Mystery Science Theater 3000 - in Text! Episode #103: Enter the Young Dragon, Chapter 1 Group Editor: Alicia Ashby, aka Lynxara Skits by: Alicia Ashby, Matt Linkous, Christian Rogers MiSTed By: Alicia Ashby [lynxara@bad-candy.com] Antaeus Feldspar [feldspar@cryogen.com] Glazius Falconar [glaziusfalconar@email.msn.com] Michael Wallen [crazyguy@cybernw.com] Amanda Van Rhyn [06arv@williams.edu] Justin Rau [arsenal13@usa.net] Keith Palmer [krjpalme@sciborg.uwaterloo.ca] Steve Savage [badger@infinet.com] JP Chabot [site_razer@hotmail.com] Ben-San Arizona [bensan_arizona@yahoo.com] Will Crain [wcrain3@n-link.com] Mike Leal [maikutx@awesomenet.net] Kenny Blackwell [seijimei@webtv.net] Thomas Wilde [storyteller@msc.net] NotReallyHere [realnrh@yahoo.com] Jeff Yang [lain_iwakura@softhome.net] Damien Karolev [damienk@polarcom.com] Amanda Berman [jedigirl_21@hotmail.com] _________________________________________________________________ In the not-too-distant future-- That's someday, A.D.-- There was still a guy named Joel, Not too different from you or me. He was still trapped by Gizmonic Institute, A test case stuck in a red jumpsuit. Without Mike Nelson to take his place, Dr. Forrester still had him Locked up in deep space. I've sent him cheesy movies, The worst I could find (la-la-la). But he's sat there and watched them all, And he's still feelin' fine. (la-la-la). But don't think that means I can't break Joel - No, this is far from the end! (la-la-la) I'll just have to use some desperate tricks To destroy him and his friends! Robot Roll Call: (My robot friends!) Cambot! (The strong, silent type.) Gypsy! (Still in charge!) Tom Servo! (And I'm still a cool guy!) Croooow! (Oh, you *wish*...) So if you're wondering how he eats and breathes and why the continuity hack (la la la), Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show, I should really just relax For Mystery Science Theater 3000 - in Text!" [Guitar twang, and open on the SOL Bridge.] JOEL: Hi, folks, I'm Joel Robinson and welcome to the Satellite of Love. Today, we're-- what the Sam hill?! [Joel is startled as he glances over to the left. Cambot pans over to reveal the startling sight or Crow and Tom Servo with their arms passionately draped about each other.] JOEL: ... uh... guys? CROW: Hi, Joel! Tom and I are here to tell you about our true love for each other. JOEL: ... but you're not gay, and you're robots. And you make fun of each other all the time! TOM: Don't be silly Joel, of course we're not gay! JOEL: But then what about-- TOM: --We're lesbians! JOEL: ... huh? CROW: That's right, Joel. We're 100% Grade-A pure lesbians. JOEL: Crow, you're not a lesbian. You're not even female! TOM: C'mon, Joel, what kind of attitude is that? We love to read, we're sensitive and we have emotional needs.... CROW: And we both really like bowling! I mean, that just screams "lesbian"! JOEL: ... wait, I know what's going on here. See, folks, Dr. Forrester sent up a bunch of magazines from Earth earlier this week, and I had the bots here read some issues of the Advocate in preparation for our fic this week. Guys, I know it probably sounds really neat, but you're just not lesbians. Just trust me on this one, okay? CROW and TOM: OPPRESSOR! [The two cuddling bots exit, stage left. Before Joel can begin a sigh of relief Gypsy whips onto the SOL bridge from stage right.] GYPSY: Hey, check out my tight six-pack! JOEL: Whaa? Gypsy, honey, you don't have abs. You don't even have a stomach. GYPSY: Whatever, man. I'm gonna have a Power-Bar and then go do some sit ups. Improves your sex life, y'know. JOEL: ... Gypsy, have you been reading Men's Health? GYPSY: Later, dude, I gotta do some reps. [Before Joel can react, one of lights on the SOL bridge console begins to flash.] JOEL: What the... oh wait, El Santo is calling. DR. F: Greetings, Hayabusa! Prepare to squeal at the awesome might of our invention exchange this week! Frank? [Frank is holding some form of modified cam-corder at the Deep 13 control panel, oblivious to Dr. Forrester.] DR. F: FRANK!! TV's FRANK: Oh, sorry, I was just really getting into this.... DR.F: Give me that!! Ah, now behold, Senor Robinson, our latest creation... soon to marketed out to animation studios all over the world! Behold, the portable Linger-Cam! JOEL: Uh... but its just a ordinary camcorder with a sketchpad taped to it... DR. F: Wrong! This baby is the wave of the animated future! TV's FRANK: Thats right. I mean hey, lets face it, sure moving characters and great cel animation is pretty to look at, but it's expensive and time consuming. Besides, where's the ambiguous artistic expression in *that*? DR.F: With the Linger-Cam one need only point the device at a single drawing or even random live action objects, and thus cut production costs literally in half. This device saves your average struggling Japanese animation studio hundreds of man hours, while at the same time garnering respect and admiration from somber, joyless critics around the world. TV's FRANK: And it also leaves the animators more free time to do things like go outside. Or eat! DR. F: So, what have _you_ got, jumpsuit lad? [SOL Bridge.] JOEL; Well, our Invention Exchange this week is something a little different than normal. Now I know that you, like me, have noticed that kids today just don't seem to have the same interest or understanding of religion that they used to. I mean, kids feel like they're wasting a beautiful Sunday, listening to some man drone on and on while they sit in itchy clothes on uncomfortable pews. Or Sunday School, where all you do is doodle or make small lambs out of cotton balls and cardboard. But now, using modern marketing techniques and lifting a few things from a popular TV show, we've found a new way to let kids learn about the Bible and have a really great time, too! I give to you 'Bible: The Collectable Card Game'." [Joel steps aside, letting the Mads have a clear view of Tom and Crow, who each have CCG cards with "BIBLE" lettered in gold on the back attached to their hands.] JOEL: Yes, now your child can collect all their favorite biblical heroes and battle them out, to see who is most divine! Crow? Tom? You guys want to explain a bit of the game system itself? TOM: Alright. It's my turn right now. We've got a landscape that's half land and half water. Crow, on his last turn, drew Jesus, who has an Attack Power of 1600 normally, and placed him on the water. Now, because Jesus walks on water, that gives him a Landscape Bonus of 500, which brings his total power up to 2100. CROW: Prepare to feel the rightious wrath of the Son of God! TOM: But fortunatly I have Moses in my hand, and I'll play him so I can use one of my Scripture Cards, "Parting the Red Sea." Joel? If you would... [Joel takes the two cards from Tom's hand and places them down on the table.] CROW: Arrgh! Aw, man! TOM: Ha-ha! And with that, the seas get split around Jesus, taking away that 500 bonus! AND because the Scripture Card is compatible, it also adds a 400 bonus to Moses' 1300, thus sending the Lamb back to his tomb for another three days! CROW: Fine! I lay down... _David_. TOM: _David_? You've got to be kidding me, David's pitiful next to my mighty Moses! CROW: He may be shrimpy NOW but I'm also equipping him with the Scripture Cards "Slingshot", "Rock", AND "Destined to be King". And, with a single noble swing, your Moses has a parted skull to go with his parted sea! TOM: Heeeeeeeey! You can't use three Scripture Cards in one turn! That's not fair! CROW: Yes I can! And yes it is! TOM: Is not! CROW: Is too! [Joel places a restraining hand on each robot and looks at the camera.] JOEL: We're still working the bugs out with the rules but you get the basic idea. [Deep 13. Dr. F is stroking his chin contemplatively.] DR. F: Hmmmmmmmmmmm. It's not a BAD idea, but what about those of us who don't _believe_ in Christianity? TV's FRANK: Didn't think about THAT, did you? Hmmm? [SOL.] JOEL: Actually, we did. With these expansion packs, even your most blasphemous pals can join in the fun! TOM: Right! There's "Curse of the Torah!" CROW: "Hundred Armed Vishnu!" TOM: "Gate of Shinto"! CROW: And more to come! JOEL: What do you think, sirs? [Deep 13.] DR. F: What do I think? I think it's time for you Rookies to let a Champion do his thing. Frank? TV's FRANK: Your post this week is a piece of terrifying flotsam fished from the depths of the Nifty Archive. It's called "Neon Genesis Evangelion: Enter the Young Dragon", and it's another one of those time-honored tales of a teenage crackwhore's love for a confused mecha pilot. DR. F: Prepare to experience suck _and_ swallow, Robinson! [SOL. Crow and Tom seem to still be bickering about their game.] CROW: Look, I don't care what the card says, you can't use "Power of the Word" to fish a card out of another expansion set! TOM: You wuss, you're just saying that because you know that once Mohammed was out this game would be over! CROW: Exactly, the "Almighty Allah" set is _completely_ broken... JOEL: Guys, guys... we've got movie sign! [Lights flash, buzzers go off, and Cambot quakes in place as CCG cards fly through the air. Joel and the Bots all make their mad dash into the theater.] [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!] > Date: Sun, 7 Oct 2001 21:15:06 EDT > From: DAG1064@aol.com CROW: DAGnabbit! > Subject: "Neon Genesis Evangelion 01" b/b, JOEL: b/b? Hot hot bed and breakfast porn! TOM: Oh boy, an authentic Red Ryder b/b gun! > masturbation CROW: Wouldn't masturbation be b/h, technically? TOM: Well, if it were Rei Ayanami, it could easily be f/f masturbation.... JOEL: That's enough, you two. > Neon Genesis Evangelion 01 > By David (DAG1064@aol.com) JOEL: "David?" Wow, the little robot kid from "A.I." grew up weird. > Author's Note: All characters of Evangelion are the property of Gainax > Studios. This story and the rest of the series is one hundred percent > fiction. TOM: I certainly *hope* so. I mean, if most of America were underwater, you'd think people would notice. > Neon Genesis Evangelion 01 > "Enter The Young Dragon" CROW: Insert penetration metaphor joke *here*. TOM: Ah, so this is the CG Bruce Lee movie we've heard so much about.... JOEL: Enter the PCs Complaining That They Aren't High Enough Level For a Dragon Encounter Of That Age Level Yet. > It Is The Year 2015... CROW: Michael J. Fox is fleeing from futuristic thugs on a hoverboard! TOM: And people are trying to escape from New York. > I kept on running through the streets of Japan, knowing the American > Secret Service was still on my tail. It had been a few days since I > stowed away on the Japan jet to Osaka. Someone had sold me out so I > was on the run. I kept to the back streets and dark alleys, hoping I > wouldn't run into the police major crime unit called Kunika or a regular > police unit because of the illegal guns I was carrying. JOEL: In the totalitarian future, 14-year-olds are tyrannically forced to roam the streets of Japan without the protection of powerful automatic handguns. CROW: Gasp! We must tell Charlton Heston! > I stopped long enough to catch my breath and to calm down some. I > was starting to get the shakes, which was a very bad sign. I had to > score some drugs soon, before I started getting sick. I had exhausted > my supply days ago. TOM: You know, just, uh... um... generic drugs. Uppers, downers, sidewaysers... as long as they're, y'know, drug-*ish*.... > Suddenly bullets hit the wall next to me and I heard voices yelling. > I jumped away from the wall as seven men entered the alley I was in. > "David! Freeze! You're surrounded!" the leader yelled. I heard > Jack Farlane's voice, the special agent assigned to difficult retrievals. > This was not good. CROW : Fortunately, I remembered to pack 4,000 rounds of ammunition before I came to Japan. TOM: Yeah, good thing he read that "Japan on Five Ammo Clips a Day" guidebook. > "Oh fuck," I swore, JOEL: Yes, using that word usually indicates swearing. > diving into a pile of trash and waited for his crew to charge. They > did, and at the last second, I came up shooting my H&K MP-5 nine-millimeter > sub gun. They scattered as the bullets from my gun hit the walls, > knocking chips of stone and rock off them. Even in my dazed state of > mind, I knew what shrapnel from pieces of rock, cement, and stone could do. TOM: ... wow, this is one bad-ass junkie. > I lobbed a Deftec flash bang at them and ran for the corner. CROW: And then next time he'll use a Supaflytec Flyrealfast Hitrealhard Makelotsnoise! > It went off just as I turned the corner. The shock waves shoved > me around the corner and into a steel door face first. That hurt. JOEL: You're kidding! > Seeing stars for sure now, I felt along the door and found the doorknob. TOM: Just the doorknob, mind. Not the actual *door*. > I discovered it was locked. CROW : So I used my Yaletec Knobturn Dooropen on it! > "FUCK!" I yelled, banging on it with a fist. TOM: "How much you charging?" came the reply. > Shaking my head trying to clear the stars and bluebirds from my vision, JOEL: ... stars and bluebirds? What is this, "Who Impacted Roger Rabbit"? CROW: Hey, "Neon Genesis Toongelion" does have a ring to it.... > I reached for my lock pick set inside my tattered Army jacket. I worked > frantically on the door trying to open it before the men came around > the corner. TOM : C'mon, American Express... > I could hear them shouting now, so that meant my hearing was coming back, > at least in the right ear. JOEL: You know, he should just hide under a cardboard box like Solid Snake did. > I got the door open and slammed it shut as fast as I could. TOM: ... without locking it again. CROW: Well, I think he forgot to mention that he used his special Reclosetec Tumblerengage Doorrelock. JOEL: He could also have a Stratoforcial Door Shuttertron. > I could hear the bullets from their guns hit the other side of the door. TOM : And then I realized the door was only half an inch thick as a bullet slammed through my temple. Ow! > I thought I was safe now. CROW: ...you're still being *shot at*, David. > I rested for a moment and took stock in what I had, which wasn't much. > I had a Ruger P-89 nine millimeter handgun, six mags for it, I had the > nine sub gun with eight mags for it, TOM: Hey, I think I figured out where the masturbation is! It's in ALL THESE GUN DETAILS! > I was down to three flash bangs, my drug kit was empty except for the > syringe and needle, JOEL: I see he saved the most important part for last... > and I was a mess physically. I was bleeding from a dozen cuts and > scrapes, needed a serious shower, food, and most of all, sleep. CROW : Dammit, I really should've saved before I got on the plane. Now if I restarted I'd have to sit through that damned FMV again! > I stumbled away from the door and into the warehouse, at least that's > what I thought it was. I kept going towards what looked like a lit room. > I saw a car sitting in the middle of the room and ran towards it. It was > a wreck, held together by duct tape. TOM : Which meant we were two of a kind. JOEL: Fortunately, David has an all-aluminum car frame hidden in his pants, and a six cylinder engine in his backpack. > "Fuckin' thing looks like it was driven here from darkest Africa," > I said out loud. CROW: Just then, a confused !Kung tribesman got out of the car, an unfolded road map in his hand. He began saying something about a Coke bottle... > I looked in the windows and saw cases of beer in the back area next > to a bunch of taped together batteries. JOEL: ... I sense that this _might be_ Misato's car. TOM: You think so? The hints are subtle, maybe too subtle. Perhaps he should have gone with a slightly less subtle clue, like a big neon sign reading "MISATO'S CAR!! RIGHT HERE!!!" > "Yeah!" I grinned, grabbing a can and knocking it back quick. I > started feeling a bit better after the fourth can. CROW: Chased by deadly Secret Service agents ... and he gets drunk. JOEL: Yeah, but he stopped the Secret Service behind a door. He can afford to party down now. TOM: No, no, just watch, I bet he's getting ready to DRIVE now.... > I opened the car door and sat inside it. Interior wasn't much to look > at, but it seemed comfortable. I noticed what looked like a keypad by > the right window, the driver side in Japan and pushed a lit button. > Suddenly the ground shifted and started moving downwards. "Earthquake!" > I yelled out of fear, thinking the building was falling. TOM: Okay, so he's running from secret agents, and stealing from whoever owns the building and the stuff inside, right? JOEL: Sounds about right so far. TOM: So _why_ does he shout "Earthquake"? To _who_? And _who_ couldn't have figured it out on their own? CROW: I guess his full name is David Exposition. TOM: I guess. I'm just surprised we didn't see him doing the same thing earlier. "Agents! Bullets! DOOR!!!" > I heard a loud explosion go off and debris flew past the car. The car > got hit, but protected me. JOEL: Must be that new titanium-reinforced duct tape. > The ground kept moving down and all I could do was hang on and hope > I'd get out of this alive, preferably in one piece. I poked my head > out of the car window and realized that the car was sitting on some kind > of metal platform, moving down like an elevator. I closed my eyes and > sighed. I thought I was safe until I heard Farlane yell. JOEL : Moving platform!! > "Fire!" he yelled, and bullets were hitting the car. I crawled out > the other window and got down as much as I could. TOM: Wait, one door doesn't open? Is Misato starting to convert her car into the General Lee? > I returned fire the best I could. I wondered how they were staying > within distance, and then realized they were on a moving platform like I was. CROW: ... I think I saw this in Half-Life. > "Fuck," I growled. JOEL: Swearing, yelling, growling... that word's versatile! > Looking around on my platform, I found a couple of glass bottles > filled with something. TOM: ... wait, so where are all the bullets being shot by the agents landing? CROW: Dimension X. Krang's getting real pissed. > I looked at the labels and the word on it was sake. It was bottles of > rice liquor. I opened one and swallowed a third of it and instantly > regretted it as the stuff ran straight to my head. JOEL: ... y'know, I'm pretty sure a third of a bottle of sake would kill me. > I watched the world spin madly for a minute or two before settling down > again. TOM: And again, faced with imminent danger, he takes care of the very first priority -- BOOZE! CROW: This guy is really Misato's dream man. > "Fuckin' awesome! This stuff's great!" I yelled. I drank the rest > of the bottle and cracked open the car's gas tank and filled a third of > the bottle, and then stuffed a gas soaked rag into it. TOM: Uh, David, there's mixing drinks, and then there's mixing drinks... > I now had a Molotov cocktail ready to go. I giggled like a mad man > and lit it. I jumped up and threw it. JOEL: Of course, by the time he was finished with all this, his body was riddled with bullets. But it's the _principle_ of the thing. > Even though I was seriously fucked up from the beer, sake, and cocaine, > my aim was right on target. CROW: Man, somebody really cranked his alcohol tolerance skill. TOM: ... so, the moral of this story: drugs do not actually have any tangible effect, they just make you cooler! JOEL: This fanfic brought to you by the Booze Council. Booze: Goes great with an ass-whuppin'! > I heard Farlane scream in rage as it exploded in the middle of them. > I saw one man jumping up and down, his body covered in flames. CROW : Flaming body!! JOEL: Sounds like he never heard the "Stop, drop and roll" drills in grade school. TOM: Quentin Tarantino's Neon Genesis Evangelion. > He took too many steps and fell off the platform. I watched his fiery > body fall past me and keep going. CROW : I protest the war in Vietnaaaam! > I wondered if there was a bottom to this thing I was on. I certainly > hoped so. JOEL: I wonder if there's a bottom to the story. I think we're going to reach it. > I lay back and listened to Farlane cuss me out. I closed my eyes and > tried to rest. TOM: ... why don't they _capture him_?!! CROW: 'Cause he's Feigning Death to de-aggro them, Tom. > The last six months had been hell... JOEL: Ah, time to pass out and flashback. > It all started for me back when I was twelve, two years ago. TOM: ... okay, so the guy rampaging into NERV HQ and powerdrinking like a sailor is a fourteen-year-old?! I'm _so_ sure, story.... > I was just a normal kid, living a normal life until puberty hit. Things > rapidly changed for me. I was discovering that I could get pleasure > from my cock, CROW: Reluctantly, he realized he would indeed be a poultry farmer when he grew up. > and I pulled on it nearly all the time. I was also discovering that I > liked looking at other boys as well. TOM: ... I'm hoping he didn't pull on his cock while looking at the other boys in plain sight. > That scared me more than anything. My parents, God bless them, once > they knew what was going on, tried to help me. They even took me to a > psychiatrist to get me help. He turned out to be a homophobic asshole > and very carefully manipulated my parents and me. Once he convinced my > parents to have me committed to the mental hospital, he suddenly showed > his true colors. JOEL: He was revealed as a deadly Straw Man! > I don't want to get into what they did to me, so for now I'll tell > you that he, his assistants abused me, tortured me, and raped me nonstop > for a period of six months. CROW: Raped him _non-stop_ for six months? JOEL: Well, they might have taken shifts. And I bet they got snack breaks. > Somehow I managed to escape from them, to this day I don't know how, I > just don't remember. They went and committed the worst thing they ever > could do to me, and that was to murder my family and blame me for it. TOM: ... and then the psychiatrist tied David to railroad tracks while stroking his moustache, right? > Every cop west of the Rockies was looking for me. One of the assistants > dogged me everywhere I ran, and between us we destroyed a lot of buildings. > He wanted to kill me and I wanted to kill him. JOEL: This is starting to sound like a really bad "edgy and mature" indie comic. > It all ended one night when the cops stopped the psychiatrist for > drunk driving, and in the process, discovered pictures of me on the > floorboard of the passenger side being raped. The cops investigated, > and discovered the truth. I turned myself in once they managed to > convince me I wasn't in trouble anymore. I have a real dislike for > psychiatrists; don't trust them at all. JOEL: ... "dislike" is such a strong word for it. TOM: That's almost a character trait. Almost. A little. CROW: Yeah, too bad it took a whole season's-worth of TV movie traumas to justify it. TOM: But such is the rough world of 2015! Back in the twentieth century, one could develop a dislike of psychiatry from reading "Reviving Ophelia" too many times, but in this Brave New World -- that just _isn't enough_!! > Hell, would you? I didn't want anyone near me, so I filed for > emancipated minor and to my surprise, they gave it to me. During all > that, some preacher from the Midwest started campaigning for President, > claiming he would do all he could to make America great again. JOEL: It's a daring new message, but it just might strike a chord with the voters... > I believed him especially after he shook my hand one day and pledged > his support for the gay community. This guy suckered us all. CROW: Gasp! Who could have believed that a politician would lie to get elected?? > While he was running for President, I was living in a small town in > the southeastern corner of Oregon, believing I was going to be okay. > The people there seemed to like me. The house I was in was a bit small, > but it was paradise compared to what I had been living in. The nightmares > and the flashbacks were hell to deal with, so I started drinking to cope > with them. Bad mistake on my part. TOM : Especially drinking wood alcohol. > The drinking soon got out of control. Then it finally wasn't doing > any good. I discovered drugs one day when a friend offered me some > cocaine. Talk about flying high! I could leave everything behind for > a few hours. CROW: ... where did he get the money to _pay_ for all of this? > Cocaine became the cure for me. Soon I was using all the time. I > was doing anything for it, even letting the dealers fuck me anytime they > wanted to in exchange for sex. TOM: ... uh? CROW: I guess he wasn't much of a negotiator under the influence. > Then the elections happened, and Phelps was elected President. TOM: ... wait wait wait. Phelps? As in... Fred Phelps? _That_ Fred Phelps?! > Nobody really suspected anything. Once he was sworn into office, he > changed immediately. First thing he did was to declare America a state > of disaster (Okay, I don't know much about how things like this is done > when a President takes over, JOEL: I sorta guessed, David. > but bear with me, okay?) and suspended the Congress, the chiefs of Staff, > and anybody who could challenge him. CROW: Wow, the voters were so stupid they apparently elected Phelps 'King and Sovereign'. TOM: Bastard! Overturning the Magna Carta like that! > Next he declared open season on gays, TOM : Duck season! CROW : Faggot season! JOEL: ... *guys*.... > stating that God wanted all the gays to be destroyed. Watching the gay > people being rounded up and thrown into concentration camps scared me. > This was not the America I knew. CROW : The America I knew played mellow soft-rock hits like "Ventura Highway", "Tin Man", and "Horse With No Name"! > I had to get away. TOM : I had to fly away. Yeah yeah. > I quickly scored some more drugs, enough to get me out of the US. Leaving > the house, I encountered a group of guys who were coming to get me. > They may have outnumbered me, but my fighting skills were much better > than theirs. In minutes, I put down all six guys and took their guns > and started running. JOEL: ... behold his transcendent 'bullshit method'! TOM: This is why we can never win the war on drugs. All the junkies know kung fu. CROW: Maybe David has Jet Li's choreographer.... > I made my way up to Portland International airport, where I got into > a gun battle with Farlane and his crew. Between us, we tore up a good > chunk of the airport. Airport security even had some serious hardware, > which is how I got the sub gun and the grenades. TOM: Yes, folks! Airport security *regularly* carries grenades! JOEL: Now, be fair, this *is* post 9-11. CROW: "He's got three pieces of carry-on! Get the fragmentation grenades, this could be a long one." > I managed to board a plane to Japan unseen and hid in the bottom galley > area. Once I felt the jet move and go up into the sky, I knew there > was no way they could be called back, because International rules state > that once a plane belonging to another country has left the ground, the > country that owns the jet then takes charge. TOM: Oh, like we're going to trust you on *that*, Mr. Phelps-Could-Be-President. JOEL: And they can't shoot down the plane? Don't they have a Traumatizing David Department to take care of these things? > Japan would be rightfully pissed off if the jet had been forced to land. CROW: And Fred Phelps is the kinda guy who just wouldn't want to piss off the Japanese. > I was safe for now. TOM: Because it's easy to fit in Japan as a gay foreigner! > I closed my eyes and slept all the way there, hoping I could find a better > life there. My dreams were filled with strange things, people inside > robots and a city that went underground. JOEL: Because David, in addition to being a kung-fu master, junkie and gun nut, is also a Newtype. > I put it down to nerves. CROW: ... or maybe all the crack you've been smoking? > I managed to get off the jet unseen and walked away from the airport, > feeling better than I ever had. TOM: ... HOW?!! JOEL: This is when David pauses to tell us the tragic story about how he's a mutant with teleportation powers... > After getting the hotel room, I shot up > again to stave off the shakes and relaxed in my high state. What I had > not known at the time was that a security camera back in Oregon had caught > me slipping aboard the jet. Once Farlane saw that he and his crew flew > to Japan. Because of Phelps radical turn around and piling up massive > civil rights violations, Americans were no longer welcome in Japan. CROW: "Velly solly. We no rike you govelnment, so we no take lefugees. Haha!" TOM: Boy, this is just the command of international law I'd expect from a 14-year-old drug addict. > The Japanese gave Farlane hell, so he left the country only to sneak > right back in and continue his search for me. How he found me at the > hotel a week later was never clear, JOEL: You can sure say that again. > but he showed up and we practically ran into each other. He started > shooting first, and I responded. Everyone cleared out fast, and I managed > to slip out with the crowd. He began to chase me and I led him all over > Tokyo, going through the Ginza, the subways, through the shopping malls, > the business offices, all over the place. That's how I ended up on this > platform, going down to God knows where. JOEL Fortunately, I have conveniently forgotten my strange dreams of an underground city. CROW: ... so, um, back to godforsaken story now? TOM: Yeah, that was only... what? Four, five pages of flashback? > I shifted my position and looked down ahead of me. I could see what > looked like a red glow ahead. JOEL: "Now you've done it! A few more steps and you'll see the old worm Smaug himself!" > "Oh good, end of the line I hope," I said out loud. Nothing prepared > me for the sight I saw when the platform came out of the darkness. There > was a red glow as far as I could see. There was a huge pyramid off to > the right of the moving platform. I blinked at the sight, wondering if > I was hallucinating. CROW : Oh, not the goddamn Illuminati _again_. JOEL: The Neo-Egyptians had an advanced culture deep, down, down, down farther in the Earth's crust, down, down.... > "A geofront!" I heard Farlane exclaim. So that's what the hell it > was. I looked down and saw we were approaching what looked like a > parking lot full of cars. I quickly judged the distance and jumped at > the right time. I landed on the cement and rolled. There was gunfire > aimed in my direction, but I had rolled under a truck in the nick of > time. JOEL : Unfortunately for me, they were smart enough to aim under the truck. > I threw one flash bang and as soon as it went off, I ran for the door > to a tunnel fast. They kept shooting, the shots going wild as they were > blinded. I got through the doors and used a chain I found to secure > them. I kept running down the tunnel and hoped the chained doors would > hold them off. It didn't. I heard the sound of breaking glass, TOM: ... Stone Cold! Cool! > and then footsteps behind me. CROW : Footsteps!! > I could hear the bullets bouncing off the walls and going past me. > One grazed my cheek, opening it up. JOEL: Apparently, while drunk and stoned, he's *really* invincible, instead of just thinking he is. > That hurt. Enraged, I rolled another flash bang down their way. It > went off with a roar and my hearing quit again. TOM: You know, you should probably _QUIT DEAFENING YOURSELF_. > Elsewhere... CROW : Scene transition!! > "Intruder alert in the tunnel parking area sir!" a tech yelled. The > man sat hunched over his desk, unmoving. His hands supported his bearded > chin as one finger pushed his glasses back up on his nose. TOM: Since he was unmoving, it was someone else's finger. JOEL : Damn broken nose pads.... > "Identify," he ordered. CROW : I don't know if I can identify with the intruder, sir! He's a junkie homosexual and I'm not! > "One male teenager, six adult men, all American, TOM: ... their sensors can identify nationality? > all armed with weapons, Commander Ikari. The men appear to be chasing > the teenager," another tech reported. > A Japanese lady turned to face the man. "Orders Commander?" JOEL : Launch the Gundam immediately!! CROW : ... sir. JOEL : ... sorry. > "Contain them, Captain Katsuragi, in any manner possible. CROW : Just jump up and down a few times. That oughta stop 'em dead. > They must not be allowed to reach the Evas," Ikari rumbled. JOEL: ... someone has a noisy stomach. TOM : If necessary, deploy our powerful DOOR technology. > "Yes sir!" she said. Turning to the techs, she began issuing orders. > "I want them alive if possible!" CROW : And don't get any blood on my car! JOEL: This is an unwieldy chain of command. I mean, they're all in the same room.... > Back at the battle... > > I ran on, huffing like crazy. I was way out of shape and knew it. JOEL: You know, it's comforting to me that an out-of-shape person can apparently kill six trained secret agents with his bare hands. > I hoped I wouldn't have a heart attack before I got to the end of the > tunnel. I made it in the nick of time, sliding beneath a rapidly closing > door. Someone knew I was here now. I hoped they were friendlies. TOM: Of _course_ people whose tunnels you blow up with grenades are friendly! > I rolled on the floor into the wall and lay there, out of breath. I > could hear them pounding on the other side of the door. JOEL : This is NERV! We are ordering you to GET THE HELL OUT OF THE BATHROOM! Other people would like hot water, too! > "God, I hope they aren't carrying any C-4 bangs," I said to myself. TOM: ... is it possible that he just can't retain the word for "bomb" in his crack-addled little head? CROW: Nope, I think he's actually a gay teenage Neanderthal. It'd figure. JOEL: "David throw bang, hear bang, hunt mammoth with C-4!" > The pounding stopped and there was silence. I got up and looked in all > directions, picked one and ran like hell. JOEL : If I want to take the left corridor, turn to page 18.... > "This is getting fucking annoying!" I raged as I ran through a doorway > looking for cover just in case. TOM: Oh, yes, being hunted by grown men trying to shoot you down in cold blood frequently is *annoying*... > Finding cover, I rolled into it just as the explosion went off. I looked > down the hall and saw clouds of smoke and knew they had broke through. > "Oh God!" I said. They saw me and opened fire. I fired back, single > shooting the MP-5 dry. I tossed my last flash bang; and amazingly enough > they vanished very quickly. JOEL: I guess he threw a "dispel opponent" flash bang. > I heard the faint sound of the explosion and realized my hearing was > coming back. I turned and ran down the hall towards what looked like a > freight elevator. Rolling in through the doors, I kicked the buttons > on the panel and was rewarded when one lit up. I lay on the floor, > panting hard. TOM : ... Aerosmith lied! There's no love in an elevator! > Gunfire came raining down on the top of the elevator and I rolled myself > into a corner, but then realized the top of the cage was protected by > metal. The gunfire stopped and I watched the indicator move and stop. > The doors opened, and I ran out into a well-lit hall. CROW : Well-lit hall!! TOM: Boy, you'd think the first thing "stop him" would entail would be to cut power to the service elevators.... > It looked nothing like the one I had started the ride from. This one > was painted white with blue stripes at the center of the walls. I heard > footsteps on the top of the elevator, so I turned and ran down the hall. > Farlane was coming, and I needed a place to hide. > > Command Center... JOEL : We must stop this junkie from destroying our base! Final fusion... APPROVED! > "Commander Ikari! The men blew the tunnel door, and they have opened > fire on the teenager!" Katsuragi informed him. CROW : What part of "stop them" do you not understand? > "Inform security that the use of terminal force is authorized on the > six men, the teenager is to be taken alive," Ikari ordered. JOEL : I know it makes no sense, but we are under orders from The Author. > "Yes!" she said. Turning to the computer board in front of her, she > pulled on a headset and activated it. "All security personnel, be > advised the use of terminal force is now authorized against the six > adult intruders, the teenager is to be taken alive. All other personnel > is ordered to lock down their working compartments for the duration of > this emergency. TOM : Secure your cubicles for the coming storm, men! > All pilots are ordered to remain where you are and contact command > immediately!" CROW : Close all shops in the mall! Secure the animals in the zoo! Cancel the three ring circus! > Ikari nodded. "Good. Let's hope they don't penetrate the Eva storage." JOEL : Take no security precautions, though. Let's just hope. > "I've ordered a team of security agents to the storage, sir!" a tech > yelled. > "Well done," Ikari nodded. TOM : Misato, give that man a cookie. > "Continue tracking the intruders, get mug shots if you can so they can be identified." CROW: But your sensors already identified them, and... uh.... > Technicians turned to their boards and got busy as Katsuragi paced the > floor nervously, cracking her knuckles. > Back at the battle... JOEL : I am your father, Luke. Join me, and we shall rule the universe as father and son! TOM : No! I'll never join the Dark Side! > I dragged the wounded security officer into a room and closed the door. > I opened his combat jacket and saw the blood coming out of his shoulder. > Farlane shot him while he was trying to protect me. > "Oh God, I'm so sorry!" I cried. CROW I was just breaking into your building with murderous black ops agents following me! I didn't think anyone *else* would be shot! > "Not your fault, kid. They caught us by surprise. It's not that > bad," he groaned. I stripped off my Army jacket and pulled off my > t-shirt and used them for bandages once I tore the shirt and jacket > into strips. JOEL : Not enough cloth... must tear pants... into strips... perform first aid in underoos.... > His eyes widened when he saw my tattoos and scars. TOM : Christ, look at those track marks! Why don't you just use an IV bag instead?! > "You're the kid from America, David Morgan, the Young Dragon," the > wounded man whispered. CROW : I saw you in the Guinness Book of World Records! I can't believe you traded sex for sex for 72 hours! JOEL : Look, I got confused, alright? > "Yup, that's me," I said. I made sure he was comfortable before I > left. TOM: As comfortable as you can *be* when you're shot, I guess. CROW : Here, have some of my morphine! > "Wait!" the man called out. "Take my gear, you're gonna need it." > "You sure?" I asked. > "Yeah," he nodded. I quickly pulled his combat vest on and checked > the pockets. There were a few more clips that would fit the Ruger nine, > another four flash bangs, a headset radio, JOEL: ... a lockpick, three medical hypos, a Thing Your CO Gave You That You Don't Know What It Is.... > and a flashlight. I lifted the MP-5 and nodded. He raised his pistol > and I went out the door. I turned to the left and moved in that direction. TOM: As opposed to turning left and walking right. > Farlane was catching up with me. I stopped in front of a door and > tried it. A cipher lock protected it. No good. As I moved away from > the door, Farlane opened fire on me. I returned fire with the sub gun > on full auto, running the mag dry in seconds. Farlane flopped to the > ground, my shooting missing him completely. CROW: Wait, he suddenly became incompetent? What, did he begin sobering up? > I bought the chance to run. "You little fucker! I'll kill you!" he > screamed, angry beyond all reasoning now. JOEL: What, he wasn't planning to kill him before? TOM: This time he's planning to kill him _and_ post nasty things about him to his favorite Usenet groups! > I knew he wouldn't stop. A security camera moved, watching me move down > the hall. > Command Center > Ikari rose as the camera showed me running down the hall, shock evident > on his face. CROW: ... wow, first person omniscient. > Not a word was spoken as people watched. JOEL : They were all too awed at my sudden projection of consciousness into a secure area. > "My God. It's the kid from America. His name is David Morgan, and > he's called the Young Dragon because of the dragon tattoos on his body," > Kozo Fuyutsuki, the second in command informed Ikari. "I read about > him roughly six to eight months ago. TOM : _Where_ did you read about him? CROW : Oh, just here and there. You know, Time, Newsweek, Hot Gay Teen Success Stories... -- dammit. > He had been... abused, accused of killing his family, cleared of the > charges, and now they're chasing him again." > "Why?" Misato Katsuragi asked the older man. JOEL : _Look_ at him. Wouldn't _you_? TOM : ...yeah, you've got a point. > "Because he is gay," Kozo informed her. People reacted to that > information. Ikari's fist slammed down on the desk. CROW : Save him! We need all the spare homosexuals we can get! JOEL: Y'know, Gendou Ikari protesting child abuse is roughly on par with Keith Richards cautioning us not to use drugs. > "Then we must rescue him from those... dogs. TOM : Those filthy dogs! They disgust me almost as much as anteaters! > That is no reason to hunt down somebody just because they are something > that someone doesn't approve of," Ikari snapped, his dark eyes glowing white-hot anger. CROW: ... this isn't really Gendo. Someone just snatched Bizarro Falwell and gave him a pair of glasses that wouldn't stay up by themselves. > "The world can thank that jerk Phelps for that," Misato snarled. JOEL : That bastard Phelps and his "Impossible Mission Force"! I could kill them all! > "I'd love to launch an Eva after his ass!" > "You and me both, Captain. For now, we must help that boy," Ikari > rumbled. > "He's wearing a headset, sir!" a tech announced. TOM : He's also wearing pants! > "I hope it's functioning," Kozo said. > Back at the battle... > I was exhausted. I stumbled into what looked like a cafeteria. I > was so hungry at that point I just grabbed food by the handful and > stuffed it into my mouth. CROW: ... without removing it from the packaging. > I didn't care about my manners right then. I spotted a six of beer > and immediately chugged two cans quickly, feeling the alcohol kick in. JOEL: Yes! NERV cafeteria stocks a *lot* of beer! Remember, when you're saving the world, drinking on duty is a must! CROW: Just another reminder brought to you by the Booze Council. Booze: It solves all problems and heals all wounds. > Good, because I was starting to get the shakes. I reached for my drug > kit and came up empty. "FUCK!" I screamed in rage. I needed another > hit and soon. My body was starting to lose control. TOM : So I looked around for anyone's spare Ritalin, or perhaps some sinus pills that I could cook up into crystal meth, or maybe .... > I could hear the voices in my head whispering again. JOEL : Testing. Testing. Is this thing on? > I grabbed my head and screamed in agony. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!" > I yelled. The voices just laughed. I staggered back to my feet just as > Farlane and his crew roared in. I went over the counter as they opened > up on me. I caught a shotgun slug in my left shoulder. That hurt like > crazy. TOM: I have to respect his use of the long-standing tradition that drugs and alcohol lend you battle prowess. Remember on "Taxi", the way Reverend Jim would wreak his bloody kung-fu vengeance on Louie whenever Louie cheated him on fares? JOEL: ... no? > I threw the four grenades I had and got out a side door and ran through > the kitchen. The crew in there huddled on the floor. CROW : Unfortunately, they were huddling from Romanmiel, Angel of Bread, who promptly toasted and buttered my ass. Fuck. > I grabbed two bottles of sake on the way out. I held onto my shoulder > once I stashed the bottles in my vest. TOM: ... okay, this may seem like too little, too late, but I call bullshit on the sake bottles. > I heard footsteps behind me and I turned to see Farlane and two men > coming after me. I had taken out four of them. JOEL : Fortunately, we went Dutch. > Good. The odds were getting better now. I kept going as I fired > the sub gun. I managed to change clips, only to discover I had put the > last magazine in the gun. CROW : Dammit, I accidentally loaded the current issue of "Hot Gay Teens Monthly"! > "Shit," I swore as I ran on. "They're gonna get me now." Farlane could > be heard cursing as he followed me. I ran through an open area and into > another hall. Suddenly I heard a loud voice behind me, ordering Farlane > to surrender, then gunfire. Someone in this place was helping me. I > stopped long enough to turn the headset on. TOM: "HEEEELLOOOOO, GEOFRONT!" > "Is anyone out there?" I called into the mike as I stumbled down the > hall, leaving a bloody trail. I heard a voice inside my head laugh > hysterically, reminding me of the Pink Floyd CD "The Wall" from the > twentieth century. JOEL : Just in case I haven't convinced you that I do drugs, let me reference Pink Floyd as the clincher! > I tried again. "Is anyone out there?" The laughter sounded again. I > was growing tired, weak, on the verge of giving up. I went through a > door into what looked like a medical lab. A woman in there turned around > and saw me there. > "Are you going to hurt me?" she asked, scared. CROW : Are you ready to look at my tattoos and gasp "The Young Dragon!"? > "No I'm not. I need some drugs. Gimme drugs!" I said, body shaking > so bad now I could barely stand. She turned to the cabinet and pulled > out a long glass vial. She held it out along with a clean syringe. I > took them and immediately shot half a syringe into me. Almost immediately > my body calmed down. I was seeing things so much clearly now. JOEL : Wow, I've never seen anybody get high off saline before... > "How does this headset work?" I asked. She showed me, and then ran > out the door. I turned and went out another door. I was comfortably > numb now. TOM: More like "comfortably dumb". > "Is anyone out there?" I tried again as I jogged down the hall. CROW: Moments later, an alien shows up demanding Reese's Pieces. > Command center... TOM: "Ai-yi-yi! Zordon, Lord Zedd is attacking Angel Grove!" > "Is anyone out there?" my voice rang out into the command center > speakers. Ikari rose and picked up his headset and put them on as Misato > and Kozo did the same. > "My name is Ikari Gendo, I am the head of this company called Nerv. > David, we want to help you," Ikari said. JOEL : Look at all I did for my son! > "Forgive me if I seem a little suspicious of you," I said. CROW : Why, of course! I am infinitely forgiving and patient. > "I understand, considering you're being chased by those men who are > trying to kill you," Ikari said. TOM : That's such a diddly-darn shame, when assassins try to kill-diddly-dill you! > "Can I trust you?" I asked. > "Yes. I'm asking you to. We'll take care of you," Ikari said. > "Even giving me asylum in Japan?" I asked. JOEL : Well, *an* asylum. > "Turn on a recorder!" Ikari commanded. "David, at the next corner > is a security camera. Look straight into it and say that again. I didn't > quite hear you right." The video monitors showed me standing there and > looking straight into the camera. CROW : Gendo, this is *not* the time to indulge your confused stoner fetish. > "Sir, I am asking for asylum in Japan. To go back to America would > mean my death," I stated. JOEL : There! All taken care of! Now, as soon as you go out and take care of those armed men chasing you, we'll be happy to give you asylum! > "We got it," Misato reported. TOM : We got spirit, yes we do. > "Good. Now inform the government officials of this incident and send > that video. Hopefully it will be what we need to save his life!" Ikari > ordered. Misato sat down at a computer and got to work. An explosion > got everyone's attention. JOEL : ... oopsie. > The monitors were clouded by smoke. Farlane had thrown a grenade at > me. I saw it coming and rolled into another elevator in the nick of > time. It started down, but I heard the sound of two men landing on the > top. Now it sounded like they were prying the top off. The elevator > opened up and I fired the Ruger through the lights and into the ceiling. CROW: Meanwhile, Arthur soars by, carrying Jimmy Carter. TOM: Gendo will reconsider that asylum thing when he sees how many maintenance men David kills in a week. JOEL: Heck, Misato will reconsider when he drinks all her beer. > Running dry, I rolled to my feet and started running down the hall. > Both Farlane and the last man jumped down into the elevator car and > fired on me, missing. CROW: Of course. We know they're much too sober to hit you, David! > They set out to run me down, but four Nerv security officers rolled out > in front of them. In the exchange of gunfire, they nailed the last man > but missed Farlane. Farlane left the man to die and ducked through a > door. I kept running down the hall, growing weaker by the second. I > went through a door and suddenly stopped quickly. TOM : They keep heroin in the supply closet? I LOVE THIS PLACE! > I nearly stepped off a cliff. JOEL: ... so why is there a cliff in the hallway? > I looked down into what looked like liquid muck. TOM : Gasp! Some sort of liquid muck which has not been identified as a drug and is therefore not as healthy for me as all drugs are! > I wasn't about to jump down into it. It had to be five stories down. > The impact would shatter my left arm for sure, if not rip it from my > body. CROW: Um, but the rest of your body would be okay? TOM: Even if he landed on his _right arm_ his left arm would take the damage. Damn this bizarre soak hitpoint mechanism! > I turned around to see Farlane coming at me. JOEL: Is that stud-- ... I'm sorry, I can't finish that. > "Nerv security!" Stop where you are!" a group of men shouted. At > that moment, a lady came walking through a door. "What's going on here?" > Farlane lunged for her, but I beat him to the punch and slapped him > across the face. TOM: Bitchslap Fu! > He retaliated by kicking the lady in the hip and sending her over the > edge. I lunged for her and caught her in the nick of time. I screamed > in agony as my left shoulder got dislocated and started bleeding massively. JOEL: So when he says he dislocated his shoulder, he means it fell off. > "Got you now, asshole!" Farlane sneered as he leveled his Desert > Eagle .357 at me. I stared down the huge barrel, the fear causing > adrenaline to mix with the drugs and alcohol in my body. I was puzzled > to see his sneer suddenly change into fear. I looked behind me, hearing > a slight hum. A giant robot rose up out of the muck behind me, holding > the biggest gun I'd ever seen in my life. TOM : I was instantly, inexplicably aroused. > "Oh my God," I said hoarsely. CRW : Giant robot with big gun!! > "Don't be afraid," the boy's voice said from the robot. My dream. > It was all coming true. I wasn't hallucinating at all. JOEL : I *was* in a Japanese remake of "The Last Starfighter"! > "You sir, stand where you are and surrender," the boy's voice said as > he raised the huge rifle to point it at Farlane. TOM: But at least he's ordering Farlane to surrender in a polite, respectful way. > Farlane hesitated for another second, and then put his gun on the > floor and placed his hands on his head. Security rushed forward to take > him down. JOEL: "And _that's_ for making that ugly Blair Witch action figure!!" > I could feel myself on the verge of blacking out. Something > picked me up from underneath me and the pressure and pain disappeared. > I felt myself being placed on the floor. > "Shinji," the lady started. > "Father and medical team on the way," I heard his voice from a distance. CROW : Cool, I always wanted to have a dad.... > I closed my eyes for a moment, the light hurting them. Next time I opened > them, there were faces above me. Two women, two men, one bearded, the > other an older one, and a boy. I wasn't feeling pain anymore. > "My name is David. I am addicted to drugs and alcohol. I need help," > I said, ALL: Hi, David! > breaking down into tears. "Please help me, I don't wanna go back!" CROW : So this is the Plan Of Twelve Steps referred to in the ancient texts.... > The bearded man leaned over me. "David, we will help you. You won't > go back. Our promise to you. Now let Ritsuko take you into surgery > and fix you up." TOM : She's got a degree, right? She ought to be able to handle surgery. > I nodded, and then blacked out. > I slowly came to. I could see the outlines of two people standing > above me. "David? Can you hear me?" a man's voice asked. I slowly > nodded my head. "Good. We are taking you to a drug rehab hospital. JOEL: Tonight, on a very special "Evangelion Afterschool Special..." TOM: Oh, they're taking him to that place in Sweden where Keith Richards had all his blood replaced. He'll be fine. > It's the best place we can find for you under our circumstances. Please > don't mention Nerv or what you saw. I'll explain why later. Just trust > me on that." the voice said. > "Okay," I mumbled, and then passed out again. CROW: And, darnit, if Gendo can't trust a half-conscious junkie with the fate of the last, best hope of humanity, who _can_ he trust? JOEL: Alright, I think that's enough for now... [Joel gathers up Tom and all leave the theater.] [Commercials! Terrifying children sell you Nestle's Quik, while the demonic spectre of the cartoon mascot watches on and mocks you with his piercing, beady eyes!] [SOL. Joel walks on camera, drinking a bottle of... Nestle's Quik, of all things. Tom and Crow are watching a TV that's somehow or another gotten set on top of the console.] JOEL: Hey, guys. What's this you're watching? [Crow responds in a soft, sotto voice.] CROW: The fic this week got us into an anime kind of mood, so we're watching some cartoons during the break, Joel. JOEL: Oh? What's on? [Tom is also speaking softly.] TOM: Pog Warriors. Don't talk over it or I'll kill you. JOEL: ... "Pog Warriors"? CROW: It's great, Joel. It's about these two kids named Allen and Henry, and their adventures when they get involved in the glamorous world of professional pog tournaments. JOEL: ... but you two hated pogs. You even set fire to your collection of Battlestar Galactica commemorative pogs a few years ago.... TOM: Dammit, Joel, the show isn't just about _pogs_. It's also about the fundamental nature of competition, the conflict of man vs. man! [Joel cranes his head down at the TV.] JOEL: But you're watching them play pogs right now. ... wait, are those even pogs? They look more like little rocks... TOM: Of course they're pogs!! What else could they be?? CROW: They're just using the Japanese pog rules, Joel. As you can see, the Japanese use pogs in a more subtle and nuanced game than their American cousins do. JOEL: Ohh. Huh.. I thought you hated Japan, Crow? CROW: What? JOEL: ... nevermind. Hey, who's the pretty lady in the pajamas? TOM: Sakura is wearing a _kimono_, Joel! A _kimono_!! And if you're just going to keep _talking_ through my show and saying stupid things about it then you can JUST LEAVE!! JOEL: Uh... sorry, Tom. And I actually can't leave, we're going to have fanfic sign in a few minutes... TOM: Then shut up! JUST SHUT UP! You're absolutely RUINING it for-- CROW: TOM! TOM, you idiot, you just talked over the ending! They said who Henry's next opponent was going to be and I missed it! TOM: -- SEE?! Are you happy, Joel?! Are you happy for ruining the ONE SPOT OF JOY in my day?!! JOEL: But I wasn't-- CROW: Yeah, Joel! What, think you're too good to watch those funny foreign cartoons?! This stuff isn't just made for kids like it is here, you know! TOM: Yeah! Artless, culturally biased philistines like you make me SICK, absolutely SICK! Augh, I've never so disgusted in my ENTIRE life! JOEL: ... you could just tape the reruns.... CROW: Everyone on alt.fan.pogwarriors will have seen it already! TOM: _And_ everyone on the Poglover MB _and_ the Boys_of_Pog ML, not to _mention_ #Pogs!! on EsperNet... god, I'm so depressed just _thinking_ about it.... CROW: It doesn't matter now, Joel... it's over. It's just _over_. JOEL: ... I just don't get kids these days. TOM: Oh, hey, doesn't that show with the tops in it come on now? CROW: ... ooh, yeah! That's just the picker-upper I could use right now! [Joel gives the bots an odd glance and seems ready to ask a question, but... instead, all of the lights and buzzers on the SOL bridge begin to go off.] CROW: -- aw, man! TOM: Not _now_... JOEL: Too bad, guys, we've got FANFIC SIIIIGN!! [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!] [The bots are still grumbling as Joel heads into the theater with them.] JOEL: Look, I said you could order a Pog Warriors DVD... TOM: Joel, shipping up here takes an additional eight months, and the Mads will probably just swap the disk with Dangaizer-3 or Vandread. CROW: ... are you implying something's wrong with Vandread? JOEL: Let's just get back to the story for now, guys.... > I came to in a bright sunny room. I felt like I had gotten chewed up > by the cat and spit out, and then chewed up again for good measure. I > tried to move and found myself strapped down. I laughed weakly. Will > people ever learn? I suddenly felt sick, so I leaned over the side of > the bed and threw up on the floor. TOM: Hooray! This is _just_ what I wanted to see! JOEL: He's just giving the room a nice homey touch. CROW: So he was strapped down with stretchy straps. The people who strapped him down obviously have a commitment problem. > Then I lay back and rested some more. I examined my position and > realized I was strapped down in the classic position, hands close to > head, feet to end of bed. I sighed and then moved my head to tackle > the right one first, since my left arm was completely encased in a cast. > I used my teeth to work the right cuff loose, and then got my arm out > of it. JOEL: Actually, I believe the "classic position" includes "hands not where restrainee can nibble the cuffs open." > Once my right arm was loose, I was able to break free of the restraints. TOM : Dammit, if I was going to throw a maddened fit and injure myself, that was my prerogative, and no godless liberty-bashing doctors were going to take it away from me! > I slowly sat up, feeling my stomach rebel. There was something hooked > on my finger that ran to a beeping machine. I pulled it off my finger > and it started making a continuous tone. I grabbed the stand holding > an IV bottle going into my right arm. I didn't pull that out, because > it had to be feeding my body. I shuffled into the bathroom and sat on > the shower floor. CROW: The word "catheter" has leapt unbidden to mind. JOEL: ... that's not somewhere your mind needs to be going, young man. > I was already naked, no problem there. TOM: Oh, I beg to differ.... > I examined myself from head to toe. I appeared to be okay, except for > the IV, the catheter, the bruises around my ankles, and right wrist. > I turned on the water lukewarm and let it run over me. The doctors and > nurses found me in there. They cleaned me up and put me back to bed > after changing the sheets. I refused to tell them how I got out of the > restraints. JOEL: ...you gnawed the cuffs off, David. Now, I'm no detective, *but*.... > "My secret, bub. You won't need them now, I know I'm gonna be okay," I said. TOM : I gained a healing factor when I became Wolverine, bub. CROW: By 2015, self-diagnosis is the rage in all the better hospitals. JOEL: Hey, it keeps the HMO out of things. > The doctor nodded. "I'll take your word on that. TOM: ... David, did you just use the Jedi Mind Trick on the doctor? > I'll let your friends know you are awake. They will be happy to hear > that." CROW: Staggering around NERV high built friendships that will last a lifetime. > I nodded as he walked out. I wasn't about to tell him what I had been > through in that place. It would cause me more trouble and them as well. > I lay back and closed my eyes. The shower had done me good. I slept for > a few hours and then woke up. JOEL: Then got out of the restraints *again*, threw up, wandered around for a while, composed a new symphony in A Minor, fell back on the bed, and slept. TOM: Oh, and bored the readers. > I had been moved to another room while I was sleeping. This one was > a lot more cheerful with a beach scene painted on one wall and a great > view of the distant mountains. CROW: ... let me guess, they have monogrammed towels, too. > There were flowers and cards on a table in front of me. JOEL : I took the cards and passed the time with a few games of solitaire. > I sat up as a nurse walked in with some food. Sure smelled good to me. > The soup went down good. TOM: Yeah, hot viscous liquids always went down Dave's throat in a heartbeat. > I ate bits of it here and there, not wanting to eat it all at once. > The doctor walked back in an hour later. JOEL : This is boring. Thought of any more action to write? TOM : Nope. JOEL : Damn. > "I am Dr. Ben. CROW : My first name is "Gentle". > I'm glad to see you are feeling better. I will explain the rehab > program to you, and hopefully it will benefit you. I understand your > friends are going to get you into counseling once you leave here, so > your stay here will be short one," he smiled at me. JOEL: ... is this a porn setup? CROW: This scene or the whole story, Joel? JOEL: ... good point. > I can live with that. I really didn't want to he here longer than I > had to. This place reminded me too much of Camarillo and the hell I > went through there. Over the next thirty days, I talked about what had > happened to me and why I had done the drugs and alcohol. TOM: Meanwhile, another Angel shows up and nearly levels the building David's in, but it stops, bends down to his window, and just waves "hi" to him, then continues rampaging. > The doctor was pleased with my progress, but I just wanted out of there. JOEL : I needed to shoot somebody to vent some of my inner badassery, and soon! > I kept my mouth shut about being inside that building, claiming memory > loss. The doctor bought it and didn't push. The day came that I was > leaving the rehab. I walked out the front door feeling better than I > ever had. Everything looked bright and new, and I felt that I was > finally waking up. I stood at the curb until a car pulled up in front > of me. It was the same car that I had found inside the building. CROW : Dude, _there's_ my car! > A lady in her twenties waved at me from the car. JOEL : Well, another day, another reworking of the first episode.... > "David Morgan?" she called out. TOM: "I'm from 'OutRageous' magazine; would you mind giving an interview for our readers on whether you are, in fact, 'off the drugs and high on life'?" > I walked up. "That's me." > She held out her hand. "Misato Katsuragi." CROW : My name is Misato Katsuragi. You drank my beer. Prepare to die. > I grinned. "Oh yes. We have mutual friends I believe." JOEL : And by 'mutual friends', I mean the same bartender. > She smiled back. "Come on, we got to go." I tossed my bag onto the > floorboard of the passenger side and got in. She drove off down the > street. > "I am so glad to get the hell out of there," I said. TOM : Rehab is _hard_! > "We're sorry. It was the best one we could find," she said. "However, > one of our staff psychologists will work with you. CROW: This would *have* to be the first time a NERV staff psychologist did anything approaching 'work'. > I know he'll do a better job for you. We just didn't know how to handle > someone with addictions." JOEL : Ordinarily, we'd just douse you in a tank of LCL and let the impurities bleed out of your body, but in your case we'd end up getting Unit-01 stoned before any significant progress was made. > I nodded. "I'm not angry about that. I assume it was a learning > experience for everybody." TOM: That's David for you-- always looking on the bright side of his degradation. > Misato looked at me with a serious expression on her face. "It was. > Even I was forced to take a hard look at myself, and I didn't like what > I saw. But I changed for the better." JOEL: ... I'd think meeting David would make anyone feel a lot better about themselves.. > "Only way to go," I said. CROW: If you think the only way to change is for the better, you haven't been at NERV long enough. > She slapped me on the knee. "Got that right! Now, first order of > business is to go and meet Commander Ikari at Nerv." JOEL : If he pushes his glasses up and mutters incomprehensible things, that means he likes you! > "I kept that to myself. CROW : Well, except for that nice Dr. Kaji, but I don't think that could count... > Didn't want to add to my troubles in rehab and cause you folks trouble > as well," I told her. > "Good thinking. Glad you did," she nodded. We arrived at a warehouse > and drove in. She pulled to a stop in the middle of the place. Shit, > I was getting deja vu again. JOEL : When I came out of the combat flashback, Misato was lying in a crumpled heap, flash bang burns all over her corpse. > "We moved our entry. The other one was destroyed," she said. > "Sorry about that," I apologized. > "Not your fault," she responded. TOM : The fact that you're gay excuses you from taking responsibility for all the property damage you cause! > I suddenly remembered the security guard. "The guy who was shot, the > one who gave me his headset, is he okay?" CROW: David may be on his way up, but he hasn't forgotten the little guys he passed on the way. > "Ronnie is just fine, he went back to work three weeks ago," Misato > said. > "Thank God. I was worried about him. The lady I saved from falling?" > I asked. CROW : The kitchen staff I terrorized, the lab tech I begged for drugs from... they're still working here too, right? > "Dr. Ritsuko? She's fine too. Returned the favor by saving your life > and your arm," Misato said. TOM : Oh, good! I was using that arm! > "Remind me to thank her when we meet," I said. CROW: What, on your own you'll forget to say "Thank you for the fact that I still have _two arms_?" Geez, it _does_ impair the short-term memory.... > "Done deal," Misato said. We rode the rest of the way down in silence, > my mind busy with my thoughts. I wondered what was going to happen to > me? TOM: My bet is you'll experience things that make your previous bad trips seem like walks in a sun-drenched meadow, only they'll actually be happening. > I decided not to worry about it right now, and to deal with it later. > She parked the car in the lot and led me into the building. I had > flashbacks of the battle. JOEL : I remembered tossing sharpened jade fans at youma while roller-skating -- what kind of drugs was I _on_ during that battle?? > I really wasn't lying when I told the doc I didn't remember things too > well. CROW : Which admittedly leaves sort of a puzzle as to how I managed to narrate them later in excruciating detail after having lost my memory of them! > Misato took my hand when she saw me cringe a few times. I closed my > eyes and leaned against the elevator wall. > "Are you alright?" she asked softly. CROW : Sorry... an elevator killed my parents. > "I'll be fine. Just some flashbacks is all," I said. TOM: At this rate, how can he tell flashbacks from real life? JOEL: He probably thinks he lived about half of "The Fifth Element". > I took a deep breath and let it out > slowly. That did the trick and the images faded away. The elevator > doors opened and she led me into the command center. CROW : Wow, so this is what the Hypnos Building is like! When do I get to be a Tamer? > I stood there in awe. The place was huge. There were computers > everywhere and huge screens on the walls, and offices lining one wall. > The Nerv logo occupied another wall. I tried to count the number of > people in the room, but failed to. TOM: What a day to leave his shoes on. > "Incredible," I said. JOEL : More than five people in a room together? This must be an _incredible_ organization! > "Thank you, David. Welcome to Nerv central," a man's voice said from > behind me. "Glad to see you recovering." I turned to see a bearded man > with glasses standing behind me. TOM : Ah, this Zoloft is working _great_. JOEL: You know, with the faithfulness to character we've seen so far, I fully expect Rei to burst on the scene and insist on demonstrating her new cheerleading routine. > "David, this is Commander Ikari, head of Nerv," Misato introduced him > to me. > I shook his hand. "Nice to meet you in better circumstances this time." CROW: Let me guess, Bizarro Gendo here is going to hug him next. > The man smiled. "I agree. If you will follow me, there are some > officials here to meet you and to have you sign some papers. The > Americans gave up their claim on you once the video was shown to everyone. > You are now an Japanese citizen." TOM : Wow, I _AM_ turning Japanese! > The video? Then I remembered. I had made a statement asking for asylum > in Japan. Apparently I got it. CROW: Here's a little tip, heroin boy - 'asylum' does not equal 'citizenship'. > I grinned as I followed Ikari up to a spacious office. Once the > papers were signed and photos were taken, the officials left. "Farlane > was returned to the Americans in a straight jacket, TOM: Note the subtle commentary in "straight" jacket. > screaming his head off about giant robots. I'm afraid the man lost his > senses," JOEL: Yeah, who's going to believe a story about _giant robots_ in _Japan_? > Ikari snickered as I grinned. CROW: ... Gendo Ikari snickered? And nobody died? TOM: No, but I'm pretty sure I just lost a point or two of SAN. > "I'll answer all your questions the best I can about this place." > "You are going to let me, a complete stranger, come in here?" I asked. JOEL: That's what we're _all_ asking. CROW: David, honey, don't hold the plot holes up to the camera. It's embarrassing, people don't know where to put their eyes. > "Actually, I'm hoping you will join us. What I saw of your combat > skills would very well be useful here. You could help the other pilots > as well," Ikari said. TOM: Today on Evangelion we've replaced Gendo Ikari with Professor Charles Xavier. Let's watch. > "I remember hearing a boy's voice from the robot that assisted me and > the lady," I stated, sipping my Pepsi. JOEL: Now more than ever, the choice of the Ueberchild Generation. > A shadow crossed Ikari's face for a moment. CROW : Hey, keen ceiling fan. > "My son." > "I owe him thanks. I couldn't last another minute there," I said. He > nodded, and then began explaining what Nerv was. TOM : Commander Ikari explained by singing the song 'Earth Angel' to me. I have to confess, I was less confused _before_ the explanation. > It was an organization formed to combat these mysterious beings called > Angels. The robots were called Evangelions, or Evas for short. They > were built to help fight the Angels. The only people capable of piloting them were 14-year-old kids. JOEL: Just because! CROW: And they were named Heero, Duo, Trowa, Quatre, and Wu Fei... > I listened to him talk. It was clear to me now what I was going to > do. TOM : But there was still the question of where I'd find a casino. > I held up my hand to stop him. JOEL : So that's why you accepted me so quickly -- you recognized someone ELSE who was smoking bucketfuls of crack! > "Please ask some people to come in here," I said. He nodded. Misato > came in, followed by the boy, the old man, and the lady who I saved. CROW : Those the people you wanted? TOM: He's as particular in his choice of companions as of his drugs, isn't he? > "David, my son Shinji, the older gentleman is Kozo Fuyutsaki, and the > lady is Dr. Ritsuko Akagi. David has something he wants to say," Ikari > said. JOEL : I killed your baby today! > I nodded. "Shinji, thanks for being there when you did. Saved my life. > Doc, thanks for saving my life. I owe you one. I want to say this. I > choose of my own free will, being of sound body and mind, CROW: ... since when? > to join Nerv in any capacity that I can fill. I swear before you all > as my witnesses, I will never reveal to another person anything of Nerv, > what I see, hear, and do. My word of Honor," I said. TOM: Then, David laid his hand on a bag of doobies and swore allegiance. JOEL: Roll-your-own oaths could really revolutionize the way we join armies. > "Welcome to Nerv," Kozo shook my hand. Ikari was next, followed by > Misato. Shinji shook my hand next. CROW: Ritsuko was busy trying to light five cigarettes at once. > "I had to help. You were in trouble, and you were trying to save Dr. > Ritsuko from drowning in the robot bath," he said. TOM: Thank you, Recap Boy. JOEL : o/` Rubber Duckie, you're the one. You make bath time lots of fun! o/` > Dr. Ritsuko looked at me. "You do not owe me anything. You saved my > life from drowning like Shinji said. I had to save you from bleeding > to death." I smiled as she hugged me. Ikari stepped up to me and handed > me a card. CROW : Here, my card. TOM : It's blank. CROW : Well, we're a secret organization, stupid. > "This is you ID card. It allows you in here and into authorized areas. > Welcome indeed," Ikari grinned. JOEL: I have some doubts about their security here. TOM: Aaaaagh! Gendo grinning again! What, did someone slip Joker Gas into the air ducts?! > "We'll discuss your role later, CROW : So I can't shut my mouth until I know my role? > once your arm and shoulder have healed > up and you're cleared by Ritsuko." JOEL : It'll take us that long to think of where to put you. > "Works for me," I laughed. CROW: Welcome to NERV! The happiest place on Earth! > "Are the other pilots here yet Shinji?" Misato asked. JOEL : ... Misato, I told you never to speak of the "turn all the other Children into Shinji" project. > "Yup, in the briefing room," Shinji said. TOM : I'm sure Captain Picard will want to talk to him. > "I'll escort David there." CROW: Sadly, once David actually learned what a briefing room was, he was very disappointed. > "Good, I'll be there in a moment," Misato nodded. I followed Shinji > out of the office and down the stairs back into the command center. He > led me to a smaller room and followed me in. There were two others in > there, both girls. One had red hair and was cute. The other had white > hair and red eyes and seemed strange. She showed no emotions. JOEL: Hey, a recognizable point of agreement with the canon! TOM: Actually, Rei's hair isn't white. [Joel sighs.] > "This is David Morgan," Shinji introduced me to them. "He's joining > us." CROW : In holy matrimony. > "Another pilot? TOM: Yeah, that's what, fifty, sixty now? > Fine, as long as he doesn't get in my way!" the red head huffed. JOEL: And puffed, and blew the little Geofront down! > Shinji sighed. "David, that's Asuka Soryu Langley. This is Rei Ayanami." > "I'm Honored to meet you both," I said. CROW : So Honored that I am Capitalizing at Random. > "Well! Has manners! I like that!" Asuka said. Shinji just sighed > and offered me a Pepsi. I sat down with it and opened it. TOM: Caffeine and sugar are now David's anti-drug. JOEL: No, HIGHLY LUCRATIVE ENDORSEMENT DEALS are his anti-drug. > "How are you feeling?" Rei asked. CROW : I keep thinking I should try some of it myself... > "Better, now that I'm out of the rehab. TOM: That's it, David, put your best foot forward. JOEL : "Hey, would you believe it? The track marks aren't as pronounced today!" > This is gonna be a one day at a time thing," I said. "Arm's feeling > better, too." > "Rehab?" Asuka asked. CROW : What, you mean Shinji didn't tell you about the whole gay crack whore thing? Oh, that lovable scamp! > I took another drink of soda and set the cold can down. "Yes, rehab. > I was doing drugs and alcohol." She blinked at me a few times while > Rei nodded. TOM : I guess that means I can have whatever quaaludes you didn't finish? > Apparently nothing seemed to bother her at all. > "Why were you messing with that garbage?" Asuka asked point blank. JOEL: No, no, Asuka!!! You hit the "Launch" button for the backstory! Now you're going to hear about the evil psychiatrist! > I decided to get it out now, instead of later. "I was a victim of > abuse, torture and rape because I am a gay teenager." CROW : ...what, and you think that makes you less messed up than any of us? TOM: RED ALERT! RED ALERT! LESSON IN TOLERANCE ON THE BRIDGE!! > All three reacted. Asuka's jaw dropped while Shinji looked > stunned, and Rei blinked in surprise. I felt like I had lost the chance > to be their friend. I stood up. > "Where are you going?" Asuka demanded. JOEL : Sorry, that was my 12:00 Coming Out. I'm scheduled for another one down the hall at 12:15. > "I know you guys don't want me around now," I said, feeling sad. CROW: Get out the violins, guys. TOM: Oh, I custom-ordered a new violin just for this scene. It's subatomic. > She stalked around the table and looked at me straight in the eye. CROW: Seconds later, she pounced, snapping David's neck in her mighty jaws. Although beautiful, the circle of life is not without its brutal side. > "Where in hell did you get that idea? You're gay. So fucking what. > That doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is you've been through > a rough time, you're hurting, and you need friends to help you get > through recovery. I had friends back in Germany that were gay. Nicest > people you ever met. You are not going anywhere. You're staying right > here with us." JOEL : And for that matter, I'm a lesbian. CROW : Ewwww!!! Get away from me, dyke! > Unknown to us Misato, Ikari, and Kozo were listening in on the conversation. > Misato grinned and gave the two men a thumbs up. TOM: ... two thumbs up WHAT? > I couldn't say anything. I was too flabbergasted at her reaction and > what she said. It sank in that she was willing to help me. I put my > arms around her. "Thanks, darlin'. I needed to hear that," I said. > She hugged me back. "Damn straight. JOEL: ... is anyone else having Tom Dyron flashbacks? > Don't forget it, either." > "Be a big mistake on my part if I did," I grinned. > She pushed my long hair back from my face. "David, you're okay." It > was something I had wanted, needed to hear for a long time. I bowed my > head as tears came to my eyes. Shinji and Rei both gently squeezed my > shoulders. CROW: Then the camera pans over to show tears of joy cascading down Rei's face.... > I felt really good. Misato took us out for steaks after the meeting. I > was still sorting things out in my head from the meeting. The plan was > that I'd stay at her place. Shinji and Asuka were living there as well. TOM : We had become a sitcom. I found it funny. > "Nice house?" I asked Shinji. > Shinji just grinned. "I could tell you, but I don't want to spoil the > surprises." JOEL: Yeah, we don't want to waste the chance for wacky physical humor! > Misato giggled as Asuka grinned. > I sighed. "Why do I get the feeling I'm in trouble already?" Shinji > laughed out loud as we walked back to the car. It was nice out. The > evening was a bit on the cool side and the stars were out. I leaned > against the car and breathed in the clean ocean air. > "You okay?" Rei asked. TOM: Rei's always so sweet like that, checking after people to see how they are.... > "Oh yeah. Breathing in that clean ocean air tastes so sweet, the first > real breath of fresh air I've gotten in a long time," I said. CROW: It's the least toxic thing he's put into his body, true. > "Is that a good thing?" Rei asked again. > "Definitely," I nodded. "I feel like I'm finally starting to wake up > from a really long nightmare." > "Then that is a good thing," she said. We dropped her off at her place > first. CROW : Um, our place is nicer than hers, right? > I watched her go and couldn't help but feel that she would definitely > turn out to be a real friend. > Stopping at the store, Misato headed for the beer, and then stopped. > "I'm not going to stop you, Misato. That is your own choice. I fell > into it and it tried to destroy me. TOM: Actually, it made you into an unstoppable killing machine. > Just be discrete with it around me, okay?" I said. > "I will," she agreed. At the apartment building, I followed them up to > the fourth floor and into the house. It wasn't too bad, just a bit of > a mess. Shinji showed me my room. It was big enough, a corner room > with windows next to each other. The bathroom was next to my room and > Misato's room was on the other side. JOEL: HOT HOT FLOORPLAN ACTION! > "I'm gonna hit the bath. Feel like one," I said, coming out of my room > wearing a kimono I found behind the door. > "Okay," Misato said absentmindedly as she put the food away. I walked > into the bathroom to find a big bird sitting in the bath with a can of > beer next to it. CROW: Sesame Street: The Forbidden Tapes. > It looked at me and blinked. I slowly backed out of the bathroom. TOM: See, if this was realistically written, David would assume he was just hallucinating. > "Ah, Shinji, Misato, there is a very strange bird sitting in the tub," > I said very calmly, and then turned around to see Shinji, Asuka, and > Misato rolling on the floor laughing their asses off. I sighed. "Why > do I get the feeling life around here is going to be anything but normal?" JOEL: Good lord, it *is* a sitcom. CROW: Gotta admit, though, it beats the hell out of "Friends". > Asuka guffawed even louder as the bird waddled through the kitchen, > holding the beer can. It stopped in front of me and cut loose a loud > burp, and then continued on its merry way. Shinji howled even louder > as Misato pounded on the table. TOM: ... okay, they've all finally cracked. > "Animals," I sighed and went into the bathroom. The bath did me good. > It relieved pain in certain places that I hadn't used in a while JOEL: ... left big toe, right elbow, and the lymph glands. > and it gave me a chance to think some things through. CROW : ... hey, tastes great *and* less filling! At last! I understand! > I had made up my mind to give this house a go. I just hoped they > wouldn't drive me too crazy. TOM: Gee, David, they're in competition with the evil Department of Traumatizing David that killed your family and framed you for it. I _think_ you might get used to a penguin in the bath by comparison. > I got out and looked at myself in the mirror that hung on the door. JOEL : MISATO! There's a skinny pale gay teenager in your house! > I looked at the tattoos and scars on my body. The large dragon tattoo > stretched across the right side of my chest and around my back. I looked > down and touched my penis that had a colorful snake tattooed on it. CROW : When the hell did I get _that_? TOM: Enter The _Hung_ Dragon! JOEL: Crouching Weiner, Hidden Dragon. > I knew they would never come off; they were there for the rest of my > life. CROW: They'd never come off because mentioning them to the tattoo removal people would be too embarrassing. > I sighed > as I dried myself off with the towel and slipped back into the thin > kimono. Going into my assigned room, I got my bag and opened it up. I > pulled out a few clothes and put them away. I decided to ask Misato > for help in clothes shopping tomorrow. TOM : Hey Misato, do you know a good place to buy pants with dragons embroidered on the crotch? > For now I was tired and needed sleep. I lay down in the bed and pulled > the sheet up over me. I stuck a second pillow between my body and the > cast on my arm. Not only did I dislocate the shoulder, but also the > arm broke in two places. JOEL: That is one vicious pillow. > It would be a long time healing. I dreamed of Shinji that night. CROW : And Shinji kept singing "Roxanne"... I told him I was gonna get out of the business now, that I was gonna get off the streets for him, that I *was* gonna give up that red dress.... > I dreamed of us being in love and being together. TOM: Hey, if you're going to dream, dream big. JOEL : I also dreamed of Fred Phelps dressed in a clown costume and offering me a banana, and then a train went through a tunnel. > I woke up about nine thirty. I stretched out and felt things pop inside > of me. TOM: I felt something pop in my pants. That I blamed Shinji for. > I pulled on shorts and a t-shirt, and then the sling for my arm. I > went to the kitchen and found Misato sitting there. JOEL: Pouring beer on her bowl of Corn Flakes.... > "Morning!" she said brightly. CROW : Very good, you correctly identified it! I thought I was the only one who shouted the names of things when they made very obvious appearances! > "Hey," I replied sitting down. "Any coffee available?" She set a mug > in front of me and I added a bit of sugar and sipped it. TOM: Not realizing that it was completely empty. > "David, how much clothes do you have? That bag you brought in with > you last night didn't seem all that heavy," she asked. JOEL : Funny you should mention that, I need to buy more garments that will help me keep people from witnessing the splendor that is the anaconda on my anaconda. I was thinking maybe starting at Goodboy's of Tokyo-3 for a Spandex grape-smuggler.... > "Very little clothes. I need to go and get some more and I was going > to ask you for help, since I don't know anything about Japanese currency > or how to read the prices," I said. CROW : Or how to speak Japanese, for that matter. Um... no comprehende, Misato-sanchansama? TOM: ... so, okay, seek asylum in a country you can't survive in. God, how much blood flows to that tattoo? > "Darlin' you just too kind," I smiled. JOEL: ... David, why the hell are you ROGUE?? > She grinned back at me and then put a plate > of eggs, toast, bacon, and potatoes in front of me. CROW : Wow, I needed to harden my arteries as fast as possible! Thanks! > She can cook okay. Wait till I get my chance, heh. TOM: Promise or threat? You decide. > We left the house once she had a look at what I had and checked my > measurements. We spent most of the morning going store-to-store getting > me things. This girl can shop. Returning to the apartment building, we > saw a big truck in the parking lot and men standing around. JOEL : Luckily, I managed to distract them by smashing their jeep with a crowbar while Misato drove the truck away. > "Looks like someone is moving out," I commented. > "Wonder who?" Misato said. The apartment door was open when we walked > in. I took Misato's gun from her CROW: ... and why does Misato *have* a gun? Just so that it can be borrowed by any 14-year-old that wants it? > and went into combat mode. I stepped in to see a man standing there > in the foyer. TOM : Then I pressed the R1 button to go into First Person View mode. I pressed the weapon button and released it, sending a dart into the guard's head! Then I dragged him around to get items. > "Freeze," I said as I covered him with the gun. JOEL: ... wow, a giant and remarkably flat gun. > He raised his hands and put them on his head. "Commander Ikari is in > the living room." I put the gun to his head and walked him into the > living room. Ikari was there, sitting on the couch. There were four > other men there as well. CROW: I shot the man and sat down. Everyone looked surprised. I shrugged. "What? He brought me in. I had no further use for him." > "David, you can relax. Nothing to worry about," Ikari said. TOM: Gendo's kicking back at Misato's place with other lovable fathers of fiction. There's Genma Saotome! And look, there's Darkseid! > Misato came up behind me and I handed her the gun. > "No hard feelings?" I asked the man I'd taken down at the door. JOEL: "None," answered poor Ronnie. > "None. I'd have done the same if I'd been in your shoes," the man > grinned as he shook my hand. "Got me good." CROW : I enjoy having my life threatened by insane teenagers! > "What is going on, Sir?" Misato asked. > "Glad you asked. I think this place is getting a bit too small for > all four of you. So we acquired a house for you and the kids to live > in. It's a much larger place, the bedrooms are larger, JOEL : And by "larger bedrooms", I mean "you need golf carts to cross them". > there is a room for weight training, another one for martial arts training, > and a big swimming pool. TOM : I also bought the Danger Room at Chuck Xavier's garage sale, so you'll have that.... > The house sits on two full acres. So you and the kids are moving > there," Ikari said. > "Thank you sir!" Misato grinned. CROW: "No problem!" chuckled Gendo merrily. > "I do agree with Ikari. This place is a bit small," I said. > Misato looked at me. "Why didn't you say something?" > "I didn't want to offend you," I replied. > Ikari looked at me. "You suffer from claustrophobia, don't you?" JOEL : Deathly afraid of Kris Kringle, yes sir. TOM: ... saaaaaay... we've got Commander Santa Ikari, lots of GRIPPING WAREHOUSE SCENES... anybody else reminded of "Space Mutiny?" CROW: Yeah, and bad guys who can't hit anything and a "hero" who can't miss.... TOM: ... you know, the hero of "Space Mutiny" was named David. JOEL: All we really need to make it complete is Shinji presenting like a mandrill. CROW: Oh, I get the feeling we'll get around to *that* sooner or later.... > I nodded. "Yes I do. Last memory I have of them is getting stuffed > into a small box. Both of them had to sit on the lid to get it closed. > They said that they would be back the next morning. When they left the > room, they turned out the light. That's all I remember." TOM: Umm, who the hell is "them"? JOEL: The Evil Therapist Cabal, I guess. > Misato hugged me as Ikari shook his head. "Then it is for the better > that you all are being moved into the larger house." > "I don't want you guys to go to a whole lot of trouble just for me," I > said. > "You are one of us. We take care of our own," a man said. TOM : Thank you for giving me confidence, mysterious voice! > "Captain Misato, JOEL: ... the result of an experiment involving Super-Drinker Serum.... > with your permission we'd like to start packing things," another man > said. > "Go for it. Be careful of Pen-Pen," she said. At that moment, the bird > emerged from the TV room holding a beer can between his flippers. He > ambled through the kitchen, stopped in front of a surprised Ikari, cut > loose a long burp, and then continued on his way. CROW: ...wait, how did Pen-Pen open the can? > Misato and I were laughing so hard at the men's expressions. > "I wish I had a camera for your expression Ikari," I managed to get out. TOM : I wish I had a taxidermist for yours. > "Is there anything else I should know about your private life Misato?" > Ikari sighed. "On second thought, I don't want to know." JOEL: And we freeze-frame on Gendo's expression as the credits roll. > I laughed again as Shinji, and Asuka walked in the door. CROW : Boytoy!! > "What's going on?" Shinji asked. TOM [singing]: And I say hey, hey, hey... heeeeeeeeeey... I say hey, what's going on! > "Your Dad just met Pen-Pen, and he's moving us to a much larger house > by the ocean, " I informed them. Shinji and Asuka both laughed while > Ikari growled. JOEL: Great, Gendou's getting in a territory war with Pen-Pen. Someone get a hose. > "Get packing!" he said. "I'll meet you at the new house in an hour." > We did get busy and had the apartment packed in an hour. There wasn't > that much due to Misato's dislike of a cluttered house. [Joel and the bots laugh. Very loudly. For a very long time.] CROW [gasping for breath]: And, of course... Asuka's devotion to... Buddhist asceticism! [They all laugh some more, then Joel pats the bots on the back as they all catch their breath and calm down.] > "I'm not too big on having tons of furniture in a house. Makes it > look cluttered. I like the simple look. If the house is as big as > Ikari said it is, it will be even better," she said while driving. TOM : We can leave WHOLE ROOMS undecorated! JOEL: I give up. Who _is_ this? It's not Misato, is all I know. > "That's good," I agreed. Shinji and I were sitting in the back seat > of the car. I couldn't help but feel funny sitting close to him. CROW: The snake was doin' that shake! TOM: The dragon was flaggin'! > I wondered if the dream meant that he and I would be together. I > could feel my cock getting hard. His shoulder bumped into mine as we > hit a pothole in the road. JOEL: The pothole of _love_! CROW: Nothing is more romantic than bad paving. > My feeling got even more intense. I had a vision of us lying together > in bed, naked. I shivered from the intense feelings I got. > "David, are you okay?" Shinji asked, breaking into my thoughts. TOM : Like you wouldn't believe! > "Yeah, just fine. I'm okay," I said quickly. Misato looked at me in > the rear view mirror and I could tell she wasn't buying that. I looked > out the window and noticed the scenery had changed. We weren't out of > the city, but had entered a better-looking section of it. JOEL: It had fewer giant footprints in the pavement. > I could smell the ocean breeze ahead of us. The truck in front of us > turned down a long driveway and we followed it to a stop in front of a > large house. Ikari wasn't kidding about the size. CROW: Size *does* matter. > "Wow," I said, momentarily forgetting what had happened. > "Yeah, what you said," Shinji agreed. The house was two stories tall, > done in the traditional Japanese style. TOM: ...isn't the traditional style... like, paper walls and stuff? > I followed Misato up to the front door and into the foyer. JOEL : Then I had to commit ritual sepukku because I'd forgotten to take off my shoes before entering. > Kicking off my shoes, I followed Asuka inside. The rooms were big. > The main living room area was huge, the ceiling going all the way past > the second floor. There were big skylights there as well. We explored > the house while the men moved in the furniture and boxes. CROW: ... they're living in a miniature-gaming D&D dungeon. TOM : Look, Shinji, there's an orc in here. JOEL: Just wait until they find the linen closet. There's 1d4 + 1 kobolds waiting in ambush. > Each one of the twenty bedrooms had to be at least 20 by 20. CROW: 20 of _some_ kind of unit, surely. > "Twenty four by twenty four," Ikari's voice said from behind me. TOM: ... sweet Jesus, he's a telepath! They really did replace him with Professor X! > I turned to see him standing there. "Very cool. I'll be comfortable > here then." > "Good. I hope so," he nodded. I dropped my bag and all of the clothes > from the morning's shopping trip on the floor. CROW: "Then Ikari offered to give me directions to the closet..." > "I'm going to need some furniture myself," I said. Ikari stepped aside > as some men came in with boxes. They opened them up and quickly assembled > a desk, a dresser, an entertainment center, and a computer desk. JOEL: ... apparently the moving company consists of Wally West, Barry Allen, and Jay Garrick. > "Thanks guys," I said as they left. > "You'll have a computer in a day or two," Ikari said. CROW: What is he going to do with a computer? E-mail his friends from Oregon to say "haw haw?" > He looked over his shoulder to check for anybody standing there. "If > you download anything from gay sites, I suggest you put them into a > passworded folder," he said quietly. CROW : Like I do! TOM: ... Joel? I know... I _know_ Gendo's been out of character all throughout the fic... but... but I still want to _cry_ now... [Joel hugs Tom.] JOEL: We all do, little buddy. Just let it out, don't let the story get to you.... > "I will. Thanks for the suggestion," I nodded. Two more men entered > at that moment and quickly set up the TV and stereo systems. CROW: Oh, and then some more guys came in and installed a personality upgrade in David. > I grinned as they walked out. "Cool. Now I can listen to my tunes again. > Love to get my hands on a guitar again," I said. TOM : Your wish is my command! > "You play guitar?" Shinji asked from the doorway. CROW: ... If they start a band, I swear I'll kill stuff. > "Sure do. I learned while I was recuperating from hypothermia and > malnutrition in Oregon. I had found a beat up acoustic and learned to > play. I taught myself," I said. ALL: ... TOM: ... funny, I would think that when you're recuperating from hypothermia and malnutrition, you're usually a little busy recuperating. > "Cool. I had a bass back home. It got stolen from me," Shinji said. > "Just never had the time to get another one." JOEL: _What?_ CROW : I loved that fish with all my heart.... > "When I go guitar shopping, I'll take you with me. We'll pick out some > cool gear," I said. TOM: ... no. No, no, no, this is _not_ happening.... > "The house has a recording studio in a back room," Ikari said. CROW: ... AAAARRRRGGGHHH!! JOEL: Keep frosty, Crow, keep frosty.... TOM: ... of COURSE it does. They built it in, just in case. They had no idea that the captain who's been working for them for years and the commander's own son lived with a penguin, but they knew that David was a rockin' fool! > "Good. Then I can play loud with out disturbing people," I said. CROW: Your WRITING disturbs people! JOEL : It's guarded by 2d6 gnolls, but you can handle them with your flash bangs. > "Let's check it out," Shinji suggested. > "Okay. Let me get my new clothes put away first," I said. Shinji left > the room and I started putting things away. > "David, there is an envelope sitting on the table for you. It contains > a driver's license, a Nerv credit card, TOM: "NERVcard. For when you need to save the world, and American Express won't penetrate AT Fields." > and a checkbook for banking, all in your name. Use them wisely," Ikari > said. CROW: He can't even use his WORD PROCESSOR wisely. I don't have much hope for the credit card. > I stood up and faced him. "Thanks a lot for everything." > "Not a problem. Dr. Ritsuko wants to see you tomorrow for a complete > physical," Ikari informed me. JOEL : Can I have Shinji give me one instead? > "Good. I want to ask her what I can do to try and repair the damage > to my body from all the drugs and alcohol," I said. TOM: I suggest reincarnation. > He smiled. "Good. I'm sure she will want to discuss that with you. > See you tomorrow." He left me alone in the room. I stretched out on > the bed and let my thoughts wander. I wondered how to approach Shinji > with my feelings. I liked him as a friend, and I didn't want to scare > him off. CROW : I really hoped he wouldn't hold the whole 'mass-murder' thing against me. > I sat up and sighed. I decided to let things go and hope it all > works out. I went downstairs to the recording studio. Shinji met me > at the door with a big grin on his face. > "Forget the shopping trip for gear. We got it all right here," he > laughed. JOEL : Some MORE guys installed it! > Shinji wasn't kidding. He opened a cabinet and I counted six different > guitars. He opened another cabinet and there were two acoustics in > there. I opened a cabinet next to me and found three bass guitars. > I noticed one on the chair next to Shinji. TOM : Don't touch it. Don't even point at it. CROW: Gendo must've bought this house from Eddie van Halen... > "Had to get one out and play," he smiled. He sat down and started > playing the opening notes to Metallica's Misery. JOEL: Metallica is _so_ going to sue these guys. > I reached for a guitar and tuned it up quick. Asuka walked in at that > moment and grinned. TOM : Hey, guys! Let's have a rockin' jamboree! > "A drum kit! I used to play the drums for stress relief back in Germany!" > she exclaimed, grinning. CROW: Because nothing eases the pain of the suicide of a loved one like pounding out the rhythm to "Seperate Lives"! JOEL: I figure it's only a matter of time before they have to use their music to save the school. Gendo'll buy them an old barn.... > Shinji and I followed her into the play area and she sat down behind the > drums. She wiped the dust off them and tuned up the drums. TOM : These go up to eleven. CROW: Now Rei will come in and talk about how she used to play double bass to relieve boredom in the vat. JOEL : Fluegelhorn? Why, what a coincidence! I just happen to know all of Metallica's songs and how to play them on the fluegelhorn! > "Shinji, start those notes again," I said. He nodded and started the > opening bass line to the Metallica song. Asuka nodded, recognizing the > song. Both of us jumped in at the right time. I started to sing. TOM : o/` Someone left the cake out in the rain... o/` CROW: Complete lyrics incoming! Incoming! This is *not* a drill! All classical music lovers retreat to your soundproof foxholes NOW! MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE MOVE! > You just stood there screaming Fearing no one would listen to you They > say the empty can rattles the most The sound of your own voice must > soothe you JOEL: o/` 'Cause no one hears you at all, not even the chair. o/` TOM: Hey, will this form the background to their training montage? > Hearing only what you want to hear And knowing only what you've heard > You You're smothered in tragedy You're out to save the world Misery CROW [singing]: Misery! I wish that all the happy people would let me be! Oh, I believe in misery.... > You insist that the weight of the world > Should be on your shoulders > Misery TOM [singing (to the Tune of "Yesterday")]: Misery, Copied from the liner of my CD, pads my fic and lengthens my winkie - Oh, I transcribed, that "Misery".... > There's much more to life than what you see JOEL: ... okay, so the _song_ is the only part of this fanfic that fits the canon. > My friend of misery You still stood there screaming No one caring > about these words you tell My friend before your voice is gone One man's > fun is another's hell These times are sent to try men's souls But > something's wrong with all you see You You'll take it on all yourself > Remember, misery loves company TOM : Where the misery's hers, and his, and his, three's company TOO!!!! RAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!!! > Misery JOEL: o/` Misery! If you're miserable, you must be reading this! o/` > You insist the weight of the world > Should be on your shoulders > Misery TOM: o/` We can form a company, and make misery... o/` > There's much more to life than what you see > My friend of misery You just stood there screaming My friend of > misery CROW: Well, your friend of misery is a dweeb! > (From Metallica's Black CD Copyright 1991) JOEL: Black CDs good. Napster bad. Grrrr. TOM: So, um. Misery. Any questions? CROW: Yeah, exactly why is he miserable? He's been assigned to live with his love interest and he's been _given_ a _large beachfront house_ in _Japan_. TOM: Well, Crow... ah... er... right, no questions! Let's move on! > I heard the keyboards kick in as Shinji played the bass solo. I looked > up and saw Rei playing. JOEL: ... keyboards in a metal-era Metallica song? What's she doing with them, smashing the paneling in? > She did a hell of a job. Misato sat on the small couch listening. I > did the best I could with my arm and surprised myself. I actually managed > to carry it off. CROW : The replacement arm just fell off and I had to walk away with it. TOM: So... are they going to go on the road and solve wacky crimes now? > "Hey, you kids sounded good!" Misato applauded when we finished. CROW: Remember, when your audience is drunk, all criticism is _good_ criticism. > "Thanks. They did great!" I said, pointing to Rei, Shinji, and Asuka. > Shinji smiled. "It was great to be able to play again. Gonna have to > do this more often." > "Once your arm heals up, I bet you'd be awesome on the guitar David," > Asuka grinned, tapping the drums. TOM : Right now, you blow goats! > "I can't wait for that," I said, pleased with myself. I put the > guitar away and went into the living room. The packet was on the table > like Ikari said it was. I opened it up and looked at everything. There > was a brand new wallet in there. I opened it up and found a ten-yen > note in there and a note as well. TOM: ... ten yen? JOEL: ... so, a dime. CROW: Last of the big spenders. > "Hope you can use this. It's considered good luck to put a bit of > money into a brand new wallet when giving it to someone. Hope it brings > you good luck - Kozo" TOM: So David gets ten yen, and we get a Japanese culture lesson. It's a win-win situation! > I smiled. He seemed like a cool dude. I put the > driver's license into the wallet and the Nerv ID as well. Everything > else went back into the packet. I looked out the window and saw the > penguin sitting in the Jacuzzi. JOEL: Pen-Pen is with his groupies. > "Pen-Pen sure didn't waste any time getting himself settled in," I > laughed, pointing out the window. CROW: Proving what we've always known, that Pen-Pen is the smartest person here. > The others looked and laughed as well. I thought for a moment. "Actually, > he's got the right idea," I said, heading for my room. TOM : We should all behave more like penguins. JOEL: ... oh, God, bathing suit scene. > I settled into the Jacuzzi a moment later. The Speedos I bought > this morning fit perfectly. CROW: Look, it's a re-enactment of the Battle of the Bulge! TOM : And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: _hardcore pornography_! > I was glad the cast was made out of fiberglass instead of the usual > plaster. The door opened and I heard the footsteps faintly. I looked > up into everyone's shocked faces. Damn, they saw my tattoos and scars. JOEL : I had to think quickly, to find a way to explain the one of the fornicating geckoes. CROW: They're not shocked about the scars and tattoos, it's that they can see every vein in his schlong through those speedos! > I knew that would happen eventually. I stood up and gave them a better > look, and then turned around to show my back. TOM: You know, there's a fine line between being honest and showing off.... JOEL: GO A SIZE UP! _PLEASE_! CROW : It's twenty bucks if you want me to take off the... oh. Sorry. Force of habit. > After a moment, I sat back down. TOM : ... you have no butt. > "Doesn't hurt anymore," I said. Misato sat next to me on my right, > while Shinji sat on my left. JOEL: And here we are, stuck in the middle with EWWWW. CROW: Across the conference table sat Rei, Asuka, and Ikari. Now let me describe everyone's clothes.... > "I can't understand how anybody could be that cruel," he said. > "People do things when they are afraid of something and don't understand > it," Rei explained to Shinji. TOM: Like, say, giving it free tattoos. JOEL: Rei is deep. Though, compared to the rest of the cast, so is a saucer. > "That sucks," he said. CROW: Ladies and gentlemen, Shinji's life in a sentence. TOM: "You should never have written this piece of crap in the first place," he continued. > "Don't I know it," I sighed. > Shinji nodded. "This really is a nice place. I wonder why this place > is so big, I mean, what are we going to do with twenty rooms?" > I thought about that for a moment. "I wonder if we are going to have > more people join us as pilots?" JOEL: Well, it happens in every other one of these fics, so why not? CROW: Yes, this is the new headquarters of the Londo Bell. David, you're rooming with Christine MacKenzie. Sorry about that. > I'll ask at the meeting tomorrow," Misato said. I stood up and got out > of the Jacuzzi. It was getting a bit too hot in there for me. I went > over to the pool and walked down the steps a little at a time, giving > my body a chance to get used to the temperature change. TOM: Alright, alright, let's just get the thermal expansion joke out of the way.... JOEL: A whole bottle of sake? Piece of cake! Water that's a teensy bit cool? Ooh, tread carefully, Mr. Macho Man. > I sighed once I was in the water. Sure felt good to me. Asuka just simply > dived in. Shinji sat on the edge and put his feet in. I couldn't help > but notice him. He was on the slim side, a swimmer's body. His nipples > were dark and medium sized. Looking at him gave me a hard on. CROW: In the Speedos. I'm sure that'll be easy to conceal. TOM : Hey, you got a pimple on your crotch. > I was so attracted to him. It confused me. I couldn't understand the > feelings going on inside of me. JOEL It wasn't a drug crash, or drunkenness, or being high, or panic, or hunger.... > I turned away and sat on the steps, the water at my chin. I thought > of other things until my erection went away. I suddenly felt hungry. > I stood up and got out of the pool. CROW: I couldn't think of any other ways to begin a sentence. I wasn't a very good author. It wasn't like I didn't know it. I went and wrote this as practice. I shouldn't have posted it. I'm sorry. > "Is there anything in the refrigerator?" I asked. TOM : A week-old jar of mayonnaise and three empty beer cans. Oh, and a penguin. > "Hungry?" Misato asked. CROW : No, just abstractly curious about whether there is in fact anything in the refrigerator. I have no practical use for the information. > "Yup," I replied. TOM : "Growl," opined my stomach. > "I'll put dinner on then," she answered. CROW: THRILL as GETTING A FRICKIN' MEAL explodes across the screen in glorious Crapnicolor! JOEL : And to celebrate our move, I'll use the microwave _and_ the toaster oven! > Lying in bed that night, I couldn't sleep. Images of Shinji's body > floated in front of me. TOM: ... so he's visualizing a headless Shinji? > I struggled to make sense of my feelings. I tossed and turned for a > few minutes more, and then gave up trying to sleep. I got up and sat at > my desk for a bit. CROW: Ah, the excitement never stops. > Then I heard a knock at my door. Opening it, I found Shinji standing > there. "Hey," I said. JOEL: "Wassup?" Shinji said. > "Couldn't sleep," he said. TOM : "Oh," I said. CROW : "Hungry?" I said. JOEL : "There's nothing in the refrigerator," I said. > "Same here. Come on in," I said. He walked in. All he was wearing > was a pair of shorts, like me. He sat down on the couch by the sliding > glass door that went out to a balcony. I sat next to him a moment later. TOM: ... I think I saw this in Fake. CROW: ... why were you watching _Fake_?! TOM: ... why do _you_ know what Fake even is? CROW: ... uh... um.... TOM: That's what I thought. > "What's bothering you?" I asked. JOEL : "I'm hungry. There's nothing in the refrigerator," he said. > He closed his eyes for a moment like he was getting up the courage to > say something. Then he looked straight at me. "David, ever since I > saw you, I've been having dreams and feelings about you." CROW : Mostly hate and revulsion. TOM: Shinji _is_ the Son Of Sam! > I took his hand into mine. CROW: Some strolling violinists began playing "That's Amore". > "Shinji, I'm honored that you feel something for me. I remember > seeing your face above mine the day I got inside Nerv when you guys > rescued me. I remember hearing your voice coming out of the Eva. I > dreamed of you countless times while I was inside the rehab. I hoped > to meet you again." JOEL : I also hope to meet those glowing horned ocelots I dreamed about, too! > "These feelings inside of me... I don't understand them. They confuse > me so much," Shinji confessed. TOM : I know I want to jump your bones, but I don't really know where I'd put it. CROW: Any minute now, someone's gonna offer someone a backrub.... > "Yeah, I know what you mean," I agreed. Something made me look at him > right then. Our eyes locked and everything else seemed to fade away. > Before I knew it, we were kissing and hugging. His arms felt so good > around me. I squeezed his body against mine. JOEL: It snapped like dry bamboo. > We broke apart a moment later. He looked at me with a dazed expression > on his face. Standing up, he took a step away from me. He stood there > for a moment and then turned around. He took my hand and led me to my > bed. He reached for my shorts and pulled them down, freeing my erection. TOM : Fly, little one! Be free! > I did the same for him. I lay down next to him. He began touching my > body. The only touches I had known were painful touches. His were slow > and tender touches. CROW : Wow, this is *much* better than all those times I did it with crack dealers for my next fix! > Tears came out of my eyes and ran down my cheeks. He touched every > scar, traced the tattoos with his fingers as if he was trying to heal > them. He discovered the snake one on my cock JOEL: "Discovered"? Doesn't it cover most of your wang? > and tears flowed from his eyes. TOM : You're an idiot with a tattoo fetish, and that makes me cry. > He stretched up and kissed me, his lips soft against mine. I > could feel things happening deep inside my spirit, my soul, and in my > mind. JOEL: It was like listening to Jewel, but less repetitive. > The voices had stopped. I returned the touches, wanting to make > him feel as good as he was making me. I felt his warm body against mine, > our hard cocks trapped in between our bodies. The feelings were getting > so intense. He reached down and took hold of my hard cock in his hand > and started to stroke it. I reached for his and began to match him, > stroke for stroke. CROW: Unfortunately, Shinji made a _masterful_ bunker shot on the 18th to win the 2nd annual NERV Invitational! > I was getting close. JOEL: Already? Geez, maybe you should change your name from "The Young Dragon" to "Minuteman".... > "Feels so good," I whispered into his ear. TOM: "I know, that's my favorite Chuck Mangione instrumental as well," Shinji whispered back. CROW: Considerate of them to keep the cries of passion down to a low murmur. > "Love you," he whispered back. I felt my toes curl up and I knew I > was about to cum. JOEL: I felt my toes curl up and I knew I had a prickly thing in my sock. Possibly a sliver, thorn, or nail clipping. TOM: After months and months of abusive sex, utter blandness was a welcome release. > "Going to cum," I whispered. CROW: He wrapped a poncho around himself and whispered "thanks for the warning." > "So am I," Shinji whispered back. Suddenly we were. I felt the cum > rush through his cock and out onto me. I felt the cum rush through my > cock and onto him. JOEL: Ah, yes, sticky splats of bodily fluids. The pinnacle of romance. CROW: Splut, splut, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it ISN'T.... > The feelings were so super intense. Once it was over, we collapsed > together. TOM: Although they didn't have that far to collapse, given they were on the floor.... > He looked into my eyes. JOEL : Bath? CROW : Bath. > "Love you," he said, kissing me. Tears ran down my face. He reached > up and brushed them away. I held him close to me as sleep overtook us. TOM : When we woke up, we were stuck together like cement. > END CHAPTER ONE TOM: Dammit, don't tell us to end it, it's YOUR story CROW: ... Chapter ONE? Noooooooo..... JOEL: Oh, come on, guys, it wasn't *that bad*.... [Joel gathers up Tom, and the trio exit the theater.] [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6!] [SOL Bridge. Joel is wearing a white button-up shirt over a t-shirt and dark slacks, and strumming on a white bass guitar. Crow is dressed in a cheap, short blue wig and a disturbingly accurate mock-up of Rei Ayanami's fuku, holding a keytar that he can't possibly be played. Tom is in the center, dressed up like David from the day's story, which is remarkably similar to dressing up like Neo from the Matrix. An appropriate sized electric guitar is sort of strapped onto his body, his hands positioned to make it look like he's strumming. The tune of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" is audible, and definition not just playing over the background. Tom sings in an appropriately soft and breath voice.] TOM: o/` My ass is bad... I have a flash-baaang! o/` [Deep 13. Frank is peering quizzically up at the monitor. Dr. Forrester is visible in the background, aiming the Linger-Cam at a potted plant.] TV's FRANK: ... Dr. F? You better come over and see this.... [SOL.] TOM: o/` Beer and smack make my aim be-tter! o/` [Deep 13. Frank seems to be getting a bit frantic. Dr. Forrester has arranged a Beanie Baby lobster in front of the plant, and is one again peering at it intently through the Linger-Cam.] TV's FRANK: Dr. F! DR. F: Frank, I am _busy_. TV's FRANK: But they formed a band again, Dr. F! [SOL Bridge. Everyone's starting to really rock out at this point, swaying back and forth in place.] TOM: o/` I can amaze you all with my demeanor... and the dragon tattoo on my weiner... o/` [Deep 13. Frank staggers back from the monitor, then screams in terror. He turns away from it and begins running toward the door in the back of the set. In the process, he disturbs Dr. F, who had moved a coffee cup next to the plushie in his Linger-Cam set-up. Dr. F stands up as Frank flees Deep 13, turns toward the monitor, and squints at it in silent disapproval.] [SOL. They're getting to the big finale, rocking out to their utmost as Tom finishes the song.] TOM: o/` IIIIII have become-- comfortably dumb! o/` [Everyone cheers and shouts "Yeah!" and "Whoo!" a lot as the music winds down, obviously very pleased with themselves.] [Deep 13.] DR. F: ... what in the sam hill was all that about? [SOL. Towels and cups of water have been liberally distributed to all. Even the bots, who have them taped to their hands.] JOEL: Well, we got inspired by today's story and decided to make a band like David's. TOM: And sing the song that I wrote about David! CROW: The rhythm was in our soul and it had to get out. [Deep 13.] DR. F: You were inspired? What, no screaming fits or... fanatical needs to kill the author? [SOL. Everyone looks around at each other before answering.] JOEL: Well... no. CROW: This one had its moments, Dr. F, but it just wasn't that bad. TOM: Well, it _did_ ruin Speedos for me, but... yeah, mostly not that bad. [Deep 13.] DR. F: But it had a sex scene in it and everything! You should be raging heaps right now! [SOL. Joel sets his guitar down on the bridge, and starts helping to take the bots "equipment" off, as well.] JOEL: Well, you see, sir, our friend David wrote about a world too delicate and magical to really dislike. Sure, there's little setbacks like your malevolent psychiatrists and international homophobic conspiracies, but deep down it's a world where you and your friends can form a rockin' band, just 'cause they feel like it! CROW: It's a world where beer-drinking penguins aren't just outward signs of one's own twisted psychological needs! TOM: Where every doctor can be a surgeon if they really believe in themselves! JOEL: I know I'd like a world like that, Dr. F, and giving us that vision of us has given me new hope for a different future... a kind, gentle future where traditional Asian fathers can be close to their sons, and Fred Phelps can at least _pretend_ not to be a hateful little toad for awhile. CROW: And no one's stopping you from making that world either, Joel! TOM: That's right, Joel! You could start giving us money, lavish presents, and tips on how to better download porn right now! CROW: Eventually, you, too, could work your way up to giving out expensive beachfront property to favored friends and employees just because you want to. Wouldn't that be great, Joel? JOEL: It would... but some things are just too good to be true in this world, Crow. CROW: ... well, dammit. TOM: It was the beachfront property, right? I thought that might be a little bit too far... [Joel sighs and smiles knowingly.] JOEL: So, what do you think, sir? [Deep 13. Dr. Forrester looks extremely irritated, at best.] DR. F: I think I'm just going to have to try _harder_ next time. And there _will_ be a next time, Mr. Bond! [Dr. Forrester begins to cackle evilly. He stops after a few moments, clearly about to tell Frank to push the button, but then realizes at the same time that Frank is gone. Embarrassed, he lamely tries to build up steam with his evil laughter again while "slowly" and "inconspicuously" reaching out to push the button himself.] PWOOSH!! ________________________________________________________________________ DISCLAIMER: Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters are TM & C Best Brains, Inc. Evangelion is TM & C GAINAX, which means _they're_ the only ones who get to whore it out. Pink Floyd is TM & C… uh, Pink Floyd, I guess. Neon Genesis Evangelion: Enter the Young Dragon and all related characters are the property of David, and are used with his permission. No licenses are claimed or should be implied in the making of this MiSTing, and no money will be made off of it. SPECIAL THANKS go out to everyone who contributed to the completion of this MiSTing, whether it be by helping with editing or by attending the riffing sessions. The most thanks of all, of course, go out to David, who graciously gave permission for this fanfic to be MiSTed. As such, this MiSTing could not possibly exist without him. This MiSTing was the product of the SVAM Live MiSTing sessions. Riffing sessions are conducted irregularly at on server shevat.polarcom.com, port 6667, in channel #MiSTing. The logs from these MiSTings are heavily edited and elaborated upon to create the final, published product, with credit given where it is due. _________________________________________________________________________ > Cocaine became the cure for me. Soon I was using all the time. I > was doing anything for it, even letting the dealers fuck me anytime they > wanted to in exchange for sex.