Dale goes nuts! By John Nowak and Matt Plotecher Original Work by Jennifer Francine Davis & Tamera Liberto [ 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G] [SOL] [Joel stands behind the counter, with a clipboard and pencil in hand, the bots flanking him. Joel doesn't notice that Cambot is rolling right away, as he appears to be reading from the thick sheaves of paper attached to the clipboard.] JOEL: [a bit drably] ...and last month we've used about 43 paper clips, 28 rubber bands, and 1,238 jars of pigs knuckles. [GIZMONICS] [John is standing behind the control panel, with a pen computer. Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank aren't around at the moment.] JOHN: [Looks up with an expression of disdain.] "About." [SOL] JOEL: [With restrained sarcasm] We will capture better metrics going forward. [GIZMONICS] JOHN: [noting something down] And what, dare I ask, was with all the pigs knuckles? [SOL] JOEL: Uh, well, we'd really rather not say. CROW: Yeah -- some things are better left unsaid. TOM: [a bit startled] Oh, hey guys, we're on! [Joel waves to us briefly] JOEL: Hey everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Robinson and these are, by force of circumstances, my faithful companions, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo. We're a little busy right now, as we're going through a highly-detailed inventory. CROW: [insulted] Highly-intrusive, you mean. The voyeur down there wanted to know how many cases of Valvoline motor oil I'd drunk! JOEL: It's just part of the normal census, buddy. TOM: Come on, Joel, how many times before today have been asked the precise number of corn kernels you've eaten in popped form? [Joel seriously considers this.] JOEL: Well... [GIZMONICS] JOHN: [slightly annoyed] Can we get back to the topic on hand please? Now, moving on to oxygen consumption divided into groups of no more than 53 molecules-- [SOL] [Commerical sign starts to flash.] JOEL: [resigned] As much as I hate to admit it, we'll be right back. [He swats the flasher.] [Commercials. Rah.] [SOL] JOEL: [To TOM] Tom, do you think this metrics program is designed to quash my usual chipper personality and replace it with the dry, caustic wit found only in ancient Sparta, totalitarian dictatorships, and highly-paid technical professionals? [GIZMONICS] JOHN: [Shrugs] Can't blame me for trying. [He flips the pen computer away like a Frisbee, causing an off screen loud crash and cat's howl of outrage.] Got him. Doctor Forrester and TV's Frank are going to a team-building exercise in Orlando, Florida today, so they asked me to send you the experiment. [SOL] [Joel & the bots stare at the screen briefly.] JOEL: Uh... you know, John, I think you're underestimating the importance of metrics in a modern business. TOM: Exactly, Joel. Why, if we don't know where we are, how can we tell if we're improving? CROW: You bet, guys! We all want to reach SEI/CMM Level 2, don't we? TOM: I'll go recount those paper clips - "almost forty three" just isn't good enough for a program of such importance. [GIZMONICS] JOHN: [Holding a tape clearly labeled "The Red Balloon."] I haven't had a chance to see this yet, but -- [SOL] JOEL: "The Red Balloon?" CROW: Hey... I like that one. [Gypsy enters from the side.] GYPSY: Can I watch too? TOM: [Clearly doubtful] Not to rain on anyone's parade, but ... that is the French 1956 short directed and written by Albert Lamorisse, right John? CROW: Tom, it's not like Robert L. Lippert made a film called "The Red Balloon." JOEL: [Doubtful] Or ... did he? [Everyone stares at the camera suspiciously.] [GIZMONICS] [JOHN reads the back of the tape.] JOHN: French, 1956, Color, starring Pascal Lamorisse and Sabine Lamorisse… [SOL] GYPSY: [Innocently] Isn't it an amazing coincidence that the two leads have the same last name as the director/writer? JOEL: You've probably seen it, John. There's this bit at the end where the kid is lifted into the air by the other balloons -- [GIZMONICS] JOHN: Hey, I remember this now. I saw it when I was a kid. [SOL] TOM: [Stunned] You were once a child? [GIZMONICS] JOHN: Yes, well ... sort of. [Voice hushed] "The Red Balloon." I remember. I remember. Oh, God, what if his hand slips? [SOL] JOEL: [Shaken] Uhm... maybe the balloons held onto him with their strings? [GIZMONICS] JOHN: [Sobbing] Why did you have to say that? [SOL] JOEL: Huh? [GIZMONICS] JOHN: Don't you see? It's a story of persecution, of murder, of revenge. [SOL] JOEL: Revenge? [GIZMONICS] JOHN: All those other balloons grab the child because he failed to defend the red balloon and lift him skyward. Oh, yes, he's happy then, but soon his joy will turn into fear as the earth recedes below him! [SOL] JOEL: Uhm, well-- [GIZMONICS] JOHN: Higher, higher, ever higher, gasping like a landed fish as the air thins and he fights desperately for oxygen! At 19,000 meters, fluids begin to boil away from his body! Tears freeze on his frostbitten face, as blood drips from his ears and eyes. Struggling at first to get down, and then to release the balloons so he can plummet to a kinder death. But the balloons hold him, relentless, merciless in their tentacular grasp as his lips turn blue! His struggles with frostbitten fingers become more and more feeble as his strength fails him and finally, mercifully, suffocation brings an end to his torment. Not to mention the obvious symbolism of Communist domination of the earth in the image of a red balloon destroyed and reborn -- [SOL] JOEL: [uncertainly] Uhm... you really did write "Under the Bridge," didn't you? [GIZMONICS] JOHN: [Now in tears] Don't worry, guys - I won't send this to you. Even though I'm a software tester, I can't do it! I'll send you a fanfic instead. [SOL] [Long pause.] TOM: Good one, Joel. JOEL: Urhm... oops. GYPSY: Uh, hope you guys don't mind, but I've got some, uh, important stuff to do, so I guess I can't read it with you after all. [Exits, quickly] CROW: [thoughtfully] John must've seen the Director's Cut. [Lights and Buzzers and Chaos, oh my!] ALL: Arrrrrgghhh! We've got fanfic sign! [As Cambot descends down the passageway, in the background, we hear the beginning of Nena's song "99 Luftballoons."] [ 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... ] [Joel and the Bots enter the theater.] TOM: ...and I just want you to know, Joel, that I blame you for this at the outset. JOEL: Well, geez, how was I know to that a remake had been made by Wes Craven and Joseph McCarthy? CROW: Speaking of wacky duos, I'm going to take a wild guess and bet that this is another Chip n' Dale's Rescue Ranger 'fic. > "Dale goes nuts!" CROW: Well, whattya know? TOM: The title masterfully evokes a kind of free-wheeling goofy attitude... kill me. > by > Jennifer Francine Davis & Tamera Liberto > > The following fanfic may be unsuitable for younger viewers JOEL: Or readers, as the case may be. > so please be > aware of the fact there might be some things in this fic that might not > agree with most of you but who cares? JOEL: Well... kind of a refreshing chance of pace from "we hope you like it!" TOM: Yeah. "You might not like this, but you can sit and spin for all we care." CROW: Wonder if this means moral indignation or visceral disgust? > Foxglove cannot believe the situation > she got herself into. JOEL: [Foxglove] One episode of a cartoon series in 1991 and I'm still getting sucked into fanfics. > According to the contest of Miss Batty 1992 that she > joined*entered*, the winner *with her winning after several grueling tests CROW: What kind of grueling tests do beauty contests involve? JOEL: Swimsuits, spelling 'dog'... > she won...but now for the final achievement she must marry the wealthy > lizard sponsoring this tournament in order to get the coveted title. CROW: Oh, that must be the endurance test. JOEL: Do you guys think we got sent Part 2 by mistake? TOM: Maybe. Don't tell the Mads or they'll find it. > Scene-fades in to Ranger HQs as Foxy is telling Dale the bad news. > > Foxy:...So that’s it...I have to marry this wealthy lizard or I don’t > get my title as Miss Batty. CROW: [Dale] Can't you just sleep with the judges like everyone else? JOEL: Would you really want a title of "Miss Batty" that badly, anyway? > Dale:Gee, that is horrible. Is there anything we can do gang? > Gadget:Golly! Sorry, Dale; I would like to help you guys come up with a > plan, but Jimmy(Hitrat) has been acting very strange lately... TOM: [Gadget] Winning that essay contest has really gone to his head. CROW: Who's Jimmy(Hitrat)? > Monty:What’s bugging the blighter, Gadget luv? CROW: Shouldn't that be "What's bloomin' buggin' the blimey blighter, babe?" > Gadget:I don’t know. ALL: THIRD BASE! > That’s why I have kept him in a solitary confinement > cell TOM: Let's just take a moment to let that line fully sink in, shall we? [pause] TOM: All done? Good; let's continue. > & uh....besides Monty... > [Gadget whispers something to Monty’s ear she’d rather not let Dale,Zipper > and Foxy know about] CROW: How long does she think she can keep the reactor leak a secret? > Monty:Tooraloo! Are you sure about that? > Gadget:[nodding] It’s not a very pretty picture. JOEL: Most works by Picasso aren't supposed to be, no. TOM: You know, I think that the other people in the room might be just a tiny bit curious by now. > Airborn:I think I have an idea, seeing that the boss is has gone thoroughly > coocoo. TOM: [Airborn] Let's mutiny and make me leader! > Foxy has to marry that lizard, right? CROW: Who's Airborn? And shouldn't that be 'Airborne?' JOEL: Maybe he was born while his mother was in flight. TOM: Then shouldn't his name be 'Omelet?' > Foxy:But, Davy! I don’t want to! TOM: [Goliath] But Davy, if the voices in your head are really God, you have to kill the Evil Ones. CROW: Who's Davy? > Airborn:Who said you had to? JOEL: Uh, you just did. > I say we slip that rich green dope a faker Foxy. TOM: The preceeding line was brought to you by your local drug dealer. > Gadget:You mean guise one of us as Foxglove? Like I said, I can’t. JOEL: [Gadget] Well, don't want to, really. TOM: Is 'guise' a verb? > I still > need more tests on Jimmy. CROW: [Gadget] He's got that GED exam next week. > Airborn:[thinking up for a ploy] Which one of us here has exactly the same > height,weight& etc,etc,&whatever JOEL: I'm guessing the authors meant to put actual nouns here and forgot. > as Foxglove, huh? Chipper is. TOM: Uh, what, exactly, is the point of marrying the lizard to Chip instead of Foxglove? > Chip:ME!? Are you crazy!? I don’t look a thing like a female. CROW: [Chip] I sound like one, sure, but.... JOEL: And why Chip instead of Dale? > Besides I > didn’t do so hot the day we saved Tami and Bink from Fat Cat’s gang. TOM: Gasp! An actual reference to characters from the show! JOEL: What -- you object to new characters in fanfic? TOM: Not in principle, but it would be kind of neat to know who these guys are. > Airborn:Because you yahoos did not have the right technology. TOM: And now Yahoo! owns half the Internet. > [Airborn looks meaningfully at Gadget] > Gadget:[blushes] Opps. TOM: Oh-kay; we now have someone with better technology than Gadget. That's worth five points on the Mary Sue Litmus Test. CROW: He's also shown all the leadership to date -- that bumps it up to ten. JOEL: C'mon, guys, it's too early to tell. BOTS: [Snort disdainfully.] > Airborn:And Roger,Sean and George do. CROW: Who are Roger, Sean, and George? TOM: Besides a 007 reunion? > They have everything to make Chip > look like Foxglove. TOM: [Airborn] A batman costume and Pepto-Bismo. > Chip:Wait a second here Foxy just WHY do you have to marry this lizard? > Dale:HEY! Are you coming down on Foxy, huh? CROW: [Dale] How dare you insult my love by asking a completely appropriate question that might prevent her from having to go through this wretched ordeal! You cad!! > [Dale grabs Chip and the two start a melay] JOEL: [falsetto] Melay relay felay-boo.... CROW: Melay? > [a beeper goes off in Gadget’s pocket] TOM: [Gadget] Oh, golly, it's a good thing I got this mouse-sized numeric pager from the Mouse Telecommunications Company and plenty of mouse money to pay the service charges! > Gadget:Oh golly, Jimmy is up to something again. TOM: [Gadget] I wonder why he paged me to let me know. CROW: Like what? In a solitary confinement cell the only thing he could be up to is consciousness. > I better go check on him. > Airborn:You do that, JOEL: [Airborn] Who needs you canonical deadbeats anyway? > go on Gadget-- TOM: [Airborn] And forget the love which we once shared [TOM sobs]! Just go! > Monty,Foxy,Zipper and myself CROW: [Tense] Monty, Foxy, Zipper, and I. > will make > sure Buster Douglas & Riddick Bowe here CROW: Now we've got Buster, Douglas, and Riddick Bowe. Who are these people? JOEL: They're boxers- CROW: I know, but I'm on a roll here. > don’t have a major PPV. JOEL: [singing] You down with PPV? BOTS: [singing] Yeah, you know me! JOEL: [singing] You down with PPV? BOTS: [singing] Yeah, you know me! > [Gadget EXITS] > [Airborn seperates Chip & Dale] JOEL: [Mole] But it doesn't say how far apart to seperate 'em! > Airborn:[contining] CROW: Contining? > Back off! I’m the Don King around here, without the > hair of course... and more feathers... JOEL: [Airborn] But the same good ol' American greed. > Foxglove:Please Dale, let me tell everyone how this started... CROW: [Foxglove] My dad had slipped my mom a Spanish Fly, and well.... > [fade to black as Foxy explains to the group how this all came to be and > fade from black] TOM: So... if this was an episode the screen would be black and silent for about five minutes or so? JOEL: Roughly. CROW: Hey, it's still better than any episode of "Kindred: The Embraced." > Foxy:[continuing] CROW: Not to be confused with Airborn, who was still contining, of course. > That’s when I came over here looking from help from > you-my friends. CROW: [Foxglove] What the hell was I thinking? > I do hope Hitrat[Jimmy] is all right too. CROW: Is Hitrat[Jimmy] the same guy as Jimmy(Hitrat)? > Chip:He will be. He is a trooper, and a survivor. TOM: He's entered in "Survivor: The Biggest Oak Tree in Central Park." > [Gadget ENTERS A shocked expression is on her face.] CROW: [Gadget] Never stick your tail in a wall socket.... > Monty:What happened, l... > Gadget:Monty, please don’t ask, please? JOEL: It's not like they're supposed to be a team or anything. > Monty:Uh, sure thing Gadget. > Dale:Wow! It must be something. TOM: With sharp analytical skills like this, is there any wonder why Dale is the brain of the team? > [GADGET narrows her eyes at DALE.] TOM: [Gadget] I vill crush you. > Gadget:[coldly]You have no earthly idea. I’m going to take a nap. JOEL: Then how serious can it possibly be? CROW: Joel, it's probably just Biff[Boff], "Ba-Ba" Louie the Lamb, and Rootie the Wonder Mole up to their usual hilarious antics. TOM: I see you're entering into the spirit of this fanfic. > I’m > exhausted. If anyone asks, or tries to attempt to get Jimmy out...I’ll > hurt you. I mean it. TOM: This isn't Gadget -- this is the Captain of the Prison Guard! CROW: This makes two fanfics where she's into bondage - TOM: Shut up! She is not! > Later all! > [Gadget procedes as smiles walking out] > Dale:Uhhhhhh... CROW: Even Dale isn't quite sure what that line meant. > Gadget:Yes, I mean it Dale. Do not try my patience, please. TOM: [Gadget] Don't make me get medieval on your-- > [Gadget finally EXITS to her room for a nice long nap] JOEL: Thinking wears her out, I guess. CROW: She is blonde, after all. > Airborn:She is serious... that’s scary. Gadget isn’t letting me see Jim, > and I’m his best friend since Kindergarten, so that’s saying something. CROW: At last -- a description of the new characters! TOM: What -- two people we've never heard about before are childhood friends? CROW: At this point I'll take what I can get. > Foxy, you want our help, you got it. JOEL: Crow, you can add that second five-point penalty. > But just remember this: CROW: [Airborn] I'm Coo-koo for Coco Puffs! > Chip > impersonation of you is a very very serious risk. JOEL: Especially if he tries to fly. > Foxglove:Why is that, Davy? CROW: [Goliath] God told me Chip failed drama class. > Airborn:If we try to clone you TOM: *Clone* her? I thought Chip was going to be disguised as her! > there maybe side effects... but Sean and > Rog are setting it down in permanent form. JOEL: Well, at least the side effects will be permanent. > If not that then the > impersonation will work & then during the course of the wedding it might > wear of off Chip, getting everyone angry. TOM: Or a spot on Jerry Springer. > Chip may suffer side effects. > [Chip groans] > Chip:I don’t feel so good... CROW: [Chip] My role's been usurped by someone I've never heard of before. > Airborn:[to Chip]Oh come on, tough it out kid. TOM: [Airborn] You're only going to have your sex changed. > Foxglove:What side effects are there? > Airborn:No idea, TOM: Nice of you to volunteer Chip, then. > our three beloved crack team of experts don’t even know. JOEL: They aren't very good experts, then. > That’s why we need plenty o’ time. TOM: Big o' blocks o' buttery time. > When is the wedding? There’s the > question of the millennium... JOEL: Actually, I'd rate it somewhere between "Is there life on Mars?" and "Where's the remote?" > Foxglove:48 hours from now. CROW: Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte are the ring-bearers. > Airborn:Damn. Why such short notice? > Foxglove: The ‘‘Miss Batty pageant’’ was put together quickly. TOM: [Airborn] That's nice to know. Now do you mind answering my question? > Monty:Still, that should give you time and all. Like to get to know this > Lizard and such. TOM: [Monty] Sorry, guys - I 'aven't been listenin' t' the plot so far, an' I didn't realize that we're gonna replace Foxglove with Chip, so it don't matter if she knows the lizard or not. JOEL: You think they mean Wart? CROW: A character actually from the series? Whatever for? > [Thaddues P. Wellington a tall and slender rich lizard wearing a blue fancy > suit with combed back slicked hair and a moniclue TOM: Moniclue? > over his left eye and his > arms are behind his back ENTERS the tree] TOM: So he's ENTERED, then. CROW: How did he open the door with his arms behind his back? > Wellington:You need not Mister Colby; CROW: Now who's Colby? TOM: I'm guessing Monty; cheese names and all. JOEL: Monty's gotta really be from Wisconsin, then. CROW: Maybe Mike would know.... JOEL: Who? > I am here. Well, what a bunch of > ragamuffins! CROW: Wellington has a "beef" with our heroes. > However, I see a beautiful dandelion amongst the weeds. TOM: But... a dandelion *is* a weed! > [Wellintong kisses Foxy’s wing] > Foxglove:Uhh... thank you... JOEL: I suppose we should be happy that for once Gadget is not the target of the oily lust of a villain. TOM: You always manage to look on the bright side, and that's what I like about you. CROW: Kiss-up. > Dale:Hey you! Why I oughta... > Thad:Wendell! > [Wendell a huge over grown Mongoose in white dress shirt, grey pants and > red suspends ENTERS] JOEL: You'd think a vigilante group would at least keep their front door locked. CROW: It's 'suspends' of disbelief! Hah! > Wendell:Yo! You wanted something, boss? > Thad:Get this Chip-punk out my sight. TOM: [Dale] Uh, hello, reference desk? This is our place and you came in unannounced. > Airborn:Back off, scum bucket! JOEL: I'm just in awe of how well the authors has captured the pacing and dialog of a 1990s Disney cartoon. > Wendell:Well well well David Sanders CROW: Col. Sanders? > haven’t seen youse since the > Giants-Eagles game of 1991... you lousy cheater! > Airborn:Look Banks, you knew full well that play was mine and I scored > right, you just are way too slow for me. TOM: [Nervously] So...they're football players now? JOEL: Considering birds have hollow bones, I'd call it evoloutionary culling in action. > Wendell:Yeah, well, the Ref shouldn’t have used instant reply CROW: Games are easier to win without fair rules, I suppose. > you scrawny > feather- duster... > Airborn:I’ll show you feather-duster, snake-killer... JOEL: So Wendell is a Green Beret? TOM: I think that's "Snake-biter." > [Chip clears his throat] > Chip:Can you two settle this less violently? TOM: Wasn't he just pounding on Dale two minutes ago? JOEL: Hey -- maybe it was ironic humor! CROW: We can hope. > Thad:*yawns* For once Oakmount CROW: Think he's implying that Dale is attracted to trees? JOEL: Thank you, Crow. Now I'll never read that suggested surname again without an unbidden mental image accompanying it. > your common friend has a good valid point... JOEL: On the top of his head. > what a rarity. > Dale:HEY! That’s my best friend. CROW: [Dale] Which is why we beat the snot out of each other every other episode. > Thad:Well then I guess that’s where they paraphrase the line of ‘’Monkey > See-Monkey Do’’. I won’t cause anymore trouble. TOM: Thad is the cooperative villain; "Okay, you win." > Wendell, enough. I know you > Rescue Rangers... CROW: Oh I see now -- they gave him a key for the door. > & I know you Mr.Sanders will send in your Springhare(Sean), > Kangaroo(George) & Fox(Roger) CROW: [Boris] Moose(Bullwinkle) and squirrel(Rocky)! > to copy my fiancee through Mr.Maplewood... JOEL: Chip's a Xerox machine? > A > warning to you good sir, if you so happen to go with that deed I will have > no choice but to have the police on you for disturbing the peace, JOEL: How, exactly, is making Chip look like Foxglove disturbing the peace? > Breaking > & entering through Mr.Maplewood as Foxglove, TOM: Is he suggesting that Airborn, disguised as Foxglove, is going to break open Chip and crawl inside? CROW: Well, I can see how that would be illegal. > and for violating contest rules > which are protected by official law...is that clear? TOM: Beauty pageant rules automatically become the law of the land, you know. JOEL: Well, if Foxglove signed a contract where she said she wouldn't be duplicated on a molecular level-- > Airborn:Uh I was clear on the ‘’I know’’ part but you lost me after that. JOEL: Well, it's easy to do. > Thad:Odds botkins! TOM: Gadzooks! JOEL: Wowzers! CROW: Gee-Oseph! TOM: Is a 'botkin' one of my relatives? > Bah, let’s go Wendell...fools. That was your last warning. JOEL: Nothing like a flat threat from an overstuffed lizard to make you quiver in your boots, all right. > Good day gentlemen & I use that term very loosely. > *Thad walks out & as Wendell follows glaring at Airborn* TOM: [Thad] Must go knock Boney for jolly old six... > Monty:That guy has some nerve. > Chip:Yeah and a load of brass too. CROW: [Chip] It's his favorite alloy. > Dale:He’s gonna loose that brass once I get him, JOEL: [Dale] I'll lend him my crescent wrench. > I say we help the guys on the > duplicated machine! TOM: Why not the original machine? > Airborn:Sounds good to me, the more we help them the faster this will work. CROW: Hey, that line actually made sense! > Chip:Didn’t you guys hear his warning? TOM: [Airborn] The one about illegally copying prerecorded VHS tapes? C'mon, who listens to that? > Airborn:Chip, just because he threatened to bring down the law on us does not > nessicarily mean we should not crash that wedding. JOEL: [Muffled "Radio Voice"] One Adam-Twelve, chipmunk transformation into female bat in progress. > Dale:I thought you didn’t hear that part after ‘’I know’’. > Airborn:Dale...I was being sarcastic & funny. CROW: Well, sarcastic anyway. > Lighten up bro. CROW: He's right -- I really should try to enjoy this more. > Chip:Yeah we should help Foxy-wait a minute where is she? > Monty:Right here a second a ago mates. JOEL: Is the Pottsylvania Creeper smiling? > Dale:That does it! Wellington has gone too far now.....it’s personal! CROW: Starring Michael Caine! > *screams angrily running away from HQ* JOEL: Wait-- Dale freaks out because Foxglove quietly slipped away? TOM: He never recovered from when she was _Late for Breakfast_. > Chip:Dale! Stop! > Monty:Come back Mate! JOEL: Maybe you guys should be moving after him? > Airborn:Great now he is gone too! CROW: I love this; a teammate runs off insane, but nobody thinks to try and go after him. What great interpersonal dynamics on display. > Guys I’m wondering something since when > did ya have to marry someone to be a contest winner? TOM: Airborn apparently never heard about "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" CROW: Lucky him. JOEL: They did say this fanfic takes place in 1992. > Monty:No idea mate but something about Thad & Wendell looked awfully > familiar.... CROW: [Monty] Say, I can see from here Dale's about to be run over by a garbage truck. Huh. TOM: [Chip] Interesting. JOEL: [Airborn] Well, you can pretty much let crazy folks run rampant unsupervised; let's work on some more exposition. > Chip:Rat Capone’s hoods? Sugar Ray Lizard &Arnold Mousenegger? TOM: [Chip] Sure, I've seen them both several times and was even held captive by them for a period of time, but you can't expect me to keep track of every villain that oppresses me. > Airborn:Nah SRL has a raspy voice CROW: Single Reflex Lens? What? > & he ain’t from London. JOEL: And Thad is supposed to be? > Arnold is not a > mongoose CROW: Wow, Airborn is just blowing me away with his dazzling deductions, here. TOM: [Airborn] And let's just forget the fact that I recognized Wendell when he came in, shall we? > and that ain’t no costume either. Besides why would Rat Capone send > his henchmen to do a job like this? JOEL: Because that's what henchmen do? > Chip:Maybe you should answer the question of marrying someone to be a contest > winner then Dave. TOM: [Dave] I'm sorry, Hal, but I can't do that.... > Airborn:Too see if they can prove themselves as housewifes? JOEL: No, then they'd have to be kept barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. TOM: Well, Foxglove is already barefoot.... > Monty:Maybe Wellington is looking for more.... > Airborn:Doesn’t matter. TOM: [Airborn] Damn canonical characters always trying to contribute to the solution of a problem.... > Foxy is missing, Dale just snapped, Gadget is > snoozing & on a verge of a nervous breakdown CROW: [Jim Davis] Breakdown? Maybe. Nervous? No. > & God knows what’s plaguing > Jim. CROW: [Goliath] Maybe you should ask Him, Davy. > Desperate times call for desperate measures. JOEL: This line was added for those readers lucky enough to miss the first half of this fanfic. And now, we return to our story. > *Just outside the city limits* CROW: James Earl Jones throttles his agent. > Thad:As I suspected they fell right into my trap Wendell...now we have them. > I have always wanted to see the downfall of the Rescue Rangers... CROW: Why? > who knows TOM: [Thad] Any of the characters in this story? > why with that bird out of the way your Giants can win the Super Bowl again. TOM: Oh, Airborn is really a Raven, then. > Wendell:Yeah...if this plan goes according boss. JOEL: Wendell was taught English by Crackhead Joe, I hear tell. > Thad:Oh it will my friend, it very well will. CROW: [Dr. Suess] And if it involves a ball with berrys, bells, and bills, then it'll be a Very Well Will Berry Bell Bill Ball! TOM: Time to go, guys. [They exit the theater.] [ 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G] [SOL] [Crow is behind the puppet stage, to the left, while off to the right resides trusty stage hand Joel. Next to him is an easel, holding several large cards, the current top one reading, "Rescue Ranger Employee Inflation." Throughout this segment, Crow speaks in his trademarked Peter Graves voice.] CROW: Hello, I'm Peter Graves for A&E, here with a documentary about the obscenely obese roster list that the Rangers currently have, and how such a state came to be. [Joel moves the title card, revealing a graph with a single line, wavering near the middle, then plunging into the depths of the abyss, which has been drawn in at the bottom of the graph expressly for this very purpose.] CROW: Economic experts all agree that the true source of the Rangers current woes started as a direct result of Black Monday, when all the stocks crashed hard, scaring away many investors from such growth companies like the Rescue Rangers. Even after the Ranger stock climbed free of the threat of bankruptcy, many investors were frightened enough to demand a new leader. [Joel removes the graph; the next card is a blown-up photo of an outline of a bird with a large question mark within.] CROW: Enter Airborn, an previously unknown bird who quickly gained favor with the majority of the board members thanks to his spiffy little number, "As a bird of the blue sky, I'll teach the stocks to fly high." Having very little intelligence themselves, the board members were easily swayed, and soon forced veteran Ranger Chip to resign his position as leader, and forced him to the subservient role of "Test Subject for Experimental Bat Cloning," a move which Airborn would constantly attempt to use to rid himself of his only competitor for power over the next several years. [The next card Joel shows us depicts numerous more animals in silhouette. The overall impression is beginning to become ominous, as the lights are starting to slowly dim....] CROW: In order to fully entrench himself in power, Airborn quickly used his new authoritative power to place various trusted "lieutenants" in key positions throughout the Ranger's power structure, quickly giving him total control over the entire franchise and completely breaking the last hopes of free reign within the largest oak tree in central park. [As the lights continue to dim, it becomes difficult to see the next card that Joel reveals to us, but a helpful, lone spotlight -- a deep and disturbing blood red in color -- shines directly on the card, lighting it up in all it's infernal glory. It consists of a power pyramid structure shown with the various silhouettes that we've already seen, all of which comprise almost the entire pyramid, expect for the original rangers, scattered about the bottom tier, completely ineffectual to the overall design (side note; Zipper isn't even shown). And this is probably just a trick of the light, but Crow's eyes seem to be glowing an eerie green. Odd.] CROW: Now with Airborn in firm control of the entire Ranger organization, he had the total power and disposal of the Ranger's elite fighting forces acting as his own private army, as well as the respect and trust that the Rescue Ranger's name conveys to hide his ulterior motives. He could now perform illegal search and seizures, crooked bake sales, and shady bingo games, and none dare stop him. [Joel reveals the last card, another black silhouette outline of a bird (apparently a crow) against a white background. Come to think of it, it looks suspiciously like the movie poster for the movie "The Omen II."] CROW: It was only a matter of time before Airborn would soon enact his master plan for world domination, beginning with the enslavement of the insect population, then moving on to birds, fish, and sponges, before finally tackling humans and ruling the world. [Lights suddenly return to normal. The green cast is no longer apparent in Crow's eyes. The commercial light begins to flash.] CROW: I'm Peter Graves for A&E. Thank you, and all hail King Airborn. [Joel silently swats the flasher] [Commercials] [Joel and the Bots enter the theater.] > *RR Research Lab TOM: It's nice to know that two chipmunks, two mice, and a fly have the resources to endow a research lab. > Sean(the Springhare) & George(The Kangaroo) TOM: [Sean] Tell me about the rabbits, George.... CROW: Okay, wait -- a lab used by rodents is holding a rabbit and a kangaroo. Are all animals in the world the same size, here? JOEL: Do you suppose that Sean gets jealous because his article isn't capitalized? > are finalizing > the finishing touches on the facade machine that will make Chip into a faker > Foxglove* CROW: [annoucer] Yes, thanks to years of research at Bell Labs, scientists perfected the lost art of transforming a chipmunk into a bat. > George:Got it calibrated right? JOEL: Check the printout with the screen image. > Sean:Yes, this facade machine is all ready for testing CROW: Oh, it's the machine that makes sets for Roger Corman. > that is to say if > Owen & Roger are already to go.. > *A musclar orange cat & a British fox enter the lab* JOEL: Thanks to the aid of a crowbar. > Roger:Is the machine ready? > George:Yep. Just needs the inf. TOM: That's one of the files used during set-up. > from you blokes & we can make this test > mayhaps a successful once. CROW: [George] Or just blow a crater in the ground the size of Manhattan. What the hell. > Owen:This won’t hurt, won’t it? JOEL: It is, yes. > Sean:No not really. TOM: [Sean] Trust me. [Evil titter.] > This is just a minmuin test TOM: [Sean] Whatever the hell that is.... > so we can use it on full > power. Let’s begin. > *George sits down to operate the main computer of the machine* > *Sean sits at the operations table* CROW: The fun starts when he finds out his doctor is Dr. O'Connor! TOM: [Dr. O'Connor] This is not dangerous, unless it's immediately fatal. > Sean:I’m turning on the machine now & collecting Owen’s data....*(in the back > ground music you can hear Owen Hart’s second WWF theme song)* TOM: And if you haven't heard it, you haven't missed anything. > *Airborn enters the lab but he remains in the shadows lurking unnoticed to > the others* CROW: [Airborn] I'm not skulking for any particular reason, just so you know. These are my friends. > Sean:Allright I got. TOM: [Sean] Moves I. Haven't used yet. > Step onto the platform, Roger. JOEL: [Sean] We'll blast your molecules over a three-mile radius yet. > *Roger proceeds to step onto the platform &George types in the data received > from Owen to turn Roger into a faker Owen* > Roger:(as Owen) Wow! I feel different! CROW: [Roger] Like I've been tampering in God's domain! > Jee Owen, taxi like diamond & big blue > baggy pants? > Owen:Hey hey don’t knock it Roger. I’m my own taylor. JOEL: Elizabeth Taylor? I thought Dale had those fantasies. TOM: [singing] I'm my own grandpa.... > I think it worked. > [Airborn steps out of the shadows] JOEL: Who knows what recipes lurk in the hearts of chefs? The San Deigo Chicken knows! > Airborn:What a bunch of dummies you guys are TOM: I'm guessing the Rangers really miss Chip's kinder, gentler leadership style. > what good will it do us if we > did not record the data from Foxy? > Sean:Once again Airborn you fail to realize the important facts, George? JOEL: I think I like Sean. > George:I believe & no offence sir but we already recorded Foxy’s info. CROW: Notice that George wants to make sure he keeps this job. > We > got everyone’s already, we just needed to add Owen’s today for testing. > Airborn:None taken Rooz. TOM: Wasn't she on "Night Court?" > So your telling me you got everyone’s DNA in that > computer? JOEL: Medical ethics? What medical ethics? > Sean:Everyone that’s from the Rescue Rangers. CROW: Going by all the fanfics out there, that's half the planet. > Airborn:Well I guess I’m the dummy then... ALL: [Cheers and whistles] > that’s something else. Why didn’t > you McBojo’s tell me before? TOM: [Sean] We despise you. CROW: [George] Uh, no offense, sir. [Makes butt-kissing sounds] > George:Uh well because you never asked us. JOEL: The true sign of a born leader. > Owen:One thing about us mammals you got to admit we are very more better > knowledgeable to the situation then you birds. CROW: Owen's skipping his medication again, I see. > [Foxy flies into the lab via an open window & observes from the shadows] JOEL: Since labortories are all so dark and poorly illuminated. TOM: [Foxglove] If it's cool for one person to sneak into a lab, it's twice as cool for two people to do it. > Airborn:Okay Owen you got me there. Just becareful when you are resurrected > as a bird & me as a cat. TOM: [Airborn] 'Cause it'd be kinda wacky. > **As Airborn & Owen cogitate CROW: [Airborn] Be gentle with me -- it's my first time. > George & Sean reverse Roger back to normal** > Roger:So. When do we facade Chip into Foxy? > Foxglove:Never... TOM: [Foxglove] Uh, Nevermore. My line is 'Nevermore.' > *The depressed bat sadly walks in view* CROW: [Foxglove] Do I haveta be in this fanfic? > Airborn,Owen,Roger,Sean&George:WHAT? JOEL: [John, Paul, Ringo and George] HELP! > Airborn:You can’t do this. Weddings are a very important thing in your life. CROW: [Airborn] Which is why we want Chip to marry a villain so you can win a beauty pageant. > Sean:Foxy, weddings are not made TOM: They are synthesized. > they are bonds between two people CROW: No, that's the wedding night. > who loved > for a long time and are ready for that very commitment. JOEL: Not counting the traditional Southern Shotgun Wedding, of course. > George:You’ve got to stop & think about the most important decision in your > life, TOM: [George] Mac or PC? > whether or not you agree to this lie. CROW: So he's saying marriage is a lie? JOEL: Pretty accurate. > Roger:Foxglove...all this we may say to you might not be important to others CROW: Who have half a brain. > but you are a special person in all our lives. JOEL: Just like the other 53,289 members of the Rangers are special to us. > We care about you & love you > no matter what. TOM: [Roger] Even if you are rock-stupid. > What is important is how we do things in life. JOEL: [Roger] Like how you eat a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. > Weddings are > things not to be jumped into like this. CROW: Hey Roger, ever been to Vegas? > Foxglove:Guys I appreciate all of your concern... JOEL: [Foxglove] But who are you? > but this is something I have > to do..so I can satisfy Thad ALL: Sayyyy.... > & he can finally leave Dale,I& you guys alone. TOM: "If I marry him, he'll leave me alone." You know, that line says so much about marriage in general.... > Owen:But that means you will give into him, JOEL: Marriage usually does. TOM: There's that nifty "obey" clause in the vows, after all. > forget everything you did for us > Foxy, CROW: Which is embarrasingly easy. > not realizing the truth, standing for you principals JOEL: And you school janitors. > and giving into a > shallow bully such as Wellington. TOM: Geez, even the characters themselves don't think much of the authors' villain. JOEL: Well, the field of Waterloo remembers his valor. TOM: That's 'Marathon.' > That is just not right, you’ve got to boycott > this wedding Foxy even if it means giving up Miss Batty of the year. CROW: [Foxglove] Hey, I worked hard to get this far in the pageant! I had to prance around in revealing swimwear and spell 'ogd'!! > Foxglove:By sending in a facade me Owen? TOM: Well, no, he said "boycott," not "inflitrate." > Then your words are empty. JOEL: [Owen] No, just my head. > I’m very > sorry but I must do this decision alone whether if it means humbling myself. TOM: I have to admit, marrying someone you detest to win a beauty pageant is pretty humbling. CROW: "Dumb" is the word I was thinking of. > No offense Owen I know you & the rest care about & love me but as Airborn said > there are risks.... TOM: In-laws.... JOEL: Children.... CROW: Kissing.... > maybe not physically but mental. JOEL: [Sean] Then you should be immune. > Now you all understand why > I have to do this. ALL: [flatly] To win a beauty pageant. TOM: Right up there with Save the Whales, all right. > *hugs each of them & gives Owen a small kiss on the check, > running out crying* > Airborn:Wow. I’m flabbergasted... JOEL: [Airborn] An canonical character grew a backbone and pointed out how inane this plot really is. > Sean:I’m squechled.... JOEL: [Mick Jagger] I'm in tatters! CROW: I'm confused. Isn't Foxglove doing the smart thing here? > bah! *slams his fist in the machine* > Roger:I’m very puzzled. JOEL: Let's allow this one to slide. > George:I have computer pan hands...owie. TOM: ...the hell? CROW: I've heard of loadpan hands, sure, but.... > Owen:If you guys only knew how I’M feeling... JOEL: [Owen] Let me try saying it in a song.... > Airborn:We get the general idea Owen. JOEL: [Airborn] Foxglove's handling this like a responsible adult. This sucks. > *Wendell enters in the lab* TOM: Clear evidence that the new Rescue Rangers have missed the point of an "open door policy." CROW: So the only person who doesn't sneak in is a villain? > Wendell:Yo Sanders! > Airborn:Hey Banks this area is authorized only. JOEL: [Airborn] Which is why we keep it unlocked, unguarded, and unalarmed. > Take a hike. TOM: [Airborn] In Minnesota in the spring. It'll do you good. > Wendell:Just want to invites youse to the Boss’ mansion...he wishes a word > with yas. CROW: [Airborn] If it's "Wassup," I'll gouge his eyeballs out. > Airborn:*sighs* okay okay...well gentlemen I can see we will have to continue > this discussion later. TA! ALL: DA! > *the two arrive at Mr.Wellington’s plush mansion* CROW: [Airborn] So... why'd he'd get a stuffed mansion instead of a real one? > Wendell:*points to the other end of the pool side sitting down with two > chameleons in very small bikinis* TOM: Female, I hope. > Over there. > Airborn:Why don’t I just fly over there...it will be a lot less further. TOM: Well, actually, it's the same distance unless you go over an obstruc- CROW: Shut up. > *Airborns flies over to where Wellington is* > Thad:Well glad you could join us Mr.Sanders can I get you anything? TOM: [Thad] A life, perhaps? > Airborn:Trout. Ice tea. > Thad:Very well. Dennis! JOEL: The Menace? > Dennis the butler: TOM: No relation to Sam the Butcher. > Yes sir? > Thad:Bring Mr.Sanders rainbow trout & lemon spiced tea. > Dennis:Yes sir. Very good sir > *Dennis proceeds off to get the items requested* > Airborn:Why am I here? CROW: [beatnik poet] Why are any of us here? TOM: To show up the canonical cast? > Thad:First answer. TOM: [Airborn] Answer what? > Very encouragable I see. JOEL: [Thad] You're a worthy adversary to ask an obvious question. > The answer-I’m going to give you > Rescue Rangers a sporting chance. CROW: Great. Another remake of "The Most Dangerous Game." > If you can act like proper lady & gentlemen > I shall invite you to the wedding JOEL: [Thad] Where you're then free to act as uncouth as possible. > & then afterward annul the wedding so > Mr.Oakmount & Foxy live happily ever after. TOM: I guess it really *is* a fanfic adaptation of "Who Wants to Marry a Multi- Millionaire?" > Airborn:This sounds disconcerting...... CROW: We hear ya, pal. > Thad:Mr.Sanders I’m not a disporting lizard. I give everyone equal > opportunities. TOM: At what, precisely? > Airborn:Such as life. > Thad:Ha ha ha. You amuse me Mr.Sanders. CROW: [Thad] I'm going to kill you last. > So I make you the best man, I request > however though that this be a proper marriage I request that Mr.Colby be the > father of the bride , [Everyone titters.] JOEL: He'd better find Foxglove's mom quick then, and get to work! > Miss Hackwrench as the bride’s maid & Mr.Groundchuck ALL: Groundchuck??? CROW: That's not a name-- that's something you buy at the deli for one forty-nine a pound! > as > the Minister. I will also have a blond female southern duck to sing at the > wedding- JOEL: Shirly the Loon? TOM: No, she's from southern California. > Ms Trixie Tailfeather. > Airborn:Well okay....but Jim can’t. > Thad:Mr.Groundchuck can’t...why not? TOM: [Airborn] He's not a clergyman. > Airborn:Um he has come down... TOM: [Airborn] In the world, rooting through dumpsters for gifts for friends. > *looks at his watch....the lavender emergency > light takes over the whole watch screen goes off flashing back & forth* CROW: [Airborn] Oops, time for my lavender pill. > ((Oh son of a bitch...not now Gadget TOM: [Gadget] I'm a female mouse, not a male dog, thank you very much. > ....I’m busy)) > Thad:Mr.Sanders is something that matter? What is wrong with Mr.Groundchuck? CROW: [Airborn] Pick a trait. > Airborn:*nonchalantly slams the watch to shut it off & looks at Wellington > with a spooked look on his face* JOEL: A masterful job of remaining inconspicuous, yeah. TOM: Where does a bird wear a watch? > He uh went to his family reunion won’t be > back for days. TOM: [Airborn] They're trying to prove in court that he isn't theirs. > Thad:Oh...I see. I will just get something else then. CROW: Sure, ministers come a dime a dozen. > But you, Miss > Hackwrench &Mr.Colby except? TOM: Shouldn't Airborn here check with them, first? > Airborn:Yeah we do.... TOM: I guess not. > *Dennis returns with the trout & tea* > Thad:Excellent. Enjoy your meal as well. > *Sanders begins to eat & drink as the scene fades out* TOM: [Thad] I offer him something to drink and he orders lunch. Pig. > *Airborn returns to HQ to explain everything* JOEL: [Airborn] I had a rainbow trout and a lemon spiced tea-- > Airborn:We are invited. CROW: [Airborn] And I haven't a thing to wear! > Now Gadget what hell was the emergency you flashed on > my watch? TOM: [Airborn] You know, the emergency I completely ignored? CROW: I get the impression that this place runs more like a Frat House than a rescue organization. > Chip:On all our watches? JOEL: [Monty] Wait-- we have watches? > Gadget:Big big trouble guys. TOM: [Gadget] In Little Little China. > Jimmy is gone from his cell! JOEL: Houdini paid a visit. > Airborn:Aw shit...now we are gonna get it. CROW: [Airborn] He's an old friend of mine, and I have no idea what's wrong with him, but I'm scared anyway. > Monty:Our asses are in serious crap now. CROW: Well, use toliet seats from now on. > Gadget:Golly what can we do... TOM: [Gadget] At least I can keep in character, Monty. > Airborn:There is only one person desperate enough not to mention crazy enough > to take Jim..... ALL: Mitchell! > Chip:Yeah & did you get anything else from Wellington, Dave? > Airborn:Only that he is gonna have a southern female karoke duck singer... ALL: [singing] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! > that’s it! I know what drove Hitrat over the edge like this! CROW: [Airborn] That damn "The Turdy Point Buck" song! > That female > blond duck from the “Duxorist” Daffy Duck abandoned her but Jim stayed around > to keep her company.. JOEL: Despite the restraining order. > Gadget:But that was in the mid 80’s Airborn. > Airborn:That’s why the separation was too harsh on him Gadget.... TOM: Breaking up was a lot harder during the Reagan administration, you know. > god knows > what happens... JOEL: Oh, Airborn's found religion. > Oh dammit. CROW: Janet. > Dale has Jim... > Gadget:Golly....how do you figure that Airborn? > Airborn:Gadget who else what attempt that kinda stunt..... JOEL: Any of the 5,624 villains you guys have put behind bars? > Monty:Crickey... TOM: [Monty] Please excuse my earlier string of obscenities. I have a new voice actor now and everything's going to be okay. > Airborn:We have to stop that wedding proto..& we got 3 hours to get their too, [Everyone chuckles merrily.] TOM: Ah, homynyms. > let’s get ready guys! > Chip:But what about Hitrat? CROW: You mean Jimmy(Hitrat) or Hitrat[Jimmy]? > Airborn:Well will have to find him & Dale later right now “we gotta get to the > church on time.” TOM: [Chip] And it's certainly not like there could be a connection. When I was running things we'd never miss something that obvious. > Scene fades out... > The Wellington estate where the backyard is transformed ALL: [singing] Transformers! More than meets the eye! > into a luxiours wedding > where police are disguised as caterers & Wellington is talking to them > Thad:They are tresspassing..after the wedding is over. Arrest them. TOM: [Thad] Even though I invited them. > *All nod* JOEL: I have to admit, I really like how the authors are staying true to Zipper's character. TOM: Maybe Foxglove's depression sent her on an eating binge that claimed his life. > Meanwhile Gadget has found Foxy in the back > Gadget:Hey there you are! > Foxy:Oh Gadget I don’t know if I want to go through with this or not. My > dignity will be destroyed, I really can’t lose my sanity much worse. JOEL: Pretty much par for any wedding, really. > Gadget:Foxglove after the things I’ve seen in the last few days sanity is the > least bit of thing to worry about, well okay I’m wrong. JOEL: [Gadget] I just never know what to say at weddings. TOM: What about "Congratulations?" CROW: Or at least, "My condolences." > Look don’t worry about > it, Wellington will annul the wedding after you two are married. TOM: [Gadget] And I trust him, because... uh.... > Foxglove:That’s great news. Maybe I won’t even have to kiss him > Just outside that room Dale looks on with binoculars CROW: Dale is a practiced voyeur, as we all know. > Dale:We will see about that, won’t we Jim? TOM: So... he *wants* Foxglove to kiss Thad? > No no! Not now you do that when the > wedding singer begins the karoke. JOEL: Thanks to years of Japanese monster movies, Dale has honed his oral skills to a snowball's edge. > Lets move. CROW: [Dale] To the big, big city. > Gadget & Foxglove move towards the outer hall as Dale & Hitrat move out of > sight. TOM: [Dale] Keep running! We'll escape this fanfic yet.... > The wedding proceeds as Owen starts playing the church organ.... TOM: [Owen] Everyone, sing! Take me out to the ball game.... > Wellington & Airborn stand at the alter. JOEL: [Preacher] Would you two mind moving your checkers game elsewhere? > Two children mice walk down as one > drops flower petals & the other one carries the rings on a pillow. CROW: Where does a bat wear a ring? > numerous > females walk down the isle as brides’ maids carrying bouquets of expensive > flowers. CROW: Strangely, a lot of lilacs are present. Hmm. > Airborn has his watch set for Squal Richard’s slam team CROW: Who is Squal Richard, and what, pray tell, is this mysterious slam team? TOM: Maybe it's an AM radio watch and he's listening to some old-time radio show? > on stand > by...Then Gadget comes out followed by Monterey Jack escorting Foxy down > the isle. Foxy is a bit nervous. JOEL: She's finally starting to think this may be going a bit overboard to win a pageant. > They stop at the alter CROW: Ha! Get it? Foxglove wouldn't let them transform Chip, so they stopped at the alter... uh... excuse me, I have to go kill myself. > & the Priest begins.... TOM: [Priest] I command you, beings of filth and preversion, to leave this place and never return! > Priest:We will begin by our karoke singer Miss Trixie Tailfeather singing TOM: "How Can You Believe Me When I Said I Loved You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?" CROW: And yes, that is an actual song title, ladies and gentlemen. > praises & glory to the happy couple. JOEL: [Trixie] Here's one for all the abandoners in the house. > The crowd applauds as the female southern blond duck [Everyone ducks.] > who is wearing a red low > cut dress approaches the stages & begins singing. ALL: [Trixie] Does... your... chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight? If your mother says don't chew it do you swallow it in spite? Can you catch it on your tonsils? Can you heave it left and right? > Trixie:We are all here today to celebrate this grand wedding so...*slow beat > kinda strange rhythm* JOEL: Mark Snow is employed. > (Trixie starts to sing Karoke style) congrats to the > happy couple...hope ya’lls kinfolk are happy too..... TOM: [kinfolk] Shore 'nough! > Unnoticed to everyone Hitrat walks down the stairs only seen by Trixie. Hitrat > starts to sexily rubbing his body down & taking off his clothes in front of > her. CROW: Ugh, remind me to never hire Hugh Hefner as a wedding planner. > Trixie loses her composer JOEL: Mark Snow, remember. > & mind and continues singing. > Trixie:Uhhh...uhh...Taking off his shirt...letting his pants down...not wearing > any underwear..*she is sweating heavily now* TOM: A prime indicator that she's about to vomit. JOEL: She can get in line. > Hitrat is completely nude(this scene is not entirely shown due to the > censorboard, ALL: Thank you, Network Standards and Practices. > just only his upper body) & Gadget sees Hitrat too TOM: So, he's "only seen by Trixie" strictly in the metaphorical sense, then. > & sighs > thinking ((maybe I shouldn’t of rejected him...)) JOEL: Yep, that's Gadget all right. TOM: Shouldn't it be the pageant contestants who are obsessed about bodies? CROW: Or serial-killers. > Trixie stops & her & > Gadget make a b-line for Hitrat taking him upstairs JOEL: The best rafters for lynchings are in the attic, after all. > as the crowd wonders > what is going on. TOM: The same thing happened with the audience for "Alien 3." > Priest:Uh perhaps we should forget the sing part & move on with the > wedding..ahem..*clears his throat* CROW: Shouldn't Dale, Monty, and Chip be trying to get past the guards at the gate using a wheelbarrow, a cloak, and a lantern? > Dearly beloved we are gathered here > today to join this lizard & this bat into holy matrimony. TOM: And unholy physical form. > Who givith this > beautiful bride? JOEL: He's making it up as he goes along. > Monty:I givith. JOEL: Up. > Priest:Very well we shall continue. Be there anyone here who wises these 2 not > to be wed speak now or forever hold their peace. > Dale:Stop! ALL: [singing] In the name of love! > Foxy I just found out this thing is a phony. Miss Batty of the year > is not real. TOM: He found this out lying down in a field with binoculars, you know. > Foxglove:Are you sure about this? > Dale:Yeah he even got police to arrest us Rescue Rangers. JOEL: That's great proof, there, Dale. > Thad:Allright fine you got me but they will get you! TOM: [Thad] Communists are everywhere! > Officers! Arrest these > trespassers! > Squal:Nothing doing boyo. > Thad:What? > Squal:As you can plainly see my Slam Team told those “doughnut eaters” to > leave. TOM: And since the police have absolutely no powers to enforce the law, they followed the orders of a civilian. > You however are under arrest Wellington for having a phony contest > trying to falsely be protected by the law. CROW: The last great paradox of Zeno. > That’s a very bad felony. > Thad:Allright I will go quietly but this is not the end of me you hear! > Wendell:What about me? > Airborn:Well Banks seeing as how you cooperated CROW: [Wendell] I did? > the judge show should leniency > in your case but I’d watch it. Com. TOM: Watch it.com for all your .com needs! > Paul Tailiguebu might not like this. CROW: You know the drill folks -- play along at home! > Wendell:Yeah yeah I know. CROW: At least someone does. > Slam team takes the two away...scene fades out. JOEL: Did anyone actually do anything illegal at any time during this fanfic? TOM: Does writing it count? > Next scene Foxy is on the church crying at midnight while Dale tries to > comfort her CROW: [Dale] So your husband left you at the alter, huh? Well... good! Hah-ha! Serves you right for dumpin' me! Jolly good! Jolly good! Nyah nyah nyah -- hope it hurts 'till the day you die! > Dale:Foxy don’t cry honey you will always be Miss Batty of the year to me. JOEL: [Dale] You're crazier than a-- > Foxglove:But Dale I always wanted something good in my life to prove I’m a > somebody. TOM: [Foxglove] Marrying someone I hate seemed like a good way to go about it. > You guys though did nothing wrong-It’s me I always fail you. JOEL: Well, she did show the only intelligence in this fanfic when she stopped them from turning Chip into a duplicate of her. TOM: You're forgetting how Sean kept insulting Airborn. CROW: And, of course, Zipper's key role in uncovering the whole scam. > I’ll > never ever be successful... JOEL: ...at anything in particular here, or are we just shooting for vague? > just a dried up old bat...Dale you don’t deserve > me...I’m no good for you. You better find somebody else. CROW: [Dale] Okay. Bye! > Dale:Foxy. I will not. The day I met you my heart always was yours you know > you brought such great happiness to me, I will never forget that or you. You > are special to me Foxglove you bright up my day when I’m feeling down. TOM: That's almost a pop song. > Foxglove:But look at us both...we are both clumsy..& we never get anything > right. JOEL: [Dale] So you're saying we shouldn't reproduce? > Dale:That’s not important Foxy, sure life isn’t always peachy keen but I like > to think I love my life & I love you. CROW: [Dale] I don't, of course, but-- > Yes, we are clumsy but who isn’t TOM: Well, most people, actually. > our > hearts are the most important thing CROW: Joel, if you could only have one working organ, which would you choose? JOEL: Let me get back to you on that one. > Foxy our love for each other is important > we enjoy a good laugh, cry & all the things we do that we do in live. I’m > clumsy,silly & danged proud of it. TOM: I think some people just shouldn't have self-esteem. What do you think? > Foxy:I guess I can be happy knowing I have a sweet cute good looking chipmunk > with me all the time maybe someday we can get married? TOM: [Foxglove] You know any? > Dale:Yeah but for now Rescue Rangers are always needed to solve those crimes! JOEL: Dale has the heart of a true romantic. TOM: [Foxglove] Will you marry me? CROW: [Dale] Yeah, later. TOM: [Foxglove] That lizard's starting to look pretty good to me right now. > Are you with me? > Foxy:Zowie! You bettter believe I am! TOM: Conversely, some people should have higher self-esteem. Dump this loser, Foxglove! > *grabs him & gives him a big wet one on the lips* > TOM: Joel, what exactly is the attraction to exchanging saliva with another human? JOEL: Uhhh... well.... > Epilogue------- > It is the next day in Gadget’s workshop & Hitrat is coming around... TOM: Hope it's not like "Frankenhooker." > Hitrat:*groggily*What...what.....what happened to me? > Gadget:Up already sleepy head? *kisses him* TOM: Didn't Gadget say she dumped him while he was dancing naked at a wedding? > Hitrat:Yeah what’s going on I just went through this crazy dream. JOEL: [Hitrat] My head flew off and a bunch of kids used it as an eraser. > Gadget:*smirking big time* I’ll say... CROW: How would she know what dream he had? > Hitrat:What? > Gadget:Uh nothing want me to make you some breakfast? TOM: Another great example of why Gadget is the idol of females across the globe. > Hitrat:Yes please. > Gadget:Ok I’ll be back in a flash! JOEL: This is after Gadget watched that film about Home Economics, you see. > Gadget kisses him again on the lips this time and walks to the kitchen as > Squal & Airborn enter. JOEL: That should read Squal [unidentifiable species] and Airborn [some bird]. > Airborn:You okay Jim? > Hitrat:Sort of David... TOM: Sort of Solomon.... > wow that was something else. > Squal:You mean you don’t remember? > Hitrat:Remember what? JOEL: [Hitrat] I didn't even get dialogue until the story was over. > Airborn:Uh nevermind Squal, I think it’s best not to let Jim here know the um > ahem “naked truth”. CROW: It'll mentally scar anyone, I agree. > Hitrat:Great bradshaw you guys are full of it... > Airborn&Squal:*looks at each other* HE KNOWS! CROW: He likes it! Hey Mikey! > Scene fades out again. > > THE END > > Cast > Airborn Sanders-Lorenzo Music JOEL: He rehearsed for the role by lobbing belt sanders through the window. > Dale Oakmount-Corey Burton > Foxglove-Debra Walley CROW: Forutnately, Deborah Walley won't have her actual name associated with this. > Gadget Hackwrench/Chip Maplewood-Tress Macneille > Monterey Jack/Dennis the Butler-Jim Cummings > Squal Richards-Mike Liberto TOM: Say, he has the same last name as one of the writers. CROW: Another amazing coincidence. > Thaddeus P. Wellington-Rob Paulsen JOEL: Great -- the role of Thad was played by Pinky. > Wendell Banks-Mark Bravaro > Sean Remington-Sean Connery > George Roozenby-George Lazenby > Roger Foxx-Roger Moore JOEL: Man, and I thought "Bullseye!" was the low point in Moore's career.... CROW: I'm just impressed with creativity put into their first names. > Owen Calhoun-Chris Benoit > Trixie Tailfeather-B.J. Ward > and of course... TOM: Jerry Mathers, as the Beaver. [They start to leave, although Crow lags behind.] > Hitrat(Jim Groundchuck)-N.Liberto CROW: Who's Hitrat(Jim Groundchuck)? [ 1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... G] [SOL] [Joel and the Bots enter from the left, apparently in the middle of some discussion.] TOM: ...doesn't make a difference, Joel. When the cast list hits critical mass like that, you've got to restructure your organization. CROW: Wait a minute, Tom. Isn't "restructure" Latin for "layoffs?" TOM: Exactly. I mean, okay, let's look at the final analysis of the fanfic in terms of the contributions made by the original cast; Chip did nothing. Gadget did nothing. Zipper... well, that's a given, but for the rest, they have no use or purpose being on the Ranger's payroll. JOEL: Well, they did found the whole team in the first place, Tom. TOM: [scoffs] Like that means anything in today's volatile economic management styles. I mean, let's get down to brass tacks, guys -- what right, beyond the trivial fact that they're the stars of the series, do the original cast have to be part of this new, hipper, trendier, faddish crew? Chip is reduced to the role of being volunteered for untested genetic mutations, Gadget is the personal nurse and jailer of some apparent nutcase, Monterey makes comments low in profundity while high in profanity, and Dale merely unleashes an original character at the end. All the real work was handled by Airborn and his cronies. JOEL: So your brilliant strategy is to cast off the founders of the company, revoke their pensions, renege on their severance pay, and basically confiscate all of their personal gear as now being company property? TOM: I prefer the term "infrastructure overhaul." CROW: Say Tom, I don't suppose you ever heard of the phrase, "Too many chiefs, not enough braves?" TOM: What does Kansas City and Atlanta have to do with it? [The red light starts to flash] JOEL: Oh, speaking of the corporate world of wonder and finance, looks like John's calling. [He swats the flasher.] [GIZMONICS] [Frank and Dr. Forrester are in the foreground. John is nowhere to be seen.] FORRESTOR: Oh, hello, Joel. I hope I interrupted something important and dear to you. [SOL] JOEL: Hey, I thought you guys were at a sweatshop-- CROW: Workshop. JOEL: --Whatever -- down in Florida. [GIZMONICS] FORRESTOR: Yes, well, we were, but we left early once we took complete and unrestrained, primal, carnal advantage of the continental breakfast. FRANK: [holds up a large bag -- well, tablecloth folded over, really -- stuffed with powered doughnuts.] We also have bagels, assorted jams, and bacon stashed in the trailer. FORRESTOR: So, once we drained the pitchers of every last vestige of O.J. and cleared the platters to all but paltry pastry crumbs, we headed out. Not much sense sticking around when the free stuff is gone. [Frank wordlessly looks offscreen and tosses the sack in that direction.] FRANK: Hey John, think fast-- [He barely finishes before a muffled whump of impact is heard, followed by a spectacular crashing as the camera shakes slightly.] FRANK: [nodding] Got 'im. FORRESTOR: [sighing] Frank, would you stop teasing the GUI monkey and just push the button? FRANK: [proudly] Can do, Steverio. [He reaches over and pushes the button] ---FWOOSH!--- FRANK: [V.O.] Hey, isn't that "The Red Balloon?" Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and [c] copyright 199X-2000 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Chip, Dale, Monterey Jack, Gadget, and Zipper are owned by Disney. "Dale Goes Nuts!" is copyrighted [c] Jennifer Francine Davis & Tamera Liberto, and all original characters from it are [c] copyrighted by their respective creators. John Nowak is [c] copyrighted by himself, as if you couldn't guess. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This post is not, in any way, shape, or form, a personal attack on either Jennifer Francine Davis or Tamera Liberto, who were kind enough to offer this one up to be MiSTed. This MiSTing is [c] copyright 2001 by John Nowak and Matt Plotecher > Owen:One thing about us mammals you got to admit we are very more better > knowledgeable to the situation then you birds.