo. > Tom: [trooper] We'll keep these action figures from losing their mint condition value at the hands of the galaxy's children. Crow: [Antilles] You evil scum! > Captain Antilles curses the officer in charge, Mike: [Antilles] May your offspring wear white after Labor Day! > and ex- >plains the incident is far from over, as we > > DISSOLVE TO: > Crow: -make Lipton's Cup-o-Soup. >SCENE 6: Jhantor > > When the tragic news of Tars Courtney's assassination Tom: The other members of Hole got sick of her ego. Mike: So much for the guy with the original name... Crow: Tars Courtney, we hardly knew ye! >reaches her embassy chambers, Lady Arcadia Skywalker is shocked Tom: [Lady] There's gambling in this establishment! Mike: [coupier] Your winnings, madam. >and hastily gathers her servants and droids to leave for her >homeworld. Tom: Someone was murdered? Quick! Flee the planet! > She is a beautiful matron, who is in the last stages >of pregnancy, Crow: Oh, no! Waddle she do? [snickers] Mike: She's positively aglow! Or is that the reflection of the mortar fire through the window? > and she is fearful for her unborn child (or children). > > Tom: Maybe she shouldn't have been chugging Thalidomide before she left then. > > >September 6, 1983 Crow: Hey, this film's moving fast! It's all happening on one day. >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 8 > Crow: Mike, do we get hardship pay for riffing headers? Mike: We don't get pay for riffing anything. Crow: Oh. Just checking. > >For the last several weeks, she has watched the order of Jhantor >deteriorate into anarchy under the rule of Palmarine, Crow: Who would have thought that instituting a free buffet would have lead to anarchy? > and she >has made plans to escape, by smuggling her household aboard a >spice freighter. > Mike: Well, that's what you get for using Priceline. > But in the docking bay, Lady Arcadia and her party Crow: -began to regret holding her prom in the docking bay. > are >suddenly surrounded by a heavily-armed detachment of troops, Tom: AHHHH!!! Mike: What? Crow: He's having flashbacks to *the incident*, Mike. Tom: [sobbing] He said I belonged to his cousin! His cousin! [sobs] >activating their weapons and raising them to firing position. Crow: And Operation Turkey Shoot is set to begin! >She turns to the officer in charge and demands to know what's >going on; Mike: [Lady] Brother, brother! There's far too many of you dying! > but he doesn't know - he is simply following orders. Crow: Quick thinking, Lieutenant Waldheim! You'll go far in this world! >She resists his authority, claiming diplomatic immunity; but >quickly reconsiders when the voice of evil echoes through the >bay: Mike: It's Richard Simmons! Crow: All right, ladies! Let's get our booties shaking! One, and a two... > > "You mustn't be so hasty, Lady Skywalker!" Tom: Snidely Whiplash! > President >Palpatine emerges from the shadows, accompanied by Prince Val- >arium Tom: [Valarium, sniveling] I like the way you emerged from the shadows there, your evilness. > and explains that Arcadia, her servants, her droids, and >her pilot Mike: But not her personal trainer... and therein lies the plot! > are being placed under his protective custody. > Mike: Her dietician was given a stern warning and released on his own recognizance. > CUT TO: > Crow: Ribbons? >! Mike: Well, I guess we're a bit surprised too. > >SCENE 7: Sigma Vulcanus -- Mike: The happiest place on earth! > The Monastic Order of the Sith - > a spartan-like retreat, high atop a mountain ridge. > Crow: It's hard to get to, but the land's really cheap. But they've got a T-1 line up there, so it's not too bad. > Through a montage of scenes, wherein Anakin Skywalker re- >mains in a coma, Mike: Wasn't he stirring before? Tom: Maybe it's one of those really light comas you can interrupt with a car alarm. > the silent, robed figures minister to his in- >juries. Their task is an awesome one: Mike: They must develop a really tasty soft batch oatmeal cookie before the next full moon. > First, in a most sophis- >ticated furnace, Crow: It'll only burn Mahler symphonies and Harold Pinter plays. > they forge battle armour and a metal breath-screen Tom: To prevent that nasty metal breath you get after chewing tin. Mike: Wait- they forged a *screen* in a *furnace?* Crow: Took forever to burn all the tiny holes out. > > > > September 6, 1983 Tom: [old fogey, chuckling] But now I'm really dating myself. > FALL OF THE REPUBLIC > Page 9 > > >skull-like in appearance) Crow: Wow! That's one scary page! > that will cover his demolished visage. Crow: Why stop there, when they can conceal his demolished visage with sturdy, carefree aluminum siding! >Next, they amputate his arms and limbs that no longer function, Tom: You know, this is where I really feel for him. Crow: [Sniff] Me too. Mike: Now he can give a stump speech. [waves] You've been a great audience! Good night! >repair vital organs and encase the torso - forever - in the >dreaded armour and artificial respirator. Tom: Now to glue a party favor in the mouth, for that touch of whimsy that says, "I may be evil, but I'm still me, dammit!" > Finally, they restore >the severed limbs with intricate computer circuitry Mike: Hm. I personally would've used sutures, but I assume they know what they're doing. Crow: He may not be able to lift his lightsabre--but he sure plays a mean Pac-Man! > and revive >him from his comatose state. Tom: [Vader, sniffing] Is that bacon I smell? And toasted onion bagels? > Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader, >more machine than man! > Tom: Says so right on the label--"Machine, fifty-one percent; man, forty-nine percent." Mike: With parts made in Japan, he is the modern man. > Following his repairs, Mike: The robed figures wash and wax Vader's armour. > the monk-like figures (still hidden >under their hooded robes) begin to instruct Vader in a dark, evil >parody of Luke's apprenticeship under Yoda. Tom: See, I generally avoid doing parodies of things that haven't happened yet. Crow: Yeah, it just goes over the audience's head. [The bots pause, then turn and stare at the back of the theater for a second, before returning to watch the screen.] > Darth Vader is taught >many sorceror's skills; Mike: And he immediately goes on tour with Penn and Teller. Crow: I think this is the course that includes the big all-powerful spell that can be reflected right back at him by a mirror! > he is lectured on the sinister machinations >of the Force Crow: [scared] Oh, no, they're showing him how to make Frappucinos! > and is shown how to construct an even more lethal >sabre using fragments of the shattered Kaiburr Crystal. Crow: His friends wanted Darth to just buy a really big gun, but no. Darth had to be an artiste and build a sabre. > But with >each new challenge and skill accomplished, Vader is doubtful of >purpose. Tom: [Vader] o/~ Duuust in the wind! All we are is dust in the- o/~ > He knows he is being trained as a power weapon Mike: The next step up from a power tool, of course. > - and >yet, he cannot conceive why. > Crow: [Vader, dumb] My think box hurts. I want pudding! Tom: So they stuffed a canned ham in a suit of armor, and named it Vader! That's what I'm getting from this. > Angered by this confusion, and the fear that his humanity >(and manhood) has been stripped away, Mike: In a PG movie? They're really pushing that rating. Crow: I always wondered what he did when nature called. > Darth Vader strikes out in >rage at one of his hooded teachers only to discover an empty robe. Mike: Poor Vader. His opponents are always leaving their clothes behind. Tom: Turns out his teacher was his imaginary childhood friend, Mr. Hottentot. >He is momentarily terror-stricken and then mystified as, Crow: The phone rings? The kettle boils? What? > one by >one, the hooded figures vanish - in a strangely, compelling way - Tom: Stripping sensually down to their bare- Mike: Let's not go there, please. >to reveal a 3-D holographic image of Palpatine. > Tom: The Sith seem to have made a stop at Spencer's Gifts. > "Yes. Yes." Palpatine taunts him, "Only now do you conceive >that it was my force of will that saved you Crow: [Palpatine] Hey! Look at me when my disembodied form is talking to you! > - that kept you alive >- and that gave you life again!" > Mike: [Palpatine, softer and quickly] -after letting you die a horrible disfiguring death. But anyway! > > >September 6, 1983 >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 10 > > > Darth Vader extends a courtly bow to Palpatine Mike: [Palpatine] Ick! You know how weird it feels when your head passes through me like that? Back up a few! > and thanks >him for his life. Crow: Soon after, a lovely FTD bouquet arrived at the Emperor's door. > But Palpatine is not interested in gratitude. Tom: He wants Hummels. Particularly the Snow Babies. >He is in need of a powerful weanon [All giggle and titter. Crow shakes his head.] Crow: Was that weapon or woman? Tom: Oh, aren't we all in need of a powerful wean-on every now and again? Mike: Stop. > and an obedient servant, Crow: Oh, it's THAT kind of a wean-on! Mike: Guys? Can we tone it down a bit? Tom: Tone down a wean-on joke? > and >he reminds the former Jedi that he has the power to crush him >should he desire. Tom: [Palpatine] My wean-on is bigger than your wean-on! > He then forces Vader to his knees and com- >mands: Crow: Should we be seeing this? Tom: [Palpatine] Wean on me! When you're not strong! And I'll be your friend! Mike: [shudders] This scene puts the terror in terrible. > "Now come to me, my servant. I have an important task >that will complete your training!" > Mike: [Palpatine] I'm looking for a nice used car, preferably a late model SUV. In a blue. Tom: [Palpatine] Now, quickly! To the Wean-on-mobile! Mike: Enough. > >CUT TO: > >SCENE 8: Jhantor -- Docking-bay and City Exteriors > > Obi-Wan Kenobi's approach and arrival on Jhantor is un- >detected by the planetary defenses. Crow: He had cunningly disguised his ship as a Domino's delivery car. > Marshalling his Jedi strength >and cunning, Tom: -he trips and cuts his leg on his light sabre. > he is able to slip past the sentries in the docking- >bay, Tom: Obi-Wan cunningly shouted "Hey! Look over there!" and snuck past while the sentries looked in wonder. > edge by the troops patrolling the perimeter and reach the home >of Lady Skywalker. Mike: The rebel ambassador's wife has a charming walk-up brownstone. > But when he reaches the embassy, the huge >chambers are silent and empty - Tom: Hey, it's MC Hammer's house! Neat! > and there are no apparent clues >as to the Lady's whereabouts. > Mike: But Kenobi knew how to find her. All he had to do was follow the sounds of Bacchanal debauchery, and he'd find Lady Skywalker right in its midst. > Then, out of the darkness, Captain Antilles appears and >confirms what Kenobi already suspects: Mike: [Antilles] I checked. They're not using Folger's Choice. > The Lady and her _party >have been detained as "guests" of Palpatine in the prison cell >block. Tom: Horribly, they're required to provide their own towels. Crow: o/~ The warden threw her party in the county jail! o/~ > After introducing himself (as Captain of a Correllian >freighter), Mike: The fiend! He told the complete truth! Crow: Oh yes, the future of the universe is at stake, but please! Exchange business cards and network! > Antilles explains that he came to her embassy, seeking >the help of the Merchanter's Guild (because of the piracy of his >goods), [All snicker.] Mike: The Captain's a little possessive there. > and discovered an R2 unit (Artoo Detoo) that had slipped >away during her capture, cowering in the shadows. Tom: Shiny white beeping robots are tailor-made for shadow skulking! > He further re- >veals that the R2 unit has monitored her termination notice! > Mike: Is monitoring termination notices Artoo's hobby or something? Crow: He's a nutcase, Mike. Tom: Oh, the stories we could tell you from last year's Robocon... > > > September 6, 1983 > FALL OF THE REPUBLIC > Page 11 > Tom: Hey, sailor! *Heading* my way? Heh, because it's so- [starts crying] kill me Mike. Mike: No. Tom: It's the only way I'll stop. Mike: Tough. > > Realizing that he has little time, Obi-Wan enlists the >pilot's aide; Crow: Then sends Antilles off to blubber in a corner. > and the two men, accompanied by the stubby, me- >chanical droid, hurry toward the cell-block. > Mike: So, they run ten feet, they wait for R2. They run ten feet, they wait for R2. Crow: [Kenobi] Why did we bring him again? Tom: [Antilles] More targets. Spreads the gunfire. > CUT TO: > >SCENE 9: Jhantor -- Palpatine's Senate Chambers > Crow: Two-fisted cloture vote action! > Palpatine orders his guards to bring the captured slaver >to his senate chambers. Mike: [Palpatine] Let's see how he stands up under the red hot intensity of my motion to table further debate on amending the transportation budget! > While pacing back and forth, Crow: He noticed a really annoying stain on the rug. > he examines >the individual who stands before him in chains and shrewdly con- >siders his fate: Crow: [sighs, shakes head] All those clauses, to no effect. > Boba Fett, the lone survivor of a group of com- >mados the Jedi defeated on Mandalore during the Clone Wars, Tom: Would a "Clone Ranger" pun be passé here? Mike: Probably, yeah. > is >charged with interstellar slavery and the cold-blooded murder of >the Jedi Kane Starkiller (Refer to Star Wars: Episode II). Crow: That'll be out in, what, 2015? > Fett's >battle-scared face snears Mike: He actually takes his helmet off? Tom: Flynn has to push the envelope *somewhere,* you know. > at the charges, defending his actions >as "righteous vengeance." > Crow: Wow! He even got a line too! > The evil President stares malevolently at Boba Fett for >several moments, then offers him his freedom (and his confiscated >slavership) in exchange for the extermination of the Jedi Knights. Crow: And for what's behind curtain number one! Mike: [Fett] Sorry. Not good enough. Tom: [Palpatine] Alright. I'll throw in a pair of season tickets for the Cleveland Indians. Mike: [Fett] Now you're talking! >He also promises him a rich bounty for each Jedi scalp that he >brings back; Tom: OK, now how would Palpatine distinguish Jedi scalps from those of, say, hydroponic farmers? > he wants proof of their deaths - and no disintegra- >tions. Crow: So, in conclusion, kill them, but leave them basically intact. > Fett grins Tom: [Fett] Call me Boba! > and replies that he may have difficulty in >locating them since they are scattered throughout the galaxy. Mike: The universe is just a large Jedi Blizzard drink. > But >Palpatine reassures him that the task should be an easy one with >the President's secret weapon. > Mike: Ovaltine! >Boba Fett dubiously agrees, as his chains are unlocked and >he is escorted from the chambers. > Crow: [guard] C'mon. I'll show you where da boss keeps da trampoline. > > > > September 6, 1983 > FALL OF THE REPUBLIC > Page 12 > Tom: You know, if I were doing my Paul Harvey impression, I'd be saying that page number out loud! Mike: Really? Tom: Yeah! > > As the slaver exits, Prince Valarium Crow: Fresh from the aquarium, on his way to the sanitarium. > - accompanied by a >few personal guards - announces the arrival of Darth Vader. Crow: He announces this in a 15 minute song and dance routine. Tom: Lucas likes those goofy dance numbers. >Palpatine, in a quiet whisper, advises Valarium to Mike: Have an enema, barium! > - personally > - supervise Lady Arcadia's execution, Tom: You are now Assistant Expiration Facilitator, First Class. > then requests that Vader >be shown in. > Crow: [Palpatine] Oh, and show him how to use a doorknob. Note to myself: stop resurrecting the thick! > As the guards stand aside, Darth Vader, tall and threat- >ening in flowing black robes and armour, Mike: And a *lovely* pink feather boa! > enters the chamber and >kneels before his master. Crow: That would be the guy that installed his rust-proof undercoating. > Palpatine smiles, looking at his >nightmare creation in black, Mike: Dennis Rodman? [stops] I can't believe I just said that. > and commands him to hunt down and >destroy the Jedi Knights. Tom: But Jedi Knights eat many common garden pests! > Vader is hesitant and requests per- >mission to visit his wife. Crow: [Vader] I know snuggling's going to be hard, honey--but hey, I'm deliciously evil! > But Palpatine refuses, telling his >servant a vicious lie Tom: Oh, so Kitty Kelly gets a royalty! > that she has been murdered by his comrades >and produces his crystal globe as evidence. > Mike: So, the last three movies gave the toy stores of the world landspeeders, dewbacks, X-wing fighters, tauntauns, AT-ATs, twin pod cloud cars, speeder bikes, and plush Ewoks. This offers... plastic balls. > Seemingly unmoved, Vader' turns to look at a series of >images Palpatine conjures (from the globe). Crow: [Vader] I see a duckie... and a horsie... my kitten, Princess Jub-jub. Ooooo! Bunnies! > The images re-create >- in holographic form - the treacherous betrayal and murder of >Lady Arcadia by two of Vader's fellow knights. Tom: So in the future, there's a cable channel dedicated to Medieval Times theme restaurants. > (Note: since the >images are too brutal for our saga, Mike: Well, in 1983, sure. But now? Hey, you can disembowel people in what two or three Saturday Morning Cartoons still exist. > tight point-of-view camera >angles should convey the details.) Tom: Well, now he's just getting all artsy on us. Crow: Yeah, like George Lucas would DARE to censor John Flynn's graphic but uncompromising artistic generalities! > When the last image vanishes, >the Dark Lord, fooled by the false images, Mike: Granted, Vader keeps calling those psychic hotlines too... > stands, ignites his >lightsabre Tom: Jedi Jimi Hendrix! > and strikes the crystal globe with monumental anger. >And this rage completes Vader's journey to the dark side. > Crow: You just have to attack merchandising to become a force of pure evil? I guess overconfidence *was* the Emperor's weakness! > LAP DISSOLVE TO: > >SCENE 10: Jhantor -- Cell-Block > > > > September 6, 1983 > FALL OF THE REPUBLIC > Page 13 All: [startled] YAH! Crow: [terrified] The header moved! It's alive, I tell you! ALIIIIVE! > > Meanwhile, deed in the cell-block dungeons, Mike: That's not a very safe place for your deed. Tom: Yeah, get a strongbox at least. > Obi-Wan >Kenobi and Captain Antilles over-power a pair of detention >guards and open Lady Arcadia's cell. Mike: I'm surprised they didn't take their young cabin boy with them. You know--to give him practice in communicating under stress. > Overjoyed to find her >still alive, Obi-Wan embraces Arcadia warmly, Tom: [slyly] Mm, hot rebels in imperial dungeons. Oh yeah. Mike: Tom, ick! Stop! She's pregnant! Crow: Well actually, Mike, many cultures find the fertility of pregnancy to be highly- Mike: [covers his ears] o/~ HEY NOW! I'M AN ALL-STAR! LALALA, LA! I'm not listening! o/~ Tom: Wuss. > then senses the >pains of her motherly contractions. Crow: Obi, she's clamping down on your wrist screaming for an epidural! I think we can give the Force a rest here! > Antilles interrupts their >embrace Mike: [Antilles] Okay, nobody gets hugs unless I'm gettin' hugged too! > and reminds them to save their hellos until they're >safely out of the cell-block. Crow: [Kenobi] Please, can you save your reminders about saving our hellos until we're out of the cell block for when we're out of the cell block? > But, as they leave the cell, >Prince Valarium Tom: [shocked] He brought his terrarium! > and his person guards appear and draw their >weapons. Tom: The risk of the heroes getting paper cuts will keep the audience on the edge of their seats! > Antilles exchanges fire with the guards, Mike: [dully] Bang. Crow: [same] Bang. Mike: Bang. Crow: Grimace. Slump. Thud. > and Obi-Wan >and Arcadia hurry off into the dungeon maze, followed closely >by the Correllian pilot. > Tom: The Corellian pilot has to escape. Otherwise who'll make the graphics software? Mike: Yes, every Lucas movie needs at least one inept, tag-along character. > Retreating down a linking corridor, past the cell-block >armory, Tom: And he got all this from notes and hints? Crow: Of course! You're not implying he made it up, are ya? > the two heroes - with their pregnant fugitive Mike: And is Harrison Ford ever gonna have words with HIS agent after this! > - decide to >stand firm and fight. Captain Antilles charges his weapon Mike: Those Super-Soakers can be tough to pump up, huh? > and >blasts away at the detention guards, while the Jedi Knight con- >centrates all his thoughts and feeling on detonating the arsenal >and sealing the dungeon exit. Tom: Lady Arcadia prepares to gross the enemy out by showing them her placenta. > But, in the midst of his efforts, >Kenobi's heightened senses feel his former friend's rage. Crow: [Kenobi] Shoot. He must have realized that I've been protecting Ashley Judd during her murder spree. > The rage, >in turn, betrays Vader's thoughts and President Palpatine's sinis- >ter mission (to Obi-Wan). > Crow: Whoops! Mike: That's what you get for using that cheap Wal-Mart mind-shielding. Tom: And here I was hoping the young Mike Douglas would reveal the fiendish plot. > "Whatever you're doing - do it faster!" Antilles shouts, Mike: Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard- [sees bots staring at him] what? >snapping the Jedi out of his daze. Kenobi immediately refocuses >his energy and, Mike: By remodulating the phase variance of his... Tom: No. > in a matter of moments, Crow: He completely forgot what he was doing. > the armory explodes, iso- >lating the guards from them. However, the noise and excitement >are too much for the Lady Skywalker Tom: And the baby didn't help matters either! > as she doubles over in pain. > Crow: Actually, Flynn has the 90's spirit for action movies down pat. Mike: Spotty action peppered by weak story and expensive special effects? Crow: Yup. Tom: Speaking of spirits, let's let ours free for a while. [The trio stand up and file out of the theater.] [1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ] [The Bridge] [Tom and Crow stand behind the command console, reading a magazine.] Tom: Wow! Look at this. A "Queen Amidala Futon." Only $299.99! Crow: A "Darth Maul Deluxe Toothcare System." Tom: I wish I knew who the heck these people were. Crow: Me too. Ah, well. We'll find out soon enough. Tom: Say. What's a "Jar-Jar Binks?" Crow: Beats me. Ooh! But he's got an inflatable water toy! Tom: Cool! [Mike enters, grinning wildly.] Crow: Hey, Mike. Wanna take a look at this catalog we got? Crow: It's full of Episode I stuff... Mike: Forget that. I've got something even better. Tom: Really? What? Mike: I've come up with a way to force Pearl to let us down from here. Crow: [skeptically] Uh-huh. Tom: Oh, this outta be good. Okay, Mike. What have you got for us? Mike: I was inspired by today's story. The nanites can create practically anything, right? [Cambot pans in for a tight closeup of Mike's face. The lights dim, and Mike's face is illuminated from underneath. Dramatic music begins to play in the background.] Mike: You see, I asked the nanites to create a weapon for me. A weapon that will make this satellite the ultimate power in the universe. I have asked the nanites to build us... [Dramatic musical sting] ... A Death Star! [The music stops, the lights return to normal and Cambot pans out to the normal view of the Bridge. The bots stare at Mike for a moment, then burst into laughter.] Crow: What's the matter, Mike? You couldn't destroy enough worlds by yourself? Tom: [snicker] Maybe he's trying to start a chapter of "The United Brotherhood of World Destroyers." Mike: Yeah, laugh all you want to. But when we get out of here, you'll be thanking me. Cambot! Open the hexfield! Nanites! Show us. . . the Death Star! [Cambot pans to the opening hexfield, which shows us. . . nothing. Merely a field of stars. Cambot switches back to show the cast.] Crow: Mike? It doesn't seem to be there. Tom: Maybe the nanites lost it. Mike: Oh, come on. How can you lose something that's the size of a moon? Crow: Maybe there's a really big couch somewhere. Mike: Never mind. I'll just ask. [Mike reaches up and pulls down the nanite "periscope." He then peers into the scope.] Mike: Hey guys? [The Nanite World] Ned: Yep? [Bridge] Mike: Um, guys? Where's the Death Star that I ordered? [The Nanite World] Ned: Sittin_right_behind_you. [Bridge] Mike: What? [Cambot pans back to reveal a grey, tennis-ball sized sphere floating behind Mike.] Mike: AH! What is *this*? Crow: [snicker] It looks like it shrunk in the wash. Tom: Try super-sizing it next time. [snicker] Mike: Grr... I'll deal with you two in a minute. [Mike grabs the scope and peers in it again.] Mike: Nanites? What's the deal? [The Nanite World] Ned: Whadda_mean? You_asked_for_a_Death_Star. We_gaveya _one. [Bridge] Mike: But it's...? Crow: Rather compact? Mike: Thank you. [The Nanite World] Ned: So? It_can_blow_up_regular_sized_worlds. Not_your _jumbo_sized_ones. [Bridge] Mike: Well, can you take it back and give us the jumbo size one then? [The Nanite World] Ned: Wish_we_could. Can't_though. [Bridge] Mike: Why not? I have the receipt. [A tinny voice emanates from the Mini-Death Star.] MDS: Attention! We, the Nanites' Resistance Front, have seized control of this station! Bow before us! [The Nanite World] Ned: That's_why. Sorry. Outta_our_hands. See_ya. [The Bridge] Mike: What? But, your return policy... [Cambot pans back to reveal Crow and Tom studying a document.] Crow: Ned's right, Mike. Tom: It's right here on the paperwork. Mike: What? Where? Crow: Here. Look through this electron microscope. [Mike picks up an object that looks remarkably like a kaleidoscope and examines the paper while looking through it.] Mike: But they wrote this in the fine print! And it's nanite-sized fine print at that! Tom: Well, their nanite-sized lawyers will still eat you alive if you try to contest it. Mike: Blast. Well, there goes another bright idea. MDS: Surrender to us now! This station has become the ultimate power in the universe! Kneel before us, son... Mike: Oh, quiet. [Mike casually hits the Mini-Death Star with the back of his hand. Moments later, it explodes in an incandescent ball of flames.] Crow: There goes another one. Tom: How many is that for you now? Mike: What are you two talking about? Bots: Never mind. [The movie sign lights begin to flash.] Mike: Well, with my Death Star gone, I guess we've gotta watch the rest of this thing. We've got Movie Sign! [Mike casually slaps the lights and the door sequence begins.] [6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ] [The trio enters and sit.] Crow: It could be worse. Mike: How so? Tom: Pearl could have gotten her hands on that Death Star. Crow: Or worse, Bobo might have gotten a hold of it. Mike: Good point. > > > > September 6. 1983 > FALL OF THE REPUBLIC > Page 14 > > >The Correllian pilots fears she's been hurt by flying scrapnel - >but Kenobi says she's having a baby Crow: For a minute there, I was worried. Tom: Starring Elizabeth McGovern as Lady Arcadia. > and advises Antilles take >her to the safety of his freighter. Tom: Yes, go, take her to that big obvious thing the bad guys should've confiscated by now. > He further explains that he >must leave - in spite of his desire to help Arcadia - Mike: [Kenobi] If I stay here with you girl, things just couldn't be the same. > to warn his >fellow knights of Vader's treachery. > Mike: [Kenobi] Uh, yeah. I gotta run. Lots of Jedi stuff to do. You wouldn't understand. Good luck! Crow: Yes, go tell them of his fiendish plot to find the thing you were looking for, only to get killed by you and be mad about it! >CUT TO: > Tom: The quick? >SCENE 11: Jhantor -- Palpatine's Chambers > > Reporting to the President's chambers, Valarium reluc- >tantly tells of Lady Skywalker's escape. Mike: The dope tried to bury it between the minutes of the Quality Team meeting and plans for his secretary's retirement party. > Palpatine is angered >and quickly orders - over his private comlink - Mike: At least he's not entrusting it to IT&T. > a division of >troops to search the city. Crow: When six thousand white-armored soldiers start kicking down the doors of the local video store, it's gonna be hard to keep this a secret. > He then orders the arrest of Mon >Mothma and Bail Organa to prevent any further interference in >his plans. > Tom: [exasperated] Well why didn't you just kill 'em years ago, ya moron?! >Turning to Valarium, Palpatine's face darkens to an insane >fury. Tom: [Palpatine] You're the one who jammed the candy machine with that Costa Rican coin! > Blinding energy bolts shoot from his finger tips, and the >young Prince is struck down. Tom: Good night, sweet Prince! Mike: Flights of mynocks sing thee to thy rest. Crow: Wow, novelty joy buzzers kick ass in the future! Mike: Past. Crow: Huh? Mike: Remember, "long, long ago"? Crow: Oh. > "Don't fail me again!" Palpatine >warns, as Prince Valarium crawls, like a wounded animal, Tom: Specifically, a stoat with an ear infection. > to his >side and gasps, "Never..." > Mike: What, never? Tom: No, never. Crow: Well, hardly ever. >CUT TO: > Mike: The World Trade Center, where Ricardo Montablan is describing his evil plan... >SCENE 12: Jhantor Crow: Willow's disappointing sister. > -- Docking bay, interior of saucer-shaped > Correllian freighter > Tom: Escape vehicle courtesy of Ed Wood Rent-a-ship. Mike: Is he trying to hide plot points from his readers? Crow: Well, the very dull will have the movie remain unspoiled. > In the dank, dark hangar-bay, Obi-Wan Kenobi departs in >his starship, Tom: o/~ Headed for the skies! Singin' COME SAIL AWAY! COME SAIL AWAY! Come and SAIL AWAY with- o/~ > and Captain Antilles turns his attention to one of >his most difficult tasks. Mike: Oh, he's gotta switch the com ports on his modem. Crow: Sad. > With the nervous assistance of C3PO, Tom: Looks like that obstetrics expansion pack paid off after all. >he first comforts Lady Skywalker, Crow: [Antilles] Um... you don't look fat? You're... still every bit as beautiful as the day... whoever your husband is married you? > then helps deliver her children. Mike: I'm a protocol droid, not a doctor! Tom: He just signs the little slip the UPS guy left and hangs it outside the door. >The moment is a joyous, mystic one as Luke and Leia take their 1st > Mike: Christmas special? Tom: Residual checks? Crow: Tab of methamphetamines? > > > >September 6, 1983 >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 15 Mike: Ah. Their first header. Tom: It's a moment that'll live in cinematic history! > > >breath and begin crying. But that special sound of babies crying Mike: I can only guess that Flynn hasn't been awakened in the night by that special sound lately. Crow: Well, neither have you... unless you've been leading an elaborate double life! Mike: Crow, there are certain things you can learn by hearsay. >brings a detachment of troops down upon them!* > Tom: Jim Henson's Benedict Arnold Babies! > *Special Note: The troops should be costumed differently > from the stormtroopers Crow: John's bold play to bring Edith Head on board! > because they are part of Bail Organa's > personal guard - Mike: The rebel leader's guards are arresting her? Why? Tom: She made the mistake of giving birth without registering her DNA with the Census Bureau. > but the scene should cause a false moment of > suspense for Antilles, and the audience. > Mike: Unexplained confusing things are exciting! Whee! > LAP DISSOLVE TO: > >SCENE 13~ Jhantor -- Palpatine's Chambers > Crow: Scene 13 already? Boy, the story moves a lot faster when you don't care about any of the characters! > Still enraged from Valarium's carelessness, Palpatine plots >a unique political move Tom: [groaning] Great. He's going to try to be Jimmy Stewart in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington". > that will destroy Lady Arcadia's influence >with the Merchanter's Guild and further cement his power with com- >merce and industry. Mike: Try concrete and gravel. Much more effective. > He first frees a handful of pirates and bribes >them to raid the Spice Mines and Mineral Spings; Tom: A strike against bottled water! He's hitting the galaxy where it hurts. > he then orders >his personal troops to eliminate the pirates Crow: Don't the Pirates eliminate themselves by June, pretty much? > and guard - as well >as regulate - the shipping lanes. > Tom: But then, the Kilrathi show up and all hell breaks loose. Mike: [narrator] If you die of fright during the "guard the shipping lanes" scene, John Flynn will buy you a coffin! > But, in the midst of his political maneuvering, Palpatine >is struck down - paralyzed - for a few, fleeting moments. Tom: [disappointed] Oh, now the story'll come to a screeching halt! > When >he regains his composure, he is deeply disturbed by a nightmare >premonition, Crow: Dr. Laura will get her own television show! No! > a tremor in the Force which threatens his well being. Mike: [Palpatine] So I made some changes! Now I eat right, exercise- and take Geritol every day! >He senses Lady Arcadia's true strengthe - the birth of a son that >would one day challenge his power. Crow: Oh, so Arcadia's only good to have children? I can just see Portman muttering something in the interviews. > (But he fails - in his twisted >wickedness - to sense the second child!) > Mike: And he missed the "Congrats on the twins!" banner too. Crow: As well as the pink and blue cigars that Unkie Herb was handing out. Tom: Not to mention the shouts of "Hey! Did you hear about that new Skywalker kid? Whew! She'll look really hot in a metal bikini someday!" > Sending his special group of assassins into Jhantor, >Palpatine orders them to kill every new-born son - Tom: I suppose this means Charleton Heston will be showing up later in the film. Mike: And Yul Brynner too. Crow: [offended] This is sex discrimination! We're gonna sit here 'til he kills every little woman too! Tom: Calm down, Crow. The Evil Emperor Palpatine is just scamming his evil plots from the Penguin in "Batman Returns"! > both in the >capital city and the nearby outlands Mike: But lay off the suburbs. You don't wanna tick off the soccer moms. > - because, for the first >time in his life, he is afraid. Tom: o/~ I whistle a happy tune! And no one will suspect! I had-a-portending-vision-of-blood! o/~ > (The character should be played >much like Herod's in the New Testament.) > Mike: What a useful stage direction that is. Thank you, Flynn. > > > > >September 6, 1983 >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 16 > Tom: o/~ You read 16 tons, and whaddaya get? o/~ Crow: o/~ A pretty dull prequel with a scarred Boba Fett! o/~ > > This brutal action (of Palpatine's) Mike: [Flynn] Weren't you *listening?!* > spawns screams of >anguish and unrestrained weeping as the soldiers - unquestion- >ingly - carry out their violent task. Tom: Wow, Storm Troopers are a lot more sensitive than I expected. > (Note; the horror of the >events will be merely suggested - and not shown - to our cameras.) > Tom: Movies teach us how to deal with atrocities we can't see! Crow: This bites, Mike! How come we got to see Darth all burned up but we can't see the babykilling? Mike: Uh - I need to have a talk with you later. > IMMEDIATE CUT TO: > >SCENES 14 TO 18: Mike: Wow, five scenes all superimposed on each another! Tom: It's horribly confusing, so as not to stand out from the rest of the story. > Numerous Worlds -- Each distinct in their own way Tom: Never mind how--that's what ILM is for! > > Across the galaxy, in a terror-filled montage of scenes, >wherein we glimpse numerous worlds and races, the betrayal and >execution of the Jedi Knights is perpetrated. Crow: Meanwhile, Michael is at the Cathedral at a baptism... > Darth Vader and >a handful of Palpatine's assassins barge into an exotic saloon Mike: [shocked] An intergalactic fern bar! >and eliminate an alien-looking Jedi amidst screams and mass hys- >teria from the patrons. Tom: Boy, the INS is strict in the future! Crow: Past. Tom: Oh, right. Mike: Must be an upscale clientele. Nobody would bat an eyestalk in the Mos Eisley cantina. > > While this is happening, Boba Fett leads a group of storm- >troopers into a docking-bay Tom: [Fett, hushed, beckoning] C'mon! I found out where mom hid the Xmas presents this year! Shhhh! > and disintegrates the Knight mending >repairs on his starship. > Mike: What? Fett actually does something? Now I know this is just a fanfic. Crow: So, how many stages of grief are there when you don't know who the heck these people are? > And by the time Vader and his cohorts have slipped into >the quarters and strangled a sleeping Jedi, Tom: I can just see half a dozen people crowded around the bed and bumping into the end table. Mike: [Jedi] I sense a great disturbance in the GAAAAACK! > Boba Fett, accompanied >by several trained assassins, Crow: There's your answer, Mike--Fett's just along for the style. > chases down and executes a fleeing >Jedi and his family. Mike: Man, when did Jedi become so easy to kill? Even David Arquette could take out one! Crow: Why didn't the Force warn them all what was happening? Tom: Well... maybe Country 101.9 was interfering with the signal. > However, the abomination of Vader (as well >as Palpatine's sinister plan) Mike: Not to mention Tuesdays with Morrie! > is not complete until he destroys >the remaining Jedi Knights as they make a final stand. The battle >is fearsome, and the Jedi force manages to kill a large number of >troops; but they are vastly outnumbered, and soon, they are mass- >acred - to the last man - by Vader's troops. > Tom: But they do manage to cover the spread, so the Emperor loses his shirt on the side bets! > > >September 6, 1983 >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 17 > Tom: o/~ Oh, it's Page, seventeen! You know what I mean! o/~ > > > After dismissing Boba Fett and his troops, Darth Vader >looks over the battlefield, at the dead bodies, then takes a >deep breath and says, Crow: [Vader] Icky! A rat! > "Kenobi, I will deal with you myself..." > Tom: Can we at least do a call back to a better line? Crow: How about "Aw! I was heading down to Toschi Station to pick up some power converters." Tom: Or "How are you?" Mike: Or "They're dates. You eat 'em!" > Obi-Wan Kenobi hears Vader's world Crow: Vader's World--the wacky new sitcom, this fall! > - but he is too far >in space to offer him a challenge. Mike: He shouldn't have stopped for that pie and coffee. > He accelerates his starship, >thinking of his compatriots, and hurries to the planet. However, >arriving several hours too late, Kenobi is disheartened to find Tom: ...that, due to relativity, everyone on the planet has aged a hundred years. >the dead bodies of his fellow Jedi Knights. Tom: Uh-huh. So I guess the Imperial troops just don't like lingering after a victory, huh? Crow: Nope! Kill the Jedi, hit the showers, and warp to the nearest sports bar. > He unhappily builds >a funeral pyre and burns their bodies (in a ceremony befitting a >viking hero). > Mike: [sighs] Which attracts Vader's attention, he presses a button, and the planet explodes. > He then examines the broad, huge footprints in the sand, >and whispers Darth Vader's name. > Crow: It's the shoes, right? Money's got to be on the shoes. > CUT TO: > >SCENE 19: Jhantor -- The Alderaan Embassy -- Well-guarded, the > building is deceptive in its heavy fortification. > Tom: I for one can't get enough detail about things the audience can't see. Crow: You mean like, what the point of any of this is? > With very little military effort, a special detachment of >troops take Captain Antilles, Lady Skywalker and party Mike: -to a delightful bed-and-breakfast run by some local Sand People. > through >the defenses of the Alderaan Embassy and deliver them to a dark- >ened conference room. > Mike: Does it normally require a lot of military effort to move people through corridors? Tom: Rommel lost two divisions during "The Great Dusseldorf Corridor Move" back in '40. > Bail Organa, Viceroy and 1st Chairman of the Alderaan >System, enters the room and apologies to his guests for frighten- >ing them with his personal guard; Crow: [Bail] They're auditioning for parts in "Scream! The Musical!" and they're a bit too enthusiastic. > but he confesses that his cau- >tion is not without warrant: Tom: Oh, not that awful 80's hair band! > Jhantor was full of spies and assassins > Tom: They should have sprayed for them. > > >September 6, 1983 >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 18 > > >and the R2 unit (in her embassy) could have been a clever trap. Mike: Well... a trap, anyways. Tom: [Bail] And the coffee machine is a spy! Crow: [Arcadia] Yes, dear. >He further explains that his colleagues had put too much trust >in the stability of the Republic, failing to realize that >while the body might be sound, the head was growing diseased >and feeble, and they were all dead! Crow: Bail sorta bailed on that metaphor. Tom: To be fair, the Republic wouldn't run very well with deceased officials. > There is deep bitterness >in his voice, and genuine concern for Lady Arcadia. > Mike: [Bail] I'm bitter and concerned! > Antilles and Arcadia accept his apology and anxiously in- >sist upon diplomatic sanctuary. Tom: [Arcadia] I'm anxious and forgiving! Crow: [Antilles] I'm... aw crap, I don't think I'm anyone at all! Who the heck am I?! > But, as news of Palpatine's >takeover of the Merchanter's Guild and the galactic shipping >lanes reaches the Embassy, the outlook is grim! Tom: [Bail] Now I'm grim, but informed! Mike: The cash flow situation's critical, and stock prices are way down! > Organa curses >loudly, suddenly realizing that there was nothing he could do to >prevent the fall of the Republic Tom: Well, you could take your case to the people and inspire them to take arms against their oppressor. Mike: Nah, it's 11:30. I say surrender and take an early lunch. Crow: It's in the script! If it's part of Lucas' vision, it ain't going anywhere! > and guarantee their safety. >Pragmatically, he prays for their salvation Tom: Pragmatic prayer? What? Crow: o/~ Oh lord, won't you buy me, some sensible shoes? o/~ > by the Jedi Knights >(unaware of their extinction), then orders the immediate evacu- >ation of the Embassy. > Mike: Outside, throngs of Vietnamese citizens wait anxiously as the helicopters head towards the Embassy... >CUT TO: > > SCENE 20: Jhantor -- Palpatine's Chambers Tom: [hushed prayer] Oh please be another talky scene where nothing happens? > > With grim anticipation, Darth Vader, the Dark Lord of the >Sith, Crow: [grandly] Elder Conductor of Shiny Time Station... > kneels at his ruler's feet and reports his success. Mike: [Vader] I scored third row tickets for Yanni, dude! > Palpatine >is pleased that his servant has eliminated all but one of the Jedi >Knights and smiles - with evil delight - Mike: I guess it could have been with pleasant blandness. Tom: You'd know. Heehee. > at Valarium > and the other members of his cabinet. He then asks the fate > of Obi-Wan Kenobi. Crow: [Vader] He, um, took that camp counseling job, sir. He won't be bothering us again. > Vader is hesitant and replies that he and > Kenobi have a private matter to settle! Mike: [Palpatine] Oh, girl trouble, huh? Well, keep it outside, and try not to break my begonia sets. > But that answer is > not satisfactory enough. > Tom: [evilly] In fact, it's nearly UN-satisfactory! > > >September 6, 1983 >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 19 > Mike: Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nineteen! Nineteen! Tom: I wasn't really sure what was going on. I wasn't really sure what was going on. > > Palpatine pauses in his interrogation Crow: Did he even ask a question? > and boasts of his >ambitious plans (of galactic conquest) to Vader Mike: Parenthetical boasting! The downfall of many a vague man! Tom: [Palpatine] I'm just gonna cruise on over there and say, 'Hey, baby, wanna be in *my* Empire?' > and the others >that are assembled: Tom: Uh-huh. So he was boasting to the people who were THERE. Crow: I'm glad we interrupted the parenthetical boast to clear that up. > his fe traitorous lieutenants Mike: Together with his fie, foe, and fum traitorous lieutenants! Tom: No, I think it's his fay lieutenants. As in elf-like. > have betrayed >their superiors and taken control of the Starfleet; Tom: At least until that non-linear Sisko guy comes back to kick some linear patootie. > his troops >have successfully routed marauding pirates Crow: -through the main server. So you should be able to get your e-mail now. > and have begun to regu- >late commerce and industry along the shipping lanes; Tom: Robert Rubin's "Star Wars". Crow: Shipping lanes!! Tom: Don't try and pretend to be paying attention. > and his po- >litical arrangements with greedy landlords, sadistic gangsters, Mike: And Oprah! Crow: There's a difference? >and power-hungry governors have made his power absolute. He ex- >plains (that he has told them this to illustrate) Mike: I think we got that the first time around. Crow: Why is he Mojo Jojo all of a sudden? > that his control >is predicated on his personnel following order, Tom: [Mojo Jojo] You will obey the things that I command so as to do as you are told! > even at the cost >of their own lives! > Mike: [Mojo] Your dying will be a sacrifice to avenge the murder of your suicide! > Pausing a second time, Palpatine dismisses Valarium, Crow: I wouldn't marry'um. > and >orders him to report to the control center. The young prince >agrees and bows slightly, a gesture Palpatine acknowledges with >a perfunctory salute. Mike: [Palpatine] Right back atcha, man. Don't ever change. Catch ya at Spago's. Ciao. > Then he spins and strides from the room, >leaving the Dark Lord looking from man to man in confused silence. Tom: [Vader] Valarium? Obeying Palpatine's orders? Has the universe gone mad? >As Valarium steps into the corridor, he is grabbed and assassin- >ated by Palpatine's guards. > Mike: [Valarium, sarcastic] Oh, et tu, dickweed? Tom: So! The action in "Star Wars III" will be backstabbing, genocide, and child killing! And it's FUN! Crow: Yup, finally a motion picture the whole family can resent! > Darth Vader then nods his understanding as the evil Pres- >ident reminds: "The fate of those who fail me is death." > Tom: [Vader] Failure. Death. Got it. Crow: The fate of those who succeed? Death and a lovely fruit basket! > IMMEDIATE CUT TO: Tom: I'm glad it's an immediate cut. I hate when the camera just stands there for twenty minutes. Crow: Awkward. > >SCENE 21: Jhantor -- Docking-bay > Crow: [sighing] ANOTHER docking bay, John? Mike: The budget of "Star Wars III" must be like twenty-two bucks or something. Tom: All spent on catering. > In the docking-bay, the massive evacuation of the Alde- >raan Embassy is taking place under tight security. Crow: Yet somehow Jack Ruby is spotted carrying a hand gun and a picture of Bail Organa. Mike: o/~ We're leavin', ON an X-Wing! Don't know when- o/~ > The humming >of elevators and the moving of heavy equipment echo through the >large chamber Crow: Wow, it's so quiet. Everyone seems to be taking the infanticidal dictatorship right in stride. Tom: [Alderaanian] Evacuate our homeland and leave loved ones behind? Oh well, no biggie. I'll just stoically wait to board the plane. > as the bustling flight crews make ready their > > Tom: Suitcases with unpredictable wheels. > >September 6, 1983 >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 20 > >freighters and the pilots perform final checkouts. Mike: Landing gear? Tom: Check. Mike: Engines? Tom: Check. Mike: Emotional involvement? Tom: Reading zero. Mike: Roger that! We're good to go. > Bail Organa, >with the "help" of See Threepio, Crow: Comic relief gets no respect these days. Tom: Has it ever? > supervises his men loading >supplies and ammunition, while Artoo Detoo aids the Lady Arcadia >with her two infants. Captain Antilles is suspiciously nowhere >to be found. > Crow: Well Obi-Wan's not there. Why isn't THAT suspicious? Hmmm? Mike: He's off selling Alderaan U's play book to their arch rivals at Clak'dorr Tech. > Momentarily, the defensive sensors sound alarm Tom: [office worker] Aw, not another fire drill. This is so stupid. > - but they >are quickly silenced when the unknown danger is identified as >Obi-Wan Kenobi's approaching starship. Tom: That sentence could so easily have been replaced by 'Obi-Wan arrived'. Crow: So, the alarm goes off whenever something's *coming*. Mike: The same attributes that make car alarms such a beloved part of our everyday lives! > Once in the docking-bay, >Kenobi emerges from the craft and informs Bail Organa and his >anxious troops Tom: -that the company picnic was moving indoors, due to lack of oxygen. > that the Jedi Knights have all been destroyed by >the treachery of President Palpatine and the hand of Darth Vader. Tom: [Obi-Wan] Some of them died from tonsillitis. I told them to have them removed, but they didn't believe me! Damn them! Damn them all to hell!!! >A heart-felt murmur sweeps over the docking-bay, Mike: See, some people just pay lip service to incoherent mumbling, but the Alderaans really mean it! > like a swell in >a heavy sea. Tom: Yeaah! Ride that metaphor! > The last Jedi knight's second piece of news is even >more grim: Mike: They've green-lighted "Basic Instinct 2". It's a musical. > the Starfleet, under the command of Palpatine's forces, >have formed a perimeter blockade, Tom: [Bail] Damn. We were hoping they'd form a "let's not leave the hangars and just shoot'em nasty looks" blockade. No such luck! > and their purpose is to prevent >Organa from leaving and force him to surrender his ground troops. > Crow: Well they must not be very good troops if he ground'em up. Mike: No, ground troops. Not ground troops. Crow: So, ground troops. Mike: Right. > Bail Organa curses quietly to himself, Crow: Organa's a regular trash-compactor mouth. > recognizing the >futility of further conflict. Tom: George Lucas's "Star Collective Bargaining"! > The great leader Viceroy and >Senator of the Alderaan system Mike: Winner of the pan-galactic chili cook-off three years running- > - has fought many battles: he >has fought along side Kenobi and the other Jedi Knights during >the Clone Wars, Crow: When rampaging regiments of Dolly the sheep terrorized the galaxy. > and has helped to eliminate piracy and slavery Tom: But what have they done for us *lately*? >- with the crusading Lady Arcadia Mike: Crusading Lady Arcadia, and the Crusading Lady Arcadia Action Crime Lab! Crow: [quickly, softly] Comes as you see here. You put it together. By Marx. > - in the formation of the Mer- >chanter's Guild. Tom: Not that we get to see any of this in this movie. > But this time, he realizes that he is out- >matched! Tom: [dramatic] Organa can't compete with the power of little glass balls! > Organa acquires a comlink from one of his men and be- >gins to broadcast surrender orders to his troops. > Mike: Patrick Stewart, in a role he was born to play! Tom: First Kenobi can't push enough speed out of his ship to warn the Jedi. Now he's making Organa throw in the towel. Ewan's going to have some unpleasant words for the press... Mike: What about Kenneth Branagh? Crow: Now you're *really* living in the past. > > > >September 6, 1983 >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 21 > Crow: [Bugs Bunny] Can I stay on one card? > When suddenly, dozens of Merchanter's Guild members of >all species and life-forms, Tom: Wow! There's a skink, and a guinea fowl, and an okapi, and a protozoa, and... Mike: It's Noah's Apocalypse. > follow Captain Antilles into the >Docking-bay and assemble around Bail Organa. Mike: [Organa] Oh, wow! You can all surrender with me! > The group of >freighter pilots and navigators is an impressive one: There >are representatives from Mon Calamari, Tom: [giggling] What?! That's not a pilot, that's an Italian restaurant! > Bespin, Sullest, Correllia, >Mandalore, Kessel and Alderaan. Tom: And one from Madison. Mike: [as if from far away] Go Packers, woo... > Some are wearing fatigures, [All snicker.] Crow: Fatigures! New army wear from Veronica's Secret! Mike: Try it on *your* special units! Tom: It's anything but covert! > loaded >with weapons and tools, while others are adorned in their native >wear. > Tom: A few are dressed like French Maids. Crow: Those are the Dantooinian Elite Maid Squadron. They can someone's eye out with those feather dusters from almost half a parsec. > "Some of them still have their ships - and the others >will fly anything we can put in the air." Mike: Randy Quaid's going to be flying that biplane again. I just know it. > Antilles reports, and >the morale of Organa's men is revived again. Crow: [troops] All right! Pilots with no battle experience! We may be horribly killed yet! > "And if this action >makes us pirates and outlaws - in the eyes of Palpatine's new >empire - then we're with you one hundred percent!" > Mike: Unless it forces us to miss "Fraiser", of course. Tom: [sigh] I just can't get inspired by someone when I have no idea who they are. Crow: It's simple, Tom. Take the personality of Han Solo. What you've got left over, is this guy! > As the two groups of men (and aliens) hurry off, cheering >the success of their united departure, Mike: [dumb pilot] Hey, yeah, we left at the same time! Hurray for us! > Obi-Wan Kenobi approaches >the Lady Arcadia with his painful secret. Crow: [Kenobi] I admit it! I stole a suitcase full of money off my dead flatmate and had my other flatmates help me in concealing the crime! > He relunctantly admits >that his pride (in the Force) may have betrayed Anakin to Palpa- >tine and that the man she once loved was now a hideous monster, >more machine than man. Tom: Obi-Wan Kenobi--Mister Sympathy, 1983! Crow: Really. I fail to see how this is a problem. Mike: To recap: Vader! More machine than man! > She is, at first, taken aback, Crow: [Arcadia] So, is the man part covered under warranty? > chilled >by his statement; then, with tears in her eyes, she confesses >that she, too, felt him slipping away Tom: [Arcadia] He just wasn't the more machine than man I married! > - many months before - and >was unable to reach him either. > Crow: Not in time? Try star-six-nine. > > >September 6, 1983 >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 22 > > > Obi-Wan Kenobi and Lady Skywalker exchange a tender em- >Brace, Crow: Whoa-ho-ho! So *that* was Kenobi's little plan! Pause a little here, stall a little there, and then sweep the distraught Arcadia off her feet! > and recognizing the potential danger that they both >faced, Mike: What if Star Wars became Survivor? They could get voted off the movie! Crow: Huh? Mike: It's a Swedish thing. It probably won't ever show up in the US. > they arrange to separate the children with the hope that >they would be united one day as brother and sister. Tom: Unfortunately, the plan seems to have eventually slipped Ben's mind. Mike: [Luke] Rescue my *sister?* No way, Ben! > Kenobi will >take Luke to live with his brother Owen on Tatooine, while Ar- >cadia will arrange for Leia to live as daughter of Senator Or- >gana, on Alderaan. Crow: [snarky] Oh right, your brother and Bail Organa, the LAST people Vader would suspect! Shyah! Mike: How many times has this been explained to us now? > This way the children would have a better >chance of survival should one (or the other) be discovered by >Vader! > Mike: OK, should we all say "Huh?" together? Crow: [sigh] Let it go. I'm too bored to care at this point. > CUT TO: > >SCENE 22: Bridge Interior -- Flagship of the Starfleet* in the > Jhantor Sear System > Mike: Jhantor! Where Alderaan shops! > Darth Vader emerges from his private shuttle and strides >past a handful of troops in formation. Tom: [Vader] Hey Sal. Hey Rick. How's the little woman? > His presense is awesome >and threatening as he approaches the starship captain. Tom: I'm huge! > Commander >Tarkin bows from the neck down Mike: What is he--a contortionist? Crow: His head stays still, and his body folds up to meet it. > and advises his superior that they >were ready to annihilate anyone who attempts to run the blockade. Tom: [Tarkin] There were some power walkers we had to let through. I hope that's OK. >Tarkin is over confident in his appraisal of the situation, and >that reflects in his conversation with the Dark Lord. > Mike: Who, he noted in passing, was more machine than man. Crow: [Surfer/Tarkin] We're like totally ready to handle pretty much anything they throw at us, dude. > *Special Note: The Starfleet - at this moment in galactic >history Crow: Is still wearing those weird pajamas from "Star Trek: The Motion Picture". > - is composed largely of heavy cruisers, destroyer and >spacecraft carriers, with a full complement of fighters. Tom: Hey, look, Lennox Lewis! Evander Holyfield! Bridget Riley! > There >are no Star Destroyers, Death Stars or TIE fighters Mike: And the cruiser is a washing machine with a caulking gun taped to the lid. > because the >Republic's Starfleet was used primarily for exploration Mike: [Shatner] Space... the final frontier. These are-- thevoyagesof the... Millennium Falcon. > and occas- >sional law enforcement. Crow: And as we all know, Star Destroyers and TIE fighters can only be used for evil. > However, under the ruthless command of >Darth Vader, it is a formidable opponent. > Mike: Suddenly a molten pit forms in space, and the whole fleet trips and falls in. > > > > September 6, 1983 > FALL OF THE REPUBLIC > Page 23 > Tom: The headers are actually the most richly drawn characters in the script. Crow: Oh, I hope they survive this battle OK! > > Vader turns to face the Commander, his towering figure >looming menacingly over the officer, Mike: [Vader, matter-of-factly] Yeah. I could bench-press you. > and Tarkin feels a chill >course through his veins. Tom: Ensign Letterman must have the AC cranked up again. > Vader warns that Palpatine wants >Bail Organa and his diplomatic party captured alive (if possible) Crow: If not... then, don't, I guess. >so that they would face the embarrassment of a public tribunal. Mike: As if being executed wasn't bad enough, now they're going to be embarrassed *and* dead! >And the Dark Lord adds that he wants Kenobi (!), Crow: One little exclamation mark, and this love triangle's getting scary! > his voice con- >veying the image of a dreadful fate (that would be inflicted) Tom: (upon the person who didn't do it) Crow: (and I'm talking to YOU, Tarkin!) Mike: [staring] How do you DO that? Crow: You don't do it, Mike. It just kinda happens. > if >his commands were not executed. > Crow: Hobgoblins, no... > Tarkin reluctantly salutes and backs away from him, >angered that their positions were not reversed. Tom: [Tarkin, whining] Musclehead! He'll never know the joys of long-distance running! > He barks several >commands, Mike: Why are Imperial officers always described using canine imagery? Tom: Perhaps they come from the- DOG STAR?! HA! Crow: [growling] Good one, Nelson. > and his troops spring to battle stations. > Crow: Well, it's better than describing their troops as Slinkies. > DISSOLVE TO: > >SCENES 23 TO 27: Jhantor Star System -- Various types of space- > craft against a backdrop of stars and a brightly > colored nebulae > Crow: [chanting] Someone's seen Star Trek... > Alarms sound full alert as the handful of freighters, >transport ships, blockade runners, luxury cruisers Mike: And one fast-food wrapper the wind got a hold of... > and one-man >fighters approach the armada of the Starfleet. Tom: It's a regular rag-tag fleet. Crow: Turnabout is fair play. > The ships attempt- >- first - to cross the blockade with the diplomatic colors and >symbols of Alderaan; but, when that fails, Crow: They are annihilated. Right? Mike: Maybe not. The Force might be with them, or something. > they energize their >main deflector shields and prepare to fight their way through. Tom: Jeez, no one's trying to hack into the other guy's system to lower their shields? What a gyp! >(Captain Antilles and Obi-Wan Kenobi hold their groups up as the >first wave attacks. ) > Mike: [Kenobi] Let's let the cannon fodder soften up the blockade a bit first. Crow: [grandly] Behold the brave heroes, as they watch other people fight their battles! > Keeping a tight formation, dozens of transport ships and >luxury cruisers move in close to the Starfleet armada Crow: And shoot cargo boxes and "Bon Voyage" banners at them! > - and begin >blasting away, while fifty-or-so small freighters and one-man > > Tom: Off-broadway plays? What? > >September 6, 1983 >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 24 > Mike: [terrified] Oh no, the header darted right into the crossifre! Crow: [desperate] RUN, HEADER! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! >fighters race across their surfaces, zipping between laser bolts >as they engage the small pursuit fighters. Tom: Not exactly "Ice Pirates", is it? > Their plan is one >of strategic genius: [All snicker.] Crow: Blow up all their enemies while not getting shot. Mike: John's gotten rather enamored of himself here. > by flying in close, the rebel group emascu- >lates the fire-power, which is ineffective at close-range, of the >larger ships. Tom: Wow, genius. It's only ever been thought of by EVERYONE WHO'S EVER PLAYED 'WING COMMANDER'!! Mike: Servo, calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean... > Additionally, the erratic and hot-dog flying of the >Merchanter's Guild members confuse and place the military pilots >at a momentary disadvantage! Tom: Yes, bad flying makes geniuses of us all! Mike: Meanwhile, flight controllers across Starfleet are yelling "Maverick!" > And that disadvantage is exploited: >Antilles and Kenobi launch the second wave of ships and wait >tensely to join the conflict, or make their escape. > Tom: [Antilles] If things start looking up we'll head in, otherwise we're outta here! Mike: The *heroes*, ladies and gentlemen. *Heroes*. > However, the heroic efforts (of the rebel flight crews) Crow: To distinguish it from the heroic efforts of the Starfleet, of course. Tom: Hey--evil's always equated with coolness in the Star Wars universe, and that's just one step away from heroism. >are brought to an abrupt halt by the armada as the heavy cruisers >fire broadsides at point-blank range, Crow: I thought being in close was what they *wanted*? Tom: Fickle dogfight. > disregarding their own >safety. The Starfleet's audacious and dangerous move Mike: They fired a gun! GENIUS! > seems to >turn the tide of battle: small one-man fighters scatter, luxury >cruisers reverse their engines, Tom: Small town fisheries are subsumed by larger conglomerates! > and freighters drop their addi- >tional weapons and accelerate away. Crow: [crew, panicked] They're firing back! No one said they were gonna fire back! > But, as the proton beams >take their toll, Mike: [wistful narrator] And the sun dips slowly into the sea, we say goodbye to our fair heroes... > last ditch, suicide runs are made by the damaged, >rebel craft: a cargo freighter - loaded with weapons and cargo - Mike: They aren't going to sacrifice their merchandise, are they? Crow: They have to move it off the shelves somehow. >heads on a collision course for one of the Destroyers and explodes, Tom: Then I guess the collision's a moot point. >while a transport ship - mortally wounded in combat - limps at a >heavy cruiser and detonates its nuclear engines, destroying his >opponent with him. Crow: Poisoning the atmosphere of a nearby planet with lethal doses of radiation. Mike: [Spock] The needs of the movie outweigh the needs of the one. Tom: Kamikaze! It's Japanese for "stupid"! > The balance of the small craft punch through >holes Crow: Oh, punching where there isn't anything is *easy.* Tom: Punch through a brick wall, and maybe we'll be impressed. > and race for open space! > Crow: Where the empire's second flank can pick them off one-by-one! > > >September 6, 1983 >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 25 > > > Captain Antilles, piloting the saucer-shaped freighter Tom: With his copilots Gort and Klaatu. Mike: You could just name it, Flynn. It's not like you'll spoil anything now. >(with Bail Organa, Lady Arcadia, and party aboard), dives into >the chaos, Crow: All right! Mosh pit! > then steers through the battle. Tom: Slowing down to rubberneck the wrecks, of course. > Once clear, he en- >gages his ship's hyperdrive and soars away at light speed. >Several pursuit craft follow - but their weapons are ineffectual >against his ship's deflector shields Crow: Guess they should have upgraded to Atomic Napalm Neutralizers while they had their chance. > and their ion-propelled en- >gines are no match for his. > > In another sector of the battle, Obi-Wan Kenobi's starship >swoops past an engagement Crow: Mr. and Mrs. Bail Organa would like to announce the engagement of their daughter Leia Organa to Mr. Eugene Hanford Solo. > and accelerates into space, Tom: [Kenobi] Your-sacrifice-will-long-be-remembered-thanks-bye! > pursued by >Darth Vader's flagship. Kenobi executes a series of stunning >maneuvers in an effort to loose the Heavy Cruiser; Crow: That's its name? How dull. > but he quickly >realizes that it will not be easy to shake. Mike: Yeah, a big ship like that, picking it up and shaking it's gotta be a bear. > Marshalling the >Force around him, the last Jedi prepares for a death-defying stunt. Tom: [gasping] He's buying a dot-com start-up! The fool! >He then guides his starship into the nebulae; Crow: What nebulae? > and with his de- >flector shields (and the Force) at full intensity, Kenobi flies >through the core of the exploding star. > Tom: Exploding star? Is this the hallmark of Lucasfilms? Making stuff blow up? Mike: Flynn consulted the same guy for scientific advice that the people from "Deep Impact" and "Armageddon" did. And he used as much of that info as they did. > Darth Vader stands silently on the Bridge of his starship, >-gazing in disbelief at the-brightly-colored nebulae. Crow: [Vader, dumbfounded] That wasn't there at the beginning of the scene! The hell? > He demands > the scanning sensors probe the area for any sign of the Jedi knight Mike: [Vader] Oh, and scan for a tailor. I snagged my cape on something. > - but the results are negative! Gravely disappointed, the Dark > Lord orders the Flagship returned to the fleet and walks away, > sensing that they would meet again. > > Tom: Don't know where, don't know when. > >September 6, 1983 >FALL OF THE REPUBLIC >Page 26 > Crow: [excited] Look! The header! It's OK! Tom: Oh my god, I can't believe it escaped! Mike: Our faith in good is restored! But- for how long? > The victory is an incomplete one for Palpatine's forces. >His Starfleet has destroyed or captured nearly three dozen ve- >hicles Mike: Mostly Chevy Novas, unfortunately. > - but scattered throughout the galaxy were rebelous pi- >rates and outlaws that he would one day have to deal with! > Tom: [flatly] Oh, no. The tension. Crow: But not tonight. This is Palpatine's time. For Palpatine to take care of himself. Sit. Relax. Have an evil bubble bath. Mike: Evil bubble bath? Crow: Well, with like, scorpions and stuff. > LAP DISSOLVE TO: > >SCENES 28 TO 30: EPILOGUE -- > > Jhantor -- Emperor Palpatine, with Darth Vader, the Dark >Lord of the Sith, at his side, smiles malevolently and plots his >next move as his assembled troops chant: "Long Live Palpatine! >Long Live the Empire!!" > Tom: [Trooper] Long live Cheez Whiz! Crow: [Trooper] Long live AOL! Mike: [Trooper] Long live the artist formerly known as Prince! > Alderaan -- Lady Arcadia Skywalker - now a common servant >in the Organa household - sings her daughter to sleep Crow: With a delightful mix of Marilyn Manson songs. > under the >watchful sensors of Artoo Detoo and See Threepio, Tom: [Threepio] If she hits a wrong note, grease her. > while Bail >Organa awards Captain Antilles with a commission in his service. > Mike: We're up to a zillion split-screens now. Crow: [Bail] Now you'll have my massage ready at eight, then coffee and biscuits- with honey, never jam- back the massage at ten, wake me for canasta at four-thirty. Then massage, massage, and back to bed at eight. > Tatooine -- Obi-Wan Kenobi, the last Jedi Knight, delivers >the infant boy to his brother Owen Lars, Crow: Is this where he grabs the whip to scare off the lion and cuts his chin? Tom: No, this is where he falls into the snake pit. Crow: Ah. > then disappears into the >desert wasteland, Mike: [Kenobi] o/~ I'll live in the desert, use The Force with no name. o/~ HA! > awaiting the day when Luke would claim the light >sabre of his father (from him) Tom: No, actually from the Mos Eisley pawn shop. > and become a man. > Mike: As opposed to becoming more machine than man, which would be bad. Crow: And on that vaguely Freudian note, we... > >FADE OUT. > > > > Mike: Ooh. Nice prescience there, Crow. Crow: Well, the future do I see. Tom: Theater leaving we are. [The Bridge] [Mike and Crow stand behind the command console.] Mike: Well, that was odd. Crow: Yep. They might as well have called it "My Dinner with Palpatine." Mike: I just don't know where to start. Why did the Jedi just let themselves get picked off like that? Crow: Oh, and why did Obi-Wan send the kids to the places where Vader would be most likely to look for them? Mike: Why was Flynn trying so hard to suggest what Antilles' ship was? Crow: And why all of the Clinton bashing? Mike: Huh? Clinton wasn't in this. Crow: He might as well have been with the number of times that you brought him up. Mike: Oh, come on. He's the President! He's a legitimate target for satire. Crow: Satire yes, but you were just mindlessly attacking! Mike: I was not! Crow: Oh, just tell them how to find the dibs list. Mike: Hrpmh. Fine. To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an e-mail to majordomo@pinky.wtower.com Crow: Clinton sucks! Mike: ... with the message "subscribe dibslist []" in the message body. And then... Crow: Clinton sucks! Mike: ...just wait a few hours... Crow: Clinton sucks! Mike: ...and the fast paced world of misting is yours! Crow: Clinton sucks! Hillary sucks! Gore sucks! They suck suck suck suck SUCK! Mike: Oh for the love of-! I sound nothing like that! Crow: Yes you do. It's like you're stealing riffs from the American Spectator or somethin'. Mike: [defensive] I don't think I'm being that partisan. Besides, *you* guys bought me that subscription. Crow: I thought it was a magazine about riffing! [Tom enters, carrying a small book.] Tom: Hey Hannity? Colmes? You two mind putting aside the debate for a sec? I think I've found out what happened to Flynn. Mike: Really? Tom: I was reading George Lucas' biography "Ewoks? What was I thinking?!?" and I came across this passage. [Tom sets the book down, open, and the trio gathers around it and reads aloud.] Crow: February 1, 1984. I met with a young man who tried to convince me to take a look at his script for a Star Wars prequel. I declined, but told him to contact me later if he thought of anything else. Mike: August 18, 1984. I met with that determined young script writer again. He presented me with a script based on a beloved cartoon character. Some duck who drives a taxicab. I've never heard of him, but the writer assures me it's quite a popular book. I decide to green light the film. It should be a huge hit. [Trio gives a collective shudder.] Mike: Suddenly I've lost all feeling in the fingers of my left hand. Crow: From these humble beginnings sprang the single most disturbing love scene in screen history! Tom: Hey, wait, there's more! [Tom resumes reading.] Tom: December 18, 1986. I have found that accursed writer who convinced me to make this film. He won't be bothering anyone in Hollywood again. But one thing concerns me; before my men "dealt with him" he mentioned that he'd finished another script, something called "Ishtar." Hopefully, we shall never hear that title again. [Mike closes the book, and the trio look up, pondering. After a moment, the call lights activate.] Mike: I suppose we should see what Pearl wants. [The convention] [The line still stretches off into the distance, but a hazy light can be seen in the distance. Pearl stands in the queue, looking annoyed as ever. Behind her, a heavyset man with a beard speaks to her.] Bearded Fan: ...so, since I'm a filmmaker, I've been subtly sneaking Star Wars references into all of my films. Why, in my second film I got to practice my Jedi mind skills while Jason and I were trying to wreck this dating game type thing. Boy, that was... Pearl: [Exasperated] Look, don't you have something else to do? Why don't you go make a cartoon or something? [sotto voce] And leave me alone. [The fan's face lights up.] Bearded Fan: A cartoon? Yeah! I can put Dante and Randall in it! I can sell it to ABC! Thanks, Pickle! [He exits.] Pearl: That's Pearl! Arrgh. [to the camera] Mike, right now all I care about is getting out of this blasted center. How the experiment went doesn't matter anymore. [The Observer enters.] Observer: Pearl, I've completed my recconoiter, and I'm afraid you're still twenty minutes away from the exit. Pearl: What? Oh for Pete's sake. Why the heck are all these people here? It's just a stupid B-grade Kid's movie! [The convention goers go silent and turn, enmasse, to glare at Pearl and Observer.] Pearl: Uh-oh. Observer: Pearl? May I suggest that we RUN FOR OUR LIVES!! [The pair rapidly exit, stage right, followed quickly by a multitude of enraged fen.] [SoL] [Silence] Mike: Huh. Pearl seems to have gotten in a bit of trouble. Tom: Think we should help her? [pause] Mike & Tom: Nah. [Mike taps the lights and the screen collapses with a... ] \ | / \ | / --- * --- FWOOOOSH! / | \ / | \ Crow: [V.O.] So we're just going to let her fend for herself? Have you gone Social Darwinist on us, too, Mike? Mike: [V.O.] Oh, hush. Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: "Fall of the Republic" Written by James Flynn Misted by: Matt Blackwell, Keith Palmer, Brendan Herlihy, Douglas Gale and Eric Schepers. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non- commercial parody, review, entertainment and commentary purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc., Lucasfilm, Twentieth Century Fox, John Flynn or anyone else, is intended or should be inferred. No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional except for those who aren't , and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental. "Star Wars" and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 2000 by Lucasfilms and/or Twentieth Century Fox. All rights reserved. "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 2000 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Brought to you with funding from Jhantor House, your source for holocubes, Padds and the latest MP3 droids. Keep circulating the posts. Twaaaaang. 8/13/00 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >He is in need of a powerful weanon and an obedient servant