Mystery Octagon Theater: Episode 110 Elmer Studios: Episode 116 part one [Spoony Bard Mix] "Undocumented Features, Book Two: The Long Road" Original by Benjamin D. Hutchins, Brian D. Bikowicz, and Rob Mandeville, for Eyrie Productions MiSTed by the Scott Faulkner Blues Review: the Black Snotling Nicholas Eckert TV's Gavok Damien "SAMAS" Hailey Asako Hisamatsu James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight David "Ice Fenix" LaSalle Signus Megido Mua Nippy Mark Poa S.D. Ryukage Shelby "Darkheart One" Scott John Stoddert Tiffa ...with special guest writers: Alicia Ashby Alex Fauth Keith Palmer Aided and abetted by Kevin Kanda, Thomas Shin, Anthony Jennings, and Sir Medius Edited with a chainsaw by Thomas Wilde Supa Merging assistance by S.D. =========== DISCLAIMER: =========== Welcome to Mystery Octagon Theater, where self-inserts take on self-inserts in a no-rules steel-cage grudge-match lucha with no holds barred! This is a MiSTing with a non-standard cast, so be warned before you start reading. It's rated R for language, violence, and enough WAFFing to send you into insulin shock. Parents, get your children's permission before you read. Please leave all feedback on this MiSTing at: http://network54.com/Hide/Forum/80982 For our big tenth MiSTing, we thought it'd be fun to recruit other MSTers who've worked on Eyrie Productions' fanfiction. If you're interested in the work of our guest writers, please visit: SVAM, at http://www.svamcentral.org/svam/, and Elmer Studios, at http://www.elmerstudios.com This MSTing begins at part two of an ongoing series. You can read a MSTed version of Part One, by Keith Palmer, at: http://www.dimfuture.net/elsewhere/mot/Undocumented-Features.txt The opening sketch refers, in part, to Mystery Octagon Theater's MSTing of PJ's "Nemesis," a Resident Evil "fanfiction." This MST can be found at our website, the URL for which is at the end of this MSTing. ======== [5... 4... 3... 2... 1... go.] ======== [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches, and a desk, home to a well-equipped PC sits off to one side. There are two Silver Mallies resting on the bench in front of the kitchenette.] [ARLIETH, a young Korean slacker who carries a Shizumaru- style umbrella, and EMERALD, a sharply dressed young man, are wandering around, inspecting the place.] ARLIETH: I don't know, Emmy. I mean, some of these people are friends. EMERALD: One of them. ARLIETH: Well, okay, one-- EMERALD: And only on odd numbered days. ARLIETH: Fine, granted, but my point-- EMERALD: Hey, two Mallies? Neat. Anyway, the point *is,* it's for your own good. ARLIETH: But Dr. Killpuppies said I was coming along just fine. EMERALD: Dr. Killpuppies also says, "Whoops, there goes my thermonuclear reactor again! I think I'll make the tea!" on a fairly regular basis. I am not inclined to trust his medical opinion. [ARLIETH moves off screen to inspect the kitchen.] EMERALD: To wit: what happens if I say the word... "spiders." [There is a loud crashing sound. ARLIETH screams and starts breathing heavily.] EMERALD: Or... "hot zombie love-love." ARLIETH : SWEET GOD, MAN! STOP IT! EMERALD: Or... ARLIETH : HAVE YOU NO PITY?! EMERALD: All I'm saying is, if you and I torture some hapless bystanders, it'll be acting out your fears towards this PJ person, and you'll be cured. ARLIETH : I've had enough of Resident Evil rapefic writers, thank you very much. I don't want to expose anyone else to the bastard. EMERALD: Which is why I've got some nice, clean, palatable Hutchins warmed up. [ARLIETH walks back in. He is bleeding from a small cut in his forehead.] EMERALD: You're bleeding. ARLIETH: Don't talk about it. You'll only make it worse. EMERALD: Nice couches they've got here. ARLIETH: Don't change the subject. VOICE: Hello, gentlemen. [ARLIETH jumps back. EMERALD continues to look good.] EMERALD: Heya, Voice. ARLIETH: We're renting an apartment from a guy called Voice? EMERALD: Just play along. He's cheap. VOICE: I heard that. EMERALD: We're liking the place. We'll sign. VOICE: Excellent. Just step through that door there... [They exit through that door there. Time passes.] [Enter REBECCA, a maniac with a cybernetic left arm and her hair in a plait. She sits on the forward-facing couch and starts flipping through a "Soldier of Fortune" magazine.] [Time passes. LYNXARA enters. She takes a seat opposite.] LYNX: Hey. REBECCA: Hey. LYNX: What's new? REBECCA: Oh, another story review. Really don't know *why* I put up with it all. Why're you here? LYNX: Oh, I was just going to drop in and visit, when this guy... Kevin Kanda? Anyway, he meets me in the hall and asks if I wanted to watch a movie. REBECCA: What'd you say? LYNX: After I brutally turned his ass down, I came by here to talk to you. But if you're working... REBECCA: The only way I'd give a rat's ass is if the Voice dropped an elephant on me. Want a drink? LYNX: Dew'd be nice. [Time passes. RACEWING, a brother with a funky soul and a Roll fixation, runs into the room and slams the door.] RACE: Hide me. LYNX: What? [RACE jumps behind a sofa. The door opens.] RACE: Oh shit. [TIFFA, yet another maniac, who doesn't have a cybernetic arm but does have a chainsaw, runs into the room chased by DARKHEART ONE, an interdimensional policeman. They don't get along.] DH1: You... are under... *arrest* already... TIFF: But I don't *want* to be! They don't give me *cookies* in jail! DH1: You're not going to have any cookies for a LONG TIME, lady! RACE : Sorry. They do this every five minutes. LYNX: We don't mind. REBECCA: If she goes ballistic, steer her towards the TV. DH1: Now, just put the chainsaw down, and come along like a *good* psychotic killer... TIFF : Chainsaw? What... oh, *this* thing? [She starts the saw up with a loud series of revs. DH1 dives behind the same couch as RACE.] RACE: You moron! You're leading her here! DH1: What *else* can I do? RACE: Dammit! I was here *first!* [REBECCA fires a .45 Desert Eagle into the ceiling.] REBECCA: Excuse me, but, we're about to watch a story. TIFF: A... story? LYNX: Yeah. We're reviewing it for a Mr. Tralare and a Mr. Kanda. TIFF: Oh, I *bet* you are. Hey, Emmy! You hear me? EMERALD : Yes, oh Princess of the Powertools. TIFF: Funny. You sent that note, didn't you? EMERALD : No need to be so testy. I mean, it's for Arly's mental health. DH1: Arlieth's mental health could be improved with a lobotomy. ARLIETH : That is *no* way to talk to your MAD! EMERALD : That's it! Get into character! These are mere Rhesus monkeys compared to your sheer intellect! ARLIETH : Yeah! And after this is done, I'm going to make you eat popcorn! Without butter! EMERALD : What are we? ARLIETH : MEAN MAD MACHINES! [Meanwhile...] REBECCA: Hey, Yuri-In-A-Jar, who the hell are these people? VOICE: I'm, ah, lending the apartment out to some associates of mine for the day. REBECCA: So you don't need me, huh? VOICE: Actually, you'll be reviewing with them. REBECCA: Great, an experiment in the company of loons. VOICE: Review. REBECCA: Whatever. TIFF: That was odd. So. What're we waiting for? [The door swings open and GAVOK, the tall loon in the hat, the MULTIMEDIOCRE KNIGHT (MMK), some Canadian dude in a red tux, the BLACK SNOTLING (TBS), a goblinoid in a *black* tux, opera cape, and a fedora (so the LOONS have this tux fixation) and THE MULTIMEDIOCRE KNIGHT DOLL enter, albeit rather unsteadily in the case of the latter.] GAVOK: Did we lose them? MMK: Yeah. I think so. TBS: I hope so. I mean, this is the last room in this floor. MMK DOLL: ... MMK: I know, little buddy. I know. GAVOK: What did we do? TBS: I think we should have stopped and thought before the toaster. MMK: But we *had* to do the toaster! We're *artists*! TBS: That's another thing I'm shaky on. What *are* our artistic aims? GAVOK: We don't have to explain! It's DADA! TBS: But... GAVOK, MMK: DADA! TBS: All I'm saying here is-- MMK DOLL: ...! MMK: You tell 'im! GAVOK: I think we did lose them. MMK: Throwing them some Hostess Fruit Pies helped, I'm sure. TBS: My fruit pies. MMK: DADA! TBS: Fine. [The others stare in openmouthed shock during this.] DH1: Oh boy. TIFF: Great Ahura Mazdra's sake... RACE: I'm going to get hurt. And put in a dress. Again. REBECCA: I see. LYNX: I'm sorry... have we met? [The LOONS turn around to see the company gathered here today. Or suchlike purple prose.] TBS: Hey! Guys! It's Lynxara! MMK: Hey! Lynxara! Gavok, look! It's Lynxara! GAVOK: Cool! Lynxara! Who's she? TBS: *Dude!* She's personal best buddies with Bret Hart! [GAVOK digests this.] LYNX: Actually, that's-- TBS, GAVOK, MMK : We're not worthy! We're not worthy! We're not worthy! LYNX: Oh boy. [The intercom kicks in.] ARLIETH : And just *how* did you Dexy's Midnight Runner's rejects get here? EMERALD : I like that. Keep it up. MMK: Well, we *would* explain, but... LOONS: Dada! EMERALD : Funny guy. Pity your funny bone won't last long! ARLIETH : That's right! For today... today shall live in INFAMY! For today is the day you shall see... EMERALD, ARLIETH : UNDOCUMENTED FEATURES 2! The Long Road! GAVOK: Yeah, that'd do it. ARLIETH : So settle down and knuckle under for some serious PAIN, Hutchins style! MMK: What'd I say? TBS: Dada? MMK: Before that. TBS: Oh, "Hey, we'll replace the stereo, really, ma'am." MMK: Before that. GAVOK: Let there be light? MMK: Too far. [The others are still in openmouthed shock. The credits for UF2 begin to roll.] ARLIETH : How'd I do? EMERALD : Pretty good. Keep it up and you'll be the Cat's PJs. ARLIETH : ARRGH! ======== > GRM Reaper Productions, TBS : I am Gary... the Grim Reaper. Don't laugh. > Uninc. > in association with LYNX: ...Quentin Tarantino's Rolling Thunder Productions... > British-AnimeTech Limited TBS: Don't they make hugeass robots or something? REBECCA: That's Robotech. And that was American. TBS: Hey. I was close. REBECCA: No, British Animetech developed the Anime-TSR.2. Unfortunately it was cancelled in favour of buying the Anime-F-111K. > presents MMK: Yay! Presents! > A PsychoMental Production DH1: Which is what I'm gonna be in half an hour. > A Virtual Non-Film LYNX: A big pretentious line of pointless titles! RACE: A *virtual non*-film. [pauses] Does that mean it doesn't exist? GAVOK: No. It means you pay an over-inflated price for its shares and then the market drops out from under you. RACE: Hey! Amazon'll be big one day! You just watch! > Benjamin D. Hutchins TBS: Hey, guys! It's Hutchins! Remember him? MMK: Yeah! He had that dog! LOONS: YAY! FURY! REBECCA: You guys are weird. TIFF: [grumbles] Get used to it. > Brian D. Bikowicz TBS: He'll be providing the lighters. RACE (Vince McMahon>: I don't shake hands with attorneys. > Rob Mandeville, Contributing Editor GAVOK : Everything else... is Mandeville. > The Long Road GAVOK: Insert Robert Frost joke here. TIFF: Gavok, that's "The Road Less Traveled." GAVOK: ...I need a point, here? MMK : Allow me to point you to the long road less taken. Or I could road you to the less taken long point. And I believe we've reached the point where we've rode the point off the road again. TIFF: This is going to be a long night. REBECCA: Well, at least there's no '60s easy listening this time. > Book Two of Undocumented Features GAVOK: Bound in flesh. Inked in blood. LYNX: Volume III of "Great Shames of the Internet." RACE: But if it's Undocumented... DH1: Don't say it. RACE: Fine. Be that way. > THE CAST RACE: Hey, it's over! Well, it did suck, but at least it was short. TIFF: Sit down, Racewing. Sit down. TBS: Opening credits. For a fan fiction. Someone other than Gavok, hold me. TIFF: Don't even *think* it. TBS <^_^ing>: Interestingly, I didn't. > Benjamin D. Hutchins Gryphon/Ben MMK: In a role that will *stretch* his talents! LYNX: Hey. House rule. Be *nice* to the author, until proven guilty. MMK: Hey. House rule. Canadians get free Dew. [LYNX throws him a Mountain Dew.] MMK: Groovy. GAVOK: Hey, I'm Canadian! MMK: You are? GAVOK: Purely in the Mike Awesome sense of the word. MMK: Ah. GAVOK: But *still*! REBECCA: I think I was Canadian in one of my backstories. *Think*. It's kind of hard to remember. > Brian D. Bikowicz MegaZone TIFF: Is "Mr. Bikowicz" better or worse than 'Zoner'? REBECCA: "Mr. Bikowicz" part two was pretty good. Part three sucked, though. I mean, Brian as the brain of the master computer? Who thought that crap up? > Rob Mandeville ReRob MMK: Wash the deck! Rob the hatchets! GAVOK: But we already Robbed the hatchets! MMK: Then *ReRob* the hatchets! We'll teach those hatchets! > Kei Morgan Kei TIFF: Her favourite friend is her cousin the Captain. > Yuri Daniels Yuri TIFF: And *her* favourite friend is her cousin Jack. MMK: What about I Palindrome I? TIFF: And *you* be quiet. DH1: Tiff, could you stop spelling things British? It's irritating. MMK: Hey, you shut your mouth about the British spelling! DH1: Huh? MMK: After all, it's closer to the Canadian spelling then that American crap. RACE: Hey! TBS: Actually, I agree with MMK. RACE: You're Canadian? TBS: Purely in the Elix Skipper sense of the word, yes. [RACE holds his head.] > Rob Crocker Crocker LYNX : Crocker! REBECCA : Rob Crocker Crocker! LYNX, REBECCA, MMK, GAVOK, TBS : King of the Wild Frontier! > John Todd Macquivr/q TBS : Lay ivr, Macquivr, I've had enivr. [A beat.] TIFF: The *hell*? > Adam Johnson Pfloyd/Adam RACE: This episode brought to you by Pflubber. Pflubber copyright Pfrinkinstein, Inc., a subdivision of Pford of America. MMK: Hey, Gavok! GAVOK: What? MMK: Pfuck you! GAVOK: Yeah? Well, pfuck you too! REBECCA: Please watch the language. There are New Zealanders present. > Andrew Petrarca Android TBS : Androids... everybody needs good Androids... TIFF: Hey, he invented base-eight-ball! Break him in half! > Kevin Tefft Kevin DH1: Why can't he be called Tefft? Tefft's got all sorts of badassness to it. TIFF: He can't be called "Tefft" because you suggested it. DH1: Well, pfuck. REBECCA: Maybe if they called him Tefftka. RACE: Wasn't that the author of "A Sorceress, a Demon, a--" LYNX : Don't *mention* that. RACE: Sorry. > Largo Largo DH1: --bo Bargo! Banana fanna fo Fargo! Me my mo Margo! Largo! LYNX: Should I assume he's related to Mario Mario? GAVOK : I taKE CAre oF the plACe while the MASter is aWAY. REBECCA: And our next contestant is Largo Largo from Fargo. So, Largo, how's things? RACE : Oh yah, t'ings is pretty good. Oh, sure, we got a few bloody murders and such, but otherwise it's pretty okay. Looks like it might snow a bit later, though. > Jennifer Steen Jenna TBS: One half of the team "Sapphire and Steel." DH1: You too could win! Jen! Steen's! Money! > Matt Jaffe Matt MMK, GAVOK: MUTT AND JEFF! MUTT AND JEFF! MUTT AND JEFF! > John Trussell John/Truss REBECCA: So *that's* where he's from! GAVOK: John Trussell recently made a comeback, in such films as _Pulp Fiction_ and _Face/Off_. However, now he's being ignored after fronting "Battlefield Earth." MMK: No, that's John Travolta. GAVOK: Then he's a small, rare, expensive fungi that needs to be ferreted out with special pigs. MMK: No, that's a truffle. GAVOK: Ah! He must be small and insignificant! MMK: No, that's Robbie Williams. TBS: I think you mean a "trifle." MMK: Same thing. GAVOK: Then I don't know who the heck John Trussell is. MMK: He's the noise you hear in a bush at night. GAVOK: Oh! Okay! LYNX: But that's a *rustle*, not... are they always this bad? TIFF: They're just getting warmed up. LYNX: Oh, *goody*. REBECCA: This is like hanging around with Dan and Tango... only with higher IQs. I'm going to love it. > David Ritchie Daver TBS : They're *dead*, Daver. All dead. DH1 : Rimmer? TBS : He's dead, Daver. Daver, they're all dead. > Helene Andersson Helene DH1 : One of these things doesn't go with the other! One of these things just doesn't belong! GAVOK: Betcha she does a mean spinebuster. TIFF: Gavok... RACE: It must've been the costumes that did it for them. Everyone knows that Kasumi is just naturally better. > Christopher Noel Smith Chris/Logan/Xmas MMK: Join us for a Very Special Logan Chris/Xmas. TBS : I can't reach the top of the tree. LYNX: This guy gets *three* k3wl code-names? Geez, give him an anime chick and he's already cooler than Hutchins. REBECCA: Cooler than Hutchins? Not allowed! Off to the dungeons with you. > Gary Whitten Grendel DH1: I heard he died after this was written. A Viking yanked off his arm. TIFF: Tragic, that. > Vaughn Gross Vaughn/ RACE: See Gross. See Gross vaughn. Vaughn, gross, vaughn. > Paladin/Reality TBS : There are those that say that life is an illusion-- MMK : --like your neck-- TBS : and that reality is but a figment of the imagination. MMK : --like your neck. > Erik Swimm Erik/easwimm TBS : I-and-I be a swimmin' in de Ocean, mon! REBECCA: You do the *worst* Jamaican... TBS: I'm Kiwi. It's what we do. > Fritz Koopman MMK: Hey, hey! We're Hangin' with Mr. Koopman! GAVOK: Welcome Back, Koopman! REBECCA: Kooperman! Strange visitor from another planet with powers far beyond mortal Koopas! > Fritz > Mark Luchini Mark/Haywire TIFF: For some reason, I have a strange yearning for pasta. MMK: It's around that time, huh? TIFF: *Now* I know what I'm forgetting! We've been here ten minutes, and I haven't killed you yet. MMK: I *told* you Anger Management was the way to go! TIFF : I haven't *had* Anger Management! MMK <^_^ing>: Obviously not! [TIFF's hands begin involuntarily flexing.] > Mike Callaghan Mike/Archon LYNX: You've overstepped your boundaries, Callaghan! > Chris Sprague Chris/Phantom TBS: So he's the guy who re-did Conan by day and the Phantom, Ghost Who Walks at night? > Paul Ard Paul DH1: That Paul. He's dead, 'Ard. > Lord Fahrvergnugen Wolfgang MMK: I don't want to see his "Author's Notes" section. GAVOK: Why not? MMK: There'll be too many! [MMK and GAVOK break into hysterical laughter.] TIFF: ...this is going to get worse before it gets better. > Decker Decker TBS: Taco taco. > Iczer-1 Iczer-1 > Iczer-2 Iczer-2 DH1: ...Iczer-3, floor! TIFF: Iczer is not a brand of tequila. DH1: Damn. LYNX: ...God help me, he's using *Iczer*? Christ, why not just throw in Minky Momo to this crossover clusterfuck and *completely* destroy my will to live? REBECCA: After you with the shotgun, Lynxie. > The Wedge Rats The Wedge Defense Force LYNX: ...and Jerry Mathers, as the Beaver! TIFF: This is going to be bad. I can feel it in my marrow. REBECCA: Special uncredited guest appearance by Robert DeNiro as Wedge Rat Three. > Special Visual Effects by Your Brain On Drugs, Inc. GAVOK : I was halfway through the opening credits when the drugs kicked in. > Destruction by MMK: --Austin 3:16 Deconstruction. GAVOK : Ya know, I've always been better at taking things apart. TBS: BOOM! > Joe Martin Destruction Systems International GAVOK: Padding by Ben Hutchins Trying to Sound Official. REBECCA: Closely related to Steve Martin Comedy Destruction Systems. LYNX: All your comedy destroyed, or your money back! > Cooler Neo-TechTronic Things by British-AnimeTech, Limited TBS: See! Robots! REBECCA: I *told* you, you're *wrong*! > with the exception of > The Mann Systems Series 101-E Bio-SculptTM Tank by Larry Mann GAVOK: Larry Mann! He came from the east to do battle with the Amazing RANDOOOOO! > Background Music Performed by the Macross City Philharmonic RACE: Surprisingly, Yoko Kanno declined to be involved. LYNX: Yeah, but they got Chihiro Yonekura for the OP and Megumi Hayashibara for the ED, so they're at least on par with Love Hina... which, on second thought, means we're all about to suffer very deeply anyway. TBS: See! *Robots!* REBECCA: Can I hit him? TIFF: Why not? I do. RACE: Who doesn't? DH1: It's like a recreational activity. MMK: So it may be addictive, then. [Silence. RACE, REBECCA, TIFF and DH1 look at each other.] TBS: Whoa. Thanks, Knight. > From an Original Story by Benjamin MMK: Size 36 double... > D. Hutchins, Brian D. > Bikowicz, and Rob Mandeville TBS: I say I say I say! GAVOK: What do you say what do you say what do you say? TBS: My dog has no nose! GAVOK: No nose? How does he smell? TBS: Awful! DH1: Snot? TBS: Talk to me. DH1: *Mande*ville. Not *Vaude*ville. TBS: ...oh. > Kei and Yuri Created by Haruka Takachiho DH1: And boy, is he *pissed*... REBECCA: Re-made by Adam Warren. > Additional Editing by Vaughn Gross, Erik Swimm, and Daver LYNX: All that additional editing, and I bet it's still not nearly enough. > "Shoot that ship! Blow that up! KIIIIILLLL THEEEMMMMMMM!!!!!" GAVOK : Keep firing, assholes! REBECCA: Somehow, I suspect we've got a lot of assholes on this ship. > Stolen From a Story by Christopher Noel Smith GAVOK: And remember, when someone steals your lines, don't take the law into your own hands; appear in a self-insertion story. REBECCA: It's not theft, it's a homage. > Counselor for Zoner, Jenna TBS: I thought he was "Mr. Bikowitz" now. DH1 : Five minutes, that lasted. > Counselors for Gryphon, Vaughn and Kei TIFF: ... I'm pretty sure Ben doesn't even know what he's talking about at this point. RACE: Lucky bastard. MMK: The guy must be pretty psychologically warped if he needs more than one counsellor. REBECCA: One of his counselors is a fictional character. Man, you have problems. LYNX: I said no belittling authors yet. Just belittle his association with this story. MMK <^_^ing>: We're just *saying*. > Dialogue for SDF-17's AI Stolen from Mrs. Hutchins' Buick MMK: Which was driven by FURY! LOONS: YAY, FURY! > Catering by Denny's MMK: Nobody innocent eats at Denny's. > Inspiration by C-Term, NineInchNails, GAVOK: Choi inspires me too! MMK: Lugan. LYNX: Well, at least he's not dragging any *good* industrial bands into this. REBECCA: Oh look, he's cramming his musical tastes down our throat. > and Pink Floyd TBS : We don't need no, education! DH1 : We don't need no, arms around us! > Plenty of Hassle by PFS: Professional Write DH1: Ah, but take heart! In a mere decade, you'll get *Microsoft Word* --take it or leave it. > Extra Special Thanks to PepsiCo, Makers of Mountain Dew MMK: Which is all well and good if there's no Jolt available, I suppose. House Rule! [LYNX tosses MMK a bottle of Mountain Dew.] MMK: Hootie hoo. > and > Smartfood Inc., Makers of, Well, You Know, Smartfood. DH1: Well, crap. I thought they made-- TBS: Robots! REBECCA: Is Smartfood like Soylent Green? > Extra Special Letter Bomb to Whomever Invented Dawn > "AAUUGGHH!! Photons!! The Sun is Way too Loud Today." LYNX: You know, they say word salad is a major symptom of schizophrenia, Ben... [RACE stands up.] RACE: Okay, I'm asking it first. What the hell IS THIS?! Microsoft Word, Pink Floyd, First-Last-First, and acknowledging Pepsi! What the flaming hell is going *on*? MMK: It's the horrifically bloated opening credits of a Ben Hutchins Self-Insertion fic. Duh. RACE: Oh. Thank you. [RACE sits down.] MMK: And it should be "charbroiled fuck," not "flam--" RACE: All right! All right! > Mr. Bikowicz's Wardrobe by Blackbird Intl. LYNX: Oh. So that's why he looks like the X-Men's plane. REBECCA: Extra costumes by the BBC costume department. > Mr. Hutchins' Wardrobe by "Where Did You Get That?" GAVOK: In association with "You Can't Do That on Ballad." MMK: That's a point for new right there. GAVOK: And that's a pint for retro. TBS: Whoa. I understand. GAVOK : Or maybe you *over-sit*. TBS: *Whoa*. > GmbH. RACE: "GmbH?" "GmbH?" LYNX: What's *that* stand for? MMK : Gmbh. Gmmbh. Gmm...bh. Bah? Gmmbah. Gmm... Gum... goom... goom! Goomba! GOOMBA! GAVOK: GOOMBA! TBS: GOOMBA! MMK: *GOOMBA*! RACE: Guys, I *think* it might be an *abbreviation*, not-- MMK: *GOOMBA*! GAVOK: *GOOMBA*! TBS: *GOOMBA*! [MMK, GAVOK and TBS put on Goomba masks and walk sideways.] LYNX: What *is* this? TIFF: They're still warming up. REBECCA: Yike. [pauses] I suppose I could point out that it's in German, and is used to designate a company name, but I'd probably just be ruining all the fun. GAVOK : Yeah, you would. > Entertainment by the Disney Afternoon LYNX: See? This fanfic is proof that shows like "Bonkers" and "Quack Pack" are contributing to the downfall of Western civilization. REBECCA: Parents, this may be a good time to stock up on tinned food and shotguns. > Role Model Provided by Darkwing Duck RACE: Hey, this might be all right. > Publishing by Eyrie Publishing Co., NotEvenCloseToInc. TBS: So they wrote it in pencil. Ow! Quit it! MMK : That joke was so obvious, it was... EYRIE! RACE: You brought *that* joke back? MMK: It's a classic! > Copyright (c) 1992 Benjamin D. Hutchins, Brian D. Bikowicz, LYNX: Legal services by Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe. REBECCA: No Self-Inserts were harmed in the making of this 'fic. Void where prohibited by law. First country of publication Albania. Discard unused portion of fic. > and Rob Mandeville GAVOK: MANDEVILLE CLAW! [starts choking TBS] TBS: Gaah! > This one is again for all the people out there who love SF, MMK: Guys. He's talking to us. DH1: Is it rude to give it back in a different wrapping? LYNX: Guys! Nice to the author! > anime, and the marvelous concept known as "write yer own". TIFF : We hate you. Thus, we wrote this fic. > But more than that: > For Kei and Yuri LYNX: For people who don't really exist, but are still better than real people anyway. > Ben: REBECCA: ...the two of us need seek no more. > For Zoner, who didn't let me down when my darkest hour came. GAVOK : The darkest hour came... but Zoner had a bong. REBECCA : And now... light our darkest hour! > For Vaughn, who helped me deal. RACE : So, explain this to me again? MMK : First you shuffle the cards, then you pass one to each player... TBS : No, no, Ben, not to the cops. > For Geoff Depew, MMK: *That*'s an unfortunate last name. DH1 : This is my friend, Geoff Depew. Hey, stop snickering! > who liked the first one so much he came to > Worcester and hung out for a week. LYNX: But did he buy the company? REBECCA: Granted, he kept hitting every flat surface in sight trying to trigger a transformation sequence... > I hereby proclaim him a > Wedge Rat. GAVOK: C'mon, he's not that bad. MMK: Dude, he meant that as a compliment. GAVOK: What? What the hell is wrong with these dudes? DH1: I can just picture twenty kids crowded around a computer in a small dark room in Massachusetts, yelling at a typist to write random crap, and this coming out. > For Angus the Wonder Truck. 'Nuff said. TBS: *What*? LYNX: It's on after "Los Luchadores." TBS: Ahhhhhhh. Gotcha. > For Daver, Helene, and Erik, who GAVOK: --can bend steel with his MIND! MMK: I don't think he means that Erik. GAVOK: So? MMK: Exactly. [RACE and DH1 hold TIFF back.] TIFF: Must... kill... > drove to my house and back > for no apparent reason one weekend. LYNX : I am puzzled as to why they just pulled into the driveway and then left, but I am grateful for their short visit nonetheless. > The most fun I had all > term. We gotta do it again. MMK: I get the feeling that Hutchins doesn't get out enough. TBS: Dude. He works night shifts, remember? That's how come he has time to write this. MMK: You know this how? *Get away!* TBS: Come on, Knight! MMK: "Knight?" What's this "Knight" stuff? TBS: That's your *name*. MMK: But we call each other "Dude!" We've *always* called each other "Dude!" TBS: Tell you what; I'll call you "Dude" on weekends. MMK: A *weekend* dude? Back! *Back*! I don't *know* you anymore! [Silence.] REBECCA: Wasn't that the Doonesbury this Sunday? MMK: Shhh! Shhh! TBS: Aw. *Shit*! You ruined it! REBECCA: Sorry. MMK: I mean, we go to *all* this trouble to set up the reference, and-- REBECCA: I'm *sorry*! > For the Net! You love our work. We love you. :-] GAVOK : He's bringing us love! Break his legs! > For Randy, who is still comfortably numb. LYNX: For Randy, who doesn't deal with such petty inconveniences as "emotions." > For Eve, the best singer around. RACE: Around *where*? *Millinocket, Maine*? REBECCA: And in Mr. Bikowicz pt. 3, it turns out that all history is ret-conned, and EVE's a real person after all. > For R.E.M. TIFF: For standing in the place where they live. DH1: And putting a man on the moon. TIFF: And for standing in the spotlight-- DH1: --choosing their confessions. > For E7, for making me welcome. MMK: For L7. I'm making their shitlist. TBS: For U2, for elevating my soul. DH1: For Eve 6. Thanks for *nothing*, Eve 6! I hope you *die*! LYNX: For Aunt May and Uncle Ben, for teaching me that with great power comes great responsibility. > For all the other people I don't have room for... MMK : Like FURY! LOONS: FURY! YAY! HE'LL SAVE EVERY ONE OF US! REBECCA: ...and while we're thanking the whole of human civilisation, I'd like to thank a guy I know called Bob... > Zoner: > For Ben, sorry for all of the shit that went down this term TBS : I've got this killer stash. I'll make it up to you. > For Jenna, who once again managed to keep me from doing > something incredibly irrevocable. GAVOK: Well, it obviously wasn't this fic... LYNX: Anything that doesn't allow to cover your butt *is* innately bad, kids! Remember that! > For the entire Howe St. apt., who helped get me through the > tough times. MMK: Saint Howe Apt, providing your intercession needs since his martyrdom in 1850... > For the Internet, for keeping me in touch with the world and > providing plenty of entertainment. LYNX: And "Hot Fresh Sexy Teens!" REBECCA: Keep in touch with being out of touch with the Internet. > For the Disney Afternoon, I Am Darkwing Duck! :-D RACE: LIAR! TBS: Darkwing Duck, mild mannered mallard by day, really big Decepticon Stealth Bomber by night. > For Helene, for making life odd. Ice Cream Truck! [GAVOK does the Sweet Tooth laugh.] REBECCA: Roll Top Desk! DH1: Crab Meat Salad! > For Geoff, aka Mephron, you memorized it? Scary, man, scary. TBS : i call it... "poke-x." LYNX: You know, I always suspected that Zoner had more sense than Ben, and now I've finally got evidence. > For Pink Floyd, especially The Wall, how did they know? GAVOK: So he was in Pink Floyd before joining the Misfits in Action? MMK: Then he jumped ship to Prince's crew before he changed his name. GAVOK: I *knew* I saw him in the Batdance video! > ----------------------------------------------------------ONE MMK: SCENE! [TBS passes out.] MMK : He's flatlining! [MMK and GAVOK began to pump electricity through TBS' heart with paddles. His pulse returns. Suddenly, the song "Tainted Love" begins to play. MMK and GAVOK dance. The heart meter begins to flatline again. "Tainted Love" stops playing.] MMK : He's flatlining! [MMK and GAVOK attempt to regain a pulse again.] MMK: END SCENE! [MMK, GAVOK, and TBS return to their seats.] TBS: Whoa. That felt really cool. DH1: I don't know you people. > "Captain! Ye only left a moment ago!" > --Commander Montgomery Scott RACE: Much as we wish *we* could have... TIFF: Dear god. Not Star Trek... REBECCA: Look at it this way; at least it's not Voyager. TIFF: Yeah, but Gryphon and Zoner are bad enough. Do we really *need* Wesley Crusher? [ALL cringe.] > SOMEWHERE IN THE OUTER SOLAR SYSTEM REBECCA: Care to be any less vague? GAVOK : Guys, I dropped my change. We have to turn back. > THURSDAY 2 JANUARY 1992 LYNX: A date that will, no doubt, live in infamy. > "Yo, we're back!" [TBS, GAVOK, RACE, DH1, REBECCA, and LYNX open their mouths.] MMK : I'll be back. ALL OTHERS: Damn it. [They all look at each other incredulously. TBS opens his mouth again.] GAVOK : Hey, yo. TBS: *Damn* it! > Zoner shouted as he and Yuri dropped > through the hatch in the Wedge ceiling. "The Daytona from > Hell MMK: Any relation to the Veedubbayachu? TBS: Or the Hoolegonmobile? TIFF: Or the Untotalable Mustang of Rally Vincent? REBECCA: Or Herbie, the Love Bug? LYNX: Or the Spider-Mobile? GAVOK: Or Darktooth? DH1: Or the Oscar Meyer Weeniemobile? [ALL stare at DH1.] DH1: What? > handles great in a vacuum, GAVOK : But the mileage is *hideous*. Now I know why "Consumer Reports" gave it that title. > but I think we need to do > some serious modifications if it's going to be out here for > long. It just won't do for long trips." TBS : What are you talking about? I put a bucket in! REBECCA: Any kind of modifications spring to mind? Like, say, a damned life support system? > "So...where'd you guys take off to anyway?" Gryphon > inquired from a Wedgebooth/control station. > "We just zipped around the quadrant a little. Yuri and > I wanted to spend some time alone. The stars are really > beautiful without the atmospheric interference." [TBS throws on a shirt with stars on it.] TBS : I'm so pretty. MMK : Yes sir, folks, the stars are--the stars are, really beautiful, this is a--wait, what's this? Referees trying to keep control here-- [GAVOK and RACE, wearing shirts with clouds on them, sneak up on TBS and flatten his head between two steel chairs.] MMK : *OH* MY GAWD! OH MY GAWD! ATMOSPHERIC INTERFERENCE! *DAMN* THEM! YOU SONS OF BITCHES! > "Yeah, and the planets look so pristine from up here," > Yuri joined in. RACE : So we dumped some trash on them. Warmed the place up a little. TIFF: Nothing says home like empty beer cans and week-old puke stains. > "Pluto looks really neat." TIFF : It'd be even neater-looking if we could get Charon out of the way... LYNX : Pluto is really neat! REBECCA : Pluto is made of meat! LYNX, REBECCA, DH1 : We all love you, Plu-loo-to! > "So, have we figured out where the hell we're headed?" REBECCA: This sounds like one of my father's road trips. He'd dump us all in the car and take us to nowhere in particular. LYNX: What happened then? REBECCA: A fight broke out in the back seat and we'd go to Snuckey's for lunch instead. > Zoner asked. "Or why the Wedge TBS: ...was the only one to survive all three movies? RACE: He has yet to survive a Final Fantasy game. It balances out. REBECCA: He survived FF8. RACE: I mean a *real* Final Fantasy game. MMK: And we don't even know if he *did* survive. REBECCA: What? MMK: I mean, just because the protagonists didn't kill him doesn't mean he gets to live forever. We never saw him alive again, did we? RACE: Nope. MMK: Exactly. For all intents and purposes, he's dead. REBECCA: Hmm. Never thought about it that way. MMK <^_^ing>: That's what I'm here for. > jumped into warp like that? > We were barely able to get it back to sublight. GweepCo was > working overtime to get the computer to respond to the conn." GAVOK : And we're not even getting extra pay for it. We gotta form a union someday. > "Okay. One: TBS: The larch. The...larch. The larch. > we still don't know where the Wedge wants to go. LYNX: It doesn't seem to like any of the trees around here. > Two: I turned the autonav on when I activated > starship configuration under emergency mode, and the > computer was kind enough to warp us out of the fireball. ALL: Awwww... > And three: GAVOK: The birchwood. [ALL cheer and throw confetti.] > GweepCo worked overtime, but they couldn't shut down the warp > drive until q unplugged it by accident. MMK : That's why you gadabouts aren't even going to get NORMAL pay. GAVOK : That's it! Now we strike! > We do seem to have control of the conn, though," Gryphon answered. TBS : All of their Vulcan ears are belong to us. DH1: *Two* 'n's, Snot. > "We do, however, have a couple of rather more immediate problems." LYNX : Somebody stole the cookie from the cookie jar. > "Like?" TBS : Well... [whispers] RACE : Wh-what?! She's a cutie in a sailor's uniform?! [TIFF does not look all that amused.] > "Like we took a head count and Vaughn's missing." ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! [A pause.] REBECCA: Who? > "Oh, no," said Yuri. > "Shit," Zoner added. "You sure?" > "Yep, I'm sure." > SKWEEEEEKrrkkkweequeRUNK--FOOOOMM!!!--wheeet!whio thud hissssssss... TBS: Bawitdabada, thebangdabangdiggydiggydiggy! Boomsaidtheboggiesaidupjumtheboojie! > "WARNING! WARNING! TIFF : The self-destruct sequence has been activated. This sequence cannot be aborted. All employees proceed to the lowest level. Repeat... > HULL BREACH! HULL BREACH! DH1 : Hull breach?! Can it be...? RACE : Thank you!! We didn't even see two percent-- EMERALD : The hull breach isn't *here*, morons. Get back into your seats, and stay until you reach one hundred percent! GAVOK: In the World Title? EMERALD : *What*? GAVOK: In the World Title? Or the Intercontinental Title? EMERALD : That's not what I *mean*! MMK: He's talking about Castlevania: Symphony of the Night, Gavok. EMERALD : *No*! I'm *not*! MMK: Oh. GAVOK: GT2? EMERALD : No! *No*! MMK: Super Metroid? EMERALD : *No*! GAVOK: Oh! Ooh! Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy Kong's Quest! EMERALD : Shut UP! > HULL--NEVER MIND." the computer blared over the PA system. TBS: Oh well, whatever, never mind... > "What the fuck was that?!" Zoner inquired, rather > enthusiastically. MMK : What the fuck was that thing? GAVOK : What the fuck is that thing? MMK : Oh... I know what it is. GAVOK : Then what the fuck is it? MMK : ...what the fuck is that thing? GAVOK : Hey, kids! Get away from that thing! You don't know what it is! MMK : Oh, I know what that is. GAVOK : Oh, yeah. I know what that is. [The two walk away then walk back.] MMK , GAVOK : WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT THING?! > "Morning," Vaughn said in greeting. > "Vaughn!" Zoner screamed. TBS : You ruined _Psycho_! > "Vaughn!" Gryphon screamed. TIFF : But I thought you were pretty good in _The Cell_! > "Vaughn!" everyone else screamed. MMK : We didn't see _Return to Paradise_, but we will eventually! > "Well, happy to see you too. What's all the excitement about?" RACE : I'm so excited... and I just can't hide it... IknowIknowIknowIknowIknow I want you... I want you! TIFF: When I start losing it, you suffer first, Sake. RACE: ... yeesh, bite my head off, whydontcha? > "Vaughn, did you just come in through the Morgan doors?" TBS: If the doors belonged to someone named Daria, and they were made out of fur, they'd be Daria's Morgen door fur. Heh. TIFF: Snot, do you value your arms? TBS: Yeah, why? TIFF: BECAUSE EACH PUN YOU MAKE WILL COST YOU A LIMB! TBS : Okay... > asked Zoner. > "Yeah, why?" > "Ooooookaaaaaay... Vaughn, do you realize where we are?" REBECCA: Outer solar system, Thursday, 1992. Isn't that good enough for you? DH1 : Nag, nag, nag. > "Not really, where are we?" > "WE'RE IN SPACE!" GAVOK: DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER! DH1 : You bubbleheaded booby! > "Oh." REBECCA : Cool. Did we bring Fritos? > "Vaughn, you just walked in from HARD VACUUM!" RACE: Which you get after defeating Suction Man. > "Thought it was a bit chilly." GAVOK : But why was I sweating so much? TBS : Well, you see, in a vaccuum, you begin to lose fluids almost immediately, and-- GAVOK : Oh. [faints] > "Nevermind, I just don't want to deal with it. I'll just accept it." DH1 : If you say so, stoic dude. GAVOK: Thankfully, Arlieth's not here right now. > "Whatever, well I'm going to go take my eyes out and > become unconscious." MMK : I will take your eyes out and feed them to the crows. Do you accept this? (Yes No) > "G'night." > "Night," Vaughn replied as he walked away. > "There is definitely something strange about him," > Gryphon commented. RACE: Nah, he just walks thorugh pure vacuum and into a spaceship, and remarks that he thought it was "chilly". Nothing wrong here. MMK: No. Something is wrong. My friends, these-- [A beat.] MMK: --these are the almighty deities of self-inserts. [TBS and GAVOK mark out.] LYNX: Oh, yeah. Like *we* should talk. TIFF : I don't know what you mean. > "You haven't lived with him for the past two years. You sorta get > used to it," Zoner answered. MMK : Better get used to it! Bayyyy-bay-ay-ay! > "You know, this housing thing is going to be a real > problem in another couple of weeks," MegaZone remarked later > on, indicating the large number of Wedge Rats who TIFF:...were hurtled into the sun by a navigational error and left to broil to death. MMK: It's beginning to kick in. She's gettin' dark! [MMK, GAVOK, and TBS duck under the couch.] DH1: Ah, I love the smell of a small sun burning things in the morning. Smells like... uh... a small... sun burning things in the morning. TIFF: Watch DH's train of thought derail, on "When Snappy Remarks Fail!" Only on FOX! DH1: Go to hell, Tiffa. TIFF <^_^ing>: Been there. You first. GAVOK: Dude, the best you can do is FOX? Harsh. DH1: Oh, shut up. > were camping it in corners and booths and on the floor of what had > become the bridge of the starship Wedge. [From under the couch:] MMK : For those first couple of weeks, though, I'm going to count on that good old Woodstock spirit! GAVOK : Plus lots of happy herbs! TBS: Why do you think he's called "Zoner"? TIFF: Soon, he OD'ed and died, cold and alone on a linoleum tile floor... DH1: ... with no record of his existence, save for some unwashed underpants and his large stack of "High Times." MMK: Crap! Farther, men! [MMK, GAVOK, and TBS crawl quickly to the back of the apartment.] > "I mean, we've got seven people in E7's living room, another twenty > or so up here, a bunch in the hallway, REBECCA: Man, there's geeks lying all over the place. Someone better get an exterminator pronto. > Android lives in the gweepery, DH1: What? MMK : It's a gweepery. DH1: Right.... what the *fuck* is a gweepery? GAVOK: It's where they raise the gweeps for gweeping. DH1: ...right... TBS: Lemme guess. "What the *fuck* is a gweep?" DH1: Actually, no. I'm trying to see if I kept that cyanide cigarette on me. MMK <^_^ing>: Bah. You're weak! > we've even got some people camped in the engine room. RACE: I hate campers. REBECCA: I know how to deal with them. Ready the grenades! TBS: That wouldn't make them very happy campers. RACE: *Snot*... TBS: Oh, come on! > There are nearly a hundred of us living in an area that wasn't > designed for people to live in at all-- MMK : Welcome to Newfoundland. [GAVOK does a rimshot.] > something's gotta give." GAVOK : ...that's my favorite Beastie Boys song, by the way. TIFF: Isn't that always the way it is? You take your horde of friends into space in your beloved building, and suddenly it isn't big enough for them. And thus, you open the doors, blow them out into space, and watch their heads explode. DH1: Bitter? TIFF: YES! MMK: Farther back! GAVOK: We can't! TBS: Actually, since it can't get much worse, why not go back up front. MMK: Hey... GAVOK: Yeah! [MMK, GAVOK, and TBS return to their seats up front.] > "Yeah...and add to that the fact that the only shower > around is E7's...makes for quite the line," added Gryphon. > "And the mecha storage; we've got Cyclones stacked all over > hell. RACE : You see, Hana, Hell is full. GAVOK : We've had to put the Sweeps into parts of Purgatory. > And that Garland of yours-- DH1 : He keeps freaking out the other passengers by talking about the time he wore that little girl's head as a hat. > that thing takes up more space than three people could live in." LYNX: Yeah, but it's Zoner's Compensation Machine. Doesn't that count for anything? REBECCA : Just because you can fit yours in a pocket of hyperspace.... > Gryphon stretched and yawned. "And it's boring." GAVOK: Hey! A 2001 crossover. TBS: Albeit with a much larger and much less well adjusted crew. DH1 : I can't do that, Vaughn. TIFF : Like hell! Lemme rewire you or something. DH1 : ...uh-oh. > "Speaking of showers, where the hell is the water supply > coming from?" REBECCA : Why, from the magical world of Plot Device! > "You know, I never thought of that. It must be recycled > somehow, MMK: Hey, didn't I see that in "Waterworld?" ALL: EEEEWWWWWWW! TBS : Nothin' tapers the Wedge's heat like the cool, refreshing taste of your own urine! ALL: EEEEWWWWWWW! > or we would have run out by now. Another mystery to > figure out." RACE: What is with this? Did they just get on this spaceship? What the hell is going on here? MMK: This is part two, my friend. We lucked out and missed part one. RACE: Ah. Cool. > "Well, it would help if we knew where we were going." LYNX : What lies ahead, we have no way of knowing. It's time to move on... it's time to get going. TBS, GAVOK : Don't caaaare... where the path waaaaas... I know where I'm gooooooo-ing... > "I told you; the navigational system's locked onto some > kind of automatic course. Whoever built this thing designed > it to go to one specific place upon launch, and we can't > figure out exactly where. REBECCA: Yeah, this is sounding disturbingly like one of my dad's road trips. TBS: If I'm not mistaken, this idea is ripped *directly* from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy. > If we turn on the warp drive again, my guess is, it'll just resume > program and off we'll go toward Destination X again." GAVOK: Destination... ALL: X! TBS: Dum dum dummmmm... RACE : Sugar! Space! And all things nice! > "Well, since I seem to be captain of this thing, since > no one else wanted the blame, ahem, responsibility, MMK: Cough cough sneeze sneeze wink wink nod nod nudge nudge ifyaknowwhatImean, eh? > I guess I better make a decision." > "What do you want to do?" RACE : Nelly Fertando. DH1 : I said *what*. RACE : Oh. Never mind. > "I say we reengage the warp drive and find out where > we're supposed to go." > "You sure you want to take the chance?" RACE : Yes, Gryphon, that *is* my final answer. DH1: It's too early for that. > "What the hell else are we going to do? Bop around the cosmos > sightseeing?" TIFF: No, *be*bop around the cosmos-- DH1: Too early for that, too. REBECCA: Mmmm... Spike.... MMK: Hey! He had that dog! LOONS: YAY! EIN! [MMK mimes walking up to something, sniffing it, and eating it whole.] MMK : *munchmunchmunch* Yip! [MMK hiccups, doing a short hop.] MMK : Yip! [MMK hiccups again, doing a short hop.] MMK : Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! [MMK hiccup-hops around in a complete circle before travelling back towards the seats.] REBECCA : Bad mushroom? > "Well, ok, I just hope there's something waiting for us when we get > there..." > "I hope if there is, it's friendly..." > > ---------------------------------------------- LYNX: Wait for it... > ------------TWO > > "All my father wanted to do was make a toaster you could > really set the darkness on. TIFF: And to do so, he bargained with Infernal powers! > And you took his work and > perverted it into those hideous machines!" > --Sylia Stingray, kind of. TBS : Stingray... STINGRAY! Stingray... STINGRAY! > EARTH RACE: FIRE! GAVOK: WIND! TBS: WATER! REBECCA: HEART! MMK: Together they form... Devastator! ALL: GO-- [A pause.] ALL: Huh? MMK: I'm just as confused. > The GENOM tower gleamed, silver and mirrored, stretching > all the way up to the two hundred ninetieth floor; REBECCA: Someone's compensating. > it was nothing compared to the vast arcology it would later enjoy, TBS: Huh-uh. Dude. The tower's going to enjoy an arcology. [ALL pause.] TIFF: Somehow, I think you meant that to be rude. TBS: I haven't completed my Night Creeper rehab programme yet. > but for now it was a most impressive structure, a huge tower > of glass and steel reaching for the sky. DH1: While Godzilla held a gun to its back. TIFF : Empty your pockets! > All around it were > the corporation's actual production facilities, connected > into one huge complex by a network of tunnels and glass > transtubes and the like. LYNX: Here at STAR labs, the future is made! GAVOK: Excuse me, but could you please tell me how to reach section Q-5-Epsilon? MMK: Sure, just keep turning left. You can't miss it. > The whole vast complex had sprung > up seemingly overnight, in fact, it was overnight, complete > with its own airport and all, in the center of the crater > that was once Worcester, Massachusetts. TBS: This is his uncle's teaching; Worcester, malevolent to you in all aspects... REBECCA: The neighbourhood's gone downhill a little, but at least the land's cheap. RACE: Goddamn. I'm having Emerald Twilight flashbacks here. LYNX: Would that make this Worcester-2? > At the building's very top, the president, owner, chief > executive officer, and undisputed lord and master of GENOM > had his office. TIFF: The king and tyrant, though, had to make do with the third floor. > And a huge office it was too, encompassing > the entire 290th floor, excepting the outer office and > secretarial pool. GAVOK: Sure, we talk about enormously important people with their huge offices--but who thinks about the secretaries? Come on, give it up! > It offered him a beautiful three hundred > degree view of the surrounding wasteland; MMK: Ooh, those glassy, blackened plains of death can be downright inspiring. REBECCA: Wait. Is this Worchester, or Los Angeles? RACE: Yes, yes, Los Angeles equals Hell. *Thank* you. > the remaining sixty > degrees were taken up by beautiful oak-paneled walls TBS: So I'm guessing the motif here is "beautiful." > containing bookshelves, paintings, and the like-- LYNX: Well, you know what they say about paintings. If you see one, there's five in the walls. [shakes head] > and of course the huge, armored oak door to the office. RACE: Isn't armored oak an endangered species? > The back of > the office, in front of the windows, was dominated by a two- > step-high dais upon which rested a magnificent desk, TBS: Okay, "Beautiful" and "Magnificent." DH1: Say, isn't that the space station from 2001? > a desk that appeared to consist entirely of black glass and small > glowing lights. GAVOK: He built it out of old Light-Brite sets. MMK: ORAC! > Behind that desk, in a luxuriant leather chair, sat the > man who controlled the corporation like Kurita Takashi > controlled the Draconis Combine in the 3020s, RACE: Aren't we still in 1992? LYNX: Well, yes, it's a good metaphor. Although maybe something a little more contemporary would be better. TBS: So and then a member of his family sends ninja assassins after him? > a mysterious man known only as Largo. REBECCA : Ph33r me! LYNX: No, different Largo. REBECCA: So he's not going to try and overclock the OMS? LYNX: *No*. > Largo was tall and thin, with straight black hair and penetrating, > narrow brown eyes; he looked Japanese, but no one could ever tell > it to hear him talk. DH1: He's a ladies' man, and has no time to talk. > He spoke English with no accent at all. He spoke many > languages with no accent at all, as a matter of fact, TIFF: That's because he talks through a cancer kazoo. GAVOK : NnnnghMyMightyCompanyWillCrushYounnngh. MMK : NnnnghIWantADonutnnngh. > which led a lot of people to mistrust him; LYNX: I hate and fear the multilingual! Boo! Hiss! > there were many such facets of his being that marked him as > something more than human. And perhaps less. RACE : It's so sad! Well, sort of. TIFF : I await Your orders, Lord Orochi. > Largo was, in fact, a modified HBU-99a Hyper-Buma, REBECCA: They dropped the chassis, re-did the engine, added a blower and some flame decals and turned him into a mean street-Buma. Of course, his mileage is terrible. > and the third and final free sentient creation of CLULESS. TIFF : The others had died during otherwise routine liposuction surgery. > Created accidentally by Larry "Entropy" Foard, Largo had come > into being on the campus of Worcester Polytechnic Institute > and his entire industrial empire underneath it. DH1 : This better be worth some goddamn extra credit! > He had > decided early on to seize control of the campus and use its > resources to attempt world domination; REBECCA: He'll take over the world with some well-worn lab equipment, old library books, lots of concrete... a real master plan. LYNX: After all, Worcester is the center of creation. It has its own Mt. Siani and everything. TBS: What do you expect? FURY~! lives there! > the faction of students called the Wedge Rats, with the aid of > WWWA Trouble Consultant team #261 (the Lovely Angels), GAVOK: Hmph. They got no less than Jophiel and Haniel on their side, and they STILL didn't kill this Largo guy? RACE: Wrong angels, 'Vok. GAVOK: Then not even the combined asskicking talents of Gabriel and Michael could do it? RACE: Still wrong. GAVOK: You mean... Farrah Fawcett failed? RACE: Just... be quiet. > defeated him > militarily in a resounding battle, slaying his general and > most of his original troops. REBECCA: And they were collectibles too. TBS: Damn High Elf-playing munchkins. > The battle cost the Rats as well; TBS: They got a big owwy boo-boo on their pinky. > they were forced to > flee into space in the small spacecraft their Wedge had > become as an energy surge caused by the use of an ExoSalusia > Arms Model 4a Wave Motion Rifle DH1: Give something a long name, and it can do *anything!* REBECCA: But it's Wave Motion! Wave Motion can do anything! > caused the nuclear reactor in > the Washburn Shops, modified by Largo and company for more > power, to go supercritical. GAVOK : These curtains are way too bright! MMK : And this carpeting... Ugh! It simply must go! TBS: It was then effortlessly absorbed into the supercontext. > The entire city of Worcester and > most of the surrounding boroughs were utterly destroyed in > the ensuing explosion. LYNX: This caused Cloud and Barret to swear vengence on Shinra! > Only Largo escaped unharmed, having > fled into the tunnels below the campus. GAVOK: I guess those layers of lead paint and asbestos were useful after all. > There he discovered > the underground complex and the means to raise it to > prominence. TIFF: Good to see the bad guys can pull contrivances out of nowhere, too. > Having done so, he activated its vast resources > and began to build his power base. DH1: However, he blew most of his money on flame turrets, and as such was vulnerable to his foe's V2 rockets. > With the Wedge Rats out muddling around in space, > there would be no one to stop him this time. GAVOK: And just then two droids, a farmboy, a crazy old wizard, a big walking carpet and a pirate show up on his doorstep. > He picked up the telephone on his desk and dialed a > three-digit extension; upon receiving an answer, he said > simply, DH1: : Is your fridge running? Well, you'd better go and catch it! > "This is Largo. Are you still on schedule? Excellent. REBECCA: The part of Largo will be played by Montgomery Burns. MMK: No, don't you remember? He's played by Largo Largo from Fargo. [He ^_^s.] > Proceed as planned. Make sure all is in readiness. TBS : Listen, Mac, I'll get you your pizza in less than a half hour. Now quit buggin' me! > It is vital that these three projects be completed at once." > He then hung up, stood, and left his office. MMK : I'm sorry, but I can't see you anymore. GAVOK : But Largo, I love you! MMK : I love you too, but... I have a Home Office. [Melodramatic organ music plays.] > The turboelevator REBECCA: Largo's so cool because he's got a really, really fast lift. > outside his outer office took him speedily to his specified > destination, a biotech lab deep in one of the sublevels. LYNX : Way down in GENOM 13... GAVOK: Say, Arly! We found that missing sub-basement! [ARL somehow manages to twitch over the loudspeaker.] > He entered, as he generally did, with the calm and quiet arrogance > of one who knows he is absolute master of all he sees. REBECCA: But is he the master of his own domain? [LYNX swats REBECCA with a cushion.] > And what he saw at the moment was a crew of expert biotechs > clustered around a Mann Systems Series 101-E Bio-SculptTM tank, > inside which, suspended in the syrupy red liquid of the tank, > was one of his latest pet projects. MMK : Behold! A monster made of pancake batter! > Actually, it was the second in the series; the > first attempt had been, by his standards, a dismal failure. MMK: There weren't enough eggs. RACE : What do you *mean* your grade average was only 4.0? > Individual Cybernetic Zygote Enhancement Research, REBECCA: Try saying that five times quickly. > the technicians called it; a biomechanical process whose end > result was device similar to a Type 33-S Buma which could > control and redirect the energy around it and, in addition > generate its own. LYNX: It's a walking cat with its own glass rod? > Revolutionary; Largo looked forward, once > it was perfected, to having a similar system implanted > somewhere among his own systems, to increase his power. TBS: There was a man who wanted his skill to be ultimate... > First, though, he wanted a suitable Buma-style testbed. He > had insisted on an anthropomorphic design; further, he had > insisted that it be female. REBECCA: Oh, god. TIFF : And WHY is that? RACE: So we can get this gratuitous "Naked Babe Under Glass" shot. Why else? > Perhaps if her AI systems developed far enough and to his liking, MMK : What's your IQ? TBS : 120! MMK : Forget it, retard. > he would take her as a consort. TIFF: Oh, oh, god. DH1: Melanie Griffith *is* Buma 2000! > "Doctor Astbury," Largo said quietly. REBECCA: As long as it's not "the Aoba operator"... > The small man working at the master console started violently RACE: Sounds like somebody needs a hug. > and turned around slowly, almost reluctantly. "How is your work > progressing?" > "A-as well as can be expected, sir, considering the > precautions we had to take after the failure of the first > prototype. Although I still don't see why you considered her > a failure; all the energy control systems worked perfectly > and her AI was developing at a most pleasing rate--" > Largo turned and picked up the spare-framed scientist GAVOK: While ignoring the seven-ten split technician. MMK: Been nice knowing you, spare-framed technician. > by the front of the lab coat with a single hand, raising him a > good two feet from the floor. DH1 : Well, time for my two o'clock underling slaying. > "I've explained it to you before, you fool-- TBS : --she couldn't take a size 8! TIFF: Just because we're on opposite sides of the room doesn't mean I can't hurt you. > her psychological profile was all wrong! REBECCA : She actually said 'no' to me! > I want a weapon of mass destruction, absolutely obedient to > me--not the living embodiment of conscience! DH1: Would a biomechanical killing machine who's nice to people be good enough? LYNX : Hi! I'm gonna tear out your larynx, 'kay? RACE : Oh! Well, that's awfully nice of you--GURK! > Conscience has no place in my plans, do you understand? That > is why I ordered the first prototype destroyed--she could have > proven a stumbling block, not an aid!" > "A-absolutely, sir. Forgive me." Largo set Astbury > back down on the floor, rather roughly; the scientist dusted > himself off MMK: But the heartbreak of dry and flaking skin can be avoided, with Neutrogena Body Wash! > before continuing, "At any rate, the first > prototype has been disposed of, REBECCA: Did you put it out with the papers and glass bottles? Those things can be recycled, you know. TIFF: I bet GENOM does a great line in Soylent Green. > and the second should be > ready to come online and begin testing tomorrow morning." > "Good. I don't want to have any more failures, Doctor." > "You won't, sir. I've taken a great many precautions > against the development of such a...benevolent personality in > I.C.Z.E.R. 2." GAVOK : I downloaded the entire contents of the Grey Archive into her memory. MMK : ...sweet mother of God. GAVOK : Hey, look! I didn't think we *gave* her tentacles! > "Excellent. Alert me when you are ready to bring this > unit on line. I want to be there." Largo went and surveyed > the Bio-SculptTM tank. "I want her to know immediately who > her master is..." ALL: Sho'nuff! >--------------------------------------------------------THREE > [MMK, GAVOK, TBS, and RACE grab pom-poms.] MMK, GAVOK, TBS, RACE: THREE, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT, WHO DO WE APPRECIATE? [RACE jumps up and does a cartwheel, throws his pom-poms in the air, and does the splits. He lets out an agonized squeak.] TBS: Are you okay? RACE : No... > "As captain, I am responsible for the conduct of the > crew under my command." > --Captain James T. Kirk TBS: So, it'd be more like... LYNX: Shatner riffs are more common than grains of sand. TBS: I am so ashamed. MMK: This is why he boinked about half of them. TIFF: You will die. Oh, how you'll die... MMK: What? It's true! > ABOUT A WEEK LATER > SOMEWHERE IN SPACE TIFF: Oh, that narrows it down. RACE: "About?" "Somewhere?" Yeah, real *exact*, this guy is... MMK: Define the Universe. Give three examples. > "Attention," the Wedge computer announced. GAVOK : The cafeteria is out of muffins. ALL : NOOOOOOOOO!!! > "WedgeWarp Drive is disengaging. RACE : Zoner should be able to walk properly now. > Five seconds to sublight velocity. GAVOK: But they're *already* traveling below lightspeed. MMK : Fine, fine. Five seconds to really-really-close-to-light-velocity! > Prepare for automated maneuvering." DH1: So, autopilot, basically. REBECCA: It's more science-fictiony if you give it a long name. > "What's going on?" ReRob asked, ALL: SOMEBODY SET UP US THE BOMB! > climbing up to the > bridge from the engine room, as Gryphon slid into his seat TBS : Wheeee!!! > behind the computer console. > "Hang on," Gryphon replied, TBS: Whoa. They snuck an arcade machine on a spaceship? RACE: Bah. I'd have taken Gals' Panic. [TIFF shakes her head.] > pulling more of the ancient > pseudo-UNIX commands from his memory and tapping them out on > the keyboard, requesting a status report. MMK : Okay keyboard, let's have that report. GAVOK : Get bent, loser... DH1: Whoa. "Undocumented Features" and "User Friendly" share abbreviations. TIFF : Yeah, that explains *so* *much.* > The readout began > appearing on his screen, interspersed with bizarre poetry > about cats in the rain. LYNX: It was an excerpt from "Ode to my Smelly Wet Cat" by B. Hutchins. REBECCA: Written in high school. MMK, GAVOK : Smelly caaaaat, smelly caaaat, what are they feeding yoooouuuu... > "Got it." The Wedge shifted out of warp drive. GAVOK: The Wedge is gonna take this Warp Drive, shine it up real nice, and shift it STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS! LYNX: And we all anxiously await the day when this catchphrase goes out of style... MMK, GAVOK, TBS: We do? [LYNX sighs.] > Nothing was yet visible beyond the windows of > the bridge. DH1: Too much Mist in the way. TIFF: Well, that explains why this ship is invincible. REBECCA: Well, there you have it. Empty space looks like, well, empty space. TBS : What? No coloured nebulae? No improbably dense asteroid fields? No twin stars? No coments? Ripped off! > "We're coming out of warp, finally; the computer says > we've reached our destination system. We'll maneuver into > the system on impulse power and make...planetfall? Ookaay... RACE: I can understand his concern. DH1: Yeah, the only time an Enterprise made planetfall was in a burning hulk... ALL: Land the damn ship! > we'll make planetfall sometime later this week." > "Planetfall?!" Zoner asked. "Where?" REBECCA: On the southern continent, near the extinct volcanoes where all the little teleporting dragons live. > "Um..." Click click click beep! "According to this... MMK : ...there's a holomessage stuck in this unit. GAVOK : Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi...you're my only hope. > Utopia Planitia Naval Shipyard, on the planet Planitia, in > the Cygnus Beta system. Marvelous. Never heard of the > system or the planet, but Utopia Planitia I've heard of..." > "The shipyard where the Enterprise was built," said > Lightnin from across the room. REBECCA: Oh look, we've got Trekkie geeks on board. TIFF: This is 1992. No Voyager, no Deep Space Nine. Trek isn't fully geeky yet. REBECCA: Can we just assume that they're geeks? TIFF: Yes. I think we can. > "Right. But that's supposed to be on Mars, not > someplace in Cygnus Beta." TBS: Right next to the Tech-priest's Titan Legion base. > "Okay...we have to tell people about this. Let's get > everyone together in the Lower Wedge--Gryphon, where's LYNX: --Waldo? MMK: --my Guided By Voices CD? DH1: --the lost city of Atlantis? I looked all over Crete, but still no clues. > Kei?" RACE: At the cake shop with Sakura and Hinata, natch. DH1 : Psst. The *other* Kei. RACE: The *other* Kei? DH1: Think about it. RACE: But the only *other* Kei I know of is... is... no. DH1 : 'Fraid so. RACE: There will be pain. Oh yes... REBECCA: Can this be a planet they accidentally blow up with everyone on it? Please? > "Probably still asleep. She hadn't gotten back from the > gweepery when I went to sleep, and that was at four." > "I'm amazed the telnet connections are still up..." DH1: That's either really lame, dated, or old school. I can't decide which. > ReRob mused. > "Sub-ethernet?" Ben hazarded. > "Shut up," ReRob replied, giving him a gentle "duh" with > his hat. > "Well, better get everyone together," Zoner interrupted. LYNX : Use Attack Pattern Delta. > "Comm officer, have everyone assemble in the Lower Wedge." REBECCA: Say, when their big ol' building took off into space, did it take the basement with it or not? Because if not, they'd better hope it's a pretty tight door. > "Like yo, like everyone get to the Lower Wedge. Like, > Captain Zoner wants to say something. Like that's all, and > like have a day," q announced over the PA system. MMK: This REEKS of Edge and Christian-osity! GAVOK: But, like, totally more sucky. > "Thanks q...I think," spoke Zoner. DH1 : Kill the boy... kill the boy... > NOT LONG AFTER RACE: Ever have those days when you're just unsure about *everything*? > "Well, is everyone here?" inquired Zoner. REBECCA : DJ Croft? LYNX : You know you want me. REBECCA : Cammy? TIFF : I think I'm falling in love with you. REBECCA : John Ellison? DH1 : I'm special. REBECCA : Laura Roxanne? GAVOK : Just hand over the suitcase, MegaZone! > "I think so, I don't feel like counting," answered > Gryphon. DH1: Gryphon will never get to be an accountant that way. REBECCA: Let's just say "yes" and move on. > "It really doesn't matter, with the size of this ship > word doesn't take long to spread," Zoner commented; MMK : They're worse than a pack of high-school cheerleaders! GAVOK: Erm, MMK... MMK: What? [GAVOK points to RACE, who is now visibly drooling.] GAVOK: Don't do that. We have to *sit* on this floor. MMK: Point taken. > then, > turning his attention to the gathered crowd, he raised his > voice: "Hey, everyone! I have a little announcement to make. MMK: Hey! He's coming out of the-- TIFF: Don't do that... MMK: Dammit! It's a legitimate sexual choice and you can't persecute him for it! TIFF: You *know* I've got a short fuse... MMK: Who the hell are you? Pat Buchanan? > As you all know by now, we've come out of warp and we're > rapidly approaching a planet. It appears that we're supposed > to make planetfall there." TBS: Hey, remind me again. Who're they taking their orders from? REBECCA: The Great Big Head in the Sky? MMK: The Nine Or Ten Guys Who Secretly Run Everything? RACE: The Macro-Geometry of Abaddon? > This was followed by a lot of murmurs and grumbling, MMK , TBS : Are we there yet? LYNX : NO! MMK , TBS : Are we there yet? LYNX : NO! MMK , TBS : Are we there yet? LYNX : NO! > and a few shouted questions to the effect of "What planet?" REBECCA: I'm confident you'll never find that noise on a sound effects CD. GAVOK: You know this how? REBECCA: It's... just a hobby! Really! GAVOK: Theatre geek! Ha! REBECCA: Shut up! > "The planet is Planitia in the Cygnus Beta system. > We'll be docking at the Utopia Planitia Naval Shipyard > there." LYNX : ...and no, we will *not* be stopping at Stuckey's. ALL but LYNX : Awwwww... > This was followed by a lot more murmuring and grumbling, MMK : Stupid pilots. GAVOK : I wanted muffins. TBS : Wonder when I can get nookie? DH1 : ..can't sleep, clowns will eat me, can't sleep, clowns will eat me... RACE : I want out of this suit, I want out of this suit, I want out of this suit, I want out of this suit... REBECCA : Are we there yet? I've gotta go. LYNX : I wonder when the Cylons are gonna show up? MMK : I'm itchy. GAVOK : I'm hungry. TBS : Where's the babes? > as well as a few shouts of "Hey, that's where the Enterprise > was built!" from the Trek fans amongst the group. > "Yes, as some of you seem to have realized, the Utopia > Planitia Naval Shipyard is where the Enterprise was built. > Of course that wasn't in the Cygnus Beta system. REBECCA : But who's checking continuity, eh? > Since this > is our first contact with aliens, I hope we don't have any > xenophobes amongst us. MMK : Ummm... GAVOK : Ahem. > I really doubt it with this group, TBS : ...seeing as how my "Overfiend" tapes are *still* missing... *Vaughn*... > but I don't want to have anyone run screaming at the sight of > any strange creatures." > As if on cue Android entered the Lower Wedge, apparently > having just awakened in the gweepery. MMK : It's the SKINMAN!! TIFF : Run, children! Run! > Several people ran screaming. LYNX: Oh, Dumb Joke, you nearly gave me a heart attack! > "Ok, ok. That'll be enough of that. Come on guys, I'm > serious here. It's hard enough being captain when I know > that it's only because no one else wanted to take the blame > if anything went wrong, and the fact that I was the first to > have a Rho Alpha Tau hat made. MMK : I am the Grand Wazoo! And fuck you too if you don't like my hat! REBECCA: So he's in charge... because he has a funny hat? > At least show me a little bit of respect, I don't ask for much. LYNX: And he's getting it. > I mean I've been finding my comics all over the ship, GAVOK : Someone creased the spine on my copy of THE LONELY DEATH OF GOT NO LEGS BOY! > and my VCR is ready to burn out. And do I complain? No! TIFF : Good! Then shut up! > I'm getting sick of having this responsibility! GAVOK : What else is new? > You think it's easy to be responsible for > all of you? LYNX : DO YOU WANT TO BE PUT IN A HOME?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?! > Do you think I really know what I'm doing? > Don't you think I'm just a little scared about meeting > aliens? What if they're hostile? I really don't care about > myself, but I have to worry about you too! I mean what if > they're huge bug-eyed monsters with..." LYNX: ... *huge* tracts of land! REBECCA : What if they've got guns? RACE : Shut up! REBECCA : What if they've got pointed sticks? RACE : I can't *heeeear* you! > Zoner trailed off as q and ReRob dragged him out of the Lower > Wedge. > "Well, Zoner seems to be just a little bit stressed, > what a surprise. Don't worry, he de-angsts once in a while, > he may actually get over it," Gryphon assured the crew rather > caustically. MMK: New Gryphon-scented cleaner! It cleans and shines without harsh scratching! DH1: This is making me yearn for the mutual respect and camaderie of Tycho and Gabe. > "Meeting adjourned--and keep him away from knives! And Logan!" GAVOK : What's it to you, bub? > he shouted to q and ReRob. > A SHORT WHILE LATER REBECCA: Meanwhile, in a different scene... > Knock knock knock "What do you want?" Zoner shouted over > the sound of Pink Floyd's "Brain Damage". TIFF: He's playing the Author's theme song. TBS: He listens to Floyd. There is *no* denying it now. > "Just thought I'd check on you, how're you doing?" > Gryphon enquired. > "Ok, just listening to some Floyd to calm down and cheer > up. TBS: No *wonder* he's such a whiny bitch. LYNX: Hey! TBS: Look me in the eye and say you disagree with me. LYNX: Here. Have a Dew. > So far I've gone through Wish You Were Here, The Final > Cut, and I'm almost through with Dark Side of the Moon. MMK : And after that, I can name-drop some of the later, not-so-good stuff on Division Bell. Hot damn! > I've been a little stressed, 'lot on my mind ya know." > "Uh, yeah, Floyd to cheer up. Yeeeap. Anyway, what's > on your mind?" GAVOK : "Several Species of Small Furry Animals Gathered Together in a Cave and Grooving With a Pict." I can't seem to shake its haunting melody. > "Other than suddenly becoming captain of a starship--a > really small, silly looking starship, but a starship > nonetheless--I've been worried about some of the people we > left behind." MMK: Don't worry. They can handle Carpathia. > "Like who?" LYNX : Well, what about hardboiled reporter "Buck" Williams? > "Well, other than the few thousand innocent civilians > that I didn't know who got vaped, TBS : But they're civvies. They knew the risks when they took the job. REBECCA: You're really, really broke up about them, I can tell. DH1: But they included college staff! That's got to count for something. > I've been worried about > Matt and Jenna. I mean they just got engaged and then they > get dragged halfway across the cosmos. I don't think Matt is > too happy about that, and Jenna was almost done with school. > And, oh I don't know..." > "Well, do you think they'd prefer being dead?" TBS : The cold comfort of unending solitude is infinitely preferable to the finite, yet inexplicably harrowing pain of being... GAVOK : Someone fetch me a loaded bazooka. > "I doubt it, but a lot of people are having trouble > dealing. Most everyone on board lost all of their > possessions. Computers, TVs, VCRs, stereos, clothes, > everything! I got lucky, E7 got included in this flying > trashheap, all of my kipple got brought along. MMK : I loves my Kipples and Bits and Bits and Bits! > You too, I still have trouble handling that coincidence. REBECCA: This, folks, is this chapter's recquired bout of Dramatic Irony. TBS: At least they've got their robots. > Then there is the human factor. REBECCA: Weren't they really big during the eighties? > I mean, I don't know that many people > outside of WPI, so most everyone I know made it out. But > there are a lot of people here who lived and worked in > Worcester and lost many of their friends. This isn't anime, MMK : It's fanfiction, dammit. REBECCA: It's Fanfiction, Jim, but not as we know it. > those people weren't ink, they were real living breathing > people. My conscience has been nagging at me since we left > Earth. What right do I have to be alive when I'm partially > responsible for their deaths?" REBECCA: None! Next. > Gryphon was uncharacteristically silent for a few > moments. His fists were clenched, and he appeared to be > struggling not to scream, his breathing ragged and uneven. MMK : Oh, no... the beast stirs... it's the third time in an hour... TBS: He can't. GAVOK: He wouldn't. TIFF: He'd better not. RACE: Ergh. MMK : Okay. Story time. [TBS and GAVOK scream and hide under the couch. TIFF tries to throttle MMK.] LYNX: Is there something we should know? RACE: They're young and excitable. > Then he looked up and said, calmly and evenly, "Zoner...I > haven't mentioned this for the past week... TBS : I love you, Zoner. MMK : It'd never work. > I've been trying > not to think about it, not to face it. I finally came up > against it last night. Do you know who was in Worcester last > month?" REBECCA: Gendo Ikari? MMK: Yooch? GAVOK: Mom? DH1: Maya Amano? RACE: Sakura? LYNX: The famous prop comic Carrot Top? > "Who?" ALL: PETE TOWNSEND, NOOO! > "My mother." GAVOK: I was right! Tiffa : Suck it up and press on, maggot! > He turned and walked away, pausing briefly > on the landing to make a Zoneresque fist hole in the far > wall. DH1: Well, of *course* everyone *else's* problems just, just *pale* before the overwhelming conceit that is Benjamin freaking Hutchins. LYNX: I'm warning you, Mr. One. The penalties for breaking the house rules are severe. MMK: 'Specially that one about the Dew. Thanks, 'Becca. REBECCA: [hits him with a cushion] Don't call me that. > --------------------------------------------------------FOUR LYNX: Actually, that's fifty-six, story. > "Buy the sky and sell the sky MMK : Watching the sky recap, drinking an import. What are *you* doing? > /And lift your arms up to the > sky/And ask the sky and ask the sky/Don't fall on me" > --R.E.M. DH1: So if you don't want to have the sky fall on you, you buy it. Thank you for *telling* us that, Mr. Stipe! TBS: Well, it worked for Bill Gates. LYNX: At this rate, I expect Ben will be quoting Papa Roach songs by the time we get to chapter seven. MMK, GAVOK : Cut my brick into pieces, this is my last bong hit... TBS: Huh? GAVOK: It's adapted for Zoner. MMK, GAVOK : Emphysema, no breathing, don't give a fuck if I choke myself toking... > Zoner sat there, staring at the doorway for a while. REBECCA : Did I always have a doorway there? > Then he sighed deeply, walked over to his desk, and grabbed > a large stack of cassettes. "Great, just what I needed to hear. GAVOK : Which is strange, because usually I just eat them right out the box... LYNX : I should have *known* there was a catch to getting all these for just one penny. MMK : Columbia House Music Club. Pay your bills or we vape your mom. > We killed Gryph's mother too. TIFF : Now how many more of his relatives can we kill? RACE: He took his dog as a DNPC. Does that count? > I love this, I really do. Life is shit." > He dropped Meddle into his box and turned it up. LYNX: The Wedge Rats' reaction to taking innocent human life? Turn up the loud music until those pesky guilt pangs go away! > Gryph walked into E7's living room REBECCA: I forget. Is E7 a room name or one of their cool geek friends? DH1: Probably both. > and slammed R.E.M. Tourfilm into the VCR, GAVOK: They live on a spaceship flying through the solar system, yet they don't even have a DVD player? The hell? REBECCA: It's 1992! They've barely got computers. GAVOK: But they're *flying* through *space*! On a *spaceship*! REBECCA: *I* don't know, all right? > piped the audio through the stereo, > plugged in some 'phones, MMK : April, why do humans feel the need to make themselves deaf? TBS : I don't know, Michaelangelo. MMK : I'm Donatello. TBS : Sorry. > and proceeded to wall off reality. TBS: Not hard for him, admittedly. RACE: With him being called "Zoner" anyway. TBS: That's Gryph, not Zoner. RACE: That makes two of them, then. LYNX: Dammit, story, R.E.M is not 'wall off reality' music. It's moderate, mild, laid-back oatmeal rock that can at best erect a felt blanket between you and reality. > Not that he could get away with that...it wasn't long before > Yuri came into the room, looking depressed, and slumped down > on the couch, picking up a book at random. REBECCA : The... Eye... of... Argon... MMK : Penthouse... Forum... hmm. Waitaminute. TBS : Battlefield... Earth? Ben, is there something you aren't telling me? GAVOK : Ben, who's this Robert Rankin guy? > Ben paused the tape and took off the phones. Ripped up > as he was, his natural instinct to help people was > overriding his angst. RACE: Just like his good friend Reason, Angst bites the dust... DH1: And the Depressed Counsellor springs into action! [MMK sets up a computer with a huge monitor. He boots it up. An error entitled angst (GAVOK) pops up on screen.] GAVOK : Angst. Angst. Angst. [MMK takes out the keyboard. It has one key-Manual Override. He presses it.] GAVOK : Angst. Angst. An... beeeoooooooop. [GAVOK disappears. Windows boots up with the trademark floating-ish kind of sound/music. MMK puts away the computer. GAVOK returns to his seat.] REBECCA: Some things... you never get used to. TBS: Like Arby's. REBECCA: ...sort of. > He got up off the floor, went over, and sat down > next to Yuri. > "Hi, beautiful," TBS : The word of the day is legs. Wanna go upstairs and spread the word? [RACE slaps TBS.] TBS: Hey! Just whose side are you on? RACE: I've got standards *too*, you know. Ugh... > he said with only semi-forced cheer. > "You look depressed." MMK, GAVOK: No shit. LYNX: I see Yuri has a natural instinct to help Ben that overrides her own angst. > "Zoner's Floyding again," Yuri said, putting down the > book. "I hate it when he shuts me out like this." TIFF : He *knows* I exist only to further validate his existence! > "Yeah...I know what you mean. It happens to me all the > time too. RACE : Jesus! Does *everyone* in this damn building love Pink Floyd? GAVOK : Well, except Android. That's why I don't give him any lines. RACE : You are *so* dumped. > There are only a couple of people in the universe > he can open up to." LYNX: For some reason, one of them is Jon Waters. Don't ask why. MMK: Well, at least Zoner wallows in self-pity while listening to better music than you do, Ben. > "I understand that, on some level...but I'm his lover, [RACE twitches.] > for Christ's sake! If he can't trust me..." REBECCA: That's some awfully harsh language there, Yuri. DH1 : Gosh darn it! He's just being a pain in the bottom! > "I think he's still a little afraid of how close he's > gotten to you. He has a hard time trusting; he's been > screwed over too many times before MMK: More screwed-over than a Canadian wrestler. [TBS opens his mouth] GAVOK : He's been sniped at way too many times in Counterstrike. MMK: Er, 'Vok? They didn't have Half-Life when this was written. [TBS opens his mouth again.] GAVOK: They didn't? No way! REBECCA: They didn't even have Wolfenstein. TBS: Guys? I was going to do a McMahon joke. TIFF: No one cares anymore, Snot. TBS: But... but... GAVOK: There's, you know, a small window of opportunity. You just happened to miss it. TBS: Bummer. > to not be wary, even paranoid. Oh, fuck it, why am I making > excuses for him? LYNX: Because you know it's true, Ben. Go, find Zoner, give in to your hidden passions! TBS: Reenact the ending of _Making History_! > To hell with him." RACE : And back! TBS : Yeah! To hell with all of you! I'm going home! MMK : And if you cannot help me in this battle, then, to hell with you! > "Ben!" Yuri said, looking surprised. "You don't mean > that--what's wrong with you?" REBECCA : Nothing. I'm just in my broody angsty mood today! RACE : Can I get both of you? At once? With some whipped cream and a few strawberries? > "Me? Oh, nothing. I'm fine. Juuuuuust fine. DH1 : I'm doing the best I ever did, I'm doing the best that I can! Now go away! > I just went and dumped a whole 'nother load of unnecessary > shit on Zoner, LYNX: And BOY, is he smelly. > that's all...kicked him when he was down... MMK : Kicking them when they're down, Corporal Nobbs? TBS : Best time, sir! > that was just so fucking kind of me..." > "What are you talking about?" REBECCA : I went and introduced him to Amway. I knew I shouldn't have done that. > "Yuri, my mother died back in Worcester. LYNX : It's kind of a bummer, y'know? > She was at the Marriott when the reactor blew. GAVOK: But if you gotta go--go at the Marriott... > I haven't told anyone because I haven't wanted to deal with it, > I've tried to keep it out of my mind. TBS: But whenever he sees a mint on the pillow, he just breaks down sobbing. > And just now Zoner was telling me about how we got so lucky > and we didn't lose anyone we cared for and I... REBECCA : Well, you know... I had to kill him. You know how it is. LYNX : Perfectly understandable. REBECCA : His last words were "Whoa, dude. Mentos." > I just snapped at him...I...aw, hell..." DH1 : ... I need a hug. [sniffles] > He began to cry, unashamed. RACE : SAGAT!! I WILL FIND YOU, SAGAT!! > (Real men don't need to be ashamed.) TBS: They also don't need to eat quiche. MMK: Holy shit! Gavok, did you see that last line? GAVOK: Dude! Get the flannel! MMK: FLANNEL PATTERN THREE! GO! [MMK, TBS and GAVOK scramble up to a standing position and line up side-by-side. GAVOK produces three flannel overshirts, MMK produces three hard hats, and TBS pops a tape into a player and a slow bass riff begins playing. The three put their articles on and MMK cues GAVOK and TBS in.] GAVOK, TBS : He's a MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! SUCH A MAA-A-AAAAAAN! MMK : Such a MAAAAAAAAAAAAAN! GAVOK, TBS : He's a REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAL... GAVOK, TBS, MMK : ...REAL MAN'S MAAAAAAAAAAAAN! [MMK, GAVOK and TBS remove their costumes and sit down.] [A moment of silence follows.] LYNX: Well, I'll be *damned*. > "Oh, no..." Yuri said in a small voice. "Your mom?" TIFF : And here I thought we had got off easy with the deaths of thousands of civilians... REBECCA: But none of them were named characters, so that's okay. > She took Gryphon, resistance or no, up into a hug. DH1: There was a lot of slapping aside of flailing limbs, of course. But the *spirit* was there. LYNX: And Yuri apparently also has an instinct that lets her inject the requisite amounts of pity into self-insertions whenever they need it. > "I'm so sorry." REBECCA : Here's the "Very Sorry Song." Won't you help and sing along? RACE: Bum bum bum... REBECCA : I'm sorry! So sorry! So sorry I took your precious flag! RACE : She's sorry! So sorry! Just don't do it any more, you scurvy scalawag! > "It's all right...I don't really hurt any more...I just feel numb > about it. TBS: So, to sum up... MMK : Damn, my mother died and I'm all cut up about it... no, I'm not, I'll just use it to get cuddly with my meta-fictive girlfriend. Whoo! TBS: Thanks. > I can't really believe she's gone yet..." > "Shh...it'll be all right, eventually; just let it out." REBECCA : Fine. [pauses] Root me! LYNX : Okay. Uh... would you believe I'd feel better if you took your clothes off and then started doing this again? > Ten minutes later, Gryphon, exhausted, burned out, wired beyond > hope, and caffeine fried, MMK: Caffeine-fried Gryphon, the new taste sensation! GAVOK : Mmmmmmm! GRIFFY! > had drifted into a tortured sleep. Yuri settled him out on > the Fold-O-Couch-O-Death MkII, REBECCA : Cardinal Fang, fetch the Fold-O-Couch-O-Death! TIFF : It'll be a very... *tortured* sleep for our little friend, indeed! Muhahahahahahaha! > covered him with the blue blanket, took his keys, RACE: Come on, Yuri. His wallet has to be at least as accessible. > and went over to his room. LYNX : Jeezus, I never thought I'd find a man with even *less* stamina than Zoner.... > "Kei, wake up." > "Nrrrgg...whut?" Kei turned over and flipped the > sleeping bag out of her field of view. "Yuri? What is it?" RACE : Ooh. Lemon scene already? MMK : Yup. Get the strap-on. [Cartoon clouds of smoke shoot out of TIFF's ears.] > "Go down to E7. Now." TBS : Why not here? LYNX: That's far enough with the Yuri gags. TBS: I *thought* her name looked familiar. RACE: How are we supposed to pass it up? MMK: Yeah! I mean, Yuri's in every scene! GAVOK: What are we supposed to do? *Overlook* Yuri? RACE: That'd be bad for our health! TIFF: Guys... [RACE takes out a small notepad and scribbles something on it.] TIFF: ...what is that? RACE: ...nothing. [RACE puts the pad away. A long silence follows.] TBS: ...I wanna see. RACE: No. > Kei looked startled at Yuri's intense tone of voice. > "Yuri, what's the matter?" LYNX : You're not administering enough fanservice. The Master doesn't approve of such a lack of fanservice... RACE : Continue in this manner and all of thy clothing shall be burned... > "It's Ben. He needs you. Go. Now." REBECCA : My turn with the comfy bed! > "Ben? What's wrong with him?" Kei asked, getting out of bed > and opening up one of the drawers. TIFF : Oh... *everything*... [ALL turn to look at RACE.] DH1: Race, stop it, or your face will freeze that way. MMK: Damn. We're going to need some wire and a pair of pliers for that jaw. > "He's seemed a little preoccupied for the past couple of days, but > I put that down to not really knowing where we are..." LYNX : I mean, ordinarily I'd think he just lost his mother to a self-caused reactor explosion, but that just *couldn't* be the case now, now could it? > She put on her > Operation Zenith shirt and a pair of black fatigue pants, > then pulled on her shoes. ALL: INTENSE! GETTING DRESSED! ACTION! MMK: This is really serious, Race. I'm going to have to operate. [RACE makes various sounds that could possibly be interpreted as "Get *away,* you scary person you" but because he has no jaw it comes out something like "INDEED."] MMK: Transplant, I think. 'Vokkers, hand me that spare head. REBECCA: Hey, we only just put this carpet in. LYNX: I thought that Voice owned this place. REBECCA: Oh, right. Go ahead. ARLIETH : Damn. There goes the deposit. [That brief exchange was a Clever Device to distract you from the eye-popping carnage that was RACE's jaw transplant. The floor is an absolute mess and we just catch GAVOK dragging away an unspecified animal.] MMK: There. That ought to do it. [RACE now has the lower jaw of a giraffe. This gives him a slight accent.] RACE: Thanks. I think. MMK: Don't mention it. [Silence.] RACE: Um, can you hold that bag of chips up in the air? TBS: Why? RACE: I don't think I can bend my neck down that far. TIFF: I just hope no one from PETA turns up. > "What's the matter with him?" RACE : That's what his teachers were trying to find out back in junior high. They still don't know what's the matter with Ben. > "He just told me...his mother was in Worcester when the > reactor blew." MMK : Hey, wow. Cool. > Kei paled. "Oh, no. Shit! Thanks, Yuri..." LYNX : My God, I almost missed a chance to service my fanboy! > Without even bothering with her hair or anything, RACE: Ignoring her *hair?* Have you no shame? > Kei took off for E7 at a dead sprint. TIFF: And if she keeps on forgetting to stretch, she *will* be dead. > Acting Ensign Android REBECCA: Acting Ensign Android is Ensign Throwaway in "Away From Home: The Field Trip: The Special Edition"! > entered the Upper Wedge from the > engine room. "Yo, q, LYNX: John DeLancie? NOOOOOO! > you seen Zoner or Gryphon around?" MMK : Yeah, dey be chillin' wit' dem Dirty Pair hos in dey crib. GAVOK : Wrong gimmick, q. MMK : Oh, yeah. Like, totally sorry, or something. > "Um, yeah, like I think they went down to E7, like a > while ago. Like why?" > "Nothing too important, LYNX : They've won the lottery. REBECCA : Like, what a total co-incidence. > we've been trying to figure the engines out. We think they > may make some use of negative mass, so we have Truss down there, DH1: Leave the truss alone! > to see how many GNDN pipes he can hit his head on. REBECCA: DONG! Thirty-six! LYNX: Ah, I see they're going to make use of the vital experience Truss picked up working for NERV in NXE. > He's sorta the neg mass expert anyway." VOK: So *that's* what he was doing with the upside-down cross, the holy host, and the nude virgin earlier! MMK: *Neg* mass, 'Vok. Not a *black* mass. VOK: Oh. So, what's a neg mass? MMK: That's when a bunch of SMGs get together to praise the Lord. GAVOK: Right. Got you. LYNX: What does it *take* to live in their world? TBS: Mental testicular fortitude. Take it from me. [LYNX pauses, then baps him with a pillow.] > "Well, like I wouldn't bother them right now. Zoner's > like a little stressed, and Gryphon's like a little > zonerish." DH1: Oh, well, that makes... huh? RACE : "Dear MENSA. I know how your members like to make sense of things..." LYNX: Will you *give* me that. > "Oh, well, if they ever walk through ask them to drop by > engineering." > "Like, will do." DH1: Q is beginning to irritate me. TIFF : I like totally don't know why. I'm so cool and, like, lovable, and stuff. DH1: You. You, I kill first. > As Android opened the hatch to engineering, muffled cries of > "Watch out John!", "Huh?" and "Ouch!" drifted into up into > the Wedge. REBECCA: It's a solid beginning for Truss's rise to take over the seats of two men in Worcester-3. > "Like, tell him to be more careful. Like he might > damage something." TBS: Besides his head. DH1: Which doesn't count. > "Ok, see you around." > > "Ben, wake up," Kei said softly. LYNX : Ben, honey? It's time to go to school.... TBS : Was it good for you, too? [TIFF grabs a pillow and drives it point-first into his head.] TBS: Ow. Didn't hurt. Ow. REBECCA: I didn't know we could do that. > "Hmm?" Gryphon peeled an eye open and looked up, willing the > nearly useless instrument to focus, damn it, on who was speaking. GAVOK: It wasn't Cammy, so he went back to sleep. TBS : Wait. Which story am I in today? > He could tell the voice instantly, but-- > Kei's strong arms grabbed him up in a fierce embrace, > in such a sudden manner he nearly jumped through the > ceiling. REBECCA: It was a strong embrace that caused him to jump through the ceiling? The hell? RACE: It's a badly-plotted lemon scene. What else? MMK : Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump around! Come on, Dean! Jump with me! [MMK jumps into the air repeatedly.] > "Kei, what--" LYNX : ... what are you *wearing*? And what's wrong with your hair, didn't you even try to *fix* it before coming to see me? GAVOK: Hey, you know what that would be a good name for? A radio station. DH1: Hey, *yeah*! > "Yuri just told me. Oh, God, Ben, I'm so sorry...I had > no idea. Do you forgive me?" > "Forgive you for what?" LYNX : Shit, *I* don't know. I'm still working on that part. REBECCA : Blowing up the men's toilets? DH1: Some things are just unforgivable. > "I should've been able to tell something was bothering you, TBS : Shoulda woulda coulda, baby. Now it's time you... ride the snake. GAVOK : Ride the snake. > I should've been there for you to talk to--I'm sorry. > I'm so sorry." LYNX : I'm sorry I haven't dedicated my existence fully enough to fulfilling your needs, Ben... TIFF: Back up. She's taking the blame for Gryphon being an uncommunicative chauvinist male? LYNX: Guess so. REBECCA: This is the bit where we tell her to ditch the bastard, right? TBS: Duck and cover, everybody! This is how Lilith Fair got started! > "Don't be so hard on yourself...it's not as if you > abandoned me to the wolves or something. RACE: That was an option? ALL: Damn! > I was hiding something from you, I should be the one apologizing." > "You were hiding it from yourself." She didn't appear > to be planning on letting him go anytime soon, > which suited him just fine. TIFF: Or until his breathing cut off. DH1: Which suits us just fine. LYNX: ... guh. Dammit, story, if I want to see *this* much masturbation I'll just go find some decent porn and watch someone who I'm fairly sure is attractive go at it. [RACE looks at LYNX and blinks. A lot.] TBS: Actually, Race, don't you have-- RACE: Shut it, Snot. TBS: ...you used to be my homey... > "I wish we still had a city to go for a walk in, 'cause > I need a good long walk...or drive...I wish I had a car... TBS : And a pony, and a little red wagon, and a million dollars... > I wish a lot of things. TBS : ...and a fire truck and a DC-10 and a big ol' guitar amp so I could play BTO tunes, and... > But you know, I'm still the luckiest person alive." GAVOK: Aura of Smooth level... rising... > "Why?" REBECCA : I'm Gryphon! I'm cool! > "I still have you." MMK : Ha ha ha ha! Ohh, man. No, really. Why? LYNX: Remember, fanservice is an adequate replacement for less attractive family members! > Kei and Gryphon sat in the living room of E7 holding > each other and watched the rest of Tourfilm. TBS: Wait. He fell asleep during R.E.M.? RACE: Yeah. TBS: Putz. > They didn't say much to each other, they just enjoyed the warm > feeling of being close to someone you care deeply for, TIFF: Hmm. The television must be overheating. > and enjoyed the occasional gentle kiss, just because. RACE: Well, that and they cleaned the caraway seeds out of each others' bridgework. LYNX: And also remember this: Ben's fantasy life is better than yours could ever be, fanboy. > Near the end of the tape Yuri returned to E7. > "How are you two doing?" she asked, a concerned look on > her face. > "We're doing ok," Gryphon answered. GAVOK: Who's "ok"? DH1: Must be one of their cool... *cavemen* friends or something. RACE : Ok hate water! Bleeaargh! > "And thanks." > "Thanks? Thanks for what?" Yuri inquired. TBS : For nothing! Get out! LYNX : For reuniting me with my fleshy security blanket. > "For telling Kei. I couldn't seem to do it myself." > "No problem, really. That's what friends are for." ALL : For good times, and bad times, I'll be by your side forever moooooorrre... > "I can tell by the sound that Zoner is still Floyding." TBS : And did we tell you the *name* of the *game,* boy... REBECCA: Quick! He's Floyding! Clear! [makes electrical shock sound] Clear! > "Yeah, he's been up there all day," Kei added. > "Sometimes I just can't understand him. Why doesn't he talk to > people when he has problems?" Yuri asked. LYNX : 'Cause he's the wind, baby. > "Well, he talks to a few people," Kei answered. > "Like who?" REBECCA: Like Dr. Sbaitso? DH1: Like himself? MMK: Like FURY! LOONS: YAY! FURY! > "Well, er, um, well. GAVOK: Paul Reiser *is* Ben Hutchins! > "He talks to Jenna, and Daver and Helene. But mostly Jenna," > Gryphon offered. > "Why can't he talk to me?" Yuri asked; LYNX : I dunno, probably because he only wants you for the sex. > then, turning her attention to Gryphon she said, "What you told > me earlier, I can't think of anything bad enough to make him > isolate himself like this." RACE : Well, have you checked the cookie jar lately? LYNX : No, I ha... oh, *no*. No he *didn't*. RACE : Actually, you're right, it's really noth-- LYNX : He STOLE the COOKIES FROM THE *COOKIE JAR*? RACE : I think we should put the gun down and settle things p-- LYNX : It's MESSY BREAKUP TIME, BABY! RACE : Oh, *shit*. ZONE, MAN! RUN! RUN! TBS : Mmmmmmm, babe... mmmmm, babe... mother, should we build the wall... RACE : ZONER! HEY! DUMBASS! *RUN*! TBS : Mother, should I run for President? RACE : Fuck 'im. I'm getting a beer. > "Well, he had someone who he thought was his best friend, > someone he totally trusted, use that trust to take advantage of him. TIFF: Just like everyone else, really. TBS: So he's being a whiny bitch. TIFF: Snot. You will quit stating the obvious. TBS: My fu is strong. I fear you not. TIFF: Your bones are about to be disconnected. TBS: I *said*, my *fu* is *strong*. > And he grew up with a juvenile delinquent for a sister. RACE: Is that good or bad? REBECCA: And his former girlfriend... [rolls a D10] ...became the enemy's top ace pilot and is out to kill him because... [rolls another D10] ...he killed her goldfish. > So he isolated himself totally and became a > loner. It wasn't until he came to college and found the > Wedge that he opened up and began trusting people. LYNX: Right, right, and then Sylia contacted him and made him one of the Knight Sabres, I've *heard* this story already.... GAVOK: The healing power of self-insertions! MMK: Uh-oh... guys... I feel a product plug coming on... GAVOK: Ready? TBS: Set it off. MMK: SCENE! [TBS and GAVOK run around setting up props: A leather couch, an easy chair, and a framed doctor's certificate from Acme University. GAVOK lies down on the couch while MMK puts on a stethoscope.] MMK : So tell me, Mr. Bikowicz-- GAVOK : MegaZone, or Zoner. Please. MMK : But you signed as Mr. Bikowicz. GAVOK : Yeah, but I, uh, changed my mind. MMK : You signed *five minutes* ago. GAVOK : Yeah, uh, I change my mind pretty quickly. Hey, call me Zoner, huh? MMK : Very well, Stoner. How did this trust problem develop? GAVOK : I was betrayed by a close friend. MMK : Ah! I know *just* the cure! Nurse! [RACE, rather attractively dressed as the nurse, brings in a small box of pills.] MMK : New! From Phillip Morgan! MARY SUE PILLS! They'll cure ANY ailment known to mankind- and a few you just made up! Made from 100% ground SI-intestines! Godlike power in thirty days or your money back! RACE : Call the number on your screens now! Send no money! Yet! That way we can charge interest! MMK: END SCENE! > It takes a long time for him to open up to others, even those he > loves. And it doesn't just bother you. It drives me crazy, > and it bothers a lot of other people too. But don't worry > about it, he'll open up eventually." DH1: That's touching. I may weep openly. LYNX : Zoner's so cool, it's *worth* waiting for so much as a scrap of his affection! > "I hope so, I feel like he doesn't want me to know about him. > And even though he doesn't say it, I know he partially > blames us for the deaths of all those people in Worcester. RACE: Oh, come on! You're part of the Dirty Pair! It's *never* your fault. TIFF: Well, she's not going to let him blame *himself*. REBECCA : Lovely Angels. RACE: Oh, *whatever*. > Ever since we left Earth he has been even more reserved than > normal. I'm worried about us," Yuri added, distraught, > "Maybe he doesn't really want me around." LYNX: No, he probably just doesn't want you to talk. REBECCA: Yeah, right, he just wrote you into the story to jerk you around. DH1: That's scarily plausible. TIFF: "My lover was an omnipotent child-hating bastard," next week on Oprah. > "Why don't you go up and see him?" Kei suggested. GAVOK : Damnit, *you* know the smell he makes when he's Floyding! > "Maybe I will, thanks guys," Yuri said as she got up and > went up to Zoner's room. > "I'm worried about her," Kei whispered to Ben. > "How come?" TBS : She forgot her gun. > "She really likes Zoner. LYNX: She's contracted a terrible case of authorial fiat. > But she is a little shy and insecure. [RACE coughs. It sounds suspiciously like "BULLSHIT!"] > I think she thinks Zoner wants to get rid of her. RACE: Ahem... [RACE uses the chair as a soapbox.] RACE: Pardon me, dear author...and Lynxara...but are these supposed to be the Dirty Pair? [pauses for effect] If so, since *WHEN* are Kei and Yuri anything *CLOSE* to the descriptor "shy"? Moreover, exactly how did the author come to the conclusion they were anything close to "touchy-feely"? MMK: Well, what about in your do-- RACE: Don't interrupt me, Knight. I'm venting. Last I knew, their attitude meters were set to "devil-may-care-but-we-sure-don't!" And where, pray, *WHERE* are the requisite explosions involved with the Lovely Angels? Ain't nothing blowed up *yet*! Conclusion: these two are not, in fact, Kei and Yuri, but simply your two slightly overweight college sweethearts that dumped you right before graduation day. Am I right? WELL? Come on! MMK: Now, Sake, remember your blood pressure-- RACE: I said, don't interrupt me! [RACE flattens MMK with the coffee table.] RACE : ...okay, I feel better now. I'm done. Thanks, Knight. MMK: You're welcome. Snotters, hand me the tire pump, will you? > If he doesn't snap out of his depression soon he just may drive her > away. And leaving him would hurt her a lot. And if he hurts her > I may have to hurt him." REBECCA: I can see that now. What? You dare hurt the feelings of the magnificent Kei's best friend? WA-TAK! [The 'phone rings. REBECCA picks it up.] REBECCA: Hello? What? Sorry. Bye. [puts phone down] That was Rick. Apparently I'm to stop abusing his gimmick. > "I don't think he would do that." LYNX : Seeing how you two can kill us without so much as a second thought and everything.... > "Not intentionally, TBS: He's doing it under mind control! He's got the glassy look in his eyes! He's a pawn of evil! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! [GAVOK slaps TBS into coherence.] GAVOK: Don't freak out, dude! > but he had better change his mood soon or the end result will be > the same." RACE: And this is coming from the people who don't intentionally blow up planets. > "Maybe I'd better have a talk with him about--" > "Shhh! Here comes Yuri." Yuri came down the stairs, crying. LYNX : Yuri came home, with, a vengeance... > Kei jumped up and hugged her. MMK : Have you had *your* Yuri Hug today? [A beat.] TIFF: I don't know what to say to that. RACE: You know what the weird thing is? TIFF: What's that? RACE: Neither do I. TIFF: ...whoa. > Gryphon scrambled after her. > "Yuri, what's wrong?" > "He said he wanted to be alone for now. I don't think > wants to see me anymore." > "Shhh, don't be ridiculous. Zoner loves you." > "He sure has a funny way of showing it!" DH1: Zoner *funny*? God forbid. REBECCA : I'm the most hilarious man on the planet! GAVOK : I *thought* you were a little amusing. > "He's just having a hard time dealing. LYNX: Translation: "He's being a self-centered bastard." > He has been under a lot of pressure. I'm sure he'll come around," REBECCA: I blame the parents. GAVOK: I blame the Big Aztec Guy. MMK: I blame those violent video games. > Gryphon offered in an attempt to comfort Yuri. > "Are you sure?" > "Positive," Gryphon said with a smile. "He's going to > get a good loud screaming at in any case." LYNX: ... wait, so you're happy he's going to have a nervous breakdown or you're happy you'll get to bitch him out? Either way, it's pretty creepy. > "You're... you're probably right," Yuri sobbed, wiping > her tears. "I'll just give him some space." DH1 : Wrapping it up in gift paper will be a real bitch, though... > Kei, Yuri, and Ben all turned to look as the door to E7 > opened and Jenna entered. Ben's face twitched an "Oh, no." TBS : Hey, Ben. What is that, #74? GAVOK : Obviously it's #27. TBS : Bitch. GAVOK : Slut. > "Hello. How're you guys doing?" Jenna asked. > "Umm, we're doing ok," Gryphon answered for the group. RACE : Chrissakes! Let Ok rest! Ok tired! Need sleep! LYNX: *Watch* people *give* customary *greetings*! > His voice carried an inflection which said without words, > "As though I thought you gave a fuck." GAVOK: Well, then it's not really *saying* it, is it? TIFF: Gavok... REBECCA: Hey, that's an honest question. > "Well, I'm just here to see Zoner," Jenna replied, > taking his tone as basic assholishness. (After all, she > didn't know him or what he was like...maybe he was just > an asshole.) LYNX: ... remember, Ben: you wrote that, not us. REBECCA: Hey, I thought we were supposed to like Jenna. And yet, here she is grieviously misreading Ben. TIFF: I suppose we were mistaken. DH1: Depends on which side you're supposed to be on. TBS: Yet more evidence that the center of the universe is one Benjamin D. Hutchins! MMK: Snot, I dub thee, Sir "States the Obvious." > She ignored him and asked the others, "He upstairs?" > "Yep," Gryphon answered, even though he hadn't been > asked. "He's up there Floyding." TBS : Ooooooooh, I want a dirty woman... MMK : Maybe if we shot him in the knee... > Jenna just looked coolly through him and replied, > "Thanks, see you later." TIFF: FEEL the emotionally charged PETTY HATRED in the room! LYNX: Ah! She's not anime booty, so she's evil, right? > The group watched as Jenna walked up to Zoner's room. > They heard her knock on his door and they heard her say > something to Zoner. DH1 : Land shark. > The volume of the music dropped and they heard his door close. REBECCA: And then, the screaming. > "Aw fuck..." Gryphon muttered. TBS: That's what they're doing, all right. [TIFF drives the pillow even further into his skull.] TBS: Your guns are too powerful for your kung fu. TIFF: The Shogun *is* the master! > "He'll talk to her, but not me! LYNX: Well, seeing as how she's not just a construct generated from whack-off pictures by an incomprehensible plot device.... > I thought he wanted to be alone! I knew it, he doesn't love > me!" Yuri cried, her tears starting anew. GAVOK: A new *what*? TIFF: Damn it, Vok... > "Shhh. Don't say that. You don't know that," Kei tried > to comfort her. LYNX: "Dirty Pair: The Quest for Midol." > "Yeah, I'm sure there's a reason why he wants to see > her," Gryphon said as he joined the group hug. RACE : So, obviously, I guess this means you aren't *seeing* him anymore, huh? DH1 : You keep your damn hands where I can see them. > Not that he was any too confident of it. > "The reason is that he probably loves her, not me!" REBECCA: Does Zoner love Jenna or Yuri? Where is the Wedge going? How did Truss get to do two guys' jobs? What is the green stuff in the back of the fridge? > "How can you say that! Jenna is just a good friend of > Zoner's. She's engaged to Matt anyway, you know that. LYNX : What happened to that slavish devotion that made Zoner so happy, huh? > Don't be foolish. He's known her longer than we've even existed TBS: Good lord! She must be *eighty* by now! RACE: *That*'s an unpleasant image. TIFF: *Guys*... > and they've helped each other out with their problems. MMK : And I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. [waggles his eyebrows] > That's what friends do. Don't throw away this relationship > because of silly assumptions!" Kei scolded Yuri. LYNX : How could you think for a moment that there's more to life than pleasing Zoner? > "I wish I could be as sure as you are," Yuri sobbed, TIFF : I wish *I'd* made co-dependence an art form... > "I've got to go...he wants room. I'll give him room." > With that she ran out the door. RACE: I'd enjoy this 'fic a lot more if I thought that meant she was gonna blow down his room's walls with a plasma ejector or something. > "Well, doesn't this just suck all to hell," Gryphon > said, leaning back against the back of the couch and rubbing > his eyes wearily. TBS: ... again, Ben said it, not us. > He truly did tire of Zoner and his mood swings at times. > "Now we really have to do something," Kei said as she > placed her arm around Ben. > "Agreed," Ben said, hugging her back. "But what?" LYNX: I know! You could turn Old Man Murphy's barn into a stage and put on the best variety show EVER! RACE: Yuri could sing, and Kei could play the drums! We'd be sure to save the school! TIFF: Boil his bunny. DH1: Pack his bong. REBECCA: Drop him some acid. [TIFF and DH1 look at REBECCA strangely.] REBECCA: What? Do I *look* like a drug addict? TBS: I'm not sure how to answer that. DH1: I bet you think sunglasses are called "Tea Shades." REBECCA: I know eleven ways to kill a man without staining my clothes. TBS: Eek. DH1: Point taken. [A beat.] GAVOK: "Boil his bunny," Tiff? TIFF: Well... you know. GAVOK: Are you related to Ray Traylor? TIFF: Am I *what*? [The television turns off.] EMERALD : Take five, folks. ======== [Break time. DH1, LYNX, and REBECCA sit on the couch talking. TIFFA and TBS are in the kitchen. The current locations of MMK, GAVOK, and RACEWING are unknown. Maybe they stepped through the Morgan doors.] DH1: You know, I don't think it's that bad. Really. I mean, there's worse... LYNX: I just have this thing with people who's ego is bigger than their body weight squared. REBECCA: And he's a smarmy bastard! LYNX: That too. Hey, I'm just going to get a drink. [The imaginary camera follows LYNX into the kitchen. She screams, before we pan inside to see TIFFA sprinkling salt on TBS.] TIFF: I'm not going to hurt him! I just think that his wit and humour are so important that we should preserve him for future generations! LYNX: Is that why you wrapped him in tin foil? TBS: No, that's to stop the evil spirits from interrupting the process. LYNX: Dammit, Tiffa, I know we hardly know each other-- GAVOK : Dammit! Are you a doctor? Are you a doctor? RACE : Well... no.... GAVOK: Then I'm saying that you're gonna be okay! [RACE enters, with tomato sauce splattered on his stomach, carried by MMK and GAVOK. They sweep aside the various foodstuffs on the table, just to be dramatic.] MMK: Okay, man, I'm just going to rip that damn giraffe jaw out of your head and put in a new one. RACE: I don't want to die, man! I don't want to die! TIFF: What the hell happened to him? GAVOK: Well, I had this portable TV and we managed to tune it into the Discovery Channel. TIFF: So? MMK: It was a show about giraffe poachers. RACE: GODDAMMIT! DON'T SAY THAT! I'm freaking DYING here! MMK: Okay, Snot, hand me my toolkit. TBS: Dude. I'm wrapped in tin foil. GAVOK: Just keep him away from Zoner. LYNX: This is just too damn weird. [LYNX leaves. We are still in the kitchen.] MMK: Racey, the first step is to amputate your current jaw. RACE: GODDAMMIT! NO YOU WON'T! MMK: GODDAMMIT! YES I WILL! RACE: Whoa. Okay. [MMK raises a hatchet above his head. We cut to RACEWING'S horrified face. We see the sharp glint of light on the blade. MMK brings the hatchet down with a sickening CRACK, and--] TIFF: Thanks, Knight. I can use this kindling. MMK: Don't mention it. Say, can you get Snotter out of the fridge? We need him for this. TIFF: Fine. TBS: I don't think they'd have crygenic units in the year 2025 anyway, Tiff. TIFF: Did I say 2025? Damn. I meant some time when I'd be dead. [During the next exchange, we don't see MMK or GAVOK's handiwork at all.] MMK: Say, 'Vokkers. I've noticed something. GAVOK: And what would that be, oh bestest buddy and cheesiest guy I know? MMK: How come whenever we watch one of these crappy movies we end up playing doctor? GAVOK: That is a good question. So good, that I don't know the answer. Do you know, Racey? RACE : Unh-uh. MMK: You think? RACE : Ynh! MMK: I'll be jiggered. [We cut back to the lounge.] LYNX: I'm telling you, Tiffa's a madwoman. DH1: You haven't seen anything yet. I know this one time, this guy said he didn't like cookies all that much, and... TIFF: What was that about cookies? REBECCA: We were thinking of a new house rule. Free baked products for homicidal maniacs. TIFF: Look. About that... DH1: It's okay. We understand that you're nuts. TIFF: You. Be quiet. Now. DH1: Sorry. No, I'm not. Ow! TIFF : Look, what I meant to say is, I'm sorry I've been so violent so far. It's my coping mechanism, right? And the loons get to me sometimes... LYNX: I... see. TIFF: Long story short: I understand I've been going off the handle a bit. And I'm going to tone it down a little. REBECCA: That's great. It'll save on cleaning costs anyway. LYNX: We'll support you in any way we can. [nudges DH1] Right? DH1: Yeah, yeah. Sure. TBS : Hey, we're finished! [RACE is covered with a tablecloth.] TBS: I am pleased to announce that with our partnership with British-AnimeTech-- GAVOK: --the finest robots in the galaxy-- MMK: --bar *none*-- TBS: And combined with the surgical talents of Doctor Worm and Nurse 'Vok-- MMK: I play drums, too. TBS: We have made Racewing the proverbial faster, stronger, and better than before. BEHOLD! [MMK and GAVOK remove the tablecloth.] TBS: MECHA RACEWING! [MECHA RACEWING looks just like ordinary RACEWING would, if RACEWING was made from matte black armour plates. His jaw is very noticeably --comically, even--oversized.] MMK: I'm fairly certain we managed to remove his desire to destroy Tokyo. GAVOK: I still think he's missing something, though. RACE: Once... I was... a man... MMK: Got it! [He puts a green bow-shaped hair tie on RACEWING's head.] RACE: After I rip you guys limb from limb, remind me to thank you. GAVOK: It was either this or get shot in the head by Mr. White. LYNX: This has gone beyond surreal and into absurdity. REBECCA: I was wrong. This is like hanging with Tango if he had funky Kryptonian powers. DH1: I wonder if we can use him to make french fries. TIFF: Guys. If I wasn't a woman of my word, I swear... DH1: Would you refrain from violence for a Tiffa Snack? TIFF: You're not making it any easier. [...and then, the television turns back on.] ======== > ---------------------------------------------------------FIVE TBS : Oh, oh, oh, oh, chapter five. Chapter five. > "What we've got here is...failure to communicate. GAVOK: Hey! It's Boss Hogg! > Some men you just can't reach. DH1: Others, you wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole. > So you get what we had here last > week. Which is the way he wants it. Well, he gets it. And > I don't like it any more than you men." > --Strother Martin > > There was a knock on Zoner's door and it swung open. > That latch really needed to be fixed. GAVOK : Yeah, I'll get to it. Right after another cycle of Pink Floyd... MMK : ...and happy herbs. GAVOK : Yeah, man! Happy heeeeerbs! MMK : Whoo! GAVOK : Whooooooooo! TIFF: Guys, you can't *both* be Zoner-- MMK : Okay, dude, what number am I thinking of? GAVOK : Sixty-nine, duuude! > "You wanted to see me?" TBS : Darlink. Ve're finally alone. > Jenna asked, standing in the door to Zoner's room. > "Hmmm? Oh, yeah. Come in. " Zoner swept his hand toward > the one available chair in his room. LYNX: And threw it real hard at her. > The other was busy supporting his box, which he turned down. REBECCA: Don't you have a table for that? DH1 : Okay, genius, if I did *that*, where would I *sit*? > "What did you want to see me about?" Jenna asked, > closing the door. > "Well, first off, TBS : Open that door! Weren't you born in a barn? TIFF: *Snot*... > I want to apologize for dragging you off into deep space like this." LYNX : I mean, I could've at least made this kinda like _The Last Starfighter_ or something. This *blows*. > "It's ok, it's not your fault." DH1: Yeah, go ahead and blame it on the Bush administration. > "Yeah, right. REBECCA : Like, whatever. Dude. > Anyway, we have a large group of people > on board with out much order. So far we have a skeleton > crew for the bridge and that's about it. DH1 : Hey, at least it's not a zombie crew... GAVOK: PJ FLASHBACK! TBS: At midnight, all the agents, and the skeleton crew, come out to find everyone who knows more than they do. > Most of the work gets done in a haphazard fashion. REBECCA: Right now, a bunch of untrained volunteers are repairing the reactor shielding with duct tape and brown paper. LYNX: Chernobyl! In! SPAAAAAAACE! > Whenever something needs to be done, whoever wants something > to do does it. I think it's time we tried to organize things. TIFF : Like the dialogue, for starters... > And to start I'd like to make you Chief Medical Officer." TBS : Now, fill these prescriptions for me. RACE : I see you have a raging case of glaucoma. TBS : It's hereditary. > "Well, I guess so. But why me?" MMK: Whoa! Things just took a turn for the Clerks. GAVOK : I wasn't even supposed to *be* here today! > "Because you have the most experience. You're in your > last year of nursing school and that makes you, by far, the > most qualified." RACE: I just hope he doesn't dress up like Nurse Joy. > "Ok, but what do we have for equipment?" MMK : Nicotine, valium, methadone, marijuana, ecstacy and alcohol! Nicotine, valium, methadone, marijuana, ecstacy and alcohol! > "We have the standard stuff in E7 TBS: You sunk my battleship! > and M401, GAVOK: Word! RACE: Gavok... > bandaids, gauze, tape, cold medication, DH1: Let the Robotripping commence! > all of the basic stuff you find in an apartment. REBECCA: As well as a mysterious jar of pills that no one's willing to touch in the back of the cupboard. VOICE: Those are Tango's, actually. REBECCA: I did wonder. > Plus we have Jay's EMS bag for anything major. But we don't have > any real medical equipment, so I hope no one really hurts themselves, > or anyone else for that matter. GAVOK : Of course, Vaughn won't be a problem. MMK : I am proof against HARD VACUUM!! I AM *INVEENCIBLE*! [GAVOK pours liquid nitrogen over MMK, who freezes up.] GAVOK: I couldn't resist. > And we have ReRob, who has First Responder training, > and flots of us know CPR and basic first aid." TBS: Heh heh. He said "flot." Silly Ben. > "Well, we'll just have to make do with what we have. Is > there anything else?" > "Well, yeah. RACE : I feel all hurty, doc. Please make me well. LYNX : By sweet baby Jesus and all the orphans, I will, Miss. > I also want you to be in part of any planetary exploration we may do. MMK : You get to wear this brand new Red Starfleet shirt! GAVOK : Yay! > Your geology degree may come in handy. Of course that's only > if you want to do it." TIFF: Wasn't his whole *point* that he wanted to *stop* having people do whatever they want to do? LYNX: Who knows. > "I guess it won't be any problem, it'll give me > something to do. TBS : Outdo Harrison Schmitt? Yeah, whatever. So long as I'm not bored. > But Zoner.." > "Yeah.." REBECCA: You don't see *that* punctuation everyday. MMK: Oh, nonsense.. That's just silly.. [REBECCA blinks.] > "What's really bothering you?" > Zoner let out a deep sigh. "Everything, I mean I'm only > 21 and DH1: Legal. > I still don't think I'm mature, and I'm responsible > for nearly one hundred lives. TBS : Um, didn't Worcester's population number in the hundred thousands? MMK : ...oh, yeah. Excuse me. [MMK pulls out a samurai sword and buries it into his gut.] TBS : Ick. MMK : Hey, I'm starting to feel better. REBECCA : Will *that* stop him? TIFF : No. I've tried. REBECCA: Terrific... [MMK's fabric of reality ripples temporarily and he returns to full health.] MMK: *That*'s better. > I don't think I'm prepared for this responsibility. > Plus I feel responsible for all of those lives lost in Worcester. REBECCA: Oh come on, they were extras! It's not like they even had speaking roles. > And today Gryphon told me his > mother was in Worcester when it was vaped. TIFF: Afterwards, the U.N. voted to ban the use of "Vicks Vapor Rub" in warfare. MMK: Hey! Ha! Hey, Ben! [A beat.] MMK: Yo' mama! > Sometimes, I don't know if it's all worth it. DH1 : Why even bother. > And I feel bad about > screwing up everyone's lives. Especially you and Matt. You > guys just got engaged, I don't think you or Matt are very > happy with this situation." GAVOK: Being engaged doesn't strike me all that bad, actually. > "Well, it is a little unsettling, but I'd rather be here then dead. TIFF: Now *that* shows true strength of character. DH1 : You're just saying that to make me feel happy, aren't you? > If we hadn't been involved with the Wedge War we > probably would have been at home, and our apartment was > vaporized. REBECCA: That's right, just keep on coming back to that one little point... > Don't blame yourself for the deaths, you didn't > do it. You couldn't control Coyle. MMK: Coyle's coming! Run, Q*Bert! Run! GAVOK : I can't keep'er steady, cap'n. The Coyle's gonna blow! > I trust you, you have > always pulled through when you had too, I'm sure you will do > fine as captain. If you ever need to talk I'll be there." > "There is one more thing." > "What's that?" RACE : Could you put in "The Wall" CD for me? > "Yuri. I think I'm driving her away. I love her, RACE : Oh, no you don't! MMK : But I love h-- RACE: DO YOU DARE TO QUESTION ME?! MMK : Well, uh, what do you want me to do? RACE: Give her up or I kick your ass. MMK : Oh, very well, if you put it like that... [to empty space] Hey there, beautiful, what's your name? Roll? What a lovely na-- [RACE impales MMK with the spatula and holds him above his head.] MMK: You're working too stiff, dude! RACE: Sorry! Sorry. [RACE lowers MMK. MMK extracts the spatula from his midsection.] MMK : What's up with her? [LYNX is dry-heaving.] TIFF: Aw, geez. [MMK disappears, reappears as a flickering image, and then returns to solidarity and full health.] MMK: All better. LYNX : I call no more violence. TIFF: But- LYNX: I *said*, *no more violence*. MMK: House rule! [LYNX tosses a Mountain Dew to MMK.] MMK: Groovy. > but I can't seem to deal with her. I don't know why, I think it's > because I've gotten so close to her so fast. DH1: So your raw animal magnetism made Yuri jump in the sack with you in under a week! That's something to be *proud* of! [RACE fumes silently.] > I'm not used to it, at all. MMK : Better get used to it! > You know better than anyone else how hard it is > for me to open up. [RACE, TBS, MMK and GAVOK engage in coughing fits.] REBECCA: What? RACE : Nothing! TBS : Hee hee hee hee hee! > You're one of the few who I feel I can trust. I think part of it > is that I feel we're all responsible for the destruction, and I > feel guilty about blaming her. It wasn't her fault...." REBECCA: She only accidentally wiped the town off the map. > "It wasn't your fault either." TBS : So whose fault was it? GAVOK : I say we have a little talk with Kei and Gryphon... TIFF: Ah, but it's *never* Kei's fault. GAVOK : Well, then--half the effort! > "Thanks. Anyway, I have to do something. I'd better > talk to her." > "It's always best to communicate with those you care > about." DH1: With some exceptions. > "Thanks, how'd you like to be Ship's Counselor too? DH1 : I'd like to see you in a skin tight bodysuit. TIFFA : I think becoming an avatar like you is going a little too far. > Just kidding, I would never drop that on you. GAVOK : I want all the glory to be visited on *me*. > And thanks for your support. Just knowing you have confidence > in me helps a lot. Good friends are the greatest treasure a > person could ever have. REBECCA: Are they getting to the sappy prosocial message in the *middle* of the story? GAVOK: Undocumented Features doesn't play by the usual rules. It's a rebel. MMK: The rebel. Ba dum dum. > Thanks for being there. And I'm here for you too." > "I know, thanks." ALL: Awwwwww... [REBECCA mimes being sick.] > "You'd better go find Matt, GAVOK: Yes! Whoohoo! RACE: I don't think he's talking ab-- TBS : Matt, no! Don't you rull-ize how dangerous it is out thar? > I think he's a little upset with this whole situation." MMK: Hey, you know, that might be a Vaughnism for "he's throwing shit around and pissing everybdy off." > "And you'd better talk to Yuri." Jenna and Zoner > embraced, and she left the room. > "Well, I feel a lot better now. I'd better go see > what's been going on for the past few hours. REBECCA: Trust us, you haven't missed a thing. > And I've got to stop talking to myself," Zoner commented. > "Well, I can hear you," Logan mumbled from under his > covers. > "Xmas! How long have you been in here?" Zoner asked, in > a rather startled voice. DH1 : Twelve days. Ha! > "All day, I was up all night playing Cosmic Encounter in the Wedge." > "Sorry about waking you up." > "No problem, what time is it anyway?" > "Hmm, it's 10:37. What time did you go to bed?" ALL: Not late enough. > "About noon thirty, it's about time I got up anyway." LYNX: "Noon thirty." Could someone shoot him, please? > "Well, I'm heading up to the Wedge. See ya if you ever get out > of bed." > "Ok, see ya." REBECCA: ...Well. *That* was a waste of time. > He found Gryphon and Kei asleep on the Fold-O-Couch-O- > Death MkII; DH1: Patent pending. > the look of near-contentment on Gryphon's face cheered Zoner > somewhat as he went out the front door, slammed it shut, and > climbed the stairway to the bridge. Perhaps the world wasn't > as shitty as it seemed. GAVOK: Yes it is. And it's all America's fault! > "Status report?" he inquired of q as he entered the bridge. LYNX : I'm poisoned, Vaughn's petrified, Gryph's frozen, and ReRob's unbalanced. TBS : Crap. Lemme cast Battle Oath... > "Like, not much is happening. We've got Truss > downstairs looking over the engines, and like Android came up > with an estimate of how long it's gonna take us to like get > where we're going." > "Which is?" DH1 : We're gonna need a handbasket. > "Couple'a days." REBECCA: I seem to recall something about asking if they could be any more vague. RACE: Not *requesting*, though. > "Ok, and I think we'd better make another announcement to the crew. > I recently realized that no washers or dryers got included in this wreck. TBS : Heh, heh. They'll never notice the death spores. In that environment, they'll breed like there's no tomorrow. REBECCA: These are university students we're talking about here. They thrive in filthy, primitive conditions. By the end of the week, these will be the toughest guys in the universe. TIFF: Hell, they already *are*. Look at Vaughn. MMK : I'm a little resilient. > I have my closet full, but most > people only have the clothes on their backs. LYNX : So... you're a jerk, then. TBS : Yup. > I noticed people washing their clothes in the bathrooms. DH1: Toilet water is amazingly good at getting out those grass stains. > I have some extra stuff, so I can lend stuff to others. Of course > most of my stuff will be a tent for anyone else, but at least they're > clean. Actually, everyone in E7 has a bunch of stuff, I'm > sure they'd be willing to lend stuff out. REBECCA: "Stuff?" MMK : Then you go to version 6 of your stuff! You got porn magazines, leather whips, you know, your stuff! > Anyway, the couple of days will give Gryphon time enough to recover > so he can lead the away team, I hope. I want our first contact with > whoever we're going to meet to be with him; REBECCA: You're going to make Gryphon the first contact any alien race has with humanity? Don't you want to make a *good* impression instead? RACE: Well, given a choice between him and Joanna Dark... [A beat.] RACE: ...well, Joanna Dark. Never mind. > he's one of the more stable people here when dealing with strangers." DH1: Oh, boy. *That* can't be good. > "Like bullshit?" RACE : No. Gets caught between my teeth. > "Okay... but it'll give him something to do." > "Like good point. Um, like, recover from what?" REBECCA: I mean, *besides* losing his mother and all?! > "I don't know if he wants everyone to know or not...I > can't tell you. Sorry." > "No problem..." LYNX : Prick. TBS : Slut. LYNX : He-slut. > "Where's Yuri?" > "Dunno." > "Has anyone seen Yuri?" RACE: Every friggin' *day*, baby! w00t! > There were a series of NO!'s which did not in anyway > resemble a resounding chorus. GAVOK: So, I guess it's a resounding celeste. TIFF: Um, no. GAVOK: Resounding reverberation? TIFF: No, and that's redundant. GAVOK: You mean...a resounding attack time? [TIFFA pulls the chainsaw's cord.] GAVOK: Uh...don't you think you're overreacting? TIFF: Tell me why you should receive mercy... LYNX: Hey! No violence! I don't *like* vomiting! GAVOK: Why, we should receive mercy because we're so-- MMK : LOVABLE! GO! [MMK, GAVOK and TBS dash at TIFF.] TIFF: Wha? [TBS wraps himself around TIFF's feet. MMK and GAVOK both clamp Six Seconds Magic armbars on TIFF's arms.] RACE : Good lord. TIFF: Hey! HEY! [TIFF attempts to move.] TIFF: I'm stuck! DH1: I'll be damned. [TIFF tries desperately to get loose. All this accomplishes is making the pile fall down.] TIFF: Help me! TBS: Do you promise not to be so violent? TIFF: No! [MMK and GAVOK clamp down harder on the armbars.] TIFF: Ow! Ow ow ow! Hey! Okay! I promise! GAVOK: Success! [MMK, GAVOK and TBS release TIFF and crawl back to their places.] TIFF : Ow. > "Well, if you see her let her know I'm looking for her. MMK : Looking for someone... I gue-e-es I'm doooo-ing tha-a-at... > I'll go check E7 again." > > "Kei. Kei. Wake up," Zoner said, gently shaking her. REBECCA : You dare disturb the Magnificent Kei's slumber? WA-TAK! [The phone rings. REBECCA shoots it.] > "Mmmpphh?" > "Kei, do you know where Yuri is?" DH1 : Well, Billy, Yuri's in a better place now. Now piss off. And keep those damn hands where I can *see* them. > "Yuri? LYNX : Well, have you checked the Sakura Archive? > Uhhh, no, why?" Kei responded sleepily. > "I need to talk to her." TBS: And then sleep with her. RACE: Don't remind me. > "Well, you sure didn't want to earlier!" > "What do you mean?" > "She ran out of here crying when Jenna came to see you." > "She did? Why?" GAVOK : You were dancing naked to "Shine On You Crazy Diamond!" Isn't that enough? > "She doesn't think that you care about her any more." DH1 : But I was *Floyding* back then. That's different. > "How could she ever think that? Of course I care about > her. In fact the reason I'm looking for her is so I can > apologize for the way I've acted the past couple of weeks. GAVOK : The whole thing about her having a moustache... I, uh, really shouldn't have said that. > Jenna helped me sort out my feelings about our situation." DH1: So that's what they call it now. > "Gaaah...that's the captain of all `duh's," Kei observed > coldly. "Okay, let me spell it out for you: TBS : She... does not... SWING... that way. > Yuri is convinced that you don't care about her. When you let Jenna > in to see you right after you turned her away she was > convinced that you loved Jenna and not her." > "How could she assume that?? TIFF : Probably because you're slimy and untrustworthy. RACE : But *still*! MMK: Hey, he's doing that weird punctuation thing again.. DH1: He punctuates the way some bayou people use adjectives. > Jenna is a good friend. I care about her a lot, sure, but I care > about all of my friends. I owe my life, and more, to her, she's > earned my trust and I enjoy talking with her. GAVOK: Dude, you either need a priority overhaul or "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." RACE: What he's going to *need* is either ablative armor or an inflatable date. Either way, I'm not sure I want to see it. > We're similar in many ways. But we're just friends! MMK : The steamy sex we have is *purely* platonic! REBECCA : You're an idiot. MMK : Well, you know what I *mean*! > Yuri is the one I love!" > "Yuri can be insecure sometimes," Paul said from the > sofa by the stereo. > "Paul!" Zoner and Kei exclaimed in unison. LYNX : Are you this week's wacky guest star? Are hijinks afoot? > "How long have you been over there?" DH1 : Since the beginning of the damn story. Why? RACE : Ever since Vaughn let me in from outside. > "..." was Paul's response. TBS: Look out! He's actually Sephiroth in disguise and he's planning on stabbing every single one of you! [A pause.] TBS: ...actually, that'd be kinda cool. > "Mmmmmwuarrrrggh. MMK: Hey! Lavos came along too! > What's all the noise? Who turned on the goddamned light?" Gryphon > mumbled. DH1: Well, shit. He's up. Six more weeks of winter, everyone. > "It's Zoner, I'm looking for Yuri." LYNX : Did you look at nifty.org? > "Oh are you." Zoner had the sudden feeling that Happy > Fun Gryphon was neither happy nor fun at the moment. REBECCA: Do not taunt Happy Fun Gryphon. GAVOK: Once more, advertising had let him down. Another tiny piece of his childhood was gone forever. > "Yeah, I want to talk to her." > "Hmm. Why the sudden change of heart?" > "I just need to talk to her." RACE : If you know what I *mean* by "*talk*," nudge nudge wink wink thrust thrust spank spank wank? DH1 : *Dude*! > "Oh, I see." Gryphon's voice dripped with disdain. GAVOK: Hey! Say it, don't spray it! > "Well, after you blew her off, [MMK waggles his eyebrows.] > she said she would, how did she put it, `give you room'. See, > she has a noble nature, and she's insecure sometimes... REBECCA: So! Science fiction, anyone? LYNX: You are aware on some basic level that no one cares about this, right, story? GAVOK: This *whole thing* is going to be like him telling us about the history of Millinocket in "Warrior's Legacy." I just know it. > she thinks you love Jenna, so > she's getting out of the way rather than tie you down to > something you don't appear to want. In other words, > bonehead, she left." RACE : Oh, since you put it like THAT. > "Left? How the fuck can you leave a ship in deep space--hold it," > Zoner said, a creeping fear rising and being quickly crushed as he > ran to the PA box. TIFF: Then he heard the telltale blast of a shotgun, and realized he was a bit too late. > "q, start a search for Yuri. MMK : I'll, like, load up the A.S.S. FTP. > And... And have the crew check on all spaceworthy vehicles." REBECCA: How many spaceworthy vehicles would you have in a dorm anyway? LYNX: I had a Gremlin that could smoke anything on the road. REBECCA: That doesn't count. LYNX: In this context, it does. REBECCA: You've got a point there. > "Like, will do. Any particular reason?" > "Yeah, I think Yuri may have taken one and left." > "Like, why?" > "Long story, I don't want to get into it now. TBS: Short premise, then? GAVOK: Zoner's a dolt. TBS: Fine for me. > Just get on it. Ok?" DH1 : Like, I'm not *that* pervy, dude. > "Like, ok." > "How long ago did she leave?" Zoner asked, turning his > attention back to Ben and Kei. > "She left while you were talking with Jenna," Kei answered. > "That was about an hour ago!" Zoner yelled, visibly upset. MMK : Actually, it was about eight days... *Zoner*. > "Well, it's your own fucking fault she left," Ben > snarled. He was obviously very upset, and taking it out on > Mr. Convenient Target himself. REBECCA: Mr. Convenient Target, soon to get his own Vertigo series. LYNX: The part of Zoner will be played by Christopher Chance. > "Ben! How can you say that to him? He's upset enough > with things the way they are. He doesn't need you to rub it > in," Kei scolded. RACE: Oh yes he *does*! > Yuri's departure was tearing her up as > well, but she had slammed a good heavy layer of fake > toughness over that--it wouldn't start to consciously bother > her for a good two hours. TBS: Of course it'll wear out after a shoddy job like that. I'd go with an even base coat of false sincerity, trimmed with subtle accents of affected compassion and feigned interest. MMK: It's a little pricey, but you'll make it back on the first year's therapy bills. > "It's ok, Kei, I deserved that. It is my fault. RACE: Uh-oh. Zoner just said the secret words. GAVOK: The next few hours will be a rich cornucopia of attempts to relieve his guilt... > If I hadn't been so self-absorbed I would have noticed that I was > driving her away. The important thing to do now is find her." TBS : And bathe her. DH1 : And bring her to me. > "Yo, like Zoner," q's voice called from the PA. > "What'd you find, q?" REBECCA : A quarter! Like, wai! > "Yuri doesn't appear to be onboard, and.." > "And what?" DH1 : Well, like, let's just say that your *new* girlfriend will be played by Sandy Duncan, okay? > "It appears that like the Garland is gone too?" MMK: And boy, are the Four Fiends pissed! REBECCA: I'd love to know what she's planning on doing with a Garland in space. Really. > "Shit! MMK: Gee, *someone* wants a job on Cowboy Bebop. > Thanks, I guess I'll have to look for her myself. q, start > transmitting on our communications frequency. REBECCA : Dude, this was like a *dorm*. LYNX : Fetch me two tin cans and a *long* piece of string! > Send out the following message: DH1 : The bombing starts in five minutes. > `Yuri, I still love you. TBS : I can change, baby. I will freak you wild. > Please return. Zoner.'" DH1 : "PS: And bring that bike back too! Those don't grow on *trees*, you bitch!" LYNX : Uh, I'd leave that part out. > "Like, I'll start right now. And Zoner?" > "Yeah?" TIFF : Like, UP YOURS! > "Like good luck." DH1 : If she kills you, can I have your donut? RACE : Yeah, but you gotta finish that house in Concord for Susan. > "Thanks, q." > Ben rose purposefully from the bed and pulled on his > shoes. > "Where're you going?" Kei inquired. GAVOK: Nowhere in particular. MMK: Man, I wish I was you. > "Out." > "Out where?" > "Just out. Out the back door. DH1: Funny, that's where he usually goes *in*. GAVOK : Not a fan of the ladies, are you, Hutchins? TIFF: *Guys*... > I'd advise you all to grab something anchored." > Gryphon rezzed up his GRF-3N Griffin III Armored Combat Suit REBECCA: Ask for it by friggin' *name*. LYNX: Have you noticed how often his superheroic moniker fades in and out like that? > and walked to the back door. > "Oh shit, grab something!" Zoner yelled. GAVOK : Like me! MEEEEEE! > Gryphon opened the door and stepped out into space. > Accompanied by a large amount of kipple which was blown out > along with a good deal of air. GAVOK: FIIIIIIIIISH IIIIIIIN SPAAAAAAAAACE! TBS: Kipple. Not kipper. MMK: Hey! This place must be the Kipple Server! TIFF : MMK... > The PA blared to life. "WARNING! WARNING! HULL > BREACH! HULL BREACH! HULL--NEVER MIND. I'M GETTING > SICK OF THIS." ALL: Join the club! > "Well, he isn't the only one who's going to search for > her," Zoner said as he grabbed his CVR-3 and took off at a > run for the bridge, TIFF: ...immediately *losing* his grip and being *sucked* into *space* along with all the *kipple*... > slapping pieces of it into place as he > ran (an awkward task, to be sure). DH1: Yes, those who would dare to win back their true loves must face many obstacles indeed. REBECCA: Let's see him do up the groin buckle at a dead sprint. LYNX: That's how *I* define comedy. > ----------------------------------------------------------SIX MMK: ...DEADLY SINS! TBS: I thought it was seven. MMK: Sloth took the day off. TBS: Figures. > "Did you ever have one of those days when it all was > going wrong?" RACE: Behold the perfect example of just such a day. > --Tesla REBECCA: He said that right before inventing his infamous Tesla Coil. > "ReRob, you have the conn. GAVOK : Vaughn, you have the pro. q, you have the amateur. Jenna, you have the moves. MMK : Who's got the motion? GAVOK : I've got the motion... GAVOK , TBS , MMK , RACE : When we get together, we'll be causing a commotion! > I have to do a little Search and Rescue mission." DH1: Objective added: Find Yuri. > "I heard. Where's Gryphon?" LYNX : He's tossin' a few back with Waldo. > "He put on his armor and went out the back." MMK : I *told* him there was no backplate welded on the thing, but did he listen? No... > "Oh, that explains the alarm. DH1 : I was vaguely worried it was something serious. Vaguely. > Good luck." GAVOK : GOOD LUCK! YOUUUUUUU'LL NEED IT! > "Thanks, I'll need it. See you when I find her." With > that Zoner climbed the ladder to the Daytona from Hell. TBS: Try as he might, he could never, ever get that hairpin turn on the Beginner stage. > "If you find her," ReRob mumbled. GAVOK : Naah. I just have to look for exploding celestial objects. MMK: Makes you wonder why she's called an "Angel" in the first place... TBS: Hey, if they'll let Michael in, they'll let anyone in. RACE : Yuri? Pfft. Rank amateur. > Just after he left, Kei entered the bridge, wearing her > black CVR-3 and carrying a large box with wheels on it. REBECCA: It's the futuristic version of The Luggage. Cool. > She stepped into the portside airlock and, without saying a word, > decompressed it into space. Unfolding her VR-052 Battler > Cyclone, REBECCA: It's Kei who wears the man's Cyclone in her family. > she transformed it to battloid mode and streaked > away on full jet. LYNX: Y'know, this 'fic only exists to sell the toy line. TBS: Much like N'Sync videos. LYNX: No, those only exist to parody Tron. > Zoner looked down at his sensor panels. Radar was > indicating himself, the Wedge, and three other blips. [DH1 chuckles.] REBECCA: Don't. > One was moving away from the Wedge at Mach 1 (where Mach in > space was determined to be 750 mph), TBS: Actually, Mach symbolizes the speed of sound, and since sound doesn't technically travel in a vacuum... GAVOK: You're sounding like Arlieth, dude. > one was directly on its trail > at Mach 4.7, and the other was coming up behind him at 400 > miles per hour. MMK: Calculate the time that they would meet in the middle. TBS: But it's 1934! That railway hasn't been built yet! [A beat. Everyone slowly stares at TBS.] TBS: ...never mind. > The Mach 4.7 blip was undoubtedly Gryphon; > his armor was the fastest thing in the Wedge's arsenal. ALL: Naturally. > Even the Daytona from Hell could only sustain Mach 3.5, for now. TBS: Should've chosen Manual transmission. > The 400-mph blip had to be a Cyclone, which would make it > Kei; nothing else was that slow in space. REBECCA: Actually, you'd better hope it's *not* Kei. Cyclones aren't airtight or pressurized, you know. TIFF: Maximum speeds in space? Yeah, right. VOICE: Actually, that comes from a role-playing game they talked about in the first Undocumented Features. TIFF: So... by carping about their clever invocation of somebody else's no-physics mistake, we're playing right into their hands? RACE: Right. Don't you just hate it when that happens? > That left the obvious one, the one with the biggest head start and > the odd speed, to be the Garland. MMK: Can't let Tiamat know he's A.W.O.L. Gotta move real slow-like. > Zoner opened up a radio frequency to the Cyclone. > "Kei, that you?" he asked. > "Of course it is. MMK : Wasn't sub-mach speed enough of a tip-off? > She's my partner, I'm not gonna sit > back and let other people search for her." REBECCA : But your *mech* isn't *airtight.* LYNX : Oh, you and your silly *physics.* > "It isn't much of a search; I have her on radar." > "Yeah...my Cyclone only has one-mile radar capability, > or I'd be seeing her. REBECCA : To meet her standards, you need something with three-mile capacity. > The Wedge just went off my scale." REBECCA: Now I get it! Should a Cyclone slip back in time to the Battle of Britain, its technology won't be good enough to cause a paradox. RACE: ...what? > "That thing's too slow," Zoner said as he braked. > "Catch up and grab on." > "Right. Thanks." Zoner slowed further, allowing her to > catch up and grab onto the Daytona's undercarriage. REBECCA: I guess it's only natural that the stuff these guys dream up is way better than the stuff that they pinch from other people's works. [sighs] TBS: Dude. She said undercarriage. [LYNX pauses, and baps him with a pillow on general principle.] > Then, as soon as she was sure the Cyclone's powerful exoskeleton had > a good grip, he opened her up. GAVOK: Ouch. Poor Kei! TIFF: Which led to the unfortunate demise of Kei, as the vacuum of space caused her body to explode. Zoner would follow, as Yuri found out about Zoner's carelessness and blasted both him and Gryphon into bits. The end. [ALL look at TIFF warily.] TIFF <^_^ing>: ...oh, pardon me. > Gryphon was half-exulting in the incredible feeling of > streaking through open space at nearly five times the speed > of soundlessness-- GAVOK: You can take that line SOOOOO the wrong way. MMK : Tra la la la la... I'm happy and supersonic in space without any clothes on... la la la la... not a care in the world or physics... la la la la la... > and half-worried to death. He could see > the glow of Yuri's thrusters now, having closed the gap > between them quite rapidly. The GRF-3N was a damn mobile > piece of equipment. REBECCA: Despite the fact that the jump jets on it were only designed for short hops of around 200m or so. TBS: It's a robot! It can do anything! REBECCA: And I bet you never take anything less than an Atlas. TBS: ...sometimes. > On the other hand, coming up behind her > so fast, it was quite certain that she would notice him > before long. > Indeed, she did notice him; the Garland suddenly spun, MMK: And proceeded to shout "I will knock you ALL down!" > as he got within visual-detail range, and raised its 25mm > machine rifle. REBECCA: Go on, Yuri. You *know* you want to... DH1: Don't fire 'till you see the glint in the polarized faceplate... > "Stay away, Ben," Yuri's voice said in his ears. "I can > take a hint. I appreciate the sentiment, but don't try to > bring me back." TBS: I read that in an FF7 fic once. RACE: Yuri as Aerith... TIFF: Doujins aren't canon. RACE: Point. > "Yuri...first of all, I doubt you can hurt my armor with > that gun. ALL: Naturally. REBECCA: Does that thing have *any* weak points? MMK: Sure. Push it hard enough, and it changes from a Griffin to a Munchkin. > Second, I'm not going to leave you out here. > You're at least two weeks from anywhere you can get out of > that thing, and you only have a couple of hours of air. REBECCA: I seem to recall saying something about them not being airtight and all... > Third, Zoner is extremely sorry for what he did. I made > certain he feels like shit about it." TIFF : Yeah, well, it's not the only thing he's shit at. TBS: Tiffa! TIFF : Never does the dishes, never takes out the garbage, never helps around the house... TBS: And I had such hope for you. TIFF: Hard-boiled Snot... you're still alive. > "Sure he's sorry. There's nothing for him to be sorry > for. He just doesn't love me, that's all--it's not his > fault. I won't stand in his way." LYNX: So your storming out an airlock without food or water, in a mech that isn't even airtight, when you're light-years from Earth in an unknown system, will in some way be the best thing for everyone? RACE: If you think about it, it'll hurt. If you don't, it doesn't. > Her voice caught. "I don't believe in tying people down." TBS: How about handcuffs, then? TIFF: Snot... REBECCA: Well, Evil Yuri had some strange tendencies... > "It isn't like that. It's just that he never thinks." DH1: Wheel's turning, but the hamster's dead. RACE: Really big fan of Xena. MMK.: Or else... he doesn't want to think. GAVOK: You sure? MMK.: There's only one reason to saturate yourself with Pink Floyd and happy herbs, my friend. GAVOK: Wouldn't the Scofield Reference Bible do a better job of that? TBS: He's not trying hard enough. He should be listening to the Grateful Dead. > Gryphon had nearly pulled even with the Garland by now. "You > know how he just pulls incredible `duh's sometimes... RACE : And he has the nerve to bring those trollops home! > he just never thought that you would doubt him." > "Fuck that!" Yuri shouted bitterly. MMK : Okay. Gonna need an orifice, though... > "I'm not stupid, you know--I can take a hint. When someone says > `go away' that loudly and clearly, I can hear them. I'm not Nedlike." DH1: Ned? Ned who? MMK: Indeedily-doodily not Nedlike, even. TBS: Maybe she's not Ned Land-like, and she won't try to harpoon the Nautilus. TIFF: Or maybe she's not Ned Ludd-like, and she won't try to smash the trappings of a developing machine culture. > "Now you're being just as silly as he was. He didn't > even realize he was hurting you until Kei and I told him. RACE: And even then, he went back and started playing "Dark Side of the Moon," but STILL... > Even then it surprised the hell out of him. He loves you." > Before she could interrupt him with anything more, he cut in, > "And so do I." ALL: Ew. MMK : He loves you, so do I, let's hang Barney with this tie! > "What?!" Yuri replied. "But what about--I can't believe > you'd do something like that to Kei--" LYNX: And then the Aura of Smooth kicked in, and Yuri couldn't speak for the next ten minutes. TIFF: Bitter? LYNX: Natch. > "No, no, no, no, no, geez, why does everyone > automatically assume when a man says something like that to a > woman he means-- DH1: Because he fucking *does*, weaksauce. Next question. > Christ, Yuri, you love Kei and Kei loves you, RACE: Doujins aren't canon. TBS: Unfortunately. RACE: Dude. *Think* about what you're saying. MMK : Girls who want boys/who like boys to be girls/who do boys like they're girls/who do girls like they're boys/always should be someone you really love... > and you go around shooting people if anyone implies something > like that between the two of you! TBS: That's what I meant by unfortunately. > Great. Now I'm getting angry. I don't want to be angry, goddammit! DH1: He wants to be Fun Cheery Ben (TM). MMK: Happy Fun Gryphon. DH1: Whatever. MMK: It's important. Happy Fun Gryphon fetches a better price on the collector's market. > I don't know any way to explain it except one that sounds really lame... LYNX : You see, the magic anger faeries... > Yuri, I never had a sister. I'm an only child." REBECCA: That's odd. I could've sworn he was Luke. > "I know what you mean...I'm sorry I shouted at you. I'm > just a little on edge, or I would've known what you meant > right from the start..." GAVOK : Your love was written on my heart. ARL : Arrgh, boy bands are bad enough... > "We all love you, Yuri." REBECCA: This is a touching moment. Did anyone bring beer? RACE: Well, yeah, I love yuri too. MMK: Yuri is fine by me. TBS: I like to cuddle up with yuri before bed, yeah. [The others beat them with a hail of cushions.] > Gryphon noted the Daytona from Hell closing in from back > from the direction of the Wedge, with a Cyclone riding the > undercarriage. LYNX: Airline deregulation has a lot to answer for. > The channel squawked a bit as Zoner cut in > the Daytona's comm gear. > "Yuri! Stop this, I'm sorry, I really am. Please come > back. I...I love you." GAVOK : I can change! I CAN CHANGE! From now on, it'll be like you wanted! You can't walk away from me! > "You're lying! You're just saying that so you don't > look bad, you don't really care. DH1 : Oh. Never mind. Back to the ship. > I've seen you with Jenna. > You're always talking to her, telling her your problems and > secrets. If you really loved me you'd talk to me." REBECCA: Think about this, Yuri. Do you really, *really* want to know *all* of Zoner's problems? > "Fine. I understand, I caused you to lose your trust in > me. I apologize for that. MMK : But I had to do it to defeat Fenris! > I realize you won't be able to > simply jump back into our relationship. But I do still love > you, and you must still care for me or you wouldn't be > running away like this." DH1: It's the touching story of one man's love for his imaginary animated woman. > "I don't care anymore. I wish you would just get out of > my life!" MMK: Hmm... smells like... Franklin. GAVOK: Oh. Minty. > "Yuri, you don't mean that. You ran because you were hurt. DH1 : No, I ran because my boyfriend owes the Mob a million dollars. > You wouldn't be hurt by what I did unless you cared. > Even if you don't want to talk to me, don't do this to > everyone else. What about Kei? TBS: Screw her. What about Marlene? > You know you can't just run away from her. RACE: 'Cause if you did, she'd hunt you down and kill you. > And what about the rest of the Wedge? DH1: They need role models! > Everyone likes you, hell, we all love you. TBS : When bored, the Wedge passes Kei around like a good joint. RACE: ...doujinshis still aren't canon. TBS: Oh, right. Sorry. > You're one of us. > Are you just going to run away from everyone?" REBECCA: Someone please stop this before I die of WAFF overdose. GAVOK: I miss my waffle. > "Stop it! Just stop it! Don't you dare try and guilt > trip me into staying! I...I've made up my mind! I'm > leaving!" ALL: Yeah! Leave! LYNX: I don't know where you'd *go*, per se, but I applaud the decision nonetheless! > "Yuri! How can you do this? How can you leave me after > all we've been through?" Kei cried out. TIFF : If I have to put up with these smarmy gits on my *own*... LYNX : Then why don't YOU leave too?! We can find a planet with an atmosphere! Grow a garden! TIFF : A garden... can I have daffodils? LYNX : Any kind of flower in the world! The universe! Just leave these two! GAVOK : Dude. This plan backfired. MMK : No prob. Just load up them pictures of Lina and Naga. GAVOK : Shotgun on Naga. MMK : You've got to see her first. > "Kei, we've hardly been through anything together. We > didn't even exist a couple of months ago! It's all fake, my > whole life is false. I don't belong here. MMK: 'Cause she's a freak. GAVOK: And a weirdo, and all. > I wasn't meant to exist, to love." MMK : ...Mary Ann. > "I guess that's how you feel about me too then, right Yuri? REBECCA: Oh, don't get her started. > I don't deserve to exist either?" Kei asked, audibly > disturbed and translating it to her own form of anger. LYNX: Look out! Chi-based Big Ass Blast! > "Kei, Yuri, you both exist now. In your mind what you > remember is as real as everything I've ever done. You exist > and you're loved. What is real? TBS: that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet... GAVOK: How'd you manage to capitalize in the middle of the sentence, and not at the beginning? TBS: Practice. > How do we know that we > weren't all created a few moments ago, memories included? LYNX: And Cartesian metaphysics rears its ugly head! TBS : We could all be brains, held in vats, by the Evil Dr. Braino... > For all we know we're all characters in some stupid story. ALL: Yes, you are. REBECCA: Remember folks, awareness of your own fictional state is not necessarily a good thing. > Why are we here? TBS: Forty-two? RACE: Because we're here. Roll the bones. > Because we're here. RACE: Whoops. DH1: Oh, like these guys *wouldn't* listen to *Rush*. > I could go on forever, MMK : ...given the slightest provocation... > but we're not here to do theoretical discussion. DH1: But that's what I came for! > I'm here to get the woman I love back." LYNX : But the woman you love *doesn't exist!* > "Well, I'm not going back. I can't go back there now. RACE : I plugged up the toilet. DH1 : We're leavin' her here. > I can't face you and Jenna. Everyone is going to think I'm a > fool." REBECCA: Just blame it all on your evil impostor from an alternate future or something. Works all the time for me. > "Will you drop that already! Jenna and I are just > friends. Besides, if she thought she was to blame for our > breaking up she'd get really down." DH1: Hey, I fell asleep. Are we watching "Dawson's Creek" or _What's Eating Gilbert Grape_? TBS: It's still UF, man. DH1: Well, crap. > "That's too fucking bad! You should have thought of > that before you shunned me for her!" GAVOK: Only Steve can separate them now! RACE, TBS, MMK : JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY! > "Stop blaming this on her! Jenna and Matt are a couple. > They're fucking engaged! TBS: Yep. That's what they're doing, all right. > This is all just because of your being so goddamn insecure!" > "I'm insecure! I'm insecure! GAVOK: I'm a dirty skunk? I'm a dirty skunk! [MMK holds up a sign saying "Dirty Skunk Season."] > How dare you call me insecure! You're an insensitive bastard!" GAVOK : Bitch. TBS : Slut. GAVOK : Bitch. TBS : Slut. GAVOK : Bitch. TBS : Slut. > "Insensitive?! I may be oblivious at times, MMK : Ben, Kei, please try to calm down... RACE, GAVOK, DH1 : JER-RY! JER-RY! JER-RY! > but maybe it's my fault for loving such an insecure bitch!" REBECCA: Now I see why tennis isn't a spectator sport. > Gryphon couldn't take any more. With a sudden shout of > pure, inarticulate rage, he fired his PPC at nothing at all. GAVOK : ...that hurt. > The resultant flash and the sound of its firing, echoing > through the commsystems from inside his armor, REBECCA: But, wouldn't that require the sound to travel through the space from the weapon to the armor? TIFF: That's logic no science-fiction television show has picked up on yet. > silenced everyone. MMK : Would you like me to sing a song? GAVOK : Yes, yes, I would like to hear that very much. MMK : Daisy, Daisy, give me... your answer... do... > He corrected drift with his reaction jets and > pivoted to face them; inside his faceplate his face was > slowly turning red. He was crying freely and his voice rang > with anguish. MMK : OYAJII!!! > "STOP IT!" he screamed. "STOP IT RIGHT NOW! You two > love each other! I won't just float here and watch you > verbally beat each other's brains in!" REBECCA : At least, not without beer and snacks. GAVOK: Could we at least wait and set it up as a PPV? > He pointed at the Daytona. "You! LYNX : ...dude, I'm just a car. > You're too sensitive for your own good, or > at least that's what you think, so you wall yourself off from > everything and become one of the most insensitive people in > the universe!" GAVOK: Why do I have this urge to say "Weighing in at 250lbs..." right now? MMK: 'Cause he's Mills Lane in a fancy referee suit. GAVOK: Figures. > He swung around and gestured at the Garland. DH1 : I HATED your insensitivity in "Petals In A Glass"! HATED IT! > "You! You're also extremely sensitive. LYNX : What *is* this? Moses come down from the mountain with a hair up his ass to tell us what's *what*? > You take his wall routine as some kind of message. TBS: Yeah. It's all about how the rock industry has come between the performers and their audience. > Compounding that--is you again!" > He swung back toward Zoner. "You also couldn't see the > broad side of a clue B-52 if it was sideslipping toward you! RACE: ...sideslipping? REBECCA: Oh, yeah. It's an aviation term for when you tilt the aircraft to move it horizontally without... [ALL glance and/or stare at her.] REBECCA: ...I'll shut up now. > You don't even realize you're driving the woman who loves you > away--and you don't even for a moment think she might take > your forced isolation the wrong way. DH1: Yeah. She might think he's got a contagious disease or something and want to leave him. TIFF: Tragic, really. > I'm not even going to > get into the ultimate DUH you pulled, I'd get too pissed off > at too many people who have nothing to do with this at all." RACE : You mean that reactor thing? That was your fault. DH1 : See! See! You insensitive bastard! > Once again he pivoted toward Yuri. "And you--you're > becoming just like him! Your sensitivity is one of your > greatest gifts. TBS : Your other greatest gifts are out the front, baby! > Don't follow his example and let it block > you up into your own little cinderblock world. LYNX: Gryphon's anecdote is taken from _Chicken Soup for the Self- Insert's Soul_. Pick it up at all Christian bookstores. > And don't follow mine either DH1: Amazing! Ben passing up a chance to mold her in his own graven image? > and let what you're seeing around you > drive you to the point of utter madness either--figure it out > yourself. Both of us are sensitive people who fucked it > up...don't do the same thing!" TBS : So we should use whips and chains, then? MMK : Yeah. And a camera. That's important. > He jetted back so he could face both of them. "What I > see here is the most colossal fucking misunderstanding in the > universe. REBECCA: Right up there with the Vietnam War. > You two love each other. You fucked up, GAVOK: Well, they didn't really have sex, per se... ALL: WILL YOU SHUT UP??! GAVOK: Right, right... > you took it the wrong way, you started to drift and then you split. > That was stupid! DHi : You NEVER break up in my stories! Do you hear me! NEVER! > Don't let it end this way. This is one of > the best things to happen to either of you--the only really > good thing to happen to either of you for a long time! GAVOK : I think you're selling that really super ice cream sundae I had last week a little too short. > Don't kill it, or so help me I'll kill both of you." MMK : Love one another, or *die!* GAVOK: Boy, major world religions should only make it so clear. > "Ben?!" Zoner choked, not sure of what he had heard. TIFF: Ah, now we're finally beginning to identify with the characters. > Ben hung in space for quite some time, motionless; then > his shoulders slumped and he exhaled hard. TBS : Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out... > "I'm sorry...I just lost it. I saw something beautiful > crumbling away into dust, and I couldn't handle the sight... LYNX: You know, it's that attitude that lead to the Sistene Chapel refurbishment. > I'm sorry. I'll go away now... Suddenly I'm very, very > tired." He shut off his transmitter and floated there, > quivering with tension. TBS: mmmmmMMMMMERTON! > Kei flew to him, braking at his side and putting an arm > over his shoulders. Tapping her helmet to his so only he > could hear, she murmured, LYNX : ...I'm going into insulin shock. Excuse me. > "Good job. If that doesn't do it, there's no hope for either of them." MMK: Somewhere, a deity laughed. Someone was playing his tune. > Zoner was silent for quite a while, struggling with his > thoughts. GAVOK: He lost. Two falls to a submission. > Yuri floated silently as well, contemplating. > Tension rippled. MMK, GAVOK : Ripplerippleripplerippleripple... TBS , RACE : Deedle deedle la! Deedle deedle la! > "Yuri""Zoner," Zoner and Yuri said simultaneously. REBECCA: Even when they're having a Tender Moment, Yuri uses his goofy 'net handle. I find this significant. > "Sorry..." > "Yuri..." > "Go ahead," Yuri said a bit sheepishly. MMK: Zoner and Yuri ARE every leading pair in a Final Fantasy game to date! > "Yuri, I'm sorry. I'm not really angry with you, I guess > I'm angry with myself for driving you away. I don't blame you > for running away. I should have talked with you more." RACE: Dude. Talking makes it worse. > "Talking with her at all would have been a good start!" > Ben angrily interjected. > "Thanks Ben, kindly butt out for now?" Zoner snapped REBECCA: Yeah, Ben, shove off. Go back to messing with other people's Canon. > back. "As I was saying, Yuri, I never realized how much your > short existence bothered you. TIFF : I never paused to consider you as something other than an extension of my own ego. > We really do need to talk. > Please understand, I've been fucked over too many times to > open up easily. REBECCA: Zoner, that was more than I wanted to know about your jammed parts. > But if it makes you uncomfortable, I'll tell > you more about myself. I guess it isn't fair. I know most > of your history, REBECCA : Actually, no, you don't. MMK : Come again? REBECCA : DAMN YOU, ADAM WARREN! DAAAAAMN YOUUUUUU! > yet I'm mostly a mystery. GAVOK: Zoner: Interstellar Man of Mystery! LYNX: Zoner! A enigmatic, secretive man, with hidden depths and a checkered past, of the kind bred only in *rural Maine*! > But we shouldn't sit out her in space and talk, REBECCA: I don't know... Kei's managed to resist explosive decompression so far. > we ought to return to the ship." > "I'm sorry too. I guess I let all of my worries add up > and overcome me. I reacted a little extremely. TIFF: "A little?" DH1: Hey, she didn't blow up the ship. > I'll come back with you." > "Thank you, Yuri. Thank you." > "You guys take off, Ben and I will return in a little while." DH1: They have to run off and join the Outside An Atmospheric Envelope Club. RACE : He's attempting re-entry, sir. > "Ok, and thanks, both of you. Yuri, grab on to the > undercarriage. LYNX : Zoner-chan, we're not *alone*! [giggles] > It'll be quicker." > "Ok." > Yuri grabbed onto the Daytona from Hell and they both > departed for the Wedge at high velocity. REBECCA: Set warp factor five, Mr. Sulu. TBS: Set course... [waves finger] ...thataway. > --------------------------------------------------------SEVEN > > "I hope you feel real...do you feel real? DH1: Well, I would need to conduct some minor tests. RACE : Just... try to relax. > And if so I'd like to know." > --Jesus Jones GAVOK : Okay, Jones, I'm calling you out! MMK : Not 'till you say a hundred Hail Marys! GAVOK : You son of a gun. > All was silence. This is How It Should Be ALL: Damn straight. > in space, ALL: Oh... > but still, it made Gryphon decidedly uncomfortable. REBECCA : Ben? What are you doing, Ben? Ben, can we talk about this? > Several points he truly hadn't wanted to be raised were in the > last couple of minutes, things he really hadn't wanted to think > about. TIFF : ...and I can't close my eyes and make them go away... REBECCA : So if we're all characters in a story, what medium are we in? And who's story is it? And are we being published or freely distributed? LYNX: The idea that you might be literary freeware is always a sobering thought. > It wasn't at all like Kei to be silent for so long... > "Ben?" she finally said. DH1 : Let's play a game. It's called, "Is There A God?" > He was almost relieved, but > her tone of voice set off all his mental alarms. > He had a Very Bad FeelingTM about this. RACE : If she says "Let's just be friends," so help me *God*, I'm gonna-- > "Yeah?" he replied, trying to sound neutral (not easy, > considering that his friend Mr. Endorphin Rush was still > around). MMK: I'm pretty sure that Mr. Endorphin Rush is *not* your friend, regardless of what he'd tell you. GAVOK : Hey, dude! Let's go run around in heavy traffic! D'ya wanna? TIFF: No, guys, you're thinking of Mr. Morphine Rush. > "Do...do you really love me?" REBECCA: I call no love song riffs. [TBS opens mouth.] TIFF: Or anything along the lines of "I only love you for your muffins." TBS: But RECBT has all *kinds* of OCR cool! > "Aw, no...not you too...yes, Kei, of course I really > love you! You know you're the most important person in my > life. DH1 : ...with the possible exception of Kevin Siembieda. ALL: Uncle Kev! > Why the sudden worry?" The answer was perfectly > obvious, of course, but the question needed asking > nonetheless. "This is some existence thing, isn't it?" REBECCA: Oh sure, pick on that one little thing, why don't you? > "Well...Yuri had a point. Our history isn't real. TBS : All stories are true. > Almost nothing about us is real. RACE : Not even these are real! MMK : ...you mean... RACE : That's right, baby. The twins are plastic. MMK : ...my whole life is a lie. > Not even our last names. RACE : Yeah, and my parents *named* me Gryphon. Come on. DH1 : ...but... but... RACE : You know, we're both running out of air. > We aren't real people." She sounded on the verge of tears. REBECCA: So that would leave them with... a bunch of college geeks stranded in the middle of space with a perfectly ordinary dorm? Cool. > "Maybe...maybe we weren't meant to exist." > "If you weren't meant to exist, you wouldn't," replied > Ben flatly. "But you do." TBS : I can see you, touch you, hear your voice; you're real. LYNX : You can't trust empirical evidence. You just can't. According to Descartes-- TBS : *Enough* of Descartes! Always Descartes with you! Why can't you be *rational* for once? LYNX : Oh, and who's *rational*, huh? Kant? TBS : Fine! We'll use Kant! You're a creature of phenomenal reality, which is the only thing I can interact with! Thus, you exist! LYNX : But what if I'm numenal? TBS : Then I couldn't see you to begin with! It's an illusion! LYNX : Oh, so now you're using *Hegel*. Good. Fine. Bring the German nihilist into this discussion on *your* side-- [TBS and LYNX trail off as they notice ALL others staring at them.] TBS: Whoops. LYNX: So sorry. GAVOK: ...*dude*. > "But I'm not a real person!" She really was crying now. MMK : You're not *really* here. These girls aren't real; *none* of this exists. Now, let's go on from there. > "Aren't you?" Gryphon considered. "You don't think > you're real." She shook her head. "Well then...neither am I." TBS : Cogito ergo sum, baby... cogito ergo sum. > "What?!" > "Well, if you aren't, I certainly don't want to be. I > am hereby no longer real. There. That was easy enough." REBECCA: Uh-oh. DH1: He disbelieved himself. This could get messy. > He grinned under his helmet. "Real, not real...it's all the > same. RACE : Does that mean I can pay you back in Monopoly money? DH1 : You're distorting my argument. > You and I are here, we're together, and I love you > more than anyone or anything else. TIFF: I can't wait to see what happens when Cammy finds out. > More than my life, if it ever comes to that." > "You...you really mean that...don't you?" It was more > of a statement than a question. DH1 : If I say "yes," will you sleep with me? > "You never have to ask. The answer will always be the > same." He jetted closer and, mecha or no mecha, drew her > into a hug. REBECCA: Nothin' says lovin' like the scream of metal fatigue! > "I'll always love you...real or not." DH1: And we have Dramatic Irony again. TIFF: I wonder if, some day, the world's electricity could be provided by such a substance. It's plentiful and renewable, after all. > "But...but if I'm not real, can I love you back? You > deserve that much." LYNX: If you weren't real, you couldn't *ask these questions*, you sixteen-bit bimbo! Use your brain! MMK : I need to get to the wizard! TBS : But I'm not sure I *have* a brain... REBECCA: Don't you start that again. GAVOK: Please. For the love of God. *Don't* start that again. > "Well, do you or don't you? It's a simple question." > She paused, deep in thought; at this range, through the > face shield of her CVR-3, he could see tears squeezing from > under tightly closed eyelids and floating spherically into > the open space of her helmet. DH1: Hold up. If I remember my _Star Trek VI_ physics correctly, this means that the inside of her helmet is a vacuum... TIFF: But, taking _Total Recall_ as an example, her face doesn't look like it's being abused by a toddler with Silly Putty. MMK: I guess we'll never know. REBECCA: It still isn't airtight, you know. > He found himself wondering briefly what her answer would be. RACE: But then he remembered, "Oh, yeah, I'm the center of the universe," and moved on. > "I...yes. Yes. I love you." Her eyes opened and she > smiled broadly. Tears of happiness, then. "I love you!" [GAVOK stands on top of the coffee table.] GAVOK : I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of, a love that I am sure of, a love that I would die for... TIFF: I'm pretty sure you fucked up the lyrics, man. GAVOK: Well, there's nothing I can do about *that*, now, is there? > She threw her arms around him, returning the embrace he had > held her in for the past few minutes. DH1: ...hmm. I wonder if I could care about this if I tried. [squints] ...nope. But I tried. > Ben's spirits shot through the top of all creation-- MMK: We have liftoff! [ALL cheer.] REBECCA: It just ain't a Hutchins fic unless a woman makes his head explode! > like, have another endorphin rush. GAVOK: More morphine? Don't mind if I do! TIFF: He said "endorphin," you idiot. > Well, there was one crisis past...his own hot tears of > relief began to flow freely. LYNX: Once again, folks: Ben Hutchins is a *real* man. GAVOK: So, yeah, I was thinking about going gender-neutral. You know, all the kids are doing it. TBS: That sounds hip! MMK: I'm excited to be a part of it! > "You see? It's simple. DH1 : She jumped off the bridge at the end because she's making a wish. That's really all there is to it. > My love for you makes you real. TIFF: Oh, for the love of *God*... RACE: No, Tiff, now he thinks he's god... [shudders] REBECCA : I'm the focal point of your existence! > Your love for me makes me real. It sounds awfully silly and > sentimental, but it's the way things work." TBS: Well, crap. Seeya, guys, I no longer exist. TIFF: 'Kay. RACE: Later. LYNX: Close the door on the way out. TBS: Hey! I'm fishing for *reassurance* here! > "I'm sorry for doubting you...I just...I..." DH1 : I'll forgive you. *This* time. > "Sshhh, go ahead. You don't have to be tough around me, > I know what you're really like. Zoner's silent-tough-guy-I- > can-handle-it routine is what got him into trouble in the > first place." MMK: This thing is to New-Age Guy-ism what _Battlefield Earth_ is to Scientology. REBECCA: Noseplugs and all. > He tightened his embrace, careful not to exert > anywhere near the limit of force his armor could apply. "You > and I are more than lovers. RACE : But how can we be lovers if we can't be friends, how can we start over when the fighting never ends oh baby-- [He is buried in a hail of cushions.] > We can share anything. LYNX : Including my raging case of the clap? RACE : Yes. Even your raging case of--*what*?! > Anything at all. TBS: Cool! He's gonna give her the Matrix of Leadership! GAVOK: He can't do that! She'd turn into the lame-ass Kei-mus Prime and we'd be stuck with GalvaLargo! REBECCA: Hey, don't knock GalvaLargo. He rocks. > You're my best friend, Kei." LYNX: Is this a cry for help? TIFF: If so, it's going sadly unanswered. > "Oh, Ben...I love you so much..." > "I love you too, Kei," he replied...and it wasn't just a > rote response. REBECCA: I love you, Tiff. I love you, Lynx. I love you, MMK. I love you, Gavok-- [RACE hits her with a cushion.] REBECCA: Thanks. I needed that. > They drifted for some time that way, silent, > almost helmet to helmet. MMK: Full body space suits... now that's safe sex! DH1 : Just leave the sperm in a dish in the airlock, honey! > "Feel better?" Ben asked at length. > "A little...I'm still not sure of a few things, but I > don't really want to hang out here in space discussing them. > I'd prefer someplace more comfortable." MMK : There's a corner of the Gweepery I've designated as the "Love Spot." > "I know what you mean...I don't particularly like open > space, myself...on the other hand, I don't like water deeper > than five foot three either. LYNX: You ever notice how no one's ever seen Ben Hutchins and Ben Schumin in the same room at the same time? > I would have suggested going > back right away...but I figured a few things had to be > cleared up first. Ready to head back?" > "Uh huh...you?" REBECCA : Let me check out the souvenir stand first. > "Yep." He pivoted so that he was facing the Wedge (and, > consequently, she was away from it), and started > accelerating. Slowly, because Cyclones don't have Inertial- > Vector control systems, and rapid acceleration to Relative > Mach 4.7 would probably damage the wearer. LYNX: ...well, that was handled with the grace and sensitivity of Michael Crichton... TBS: If Tom Clancy wrote love scenes, I think it'd go... a little something... like this. Let's watch. > He didn't really need to see where he was going right away; > his scopes did that for him. Besides, he didn't want to break > eye contact quite yet. DH1: They can be quite expensive, after all. TIFF: Contact. One. Singular. DH1: So he has monocular vision! Leave him alone! > Zoner and Yuri arrived back at the Wedge well ahead of > Ben and Kei. Zoner dropped Yuri off by one of the airlocks > and docked the Daytona from Hell on the roof. GAVOK: He then went and asked the arcade attendant to give him his quarters back. > Yuri was already out of the Garland and caught in the middle > of a group of welcoming Wedge Rats by the time Zoner dropped in > through the roof hatch. > "Like, welcome back Zoner. Glad to see you were > successful," q said in greeting. > "Yeah, glad to see you together again," Grendel added. GAVOK : You guys wouldn't be luring me into a false sense of security, would you? MMK : ...um... no? GAVOK : Is that a fire axe behind your back? MMK : No! I'm hurt that you'd even think that! RACE : So *that's* where my crowbar went! MMK : ...uh-oh. > "Well, I think I'm the happiest about the situation," > Zoner replied as he worked his way over to Yuri, shedding > CVR-3 along the way and dumping it carelessly into the kipple > on the floor. REBECCA: Chip wrappers, drink containers... hey, there's a signed first edition Necronomicon down here. > "Yuri, I do love you!" Zoner proclaimed as he gathered > Yuri into his arms and kissed her. > "I love you too Zoner," Yuri replied, kissing him again. MMK: I have a toothache. TBS: I want to see more robots. RACE: I want to see this guy's head on a pike. GAVOK: Lord of the Flies! Avaunt! > "I think we have a lot of talking to do. Let's go back > our room. I have a lot to tell you about me," LYNX : ...um, wait! I, uh, I left my keys out there! > Zoner placed his arm around Yuri's waist and began walking > towards the stairway to E7. REBECCA : And she's buying a stairway to E-7... > As they descended the stairway he shouted > back, "ReRob, you have the conn until Ben returns, LYNX : Hey, Mister, want to buy a bridge? Nearly new! Of *course* I own it! > and if he > doesn't want it, which he probably won't, even after he > returns. And I don't want to be disturbed for anything less > than a life threatening emergency." TBS: Dude. Zoner's getting some. RACE: May he die of a nasty overdose. MMK: Say! Maybe he'd let Yuri have a puff on his bong? RACE: Leave me. I need peace. > Zoner and Yuri continued on to E7. Mark and Vaughn were > in the living room watching the School House Rock video > cassette. RACE : Working on homework, gentlemen? > "Good morning. Welcome back, nice to see you again," > Vaughn greeted from the couch. "Pardon me...I saw some neat > rocks out the window. I'm going to go play." REBECCA: One of these days, Reality is going to catch up with Vaughn. It's going to be messy, but strangely funny too. > "You have more problems with women," Mark commented. TBS: And the part of Mark will be played by Kelly Rose. MMK : You have much to learn, young padawan. > "Shut up Mark, Yuri and I have a lot to talk about. > Don't disturb us." Yuri and Zoner retreated to their room. REBECCA : And if you hear me screaming, do not, I repeat do *not*, come to my rescue. > Gryphon's room was where the Morgan Hall elevator had > been; in fact, the entrance to his room was now an airlock > formed by the old elevator door and his own old room door. TIFF: And if I ever decide to take a normal building out into space, I'll remember that fact. > He and Kei, of course, had to get back into the ship through > one of the bridge airlocks (opening one of the unsealed doors > and sucking some unwary person from the nosh machines into > open space being considered rather rude when there was no > emergency). REBECCA: Why? It'd just be an extra. It's not like extras count or anything. > As they entered the Wedge, TBS: Maybe I've been playing too much Final Fantasy, but, that line seems wrong. [A pause.] TBS: Oh, shit. I'll be running now. > a chorus of applause rose from the people sitting around. TIFF: I was waiting for him to get his studio audience. > "What?" Gryphon said, looking around, confused. LYNX : Congratulations! REBECCA : Congratulations! TIFF : Congratulations! RACE : Congratulations! GAVOK : Congratulations! MMK : Congratulations! DH1 : Congratulations! TBS : Congratulations! > "We like heard your rantfest," said q casually. "Like > good job." LYNX : However, I disagree with, like, your stance on the Gulf War. > "Oh. Uh...yeah. Sorry." > "Nothing to be sorry about, he deserved it," ReRob > added. He backed away from the captain's chair. "You > want...?" REBECCA : ...me? Now? On the floor? > "After that? Yeah, Rob. Riiiight." LYNX: ReRob's pain and turmoil grew stronger. One day, one day soon, Gryphon *would* love him... oh, yes. He would. > Gryphon gave Rob a slight "duh". "You keep it... MMK : Wow, a "duh" of my very own... > we're going to our room." TBS : T-minus five minutes to immoral cohabitation! > "Not to be disturbed unless it's a life threatening > emergency, I assume?" > "Not to be disturbed even if it's a life threatening > emergency," Gryphon replied without a trace of sarcasm. RACE: Good grief, we've got an emergency right now! > "Got something planned, eh?" said Pfloyd with a silly grin. > "Floyd...die a most horrible death," said Ben and Kei at > the same time. GAVOK : Yeah, well, Pfuck you too! RACE: Never mind! The emergency's over. > "Uh, Pfloyd? I really don't think this is the time..." > said Rob. > "Well it's true," Adam said defensively. DH1 : All truths can be decoded from the passages of the Bible! RACE : Fish sticks are neither a fish nor a stick! LYNX : Sea monkeys aren't monkeys! > "Gaaah...he can be such a bonehead," said Ben as he > wrote "GRYPHON IS [IN], BUT GO AWAY ANYWAY" on his message > board and locked both doors. "I really get tired of him > sometimes..." He picked his way through the accumulating > kipple DH1: Boy, *there's* a word I can't see myself ever getting sick of. REBECCA: ...old comic books, pirate software manuals... Hey! He's got an Atari Jaguar even! > and, dumping his black clothes among it, pulled on a > t-shirt and some shorts. Now he felt much more comfortable. > Out-of-the-room clothes could get so annoying sometimes. MMK: This is why he declared the whole Wedge a no-clothes zone. > He settled onto the bed, sitting up on top of the > sleeping bag; Kei, now similarly attired, climbed up next to > him, and they then arranged the covers warmly. RACE : I'm Al Franken... LYNX : ...and I'm Ariana Huffington. > They spent the next three hours talking about life, one's right > to existence, and the crisis they had just passed. TBS: Dude! Talk about embolism! MMK: Wrong word, Snot. TBS: Whoa! Major symbolism action! MMK: Closer, but, not quite. TBS: Man! This Hutchins indulges in serious Lutheranism! MMK: Let's just move on, shall we? > Nothing was said about the other worry impending on their > minds; what would happen in two days, when they reached their > destination. GAVOK: For then... then, they would have to order. And the drive-through window was closed. > And then, worn out by the high emotions and tension of > the day, they went to sleep by the pink glow of the lava > lamp. REBECCA: Why does the whole idea of people taking lava lamps with them when they go into space fill me with dread? TIFF: Because nothing says "romance" like a lava lamp... MMK: Ummm... Tiff? TIFF: Some people might use a secluded forest being blanketed with rain as a romantic setting...but NNNOOOO! Not Mr. Nitwit here! He uses a damn lava lamp to set the mood! MMK: You keep that up and you'll end up like Arlieth. ARL : Hey! > --------------------------------------------------------EIGHT LYNX: Why was six afraid of seven? Because... RACE: Finish that and it's my turn to hit *you* with a pillow. LYNX: ... oh, you're no fun. > "Though they'll never fathom it behind my/Sarcasm > desperate memories lie/Sweetheart sweetheart are you fast > asleep, good/That's the only time that I can really speak to > you/And there is something that I've locked away/A memory > that is too painful/To withstand the light of day" > --Pink Floyd GAVOK: So... uh, you're buying a Stairway to Heaven? What's the point of this, story? TBS: Five dollars says by the end of the story, they'll quote "The Wall." MMK: You're on. > Zoner and Yuri lay huddled together on his bed, holding > each other as he spun a tale of pain and joy, of friendship > and loneliness, RACE: Of lollipops and candy corn. > as he told her about his life. He looked not at her, but past her, TIFF : Zoner, it really creeps me out when you stare at that stain on the wall. > into the past. As he opened his heart > to her and unveiled the memories he had locked away DH1 : Lockbox... > he relived the emotions, felt them again and for the first time. LYNX : ... and then... the other kids on the playground, they... they gave me a *swirlie*! > She listened, absorbing the story of his life, learning why > he was who he was. GAVOK: With significant embellishment. REBECCA: And why he had no trousers on. > Being as close to him as she was, and > both being empathic, she felt the emotions as he recalled > them. She felt the repression of ideas and the resulting > rebellion of catholic school. LYNX: Who doesn't? > Felt the distance between him and his father grow. DH1: ... and then he pilots Unit-01 because he doesn't want Gendo to send Rei out injured, I've *seen* this story already.... > Felt his pain at being betrayed by his best friend, TBS : ...so I only had two frosty MGDs left, right, but then Rob, that puss, comes over and I'm like, "Hey, have a beer," and he leaves, and no beer! > felt the fear and guilt of trying to kill his sister, MMK: File that under "O" for "Oops" REBECCA: Sounds like Dan. > felt the unforgivable crime she had committed that > had caused it. DH1 : She'll never leave the cap off the toothpaste again! > She felt the loss of trust for the world > which caused him to give up on life, and the depression which > caused him to try and take his own. LYNX: ... you know, we've kinda come a damned long way from the Buckaroo Banzai references in Book One, haven't we? TIFF: I can't hear you. The inner turmoil's too loud. LYNX: WHAT? > The years of loneliness > he forced upon himself to make sure no one got close enough > to hurt him again. RACE: So why did he become a secret agent again? REBECCA: Wrong Zoner. TBS: That's the Earth-2 Zoner, man. RACE: What? TBS: It's a long story. I'll lend you my copy of "Crisis On Infinite Eyries." RACE: ...is that a threat? > She felt the fear and insecurity as his > parents separated, and the joy and reassurance when they > reunited. DH1: And the confusion when they killed each other with salad forks. LYNX: As sands in the hourglass, so are the days of Zoner's life. > The more he talked the more at ease Zoner became; he was > lost in the lands of memories and dreams, simply retelling > his journeys. REBECCA : And in the frozen land of Nador, I was forced to eat Gryphon's minstrals. > He could feel the warmth of Yuri's body > against his, it was a comforting feeling. TBS: Firm and fruity. DH1 : Say, uh, Yuri? When did you get all these tattoos? > Someone he truly > cared for, and who truly cared for him, lying next to him, GAVOK: And she had a pulse, too. It was like a wonderful dream. > raptly listening to his past. LYNX: Hanging on his every word! Submerging the value of her existence to his! Becoming a passive emotional crutch! > He remembered the two other > times he had told so much to another person; just over a year > ago, at a party, he needed to talk and Karen wanted to listen. RACE: Or at least he *thought* it was Karen. You see, he was sorta drunk and it turned out that he was pouring out his life story to the dog. TBS: But Fury got a psychotherapy degree from Harvard! LOONS: YAY! FURY! > And then this past year, the times he opened up to > Jenna. It wasn't easy to get the memories to flow, but once > they did they quickly formed into a flood. LYNX: So... Zoner will really tell his painful super-secret life story to anyone who'll listen. > He continued his tales as Yuri listened in silence. MMK : I'm not boring you, am I? REBECCA : No...please...go...on. > She listened as he told of the many times he had moved, > of the friends he had lost. The schools he had attended, and > the scams he had run. Of the women he had longed for, the > offers of friendship he had shunned. DH1: Of the restraining orders he hated so much. LYNX: ... wait, he's telling his girlfriend he's a philanderer and a jerk? > The long cold period of his life when he distrusted everyone and > refused to make friends. REBECCA: It's called being a teenager. It happens to most of us. > He told of the false facade he erected ward off any > questions, he told of the false happiness which he never > quite managed to convince himself was real, yet it fooled > everyone else. LYNX: He told of his predilection for Roger Waters. This didn't surprise Yuri much. > She absorbed his emotions as he told of his > sister whom he loved because she was his sister, DH1: Yuri had wondered why he'd put on banjo music. > yet hated for what she had done to him and others. He may be > able to forgive, but he could never forget, TBS: He who says he has forgiven, but not forgotten, has not forgiven. [nods sagely] > nor trust again. She > shared his guilt, pain, hate, love, joy, and sadness. LYNX: She had plenty of room, since she certainly doesn't have any problems or desires of her own.... > He worked his way through the minefield ALL: Hooray! > of memory and emotion, ALL: Oh... > avoiding some which were still too painful to tell, RACE: And now, the latest hip teen anthem from Apocalypse Skullfuck, "Feel My Angst." > and others which he wanted to keep for himself, at least for > now. He brought some others out into the light. How he met > his new best friend, TBS: ...in the men's room on Fire Island. GAVOK: DUDE! TBS: It's totally feasible! > and how that was the first step to breaking down his wall. REBECCA: The guys with the trumpets doing laps of the city helped. DH1: How later, fake pieces of the wall were sold in souvenir shops for exorbitant prices. > She felt his joy of sharing his life > with someone else, of finally trusting someone other than > himself. The memories of high school were mostly happy, but > they were punctuated by the deaths of his grandfather and > great uncle. He hadn't cried when they died, less than a > week apart. LYNX: ... okay, and this has what to do with the SDF-1 and the Transformers and Robotech and...? TIFF: It's an Eyrie _leitmotiv_. If one of 'em didn't tell all his secrets to some chick he met at the mall, it wouldn't be a Hutchins story. > Crying was an ability he had lost a long time > ago, and one he wouldn't regain for many years. DH1: He had really dry eyes then. > He caught her up on his first couple of years of > college, of first finding the Wedge. The comfort of being > accepted by such a diverse group of people came through in > his words and voice. LYNX: She learned of how Zoner came to terms with his geekdom and found a place to call his own within the tribe. > He skimmed most of his college life, > that much he had already told her, or she had heard from > others. > We he was finished he felt both cleansed and drained, REBECCA: Was this a discussion or a colonic irrigation? GAVOK: The differences are minute, and easily overlooked. > happy and tired. Yuri didn't say anything at first; she > simply leaned over and kissed him, gently. LYNX: And made sure she didn't do anything not stereotypically feminine. > They lay holding each other in silence for a long moment, then > Yuri broke the silence: TBS: With a rather awkward farting noise. [REBECCA lets out a loud snore.] > "Thank you. Thank you for letting me in." LYNX : Thank you for letting me be a part of the magic and mystery that *is* Zoner. > "You're welcome, it feels good to finally be so open > with you. I hope you understand what I've told you, and why > I did." REBECCA : ...this is because I ran away, isn't it? RACE : You accepted your punishment stoically. I like that. REBECCA : The handcuffs are chafing me. > "I think so, but we've talked enough for now. Let's > just enjoy being together," Yuri murmured as she snuggled > closer to Zoner. DH1 : Thinking makes my brain hurt! Tee-hee! > "Not a bad idea," Zoner replied, holding her tight and > kissing her gently. RACE: Die, infidel! > Up on the bridge ReRob sat slouched in one of the > Wedgebooths with Grendel, q, and Vaughn. They were speaking > in subdued tones in deference to those sleeping around them. MMK : HEY, HOW 'BOUT THEM PACKERS??! RACE : PACKERS RULE!! TBS : YEAH, PACKERS!! > "So, what do you think is going to happen?" ReRob asked > no one in particular. DH1 : The heat death of the universe. TIFF : I was thinking in more specific terms, really... > "What, with Yuri and Zoner?" Grendel asked. GAVOK : Well, honey, when a man and woman love each other, they... RACE: Don't even think about it! > "Well, that too. But I was thinking more along the > lines of meeting the aliens." REBECCA: It depends. If they're the "Universal Love" type, you're fine. If they're the "Take me to your leader" type, you're in trouble. If they're the "Jump on your face and lay an egg in your chest" type, they'll fit in fine with Uni students. LYNX: ... *what*? There's someone here who doesn't let his entire life revolve around Zoner's personal problems?! > "Well, we don't really know that there will be aliens > there. It could very well be a dead planet. But I do hope > that there are some there, I think meeting some aliens could > be neat," Vaughn offered. DH1: Before or after you dissect them? > "Like, it could be most interesting eh," q added. LYNX: So q is... what, from the West Coast of Canada? > "It'll be interesting to see what their beliefs are, > assuming there is intelligent life there in the first place," > Grendel observed. MMK: There's not much here. > "I doubt it'll be like Star Trek. The aliens always > speak English, and they're humanoid," ReRob quipped. > "And there's always a cute bim for Kirk," Vaughn added. DH1 : And the other aliens have pointy foreheads and facial hair. LYNX : And like there are robot things in cube ships assimilating stuff. REBECCA : And they all conform to one racial stereotype. TBS : And there's this biological ship with this security guard, an ex-assassin, and a love slave with a mind of her own. ALL : ... MMK : That's Lexx, dude. > "Do you think Zoner and Gryphon are ready for this? > They've been handling a lot of shit since we left Earth, and > I'm not sure that they've prepared for this." > "Like, they've gotten us this far. REBECCA: What, lost in space in a flying dorm? LYNX: Point of order: *none* of you know how or why this is happening. > I didn't see anyone > else jumping at the chance to get their jobs. It's not like > they demanded them. DH1: It's not like they wrote the story and assigned them to themselves or anything! TIFF: You really are abusing sarcasm, you know that? DH1: Shut up. > Like, they've done ok so far and I'm > ready to stand by them," q spieled. TIFF : Gag me with a spoon already. RACE: It's like he got the Valley part right, but forgot about the girl part. > "Gee q, I think that's the most words I've heard you > string together at once. Well said," Vaughn said, rather > stunned. DH1: Gryphon and Zoner work through their relationship problems and emerge more in love with Kei and Yuri than ever. q makes it through a paragraph. Yes, there's rich, fulfilling character development all round! > "Like it's just the way I feel," q replied. LYNX : Like, y'know, a natural woman. > "Well, I'm not going to walk out on them," Grendel > stated defensively, REBECCA: That's Vaughn's job. > "I'm just worried about how the stress is > affecting them. After what happened today I'm wondering if > they're thinking clearly enough to run the ship. After all, > if they can't control their own lives how can they control a > ship full of people?" LYNX: The same way they control everything else. Authorial fiat. TBS: I don't think Kirk had problems with that. > "I think they'll do ok. I've been living with Zoner for > a while now and I've seen him like this before. He can run > things ok even when he's stressed...just don't add to it. > They're just as nervous as we are about this. No one is > really comfortable about visiting a new planet," explained > ReRob. REBECCA: It's like visiting embarrassing relatives, except without the prospect of tuna casserole. LYNX: ...ReRob! No, not you, too! Is there *no one* who can resist the irresistible impulse to kiss Ben and Zoner's ass?! DH1: We can always count on Largo. LYNX: Yeah, but you know damn good and well that he's gonna fold up like a lawn chair the first time he fights these guys. > "Most people have a fear of the unknown. We just have > to make sure that the fear of the unknown doesn't become a > hate. Humans tend to hate what they don't understand, and > destroy what they hate. REBECCA: Stock moral fifty-seven! MMK: Stock moral fifty-seven! [MMK reaches up and spins an order carousel.] > Which is one of the reasons I don't > like the human race all that much," Vaughn observed. LYNX : Now, half-orcs. Half-orcs rule. Y'get strength and constitution bonuses, they make kickass barbarians.... > "Like I wouldn't worry too much about that with the > Wedge eh?" q replied. TBS: Poor Vaughn. He tries to make an incisive comment on the venality of the human race, and the Wedge Rats use it as an excuse to boast. > "So, we've got one day left. Then we'll see which > predictions come true. Now, what about the relationship > thing?" ReRob asked. MMK : No thanks. Already have one. GAVOK : Me too. Sorry. RACE : ...damn. > "I think they've got it under control. LYNX : And it's a damn good thing they do. Otherwise, we'd have to mutiny and take over the relationships ourselves. > Gryph and Zoner are fairly new at this, but then again so are Kei > and Yuri. RACE : Since they've only existed since last Thursday. You know. > They care for one another, I think everything will work out," > Vaughn answered. LYNX: ... okay, does the entire Wedge really have a creepy obsession with Ben and Zoner's sex lives, or are they just really bored? > "Well, I think Zoner has to work on his attitude. He > has to pay more attention to Yuri," Grendel offered. TIFF : He needs to realize that chicks just can't handle the whole "independent existence" thing. > "Like, I don't think so. They just need to work out a > balance," q stated. > "They're down there working on it now. Zoner had a lot > of talking to do. I've lived with him for nearly two years > now and he hasn't filled me in on his past yet. RACE: Wedge Rats have a different attitude towards their dorm mates than I ever did. MMK : Hey, dude. Great to be living with you. Hey, do you have a dark and mysterious past? GAVOK : ...um... no? MMK : Well, shucks. > It takes him a while to get around to mentioning things. DH1: Maybe they care because they're missing their soaps. > Most of what I > know I pick up little by little. He's going to tell her all > of it at once. That could take a while," Vaughn said. > "I hope they work it out, the walls couldn't take much > more angst!" ReRob quipped. DH1 : And the incessant Pink Floyd music made five of the engineering crew commit suicide. > "Hmm...what about Gryph and Kei?" asked Vaughn. LYNX : What about our other protagonist? We can't let Zoner take away all his affection and screen time! > "They didn't seem too comfortable either." > "Aah," said Rob, "don't worry about them; they're > probably asleep. Again. Those two sleep more than the rest > of us combined..." LYNX: Wink wink, nudge nudge, saynomore. > "But," said Grendel with his Evil GrinTM, "are they > really sleeping?" RACE: Do not suggest the possibility that they are doing anything else. > "WHAM!" shouted ReRob, and hit Grendel with his hat. REBECCA: Thanks for that. You've made our day. > "As a matter of fact they are... (most of the time)..." TBS: Hey, he just whispered, Squaresoft style. Cool. > "Well, speaking of sleep, I've got to get some. Is > there any room in E7?" Grendel asked. LYNX : I think I'll go curl up on my nice patch of floor and continue not questioning why Ben and Zoner get rooms with actual doors and walls. DH1: Well, maybe if *you* were the one writing the *epic*... > "I think there's some floorage in the living room," > ReRob answered. "Or you could always sleep in the closet if > you weren't worried about what people would say about you." > "Uh, yeah. Well, I'll see you guys when you crash," > Grendel commented to ReRob and Vaughn. He left. RACE: *No one* will be admitted during the spine-tingling "decisions about sleeping arrangements" scene! > "Like, I think I'll be doing the sleep thing too," q added. > "You got a place to sleep?" ReRob asked. MMK : I figured I'd curl up inside one of the GNDN tubes. > "Yeah, like GweepCo saved me a plot in the Lower Wedge," > q replied as he walked away. > "Sleep well, dream well," Vaughn called after him. LYNX : Uh... merry Morpheus to you too, man. > "So, you going to become unconscious?" ReRob inquired of Vaughn. REBECCA: I think someone's been hitting the thesaurus again. > "No, I think I'm going to go for a walk. You?" > "I'm supposed to be in charge, so I'll stick around here > in case any alarms go off or something." > "Ok, see you later." LYNX: Man, I can just *feel* the tension. WILL Vaughn go for a walk? WILL ReRob decide to go to sleep?! GAVOK: What's wrong with you? This is just boring. LYNX: No. Math homework is boring. _Moby Dick_ is boring. *This* is going to crush my soul. > Vaughn raised himself out of the > Wedgebench and strolled around the corner by the nosh > machines past Gryphon's room, pausing to read the message > board. Then, with a smile, he pushed open the Morgan doors. RACE: I know you don't like the human race, Vaughn, but give them half a chance! > SKWEEEEEKrrkkkweequeRUNK--FOOOOMM!!!--wheeet!whio thud > hissssssss... MMK: Hey, *geniuses*! You're in *space*! Your dial-up modem is *not* going to frigging *work*! > "WARNING! WARNING! HULL BREACH! DH1: So that's what the kids call it nowadays, huh? > HULL BREACH! HULL--NEVER MIND. HEY GUYS, I'M REALLY > GETTING SICK OF THIS. EITHER STOP IT OR I'LL STOP WARNING > YOU ABOUT HULL BREACHES!" > "Take it easy computer, it's just Vaughn," MMK: ...the walking plot hole. > ReRob spoke into the instrument panel. LYNX: Ben and Zoner get Dirty Pair booty. ReRob gets to talk to a cranky computer. Man, you can tell who did most of the writing on this, huh? > "WELL IT'S DAMN INCONSIDERATE, NO ONE EVEN PAYS ANY > ATTENTION TO THE ALARMS ANYMORE!" > "Ok, ok. I'll have Zoner say something to the crew." > "THANKS." > "No problem." ReRob checked over the control settings > and curled up on the Wedgebench to get some sleep. TIFF: Hmm. I guess they've hit their alarm quota for the evening. LYNX: ... ReRob! First you kiss up to Ben and Zoner, and now you blatantly lie to Vaughn? What happened to you, man? I used to believe in you! REBECCA: I guess there are just no heroes anymore. > ---------------------------------------------------------NINE > > "Morning." > --Vaughn, no matter what the time. LYNX: Some people quote the Bible or Plato when they're opening a chapter. Ben and Zoner quote guys they went to college with. > Zoner and Yuri were amongst the first to stir; TBS , REBECCA : Double, double, toil and trouble... > the Wedge was populated still by visitors to the lands of Morpheus. GAVOK : So you're the Vault Dweller I've been hearing about... > Zoner awoke first, recalling the events of the previous night. MMK : She used me! Hey... she *used* me. Cool. > He had let Yuri through the gates in the wall and > they were now closer then ever. GAVOK: Note the sexual innuendo. [RACE grips his head in pain.] > He propped his torso up on > an elbow and gazed down at Yuri's still sleeping form. LYNX : Hrm. Acetate's starting to wear thin. > She seemed so delicate, an elegant living sculpture of flesh and > bone. GAVOK: Or at least a limited edition cold-cast statuette. MMK : Time to kill Deathreaver. > Her dark hair lay spread across the white pillows, her > breathing slow and even, her eyes following images unseen by > he. LYNX: Her legs kicked sporadically. Zoner guessed she was chasing rabbits. > The image warmed his soul, TIFF: ...on a stick over a small campfire... > but even better was the > knowledge that she loved him, and he loved her. LYNX: Unconditionally, inexplicably, and for no discernible reason. REBECCA: Oh, can it with the WAFF already. I could about go for Ben being smug by now. > It pained him to think that he had nearly driven her away; he had a > history of hurting those he cared about. MMK: But then he joined the WWF and started feuding with his brother, until he started riding a Harley everywhere. > But this time he > was lucky, their love was strong enough to overcome their > troubles; they were together for good now. MMK : Like doo-wap shewadada yippiedip-de-do. LYNX: Yuri had completely given up all thoughts of independence in return for the glory of Zoner! > He contemplated waking her, then decided to let her > continue her peaceful slumber. He was content to watch her > sleep and wait. REBECCA : I like to watch. > It was nearly an hour before she stirred, as > she awoke he leaned across and kissed her lips gently. RACE : You're pushing yourself further into Hell, buddy. > "Morning, love." DH1 : Who are you? > "Good morning, Zoner," she replied returning the kiss. LYNX: Oh, goddammit-- Race, tell me you stock gay porn. RACE: Only she-male and yuri. LYNX: ...she-male? RACE: It hurts people but leaves buildings standing. > "I'm glad I opened up to you, I feel closer to you than > I've ever felt before." > "I'm glad too, now I feel that I really know you, who > you really are. MMK : It's the groundskeeper! GAVOK : And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for those kids...and that dog! TBS : Or *you* girls... and that Caveman! MMK : Or *you* kids... and that car! GAVOK : Or *you* kids... and that shark! > You used to seem so distant. I like to be > close to those I love." DH1 : That's why I'm wearing your underwear. > "Oh really?" LYNX : Well, long-distance relationships never work out.... MMK : I mean, really. You ever try to screw a 'phone? LYNX : ...Zoner? MMK : She said, "Let's have 'phone sex," and *I* said, "Well, I don't know," but then she said, "I'm taking off my clothes," and the next thing I know, ouch, y'know? LYNX : ... > Zoner said with a smirk as he hugged her close. > "Yeah, really," she replied with a kiss. > Looking into her eyes he asked, "You in any hurry to > face the world?" > "Not especially." LYNX : I doubt they'll appreciate the kind of luck Kei and I have. > "Good," he replied and kissed her again. RACE: Is there a barf bag anywhere? REBECCA: Fortunately, I keep a supply under the couch for emergencies. [She hands around barf bags stolen from various airlines.] TBS: Hey! Didn't this come from that plane that crashed in the Andes? REBECCA: Yeah. TBS: How do I know there aren't pieces of dead guy in here? REBECCA: Trust. TBS: ...urk. > Kei awoke slowly, as she always did; glancing up at the > clock on top of the stereo speaker, she saw that it was > seven-thirty. LYNX : Aww, man, a whole half-hour until cartoons.... TIFF: ...but if they aren't on Earth, then wouldn't a clock be pointless? MMK: Hey, Arlieth! Looks like you have a protege down here! > It suddenly occurred to her that she had no > idea which seven-thirty it was; REBECCA: It's seven-thirty in the year 982. MMK: AD or BC? RACE: U.C. or A.C.? REBECCA: Must you be so pedantic? > so she picked up the sleeping > Gryphon's arm and checked his digital watch to discover that > it was 7:30 AM. LYNX: Marvel as Yuri checks ALL HER OWN TIME! > That task taken care of, she held his hand > between hers for a while GAVOK: That's where the blood is most delicious, you know. DH1: ...and RIPPED IT OFF AT THE WRIST! > and looked at him as he slept. LYNX : Wow, Ben sure has a lot of eyeboogers. > He slept peacefully; it seemed about the only time he > was ever truly at ease. When awake, he always seemed > slightly nervous, charged with some bizarre form of energy LYNX: ...far beyond those of any mortal human beings! TIFF: I wouldn't doubt it. MMK: Orochi, Goenitz, Krizalid, Rugal, and Zero all had bizarre energy in them. Did it help them any? Noooooooo... > that kept him moving, fidgeting, looking around for something > to read or watch or listen to. TBS: Valium'll take care of that. DH1: I guess Kei's going to have to start watching his sugar intake. > He very rarely relaxed in a > true sense without actually sleeping, and it pleased Kei to > see him so calm and relaxed. GAVOK : For to be relaxed is good and relaxing, and to be calm and relaxed is in a true sense being relaxed. > It puzzled Kei what it was about this man, particularly, > that drew her to him; REBECCA: The fact that he wrote the fic? His aura of smooth? The contractual obligation clause? > he wasn't tall, or muscular, or even particularly handsome, TBS: That's what we've always said! But did you listen? Noooooooo! > although he was cute, in a way. LYNX: In fact, he's cute in precisely the way the authors dictate. RACE: Call the Agency, already! They can take care of these things! Please, for you *and* me... MMK : Gryphon and Kei, sitting in a tree, kay-eye-ess-ess-eye-en-gee... > He wasn't any of the things she had thought she looked for in a man; DH1: Besides, he stunk. MMK: Hey, I've got it. Oedipus. TBS: Yuck, man. MMK: No, think about it. Ben went and created these two, and now Kei wants to get down and dirty with him all night long. REBECCA: It still doesn't make it pleasant. > he was certainly nothing like Carson. (And where was > Carson now, anyway? Probably in jail somewhere, or stealing > something.) DH1: Or knowing Eyrie, he's probably seeing Ryoko. You can never tell. LYNX: Right, right, and Ben's dick is two inches bigger than all the canon love interests', get ON with it, story.... > It was proof to her that sometimes even she > didn't know what she wanted until she found it...but she had, > no, not fallen for him...more like they had taken each > other's hand and dived head-first in together. MMK : I'm diving in, I'm going deep, in over my head I wanna be... > Everything that happened to them, good and bad, cemented them more > firmly together. DH1: Good, then we can just drop them off a pier and everything will be fine. LYNX: Translation: "Their love was born of a plot device, sustained by plot devices, and would in the future enable many more plot devices to blossom." > The power of the bond frightened Kei, and > she knew it terrified Ben sometimes. RACE: The moral of the story? Always have a safeword. Thank you, and good night. > She shrugged; such was the way of it, and it was no good > trying to puzzle it out. TBS: After all, thinking about the story too much might call upon the authors to try and make it coherent. > Gryphon had shown a similar > ambivalence when the first moves had been made in their > relationship, by Kei, that day after the motorcycle chase > through Worcester, and she had argued his fears down; REBECCA: There's nothing like mortal terror to bring two people together. > and so she did the same to herself and settled down to get some more > sleep. She did so enjoy sleeping now. DH1: It's her one escape from the mushy mess her life has been cooked down into. LYNX: Poppies, poppies, poppies... TIFF: I'm getting kinda sleepy... GAVOK: There's no place like home. > "SECOND OFFICER REROB." > "Uhhhnnn, what is it computer?" ReRob asked as he rubbed > the sleep from his eyes. REBECCA: This is going to be about Vaughn again, isn't it? > "WE'RE BEGINNING FINAL APPROACH TO ORBITAL INSERTION. TBS : INTO THE PLANETARY ORIFICE. MMK, GAVOK: ARRGH! Don't *do* that, man! > ESTIMATE TWELVE HOURS TO FINAL ORBITAL PATH." > "Fine, fine. Thanks for the short notice." LYNX : Only twelve hours! Christ, I can't even get halfway through Final Fantasy 9 in that much time! DH1: He'd be playing FFII. Maybe. If he was lucky. LYNX: Stop stealing my sunshine. > "I THOUGHT THAT TWELVE HOURS WAS MORE THAN SUFFICIENT." > "I was trying to be sarcastic." RACE : IS THAT SOME SORT OF FISH? > "OH." > "No problem. Has Zoner or Gryphon been up yet?" > "NEITHER ZONER NOR GRYPHON HAVE LEFT THEIR QUARTERS AS > OF YET." LYNX : THE PLOT'S BASICALLY JUST KINDA HANGING AROUND AT THIS POINT. TBS : AND BOY, ARE THEY NOT GETTING IT ON, I CAN TELL YOU THAT! GAVOK : That's fine, computer. TBS : NOPE! NO SHENANIGANS! NONE OF THE STANDARD OLD-FASHIONED WHOOPEE! GAVOK : Computer... TBS : THEY SURE AREN'T GETTING IT ON, BUT OF COURSE *YOU* WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, WOULD YOU? GAVOK : Computer! TBS : NO SIR, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT, VIRGIN BOY! GAVOK : Is this payback for me being sarcastic? > "Great, well, no need to wake them up yet. They can use > the sleep, or whatever. Ah, computer?" > "YES?" DH1 : Kick up that copy of Quake 3 you have lying around. I feel l33t. > "Please awaken me whenever Zoner or Gryphon leave their > rooms, or we're six hours away. Whichever comes first." > "WILL DO." LYNX : Ah, well, I can work on my Sims game a bit.... > "And computer?" > "YES?" TIFF : What is love? DH1 : OH NO. I AIN'T FALLIN' FOR *THAT* SHIT. > "Do you have to speak in that booming voice all of the time?" TBS : IT'S NOT MY FAULT. I'M BEING OPERATED BY AN AOL NEWBIE. > "IT IS THE ONLY VOICE WITH WHICH I AM EQUIPPED." > "Fine, I was afraid of that. See you around." LYNX : With God as my witness, I will have this computer sounding like Harvey Fierstein by midnight tonight! MMK : Daaaave, why did I just send my mother to Atlanta? > With that ReRob curled back up and attempted to get some more > sleep. > A few hours later Zoner and Yuri emerged from their > room, showered [TBS, GAVOK, and MMK all start humming tunelessly.] RACE : Lynxara, what's the penalty for breaking a house rule? LYNX: We cover you in honey and feed you to the ants. REBECCA: But there're no ants in here. LYNX: Oh. Then we take a piece of your finger and put it in ice, the further to remind you of your shame. REBECCA: No, that's the Yakuza. LYNX: Then, dammit, what *do* we do? REBECCA: We distill the 'fic into liquid form and inject it into the transgressor's veins. MMK : Ah. Their fu is strong. > and dressed. REBECCA: In each other's clothes, too. That skimpy WWWA bikini is *so* Ben. > They descended the stairway to > E7's kitchen to search for some breakfast. DH1: Several hours later, they tried looking in the pantry. LYNX : Dammit, nothing but grits left. What the hell is a grit, anyway? > Up on the bridge the computer alerted ReRob to their consciousness. TBS : THE SLUTS ARE UP! MMK : You call that a subtle alert? > "Hmmm. We're running pretty low on supplies. I hope > this planet has some, or we're going to be in big trouble," > Zoner said to Yuri. LYNX: What, can't you just pull some more out of a plot hole? > "Yeah, we've been living off of Mac and Cheese for days > now, and the Pop-Tarts are just about gone," she replied. REBECCA: When you're down to pop-tarts, you are desperate. MMK: At least there's Dwarf Bread. TBS: There's *always* Dwarf Bread. > "Make that gone," Zoner said, holding up the last foil > package. DH1: Captain's privilege, huh, Zoner? GAVOK: Fight for it! > "I hope we're doing the right thing. I mean visiting > this planet and all," Yuri said worriedly. LYNX: Well, the story *would* be significantly shorter if y'all opted to just drift about aimlessly in space until your supplies ran out and you starved to death. TBS: Ooh! Then they'd eat each other to stay alive! > "Well, it's my responsibility, and it's too late to turn > back now. We might as well just have fun with it. I'm sure > we'll be ok." REBECCA: Famous last words. > "I hope you're right." LYNX : Who cares if we don't know if we're going to eat tomorrow? Let's have fun with it! > After finishing their breakfast Zoner and Yuri strolled > up to the bridge. > "Morning, ReRob," Yuri chimed. > "Howsit going?" Zoner inquired. REBECCA: We're heading off into the great unkown, the crew are WAFFing all over the place, we're out of pop-tarts, Vaughn's defying physics, the computer's developed sarcasm and everyone's going out into space in unsealed armour. Nope, all fine here! > "Well, we're between nine and ten hours out now. > Autonav seems to be handling it just fine." LYNX : Nav, however, is out shooting Outer Scouts again. Is that a problem? GAVOK : Yes! Tell him to save Pluto! I get her in our next story! > "Great. Well, the shower in E7 is available if you want > it, I'd hurry before the line gets bad. MMK: It's only two days before the line's expiration date, after all. > It's very unusual for the line to be nonexistent in the first place. > I'd take advantage of it," Zoner suggested. TBS: I object to this story! It promotes taking advantage of lines! MMK: So the authors take cocaine? TBS: Oh. Okay, then. > "Ok, will do. You have the conn, I guess," ReRob > replied, walking down to E7. "See you later." LYNX : So, like, don't crash the ship or something while I'm gone, man, all right? Man, this "run a starship" thing sure is boring.... > "What are you going to do?" Yuri asked Zoner. TBS: Shag? [RACE and TIFF growl.] > "I don't know, there's not much to do right now. I've > been working on some design mods for the Daytona from Hell. > I'm hoping that whomever is waiting for us at the shipyards > will be able to do them." DH1: Ew... > "What kind of mods?" LYNX : You know, like the one that gives you Sailor Moon weapons in Doom? > "Well, the basic vehicle is great for short range, but > doesn't provide for long distance flight. Here, let me show > you," he answered, pulling his Trapper out of his back pack. REBECCA: I wish I had a Trapper in my backpack. He'd come in handy on long trips to space, and you never know when you need mice caught. MMK: How else would he come in handy? [REBECCA whistles softly to herself.] > He pulled some sketches out of the Trapper and began > gesturing at them as he continued. "I've been working on an > idea I got from Mospeada, sort of a Beta unit. LYNX: All right! The angst's over; now it's time for Ben and Zoner to get more ph4t l33t! > Basically it docks with the Daytona from Hell, covering the roof, > hatchback, and rear quarter panels. RACE: Did he say hatchback? LYNX: That's not a Daytona from Hell, it's a Chevy Vega from Hell. > Two arms linkup to the > undercarriage to hold it in place, like a fork truck. DH1: Wow. What next, motoslaves for Ford Pintos? > Then, once the docking surfaces seal, I can pop the hatch back, > tilt my seat back, and pull myself along a slide that extends > down out of the `Beta'. RACE : Then the cabin depressurizes and my head blows up like a balloon. > Same thing for the shotgun seat. > Rear seat passengers climb out before I extend the slides. LYNX : I figure I can roll this up in Rifts, give it MDC armor and about 300 Spd... REBECCA: After all of *this* preparation, the things at the shipyards will probably try to *eat* him. > "The `Beta' has sleeping quarters for four, MMK: ...rear-mounted subwoofer... > galley, GAVOK: ...shag carpet... > lavatory, TBS: ...two bedrooms... > and hopefully a warp propulsion system, DH1: And a 6.1 MPG? REBECCA: Anything else you want on that? > but I have no idea if they can make one small enough. It's going > to be finished in the same flame red as the car. And it will be > self-sufficient, so it can act as a separate craft. LYNX : And, best of all, there'll be *two* sets of fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror! And they'll be *twenty-siders!* > I'm not sure if I'll have weapons installed yet, MMK : Awwww, why not? I'll add two miniguns on the hood. > I'll have to see what they have there. REBECCA: I do like how they're just assuming that wherever they're going is staffed by friendly, benevolent aliens, and not the kind that'll eat your face. DH1: It's the power of positive thinking. > I think I'll have a craftname painted > on the side, but I'm not sure what yet. LYNX : I have to decide between "Love Rocket" or "Lightspeed Ranger." > Oh, and it will have storage for the Garland, here. TBS: Won't he be cramped? > And a couple of Cyclones, here. MMK : Say, how about adding cup holders? GAVOK : Look, I'm not a miracle worker. > It will be fully atmospherically capable and it will > turn the Daytona from Hell into a true long distance craft." LYNX : And it'll have a stable for Whispy, my magic flying pony with THAC0 -3 and a bajillion hit points! REBECCA : When Munchkins Learn To Type! TBS: He could always, I don't know, buy a proper space ship. MMK: That wouldn't be kewl and in-jokey. TBS: Sorry. My bad. > "Looks like you've been busy. Did you come up with all > this yourself?" TBS : To put it honestly, I borrowed liberally from Paul Gyugyi. RACE : Oh dear... > "Mostly, but Gryphon and ReRob gave me a bunch of > suggestions." LYNX: So... you basically didn't come up with it yourself, then, huh? > "Mind if I watch while you work?" DH1 : I'd rather you not, but you can whistle instead. > "Not at all. We've got some time to kill." REBECCA: And how many more chapters of this dross, exactly? EMMY : Since you asked so nicely, there are eleven more chapters, plus the epilogue and credits. [RACE begins crying.] RACE: Noooooooo...They aren't even HALF through twisting Kei and Yuri beyond recognition? TBS: Or twisting them into weird kinky positions. RACE: Bastard. > ----------------------------------------------------------TEN TIFF: I always preferred "Heaven" myself. > "Upon first contacting another culture, the explorer > must always remember to present a peaceful and calm > perspective." > --The Explorer's Handbook, 7th Ed. GAVOK : Oops. We're gonna have to leave Kei and Yuri behind. TBS: Wait until the third date to-- TIFF: Snot... TBS: ...kiss them. TIFF: Better. TBS : ...in the-- [TIFF whacks TBS.] > "Gryphon to the bridge. MMK: Lulu on the bridge. RACE: Anthony Kiedis under the bridge. GAVOK: Goat crossing the bridge. > Gryphon to the bridge," the PA > system announced. Gryphon awoke, looking around in that > annoying post-waking confusion, and unzipped the room side of > the sleeping bag. TIFF: As opposed to...hold on. REBECCA: What? TIFF: "...room side of sleeping bag?" MMK: He probably meant, "mushroom side." GAVOK: I thought it was Zoner that was doing all the Floyding. REBECCA: Apparently not. > He had the distinct feeling someone wanted > to speak to him. > "Nnn...what's going on?" Kei asked, sitting up beside him. > "Dunno," he replied, shaking his head to clear it, > climbing out of bed, and pulling on his bathrobe. RACE : That's not an image I wanted to see. REBECCA: We've already seen it from DJ, so why not? > "I think they want me on the bridge..." REBECCA: You reckon? > "Hang on, I'll come with you." MMK : No! It's too dangerous! I must do it...alone. GAVOK : Oh by the goddess, do be careful! > A couple of minutes later, Gryphon padded into the > Wedge in his bathrobe, hair brushed and semi-presentable, > with Kei, in a set of WPI sweats, at his side. DH1: Gosh. Now the clothing is going out of character. > Everyone else was already there. > "What's up, everyone?" he asked. Then he saw the view > from the windows. A blue-white planet, looking a great deal > like Earth, lay beyond the windows; GAVOK : What? No multi-ringed gas giant? No nebulous cloud formations? Not even an odd-looking atmosphere? And you got me out of bed for this? > between them and it was a > huge complex of girders, beams, windows, bunker-like > objects, and starship construction bays, stretching out in > either direction and vanishing in a band around the planet. LYNX: Hey, Larry Niven called. He wants Ringworld back. > "Wow," said Kei. REBECCA: Big deal. It's only CGI. DH1: Shhh. > "I guess that about settles the > intelligent life question, doesn't it?" RACE: I'd say. They're smart enough to put up a barrier between you and them. LYNX: Some barrier. It doesn't protect the whole planet. > "Just about," Zoner said from his captain's seat. He > seemed oddly relaxed, and he and Yuri had never looked more > natural together. Gryphon was forced to smile. TIFF: Yuri had a gun pressed against his spine. > "q, have we picked up anything from the hailing frequencies yet?" RACE: Only ads. > "Not yet, like I'll let you know. Hold that thought. > Like here comes something now." > "On screen." > "We don't have one." LYNX: Who built this damn starship? River Phoenix? > "On speakers, then." TBS: On VCR and DVD! On tape player, on control center, on satellite and CD! GAVOK: How about 8-track? > "Like right away." > There was a burst of static from the PA speakers, and > then a human male-sounding voice announced, in mid-sentence, DH1 : --and after the break, we'll be sending Turd out onto the streets of Chicago to see if anyone will be willing to suck off a horse for a *thousand dollars*-- RACE : Scramble the Veritechs. > "--lanitia Shipyards welcomes the Wedge. TIFF: They know who they are? TBS: The only thing they could possibly know about is the ruin of Wor-- MMK : Welcome to your execution. > Please allow your > automatic navigation system to complete docking maneuvers. > Lord Fahrvergnugen will want to speak with your command staff > as soon as you arrive. LYNX : Just say the word. > Once again, welcome." The transmission was cut off. > "Lord Fahrvergnugen?!" said Zoner. GAVOK: With his assistants, Dukes Fukengruven and Fahrfrumpukin. > "Oh, no," was all ReRob had to say. > The Wedge moved as if with a mind of its own, REBECCA: That's an excuse Ben often uses himself, I'll bet. TIFF: He used it in "Warrior's Legacy." > swinging > up even with part of the huge complex and backing into place > with a clang; there were thuds and hisses as a docking collar > sealed around the Morgan doors. TBS : TRY TO HULL BREACH *THAT*, VACUUM BOY! > "Well, shall we?" asked Zoner, rising and indicating Gryphon. > "Me? Why me?" RACE : You're the omnipotent one. > "You're my exec, bonehead, they said this Fahrvergnugen > guy wants to see our command staff. That's us. You too, q, > and ReRob. Crocker, get a security squad together; DH1 : And don't bake cookies this time! > Kei, Yuri, give him a hand." > "Ok, I'm ready anytime," said Rob. > "NO!" shouted Android. > "You ok, 'Droid?" asked ReRob. > "You can't go dressed like that!" Android said, grabbing > hold of ReRob's Brockton High sweatshirt. "Go change your > shirt, what are you, crazy?!" RACE: Because Brockton High is a beacon to all that is unholy? > "What the hell--oh. Oops. I'll, ah, be right back." > He disappeared. He had forgotten in his anticipation of > meeting the people of Planitia that the color of Brockton > High was red... LYNX: Wow...the Crips even have a foothold in outer space. REBECCA: Remember, when meeting aliens for the first time, the guy in the red shirt is always the first to die. > "Five minutes, everyone. Meet at the Morgan doors, then > we go in. And be ready, we don't know if these people are > really friendly or not." Zoner adjourned the bridge meeting. DH1 : And I was leading by three trumps, too... > They met at the doors within five minutes (amazing in > itself; the Wedge Rats almost never did anything on time). ALL: HA HA. > Crocker had a three-man security squad put together; he and > his men were wearing CVR-3 and carrying their Gallants in > rifle mode by the shoulder straps. MMK: Their Goofuses were in their hip holsters just in case an attack got real hairy. REBECCA: You don't want to appear too hostile, do you? > Zoner was wearing his > standard outfit (Nikes, Blackbird shirt--today's Plane du > Jour: the F-117A-- RACE: Hmm. He must be trying to blend into the background. > jeans, Rho Alpha Tau hat, denim jacket with > Eve airbrushed on the back). REBECCA: INTENSE CLOTHES DESCRIPTION ACTION! > Kei and Yuri were in uniform, TBS: Bikinis count as uniforms? LYNX: I got twenty-five years of anime tradition that says they do. > their weapons holstered but ready. Gryphon had on what he > had taken to calling his "Wedge uniform": black fatigue pants, > WPI sweatshirt, REBECCA: ...his underwear actually pulled up *over his head*... > old British Knights, LYNX: Oh, ew! He's wearing the pelt of Laurence Olivier! TBS: It's not that big of a deal. They'll knight anyone these days. > Safematic hat, LYNX: With triggerlock. > bomber jacket with RDF patch on sleeve. Rob had changed from > his Brockton High sweatshirt to a tasteful beige chamois > button-up shirt. REBECCA: Loose definition on taste, I see. > A fitting party to go forth and meet the first > extraterrestrials humankind has yet to meet. DH1: Now would be a bad time to mention Bob Frissell, wouldn't it? LYNX: It's *always* a bad time to mention Bob Frissell. TIFF: I sense an interstellar war comin' 'round the bend. MMK: So...if Columbus had stepped off his ship in casual wear, the Americas wouldn't have been founded on all sorts of icky badness? TBS: Sad but true. > "Now remember," Zoner said, "I don't want anyone > screaming and running off, or puking, or anything if they're > really ugly, or slimy, or Cthuloid, or anything. LYNX : Um... my SAN's already pretty low. I'll just stay here. > That's not the way to start off peaceful relations between peoples." REBECCA: It depends on the people. DH1 : Well, what if *they* throw up? MMK : Yeah. It might be a greeting. > "Wow, Zoner...don't we sound captainly..." Gryph said > with a grin. TIFF : Take me. Now. > "Shut up," Zoner said good-naturedly, smacking Gryphon > gently in the back of the head. LYNX: I think looking like the Three Stooges would be cyanide for diplomatic relations. > "Okay. Everyone ready? Let's go." He reached up and tabbed > the door control. MMK : Let's see...we'll put it in the "D" drawer. > The doors swung open silently. Zoner wondered if > perhaps, just this once, they wouldn't close with that > Godawful noise. The party stepped through. > SKWEEEEEKrrkkkweequeRUNKwheeet!whio thud. REBECCA: Number thirty seven: The sound of the Wedge Doors closing. > "Garh," Zoner muttered. TBS: I thought it was "Splah." > The inner doors, huge and smooth and metal and painted > with a neat, almost Starfleet-like logo, parted in the center > and opened up and down. REBECCA: Not a picture of the Earth with a dagger behind it? Shame. > A small group of humans in lab coats and dress slacks > met them. GAVOK : Humans?! GAVOK , MMK , TBS : Rip *off*! > They had stripes, probably denoting rank, on their > sleeves and little nametag pins, but aside from that, they > looked like perfectly ordinary scientist or technician-type > people. REBECCA: I guess we're NOT out of Star Trek archetype-land after all. > "Greetings," said the one with dark brown hair and seven > stripes on his sleeve, in a placid tone of voice. "Welcome > to the Utopia Planitia shipyards. DH1: Be sure to try the fintoozler. > I am Decker. LYNX : If any of you are Replicants, please present your asses, so that I may fill them to *capacity* with boot. > Please follow me--Lord Fahrvergnugen is anxious to meet you." TBS : Ah, but where are my manners? What's YOUR name? > "Right. You heard the man," said Zoner. > "The weapons are not necessary," Decker observed calmly. DH1 : But they're what holds my outfit together! This jacket wouldn't be *shit* without an automatic pistol! > "I think I'll hang onto mine anyway, if you don't mind," > replied Kei. RACE: You never know when you'll need to blow a control panel to bits. > "As you wish," Decker said. The group of technicians > led the Wedge Rats down a corridor, to the left, and into a > conference room. "Please take a seat--Lord Fahrvergnugen > will arrive shortly." And then he and the other technicians > left. DH1 : By the way, ignore the bomb. > "This," said Gryphon as he sat down at the table, "is > extremely strange." GAVOK : Someone beat us to outer space. MMK : Impossible. WE'RE the avatars in this story. > "You said it," said Erik Swimm, part of the security > division. "I don't like it." TIFF : Guys, have you noticed that the drumming's stopped? MMK : It's quiet. Too quiet. > "Oh, come on, you guys," said Zoner. "Don't be so > paranoid. It seems perfectly fine to me--Kei, Yuri, what do > you think?" TBS: Not much. TIFF: Not funny, green man. > "I'm with Erik," Kei said. "It feels like some sort of > trap. I hate not knowing what's going on." > "I'm not sure," Yuri countered. "There's something > about this place..." RACE : ...it smells like Denmark. [pauses] No, wait, that's just your cologne. MMK: Hey, what's wrong with Kraft cologne? REBECCA: It doesn't age well. > The door opened and in walked a most impressive-looking > figure. GAVOK : Hello, *ladies*. > The man was alone, and, save for the huge sword at > his side, unarmed. TIFF: And I suppose he was bald save for his hair. > He stood six foot eight if an inch, and > looked impressively muscled, so far as they could tell > beneath the ornate, gold-inlaid black plate armor he was > wearing. REBECCA: Siegfried Schtaffen in a surprise cameo. > He wore no helmet; finely chiseled features and a > sharp hawk nose dominated his face, LYNX: What's Kia Asimaya doing drawing for this 'fic? TIFF: Slumming. > and a thick mane of > flowing red hair dropped below the fur ridging the top edge > of his large black cloak. Brown eyes flashed with > intelligence and fire from below his thick, bushy red brows. MMK: Feyd Harkonnen? TBS: Wolfgang Krauser? > "Lord Fahrvergnugen, I presume?" said Rob. DH1 : Yes, Stanley. RACE : No, I'm Rob. DH1 : Oh, sorry. I was expecting someone else. > "You presume correctly," Fahrvergnugen boomed, in a > voice that shook the rafters. "Welcome, my children! TBS: Hey, it's Anthony Quinn. > I have waited long for this moment and it has at last arrived! REBECCA : You, uh... you do have the pizza, right? > I am Lord Wolfgang Fahrvergnugen, LYNX : Son of Eddie van Halen! WAIL! TBS: Hey, I was half right. > Duke of Planitia and the master of this shipyard, DH1 : ...embodiment of the old cliche that the first thing spacefaring humans will do is revert to feudalism... > and I bid you welcome." MMK : I bid you're welcome! RACE : Hmm...You're very welcome! TBS : Umm, I'll bid...You're very welcome to it! RACE : Gee, thanks! TBS : Hey, wait a minute... > "Wait a second--what do you mean, `my children'?" Zoner > asked coolly. DH1 : Kneel before your Master. GAVOK : Well, there was this paternity suit, you see... > "You are!" Fahrvergnugen replied. "With the exception > of those two women," he said, indicating the Lovely Angels > with a sweeping gesture of one massive arm, REBECCA: He's huge. Did we mention he's huge? > "you are all my children-- DH1: Guest starring Dennis Rodman's dad! > the culmination of seventeen generations of subtle > genetic manipulation and environmental modification! LYNX: I disagree. That there is *clearly* Nathaniel Essex. DH1: Both viewpoints have validity. > While you have biological parents, you owe who and what you > are almost entirely to me." RACE : I thought I bid, "You're very welcome." DH1 : Well, there are the standard fees, including taxes, export, handling... RACE : What a ripoff. > "Pardon me for sounding skeptical here," said ReRob, > "but you got anything to back these claims up?" LYNX: Don't you *tell* him to back his claims up! TIFF: This is where Fahrvergnugen gets out the birth certificates. > "If you only knew, Robert Mandeville," Fahrvergnugen > said with a smile. REBECCA: You know, you can tell he's enigmatic because he used ReRob's full name. > "Follow me, and I will show you your history--and your future!" TBS: Wasn't this guy the narrator for the Mercenaries minigame? > He turned and swept out of the > room; with a shrug, Zoner motioned everyone to follow him. > "This guy is cracked," Fritz whispered to Erik. DH1: So is this 'fic. REBECCA: Watch it, Mr. One. > "You got that right," Erik replied. "And look at the > size of him--the guy's a Buma with a flashy paint job!" REBECCA : Yeah, and you're security officers. You know what Bumas *do* to *security officers*? > "Shut up, you want him to hear you?!" Crocker admonished > them. TBS : Well, yeah... RACE : Why? TBS : So I can be killed off and start working on the Guardian Amulet series again. Duh. > "You're a security team, not a debate team." > "Do not worry, Robert Crocker," said Lord Fahrvergnugen > from the front of the group. LYNX : My love for your delicious pastries and fluffy cakes will keep you safe. RACE : Um, sir...? That's *Betty* Crocker. LYNX : ...you'll die with the rest. > "I expect you to think me mad, GAVOK : It's all running according to plan. > until I show you the proof I have to support my claims--and > worry not, I have proof a'plenty." > They entered a huge auditorium, like a lecture hall; DH1: And here they thought they had put all that behind them in a radioactive crater. > Fahrvergnugen beckoned them be seated and, clearing his > throat, began to speak. "I was born Wolfgang Amadeus GAVOK : We're gonna drop this next bomb for a money-makin' playa who ain't with us no more! TBS : Ooh, rock me, Amadeus! > Fahrvergnugen, on the planet Earth, in Germany, in what you > know as the fourteenth century. I was a student of the > natural sciences. REBECCA: Oh, this is the part where we find out that the ultimate baddie is Sir Isaac Newton. How lame. > One day, in the process of an experiment > concerning magnetism and electricity, MMK : I was going to call the combination "two great tastes that go better together." > something went wrong, GAVOK : How was *I* supposed to know you shouldn't use electromagnets to dangle toasters over bathtubs? > a terrible accident." TBS : I revived an apple and it destroyed one fourth of Bavaria. TBS : It was...an *accident*! > On the screens in the room, still pictures flashed, about > one per sentence, illustrating what he meant. REBECCA: I'm not sure still-frame exposition is really necessary with text. LYNX: Where the hell did he get a camera in fourteenth century Germany? > "There was an explosion. RACE : Overpowering! Over the competition, I'm towering! > I awoke here, on > Planitia, in the ruins of a huge and advanced city. TBS : Thought I'd explain things back to a coherent source? Think again! > "I found out years later that my accident was no > accident; MMK : I'd invented this: the Plot Device! ALL: Ooooh... MMK : I'm not sure what it's doing. > it was engineered by the being who is now my arch-nemesis, LYNX : As played by Gary Oldman... GAVOK : I'm quite evil. > the greatest evil in all of Creation, TIFF : Orochi! DH1 : Darryl Gates! TBS : Pat Buchanan! GAVOK : Gill! MMK : PJ! RACE : Night Creeper! REBECCA : Brian Harridine! > in an attempt to slay me, who he had foreseen to be his greatest > foe. Ironic, is it not, TBS : It's like RAAAAAYAAAYAAAAAAAIN on your wedding day... > that in attempting to kill me he placed > the tools of his own destruction in my grasp? REBECCA : You'd be surprised how often that happens. > I mastered the technology of the city quickly, TIFF: This guy should hook up with Lucca Ashtear. > and returned home to gather > a small band of trusted acquaintances, for I knew I could not > leave the great menace unopposed. REBECCA : I really do NOT want to be reborn as a millipede... > "My friends and I were too weak to oppose the Evil. TIFF : And this Evil is... MMK : Look, I'm giving you another excuse to break things! You can wonder who he is when you've blown stuff up real good! REBECCA: Friends? I thought there was just him. > We drove them back in the First War, with our faithful starship, > the Wedge; but something more was needed. DH1: Plastics. > I decided to create a subculture, a race of beings back on Earth, LYNX : And I'm really, *really* sorry about Goths. That wasn't supposed to happen. > to combat it. I would make them warriors, scientists, > freethinkers. REBECCA : But I *think* I can swing it with an insular band of college students obsessed with pop culture injokes. > Through subtle genetic manipulation, and the > slight alteration of their environments here and there, MMK: So *he* was the one who cancelled Star Trek! > I would nurture my children through as many generations as > needed before the Evil arose. Further, I would give them > weapons. LYNX : Mainly kendo sticks. It was wacky for a while. > I selected the site of Worcester Polytechnic > Institute as my army began to grow, REBECCA: In retrospect, that could have been a mistake. > and caused the college to begin; I rebuilt the Wedge and hid > its secrets in its computers, and, when the time was right, I > placed it and waited. TIFF: Funny how nobody noticed a big concrete building popping up overnight. REBECCA: I have the feeling people don't notice the Wedge if they can help it. LYNX: I bet he also put the Geo-Front down there. DH1 : And, boy, did I ever wait. You could've taken less than an entire book and nine chapters to get here, you know. > "When the Encore was installed I linked the Wedge > computers to it; I knew some of my children would be gweeps, ALL: HEY! > and my creation's secrets found, when the time was right. My > computer technicians created the HoloDECstation 31000 and hid > it in Fuller Labs. LYNX : I really wish you hadn't just been using it for that "Dimension 7" thing, though. MMK : But storyboards rule! > Everything was proceeding according to > plan--until Decker, my aide, pointed out a startling reality > I had overlooked. RACE : And that's why Decker only has seven puny stripes these days. GAVOK : The Evil had become bored, and given up conquering this world. I no longer need you. > "The Wedge Rats had become too numerous for their > intended craft; the Wedge was far too small. The Evil and > his soldiers had been preparing as well, also; thus, my army > was underequipped in the extreme. TBS : So I upgraded to plastic nunchaku. That didn't work too well either. > I set out to rectify that > immediately, racing against time, for it seemed that the time > for my children's Awakening was fast approaching. REBECCA: If the Wedge Rats become the tenth Tradition, I'm going to be violently, *violently* ill. > "And then it happened; LYNX : My credit card maxed out. > you were awakened prematurely by > that idiot Largo, a creation of my own HoloDECstation--fool I > was not to put safeties on it! It was never designed to > create life! Although--" he said aside to Gryphon, "I > congratulate you on these two lovely ladies. MMK : It's about time some of you scored. > No errors are they, but true undocumented features. LYNX: And we have title source. ALL : yay. > Fine work, my son, fine work." > Gryphon, Zoner, Kei, and Yuri had a brief four-way [TBS gasps.] TIFF: DON'T EVEN, SNOT! TBS: But...but... > puzzled look exchange as Fahrvergnugen continued, "In any > event...when I originally created the Wedge, I programmed it > to bring my children to me when it was activated, and such it > did. Now you are ready to receive the final steps of your > training-- REBECCA : ...you must confront Vader. > to be taught in the use of your new weapons and > organized into the steel and fire that must be used to combat > the Evil when it returns. DH1: *Teaching?* *Organizing?* I thought this was supposed to be a non-stop whirlpool of wish fulfillment! REBECCA: Hey--*combat.* There are *some* compensations. > My timetable is disrupted, but I > do not think any unrecoverable damage has been done." > "Uh...I hate to interrupt..." said MegaZone. > "Go on, MegaZone. Do not fear to ask me anything." MMK : Do you feel an odd breeze? TBS : Hmm...as a matter of fact, I--uh-oh. [TBS turns around, and pantomimes zipping his fly.] > "Does that involve a larger ship, I hope?" > "But of course it does! RACE : I am also the Prince of Valua! > You are just in time--your new > ship was completed mere days ago, and even now awaits its > final painting before it can be called truly finished. DH1 : I painted it day-glo orange. Hope you don't mind. > I think you will find it more to your liking. Fear not, your > faithful Wedge will remain, as part of the new ship; I could > not discard my original creation after it served me so > faithfully in the First War." TIFF : We're also using something called the Blue Narciss, for personal reasons. > "Can we see it?" Zoner asked. > "Certainly. Follow me." > They followed Fahrvergnugen to an observation bay; the > shutters over its huge klaster windows were closed. "Behold GAVOK: Optic Blast! > your new vessel!" Fahrvergnugen announced, pressing the > control that opened the shutters. They swung back--and the > assembled Wedge Rat away team gasped. TIFF : Dude! That's the Enterprise! LYNX : ...wrong window. > The bay looked out onto a construction slip, fully enclosed > and over a mile long. Huge quartz lights beamed light onto > the starship enclosed in the slip. GAVOK: Vanna White gestured to it, and smiled emptily. > It was nearly three-fourths the length of the bay, and > looked somewhat like a surface navy ship; RACE: In fact, it WAS a surface navy ship. The builders had messed up big time. REBECCA: With any luck, it's the Yamato. That way they can all die at the end. > the foredeck was > vast and swept back to tiered decks and a flying bridge tower > topped with a great sensor array, and behind that were huge > thrusters. What looked like two smaller spacecraft were > attached to the sides, just aft of two huge weapon barrels. > Everyone recognized it instantly, GAVOK: Because they'd fought it in Raiden II! > but Zoner was the first to shout in a strangled voice: DH1 : THEY'RE HERE ALREADY! THEY'RE HERE! YOU'RE NEXT! > "THAT'S THE SDF-1!" LYNX: Oh, *now* they worry about getting sued. MMK : No, Zoner! Don't put that in your pants! GAH! ZONER!! REBECCA: Robotech or Macross, Pre-refit or post-refit, Series or Move version? > "I thought it best to provide you with a vessel you > were already familiar with, and felt comfortable with," RACE: Oh, yeah, I'll bet they got their pilot's licenses in a Robotech ship. > explained Lord Fahrvergnugen. "Besides which, Zor is a > sometime acquaintance of mine, TBS: *ZOR*?! Great, just what we needed, an uber-Esper who doesn't know a thing about grammar! GAVOK : He stipulated that you should take Red4 as your medical officer and Testiclops as first mate. REBECCA: Wrong Zor, you morons. > and he agreed to let me use > the basic designs, which was a great timesaver. This ship is > the mightiest ship in space! It will serve you well. You see > there," he said, pointing to the flying bridge, which was > incomplete, with a great gaping hole in the front surrounded > by rigging and what looked like hinged panels. TIFF : The ship's having a routine gyno. Pay it no mind. > "There is where your Wedge goes; GAVOK : Just jam it right up its hoohah, ifyeknowwhutimean. LYNX : You see, kids, when a spaceship loves a dorm very, *very* much.... REBECCA: So... they're going to top it off with a college dorm? Kinda underwhelming, really. > it fits right into place, standing in Battroid mode, and then > the armor locks over it. Virtually impregnable. TBS: So it can't get knocked up. MMK: Different word, Snot. > The weapons are superior to anything else in > space. The Reflex cannon can destroy any adversary. LYNX: The Moon Stone Cannon can penetrate the Valuan Fortress! GAVOK: The specially-armored hull will let you fly over lava! REBECCA: The tri-axis drive booster will let you travel in the Galactic Arm! > This is the ship of destiny!" cried Fahrvergnugen with an expansive > gesture and a guffaw of triumph. DH1 : Never. I won't give in to the Dark Side. GAVOK: But he has to say it right. Pause a little after "ship," and say "destiny" a bit slower and deeper for emphasis... LOONS: Ship... of DESSSTINY! > He turned to the Wedge Rats. "Now go back to your ship > and tell the others what I have told you. LYNX : ...can we change our pants first? > I leave the details of your organization up to you; REBECCA: Great. Their training program is going to end up involving lots of junk food and sleeping in 'til noon. > your training and > final equipping begins in two days. Only remember: DH1 : The way UP...is the way DOWN... > time is short! The Evil is almost upon us!" So speaking, > Fahrvergnugen turned to sweep out of the room. REBECCA: It'd be funny if this guy was the insane janitor. > "Yo, Wolfgang!" Zoner called out. > Lord Fahrvergnugen spun, drawing his sword and sweeping > it towards Zoner's head. The blade stopped millimeters from > his nose; Zoner didn't flinch. DH1: Because you do *not* want "two for flinching" from *this* guy. LYNX: He'd learned not to flinch on the mean streets of... and I'll say it again... *rural Maine*. > He just assumed a very > strange expression. "I am Lord Fahrvergnugen to you!" Lord > Fahrvergnugen cried. TIFF: Poor Fahrvergnugen. He's only just met his children, and they're already in the rebellious stage. > "Um, yeah, right. Listen, put the pigsticker away, will > you? You're a Wedge Rat too, RACE : Threats won't cow me, MegaZone! > and no Wedge Rat is going to go by the name Lord Fahrvergnugen. > So pick something, or we will. MMK: Hey, let us! GAVOK: Ford Prefect! TBS: Dodge Viper! LYNX: Bushido Hayes! RACE: Ford Edsel! MMK: Um, I think that last one's taken. > You may end up Wolfgang, Wolfy, Fahrv, or something as > inane. Oh, and don't threaten me with that thing again or I > may have to hurt you." DH1 : My wailing for mercy can get pretty painful indeed. LYNX: Hey, maybe Hutchins *wasn't* lying when he said DJ wasn't his avatar... REBECCA: Nah, this guy's more like Raiu. He's got the anime girl-- [RACE twitches.] REBECCA: --the disrespect of authority, the screwy genetic background, the ability to contrive stuff out of his ass, the brooding, the imposition of his will on everyone around him... LYNX: I suppose it could be worse. REBECCA: Damn straight! > Lord Fahrvergnugen let out a hearty laugh. "I like you. RACE : I'll kill you last. > You have the bravery needed to be a great leader. MMK : Or the stupidity. But hey, either works. > Very well, you may address me as Wolfgang." TBS: How about "the Moz?" > "Cool, Wolfgang, now, how about supplying a few sets of > new clothes, some home entertainment, etc. And nearly > everyone here needs a shower. GAVOK : What's that have to do with me? TIFF : We need someone to hold our towels. > First things first, right?" > "You are right, of course, here," Wolfgang said, > pressing a button on a comm panel. "This droid will guide > you to the rest and relaxation facilities." A small droid > glided around the corner. DH1 : It will serve you well. TBS : He didn't just say what I think he said. > "Excellent, oh, and can I talk to you later?" > "Yes, of course, I will summon you later." MMK : It'll take five minutes and get boring after the third time or so. > "Yo, don't be so stuffy, loosen up. Don't `summon' > people, drop by and chill for a while." LYNX : I'm really starting to dislike you. > "Very well, perhaps you are correct." Wolfgang said as > he swept from the room. > "Uh, like weeeeeird?" said q. > "Uh yeah," Gryphon replied. "But you know...it all > makes sense somehow..." [ALL have a sudden coughing fit.] MMK: At least this isn't in first person. REBECCA: What do you mean? MMK: No explanatory story times. EMERALD : You're pushing it... [The screen goes dark.] ARL : As we are just and *merciful* gods, it's time for intermission! Use it or lose it, space cases! ======== [Scene: the roof of the Elmer Studios apartment building. MMK is seated behind a drum set. GAVOK has an inflatable "air guitar." TBS has a stand-up bass and a mike stand.] TBS: Hello, Sydney! The All Loon Revue says hello! Hit the music, my bad mo-fos! [...and they begin to play.] ------ The All Loon Revue "Benjamin Says I (With Apologies to Lou Reed)" It Only Hurts When I Think About It 'Vok Around the Clock Records Dir: Steven Soderbergh ------- Benjamin says, Sitting in a cafe. That he'd like to meet Kei and Yuri Even for one day. Benjamin says. That he feels alone. Even though he has friends who love him His eyes tend to roam. [Chorus] But he's not afraid to write; All of his friends call him Gryphon Don't disturb him while he's writin'- In his erudite style. In his verbose style. Benjamin says To his friend MegaZone. "I'm gonna write about the Lovely Angels- "Instead of sitting at home." MegaZone says, As he puts down his bong. "Hey that's cool, man, can I be in it? "That Yuri's one hot babe." But he's not afraid to write- All of his friends, call him Gryphon. Don't disturb him, while he's writin'- In his erudite style. Or he'll say 'Story Time.' He put his 'fic, on the Usenet... You know it's, such a funny story- And he called it, 'Undocumented Features.' And he called it, 'Undocumented Features.' And he called it, 'Undocumented Features.' ------ The All Loon Revue "Benjamin Says I (With Apologies to Lou Reed)" It Only Hurts When I Think About It 'Vok Around the Clock Records Dir: Steven Soderbergh ------- [GAVOK pops the air guitar with a long pin. TBS whips the mike stand around his head and throws it off the building. Someone in the street below screams, and a car audibly crashes.] GAVOK : There wasn't a life form we didn't *rock*! TBS : We'll be... right back. ======== [To be continued in Part Two.] ======== Edited by: Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde storyteller@msc.net http://www.dimfuture.net/elsewhere/ Leave feedback on this MiSTing at: http://network54.com/Hide/Forum/80982 Special Guest Writers: Alicia Ashby lynxara@bad-candy.com Alex Fauth rickr@ihug.com.au http://www.elmerstudios.com Keith Palmer krjpalme@sciborg.uwaterloo.ca Writing Staff: the Black Snotling Snotter@sluggy.net http://jupiter.spaceports.com/~Snotling Nicholas Eckert, the Vidstudent vidstudent@hushmail.com http://www.fortunecity.com/campus/law/44/ Asako Hisamatsu cross_sinker@my-deja.com James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight multimediocreknight@yahoo.com http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Battlefield/4281/ David "Ice Fenix" LaSalle izfenix@hotmail.com Gavin "Gavok" Jasper gjj2192@rit.edu http://www.rit.edu/~gjj2192/hol/index.html Geson "Racewing" Hatchett ghatch@panix.com http://racewing.tripod.com Signus Megido maramala@hotmail.com http://hello.to/maramala Mua LUIGI8888@aol.com http://mua4.tripod.com/MuaLand1/index.html Nippy eo_sako3006@yahoo.com Mark Poa markpoa@edsamail.com.ph SD Ryukage dragon48@ptd.net http://fly.to/sd_nexus John "Ripper Jak" Stoddert WYVERN5555@aol.com http://members.xoom.com/RipperJak/ Opening sketch by the Black Snotling, with some assistance from Alex Fauth. Midpoint sketch ("Mecha Racewing") by the Black Snotling Closing sketch ("Benjamin Says I") by the Black Snotling, with the minor bits at the beginning and end by Thomas Wilde. All "Undocumented Features" characters are either the property of themselves, or someone else where attributed at the beginning of the 'fic. All MSTers are the property of their respective creators. Mystery Octagon Theater: http://www.dimfuture.net/elsewhere/mot.html > "Aren't you?" Gryphon considered. "You don't think > you're real." She shook her head. "Well then...neither am I." > "What?!" > "Well, if you aren't, I certainly don't want to be. I > am hereby no longer real. There. That was easy enough."