The MSTreatment of COLUMBINE'S MOST WANTED Essay by: Peter W. Guerin MSTreatment by: Freezer Tonberry King Keith Palmer Rebo Valence Edited by: Dalty Smilth Additional Material by: Matthew Blackwell o/ In the not too distant future In an alternate reali- ty Dr. Forrestor and TV's Frank Are as happy as can be It's been years since they've Been on the show But Mike Nelson is still up there though The S-O-L's still in good shape And they haven't met Observer or that silly grinning a-ape We'll send him cheesy fanfics (Hoo hoo hoo) The worst we can find (La la la) He'll have to sit and Read them all (Hoo hoo hoo) And we'll monitor his mind (La la la) Now, keep in mind Mike can't Control (Hoo hoo hoo) Where the fanfics begin or End (La la la) He'll try to keep his Sanity With the help of his Robot Friends Robot Roll Call! (Let's go) Cambot! (Pan left) Gypsy! (Hi girl) Tom Servo! (What a cool guy) Crooooooooooooooow! (He's a wisecracker) If you're wondering how he Eats and breathes (Hoo hoo hoo) And other science facts (La la la) Just repeat to yourself "It's just a show. I should really just relax." For Mystery Science Theatre Three-Thousand o/ (Twang) (...1...) (...2...) (...3...) (...4...) (...5...) (...6...) (Crow is dressed in a backwards baseball cap, an unbuttoned plaid shirt and a white undershirt. Tom is wearing a green sweater and a black wig and fake goatee. Mike is nowhere in sight. The back of the bridge has a sign that says Fas-Stop.) CROW: Oh, hi folks! We're just filming my new, completely original independent comedy movie entitled "Convenience Store Workers". And if anyone's asking, it is in no way a rip-off of a certain Kevin Smith film of a similar nature. We've got completely original characters! For instance, there's the extremely put-upon main character who has bad luck with women: Danny! Playing the part of Danny is my main man, Tom Servo! (Tom takes a bow.) Why don't you give them a line there, Danny. TOM: (Sounding nothing like Brian O'Halloran, if that's what you're thinking.) What? I can't work today. It's my day off! CROW: Thank you, Danny. Next is Danny's slacker best friend who works at the video store next door, MST Video: Randy! I, of course, play the part of Randy. (Crow clears his throat and says in a voice that sounds not unlike that of Jeff Anderson...) You know, this job would be great if it weren't for the customers. (Normal voice) And next are what are sure to be the most memorable and marketable characters from this film franchise: Joe and Quiet Rob! Come on out, guys! (Mike and Gypsy walk into the frame. Mike is dressed in black with a a plaid shirt tied around his waist and a backward baseball cap with a wig of shoulder-length hair on his head. Gypsy also wears a backward black baseball cap and a trenchcoat.) MIKE: Crow, are you sure this isn't copyright infringement of some sort? CROW: Crow? Who is Crow? There's no Crow in this Fas-Stop! MIKE: (Sighs) Fine. Randy? CROW: Yes? MIKE: Aren't we a little over the line with this? CROW: Of course not! There's absolutely no reason to think otherwise. (In character) Say, what is the deal with Star Wa- (Thinks for a moment.) Trek! Star Trek! Anyway uh... (To Mike) Say your line, Joe. MIKE: What? CROW: Your line! Say it! MIKE: Crow, seriously, I'm not sure this will fly with- CROW: Just say your line! MIKE: *Sigh* Snoogie boogies, little woogies. *Sigh* Gypsy, help me out here. GYPSY: Word! MIKE: *Sigh* (Phone starts ringing) I'll get it! (He picks up cordless phone from behind the desk.) Hello, Satellite of Love. (Pause) Yes, this is Mike Nelson speaking. (Pause) What? (Pause) You're who? (Pause) Wow! Kevin Smi- Hey guys, this is Kevin Smith on the line! Kevin, I loved Mallr- (Pause) What? (Pause) Suing us? (Commercial light flashes) Hold on, Kevin. (Cups his hand over microphone of the phone and says to camera...) We'll be right back. (Commercial logo) (Commercials: Vote Dole, Vote Clinton, Vote Perot, Vote Poirot, Vote Perrier, Vote Terrier, Vote Terrestrial, Vote Extra Terrestrial, etc.) (Back on the SOL Bridge, everything is back to normal, including Mike & the bots. Mike is still on the phone, though.) MIKE: (Listening to phone.) Uh huh... uh huh... (In falsetto British accent) Oh I know! Oh I know! (Back to normal) Uh huh... yeah... yeah I-... (He cringes then holds the phone away from his ear for a few seconds, then brings it back.) Yes... yes... okay, I'll tell him. (He cups the phone and addresses Crow) Kevin Smith is *not* happy. CROW: Well, I can't see how my movie is infringing on his movie! TOM: I told you you couldn't just cut and paste the script and claim it as your own! CROW: Shut up, Tom! You're not helping! MIKE: (Listening to the phone some more) Anyway, he's not happy, but he's willing to settle if you just stop production on "Convenience Store Workers" right now and burn anything relating to it. CROW: Tell him to go suck a lemon! MIKE: (To phone) Uhh... Mr. Smith? He agrees. CROW: What?! I just told you- TOM: Forget it, Crow. The dream is over. CROW: (Sullenly) Fine. MIKE: Okay, Mr. Smith. Well, I'll talk to you later. Okay! Bye! (He hangs up.) CROW: (Brightly) Oh well. This will free up more time for me to work on my new independent horror film, "The Dead Who Also Happen to Be Evil". (The Mads Light flashes) MIKE: Uh, we'll go over the problems with that one later. I think Jason Lee and Ben Affleck are calling. Yes? (He hits button.) (Deep 13) DR. F: Well, my tender, succulent prawns, I assume since you've been making movies you haven't had time to do an invention. (SOL) MIKE: Uh, actually we have. (Deep 13) DR. F: You have? Well then, don't let's waste time! Let's see this invention. (SOL) (There is what appears to be a full scale model of Billy Corgan's head with a crank in its side and a slot on top on the desk.) MIKE: Tom, take point on this one. TOM: Okay. Whether you're a fan of the now defunct Smashing Pumpkins or a fan of the new band Zwan- CROW: Which is to say, you're a fan of the Smashing Pumpkins. TOM: As I was saying, if you're a fan of the Smashing Pumpkins, you are no doubt a fan of their leader, Billy Corgan. His despair-filled, obscure, and often bizarre lyrics are like hypnotic poetry written by someone on LSD. Crow? CROW: His lyrical style is unique and hard to imitate, unless you're a musical genius or just too lazy to write understandable lyrics. MIKE: There's no way someone like me could write Billy Corgan lyrics. Right? ALL: Wrong! TOM: With our invention, the Corganizer, (Mike motions to the Billy Corgan head with crank) writing a Billy Corgan song is as easy as one two three! MIKE: How it works is you choose from lists of keywords, (he takes several cards from behind the desk) such as "boy", "mother", "soul", "regret", and "tear", put them in the slot on the top here, (He does so) and turn the crank and... (The head's lips begin to move and it says in a Billy Corgan voice) CORGANIZER: The boy spoke from the eternal pits of blackness that were his soul. His regret that his tears could not save his mother. INPUT COMMAND TARGET XP-131 FOR LINES- (Mike turns the crank the other way and the Corganizer stops. Mike grins sheepishly.) MIKE: We're uh, still working out some of the bugs. (Deep 13) DR. F: Oh, nice work, Sondheim. Nothing compared to our invention this week. Right Frank? (Pause) Frank? FRANK: I'm sorry sir. I lost our invention. DR. F: You WHAT?!! FRANK: DON'T KILL ME!!! I can find it! I swear on your mother's grave I'll find it. DR. F: My mother's not dead, Frank... yet. Well don't just stand there acting like an imbecile! Go and find our invention. NOW! (Frank goes off the right of the screen.) While he's busy, I suppose I'd better introduce your experiment for this week. It's a rant from an author I'm sure you'll be hearing a lot from over the next few years. His name: Peter W. Guerin. I'm grooming him to be the next Stephen Ratliff. (SOL) ALL: *Groan!* MIKE: Oh well. I guess *nothing* could be worse than Enterprized. TOM: Please don't tempt fate like that. (Deep 13) DR. F: Anyway, this particular rant tries to prove that Daria could have prevented Columbine. Or something. Here it is, peons! Enjoy! (SOL) ALL: WE'VE GOT GUERIN SIGN!!! (...6...) (...5...) (...4...) (...3...) (...2...) (...1...) (Mike enters the theatre, carrying Tom. Crow follows Mike. Mike, not surprisingly, puts Tom in his seat, and Mike and Crow sit in their seats.) >COLUMBINE'S MOST WANTED? CROW: (John Walsh) Hi I'm John Walsh. >================================================================ TOM: o/ On the road again o/ > >Is MTV's popular animated series "Daria" TOM: More like "MTV's *only* popular *anything* series." >to blame for the tragedy at >Littleton, Colorado, or a convenient scapegoat for the fundamentalist >right? TOM: Or is Guerin ranting about a problem that doesn't even exist? All this and Andy Rooney! MIKE: Um, those are the only choices? TOM: If I'd bothered to remember the number of public burnings of MTV merchandise, I might have been able to answer that. > >================================================================ > >by Peter W. Guerin > >================================================================ > >Imagine, if you will, MIKE: (Childishly) Well I won't! You can't make me! CROW: When he puts it so politely, how can you refuse? >entering your local post office one day, and >casually looking at the "WANTED" posters on the bulletin board. MIKE: You think it's about time to bring in some extra cash with a nice easy bounty. TOM: Now imagine there's no Heaven. MIKE: It's easy if you try. >Among >them seems to be one with the picture of a rather plain-looking woman with >brown hair, eyeglasses and with no expression on her face. CROW: Janet Reno's latest photo shoot goes over well! MIKE: (typing in commands) "take poster." >You now >casually read the poster, which goes as follows: MIKE: "Agent Action! Produced by, directed by, and starring William Blair. With original score by William Blair and songs by William Blair and Randy Newman." > >WANTED: For conspiracy to commit mass murder TOM: The guys that made pintos? > >Name: Daria Morgendorffer >Age: 17 >Height: 5' 2" >Weight: 108 lbs. MIKE: Type: Cynical. Attacks: One-liner, Sarcastic smile. >Hair: Brown >Eyes: Blue >Distinguishing characteristics: CROW: Animated. >Expressionless face, CROW: So anyone who plays poker well could be Daria. >speaks in monotone TOM: Stephen Wright? >Suspect often seen wearing: MIKE: A shirt that reads, "I'm conspiring to commit mass murder." >Brown T-shirt, green field jacket, black, >pleated knee-length skirt and black Doc Martens steel-toed boots MIKE: So be sure to step on your suspect's foot before you make your citizen's arrest. >Known accomplices: Jane Lane, Trent Lane, CROW: Mills Lane, TOM: Lois Lane, MIKE: Lover's Lane, TOM: Changing Lane, MIKE: Carpool Lane, >Beavis, Butt-Head CROW: I thought she hated Beavis and Butthead. TOM: What about Hank Hill? > >You stand there amazed as you look at this. TOM: I mean, cartoon characters on postage stamps are kind of fun, but novelty wanted posters are a little *too* much. MIKE: Suddenly, your sister's horrified screams echo throughout the abandoned post office. (typing) "Go upstairs." Whaddaya *mean* "'go' isn't in my vocabulary!?" >You skip down to the charges >against her and are shocked to read the following: MIKE: "A fork in the electrical outlet." TOM: "Bought an X-Box." CROW: *GASP!* Hey, wait a minute! I'll do casual, I'll even do amazed, but I *won't* do shocked. > >"Suspect is accused of influencing Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris in their >attack on Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado on April 20, 1999, MIKE: Which suggests that the local cleaning staff could stand to pick it up a bit. CROW: I know all about not harassing postal workers, but maybe they're playing it a little *too* safe. >where they stormed into said school and killed thirteen students and >teachers." CROW: So the FBI is looking for cartoon characters? MIKE: Detectives Miranda and Bonkers are already hot on the trail. > >You just look at this in disbelief. MIKE: It's getting scary how well he's predicting our reactions. >How could a popular animated program >on MTV influence the worst incidence of school violence in American >history? TOM: Yes, *do* tell us! MIKE: The answer: it didn't. > >The sad truth is, however, that this story is not as far fetched as it >may appear at first glance, CROW: So objects in the baseless ranting may appear more farfetched than they are? MIKE: Just get up to forty-three glances, and you'll finally be convinced. >and is just part of a continuing battle that's >been going on ever since Popeye first whipped out that can of spinach TOM: Actually, things weren't that bad until he started living in garbage cans, turning up heaters and blowing up weiners. >and >Tom first got a shovel to the head by Jerry. CROW: But those shows are just *cartoon* violence. MIKE: I don't know. Remember that Tom & Jerry cartoon where Jerry attacked Tom with a broken liquor bottle? TOM: Oh god, how I wish he wasn't making that up. MIKE: And the *really* sad truth is that everything would still be fine if he'd just stuck to vases and rakes. > >It all began innocently enough with a post to the Message Bored TOM: If you're bored then go outside and play or somethin! >at >Lawndale Commons (http://welcome.to/lawndale), a Daria fan site MIKE: And as we all know, everything we see in a message board is the absolute 100% truth. Oh yes, message boards: the summit of all wisdom. >maintained by "Toon Magazine" Associate Editor Michelle Klein-Häss. TOM: Sounds more like an ice cream manufacturer than a magazine editor. >On a >post dated May 8, 1999, Kathleen Becker said the following: MIKE: "I LOOOOOVE DARIA!!!!!!!!!! SHE'S MY FAVE!!!!! ^-^" CROW: "Do you like Hot Beastie Sex? We have the super hot content on the Internet!" TOM: "Anyone here from Texas?" > >"I think it's sad. In my debate class, someone was talking about how >"Daria" encourages violence. TOM: And because *one* person said something in a debate class, it's a national problem. >She doesn't do ANYTHING violent. TOM: Maybe it's just the fact that her dad is a neurotic that says "dammit" every five minutes. > It's sad >we blame the media for Columbine. It makes me vomit." CROW: Well... I guess since Daria is part of the media... maybe blaming the media in general *would* encompass Daria... but I don't recall Daria being blamed specifically. > >This, of course, led to some spirited debate MIKE: It's definitely the kind of argument that goes better when alcohol- fueled. >on the matter, not only in >the message boards but in fan fiction and in letters to the editor. MIKE: The debate *was* over which Backstreet Boy was cuter, but still... TOM: Oh, yeah! I remember that special page in "The Atlantic Monthly" now. CROW: That was good, but "The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists" got *really* profound. >Michelle Klein-Häss weighed in MIKE: At 225 lbs. in the red corner. >with her opinion on the matter in her fan >fic "Clothes Make the Manson": MIKE: Which descended from on high in a mighty roll of thunder! > >"'Well, Daria, is this a little like fantasy fulfillment?,' asked Jane >(Lane, Daria's best friend). CROW: (Daria) Jane, put that leather whip back where you found it. > >Jane's words just lowered the temperature a few more degrees. TOM: A voice-activated thermostat may sound like a good idea, but you should really check its activation codes before you install it. > >"(Daria replied) I would never go through it. I might make jokes, but I >wouldn't do it. Really, Jane, you should know me better than that. CROW: (Daria) I'll kick crotches, but I draw the line at killing. > >"Not even the Fashion Club? > >"Not even them." MIKE: (Jane) How about Greg Kinnear? TOM: (Daria) Not even him. MIKE: (Jane) How about Hideo Nomo? TOM: (Daria) Nope. MIKE: (Jane) Tom Green? TOM: (Daria) Well... Not him either. > >(The entire story can be read at the fan fiction section of Ms. >Klein-Häss' Web site.) Mike: (depressed)I have a feeling we'll be reading this veeeery soon... > >Even I had something to say about the matter in my own fan fic, >"Booted!", which can be read at my site, Mark Zero Fan Fiction >(http://direct.at/markzero.com). >In one scene of the story--which deals >with Daria's boots being stolen-- TOM: And given what's happened in previous Guerinfics, the qualifier is greatly appreciated. >Daria, her sister Quinn and their parents >Jake and Helen are CROW: (Guerin) ...in the pit of temptation with a bucket of body oil. Did I mention my fanfic was a lemon? >having a discussion in regard to the theft: TOM: Well, actually Jake's babbling about his dad forcing him to dress up like a mailman and dance in front of his poker buddies, but it's pretty much the same thing. > >Jake: Well, after what happened in Littleton, Colorado, I bet they're >cracking down on trenchcoats and Goth clothes. TOM: Yes, the FBI's rage extends even to Sam Spade and renaissance fairs! > >Helen: (Sharply.) Who asked you, Jake? > CROW: Oooh! I bet Jake's going to have some sort of submissive reply and it's funny 'cause it's fun! >Jake: (Meekly.) Sorry. ALL: Hahahahahahahahahahaha! TOM: I'll say one thing for Peter, he doesn't disappoint. MIKE: See what'cha get for being a 'sensitive male?' > >Daria: Mom, Dad, do you really seriously think the school would take >away my boots because they think I might take out a gun and shoot >everyone? TOM: Ah yes! Schools: utopias of rationality and logic. No one *ever* overreacts to *anything* at school. CROW: Especially the same school where in another fanfic by the same author, there were murder attempts just because of a Student Council Election. > >Helen: Well. . . > >Daria: I wouldn't. > >Helen: That's a relief. MIKE: (Helen) Or maybe it's the Rolaids I just took. > >Daria: I'd prefer to wear a halter top and hot pants when I do that. CROW: Is it just me, or is this post halfway decent? MIKE: It's you, Crow. > >Jake: Daria, you wouldn't! TOM: (Jake) Everyone *knows* that turtlenecks and skorts go better with a PP7. What are you thinking? > >Helen: Jake, she's obviously making a joke about this. . .(With a tone of >half-concern, half-anger.) you were, right? > >(Daria just smirks that Mona Lisa smile of hers.) MIKE: And then whips a chaingun out from behind her back and blows everyone away. CROW: Here's a thought, maybe crappy *internet* posts make people violent. > >Quinn: Daria, I think Mom and Dad do have a point. You wear that old >field jacket, knee-length pleated skirt and those boots a lot. CROW: (Quinn) In fact, this is *all* we *ever* wear. It's as if we were characters drawn by lazy animators... >It's >almost as frightening as those dusters those two killers wore. MIKE: So if the killers wore poodle skirts, that makes anyone who wears a poodle skirt a killer? > >Daria: Come on, guys; even you aren't that dumb enough to paint everyone >who's smart, cynical and an outcast in school as a potential mass >murderer. TOM: (Jake) You used a three-syllable word! Detain her before it's too late! MIKE: Uh, small rule of thumb, it's *not* a good idea to call your parents dumb, Daria. > >Helen: Well, you also like to play "CyberKron" and "Cannibal Fragfest". CROW: Oooh! Those sound fun! Can we get those, Mike? MIKE: Well, beat Doom 3 first and we'll see. > >Daria: This is almost as ridiculous as saying playing with toy guns >makes you violent. > >Helen: Maybe you ought to soften that image of yours a bit, Daria. CROW: (Helen) Put on a little meat tenderizer every morning or something. > >Daria: And become like Quinn? Been there, done that, hated every minute >of that. TOM: (Daria) Though I did get this nice T-shirt! > >Quinn: Well, Daria, I do have a pair of go-go boots you can borrow until >you can get the others back or get a new pair. CROW: (Quinn) If you tap them, they start playing "Venus"! > >Daria: No thanks; I don't want to look like a fashion disaster. > >Helen: Daria, at least consider it. CROW: (Helen) Come on! Be a fashion disaster? For Mommy? > >Daria: Yeah, at the same time they give me a lobotomy. (She gets up to >put her plate away.) > MIKE: And... we made it! That wasn't too bad. CROW: Except that when we get it for real, we'll have to think of new riffs. >Now, I will grant that most of the blame in this matter has been fixed on >movies like "Natural Born Killers" and "The Basketball Diaries", CROW: (Guerin) And no blame has been placed on Daria by any credible news outlet, but still! MIKE: You know, I just thought of something. TOM: What? MIKE: This post would be better if it was named "Hopping Mad over Daria." TOM: ...no it wouldn't Mike. You're just hoping. >as well >as video games like "Doom", "Quake" and "Duke Nukem 3D", TOM: But who *really* cares about obvious targets like them? MIKE: (Guerin) But this is no reason to blame games like Super Mario Bros. >but remember that >"Daria" is being shown on MTV, a network that's no stranger to Tom: Low ratings? >controversy, TOM: ...and low ratings. CROW: Such as when they proclaimed that Justin is hotter than JC! MIKE: What with the whole video-induced death of the radio star and all. >and that Daria herself had been spun off from the popular >"Beavis and Butt-Head", which itself engendered MIKE: Huh-huh-huh--he said "engendered." CROW: Please don't do that. TOM: "engendered"? MIKE: Is that what happens when you fall into one of the cursed springs? >controversy due to their >characters' obsessiveness with bodily functions, "scoring" with women and >pyromania; MIKE: Until the public realized that this was no different than the programming on Fox and NBC. TOM: Man! They'll pick on *anything* to make something look bad! >there was the well-known incident in 1993 where a woman in Ohio >blamed the show for her son setting their trailer home on fire, killing >his sister. MIKE: And then to make matters worse, he kneecapped a skating rival, left a bloody glove behind, and had an affair with an intern. I think. TOM: Of course, the authorities ignored the completely unrelated evidence of neglect, and also the fact that the house had been strewn with half-used matchbooks and open drums of lighter-fluid. CROW: (skimming over the paragraph, then shaking with awed frustration) That entire thing was *one sentence.* Is that even legal?? >As long as we have self-appointed "censors of the people" >like Jerry Falwell, Peggy Charren and Donald Wildmon around, CROW: The new, tight-lipped and generally disapproving Digital Monster. TOM: So our censors are an obnoxious talk-show host, a ditzy wife to an uncaring shoe-salesman, and a grainy-voiced cartoon duck? MIKE: (Mills Lane) I'll allow it! >shows like >"Daria" and "Beavis and Butt-Head" aren't going to get a break. > TOM: What about Invader Zim? >First of all, there is no evidence proving that either Klebold or Harris >were fans of "Daria" or that they had even watched the show. CROW: Kind of like how there's no evidence that anyone says they did! TOM: They were too busy innocently polishing their AK-47s and revising their "People We Want To Kill" webpage for grammatical errors to taint their wholesome minds with a show so blatantly satanic as Daria. >Odds are, >Klebold and Harris--who had Nazi leanings--probably weren't, since two of >Daria's friends are African-Americans, Student Government Vice President >Jodie Landon and Football Team Captain Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie. >Further, trying to paint them--as some have-- CROW: (Guerin) I won't say who, because I don't have to have actual facts to back up what I say! >as being Goths like the >perpetually taciturn Andrea also is problematic. MIKE: Mostly because Goth-colored paint is a really hard color to find. >Though the both of them >did listen to Marilyn Manson, MIKE: Or maybe it was Marilyn McCoo. >most Goths like Andrea are not the type that >are out for blood CROW: Snot? Maybe. Phlegm? Most certainly! But not blood. >(or even engage in Satanic worship); CROW: Is he talking about Jodie and Mack, or Daria and Jane? TOM: Or grandma or Harry the Hypnotist? MIKE: Or the chief? ALL: Or McCloud? >most, like the >suspects, are indeed outcasts, and frankly, when I was growing up in the >1970's and 1980's, I saw all this before in the guise of Steven Vincent >Furnier--Alice Cooper to you (the biggest irony being that now Cooper's >act seems sedate compared to Manson's; when you've got Pat Boone doing >some of his songs and even playing golf with the man, it makes you >realize how old you're getting). All: (just look at each other with puzzled looks) >Most Goths tend to be rather shy, quiet >individuals who wouldn't harm anyone TOM: He's obviously never been to a goth website. I went to one and it was the first time a website has actually caused me physical pain! >(the most Andrea's ever harmed anyone >herself was in telling class Geek Charles "Upchuck" Ruttheimer III to beat >it). CROW: (Guerin) Well, and there was that time she went after Jane with a chainsaw. But that's beside the point! >Do not take what I am saying amiss; I do not follow the Goth >lifestyle myself, MIKE: (Guerin) Although I do wear black clothes and eyeliner, and listen to Ministry all day long. >and I have no intentions of doing so. CROW: (Guerin) In fact, I think they're icky! >But I feel that >the majority of those who do who are otherwise fine young men and women >should not be singled out for the sins of a few. CROW: So, in other words, four legs good, two legs bad? MIKE: No.... CROW: Well, that's what *I* got out of it. > >In one point of view, I could act as a Devil's advocate for the suspects. TOM: Why do I get the feeling that he doesn't mean he took the opposite point of view? >Life for me in school--from elementary right through to high school--was >not a picnic for me. TOM: (Guerin) It was more of a potluck supper. CROW: His lunches were depressingly ant-free. >In the caste system people humorously call "class >cliques", MIKE: (Monotone)Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. "Class cliques". Where does he come up with this stuff? TOM: (Monotone) Ha ha ha ha ha ha. My sides are splitting. CROW: (Monotone) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Can he even say that? >the jocks and fashion plates are at the top, while the nerds are >in the middle, TOM: I thought Malcolm was in the middle. MIKE: Well, this encompases him. >with Goths next and dead last, Special Education >students--the "Untouchables". TOM: I hope he's not referring to Sean Connery. >I was an "Untouchable"; CROW: Oh! He was the nerdy one! MIKE: (Guerin) I spent a lot of time speeding towards Al Capone's hideout. >I was in Special >Education due to a behavior problem. Any of the problems the Darias or >Klebolds or Harrises or Andreas or Upchucks CROW: Who were presumably the original focus of this essay... TOM: Or the Menendezes or the Mansons or the Dahmers or the Bobbitts or the Koreshes... >of this world have, I had it >ten times worse due to something that was an accident of birth, something >that I could not control. MIKE: Something that tasted vaguely of lemon. >And for that I was picked on, teased, harassed, >beaten up, treated like a member of what the Japanese call the >"burakumin", "the filthy people". CROW: Oh. I was going to say "the whiny people", but that works too. TOM: And he washed in a hot spring every day, too! >I was made known that I would not be >welcome in school clubs or any other activity by the "jocks" because of >who I was; it was the moral equivalent of "No Irish need apply". TOM: Or "Authentic Irishman for hire". >I was >warned by the "jocks" not to go out with any girls because they didn't >want "their" girls going out with one of "my" kind. MIKE: (Guerin) So I dated college women instead. Damn those jocks! >At times I felt like >one of those civil rights activists of the 1960's; CROW: In that he got beat up by cops? MIKE: Watch it, mister! >I had to fight for MIKE: (Guerin) ...my right to paaaaaaaaaaarty! >what >I had. It was a brave decision on my part to seek the post of Student >Government President in my junior year; there were some who made threats >to me during my campaign, TOM: Fortunately, I had federal agent Jack Bauer on my side! >and some of my posters were torn down. MIKE: (Guerin) This *was* several weeks after the election, but I just *knew* that it was because everyone was against me. TOM: So, halfway through the post he stops talking about Daria and starts whining about high school? >In the >end, I lost by a narrow margin, the narrowest in school history. CROW: Are you sure you didn't really win? Matthew Broderick might have been counting the votes. TOM: And if he'd only had a campaign manager also prone to sudden mood swings to fall in love and have kinky sex with, that might not have happened. CROW: But he's not bitter. > >On the one hand, I can understand the frustrations of Klebold and Harris; >on the other, I must condemn the methods they used to express their >frustrations. MIKE: An official statement came from the office of Peter Guerin today, saying that his office condemns the actions taken by Klebold and Harris during their attacks at Columbine. Grieving families were not consoled by this, saying that they have no idea who Peter Guerin is, or why he's issuing a statement. >I must admit there were times I wanted to "pay back" at my >tormentors, but at least I had the moral decency not to act them out the >way they did. CROW: (Guerin) I decided to take it out on the internet instead! >If the saying that time heals all wounds is correct, then >such has been the case with me. CROW: Yeah, well let's see time heal 15 stab wounds in the neck, bucko! MIKE: (Guerin) If not, I think I'd better get to the hospital. >It's been twelve years since I graduated >from high school, and over the years I have tried to contact some of the >people I knew. To these people I have over the years expressed my >forgiveness for what had happened to me. TOM: (Guerin) Yeah, this is the guy that you tarred, feathered, and hung up out on the school flagpole ten years ago. Uh-huh. Look I just wanted to call and say I forgive you. What's that? Up my what? Hello? *Hello?* CROW: (Guerin) Hey, this is Pete Guerin from high school! Yeah, Pete Guerin! What? Yeah you did rip my swimming trunks off and throw me in the girls locker room junior year! Anyway I- (pause) Yes well I called to let you know that I forgi- (another pause) Yeah, so anyway I forgive- (yet another pause) STOP LAUGHING!!! >Perhaps my watching "Daria" has >helped in some way as well. The show is no "Wonder Years"; MIKE: Why, Fred Savage is not even in it! >there's no >rose-colored lenses by which it views school life today, or yesterday. >However, there are universal themes that anyone who's ever went to high >school can relate to, whether it was the 1950's, 1960's, 1970's, 1980's or >1990's. MIKE: (singing) Or the year two-thousand-ten. CROW: Hey, what about the 1940s? TOM: Come on; the Greatest Generation didn't *have* problems. >In some ways I see a bit of myself in Daria Morgendorffer, TOM: (Guerin) You can read all about this subject in my self-insertion fanfic: Misery-Super-Double-Secret-Chocolate-Fudgey-Shinto-Ice-Cream-Sandwich, in which my head gets placed on Daria's body and we have all sorts of crazy adventures! >and I >see a lot of one of the few friends I did have in her confidant, Jane Lane >(a dear friend, who has since passed on, I might add). CROW: Jane is dead?!! >We've all met >someone like them in our school years; most of us just don't want to admit >it. MIKE: Yes, I've blocked the best times of my life out of my mind. >It is the brave few who do, and do so with courage. TOM: Okay, my theory is that Guerin writes with some kind of random sentence generator. > >By all means I am not saying that perhaps Klebold and Harris would not >have gone on their bloody rampage if they had watched "Daria", CROW: (Guerin) I'm just saying that if they *had*, they probably wouldn't have gone on their bloody rampage. No, wait! >but I >would challenge the Peggy Charrens and Donald Wildmons of this world MIKE: He'll leave the Jerry Falwells alone, but then that's a given. >to >take a very close look at the show CROW: Using at *least* a fifty power lens. >before they condemn what they do not >know or understand. CROW: After that--hey, go ahead and condemn all you want. MIKE: Hello, Kettle? This is Pot. I'd just like to say that you're black. >Perhaps they will see themselves or even their own >children in the program. TOM: Perhaps that'll nag on them until they go crazy. CROW: (Announcer) Thanks to Daria's "Be On Daria" Contest. >Perhaps they will see that not all the outcasts >in school are the duster-clad, gun-toting type. MIKE: Some of them are just the make fun of the jocks using language they can't possibly understand type! CROW: Still others are the so stoned they don't even care type! TOM: Perhaps they'll set up a great-tasting breakfast buffet. >Perhaps then they will >not be so quick to judge. MIKE: Perhaps then they'll even arrange trial by jury! TOM: And perhaps gigantic junior-mints will arrive in their tennis-ball spaceship from the planet Plexozor bringing presents for all the good little children of the world. Then, their leader, Elaprowix, will have a tea-party with Eek the cat and the Great Pumpkin and dance on Saturn's rings for the rest of time. CROW: Keep dreaming, Peter. If they need a scapegoat, they'll find one. >If not, then we are perhaps sowing the seeds >for more Columbines, and that would be the biggest tragedy of all. CROW: Yeah. It's much better to plant daisies. MIKE: Wow, that ending was taken directly from all my eighth grade essays! TOM: We gotta go, guys. (Mike picks up Tom while Crow Exits. Mike then Exits carrying Tom. So what else is new?) (...1...) (...2...) (...3...) (...4...) (...5...) (...6...) (On the bridge, Mike, Crow, Tom, and Gypsy stand in their usual spots.) MIKE: In honor of our experiment today - we of the Satellite of Love present The Six Degrees of Daria. TOM: With Mr. Guerin's habit of taking just about any subject and either connecting Daria to it, or sticking her in the middle of - as in this essay - We figure that Pete's got some sort of twisted Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon going on. CROW: So we decided to try our hand at his game. Gypsy's going to spit out random issues and situations, and we're going to try to connect it - Guerin-style - in six steps or less to our Ms. Morgendorfer. MIKE: And should we stumble on to one that sounds like an actual Guerinfic - our apologies in advance. Okay, start us off, Gypsy! GYPSY: Okay, first subject is: AIDS Research! TOM: Softball! AIDS Research is the study of a disease that is misunderstood by much of the general public, much like DARIA is misunderstood by most of her peers! MIKE: That was kind of a reach, but okay. Next? GYPSY: Next we have: Gun control. CROW: I got this one! Guns are everywhere. Guns are ending up in the hands of young people in disturbing numbers. Many of whom are misunderstood outcasts - like Daria. MIKE: Okay... What else we got? GYPSY: We got: The Drug War. MIKE: Guess it's my turn. Okay, we got drugs. Worldwide social and criminal problem. Lots of young people trying them, getting hooked. But maybe - just maybe - they wouldn't if they watched more Daria and adopted her personal views. CROW: Or they'd get hooked in record numbers and commit suicide in droves. MIKE: Or that too. TOM: Somehow this has gone from "Six Degrees" to "One Big-Ass Logic Jump..." GYPSY: Okay, one more guys: Sarcastic, maladjusted, teenage girls! MIKE: Sarcastic, maladjusted... Ooh, tough one. CROW: Umm... Drawin' a blank. TOM: Same here. MIKE: Guess that's something even Daria can't relate to. What do you think, sirs? (Deep 13) (We see a huge pile of junk in the background, and something behind it keeps tossing more junk up in the air haphazardly.) DR. F: (Distracted) What? Oh. Yes. Very good, Milt. Frank! Where's that invention? FRANK: (From behind pile of junk) Don't worry, Your Darkness, I've almost found it. I know it's around here somewhere. DR. F: (Frustrated) Grr... Nevermind, Frank. Just push the but- (a piece of junk brains Dr. Forrestor, and he collapses. After a moment Frank stands up from behind the pile.) FRANK: Dr. F? Dr. F? Steve? (Frank stands there for a second, then shrugs.) Oh well. (Frank resumes tossing pieces of junk, and one of them lands and hits the button.) \ | / \ | / \ | / \|/ ----O---- /|\ / | \ / | \ / | \ (PFWOOSH!) Hello, and welcome to THE DISCLAIMER!!! This essay was written by Peter W. Guerin. All characters, situations, and other things that you copyright mentioned are the intellectual properties of their creators and/or copyright holders. All Mystery Science Theatre 3000 characters and situations are the property of Best Brains Inc. Mystery Science Theatre 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson. All rights are reserved. Except the right to be sexy. That right is retained by everyone, especially Colin Powell. All practical jokes are funny until it happens to you. All the Pretty Horses is a movie I've never seen. All Billy Joel songs are awesome, except for the bonus tracks on Billy Joel's Greatest Hits Volume III. All your base are belong to us. And everybody say: "Yatta!" Starring: Trace Beaulieu as Crow/Dr. Clayton Forrestor Frank Conniff as TV's Frank Michael J. Nelson as Mike Nelson Jim Mallon as Gypsy Kevin Murphy as Tom Servo Special Guest Star: Billy Corgan as Himself Jimmy Smits Written By: Dalty Smilth (Head Writer) Tonberry King (Foot Writer) Rebo Valence (Hand Writer) Freezer (Nose Writer) Keith Palmer (Tail Writer) Special Thanks To: Matthew Blackwell: for all your advice and suggestions, many of which I ignored. Peter Guerin: for being such a good sport and not tracking me down and suing me. Stephen Ratliff: for... well... I just think we should all thank Ratliff at the end of our mistings, whether he was involved or not. God: for allowing me to continue to exist despite having many good reasons not to. Allen Greenspan: for making us all irrationally exuberant. Bruce Campbell: for being the hero for millions of nerds, geeks, and slackers such as myself. Billy Corgan: for... ah heck, just please don't eat me. Michael K. Neylon: for keeping the dream alive. Joel Hodgson and everyone at BBI: for teaching us that it's okay to poke fun at life. My friends and family who are too numerous to mention: you know what you did. I was there when you did it. You commies. Everyone in the whole @#$% universe: you are all special. Well, except all you evil people. Questions? Comments? Computer Viruses? Death Threats? Marriage Proposals? Direct these and anything else to the following address: dalty_smilth@hotmail.com > It is the brave few who do, and do so with courage.