Mystery Octagon Theater: Episode 204 Elmer Studios: Epilogue (?) "Neon Exodus Evangelion 1:9: Carry On Wayward Son" Original by Benjamin Hutchins and Larry Mann, for Eyrie Productions MiSTed by the the Daves I Know: transformed from the norm by some nuclear goop, the Black Snotling asleep when he's awake, Nicholas Eckert a man of means by no means, Alex Fauth the Crazy 89th, Gavok the blue bomber, James Howard the Fire-Eating Giant Monkey, Austin Loomis last survivor of the Inner Circle, Mark Poa Angel Trainee S.D. Ryukage and me, blasting off to Kicksville, Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde with special guest writer: the Burning Young Noble, Tim McLees ======================================================= DISCLAIMER With backup from Elmer Studios and Tim McLees, Mystery Octagon Theater has returned, this time, to assist with the MiSTing of the infamous "Neon Exodus Evangelion!" This finishes off the first nine-chapter arc of the story; the previous eight chapters can be found, MiSTed, at www.simplenet.com/svam. If you think you've read some OC fanfiction before, perhaps you should belly up to this bar, and order a tall cold draft of one Mr. DJ Croft. It'll cure what ails you, if "what ails you" is a decided lack of mental anguish. This MiSTing is rated "R" for language and should not be read by anyone. DISCLAIMER END CHAPTER 1 ========================================= [The scene - a well furnished apartment, with two couches in an L formation in front of a large cabinet that includes a wide-screen TV and video recorder. The apartment has a few doors to who-knows-where, and a small kitchenette. A coffee table sits in front of the two couches; a computer desk stands empty. There are packing crates stacked everywhere, labeled with felt-tip marker: MALLIES, COMPUTER PARTS, BATTLE NUN ARABELLA, etc. [The door opens, and three people come in. The first two--a short elven woman (SANDARA) wearing a green gown and holding a staff, and a taller human woman in jeans and an old Army surplus jacket, lugging a backpack (TIFFA)--come into the apartment and walk around. The third, a male human wearing jeans and a blue T-shirt under an ankle-length black leather duster (WANDERER [WAND]), stands by the door.] SANDARA: ...I just wanted to see it for myself. You know. TIFF: Sure. SANDARA: It's hard to believe that they're leaving. They've done so much here. TIFF: And most of it was even legal. SANDARA: Yes. Most. WAND: I hate to be a bother, but the sushi place's happy hour is over in thirty minutes. TIFF: Calm down. We'll be out of here before then. SANDARA: I'm sure we will. [sighs] TIFF: Have you heard what they'll do next? SANDARA: Rebecca's got some kind of TV contract. WAND: Oh, yeah, her. Doesn't she do that infomercial? SANDARA: Infomercial? WAND : You know, the one for the disposable vending-machine handguns? TIFF: Oh, yeah, that. I think it's her. SANDARA: It sounds like her. But Tsuneo's going back to Japan, Rick's concentrating on his comic career, and I think Dan's crawling under a rock somewhere. TIFF: We can only hope. SANDARA: Ah, well. I'm sure I'll see them again. I guess I just needed some kind of-- [There's a heavy crash from outside the apartment door.] SANDARA: --closure? TIFF: The hell? [Three heads poke into the room, one after another:] MMK: Hello... GAVOK: ...hello... TBS: ...hello... MMK, GAVOK, TBS: Hello! [They break up laughing.] GAVOK: I always wanted to do that! MMK: It is a classic. But careful now. Game faces on. It's time to do some business. TBS: You know, I actually went back at the-- MMK: Gavok? [GAVOK cracks TBS with a kendo stick.] TBS: Ow! MMK: Excellent. I take it that you're the real estate agent? SANDARA: No. MMK: Oh. Is there a real estate agent in the house? TIFF: No. MMK: This... will complicate things. TIFF: What are you *doing* here? MMK: Looking for a real estate agent. TIFF: Before that. MMK: Juggling hammers. GAVOK: Unsuccessfully. TIFF: What is your business in this apartment? SANDARA: Who are these people? TIFF: You know those crazy people that Rebecca was always talking about calling in for the B-Team? SANDARA: Tango? TIFF: The other crazy people. SANDARA: The evil alternate-universe Natasha? TIFF: No. WAND: Maybe you should be more specific, Tiff. [The LOONS swivel to face WAND.] WAND: Boo. TBS: Yipe! [TBS jumps into GAVOK's arms.] GAVOK: This is socially inconvenient. MMK: Anyway, the Disembodied Voice's lease ran out, and Rebecca was always trying to get me to come over here, so I thought I'd come by and check out the property. Sydney's not a bad town to run a production company out of. TIFF: They've been looking to find and kill you for two years. MMK: Show business is tricky. TIFF: You blew up half the city! MMK: Comedy is hard! WAND: ...did one of you turn on the TV? [The old television has turned on, showing the Eyrie Network (motto: "It's Not a Rerun If the Title's Different"). A sonorous, deep bass voice informs us that "Neon Exodus Evangelion 1:9" is coming up next, on ETV, followed by another episode of "Worcester By Night."] SANDARA: ...wow. TIFF: I'll bet that brings back memories. SANDARA: Yes, some of which I've paid dearly to suppress. WAND: I know how that can go. Isn't this-- MMK: --Hutchins. GAVOK: We meet again... for the first time. SANDARA: Tiff, would you mind...? TIFF: What, you want to watch this? SANDARA: Well, I saw most of the rest of it here, and this is the final episode of the first season. I know you and your friend wanted to go to the sushi place... TIFF: Oh, he's not my friend. He just owes me lunch. [WAND grumbles irritably.] TIFF: Sure, Sandara, if you want. I wasn't too hungry anyway. WAND: I'll order in, I guess. TBS: Ooh. Big robot. [The LOONS have crowded onto one of the couches, and are intently watching the famous NXE title sequence.] TIFF: You realize that they'll talk during it. SANDARA: I wouldn't have it any other way. ======== >/* Genesis "Land of Confusion" _Invisible Touch_ */ TBS : Oh, goody two-shoes, beddy-bye boze time again! MMK : I love the EIGHTIIIES! GAVOK: STRIKES BACK! > EYRIE PRODUCTIONS, UNLIMITED MMK: *So* self-congratulatory, it's-- TIFF: Oh no you don't. [A brief pause.] MMK: But-- TIFF : No! [A brief pause.] SANDARA: So self-congratulatory it's *what*? MMK: It's... EYRIE~! [TIFF sighs. There is a brief silence.] SANDARA : Oh! Heh heh. > presents GAVOK : Homestarrunner.net! *It's dot com*! TBS : Cut. > NEON EXODUS EVANGELION WAND: Leon Uris *hates* Arabs! > EXODUS 1:9 - CARRY ON WAYWARD SON GAVOK : Masquerading as a man with a reason, my charade is the event of the season... > Inspired by NEON GENESIS EVANGELION created by Hideaki Anno, > Gainax, et al. WAND: Wizard Magazine's BEST MECHA SHOW EVARRR! SANDARA: Oh, I don't know... TIFF: That's good. This gives us a better shot at recognizing how anybody was supposed to be characterized. > Most characters created by Hideaki Anno MMK: It's that Anno-esque thing, saying that it's Evangelion when it's actually Giant Robot Anime. > and Yoshiyuki Sadamoto except WAND: Wait for it... waaaaaait for it... > DJ Croft created by Benjamin D. Hutchins TBS: Through the exigency of boiling down a litre jug of Satan's spunk. > Jon Ellison created by Larry Mann and > Lara Croft created by WAND: --Mickey Millions, former world's richest boy, and Roy "Science Lad" Radium! > Toby Gard MMK: GARD CRUSHAAAA! [GAVOK brings out the kendo stick and whacks TBS, who pouts.] > Additional material and inspiration cadged from TOMB RAIDER by Core > Design, Ltd., TIFF: So there's gonna be block-pushing, switch-flipping, and Lara swan-diving onto broken glass about fifty times in a row? SANDARA: I don't think that's how you play Tomb Raider. TIFF: It's how *I* play Tomb Raider. WAND: Somewhere, Alan Quartermain and Indiana Jones are crying into their beers. > X-COM: UFO DEFENSE and sequels from MPS Labs (whoever > owns them nowadays), WAND: Let's see... Microprose got sold to Firaxis, who passed it off to Infogrames, who renamed themselves Atari, so... everybody *but* Microsoft. > THE X-FILES created by Chris Carter, and > 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY by Arthur C. Clarke SANDARA: And the cognitive dissonance? Why, that's public domain! > Written by Benjamin D. Hutchins and Larry Mann GAVOK : He's a real... a Real Mann's Mann! > Aided and abetted by the Eyrie Productions, Unlimited crew WAND: Or, as William Gaines would rightfully put it, the Usual Gang of Idiots. > and special-guest-for-life Phil Moyer TIFF: They've had Phil chained up in the basement since 1986. > (c) 1997 Eyrie Productions, Unlimited TBS: Usenet's largest producer of quality fanfiction from 1991! TIFF: Oh yes, the early days of "teh intarweb." GAVOK : Unlimited sounds better than Limited. It makes us sound more powerful. > SATURDAY > APRIL 1, 2000 MMK : The Y2K bug hits four months late! Surprise! TBS: GOODNIGHT everybody! WAND: You knock that shit off. MMK, TBS : Sorry. > Had there been any observers on the surface of the Moon, they > would have been able to see the flash at the Earth's South Pole. [The LOONS cover their eyes.] SANDARA: Minutes later they would have seen him in Brazil. That guy can *run*. [SANDARA notices the LOONS.] SANDARA : What's wrong with them? TIFF: Everything and then some. > At that distance there would have been no sound, TBS: ...because if there *was*, all involved would have had much bigger problems. TIFF: ...many of which would involve five well-known magical girls and a guy wearing a mask and tuxedo. > and the observers might have wondered what was going on down there. WAND : Oh, those Zeon boys are dropping their colonies again. GAVOK : You hate to see that happen. WAND : You do. You really do. > Those unfortunate enough to be at surface level, in contrast, > knew all too well what was going on - though they could not > understand its cause. TIFF: Lavos is *pissed*, y'all. > The science stations of Antarctica were all in ruins, torn > apart by violent shockwaves and blasts of energy. SANDARA: Second Impact. The greatest April Fool's joke... *ever*. > Most of the people who were there had already been killed, and > those few who were not dead knew that they would be soon. GAVOK : And the living will envy the crackheads. > Amid the howling winds, a lone figure stumbled haltingly > across the snow. TBS: MENDOZAAAAA! WAND: And now, it's a cameo from the splash page of Uncanny X-Men #114! [ALL applaud politely.] > Unlike the others who were still left, he did not > stare in paralyzed fear at the giant, howling monster which cast a > sickly golden glow over everything within miles, a glow which grew > brighter with each passing second. MMK: Another Buddhist protesting nuclear proliferation. TBS: It's tragic. > He did not have time to be afraid now; his time was running out, > and there was something he had to do before he died. GAVOK: For he, like so many others around the world, was a compulsive corpse-looter. > He spied the object he had been searching for: TBS: The last toilet for two thousand kilometres. > an emergency survival capsule, designed to protect a single person > from the most hostile of environments, SANDARA: ...like a college dorm. WAND: You mean the Wedge? SANDARA: Actually, they did that crossover last chapter. > capable in fact of withstanding the ravages > of the most powerful nuclear and N2 munitions in existence. SANDARA : Please, Mr. Burns, for the love of God, there are two seats! WAND : I like to put my feet up. > And now, the man reflected ruefully, it would be put to the > ultimate test. TBS: A press slam and running body splash. [GAVOK pounds his chest and snorts.] > Carefully shifting the precious cargo he carried in his arms, he > reached down and pulled the release handle on the pod's side. MMK : I... choose *you*... Snorlax... [MMK goes through the motions of dying.] > Instantly the dorsal hatch snapped open. WAND: And then Snorlax, carrying out his master's final wishes, rolled over and took a fucking nap. > Gingerly, he lowered his charge into the padded interior. TIFF : I'm sorry, Mr. Davies. I'm afraid you're going to have to live. > Sensing that she had been set down, the injured girl struggled > to open her eyes. GAVOK : Ow. TBS: Reminds me of those freaky dolls, that always closed their eyes when they lay down. TIFF: No it doesn't. TBS: Yeah, you're right. > Through a blurred haze of pain she looked up at the > shadowed form of the man, silhouetted starkly by the golden light > that grew still brighter behind him. SANDARA: ...as he pedaled his bicycle with the wrapped-up alien inside. > "... Daddy?" she said weakly. And then the hatch snapped > closed again, sealing tightly WAND: ...with no air... > and leaving her in darkness, TIFF: ...suffocating to death. MMK: Chibi-Misato! Vacuum-sealed and freshness-dated. > and there > was only the muted sound of the winds, and the creature. > The man looked silently down at the closed pod for a moment, MMK: ...and then cued up "Livin' La Vida Yoda." [*Ding*!] SANDARA: What the--?! GAVOK: Hey! No fair! He didn't even quote the lyrics! MMK: Special exceptions are made for me. TBS: You're on that new preferred customer plan? MMK: It costs a little extra, but hey. > and then fell to his knees, overwhelmed not by fear, but by sadness, > an unbearable sorrow that he would never see his beautiful little > girl grow to be a woman. TBS: And so Admiral Misumaru cried manly tears... no, actually they were quite pathetic, really. The perv. > "Misato..." he whispered as he fell against the pod, shielding > it as best he could. "I'm sorry... " WAND: You know, it never occurred to me before, but Misato and Superman have almost the same origin. > Then, for him, everything went white, and the horrible wailing > sound that had flooded Antarctica for hours ebbed away into an > even more terrible silence. SANDARA: Good. Australia was *this* close to calling the cops to shut them up. > In the churning Antarctic waters, the survival pod floated, > dented and battered but still in one piece. TBS: It was promptly swallowed by a particularly hungry whale. > The explosion had blown it into the air and catapulted it GAVOK: ...toward the Genesis planet. > out to sea like a shell from a howitzer. It had sailed through > the air for several kilometers before it came down again, TIFF : Wheeeeeeeeeeeee*ow*eeeeeeeeeee*oof*eeeeeeeee*ouch*eeeeeeeeeee! > landing in the warming waters with a terrific > splash, and finally righting itself. GAVOK: Marco! MMK: Polo! > Its sensors detecting that there was no longer any serious > danger from the outside environment, SANDARA Well, Antarctica just exploded... what the hell, let's go swimmin'! > the pod consented to its > occupant's request to open after it had stabilized. MMK : Can I go out *now*? GAVOK : Not until the bad radiation caused by the gigantic explosion goes home, dear. > Its emergency beacon activated as it did so. > Shakily, clutching the bleeding wound on her lower chest, > fourteen-year-old Misato Katsuragi got to her feet. SANDARA: Call her Ishmael. > Struggling to avoid toppling out of the pod and into the churning ocean, > she stared in mute shock at the epicenter of the explosion, now many > miles away, trying vainly to comprehend what had just happened. WAND : A calm, peaceful serenity called Arizona Bay. > From this vantage, it looked like two brilliant beams of > golden light were lancing up into the sky, slicing through a hole in > the dark clouds and disappearing above them. TBS: And then the two-headed wolf pops its heads out and howls, and the party gets the hell back to Rockaxe. > And through it all, the roaring of the winds, and the higher-pitched > howling noise above them, continued. GAVOK : Wow! That's one heck of a nurse! > Perhaps it was just as well that there were no observers in > orbit to see the full extent of what had happened, WAND: ...because we sure as hell don't need a Laguna flashback in here. TIFF: So, what, was Mir on the other side of the planet or something? SANDARA: Ignoring disasters is a proud Russian tradition. > for they would > surely have been terrified beyond capacity for rational thought. TBS : Well, I mean, except for the Silver Surfer. He did take a peek, right, but he just kind of rolled his eyes and flew off. > The twin columns of light Misato could see spread out as they > towered above the clouds, diverging and branching, and taking > on the distinct shape of four giant wings. GAVOK: It's a Squaresoft final boss, and it's pissed! SANDARA: Didn't I see this in Rahxephon? WAND: Same thing. > Wings which stretched miles into space, > eclipsed from any surface view by the massive glowing disk of red > and yellow death which had engulfed Antarctica and spread out to > touch the capes of the southern continents. WAND: Hey, she found the Yashichi. Cool. > It was almost as if a giant ethereal damselfly had lighted on > the planet and created a huge tidal ripple in its wake. SANDARA: As though a million strained metaphors cried out at once... and were suddenly silenced. > Indeed, in a matter of minutes the effect of that ripple would > begin to make itself known all over the planet. GAVOK : Hey! How you doin', I'm the ripple, just dropping by to say hi, I figure -- hi! How are you, I'm the ripple, new here, just thought I'd... > For mankind, nothing would ever be the same again. MMK: For one thing, cartographers were suddenly in demand again. > That went double for Misato Katsuragi. TBS: Misato Katsuragi is *twice* the man anybody else is! TIFF: I... what? WAND : Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop drinkin'. > MONDAY > SEPTEMBER 7, 2015 SANDARA: Last time on Evangelion...! GAVOK : Ate lunch today. Had a tasteless salad. Go me! MMK : Still not king. > The gentle pattering of rain outside the apartment was the > only sound to be heard apart from the soft swishing of fabrics as > Misato selected the day's clothes and got dressed, TBS : Early in the morning, rising from the street, light me up that cigarette and I strap shoes on my feet... > silently hooking the front clasp on her bra together. TIFF: And all that with only *two* hands, folks! > She paused for a moment, looking > at herself in the mirror - SANDARA : *Ugh*, man, that's one gruesome zit. > at the large scar which dominated her lower > chest, following the curve of her rib cage upward, its uppermost > edge just touching the underside of her left breast. WAND: Until she gets her heart back, she can't rhyme. > The memory of how she'd gotten that scar washed through her mind, > forever etched into place, like the scar itself. GAVOK: Cue flashback of Ryu using the Shoryuken on Misato on one fateful, stormy night! WAND: If only she'd mastered her Ler Drit technique... > So many people said that the Second Impact had marked them > forever that it was almost a cliche. MMK: It sure marked me. TBS: Ibuki was *such* a cheap whore. > Few could mean it as literally > as Misato Katsuragi, who, in one of those ironies with which history > is replete, never said it. TBS: But she did say "Gee, willikers, Macho dude!" a lot for some reason. > This morning, Misato had no more time for memory. TIFF: So she left a lot of programs running. > She finished dressing quietly, retrieving her silver pendant and > rank insignia from the dresser. [The LOONS wave their hands in front of their noses at the mention of the insignia.] > She paused again to regard the shiny new pins, GAVOK : Ooh... sparkly... > denoting her new rank. > Major Misato Katsuragi. WAND: Because she *is* the very model of a modern Major Katsuragi. > Greater rank. Greater responsibility. Greater power. TIFF: And somewhere, Peter Parker is shaking his head. TBS : That's *not* how you say it. > And one step closer to finding out what -really- happened. MMK: Jake Singer never left Vietnam. WAND: Killer Bob possesses Agent Cooper when he leaves the Black Lodge. TBS: The Elevator Killer was Marv Albert. > She sighed. SANDARA : Le Sigh. > If it was this lonely so far from the top, she figured she > didn't particularly want to get any higher up the pyramid. TIFF: Then let *me* at that ten thousand dollars. > When the hell is DJ going to get back? GAVOK: After he beats Fei Long with a Max Out and then sticks both his hands down his pants. MMK: I smell a cutscene... *ZWEEE!* SANDARA : Don't switch to the split-screen. Don't switch to the split-screen... > It would be nice, at this point, to say that DJ was presently > thinking of Misato and wondering when he was going to get to go back > to Worcester-3. Sadly, to do so would be to lie, for DJ was at that > very moment walking happily round London, a city he considered he > saw far too infrequently. SANDARA: The feeling was not, however, mutual. MMK : Now *why* did we let him out of that box? > At present, in fact, he was standing before the > gates of Buckingham Palace, surveying its imposing bulk MMK: Rising above the city, blocking out the noonday sun... > and the two impassive guards who stood at either side of those gates. WAND: Then he spent half an hour making faces at them. GAVOK: Didn't I see this in "Shanghai Knights"? > The legendary impassiveness of those guards was all well and > good, but DJ found himself wishing there was somebody on duty out > here who was allowed to answer the odd question. TBS : Because I've some *very* odd questions I want to ask them. SANDARA: "Full House goes to England" maybe...? > Shrugging, he walked round the palace to the side entrance that > was sometimes used for tour groups, TIFF: THRILL to DJ deigning to use... the SERVANTS' ENTRANCE! > and inquired of the impeccably dressed gentleman on duty there. GAVOK: You can tell he's important, for he has a flashy uniform! SANDARA: DJ's on a Fetch Quest, the poor bastard. > "I'm sorry, sir, there are no more tours today," said that > gentleman, looking genuinely apologetic. > "Mm... pity," said DJ. TIFF : I didn't *want* to shoot my way in, but... > Then, shrugging, he dug into his pocket, handed the man a calling > card, and said in a cheery, offhanded tone, "Well, if you see the > King, give him my card, will you?" MMK : I'm sorry, sir, there are no more tours today. TIFF : Aw, damn it. An NPC. > The apologetic man in the suit looked slightly annoyed, until > he actually looked at the card. WAND : "Breast Inspector"? > Then he blinked, looked back up, and said rapidly, "Please wait > right there, sir. I'll be right back." So saying, he vanished MMK: BUTLER... VANISH! [The LOONS are enveloped by a cloud of smoke. When it clears, all three are covering their eyes.] GAVOK: They'll never find us here. TBS: Hee hee. I love this trick. > into the palace with the card. > DJ was mildly taken aback by this; SANDARA: Whoa, that must've been a helluva Bluff check. GAVOK : Waaait... is that the card that says "kill the bearer?" > after all, he'd meant it as a joke. GAVOK : Oh, crap, it *is* the card that says "kill the bearer." > He was still further taken aback when the same suited > gentleman appeared a few minutes later, looking somewhat out of > breath, and announced, WAND : Fucking *stairs*! [WAND gasps for breath.] > "Will you please come this way, Mr. Croft. His Majesty King > Stephen would like a word." TBS : Oh? Which word? GAVOK : Tak! > DJ blinked. "Are... are you pulling my leg?" > "Absolutely not, sir. SANDARA : I'd be loathe to touch any part of you, sir. > Please, come this way." TBS : If I came that way, I'd go blind. [TIFF glares at him.] TBS: *Someone* had to say it! TIFF: No. They did *not*. > DJ shrugged and followed the man inside. He'd never had an > audience with this particular king before, WAND: He has met the King in Yellow before, though. > and as he followed the > suited fellow down corridors and through vaulted rooms, SANDARA: ...and out the *back* entrance... > he entertained fanciful notions of what it would be like. TBS : Crumpets! Yay! > Would there be, he wondered, a throne room, with carpets and > draperies and perhaps a couple of trumpeters, and a chamberlain? > Would the King be dressed in sable and ermine, and wear a crown? SANDARA: Did he learn everything he knows about modern royalty from playing Dragon Warrior? > No, he thought not... the crown and such were, if memory served, > still locked away in the Tower. WAND : Sorry! But our crown is in another castle! > He had to confess to a woefully inadequate knowledge of such > affairs; DJ knew more about the habits and rituals of royalty in > ancient cultures than his own homeland. MMK : Like, I can be pretty sure King Big Steve won't be wearing a double crown. > As it happened, the room he was shown into was a comfortable > study, and the royal personage looking rather casual. TIFF: The monarchy has a Casual Fridays policy. SANDARA: That explains the Ozzy t-shirt. > He rose from an overstuffed armchair GAVOK: Probably deep-dish, too. > as the man in the suit led his rather bewildered charge in, > smiling in greeting. > King Stephen II, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and > Ireland, WAND: I'm feeling a strange genetic imperative to throw a grenade at him. TBS: Erin go bragh, muthafuckaaaa! > was a tall and powerfully built man, GAVOK : He's a hoss, King. > handsome in a craggy kind of way, with a mop of curly brown hair > that could not but be unruly and a ready smile. TIFF: ...Hagrid? GAVOK: No, ye gods, it's Harry Knowles! ALL OTHERS: GYAH! > He was in his shirtsleeves, TBS: Where the *rest* of the shirt went is anybody's guess. > his school tie loosened, the jacket of his blue serge suit hanging > on a peg to the side of one of the room's many bookshelves. WAND: Next to his robo arm. MMK: And a video marked, "Lucca Libre." > DJ thought he looked more like a successful craftsman, perhaps a > carpenter or architect, than a ruler. GAVOK: Meet another proud graduate of the Lamar Alexander school of politics. SANDARA : I'm *close to the people*! Can you tell?! > "Ah! Mr. Croft, welcome," said Stephen, WAND : You have a nasty habit of surviving. > extending a hand to take DJ's own in a firm handshake. "Sit down, > sit down. May I offer you a drink?" > "No thank you," DJ replied, seating himself in the chair > opposite the King's as Stephen resumed his own. WAND: "They sat down." > "What with one thing and another, I haven't had my lunch yet, > so it'd go straight to my head." TBS: Which is already so swollen it's a danger to low-flying aircraft. > Stephen chuckled. "Quite so. I say... I'm afraid I'm a bit > of a muddle right now. MMK : I only work on those whose level is a multiple of three. > I've been wanting to meet you for some time, SANDARA: Oh look. Another DJ Fan. What a surprise. > but I'd no idea you were going to turn up on my doorstep, so to > speak. TIFF : It was a shame that your lowborn mother couldn't tell the difference between a palace and an orphanage. > I've just been preparing my notes for a monograph on the > ancient Briton tombs at Sunderbury." TBS: Which is roughly midway between Chudley and Puddlemere. > DJ, his interest spurred, forgot all about the status of the > man he was sitting opposite and leaned forward. "Briton tombs at > Sunderbury, when did that happen? I'd not heard anything of it." SANDARA : That's because they're under a few billion gallons of *water*, what with *Second Impact* and all. > "Sir Edmund Barnstable found them last month," replied Stephen. WAND : He had to do a *lot* of swimming. > "Remarkable find, too - best-preserved of any such yet found." > "I've been too far out of touch," DJ observed ruefully. MMK : And out of time. But I'm out of my head when you're not around. > "I say!" Stephen declared. "I'd clean forgotten that you were > of -that- Croft line. WAND : And here I was thinking you were related to Seals and Crofts. Bally foolish of me really. > It was your mother's early works that got me > interested in antiquity to begin with!" TBS: Lara's not *that* old. TIFF: Quit while you're ahead, short stuff. > Stephen rang a small bell, > and a servant appeared. SANDARA: And started salivating. > "Melville, be a dear and order up some lunch > for me and my guest, would you? Any preferences, Mr. Croft? I've a > craving for pizza, myself." WAND: Mmm. Boiled pizza with corn, raisins, and purple onions. > DJ's plans to wander London for the rest of the day were > forgotten, as Stephen canceled all his afternoon appointments TIFF: --which incidentally, led to a pissed group of Arab trade delegates and some South American dignitaries looking stupid in full regalia after a cancelled luncheon. SANDARA: But DJ got pizza! TIFF: Oh, right. So they aren't pissed. > and the two talked long into the evening on subjects ranging from > antiquities to the Evangelion project MMK: ...which was not a top-secret project run by a shadowy organization in this universe, no sirree. > to their respective thoughts on the future of mankind, TBS : ...and then we all fly off into space in a university dorm! And I build this neat battlesuit and fight ICZER-2 and... > with a side trip into how Stephen found himself monarch of > the United Kingdom in the first place. SANDARA : "Sears" had a sale. > "The Second Impact happens," Stephen explained, TBS : Much like shit, you see. > "and the royal family, at least all those that anyone's ever heard > of, get wiped out en masse. WAND : How convenient for me. > Given the increasingly anti-royalty tenor of public opinion > before the Impact, you'd think the British people would dust their > hands and say There, now we can get on being a proper socialist > republic, yes? GAVOK : Ah-he-he-*hem*. TBS : Or democracy! That's good too! > That's what I thought, at the time." Stephen thumped > a fist reflectively on the arm of his chair. "But, by God, I was > wrong! No, in the wake of this disaster there's a huge groundswell > of public support for the monarchy! And not just as an institution, > mind you - as a real political power! MMK: Which is funny, because they sure *weren't* by the time this happened. Go figure. > The people rise up in droves and -demand- a king, a king with > powers! WAND: Unfortunately, the Shining Knight was nowhere to be found. TIFF: It's too expensive to ship Leoric over from New Valerak. GAVOK: Well, they could always call in a high school football team whose members have names that are similar to King Arthur's knights, imbue them with mystical powers they can summon from their chests, and have them take over. > Not an absolute monarch, no, but one who can actually do things, TIFF: He can command incredible loyalty from his troops with his sheer presence! He can fight ninjas to a standstill! He can soak bullets like a wet sponge! He can kill people by throwing snakes at them! > not just a figurehead like poor old Elizabeth. So Parliament have > to spend days and days looking for anyone living who might have had > some connection to the royal family, and by and by they unearth... GAVOK: John Goodman. Yeah, I remember that movie. > me. Stephen the Second, MMK: --the *FUTURE SOUND OF TECHNO!* > the Accidental Boy-King." > "Oh yes?" TIFF : Right. It does sound like bullshit, doesn't it? > "Oh yes. I was fifteen years old at the time - not very much > older than you, I fancy? Quite so - MMK : Pip-pip, cheerio, spot of tea, I'm quite British indeed and all that. [A pause.] MMK : Guv'nuh. SANDARA: Good *grief*... > and wanted nothing more than to be a champion footballer, or >perhaps an archaeologist. TBS : Or a Beater for Tutshill. > And along comes this fellow from the House of Lords with the full > weight of English public opinion behind him - SANDARA: This is the parliamentary house they're trying to abolish, mind you. > You Must Be King. Even the bloody > Irish wanted me to be king, God alone knows why! WAND: They weren't used to not having anybody to hate. > I couldn't very well turn them down, so... well, here I am." > DJ chuckled. "Sounds almost like the way I got involved with NERV." > Stephen nodded, that subject having been covered earlier. SANDARA: I hope Gendo at least has a *funny* aneurysm. > "I'm surprised you didn't carry out your threat to take the matter > to the Foreign Office." > DJ shrugged. "Ikari's high-handed manner aside, GAVOK : ...Ralf and Clark are pretty good guys. > I realized not far into it that I really was needed there... I > just hope the judge sees it that way tomorrow." TBS : So who's presiding? GAVOK : Judge "Ab-a-licious" Joe Higashi, ladies' man extroadinare. TBS : Oh yeah, you're toast. > Stephen smiled. "I've been thinking about that - if you don't > mind an old man's meddling, I think I might have an idea how we can > simplify your day a bit... " TIFF : Did you notice your tea's faint aftertaste of almonds...? > TUESDAY WAND: Pay up, Wimpy. > > "Hey, Hal," said Asuka, plopping down on DJ's bed. > "Yes, Asuka?" replied Hal. MMK : FAAAAAAAAART~! [TIFF shakes her head.] > "Show me DJ's journal." [A buzzer sounds. Three red boxes with x's in them appear on the screen.] GAVOK : Nope, not up there. Can you folks steal? [ALL shout various suggestions to WAND. TIFF is seen slapping TBS, likely due to the suggestion, "Kama Sutra." A buzzer is heard twice.] GAVOK : I need an answer. WAND: How about... the Necronomicon? [ALL applaud and cheer.] GAVOK : It could be up there; let's see. Show me the Necronomicon! [Dinging is heard. ALL jump up and down for a bit, then sit down.] > "I'm sorry, Asuka," said Hal with a trace of reproof in his > voice. "You know I can't do that." TBS : Like, duh. > "Oh, c'mon, don't be such a killjoy. GAVOK : I'm not a monster, I'm a friend who raves and drools. > I just want to see what he's got in there about me. WAND : Okay. He says you're an untrustworthy snoop. TIFF : What? How *dare* he! > I don't particularly care about his sordid fantasies about Ayanami." TBS : You do so. SANDARA : Okay, you got me. > "DJ's journal is in my protected filespace," Hal explained > patiently for the nth time. "It cannot be accessed by anyone without > full administrative access privileges." > "Well, then, give me full administrative access privileges." WAND : I'm afraid I can't do that, Asuka. > "Only a user with full administrative access privileges can > do that." > "You don't have full administrative access to your own > systems?" > "I am not a user," Hal replied. TBS : I mean, if I don't have a User, who *wrote* me? GAVOK : That's what you're doing here. > "Isn't there -anything- juicy you can let me see?" TBS : Well, there's fifty gigabytes of porn you might like. SANDARA : And thirty gigabytes you wouldn't. > Hal considered for a millisecond, drew it out into two seconds > to make it clear to Asuka that he'd had to think about it, and then > replied, "There -is- one file in the general-access file system you > might be interested in. WAND : Running "Evangelion--Human Instrumentality Project.ram" now. TIFF : ...there is no God. > It's a poem; I believe DJ wrote it with you > in mind. Would you like to hear it?" MMK : Roses are red, violets are blue, this fic sucks and so do you. The end. > A poem about me? thought Asuka. Oh, my. TIFF : I had better go clean the kitchen. > It's probably really sappy. I can get some definite mileage out of > -this- when Croft gets back. > "Sure, Hal. I'd love to hear it." SANDARA : I'm afraid I'll remind you of that later, Asuka. > "Very well." Hal paused for a moment, then read the poem out > in his calm, precise, metered voice. WAND : Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah, chillin' on the corner this one time-- > "Sonnet Eighteen, by Derek J. Croft. TIFF : "Fifteen people I would like to kill." MMK: Its final title was "Shakespeare Ain't Nuttin' But A Bitch." > "Shall I compare thee to a neutron star? > Thou art more hostile and almost as dense: > Rough words from thee most plentiful by far, > And often they just plain fail to make sense: TBS : Break it down! > Sometime too hot thy temper cannot quell, > And often dost thou spew unreas'ning hate; WAND: Insert Rush Limbaugh joke... *here*. > In all thy supernovas I catch hell, > And can but duck and hope it doth abate; > But thy acidic tongue shall not relent, > Nor lose possession of thy poison wit; > Nor shall even Death slow the torrent, > For thou shall hassle me 'til Time doth quit: > So long as men can breathe or eyes can see, > So long will I be sore annoyed by thee." GAVOK : *OH* ho ho ho ho ho *ho*! How witty that Croft gent *is*! Good show! WAND: Well, Dickinson and Browning are in no danger of being bumped out of English Lit 101. TIFF: Unless Joyce Carol Oates makes them stand out in the hall, anyway. TBS: Avast! > Asuka glowered at the dispassionate red lens of the computer's > "eye", then turned and stalked from the room without a word. > "You're welcome," said Hal calmly to the empty room. GAVOK : Snausages. WAND : I will relay your opinions to Mr. Addison. > Three thousand or so miles and five hours away, the boy in > question was cooling his heels in a courtroom, SANDARA: ...his freedom in the hands of one Jack McCoy. > bored but working hard not to show it. TIFF: Now he knows how *we* feel. GAVOK: Workin' hard, or hardly workin'? [GAVOK holds up a cardboard sign reading "Hello."] MMK: Are you gonna eat that doughnut? [MMK holds up a cardboard sign reading "Are you gonna eat that doughnut?"] > Fortunately, since this was a family court and not a > criminal matter, the court personnel involved didn't have to wear > robes and wigs and address each other with excrucuatingly lengthy > titles, as was still the case in Britain's criminal courts. TBS: I call Her Majesty's Royal Inspector of Anatomy! [TIFF gives him a warning look.] TBS: What? It's an actual position! TIFF: Shut up. TBS: No, *really*! > One referred to the judge as "your honor". WAND: As opposed to "Yo, she-bitch!" > There was no dock, SANDARA: This made fishing difficult. > no My Learned Colleague From Swindondale, and, most welcomely, no > gallery - only the contesting parties, their solicitors, the > presiding judge, MMK: The infamous Curval. > the court reporter and a bailiff. > True to the plan he'd described to Rei, DJ had trumped his > grandfather's attempt to wrest his custody from his mother by > petitioning for emancipation. GAVOK : Haven't you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation? TBS : I don't listen to hip-hop. > As such, he had spent the last several hours listening to Raymond > Barry, his solicitor, TBS: ...ask for money repeatedly. > read depositions taken by telephone from various personnel at NERV, SANDARA : Derek J. *who*? TIFF : I invented the hippo! > describing his self-sufficiency, independence, responsibilities, > and so forth. WAND : Yes, yes, he's all that and a bag of crisps, now will you *please* get out of my hair so I can forget the egregious little snot exists and let the unending torrent of rage that I call "being awake" simmer down to a mere powder keg of fury? > It brought a smile to his face - even Ritsuko had only positive > things to say about his ability to care for himself. MMK: Interview by gunpoint has those kinds of results, you see. > His living arrangements in America raised a few eyebrows when > it was brought up, WAND : You see, cohabiting with goats is *legal* there, and-- > and he was anticipating a lengthy cross-examination > from Sir Henshingly's solicitor, TBS: Who would ask him for money until he caved. > the Honorable Franklin J. Dabney-Post, TIFF: You misspelled "Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith." Hope this helps. SANDARA: "Honorable," pfft. That paper's a rag and everyone knows it. > on his relationship with Misato, when he finally took > the stand. MMK, GAVOK, TBS : Hey, Mrs. Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you will know... > Not that it was anything he couldn't handle. > Lara and her solicitor TBS: Oliver St. John Mollusc. He only takes quarters. > were present, even though she had > refused to contest his petition. This represented a gamble on both > their parts - with that legal tie effectively severed, if his > emancipation bid failed, SANDARA: He'd have to join the circus. > he would almost certainly be sent to the > custody of his grandfather. But then, calculated gambles were > something that mother and son both had experience and skill with. TIFF: Like trying to breast-feed an infant when your tits come to a sharp point. WAND: Like letting Marc Silvestri draw you. > Sir Henshingly's solicitor, MMK: Gervase Raoul Brooke-Turnip. TBS: Who wears a sign saying "spare change" around his neck so he doesn't have to keep saying it. > as befit a man with a minor peerage of his own and a lifelong > connection to the family of a man as noted as his employer, was > suitably snide about Lara's severance from the Croft legacy in > his remarks. SANDARA : I *told* him working for Eidos was a good career move, but *would* he listen? WAND : Do you want to be typecast? Do you have to be the female Bela Lugosi? > Why, he inquired, would any sane young man abandon > the chance to reclaim his grandfather's patronage and continue > the family line honorably? GAVOK : The defense calls Eva-01 to the stand. TBS : I'M GOING TO NEED A BIGGER BIBLE. MMK : ...eep. > Against this, Raymond Barry's counterargument - that DJ felt no > particular need for the patronage of -anyone- in the peerage, not > least his estranged grandfather - TIFF : He's cranky, he's hairy and he smells like urine! > appeared not to impress the Honorable Judge Robert Shield much. SANDARA : So you don't feel the need to live with Grandpa! TIFF : That don't impress-a me much! WAND: Yeah, funny how he's not willing to suspend _in loco parentis_ just 'cause you're asking real nice. > But then, DJ hadn't played his second trump card yet. TIFF: Blackmail? SANDARA: Bribery? TBS: The Aura of Smooth? WAND: The pound of gelginite in the gavel stand? > Sir Henshingly took the stand first. He expounded at length > his grief over the waywardness of his daughter, TBS : I raised an *Avenger*, dammit, an *Avenger*! > his only child, TIFF: It's amazing what a nude hack does to your relationship with your father. > and gave impassioned voice to his hope that his grandson would see > the light and come to live a proper English life. WAND : My counterpoint takes the form of three seasons of "Eastenders." MMK : That *cannot* be legal. TBS : That woman is hitting her husband with her baby. It looks sad. > "It is late in life for him to learn to be a gentleman," said > Sir Henshingly movingly, "but, I pray, not -too- late." TBS: Yoda might have something to say about that. TIFF: I hate to burst your bubble, Sir Henshingly, but... > DJ believed, with some justification, that he showed great > restraint in not snorting derisively at this. > When the time came for DJ to take the stand, he rose, > straightened his jacket and cuffs impassively, and strode to the > stand: assured, confident, but not insolent. [ALL suddenly develop signs of sore throats. Coughs, scoffs, and "ahem"'s resound.] > "Please state your full name for the record," said the court > reporter. > "Derek J. Croft, first Viscount Crofthenge," DJ replied > casually. GAVOK : International Man of Mystery. TBS : Lover of Fine Wines. MMK : Second Place, Worchester Elementary School 1985 Spelling Bee. GAVOK : Captain of the Thigh-tanic. TBS : Agreed Upon by Four out of Five Dentists. MMK : Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law. GAVOK : Junior Ambassador to Mushroom Land. TBS : Her Majesty's Royal Inspector of Anatomy. MMK : Legend of the Mystical Ninja. GAVOK : Raised by a Cup of Coffee. TBS : The Pride of the Peaches. MMK : Faker of the Funk on a Nasty Dog. GAVOK : Therapist to the Stars. TBS : General Manager of the Chico Heat. MMK : King of the Wild Frontier. GAVOK : Cerebral Assassin. TBS : Three-time Recipient of a Sex Change. MMK : Last Known New Kids on the Block Fan. GAVOK : Esquire. [A pause.] WAND : I said *full* name, fuckwit. That was most clearly an initial. GAVOK : Oh. Sorry. [GAVOK clears his throat.] GAVOK : Derek *Jay* Croft, first Viscount Crofthenge, International Man of-- WAND : You know what? Let's just move on. > Sir Henshingly and the Honorable Franklin J. Dabney-Post both > dropped their pens in unison, staring at the boy. TIFF : English... breeding... stifling... range of displayable emotion... > Unable to contain his surprise, Sir Henshingly burst out, TBS : BULLSHIT! > "By thunder, boy! When did -that- happen?" > DJ smiled quietly. "Why, just yesterday, Sir Henshingly, on > my visit to Buckingham. His Majesty feels that my involvement with > NERV constitutes... how did he put it? TIFF: 'A complete failure of the screening process?' > 'Valorous defence of the United Kingdom, the Commonwealth > and the entire human race against enemies beyond imagining.' MMK: So he's going to kick Unicron's ass now. > Turns a wonderful phrase, does His > Majesty," DJ digressed, then continued modestly, WAND: When I think of modesty, I think of three names--Jesus, Gandhi-- TBS: [interrupts] DJ? WAND: I was going to say "Grignr," actually, but that'll work. > "At any rate, he seemed to feel that such service warrants a > small peerage by fiat, and who am I to gainsay King Stephen?" TIFF: The same person you are to gainsay anyone *else* in this fustercluck. Duh! > "Please, gentlemen," said the Honorable Judge Shield, already > sounding tired of the whole matter. "My courtroom is not the > place for outbursts." SANDARA: No Judge Judy here. > "I beg your pardon, Your Honor," said DJ. "Won't happen again." TBS: I believe you, I *don't* think. > Chagrined that DJ had gotten his apology in first, Sir Henshingly > bowed his head and apologized as well, then glanced at the > Honorable Mr. Dabney-Post. > It was a short hearing. WAND: Particularly when the bomb went off... SANDARA: We can dream, can't we? > WEDNESDAY > > DJ smiled to himself, listening to the final boarding call for > his ship from Southampton. He stood up, shouldering his bag, and > turned to say goodbye to his mother. > "Well, s'long for now, Mum," he said. "Sure you don't want to > come with me?" [TIFF gives TBS a glare.] TBS: Not a lemon. Not a lemon. I know. I know. TIFF: Good boy. > Lara smiled, but shook her head. "I'd just get in the way. WAND : You know how bad my collision detection is, honey. > Anyway, the mysteries and treasures of the ancient world await." TIFF : Plus, I need to get fitted for my binding silver unitard. > The explorer drew her son into a tight embrace, TBS: ...smothering him... > kissed him, and admonished him softly, MMK : May my Hugo walk with the divine protection of the spirits. > "Be careful." > "Always, in all things," he replied with a wink. SANDARA: Which is, of course, why he spends so much time taunting the leader of an international black-ops organization. > "You're going to keep digging into what's really going on over > there, aren't you," she said. MMK : Actually, I'll probably sit here and be irrelevantly pithy for maybe six more chapters. GAVOK : Never change, sweetie. > It wasn't a question, but he answered it anyway. > "'Course," said DJ. "I'd never forgive myself if I gave it up > now. Don't worry, though... I -can- be discreet when the need is > there." SANDARA: You can? > Lara smiled. "I'm proud of you... Lord Crofthenge." > "Thank you," DJ replied, seeming to expand a bit. GAVOK : Whoops. There I go. TIFF : I'll deflate him. > Then, in observance of an old tradition, he asked, "May I?" TBS : For the last time, *no*! You're my *son*! God, I'm never letting you read manga on the internet again. > Lara Croft ruffled her son's hair. "Carry on, my wayward > son," she replied. MMK : Though my eyes could see, I still was a blind man / Though my mind could think, I still was a madman... > Though the parting gave both of them pause, mother and son > both left the seaport happy, in their own way. SANDARA: It's always a bittersweet moment when Mom sends you out to investigate your first international conspiracy. TBS: They have to leave the nest sometime. > DJ found it somewhat ironic that he was making his way back to > America in the Ismay Suite of the Royal Mail Steamship 'Titanic', GAVOK: I thought it was bad luck to name new ships after ships that sank. MMK: The only law that supercedes the code of the sailor is the Law of Gratuitous Irony. > pride of the White Star Line. WAND: Keep swingin' the Hammer o' Foreshadowing, Hutchins! > Not in a bad way; just ironic. GAVOK: Yeah, we're talking ten thousand spoons here, all right. > FRIDAY TBS: What? Thursday! > "Another morning, another pile of paperwork." TIFF: It's not that big, Misato. You're just seeing double. TBS : Oh yeah. *hic* > Misato entered her office, sat down at her desk, and regarded > her inbox glumly. TIFF : No new messages. *Again*. I'm so lonely. > The good news was that all had been quiet since > the Kilauea operation - no new attacks, no Angel sightings, no more > seismic anomalies, nothing. SANDARA: I didn't realise NERV doubles as an earthquake research institute. MMK: Turns out there aren't that many EVA spin-off techs to patent. GAVOK: Unless you count Velcro. I don't. > The bad news was that this breathing > room gave the bureaucracy a chance to catch its breath and dump upon > Misato's desk all the paperwork that had been deferred for the > duration of various crises. WAND: The Crisis on Earths-One and -Two, the Crisis *between* Earths- One and -Two, the Crisis on Earth-Three, the Crisis on Earth-X, the Crisis in the 30th Century... but in the Crisis on Infinite Earths, it all came home to roost. > She shuffled through the forms, looking for something that > looked low-impact to start off with. TIFF : "In sunken R'lyeh dread Cthulhu--" Okay, *not* this. > Post-dated materials requisitions for the equipment used in > the Kilauea operation? Pass. > After-action reports for same? Thank you, no. SANDARA : Monthly bribe cheque? Yes, please! > Damage claim from the USGS for the destroyed magma probe? Oh > yeah... I did say we'd pay for that, didn't I... WAND : Man, how drunk *was* I? > not now. > As she thumbed through the sheaf, an envelope fell out and > landed on her desk blotter. MMK : Why's it been taped shut six times and has that many names crossed out in black vivid? > "Hello, what's this?" she wondered, tossing the files back > into her inbox and picking up the envelope. It was one of the long > sorts, edged in green and black striping - a faxmail envelope. TIFF: Even the *faxes* have been future-proofed? WAND: The entire city goes underground on a semi-regular basis. Why not. > The resurgent popularity of ocean liner travel had, in large > part, resulted in the faxmail phenomenon. MMK: It's sweeping the nation! Like talking backwards, it's the new sensation! > People wanted to be able > to stay in touch with friends, loved ones, and business associates > while at sea, and printed communication had come back into vogue > with the contraction of human culture after the Second Impact > population crash. TBS: All the good work of the baby boom, undone, just like that. > Still, not everyone had fax machines. WAND: So demand increased so much that manufacturers developed cheaper methods of production to ensure they met supply. > The answer was faxmail service WAND: Or they could do that, I suppose. >- you wrote your letter aboard ship, transmitted it to a > shoreside faxmail station, and they printed it out, stuck it in an > envelope and mailed it to your party, special delivery. TBS: Then MC Frontalot raps at them about the current state of world affairs. > It had a > permanence lacked by email and a certain cachet entirely lacked by > telephone calls, and though it was completely inefficient and really > rather silly, it had become immensely popular. TIFF: ...I see that direct meteor strikes on the polar ice cap make everyone *stupid*. > Misato slit the end of the envelope with a pocket knife, > unfolded the printout within, and read. WAND : "724 Broome and Park Street." I thought that part was supposed to go on the *outside* of the envelope. [TBS mimes slipping the letter away from WAND and reading it.] WAND : Ooookay... maybe the envelope was on the floor all along and we just didn't notice, or it fell off a cupboard... look, it's *not* a ghost. > --- MARCONIGRAM (r) SHIP-TO-SHORE FACSIMILE TRANSMISSION --- MMK : Ship to shore, can you read me anymore? > RMS TITANIC WAND: A Dirk Pitt novel. > North Atlantic Westward Traderoute > Wednesday, September 9, 2015 > > My dear Misato, SANDARA : Giant bloody iceberg coming right at me stop isn't all that funny after all stop tell Pen-Pen I loved him stop. > Traveling aboard the Titanic is even odder than my trip out here > aboard the Olympic... both, as far as the sections of the ship > passengers are allowed to see, are very faithful reproductions of > the originals, and the originals were different enough ships that > being on the Olympic didn't bring back the same sense of deja vu. TBS : This one didn't crash again. Go figure. > Granted, the last time I was aboard a ship named Titanic I was > wearing an armoured Jim suit and wading through rust up to my > ankles. I have to admit I like the accommodations here rather > better. GAVOK : Being keelhauled is actually rather pleasant. > No torrid shipboard romances with any impressionable young Irish > colleens on their way to the New World to report, I'm afraid. TIFF : Big surly sailor men, on the other hand... > I don't think the Irish are going to forgive us for that whole Home > Rule thing anytime soon (not that I blame them). SANDARA : The Kenyans aren't being too friendly either, come to think of it. Funny, that. > Most of my time has been spent in the first-class library, > catching up on twentieth-century history. > What a tangled bloody era! GAVOK: ...we weave, when first we practice to... um... > I have to agree with Mum - if any period in > human history deserved a punch in the mouth like the Second Impact, WAND: 1930s Germany! TIFF: 1950s America! MMK: South Africa, period! TBS: When it gets to 2000, sell! > it was the 1990s. WAND: ...huh? TIFF: I guess he really didn't like NAFTA or something. GAVOK : Wow, Rolling Stone really sucked by this point. > I've one more or less constant companion here in the library - an > old German fellow, some kind of count or baron or some such, TBS: It's a cameo appearance from Count Wilhelm von Notamadscientist. GAVOK : Ze Germans vil take over this puny planet and rule it vith a--just kidding! [ALL but SANDARA loudly fake laughter.] > on his way to see the Museum of Antiquities in New York. He's near > a hundred, was in the U-boat service during World War II, SANDARA : He keeps rubbing his hands together and mwa-ha-haing at me. No idea why. > and Egyptology is a hobby of his, WAND : At least, that's what he walks like. > so he was absolutely delighted to learn that I'm the chap who > took the photos in "Valley of the Kings". MMK : The blood will flow / A thousand souls / Cry for mercy / A thousand times over... > We've had a smashing time talking about the war and the Middle > Kingdom and who knows what else. WAND : Your skin vould make an *excellent* pair of gloves... TBS : Why thank you! > Poor old fellow's not in very good health, and except for a little > dachshund (inevitably named Anubis), SANDARA: Aww... puppy! MMK: A distant cousin of-- GAVOK: Wait for it. MMK: --FURY! LOONS: YAY FURY! > he's traveling alone, so I've > been trying to help him out as best I can. > > I've heard no news of any new Angel attacks while I've been away, TBS : But I'm happy as long as she still has the People's Elbow. > which either means they haven't happened, or the coverup > department's doing a better job. WAND: You think *your* job sucks? > Hope everything is well on your end of the line. MMK : Telephone Operator, you're my aural stimulator! Telephone operator, ne c'est pas la raison dietre! > We're scheduled to arrive in New York at 3 PM next Monday, so I'll > be overnighting at the Waldorf again and riding up Tuesday morning, > unless I have a lot of extra ambition Monday night (and it's not > raining). > > My love to all (yes, even Asuka). SANDARA : I trust she has by now come across my poem and has been crushed to death by the power and skill of my unrivalled wit. > I'm counting the hours 'til I can > knock back a Guinness with you again. It's just not the same without > you there to scream about it, and - horrors - I've actually come to > rather like it cold. [WAND gasps.] TIFF: There, there. WAND: He should eat it with a spoon like the rest of us! > (Tch. His Majesty would take away my passport > if he heard me say that. It's so un-English of me.) MMK : I'd better *double* the strength of my British accent, just to avoid suspicion. > Yours aye, > (signed) > DJ Croft > > PS - Made a side trip to Bavaria since I had some time to kill. WAND : Stuffed with pastry now. Can't move. May die. Send assistance. > Do you think Ritsuko will like the lederhosen I got her? SANDARA: More importantly, will *Maya* like the liederhosen you got Ritsuko? > I hope they fit. I had to make a guess based on the counter girl's > size... > > --- MARCONIGRAM (r) SHIP-TO-SHORE FACSIMILE TRANSMISSION --- > > Misato re-read the postscript a couple of times to make sure > she'd really seen what she thought it said; WAND : Good God! He's coming *back*?! > then she dropped the > letter on her desk and giggled helplessly for several minutes. SANDARA : Now I know what to airstrike! > After recovering, she folded the letter carefully, put it back in its > envelope and tucked the envelope away in her purse. Then, humming > happily, she sipped her coffee, clicked her pen, yanked the first > form off the top of the pile and started working on it. TIFF: That's the New York Times crossword puzzle, Misato. TBS : Hey, it's *like* working. > MONDAY TBS: What? It was just Friday! And that was after we *skipped* Thursday, so *now* it *should* be Friday! > SEPTEMBER 14, 2015 WAND: Duke Nukem Forever hits the shelves! TIFF: And it isn't worth the wait, surprisingly. > Evangelion Combat Team #1 stood poised at the edge of the city, > watching as the newest Angel swept into view, charging toward > them at high speed. TBS : Sore! Kono! Itadaki! > Jon made EVA-03 grip the naginata it held a bit more firmly. MMK: A naginata? Isn't that where Keitaro and Naru live? SANDARA: That's the Hinata Sou. MMK: Oh. Then it's a bloodline of vampires that has to eat flesh from their victims as well as drinking blood. SANDARA: That's a Nagaraja. MMK: Then it's the Kyushu seaport that was traditionally the West's only point of access to Japan. SANDARA: That's Nagasaki. TBS: Nangasac if you're Lemuel Gulliver. MMK: Then it's a Japanese polearm wielded by Tomoe Gozen. SANDARA: That's a naginata -- DAMMIT, DON'T *DO* THAT TO ME! MMK: Do what? [He ^_^s.] > He was point. Rei was mark. [ALL gasp.] MMK : Rei is Mark! Mark is Rei! GAVOK : Rei's a man, baby! > Rei would keep the Angel > distracted with gunfire while he got in close and engaged at > pointblank range, or at least, that was the theory. > He hoped they would both remember their roles. SANDARA : I'm Iowa! > "Here we go," he said quietly, steeling himself. "Cover me." MMK : When I run! Cover me... through the fire! > "Roger," Rei answered just as quietly, and GAVOK: --his teddy bear sprouted giant rotating saw blades. > EVA-00 opened up with its autorifle as EVA-03 charged forward, > deftly ducking around and leaping over the few small buildings > which stood between him and the target. WAND: The *large* buildings, on the other hand, he charged straight into. TIFF: I'd been wondering why the real estate around there was so cheap. > The bullets being pumped into the Angel had little effect, SANDARA: But they at least *looked* cool. > but they served their purpose and distracted it long enough for Jon > to make his attack. EVA-03 leaped into the air and GAVOK: --clocked itself good on a lowflying plane. > sent the naginata slashing downward in a mighty arc, neatly bisecting > the Angel in a spray of purple gore. MMK: You do *not* fuck with Sanae Y. > "Not bad," Asuka remarked from the control room. TIFF : Not *good*, either, though. I'm just saying. > Jon drew back a step, whirling the naginata upright again, and > smiled. "They're getting - " MMK : They're getting a jeep? Why don't we get a jeep! GAVOK : What're you complaining about? We're getting a tank in the very next drop. MMK : You can't pick up chicks in a tank. > What they were getting, he would never get to say (which was > probably just as well, since context shows that it was almost > undoubtedly wrong). TBS: The protext, on the other hand, agreed whole-heartedly. > The two halves of the Angel twitched, then > shivered, and, as Jon and Rei watched in horror, each shrank into > itself slightly, its flesh flowing like clay, and became a smaller > version of the original. SANDARA : One-sixth the size. > Daunted by this division not at all, the Angels advanced. MMK : Two of hearts! Two hearts that beat as one! > "Shit!" Jon snapped, backpedaling as the nearer of the two > halves turned on him and cut loose with a particle beam. TBS: I'm gonna say it! WAND: Don't say it! TBS: I'm gonna say it! WAND: Don't say it! TBS: Jon's been... touched by an Angel! WAND : Oh God. My life. My poor, poor life. > He leaped > back, grabbing an autorifle from the nearby weapons block. "Target > zero one zero!" TIFF: Thanks, Twelve. > Roles of point and mark utterly forgotten, Jon Ellison and > Rei Ayanami dropped into sync. "Targeting," Rei answered and both > autorifles spoke, razing the Angel's body. It staggered, forced > back by the hail of bullets, purple ichor spraying everywhere. SANDARA: Like opening fire on a jelly donut. TBS: I've done that, actually. It's a lot less entertaining than you would think. [A beat.] SANDARA: Why would-- GAVOK : DADA! [A pause.] SANDARA: Okay. > Jon kept his finger on the trigger, concentrating fully on the target, > going for maximum damage-- > And totally unprepared for the particle beam that came > tearing in from the side and caught EVA-03 in the midsection, > sending it sailing through the air to smash headlong into the side > of a hill. GAVOK: Angels fight like velociraptors? I'll be damned. > It struck with such force that it was buried almost waist-deep in > the side of said hill, and there it remained, unmoving. WAND : I fell on my keys. > "Jon!!" Rei cried, but her impulse to rush to his side was > cut short by the more immediate problem of the two halves of the > Angel bearing down on her. TBS: Sweet! Lemon turn! SANDARA: You're a sad, lonely man, Snot. TBS: Someone's got to be. > Having been given a respite from the > sustained gunfire, the first half had regenerated and now showed > no signs of damage. Rei took aim at the second half and let it > have a taste of bullets. [MMK turns his head and gives a huge Chairman Kaga smile.] > Again the shots staggered the Angel but Rei could not keep > up the attack because of particle fire from the other half. And > again the damaged half regenerated as soon as the shooting stopped. > "Control," Rei said tensely. "I need my point man right away." TBS : Look, I know you can't resist me, but we're in the middle of a freaking fight here. [A pause. TIFF sighs.] TIFF: Fine. Go on. TBS : Can't it wait until we get a room? [GAVOK does a rimshot.] > "Withdraw, Rei," Misato ordered. "Rescue teams are already > going after Jon. We're going to have to rethink our approach > to this one." TIFF : New plan! We stuff socks in their shoes so that their shoes don't fit! > TUESDAY TBS: What? SANDARA: Wasn't it Tuesday already? TBS: It should be Saturday now! WAND : Tuesday. Hot. That lot from across the marsh have been at it again. MMK: I bet I can answer all the questions from today's episode of Jeopardy correctly. GAVOK: You're on. > As he rode up Interstate 290 from the Mass. Pike, DJ couldn't > really help but notice a few odd things about the cityscape. MMK : Dude! A Tim Hortons! > Like the pair of giant black legs sticking out of Pakachoag Hill, WAND: The poor spider never had a chance. > with the heavy equipment crew around them working to dig out the > rest of the unit. > And the pair of similarly giant blue and white legs sticking > out of Dead Horse Hill, with the similar crew around it. GAVOK : I am damn unsatisfied to be used as a yard dart. > And the two giant, vaguely anthropomorphic things standing > charred and twisted in the middle of a large, already dampening > crater in what had once been the warehouse district. TBS: Whoa. Somebody took the Burned Fur Manifesto literally. > "Looks like things have been busy round here," he observed. > Sighing, he mentally wrote off a quick stop by the apartment and > headed straight for the S490. WAND : Fighting Angels without a shower first is so... gauche. > Coherency began to return to Jon's senses. A corner of his mind > noted that he was no longer breathing fluid, and his closed eyes > detected the presence of daylight outside. SANDARA: That's a neat parlour trick. MMK: Not really. I mean, who *can't* see through their eyelids? GAVOK: I just paint little smiley faces on mine. Really freaks folk out. > Someone had opened the hatch? No... he was in the infirmary, > there was the distinctive antiseptic smell. WAND: And the second he walks back into the hallway, he's attacked by those creepy deformed knife-wielding kids again. > It was lamplight he was seeing. SANDARA: Walk towards it anyway. > He opened his eyes and was greeted with a titanic blur which, after > a moment of blinking, resolved itself into the lovely face of > Rei Ayanami. [SANDARA weakly motions for TIFF to lean towards her, which TIFF does.] SANDARA : You're off-key. [TIFF mock smacks her, and for no explained reason playing cards fly around.] > "Are you all right?" she asked, sounding worried. TIFF : I can't play this scene worried, Ben. "Worried" is an emotion, and Rei doesn't *have* emotions. > Slowly, he lifted his arm, and took her hand, looking into > her beautiful red eyes. GAVOK : Rock Howard... called... and wants his eyes back... >"...i am now," he said softly. She looked > visibly relieved at that, and put her other hand over Jon's. TIFF: Crushing it effortlessly. SANDARA : How about *now*? *Now* are you all right? Huh? > The door slid open, and a familiar voice announced, "Hello, > all! Say, was that EVA-03 I saw stuck up to its arse in Pakachoag > Hill, or am I high?" GAVOK : You're high. > Before anyone could respond, something rather distressing > happened to DJ's jacket: it began to bulge, and its surface to > writhe, as if something within were trying to get out. MMK: Whoops! Chest burster. TBS: Oh, you hate to see that happen. GAVOK: No you don't. TBS: No, I don't. > DJ did not seem overly dismayed by this strange behavior, and > as he lowered the zip a bit, the reason for this became clear. WAND : Told you I could get a girl in this. SANDARA : Oh... *God*... > A small dog jumped out of the now-open garment, darted across the > floor, and sat down at Rei's feet. As it did, it looked up at her > with glittering, dark eyes, and let out a single sharp bark. SANDARA: Aww, puppy! MMK: Could it be...? GAVOK: No. No way. That would be *too* cool. TBS: I think it might be... Fury? MMK: Fury! GAVOK: FURY! MMK, GAVOK, TBS: YAY-- > "Well," said DJ wryly. "I guess Anubis has made his > preference known." [There is a short, and uncomfortably silent, pause.] MMK, GAVOK, TBS: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GAVOK : YOU SUCK, NEW DOG! WAND: Gavok, sit down. > "Anubis... ?" Rei wondered, kneeling down to scratch the dog, > a blue-gray miniature dachshund, behind his floppy ears. SANDARA : Aww, yeah. She digs me. > "He belonged to an Egyptologist I met on the ship on the way > over... the old fellow died a day out of New York, poor man. TIFF : I thought *everyone* had an immunity to iocain powder. > He told me I should have the dog if that happened, so I pretended > he'd been mine to start with. TBS : Those crackas'll believe anything. > I don't think the stewards really believed it, > but nobody said anything." > The dog's little tail thumped the floor rhythmically as Rei > scratched him absently, looking not at him but thoughtfully at DJ. [TIFF looks over at TBS. His mouth is open.] TIFF: If but a *squeak* is made about that sentence, you will die multiple times. TBS: That's not possible. TIFF: I'll *make* it possible. TBS: No, I was talking about the fact that he has nowhere *near* the sex appeal of Fury-- [TIFF screams. Death ensues. MMK reaches up and effortlessly catches TBS's head as it flies past him.] GAVOK: Poor Snot. His curiosity was not rewarded with a refreshing Vanilla Coke. MMK: Scotch tape. GAVOK: [produces a roll of Scotch tape] Scotch tape. [MMK begins Scotch-taping TBS' head back onto his body.] SANDARA: [eyeing Tiffa, then MMK] ... WAND: You look vaguely unsettled. SANDARA: It's nothing. Really. > Jon chuckled, which made her turn her gaze to him. > "Looks like you've made a new friend," Jon observed. Rei > looked down at Anubis, who gazed back up with adoring eyes, GAVOK : Aw, c'mon, baby! Daddy needs his lovin'! > and smiled a little. WAND : Yes, no-- > "Maybe so," she acknowledged. WAND: I am the *man*. > "Told you I'd bring you something nice," said DJ with a grin. TIFF : A little pepper, a little marinade, and he's a tasty treat you'll love to eat! > He hadn't planned for this contingency, but what the hell. TBS: Yeah, really. What the hell. > "Anyway - does somebody want to tell me what's going on outside? SANDARA : Drink up, the world's about to end. > I saw a couple of EVAs doing an interesting variation on spelunking > and what looked like a couple of very charred nasties in the makings > of a new lake." GAVOK: Hey, come on, lakes are *hard*. > The door opened, and Misato entered, making no secret of the > delighted smile on her face. TBS : Today I don't need a replacement, I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant... MMK : My heart going boom! Boom! Boom! TBS, MMK : "Hey", I said, "you can keep my things, they've come to take me home!" MMK : He-eey, back home! > "DJ! Welcome back," she declared, > hugging the boy, then stepping back. "Did you win?" > "I'm here, aren't I?" he replied. > "Yes, but you yourself pointed out that -that- doesn't mean > much," Jon observed. GAVOK: Burn! MMK : I have burned him. From now on, you shall refer to me as Captain Burns, of the USS Starship... HOT! > DJ gave his friend a wry look, then said, WAND : Screw you too, pal. > "Well, as you've put it that way, yes, as a matter of fact, I did." > Jon sat up and swung his legs over the side of the infirmary cot. SANDARA: Knocking over his IV. TIFF : Oops. Uh-oh. > "Is Dr. Ikari in his office?" he asked Misato. > "I think so, why?" > Jon got to his feet, adjusted his clothes, and said, "Rei and > I have something we need to tell him." WAND : She's pregnant. ALL: No! WAND : And it's not DJ's. ALL: Phew! > A feeling which wasn't exactly positive tickled at the corner > of Jon's mind. Rei had apparently felt it too, for they both turned > toward the doorway a moment before it actually opened, admitting TIFF: ...its feelings of self-doubt and incompetence. MMK : Even though I'm just doing my job, would it hurt anyone to say 'thank you' just even once? > them > to Ikari's office. He stared at them evenly, outwardly showing no > emotion but Jon got the distinct impression Ikari was not pleased > with the way things had gone. TBS: Probably from his mood shirt. > But the truth of the matter had finally >come out, and now he was going to have to accept it. Jon was > determined of that, come Hell or high water. He had better > things to do with his life than throw it away so that a > commander could keep his illusions. MMK: He's waiting to hear "Pet Sounds" on CD. > "That could have gone better," Ikari began, cutting directly > to the chase and confirming most of Jon's suspicions. He was on > the point of beginning a rebuttal when he felt Rei's hold on his > hand firm a bit. > "...No," she said softly. This earned her an arched eyebrow > from Ikari. "It was the best we could possibly have done under > the circumstances." > "And what is that supposed to mean?" [A beat.] TIFF : I haven't thought that far yet. > Jon felt himself becoming irked at the interrogatory tone > directed toward Rei and was possessed of an urge to rush to her > defense, to protect her with fists if necessary, WAND: Oh, *that's* a good career move. MMK: For sure. Succession at NERV is decided by right of conquest. WAND: ...I'm going to give Conan an application. > but he kept a > firm lid on that sudden impulse and spoke with carefully measured > words instead. TIFF : your. mother. is. a. whore. WAND : Then he punched him anyway. > "Sir, per your instructions I've been monitoring > our progress and performance, and looking for anything which might > negatively impact our efficiency. I've found something." MMK : I have no hands. GAVOK : I see. MMK : But this shouldn't be a cause for discrimination. > This succeeded in diverting Ikari's stare away from Rei. > "Go on." > "The current combat configuration," Jon continued evenly, "is > inefficient. Rei and I do not complement each other, we duplicate > each other. TBS : So *you* two broke the photocopier! > The same holds true of DJ and Asuka; they are both point > elements. We're both mark elements. [MMK and GAVOK whip out signs that say "LA PARKA FOR EVA" and "FOLEY FOR PREZ 2004!"] TIFF: Put the robe away, Snot. TBS : Goddamn! > Neither team complements itself > in its current configuration. If the teams cannot complement > themselves, they will be inefficient." > "And at unnecessary risk," Rei added. > "Your suggestion?" Ikari asked, his voice studiously cold. SANDARA : Nothing, really. Just venting. > "Follow SHODAN's recommendations," Jon replied without > hesitation. WAND: SHODAN! The Shogun of Worcester! > He almost didn't notice that Rei had softly echoed him. GAVOK : See? It's that damn duplicating thing again! > A long, hard stare pinned them as Ikari looked down at them. > "And that's the way it is?" SANDARA : Some things will never change... > "Yes," they stereoed. MMK : My life is a stereo... turn me on and let's go. > Another silence, another hard stare. > Then: "Very well. The combat team assignments will be > changed per SHODAN and the Magi's recommendations. But this had > better work." GAVOK : Don't make me get... the duct tape. > Jon suppressed a sigh of relief. Thank God Ikari hadn't asked > him to explain why DJ-Jon/Asuka-Rei wouldn't work. WAND : Rivalslash just doesn't make any *sense*. > He would have felt distinctly uncomfortable stating his belief > that he could keep Asuka's impulsiveness better under control than > the less outspoken Rei, at least with Rei right there. He knew it > was foolish to believe that such a statement would hurt Rei's > feelings, TIFF: Being that she has none and all. > but he shrank from pointing out any shortcoming in her, real or > imagined. Idly, part of his mind wondered why that was. SANDARA : Upon further introspection, it may be because I am totally and completely whipped. WAND : You're talking to yourself again. Shut up. SANDARA : Yes, dear. > "It will work," Rei replied to Ikari's veiled threat, and > Jon felt her grip on his hand tightening. [ALL make cracking and popping noises.] TBS : Ow ow ow ow ow ow *ow*-- > "It will, sir," Jon seconded. Surely there was enough proof > already. > In this latest silence, Ikari, Jon and Rei seemed to become > aware of something all at once: a low undercurrent of sound > that had accompanied their entire meeting, but been so low > as to go unnoticed. WAND: I believe that that is... the sound of science. MMK: Yeah! That science is so gonna bust their asses! TBS: Science in the *house*, y'all! > It was a low rumbling noise, like the sound of a slightly > malfunctioning air conditioner or aging hard disk drive, and it > rolled steadily, drifting up from somewhere in the vicinity of > the floor. SANDARA: You'd better get off the ground. Those worms are nasty. > Ikari leaned over his desk, brow furrowing with more curiosity than > annoyance, just as Jon and Rei looked down to see that the little > blue dachshund had followed Rei along to Ikari's office, TIFF : Quite clearly having wandered into a can of paint or something because that's *not* a colour a dachshund should be-- > and now sat just to her left, his glittering black eyes fixed on > Ikari, upper lip curled back every so slightly from one gleaming > canine. The sound was coming from him, a low, constant growl. GAVOK : Hey! DJ! You left your dog in neutral! > "What is this?" Ikari inquired, his tone neutral. MMK : And more importantly, is it edible? > "DJ brought him back from England," Rei explained. It wasn't > strictly true, but the real explanation was too complicated to go > into, and the one given was close enough for government work. "He > doesn't seem to like you," she noted with the brutal directness that > Jon had quickly come to admire and identify with. > "Does Croft intend keeping this animal as a pet?" Ikari > wondered. MMK : 'Cause I'm pretty hungry. > "He seems to prefer me," Rei replied. GAVOK : Wear the collar for me, luv? TBS : If I am ordered to, I will. TIFF: Deathies. Hideous deathies. *Your* deathies. > Ikari seemed on the verge of making some peremptory, dismissive > statement, but as he looked up from the dog preparatory to > saying it, he met Rei's steady gaze, and read in an instant the > resolve there. SANDARA : *My* snack. MMK : Curses. > For the first time, Gendou Ikari became aware that it was possible > for him to give an instruction that Rei Ayanami would defy. SANDARA : I should've vaccinated for OOC. > He had introduced Jon into the situation too late; the damage > was already done. > Busy pondering this, Ikari said nothing further; merely nodded > and dismissed them. > "He seems very concerned about keeping us together," Jon > observed after they had left Ikari's office. > "...Yes," Rei answered. WAND : Where are you going with this? TIFF : Just making conversation. > "Strange," Jon mused, but he had no opportunity to elaborate > on that - as he opened his mouth to speak further, alarms sounded, > and the voice of Maya Ibuki announced, "The Angels are on the move > again. GAVOK: Now, Fridays at seven! TBS: Opposite "Friends?" They don't stand a chance. > All Evangelion pilots report to the pilot staging area > immediately!" > And so, presently, DJ stood in the EVA cage, looking up at > EVA-01; then he smiled and thumbed the lift button, TBS : Thumbs up, soldier! > sending the cage lift on its way up to entry-plug level. MMK : Entry-plug level. Plugsuits, LCL, and lingerie! > "Hullo, Lucy," he remarked softly as he climbed into the seat, GAVOK : WAAAAAAH! I wanna be in the show! > dogged the hatch behind him, and pressed the key to retract the plug > fully and cover its port. MMK: Too bad the starboard's still vulnerable. WAND: Wrong port, flapjack. MMK: Oh. Sorry. [He ^_^s.] > "Did you miss me?" SANDARA : Yes, but I still have time to reload. > He ran through the > entry checklist smoothly, recalling it easily from memory, TBS: You see, he has a pornographic memory. [Pause.] TBS: Freudian slip. > then settled down and synchronized without hesitation. As the > viewers came up, he could see EVA-00's single optic glow to life > across the way, GAVOK: OPTIC BLAST! > and he grinned, keying his comset. TIFF: And *ruining* its paint job. > "Once again unto the breach, dear Rei?" he inquired. "Your > EVA's a sight... that lovely blue and white paint scheme all scuffed > to bits." > "It's all right," Rei replied. "I liked it better orange, > anyway." TIFF : ...orange is what prisoners wear... > In the control booth, John Trussell jotted down a note. GAVOK : Pick up laundry on the way home... > "Listen up, you two," came Misato's voice on the broadband. > "Study of the original combat footage indicates that the two > halves of the Angel are linked, they act in constant concert. SANDARA : It's Woodstock all over again, baby! > You'll have to > come up with some way of hitting them both at once - WAND : No time. Use Death Blossom. > figure the only > reliable way to kill them will be to destroy both cores > simultaneously." TIFF: Otherwise, the towers will explode, and no Flare and Arise for you. > "Right-ho," said DJ. "That oughtn't to be -too- difficult, > now we know what we're looking for. Slap on some choons and let's > get down." TIFF: Uh, what are "choons?" TBS: Maybe they're a Chinese Interpol agent and street fighter? MMK: Nah, that's Chunners. TBS: Oh, right. Then they're genetically-engineered primates the Draka use as pets and hunters. MMK: I think that's gloons. TBS: Hmm... I hazard a guess that they're magnetic trawl lines that skateboard couriers use to-- MMK: Those are poons. [A pause.] TBS: Gold coins used as currency by Spaniards and Pirates? MMK: Doubloons. TBS: Oh. Right. What about Guatamalan money? MMK: Quetzals? TBS: That's the word! [A pause.] TBS: Wait, no, never mind. It isn't. Forget it. > "I'm still not entirely sold on the music thing," Misato mused. > "Helps me think," DJ said. > "Well, I suppose if Rei has no objections... " > "None," Rei chimed in. > "Music in combat? That's ridiculous," Asuka contributed. WAND : Hey, if it works for Vanessa Z. Schneider, then damn it, it'll work for me. > "What are you going to do, dance them to death?" WAND : I *said*, if it *works* for-- SANDARA : Never mind. > "Can't dance," DJ admitted blithely. MMK : ...I can't sing, I'm just sittin' here sellin' everything.... [GAVOK and TBS make weird percussion sounds.] > "But the beat helps me keep my thoughts organized." [WAND opens his mouth.] > "Well, you need all the help you can get there." [WAND closes his mouth and grimaces.] > "God, Asuka, I've missed you so," said DJ. "Promise me when > this is all over you'll come away with me to Paris." > "I can't -stand- you!" Asuka protested shrilly. > "That's OK," DJ replied cheerfully. "I can't stand bloody Paris." TBS: Okay, then forget Paris. SANDARA: Yeah, just become an NBA referee instead. MMK: "Bloody Paris" would be a good name for a rock band. > Jon and Rei rolled their eyes, had they but known, at the same > moment. TBS: Ahh, Vaudeville. [A beat.] TBS: Wait! I hate Vaudeville! > "All right, all right, enough of this," Misato interrupted, > trying not to laugh. "Combat Team No. 1, report in." > "Evangelion Unit 01: Lucifer!" DJ declared. "Point element > ready for launch." > "Evangelion Unit 00: Moloch," Rei rejoined. "Mark element > ready for launch." GAVOK : Evangelion Unit 02: Drahmin! Goofy ball of flies element ready for launch! > "Ayanami's nicknamed her EVA too?" Asuka noted. > "At least it's appropriate," Jon mused. MMK : That's it, I'm naming mine. I'm thinking "George." > "Combat Team No. 1: Launch!" Misato ordered, and the two EVAs > were catapulted to street level. TIFF: And then *through* street level, straight through the center of the Earth and out again into the stratosphere. MMK: Like the video for "When You're Falling". [A pause.] TIFF: Sure. MMK: So Peter Gabriel is walking down the street, looks up, and then watches them go straight through the pavement. TIFF: *Fine*. I get it. > /* Pop Will Eat Itself "Karmadrome" _Sixteen Different Flavours of > Hell_ */ TBS : My neighbour says he hates me, can't live with me, now he's gonna get me! o/` > Rei popped up normally, slamming to a stop at the end of her > launch tracks, her EVA shuddering in the grip of the lockdowns for a > moment before they were withdrawn and the machine could lurch free. GAVOK: They're giving away Frankenstein butlers now? I'm sold! > One of the two Angel components turned to face her as she raised the > autorifle that had been lashed to her unit's launch stand. > Just then, on the other side of the Angels, EVA-01 burst out > of the ground - but not pinioned to a launch stand. TBS : One day, I told Dinsdale I had company coming over and asked if he'd greatly mind not nailing my head to the floor that week. He said sure and simply screwed my pelvis to a cake-stand instead. > Learning from > Jon's encounter with the Fifth Angel, DJ had released the final > lockdown in the shaft, GAVOK: Innuendo gags were cheap and plentiful. > and the massive momentum imparted by the launch catapulted EVA-01 > high into the air, above the buildings. SANDARA : Prepare to launch, Silverhawks! > As he rose, DJ let out a joyous whoop and GAVOK: --Flair Flopped into a skyscraper, killing hundreds instantly. [A beat.] GAVOK: WHOO! WAND: I don't recall kicking you in the head. > drew the two autocannons slung under EVA-01's arms in the massive > holsters improvised, per his request (relayed by Maya) to Tech Division > some time before. TIFF: I see "inobtrusive narration" is still something that *other* people do. > Sir Henshingly be damned - this was where he belonged! WAND: Yeah, catapulted into the air sounds just about right. I might suggest a good landing site, however. TIFF: I can think of several. Yucca Mountain, for one. > He let off a volley, just to keep the Angels' heads down, and then > alighted his EVA atop one of the lower buildings, which he'd guessed > correctly was more than sturdy enough to take the impact. SANDARA: But not, he'd guessed incorrectly, for more than five seconds. Seeing DJ's EVA flail its arms as it sank to the waist in an apartment complex was one of the biggest joys Rei ever experienced in her life. > He and Rei kept the Angels distressed for several minutes this > way, making rapid slashing attacks from different directions, leaping > about, diverting their fire into the air, and, Misato noticed as the > battle progressed, drawing them further and further apart. > As they did, Misato began to notice something odd, which Maya > momentarily confirmed on her own: TIFF : The angels would look fabulous in purple! > "They're weakening!" TIFF : That's probably more relevant! > And so they were. MMK : For Maya's voice is like unto God's! > As their separation increased, the two creatures' movements became less > sure, more fitful, their energy blasts decreasing in frequency, power > and accuracy. Being drawn apart was fraying the link between the two > aliens which were really one. GAVOK: A new mini-series! Angels: Separation Anxiety. MMK: At least we know DJ-man won't show up in that one. GAVOK: Wanna bet? > It appeared that the bipartite Angel was realizing its > predicament at the same time, though, and the two halves began > trying to turn round and head back toward the middle of the city. TBS : RUN AWAY! > "There, they've got it sorted," DJ announced. "Time we wrapped > this up, I think." TBS: ...and now it's time for the breakdown. MMK, GAVOK : Never gonna get it, never gonna get it... neh-ver gonna get it... > With that, he jettisoned his EVA's power uplink, and, across > town, Rei did the same. Both EVAs abandoned their projectile > weapons, took Progressive Knives in hand and closed with their > quarries. WAND: This is reading more and more like a really *big* production of "West Side Story." > Had DJ and Rei been acting in true synchrony, as Jon and Rei > undoubtedly would have, the Angels would have retained enough of > their own natural synchrony to fend off their attacks in uinison. GAVOK: I love pseudo-science. MMK: Yeah, there's science all over this shit. WAND: Science! > As it was, though, they were not synchronized - merely acting > along the same basic plan, keeping roughly to the beat of the same > song. SANDARA : Yeah, this music was a *great* idea. Moron. TIFF: Your moves are lame! Get off the stage! > Rei attacked, as Rei always attacked, with her EVA's Prog Knife held > blade-forward and the heel of the other hand behind the pommel, > driving the weapon forward against the Angel's defenses with all the > strength of Moloch's arms. DJ, on the other hand, held it > blade-down, stab-fashion, and used Lucifer's free hand to block the > Angel's arms as they tried to intervene. The disparate methods of > furthering the same aim threw off the Angels; TIFF: Weren't they effectively combating different attacks before and in the TV series? Why is this any different? WAND: The Aura of Smooth (tm) is in operation. SANDARA: Not even an AT field is that powerful. > combined with the > faltering element introduced by their separation, it was enough. > The blades of two Progressive Knives plunged into two Angel > cores on the same beat, and that, it seemed, was close enough; the > two Angels thrashed, then slumped. SANDARA: Kinda like Tiger Woods? TIFF: More like Nine Inch Nails. > "Evangelion Combat Team No. 1," said DJ, his grin evident in > his voice. "Point element reports mission accomplished. Unit 01, > Lucifer, ready for pickup." > "Unit 00, Moloch," Rei chimed in. "Ready for recovery." > "I. Don't. Believe it," Asuka muttered. TIFF: Neither. Do. We. TBS: We. Like. Wasting. Periods. Also. MMK : FIFTY. GODDAMN. POINTS. OF. DAMAGE. > Misato's "Welcome Back DJ" party, staged that evening, was > easily extended to become a victory party as well. SANDARA: In lieu of a pinata, they stuffed DJ with chocolate and hit him with sticks. > As festive occasions go, it can be described as a moderate success. WAND: Everyone got really slammed and spent Monday apologizing. TIFF: Truss woke up in Baltimore-3 wearing someone else's underwear. TBS: They found out that after six beers, Misato and Ritsuko snog like mad. > Everyone had > a good time, nobody got sick, and there were few moments that rang > false or made anyone wince. MMK, GAVOK : Boooooring, boooooring, booooring... > DJ regaled everyone with the tale of his > visit to Buckingham Palace SANDARA: Subtitled, "Two Hundred Things *Not* to Do to a Beefeater." > and garnered all-round laughs with his impression of Sir > Henshingly's blustery reaction to his trump card at the hearing. WAND : I'm not being blustery, I'm choking on a radish! Help! [GAVOK, MMK, and TBS laugh at him.] > Jon demonstrated an unexpected (or perhaps merely unlooked-for) > facility with a guitar that turned him and DJ into an > impromptu blues combo for a moment, [MMK produces an electric bass from out of nowhere.] MMK : My mom's sharp and pointy! [GAVOK noodles around on a guitar.] MMK : And that Gendo's a dick! [TBS blows on a harmonica.] MMK : Rei acts cold, but funny! [GAVOK jams.] MMK : And I'll hit on this chick! TIFF : Whatever. MMK : I've got the-- [GAVOK and TBS jam.] MMK : --giant robot, city in peril bluuuuuuues... [The music trails off momentarily.] MMK: We're in G. TBS: Oh. [They pick up the tune again.] MMK : This story is all about me, and you know I'll never loo-uu-ooose! > and Ritsuko's reaction to the gift DJ had purchased for her in > Munich was the stuff of instant legend. SANDARA: She blew a hole in his chest the size of Bermuda. TBS: Bermuda-3. SANDARA: Right, Bermuda-3. > "Really, though," said DJ after Maya had congratulated him on > his quick formulation of the plan that had led to the latest > Angel's downfall, TIFF : Lick my boots harder, toady! > "it was as much Rei's idea as mine. Her experience, and > Jon's, from the first encounter with it showed that trying to match > the parts sync-for-sync wasn't the way to do it." TIFF: It's not actual humility, but an incredible simulation. > Holding his Guinness high, MMK: Guinness is good for you. GAVOK: No bones, but an elementary nervous system. > he said with a grin, "A toast WAND : To NERV... [normal] nah. TBS : To Gainax... [normal] nah. TIFF : To the health of Commander Ikari (may he suffer a massive coronary)... [normal] nah. SANDARA : To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, most of our problems; the mental restraints that it loosens; and the peaceful unaccountable oblivion that follows. ALL: Yes! To ALCOHOL! > - to my new partner!" ALL: ...damn. > Jon watched this proceeding without expression - not because > he was nonplussed, but because he was too busy thinking about the > implications of Commander Ikari's odd behavior earlier to really > notice what was happening. TBS : brood brood brood ooh fruit punch! brood brood broody brood... > In fact, he didn't really take note of his > surroundings until Asuka elbowed him. GAVOK : *AGH* GOD MY *RIBS*! TIFF : I express comraderie through judo! Hee-ya! > "What?" he murmured, conscious that he'd missed whatever she'd > said to him. SANDARA : There's a scorpion in your trousers. > "I said, Aren't you jealous that Croft makes a better battle > partner for your sweetheart than you do?" Asuka inquired with a sly > grin. WAND: Ooh, dig that bitter irony. > "No," Jon replied flatly, and went back to his ruminations, > ignoring her entirely. > She glared sourly at him for a moment, MMK : ...didn't people used to *over*-sell my insults? > then went away in > search of someone more interesting to talk to. Mr. Kaji, preferably. TBS : Or even Kensuke. > Notable in his absence from this gathering was Gendou Ikari himself. TBS : I didn't get invited. > He remained in his office at Central Dogma. GAVOK: In Wisconsin-3! > He wasn't filling out forms. He wasn't making operational plans. He > wasn't composing an after-action report. In fact, he didn't appear > to be doing anything but sitting in his office, in the dark, and > contemplating the softly self-illuminated Sephiroth engraving on the > ceiling. [MMK pointedly does not hum "One Winged Angel" under anyone's breath.] SANDARA: So you can't afford a wallscroll, but you've got a sharp pocketknife? Have we got a deal for you! > No one could have said what he was thinking; no one knew him > well enough to read the blank expression on his face. His wife had, > once, but his wife was long dead, WAND: And that's why the letter from her asking him to come to Silent Hill was particularly confusing. > and his only son, at best a stranger, at worst an enemy, was half a > world away. MMK : Remember the memories! Two stars, worlds apart! > Some said the only person Gendou Ikari had cared for since the > death of Yui Ikari was Rei Ayanami. It was true that Rei sometimes > spoke to Gendou in a manner she never otherwise used, WAND : Whassup, mothafuckaaaaaa?! > a manner more typical of girls her age - [TBS opens his mouth, but TIFF and SANDARA hold up the "Don't Go There" neon sign.] > but since the commencement of the Evangelion Project, since the > training accident that had hospitalized her for a month and a > half, she hadn't. Those who cared to observe such things noted > that they seemed to have grown apart, that Ikari had > become even more distant even as Rei TBS: -- even -- > grew to understand and TBS: -- even -- > appreciate others of her fellow people, not TBS: -- even -- > least the other EVA pilots. [TIFF snorts.] TIFF: Yeah, it's always sad when a teenage puppetgirl grows apart from her low-rent Svengali-imposter. > At length, he gave up staring at the Sephiroth and turned to > the data display screen on his desk, re-reading the orders there. > > FROM J. Natla COL CMDG SEELE Central Command SANDARA : "I am a Nigerian millionaire--" ...the hell? > TO G. Ikari CMD CMDG NERV Central Dogma W-3 > ORDER CLASS [BLACK] GAVOK: Which, as not too many people know, actually takes place entirely in Marcus Kane's head. > 1. You are required to attend an operational effectiveness review of > NERV, September 15, 2015, at SEELE Central Command. MMK : Snacks will not be served. > 2. You will prepare an overview of NERV's progress in combating the > Angel threat, as well as technical overviews of Project Evangelion > and Project Ascension. TBS: Oh, yeah, you had to do those in X-Com too. Every six months. TIFF: How is that relevant? TBS: ...I'm working on it. > 3. You will prepare a clarification of your report dated September > 4, regarding the potential threat posed to Project Ascension by > Evangelion pilot #5 (CROFT, Derek J.). WAND : He's going to fuck it all up, sir. > You are reminded to take no > action until the Commission has reviewed all material. It is for the > Commission to decide if the threat to Project Ascension outweighs the > subject's importance to Project Evangelion and NERV operations as a > whole to justify his termination. GAVOK : Remember, the Commission is GOD. Bow down before the Commission! > 4. You are not repeat not to divulge the nature of this meeting to > any other personnel. > > END TRANSMISSION TBS : P.S. Bring snacks. TIFF : P.P.S. Have a nice day! > Ikari studied the screen for a long moment; then he reached > out and pressed a single key: TBS: Any. GAVOK: Gendo Ikari: Shamefully Literal Evil Genius. > ACKNOWLEDGE WAND: That's one weird-ass keyboard. > Then he sat back in his chair, steepled his fingers, and > resumed gazing at the ceiling. TIFF : ...I hate this place. I seriously need to start bringing in a Game Boy, or something. > Croft... > ... your day will come. MMK: You *know* you're fucked when the *narrator* is out to get you. TBS : Someday... my day will come... [pauses] [normal] Wait, that's not right... > /* The Marcels "Blue Moon" _Billboard Top Rock 'n Roll Hits: 1961_ */ [MMK makes a sound like a turntable screech.] GAVOK : Like my scrotum, here it is in a nutshell! > COMING IN THE NEXT SEASON: > - The Angel threat grows more powerful - and more mystifying. WAND : A vampire with a soul? Preposterous. > - Loyalties are questioned - some with justification, some > without. > - The Children must learn to rely on each other fully to face > and battle the danger - from without, and from within. MMK: Sandwiches will be eaten - with or without peanut butter. GAVOK: Audiences will be captivated - with cookies and without cookies. TIFF: [suddenly stands up] Cookies? Where? > - For every answer, two more questions arise. TBS : Everything zen, everything zen -- I don't think so! > After a short hiatus: WAND: An all too short hiatus-- > NEON EXODUS EVANGELION > EXODUS 2: SYMPHONY OF TERROR WAND: They called it "Nocturne in the Moonlight" in Japan. > beginning with > EXODUS 2:1 - CONNECTIONS II > 10/31/1997 SANDARA : Yesterday, October 31, 1997 -- a date which will live in infamy -- a cowardly and unprovoked attack was launched on "Shin Seiki Evangelion" by the forces of Eyrie Productions, Unlimited. TIFF: Derek J. Croft WILL BE BACK in NXE 2: Unit-01 Goes Bananas! [A stylish CGI ad for some new program called "X20: Matrix Security Force" cues up as Tiffa flicks the TV off with the nearby remote.] MMK: Hrmm... Neon Exodus Evangelion needed more Fury. GAVOK: Or at least some Truss, this episode needed more Truss. [A voice from our of the camera's view interrupts the Snots...] VOICE: Well, there's always the DVD collection, gang. [The gang turn back to the apartment's main door, where a familiar female cyborg that leans against the wall, casually observing them.] SANDARA: Rebecca! TBS : Eek, Miss Cyber-lady... REBECCA: [smirks] Yeah, I was wondering what happened to our other apartment keys. So, had to stay around for the last ep of the season, huh? WAND: The elf talked us into it, yes. Now what's this about the DVD collection? REBECCA: Oh yeah. [reaches into one of the cardboard boxes marked "Videos" and tosses a Saran-Wrapped package to Gavok] The full run of the three seasons, in time for the re-re-release of Evangelion, I'd imagine. [TBS and MMK scramble over and look over GAVOK's shoulder at the package.] GAVOK: Extra footage of Full Armor Kung Fu Jet Alone... TBS: New scenes of Kaworu Nagisa... MMK: Check the caption, man! It's "Kevin Nelson". TBS: And they spruced up the effects of Rei's flaming Holy Avenger +5... SANDARA : ...as exciting as this sounds, I need to get going. Mohan just booked us for a vacation to Faerun. TIFF: Will you be okay, with all those supermunchkins? WAND: And the annoying and stupid Evil Gods? SANDARA: [sighs blissfully, and aims her quarterstaff to her side] It'll be just like home. [A shimmering green portal appears beside her...] You take care, Rebecca! REBECCA: (waving) You too, Sandara! [The LOONS blink in confusion as the elven girl steps into the portal, which blips out of existance] GAVOK: "And thus Sandara returned to her home planet." REBECCA: Heh... fantasy characters. Go, figure, huh? WAND: Say, Rebecca, will you need help packing some of this stuff? [looking at one of the exceptionally large and long boxes on the floor] REBECCA: Naw, we can get-- wait, WHOA. That isn't what I think it is?! [The bionic female rushes over to the box, nearly shoving WANDERER to the ground and easily rips open the lid... and hefts out a large futuristic rifle, easily as long as she is tall.] REBECCA: My old EM-50 Golden Boy Megadamage Rifle! HOODY HOO! TIFF: Rebecca, honey...? REBECCA: Did I ever tell you about the time I took out a Neo-Australia Dog Pack with one of these? It was awesome... TBS: ...she's starting to scare me. GAVOK: [._.'s meekly] She went 'Hoody hoo'... WAND: ...more importantly, she said "megadamage." [edges toward the door] Guys, I think that sushi place is still open. Rebecca, we'llseeyoubye. [WANDERER, TIFFA and the LOONS scramble out of the apartment. REBECCA snaps out of her unusual fangirl glee when she notices she's now alone.] REBECCA: [blinks] Eh? Hey, guys! Wait up! (places the rifle down and scrambles out the door, flipping the lightswitch off as the scene fades to black) --------------------------------------------------------------------- Edited by: Tim McLees silvertooth_15@yahoo.com http://www.svamcentral.org/svam Thomas "Wanderer" Wilde twilde@gamepartisan.com http://www.dimfuture.net/elsewhere/ Written by: the Black Snotling camcarr@slingshot.co.nz Nicholas Eckert, the Vidstudent vidstudent@hushmail.com http://www.fortunecity.com/campus/law/44/ James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight multimediocreknight@yahoo.com http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Battlefield/4281/ Gavin "Gavok" Jasper gjj2192@rit.edu http://www.rit.edu/~gjj2192/hol/index.html Austin Loomis AGLoomis@aol.com Mark Poa markpoa@edsamail.com.ph S.D. Ryukage dragon48@ptd.com Opening sketch by Thomas Wilde. Closing sketch by Tim McLees. Neon Genesis Evangelion and its associated characters are the property of Gainax, who have the real authority to whore out said characters. Neon Exodus Evangelion, DJ Croft, John Trussell, and all other original characters are property of Eyrie Productions, all rights deserved. The characters in this MSTing are property of their respective authors. Original MSTing Format born and raised from the fine people at Best Brains and Mystery Science Theater 3000 > Everyone had a good time, nobody got sick, and there were few moments > that rang false or made anyone wince.