Here's one that got away. What started as a bunch of shorts in my next big MiSTing got too big and unwieldy and demanded a post all to itself. Now I have to think of a whole new opening skit for when I do get around to a proper follow-up to ARGON. *sigh* I swear, and those people in Bosnia think they have problems. "Mystery Science Theater 3000" post AC-2, reel one. [Theme song...1...2...3...4...5...6...] [SOL. Crow and Tom are hanging out on the desk (where else would they be?) No one else seems to be around.] Tom: Os, uoy kniht ll'enoyna erugif tuo tahw er'ew gniyas? Crow: Ylbaborp. Siht sah tog ot eb eht tsemal esucxe rof a edoc reve nettirw. [Mike storms in from screen right, clearly quite ticked off. He's wearing a bathrobe and his hair is full of shampoo.] Mike: What's going on? The water just cut out on me and the audio system started blasting Gypsy's Joey Lawrence CD through the entire starboard sector. Where's Gypsy? Isn't she supposed to be keeping track of this stuff? Tom: Erus, tub od uoy kniht ll'enoyna =rehtob= ot krow ti tuo? D'uoy kniht d'yeht evah retteb sgniht ot od htiw rieht eerf emit. Crow: Llew, eeg, Mot, enoyna ohw swonk tahw uoy tsuj dias yltnerappa =t'nseod= evah gnihtyna retteb ot od, yb noitinifed. S'ti eno fo esoht ygolotuat seigniht. Magic Voice: *Bad pun in thirty seconds.* Mike: Bad pun...? Whatever. [looks down] Hey, what's Gypsy doing passed out on the floor? Come on, guys, help me reactivate her before the audio system switches to "Sing Along with William Shatner". Crow: Yawyna, retfa taht kcarc fo sruoy I erugif ev'ew detaneila enoyna ohw ev'thgim neeb gninetsil ni. Ew nac yas gnihtyna ew tnaw! Mike: Say what? What kind of bizarre chicken-language was that? Tom: Llew, ni taht esac, D'i tsuj ekil ot ekat siht ytinutroppo ot yas taht I-- I-- I evol uoy lla. Ereht. I dias ti. Crow: Ho, rof-- tahw dnik fo ysnap terces egassem saw taht? Tom: Llew tahw =dluohs= I evah dias, O gnippird knuh fo ytinilucsam? Crow: Kniht tuoba ti! Rof ecno ew nac yas gnihtyna ew tnaw, tuohtiw gniyrrow tuoba gnieb etilop ro Ekim gnittuc su ffo! Ekil siht: etib em! Etib em! Ah ah ah-- s'ti nuf! Etib em! Etib em! Ah ah ah ah ah-- Mike: What's wrong with you two? Speak English! You sound like you've been listening to too many 80's heavy metal records. Magic Voice: *Bad pun in fifteen seconds.* Tom: Llew, =taht= saw laer erutam. Crow: Ho haey? Llew uoy nac ekat ruoy ytirutam dna evohs ti pu ruoy-- Mike: WILL YOU TWO CUT IT OUT? I've had just about enough of this! Crow: Aw, Mike, you're no fun. Mike: What kind of gibberish was that, anyway? Crow: It's not gibberish. It's-- Tom: Pig Latin. Just simple Pig Latin, nothing to worry about... Mike: Oh, come on. I =know= Pig Latin, and that's not it. Now fess up, what =was= that? Crow: The jig's up, Tom. He's onto us. Tom: *sigh* Okay. It's a language we made up in our spare time. Only the two of us can speak it. Mike: What's it called? Crow: Why, it's called... Mike: Yes? Tom: It's called... Mike: Yes?? Magic Voice: *Bad pun in five seconds. Four, three, two, one... bad pun now.* Bots: ...SERVO-CROWATIAN! [Mike clutches his temples and crumbles to the ground. Yellow light flashes.] [Commercials] [More commercials] [Still more commercials] [SOL. Mike seems to have recovered somewhat, though he does have an icebag on his head. In the background we hear Gary Coleman's 1988 foray into rap, "The Outlaw and the Indian".] All [staring directly at viewer]: Kill us now, please. [Red light flashes.] Tom: Hey, what d'you know? Ask and ye shall receive. [Deep 13] Dr.F.: Why so glum, hmm? [He pauses. Then his face contorts in horror.] Oh, dear God. Cut the audio feed, Frank! Cut the-- [looks around] --oh, yeah. I've gotta stop doing that. [SOL. Audio system abruptly switches from Gary Coleman to Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".] All: Ahhh, that's better. [Deep 13] Dr.F.: Oh, good. Because I wouldn't want to distract you from this week's experiment. [SOL] Tom: One question. Is it as bad as ARGON? [Deep 13] Dr.F.: ARGON...? You mean THE EYE OF ARGON? [SOL] Crow: Mike, what's THE EYE OF ARGON? Mike: Shh. We'll talk about it later. Tom: Yes, I mean THE EYE OF ARGON. Is this one going to be as bad? [Deep 13] Dr.F.: Well, no, of course not. How could it be? [SOL] Tom: That's what I figured, but you never know... [Deep 13] Dr.F.: Don't worry, though. To make sure you'll be getting your FDA Daily Requirement of pain, I've grabbed not one, not two, not three, but... um, actually it is three... =three= atrocious book ads off the web! You'll swear off reading forever when you're done with this one! So have fun! Or should I say... I ekil ot tep seittik dna ffins seisiad! [SOL] Bots: *giggle* [Deep 13] Dr.F.: What's so funny? Hmm. Must be my pronunciation. Just for that, I'm throwing in =another= ad! Now you've got four pieces of dreck to deal with! [SOL] Mike: Well, just as long as they're not 16:01 each... [Light flash] All: WE'VE GOT BOOK AD SIGN! [6...5...4...3...2...1...] Crow: C'mon, Mike, what's THE EYE OF ARGON? Tell me! Mike: *sigh* It was an experiment we had a while back. You went into some kind of catatonic state and I had to erase the experience from your memory banks. Crow: Really? I didn't know you knew how to reprogram robots. Mike: I don't. I just beat your head against the desk until you snapped out of it. >ARE YOU TRAPPED IN A BAD MARRIAGE? Mike: No, I'm trapped in space. Why do you ask? > >"I'm trapped! Crow: Oh, be quiet! [muttering] It rubs the lotion on its skin... >I've been married for seven years, two kids, a house, >two cars, a good job and a terrible relationship with my wife. Mike: And a partridge in a pear tree. Crow: Exactly how many kids are there in a year? Tom: *sigh* Not this again. Look, you've got sixty jobs in a car, seven cars in a house, twelve houses in a kid, and one-and-a-third kids in a year. Write it down this time, okay? >I made a mistake, that's all. Crow: OH MY GOD! Someone authorized a first strike! The missiles are flying! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! Mike: Look, I made a mistake, that's all. >She doesn't think so. She blames me. Tom: =She= keeps getting on my back about my boozing and womanizing. What a bitch. >But I know I picked the wrong partner. Mike: Damn these mail-order bride catalogs! I =knew= I should've picked #55343! >Do I have to be miserable for the rest of my life?" Crow: Of course not! We have Prozac now! Mike: I like to sprinkle it on my frozen yogurt! > >A new book called HOW TO DUMP YOUR WIFE Tom: From the author of HOW TO ABANDON YOUR CHILDREN. >will give you the >advice you need. The author is not a shrink or a lawyer Mike: After all, why would you want to listen to someone =qualified=? >-- the very people who make a living off of your pain. The author Crow: --wants a piece of that pie! There's plenty of money to be made off your pain! >is someone who >has been through a divorce and lived to tell about it. Mike: As opposed to, say, Nicole Brown Simpson. Tom: Yowtch! > >You'll get straight advice about what mistakes not to make. Mike: "Do not strip naked. Do not refer to yourself in the third person. Do not throw meat." Tom: Hey, that =is= good advice! >How to prepare yourself in your mind and in your >practical life. How to hide your money. Tom: After all, it's not =your= fault she can't support herself. Maybe if she hadn't selfishly insisted on setting aside her own dreams to raise your children she'd have some marketable skills! Go ahead, stash that wad! >What about your kids? What about guilt? Crow: What about rhetorical questions? >Your girlfriend, if you have one, and your friends. Mike: What about verbs? > >HOW TO DUMP YOUR WIFE helps you anticipate your wife's >behavior. Get ready to break Tom: --bones. Arms, legs, thumbs... these things can get nasty. >the big news. Plan it all out in >advance. Sure, there are some jokes in this book. Mike: "So this horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Why the long face?'" Why the long...? Why the-- BWAH-HAH-HAH! I get it! >It's pretty funny, >especially about the lawyers. Crow: "So this lawyer walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Why the long face?'" Why the long...? Hmm... no, it just isn't funny. >But deep down it's a serious story. Tom: In fact, deep down it's ANNA KARENINA. >No one is saying that divorce is easy. Crow: Except for Larry King, Elizabeth Taylor, Johnny Carson... >But you can have a second >chance. You can get free. Mike: --long distance for a month if you switch now. > >Unfortunately, HOW TO DUMP YOUR WIFE is not an easy book to get. Crow: I just don't get it. It's too deep for me. >You don't see it on the shelves in every bookstore, do you? Mike: No, just the really sleazy ones. >Nope. You have to ask the bookseller to order it for you. Tom: Let's see, gimme a Hustler, a pack of Trojans, and [whisper] that how-to-dump-your-wife book. >Censorship can begin even before a book hits the shelves. Mike: Hmm. That would explain why that Bukowski book I bought had six hundred pages but only eight words. >No one wants to encourage a man to get out of his unhappy marriage. Mike: What's wrong with today's society? Why can't people take sacred vows as lightly as I do? >It's different for women. Crow: Mens an' womens is made differnt, see? See, mens's got-- Mike: That's nice, Billy. Why don't we let one of the other students do their "show and tell" now, okay? >They get cheers when they "kick the bum out," don't they? Tom: Let's face it -- all in all, divorce is a delightful, fun-filled experience for women. >But, if a man is miserable, does the world want to give him a second >chance? No way. Crow: Way! Tom: No way! Crow: Way! Tom: No way! Crow: W-- wait a minute, even I'm not enjoying this. > >But you do have a chance now. You can tell your bookseller to order >HOW TO DUMP YOUR WIFE and if you have to wait awhile for the book, Crow: Y'mean someone achilly ordered a copy? Hey, Doris! Git in here! You got some typin' t'do! >it will be worth it. You'll be way ahead of the game before you >even begin. The key is preparation, mental and physical. Mike: We suggest a strict regimen of swimming, running and calisthenics. >And you'll help the cause too by making those booksellers do >something that they might not want to do. Crow: You mean retain a scrap of dignity as respectable merchants? Mike: Qualms? Whaddaya mean, qualms? Do as I say! Tom: I'll take this Business Week, this Shakespeare anthology, and while we're at it, how 'bout you undo a couple of those buttons there, baby? >Go ahead, try to get a copy for yourself or >someone else you know who is about to go insane. Mike: Buy multiple copies and hand them out to postal workers. >Or send $25 >to Fender Publishing Crow: Order now and we'll throw in a bitchin' Strat! >at 1111 East Madison, Suite 460 Seattle, Tom [singing]: o/~ Our favorite patient, display of patience, disease- covered Puget Sound... o/~ >WA 98122. > >"The finest preventive medicine on the market. I recommend a strong >dose of this book to any man wanting out of a bad marriage." >Dr. Jerome Cox, psychiatrist Tom [laughing]: Oh, yeah, suuuuure. Crow: ...electronics, TV/VCR repair, animal care specialist, gun repair, psychiatrist... > >"Right on target about my wife!" >Anonymous, but free. Tom: We found this one in Guns n' Ammo Magazine and thought we'd swipe it. Hope no one notices! [Commercials] Mike: Uh-oh. Here comes the next ad. >The HOW TO Mart Presents... >How To Dump Your Wife! Crow: Wait a minute! We just =did= this one! Dr. Forrester must've pushed the wrong button. Mike: The last one didn't mention "The HOW TO Mart", Crow. I think this is a =different= book called HOW TO DUMP YOUR WIFE. Tom: Yeah, Crow. I mean, the divorce rate in this country's only 50%. In school that'd be an "F"! We've got to get those stats up! The more how-to books, the better! >Without Losing Your Shorts >or your kids! Mike: See, definitely different. The last one didn't have a subtitle. Tom: Oh, they have to have subtitles now to avoid copyright problems. You know, like OJ Simpson's book: "HOW TO DUMP YOUR WIFE (and the Nearest Waiter)". > >Lori Mack is a woman who doesn't hate men! Crow: That's good enough for me! Lori, will you marry me? >In fact, she understands >that in America today men don't have Mike: --the raw, animal masculinity they had forty years ago. Damn Women's Lib. Where's Robert Bly when you need him? >a chance to be treated fairly in >a divorce. In some states up to 80% of men involved in a divorce are >accused of child abuse. This just isn't true, Tom: Oh, there's some sterling rhetorical strategy! Cite a statistic, then admit it isn't true! Yeesh. >but to be accused is >to be guilty in the eyes of the courts. Crow: Just ask Oliver Nor-- oh, wait. > >Lori Mack will show you how to fight back! > >How To Dump Your Wife! will show you: > >how to survive an ugly divorce, >how to protect your children, >how to stay out of jail, Tom: Unless you're Joey Buttafuoco. Then it's hopeless. >what states are "men friendly" Crow: I hear that in certain neighborhoods of San Francisco the men are =really= friendly. >how to wake up your lawyer, Mike: Instead of waking up =with= your lawyer, which is what usually happens. >how to enforce your rights, >much, much, more! Tom: Yeah, but does it tell you how to hide your money? I need to hide my money! > >This book could save you thousands of dollars, but most importantly, How >To Dump Your Wife! could save your relationship with your children. Mike: Oh, come on. The only way to do that is to make sure they get to age eleven and then stay there. > >Order the book, How To Dump Your Wife!, today, and protect yourself, >your assets and your kids from a legal system stacked against you. > >Thanks, and enjoy! Tom: Whoa! Suddenly it's an Icehouse commercial. > >To order just mail your check for $29.95 to: Mike: $29.95? For that price I could get the other book and a big sandwich besides. >The HOW TO Mart >Dump Your Wife! >11719 Meridian East >Suite 365 >Puyallup, WA 98372 Crow: Washington again. What is it about Washington that makes men want to dump their wives? Mike: It's something to do besides slashing your wrists. [Commercials] Tom: Halfway home, guys. Here comes the next one. >HOT OFF THE PRESS!! >HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL FAMILY REUNION by Elsie G. Holloman Crow: Step one: dump your wife. She'll just make trouble. > >Times have changed. These days you are lucky if your kids live in the same >state, your cousins in the same country. Crow: Unless you live in Appalachia, in which case chances are you'll find them in the same bed. Mike: Or unless you live in the Ozarks, in which case chances are you'll find them in the mirror. Crow: Huh? I don't get it. Mike: Think about it. >However, ease of travel and >communication, while leading to the dissipation of the extended family, Tom: Especially Uncle Earl. He's =really= dissipated. >have also made it relatively simple to organize a family reunion. The >practicalities of such an arrangement are tackled in a new book by Elsie G. >Holloman. In HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL FAMILY REUNION, the author shows, >in exhaustive detail, Mike: Chapter 208, section 12. Watermelon is a tasty treat for the whole family! First, cut it into forty-eight slices, making one cut lengthwise, one cut breadthwise, and eleven along the length of the melon. Make sure each slice contains between fifteen and twenty-three seeds. Then arrange on the plate following the pattern shown in figure 18A. Next-- >how to organize a gathering of clans. Tom: We come together to overthrow the thane. MacDonald? Crow: Aye. Tom: MacArthur? Mike: Aye. Tom: MacKenzie? Crow: McCloud? Tom: Shut up! Shut up! You ruined my skit! > >This attention to detail is the books strength. If you are planning a >family reunion there are enough ideas in HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL FAMILY >REUNION to keep you busy for a year. Mike: Great. So when the kids cry, the teenagers sulk, the adults argue and Grandpa complains about his rheumatism, you can reflect upon how you've wasted a year instead of just a couple of weeks. > >Price: $12.95 | Shipping: $0 | Tax: 0% Crow: Doh! Mike: What, the price? Crow: No, I just got the cousins-in-the-mirror joke. Mike: Oh. [scratches his head violently] I've got to get this shampoo out of my hair. Let's get out of here. [1...2...3...4...5...6...] [SOL. Tom and Crow are hanging out on the desk. Crow has a copy of HOW TO DUMP YOUR WIFE in one hand and a copy of HOW TO DUMP YOUR WIFE! in the other. There is no music. Mike comes in, drying his hair with a towel.] Mike: Hey, looks like Gypsy finally got over that "Servo-Crowatian" thing. Where is she, cleaning out the load pan bay? Crow: Yeah, maybe. Mike, I've decided to dump Servo. Tom/Mike: What? Crow: Yup. I'm tired of him. It's not my fault. I just made a mistake is all. I've already hidden my money, and I'm ready for a trophy bot. Mike: He already looks kinda like a trophy. Tom: Hey! Crow: Don't try to talk me out of it. If it were Gypsy instead of me you'd be cheering her on. All I need to do is find a lawyer who won't feed off my pain. Mike: Easy, thunder. Let me see if I can't help you two revive that spark. [Mike heads offscreen. We hear the usual rummaging sounds: boxes being opened, metal clinks and clangs. Soon Mike returns.] Mike: This'll fix everything. [grabs Tom's head] Tom: Hey! Wait! I wasn't =that= traumatized by the ads! Lemme go lemme go lemme go-- Mike: I'm not going to beat your head against the desk. Hold still. [Mike unscrews the red cap from Tom's head and replaces it with a cheap plastic angel holding a torch. On his hoverskirt he sticks a golden placard reading, "2ND PLACE, 33RD ANNUAL WISCONSIN SPELLING BEE."] Crow: Why-- why, Tom! You're more beautiful than ever! Tom: Bite me. I'm moving to the other side of the ship. [storms off] Crow: Oh, no! Now what'll we do? We have to get him back! Mike: Don't worry. [pulls out copy of HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL FAMILY REUNION] Even to space, the shipping was free! [Yellow light flashes.] Mike: We'll be right back. [hits button] [Commercials] Mike: Here comes the penalty kick. Y'know, we'd be done by now if you two could just keep your mouths shut. >SELF CONTROL Mike: Exactly! That's what you two need. Self con... hey, who said that? >Not Gun Control >Jacket Copy Crow: Keep this in the pocket of your jacket. Right next to your semi- automatic. > >This is not a diet book. Tom: Wait, wait, no more clues! Umm... is it known for its work in the theater? Is it bigger than a breadbox? If I were on a date with it, what would it do to me? > >This book asks the question, "How much power should you have to control your >own life?" Mike: And that's all. Eleven words. It's a very short book. Tom: Longer than SEINLANGUAGE, at least. > >Not just any writer could begin to answer so profound a question but J. Neil >Schulman has Tom: --such a big ego that he's pretty sure he can. Crow: Hey, lay off! If he weren't an earthshaking intellectual presence would he be able to pull off that pretentious first initial? I don't think so, buddy! >already won some impressive fans for his previous books. > >In 1979, _A Clockwork Orange_ Mike: --was still playing in a small theater in Skokie, Illinois. It wasn't a big box-office draw, however, having already been out for eight years. >author Anthony Burgess wrote of Schulman's >first novel, Tom: "I don't think Stanley Kubrick's going to be calling any time soon. You don't have to keep hanging around by the phone, Neil." Crow: That's =J.= Neil. >"I received _Alongside Night_ at noon today. It is now eight in >the evening and I just finished it. Tom: "Now will you please put that gun away? I've done everything you've asked!" >I think I am entitled to some dinner now >as I had no lunch. Mike: "I think I'll begin with a bowl of soup, perhaps French Onion with that delightful cheese melted on the top. Then I believe I'll enjoy a small Caesar salad, before a main course of veal medallions in a lovely Bernaise sauce. And then there are beverages to consider..." Umm, it goes on like that for a while. Let's skip a bit. >The unputdownability of the book ensured that. Crow: "Unputdownability"... is that more of that wacky Nadsat stuff? Mike: Nah. It's probably just more of the Buttheadization of American culture. >It is a >remarkable and original story, and the picture it presents of an inflation- >crippled America on the verge of revolution is all too acceptable. Crow: Some books are exquisite masterpieces, which keep engaging readers with new levels of complexity every time through. Others are sweeping epics, of a freshness and scope to capture the reader's imagination and transport the audience to a new world of wonder. This book is acceptable. >I wish, >and so will many novelists, that I, or they, had Tom: --decided never to publish a thing, so people wouldn't keep making us read crap like this. >thought of the idea first. >A thrilling novel, crisply written, that fires the imagination as >effectively as Crow: --George Steinbrenner fires Yankee managers. >it stimulates the feelings." Tom: Yeah, of nausea. > >In 1983, Mike: --the owners of that theater in Skokie had finally realized that A CLOCKWORK ORANGE just wasn't filling the seats anymore. But there was nothing they could do -- it was the only film they had. >science-fiction great Robert A. Heinlein told the chairman of the >Prometheus Awards that Crow: --he'd never heard of them before. >Schulman's _The Rainbow Cadenza_ was a wonderful novel >which he hoped would win. Mike: Needless to say, he'd had a few. > >It did. > Tom: The other nominees were the screenplay to RED ZONE CUBA and a picture of a cat done in crayon by an auteur known only as "Billy." >And, in 1994, Charlton Heston Crow: --still wasn't dead yet. Millions were puzzled. >called Schulman's _Stopping Power: Why 70 >Million Americans Own Guns_, "the most cogent explanation of the >gun issue I have yet read." Mike: He also kept muttering something about Soylent Green being made from people. We're thinking of having him committed. > >_SELF CONTROL Not Gun Control_ is J. Neil Schulman's magnum opus Tom: Am I the only one picturing a penguin wearing a Tigers cap and trading banter with Higgins? >on both current controversies and timeless questions, Crow: As well as the part where he spends 150 pages listing his favorite episodes of "Growing Pains". Mike: Now, Crow, be fair. 23 of those pages were about "Just the Ten of Us". Crow: Spinoffs count. >and he hits whatever he targets >with magnum force, Crow: Whee. A gun metaphor. Tom: Did I mention he likes guns? Man, does he like guns! Sometimes he'll spend five, six hours a day just shooting anything he sees out his car window. Mike: Sort of like Hal Warren. >whether it's guns, Crow: And it usually is. Tom: Did I mention he likes guns? Man, does-- Mike: Yes, you mentioned he likes guns. >revolution, Mike: He's still ticked about that whole thing with the Nike ads. >New Age thinking, liberal >hate speech, his vision of "The Coming Golden Age," Crow: When Ted Nugent is president, all the wimpy pacifists have been shot, and everywhere you look -- free ammo! >or 226 words which give >us "The Meaning of Life." Tom: Oddly, 217 of them rhyme with "Nantucket". > >Schulman explains how to find out if God exists. Tom: Turns out you just call this 900 number. At $4.95 the first minute and $1.95 each additional minute, it's a great way to learn the answer to one of humanity's great philosophical debates! Children under 18, get your parents' permission before calling. >He tells President Clinton >what's wrong with his entire philosophy of government. Crow: "It's bad." >He shows why America's >two major parties are the "Mommy Party" and the "Daddy Party." Mike: Neil can't seem to keep his crackpot politics and his Freudian issues separate anymore. It's really kind of sad. > >For those who found in _Stopping Power_ a rational explanation of gun >ownership, Crow: --we suggest a long vacation. Maybe a cruise. A nice, relaxing cruise. You'll come home with a whole new perspective on things. >this book examines why guns are at the front line of America's >culture war. Mike: Because when you put them in the back you wind up shooting everything in between. > >With wit and insight, _SELF CONTROL Not Gun Control_ Crow: --might have been a halfway decent book. Tragically, it lacks both. >shows that "if you can not, may not, or do not exercise Tom: --then no amount of dieting will help you lose that last fifteen pounds. It's all about metabolism! >the power to control your own life, someone >else must and will." Mike: I'm betting on Bill Gates. > >SELF CONTROL Not Gun Control >by J. Neil Schulman > >Publisher: Synapse--Centurion >Price: $24.95 U.S.; $32.95 Canada Crow: Which seems like a lot, but in Canadian money it's about a buck fifty. >Publication Date: November 30, 1995 >Approx. Shipping Date: Oct. 15, 1995 Tom: So first they ship the books, then they get around to publishing them. Makes sense. Mike: Don't nitpick. It says it's approximate. The actual shipping date'll be sometime between October 15, 1995 and the end of the Cenozoic Era. >ISBN: 1-882639-05-7 >Library of Congress Catalog Number: 95-74682 Crow: Thank you, sir. May I have another? Tom: Don't push your luck. I think it's over. Let's go home, Debbie. [1...2...3...4...5...6...] Crow: Mike, why do people learn to read? Mike: What a silly question! Why, reading opens up a whole new world of imagination and whimsy and wonder-- Crow: And crap. Tom: And crappy ads =promoting= crap. Crow: I've decided that the entire publishing industry is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Crapco, Inc. Mike: I'm sure it seems that way to you, but your perspective is skewed. You only see what Dr. Forrester sends us. It's really kind of tragic. Literature has so much to offer us, but we'll never get to enjoy any of it as long as it's being filtered through the twisted mind of Clayton Forrester. [Deep 13] Dr.F.: That's =J.= Clayton Forrester to you, Nelson. Wish I could stay and chat, but I'm expecting a call. I just sent my manuscript to Anthony Burgess and I'm sure he'll get back to me any minute now. [SOL] Mike: Um, didn't Anthony Burgess die in 1993 or thereabouts? I seem to remember reading something about that... [Deep 13] Dr.F.: What? WHAT?? Dead?! No, he can't be dead! Oh well. At least I still have Robert Heinlein to recommend me for that Prometheus Award (whatever that is...) [SOL] Mike: Actually, I'm pretty sure he's dead too. [Deep 13] Dr.F.: No! NOOOOO!! It's so unfair! I can't take it anymore! [reaches into overcoat, produces enormous machine gun] Time to go out a-blazin'! Seventy million gun-toting menaces to society can't be wrong! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-BLAM-- \ | / \ | / \|/ ---O--- Fwshhhh! /|\ / | \ / | \ MST3K and all its characters, etc., are Copyright 199x Best Brains. I'm not a Best Brain. On a good day I'm barely even an Above Average Brain. This MiSTing is in no way endorsed by Best Brains. It may be distributed freely as long as it's in its entirety and this notice is intact. MiSTed by Adam Cadre, a.cadre1@genie.com (or maybe a.cadre1@genie.geis.com, I'm not entirely sure), September 1995. Any comments, questions, remarks, laments, retorts, rebukes or recriminations are more than welcome. >You'll get straight advice about what mistakes not to make. How to >prepare yourself in your mind and in your practical life. How to hide >your money.